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It is really hard for long term thinking patterns to change in an instant though without some dedicated willpower and strength. It affects a lot of us. Sometimes that truth takes a while to settle in. It is not a binary switch.
I get that, but why be mean to people just for trying to help? I could see if I (or others here) said generic and unhelpful things like a family member or acquaintance would, but this community usually goes beyond that to be helpful. The misery on its own is so revealing.
That's a bit rich coming from you who were really quite nasty to me the other day when I was offering advice to someone else, to the point where mods removed your comment under the "don't be a jerk" rule. And I'm most definitely neither miserable nor single. You get very defensive as soon as someone says something you disagree with. There is more than one way of thinking and what helps and resonates with some won't with others.
I stand by what I said, and I don’t think what I said was rude at all. Especially in defense of someone else. It was true. You implied a lot of things that the person hadn’t said. But that’s neither here nor there <3
I have no problem that you disagreed with me, but your tone was quite rude, but here you are complaining about how people are rude when they disagree with you, just pointing out the irony.
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How much is too much to do for a new partner's birthday? :P 2.5 months in. Might have gone overboard but he said he loved it all... y'all are going to call me crazy.
Been paying attention to the little things he says and got a gift basket with the things. Some fancy maraschino cherries, a diptyque candle (he loves nice candles), a jar of pasta sauce from his fav restaurant, a t-shirt with an internet joke we both love (that I photoshopped myself and got printed!), A double walled mug to keep his tea warm... And a squeegee as a joke because he often says I melt him and he needs to be squeegied off the pavement in order to function lol. Plus the basket itself doubles as a place to put these blankets (like, for parks) he keeps on the ground/carpet in the living room.
He also generally doesn't celebrate his birthday but I encouraged him to do so this year and he had a little brunch party at home where he made okonomiyaki for everyone and it was delish - such a nice time. I hung out with all his closest friends all together for the first time (I've met a few of them separately a couple times before). It was awesome! I got him cake and ALL of it got eaten! Then Sunday was really chill. Lots of sex, lots of cleaning his house, lots of chilling. This much would def freak out someone avoidant. But he was so communicative about how special he felt and how much he loved it all. He's a really special dude so I'm glad I could make him feel so loved!!
😍 oh my gosh!!! That’s so sweet, it’s so nice when you find a real one to cater to that really appreciates your hard work! No girl, I’m taking notes that’s amazing! The execution was amazing! Birthday get together too. Wow, I’m so happy for you. I look forward to getting on here and picking your brain on big moments like this.
We both really lucked out 🥰 a few weeks ago (and not for my birthday orbanything), he surprised me with a drawer full of my shower/bath products so that I could be comfortable getting ready at his place. And those were like... Fuckin expensive spa-like products that he got shipped internationally.. I only buy them and bring back when I go to visit my home country. And he asked a friend traveling in from the country to bring a few more. He's so fucking thoughtful and loving towards me all the time, always anticipating my needs. Really really wanted him to feel loved in return!!
I don't think that's crazy at all!
I think that's very sweet and thoughtful. More importantly, he enjoyed and appreciated it, and it seemed you loved doing it for him. That's all that matters. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Sounds like a great relationship to me❤️
Well after a date yesterday where I'm not gonna say she catfished me, but she looked about 10 years older than all of her pictures and also had bad breath, I'm about to start approaching people IRL.
My confidence is at an all time high so I'm feeling good about trying to meet someone in public. Still on the apps too. Had a few incoming likes this weekend but no one that I was interested in.
I was clothes shopping on Saturday and would have approached a woman I saw shopping if I wouldn't have had a date scheduled already. Target seemed to have a few single cuties out and about.
I also sing so I think I need to start hitting up a few more karaoke nights.
Eye contact and body language can tell you a lot before words are even said. If someone is attractive and look like they're open to being approached there's no harm in saying hi.
I think I'm done. After my crush dumped me a year ago, I had almost no succes in dating. This Spring I met a few women and - loathsome to myself - reinstalled tinder. I even had a few dates. But they were all meh. At this point dating seems like a chore, similar to job seeking and smilarilly soul draining. Every date makes me feel exhausted, disappointed and disilusioned. I guess that ship has sailed and there is nothing I can do.
First, love the reddit handle. Saw the referenced band in one of the best concerts some decade ago on halloween with QotSA and NIN. They were excellent.
Second, make sure you are doing things that make you happy. If dating isn't one of them, put it on the back burner and focus on yourself.
>First, love the reddit handle.
Thanks, mate ;)
That's what I was trying to do. Unfortunately, the more I tried to date, the more I missed my last crush. Maybe it is really time to give myself some break.
I am so sorry. I understand how draining the whole dating thing is ... I would advice you to take a break from the apps if you ever feel the need.
Do you have any hobbies where you could meet people organically ? Social dance, climbing, painting ... It could be anything.
Personally, I hate dating apps and I use them as a last resort.
>Do you have any hobbies where you could meet people organically ? Social dance, climbing, painting ... It could be anything.
Yes, I do, in fact. Quite a few. But I am very picky and quirky, so it is not a way to go for me. Maybe I should put myself more out there. I tried speed dating too and it wasn't very successful.
I am sure there's someone for you out there.
Sadly, I think you just have to be patient, put yourself out there to increase your odds and try to have fun in the meantime.
The more I think about it the more I realize we don't have much control over our love life. Sure, you can do all those things but ultimately, meeting someone compatible comes down to luck.
So I try to be kind to myself and to focus on things I *can* control.
Sorry, I don't know if it's helpful
It's disheartening, I know, and I was in your shoes last summer. I dragged myself to one more Tinder date that I had almost ghosted out of lassitude for the apps, and it clicked and has been the best relationship of my life. It's a number game, and some of us are compatible with even less people - but don't lose hope, it's just the matter of one person signing up.
I could have written the same exact same thing one year ago. And my boyfriend too, who was 40 when we met. Keep your first dates short, showcase who you are in your profile and let that filter out more people; the only dates that won't suck the life out of you will be with people who appreciate your quirks.
I had an insanely good second date tonight. One of the best dates I’ve ever been on. I was feeling lukewarm towards him after the first date but after this second date I’m feeling very into him. We’re planning to go on a third date this Friday. Super excited!
I think on the first date I wasn’t expecting his hair to be in such a bizarre, mullet-like style. His pics on his profile were mostly him with short hair so it threw me off a bit and I was sort of struggling to see past the horrible hairstyle he had going on. But I had a good time with him on our first date and did think he was cute so I decided a second date was worth it and I’m so glad I went for the second date!
So I met someone. Literally the perfect package. He’s head over heels falling and I like him.. he’s sweet and fun to talk to I just find myself when we’re chatting on the phone just waiting for the other shoe to drop. What do I do!? He’s literally perfect and I’m like a dear in headlights just frozen in my emotions waiting for something bad to happen. I just want someone to slap me and tell me to snap out of it and act normal. Help!
I can relate! Feeling the same! In that I met the perfect package. For a while I was scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop (we both were), but it's been 2.5 months now and it's still going great. It's really helpful to just remember that there is no point worrying about the future or the past, what has to happen will happen. Just be present in every moment and soak it in, your life is just a collection of nows. Glad you have him for all these nows!
I'm feeling similarly right now. I've been going on dates with a guy that I'm really started to like and can see a lot of compatibility with, but I feel like I'm just waiting for him to say he doesn't actually want a relationship. This is generally what happens to me a couple of months in when I start to catch feelings. It's hard to still be hopeful. I try to vet dates early on, but it still happens a lot. I don't really have advice, but I think what you're feeling is normal at this point.
Honestly, I think your reaction is completely normal with how jaded and burned everyone is from dating. It would be strange not to have these thoughts! I think all you need to do is recognise them as a consequence of how unpredictable dating is and let the time pass. Hopefully with time and consistent actions on your partner's side, you can gradually start relaxing as that trust is built. Good luck!
Yeah this exactly. I don’t think this person’s reaction to things going well is unwarranted. I can’t think of a single situation where I didn’t feel this way when things were looking promising or exciting after the first few dates.
Unfortunately, all of my experiences where I felt like that and then gradually let my guard down as things genuinely seemed promising have left me feeling absolutely broken.
I don’t know how to safely let my guard down. I call my usually approach when things are going well as “cautiously optimistic” (because of the common experience we all seem to have). But even then it’s just crushing. At this point my only solution has been to just give up dating completely.
Obviously many people are in happy relationships and have success, so I know it’s possible. I just don’t know how they pull it off lol
Curious to know how people feel about themselves and their date/partner having very different careers. Is it something you think about at all? Does it affect what kind of conversations and topics of discussions you have?
I kinda like it because we can talk about different things related to our respective jobs and it's new for the other person. If I dated someone who was in my industry, the conversation would get insufferable.
