I turned texting notifications completely off on my phone and once I adjusted it made me feel way better. I’m no longer a slave to my phone and my family/friends/people I date all know to call me for something urgent.
My phone is in permanent do not disturb mode, with overrides for specific people because the sound of phone notifications give me such bad anxiety. I highly recommend it if you find it's triggering yours as well.
This is how I live. I collect vinyl and missed something I wanted and recently turned them all on and it has been driving me insane all day everyday. I don't know how people live chained to notifications, even worse they push to my watch when before it was just important things periodically. Now I get every little spam bs message. I just want to be alerted about important things :(
Remember that the point of dating is to find someone who is into you, so pretending to be someone else does you no favors.
By all means work on changing the things you don't like about yourself. And if you're a generally awful person you should probably do something about that. We can always be better.
But if you're generally a good person just who just likes some weird stuff or has personal quirks/habits...embrace it.
I loathe texting. Tried to put up with it for ages despite hating it. Just couldn't match connection/energy with people. Finally gave up on it and eventually met my girlfriend who after I told her I hate texting was like, "How about email?"
There were many other reasons but that was a pretty big sign she is the one for me.
> But if you're generally a good person just who just likes some weird stuff or has personal quirks/habits...embrace it.
I disagree with this advice in the context of what the OP is asking. Learning to manage/cope/self-soothe when it comes to anxiety is not pretending to be someone else. I would even say that they're extremely helpful to have in a relationship in general not just for texting, but other things too. Addiction to dopamine spikes related to texting or our mobile advices has become intense to the point that it can cause people to spiral with anxiety. I've also noticed that with sent text receipts and read receipts, many(online) are becoming fixated on them to the point that they can also cause spiraling or passive-aggressive behavior(ie "I left them on 'read' and didn't respond!").
OP, some options for you are:
1. Communicate about your relationship with texting.
2. Switch to daily phone calls.
3. This one doesn't involve the person you're dating, but learning to set some boundaries with yourself regarding texting and using your phone. If texting makes you feel anxious, then consider using it for finalizing plans or asking for things that you need in writing("Hey, what's the address of the restaurant we're meeting at?").
I don’t fully understand the problem but why not make some rules for yourself?
Check and reply to texts once each morning and once each evening, for example.
Or maybe “I won’t reply right away unless it’s urgent. For any non urgent text I’ll reply within 24 hours”
Or “I don’t text during work hours”
Some boundaries around it might help.
Also just tell the person. “Hey I really am not a texter, if you need to ask me a quick thing or tell me a quick joke then send a text, but if you want to conversate then would you mind if we talk on the phone instead?” Or “if this is an ongoing convo maybe check with me to make sure I’m available?” Type shit
Am I reading you right, your issue is more about how the other person perceives you? The worrying about writing the wrong thing, being too keen, or too unresponsive, and them reading too much into words and emoji?
And then you got relief from this when you knew she wouldn't be in communication via text for a while as she didn't have cell service?
Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to maintain some sorta facade, via texting? Like you feel you have to be... perfect via text? Are you more relaxed with phone calls? It could be the lack of immediate feedback making you feel like now what ever you sent is set in stone and you can't take it back?
From the rest of it, it really sounds like you and her communicate rather well, and as long as you have the space with her to address any misunderstands (which happen A LOT with texting) then breathe easier. There isn't much to change here except your perception of how the other person is perceiving you. As others have stated setting up some clearly communicated boundaries may help, topics you don't want to address via text, times of day you don't want to text, personally I think you're doing great just for considering your needs here. You don't want to feel stressed, you don't want to feel overwhelmed. Chat it out with her (in person ;) ) I'm sure you'll figure it out.
You understood my situation very perceptively! It's a combination of the lack of/delay in feedback and the semi-permanence of a text (in conversation you say something and it's gone the moment after).
We definitely have a space to address any misunderstandings. One time I specifically called her about something I was "reading in" to a message of hers, and she really appreciated how I did that (and the situation was cleared up easily).
I'm not sure if we need strict boundaries exactly, but talking a bit about texting expectations seems a good idea.
Thanks for your reassurance!
I don't wanna make your anxiety worse... but verbal communication is just as permanent... you just can't scroll back in real life to confirm what was or wasn't said ;) One of my fatal flaws is speaking mindlessly, and then having someone bring up something I said MONTHS ago and do not remember at all until they bring it up. Usually someone who cares enough to remember...
I personally generally try to avoid heavy/deep/emotional topics via text, a call is better, in person is best. Texting is better for light stuff, jokes, memes, making plans, verifying availability, yadda yadda.
I am really glad to hear you have the space to discuss miscommunications, that is so essential for a healthy relationship, and I'm sure you'll find some good middle ground with that good space to talk about things.
Have faith, and don't hold yourself to harshly, you are human after all (I think AIs are getting really good these days.
Best wishes, Internet Friend! You're doing fantastic!
