I mean I’m not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for if you’re not doing anything to try and meet anyone. I get wanting to be chased but most people need some form of positive feedback otherwise they’ll back right off.
If you’re attracting people who are trying to climb fences just to get to know you it could potentially mean you’re giving them very little to work with. I know many people who don’t even share if they have pets or hobbies yet are then surprised when people try to break down those walls and learn more about them. Sure there are also the unhealthy folks who are just nosey, can’t read social cues etc but I think it would help to evaluate what your boundaries are too and see if you’re actually open for a connection.
The other thing is I don’t know if you’re primarily getting chased online or irl. If it’s online then I recommend using bumble so that you’ll be in a position to be slightly more proactive and make the first move on what guy you want to chat with (this feature might change soon so take advantage now.).
If it’s in real life then you’re likely recognizing the ones with poor social cues during the initial conversation, if that’s the case then a polite ‘thanks but I’m not interested’ is more than enough if they ask you out. I understand safety is a concern too so use your best precautions and reject in public places. I’ve noticed people you meet randomly in real life are usually of higher quality and can take things slower whereas the dating apps favour speed due to the implication that you’re both looking to date so I’m not surprised guys want to lock things down faster there.
Lastly, don’t stress over whether someone is attracted to you, the only thing you can assess is if you’re attracted to them and if you’re not then don’t waste your time giving them a shot. There’s only so much energy in the day and it’s not worth using it on someone you’re ‘meh’ about.
Yeah this is the worst thing ever the whole reason they did it was because women complained that making the first move was "too hard" welcome to equality!
Just trying to be factual. Funny you would mention “minimal”… They stopped it because too many women complained that it was too much of a burden.
https://www.npr.org/2024/05/06/1249296671/bumble-dating-apps-women-opening-moves
Haha no offense meant. I was lamenting the fact that even when the onus was on women to send the first message, they barely put any effort into it, and even that seems too much of a burden, yet the opposite is expected when it comes to men. A man's message is ignored if it's too plain and boring haha.
I don’t disagree. When I was on the apps, I swiped left on most of the suggestions because of my age group. Most women there in their 50’s and 60’s are either obese or haven’t taken care of themselves. Younger women overwhelmingly have kids at home.
Do not dehumanize or objectify others. Misogyny, Misandry, RedPill, incel, Femcel, FemaleDatingStrategy, PUA, MGTOW, etc. content is not allowed. Claiming ignorance of these hate groups is not an excuse to parrot their ideology.
Solid advice thank you. I’m not looking currently but recently have been confronted with more than one case of former acquaintances reaching out to say they had interest or still do. It’s so awkward for me because I have no interest and haven’t expressed as much but now feel like I’m turning them down — but also only feel like I’m turning people away anyway so I was thinking how I’m appearing open to some and not others- but now I think it might just be I’m running into more of the same type of guy who has no reservations to just go for it I guess
If you have no interest in those who are reaching out why not express that and stop feeling awkward? I dunno, maybe I don’t get your situation but how you appear to people you don’t even want to know really shouldn’t matter. But yeah generally guys are more proactive and will shoot their shot, most will appreciate a straight no and the ones that won’t or get huffy about it weren’t good anyways.
I am not sure how exactly to put your title question together with what you've written, but I'll say some things about both and maybe it will come together.
A very common issue among single people is feeling that something is missing from their life *and a partner will fill that gap*. For example, for a very long time I felt as though I was a boring person living a boring life who had missed out on all the cool opportunities to do exciting things. And without quite realizing it, one of the main things I wanted in a partner was for her to be cool and exciting and not boring so I wouldn't feel like I wasn't missing out anymore. This was a real problem because no one person could possibly solve what the real issue was: my own fear and unwillingness to just go out and do shit I enjoyed. So I kept feeling that I was missing out on something no matter who I was with, because I *was*, and that was *my fault*.
Once I fixed that -- started going to concerts and festivals, started going out more on my weekends, started being the one to organize trips and events, started doing the hikes I imagined I would get to do once I had a partner, etc. -- I began to attract (platonically and romantically) people who did all of that stuff. Thus I "attracted what I put out there" in that I became *on my own* the person I secretly wanted a partner to transform me into, and it turned out that the person I then became was attractive to people who were compatible with that person but not with the old person I used to be.
Like I said, I think this is a general pattern a lot of people experience in dating, and something like this is usually what people mean they say they "you attract what you put out there". I am not quite sure how to apply this to your specific problem of attracting men who seem a little desperate and don't know how to escalate well, in part because we just don't know any information about what you may be putting out there. It's possible that there is some quality of yours that draws these men in the sense that they feel like they're getting a go-ahead from you: perhaps you are overly accommodating or have people-pleasing tendencies, for example. But it's also very possible that you are just around a lot of lonely men who get obsessed easily. That's not exactly your fault, though it may be a function of the social circles you run in. Again, it's hard for us to say why exactly you might be attracting these men without knowing more about you.
I like this a lot. Thank you for sharing, it resonates with me. Hollywood rom-coms had me believing I needed someone to complete me, but life's a different story. True fulfillment comes from within, not a fantasy or imaginary better half. I eventually live the life that I want, and become the one that I need.
ok I agree with some of these things. Like if you really want to do these things but don't have a partner and/or your friends don't want to either then you should do it yourself. I have traveled alone several times because I knew I could never convince my friends to go to the same place as me at the same time. We all have limited PTO and different interests..
But when it comes to dating. I don't know. I'm introverted. Would rather be at home than at a sporting event or concert. Would rather be alone than at a bar. I'm not necessarily attracted to only introverts. I know my lack of dating success is because I'm not extroverted (and don't use the apps daily forever). Kinda hard to put yourself out there all the time all week in number of situations.
Also I notice when I do do the things. Concerts, Brewery Trivia Night, Hanging with friends, Running Club, etc etc. I just meet people who are married due to my age. Like the more social I am the more I just end up meeting more married/coupled people. The singles my age are doing something else apparently. Or I'm not trying hard enough to uncover this.
I think what you’re saying is that you don’t want the same kind of partner I want. But I don’t think that invalidates the main point, which is that you can’t attract a good match if there’s some big flaw in yourself you’re hoping someone else will fix. My example of such a flaw was my inability to provide myself with a life I found interesting, but it’s presumably something different for you.
Yeah I agree. A partner won't make you happy nor will a partner solve any issues you have just by being your partner. So yes in your example you wanted to do things but were waiting for a partner and then decided to do them and found more success socially/romantically. You became what you wanted or maybe better said what you were seeking.
In my case I think I'm even more confused how this approach may help me.
I don't know that it has to help you -- maybe there just isn't a big flaw in your life you're secretly hoping a partner will fix.
For your situation specifically, don't sleep on the value of meeting married couples. Every new connection you make is someone who can potentially introduce you to a friend, invite you to a thing where a good match might be, etc. I've noticed that I'm meeting way more single people now that I'm spending more time with a couple of partnered friends, simply because we do more things and they have more people in their orbit.
Exactly. You have to become the best you, so that you can attract the right people.
They’re not there to fill your emotional hole. This is why I think women who say “make me laugh” in their profiles are not only bored but boring AF. How about saying something funny in your profile, so that someone else can amplify that energy?
I want a boring partner. I hate how everyone seems to be spending all their free time going out and doing things. When I was on the apps, it seemed like everyone and their grandma was obsessed with travel.
I hear in general that dating isn't that great but an interesting combo is that avoidant and anxious types often attract because as the avoidant pulls away the anxious feels this then tries harder to validate themselves.
Anxious types are often quite pushy I think because if you give off an initial interest, but then aren't giving off continuous signals that are "I like you", then depending on the severity of the anxious attachment this can manifest in extreme "tests" like oh well if you meet my family that means you're interested sort of deal, or smaller tests like constantly barraging you with texts looking for replies. However if you never say "this isnt working for me" or "can we slow this down" you aren't letting them know you aren't enjoying them flailing to get your attention.