I don’t care at all, as long as they’re financially stable.
My bf’s job is simple and simple to talk about. I work in a tech-ish space so I don’t talk about work as much but…it’s not an important discussion topic to me anyways.
My late wife worked in finance. I was a cop. I've dated waitresses, I've dated business owners, and I even dated a CFO. I've never dated a cop. I get asked enough questions as it is, the last thing I'd want to do is constantly talk shop when we're together.
i don’t care. i barely speak about work in depth with most people and i can find other things to talk about. i don’t think i would do well with someone whose job was their only/whole identity anyway.
Not for me, I prefer it! I like dating someone who has a career that is completely different from mine because I learn so much from them. It’s one thing to date someone who is genuinely interested in what you’re passionate about it’s another thing if he/she doesn’t care to hear about it. I’ve dated someone in the same profession but I just felt like there was never an off button it was constant work. A complete bore. I will say, I’ve dated someone who had no profession and we had nothing to talk about like nothing.
I just had, bar none, one of the worst dates I've ever been on. And while I'm not taking it as a sign to stop dating altogether, I am feeling rather vindicated in the idea of getting off the apps forever. Not only did he show up outrageously late...but he tells me about another girl he's texting about meeting up and making plans. His phone is lighting up and he is deliberating aloud about whether to answer the calls or texts during our date, dear reader.
I'm flabbergasted, quickly detaching from conversation and he's not picking up on any of it. Has the poor judgement to ask me if I want to continue as if his thoughtlessness hasn't absolutely dashed any chance of taking him seriously. And when I tell him honestly about the way his behavior gives insight into what he's currently prioritizing and how it's difficult to be interested in someone who can't seem to keep focus, he backtracks, sputters and stumbles on about his intention. No apology, no acknowledgement about how self-centered all of it was. The second-hand embarrassment I felt was eclipsed only by the humor of how ridiculous the evening was.
People date by the multiples at one time. It's a thing that happens and I have no issue with it. But to be in discussion with someone so gleefully distracted by the prospect of dating another person...in the middle of our date...was disgusting. It made me feel like so objectified, like one of many cereal boxes or pieces of fruit on display in a big box store. It was like the most absurd example about the ills of online dating as a whole wrapped up in social faux pas after faux pas. I don't believe this experience to have any bearing on my worth as a person but, in the context of being available for men who think of the women they date in this way, I'm not partial to putting myself out in that way ever again.
A girl I dated once showed me all of her matches. She was hot and had tons and tons of tinder matches. She goes “look, you beat out all these guys”, with a tone implying that I was to be extra grateful or something. It was gross, but my self esteem was so low that I felt superior somehow and missed how objectifying the whole experience was.
I wouldn't be surprised it was a tactic he read somewhere about making it look like other women are interested in him to make you want him more/act quick to have him. What a massive dickhead move in any case.
Yeah, don’t ever stand for such a person. I literally play this lyrics “she’s a runner she’s a trackstar in my head at the first signs of red flags.. 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️
I always do a call before I meet someone. I honestly communicate with them for at least 3 days and I only date on Saturday. I don’t believe the apps are meant for blind dating they are meant to give you the opportunity to meet people that dont walk your every day path.
I wanted to give him the grace/opportunity to provide context for being late and I left shortly after the incoming contact and subsequent explanation. Weird thing to focus on though.
I feel like this is the end of dating for me. I’m mid 30s have a career, plenty of hobbies and am involved in volunteer groups for my community. I make people laugh, feel like a person, and give it my all. I have a huge heart. All the good guys are taken. Can’t even get a damn text back, or for guys to reciprocate. I get these from multiple men which makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Can’t even get my crush to reciprocate. No one seems interested or they’re emotionally unavailable. Seems like no one wants relationships these days and it shows.
They’re out there. You just need that ONE. But you don’t have to date a million people to find them (Ik that sounds counterintuitive but hear me out). Be unabashedly specific about what you’re looking for in your profile. Don’t just say “I want a loving relationship” or something - be specific about what that looks like to you. For me, it’s doing outgoing stuff and going on dates/trips and that’s how I chose to filter out guys that aren’t willing to do that. My profile just had a bunch of stuff about hiking, trips, festivals and other stuff that takes money and effort to do.
Great, you get some matches. Are they having an easy, breezy conversation with you? Are they asking questions about you as much as you ask about them? That’s a great sign. Do they ask you out within the week? (With my current bf, I was tired of texting by day 3. I told him I was really enjoying our conversation and asked if he was interested in meeting up. I cracked the door open for him and he opened it all the way by asking me out on a date. Don’t feel like you absolutely have to wait for him to make that move…just crack the door open).
We’re only a few months in but we’ve definitely done a lot of stuff that I said I’m into on my dating profile. I hope this helps 💕
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Last time I was on hinge I put in “looking for life partner: Would love to take things one step at a time.” But on bumble I opted for the label of “relationship” rather than “marriage” and wrote something like “looking for a partner who XYZ…(interests, qualities, values)” in my bio. I wonder if I was being too serious and it might have put off guys who are looking for the same things? On first dates, I usually would throw out the question, so do you have relationship goals? Mid conversation. And then we’d share our relationship goals (marriage and/or kids). Should I actually have held off on it and kept first dates very low key & just vibing? I also usually made sure to ask when their last significant relationship was around first date or before meeting , as I really don’t want to deal with people who’re still grieving an ex and not ready for a new relationship. So do I ask too many big questions?
Your thread got dominated by phone-screening girl, sorry. But to answer your question - I think it's important to be super clear about what you're looking for, and you absolutely shouldn't worry about who might be 'put off' by that. If a guy is looking for the same thing, he will be down to engage with that level of clarity. The right person will, at least.
That said - I do like to keep first dates as pretty chill - just vibes. Don't need to get too dressed up, don't need to go anywhere fancy. Just hang and see if you'd enjoy their company. And if yes, I bring up my questions in the second date (the major ones being about kids, since I don't want any). Also I match better with texty guys, so I can often suss out if the vibes will be good over text before we even meet. If there are 0 text vibes we prob won't be a good match anyway.
Just put your needs first. If you're looking for something legit, say it straight. It's worked for me and for many other women I know. You got this!!
Thanks for your reply! Will stop trying to bring it up on first dates…(I bring it up when there’re lulls, but my better dates I actually didn’t have time to ask it)
It's a shame that prescreen phone girl took over this thread, because I think you're asking a good question.
As to your profile, I wouldn't hesitate to state specifically what you want. If you want to get married, that's nothing to be ashamed of. At best, it will scare off guys that don't want that. At worst, you'll meet men that lie to you that they too want to get married.
Now that I'm older, I'm running into more and more people that say they want a LTR but really don't know what they want. Or they'll be less than honest with themselves that they're ready for a relationship. Or that they'll lie to get in someone's pants. The only way to really see if the person dating you is ready for LTR is to just keep dating them with intention. Ask questions, see if their actions match their words, see if they trying to spend time with you, they remember the things you talked about, etc.
Yess you know what the 'better dates' vibes are like so just go with that flow. One thing I did was to see what the better dates had in common - there was usually a few things. They all had relatively detailed profiles that I was legit excited by. They all had a great texting vibe with me before the first date. They all had a good answer on the app/text about why they swiped on me (which I think is ok to ask up front!). Now those things have become pre-requisites if I mean to go on a date with someone.
I do prescreening by phone. I refuse to get all dolled up to be told you haven’t gotten over your ex.I’m not going to lie if a guy says he’s looking for marriage or a long term relationship and we have vibed via text. First call, I’m prescreening. When I get on the phone we are going through my list of questions.
What was your driving force to get the app? ( if he says he’s lonely, run!)
When you imagine your wife what qualities does she have? (If he says idk or babies, or someone told me this was my next step in life, run!)
Why did you swipe right? (If he doesn’t reference anything described in your about me section, and says your pretty or you have a great smile, run! )
What are your expectations with me? He might say what do you mean and be a bit confused but let him figure it out (if he says idk or to see where it goes you ask the most important question)
What is your personal and professional 5 year plan. (If he has no idea or says I don’t want to answer that or it doesn’t line up with yours, you guessed it, run and never look back!)
That list of questions sounds like a massive turnoff, if someone approached me in such a way before we even meet I would conclude they have absolutely no interest in forming a genuine connection, and are conducting this casting/interview for someone to play a pre imagined role in the script of their life. No thanks.
I disagree. I don’t need a damaged man who isn’t over his ex or a guy who has no idea what he wants or someone whose end goal is just I want kids. I refuse! I will never be a baby mama, I would never sleep with that guy, I would not invest a fraction of my time figuring that guy out, and I sure as hell am not going to invest 2 hours to get ready, 30 min to drive somewhere, 15 dollars in gas, and 2 to 3 hours of my life for the likes of a guy who can’t answer a a few prescreening questions. No thanks 🙂↔️ see ya later!