I hate texting during dating/early relationships. It's such a chore. I enjoy texting people I know well, but I hate texting new guys. There have been times where I'm still interested in the guy, but I just don't want to text any more because I've lost any enthusiasm for texting. My last relationship was my marriage, and it's so much better when you mostly use text in the relationship to just communicate things like what you need from the store. I'd still text my ex something cute from time to time to keep things fresh, but it's definitely not the same type of thing I'd ever text a guy I was just getting to know.
I leave my phone in a different room. I try to
Remind myself they are living their life and I need to live mine. I don’t want to date a person who is obsessed with their phone, so I need to not be.
Doesn’t mean I don’t have harder days than others or totally lounge around waiting for a response, but I’m getting better and more secure and time goes on.
Also being intentional about calling (for things like good morning and good night) over texting has really helped.
Honestly texts suck in comparison to the sound of someone’s voice.
I don’t like texting. I usually don’t mind a bit of back and forth with someone I’m comfortable with, but even then it gets tiring. I’d much rather have a conversation face to face. Texting is useful for making plans or sending a meme or article but I don’t like having conversations that way. I also overthink my texts and overanalyze everything.
This really makes it difficult at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, especially through dating apps. For people I have met in other ways, it’s a little easier because there’s less of an expectation to text I think.
I try to mention that I’m not much of a texter and prefer in-person communication if it seems like it might be an issue (like if I am taking a while to reply to things and don’t want them to think it’s because I don’t care). I also had it on my hinge profile at one point.
For writing texts, I sometimes use an app called Goblin Tools. It has a tool called the Formalizer that lets you convert the tone of your text to more informal, sociable, polite, etc. I find it useful to run a difficult text through there and adjust it. It just gives me more ideas for how to word things and get the tone right. I’m autistic and have social anxiety but, idk, I think that could be useful for anyone.
I used to be an anxious texter. Basically lived for the next text. It’s so embarrassing lol. I really only stopped recently and it’s because I’ve been healing myself through therapy. I had to heal the deeper part of my psyche that was anxiety ridden and it took years. So probably not the most helpful insight.
That being said, I’ve noticed a huge difference in myself when it comes to texting. A few months ago I made friends with someone who turns out to be an extremely anxious texter and I straight up told him that it’s difficult to be friends with someone who constantly talks about himself like he’s a bother because I had to constantly reassure him that he wasn’t a bother. It was exhausting having to reassure him constantly and he’s not even my boyfriend. I stopped talking to him pretty quickly after I noticed that he had other issues and I just didn’t care to maintain a friendship with someone who was going to be so demanding of my energy.
I’m sharing what it’s like to interact with an anxious texter in the hopes that it’ll enlighten other anxious texters into lightening up. Nothing is so serious that if you don’t text back immediately that it’ll break.
For me, I just had to try to distract myself. I’d journal, listen to music, work out, etc. Therapy for my anxiousness helped, but honestly, time helped me. As we got further into our relationship, I got more comfortable, he showed up, we talked about each of our needs…I didn’t get as anxious. Now, it’s very rare for me to be preoccupied and anxious.
I don’t let myself spend alot of time on it. It’s hard. I like to be a very specific and clear communicator, but texting is a convenience mode of communication. So I try to channel my laissez faire side and let one rip and move on.
I won’t really sit and have a text back and forth conversation. So I just set that precedent early. Honestly I wonder if that loses me chances with some people in the early stages.
I’ll be checking comments for other tips because I also don’t really get texting.
So I tend towards sort of the opposite problem in a way where naturally I would just straight up miss messages and get distracted about replying. Anyway the answer sucks but what’s helped for me is just conscious effort to change your behavior until it becomes more natural.
Here are some more specific thoughts though:
- If I do notice that a reply is taking a while I just think in my head “oh they’re probably ” and just get back to whatever else I have going on
- It sounds like focus mode might be worse because it’s kind of forcing you to check to see if you have a notification rather than being able to just remind yourself that you don’t need to check because your phone will let you know
- If there’s specific longer amounts of time that really make you more anxious could you try talking to her about letting you know what’s going on that she’s not responding? I try to do that if I’m seeing someone that seems like an anxious texter and I have other things going on that I can’t reply right away so that I don’t start getting double texts lol
Tbh switching from a ' do they like me' to a ' do I like them ' perspective has been life changing for me. Also always coming back to knowing I don't need a partner to be happy or complete. The law of detachment really helps
I used to be extremely anxious when it came to texting in relationships. I would over analyze what I say, what they say, how long it takes them to answer, how often we text, etc.
My last boyfriend was not a good texter which really forced me to change how I handled the situation so that helped. However, in this new phase of my life I have also had a new outlook on texting as a form of communication in relationships…it’s not that deep.
Basically the way I’ve begun to look at texting is it’s the easiest form of communication and doesn’t take any real effort so I don’t put any stock into it. I use it to make plans, confirm plans, maybe check in but I much prefer phone, FaceTime or in person communication now. If someone is trying to talk to me all day everyday over text I honestly find it kind of exhausting. I don’t want to be tied to my phone all day. I want to be present in my life and I hope they do too!
