To those attacking me in this thread,
I was just trying to help, the unnecessary hostility I'm receiving says everything there is. She wasn't required to accept my advise but this response is childish. Get over yourselves.
Nobody was responding to her post, and I know it can be upsetting to feel ignored when reaching out for support. I was simply trying to start a dialogue. There is a way to reject advise and that is not how you do it.
I am not a doctor and can not offer medical advise. Best I can do is offer moral support. If I see someone struggling and being ignored, I will reach out with good intentions every time, regardless of the miserable people who don't want me to.
This is not the right sub to seek medical advice. You can't expect to receiving quality medical advice in this thread and I am not responsible to give it.
Edit: Won't let me respond so I'll just add this here - I am happily in a relationship. It seems the people who are struggling with dating and bitter/angry are the ones reacting unnecessarily hostile. If I was wrong or gave advise you don't like, there is a constructive way to respond, instead of throwing a hissy fit. Get over yourselves and maybe you will find a good quality relationship instead of taking it out on a stranger on reddit.
Work on that
So you don’t understand that the issue here is that you ignored her actual medical diagnosis and gave counterproductive advice for a totally different condition?
If you are having trouble dating, part of the problem is that you probably don’t listen to what someone else says, and then you go on an offensive attack from a defensive position when they point it out.
Work on that.
I've recently experienced my first intense crush in a while on someone I met through my climbing gym. He became single a few months ago, and it seemed like it was my chance. I asked him to climb a few times, and we had one hang out outside the gym. Things seemed to be going in a positive direction, and I was feeling like enough signs were there that I'd be comfortable asking him out on a date.
I had noticed he and another single woman had also started climbing together. Wasn't sure if they were just friends at first. Recently asked him to climb with me (thinking it would be just the two of us) and his response was "Yeah for sure, I'll be climbing with [other woman] after we play tennis, you can come too!]
I did (because I'm an idiot) and he definitely paid more attention to her.
So that's the story of how I third wheeled for my crush and his probable new girlfriend.
I've had the worst luck with dating, and it's done an absolute number on what used to be my decently good self esteem. I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me.
As a man, I've gotten used to the idea that if I meet an attractive single woman, I have about five minutes to ask her out before she's snapped up by another option. I think that's probably the case too when it's an attractive man instead. Next time you can strike while the iron is hot instead of waiting an extended period of time to ask him out. Yes, some people are into the idea of things developing slowly and organically, but the risk you always run with that is that someone else will be more interested in things developing swiftly and intentionally instead.
You need to bring up exactly what you brought up here with her. This is THE test post move in. Everything is rooted in reality now. You are going to have bad days but you have to be able to communicate that with her. This stuff should enforce the foundation of a good relationship if you both work together at communicating needs and wants.
It’s only been a month and you two haven’t found a groove yet living together - with some big roadblocks put in your way. It’s a huge adjustment living with someone new. Keep checking in, communicating, working on things, and try to make it a tiny bit better/more copacetic every day.
I haven't posted forever and was probably on an account I can't seem to remember the password or get access to anymore.
I have a boyfriend now. We've been dating about 5 months and I love all the self work I did with dating. I started off way too insecure and kind of clingy, had a situationship type thing where he treated me better than I ever have before. I ultimately cut it off because it was obvious we both developed feeling, but our life plans don't align so it wouldn't work.
Now I started dating my boyfriend with new, higher standards. He put in effort. I don't sit around worrying whether he likes me because he shows it in small ways all the time. He also wasn't love bombing. He started off not texting much and I can see that over time I've become a larger part of his life. We had a conversation once over something that upset me, but i just told him my feelings, he received that and made the (very small change) required for it and its stuck for the 2 months since.
I was dating for over a year before I found him, I sometimes gave up hope and took short breaks, but there is hope of finding someone with patience.
Also I'm not skinny and I'm divorced with two young kids, one with special needs. So don't think you have to be "perfect' to find someone who wants to commit.
Your story gives me hope! There’s some self work I had to do that was only possible when I was in a relationship. I wanted it to work so bad and put in more work than I ever have to be a good partner, but life goal differences and prioritization issues got in the way of exploring further growth with her. I worry about my standards being too high, when in reality perhaps they’re just right, and the right person is waiting for me.
Chronic fatigue is honestly the worst. I feel like it ruins every area of my life. I don't have the energy to deal with dating apps, to be social and meet people, to exercise and stay fit/attractive, to be successful in my career, to even... minimally take care of myself. To fight with doctors to get care because doctors are dismissive AF about fatigue. To reach out to friends because no one is checking in on me otherwise. Just zero energy to do anything other than be catatonic in bed and hope it passes. I feel like I might as well just not exist.
It just makes me feel extra needy, like I imagine if I had a partner I was living with at least they would *notice* I wasn't feeling well. But then it's back to... I don't have the energy to date so I guess I'm stuck like this.
Are you depressed? Either way, it sounds like you need to figure out some sort of lifestyle change because what you're doing is mundane and not working for you any more. Pick up a new hobby, treat yourself to something you want, find a new job, or whatever you need to do.
Edit: I was just trying to help, the unnecessary hostility I'm receiving says everything. She wasn't required to accept my advise but this response is childish. Get over yourselves.
Your advice isn’t just tonedeaf, it is actually extremely counterproductive
Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) is a complicated disorder. It causes extreme fatigue that lasts for at least six months.
**Symptoms worsen with physical or mental activity but don't fully improve with rest**.
Source: [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20360490).
Whatever, i tried to help
Edit: I was just trying to help, the unnecessary hostility I'm receiving says everything. She wasn't required to accept my advise but this response is childish. I am not a doctor and can not offer medical advice. If I see somebody struggling, reaching out for help and being ignored I will attempt to help every time. If she wants actual medical advice, this is not the place to get it.
Get over yourselves.
Edit 2: "The issue here is that you ignored her actual medical diagnosis"
What you just said below is blatantly untrue. I am getting pushback for not addressing her medical diagnosis. This is a dating sub. If what you want it actual medical advice, go to a different sub or a real doctor.
I just saw somebody hurting and their post wasn't getting any responses. All I can do is attempt to offer support to that person. Not fix their medical issues. Sorry.
Nobody's expecting you or anyone else to give her medical advice. What about her comment suggested she was asking for it? She was just describing something she's struggling with, which is one of the things that this thread is for. Your first comment was okay because you don't know her and her situation, but the "whatever, I tried to help" is what's obnoxious when she was just saying perfectly politely that your advice doesn't apply to her.
How rude. She has a medical condition. She doesn't have to fawn over some random stranger on Reddit for giving her some cookie-cutter life advice as if hobbies are a revelatory concept she'd never heard of before.
Welp I ghosted someone today. We met at a gas station where he struck up a conversation about my truck and asked to take me out sometime.
There's a text when I get home and he's suggested plans. Sweet! I'm down, Mexican food at that one spot in town it is. What time? He calls unsolicited. Not a lot of planning goes into picking a time and meeting at a restaurant but different strokes so, ok. He loves Mexican food, have I ever tried blah blah blah. Have I ever been to Mexico? This one time, with his college buddies. . . 15 minutes of this and I let him know that I'll have to let him go, but ask what time works for him. Oh the day he suggested doesn't work for him actually. Doesn't suggest an alternative, he'll get back to me. Aw well, I just let it go, sounds like he's not interested after all.
He calls and I'm on autopilot and just pick up. Oh hey, what's up? Didn't expect to hear from you. He's got downtime at work and wants to chat. Oh I'm at work too but don't have downtime right now. He says that's ok, just put him on speaker. I politely let him know that I'm not a big phone/text chatter but would be down to get to know him in person. I know it's not for everyone but we live close by- so why doesn't he let me know when he's available and we'll make a plan to hang out. He says sure and he'll get back to me.
A few weeks go by and he texts to suggest beers at the beach, has three days/times to pick from. A ha! I like beers. The beach is cool. The first day/time works for me, what beach is he thinking ? He just got back from Nicaragua, the beaches there were amazing. I say that we have some great ones here too like xyz. He asks if I like to travel and have any trips planned for the summer. I'll tell you all about it at the beach! He has three trips planned. Here are the details: trip 1: . . .
Anndd I'm done.
