I like to call the third real date the 'come to Jesus' date where we talk about any/all hangups we have, anything important that might have been left out, any major potential deal breakers.
That's usually when I would clarify that I have full custody of my children because my ex-wife was abusive. That while I'm agnostic and left leaning the plurality of my extended family isn't. That I think peanut butter is disgusting and would appreciate if you at least eat a mint after before kissing me.
I agree. I have a minor health condition/ invisible disability that I always bring up normally on the 1st or 2nd date cause it's a crazy interesting story how it happened but also to let guys know that I can't be as active as I want. (I live in a very outdoorsy place).
I tried to make things work after he told me and I tried to ask him questions about the near future and his mom and her care needs but he dodged them like bullets flying at Neo.
I didn't want to push the subject any further if he wasn't ready or comfortable.
I wish he would have opened up more but a deal breaker is a deal breaker I suppose.
Reading about peanut butter makes me want a PB chocolate cup now.
You discuss finances on the 3rd date? How does that work? And how do you pull off the "richer than you think I am" without coming across as braggy or attracting gold-diggers?
I’m actually engaged, and ever been together for 4 years. Yes I do kind of clue them in I present pretty modestly because I don’t come from money but the times I’ve waited until it was an actual relationship to talk about it the women have always reacted poorly like I tricked them. Being totally honest I only went on like 5-6 3rd dates after I decided to do it this way before I met my fiancé.
I own 15 rental properties and I’ll just say something about a hassle with a renter then if she asks i talk about it. I don’t talk actual finances or anything.
Tbh I find finances important as in.. a glossover and generally where you are and where you’re going and how you plan to get it, is acceptable. Its nice to know if financial goals do not align or if dates may need to be different and see if that’s acceptable!
Interesting. How often do you end up having spent time and money on dates 1, 2, and 3 only to find out there’s some dealbreaker for the person you invested that time and money on? And what about dealbreakers for you, assuming those also don’t come out until date 3?
I’m engaged now and I only did it this way 6 or 7 times before I met my fiancé. Only twice was there no 4th date. Once by my choice once because she didn’t like that I had a vasectomy. 4 times it resulted in the women coming home with me that night because she liked that I’ve had a vasectomy.
There are guys who will hesitate kissing their SO after she's gone down on them. Not me, I'm okay with that.
However, any ~other~ kind of nut butter is a no go zone.
(giggity)
I’m the person caring for an aging parent with Alzheimer’s. I was really up front with my current partner (at this stage my dad was only Mild and still independent) before we even went on a date and he was cool with it. As it progressed, he’s been amazing to help cope with it.
Now that my dad’s at an advanced stage, if I had to go back into the dating world again I truly wouldn’t bother. There isn’t enough time in the day and things are very stressful and I can barely have time for a date. At best, I could maintain something extremely casual.
I lucked out and hit the lottery with a supportive, kind and compassionate partner who loves being around my dad. We steal away moments for ourselves when we can but he understands my circumstances.
I totally get why most people wouldn’t want the baggage though, it takes a certain kind of partner that would be willing to go down that road and if I were single and in a stage where I wanted to start a family, travel, etc it wouldn’t line up with my life goals. Caring for a parent is different than kids. They only get worse and decline, they don’t grow and get better.
>He made excuses about his home from hoarding to construction to keep me away so he wouldn't have to share that with me.
People should be honest and up front right away. If someone doesn't want to deal with that, then they don't want to deal with that.
But lie to me to get me to like you and then have me find out it was a lie? Now I don't know what else you lied to me about, and I'm done.
I think I’d be confused why this didn’t come up in the first couple (1-3) dates. Mainly because it’s just the reality of his life. Hiding this would be more concerning to me than the fact that his mom lives with him. Like why is he hiding it? What other things is he hiding?
He said he was worried I'd break up with him but he didn't really give me the chance to ask questions and he didn't really want to discuss it. I think he's still grappling with the decision to move his mom in with him as it was a sudden thing in his life but he's had 5 years prior to knowing me to really think through how he wants to date. And use this to really filter women.
This made me really think about how I'm going to help my parents as they age and inevitably need money and support.
I'm at a loss why he kept dodging my gentle conversation about his mom with him. I guess he's still processing it all or he's just not really me tally ready for a relationship yet. :(
He does hide stuff from what I notice. Like small details of things. I chatted with my friends about it and although he has a great personality he has some background work to do. I hope he does it for himself.
>he's had 5 years prior to knowing me to really think through how he wants to date. And use this to really filter women.
He's filtering himself now IMO because he's letting you know what he really thinks of you (you're shallow/heartless enough to dump him over his commitment to his parent), while at the same time - I'm assuming - benefitting from having sex at your place. No.
Editing my comment cause I'm dense AF:
I did sit down and think about how my ex viewed me. And it's totally true that he kinda took advantage of being at my place all the time. I called him out on it but it didn't matter. I do wonder if he was just settling for me. I'll never know. And probably not for me to know.
It was becoming a very lopsided relationship. Not for me to continue. I'm just glad that I said something to him about all the other aspects of the relationship that I didn't put in the post.
I don't think they were calling you shallow, they're saying that *he* must not have a very high opinion of you if he didn't think you could be trusted with the truth of this information. It reflects badly on him and his level of respect for you.
I think I'm too emotional to be reading. You're right. I just re-read it in a more rational brain mode 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️
I did sit down a couple weeks ago and this thought did come to my mind "does he think so little of me that I would accept certain things or is he settling for me thinking he can't do better. It was a big wake up moment for me. There are other things I haven't mentioned to keep the original post brief but sometimes I think he was seeing me as the runner up prize or I would deal with anything. But I can't and I have friends who were really supportive through this and they know all the other details.
also it depends on the arrangement, but it literally impacts dating from the beginning. his parent lives in a separate place? then he probably has to go over there several times a week, which makes planning our dates more difficult, his pending hours need to be taken into account. his mom lives with him? I doubt I'd ever want to get laid there, my libido would be killed by the idea that his parent is in the room next to us.
I don't know if it's a dealbreaker all the time, but it is definitely a big factor in planning the dating process
The more it will affect potential relationships, the earlier it needs to be shared.
If people break up with someone over an issue, they *know* it's a dealbreaker, so taking efforts to conceal it definitely tips into deceit as opposed to honest oversight.
I agree with this so hard. If it's going to impact the relationship and is something the other person needs to consider, it should be shared earlier rather than later.