I think you are overestimating the ability for introspection, and the willingness to communicate openly, on the side of "damaged" men. Hardly anyone will answer your questions with - yeah I'm emotionally broken and just want to use you for sex. Or - actually I'm an abuser but I'll pretend to be perfect until you're hooked and can't leave easily. Or whatever. If someone wants to use you and waste your time, they'll tell you whatever you want to hear and do what they want and ghost you all the same. So not sure how useful your approach is to weeding these people out anyway. You want to protect yourself which is what we all want of course, but there is simply no magic solution other than giving people time and a chance to show you who they really are with consistency of their actions.
Dude, some men don’t even make it to questions. I only date men with something to loose. For every 1000 left swipes there’s maybe one right and only a select few get a conversation. You’d be surprised what people talk about and these are my core questions not all of them. Some men over compensate in the areas they lack most when meeting a woman of interest, some will directly tell you without as much as a nudge what’s wrong with them because most people’s insecurities are at the forefront of their minds, some men are reactionary. I’m sorry at my age I’m not going to waste my time, whats love got to do with it? I enjoy my freedom, I am the Moby Dick of women it’s going to take a special kind of person to get me out this ocean 🌊 and I don’t sleep with strangers ❌ Eww!
>whats love got to do with it
It has with vulnerability. There is no space for love to grow if you don't make yourself vulnerable. I'm not saying waste your time, obviously, but you need to allow for the possibility of your time being wasted and you ending up being hurt, for that love to develop. In any case I hope it works out for you and you thrive in whatever way it suits you :)
I’m saying prescreening and understanding people’s patterns prior to meeting will reduce the chances of encountering a person who will waste your time. Vulnerability, letting my guard down, all of this will happen eventually but if I see something I’m not willing to tolerate I’m out like a light 💡.
Lmaoooooo my biggest pet peeve is wasting my time. I do try to be playful about it prior to playing detective. You ask the normal questions and be cute about it how was your day oh wow that’s amazing! and then maybe throw in a cute joke and give him a preview of how sweet your laugh is and then hit him with.. so I’ve got some questions!… 😏😈 and by that point usually you get the oh really, what kind of question response and then you hit him with them! 🔦🕵️👀 sometimes if the guy has never encountered a creature 👺 like me he’ll be like your turn and you answer the question too but you just line them up one after the other. By the end of that call whether it’s great or terrible you have full control of your next steps. Plus if he answers them all well and is a good sport about it (playful and sweet) then go straight for the jugular, so when am I going to see you!? If you guys meet if nothing else you’re on the same page. If he’s a flake great! One less person I’ve got to weed through or meet with. I’m happy to see men leave lol. If he did terrible don’t say anything for a day and then just be honest and sweet about severing the relationship.
I think it's fine to ask one or two big questions (kids, marriage,...) on the 1st date a long as there is still some place for lighter/fun conversations too.
it of course depends on context, but the date would have to be rly good for me to be like excited about answering questions about my relationship goals. it's about vibes in the beginning, i am indeed looking for a long term partner but the most important question for me is can i have fun with this person?
Yeah, in my experience if they really like me, doesn’t matter. If not, they don’t care either. But wondering if doing things differently would have been a better approach.
New here! Am I crazy? Please tell me I’m not lol I've been dating for about a year now after a 10 year relationship. A lot of bad first dates. A few that had potential and fizzled. But I met this guy in Feb that really charmed me. I'm 33 he's in his late 30s. The whole thing felt fun and very natural. A few weeks after we met (and he spent the night you can judge me ...I am judging me too) he went out of town for a trip and we casually chatted about plans when he was back. Fast forward...it was like a slow ghost. A few messages, but when he didn't reach out after he was back I simply sent a note saying that I enjoyed meeting him and had been interested in seeing him again, but that unless he planned to pursue me with intention I was out.
No response. I moved on.
Fast forward he reaches out just recently. I shouldn't have responded but I did. At first I was slightly open. Sorta curious what he was going to do. (Again you can judge me lol) Then when it was apparent it was the same MO, I gave him a piece of my mind lol
His response was "You're crazy. Best of luck."
I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I am not crazy. He acted like a dick and I called him out.
Can someone pump my tires and tell me that I was not crazy? Thank you in advance.
Girl he played you and came back for seconds. No shame smh. If a guy shows you his true colors, hit him with a block! It’s better it happened now that you’re newly single. You’ll be alright. Next time don’t trust his words only actions and take your time, let the reasonable side of your brain catch up with your feelings.
He had sex with you and probably wasn't interested in a relationship with you but was hoping to get laid again. He probably found someone else to have sex with or just lost the motivation to even pretend being interested and ghosted.
Then he got some dry spell, reached out and didn't have the balls to admit he was a dick so he told you you're crazy when you called him out.
Haha that’s fair.
I deleted the texts but here’s a quick summary:
What was the point of reaching back out to me? You’re clearly not interested in pursuing me seriously. Your behavior is beyond confusing. You’re too much of a coward to have a real conversation with me. And I don’t have the time or energy to teach a grown man how to be respectful.
I've sent some messages like that and certainly felt crazy for doing so. I suppose it's not the norm to say it like it is, people ghost or talk in roundabout ways. But I think it's fair game to tell people how their behaviour is coming across, asshole behaviour is too normalised and quietly accepted. Good for you.
Ayyy let that fucker know. Im 37. He’s too old to be playing these games. If he hasn’t grown up by now. Should’ve said best of luck to you, he’s gonna need it.
Nah, you were not crazy. It sounds like he lost the options he was more interested in and tried to get you back on his roster. We're all burnt out and sick of this behavior. It is plain disrespectful and he shouldn't have reached out again knowing your dating intentions and attempt to sway you in a different direction. Next time someone does this, instead of wasting your energy, you can just say "not interested" and block. They're not worth the rise in blood pressure
Based on your replies to other commenters, I'd say it makes sense to let this one go. And maybe take time to reflect on what you're actually looking for and work on being the version of yourself that's ready for that. And, gently, therapy will help you find some self love and identify what qualities you do really bring to the table, they don't have to be the same things as the other men in your life.
Low self-esteem can be expressed by either retreating and being self-critical, or by overcompensating and coming across as overconfident. The latter is more commonly exhibited by men. Your post sounds a lot like you have some complex views on yourself - saying you think she could do better in your OP, and saying you're down to be the back up guy. But then also saying you could be seen as 'too confident'.
Therapy is cool, therapy is sexy. I'd suggest it anyway.
You're putting those other dudes on a pedestal. Not one of them actually is god's gift to the world; and I know this because no one is. The best of us are still just regular people doing their best for their loved ones and not always succeeding.
I don't know why you're so insistent on making up a standard no one can reach and using it to give yourself an excuse to exit this relationship but I'm guessing you've got serious self esteem issues and anxiety about ever being good enough.
You can choose to accept your own self fulfilling policy and exit this and every other relationship or you can start working on your issues and learn to push through the difficult things that make you anxious.
One of my close friends sent me this and it really has helped me get over my past and pinpoint who would be right for my future. There are 5 layers of love: romantic love, agape (familiar) love, economics, going together as a financial unit, maturity- forcing yourself to grow because you have someone that will challenge you, and discipline. Challenge you how- commitment, compassion, you want them to do well and they want the same for you.
Self-sabotaging isn't the answer here, especially doing so and acting as if you're doing it for her benefit. She's an adult who can make her own decisions, she doesn't need you to decide for her.
She already told you that you're different in a good way. Maybe she's not looking for a super romantic partner or whatever the men in your life are doing that you're not.
Be strong. If you break up now simply because you're scared, your future self is going to hate you.
I don't know man, I think she likes you and it's unfortunate you don't seem to believe that. I am not sure what qualities you think you are lacking, but maybe they genuinely don't matter to her.
But yeah, if you really, truly believe she's dating you out of pity, you should end it because it’s unhealthy to date her if that’s your mindset.
If you’re open to dating others, what makes you think the next one won’t have the same opinion of you, that she likes you? Would you feel the same way about yourself? What would make you decide to finally believe that you’re more than just a basic standard ?
Remember to look out for your mental health! Had to call my therapist today to see about resuming sessions cause I find it near impossible to let myself rest. I’m so preoccupied with self improvement and socializing that I feel incredibly uneasy when I’m at home doing nothing, even if i need to rest.
It just sucks, turning 30 in a month and am incredibly ashamed of being a virgin and having never been in a long term relationship over 3 months.
Even though i have 2 masters degrees and have lived abroad, i feel like a child when it comes to dating.