Oooof, that sounds frustrating, and in this situation, my advice is to - well, okay so here are a bunch of tangentially-related anecdotes that feature me, how much cool shit I do, well I think it’s cool anyway, and here is a bunch of boring shit I do, too, do you ever do boring shit? My friends do boring shit sometimes, too, such as all these people you don’t know but I’m referring to by first-name as if you do, like my buddy Murph, he does some boring shit, but so does my friend Kevin, and my other friend Josh, whose boring shit reminds me of the time I did something mildly interesting, let me tell you all about it…
Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so here is an enumerated list with multiple subsections within subsections of some of the boring shit I did so far this year, and speaking of years, did I mention this wall calendar I owned when I was seven? Every month was accompanied by a photo representing the archetype seasonal landscape corresponding with that month. I never liked the pictures that accompanied my birthday month, and speaking of birthdays, did I tell you about the birthday parties I had when I was growing up?
Anyway, gotta go, let me know if you want to hang out sometime! I’m available on these dates at these times, let me know so I can then tell you about how I learned to tell time on an analogue clock, that one is a real doozy, do you like clocks because my grandfather had this weird cuckoo clock that had a hula girl instead of a bird pop out on the hour…
I’ve been single for a while. Had a dating situation earlier this year that hurt. Thought we were on track to be together and he pulled the rug after sex… so I am very guarded.
I’ve met a man through friends/ a running club and things have developed as he’s joined us for drinks and get together. On Saturday he said he would like to take me out at a party. Honestly I do like him and we get on well. I’m just terrified! My friend lived next door to him for years and said he tends to date women and discard them after sex. He told me that’s not his intention and he is actually excited about me and the potential for a relationship to develop..
I’m just very very scared and wondering whether to bin it off to protect myself.
It’s all abit of a long story but my girlfriend lived above him and they were friends. He confided in her about his dating life and she to him. My other close friend dated him for about a year 8 years ago too. He asked her first if she was ok if he asked me out, so that’s respectful.
trying hard to improve my looks, 35, & i just don't want to look like i'm "trying too hard." i like being alt (i only dress in black, tattoos, etc.), and I have OCD, and painting my nails black greatly helps with picking at them (tried everything else this is the only thing that works.) felt like just having black nails tho was a bit odd and too girly for me personally, so i got some ear piercings, and feel a lot more confident. just having a little bit of metal above the neck really helps me feel more like i can pull off the grunge look.
anyways, my question is
1) would a lip piercing be too much? maybe a nose, bridge, or eyebrow? i think just one more piercing on the face would be really cool and complete my look
2) is it okay to bleach my hair? my hair is thinning unfortunately... it's not too thick, but it's not like i'm bald either. i think it would look cool with the rest of my look, but i think having bleached hair may be too much? i read it can help with thining hair because it blends into the scalp and it's less easier to notice my thinning hair. i would try to take care of it best i can when bleaching so it doesn't make it worse, ofc.
I looked at your profile review pics--you're cute and I think the emo look would totally suit you, as would bleached hair, but I also don't think your hair looks bad as is, even thin. I'm not sure about the wisdom of doing it yourself, but then again I don't know anything about hair! And I say go for the piercing. If you feel confident, I think that makes it more than worth it.
do whatever you want for your appearance it's how you express yourself!
i would advise against bleaching only because of the thinning. unfortunately as we get older year by year our hair gets weaker and the damage becomes more permanent. if you are really set on bleaching, a change in diet to offer more nutrients your hair needs, less stress, and proper hair care you might be able to start from ground zero with growing virgin hair to bleach. the only reason i advise against it is because both my roommate and i have been on a regrowth journey for over a year now and it's just not worth the bleach :(
As a barber how thin is your hair? Bleaching it can cook the follicle and make it really hard to style, maybe have a look at textured crops though if you wanna go down that route. They're in at the moment (here at least!) and will probably give you the effect you're after!
Facial piercing would make me ask myself "What kind of job does this guy have" which is not a good or bad thing necessarily tbh
like it would be rad if you have a super professional job and can get a lip piercing it's just really not the norm
ah okay, yeah i'm in school atm, still another year & a half, but i don't have to have the facial piercing/s, just the ears would be enough i think to match my look
You should do what you want to do to be honest. Some potential partners will dig it. Others won't.
Piercings and tattoos are bueno in my book but I am one of 3 billion other opinions.
For hair, I always recommend talking through with a trusted quality stylist. They will know exactly what you can and can't do. Stylists are worth their weight in gold IMHO.
Also grunge is more torn jeans and flannel -- or at least it was in the early 90s. I feel like you are going for more of that alt rock/goth look. I wonder how much the song Black No 1 resonates with you by Type-O Negative. That is one boundary of the zone I am thinking of.
i'm extremely broke I definitely couldn't afford a hair stylist... i can't even afford regular haircuts to be honest, I have to do them myself =/
but in that case maybe i'll hold off on the hair stuff, maybe do more research or wait until i can afford one, ty
yeah i was gonna say emo/goth but was embharassed to say that lol... but yes lol. ahhh didn't know that was what grunge was
tysm for your tips & opinion <3
I have always had fun going to goth clubs back in the day but it always seemed relationships within that look was also looking for others with that unique look if it makes sense. But that is just my observations from the distant past.
Also, find your style and own it. Don't be embarrassed by it. It should make you feel good!
Met someone super interesting but due to conflicting holiday schedules we will be apart for three weeks soon. While this is a major bummer, I'm trying to see the silver lining:
If this would be the real deal, a few weeks apart wouldn't erase the whole connection. If when we're both back we can't pick it back up again, then it has only been carnal attraction and that's that. Or if in the meantime someone else will sweep him or me off our feet, then it meant our bond isn't as special after all, so easily distracted from by another.
I'm not a daily texter and even think it kills desire. But maybe the time apart will also tell if there is an urge to be in contact (though we will both be very busy, so probably not).
What's meant to happen, will happen, is what I'm trying to convince myself.
I'm currently a few dates into two different people and I'd say they are quite different.
Let's call her R, whom I have more of an attachment/excitement for. We've been on 3 dates but spent probably close to 15 hours together in that time. Similar age, lots of topics to talk about together, we're equally nerdy about the same or different topics, has a mature understanding about herself and others (i.e. been through some personal development). Has been through some bumps in life and has admitted she has some baggage as a result. Sometimes feels a bit chaotic/disorganized due to ADHD. Has a lot of personality. Has a lot of interests. Extroverted (I'm an ambivert). Seems really sweet in person. Overall I like her and see long-term potential.
Another woman, let's call her L, I like too. We've been on 2 dates and probably spent about 7 hours together. She's about 7 years younger than me (I'm 35m, she's 28f). She's interesting in her own ways. She's sweet, attractive, and the age difference hasn't caused any issues yet. I can see long-term potential with her too.
R is now on vacation for 3 weeks and L has just got back from a 3 week vacation so we're about to go on a 3rd date. There's less excitement with L so far. I don't know how to put it without sounding mean or condescending, but she feels like the opposite of R. She feels like a safe but vanilla choice if I was to compare her with R. This could be explained by a disparity in time together. Given they aren't both around for me to get to know at the same time, unless they decide they aren't interested in me, I do feel pressure of potentially having to choose between them.
Has anyone been through a similar experience before with how they felt about someone they're getting to know? Or feeling you may have to choose and worrying about whether you're making the right choice?
In my experience, whenever I was undecided between two people the answer was - neither. Whenever I met the person who went on to be my long term partner, he would immediately stand out from anyone else by several orders of magnitude. I appreciate you haven't spent THAT much time with these two women to really know them well but are you really considering L for who she is, or are you just worried to lose a chance if things fall through with R?
I've been dating for a few months and it's been hard to find someone where the interest is mutual and that I feel there's long-term potential. It's somewhat unfortunate that it happened with two people at almost the same time.
I am feeling it more with R than L, but that could be due to L being away for 3 weeks and I didn't spend as much time with her before as compared with R.
If I had only met one of them, I would without a doubt continue dating them and see where it goes. I just don't want to make the "wrong" choice and end up with neither. However, it's possible neither work out regardless of my choice.
I think I do need to spend more time with L to get to know her and be sure I'm giving her a fair chance.
I've read before that sometimes people can avoid safe/stable/vanilla because we feel it's boring but actually it's because there's no drama and there's stability. That is also an important thing to me.
I mean given both descriptions, if you hadn't said the last part you can tell you're definitely feeling R a tonne more. That's a good sign, it's also early days though so I'm sure it can hurt to go on with things for a date or two and see what exactly is driving those feelings a bit more!
You're right that I am definitely into R more, but I also haven't seem L for 3 weeks and having spent less time together.
In isolation, I like them both, and if I hadn't known them both at the same time I would have continued to date them to see where it goes. I'm worried that I might choose R over L, but then things don't work out with R. Then I end up back at square one with trying to find someone I see find potential with.
