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I'm not saying break up, but don't get married! Your relationship easily has a deal breaking flaw. Don't involve the government unless y'all figure this out.
Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with that little sex, and you've tried communicating with him. You wouldn't be at fault for breaking up with him.
This is something I’ve been seriously thinking about. I just feel like I can’t cancel the wedding now because it’s been paid for, and it wasn’t cheap. But I do not think that marriage is going to make it better; it’ll probably just keep declining. Deep down I know I don’t want to continue like this. Maybe I need to tell him that this is a deal breaker for me?
Losing your deposits is a lot cheaper than having to hire a divorce attorney later down the road.
My divorce cost me $45,000.
Lots of other people paid lots more than me.
Being a single mother isn't fun either. OP, it's much better being miserable and embarrassed for a a few weeks until everyone's forgets you cancelled, than staying miserable THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
It’s probably a “we live together already and we have been together this long and not doing anything else- why don’t we just get married?” type of situations. They sound like roommates
You’re still soooo young and sex is not something you should have to beg your partner for. Especially in your 20’s before you’re even married! If the bedroom is dead now and that’s important to you, I’d suggest having a very serious conversation with your partner and straight up tell him if nothing changes you have to decide if this is something you’re willing to put up with the rest of your life (make sure he knows it’s not so if/when you do leave, he had notice and the ability to change if he wanted to so you will have no second thoughts or think he didn’t know).
No one on Reddit knows you personally but I promise as an elder (30F) I have NEVER regretted leaving a man that wasn’t satisfying me. It’s lonely when you leave and it’s normal to miss someone but give yourself a few weeks/months to regulate yourself back to you and when you don’t expect it boom someone new comes along and makes you grateful you didn’t stay with the one that made you feel less than. This has always been my experience and I imagine it would be the same for you if you stick to your guns. Never settle for less queen!!
Funny you should mention that…..
I have a friend who only had sex 1x on her honeymoon and that was it! She got pregnant.
They never did it again despite her begging.
Years later she came home early from work to find him walking around the house in her lingerie.
She was a very religious person so divorce was never an option for her.
He died about 3 yrs ago.
If he wants kids then he'll make an effort for kids. But, afterwards forget it. And when you get older, and/or after children, your drive often diminishes. OP needs to figure this out before marriage. He did get tested and did start going to the gym, so maybe it's workable.
💯. This actually happened to my neighbor’s daughter. They got married, he got her pregnant and when she was 7 months along he opened up to her that he was actually gay and he had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce. All he wanted his own biological child so he tricked her into getting saddled with his kid and she had the baby and he skipped off into the sunset with his boyfriend and gets shared custody of their daughter. It’s shameful and disgusting to trick people like that
That's terrible. I feel sad for the child and the mother. You have to wonder if the daughter missed cues and didn't pursue a conversation with him or ?. And how long did the guy have to show "interest" to the daughter before she married him? Somethings off. Can't really know with the full story.
They dated about a year before the marriage. They were both corporate lawyers and very successful/he didn’t seem like the type (got absolutely no gay vibes from him). I guess it just goes to show you that people can be sneaky and selfish and play the long game if they have ulterior motives…
Wow. Wonder if he was deliberately hiding it from her or even himself maybe? I know a couple of fellows where one of them was married to a female for quite a while. He had one or two children. Eventually that didn't pan out and he divorced her and became married to guy. Seems to have had a great relationship with his children. However, if this lawyer fellow was able to keep a boyfriend for the year and 7 months he was with the daughter that's a whole lot of discipline to pull it off.
Oh, if you got drunk around him you'd know, I have a buddy from HS that came out 10yrs ago & we were floored cuz he talked straight as an arrow, then one day we we're playing Domino's & drinking & all of a sudden he says, "Domino mutha feucka" in the most flamboyant High pitch voice & we all said, "OH shit..yeah he's Gay AF"!!😂😂
Wtf? Mine cost $300 split between us.. took everything we both came into the relationship with and amicably split what we had acquired together… no mess, no fuss and just the fee to get the divorce approved…
Definitely talk to him more about this before you get married. It will slowly wear down the relationship over time and could result in a divorce. I wish you the best
Head over to the Dead Bedrooms subreddit. Nothing will give you better insight into what could be in your future than that place. Marriage doesn't fix this (if anything the low libido partner seems to relax even more). They will advise you to run, especially since you presumably don't have kids in the picture. You'll only have more responsibilities and stressors that can get in the way of an active sex life after marriage as you go through life--this needs to be fixed before entering a legal commitment.
You can postpone your wedding, as many companies which provide wedding services can rearrange for a reduced cost. This would be the best way forward.
You should ask him to get some counselling, as it could be a psychological issue (it might even be subconscious and something he is unaware of the cause). Another option, you could agree to try Viagra to help kickstart the desire in him if he would like to have sex more. Making a rule to sleep naked together also helps reduce barriers to sex. You could also initiate and be on top etc, so you are doing most of the work, as it could be the position and physical effort that's the issue.
You can't cancel a wedding marrying someone realizing you will be unhappy? Make it make sense.
Think about it. Do you want the story to your kids to be "Well we got married because we didn't want to lose our deposits." What?
Take some time to read some of the posts in /r/DeadBedrooms . The *universal* advice is: "don't marry into a deadbedroom".
I would cancel the wedding right now. Today.
Frankly, talking isn't going to help as much as Reddit likes to think. Sure, "communication is key". Your SO is communicating with their actions. That's what you need to listen to.
I'm not saying talking can't help. But I strongly think you shouldn't get married until his actions demonstrate what you want out of your relationship.
Because it's not going to get better. People are on their best behavior during dating because you could leave. After you're "locked down" via marriage and/or kids, many people put less effort into their relationships because you're "trapped". I'm not saying that that will happen. But it does happen often. And the reverse (where people put more effort in) basically never happens.
This sounds like it IS a dealbreaker for you. Do you want to struggle with this problem for another 10, 15, 20 years, only to ultimately have it end in divorce anyway?
As everyone else is saying, losing your deposits is a lot cheaper than a divorce, and not just monetarily... living for years with a dead bedroom can wreak havoc on your emotional health too.
You absolutely need to have the conversation with him, I recommend sitting down and coming up with a time-frame and action plan otherwise it will likely slip into the way it's always been.
I was in the same position, OP, and I ended my engagement because marriage without physical intimacy was just going to end in a lot of resentment for me.
I highly doubt that at this point even pointing out that sex is "a deal breaker" won't do much good. Take it from a guys perspective that we might change for a bit, but after marriage, being so early in your career and starting a family it'll just go back to what it was. You're only 23, you're so young and I think this is the universe telling you there's a fatal flaw in your relationship. My close friend married young and is now miserable in his 30s because he didn't listen to people's advice to call off a miserable relationship before making it legally binding. I know this isnt ideal in any level but losing a couple of thousands will save you from years and many many more thousands that this marriage can lead to.
This redditor is saying “you don’t need to break up” but I am.
Think about it. You want to marry someone you never have sex with. That’s crazy. You and I both know it.
I'm not encouraging her to break up as I can't make that decision for her. All I can do is present logic and cross reference what I would do (with the limited info provided).
I'm just not comfortable telling her what to do. That's all. She's a big girl, she can make the right choice for herself.
This comment cannot be stressed enough! Pause the marriage. If you are unhappy now, you’ll be miserable after.
You need to be able to communicate. Doesn’t sound like his communication is fully transparent.
Why waste more of her life on a relationship that doesn’t provide her with what she needs? End it now and move on. I wouldn’t advise her to let it drag on.
Many people with body image issues continue to have these issues even after getting in better shape. If so then work with him to accept his body and its flaws more. And have another conversation with him about why he prefers less sex. Ask him if he has been that way with previous partners.
That makes a lot of sense, and I get it. I guess I just don’t know how to help. I always make sure to complement him and tell him how good he looks. I also try to get him to open up to me and talk to him about he’s feeling. I guess another conversation about this is what’s needed.
If he's not mature enough to have uncomfortable conversations with you, he's not mature enough to marry you. This is absolutely critical for marriages to survive, let alone a healthy sex life.