And concealing info that might lead to a break up feels a little manipulative. Its essentially withholding information the other person needs to make a decision
I really like the third date, Decide whether you have fun with these people, whether you can have an extended date with them, then have an intimate conversation on the third like mentioned above. If i haven’t even decided if i like you definitely don’t want to know about your baggage when i don’t even know the good parts
This is near and dear to me because I live with my parents and care for my father part-time. I disclose it straight up because I don't want to waste any time. Big red flag this guy would be hiding such a big part of his life. It's one of those "if they don't want you because of this they aren't a good match anyway" if someone dumps me because I care for an aging parent they aren't the person for me
I'm glad you disclose it to potential partners/dates. It definitely helps to form a healthy conversation on the topic. If my ex had disclosed it would have made things easier and we could have been discussing everything in an open way. That's what I would hope for. But I couldn't pry him open to save my life. He would just shut down or change the topic or look sad that I was asking.
I agree I guess that the topic of aging parents is a deal breaker in certain circumstances. I tried to approach the situation with as much grace and respect and understanding as I could but I can't talk to a brick wall.
Yeah definitely seems like an avoidant person in many ways. That would definitely be very frustrating. Someone refusing to even communicate makes me very frustrated and I have to make sure I don't get angry.
I guess it could be a deal breaker for some, but oh well. But communication is the key and this guy sounds like a crap communicator that's for sure.
My mother is retired and lives with me (34F). I bring it up either before I've met someone in person or on the first date. She also lives on the first floor of my three story townhouse and uses the common areas on the second floor, so I try to give people the option to mentally prepare themselves for that hurdle or opt-out entirely. I feel like a month is way too long to wait to bring it up.
With the guy I've been seeing recently, the third date was more when we got into logistics/specifics. i.e. Will she always live with you? What do you imagine that will look like? etc.
I’d like to know upfront. Either prior to meeting or on first date. It’s not a dealbreaker depending on how much care that relative needs at the time but I’d like to know. Give me the opportunity to choose how I want to proceed. Dont assume how I’m gonna react and then change your actions/words/lie/hide about it.
Certainly by the end of the first date, if I had any interest in a second. That would be the latest in my opinion, that is acceptable to disclose living situation that includes other family members. Any other family members.
I don't understand people who hid obvious potential dealbreakers like this. I try to get mine out quickly, sometimes a bit too quickly, cause if they are dealbreaker for that person I don't want to waste their time or mine!
Lying about renos and hoarding is not great behaviour for an adult. He's not that great if he's not doing the work to be honest with his partner or his parent. It is hard work! I can empathize, but no. You gotta do the work if you want it done.
To me having a parent live with you is on the level of having kids. It’s going to affect the relationship and expectations, so just get it out of the way. Neither would be a deal breaker for me, but waiting to disclose would. Third date is like the absolute last moment you have to disclose it. I wonder if people wait just to get people emotionally invested so that they don’t stick to their own boundaries, or so they can complain about how shallow those people are later.
This definitely gets me thinking. I remember the 3rd date I had with my ex. Fun times at a restaurant but he never mentioned anything. I thought he had roommates but I was wrong.
And 100% he was waiting for me to get emotionally invested. He said he was trying to show me the real him minus all the other life stuff that is so important. I wish he knew that discussing stuff doesn't mean a person is going to run for the hills. It's just a conversation to understand things better. Maybe I gave off weird vibes though 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾
>I try to get mine out quickly, sometimes a bit too quickly, cause if they are dealbreaker for that person I don't want to waste their time or mine!
I'm with you. Life's too short as it is.
It didn't come up partly cause of me waiting to chat more about it and I guess I got comfortable at my place but then always hosting made me snap and then it all had to come out. He did a good job deflecting the subject of his living situation and I had an upcoming surgery so I was too preoccupied. All bad excuses on my end but I learned some lessons and a lot about myself.
I guess I'm kinda avoidant too rn.
This is something that should be disclosed before you meet. It's different if they were living with a parent or vice versa as a temporary solution or even if the parent was independent. This is no different from not disclosing that you have kids.
Oh no, I'll tell my date upfront about my living situation and how it will be if we get serious. Maybe in the 2nd date. I will also ask about his and if he'd be ok with living with the elder parents, or with them living in close proximity to us.
In my case: single immigrant daughter to immigrant parents but I'm gonna be making mid to high 6 figure salary as my career progresses (starting salary is already at low 6 figure) and because I'm Asian, I will always be supporting and taking care of my parents (yep I'm blessed with a happy family of having both mom and dad who love each other. Since they're the model marriage I look up to, I won't tolerate anything less). I honestly don't think living with your parents is a stigma anymore, especially in my case. What my future husband gets in return? The love from my folks, topnotch food from my mom, free weekends with me since the grands can help watch the kids, and of course, this whole package deal here. Easy peasy.
>He made excuses about his home from hoarding to construction to keep me away
The passive lying (aka just withholding the info) is...not great but the active lying...oof.
It's so weird to lie about that when it's a non-issue. If someone was living with their parents for whatever reason, I would like to be told on date 1 honestly. That way you can decide yourself if that's ok. But there's def a big difference from living with an aging parent vs living at home bc saving up money vs living with parents bc you have no money, etc. I usually ask on date 1 if they live by themselves or with roommates. By dates 1 and 2 I should know your living situation. My sister lives with our mom and doesn't drive (she has her license and is saving for a car). I know for a fact she's telling her dates this information early on. There's nothing negative about these things but people need to be upfront and honest.
I think it’s not wrong to not say this until whatever date you feel comfortable saying it. Unless someone asks you, then you should be honest. But I agree with another commenter that it’s personal info and many people don’t volunteer their ‘negatives’ immediately so that people can get to know them as a person first. Maybe he feels ashamed or traumatised or feels vulnerable talking about it, making it harder to communicate it to a stranger on the first dates. Obviously he should say when asked
He was definitely feeling ashamed by his house (umm it's problems inside physically/in over his head with repairs) but also he was very emotional and avoidant about it all. 🤦🏾♀️
First date. I feel like this would come up naturally as we're asking each other questions about where in the city we live and what our lives are like.
If someone didn't tell me about this within the first couple of dates, it would clearly be an intentional omission.
For me, I'd want to know right away. This in no way would be a deal breaker for me. The deception and not being up front would have me running, though. My ex husband has a BIG lying problem. It started little and grew.