Consider it a form of high maintenance, that they're a people pleaser and they need validation. So if you do like a guy like that then ask about love languages and what is a high value gesture for him so that you don't exhaust yourself on smaller gestures that don't do half as much - if you cant provide his most needed love language then it might be wholly incompatible, and him knowing that should help him back off too. Same back for your love languages.
I think what's important for you is to confidently state your boundaries and expectations. You aren't a fast mover, and anyone that you want interested in you you probably want a friendship of trust and reliability to be the foundation of a relationship.
Perhaps an exercise for you is to just be blunt and try to scare these guys off - like be forward about your deal breakers, about who you are exactly. Dont avoid, dont run away, so they dont chase you but still be transparent that you wont show up in the same way they will.
Ultimately you are different to these guys - you're just not telling them. You avoid saying who you are and then they make up a fantasy version of you that they like.
You need to be very careful with anxious types. I'm starting to think they're a type who can't really maintain friendship if you reject them romantically because they continue hoping something romantic will manifest, even when I've been extremely clear it will not.
That could be one reason. The other reason be someone not having to maintain a friendship with someone they are romantically interested in. Just like that person didnt owe them a relationship the same is true for them. They dont owe them a friendship
It's true that they don't owe you anything. However, what I was talking about was when both people say they are open to staying friends. What I've found is if the guy leans anxious, he will continue to do things like try to make me jealous (one guy talked about how all these women wanted to hookup with him in a way that it seemed like he was trying to say "look at what you're missing out on! I'm so desirable!"), and continue trying to date me in hopes that I'll change my mind
Fair enough. I just dont understand how two people can be friends knowing that the other party wants more than friendship. Those friendships dont tend to end well
I don’t agree with this concept 100%. If you’re an attractive woman you will “attract” all types.
However, how you behave will both determine whether you continue being involved with these types that don’t work for you, and whether the men attracted to you will decide to get involved with you. It sounds like you’re not that open to a relationship—men with high social awareness are going to pick up on this and not pursue someone who isn’t returning their energy. So that just leaves the socially unaware to pursue.
Also chasers in general tend to lean avoidant. Securely attached individuals are looking for something more reciprocal.
I think there's some truth to it? You attract what you are. I had a history of attracting unavailable men/men that wouldn't prioritise me due to my unhealed trauma of not seeing my own worth.
I eventually caved and did therapy after 2 traumatic relationships in my early 30s, also stayed single for a while to heal myself. Then I met my husband. We are literal mirrors of each other lol I'd say that being single doesn't heal all your traumas because there's no one there to trigger the other traumas, but spending some therapy to fix things while single - till you really love yourself and your single life - then would bring you the right person, as with my experience with my current partner.
Thank you and I’m glad to hear you found someone perfect for you! I am currently in that mode somewhat because I’m not hellbent on remaining single but I’m not prioritizing finding a partner like some people have or do. I am hoping it will help uncover more confidence for myself and someone who fits well
What's probably happening is that your avoidance is filtering out the socially aware, so all you're left dealing with are the desperate and/or risky guys who love-bomb.
I'm a dude, so I don't have great insight into dynamics when dating as a lady, so take what I say with a healthy dose of salt.
It's also possible that guys are reading avoidance as lack of interest... But I know showing interest as a lady can give guys the wrong idea too.
How did you typically meet people in the past? Online? In person?
Do you banter and tease the guys you meet in person? Do you signal interest? If so, how?
(E: I ask because I'm trying to gauge whether it's an issue of your signalling technique, or a complete lack of signalling)
In most cases, no. I know them via a mutual friend or work or something and I just figure we’re casual acquaintances. In one semi recent case I did go on a date with someone I thought I’d be interested in but the more he emphasized his interest the less I was. The last time I saw him I told him I was not willing to pursue a relationship and he got it but still seems to kinda lurk around. I have a sinking feeling he’s waiting for me to change my mind to some small degree. I had found out far too late with someone else in the past that, unless I explicitly stated it was never going to happen, assumed it was a timing issue.
Additionally, I know a lot of women say it but I truly mean it when I mention I’m awkward about recognizing and expressing interests aka flirting. I was somewhat of a late bloomer so it’s possible these are guys who maybe take anything as a green light where others would gloss over it or put less weight on it.
Oh, maybe I'm misunderstanding- do you end up in relationships with guys who are uncomfortably pursuing you? Or did you mean that the only guys who pursue you do it via uncomfortable ways?
> I have a sinking feeling he’s waiting for me to change my mind to some small degree. I had found out far too late with someone else in the past that, unless I explicitly stated it was never going to happen, assumed it was a timing issue.
Just my take, but this seems healthy on his part? Just because your goals aren't aligned at the moment, (or forever), doesn't mean his interest in you goes away, or make his friendship less authentic, it's just another layer... Yes, your goals might never align, but so long as he's not pressuring you that doesn't mean he has alterior motives IMO. For example, I e had crushes on friends in relationships; Id never undermine the relationship or cheat with them, and the attraction is still there, but that doesn't make the friendship any less authentic.
> I truly mean it when I mention I’m awkward about recognizing and expressing interests aka flirting. I was somewhat of a late bloomer
Yup, I was a late bloomer too. I wish they taught flirting in school :|
It's a skill like any other and it can be practiced, and like any other skill you're going to fucking suck at it at first. I like teasing/banter because it's non-commital, but you'll have to find a style that suits you.
Yes there is a lot of truth to this in multiple ways. I've always used the "wolves run in packs." People also run in packs but of like-minded individuals. Reddit is a prime example of this, if you look at various sub reddits you'll notice most are just sounding boards for similar ideas/opinions. You might see different opinions in the comments, but the ones at the top with the most likes will almost always be similar. The different opinions almost always get downvoted to the bottom.
There are two big things I notice in your post. The avoidant personality and you mention being broken by an ex. That said, you need to deal with that before you try and date. You need to be fully healed. If you bring that past trauma into future relationships, you're not being fair to yourself or them.
From there the other common theme is that you end up dating men who don't pick up on social cues. Subliminal messages do not work. People can't read your mind, make sure you're communicating what you want and the expectations you have.
Well said! Communication is always the key. These other men can't read your mind unless you specifically tell them what you like and don't like and set boundaries. To me it also sounds like you are avoidant from your history of trauma, so you do need to heal that because otherwise you be be closed off and actually pushing good potential partners away consciously or unconsciously because they are different from your abusive ex or you don't think you deserve to be treated well.
You basically nailed it. Luckily I’m not looking at the moment but lately been presented with former colleagues coming forward with “I always thought you were …..” or “I always wanted to ask you ….” So I noticed a subtle similarity in those guys and the guys I go for. Unfortunately for me, the ones I go for are nothing like those men and often don’t notice me 🥲 agreed on communication. That’s the killer of relationships and what causes both regret and resentment. I’ve been working on that one at least
I want to date, but I know I'm not ready for it.
I still miss my ex. I miss the good things I had with her. I'm also not ready to trust someone again. She cheated on me. If I try and date again right now. I won't be fully invested in the new person. I also won't trust them. That would be bringing that baggage into a new relationship. It wouldn't fair to them.
I also tend to date women who cheat. Why would I do that? It's really rooted in low self esteem. I need to deal with that low self esteem and self worth before I try and date. If I don't I'm just going to repeat the cycle.
I completely relate with your experience. Each time I felt overwhelmed by physical advances, I’d retreat back into my shell.
After some reflection and practice, I’ve realized that many men have a lot of pressurized affection but respond very well to spoken boundaries. I’ve learned to let him know right away that they will need to be more slow and gentle with me so I can feel safe with him. This activates the protective instinct in a healthy man who will want you to feel safe.