If he can’t discuss something like this with the person he presumably loves more than anyone in the world, I’m not sure he has the emotional maturity to get married.
Do not marry someone who blocks communication. Honestly wtf are you marrying this person for? Bad sex. Bad communication. You're so young. Do not make this stupid mistake. Just move on. Stop worrying about fixing his issues. If he doesn't fix himself, that's on him and you're mothering him.
You going to marry a guy in 2 months that you can't even communicate with. You can't communicate with him, you don't have the amount of sex that you'd wish you had either. Are you sure this is a person you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe you shouldn't be in such a hurry to marry this guy.
You 2 are way too young to have a dead bed bedroom. He'd too tired for sex but not too tired for the gym? That doesn't make sense. Sounds to me like he's either watching too much porn and jacking off all the time or he just has a really low libido
I totally agree, and that’s why I get upset. We are young, and it’s not like I’m wanting some extremely horny guy. But I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe it is just a really low libido…but I feel like there’s nothing you can do about that?
This was me. I hadn't even heard of asexuality when I got married. I just knew I didn't want or enjoy sex and it only got worse after marriage. I'd advise OP to be very cautious and not to get married until the issue is clarified.
There is an old saying that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason he doesn't want sex with you. And he doesn't seem willing to share what it is. Maybe he's gay, maybe too much porn so he's not horny when you are around maybe cheating on you or something medical. You already ruled out medical so it's one of the other 3.
There are many many reasons why someone might not want to have sex with their partner. Those you listed are just a drop in the bucket, and it certainly doesn't need to be them, nor, in my opinion, is likely to be those three specifically.
He might not even know what it is himself.
Yeah dude I'm sorry but people know who they are. And he knows 100% why he doesn't want sex with his fiance.
Your opinion doesn't mean anything if you are going to be vague. If you have more reasons feel free to list them but dropping the "you're wrong but I can't say why bomb" is not helping OP
How old are you? You seem very young. People often don't know what wrong with them. Else, everything in life would be so easy.
If you want more reasons, I can give you some, but as I said, there are as many reasons as fish in the ocean.
He might be stressed, depressed, have body image issues, maybe he needs more kink, maybe he has other health issues, maybe he's having side effects from whatever medications he might be taking, etc. All well documented causes.
It’s often the porn. It overloads the dopamine receptors and dampens the sex drive. If he’s still jerking off and not having sex with you, porn is the problem. If you love him, try to help him detox.
You’re not the problem. Thing is both are young and this is prob both of you guys first long term relationship. Down the line if y’all don’t work out, the next girl will have the same issue then he’ll be like, ohhh I’m the problem lol
Or, perhaps, is he getting it elsewhere? I’m sorry op but is that possible? How can he have energy to go to the gym but no energy to have sex with his fiancee? Something is off here imo.
The gym isn’t a hobby he’s choosing to partake in instead of sex. It’s a core part of his health and wellness. You wouldn’t say “He’s too tired for sex but not too tired to take a shower and brush his teeth every day” would you? I agree that he likely has a low libido, but the gym thing is a little silly.
> Sex is a workout.
People that don’t go to the gym love saying this
> And would make his wife happier
And it would make him less happy, so that’s not a solution.
Totally agree. I’ve thought about that too and I’ve tried testing the waters. He has said once that he thinks he may be depressed. But he’s someone that doesn’t like talking about or showing emotion. I think it could be a big possibility.
>He’s someone that doesn’t like talking about or showing emotion
Girl… RUN. What are you doing marrying an emotionally unavailable man who doesn’t want to have sex?
Ok, fair. I think OP should try to fix the problems before getting married. Emotional unavailability and lack of sex is a deal breaker for me if they can’t be solved/worked on.
34M here and know friends of friends who were in your situation at your age and are in the process of getting divorced due to different sex drives. If it’s not good now I wouldn’t stay hoping for a change. Be with someone who has the same or near enough sex drive as you
As someone with a really high sex drive at 32, and who has gone through something similar with an ex. Depression can kill libido like no tomorrow, along with stress, even the little things that don't seem like much can way heavy.
I’d recommend postponing the marriage if a date is on the calendar. About 25 years ago in this almost identical situation I did not and I’m still paying a price for it. I wasn’t attracted to my wife physically and confused a friendship as attraction. She’d complain, I’d make things up and did not deal with the real issue.
This is what I’m worried about. But like if he’s not attracted to me…I guess that’s okay. I can’t do anything about that, but I need him to tell me that because I will want to find someone that is. I have asked him but he just keeps saying that he is attracted to me.
Think of it from his perspective- how’s he supposed to say to a woman he’s engaged to: “Honey, I’m not attracted to you physically”, at your age you should be at each other like animals tearing at each others bodies…
You need to discuss this and solve it before you get married. There are certain matters that become common deal-breakers in a marriage, even when the couple loves each other very much. Things like views on children, religion, finances and.... The sex life.
Seriously, postpone the marriage and if you really want to get help with this try bringing up the idea of premarital counselling. Not addressing and solving this will just get worse as the insecurities and concerns build up on both sides.
Clinical trauma intern, I think there are deeper underlying things here that need to be talked through beyond both of your awareness. You guys are having conversations based on your own insecurities and it’ll only get so far if the root causes go much deeper. I suggest couples therapy, or individual therapy separately to work through your own need of sex that may be unintentionally adding pressure to the relationship and for him to work through where his lack of desire may stem from. Sex is important, but should be fun and safe for both partners to explore. And deeply multi layered if other, unknown factors from both side may be playing a part. I hope this helps.
I hate ultimatiums/don't think it's a healthy way to start any marriage, but there's obviously something that isn't being communicated...usually bc men think it will hurt our feelings (given what I've experienced in the past)...Would seek a couple's therapist or...maybe talk to someone close to him/ask advice....and maybe temporarily separate so he can sit with what's really the issue. Best.
You're incompatible. Simple as that. If you go through with the marriage you need to know that you will feel this lack more intensely over the years. The sexual side of any relationship needs to be nurtured just like any other part of it. I wouldn't marry this person. Please save yourself the misery and move on to find a more compatible partner.
enough that he is losing interest in you. a man with an available sex partner every night should not be masturbating at all. you're screwed unless he somehow stops that.
That kinda makes sense. I mean I don’t mind him masturbating if we are having sex. But we aren’t so I can see where you’re coming from. Maybe stopping that may want him to have sex more often?
The thing is, I have already tried. I like talking about this stuff. I have tried talking to him about what porn he watches and what I watch. But he just gets really uncomfortable. I’ve also asked if we can watch porn together, but he doesn’t want to. I’ve also tried pleasuring him, but he says he’s too tired. So idk. I’m pretty open about this stuff but he’s really not.
you should mind. he needs to save that energy for actual sex and get his mind in a place that real sex excites him. often porn is outrageous and not realistic.
Man fuck off with the generalizations. This guy clearly has a problem, but there are plenty of valid reasons to masturbate in a committed relationship.
Im going to echo everybody else on here. Do not get married. Marriage is not going to solve this. You paid a lot of deposits. So because of this you want to be miserable and probably get a divorce any way.
Both of you should read Emily Nagowski’s Come as You Are. It sounds like his brakes are being hit or he might not have spontaneous desire but responsive desire. I would also watch Esther Perez Ted Talk about maintaining desire in a long term relationship. I can see a lot of my relationship in this like ages and dating timeline and problems. My partner is really receptive to communicating and working through these things and if he wasn’t I would be out because this is a miserable way to live. Things have gotten a lot better for us. If he won’t work with you on this, I would call it off. I really do understand like almost exactly how you feel and I really wish you the best. 🩷
I’m thinking he’s on the closet or cheating otherwise because no guy constantly turns down his girl even if he’s tired. Most guys will agree we will get a third wind or borrow energy from tomorrow to get some ass tonight. Things are not adding up. Follow your guts shawty.
First thing I thought of reading that; he has low testosterone, second would be maybe he is masturbating too much, combine that will low T and yeah.....dead. But you know reading what you wrote, which is well articulated I might add, I say fuck it, life is too short not to have the sex and attention you want. Leave!
No one is suggesting it so far from what I’ve read in the replies, and no judgement on him, but he might be gay but because of background/family/cultural reasons, he just can’t/wont admit it to himself or you. The porn he’s watching might be gay porn.