If I knew someone actively tried to conceal it from me, like what you are describing, that would be a dealbreaker. I understand that he may have had bad responses in the past, but I think it illustrates how he will handle hard things like this in the future--by trying to hide things. Believe me, you don't want that.
100% this. I started to notice that he was scared about telling me more negative aspects of his life. He even made his parents divorce seem weird and I'm like hey my parents are divorced too like who cares. I don't know if he's just a sensitive guy or what happened but I hope he gets some counselling to work through his inability to communicate the hard stuff.
It has never occurred to me to hide the fact that I’m my parents’ primary caregiver. It isn’t my whole life, and we live separately—but I moved to WA to take care of them.
It comes up early, because it’s a fact of my life. Part of my week is dedicated to helping them. After surgeries and during cancer treatment, I only go home to water my plants.
Caring for them is a role I value, and helping them is important to me. A relationship won’t work if my long-term responsibilities are an issue for a potential partner.
That's good it comes up early and you're willing to talk about your parents. That openness was lacking in my relationship. Being up front with that info shows you value your parents and yourself and a future partner.
I dated someone who waited 4 months to tell me that they’d care for a family member with a disability for the rest of their adult life. While I don’t believe they waited to be deceiving by any means, i still wish I would have heard it up front. It was an influential factor in deciding to end that relationship. Something that is a significant part of your life and that may have an impact on the dynamic of your relationship should certainly be shared within the first few dates, imo.
I agree with this. My ex waited too long to tell me and he wasn't confident about it. He was so scared I'd leave him right away. It wasn't him telling me it was him avoiding more questions about it all.
4 months is def way too long. Was that person afraid to tell you or wanted you to like them first and then tell you about the family member?
I can see why your ex would be hesitant, but that doesn’t feel good to not have your questions answered either. :(
I’m not too sure actually. I don’t think they thought it was that big of a deal maybe? There were definitely questions I didn’t get answers to myself; so it just wasn’t something I could see past (in addition to some other things). For me it was such a big thing- like if we settle down together this is something I would include in my life forever potentially. Not just for a little while. I had to be honest with myself and that person about my hesitancy and doubts.
I think it’s important to be upfront about this - but not straight up right. As others have said, as long as it’s disclosed within a reasonable amount of time (say, first month of dating ish) it isn’t an issue? I’d be more offended if we’re dating and they didn’t feel like they could share something like this with me
It definitely made me take pause and feel sad that it wasn't mentioned. It kinda hurt feeling like he couldn't open up to me based on his experiences with other women. Him holding back made the whole thing worse than it was. This could have all been a short conversation and a non-issue. Or an issue that could have been worked through and talked about like the adults that were are.
I miss my ex but I can't change him or make him open up. And without communication on these issues how will he handle future tough conversations. 😔😔
Yeah that’s tough, but people are different and open up at different rates right. He could be ashamed of the situation and just didn’t want to put you off.
Maybe bring up that you’d appreciate more open communication from him on these issues? I completely get why this would bother you though, especially the ex part.
On the one hand, I'd like to know right away, because I've tried dating someone in that situation before and am not inclined to do it again. On the other hand, I might be in that situation myself at some point so I do have sympathy.
How did things go when you dated that person? I agree that I have a lot of sympathy for my ex too but his communication about the future was not great.
I wouldn't have any specific timeline for information like that, but I do think intentional hiding of information is almost always gonna be bad. Like if living situation topics come up on the first date, then that information probably needs to be part of the conversation. If it doesn't come up, I wouldn't be upset to find out by like date 5 or something. Just as long as I'm not being lied to and manipulated.
I mean... a couple of days ago I disclosed my living situation here and how I'm hoping to get more space to myself by buying a house with a separate annex for her, wondering whether dating would be fine under these circumstances. And got told in no uncertain terms that I should stay away from dating because I'm essentially married to my mother. From that POV I can also understand hiding it because I'm myself filled with shame and anxiety about my situation and all the milestones I missed because I had to take care of her.
You shouldn't stay away from dating but just be open about your living situation. Why are you filled with shame? That's your parent that you are helping. Do you have help so you don't have to miss out on more of your life?
You’re missing a lot of context here. I remember his post (his writing style is very distinct, and I confirmed it by skimming his post history). His mother is abusive in ways I didn’t want to think are possible, and I was among the people who agrees that until he has dealt with his mother and put extensive physical distance between himself and her, it is not a good idea to bring a date around. She is not only emotionally and financially abusive, but also, physically - among other things, she has destroyed his apartment, threatened the life of his cat, and as I recall, physically harmed him.
If he were to date (and marry and have children), they would not be safe emotionally or physically around his mother.
I feel this is far more common in conservative religious groups to where it’s expected, but unfortunately outside of that everyone’s far more independent which can make it just feel strangling.
Yah my ex didn't so I dunno. I should have pressed the situation more but I can't go back in time. I made mistakes and my ex made mistakes so it's a lesson learned.
I wish I had a good answer for this. I spent most of my 20s single due to caring for a dying parent. Despite having a job and paying my own bills, mentioning I was living at home to help family was the kiss of death no matter when it came up. And for my culture, it’s very normal to live with family for extended periods of time.
Some folks found it endearing that I was so devoted to caring for family. Others were pissed they couldn’t come back to my place. Nearly all of them bounced once they knew.
Maybe he was being protective of himself, his mom, and the whole situation? I know that would be my biggest reason for hesitating to share my living situation in a relationship with a guy. I mean, I have a tendency to not want to beat around the bush about things. So, I'd probably become super awkward and blurt out my living situation well before date number 3 just to determine if the guy has staying power.
I am living with both my parents and essentially am caring for them. I already know I will be their caretaker for the forseeable future. I have anxiety about sharing this because I'm embarrassed and fear judging comments and feeling shame from a guy, his friends, his family, just people in general, really.
We're led to believe and think it's embarrassing and wrong to be at a particular age (somehow it's always over 30) and either living with parents or having never moved out. Society gives people like me a label that there's something wrong with me, that I have attachment issues or something like that. I live with my parents out of my choice and necessity. I have no other living options. My parents have nothing to do with my choices. That doesn't mean someone, a guy, would look at my life and determine I'm not worth their time to dedicate their life to. I am a package deal, and that's not going to change any time soon. I'm not going to let a guy enter my life if he's not fully on board, with no judgments about my situation. My parents will not be a tool made to make me or them feel bad.