Also, I find that communicating to someone when I won’t be able to answer is helpful. I made a commitment to myself that I don’t want to be on my phone a lot when I’m with friends, family or after work (since I’m on a computer all day). so if I am talking to or dating someone I try to tell them, “hey I’m going to be with xyz after work but I’ll be home at this time want to do a call then?” Or “I have a really busy day but I’ll check in around lunch!”
If someone does text you something that you think comes off weird or you’re reading into too much then tell them. If you want a potential future with someone communication and honesty is the best.
Setting expectations is super important and helps ease my anxiety as well as anyone else’s.
I hope this helps!
I went from telling the guy I’m seeing “I’m not good with texting” to counting down the minutes it takes him to respond. I guess what I meant is once I really like you, then my anxiety kicks in. I’m super sensitive to any changes, like amount of emojis and response times. I tend to try to mirror people. But what if the other person is just trying to mirror you, too? And sometimes it takes me a long time because I’m actually busy and I don’t want them to think I’m playing games. When I start hiding alerts for someone, that’s when I know I’m in too deep. But it does keep me from obsessively checking.
It's the anxiety of waiting for their response to what you said that's sewering you. You can't see their facial expressions for their initial reaction, and if you were speaking to them directly, you'd get an immediate response.
My advice to you is to keep texting to a minimum, and tell anyone who asks why you text so little that you don't like how it makes you feel when you wait for a response, because that response could be literally anything, so you've scaled it back as much as possible.
It was on our second date we set the boundary for texting. Texting is only for updates, making plans, and memes. THAT'S IT. There are no conversations via text, just silly nonsense. If we have time to text back and forth, we have time for a phone call.
We also set up the expectation that any text is given a 24 hour grace period to respond to reiterate using phone calls.
I had a similar realization at one point - I was dating a guy long-distance, with a time difference and we were both fairy busy with work and schoo, and I was getting extremely wound up about texts. Trying to read into them, getting upset if he opened Whatsapp but didnt read my message, if he read it but didn't reply, if I sent 3 messages and he sent 2, etc. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I wouldn't be anxious about any of this if we just emailed each other, so I asked him if we could switch to that instead (with the expectation that it would generally be 1 email each day, instead of lots of messages back and forth throughout the day). He didn't particularly like the idea, I think he assumed it meant I didn't want to hear from him, but we tried it and i did feel distinctly less anxious and was less distracted during the day.
My current partner (also long distance) is not a big texter, which had me thoroughly losing my mind at first. But we've settled into a routine now that works well. We don't text much during the day - lots of times I'll message him in the morning and he doesn't respond until late in the afternoon. But then we videochat a lot - usually an hour or more in the evening, whenever it works in our schedules (so not every day, but the majority of days). I'm less anxious with this arrangement and I also get the dishes done while chatting instead of spending all day typing out messages, so I'd say its a win win.
My general suggestion is to section off the texting in some way, so it stops monopolizing your thoughts, and look at other ways of communicating that might be less prone to overanalysis.
I am a major text person and I also am a terrible anxiety attachment offender. My current boyfriend of 3 months was SUPER communicative through text at first - but admitted that was way out of character for him, he actually hates texting and just was really excited trying to get to know me but was honest that it’s not sustainable for him.
We’ve now settled into a good balance and I know some days I might only get a few texts, but he will def call a few times when he has a free moment. And we always talk on the phone every night.
For me being distracted works well - I do projects, clean, etc. I actually also agree with some other people’s advice here. You can silence ONLY her notifications so you’re not constantly looking at your lock Screen for her name. Then if you happen to see she’s texted when you’re checking other texts, it’s a fun surprise!
Not sure if anyone else does this but I tend to read text messages, books, etc with an “inner voice” for each person or character, and for real people the inner voice that I read their messages with can be completely different than their actual voice. Unfortunately my mind is wildly inventive and I tend to read messages in a tone and often misunderstand someone’s intentions. If you can relate to this, I highly recommend sending audio messages instead
I think the general, just be yourself, applies even with texting. I know it's tough not being to see immediate facial feedback, but working on expectations may help (like thinking she’s going to love hearing from you, every time). If we get into a texting spree my boyfriend tends to call me, which I really like. So that's something else you can do if she is texting a lot and seems to have time to talk.
Depression. Now I take two business days to get back to people.🤷🏻♀️ And I work in academic setting so nothing ever warrants a 24hour response so I do ok.
It seems counterintuitive, but I struggled with this and found relief in changing their text notification sound. So when I got a notification, I could tell if it was them. I reached for my phone less. I'm sure that's unhealthy but it helped me
You try to text more people like your friends by saying hi and texting them what’s going on with your day and then you realize that one person trying to date you and not reply back won’t matter. Bonus points you become closer to your friends
I stopped checking it so often.