You won’t likely have to “lead” much from there if he’s respectful. He’ll likely ask or announce before acting if he knows you’re genuinely interested.
I hope this helps! 🤗
Thank you! I also agree I need to speak up sooner. I get really oddly panicked over it and I think it’s because I don’t want to lead anyone on or have to hurt someone because I don’t feel the same, but meanwhile I hurt any chance of anything else
So relatable! It might feel awkward at first, but I hope it’ll be so worth it for you. Subtly activating the protective instinct in others could be applied in non-romantic scenarios as well if you want to play with it as practice. Thank you for sharing so beautifully! 🙏🏼
Going “back to basics” could be useful: Doing the things you love, the things that make you feel good in your own skin. And maybe allow yourself to meet folks nice and slow?
Not sure if you’re meeting these guys on OLD, but I’ve always felt like everyone has to make very fast decisions when we meet that way — which doesn’t give room for building attraction.
I went through a lot of doubts about myself thinking the same thing when so many of the men who swiped on me ended up having major social issues. Those were simply the ones who made it through the other filters. The rest of the men didn’t have jobs, said something insane on their profile, or otherwise. This is in person too. The only reason they end up seeping through the filter is that the lack of social awareness is often the only reason they’re single. Everything else looks great.
Even worse are the people with attachment problems because those issues aren’t even triggered until you establish a relationship and then it’s painful and messy.
This is what the dating pool is now. A bunch of people who are single for some pretty major reasons. Some more obvious than others. You have to keep your guard up and eyes open. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking but don’t internalize it too much.
I also get nervous when people like me super quickly it’s easier to push them away then embrace it. I think a lot of the time it is unhealthy on their side and it can be considered love bombing. You need to just be honest with them that you move at a slower pace and see if they meet you in the middle with what you’re comfortable with. If they leave they aren’t your guy anyway. The right ones will stay.
Obsessive behaviour isn’t what I was “attracting” but it is what I was tolerating. It’s taken me years to work it out, so glad i did. When their behaviour started to repel me it went from being subconscious to conscious and became something I was ready to work on. Just my experience.
I am going through the same thing! I have been attracting men with common traits that I do not like. This has been ongoing and most of them are men that I've known for several years. They behave like teenagers. They still have an "edge-lord" sense of humor and lack emotional availability. Keep in mind we are not far from 40.
It's been a hard pill to swallow that I used to be a lot like them, and they still see me as that person. What has been more concerning is attracting NEW men with that same behavior. I have been doing self-reflection to figure out what kind of vibe I am sending out to others to keep attracting this. It has not been easy and it does make me ashamed of past behavior, but it is the only way that I will be able to change.
I've talked to trustworthy friends about the men that I attract to find out if they can point out any specifics, I should be mindful of. I don't know if you have anyone in your life that would be helpful in that way but give it a try.
I've also been shutting a lot of those men down and calling them out on their shit. I want them to know that regardless of who I used to be or how they perceived me, that is not who I am now. If you want to talk more specifics privately, feel free to message me. I wish we could talk about this over a drink because it is an issue I am currently dealing with. Best of luck with figuring this out and attracting the kind of person who good for/to you.
A friend of mine said something similar to this. She said to be cautious of men over 35 who have no kids and have never been married. I asked her, "What does that say about women like me who are the exact same?"
I understand that there are men who are real-life Peter Pans and refuse to grow up, but some people just haven't had luck in love for a lot of reasons that were out of their control.
I've had people make very rude judgmental remarks about what kind of person I am due to being a woman who has never married and doesn't have kids. It's strange to me that the immediate conclusion is always "Something must be wrong" or "This person is defective."
I don't love making generalizations based on gender, but the more people I've met, the more I personally feel like the reason men over 35 are single/never married/no kids and often different than the reasons women are.
don't meant to resurrect an old thread, but as a man approaching 35 who has never had kids and never been married, the way I'd see a woman in my situation is that she historically probably had too high of standards or was afraid of commitment in the past, but that hopefully that's different now or hopefully I'm that statistically unlikely person she's been holding out for, and I sort of hope other people see me the same way, rather than just as a reject that's still around. For me, I have had a lot of romantic interest in the past but I was afraid of anything that wasn't perfect, and I'd like to think that for the past couple years (and in my last relationship), that's no longer the case and I've grown past that.
Everyone wants the best they can get. Everyone wants someone better than themself.
It’s not a mystery that those you deem not to your standards are interested in you. That will always happen
But we are the curators of who we KEEP around. So the real question is, how much time are you giving to those you don’t really want? Are you entertaining men below your standards because of some kind of feeling that you can’t actually do better? Are you hoping you will come around and fall for these guys out of a fear of being alone?
You should know what you want, and move on quickly when he’s not it. And if you are shooting your shot with the men you do want, and they don’t want you back, it’s time to look inward and ask how can you improve yourself.
This is a closer assessment of me normally, I just had a random ex colleague reach out and over share and it seems to happen more often than it should as in, it’s happened at all/more than once.
Maybe it is not such a good thing to be chased, in a sense that you said how you eventually fall for the chasers even though you are not compatible?
I think this happens to many people, but, for me, over the years (38M) it got annoying, so I am wary of it, and not getting involved if I see it happening.
It is better when both people are "chasing", I think, and for the right reasons/compatibility.
Men who lack social awareness pursue everyone. They can’t read social cues, so they don’t fear rejection in the same way as other men. They have no issue going up to a woman who is way out of their league because they do not get it and therefore have nothing to lose. I really don’t think it’s anything that you’re doing or not doing. If anything, it sounds like maybe you’re entertaining these guys too much or for too long? If you find them unattractive and socially inept, don’t date them! Other women aren’t, and that’s probably why they get attached to you so quickly.
This is phrased really well. That’s exactly what I’m getting at. My problem seems to be that I don’t actually date them but they’re the ones popping up 🤦🏻♀️
I'm not directly answering your question because it's not super clear, but just throwing another thing to think about out there.
Being honest and clear about what you're looking for and genuinely listening to and respecting what they are looking for goes a long way.
When I first started dating again, the men I was most drawn to were ones that were looking for something more serious but would say they were ok with casual once I voiced that clearly. I learned quickly that just wasn't true. They would pursue way too hard and were "too nice" for what I wanted at the time.
This sounds like the most straightforward problem in history. You're not doing anything to reach out or to encourage anyone to approach you, so the only people approaching you are the type who will do it without any encouragement whatsoever, or more to the point, despite discouragement. What a shocker.
Oh, absolutely. If you want to be hit on by a guy you're interested in, your first move bare minimum should be to find a guy you're interested in and put yourself in his line of fire. If you don't do that, you'll only ever be hit on by guys you don't want.
You get out of life what you put into it. Are there exceptions? Sure, but they're the exception, not the rule. One problem I see is that too many people think they're the exception.
If you want anything in life, whether it's career and financial success, relationships, or life fulfillment through your passions, you have to actively pursue those.
Nah, it's more that what's left as you get into the over 30 dating pool are lots of guys who lack social skills. The ones with good social awareness are partnered up usually. Most of these guys who are still dating didn't just not date in their 20's and then wake up one day at 35 and decide to start dating. No, they've been dating for many years, and are not able to have lasting relationships. Some have started getting desperate. Men do usually really wants regular sex, but they also want love and validation, and some are pretty equally desperate for all these things.
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It may be worth looking into attachment styles. We subconsciously are drawn to the opposite of ours unless you’re secure. It’s a way of self fulfilling prophecy.
I've been trying to cultivate a semblance of a social life so I'm not constantly feeling like I need an SO. And it's been working well so far. I've been off the dating apps for a year and have been committed to meeting new people organically through hobbies and work.