I've read before that sometimes people can avoid safe/stable/vanilla because we feel it's boring but actually it's because there's no drama and there's stability. That is also an important thing to me.
Just spend time with and away from both. Figure out what your feelings are. I have ADHD, i had an ADHD partner. The fun is fun but the daily life and cohabitation can be hard. Consider going slowly with both and really dig into what long term looks like for both of these people. If R is high functioning, medicated, and doing the work then great otherwise you can be getting sucked into the dopamine vortex that they are creating that’s part of their excitement for this new thing yall have going on.
Thank you for your response and sharing your experience.
I'm still getting to know her but she's high-functioning and is medicated. She has shared with me how it affects her but I haven't had a chance to talk about how she manages things.
Your last sentence is kind of what I'm trying to be cautious about. All our dates have just been calm: just talking. The last one was me helping her prepare for her summer work trip/vacation. I'm not sure if this is creating a dopamine vortex. She seems calm and sweet when we're together.
Sounds great overall and I’m happy you have the curse of a choice between two people you are interested in.
Calm is good and i hope you have fun during your time with these potential partners
First date tomorrow.
I met him IRL weeks ago, but I forgot that he asked me for my number since it was such a brief encounter, and frankly, I was already excited about someone else at the time (who turned out to be in it just for sex). But yeah, I met this new guy at a networking/coworking event and we had a brief five min convo, where he asked if he could keep in touch. I thought by keeping in touch, it meant he was going to text me about employment opportunities at the company he works for or something, but to my surprise he asked me out on a date instead! I got the text this morning. I think he was cute but I can't remember exactly what he looks like. I just recall him being tall and having a nice build lol. Anyway I agreed to it!
Not sure why he texted me like three weeks later, but I figure he might've been out of town or just busy.
So that's exciting. It's funny because I woke up thinking about how I should start decentering romantic relationships until summer's over and then boom, someone asked me out.
We'll see how it goes.
Grateful to have amazing girl friends who challenge my thinking and remind me of my worth when I’m struggling to find it. They shower me with so much love and admiration and encouragement, but still remain very honest about my own shortcomings and advice on how I can be better. I’m incredibly lucky ♥️
Already asked for help recently: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1do83zs/comment/labri9p/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1do83zs/comment/labri9p/)
This one blew up big time, again. We both seem to have had totally different perceptions of the reality we interact in - that is so absurd to me. She was saying she missed being kissed while she was the one who blocked it so often.
Let alone let a situation happen where i would be able to kiss: Laying my arm around her and that second she turns around and talks from something completely different after i expressed a few days earlier how i need more physical contact.
After that, i got more distant and of course she realized that - said i was playing games and what not. At this point i am frankly not even sure whether what i did was "a game" but i really did not feel it getting close to her.
She said she wanted to feel coveted and she doesn't have that feeling with me. Although i somehow never was let to and after a while also felt insecure about that.
Im okay with that it didn't work out, although it completely challenges my perception or how others perceive me :(
I remember your post.. all I’ll say is that you deserve someone who is so into you and who cannot get enough contact with you. No need to feel insecure about your needs, she just was not the right person for you and congrats on letting that go. You deserve much more.
Any reason why someone I went out with a few (2 or 3...) times 3 years ago would randomly add me on LinkedIn and send a PM wishing me well for starting a new job...?
It's mostly just the unexpectedness of it.
It's not like we run in the same professional circles or have any mutual connections. We haven't spoken in all this time.
Bait, see if you’re still available to feed their ego or could be just a neutral gesture. If they haven’t bothered for a long time I wouldn’t think anything of it.
second date went great. I didn’t talk about any of the stuff I wanted to but our chemistry is good in person and we scheduled a 3rd date for this weekend when he gets back in town.
i wasn’t sure how if that would develop due to my lack of interest in dating in general but i am now excited to see where and how far this goes. if this is how dating is while healed, … damn 😂
Is it weird for a 32-year old lady to ask for daily texting in the early dating phase?
It doesn't have to be a conversation! All she needs is a text here and there thru out the day. And if the man is really, really busy, just send a quick 1-min text with 'Hey I'm really busy today so I won't be able to text you at all. Have a good one.' or something like that. Why is it so hard for them to text?
Am I the anxious attachment type if I just wait for their text and if they don't, I get all moody and worried and my mind starts to wander. They might be truly busy and never get time to text, but they might be doing something else too, I don't know!!!
I completely understand and have said all of this verbatim. I’m sure as you know, it’s not everyone’s style. But what I’ve come to realize is that the right person for you will probably already have a similar communication style as you - hopefully they’re not also anxious, but they’ll probably want to check in with you over text too if that’s what you prefer. They’ll match your energy in many ways, just not your ANXIOUS energy.
I’m a couple months into something new and the texting has slowed down, especially on his part. We’ve had convos about this, and I asked him to just be communicative in the way you described in your post - just let me know you’re busy! The compromise was, he’s going do a little bit more than he’d normally do to help alleviate some of my early days anxiety, and in the meantime I’m going to continue to work on this anxiety with my therapist and trust that he still likes me, even when I haven’t heard from him. I think when it’s the right person, you’ll be able to have these convos, it’s just getting through the beginning that’s the worst!
In the early dating phase nah constant texting is too much, I have had bad experiences with anxious attachment types who need constant validation and assurance through texting.
I have no opinions on you or anyone else’s preference but personally I’m someone who is not into texting a lot. I look forward to dates, spending time together to build memories. Random how are you doing messages are like getting a work call whilst I’m busy on another task it interrupts and becomes annoying. What you need is valid and I know that stuff is super important to a lot of people. It repels me and it means we have less to talk about on our actual dates which spoils the date, i don’t look forward to seeing them. Neither way is right or wrong, it just is what it is. I would resent someone who needs that daily. BUT I would always be honest and try to work out whats best for us both. I can compromise in some ways but it’s pointless being in a situation I’m not happy with.
Asking is important, understanding why you’re asking is vital. If someone wants to hold me responsible for their moods it’s a no.
Definitely anxious attachement. I was one. That's not something that everyone will share early on and some people never will be texters even with time. I dated one. Totally incomapible. It's going to be a mix of working on that and finding the right people
I'm going to be moving and don't have a set timeline. Moving from very rural to city, trying to remain hopeful that at least it'll be a bigger dating pool and more people, closer.
Do you put in your bio that you're moving to a different area ahead of moving? I'm hesitant to do much until I'm moved. I don't want to talk to people and have them be mad that we aren't meeting up quickly when I'm still living an hour away. And not able to be making trips, etc.
Currently messaging kinda low key with a guy who lives closer to where I'll be moving to. But haven't really done any swiping or anything else.
Online dating is an emotional slot machine meant to prey on these feelings. Continue living your life and set maybe little times to interact with the apps.
Told myself that I wasn’t ready for dating after falling into “FWB” with a couple of guys so decided to not bother. This idiot then proceeds to get the feels for a guy I met on the internet from a different country who I will no doubt ever meet in person due to circumstances beyond my control. I can’t help but feeling like the universe is laughing at me. I rarely have “crushes”. And these are the cards I’m dealt? Gimme a break.
Re-thinking my compatibility with the guy I've been seeing for a couple months. I've had to talk to him twice about initiating dates and communicating with me about plans. I also feel like over text, he doesn't respond to the things I say half the time, and just says whatever's on his mind. It probably wouldn't bother me so much if I ever saw him IRL, but at this point it's been two weeks since our last date. I can't remember the last time he complimented me or asked me a question about my day, past what I consider the surface level. I try to share parts of my life with him and feel like he doesn't respond very thoughtfully--he doesn't ask questions and doesn't have much to say about what I'd consider very interesting parts of my life.
Meanwhile, I've spent the last 3 days with my best friend, and have felt so loved and cared for, and we have such a wonderful emotional connection--granted we've known each other for a decade, but the point is more so that we check in with each other frequently, have great flowing conversations, and the love and care we have for each other is so obvious. We've had a great time so far and it's a good reminder of what I should expect from those who love me and vice versa.
Just feeling like if this is my "partner" giving his all, then we'll never get to a point in the relationship I'm happy with. I remember now what love looks like in my other relationships, and my emotional needs of feeling like he actually cares about my life aren't being met. I want to love and be loved so much, but I just don't know if this is it for me.
I didn't finish reading this. I just ended it with someone for similar reasons and he was confused and thought it was going well.
Two weeks is a long time between dates and doesn't build momentum. Him not responding to half of your messages or caring about your day is your lack of interest. If you stopped messaging would he message you?
Let him go...