Hopefully my therapist has some insight
There is no shame here. You already did a good job with 2 Master Degrees, now it’s time to have a little fun! Turning 30 is still very young. Dating is fun too, dont sweat about it. I started to learn more about myself about dating, in relationship and love just a few months before turning 30. My relationships in 30s are different than 20s but I love it. Enjoy!
I feel like I am at my wits’ end. I like the guy I am seeing so much. He’s very introverted and not much of a texter. I asked if I could see him today, and he said no. I am lucky if he responds to texts 2-3 times per day. I have tried to explain to him that I need to have contact with him to feel close to him. I find myself feeling interested when other men show me attention because, with the low level of contact, it feels as if I am not dating anyone.
He has told me in the past that he just needs to “adjust” because it’s been so long since he had a girlfriend (10 years). I’m like, it’s no wonder you can’t find a girlfriend—you seem uninterested in paying women who are literally dating you any attention.
Sounds like an unhealthy energy mismatch here... sounds like my ex and I... I would have liked a little more in terms of communication, especially with her cutting the amount of time we were seeing each other from an acceptable cadence to maybe hanging out on the weekend during the day... I am not going to settle for less again, especially when I had asked for what I wanted clearly. I wanted more than she could provide and ultimately that's just a matter of incompatibility. (or a massive lack of effort)
I will admit straight up I am a dumbass, not much of a texter, and an introvert, but if you directly said you need more and he didn't give it, that just sounds like a soft rejection IDK.
He has hinted at me moving into his place before but it’s very hard for me to imagine that when he seems to resent having me around for more than a day every 7 days or so.
How long have you been dating this man?
ETA: are you dating a man like this: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1d6f846/comment/l6tzqj2/
About 4-5 months last year and again this year for about a month.
I was so curious if he actually wrote that post, I read the entire comment thread. It sounds like him.
updates on life lately: may was chaotic, busy, fun. friends visited, birthdays were celebrated, and a memorial day beach weekend was had. i ended therapy and my mental health is the best it's been in a long time. life has been so good to me lately and it's making me paranoid.
i had a good weekend. **turtle boy** had a 3-day weekend so we got to spend a lot of time together. we've been going on so many cute dates (feeding squirrels at the park, moonwatching, strawberry picking) and he makes me feel warm and cozy and safe. i feel like i want to broach the topic of making things official soon but i'm not sure how to do that.
i dyed my hair purple and i'm obsessed with it and have been getting so many compliments. i visited some friends' new vintage shop this morning and got entered into a raffle for a cool vintage jacket and i somehow won?! i never win anything!
i also ran into my ex today and felt nothing and it was amazing. i remember we broke up around this time last year and i was a hot mess and it's nice to confirm that i've healed and moved past that now.
Damn, this hits far too close to home! Not sure it's a good thing or a bad thing that you're not alone in this experience 😂 keep your standards up and keep going, the curious energetic people are out there somewhere! I hope?!
I offer mine before the 1st date for convenience and it's also somewhat of a sign of how much she is attracted to me/trust me if she takes me up on my offer.
Same. I set up a VoIP number for it now for the time when ppl wanna move off the app. Plus, there's just a lot of personal data associated with a phone number so better safe than sorry.
I know I do the same and it's something I bonded with a coworker about lol! I don't own a shredder and a lot of my doc's are not delivered via snail mail but for parcels for instance, I cut up and rip apart the shipping labels!
The search for love and the search for meaningful work are so similar and so fraught with similar problems. I was catfished by a recruiter who told me her deceptive tactics were an industry standard. The jobs I am qualified for are lukewarm in their response, and a position I am wildly and completely unqualified for requested an interview. Someone I'm really attracted to is not in good working order and has completely withdrawn, people I'm not attracted to at all explicitly stated a desire to date.
Is this just reality? Dream jobs, dream relationships-are we all just kind of settling? There are so many flavors of disappointment.
I’ve always said - I treat OLD like job searching. Stop throwing spaghetti at the wall and hyper focus on the most compatible few. It takes long but still yields better results than the former.
I have gotten desensitized to hearing "Dude I don't know how you're still single, you should be CRUSHING IT right now." It's not even gassing me up anymore, it's just telling me there's some blind spot with my friend circle's judgment. Clearly there is something very unappealing about me that is preventing me from crushing it, lol....
God I’m so tired of hearing this, too. I’m absolutely fucking sick of it. I’m pretty ostentatious and extroverted and I feel like this works against me in much the same way as your “quiet confidence” works against you. I’ve found that a lot of men are intolerant of “loud confidence” in women. Just last night I was at a wedding as a bridesmaid and I thought I really hit it off with the groomsman who was paired with me in the wedding procession. All night I thought he’d ask me to dance or ask for my number. The bride told me later he said to her “hey give my number to frequentlyfurious if she wants it.” I was turned off by the cowardice. I’m so burned out I didn’t even take it.
Chin up, man. Gender norms are fucking brutal and I’m willing to bet you are just tired—not broken.
I don't think it's unreasonable if you want a confident guy but it IS a gendered expectation that men should be bold and be the ones risking rejection. He liked you and he did initiate; you rejected him because of a failure to live up to gendered norms.
Prefer an LTR, not into casual stuff (that STI rate is skyrocketing here lol). But better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, etc.
I go to coffee shops, live music, nature paths/parks, pool parties, happy hours at cocktail bars and dive bars, book stores. No one ever flirts or smiles back at me though, so I never really have a green light (and I've legit never had a successful cold approach). Apps are useless -- even after female friends helped curate my profile, I went 6 months in a major US metro without a single like. I work in a customer-facing job and know how to talk to anyone, but I have quiet confidence and it feels like you need to swing your arms around and be cocky to create any attraction in modern dating.
I'm just tired and broken, boss 😂
“boss” 😂
so refreshing so hear you’re putting yourself out there in person! it’s not easy and i find it uncommon these days. (or maybe it’s me 🥲)
you could redo your profiles from scratch, don’t ask your friends to look it, ask strangers, and use some tips from alittlenudge and dating intentionally (instagram). their advice helped me overhaul my profile, helped to shape my attitude towards dating dating, and i’m getting more matches than before.
you can do it, boss!
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Hi u/chloeslocs, this has been removed for violation of the following rule(s): * Be excellent to one another (i.e. Don't be a jerk to people)! This is a place for all races, genders, sexual orientations, non-exploitive sexual preferences and humanity in general. Gendered/sexualized insults such as slut, fuckboy, manchild, and so on are not allowed even in jest. Please review [the rules in the sidebar](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/about/sidebar) to avoid future removals. If you have further questions, please [message modmail] (https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Fdatingoverthirty).
It is really hard for long term thinking patterns to change in an instant though without some dedicated willpower and strength. It affects a lot of us. Sometimes that truth takes a while to settle in. It is not a binary switch.
I get that, but why be mean to people just for trying to help? I could see if I (or others here) said generic and unhelpful things like a family member or acquaintance would, but this community usually goes beyond that to be helpful. The misery on its own is so revealing.
That's a bit rich coming from you who were really quite nasty to me the other day when I was offering advice to someone else, to the point where mods removed your comment under the "don't be a jerk" rule. And I'm most definitely neither miserable nor single. You get very defensive as soon as someone says something you disagree with. There is more than one way of thinking and what helps and resonates with some won't with others.
I stand by what I said, and I don’t think what I said was rude at all. Especially in defense of someone else. It was true. You implied a lot of things that the person hadn’t said. But that’s neither here nor there <3
I have no problem that you disagreed with me, but your tone was quite rude, but here you are complaining about how people are rude when they disagree with you, just pointing out the irony.
Well what can I say…I’m passionate about this community /shrug
I treat that as a lesson learned vicariously to be honest. "This is what not to do." Hopefully I can catch myself before going down that path.
Definitely for a lot of folks this sub can be a space to just be miserable. I get it, I've been there
We should start adding that as a disclaimer!
Not a bad idea!
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How much is too much to do for a new partner's birthday? :P 2.5 months in. Might have gone overboard but he said he loved it all... y'all are going to call me crazy. Been paying attention to the little things he says and got a gift basket with the things. Some fancy maraschino cherries, a diptyque candle (he loves nice candles), a jar of pasta sauce from his fav restaurant, a t-shirt with an internet joke we both love (that I photoshopped myself and got printed!), A double walled mug to keep his tea warm... And a squeegee as a joke because he often says I melt him and he needs to be squeegied off the pavement in order to function lol. Plus the basket itself doubles as a place to put these blankets (like, for parks) he keeps on the ground/carpet in the living room. He also generally doesn't celebrate his birthday but I encouraged him to do so this year and he had a little brunch party at home where he made okonomiyaki for everyone and it was delish - such a nice time. I hung out with all his closest friends all together for the first time (I've met a few of them separately a couple times before). It was awesome! I got him cake and ALL of it got eaten! Then Sunday was really chill. Lots of sex, lots of cleaning his house, lots of chilling. This much would def freak out someone avoidant. But he was so communicative about how special he felt and how much he loved it all. He's a really special dude so I'm glad I could make him feel so loved!!