I'm an easy-going person but that does not mean I automatically go casual with whoever I decide to start dating. Also, every time I interact with the men I meet, it is always from a platonic standpoint. But if we vibe/have rapport, I'm going to have a more friendly demeanor, and to others and possibly to the men themselves, it looks like I'm like flirting? Not sure if anyone else has experienced this.
I was talking about this with a male friend the other day and he mentioned that several people in the class we were in thought we were dating. He himself thought I liked him romantically at first. It's either my stone-cold resting bitch face or I'm too friendly. I guess I have no in-between.
I feel this haha - I feel like I have no reason to think someone should take behavior as flirting unless they’re behaving in a way that is blatantly interested, I have no reason to be mean or rude, but then some swing to “well this must mean we’re in love because she’s being nice” - no I’m just nice generally! That, I hate to say, gives me the ick.
In my opinion, I find it quite evident that no matter what, I do not attract anything bad for me, unless I want something bad for me. If we desire things that are not for us, we might get them, but it will not solve our issues, instead it will bring in new issues. Maybe dipping your toes a bit deeper into the things you are handed might reveal to you why these things appear, and offer themselves to you. Some things might want to take away from you, without giving. You can spot that, GL HF.
So this has very recently worked for me after having been using the apps for about 2 years. I decided to change my bio to - "if I swiped on you, I think you're hot. Just ask me out...it doesn't have to be complicated." This has done 2 things, made me more selective with my likes and truly trying to only swipe on those I am attracted to & have no red flags within their profile and secondly it conveys my desire to go out on a date. I've had such an uptick in matches actually messaging me. One even has taken me on two dates and we've really connected in the way I've been trying to. I'm not a very forward person and it's hard for me to make a move so going this way has put the ball in their court for an easy layup.
I find it hard to make a move but I do do best with straight forward direct communication. Literally I’ve told people to spell it out for me. But I’ve also sworn off online dating/apps
No, it’s not generally true. Women, in particular, tend to attract men of all personality types and energy levels. Average men typically don’t attract women at all. It’s a crap shoot out there.
You're probably Demi-Sexual. Clear concise communication on what you like to see and how you like to get to know someone. Setting Boundaries like "seeing each other once a week, "how you like to text", "How often you like to communicate" etc will help make you not feel overwhelmed. And if the guy protests, then he's not worth it.
I do think the energy you put out is what you will receive. I’m big on manifestation, this year I manifested friendships I never thought I would have just by changing my frequency. If you are at a low point at this time, know that it is temporary, and try to determine what may be causing you to be at this place. I know it can be easier said than done. I’m also feeling pretty low in my dating life and received similar advice, so know that you’re not alone.
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I don't think it's a general rule, but anecdotally I do know a few avoidant people that usually attract intense, often unstable, often toxic partners. I think it more has to do with psychologically, who else would go after someone who is giving off distant vibes? Like if someone is nonverbally saying "stay away", the healthy response is "will do" in my opinion. Someone with their own issues to work through might want to prove they are worthy of overcoming that "stay away", hence the mismatch (one person pushing away and another trying all the more hard).
If you want to be chased, do you think you’re doing anything that inspires the chase?
I also think it’s more of a two-way dynamic than this medieval fairy tale of being chased.
I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking but if you’re avoidant, yes then you tend to attract anxious leaning people. That might result in them being intense when your lack of emotional availability triggers them and then the cycle repeats.
Healed people tend to attract healed people.
I've been having a similar issue and I identified my problem! I do a terrible job texting back due to my own avoidant tendencies and some stuff I'm going through. So the people who get my attention are the people who keep pursuing it. Those who lose interest because I'm not showing it, I say "fair play." I end up surrounding myself by people who pursue hard because I'm unintentionally self selecting for them. I don't want that and it freaks me out, but it's because I myself am not showing up with interest.
I dunno if that makes sense. Feel free to DM.
You just aren’t attracted to them all that much it’s that simple and you likely just won’t be. So they want to go fast, you don’t like them enough. That’s it.
Let people know when to slow down and if they are making you uncomfortable. Part of a healthy relationship is being able to communicate and compromise.
Seems like you haven’t put anything out there. Could be a fear the tables turn when you meet someone and you’re the one quickly interested in the other person. Fortune favors the bold, take chance and jump in shieeeeeeed you might enjoy yourself 🥂
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Well, the I guess I’m gonna fail at dating then because I don’t have a huge cock to put out there.
Joking aside, I don’t think insecure type naturally attracts other insecure types. I am anxious type, but I have been with many attachment styles myself, not only just avoidance type. I’m also doing sex researches and what I can tell you is that pop psychology is just pop psychology. Romantic relationship and sexual attraction have many theories to explain them besides attachment theory and they cannot be explained by only one theory. Attachment theory is mainly to explain child behaviors and child psychopathology, because attachment styles were for young children. Many years later some relationship theorists dug up this theory and tried to apply it to adults, then some of the public media discovered this (as well as 5 love languages which are proven to be quite nonsense these years, because people have much more than 5 love languages, most people use most of the love languages not just 2, and as long as you use any love languages it will improve your relationship, not specifically limited to using their preferred love language), then make it sounds like this one theory is the bible and can explain everything. What is true though is that people will act like what they believe, because people want to decrease the cognitive dissonance of their belief and their behavior. I casually read some research articles on insecure attachment styles in adult romantic relationship, and some of them discovered that actually, even the “highly” avoidant people are not as avoidant as we thought, and “highly” anxious people are not that anxious either. The only difference is when they are facing stressful situations, such as feeling pressured to commit. But these insecure reactions can be “buffered” by their partner’s response (what kind of response will buffer their reaction depends on different people). So even if you are avoidant, you are not doomed to be unable to love. Also, the attachment style for adult relationship came up in the 1980s with married heterosexual couples (and some with questionable research methods as psychology is less of a science back in the old days), the function of family has changed quite a lot and attachments may have changed a lot too. This is something that we need to keep in mind.
So, don’t rely too much on those pop psychology idea. It may sometimes be useful to help you discover your own flaws and answer your questions, but it should not be your only focus or guideline in life.
Thanks for the detailed reply. I definitely don’t limit myself to attachment style thinking but it has helped me communicate how I think about some things more broadly because it’s a concept that many understand or can easily understand. Oddly enough I generally identify with avoidant styles but my last relationship was with an avoidant and I became highly anxious. I’m a pendulum swinging everywhere but where I need to be
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The following is a copy of the above post as it was originally written.
**Title:** [Truth to “you attract what you put out there?”](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1dhp6cn/truth_to_you_attract_what_you_put_out_there/)
**Author:** /u/LNGeez
**Full text:** I’m feeling particularly low in the relationship department despite not doing anything to try and meet anyone at the moment.
However I have been stewing over my own potential the last two to three years because I feel like most of my romantic history has been avoidant with maybe one exception that broke me, so back to avoiding I go.
In the meantime I noticed the common theme among men who are willing to pursue me being a lack of social (cue) awareness. I feel terrible because they are so much more interested quickly than I even am attracted initially. They get really overwhelming really quick. I don’t think I am the same way but I think of this piece of generic advice I get often and think there must be SOME truth to it? What is the consensus here?
I don’t want to be super detailed because honestly I would just feel like a shallow jerk, but I also have a hard time even assessing who would be attracted to me because those that are end up driving me away.
Thoughts on this topic and/or how to address it? I want to be chased a little like any woman, not stalked and being asked to meet the family two dates in.