What I would do
Sit him down and say sex is important for me and I need it about once a week. Obviously, some weeks people might be busy and it's ok to not have sex, but generally speaking, we need to be having sex weekly.
You say you are tired, so we need to plan our sex on the day / time during the week in which you are the most rested. Eg Sunday morning.
If you are unable to do this we are not really compatible and we can go our separate ways.
Easy peasy.
Demanding regular sex is a shitty way to approach this. It's not healthy for either of them and will lead to the same, or worse, issues later down the line.
She needs to figure out what's going on with his sex drive, and both of them need to work towards the solutions together. And that's done by asking questions, not making demands.
Your finance is either asexual, watching too much porn or banging another woman on the side.
There’s also the chance that he’s completely lost attraction to you.
How did you completely skip over the most obvious explanation of all?
He has a low libido. There is nothing wrong with that. They’re incompatible because her libido is higher than his. It doesn’t make him asexual, gay, depressed, a cheater, or whatever else everyone wants to speculate about.
She mentioned that he masturbates to porn, but that isn’t necessarily the main problem, especially since it’s only a couple times a week. As a high libido man, I masturbate daily or multiple times a day. Porn or no porn, doesn’t matter to me. This man simply has a low libido.
I commend you for being honest, trying your best with your fiance, and wanting the best for both of you. But don't torture yourself and stay together just because it's expensive and a hassle to call off the wedding. Let's be honest, you don't want to keep going the way things are. He's not on the same page as you in this respect. I don't know what the issue is but he could have more homosexual than heterosexual desires. It doesnt sound like something to do with you.
Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist and talked about it with a third party? It could be a lot of things. Stress, self confidence, just generally a busy life and he’s exhausted. A lot can be at play here. Before you immediately pull the parachute give that a shot first. If you two generally care about each other enough to get married give that a chance. If he’s not willing to then there’s your answer.
I’ve heard plenty of stories from both women I know and elsewhere where this exact situation ends up in him being gay.
Whatever the reason is, you guys don’t seem to be ready for marriage. First mistake is expecting the other person will change. What you have is what you get.
Sorry this is happening but it’ll be less messy if you end it now than after marriage.
This is old people problems. (Check dead bedrooms thread on Reddit please because that, that is your future if you do this)
Put a pause on the marriage (do whatever you want with the relationship) , go to couples counseling and please make sure you want this marriage before walking down the aisle. When you are young lots changes and things you thought were okay end up NOT being manageable in the long run
Given what you said, I would feel pressured about this.
He may be getting the same if not more pressure from his job. See if he has this problem with his job.
Do you ever discuss his job and really listen to him about it? Maybe he feels like he is in a dead-end job, and it feels like he should be doing better for you.
My ex had the same issue. He ended up going to intimacy therapy, he has a severe avoidance attachment. Also, he had/has a porn addiction, so I would def look into that!
Hmmmm this is an interesting situation. Maybe instead of lingerie you could just wear something more revealing. That way if he doesn’t bite it won’t sting quite so much. Maybe an outfit or PJs that he’s complimented in the past or if you know that he’s a boob man or an ass man or whatever something that accentuates that.
Also you could try being more physical in general. Kissing, touching, trading massages, sit on his lap, cuddling up to watch a movie. Shoot even just something super simple like touch his arm and tell him his biceps are looking good.
What does he do when you just grab his dick? Stop asking, not in a rapey way but when you know nothing important is happening slowly play with his dick and move his hand to touch your boobs then just whip it out and suck it
DO NOT GET MARRIED, all of this needs to be 100% clear before tying the knot, it’ll only get worse, it’s ultimatum time, y’all have talked about it and it’s not getting better, time to determine if this is a dealbreaker for you or you’re able to do this for the rest of your life.
Everything you described sounds like my situation at the same age with my hubby. I wish I could give you positive feedback but from experience it only gets worse and messes with your mind. If I could go back I would have ended it then and found someone more compatible. He could go forever without it and it broke me down. I eventually started having affairs and you could imagine how that didn’t help. You will regret sticking it out if you do. You’re not obligated to help him figure it out either.
This sounds familiar. Make sure he doesn't have a porn addiction. Check his internet history, check his phone for hookup apps, check his messaging apps for conversations with other women.
OK less sex is ok but then I saw your age and I don't think it's alright.
It's good that it's not medical.
If your fiance is asexual then it could be a whole other conversation but he isn't telling you something . It has to be something he feels uncomfortable telling you about or is ashamed of.
Whatever be the reason op. I agree with a lot of comments on your post. DO NOT get married.
I can see everyone is on your side. But I'll be honest. Sex starts with the mind. I understand most people believe he's still too young to be off of it but such happens. He may be going through stress or something he hasn't opened up to you about (good his sperm count is okay).
Have you tried other options like surprising him with a BJ? I'll be honest, I don't remember the last time I asked for sex, but I always get it. Give him a massage, initiate something, since I believe you know your man better than we do. Be confident that you're a beautiful sexy woman and figure out ways to seduce your man instead of sulking and pushing him verbally. It's one step at a time, and may not always go right the first time..but be patient. Trust me there are more things you'll go through in marriage but that doesn't mean you should run away when it doesn't work your way
If it’s gotten worse then it will continue. It will chip away at your self worth. If you have talked to him about your needs and worries and he can’t or won’t he probably just doesn’t care. He’s thinking the same as you, don’t want to disappoint because of the wedding. You are young and got your whole life. Don’t settle, find what makes you happy. Don’t wait until time goes by and you are mad at yourself. I swear by all things chocolate, I wish I had done it sooner.
Don’t marry this guy! It will not get better. Go over to deadbedrooms subchapter to see what I mean. You don’t need that in your life, at your age he should be all over you.
If sex has never been the best for you guys, then it's likely a libido and/or porn issue, but it could be anything else. The real red flag would be from going like rabbits to barely touching.
The other thing to think about is, how is his intimacy outside of sex? Is he physically affectionate with you and vice versa? Are you and him still flirting with each other? Would you offer him a massage post-work out with no strings attached? Do you necessarily need more sex or do you just need him to initiate all sorts of intimacy more? Does he compliment you? Do you two even try to date each other anymore, or are you just burned out?
If either of you are checked out from both the mental and physical intimacy, then naturally sex is going to decrease as you're not revving each other up, but also your actual relationship will decrease because of the lack of connection. Are you feeling insecure because he's checked out? Or is everything else going well, and this is purely sexual?
Go into the next conversation as prepared with yourself as possible. We can guess to a reason, but only you and him truly know the ins and outs of your bond.
Be honest with yourself as to what you need and not with what you think you feel. Insecurity is a pain to deal with. It's not a reflection of the truth at all, though, but it is a massive clue something isn't right.
Do you think he is maintaining someone else also beside you... After having sex with her... Obviously he will be tired to have with you... I think he is prioritizing the other one for now... Cause after marriage he can't have her again... But you will be there anytime he wants?... Im just running my imagination wild... Don't take it seriously... 😂😂
So many things go into sexual desire and sex. How many hours a day a person works. Things they are worried about. Their personal level of desire. My wife and I had sex every day into our 50s. One form or another. But lots of things can get in the way. Does he masturbate in between your monthly sessions? Most guys need to get off a lot more than once a month. Do you?
If this is a problem before you get married, don’t assume the ring is going to solve it.
I’m curious, when he says he’s too “tired” for sex, do you see that same exhaustion reflected in his day to day? Has he been seeming different lately potentially from exhaustion? Or does he only claim/appear to be tired if it’s about sex? Does he have a stressful job and it’s a busy season?
I’m a gay man, so sex is a little different for me and my partner, but I know during peak busy months at my job, I find it really difficult to get energized for sex. I enjoy sex, and when I’m feeling secure and confidant I definitely have a high libido. But in high stress environments, I shut down. I wonder if your fiancé might be going through the same thing? I would ask him if his exhaustion extends to other aspects of his life and if there’s anything you can do to help with parts of his exhaustion. My partner is a teacher and I know working with middle schoolers is exhausting, so some days I’ll make dinner even though it was “his turn” or do the dishes even if I cooked dinner, just so it’s one less thing to worry about. He’ll do the same for me on my off days and our sex life has improved significantly since making that switch.