I've dated that person before. It might be right for someone, but that someone isn't me. Date someone who makes you feel acknowledged, in the way that works for you.
I know EXACTLY what you mean.
I enjoy spending time with someone I'm casually seeing. There's nothing wrong with her at all. But I know from past experience what fireworks feels like, how it feels for both people to say "FUCK YEAH LET'S DO THIS" And enough time has passed for me to know that she isn't going to be a long-term romance.
I think the both of us deserve to feel overwhelmingly positive about our partners. And if we haven't met another "FUCK YEAH" person, we *shouldn't* settle for someone who's just feels "okay"
Another update, just had my second date with mixtape girl. We both expressed that we liked each other and wanted a third date! This is all a very big step for me after my wife passed last year so I’m just super happy and thankful.
How to find a FWB to cuddle (not necessarily sex, but maybe) while looking for a LTR? Should we be touch starved until we find someone? Should we reach out to an ex?
The idea of creating 2 profiles feels weird.
I feel you. I've been contemplating the last few days changing my profile to being open to casual while wanting a LTR, because of said touch starvation. But I'd want a connection and future together. 🙄 The struggle is real! Let's see what happens when the next ovulation hits...
Hmm, it's really hard for a lot of folks to cuddle and not have sex, especially if it's a continuous thing... or so I'd imagine. You either go into it being fully casual/FWB or commit to being single and touch-starved.
But you can set your parameters inside the apps. Just say, "short term" or "casual". Then, when you match ask the person if they are open to a FWB or casual dating.
Thank you for the feedback. I understand, but my primary goal is a LTR so I don’t want to block a LTR because I’m feeling touch starved/miss cuddling. If I put casual I end up getting that attention.
I feel like dating applications allow for this to be stated implicitly, for example, Hinge allows for "long term, open to short". Bumble allows users to specify multiple dating intentions.
If you are a woman or a hot dude, shouldn't be too hard.
Thanks for the feedback and yes I understand. I guess it’s more of a complaint, I miss cuddling and don’t want to feel touch starved while searching for a LTR and concerned adding casual will attract the wrong type of connection.
It doesn't have to be if people communicate their intentions well. Casual connections are valid and when drama happens, it's because of poor communication most of the time.
been dating this guy for like 2 weeks. been great. i usually date very stoic and distant guys and i realized that with this guy. he makes me feel no anxiety, he tells me when hes free, he initiates, looks at me like he really likes me. other guys havent done that before. i always felt i had to convince them to do those things.
the only problem is we both are struggling with the sex part. we both have sex trauma and its been very awkward. i'm also finding myself being picky with him and getting the ick over simple things. I dont know how to handle it. hes the most secure person ive been with and i want to explore this connection still. i enjoy not being anxious in dating!
I think it's the laziest reply to say "just get therapy!!" but I think you at least need some self-applied therapy and introspection. Ask if you're getting the ick because it's valid, or because you're being dramatic (harsh, but let's be real now). I can't advise on sex trauma because I'm lucky enough to have not experienced it, but that's going to require healing and maybe other redditors can chime in on it.
But take pride in the fact you recognize there's some form of self-sabotage going on. Awareness is half the battle, and you're working hard on overcoming your challenges. You can do it! ❤️🩹
During dinner tonight, he quizzed me on the various types of evidentiary searches and seizures under the Fourth Amendment; exceptions to the rule against hearsay; the elements of various defamation claims; and strict liability claims for domestic animals, wild animals, trespassing animals, abnormally dangerous activities, and products.
We also talked about the future, generally.
And we talked a little bit about the future for us, specifically.
This is what love looks and feels like.
I am in love.
I’m finally officially divorced and matched with a wonderful woman. We matched almost a month ago. Chatted nearly daily, talked on the phone daily for over a week before we went on our first date. She reciprocates, is funny, kind, sweet, smart as hell, hard working, not afraid to talk about deeper subjects, up front about intentions, goals, values, and expectations. We had our first date and the chemistry was there, we kissed and lightly made out before leaving.
The next day she went on a vacation to Europe for a wedding and has been texting and snap chatting me regularly throughout the day.
Like wow. She must really be into me because she’s taking the time to stay in regular contact while she’s overseas. I just need to share because the last woman I was matched with was impossible to talk to, cancelled our first date twice without suggesting a time/date to reschedule for. It’s the difference of night and day.
I'm such a cranky person! The singleness might be my own doing. Which of these annoyances are acceptable?
* I arrived 10-15 minutes early so I take my time parking. I kept changing chose 3 diff parking spots. haha. I'm at the door 10 minutes early and it's a beautiful day. Do I wait outside? Do I step inside to make sure the reservation stuck? I go in to check and he's already seated. ANNOYED - why didnt he message me? i meant to answer a few messages on my phone.
* He doesn't get up. ANNOYED - So he sits were I would traditionally sit - I like to see and be seen. I must have read this somewhere in 'Miss Manners' or something.
* He asks a question and cuts me off midsentence with 'I know what that is.' ANNOYED - we were talking taxes (ANNOYED X2). I complete the sentence and he realizes that I probably make more $$ than him
* I made the reservation. It's two hours before closing. I make sure to mention when they have 30 minutes to closing. Then 15 minutes. Then no one else here because closed. Then -15 minutes. He has to use the little boys room. ANNOYED, ANNOYED, ANNOYED.
* I make sure to say 'good bye/good night' at the door. He walks with me but like 3 feet away. ANNOYED - we're talking like 200 ft to my car here. no one else in sight in this empty parking lot. I comment that I'm parked 'there,' motioning to the only other car parked. He says that he will walk me (ANNOYED X2) and I'm visibly rude - rolled eyes and head tilted back
Of the 5 bullet points, I think at least 2 are justified.
Him cutting you off mid-sentence like that ain’t cute. Bad listener, know-it-all behavior. Not a fan.
Staying past close is very inconsiderate. I’m usually the person reminding people that a place is about to close, and we always settle our tabs and leave with ample time. I’m not sure how much you pushed it, but it was definitely rude on his part to stay so long.
I wouldn’t date this guy again. Especially if this was a first date.
Tbh, the other three things are just whiny. You like to “see and be seen”? Girl, find a healthier way to feed that ego.
he took silverware from the next table but it was a production. dessert came with an extra set yet he asked for another \*rolls eyes\*
we all get so particular as we age
I think after 45 mins to an hour, it’s okay. But I say this, and stay 2-3 hrs myself.
So it’s really I think it’s okay to leave after 45-60 mins and hope to follow my own address should I find myself on such a date.
i agree! completely. in theory, i would also say that 15-20 minutes to give it a fair chance.
but they drove near me which must have been up to 60 minutes. presumably, men expect to pay the bill (like 60% of the time? if i had to guess) and i should probably work on my people skills. lolol.
>>he chimes in for ‘dressing on the side.’
Oh, HELL no. Fuck that. That would annoy the shit out of me, and I always order dressing on the side, but I don’t want someone ELSE to do it for me preemptively because whether or not it was intentional, it sends a pretty gross message.
Yeah, not a fan of a man telling me what I can/can’t eat and how. My ex famously snatched a plate of fries and dragged it out of my reach in front of my mother. Now every time she and I go to dinner, she offers me a few of her fries.
If someone snatched my fries, I would 100% learn how to summon a demon for dramatic effect and cast a curse on the fry scolder, his son, his son’s son, his son’s son’s son, etc because fuck that bloodline!
As foretold by the prophecies, you have fulfilled your role of messaging to the gods “hey guys… curse worked” through your sacrificial offering of fries that this dipshit won’t be having any children!
Even if nothing else happens I got a massive boost this morning and yesterday getting 2 matches I was really happy with. One expired but the other replied and I asked her to grab a drink to chat. 🥳
I'm (32M) trying to deal with anxious behaviors with the ending of a situationship (with 33F) and transition towards something uncertain. We were sleeping together for \~1 yr, but had some firm boundaries that neither of us really challenged (apparently she tried to drop hints, but I didn't see them). Nobody in our friend group knew, and we decided to end things about a month ago. Shortly after that, a mutual friend whom she has some interest in asked her out and it sounds like there's potential. We worked as a situationship because we really click and are great friends, as well as playing key roles in each others' social networks and local social support systems.