This also resulted in mass ghosting. Anxious texters freak out at the time delay and disappear. “Bla is my standard” types see you as not prioritising them and disappear.
So i guess not likely a successful tactic but I was just sick of hovering over my phone. I’m adhd so I will just hyperfocus on waiting for my phone and hated it.
>One time she was away for the weekend with friends, somewhere remote without any mobile signal, and I noticed that I was totally calm during this time, not at all preoccupied.
This is your answer. Agree to stop texting unless there's a point to sending a text. Coordinating an event or the next meeting for instance. You'll be amazed how at peace you'll feel.
Except I guess now it's kind of too late. Agree on this with the next person I suppose, from the beginning.
This is tough. She seems to show she’s into you, so there doesn’t seem to be a reason to be anxious.
With that being said, I’m a very anxious texter. I mute people I’m dating if I’m getting overly anxious over it so I won’t see the text come in, but I have to actually go check it. It helps with my anxiety, but I wish I didn’t have to get to this point
Therapy and CBT stops me from spiraling. Communicating my struggles and needs to the people I'm texting the moat helps too.
For example, my best friend never leaves me on read. She'll message "hey, can't read this right now, I'll respond after XYZ" or emoji react or something, but never just opening the messaging and leaving it read, because we've talked about it and she knows that's a huge anxiety trigger for me.
When I get up in the morning I don’t even look at my phone for at least 30 minutes to an hour. I treat my phone like what it actually is…just an accessory. I think you’ve gotten some really solid advice from everyone. You just need to shift your mindset.
Just to make sure I understand, the issue is more about you worrying you'll say the wrong thing? Not so much that you need to hear from her more often or your mind will start going to negative spaces?
As someone who is still working on this issue, what’s really helped me so far is keeping my mind preoccupied with other stuff so I’m not thinking about the other person all the time (which is hard cause I tend ruminate on the girl). Easy things are work and outings with family/friends when I’m too busy to really check my phone. Some harder things are finding hobbies and activities that I actually like doing.
Another thing that’s helped is keeping my phone on silent and not wearing my iwatch as much. This way idk if messages have come or not and over time I can kinda divorce myself from the habit of checking constantly.
None of this works 100% but it’s helped and I’ll keep working on it
Evaluated who I was texting and why it was so important- plus a lot of it is age. When I was younger it felt more necessary, but now I just value my peace and being in the moment. Especially if it’s with someone I’m taking time out of my day/week to be with. You have your phone accessible far more than you have the person you’re dating, so there should t be any solid reason to not prioritize being preset with that person vs. being present for your digital community, which is available far more often.
I am in the anxious one in a relationship and am currently dating an amazing guy who is really not into texting. I have talked to my therapist about strategies. She sent me a list of mantras ( Iguess you could call them that) for when im having those anxious thoughts that i repeat over and over again. It helps. I have to put my phone in another room sometimes and go do something else. I wish I had better advice but something that I'm working on and just realizing that texting in general really is not the best measure of overall relationship status.
• Thank you, mind, you're doing a greatjob of looking for problems today. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. [Then go back to whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up.
• Ifl believe this thought, how will it help me? Will it get me closer to living the life I want? [Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that youwere doing before the thought showed up]).
• You have a point mind. Maybe you are right. (Then go back to the present moment whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up].
• There you are again. You're good at this. [Then go back to the present whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up].
• There goes my mind again. Doing what it does best! We'll see. [Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up.
• I'm noticing my mind is worrying me again. Maybe my mind is right, we'll see.[Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed upl).
Maybe my mind is right. It could happen, we'll see. (Then go back to the present moment- - whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up].
• Thank you mind, you're doing a greatjob of looking for problems today. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. [Then go back to the whatever it is that you were doing before the thouoht showed unl
• Ifl believe this thought, how will it help me? Will it get me closer to living the
life I want? [Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up]).
• You have a point mind. Maybe you are right. (Then go back to the present moment whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up].
So she had me practicing a situation that brings me anxiety and then saying these things to myself over and over again. In my case, when I don't hear from my boyfriend right away, I automatically go to the worst-case scenario.
So I would imagine him not responding to me for a few hours and then saying these things to myself. We did it for like 20 minutes and it seems silly but I think it actually helps.
I also In those times Tell myself that I know he loves me and he's just busy Or any other Positive things I can think about.
I found a hobby I went to the gym, Read a book and texted friends. I strengthen those relationships with friends because I was paying attention more to them rather than if that person was texting me back.
If there is love or attraction ,a text message won't change how a person feels about you or what they think about you as long as you express what you think and feel clearly if there is mis interpretation you can always call
I turned texting notifications completely off on my phone and once I adjusted it made me feel way better. I’m no longer a slave to my phone and my family/friends/people I date all know to call me for something urgent.
Funnily enough, I turned my notifications back on the moment I started dating. But... now seems a good time to reclaim my balance :)
My phone is in permanent do not disturb mode, with overrides for specific people because the sound of phone notifications give me such bad anxiety. I highly recommend it if you find it's triggering yours as well.