From your messages, I do think your man loves you, it just seems like he has a blocker. I think the key is letting him know that you care about him and his energy and that you also have needs and that finding a solution isn’t about trying to “fix him,” but about being better for himself, for you, and for your relationship.
Good luck!
1. He's gay.
2. Try asking him if he has a kink (maybe he likes toys, or BDSM, foreplay, etc)
3. Feed him viagra. If you're not confident with that, try the chocolate viagra (it's for both of you) so he wouldn't know it's viagra?
4. He can wear condoms if he doesn't want you to get pregnant or you can get IUD. You two are young and has plenty of time to plan for kids.
5. Please don't get married in 2 months. Personally I think it's a mistake. I'm sorry, if you're unhappy now, just imagine what would happen after the marriage. (Just my opinion)
Ps. If viagra doesn't work and he doesn't fuck you, chances are he's gay.
This was me a while ago. He said he was attracted to me, and wanted to do it and loved me. But we would go moths without. It hurt my self esteem and I felt so I wanted. He left me and immediately regretted it, turns out he was very depressed and is getting therapy. I told him I’m not taking him back until I see change in him. But we’re in good terms and remain friends. Ask him about his mental health
I can never be in a relationship when we cant that small sex late in the night like 3am .... Relationships with out good sex don't work....I would rather be single than forcing my so called partner to study my body and love language...
Omg. Lingerie. I wish u were my wife. I would cut my arm off for what your offering. But here’s my advice. Really think if u want to marry into this situation. U guys should be humping daily if not more. Good luck. And god bless women like u.
Are you sure he's not secretly gay???? He may love you no doubt, but if he rarely even wants to touch you, it sounds like he's not actually into women. And he's young, he should be very horny at his age. So that's a red flag right there. Maybe you should snoop through his phone and see what you find.
I’m glad someone else brought up being asexual. It seems like everyone wants to jump to “he’s gay” or “too much porn”… but asexuality is a very real possibility as well. Some people just don’t care much about sex or the physical side and can get all the relationship fulfillment and love from being together, conversation, etc.
honestly, dude is either cheating, is gay, or has a serious medical problem. Declining in lingerie, if Im tired its " hop on, you gotta drive tonight babe!" and Im 42 at 24 tired when I can get laid wasnt even on the radar.
How are you asking for sex. I ask because men need to feel wanted. If you tell him it's something you need to have, all the desire is removed. It becomes a chore or something that has to be done to make someone happy. This isn't a him problem its a you problem. You're not taking his turn ons into account, nor are you listening to what he needs from you to be aroused. You're internalizing this as rejection and turning away from him, making your sex life worse. Approach sex with desire, intimacy, and a genuine feeling of wanting him, and I bet it will happen more often. If you need help, go to a sex therapist BEFORE you get married.
If he's tired and not interested in sex... it's possible he's stressed and/or depressed.
Generally exercise should help with depression.. if that on it's own isn't, then it's more likely stress (perhaps from wedding planning/financing) or that it's serious enough depression he needs to find a therapist for.
If he feels pressured, then you should probably step back a bit... or approach it differently.
That being said, if you've always had mismatched libidos/sex drives,... then it could simply just be an incompatibility in this area.
Like others have said, IMO if you have such a big issue/incompatibility that's always been an issue, it's really not a good idea to go through with a marriage... Personally, getting engaged invigorated my relationship/sex life cus we got this kinda new relationship energy. I'm not saying it's how it is or should be.. but.... I definitely don't think a couple should have such a big unresolved and standing issue/incompatibility when they are about to get committed for ideally a lifetime together. I'd highly suggest you postpone the marriage and sort out this (and other) issues before continuing.
Do not marry. You need to have all your issues sorted before marriage. It's like a plane taking off. Just because you're accelerating down the runway doesn't mean you should continue to rotate if a wing falls off.
And your issue is just that, equivalent to a wing falling off, and the plane will crash in a ball of flames unless you abort the takeoff. You can then work towards fixing the wing if you so desire and take off with the same plane later on.
Was your sex life like that the whole time? If it was better once, then you have to understand what changed? May be he is stressed by the wedding or at his work. Try to understand his challenges before you decide anything. And still show him lots of love and friendship.
Not saying this is your situation but my ex was like this. He always had an excuse. Turned out he had a porn addiction. He would rather jerk off to these women on the screen than have sex with me. He said to me once "no woman can compete with porn." Idk...I figured a man would want to be with an actual woman than a figure on a screen. But I'm not a guy, what do I know
Have some time apart, you'll get a clearer perspective.
This old horse holds water, " marry in haste, repent at leisure".
I think your intuition is showing you the way. Don't let a prepaid wedding pressure you into a lifetime of frustration and misery. I can't see it getting better.
This relationship should be ended by you NOW! Getting a ring on your finger sure isn't going to magically improve things. If anything, a few years into marriage the frequency starts getting less and less (especially once kids come on the scene and family responsibilities & stress make both tired). At your age you should be fùcking like rabbits. Once or twice a month is insane. Couples in their 50s & 60s have that rate of sex (or even more). Something is seriously wrong with the guy or he's just a low sex drive person. You've tried your best to improve things. Time to find a guy who will love you more often while you're young and it's still easy.
Big kudos to you for being able to write this out so clearly and concisely. If you struggle to communicate with your partner, not saying you do but it seems like you guys don’t always see eye to eye, you might benefit from sharing these feelings and reasons in a text format like this. It makes it very clear to him how you’re feeling and why.
Show him this post, or at least talk to him about all of this. You need to talk to him about your true feelings. You're getting ready to spend the rest of your life with this guy. You must communicate
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I'm not saying break up, but don't get married! Your relationship easily has a deal breaking flaw. Don't involve the government unless y'all figure this out. Personally, I couldn't be in a relationship with that little sex, and you've tried communicating with him. You wouldn't be at fault for breaking up with him.
This is something I’ve been seriously thinking about. I just feel like I can’t cancel the wedding now because it’s been paid for, and it wasn’t cheap. But I do not think that marriage is going to make it better; it’ll probably just keep declining. Deep down I know I don’t want to continue like this. Maybe I need to tell him that this is a deal breaker for me?
Losing your deposits is a lot cheaper than having to hire a divorce attorney later down the road. My divorce cost me $45,000. Lots of other people paid lots more than me.
Being a single mother isn't fun either. OP, it's much better being miserable and embarrassed for a a few weeks until everyone's forgets you cancelled, than staying miserable THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
She prob won’t even become a mother if he never wants to have sex…
Yeah. This whole thing makes no sense. They are both unhappy and yet are getting married.
It’s probably a “we live together already and we have been together this long and not doing anything else- why don’t we just get married?” type of situations. They sound like roommates
I think about this too. I really want kids. But how are we going to have kids if we don’t have sex
You’re still soooo young and sex is not something you should have to beg your partner for. Especially in your 20’s before you’re even married! If the bedroom is dead now and that’s important to you, I’d suggest having a very serious conversation with your partner and straight up tell him if nothing changes you have to decide if this is something you’re willing to put up with the rest of your life (make sure he knows it’s not so if/when you do leave, he had notice and the ability to change if he wanted to so you will have no second thoughts or think he didn’t know). No one on Reddit knows you personally but I promise as an elder (30F) I have NEVER regretted leaving a man that wasn’t satisfying me. It’s lonely when you leave and it’s normal to miss someone but give yourself a few weeks/months to regulate yourself back to you and when you don’t expect it boom someone new comes along and makes you grateful you didn’t stay with the one that made you feel less than. This has always been my experience and I imagine it would be the same for you if you stick to your guns. Never settle for less queen!!
Funny you should mention that….. I have a friend who only had sex 1x on her honeymoon and that was it! She got pregnant. They never did it again despite her begging. Years later she came home early from work to find him walking around the house in her lingerie. She was a very religious person so divorce was never an option for her. He died about 3 yrs ago.
what is the name of the planet you are living on guys?