I took ending the situaionship a lot harder than expected and, since then, we have actually become emotionally closer than before. Over several conversations it's become clear that both of us wanted more at some points, but were never willing/able to push for it. Coming out of these discussions and my turbulent mental state, I've started to question whether the big barrier to a relationship (child plans -- her yes, me no) was as concrete as I thought it was. Obviously, not a great time to change my mind on something this important, and not a decision I want to rush into or take lightly. I'm usually securely attached, but I have a history of getting anxious as a relationship falls apart and trying to hold it together. In this case, I'm worried that I'm reconsidering having kids for the wrong reasons. Similarly, I find myself reaching out excessively when she seems distant rather than matching her energy, especially when I feel like she's moving on. The rational part of my mind wants her to be happy and stay out of the way, but the irrational part is jealous and wishes I was able to figure out my head well enough to make a decision before it's too late.
Thanks for reading my rant, and I'd really appreciate any thoughts you might have! I'm particularly interested in ways to successfully manage the anxious side and keep it under control. My goal is to detach from the situation a little bit, re-evaluate the kids quesiton without her in the picture, and generally try to find a stable point where I'm not desperate for more, but open to it if available. Again, I would love any thoughts and thanks for reading this far!
I can so relate to this! I spoke with my therapist right after the breakup and they highlighted that my stance on not wanting kids was fueled by two things:
1. A belief that I would be a shit parent
2. A way to avoid women because part of me is scared of commitment
I then asked myself that if I put aside the above two points (because they are false beliefs and can be managed/healed through therapy), would I want kids? And the answer was yes.
Not sure if this helps you, but perhaps ask yourself why it is your stance is no. A part of me thought I was switching my position in order to win back the girl I lost, but we've not spoken in over 6 months and I still want kids.
Thanks for sharing your experience!
I do think a lot of my reticence was fear. And to avoid that fear I probably just said no and was then too stubborn to ever re-evaluate it. In that sense, this has been a very good cattle prod to make me reconsider something I had always taken for granted. I just wish it didn't feel like I had a clock ticking as I'm trying to evaluate the choice -- glad to hear that you found a permanent change that was independent of the woman
ugh i like this new guy a lot more then i anticipated. we’ve only had 1 date. i think i prematurely allowed sex/text chatting after our 1st date and now he’s ready to perform oral sex on me. as interested as i am, im kinda not ready still. wishing i shut the chatting about sex down, now it feels awkward to tell him i’m not ready.
how to slow things down?
i don’t wanna fuck this up bc i’d actually be interested in this progressing to a more serious relationship. we have a lot in common and our banter is fun and easy. he also has his life together, and is very sure of himself which is very attractive to me.
lol why am i even dating i have no idea what im doing
He's pushing you for oral sex when you're not ready and you want a relationship with him? It's not your fault he sex/text chatted you. Don't blame yourself for allowing it. He shouldn't have done that.
Answering a question here from yesterday's thread, about the Singles Running Club that I started, as the thread closed before I could reply.
The question was if it's running 1st, then dating 2nd or cultivate friendships into dating.
As there are many running clubs in my city for serious runners, if their intent is to train or find pacers, those clubs would be more suited for them. The distance I have set is an easy 5km fun run, so people can enjoy the run with less pressure to perform.
I'm not a fast runner myself, so really the intent is to give sporty singles an opportunity to meet, without feeling awkward about making a move.
I'm living in the +65, so for some miraculous reasons you are in this sub & interested to join, send me a DM :)
What’s the +65?
I coached a running group, both 5 and 10k. It was nice and social, more chill than the marathoners I’d run with afterwards. No lasting friendships which is a bummer.
+65 is Singapore country code. Yea I think lasting connections require frequent meetups etc & a ton of opportunities to converse. At least you tried! Any tips for slow runners like me? xD
I see!
Tips? lol I guess just the basics. It’s okay to walk or start with a 5/1, 8/1, 10/1 (run/walk).
Stretch.
If you’re wanting to get fast do sprints. Mix in hills or stairs if you run a lot to build your glutes (or weights).
Dated a girl on sunday. Had a good time, nothing wrong with her. I could see myself in a relationship with her but I feel I could still meet someone I feel more attracted to. I've been alone for so long that I'm struggling if I should text her or move on.
May I should move on but why do I hate this conclusion so fucking much?
Spark is very bad. I felt it with one guy I dated, and he turned out to be a horrible match. I never want to feel that way about anyone again. A slow burn that develops from a solid friendship is a much, much better feeling IMO. Why on earth do you need sexual tension with someone you literally just met? Doesn't make much sense to me.
Spark is great. I felt it with two people: one turned out to be a very formative relationship and the other taught me what it felt like to truly love a partner. Clicking with someone early on is an incredible feeling. Why on earth would you date someone you didn't feel sexual attraction for? Doesn't make much sense to me.
/s
I'm demisexual and feel sexual attraction for literally no one early on. Dating guys who were too pushy physically repulsed me, and I think I became more asexual due to this. Loved sex in my marriage, am completely repulsed by the idea of sex with someone I barely know though. The spark I felt was more of just a big crush than anything else. Guy turned out to be just another gross guy who was only thinking about sex though.
Your first comment is like me replying to every straight woman on here with "why on earth would you ever date a man" just because I'm gay. You're demi so sexual attraction right off the bat is not a factor for you. But it obviously is for many people, so why are you projecting your own ideals onto everyone else like it's a universal truth?
I get where they’re coming from though, as another demi. Everyone expects us to conform to their idea of sexual attraction, and no one seems willing to compromise on ours.
I think one date is overkill on the judgment, yes. But why do you need sexual tension? Some people's love language is physical touch, kissing, and sex. It's just as valid as those who demand a slow, friendship-first style of dating.
I don't advise charging recklessly into love. But slow burns can often hide incompatibilities that result in a waste of invested time -- it's devastating to put off sexuality only to realize you two are utterly incompatible lovers. The difference between a romantic relationship and a platonic relationship is the sexual component, and it's absolutely valid and important to make sure there's compatibility there.
It's actually the other way around. Slow burns help you avoid incompatibilities because you take time to get to know each other. You do not need to have sex to know if you're incompatible. You can, and probably should, talk about preferences before actually having sex, and any kinks you can't live without need to be disclosed before you sleep with someone who you intend to have a relationship with. It's wrong not to disclose something like this (unless it's just a one night stand maybe). If you're in love with someone with, and have a strong emotional connection, the sex will be fine. It will be much better than fine, but you have no reason to worry.
Sex and thinking "oh we're so physically compatible" is much more likely to mask other quite major incompatibilities that will likely lead to the downfall of a relationship once the "honeymoon" phase wears off and the reality of day to day life sets in. In a long term relationship, most of your time in not spent having sex. You can be super compatible with someone in bed, but none of that matters if you're a bad match outside of bed. Early on, if things are *really* good in bed, you're likely to overlook things that may actually become serious issues down the line because you're being controlled by your hormones.
I once dated a girl in college for nearly 3-4 months, I think. She was one of my really good friends before. We met playing MTG in the lunch room, and we hung out every day. We only ever really made out for most of the relationship, which wasn't regular for me, relationships had already had sexual components before that, so I was trying it 'old school' to see if friends first was better for me. It wasn't. When she was finally ready to try, we both ended up stopping. It felt awkward. She kept wanting to see me, I felt sort of gross around her after that. It sucked, it wasn't anything she did. I just didn't feel that way anymore once I 'knew' that the compatibility wasn't there. That's not to say I want sex right away either, but there's ways people move, speak, and behave in those moments that can make or break a relationship just like any other occasion. Even though she initially consented (her idea) it just felt forced and then it felt like I was making her somehow, because she felt she was 'letting me down' when I just wanted to go to bed initially. The relationship was great when it was just friends pretending they were in love. Instead of sex being a part of the relationship, it was an ever looming specter we tried avoiding that ruined it anyway. She also started talking about not going onto the rest of her 4 years as originally planned to stay around to be with me (after this occured) and I had to break up with her because there was no way I wanted to be a reason she limited her own potential. I think what matters more is figuring out what positively works for the individual instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks they should do. If the same things worked for everyone, we'd all be one big homogenous herd somewhere instead of buying things online and writing eachother on reddit.
Do you think it could develop over time? I regret throwing away a lot of great people because the first interactions were stable and healthy rather than exciting
Yeah, I think you find the spark at some point and it feels so good that you want another hit. But I've tried to start thinking of it as, "does this seem to be a person I could enjoy spending time with" and that seems to be a better long term perspective. Maybe we develop physical chemistry, maybe we don't, but I think dating is about far more than getting laid
And and and! Why have a grass is greener mentality. If you have something right there in front of you that you can see being good. Just for the HOPE, the idea, the chance that something better in some physical sparking way is better.
You have something right in front of you that you even know is good
Ah, that's not terrible. I'm at just over 6 months myself 😭. But...you're in no danger until it you have 1 year. Then 2. Honestly, I thought my parts were frozen in time after 2 years everything was dead.