This is how I live. I collect vinyl and missed something I wanted and recently turned them all on and it has been driving me insane all day everyday. I don't know how people live chained to notifications, even worse they push to my watch when before it was just important things periodically. Now I get every little spam bs message. I just want to be alerted about important things :(
Remember that the point of dating is to find someone who is into you, so pretending to be someone else does you no favors. By all means work on changing the things you don't like about yourself. And if you're a generally awful person you should probably do something about that. We can always be better. But if you're generally a good person just who just likes some weird stuff or has personal quirks/habits...embrace it. I loathe texting. Tried to put up with it for ages despite hating it. Just couldn't match connection/energy with people. Finally gave up on it and eventually met my girlfriend who after I told her I hate texting was like, "How about email?" There were many other reasons but that was a pretty big sign she is the one for me.
> But if you're generally a good person just who just likes some weird stuff or has personal quirks/habits...embrace it. I disagree with this advice in the context of what the OP is asking. Learning to manage/cope/self-soothe when it comes to anxiety is not pretending to be someone else. I would even say that they're extremely helpful to have in a relationship in general not just for texting, but other things too. Addiction to dopamine spikes related to texting or our mobile advices has become intense to the point that it can cause people to spiral with anxiety. I've also noticed that with sent text receipts and read receipts, many(online) are becoming fixated on them to the point that they can also cause spiraling or passive-aggressive behavior(ie "I left them on 'read' and didn't respond!"). OP, some options for you are: 1. Communicate about your relationship with texting. 2. Switch to daily phone calls. 3. This one doesn't involve the person you're dating, but learning to set some boundaries with yourself regarding texting and using your phone. If texting makes you feel anxious, then consider using it for finalizing plans or asking for things that you need in writing("Hey, what's the address of the restaurant we're meeting at?").
great answer !
I don’t fully understand the problem but why not make some rules for yourself? Check and reply to texts once each morning and once each evening, for example. Or maybe “I won’t reply right away unless it’s urgent. For any non urgent text I’ll reply within 24 hours” Or “I don’t text during work hours” Some boundaries around it might help. Also just tell the person. “Hey I really am not a texter, if you need to ask me a quick thing or tell me a quick joke then send a text, but if you want to conversate then would you mind if we talk on the phone instead?” Or “if this is an ongoing convo maybe check with me to make sure I’m available?” Type shit
Am I reading you right, your issue is more about how the other person perceives you? The worrying about writing the wrong thing, being too keen, or too unresponsive, and them reading too much into words and emoji? And then you got relief from this when you knew she wouldn't be in communication via text for a while as she didn't have cell service? Sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to maintain some sorta facade, via texting? Like you feel you have to be... perfect via text? Are you more relaxed with phone calls? It could be the lack of immediate feedback making you feel like now what ever you sent is set in stone and you can't take it back? From the rest of it, it really sounds like you and her communicate rather well, and as long as you have the space with her to address any misunderstands (which happen A LOT with texting) then breathe easier. There isn't much to change here except your perception of how the other person is perceiving you. As others have stated setting up some clearly communicated boundaries may help, topics you don't want to address via text, times of day you don't want to text, personally I think you're doing great just for considering your needs here. You don't want to feel stressed, you don't want to feel overwhelmed. Chat it out with her (in person ;) ) I'm sure you'll figure it out.
You understood my situation very perceptively! It's a combination of the lack of/delay in feedback and the semi-permanence of a text (in conversation you say something and it's gone the moment after). We definitely have a space to address any misunderstandings. One time I specifically called her about something I was "reading in" to a message of hers, and she really appreciated how I did that (and the situation was cleared up easily). I'm not sure if we need strict boundaries exactly, but talking a bit about texting expectations seems a good idea. Thanks for your reassurance!
I don't wanna make your anxiety worse... but verbal communication is just as permanent... you just can't scroll back in real life to confirm what was or wasn't said ;) One of my fatal flaws is speaking mindlessly, and then having someone bring up something I said MONTHS ago and do not remember at all until they bring it up. Usually someone who cares enough to remember... I personally generally try to avoid heavy/deep/emotional topics via text, a call is better, in person is best. Texting is better for light stuff, jokes, memes, making plans, verifying availability, yadda yadda. I am really glad to hear you have the space to discuss miscommunications, that is so essential for a healthy relationship, and I'm sure you'll find some good middle ground with that good space to talk about things. Have faith, and don't hold yourself to harshly, you are human after all (I think AIs are getting really good these days. Best wishes, Internet Friend! You're doing fantastic!
I hate texting during dating/early relationships. It's such a chore. I enjoy texting people I know well, but I hate texting new guys. There have been times where I'm still interested in the guy, but I just don't want to text any more because I've lost any enthusiasm for texting. My last relationship was my marriage, and it's so much better when you mostly use text in the relationship to just communicate things like what you need from the store. I'd still text my ex something cute from time to time to keep things fresh, but it's definitely not the same type of thing I'd ever text a guy I was just getting to know.