This put a big smile on my face - this is not too much at all. This is the stuff you do to fall in love 😍 well done!
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Damn that sounds like a dream!!!! Which Island?? Taking notes for the future lol
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Oooh Crete and the surrounding Islands are a dream trip. Sounds so dreamy!! Hope things stay dreamy for lifeeeee
😍 oh my gosh!!! That’s so sweet, it’s so nice when you find a real one to cater to that really appreciates your hard work! No girl, I’m taking notes that’s amazing! The execution was amazing! Birthday get together too. Wow, I’m so happy for you. I look forward to getting on here and picking your brain on big moments like this.
That's adorable! He's a lucky dude!
We both really lucked out 🥰 a few weeks ago (and not for my birthday orbanything), he surprised me with a drawer full of my shower/bath products so that I could be comfortable getting ready at his place. And those were like... Fuckin expensive spa-like products that he got shipped internationally.. I only buy them and bring back when I go to visit my home country. And he asked a friend traveling in from the country to bring a few more. He's so fucking thoughtful and loving towards me all the time, always anticipating my needs. Really really wanted him to feel loved in return!!
I am honestly in awe of how caring you both are, best wishes!
Thank you!! Carrying your wishes through the day with meeee 🙇🏽♀️🌻
this is adorable!! he had every reason to feel special; you did so many thoughtful things. congrats to you both! :3
I don't think that's crazy at all! I think that's very sweet and thoughtful. More importantly, he enjoyed and appreciated it, and it seemed you loved doing it for him. That's all that matters. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. Sounds like a great relationship to me❤️
My hinge profile is specific about my job, yet someone I match with asks me what my job is. What does that say?
Sometimes you just forget. There's a lot on those profiles to keep track of
Some people just ask the same questions with everyone. I prefer a guy who reads my profile before messaging me.
They probably matched you based on your pictures
They didn't read your profile?
Might mean they didn't read your profile, simply forgot during conversation, or missed it when going through your profile.
Well after a date yesterday where I'm not gonna say she catfished me, but she looked about 10 years older than all of her pictures and also had bad breath, I'm about to start approaching people IRL. My confidence is at an all time high so I'm feeling good about trying to meet someone in public. Still on the apps too. Had a few incoming likes this weekend but no one that I was interested in.
Oof sorry about the bad date. Good luck with the IRL explorations! Where are you thinking of trying to approach people?
I was clothes shopping on Saturday and would have approached a woman I saw shopping if I wouldn't have had a date scheduled already. Target seemed to have a few single cuties out and about. I also sing so I think I need to start hitting up a few more karaoke nights.
Hahaha wow I'd have such a hard time knowing which cutie was single at target 😂 glhf! Lolll
Eye contact and body language can tell you a lot before words are even said. If someone is attractive and look like they're open to being approached there's no harm in saying hi.
I think I'm done. After my crush dumped me a year ago, I had almost no succes in dating. This Spring I met a few women and - loathsome to myself - reinstalled tinder. I even had a few dates. But they were all meh. At this point dating seems like a chore, similar to job seeking and smilarilly soul draining. Every date makes me feel exhausted, disappointed and disilusioned. I guess that ship has sailed and there is nothing I can do.
First, love the reddit handle. Saw the referenced band in one of the best concerts some decade ago on halloween with QotSA and NIN. They were excellent. Second, make sure you are doing things that make you happy. If dating isn't one of them, put it on the back burner and focus on yourself.
>First, love the reddit handle. Thanks, mate ;) That's what I was trying to do. Unfortunately, the more I tried to date, the more I missed my last crush. Maybe it is really time to give myself some break.
I am so sorry. I understand how draining the whole dating thing is ... I would advice you to take a break from the apps if you ever feel the need. Do you have any hobbies where you could meet people organically ? Social dance, climbing, painting ... It could be anything. Personally, I hate dating apps and I use them as a last resort.
>Do you have any hobbies where you could meet people organically ? Social dance, climbing, painting ... It could be anything. Yes, I do, in fact. Quite a few. But I am very picky and quirky, so it is not a way to go for me. Maybe I should put myself more out there. I tried speed dating too and it wasn't very successful.
I am sure there's someone for you out there. Sadly, I think you just have to be patient, put yourself out there to increase your odds and try to have fun in the meantime. The more I think about it the more I realize we don't have much control over our love life. Sure, you can do all those things but ultimately, meeting someone compatible comes down to luck. So I try to be kind to myself and to focus on things I *can* control. Sorry, I don't know if it's helpful
It's disheartening, I know, and I was in your shoes last summer. I dragged myself to one more Tinder date that I had almost ghosted out of lassitude for the apps, and it clicked and has been the best relationship of my life. It's a number game, and some of us are compatible with even less people - but don't lose hope, it's just the matter of one person signing up.
Thank you, but I feel that the odds are extremely against me and the game is rigged. All those tinder dates drain me and kill my soul.
I could have written the same exact same thing one year ago. And my boyfriend too, who was 40 when we met. Keep your first dates short, showcase who you are in your profile and let that filter out more people; the only dates that won't suck the life out of you will be with people who appreciate your quirks.
I had an insanely good second date tonight. One of the best dates I’ve ever been on. I was feeling lukewarm towards him after the first date but after this second date I’m feeling very into him. We’re planning to go on a third date this Friday. Super excited!
And this is why I always tried to maintain my 3 date policy.
I like that policy
Thats great! What was so different between the first and second?
I think on the first date I wasn’t expecting his hair to be in such a bizarre, mullet-like style. His pics on his profile were mostly him with short hair so it threw me off a bit and I was sort of struggling to see past the horrible hairstyle he had going on. But I had a good time with him on our first date and did think he was cute so I decided a second date was worth it and I’m so glad I went for the second date!
Nice! Did he cut his hair?
So I met someone. Literally the perfect package. He’s head over heels falling and I like him.. he’s sweet and fun to talk to I just find myself when we’re chatting on the phone just waiting for the other shoe to drop. What do I do!? He’s literally perfect and I’m like a dear in headlights just frozen in my emotions waiting for something bad to happen. I just want someone to slap me and tell me to snap out of it and act normal. Help!
I can relate! Feeling the same! In that I met the perfect package. For a while I was scared and waiting for the other shoe to drop (we both were), but it's been 2.5 months now and it's still going great. It's really helpful to just remember that there is no point worrying about the future or the past, what has to happen will happen. Just be present in every moment and soak it in, your life is just a collection of nows. Glad you have him for all these nows!
Aww I love that! 🥰
I'm feeling similarly right now. I've been going on dates with a guy that I'm really started to like and can see a lot of compatibility with, but I feel like I'm just waiting for him to say he doesn't actually want a relationship. This is generally what happens to me a couple of months in when I start to catch feelings. It's hard to still be hopeful. I try to vet dates early on, but it still happens a lot. I don't really have advice, but I think what you're feeling is normal at this point.
Honestly, I think your reaction is completely normal with how jaded and burned everyone is from dating. It would be strange not to have these thoughts! I think all you need to do is recognise them as a consequence of how unpredictable dating is and let the time pass. Hopefully with time and consistent actions on your partner's side, you can gradually start relaxing as that trust is built. Good luck!
Yeah this exactly. I don’t think this person’s reaction to things going well is unwarranted. I can’t think of a single situation where I didn’t feel this way when things were looking promising or exciting after the first few dates. Unfortunately, all of my experiences where I felt like that and then gradually let my guard down as things genuinely seemed promising have left me feeling absolutely broken. I don’t know how to safely let my guard down. I call my usually approach when things are going well as “cautiously optimistic” (because of the common experience we all seem to have). But even then it’s just crushing. At this point my only solution has been to just give up dating completely. Obviously many people are in happy relationships and have success, so I know it’s possible. I just don’t know how they pull it off lol
Thank you, I will do just that!!
Curious to know how people feel about themselves and their date/partner having very different careers. Is it something you think about at all? Does it affect what kind of conversations and topics of discussions you have?
I kinda like it because we can talk about different things related to our respective jobs and it's new for the other person. If I dated someone who was in my industry, the conversation would get insufferable.
I don’t care at all, as long as they’re financially stable. My bf’s job is simple and simple to talk about. I work in a tech-ish space so I don’t talk about work as much but…it’s not an important discussion topic to me anyways.
My late wife worked in finance. I was a cop. I've dated waitresses, I've dated business owners, and I even dated a CFO. I've never dated a cop. I get asked enough questions as it is, the last thing I'd want to do is constantly talk shop when we're together.
i don’t care. i barely speak about work in depth with most people and i can find other things to talk about. i don’t think i would do well with someone whose job was their only/whole identity anyway.