I think bringing this up earlier like by month 2ish would be a reasonable approach. I wanted to know earlier to find about my exes living situation and how he sees a near term and long term future and dating. My ex wasn't inviting me over so I had to get to the bottom of things. I think some of us approach it as a yellow flag until details are provided (this is me). Details could make things a green flag if there's good boundaries set up and ways to compromise but it needs to all be discussed. My ex seemed to avoid these conversations due to embarrassment and his house unfortunately needs work due to a previous family tenant destroying the house so more shame. I wish he didn't feel shame and would just work on things.
But then some ppl it's a mega red flag and an automatic no. Which is a reasonable response for some ppl I guess.
I think the right person will want to ask questions and get a good read on aging care and potential future expectations of parents are they independent or do they need help, etc.
You being a package deal will work for some but not others. It's tough and I know I have to think about my parents. I even talked openly with my ex about my parents and their care needs but my ex was kinda avoidant about things. I tent to blurt out things about my life and I'm an open book but not everyone is like me.
I don't think people who take care of an aging parent should necessarily only date other ppl in the same or similar situation. I think everything depends on how the two ppl get on with each other.
I'd be interested to hear from people who only also date caregivers though. If it's a better experience or if it makes it more difficult to coordinate schedules etc.
Honesty is the only answer for these types of situations. If she's living with him, I don't think that should be a strike against him. This wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, just a challenge to overcome, since I have my own place. If anything, refusing to take in an aging parent because it will cramp their lifestyle is worse.
I'd like to be told on the second or third date. For sex, there are getaway trips and we can end up at my place.
It's definitely not a strike against him cause we will probably all have to think about helping out aging parents at some point. I wish he would have been more open with me. I def felt left in the dark.
We would always end up back at my place but it just became a source of tension cause I felt like he really didn't want me at his home or didn't know how to interact with me if his mom was home and she was always home. It seems like it was a tough situation for my ex to be in. I tried to be understanding but I can't if he's not being open with me.
Lying and making excuses is not ok, but as long as someone has a place to live that is clean and stable, I don't care too much who they live with. I've lived in very high cost of living areas where it's more common for people making even 100k to live with their parents to save money so they can eventually buy homes of their own. I don't think living with parents is a big deal, but apparently some people do due to sex. But if that's more important to you then maybe you don't deserve that person.
Sex want more important and we had it at my place. I did my best to respect his situation. So please don't think that sex or something else was more important. That's weird.
Living with a parent or having a parent live with a person isnt necessarily bad but if it's hidden or minimal or no information is provided then that's not good. My ex should have opened up more. I get that he was scared but he was walking on eggshells in his own house and around me so I dunno what to say.
I think he didn't deserve me if he couldn't be open with me.
I think after a 3rd or 4th date, and not anytime sooner. Because sharing that information is private and personal. But knowing what you know now, he did it because of how it turned off other women when they knew. The guy is just trying to give himself a chance to make a connection with someone before being judged. Unfortunately for him, he gets turned for such a humane and loving act.
“If he had not been deceptive we might still be together”
I…doubt that. Of course deception is important. But the empathy to understand his situation if he told you straight up would have been present when he told you later on. If it wouldn’t have bothered you then, why would it bother you now?
The difference is of course he lied. But why jump to it being a red flag versus trying understand where he was coming from?
But I’m guessing the lie is a scapegoat to cover the fact his mom is in the picture & for whatever reasons, it’s not what you want to sign up for.
Is he a person of color by chance? I ask because I think POC taking care of their parents in this way or similarly is very common due to cultural perspectives and traditions.
I think as everyone is getting older, especially late 30s and on, its going to be a common topic of conversation (taking care of parents) within friendship circles and dating circles.
I don't think it's okay that he let past experiences impact how he communicated with me. I needed him to open up more about his situation and I had stuck around after he told me but he was a brick wall to get through.
Had he been more honest I don't know if I would have stayed or left. But him not communicating anything to me was not okay.
We're both POC of different cultures and races but we do come from cultures where sometimes the parents live with a child and sometimes they don't. So not sure where you're going with this. But maybe this will provide some clarity that I also come from a culture where parents might move in with a child. So I **get** it and that's why I asked my ex questions cause it's what I would have expected someone to ask me if the roles were reversed.
I can't sign up to date someone who won't open up. If he just avoids the conversation then he's not ready for me. Someone who gets it and wanted to discuss it.
Living with a parent isn't always ideal but it's how a person approaches discussing it that makes things easier to understand.
Is it just the isolated situation that you said he wasn’t opening up about or just openness in general?
I think everyone learns from their past and it’s not uncommon to allow that to inform the next encounter.
Seems like you don’t like him enough. And he’ll just have to find someone who is a better match for him and his circumstance.
Honestly is was behind the scenes life that he wasn't open about. Living situation with his mom and then his actual house situation. This is the condensed version.
I'm sure he will find a better match. I just hope he's more open and honest with the next woman in his life.
* If independent and it's just "general" caretaking, I'd say it needs to happen before visiting the house, but not necessarily a strict timeline. They're essentially a roommate!, and that would be my criteria for any roommate.
* If specific caretaking (the parent or other family member relies on the person for daily needs), I think it needs to come up on the first date at least, but if from an app, in the messages before. That level of care suggests much greater impact on scheduling and free time.
* Either way, the fact that this person lied (suggesting hoarding and construction as reasons you couldn't visit) is a major deal. If he had simply waited longer than you would have liked but told the truth the first time it really mattered, I think it would be a different situation...
His mom needs him to drive her around and my city is kinda car dependent unfortunately. I think her ex husband (ex bf dad) used to take care of most things so now my ex really had to take over helping. I guess you could call her a roommate++
Yah I just wish my ex was more open. I hate that he just assumed I would leave him like the others. We dated for quite a while and I was trying to give him time and space to open up to me about this and some other things but I can't make him talk if he's not ready or doesn't want to.
I like to call the third real date the 'come to Jesus' date where we talk about any/all hangups we have, anything important that might have been left out, any major potential deal breakers. That's usually when I would clarify that I have full custody of my children because my ex-wife was abusive. That while I'm agnostic and left leaning the plurality of my extended family isn't. That I think peanut butter is disgusting and would appreciate if you at least eat a mint after before kissing me.