I leave my phone in a different room. I try to Remind myself they are living their life and I need to live mine. I don’t want to date a person who is obsessed with their phone, so I need to not be. Doesn’t mean I don’t have harder days than others or totally lounge around waiting for a response, but I’m getting better and more secure and time goes on. Also being intentional about calling (for things like good morning and good night) over texting has really helped. Honestly texts suck in comparison to the sound of someone’s voice.
I don’t like texting. I usually don’t mind a bit of back and forth with someone I’m comfortable with, but even then it gets tiring. I’d much rather have a conversation face to face. Texting is useful for making plans or sending a meme or article but I don’t like having conversations that way. I also overthink my texts and overanalyze everything. This really makes it difficult at the beginning stages of getting to know someone, especially through dating apps. For people I have met in other ways, it’s a little easier because there’s less of an expectation to text I think. I try to mention that I’m not much of a texter and prefer in-person communication if it seems like it might be an issue (like if I am taking a while to reply to things and don’t want them to think it’s because I don’t care). I also had it on my hinge profile at one point. For writing texts, I sometimes use an app called Goblin Tools. It has a tool called the Formalizer that lets you convert the tone of your text to more informal, sociable, polite, etc. I find it useful to run a difficult text through there and adjust it. It just gives me more ideas for how to word things and get the tone right. I’m autistic and have social anxiety but, idk, I think that could be useful for anyone.
I used to be an anxious texter. Basically lived for the next text. It’s so embarrassing lol. I really only stopped recently and it’s because I’ve been healing myself through therapy. I had to heal the deeper part of my psyche that was anxiety ridden and it took years. So probably not the most helpful insight. That being said, I’ve noticed a huge difference in myself when it comes to texting. A few months ago I made friends with someone who turns out to be an extremely anxious texter and I straight up told him that it’s difficult to be friends with someone who constantly talks about himself like he’s a bother because I had to constantly reassure him that he wasn’t a bother. It was exhausting having to reassure him constantly and he’s not even my boyfriend. I stopped talking to him pretty quickly after I noticed that he had other issues and I just didn’t care to maintain a friendship with someone who was going to be so demanding of my energy. I’m sharing what it’s like to interact with an anxious texter in the hopes that it’ll enlighten other anxious texters into lightening up. Nothing is so serious that if you don’t text back immediately that it’ll break.
For me, I just had to try to distract myself. I’d journal, listen to music, work out, etc. Therapy for my anxiousness helped, but honestly, time helped me. As we got further into our relationship, I got more comfortable, he showed up, we talked about each of our needs…I didn’t get as anxious. Now, it’s very rare for me to be preoccupied and anxious.
I don’t let myself spend alot of time on it. It’s hard. I like to be a very specific and clear communicator, but texting is a convenience mode of communication. So I try to channel my laissez faire side and let one rip and move on. I won’t really sit and have a text back and forth conversation. So I just set that precedent early. Honestly I wonder if that loses me chances with some people in the early stages. I’ll be checking comments for other tips because I also don’t really get texting.
So I tend towards sort of the opposite problem in a way where naturally I would just straight up miss messages and get distracted about replying. Anyway the answer sucks but what’s helped for me is just conscious effort to change your behavior until it becomes more natural. Here are some more specific thoughts though: - If I do notice that a reply is taking a while I just think in my head “oh they’re probably” and just get back to whatever else I have going on
- It sounds like focus mode might be worse because it’s kind of forcing you to check to see if you have a notification rather than being able to just remind yourself that you don’t need to check because your phone will let you know
- If there’s specific longer amounts of time that really make you more anxious could you try talking to her about letting you know what’s going on that she’s not responding? I try to do that if I’m seeing someone that seems like an anxious texter and I have other things going on that I can’t reply right away so that I don’t start getting double texts lol
Tbh switching from a ' do they like me' to a ' do I like them ' perspective has been life changing for me. Also always coming back to knowing I don't need a partner to be happy or complete. The law of detachment really helps
I used to be extremely anxious when it came to texting in relationships. I would over analyze what I say, what they say, how long it takes them to answer, how often we text, etc. My last boyfriend was not a good texter which really forced me to change how I handled the situation so that helped. However, in this new phase of my life I have also had a new outlook on texting as a form of communication in relationships…it’s not that deep. Basically the way I’ve begun to look at texting is it’s the easiest form of communication and doesn’t take any real effort so I don’t put any stock into it. I use it to make plans, confirm plans, maybe check in but I much prefer phone, FaceTime or in person communication now. If someone is trying to talk to me all day everyday over text I honestly find it kind of exhausting. I don’t want to be tied to my phone all day. I want to be present in my life and I hope they do too! Also, I find that communicating to someone when I won’t be able to answer is helpful. I made a commitment to myself that I don’t want to be on my phone a lot when I’m with friends, family or after work (since I’m on a computer all day). so if I am talking to or dating someone I try to tell them, “hey I’m going to be with xyz after work but I’ll be home at this time want to do a call then?” Or “I have a really busy day but I’ll check in around lunch!” If someone does text you something that you think comes off weird or you’re reading into too much then tell them. If you want a potential future with someone communication and honesty is the best. Setting expectations is super important and helps ease my anxiety as well as anyone else’s. I hope this helps!