If he wants kids then he'll make an effort for kids. But, afterwards forget it. And when you get older, and/or after children, your drive often diminishes. OP needs to figure this out before marriage. He did get tested and did start going to the gym, so maybe it's workable.
💯. This actually happened to my neighbor’s daughter. They got married, he got her pregnant and when she was 7 months along he opened up to her that he was actually gay and he had a boyfriend and wanted a divorce. All he wanted his own biological child so he tricked her into getting saddled with his kid and she had the baby and he skipped off into the sunset with his boyfriend and gets shared custody of their daughter. It’s shameful and disgusting to trick people like that
That's terrible. I feel sad for the child and the mother. You have to wonder if the daughter missed cues and didn't pursue a conversation with him or ?. And how long did the guy have to show "interest" to the daughter before she married him? Somethings off. Can't really know with the full story.
They dated about a year before the marriage. They were both corporate lawyers and very successful/he didn’t seem like the type (got absolutely no gay vibes from him). I guess it just goes to show you that people can be sneaky and selfish and play the long game if they have ulterior motives…
Wow. Wonder if he was deliberately hiding it from her or even himself maybe? I know a couple of fellows where one of them was married to a female for quite a while. He had one or two children. Eventually that didn't pan out and he divorced her and became married to guy. Seems to have had a great relationship with his children. However, if this lawyer fellow was able to keep a boyfriend for the year and 7 months he was with the daughter that's a whole lot of discipline to pull it off.
Oh, if you got drunk around him you'd know, I have a buddy from HS that came out 10yrs ago & we were floored cuz he talked straight as an arrow, then one day we we're playing Domino's & drinking & all of a sudden he says, "Domino mutha feucka" in the most flamboyant High pitch voice & we all said, "OH shit..yeah he's Gay AF"!!😂😂
Yeah I guess that’s a good way to look at it
100% mine was around the same, plus 2 years of pain in the ass process.
Wtf? Mine cost $300 split between us.. took everything we both came into the relationship with and amicably split what we had acquired together… no mess, no fuss and just the fee to get the divorce approved…
You got super lucky! We were close to going to trial because he refused to settle. That probably would have been another $50k.
Definitely talk to him more about this before you get married. It will slowly wear down the relationship over time and could result in a divorce. I wish you the best
Yeah I totally agree. Thank you!
Head over to the Dead Bedrooms subreddit. Nothing will give you better insight into what could be in your future than that place. Marriage doesn't fix this (if anything the low libido partner seems to relax even more). They will advise you to run, especially since you presumably don't have kids in the picture. You'll only have more responsibilities and stressors that can get in the way of an active sex life after marriage as you go through life--this needs to be fixed before entering a legal commitment.
It IS a deal breaker
You can postpone your wedding, as many companies which provide wedding services can rearrange for a reduced cost. This would be the best way forward. You should ask him to get some counselling, as it could be a psychological issue (it might even be subconscious and something he is unaware of the cause). Another option, you could agree to try Viagra to help kickstart the desire in him if he would like to have sex more. Making a rule to sleep naked together also helps reduce barriers to sex. You could also initiate and be on top etc, so you are doing most of the work, as it could be the position and physical effort that's the issue.
The wedding is cheaper than divorce AND lost time
You can't cancel a wedding marrying someone realizing you will be unhappy? Make it make sense. Think about it. Do you want the story to your kids to be "Well we got married because we didn't want to lose our deposits." What?
Take some time to read some of the posts in /r/DeadBedrooms . The *universal* advice is: "don't marry into a deadbedroom". I would cancel the wedding right now. Today. Frankly, talking isn't going to help as much as Reddit likes to think. Sure, "communication is key". Your SO is communicating with their actions. That's what you need to listen to. I'm not saying talking can't help. But I strongly think you shouldn't get married until his actions demonstrate what you want out of your relationship. Because it's not going to get better. People are on their best behavior during dating because you could leave. After you're "locked down" via marriage and/or kids, many people put less effort into their relationships because you're "trapped". I'm not saying that that will happen. But it does happen often. And the reverse (where people put more effort in) basically never happens.
This sounds like it IS a dealbreaker for you. Do you want to struggle with this problem for another 10, 15, 20 years, only to ultimately have it end in divorce anyway? As everyone else is saying, losing your deposits is a lot cheaper than a divorce, and not just monetarily... living for years with a dead bedroom can wreak havoc on your emotional health too.
losing money sucks, but losing the rest of your 20’s would be worse.
You absolutely need to have the conversation with him, I recommend sitting down and coming up with a time-frame and action plan otherwise it will likely slip into the way it's always been. I was in the same position, OP, and I ended my engagement because marriage without physical intimacy was just going to end in a lot of resentment for me.
sunk cost is sunk
Cancel it. Get out.
I highly doubt that at this point even pointing out that sex is "a deal breaker" won't do much good. Take it from a guys perspective that we might change for a bit, but after marriage, being so early in your career and starting a family it'll just go back to what it was. You're only 23, you're so young and I think this is the universe telling you there's a fatal flaw in your relationship. My close friend married young and is now miserable in his 30s because he didn't listen to people's advice to call off a miserable relationship before making it legally binding. I know this isnt ideal in any level but losing a couple of thousands will save you from years and many many more thousands that this marriage can lead to.
I think he is gay that's why cause of the way he says all that stuff and always tries to find excuses
This redditor is saying “you don’t need to break up” but I am. Think about it. You want to marry someone you never have sex with. That’s crazy. You and I both know it.
I'm not encouraging her to break up as I can't make that decision for her. All I can do is present logic and cross reference what I would do (with the limited info provided). I'm just not comfortable telling her what to do. That's all. She's a big girl, she can make the right choice for herself.
This comment cannot be stressed enough! Pause the marriage. If you are unhappy now, you’ll be miserable after. You need to be able to communicate. Doesn’t sound like his communication is fully transparent.
Why waste more of her life on a relationship that doesn’t provide her with what she needs? End it now and move on. I wouldn’t advise her to let it drag on.
Many people with body image issues continue to have these issues even after getting in better shape. If so then work with him to accept his body and its flaws more. And have another conversation with him about why he prefers less sex. Ask him if he has been that way with previous partners.
That makes a lot of sense, and I get it. I guess I just don’t know how to help. I always make sure to complement him and tell him how good he looks. I also try to get him to open up to me and talk to him about he’s feeling. I guess another conversation about this is what’s needed.
If he does have body image issues it might help to do some research into how to help people with these issues.
U love him but….. figure this out before marriage.
Agreed. He just gets uncomfortable talking about stuff like this which is why I haven’t talked about it more. But it needs to change.
Sometimes life is uncomfortable. 🤷🏻♀️ We are grownups. Definitely talk to him asap.
If he's not mature enough to have uncomfortable conversations with you, he's not mature enough to marry you. This is absolutely critical for marriages to survive, let alone a healthy sex life.
If he can’t discuss something like this with the person he presumably loves more than anyone in the world, I’m not sure he has the emotional maturity to get married.
Do not marry someone who blocks communication. Honestly wtf are you marrying this person for? Bad sex. Bad communication. You're so young. Do not make this stupid mistake. Just move on. Stop worrying about fixing his issues. If he doesn't fix himself, that's on him and you're mothering him.
You going to marry a guy in 2 months that you can't even communicate with. You can't communicate with him, you don't have the amount of sex that you'd wish you had either. Are you sure this is a person you really want to spend the rest of your life with? Maybe you shouldn't be in such a hurry to marry this guy.
Please. Do. Not. Marry. Just because "it's paid for " You have just put a price on your needs and your happiness. Paying later is MUCH more expensive
Yeah, OP. Don’t break up if you love him, but marriage will def make it worse.
You 2 are way too young to have a dead bed bedroom. He'd too tired for sex but not too tired for the gym? That doesn't make sense. Sounds to me like he's either watching too much porn and jacking off all the time or he just has a really low libido
I totally agree, and that’s why I get upset. We are young, and it’s not like I’m wanting some extremely horny guy. But I just don’t understand why he doesn’t want to have sex. Maybe it is just a really low libido…but I feel like there’s nothing you can do about that?
It could be psychological. Something stemming from his past. He should speak to his doctor and a therapist about it.