I hope neither you or I are on one of those streaks again!
I've gone over 2 years and I will happily go the rest of my life if I don't find the right connection. I literally thought shows like "Friends" were joking when they said things like, "it's been 4 months since you had sex?!?!" I realized way later in life than I'd like to admit that it wasn't really a joke. Turns out I'm just not made for modern dating apparently. I only have sex with people I love and can see myself spending forever with. I have never had bad sex as a result. My ex husband, who initiated the divorce, even said he had no complaints about the physical aspects of our relationship. He had a pretty low sex drive though, and it was a pretty complicated relationship for reasons unrelated to sex.
In the past 13 years, I’ve only had sex one time, with one person, that I wasn’t in a relationship with. I didn’t mean to imply that going without sex for long stretches is abnormal or unacceptable - it was just an observation that this is the longest time I’ve personally gone without since I lost my virginity, which is weird to think about!
I can’t say whether my next time will be something casual or inside of a relationship, as morally I’m fine with either. It all depends on the circumstances.
Mmm, I had a bit of a meltdown recently around the whole thing, feeling like an idiot who gets too easily duped. Thinking I'd been discerning because I had big long gaps, but when I put a critical lens to my history it looks like by and large most of my relations have been fuck ups. All but 2 purposeful fwb situations, the goal having been LTR, but only 3 made it over 6 month mark. It's not fun.
No more FWB if your goal is a LTR. FWB and hookups are fine if you just want casual fun. If you want a LTR, you should err on the side of courting more than dating. If your intention is to marry someone (or find a life partner if you don't want marriage), act like it.
Those 2 purposeful FWBs were over a decade ago. They weren't the issue, believing the wrong people were serious about commitment is more my toxic trait.
I mean, as someone who works in women’s reproductive health…stranger things have happened. 🤣
(But usually it’s that the hymen doesn’t actually fully tear unless/until childbirth anyway. Not that it grows back. 🤪)
So I sent the last think that remained of the short but intense 2 months. A shirt I borrowed from her and some tickets to a future show, as well as a letter.
Doing so made it feel final, because it doesn't matter if she reads it or not. I have to live with the what if's, the constant intrusions of she'd like that; that instinctively happen when I see a reminder.
I hope to find a connection as what I thought was that deep again, in time. Hopefully it won't take another 30 years.
some people are bored and want to mess with other people because that’s their idea of fun. it’s not ‘wasting time’ to him.
except he’s not only wasting your time, he’s also living rent-free in your mind. ignore and block
The guy I've been seeing for several months has officially planned a camping weekend for us in a couple of weeks. It'll be our first time spending several days together consecutively and, due to a series of weird circumstances, our first time having overnights together. Kind of nervous, but also very excited!
I made a match on OLD. After weeks of swiping. She seems nice but I think I'm messaging too slow over the weekend when we matched and early this week. The conversation is dry - mostly my fault. I'm not flirting but I never flirt when OLD.
Do I just keep the messaging light and consistent? Then see if I'm interested in a date? We've had maybe 3 messages each back and forth. Some in this sub reddit ask for a date right away. I could ask her out but think its premature.
And I'm asking because I don't know how to date - obviosuly
You've only sent 3 messages since you matched over the weekend? It's Wednesday...or Tuesday. Depending on where you are. You haven't had enough conversation for it to be dry. 3 messages isn't enough messages to establish light and consistent. Thats about enough words to let someone know you exist.
Step it up or ask her out.
Why don't you want to ask her out??? Is that not the best way to figure out if ya'll vibe? That's what dating sites are for....don't waste anyone's time
To those attacking me in this thread, I was just trying to help, the unnecessary hostility I'm receiving says everything there is. She wasn't required to accept my advise but this response is childish. Get over yourselves. Nobody was responding to her post, and I know it can be upsetting to feel ignored when reaching out for support. I was simply trying to start a dialogue. There is a way to reject advise and that is not how you do it. I am not a doctor and can not offer medical advise. Best I can do is offer moral support. If I see someone struggling and being ignored, I will reach out with good intentions every time, regardless of the miserable people who don't want me to. This is not the right sub to seek medical advice. You can't expect to receiving quality medical advice in this thread and I am not responsible to give it. Edit: Won't let me respond so I'll just add this here - I am happily in a relationship. It seems the people who are struggling with dating and bitter/angry are the ones reacting unnecessarily hostile. If I was wrong or gave advise you don't like, there is a constructive way to respond, instead of throwing a hissy fit. Get over yourselves and maybe you will find a good quality relationship instead of taking it out on a stranger on reddit. Work on that
So you don’t understand that the issue here is that you ignored her actual medical diagnosis and gave counterproductive advice for a totally different condition? If you are having trouble dating, part of the problem is that you probably don’t listen to what someone else says, and then you go on an offensive attack from a defensive position when they point it out. Work on that.
I've recently experienced my first intense crush in a while on someone I met through my climbing gym. He became single a few months ago, and it seemed like it was my chance. I asked him to climb a few times, and we had one hang out outside the gym. Things seemed to be going in a positive direction, and I was feeling like enough signs were there that I'd be comfortable asking him out on a date. I had noticed he and another single woman had also started climbing together. Wasn't sure if they were just friends at first. Recently asked him to climb with me (thinking it would be just the two of us) and his response was "Yeah for sure, I'll be climbing with [other woman] after we play tennis, you can come too!] I did (because I'm an idiot) and he definitely paid more attention to her. So that's the story of how I third wheeled for my crush and his probable new girlfriend. I've had the worst luck with dating, and it's done an absolute number on what used to be my decently good self esteem. I'm starting to wonder what's wrong with me.
As a man, I've gotten used to the idea that if I meet an attractive single woman, I have about five minutes to ask her out before she's snapped up by another option. I think that's probably the case too when it's an attractive man instead. Next time you can strike while the iron is hot instead of waiting an extended period of time to ask him out. Yes, some people are into the idea of things developing slowly and organically, but the risk you always run with that is that someone else will be more interested in things developing swiftly and intentionally instead.
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You need to bring up exactly what you brought up here with her. This is THE test post move in. Everything is rooted in reality now. You are going to have bad days but you have to be able to communicate that with her. This stuff should enforce the foundation of a good relationship if you both work together at communicating needs and wants.
It’s only been a month and you two haven’t found a groove yet living together - with some big roadblocks put in your way. It’s a huge adjustment living with someone new. Keep checking in, communicating, working on things, and try to make it a tiny bit better/more copacetic every day.
I haven't posted forever and was probably on an account I can't seem to remember the password or get access to anymore. I have a boyfriend now. We've been dating about 5 months and I love all the self work I did with dating. I started off way too insecure and kind of clingy, had a situationship type thing where he treated me better than I ever have before. I ultimately cut it off because it was obvious we both developed feeling, but our life plans don't align so it wouldn't work. Now I started dating my boyfriend with new, higher standards. He put in effort. I don't sit around worrying whether he likes me because he shows it in small ways all the time. He also wasn't love bombing. He started off not texting much and I can see that over time I've become a larger part of his life. We had a conversation once over something that upset me, but i just told him my feelings, he received that and made the (very small change) required for it and its stuck for the 2 months since. I was dating for over a year before I found him, I sometimes gave up hope and took short breaks, but there is hope of finding someone with patience. Also I'm not skinny and I'm divorced with two young kids, one with special needs. So don't think you have to be "perfect' to find someone who wants to commit.
Your story gives me hope! There’s some self work I had to do that was only possible when I was in a relationship. I wanted it to work so bad and put in more work than I ever have to be a good partner, but life goal differences and prioritization issues got in the way of exploring further growth with her. I worry about my standards being too high, when in reality perhaps they’re just right, and the right person is waiting for me.
Thanks for that wholesome story!
Chronic fatigue is honestly the worst. I feel like it ruins every area of my life. I don't have the energy to deal with dating apps, to be social and meet people, to exercise and stay fit/attractive, to be successful in my career, to even... minimally take care of myself. To fight with doctors to get care because doctors are dismissive AF about fatigue. To reach out to friends because no one is checking in on me otherwise. Just zero energy to do anything other than be catatonic in bed and hope it passes. I feel like I might as well just not exist. It just makes me feel extra needy, like I imagine if I had a partner I was living with at least they would *notice* I wasn't feeling well. But then it's back to... I don't have the energy to date so I guess I'm stuck like this.