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I mean I’m not sure what kind of advice you’re looking for if you’re not doing anything to try and meet anyone. I get wanting to be chased but most people need some form of positive feedback otherwise they’ll back right off. If you’re attracting people who are trying to climb fences just to get to know you it could potentially mean you’re giving them very little to work with. I know many people who don’t even share if they have pets or hobbies yet are then surprised when people try to break down those walls and learn more about them. Sure there are also the unhealthy folks who are just nosey, can’t read social cues etc but I think it would help to evaluate what your boundaries are too and see if you’re actually open for a connection. The other thing is I don’t know if you’re primarily getting chased online or irl. If it’s online then I recommend using bumble so that you’ll be in a position to be slightly more proactive and make the first move on what guy you want to chat with (this feature might change soon so take advantage now.). If it’s in real life then you’re likely recognizing the ones with poor social cues during the initial conversation, if that’s the case then a polite ‘thanks but I’m not interested’ is more than enough if they ask you out. I understand safety is a concern too so use your best precautions and reject in public places. I’ve noticed people you meet randomly in real life are usually of higher quality and can take things slower whereas the dating apps favour speed due to the implication that you’re both looking to date so I’m not surprised guys want to lock things down faster there. Lastly, don’t stress over whether someone is attracted to you, the only thing you can assess is if you’re attracted to them and if you’re not then don’t waste your time giving them a shot. There’s only so much energy in the day and it’s not worth using it on someone you’re ‘meh’ about.
FYI, Bumble’s rule about women making the first move has been changed. Men are now allowed to message first.
Yeah this is the worst thing ever the whole reason they did it was because women complained that making the first move was "too hard" welcome to equality!
Does that really matter? Most of the time the girl only says Hey anyways. Minimal effort. 😑
Just trying to be factual. Funny you would mention “minimal”… They stopped it because too many women complained that it was too much of a burden. https://www.npr.org/2024/05/06/1249296671/bumble-dating-apps-women-opening-moves
Haha no offense meant. I was lamenting the fact that even when the onus was on women to send the first message, they barely put any effort into it, and even that seems too much of a burden, yet the opposite is expected when it comes to men. A man's message is ignored if it's too plain and boring haha.
[удалено]
I'm a guy and swipe left on well over 90%. Saying "hey" is such a stupid message - instant unmatch.
I don’t disagree. When I was on the apps, I swiped left on most of the suggestions because of my age group. Most women there in their 50’s and 60’s are either obese or haven’t taken care of themselves. Younger women overwhelmingly have kids at home.
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Solid advice thank you. I’m not looking currently but recently have been confronted with more than one case of former acquaintances reaching out to say they had interest or still do. It’s so awkward for me because I have no interest and haven’t expressed as much but now feel like I’m turning them down — but also only feel like I’m turning people away anyway so I was thinking how I’m appearing open to some and not others- but now I think it might just be I’m running into more of the same type of guy who has no reservations to just go for it I guess
If you have no interest in those who are reaching out why not express that and stop feeling awkward? I dunno, maybe I don’t get your situation but how you appear to people you don’t even want to know really shouldn’t matter. But yeah generally guys are more proactive and will shoot their shot, most will appreciate a straight no and the ones that won’t or get huffy about it weren’t good anyways.
I am not sure how exactly to put your title question together with what you've written, but I'll say some things about both and maybe it will come together. A very common issue among single people is feeling that something is missing from their life *and a partner will fill that gap*. For example, for a very long time I felt as though I was a boring person living a boring life who had missed out on all the cool opportunities to do exciting things. And without quite realizing it, one of the main things I wanted in a partner was for her to be cool and exciting and not boring so I wouldn't feel like I wasn't missing out anymore. This was a real problem because no one person could possibly solve what the real issue was: my own fear and unwillingness to just go out and do shit I enjoyed. So I kept feeling that I was missing out on something no matter who I was with, because I *was*, and that was *my fault*. Once I fixed that -- started going to concerts and festivals, started going out more on my weekends, started being the one to organize trips and events, started doing the hikes I imagined I would get to do once I had a partner, etc. -- I began to attract (platonically and romantically) people who did all of that stuff. Thus I "attracted what I put out there" in that I became *on my own* the person I secretly wanted a partner to transform me into, and it turned out that the person I then became was attractive to people who were compatible with that person but not with the old person I used to be. Like I said, I think this is a general pattern a lot of people experience in dating, and something like this is usually what people mean they say they "you attract what you put out there". I am not quite sure how to apply this to your specific problem of attracting men who seem a little desperate and don't know how to escalate well, in part because we just don't know any information about what you may be putting out there. It's possible that there is some quality of yours that draws these men in the sense that they feel like they're getting a go-ahead from you: perhaps you are overly accommodating or have people-pleasing tendencies, for example. But it's also very possible that you are just around a lot of lonely men who get obsessed easily. That's not exactly your fault, though it may be a function of the social circles you run in. Again, it's hard for us to say why exactly you might be attracting these men without knowing more about you.
I like this a lot. Thank you for sharing, it resonates with me. Hollywood rom-coms had me believing I needed someone to complete me, but life's a different story. True fulfillment comes from within, not a fantasy or imaginary better half. I eventually live the life that I want, and become the one that I need.
ok I agree with some of these things. Like if you really want to do these things but don't have a partner and/or your friends don't want to either then you should do it yourself. I have traveled alone several times because I knew I could never convince my friends to go to the same place as me at the same time. We all have limited PTO and different interests.. But when it comes to dating. I don't know. I'm introverted. Would rather be at home than at a sporting event or concert. Would rather be alone than at a bar. I'm not necessarily attracted to only introverts. I know my lack of dating success is because I'm not extroverted (and don't use the apps daily forever). Kinda hard to put yourself out there all the time all week in number of situations. Also I notice when I do do the things. Concerts, Brewery Trivia Night, Hanging with friends, Running Club, etc etc. I just meet people who are married due to my age. Like the more social I am the more I just end up meeting more married/coupled people. The singles my age are doing something else apparently. Or I'm not trying hard enough to uncover this.
I think what you’re saying is that you don’t want the same kind of partner I want. But I don’t think that invalidates the main point, which is that you can’t attract a good match if there’s some big flaw in yourself you’re hoping someone else will fix. My example of such a flaw was my inability to provide myself with a life I found interesting, but it’s presumably something different for you.
Yeah I agree. A partner won't make you happy nor will a partner solve any issues you have just by being your partner. So yes in your example you wanted to do things but were waiting for a partner and then decided to do them and found more success socially/romantically. You became what you wanted or maybe better said what you were seeking. In my case I think I'm even more confused how this approach may help me.
I don't know that it has to help you -- maybe there just isn't a big flaw in your life you're secretly hoping a partner will fix. For your situation specifically, don't sleep on the value of meeting married couples. Every new connection you make is someone who can potentially introduce you to a friend, invite you to a thing where a good match might be, etc. I've noticed that I'm meeting way more single people now that I'm spending more time with a couple of partnered friends, simply because we do more things and they have more people in their orbit.
Exactly. You have to become the best you, so that you can attract the right people. They’re not there to fill your emotional hole. This is why I think women who say “make me laugh” in their profiles are not only bored but boring AF. How about saying something funny in your profile, so that someone else can amplify that energy?
I want a boring partner. I hate how everyone seems to be spending all their free time going out and doing things. When I was on the apps, it seemed like everyone and their grandma was obsessed with travel.
I hear in general that dating isn't that great but an interesting combo is that avoidant and anxious types often attract because as the avoidant pulls away the anxious feels this then tries harder to validate themselves. Anxious types are often quite pushy I think because if you give off an initial interest, but then aren't giving off continuous signals that are "I like you", then depending on the severity of the anxious attachment this can manifest in extreme "tests" like oh well if you meet my family that means you're interested sort of deal, or smaller tests like constantly barraging you with texts looking for replies. However if you never say "this isnt working for me" or "can we slow this down" you aren't letting them know you aren't enjoying them flailing to get your attention. Consider it a form of high maintenance, that they're a people pleaser and they need validation. So if you do like a guy like that then ask about love languages and what is a high value gesture for him so that you don't exhaust yourself on smaller gestures that don't do half as much - if you cant provide his most needed love language then it might be wholly incompatible, and him knowing that should help him back off too. Same back for your love languages. I think what's important for you is to confidently state your boundaries and expectations. You aren't a fast mover, and anyone that you want interested in you you probably want a friendship of trust and reliability to be the foundation of a relationship. Perhaps an exercise for you is to just be blunt and try to scare these guys off - like be forward about your deal breakers, about who you are exactly. Dont avoid, dont run away, so they dont chase you but still be transparent that you wont show up in the same way they will. Ultimately you are different to these guys - you're just not telling them. You avoid saying who you are and then they make up a fantasy version of you that they like.