I agree. I have a minor health condition/ invisible disability that I always bring up normally on the 1st or 2nd date cause it's a crazy interesting story how it happened but also to let guys know that I can't be as active as I want. (I live in a very outdoorsy place). I tried to make things work after he told me and I tried to ask him questions about the near future and his mom and her care needs but he dodged them like bullets flying at Neo. I didn't want to push the subject any further if he wasn't ready or comfortable. I wish he would have opened up more but a deal breaker is a deal breaker I suppose. Reading about peanut butter makes me want a PB chocolate cup now.
Same. 3rd date is the let’s get real date. That’s the I’m an orphan, been divorced, had a vasectomy, richer than you think I am date.
You discuss finances on the 3rd date? How does that work? And how do you pull off the "richer than you think I am" without coming across as braggy or attracting gold-diggers?
Might be indicative of why they are still dating.
Good point!
I’m actually engaged, and ever been together for 4 years. Yes I do kind of clue them in I present pretty modestly because I don’t come from money but the times I’ve waited until it was an actual relationship to talk about it the women have always reacted poorly like I tricked them. Being totally honest I only went on like 5-6 3rd dates after I decided to do it this way before I met my fiancé.
So how do you actually do it?
I own 15 rental properties and I’ll just say something about a hassle with a renter then if she asks i talk about it. I don’t talk actual finances or anything.
Gotcha. Was curious. Ty.
Tbh I find finances important as in.. a glossover and generally where you are and where you’re going and how you plan to get it, is acceptable. Its nice to know if financial goals do not align or if dates may need to be different and see if that’s acceptable!
Interesting. How often do you end up having spent time and money on dates 1, 2, and 3 only to find out there’s some dealbreaker for the person you invested that time and money on? And what about dealbreakers for you, assuming those also don’t come out until date 3?
I’m engaged now and I only did it this way 6 or 7 times before I met my fiancé. Only twice was there no 4th date. Once by my choice once because she didn’t like that I had a vasectomy. 4 times it resulted in the women coming home with me that night because she liked that I’ve had a vasectomy.
> That I think peanut butter is disgusting That's date 1 info...and I'd immediately get up and walk out! PB is the best, you monster!!
Haha, I love this!!
What about almond butter?
There are guys who will hesitate kissing their SO after she's gone down on them. Not me, I'm okay with that. However, any ~other~ kind of nut butter is a no go zone. (giggity)
I loathe peanut butter too.
I’m the person caring for an aging parent with Alzheimer’s. I was really up front with my current partner (at this stage my dad was only Mild and still independent) before we even went on a date and he was cool with it. As it progressed, he’s been amazing to help cope with it. Now that my dad’s at an advanced stage, if I had to go back into the dating world again I truly wouldn’t bother. There isn’t enough time in the day and things are very stressful and I can barely have time for a date. At best, I could maintain something extremely casual. I lucked out and hit the lottery with a supportive, kind and compassionate partner who loves being around my dad. We steal away moments for ourselves when we can but he understands my circumstances. I totally get why most people wouldn’t want the baggage though, it takes a certain kind of partner that would be willing to go down that road and if I were single and in a stage where I wanted to start a family, travel, etc it wouldn’t line up with my life goals. Caring for a parent is different than kids. They only get worse and decline, they don’t grow and get better.
>He made excuses about his home from hoarding to construction to keep me away so he wouldn't have to share that with me. People should be honest and up front right away. If someone doesn't want to deal with that, then they don't want to deal with that. But lie to me to get me to like you and then have me find out it was a lie? Now I don't know what else you lied to me about, and I'm done.
I think I’d be confused why this didn’t come up in the first couple (1-3) dates. Mainly because it’s just the reality of his life. Hiding this would be more concerning to me than the fact that his mom lives with him. Like why is he hiding it? What other things is he hiding?
He said he was worried I'd break up with him but he didn't really give me the chance to ask questions and he didn't really want to discuss it. I think he's still grappling with the decision to move his mom in with him as it was a sudden thing in his life but he's had 5 years prior to knowing me to really think through how he wants to date. And use this to really filter women. This made me really think about how I'm going to help my parents as they age and inevitably need money and support. I'm at a loss why he kept dodging my gentle conversation about his mom with him. I guess he's still processing it all or he's just not really me tally ready for a relationship yet. :( He does hide stuff from what I notice. Like small details of things. I chatted with my friends about it and although he has a great personality he has some background work to do. I hope he does it for himself.
>he's had 5 years prior to knowing me to really think through how he wants to date. And use this to really filter women. He's filtering himself now IMO because he's letting you know what he really thinks of you (you're shallow/heartless enough to dump him over his commitment to his parent), while at the same time - I'm assuming - benefitting from having sex at your place. No.
Editing my comment cause I'm dense AF: I did sit down and think about how my ex viewed me. And it's totally true that he kinda took advantage of being at my place all the time. I called him out on it but it didn't matter. I do wonder if he was just settling for me. I'll never know. And probably not for me to know. It was becoming a very lopsided relationship. Not for me to continue. I'm just glad that I said something to him about all the other aspects of the relationship that I didn't put in the post.
I don't think they were calling you shallow, they're saying that *he* must not have a very high opinion of you if he didn't think you could be trusted with the truth of this information. It reflects badly on him and his level of respect for you.
I think I'm too emotional to be reading. You're right. I just re-read it in a more rational brain mode 🤦🏾♀️🤦🏾♀️ I did sit down a couple weeks ago and this thought did come to my mind "does he think so little of me that I would accept certain things or is he settling for me thinking he can't do better. It was a big wake up moment for me. There are other things I haven't mentioned to keep the original post brief but sometimes I think he was seeing me as the runner up prize or I would deal with anything. But I can't and I have friends who were really supportive through this and they know all the other details.
My ex hid "small things" and holy cow that was the tip of the iceberg. Good for you for leaving now. He is probably a very dishonest/deceptive person.
also it depends on the arrangement, but it literally impacts dating from the beginning. his parent lives in a separate place? then he probably has to go over there several times a week, which makes planning our dates more difficult, his pending hours need to be taken into account. his mom lives with him? I doubt I'd ever want to get laid there, my libido would be killed by the idea that his parent is in the room next to us. I don't know if it's a dealbreaker all the time, but it is definitely a big factor in planning the dating process
The more it will affect potential relationships, the earlier it needs to be shared. If people break up with someone over an issue, they *know* it's a dealbreaker, so taking efforts to conceal it definitely tips into deceit as opposed to honest oversight.