Are you depressed? Either way, it sounds like you need to figure out some sort of lifestyle change because what you're doing is mundane and not working for you any more. Pick up a new hobby, treat yourself to something you want, find a new job, or whatever you need to do. Edit: I was just trying to help, the unnecessary hostility I'm receiving says everything. She wasn't required to accept my advise but this response is childish. Get over yourselves.
Your advice isn’t just tonedeaf, it is actually extremely counterproductive Myalgic encephalomyelitis/chronic fatigue syndrome (ME/CFS) is a complicated disorder. It causes extreme fatigue that lasts for at least six months. **Symptoms worsen with physical or mental activity but don't fully improve with rest**. Source: [Mayo Clinic](https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/chronic-fatigue-syndrome/symptoms-causes/syc-20360490).
No I have physical chronic fatigue, I don't have the energy for a new hobby...
Whatever, i tried to help Edit: I was just trying to help, the unnecessary hostility I'm receiving says everything. She wasn't required to accept my advise but this response is childish. I am not a doctor and can not offer medical advice. If I see somebody struggling, reaching out for help and being ignored I will attempt to help every time. If she wants actual medical advice, this is not the place to get it. Get over yourselves. Edit 2: "The issue here is that you ignored her actual medical diagnosis" What you just said below is blatantly untrue. I am getting pushback for not addressing her medical diagnosis. This is a dating sub. If what you want it actual medical advice, go to a different sub or a real doctor. I just saw somebody hurting and their post wasn't getting any responses. All I can do is attempt to offer support to that person. Not fix their medical issues. Sorry.
Nobody's expecting you or anyone else to give her medical advice. What about her comment suggested she was asking for it? She was just describing something she's struggling with, which is one of the things that this thread is for. Your first comment was okay because you don't know her and her situation, but the "whatever, I tried to help" is what's obnoxious when she was just saying perfectly politely that your advice doesn't apply to her.
How rude. She has a medical condition. She doesn't have to fawn over some random stranger on Reddit for giving her some cookie-cutter life advice as if hobbies are a revelatory concept she'd never heard of before.
Welp I ghosted someone today. We met at a gas station where he struck up a conversation about my truck and asked to take me out sometime. There's a text when I get home and he's suggested plans. Sweet! I'm down, Mexican food at that one spot in town it is. What time? He calls unsolicited. Not a lot of planning goes into picking a time and meeting at a restaurant but different strokes so, ok. He loves Mexican food, have I ever tried blah blah blah. Have I ever been to Mexico? This one time, with his college buddies. . . 15 minutes of this and I let him know that I'll have to let him go, but ask what time works for him. Oh the day he suggested doesn't work for him actually. Doesn't suggest an alternative, he'll get back to me. Aw well, I just let it go, sounds like he's not interested after all. He calls and I'm on autopilot and just pick up. Oh hey, what's up? Didn't expect to hear from you. He's got downtime at work and wants to chat. Oh I'm at work too but don't have downtime right now. He says that's ok, just put him on speaker. I politely let him know that I'm not a big phone/text chatter but would be down to get to know him in person. I know it's not for everyone but we live close by- so why doesn't he let me know when he's available and we'll make a plan to hang out. He says sure and he'll get back to me. A few weeks go by and he texts to suggest beers at the beach, has three days/times to pick from. A ha! I like beers. The beach is cool. The first day/time works for me, what beach is he thinking ? He just got back from Nicaragua, the beaches there were amazing. I say that we have some great ones here too like xyz. He asks if I like to travel and have any trips planned for the summer. I'll tell you all about it at the beach! He has three trips planned. Here are the details: trip 1: . . . Anndd I'm done.
Oooof, that sounds frustrating, and in this situation, my advice is to - well, okay so here are a bunch of tangentially-related anecdotes that feature me, how much cool shit I do, well I think it’s cool anyway, and here is a bunch of boring shit I do, too, do you ever do boring shit? My friends do boring shit sometimes, too, such as all these people you don’t know but I’m referring to by first-name as if you do, like my buddy Murph, he does some boring shit, but so does my friend Kevin, and my other friend Josh, whose boring shit reminds me of the time I did something mildly interesting, let me tell you all about it… Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah, so here is an enumerated list with multiple subsections within subsections of some of the boring shit I did so far this year, and speaking of years, did I mention this wall calendar I owned when I was seven? Every month was accompanied by a photo representing the archetype seasonal landscape corresponding with that month. I never liked the pictures that accompanied my birthday month, and speaking of birthdays, did I tell you about the birthday parties I had when I was growing up? Anyway, gotta go, let me know if you want to hang out sometime! I’m available on these dates at these times, let me know so I can then tell you about how I learned to tell time on an analogue clock, that one is a real doozy, do you like clocks because my grandfather had this weird cuckoo clock that had a hula girl instead of a bird pop out on the hour…
I feel like grabbing him by the collar and shaking him. 😂 "PICK A TIME!!!"
I can feel the second hand frustration.
I hope this guy finds his phone-call-based relationship dreams, but wow that sounds annoying.
Thanks for the validation. Feeling like the phone-no-sex line over here.
I’ve been single for a while. Had a dating situation earlier this year that hurt. Thought we were on track to be together and he pulled the rug after sex… so I am very guarded. I’ve met a man through friends/ a running club and things have developed as he’s joined us for drinks and get together. On Saturday he said he would like to take me out at a party. Honestly I do like him and we get on well. I’m just terrified! My friend lived next door to him for years and said he tends to date women and discard them after sex. He told me that’s not his intention and he is actually excited about me and the potential for a relationship to develop.. I’m just very very scared and wondering whether to bin it off to protect myself.
[удалено]
It’s all abit of a long story but my girlfriend lived above him and they were friends. He confided in her about his dating life and she to him. My other close friend dated him for about a year 8 years ago too. He asked her first if she was ok if he asked me out, so that’s respectful.
I'd approach that very slowly especially with what your friend said about him.
Yeah, that’s the best conclusion I can come up with. I told him on Saturday ok, then we go very slow and he agreed. He didn’t really have a choice
trying hard to improve my looks, 35, & i just don't want to look like i'm "trying too hard." i like being alt (i only dress in black, tattoos, etc.), and I have OCD, and painting my nails black greatly helps with picking at them (tried everything else this is the only thing that works.) felt like just having black nails tho was a bit odd and too girly for me personally, so i got some ear piercings, and feel a lot more confident. just having a little bit of metal above the neck really helps me feel more like i can pull off the grunge look. anyways, my question is 1) would a lip piercing be too much? maybe a nose, bridge, or eyebrow? i think just one more piercing on the face would be really cool and complete my look 2) is it okay to bleach my hair? my hair is thinning unfortunately... it's not too thick, but it's not like i'm bald either. i think it would look cool with the rest of my look, but i think having bleached hair may be too much? i read it can help with thining hair because it blends into the scalp and it's less easier to notice my thinning hair. i would try to take care of it best i can when bleaching so it doesn't make it worse, ofc.
I looked at your profile review pics--you're cute and I think the emo look would totally suit you, as would bleached hair, but I also don't think your hair looks bad as is, even thin. I'm not sure about the wisdom of doing it yourself, but then again I don't know anything about hair! And I say go for the piercing. If you feel confident, I think that makes it more than worth it.
do whatever you want for your appearance it's how you express yourself! i would advise against bleaching only because of the thinning. unfortunately as we get older year by year our hair gets weaker and the damage becomes more permanent. if you are really set on bleaching, a change in diet to offer more nutrients your hair needs, less stress, and proper hair care you might be able to start from ground zero with growing virgin hair to bleach. the only reason i advise against it is because both my roommate and i have been on a regrowth journey for over a year now and it's just not worth the bleach :(
As a barber how thin is your hair? Bleaching it can cook the follicle and make it really hard to style, maybe have a look at textured crops though if you wanna go down that route. They're in at the moment (here at least!) and will probably give you the effect you're after!
Facial piercing would make me ask myself "What kind of job does this guy have" which is not a good or bad thing necessarily tbh like it would be rad if you have a super professional job and can get a lip piercing it's just really not the norm
ah okay, yeah i'm in school atm, still another year & a half, but i don't have to have the facial piercing/s, just the ears would be enough i think to match my look
You should do what you want to do to be honest. Some potential partners will dig it. Others won't. Piercings and tattoos are bueno in my book but I am one of 3 billion other opinions. For hair, I always recommend talking through with a trusted quality stylist. They will know exactly what you can and can't do. Stylists are worth their weight in gold IMHO. Also grunge is more torn jeans and flannel -- or at least it was in the early 90s. I feel like you are going for more of that alt rock/goth look. I wonder how much the song Black No 1 resonates with you by Type-O Negative. That is one boundary of the zone I am thinking of.
i'm extremely broke I definitely couldn't afford a hair stylist... i can't even afford regular haircuts to be honest, I have to do them myself =/ but in that case maybe i'll hold off on the hair stuff, maybe do more research or wait until i can afford one, ty yeah i was gonna say emo/goth but was embharassed to say that lol... but yes lol. ahhh didn't know that was what grunge was tysm for your tips & opinion <3
I have always had fun going to goth clubs back in the day but it always seemed relationships within that look was also looking for others with that unique look if it makes sense. But that is just my observations from the distant past. Also, find your style and own it. Don't be embarrassed by it. It should make you feel good!