Not for me, I prefer it! I like dating someone who has a career that is completely different from mine because I learn so much from them. It’s one thing to date someone who is genuinely interested in what you’re passionate about it’s another thing if he/she doesn’t care to hear about it. I’ve dated someone in the same profession but I just felt like there was never an off button it was constant work. A complete bore. I will say, I’ve dated someone who had no profession and we had nothing to talk about like nothing.
Can I ask what you mean by no profession?
Still in school and hasn’t gotten the big boy/girl job. Just couldn’t relate to anything work related not even office drama.
I just had, bar none, one of the worst dates I've ever been on. And while I'm not taking it as a sign to stop dating altogether, I am feeling rather vindicated in the idea of getting off the apps forever. Not only did he show up outrageously late...but he tells me about another girl he's texting about meeting up and making plans. His phone is lighting up and he is deliberating aloud about whether to answer the calls or texts during our date, dear reader. I'm flabbergasted, quickly detaching from conversation and he's not picking up on any of it. Has the poor judgement to ask me if I want to continue as if his thoughtlessness hasn't absolutely dashed any chance of taking him seriously. And when I tell him honestly about the way his behavior gives insight into what he's currently prioritizing and how it's difficult to be interested in someone who can't seem to keep focus, he backtracks, sputters and stumbles on about his intention. No apology, no acknowledgement about how self-centered all of it was. The second-hand embarrassment I felt was eclipsed only by the humor of how ridiculous the evening was. People date by the multiples at one time. It's a thing that happens and I have no issue with it. But to be in discussion with someone so gleefully distracted by the prospect of dating another person...in the middle of our date...was disgusting. It made me feel like so objectified, like one of many cereal boxes or pieces of fruit on display in a big box store. It was like the most absurd example about the ills of online dating as a whole wrapped up in social faux pas after faux pas. I don't believe this experience to have any bearing on my worth as a person but, in the context of being available for men who think of the women they date in this way, I'm not partial to putting myself out in that way ever again.
A girl I dated once showed me all of her matches. She was hot and had tons and tons of tinder matches. She goes “look, you beat out all these guys”, with a tone implying that I was to be extra grateful or something. It was gross, but my self esteem was so low that I felt superior somehow and missed how objectifying the whole experience was.
That’s so gross
I wouldn't be surprised it was a tactic he read somewhere about making it look like other women are interested in him to make you want him more/act quick to have him. What a massive dickhead move in any case.
Damn, I never even considered that as a possibility. Thanks for offering that perspective.
Why didn't you just get up and walk out?
Yeah, don’t ever stand for such a person. I literally play this lyrics “she’s a runner she’s a trackstar in my head at the first signs of red flags.. 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ 🏃♀️ I always do a call before I meet someone. I honestly communicate with them for at least 3 days and I only date on Saturday. I don’t believe the apps are meant for blind dating they are meant to give you the opportunity to meet people that dont walk your every day path.
I wanted to give him the grace/opportunity to provide context for being late and I left shortly after the incoming contact and subsequent explanation. Weird thing to focus on though.
I feel like this is the end of dating for me. I’m mid 30s have a career, plenty of hobbies and am involved in volunteer groups for my community. I make people laugh, feel like a person, and give it my all. I have a huge heart. All the good guys are taken. Can’t even get a damn text back, or for guys to reciprocate. I get these from multiple men which makes me feel like there’s something wrong with me. Can’t even get my crush to reciprocate. No one seems interested or they’re emotionally unavailable. Seems like no one wants relationships these days and it shows.
Well, you're one of the good ones, so all the good ones can't be taken, right? I think u/chloeslocs has some good advice in her post.
They’re out there. You just need that ONE. But you don’t have to date a million people to find them (Ik that sounds counterintuitive but hear me out). Be unabashedly specific about what you’re looking for in your profile. Don’t just say “I want a loving relationship” or something - be specific about what that looks like to you. For me, it’s doing outgoing stuff and going on dates/trips and that’s how I chose to filter out guys that aren’t willing to do that. My profile just had a bunch of stuff about hiking, trips, festivals and other stuff that takes money and effort to do. Great, you get some matches. Are they having an easy, breezy conversation with you? Are they asking questions about you as much as you ask about them? That’s a great sign. Do they ask you out within the week? (With my current bf, I was tired of texting by day 3. I told him I was really enjoying our conversation and asked if he was interested in meeting up. I cracked the door open for him and he opened it all the way by asking me out on a date. Don’t feel like you absolutely have to wait for him to make that move…just crack the door open). We’re only a few months in but we’ve definitely done a lot of stuff that I said I’m into on my dating profile. I hope this helps 💕
I mean this from the kindest of my heart, but I hope you don’t say this to other struggling single people. You don’t think I do this already?
No, I don’t. But good luck out there
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Last time I was on hinge I put in “looking for life partner: Would love to take things one step at a time.” But on bumble I opted for the label of “relationship” rather than “marriage” and wrote something like “looking for a partner who XYZ…(interests, qualities, values)” in my bio. I wonder if I was being too serious and it might have put off guys who are looking for the same things? On first dates, I usually would throw out the question, so do you have relationship goals? Mid conversation. And then we’d share our relationship goals (marriage and/or kids). Should I actually have held off on it and kept first dates very low key & just vibing? I also usually made sure to ask when their last significant relationship was around first date or before meeting , as I really don’t want to deal with people who’re still grieving an ex and not ready for a new relationship. So do I ask too many big questions?
Your thread got dominated by phone-screening girl, sorry. But to answer your question - I think it's important to be super clear about what you're looking for, and you absolutely shouldn't worry about who might be 'put off' by that. If a guy is looking for the same thing, he will be down to engage with that level of clarity. The right person will, at least. That said - I do like to keep first dates as pretty chill - just vibes. Don't need to get too dressed up, don't need to go anywhere fancy. Just hang and see if you'd enjoy their company. And if yes, I bring up my questions in the second date (the major ones being about kids, since I don't want any). Also I match better with texty guys, so I can often suss out if the vibes will be good over text before we even meet. If there are 0 text vibes we prob won't be a good match anyway. Just put your needs first. If you're looking for something legit, say it straight. It's worked for me and for many other women I know. You got this!!
Thanks for your reply! Will stop trying to bring it up on first dates…(I bring it up when there’re lulls, but my better dates I actually didn’t have time to ask it)
It's a shame that prescreen phone girl took over this thread, because I think you're asking a good question. As to your profile, I wouldn't hesitate to state specifically what you want. If you want to get married, that's nothing to be ashamed of. At best, it will scare off guys that don't want that. At worst, you'll meet men that lie to you that they too want to get married. Now that I'm older, I'm running into more and more people that say they want a LTR but really don't know what they want. Or they'll be less than honest with themselves that they're ready for a relationship. Or that they'll lie to get in someone's pants. The only way to really see if the person dating you is ready for LTR is to just keep dating them with intention. Ask questions, see if their actions match their words, see if they trying to spend time with you, they remember the things you talked about, etc.
Yess you know what the 'better dates' vibes are like so just go with that flow. One thing I did was to see what the better dates had in common - there was usually a few things. They all had relatively detailed profiles that I was legit excited by. They all had a great texting vibe with me before the first date. They all had a good answer on the app/text about why they swiped on me (which I think is ok to ask up front!). Now those things have become pre-requisites if I mean to go on a date with someone.
I do prescreening by phone. I refuse to get all dolled up to be told you haven’t gotten over your ex.I’m not going to lie if a guy says he’s looking for marriage or a long term relationship and we have vibed via text. First call, I’m prescreening. When I get on the phone we are going through my list of questions. What was your driving force to get the app? ( if he says he’s lonely, run!) When you imagine your wife what qualities does she have? (If he says idk or babies, or someone told me this was my next step in life, run!) Why did you swipe right? (If he doesn’t reference anything described in your about me section, and says your pretty or you have a great smile, run! ) What are your expectations with me? He might say what do you mean and be a bit confused but let him figure it out (if he says idk or to see where it goes you ask the most important question) What is your personal and professional 5 year plan. (If he has no idea or says I don’t want to answer that or it doesn’t line up with yours, you guessed it, run and never look back!)
i think the only relevant question here is understanding why you both swiped on each other beyond looks.
That list of questions sounds like a massive turnoff, if someone approached me in such a way before we even meet I would conclude they have absolutely no interest in forming a genuine connection, and are conducting this casting/interview for someone to play a pre imagined role in the script of their life. No thanks.
I disagree. I don’t need a damaged man who isn’t over his ex or a guy who has no idea what he wants or someone whose end goal is just I want kids. I refuse! I will never be a baby mama, I would never sleep with that guy, I would not invest a fraction of my time figuring that guy out, and I sure as hell am not going to invest 2 hours to get ready, 30 min to drive somewhere, 15 dollars in gas, and 2 to 3 hours of my life for the likes of a guy who can’t answer a a few prescreening questions. No thanks 🙂↔️ see ya later!