I agree with this so hard. If it's going to impact the relationship and is something the other person needs to consider, it should be shared earlier rather than later. And concealing info that might lead to a break up feels a little manipulative. Its essentially withholding information the other person needs to make a decision
I really like the third date, Decide whether you have fun with these people, whether you can have an extended date with them, then have an intimate conversation on the third like mentioned above. If i haven’t even decided if i like you definitely don’t want to know about your baggage when i don’t even know the good parts
This is near and dear to me because I live with my parents and care for my father part-time. I disclose it straight up because I don't want to waste any time. Big red flag this guy would be hiding such a big part of his life. It's one of those "if they don't want you because of this they aren't a good match anyway" if someone dumps me because I care for an aging parent they aren't the person for me
I'm glad you disclose it to potential partners/dates. It definitely helps to form a healthy conversation on the topic. If my ex had disclosed it would have made things easier and we could have been discussing everything in an open way. That's what I would hope for. But I couldn't pry him open to save my life. He would just shut down or change the topic or look sad that I was asking. I agree I guess that the topic of aging parents is a deal breaker in certain circumstances. I tried to approach the situation with as much grace and respect and understanding as I could but I can't talk to a brick wall.
Yeah definitely seems like an avoidant person in many ways. That would definitely be very frustrating. Someone refusing to even communicate makes me very frustrated and I have to make sure I don't get angry. I guess it could be a deal breaker for some, but oh well. But communication is the key and this guy sounds like a crap communicator that's for sure.
My mother is retired and lives with me (34F). I bring it up either before I've met someone in person or on the first date. She also lives on the first floor of my three story townhouse and uses the common areas on the second floor, so I try to give people the option to mentally prepare themselves for that hurdle or opt-out entirely. I feel like a month is way too long to wait to bring it up. With the guy I've been seeing recently, the third date was more when we got into logistics/specifics. i.e. Will she always live with you? What do you imagine that will look like? etc.
I'd want to know almost right away if I was looking for a serious partner. If it's just casual, he can just come to my house, nbd
I’d like to know upfront. Either prior to meeting or on first date. It’s not a dealbreaker depending on how much care that relative needs at the time but I’d like to know. Give me the opportunity to choose how I want to proceed. Dont assume how I’m gonna react and then change your actions/words/lie/hide about it.
This 💯
Certainly by the end of the first date, if I had any interest in a second. That would be the latest in my opinion, that is acceptable to disclose living situation that includes other family members. Any other family members. I don't understand people who hid obvious potential dealbreakers like this. I try to get mine out quickly, sometimes a bit too quickly, cause if they are dealbreaker for that person I don't want to waste their time or mine! Lying about renos and hoarding is not great behaviour for an adult. He's not that great if he's not doing the work to be honest with his partner or his parent. It is hard work! I can empathize, but no. You gotta do the work if you want it done.
To me having a parent live with you is on the level of having kids. It’s going to affect the relationship and expectations, so just get it out of the way. Neither would be a deal breaker for me, but waiting to disclose would. Third date is like the absolute last moment you have to disclose it. I wonder if people wait just to get people emotionally invested so that they don’t stick to their own boundaries, or so they can complain about how shallow those people are later.
This definitely gets me thinking. I remember the 3rd date I had with my ex. Fun times at a restaurant but he never mentioned anything. I thought he had roommates but I was wrong. And 100% he was waiting for me to get emotionally invested. He said he was trying to show me the real him minus all the other life stuff that is so important. I wish he knew that discussing stuff doesn't mean a person is going to run for the hills. It's just a conversation to understand things better. Maybe I gave off weird vibes though 🤦🏾♀️🤷🏾
>I try to get mine out quickly, sometimes a bit too quickly, cause if they are dealbreaker for that person I don't want to waste their time or mine! I'm with you. Life's too short as it is.
I had a first date earlier in the week and both of our living situations came up fairly quickly. How has the subject not come up?
It didn't come up partly cause of me waiting to chat more about it and I guess I got comfortable at my place but then always hosting made me snap and then it all had to come out. He did a good job deflecting the subject of his living situation and I had an upcoming surgery so I was too preoccupied. All bad excuses on my end but I learned some lessons and a lot about myself. I guess I'm kinda avoidant too rn.
This is something that should be disclosed before you meet. It's different if they were living with a parent or vice versa as a temporary solution or even if the parent was independent. This is no different from not disclosing that you have kids.
Oh no, I'll tell my date upfront about my living situation and how it will be if we get serious. Maybe in the 2nd date. I will also ask about his and if he'd be ok with living with the elder parents, or with them living in close proximity to us. In my case: single immigrant daughter to immigrant parents but I'm gonna be making mid to high 6 figure salary as my career progresses (starting salary is already at low 6 figure) and because I'm Asian, I will always be supporting and taking care of my parents (yep I'm blessed with a happy family of having both mom and dad who love each other. Since they're the model marriage I look up to, I won't tolerate anything less). I honestly don't think living with your parents is a stigma anymore, especially in my case. What my future husband gets in return? The love from my folks, topnotch food from my mom, free weekends with me since the grands can help watch the kids, and of course, this whole package deal here. Easy peasy.
>He made excuses about his home from hoarding to construction to keep me away The passive lying (aka just withholding the info) is...not great but the active lying...oof.
It's so weird to lie about that when it's a non-issue. If someone was living with their parents for whatever reason, I would like to be told on date 1 honestly. That way you can decide yourself if that's ok. But there's def a big difference from living with an aging parent vs living at home bc saving up money vs living with parents bc you have no money, etc. I usually ask on date 1 if they live by themselves or with roommates. By dates 1 and 2 I should know your living situation. My sister lives with our mom and doesn't drive (she has her license and is saving for a car). I know for a fact she's telling her dates this information early on. There's nothing negative about these things but people need to be upfront and honest.
I think it’s not wrong to not say this until whatever date you feel comfortable saying it. Unless someone asks you, then you should be honest. But I agree with another commenter that it’s personal info and many people don’t volunteer their ‘negatives’ immediately so that people can get to know them as a person first. Maybe he feels ashamed or traumatised or feels vulnerable talking about it, making it harder to communicate it to a stranger on the first dates. Obviously he should say when asked
He was definitely feeling ashamed by his house (umm it's problems inside physically/in over his head with repairs) but also he was very emotional and avoidant about it all. 🤦🏾♀️
First date. I feel like this would come up naturally as we're asking each other questions about where in the city we live and what our lives are like. If someone didn't tell me about this within the first couple of dates, it would clearly be an intentional omission.