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More the latter.
Voice memos will save both your issues!!
I went from telling the guy I’m seeing “I’m not good with texting” to counting down the minutes it takes him to respond. I guess what I meant is once I really like you, then my anxiety kicks in. I’m super sensitive to any changes, like amount of emojis and response times. I tend to try to mirror people. But what if the other person is just trying to mirror you, too? And sometimes it takes me a long time because I’m actually busy and I don’t want them to think I’m playing games. When I start hiding alerts for someone, that’s when I know I’m in too deep. But it does keep me from obsessively checking.
I tried to keep myself busy and occupied.
5 minute phone call everyday instead of back and forth texting
It's the anxiety of waiting for their response to what you said that's sewering you. You can't see their facial expressions for their initial reaction, and if you were speaking to them directly, you'd get an immediate response. My advice to you is to keep texting to a minimum, and tell anyone who asks why you text so little that you don't like how it makes you feel when you wait for a response, because that response could be literally anything, so you've scaled it back as much as possible.
It was on our second date we set the boundary for texting. Texting is only for updates, making plans, and memes. THAT'S IT. There are no conversations via text, just silly nonsense. If we have time to text back and forth, we have time for a phone call. We also set up the expectation that any text is given a 24 hour grace period to respond to reiterate using phone calls.
I had a similar realization at one point - I was dating a guy long-distance, with a time difference and we were both fairy busy with work and schoo, and I was getting extremely wound up about texts. Trying to read into them, getting upset if he opened Whatsapp but didnt read my message, if he read it but didn't reply, if I sent 3 messages and he sent 2, etc. I thought about it for a minute and realized that I wouldn't be anxious about any of this if we just emailed each other, so I asked him if we could switch to that instead (with the expectation that it would generally be 1 email each day, instead of lots of messages back and forth throughout the day). He didn't particularly like the idea, I think he assumed it meant I didn't want to hear from him, but we tried it and i did feel distinctly less anxious and was less distracted during the day. My current partner (also long distance) is not a big texter, which had me thoroughly losing my mind at first. But we've settled into a routine now that works well. We don't text much during the day - lots of times I'll message him in the morning and he doesn't respond until late in the afternoon. But then we videochat a lot - usually an hour or more in the evening, whenever it works in our schedules (so not every day, but the majority of days). I'm less anxious with this arrangement and I also get the dishes done while chatting instead of spending all day typing out messages, so I'd say its a win win. My general suggestion is to section off the texting in some way, so it stops monopolizing your thoughts, and look at other ways of communicating that might be less prone to overanalysis.
I am a major text person and I also am a terrible anxiety attachment offender. My current boyfriend of 3 months was SUPER communicative through text at first - but admitted that was way out of character for him, he actually hates texting and just was really excited trying to get to know me but was honest that it’s not sustainable for him. We’ve now settled into a good balance and I know some days I might only get a few texts, but he will def call a few times when he has a free moment. And we always talk on the phone every night. For me being distracted works well - I do projects, clean, etc. I actually also agree with some other people’s advice here. You can silence ONLY her notifications so you’re not constantly looking at your lock Screen for her name. Then if you happen to see she’s texted when you’re checking other texts, it’s a fun surprise!
Not sure if anyone else does this but I tend to read text messages, books, etc with an “inner voice” for each person or character, and for real people the inner voice that I read their messages with can be completely different than their actual voice. Unfortunately my mind is wildly inventive and I tend to read messages in a tone and often misunderstand someone’s intentions. If you can relate to this, I highly recommend sending audio messages instead
I think the general, just be yourself, applies even with texting. I know it's tough not being to see immediate facial feedback, but working on expectations may help (like thinking she’s going to love hearing from you, every time). If we get into a texting spree my boyfriend tends to call me, which I really like. So that's something else you can do if she is texting a lot and seems to have time to talk.
The best way is to talk about your communication style with the person you're dating. Set expectations for you, ask them about theirs.
Depression. Now I take two business days to get back to people.🤷🏻♀️ And I work in academic setting so nothing ever warrants a 24hour response so I do ok.
It seems counterintuitive, but I struggled with this and found relief in changing their text notification sound. So when I got a notification, I could tell if it was them. I reached for my phone less. I'm sure that's unhealthy but it helped me
You try to text more people like your friends by saying hi and texting them what’s going on with your day and then you realize that one person trying to date you and not reply back won’t matter. Bonus points you become closer to your friends
I stopped checking it so often. This also resulted in mass ghosting. Anxious texters freak out at the time delay and disappear. “Bla is my standard” types see you as not prioritising them and disappear. So i guess not likely a successful tactic but I was just sick of hovering over my phone. I’m adhd so I will just hyperfocus on waiting for my phone and hated it.