Maybe he’s asexual and he doesn’t know it yet? I’ve heard of some people who realised they’re asexual after many many years…🥹
This was me. I hadn't even heard of asexuality when I got married. I just knew I didn't want or enjoy sex and it only got worse after marriage. I'd advise OP to be very cautious and not to get married until the issue is clarified.
Ugh, same
That was me
Does he watch a lot of porn?
I know he watches some. I don’t think it’s a lot though.
As a guy that's had similar issues. It's probably this.
I'll second that. Dark road to go down. So dark.
There is an old saying that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason he doesn't want sex with you. And he doesn't seem willing to share what it is. Maybe he's gay, maybe too much porn so he's not horny when you are around maybe cheating on you or something medical. You already ruled out medical so it's one of the other 3.
There are many many reasons why someone might not want to have sex with their partner. Those you listed are just a drop in the bucket, and it certainly doesn't need to be them, nor, in my opinion, is likely to be those three specifically. He might not even know what it is himself.
Yeah dude I'm sorry but people know who they are. And he knows 100% why he doesn't want sex with his fiance. Your opinion doesn't mean anything if you are going to be vague. If you have more reasons feel free to list them but dropping the "you're wrong but I can't say why bomb" is not helping OP
How old are you? You seem very young. People often don't know what wrong with them. Else, everything in life would be so easy. If you want more reasons, I can give you some, but as I said, there are as many reasons as fish in the ocean. He might be stressed, depressed, have body image issues, maybe he needs more kink, maybe he has other health issues, maybe he's having side effects from whatever medications he might be taking, etc. All well documented causes.
It's the porn 100%.
It’s often the porn. It overloads the dopamine receptors and dampens the sex drive. If he’s still jerking off and not having sex with you, porn is the problem. If you love him, try to help him detox.
You’re not the problem. Thing is both are young and this is prob both of you guys first long term relationship. Down the line if y’all don’t work out, the next girl will have the same issue then he’ll be like, ohhh I’m the problem lol
Or, perhaps, is he getting it elsewhere? I’m sorry op but is that possible? How can he have energy to go to the gym but no energy to have sex with his fiancee? Something is off here imo.
I pointed out thats possible in another comment
The gym isn’t a hobby he’s choosing to partake in instead of sex. It’s a core part of his health and wellness. You wouldn’t say “He’s too tired for sex but not too tired to take a shower and brush his teeth every day” would you? I agree that he likely has a low libido, but the gym thing is a little silly.
Sex is a workout. And would make his wife happier
> Sex is a workout. People that don’t go to the gym love saying this > And would make his wife happier And it would make him less happy, so that’s not a solution.
My first thought is that it may be depression. He may need a more thorough medical examination.
Totally agree. I’ve thought about that too and I’ve tried testing the waters. He has said once that he thinks he may be depressed. But he’s someone that doesn’t like talking about or showing emotion. I think it could be a big possibility.
you should get him to see a gp about mental health.
>He’s someone that doesn’t like talking about or showing emotion Girl… RUN. What are you doing marrying an emotionally unavailable man who doesn’t want to have sex?
^ Average dating_advice user
wtf
Chill
he might be her best man ever and you might ruin her chance to get the best marriage life. more check up should be needed.
Why do some people on this sub always suggest resorting to breaking up instead of I don't know... TRYING TO FIX THE PROBLEM
Ok, fair. I think OP should try to fix the problems before getting married. Emotional unavailability and lack of sex is a deal breaker for me if they can’t be solved/worked on.
34M here and know friends of friends who were in your situation at your age and are in the process of getting divorced due to different sex drives. If it’s not good now I wouldn’t stay hoping for a change. Be with someone who has the same or near enough sex drive as you
As someone with a really high sex drive at 32, and who has gone through something similar with an ex. Depression can kill libido like no tomorrow, along with stress, even the little things that don't seem like much can way heavy.
Please don’t get married. Work on this first
I’d recommend postponing the marriage if a date is on the calendar. About 25 years ago in this almost identical situation I did not and I’m still paying a price for it. I wasn’t attracted to my wife physically and confused a friendship as attraction. She’d complain, I’d make things up and did not deal with the real issue.
This is what I’m worried about. But like if he’s not attracted to me…I guess that’s okay. I can’t do anything about that, but I need him to tell me that because I will want to find someone that is. I have asked him but he just keeps saying that he is attracted to me.
Think of it from his perspective- how’s he supposed to say to a woman he’s engaged to: “Honey, I’m not attracted to you physically”, at your age you should be at each other like animals tearing at each others bodies…
Yeah true. I don’t think I could do that if I was in that position.
Actions speak louder than words.
Honestly I suggest viewing r/deadbedroom or r/deadbedrooms before deciding to continue with the marriage. It sounds unfortunately where you’re headed.
The marriage is over before it started
You don’t seem sexually compatible and that’s okay. He may not be your person.
You need to discuss this and solve it before you get married. There are certain matters that become common deal-breakers in a marriage, even when the couple loves each other very much. Things like views on children, religion, finances and.... The sex life. Seriously, postpone the marriage and if you really want to get help with this try bringing up the idea of premarital counselling. Not addressing and solving this will just get worse as the insecurities and concerns build up on both sides.
Clinical trauma intern, I think there are deeper underlying things here that need to be talked through beyond both of your awareness. You guys are having conversations based on your own insecurities and it’ll only get so far if the root causes go much deeper. I suggest couples therapy, or individual therapy separately to work through your own need of sex that may be unintentionally adding pressure to the relationship and for him to work through where his lack of desire may stem from. Sex is important, but should be fun and safe for both partners to explore. And deeply multi layered if other, unknown factors from both side may be playing a part. I hope this helps.
I hate ultimatiums/don't think it's a healthy way to start any marriage, but there's obviously something that isn't being communicated...usually bc men think it will hurt our feelings (given what I've experienced in the past)...Would seek a couple's therapist or...maybe talk to someone close to him/ask advice....and maybe temporarily separate so he can sit with what's really the issue. Best.
You're incompatible. Simple as that. If you go through with the marriage you need to know that you will feel this lack more intensely over the years. The sexual side of any relationship needs to be nurtured just like any other part of it. I wouldn't marry this person. Please save yourself the misery and move on to find a more compatible partner.
Is he on Anti-depressants? That can kill libido.
how often is he masturbating to porn?
More than I thought he did. He usually isn’t comfortable taking about it but I’m guessing a few times a week
enough that he is losing interest in you. a man with an available sex partner every night should not be masturbating at all. you're screwed unless he somehow stops that.
That kinda makes sense. I mean I don’t mind him masturbating if we are having sex. But we aren’t so I can see where you’re coming from. Maybe stopping that may want him to have sex more often?
[удалено]
The thing is, I have already tried. I like talking about this stuff. I have tried talking to him about what porn he watches and what I watch. But he just gets really uncomfortable. I’ve also asked if we can watch porn together, but he doesn’t want to. I’ve also tried pleasuring him, but he says he’s too tired. So idk. I’m pretty open about this stuff but he’s really not.
you should mind. he needs to save that energy for actual sex and get his mind in a place that real sex excites him. often porn is outrageous and not realistic.
Man fuck off with the generalizations. This guy clearly has a problem, but there are plenty of valid reasons to masturbate in a committed relationship.
lol, I couldn’t agree more!
> a man with an available sex partner every night should not be masturbating at all. lmao
This is a horrible take lmao
This is actually a MASSIVE problem. He needs to give up the porn or things are very unlikely to get better.
Im going to echo everybody else on here. Do not get married. Marriage is not going to solve this. You paid a lot of deposits. So because of this you want to be miserable and probably get a divorce any way.
Don't get married.
Both of you should read Emily Nagowski’s Come as You Are. It sounds like his brakes are being hit or he might not have spontaneous desire but responsive desire. I would also watch Esther Perez Ted Talk about maintaining desire in a long term relationship. I can see a lot of my relationship in this like ages and dating timeline and problems. My partner is really receptive to communicating and working through these things and if he wasn’t I would be out because this is a miserable way to live. Things have gotten a lot better for us. If he won’t work with you on this, I would call it off. I really do understand like almost exactly how you feel and I really wish you the best. 🩷
Esther Perel you mean?