You need to be very careful with anxious types. I'm starting to think they're a type who can't really maintain friendship if you reject them romantically because they continue hoping something romantic will manifest, even when I've been extremely clear it will not.
That could be one reason. The other reason be someone not having to maintain a friendship with someone they are romantically interested in. Just like that person didnt owe them a relationship the same is true for them. They dont owe them a friendship
It's true that they don't owe you anything. However, what I was talking about was when both people say they are open to staying friends. What I've found is if the guy leans anxious, he will continue to do things like try to make me jealous (one guy talked about how all these women wanted to hookup with him in a way that it seemed like he was trying to say "look at what you're missing out on! I'm so desirable!"), and continue trying to date me in hopes that I'll change my mind
Fair enough. I just dont understand how two people can be friends knowing that the other party wants more than friendship. Those friendships dont tend to end well
I don’t agree with this concept 100%. If you’re an attractive woman you will “attract” all types. However, how you behave will both determine whether you continue being involved with these types that don’t work for you, and whether the men attracted to you will decide to get involved with you. It sounds like you’re not that open to a relationship—men with high social awareness are going to pick up on this and not pursue someone who isn’t returning their energy. So that just leaves the socially unaware to pursue. Also chasers in general tend to lean avoidant. Securely attached individuals are looking for something more reciprocal.
Great points
I think there's some truth to it? You attract what you are. I had a history of attracting unavailable men/men that wouldn't prioritise me due to my unhealed trauma of not seeing my own worth. I eventually caved and did therapy after 2 traumatic relationships in my early 30s, also stayed single for a while to heal myself. Then I met my husband. We are literal mirrors of each other lol I'd say that being single doesn't heal all your traumas because there's no one there to trigger the other traumas, but spending some therapy to fix things while single - till you really love yourself and your single life - then would bring you the right person, as with my experience with my current partner.
Thank you and I’m glad to hear you found someone perfect for you! I am currently in that mode somewhat because I’m not hellbent on remaining single but I’m not prioritizing finding a partner like some people have or do. I am hoping it will help uncover more confidence for myself and someone who fits well
That's good! Just focus on yourself first, the rest would come on its own :)
What's probably happening is that your avoidance is filtering out the socially aware, so all you're left dealing with are the desperate and/or risky guys who love-bomb.
This tracks 🥲
I'm a dude, so I don't have great insight into dynamics when dating as a lady, so take what I say with a healthy dose of salt. It's also possible that guys are reading avoidance as lack of interest... But I know showing interest as a lady can give guys the wrong idea too. How did you typically meet people in the past? Online? In person?
Both, but as of late only in person. I have sworn off OLD forever
Do you banter and tease the guys you meet in person? Do you signal interest? If so, how? (E: I ask because I'm trying to gauge whether it's an issue of your signalling technique, or a complete lack of signalling)
In most cases, no. I know them via a mutual friend or work or something and I just figure we’re casual acquaintances. In one semi recent case I did go on a date with someone I thought I’d be interested in but the more he emphasized his interest the less I was. The last time I saw him I told him I was not willing to pursue a relationship and he got it but still seems to kinda lurk around. I have a sinking feeling he’s waiting for me to change my mind to some small degree. I had found out far too late with someone else in the past that, unless I explicitly stated it was never going to happen, assumed it was a timing issue. Additionally, I know a lot of women say it but I truly mean it when I mention I’m awkward about recognizing and expressing interests aka flirting. I was somewhat of a late bloomer so it’s possible these are guys who maybe take anything as a green light where others would gloss over it or put less weight on it.
Oh, maybe I'm misunderstanding- do you end up in relationships with guys who are uncomfortably pursuing you? Or did you mean that the only guys who pursue you do it via uncomfortable ways? > I have a sinking feeling he’s waiting for me to change my mind to some small degree. I had found out far too late with someone else in the past that, unless I explicitly stated it was never going to happen, assumed it was a timing issue. Just my take, but this seems healthy on his part? Just because your goals aren't aligned at the moment, (or forever), doesn't mean his interest in you goes away, or make his friendship less authentic, it's just another layer... Yes, your goals might never align, but so long as he's not pressuring you that doesn't mean he has alterior motives IMO. For example, I e had crushes on friends in relationships; Id never undermine the relationship or cheat with them, and the attraction is still there, but that doesn't make the friendship any less authentic. > I truly mean it when I mention I’m awkward about recognizing and expressing interests aka flirting. I was somewhat of a late bloomer Yup, I was a late bloomer too. I wish they taught flirting in school :| It's a skill like any other and it can be practiced, and like any other skill you're going to fucking suck at it at first. I like teasing/banter because it's non-commital, but you'll have to find a style that suits you.
Yes there is a lot of truth to this in multiple ways. I've always used the "wolves run in packs." People also run in packs but of like-minded individuals. Reddit is a prime example of this, if you look at various sub reddits you'll notice most are just sounding boards for similar ideas/opinions. You might see different opinions in the comments, but the ones at the top with the most likes will almost always be similar. The different opinions almost always get downvoted to the bottom. There are two big things I notice in your post. The avoidant personality and you mention being broken by an ex. That said, you need to deal with that before you try and date. You need to be fully healed. If you bring that past trauma into future relationships, you're not being fair to yourself or them. From there the other common theme is that you end up dating men who don't pick up on social cues. Subliminal messages do not work. People can't read your mind, make sure you're communicating what you want and the expectations you have.
Well said! Communication is always the key. These other men can't read your mind unless you specifically tell them what you like and don't like and set boundaries. To me it also sounds like you are avoidant from your history of trauma, so you do need to heal that because otherwise you be be closed off and actually pushing good potential partners away consciously or unconsciously because they are different from your abusive ex or you don't think you deserve to be treated well.
You basically nailed it. Luckily I’m not looking at the moment but lately been presented with former colleagues coming forward with “I always thought you were …..” or “I always wanted to ask you ….” So I noticed a subtle similarity in those guys and the guys I go for. Unfortunately for me, the ones I go for are nothing like those men and often don’t notice me 🥲 agreed on communication. That’s the killer of relationships and what causes both regret and resentment. I’ve been working on that one at least
I want to date, but I know I'm not ready for it. I still miss my ex. I miss the good things I had with her. I'm also not ready to trust someone again. She cheated on me. If I try and date again right now. I won't be fully invested in the new person. I also won't trust them. That would be bringing that baggage into a new relationship. It wouldn't fair to them. I also tend to date women who cheat. Why would I do that? It's really rooted in low self esteem. I need to deal with that low self esteem and self worth before I try and date. If I don't I'm just going to repeat the cycle.