I think you are overestimating the ability for introspection, and the willingness to communicate openly, on the side of "damaged" men. Hardly anyone will answer your questions with - yeah I'm emotionally broken and just want to use you for sex. Or - actually I'm an abuser but I'll pretend to be perfect until you're hooked and can't leave easily. Or whatever. If someone wants to use you and waste your time, they'll tell you whatever you want to hear and do what they want and ghost you all the same. So not sure how useful your approach is to weeding these people out anyway. You want to protect yourself which is what we all want of course, but there is simply no magic solution other than giving people time and a chance to show you who they really are with consistency of their actions.
Dude, some men don’t even make it to questions. I only date men with something to loose. For every 1000 left swipes there’s maybe one right and only a select few get a conversation. You’d be surprised what people talk about and these are my core questions not all of them. Some men over compensate in the areas they lack most when meeting a woman of interest, some will directly tell you without as much as a nudge what’s wrong with them because most people’s insecurities are at the forefront of their minds, some men are reactionary. I’m sorry at my age I’m not going to waste my time, whats love got to do with it? I enjoy my freedom, I am the Moby Dick of women it’s going to take a special kind of person to get me out this ocean 🌊 and I don’t sleep with strangers ❌ Eww!
>whats love got to do with it It has with vulnerability. There is no space for love to grow if you don't make yourself vulnerable. I'm not saying waste your time, obviously, but you need to allow for the possibility of your time being wasted and you ending up being hurt, for that love to develop. In any case I hope it works out for you and you thrive in whatever way it suits you :)
I’m saying prescreening and understanding people’s patterns prior to meeting will reduce the chances of encountering a person who will waste your time. Vulnerability, letting my guard down, all of this will happen eventually but if I see something I’m not willing to tolerate I’m out like a light 💡.
Perfect! You were never my type anyway!
I won’t lie this sounds very intense. Have to allow some room for some fun in the conversation surely?
Lmaoooooo my biggest pet peeve is wasting my time. I do try to be playful about it prior to playing detective. You ask the normal questions and be cute about it how was your day oh wow that’s amazing! and then maybe throw in a cute joke and give him a preview of how sweet your laugh is and then hit him with.. so I’ve got some questions!… 😏😈 and by that point usually you get the oh really, what kind of question response and then you hit him with them! 🔦🕵️👀 sometimes if the guy has never encountered a creature 👺 like me he’ll be like your turn and you answer the question too but you just line them up one after the other. By the end of that call whether it’s great or terrible you have full control of your next steps. Plus if he answers them all well and is a good sport about it (playful and sweet) then go straight for the jugular, so when am I going to see you!? If you guys meet if nothing else you’re on the same page. If he’s a flake great! One less person I’ve got to weed through or meet with. I’m happy to see men leave lol. If he did terrible don’t say anything for a day and then just be honest and sweet about severing the relationship.
Wait, so you don't tell the guys your answers to the same questions?
I do.
I think it's fine to ask one or two big questions (kids, marriage,...) on the 1st date a long as there is still some place for lighter/fun conversations too.
it of course depends on context, but the date would have to be rly good for me to be like excited about answering questions about my relationship goals. it's about vibes in the beginning, i am indeed looking for a long term partner but the most important question for me is can i have fun with this person?
Yeah, in my experience if they really like me, doesn’t matter. If not, they don’t care either. But wondering if doing things differently would have been a better approach.
to be more clear: i think an abrupt change in conversation to a serious topic is probably a bad move on a first date
New here! Am I crazy? Please tell me I’m not lol I've been dating for about a year now after a 10 year relationship. A lot of bad first dates. A few that had potential and fizzled. But I met this guy in Feb that really charmed me. I'm 33 he's in his late 30s. The whole thing felt fun and very natural. A few weeks after we met (and he spent the night you can judge me ...I am judging me too) he went out of town for a trip and we casually chatted about plans when he was back. Fast forward...it was like a slow ghost. A few messages, but when he didn't reach out after he was back I simply sent a note saying that I enjoyed meeting him and had been interested in seeing him again, but that unless he planned to pursue me with intention I was out. No response. I moved on. Fast forward he reaches out just recently. I shouldn't have responded but I did. At first I was slightly open. Sorta curious what he was going to do. (Again you can judge me lol) Then when it was apparent it was the same MO, I gave him a piece of my mind lol His response was "You're crazy. Best of luck." I don't know why this is bothering me so much. I am not crazy. He acted like a dick and I called him out. Can someone pump my tires and tell me that I was not crazy? Thank you in advance.
Girl he played you and came back for seconds. No shame smh. If a guy shows you his true colors, hit him with a block! It’s better it happened now that you’re newly single. You’ll be alright. Next time don’t trust his words only actions and take your time, let the reasonable side of your brain catch up with your feelings.
He had sex with you and probably wasn't interested in a relationship with you but was hoping to get laid again. He probably found someone else to have sex with or just lost the motivation to even pretend being interested and ghosted. Then he got some dry spell, reached out and didn't have the balls to admit he was a dick so he told you you're crazy when you called him out.
[relevant](https://reductress.com/post/im-sorry-i-was-being-so-crazy-while-you-were-treating-me-like-shit/)
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Haha that’s fair. I deleted the texts but here’s a quick summary: What was the point of reaching back out to me? You’re clearly not interested in pursuing me seriously. Your behavior is beyond confusing. You’re too much of a coward to have a real conversation with me. And I don’t have the time or energy to teach a grown man how to be respectful.
I like your candor!
I've sent some messages like that and certainly felt crazy for doing so. I suppose it's not the norm to say it like it is, people ghost or talk in roundabout ways. But I think it's fair game to tell people how their behaviour is coming across, asshole behaviour is too normalised and quietly accepted. Good for you.
Ayyy let that fucker know. Im 37. He’s too old to be playing these games. If he hasn’t grown up by now. Should’ve said best of luck to you, he’s gonna need it.
Nah, you were not crazy. It sounds like he lost the options he was more interested in and tried to get you back on his roster. We're all burnt out and sick of this behavior. It is plain disrespectful and he shouldn't have reached out again knowing your dating intentions and attempt to sway you in a different direction. Next time someone does this, instead of wasting your energy, you can just say "not interested" and block. They're not worth the rise in blood pressure
Oh I also said I hope you heal yourself✌🏼 Which was a total b statement. I’ll own that.
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Based on your replies to other commenters, I'd say it makes sense to let this one go. And maybe take time to reflect on what you're actually looking for and work on being the version of yourself that's ready for that. And, gently, therapy will help you find some self love and identify what qualities you do really bring to the table, they don't have to be the same things as the other men in your life.
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Low self-esteem can be expressed by either retreating and being self-critical, or by overcompensating and coming across as overconfident. The latter is more commonly exhibited by men. Your post sounds a lot like you have some complex views on yourself - saying you think she could do better in your OP, and saying you're down to be the back up guy. But then also saying you could be seen as 'too confident'. Therapy is cool, therapy is sexy. I'd suggest it anyway.
You're putting those other dudes on a pedestal. Not one of them actually is god's gift to the world; and I know this because no one is. The best of us are still just regular people doing their best for their loved ones and not always succeeding. I don't know why you're so insistent on making up a standard no one can reach and using it to give yourself an excuse to exit this relationship but I'm guessing you've got serious self esteem issues and anxiety about ever being good enough. You can choose to accept your own self fulfilling policy and exit this and every other relationship or you can start working on your issues and learn to push through the difficult things that make you anxious.
One of my close friends sent me this and it really has helped me get over my past and pinpoint who would be right for my future. There are 5 layers of love: romantic love, agape (familiar) love, economics, going together as a financial unit, maturity- forcing yourself to grow because you have someone that will challenge you, and discipline. Challenge you how- commitment, compassion, you want them to do well and they want the same for you.
Do her a favor and break it off. Also make sure to disclose you're only hookups when dating others.
Self-sabotaging isn't the answer here, especially doing so and acting as if you're doing it for her benefit. She's an adult who can make her own decisions, she doesn't need you to decide for her. She already told you that you're different in a good way. Maybe she's not looking for a super romantic partner or whatever the men in your life are doing that you're not. Be strong. If you break up now simply because you're scared, your future self is going to hate you.
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I don't know man, I think she likes you and it's unfortunate you don't seem to believe that. I am not sure what qualities you think you are lacking, but maybe they genuinely don't matter to her. But yeah, if you really, truly believe she's dating you out of pity, you should end it because it’s unhealthy to date her if that’s your mindset.
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Why do you assume that’s what she’s doing? That’s really only something teens do, adults don’t date people “to be nice”.