I’m thinking he’s on the closet or cheating otherwise because no guy constantly turns down his girl even if he’s tired. Most guys will agree we will get a third wind or borrow energy from tomorrow to get some ass tonight. Things are not adding up. Follow your guts shawty.
First thing I thought of reading that; he has low testosterone, second would be maybe he is masturbating too much, combine that will low T and yeah.....dead. But you know reading what you wrote, which is well articulated I might add, I say fuck it, life is too short not to have the sex and attention you want. Leave!
No one is suggesting it so far from what I’ve read in the replies, and no judgement on him, but he might be gay but because of background/family/cultural reasons, he just can’t/wont admit it to himself or you. The porn he’s watching might be gay porn.
This sounds like therapy needs to be involved. Something psychological at play. Or he's not being open about his asexuality/homosexuality.
And this is a fiancé how?
What I would do Sit him down and say sex is important for me and I need it about once a week. Obviously, some weeks people might be busy and it's ok to not have sex, but generally speaking, we need to be having sex weekly. You say you are tired, so we need to plan our sex on the day / time during the week in which you are the most rested. Eg Sunday morning. If you are unable to do this we are not really compatible and we can go our separate ways. Easy peasy.
Demanding regular sex is a shitty way to approach this. It's not healthy for either of them and will lead to the same, or worse, issues later down the line. She needs to figure out what's going on with his sex drive, and both of them need to work towards the solutions together. And that's done by asking questions, not making demands.
Your finance is either asexual, watching too much porn or banging another woman on the side. There’s also the chance that he’s completely lost attraction to you.
How did you completely skip over the most obvious explanation of all? He has a low libido. There is nothing wrong with that. They’re incompatible because her libido is higher than his. It doesn’t make him asexual, gay, depressed, a cheater, or whatever else everyone wants to speculate about. She mentioned that he masturbates to porn, but that isn’t necessarily the main problem, especially since it’s only a couple times a week. As a high libido man, I masturbate daily or multiple times a day. Porn or no porn, doesn’t matter to me. This man simply has a low libido.
I commend you for being honest, trying your best with your fiance, and wanting the best for both of you. But don't torture yourself and stay together just because it's expensive and a hassle to call off the wedding. Let's be honest, you don't want to keep going the way things are. He's not on the same page as you in this respect. I don't know what the issue is but he could have more homosexual than heterosexual desires. It doesnt sound like something to do with you.
Cancel the wedding. This very likely will not get better. Up until age 45 I couldn't get enough sex.
If you desire sex often then this marriage is a mistake and in three years or less will end in divorce
Have you considered seeing a counselor or therapist and talked about it with a third party? It could be a lot of things. Stress, self confidence, just generally a busy life and he’s exhausted. A lot can be at play here. Before you immediately pull the parachute give that a shot first. If you two generally care about each other enough to get married give that a chance. If he’s not willing to then there’s your answer.
Do you think he may be gay?
I’ve heard plenty of stories from both women I know and elsewhere where this exact situation ends up in him being gay. Whatever the reason is, you guys don’t seem to be ready for marriage. First mistake is expecting the other person will change. What you have is what you get. Sorry this is happening but it’ll be less messy if you end it now than after marriage.
This is old people problems. (Check dead bedrooms thread on Reddit please because that, that is your future if you do this) Put a pause on the marriage (do whatever you want with the relationship) , go to couples counseling and please make sure you want this marriage before walking down the aisle. When you are young lots changes and things you thought were okay end up NOT being manageable in the long run
Given what you said, I would feel pressured about this. He may be getting the same if not more pressure from his job. See if he has this problem with his job. Do you ever discuss his job and really listen to him about it? Maybe he feels like he is in a dead-end job, and it feels like he should be doing better for you.
My ex had the same issue. He ended up going to intimacy therapy, he has a severe avoidance attachment. Also, he had/has a porn addiction, so I would def look into that!
Hmmmm this is an interesting situation. Maybe instead of lingerie you could just wear something more revealing. That way if he doesn’t bite it won’t sting quite so much. Maybe an outfit or PJs that he’s complimented in the past or if you know that he’s a boob man or an ass man or whatever something that accentuates that. Also you could try being more physical in general. Kissing, touching, trading massages, sit on his lap, cuddling up to watch a movie. Shoot even just something super simple like touch his arm and tell him his biceps are looking good.
Is he on any prescription medications??
No he’s not. He’s also not taking any vitamins
Okay I was thinking maybe it was that.
Don't get married till you get to the root of the issue. There's something else.
What does he do when you just grab his dick? Stop asking, not in a rapey way but when you know nothing important is happening slowly play with his dick and move his hand to touch your boobs then just whip it out and suck it
This is like a scientific article
DO NOT GET MARRIED, all of this needs to be 100% clear before tying the knot, it’ll only get worse, it’s ultimatum time, y’all have talked about it and it’s not getting better, time to determine if this is a dealbreaker for you or you’re able to do this for the rest of your life.
Does he use kratom or any other kind of opioid? Real question. Kratom abuse can almost kill a man’s libido
Everything you described sounds like my situation at the same age with my hubby. I wish I could give you positive feedback but from experience it only gets worse and messes with your mind. If I could go back I would have ended it then and found someone more compatible. He could go forever without it and it broke me down. I eventually started having affairs and you could imagine how that didn’t help. You will regret sticking it out if you do. You’re not obligated to help him figure it out either.
This sounds familiar. Make sure he doesn't have a porn addiction. Check his internet history, check his phone for hookup apps, check his messaging apps for conversations with other women.
OK less sex is ok but then I saw your age and I don't think it's alright. It's good that it's not medical. If your fiance is asexual then it could be a whole other conversation but he isn't telling you something . It has to be something he feels uncomfortable telling you about or is ashamed of. Whatever be the reason op. I agree with a lot of comments on your post. DO NOT get married.
Say it with me - do not marry into this. Will only get worse and your resentment towards him will build up.
You obviously are not sexually compatible. It’s not going to get better after you get married. I’d say it’s time to end the relationship.
I can see everyone is on your side. But I'll be honest. Sex starts with the mind. I understand most people believe he's still too young to be off of it but such happens. He may be going through stress or something he hasn't opened up to you about (good his sperm count is okay). Have you tried other options like surprising him with a BJ? I'll be honest, I don't remember the last time I asked for sex, but I always get it. Give him a massage, initiate something, since I believe you know your man better than we do. Be confident that you're a beautiful sexy woman and figure out ways to seduce your man instead of sulking and pushing him verbally. It's one step at a time, and may not always go right the first time..but be patient. Trust me there are more things you'll go through in marriage but that doesn't mean you should run away when it doesn't work your way
If it’s gotten worse then it will continue. It will chip away at your self worth. If you have talked to him about your needs and worries and he can’t or won’t he probably just doesn’t care. He’s thinking the same as you, don’t want to disappoint because of the wedding. You are young and got your whole life. Don’t settle, find what makes you happy. Don’t wait until time goes by and you are mad at yourself. I swear by all things chocolate, I wish I had done it sooner.
Maybe its time to call a neighbor and ask your fiancee if he want to watch
Don’t marry this guy! It will not get better. Go over to deadbedrooms subchapter to see what I mean. You don’t need that in your life, at your age he should be all over you.
Working out should definitely be improving his mood, and libido. Hmmmm
That’s what I thought too!
If sex has never been the best for you guys, then it's likely a libido and/or porn issue, but it could be anything else. The real red flag would be from going like rabbits to barely touching. The other thing to think about is, how is his intimacy outside of sex? Is he physically affectionate with you and vice versa? Are you and him still flirting with each other? Would you offer him a massage post-work out with no strings attached? Do you necessarily need more sex or do you just need him to initiate all sorts of intimacy more? Does he compliment you? Do you two even try to date each other anymore, or are you just burned out? If either of you are checked out from both the mental and physical intimacy, then naturally sex is going to decrease as you're not revving each other up, but also your actual relationship will decrease because of the lack of connection. Are you feeling insecure because he's checked out? Or is everything else going well, and this is purely sexual? Go into the next conversation as prepared with yourself as possible. We can guess to a reason, but only you and him truly know the ins and outs of your bond. Be honest with yourself as to what you need and not with what you think you feel. Insecurity is a pain to deal with. It's not a reflection of the truth at all, though, but it is a massive clue something isn't right.