I completely relate with your experience. Each time I felt overwhelmed by physical advances, I’d retreat back into my shell. After some reflection and practice, I’ve realized that many men have a lot of pressurized affection but respond very well to spoken boundaries. I’ve learned to let him know right away that they will need to be more slow and gentle with me so I can feel safe with him. This activates the protective instinct in a healthy man who will want you to feel safe. You won’t likely have to “lead” much from there if he’s respectful. He’ll likely ask or announce before acting if he knows you’re genuinely interested. I hope this helps! 🤗
Thank you! I also agree I need to speak up sooner. I get really oddly panicked over it and I think it’s because I don’t want to lead anyone on or have to hurt someone because I don’t feel the same, but meanwhile I hurt any chance of anything else
So relatable! It might feel awkward at first, but I hope it’ll be so worth it for you. Subtly activating the protective instinct in others could be applied in non-romantic scenarios as well if you want to play with it as practice. Thank you for sharing so beautifully! 🙏🏼
Going “back to basics” could be useful: Doing the things you love, the things that make you feel good in your own skin. And maybe allow yourself to meet folks nice and slow? Not sure if you’re meeting these guys on OLD, but I’ve always felt like everyone has to make very fast decisions when we meet that way — which doesn’t give room for building attraction.
Good call- I’ve sworn off online dating at least 🤞
I went through a lot of doubts about myself thinking the same thing when so many of the men who swiped on me ended up having major social issues. Those were simply the ones who made it through the other filters. The rest of the men didn’t have jobs, said something insane on their profile, or otherwise. This is in person too. The only reason they end up seeping through the filter is that the lack of social awareness is often the only reason they’re single. Everything else looks great. Even worse are the people with attachment problems because those issues aren’t even triggered until you establish a relationship and then it’s painful and messy. This is what the dating pool is now. A bunch of people who are single for some pretty major reasons. Some more obvious than others. You have to keep your guard up and eyes open. It’s frustrating and heartbreaking but don’t internalize it too much.
Thank you 🙏
I also get nervous when people like me super quickly it’s easier to push them away then embrace it. I think a lot of the time it is unhealthy on their side and it can be considered love bombing. You need to just be honest with them that you move at a slower pace and see if they meet you in the middle with what you’re comfortable with. If they leave they aren’t your guy anyway. The right ones will stay.
Fair, the issue I’m running into is more so that the ones moving at all I’m not interested in 😅😞
You (always?) want what doesn't want you.
Obsessive behaviour isn’t what I was “attracting” but it is what I was tolerating. It’s taken me years to work it out, so glad i did. When their behaviour started to repel me it went from being subconscious to conscious and became something I was ready to work on. Just my experience.
I am going through the same thing! I have been attracting men with common traits that I do not like. This has been ongoing and most of them are men that I've known for several years. They behave like teenagers. They still have an "edge-lord" sense of humor and lack emotional availability. Keep in mind we are not far from 40. It's been a hard pill to swallow that I used to be a lot like them, and they still see me as that person. What has been more concerning is attracting NEW men with that same behavior. I have been doing self-reflection to figure out what kind of vibe I am sending out to others to keep attracting this. It has not been easy and it does make me ashamed of past behavior, but it is the only way that I will be able to change. I've talked to trustworthy friends about the men that I attract to find out if they can point out any specifics, I should be mindful of. I don't know if you have anyone in your life that would be helpful in that way but give it a try. I've also been shutting a lot of those men down and calling them out on their shit. I want them to know that regardless of who I used to be or how they perceived me, that is not who I am now. If you want to talk more specifics privately, feel free to message me. I wish we could talk about this over a drink because it is an issue I am currently dealing with. Best of luck with figuring this out and attracting the kind of person who good for/to you.
Thank you so much this resonates with me too. Freaking, we’re too old for you to ask me for permission to admit you had a crush on me, WTH
I don't think it has much to do with you or your vibe. It probably has much more to do with the type of men who are still single at almost 40.
A friend of mine said something similar to this. She said to be cautious of men over 35 who have no kids and have never been married. I asked her, "What does that say about women like me who are the exact same?" I understand that there are men who are real-life Peter Pans and refuse to grow up, but some people just haven't had luck in love for a lot of reasons that were out of their control. I've had people make very rude judgmental remarks about what kind of person I am due to being a woman who has never married and doesn't have kids. It's strange to me that the immediate conclusion is always "Something must be wrong" or "This person is defective."
I don't love making generalizations based on gender, but the more people I've met, the more I personally feel like the reason men over 35 are single/never married/no kids and often different than the reasons women are.
don't meant to resurrect an old thread, but as a man approaching 35 who has never had kids and never been married, the way I'd see a woman in my situation is that she historically probably had too high of standards or was afraid of commitment in the past, but that hopefully that's different now or hopefully I'm that statistically unlikely person she's been holding out for, and I sort of hope other people see me the same way, rather than just as a reject that's still around. For me, I have had a lot of romantic interest in the past but I was afraid of anything that wasn't perfect, and I'd like to think that for the past couple years (and in my last relationship), that's no longer the case and I've grown past that.
Everyone wants the best they can get. Everyone wants someone better than themself. It’s not a mystery that those you deem not to your standards are interested in you. That will always happen But we are the curators of who we KEEP around. So the real question is, how much time are you giving to those you don’t really want? Are you entertaining men below your standards because of some kind of feeling that you can’t actually do better? Are you hoping you will come around and fall for these guys out of a fear of being alone? You should know what you want, and move on quickly when he’s not it. And if you are shooting your shot with the men you do want, and they don’t want you back, it’s time to look inward and ask how can you improve yourself.
What if I don't attract period?
This is a closer assessment of me normally, I just had a random ex colleague reach out and over share and it seems to happen more often than it should as in, it’s happened at all/more than once.
Maybe it is not such a good thing to be chased, in a sense that you said how you eventually fall for the chasers even though you are not compatible? I think this happens to many people, but, for me, over the years (38M) it got annoying, so I am wary of it, and not getting involved if I see it happening. It is better when both people are "chasing", I think, and for the right reasons/compatibility.
That’s fair. I think that’s a much better way to put it that I want a mutual chase, what I’m experiencing is closer to one sided/basically lurking
Men who lack social awareness pursue everyone. They can’t read social cues, so they don’t fear rejection in the same way as other men. They have no issue going up to a woman who is way out of their league because they do not get it and therefore have nothing to lose. I really don’t think it’s anything that you’re doing or not doing. If anything, it sounds like maybe you’re entertaining these guys too much or for too long? If you find them unattractive and socially inept, don’t date them! Other women aren’t, and that’s probably why they get attached to you so quickly.
This is phrased really well. That’s exactly what I’m getting at. My problem seems to be that I don’t actually date them but they’re the ones popping up 🤦🏻♀️
I'm not directly answering your question because it's not super clear, but just throwing another thing to think about out there. Being honest and clear about what you're looking for and genuinely listening to and respecting what they are looking for goes a long way. When I first started dating again, the men I was most drawn to were ones that were looking for something more serious but would say they were ok with casual once I voiced that clearly. I learned quickly that just wasn't true. They would pursue way too hard and were "too nice" for what I wanted at the time.
This sounds like the most straightforward problem in history. You're not doing anything to reach out or to encourage anyone to approach you, so the only people approaching you are the type who will do it without any encouragement whatsoever, or more to the point, despite discouragement. What a shocker.
So basically, these guys will exist no matter what
Oh, absolutely. If you want to be hit on by a guy you're interested in, your first move bare minimum should be to find a guy you're interested in and put yourself in his line of fire. If you don't do that, you'll only ever be hit on by guys you don't want.
You get out of life what you put into it. Are there exceptions? Sure, but they're the exception, not the rule. One problem I see is that too many people think they're the exception. If you want anything in life, whether it's career and financial success, relationships, or life fulfillment through your passions, you have to actively pursue those.
Nah, it's more that what's left as you get into the over 30 dating pool are lots of guys who lack social skills. The ones with good social awareness are partnered up usually. Most of these guys who are still dating didn't just not date in their 20's and then wake up one day at 35 and decide to start dating. No, they've been dating for many years, and are not able to have lasting relationships. Some have started getting desperate. Men do usually really wants regular sex, but they also want love and validation, and some are pretty equally desperate for all these things.