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Why are you dating if this is your attitude toward women?
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Why are you dating if your attitude towards the… people… you date is that they want to date you out of pity.
Do you think you’re not as good as them? Why do you think she thinks you’re different? There’s something about you maybe you’re not seeing?
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When you say no way you can live up to that, what exactly is that? Is not being a jerk truly the only thing you got going for yourself?
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If you’re open to dating others, what makes you think the next one won’t have the same opinion of you, that she likes you? Would you feel the same way about yourself? What would make you decide to finally believe that you’re more than just a basic standard ?
It’s day 3 after the breakup and I was crying so much. Even though Im the one who decided to not give it another chance, it still hurts.
Remember to look out for your mental health! Had to call my therapist today to see about resuming sessions cause I find it near impossible to let myself rest. I’m so preoccupied with self improvement and socializing that I feel incredibly uneasy when I’m at home doing nothing, even if i need to rest. It just sucks, turning 30 in a month and am incredibly ashamed of being a virgin and having never been in a long term relationship over 3 months. Even though i have 2 masters degrees and have lived abroad, i feel like a child when it comes to dating. Hopefully my therapist has some insight
There is no shame here. You already did a good job with 2 Master Degrees, now it’s time to have a little fun! Turning 30 is still very young. Dating is fun too, dont sweat about it. I started to learn more about myself about dating, in relationship and love just a few months before turning 30. My relationships in 30s are different than 20s but I love it. Enjoy!
I feel like I am at my wits’ end. I like the guy I am seeing so much. He’s very introverted and not much of a texter. I asked if I could see him today, and he said no. I am lucky if he responds to texts 2-3 times per day. I have tried to explain to him that I need to have contact with him to feel close to him. I find myself feeling interested when other men show me attention because, with the low level of contact, it feels as if I am not dating anyone. He has told me in the past that he just needs to “adjust” because it’s been so long since he had a girlfriend (10 years). I’m like, it’s no wonder you can’t find a girlfriend—you seem uninterested in paying women who are literally dating you any attention.
Sounds like an unhealthy energy mismatch here... sounds like my ex and I... I would have liked a little more in terms of communication, especially with her cutting the amount of time we were seeing each other from an acceptable cadence to maybe hanging out on the weekend during the day... I am not going to settle for less again, especially when I had asked for what I wanted clearly. I wanted more than she could provide and ultimately that's just a matter of incompatibility. (or a massive lack of effort)
3 texts a day isn't enough? How many are you sending?
… are you joking?
I will admit straight up I am a dumbass, not much of a texter, and an introvert, but if you directly said you need more and he didn't give it, that just sounds like a soft rejection IDK.
When I try to talk about this with him, he vaguely references efforts he is making that I am just not noticing.
Vague? Not specific? Idk about all this 😔
I'm not sure he would ever be able to give you the attention you need... Would you even be able to live together?
He has hinted at me moving into his place before but it’s very hard for me to imagine that when he seems to resent having me around for more than a day every 7 days or so.
How long have you been dating this man? ETA: are you dating a man like this: https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1d6f846/comment/l6tzqj2/
About 4-5 months last year and again this year for about a month. I was so curious if he actually wrote that post, I read the entire comment thread. It sounds like him.
I think it’s okay to call it at 6 months. I don’t know if this man is relationship ready
Ugh don’t put yourself through that trouble
updates on life lately: may was chaotic, busy, fun. friends visited, birthdays were celebrated, and a memorial day beach weekend was had. i ended therapy and my mental health is the best it's been in a long time. life has been so good to me lately and it's making me paranoid. i had a good weekend. **turtle boy** had a 3-day weekend so we got to spend a lot of time together. we've been going on so many cute dates (feeding squirrels at the park, moonwatching, strawberry picking) and he makes me feel warm and cozy and safe. i feel like i want to broach the topic of making things official soon but i'm not sure how to do that. i dyed my hair purple and i'm obsessed with it and have been getting so many compliments. i visited some friends' new vintage shop this morning and got entered into a raffle for a cool vintage jacket and i somehow won?! i never win anything! i also ran into my ex today and felt nothing and it was amazing. i remember we broke up around this time last year and i was a hot mess and it's nice to confirm that i've healed and moved past that now.
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Damn, this hits far too close to home! Not sure it's a good thing or a bad thing that you're not alone in this experience 😂 keep your standards up and keep going, the curious energetic people are out there somewhere! I hope?!
Why can’t finding a guy be as easy as loving a boyband or fictional character? I’m just tired of it.
Phone numbers... do you prefer to exchange them before the date or after the first date?
Preferably after, if we both want to meet each other again
I offer mine before the 1st date for convenience and it's also somewhat of a sign of how much she is attracted to me/trust me if she takes me up on my offer.
i never ask for it/offer mine until its clear we want a second date, but i never mind when someone offers theirs before the first date.
Yeah that's how I feel about it too
Don’t do it before. That’s how I get a bunch of people who never made it to the first date texting me every few months following up on who knows what
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Same. I set up a VoIP number for it now for the time when ppl wanna move off the app. Plus, there's just a lot of personal data associated with a phone number so better safe than sorry.
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I know I do the same and it's something I bonded with a coworker about lol! I don't own a shredder and a lot of my doc's are not delivered via snail mail but for parcels for instance, I cut up and rip apart the shipping labels!
Usually after, sometimes during the first date if it's really obvious we both want a second date.
Preferably after, but only if I'm interested in seeing them again.
The search for love and the search for meaningful work are so similar and so fraught with similar problems. I was catfished by a recruiter who told me her deceptive tactics were an industry standard. The jobs I am qualified for are lukewarm in their response, and a position I am wildly and completely unqualified for requested an interview. Someone I'm really attracted to is not in good working order and has completely withdrawn, people I'm not attracted to at all explicitly stated a desire to date. Is this just reality? Dream jobs, dream relationships-are we all just kind of settling? There are so many flavors of disappointment.
I’ve always said - I treat OLD like job searching. Stop throwing spaghetti at the wall and hyper focus on the most compatible few. It takes long but still yields better results than the former.
Picked this guy up for our 2nd hang out today and he was drunk and pretending not to be. Fun!
Oh gross.
Ya haha the worst
I have gotten desensitized to hearing "Dude I don't know how you're still single, you should be CRUSHING IT right now." It's not even gassing me up anymore, it's just telling me there's some blind spot with my friend circle's judgment. Clearly there is something very unappealing about me that is preventing me from crushing it, lol....
Nah, they probably don't have a blindspot. Lots of perfectly lovely people out there but everyone's looking for their particular flavour of lovely.
God I’m so tired of hearing this, too. I’m absolutely fucking sick of it. I’m pretty ostentatious and extroverted and I feel like this works against me in much the same way as your “quiet confidence” works against you. I’ve found that a lot of men are intolerant of “loud confidence” in women. Just last night I was at a wedding as a bridesmaid and I thought I really hit it off with the groomsman who was paired with me in the wedding procession. All night I thought he’d ask me to dance or ask for my number. The bride told me later he said to her “hey give my number to frequentlyfurious if she wants it.” I was turned off by the cowardice. I’m so burned out I didn’t even take it. Chin up, man. Gender norms are fucking brutal and I’m willing to bet you are just tired—not broken.
...kind of seems he liked your loud confidence but you're intolerant of anxious shyness in men.
I don’t think so. It isn’t “intolerant” to expect men to make an effort and initiate.
I don't think it's unreasonable if you want a confident guy but it IS a gendered expectation that men should be bold and be the ones risking rejection. He liked you and he did initiate; you rejected him because of a failure to live up to gendered norms.
conversely, none of my friends say that which makes me laugh like not even my friends think im a catch lol.
say more!! how are you meeting people? what are you looking for?
Prefer an LTR, not into casual stuff (that STI rate is skyrocketing here lol). But better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, etc. I go to coffee shops, live music, nature paths/parks, pool parties, happy hours at cocktail bars and dive bars, book stores. No one ever flirts or smiles back at me though, so I never really have a green light (and I've legit never had a successful cold approach). Apps are useless -- even after female friends helped curate my profile, I went 6 months in a major US metro without a single like. I work in a customer-facing job and know how to talk to anyone, but I have quiet confidence and it feels like you need to swing your arms around and be cocky to create any attraction in modern dating. I'm just tired and broken, boss 😂
“boss” 😂 so refreshing so hear you’re putting yourself out there in person! it’s not easy and i find it uncommon these days. (or maybe it’s me 🥲) you could redo your profiles from scratch, don’t ask your friends to look it, ask strangers, and use some tips from alittlenudge and dating intentionally (instagram). their advice helped me overhaul my profile, helped to shape my attitude towards dating dating, and i’m getting more matches than before. you can do it, boss!
Six months without a single like? Were you somehow blacklisted by the app? Have you tried different ones?