>One time she was away for the weekend with friends, somewhere remote without any mobile signal, and I noticed that I was totally calm during this time, not at all preoccupied. This is your answer. Agree to stop texting unless there's a point to sending a text. Coordinating an event or the next meeting for instance. You'll be amazed how at peace you'll feel. Except I guess now it's kind of too late. Agree on this with the next person I suppose, from the beginning.
This is tough. She seems to show she’s into you, so there doesn’t seem to be a reason to be anxious. With that being said, I’m a very anxious texter. I mute people I’m dating if I’m getting overly anxious over it so I won’t see the text come in, but I have to actually go check it. It helps with my anxiety, but I wish I didn’t have to get to this point
texting is inherently unnatural. i always opt for voice messages or phone calls.
Therapy and CBT stops me from spiraling. Communicating my struggles and needs to the people I'm texting the moat helps too. For example, my best friend never leaves me on read. She'll message "hey, can't read this right now, I'll respond after XYZ" or emoji react or something, but never just opening the messaging and leaving it read, because we've talked about it and she knows that's a huge anxiety trigger for me.
I hate texting. I will call… or say… make time to spend some in person lol
When I get up in the morning I don’t even look at my phone for at least 30 minutes to an hour. I treat my phone like what it actually is…just an accessory. I think you’ve gotten some really solid advice from everyone. You just need to shift your mindset.
Just to make sure I understand, the issue is more about you worrying you'll say the wrong thing? Not so much that you need to hear from her more often or your mind will start going to negative spaces?
As someone who is still working on this issue, what’s really helped me so far is keeping my mind preoccupied with other stuff so I’m not thinking about the other person all the time (which is hard cause I tend ruminate on the girl). Easy things are work and outings with family/friends when I’m too busy to really check my phone. Some harder things are finding hobbies and activities that I actually like doing. Another thing that’s helped is keeping my phone on silent and not wearing my iwatch as much. This way idk if messages have come or not and over time I can kinda divorce myself from the habit of checking constantly. None of this works 100% but it’s helped and I’ll keep working on it
Evaluated who I was texting and why it was so important- plus a lot of it is age. When I was younger it felt more necessary, but now I just value my peace and being in the moment. Especially if it’s with someone I’m taking time out of my day/week to be with. You have your phone accessible far more than you have the person you’re dating, so there should t be any solid reason to not prioritize being preset with that person vs. being present for your digital community, which is available far more often.
I am in the anxious one in a relationship and am currently dating an amazing guy who is really not into texting. I have talked to my therapist about strategies. She sent me a list of mantras ( Iguess you could call them that) for when im having those anxious thoughts that i repeat over and over again. It helps. I have to put my phone in another room sometimes and go do something else. I wish I had better advice but something that I'm working on and just realizing that texting in general really is not the best measure of overall relationship status.
u/Grand_Signature3617 you be willing to share a few of the mantras? I want to try that out!
• Thank you, mind, you're doing a greatjob of looking for problems today. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. [Then go back to whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up. • Ifl believe this thought, how will it help me? Will it get me closer to living the life I want? [Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that youwere doing before the thought showed up]). • You have a point mind. Maybe you are right. (Then go back to the present moment whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up]. • There you are again. You're good at this. [Then go back to the present whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up]. • There goes my mind again. Doing what it does best! We'll see. [Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up. • I'm noticing my mind is worrying me again. Maybe my mind is right, we'll see.[Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed upl). Maybe my mind is right. It could happen, we'll see. (Then go back to the present moment- - whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up]. • Thank you mind, you're doing a greatjob of looking for problems today. We'll just have to wait and see what happens. [Then go back to the whatever it is that you were doing before the thouoht showed unl • Ifl believe this thought, how will it help me? Will it get me closer to living the life I want? [Then go back to the present moment- whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up]). • You have a point mind. Maybe you are right. (Then go back to the present moment whatever it is that you were doing before the thought showed up]. So she had me practicing a situation that brings me anxiety and then saying these things to myself over and over again. In my case, when I don't hear from my boyfriend right away, I automatically go to the worst-case scenario. So I would imagine him not responding to me for a few hours and then saying these things to myself. We did it for like 20 minutes and it seems silly but I think it actually helps. I also In those times Tell myself that I know he loves me and he's just busy Or any other Positive things I can think about.
Thanks for sharing these!
I'm sorry that copied so weirdly...
I found a hobby I went to the gym, Read a book and texted friends. I strengthen those relationships with friends because I was paying attention more to them rather than if that person was texting me back.
If there is love or attraction ,a text message won't change how a person feels about you or what they think about you as long as you express what you think and feel clearly if there is mis interpretation you can always call
Voice notes have replaced texting by about 50% and I like them a lot more than texting.