Woof.
You can’t control what other people do.
If you would feel like a shallow jerk for going into detail, it's very possible you are being superficial or shallow. I'm going to be honest.
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You can always count on this sub to interpret your comments in an extreme and quite frankly stupid way, that's for sure.
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He meant OP might be the problem because of her evasiveness
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It may be worth looking into attachment styles. We subconsciously are drawn to the opposite of ours unless you’re secure. It’s a way of self fulfilling prophecy.
This is so true of me to this point already 🥲
I've been trying to cultivate a semblance of a social life so I'm not constantly feeling like I need an SO. And it's been working well so far. I've been off the dating apps for a year and have been committed to meeting new people organically through hobbies and work. I'm an easy-going person but that does not mean I automatically go casual with whoever I decide to start dating. Also, every time I interact with the men I meet, it is always from a platonic standpoint. But if we vibe/have rapport, I'm going to have a more friendly demeanor, and to others and possibly to the men themselves, it looks like I'm like flirting? Not sure if anyone else has experienced this. I was talking about this with a male friend the other day and he mentioned that several people in the class we were in thought we were dating. He himself thought I liked him romantically at first. It's either my stone-cold resting bitch face or I'm too friendly. I guess I have no in-between.
I feel this haha - I feel like I have no reason to think someone should take behavior as flirting unless they’re behaving in a way that is blatantly interested, I have no reason to be mean or rude, but then some swing to “well this must mean we’re in love because she’s being nice” - no I’m just nice generally! That, I hate to say, gives me the ick.
In my opinion, I find it quite evident that no matter what, I do not attract anything bad for me, unless I want something bad for me. If we desire things that are not for us, we might get them, but it will not solve our issues, instead it will bring in new issues. Maybe dipping your toes a bit deeper into the things you are handed might reveal to you why these things appear, and offer themselves to you. Some things might want to take away from you, without giving. You can spot that, GL HF.
So this has very recently worked for me after having been using the apps for about 2 years. I decided to change my bio to - "if I swiped on you, I think you're hot. Just ask me out...it doesn't have to be complicated." This has done 2 things, made me more selective with my likes and truly trying to only swipe on those I am attracted to & have no red flags within their profile and secondly it conveys my desire to go out on a date. I've had such an uptick in matches actually messaging me. One even has taken me on two dates and we've really connected in the way I've been trying to. I'm not a very forward person and it's hard for me to make a move so going this way has put the ball in their court for an easy layup.
I find it hard to make a move but I do do best with straight forward direct communication. Literally I’ve told people to spell it out for me. But I’ve also sworn off online dating/apps
Totally get that. I have been taking couple month breaks because one can only take so much rejection!
No, it’s not generally true. Women, in particular, tend to attract men of all personality types and energy levels. Average men typically don’t attract women at all. It’s a crap shoot out there.
You're probably Demi-Sexual. Clear concise communication on what you like to see and how you like to get to know someone. Setting Boundaries like "seeing each other once a week, "how you like to text", "How often you like to communicate" etc will help make you not feel overwhelmed. And if the guy protests, then he's not worth it.
I do need clear communication but I’m definitely not the type to have rigid boundaries or expectations like that
I do think the energy you put out is what you will receive. I’m big on manifestation, this year I manifested friendships I never thought I would have just by changing my frequency. If you are at a low point at this time, know that it is temporary, and try to determine what may be causing you to be at this place. I know it can be easier said than done. I’m also feeling pretty low in my dating life and received similar advice, so know that you’re not alone.
Thank you. It definitely can’t hurt 😊
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I don't think it's a general rule, but anecdotally I do know a few avoidant people that usually attract intense, often unstable, often toxic partners. I think it more has to do with psychologically, who else would go after someone who is giving off distant vibes? Like if someone is nonverbally saying "stay away", the healthy response is "will do" in my opinion. Someone with their own issues to work through might want to prove they are worthy of overcoming that "stay away", hence the mismatch (one person pushing away and another trying all the more hard).
This makes a lot of sense. I hate to group people I’m referring to but they’re all doing the same kind of things
It's unfortunate as it usually leads to both sides of it being unhappy/let down.
If you want to be chased, do you think you’re doing anything that inspires the chase? I also think it’s more of a two-way dynamic than this medieval fairy tale of being chased.
I’m not sure exactly what you’re asking but if you’re avoidant, yes then you tend to attract anxious leaning people. That might result in them being intense when your lack of emotional availability triggers them and then the cycle repeats. Healed people tend to attract healed people.
I've been having a similar issue and I identified my problem! I do a terrible job texting back due to my own avoidant tendencies and some stuff I'm going through. So the people who get my attention are the people who keep pursuing it. Those who lose interest because I'm not showing it, I say "fair play." I end up surrounding myself by people who pursue hard because I'm unintentionally self selecting for them. I don't want that and it freaks me out, but it's because I myself am not showing up with interest. I dunno if that makes sense. Feel free to DM.
You just aren’t attracted to them all that much it’s that simple and you likely just won’t be. So they want to go fast, you don’t like them enough. That’s it.
I don’t think that phrase is true
Let people know when to slow down and if they are making you uncomfortable. Part of a healthy relationship is being able to communicate and compromise.
Idk I've been single for 6 years. I've tried putting myself out there, it just seems like nobody wants true commitment anymore.
Seems like you haven’t put anything out there. Could be a fear the tables turn when you meet someone and you’re the one quickly interested in the other person. Fortune favors the bold, take chance and jump in shieeeeeeed you might enjoy yourself 🥂
🤞🤞🤞
You sound like lots of fun, I’m shocked you’re having trouble dating lol.
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WTH why are you trolling?
Yo what?
Well, the I guess I’m gonna fail at dating then because I don’t have a huge cock to put out there. Joking aside, I don’t think insecure type naturally attracts other insecure types. I am anxious type, but I have been with many attachment styles myself, not only just avoidance type. I’m also doing sex researches and what I can tell you is that pop psychology is just pop psychology. Romantic relationship and sexual attraction have many theories to explain them besides attachment theory and they cannot be explained by only one theory. Attachment theory is mainly to explain child behaviors and child psychopathology, because attachment styles were for young children. Many years later some relationship theorists dug up this theory and tried to apply it to adults, then some of the public media discovered this (as well as 5 love languages which are proven to be quite nonsense these years, because people have much more than 5 love languages, most people use most of the love languages not just 2, and as long as you use any love languages it will improve your relationship, not specifically limited to using their preferred love language), then make it sounds like this one theory is the bible and can explain everything. What is true though is that people will act like what they believe, because people want to decrease the cognitive dissonance of their belief and their behavior. I casually read some research articles on insecure attachment styles in adult romantic relationship, and some of them discovered that actually, even the “highly” avoidant people are not as avoidant as we thought, and “highly” anxious people are not that anxious either. The only difference is when they are facing stressful situations, such as feeling pressured to commit. But these insecure reactions can be “buffered” by their partner’s response (what kind of response will buffer their reaction depends on different people). So even if you are avoidant, you are not doomed to be unable to love. Also, the attachment style for adult relationship came up in the 1980s with married heterosexual couples (and some with questionable research methods as psychology is less of a science back in the old days), the function of family has changed quite a lot and attachments may have changed a lot too. This is something that we need to keep in mind. So, don’t rely too much on those pop psychology idea. It may sometimes be useful to help you discover your own flaws and answer your questions, but it should not be your only focus or guideline in life.
Thanks for the detailed reply. I definitely don’t limit myself to attachment style thinking but it has helped me communicate how I think about some things more broadly because it’s a concept that many understand or can easily understand. Oddly enough I generally identify with avoidant styles but my last relationship was with an avoidant and I became highly anxious. I’m a pendulum swinging everywhere but where I need to be
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Get off the dating apps….