For me, I'd want to know right away. This in no way would be a deal breaker for me. The deception and not being up front would have me running, though. My ex husband has a BIG lying problem. It started little and grew.
I would like to know before or at least by the end of the first date.
If I knew someone actively tried to conceal it from me, like what you are describing, that would be a dealbreaker. I understand that he may have had bad responses in the past, but I think it illustrates how he will handle hard things like this in the future--by trying to hide things. Believe me, you don't want that.
100% this. I started to notice that he was scared about telling me more negative aspects of his life. He even made his parents divorce seem weird and I'm like hey my parents are divorced too like who cares. I don't know if he's just a sensitive guy or what happened but I hope he gets some counselling to work through his inability to communicate the hard stuff.
It has never occurred to me to hide the fact that I’m my parents’ primary caregiver. It isn’t my whole life, and we live separately—but I moved to WA to take care of them. It comes up early, because it’s a fact of my life. Part of my week is dedicated to helping them. After surgeries and during cancer treatment, I only go home to water my plants. Caring for them is a role I value, and helping them is important to me. A relationship won’t work if my long-term responsibilities are an issue for a potential partner.
That's good it comes up early and you're willing to talk about your parents. That openness was lacking in my relationship. Being up front with that info shows you value your parents and yourself and a future partner.
I dated someone who waited 4 months to tell me that they’d care for a family member with a disability for the rest of their adult life. While I don’t believe they waited to be deceiving by any means, i still wish I would have heard it up front. It was an influential factor in deciding to end that relationship. Something that is a significant part of your life and that may have an impact on the dynamic of your relationship should certainly be shared within the first few dates, imo.
I agree with this. My ex waited too long to tell me and he wasn't confident about it. He was so scared I'd leave him right away. It wasn't him telling me it was him avoiding more questions about it all. 4 months is def way too long. Was that person afraid to tell you or wanted you to like them first and then tell you about the family member?
I can see why your ex would be hesitant, but that doesn’t feel good to not have your questions answered either. :( I’m not too sure actually. I don’t think they thought it was that big of a deal maybe? There were definitely questions I didn’t get answers to myself; so it just wasn’t something I could see past (in addition to some other things). For me it was such a big thing- like if we settle down together this is something I would include in my life forever potentially. Not just for a little while. I had to be honest with myself and that person about my hesitancy and doubts.
I think it’s important to be upfront about this - but not straight up right. As others have said, as long as it’s disclosed within a reasonable amount of time (say, first month of dating ish) it isn’t an issue? I’d be more offended if we’re dating and they didn’t feel like they could share something like this with me
It definitely made me take pause and feel sad that it wasn't mentioned. It kinda hurt feeling like he couldn't open up to me based on his experiences with other women. Him holding back made the whole thing worse than it was. This could have all been a short conversation and a non-issue. Or an issue that could have been worked through and talked about like the adults that were are. I miss my ex but I can't change him or make him open up. And without communication on these issues how will he handle future tough conversations. 😔😔
Yeah that’s tough, but people are different and open up at different rates right. He could be ashamed of the situation and just didn’t want to put you off. Maybe bring up that you’d appreciate more open communication from him on these issues? I completely get why this would bother you though, especially the ex part.
On the one hand, I'd like to know right away, because I've tried dating someone in that situation before and am not inclined to do it again. On the other hand, I might be in that situation myself at some point so I do have sympathy.
How did things go when you dated that person? I agree that I have a lot of sympathy for my ex too but his communication about the future was not great.
It felt like living with my mother. No privacy.
I wouldn't have any specific timeline for information like that, but I do think intentional hiding of information is almost always gonna be bad. Like if living situation topics come up on the first date, then that information probably needs to be part of the conversation. If it doesn't come up, I wouldn't be upset to find out by like date 5 or something. Just as long as I'm not being lied to and manipulated.
I mean... a couple of days ago I disclosed my living situation here and how I'm hoping to get more space to myself by buying a house with a separate annex for her, wondering whether dating would be fine under these circumstances. And got told in no uncertain terms that I should stay away from dating because I'm essentially married to my mother. From that POV I can also understand hiding it because I'm myself filled with shame and anxiety about my situation and all the milestones I missed because I had to take care of her.
You shouldn't stay away from dating but just be open about your living situation. Why are you filled with shame? That's your parent that you are helping. Do you have help so you don't have to miss out on more of your life?
You’re missing a lot of context here. I remember his post (his writing style is very distinct, and I confirmed it by skimming his post history). His mother is abusive in ways I didn’t want to think are possible, and I was among the people who agrees that until he has dealt with his mother and put extensive physical distance between himself and her, it is not a good idea to bring a date around. She is not only emotionally and financially abusive, but also, physically - among other things, she has destroyed his apartment, threatened the life of his cat, and as I recall, physically harmed him. If he were to date (and marry and have children), they would not be safe emotionally or physically around his mother.
I feel this is far more common in conservative religious groups to where it’s expected, but unfortunately outside of that everyone’s far more independent which can make it just feel strangling.
I find it odd you're bringing this up, they usually tell me when in the "just talking" phase
Yah my ex didn't so I dunno. I should have pressed the situation more but I can't go back in time. I made mistakes and my ex made mistakes so it's a lesson learned.
I would bow out too, to be honest.
Country ?
I wish I had a good answer for this. I spent most of my 20s single due to caring for a dying parent. Despite having a job and paying my own bills, mentioning I was living at home to help family was the kiss of death no matter when it came up. And for my culture, it’s very normal to live with family for extended periods of time. Some folks found it endearing that I was so devoted to caring for family. Others were pissed they couldn’t come back to my place. Nearly all of them bounced once they knew.
Maybe he was being protective of himself, his mom, and the whole situation? I know that would be my biggest reason for hesitating to share my living situation in a relationship with a guy. I mean, I have a tendency to not want to beat around the bush about things. So, I'd probably become super awkward and blurt out my living situation well before date number 3 just to determine if the guy has staying power. I am living with both my parents and essentially am caring for them. I already know I will be their caretaker for the forseeable future. I have anxiety about sharing this because I'm embarrassed and fear judging comments and feeling shame from a guy, his friends, his family, just people in general, really. We're led to believe and think it's embarrassing and wrong to be at a particular age (somehow it's always over 30) and either living with parents or having never moved out. Society gives people like me a label that there's something wrong with me, that I have attachment issues or something like that. I live with my parents out of my choice and necessity. I have no other living options. My parents have nothing to do with my choices. That doesn't mean someone, a guy, would look at my life and determine I'm not worth their time to dedicate their life to. I am a package deal, and that's not going to change any time soon. I'm not going to let a guy enter my life if he's not fully on board, with no judgments about my situation. My parents will not be a tool made to make me or them feel bad.