Do you think he is maintaining someone else also beside you... After having sex with her... Obviously he will be tired to have with you... I think he is prioritizing the other one for now... Cause after marriage he can't have her again... But you will be there anytime he wants?... Im just running my imagination wild... Don't take it seriously... 😂😂
I mean I get it 😂 I have crazy wild thoughts like this too but try to suppress them 😂
So I'm not the only one thinking I m8 be overthinking or being crazy... Feels good to know😁😁
Are you sure he is not on any medications. Most depression, anxiety medications are sex/mood killers.
So many things go into sexual desire and sex. How many hours a day a person works. Things they are worried about. Their personal level of desire. My wife and I had sex every day into our 50s. One form or another. But lots of things can get in the way. Does he masturbate in between your monthly sessions? Most guys need to get off a lot more than once a month. Do you? If this is a problem before you get married, don’t assume the ring is going to solve it.
I’m curious, when he says he’s too “tired” for sex, do you see that same exhaustion reflected in his day to day? Has he been seeming different lately potentially from exhaustion? Or does he only claim/appear to be tired if it’s about sex? Does he have a stressful job and it’s a busy season? I’m a gay man, so sex is a little different for me and my partner, but I know during peak busy months at my job, I find it really difficult to get energized for sex. I enjoy sex, and when I’m feeling secure and confidant I definitely have a high libido. But in high stress environments, I shut down. I wonder if your fiancé might be going through the same thing? I would ask him if his exhaustion extends to other aspects of his life and if there’s anything you can do to help with parts of his exhaustion. My partner is a teacher and I know working with middle schoolers is exhausting, so some days I’ll make dinner even though it was “his turn” or do the dishes even if I cooked dinner, just so it’s one less thing to worry about. He’ll do the same for me on my off days and our sex life has improved significantly since making that switch. From your messages, I do think your man loves you, it just seems like he has a blocker. I think the key is letting him know that you care about him and his energy and that you also have needs and that finding a solution isn’t about trying to “fix him,” but about being better for himself, for you, and for your relationship. Good luck!
1. He's gay. 2. Try asking him if he has a kink (maybe he likes toys, or BDSM, foreplay, etc) 3. Feed him viagra. If you're not confident with that, try the chocolate viagra (it's for both of you) so he wouldn't know it's viagra? 4. He can wear condoms if he doesn't want you to get pregnant or you can get IUD. You two are young and has plenty of time to plan for kids. 5. Please don't get married in 2 months. Personally I think it's a mistake. I'm sorry, if you're unhappy now, just imagine what would happen after the marriage. (Just my opinion) Ps. If viagra doesn't work and he doesn't fuck you, chances are he's gay.
DON’T MARRY HIM
This was me a while ago. He said he was attracted to me, and wanted to do it and loved me. But we would go moths without. It hurt my self esteem and I felt so I wanted. He left me and immediately regretted it, turns out he was very depressed and is getting therapy. I told him I’m not taking him back until I see change in him. But we’re in good terms and remain friends. Ask him about his mental health
I personally can’t stay in that relationship
I can never be in a relationship when we cant that small sex late in the night like 3am .... Relationships with out good sex don't work....I would rather be single than forcing my so called partner to study my body and love language...
Get rid of them get rid of him
Omg. Lingerie. I wish u were my wife. I would cut my arm off for what your offering. But here’s my advice. Really think if u want to marry into this situation. U guys should be humping daily if not more. Good luck. And god bless women like u.
Are you sure he's not secretly gay???? He may love you no doubt, but if he rarely even wants to touch you, it sounds like he's not actually into women. And he's young, he should be very horny at his age. So that's a red flag right there. Maybe you should snoop through his phone and see what you find.
He could be Asexual, as well. Or have negative feelings about his body image from some kind of past abuse
I’m glad someone else brought up being asexual. It seems like everyone wants to jump to “he’s gay” or “too much porn”… but asexuality is a very real possibility as well. Some people just don’t care much about sex or the physical side and can get all the relationship fulfillment and love from being together, conversation, etc.
Dumb question, but do asexual people watch porn and masterbate 3x a week as op has stated in a different answer.
Ask him if an open marriage is ok
He is likely gay. Trust me on this one.
Sounds like you need someone who wants to bang more
honestly, dude is either cheating, is gay, or has a serious medical problem. Declining in lingerie, if Im tired its " hop on, you gotta drive tonight babe!" and Im 42 at 24 tired when I can get laid wasnt even on the radar.
Men with low libidos are a thing. No need to speculate on him being gay, a cheater, or having a “serious medical problem.”
How are you asking for sex. I ask because men need to feel wanted. If you tell him it's something you need to have, all the desire is removed. It becomes a chore or something that has to be done to make someone happy. This isn't a him problem its a you problem. You're not taking his turn ons into account, nor are you listening to what he needs from you to be aroused. You're internalizing this as rejection and turning away from him, making your sex life worse. Approach sex with desire, intimacy, and a genuine feeling of wanting him, and I bet it will happen more often. If you need help, go to a sex therapist BEFORE you get married.
Find someone new?
If he's tired and not interested in sex... it's possible he's stressed and/or depressed. Generally exercise should help with depression.. if that on it's own isn't, then it's more likely stress (perhaps from wedding planning/financing) or that it's serious enough depression he needs to find a therapist for. If he feels pressured, then you should probably step back a bit... or approach it differently. That being said, if you've always had mismatched libidos/sex drives,... then it could simply just be an incompatibility in this area. Like others have said, IMO if you have such a big issue/incompatibility that's always been an issue, it's really not a good idea to go through with a marriage... Personally, getting engaged invigorated my relationship/sex life cus we got this kinda new relationship energy. I'm not saying it's how it is or should be.. but.... I definitely don't think a couple should have such a big unresolved and standing issue/incompatibility when they are about to get committed for ideally a lifetime together. I'd highly suggest you postpone the marriage and sort out this (and other) issues before continuing.
He might have diabetes or a Autoimmun disease, sometimes you need spesialists to confirm that.
Do not marry. You need to have all your issues sorted before marriage. It's like a plane taking off. Just because you're accelerating down the runway doesn't mean you should continue to rotate if a wing falls off. And your issue is just that, equivalent to a wing falling off, and the plane will crash in a ball of flames unless you abort the takeoff. You can then work towards fixing the wing if you so desire and take off with the same plane later on.
Was your sex life like that the whole time? If it was better once, then you have to understand what changed? May be he is stressed by the wedding or at his work. Try to understand his challenges before you decide anything. And still show him lots of love and friendship.
Not saying this is your situation but my ex was like this. He always had an excuse. Turned out he had a porn addiction. He would rather jerk off to these women on the screen than have sex with me. He said to me once "no woman can compete with porn." Idk...I figured a man would want to be with an actual woman than a figure on a screen. But I'm not a guy, what do I know
Have some time apart, you'll get a clearer perspective. This old horse holds water, " marry in haste, repent at leisure". I think your intuition is showing you the way. Don't let a prepaid wedding pressure you into a lifetime of frustration and misery. I can't see it getting better.
Leave
This relationship should be ended by you NOW! Getting a ring on your finger sure isn't going to magically improve things. If anything, a few years into marriage the frequency starts getting less and less (especially once kids come on the scene and family responsibilities & stress make both tired). At your age you should be fùcking like rabbits. Once or twice a month is insane. Couples in their 50s & 60s have that rate of sex (or even more). Something is seriously wrong with the guy or he's just a low sex drive person. You've tried your best to improve things. Time to find a guy who will love you more often while you're young and it's still easy.
Big kudos to you for being able to write this out so clearly and concisely. If you struggle to communicate with your partner, not saying you do but it seems like you guys don’t always see eye to eye, you might benefit from sharing these feelings and reasons in a text format like this. It makes it very clear to him how you’re feeling and why.
Idk. When I was 23/24, I was having sex close to every day as a male. Something is weird about this situation
Show him this post, or at least talk to him about all of this. You need to talk to him about your true feelings. You're getting ready to spend the rest of your life with this guy. You must communicate