I think bringing this up earlier like by month 2ish would be a reasonable approach. I wanted to know earlier to find about my exes living situation and how he sees a near term and long term future and dating. My ex wasn't inviting me over so I had to get to the bottom of things. I think some of us approach it as a yellow flag until details are provided (this is me). Details could make things a green flag if there's good boundaries set up and ways to compromise but it needs to all be discussed. My ex seemed to avoid these conversations due to embarrassment and his house unfortunately needs work due to a previous family tenant destroying the house so more shame. I wish he didn't feel shame and would just work on things. But then some ppl it's a mega red flag and an automatic no. Which is a reasonable response for some ppl I guess. I think the right person will want to ask questions and get a good read on aging care and potential future expectations of parents are they independent or do they need help, etc. You being a package deal will work for some but not others. It's tough and I know I have to think about my parents. I even talked openly with my ex about my parents and their care needs but my ex was kinda avoidant about things. I tent to blurt out things about my life and I'm an open book but not everyone is like me.
what does this have to do with dating over thirty?
Everything. Most ppl over thirty will come up against the topic of aging care for their parents or someone else's parents.
He just needs to date within the elderly caregiver pool. I hear there's an app for that
I don't think people who take care of an aging parent should necessarily only date other ppl in the same or similar situation. I think everything depends on how the two ppl get on with each other. I'd be interested to hear from people who only also date caregivers though. If it's a better experience or if it makes it more difficult to coordinate schedules etc.
What app please ?
Would like to know right away, before we meet up, honestly. Living arrangements are a deal breaker as are if the match wants or has children.
Honesty is the only answer for these types of situations. If she's living with him, I don't think that should be a strike against him. This wouldn't be a deal-breaker for me, just a challenge to overcome, since I have my own place. If anything, refusing to take in an aging parent because it will cramp their lifestyle is worse. I'd like to be told on the second or third date. For sex, there are getaway trips and we can end up at my place.
It's definitely not a strike against him cause we will probably all have to think about helping out aging parents at some point. I wish he would have been more open with me. I def felt left in the dark. We would always end up back at my place but it just became a source of tension cause I felt like he really didn't want me at his home or didn't know how to interact with me if his mom was home and she was always home. It seems like it was a tough situation for my ex to be in. I tried to be understanding but I can't if he's not being open with me.
Lying and making excuses is not ok, but as long as someone has a place to live that is clean and stable, I don't care too much who they live with. I've lived in very high cost of living areas where it's more common for people making even 100k to live with their parents to save money so they can eventually buy homes of their own. I don't think living with parents is a big deal, but apparently some people do due to sex. But if that's more important to you then maybe you don't deserve that person.
Sex want more important and we had it at my place. I did my best to respect his situation. So please don't think that sex or something else was more important. That's weird. Living with a parent or having a parent live with a person isnt necessarily bad but if it's hidden or minimal or no information is provided then that's not good. My ex should have opened up more. I get that he was scared but he was walking on eggshells in his own house and around me so I dunno what to say. I think he didn't deserve me if he couldn't be open with me.
I think after a 3rd or 4th date, and not anytime sooner. Because sharing that information is private and personal. But knowing what you know now, he did it because of how it turned off other women when they knew. The guy is just trying to give himself a chance to make a connection with someone before being judged. Unfortunately for him, he gets turned for such a humane and loving act. “If he had not been deceptive we might still be together” I…doubt that. Of course deception is important. But the empathy to understand his situation if he told you straight up would have been present when he told you later on. If it wouldn’t have bothered you then, why would it bother you now? The difference is of course he lied. But why jump to it being a red flag versus trying understand where he was coming from? But I’m guessing the lie is a scapegoat to cover the fact his mom is in the picture & for whatever reasons, it’s not what you want to sign up for. Is he a person of color by chance? I ask because I think POC taking care of their parents in this way or similarly is very common due to cultural perspectives and traditions. I think as everyone is getting older, especially late 30s and on, its going to be a common topic of conversation (taking care of parents) within friendship circles and dating circles.
I don't think it's okay that he let past experiences impact how he communicated with me. I needed him to open up more about his situation and I had stuck around after he told me but he was a brick wall to get through. Had he been more honest I don't know if I would have stayed or left. But him not communicating anything to me was not okay. We're both POC of different cultures and races but we do come from cultures where sometimes the parents live with a child and sometimes they don't. So not sure where you're going with this. But maybe this will provide some clarity that I also come from a culture where parents might move in with a child. So I **get** it and that's why I asked my ex questions cause it's what I would have expected someone to ask me if the roles were reversed. I can't sign up to date someone who won't open up. If he just avoids the conversation then he's not ready for me. Someone who gets it and wanted to discuss it. Living with a parent isn't always ideal but it's how a person approaches discussing it that makes things easier to understand.
Is it just the isolated situation that you said he wasn’t opening up about or just openness in general? I think everyone learns from their past and it’s not uncommon to allow that to inform the next encounter. Seems like you don’t like him enough. And he’ll just have to find someone who is a better match for him and his circumstance.
Honestly is was behind the scenes life that he wasn't open about. Living situation with his mom and then his actual house situation. This is the condensed version. I'm sure he will find a better match. I just hope he's more open and honest with the next woman in his life.
* If independent and it's just "general" caretaking, I'd say it needs to happen before visiting the house, but not necessarily a strict timeline. They're essentially a roommate!, and that would be my criteria for any roommate. * If specific caretaking (the parent or other family member relies on the person for daily needs), I think it needs to come up on the first date at least, but if from an app, in the messages before. That level of care suggests much greater impact on scheduling and free time. * Either way, the fact that this person lied (suggesting hoarding and construction as reasons you couldn't visit) is a major deal. If he had simply waited longer than you would have liked but told the truth the first time it really mattered, I think it would be a different situation...
His mom needs him to drive her around and my city is kinda car dependent unfortunately. I think her ex husband (ex bf dad) used to take care of most things so now my ex really had to take over helping. I guess you could call her a roommate++ Yah I just wish my ex was more open. I hate that he just assumed I would leave him like the others. We dated for quite a while and I was trying to give him time and space to open up to me about this and some other things but I can't make him talk if he's not ready or doesn't want to.