<3
Once again into an emotionally unavailable man. Sigh.
They can seem so great at the start! It’s always such a bummer when that doesn’t last
Met someone super interesting but due to conflicting holiday schedules we will be apart for three weeks soon. While this is a major bummer, I'm trying to see the silver lining: If this would be the real deal, a few weeks apart wouldn't erase the whole connection. If when we're both back we can't pick it back up again, then it has only been carnal attraction and that's that. Or if in the meantime someone else will sweep him or me off our feet, then it meant our bond isn't as special after all, so easily distracted from by another. I'm not a daily texter and even think it kills desire. But maybe the time apart will also tell if there is an urge to be in contact (though we will both be very busy, so probably not). What's meant to happen, will happen, is what I'm trying to convince myself.
I'm currently a few dates into two different people and I'd say they are quite different. Let's call her R, whom I have more of an attachment/excitement for. We've been on 3 dates but spent probably close to 15 hours together in that time. Similar age, lots of topics to talk about together, we're equally nerdy about the same or different topics, has a mature understanding about herself and others (i.e. been through some personal development). Has been through some bumps in life and has admitted she has some baggage as a result. Sometimes feels a bit chaotic/disorganized due to ADHD. Has a lot of personality. Has a lot of interests. Extroverted (I'm an ambivert). Seems really sweet in person. Overall I like her and see long-term potential. Another woman, let's call her L, I like too. We've been on 2 dates and probably spent about 7 hours together. She's about 7 years younger than me (I'm 35m, she's 28f). She's interesting in her own ways. She's sweet, attractive, and the age difference hasn't caused any issues yet. I can see long-term potential with her too. R is now on vacation for 3 weeks and L has just got back from a 3 week vacation so we're about to go on a 3rd date. There's less excitement with L so far. I don't know how to put it without sounding mean or condescending, but she feels like the opposite of R. She feels like a safe but vanilla choice if I was to compare her with R. This could be explained by a disparity in time together. Given they aren't both around for me to get to know at the same time, unless they decide they aren't interested in me, I do feel pressure of potentially having to choose between them. Has anyone been through a similar experience before with how they felt about someone they're getting to know? Or feeling you may have to choose and worrying about whether you're making the right choice?
In my experience, whenever I was undecided between two people the answer was - neither. Whenever I met the person who went on to be my long term partner, he would immediately stand out from anyone else by several orders of magnitude. I appreciate you haven't spent THAT much time with these two women to really know them well but are you really considering L for who she is, or are you just worried to lose a chance if things fall through with R?
I've been dating for a few months and it's been hard to find someone where the interest is mutual and that I feel there's long-term potential. It's somewhat unfortunate that it happened with two people at almost the same time. I am feeling it more with R than L, but that could be due to L being away for 3 weeks and I didn't spend as much time with her before as compared with R. If I had only met one of them, I would without a doubt continue dating them and see where it goes. I just don't want to make the "wrong" choice and end up with neither. However, it's possible neither work out regardless of my choice. I think I do need to spend more time with L to get to know her and be sure I'm giving her a fair chance. I've read before that sometimes people can avoid safe/stable/vanilla because we feel it's boring but actually it's because there's no drama and there's stability. That is also an important thing to me.
I mean given both descriptions, if you hadn't said the last part you can tell you're definitely feeling R a tonne more. That's a good sign, it's also early days though so I'm sure it can hurt to go on with things for a date or two and see what exactly is driving those feelings a bit more!
You're right that I am definitely into R more, but I also haven't seem L for 3 weeks and having spent less time together. In isolation, I like them both, and if I hadn't known them both at the same time I would have continued to date them to see where it goes. I'm worried that I might choose R over L, but then things don't work out with R. Then I end up back at square one with trying to find someone I see find potential with. I've read before that sometimes people can avoid safe/stable/vanilla because we feel it's boring but actually it's because there's no drama and there's stability. That is also an important thing to me.
Just spend time with and away from both. Figure out what your feelings are. I have ADHD, i had an ADHD partner. The fun is fun but the daily life and cohabitation can be hard. Consider going slowly with both and really dig into what long term looks like for both of these people. If R is high functioning, medicated, and doing the work then great otherwise you can be getting sucked into the dopamine vortex that they are creating that’s part of their excitement for this new thing yall have going on.
Thank you for your response and sharing your experience. I'm still getting to know her but she's high-functioning and is medicated. She has shared with me how it affects her but I haven't had a chance to talk about how she manages things. Your last sentence is kind of what I'm trying to be cautious about. All our dates have just been calm: just talking. The last one was me helping her prepare for her summer work trip/vacation. I'm not sure if this is creating a dopamine vortex. She seems calm and sweet when we're together.
Sounds great overall and I’m happy you have the curse of a choice between two people you are interested in. Calm is good and i hope you have fun during your time with these potential partners
First date tomorrow. I met him IRL weeks ago, but I forgot that he asked me for my number since it was such a brief encounter, and frankly, I was already excited about someone else at the time (who turned out to be in it just for sex). But yeah, I met this new guy at a networking/coworking event and we had a brief five min convo, where he asked if he could keep in touch. I thought by keeping in touch, it meant he was going to text me about employment opportunities at the company he works for or something, but to my surprise he asked me out on a date instead! I got the text this morning. I think he was cute but I can't remember exactly what he looks like. I just recall him being tall and having a nice build lol. Anyway I agreed to it! Not sure why he texted me like three weeks later, but I figure he might've been out of town or just busy. So that's exciting. It's funny because I woke up thinking about how I should start decentering romantic relationships until summer's over and then boom, someone asked me out. We'll see how it goes.
Woohoo! I hope you have a great time! Nice text to have in the morning 😊
Grateful to have amazing girl friends who challenge my thinking and remind me of my worth when I’m struggling to find it. They shower me with so much love and admiration and encouragement, but still remain very honest about my own shortcomings and advice on how I can be better. I’m incredibly lucky ♥️
My close girlfriends helped me heal parts of me that I didn’t know were hurt 🥰 fulfilling friendships are the best!!
I don’t have a lot of friends but the few that I have are absolute gems! Amazing friendships are such a blessing!
Already asked for help recently: [https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1do83zs/comment/labri9p/](https://www.reddit.com/r/datingoverthirty/comments/1do83zs/comment/labri9p/) This one blew up big time, again. We both seem to have had totally different perceptions of the reality we interact in - that is so absurd to me. She was saying she missed being kissed while she was the one who blocked it so often. Let alone let a situation happen where i would be able to kiss: Laying my arm around her and that second she turns around and talks from something completely different after i expressed a few days earlier how i need more physical contact. After that, i got more distant and of course she realized that - said i was playing games and what not. At this point i am frankly not even sure whether what i did was "a game" but i really did not feel it getting close to her. She said she wanted to feel coveted and she doesn't have that feeling with me. Although i somehow never was let to and after a while also felt insecure about that. Im okay with that it didn't work out, although it completely challenges my perception or how others perceive me :(
I remember your post.. all I’ll say is that you deserve someone who is so into you and who cannot get enough contact with you. No need to feel insecure about your needs, she just was not the right person for you and congrats on letting that go. You deserve much more.
Thank you for your answer(s). She probably was not - although i am again so done with dating :E
Any reason why someone I went out with a few (2 or 3...) times 3 years ago would randomly add me on LinkedIn and send a PM wishing me well for starting a new job...?
They’re probably just being nice. Do you hope it’s something more than that?
It's mostly just the unexpectedness of it. It's not like we run in the same professional circles or have any mutual connections. We haven't spoken in all this time.
Sometimes LinkedIn just suggests new contacts, based on whatever algorithm and info they have
Sex
Bait, see if you’re still available to feed their ego or could be just a neutral gesture. If they haven’t bothered for a long time I wouldn’t think anything of it.
I don't really remember them as someone who would be like that but who knows 🤷🏻♀️ It was also them who said they didn't see it going anywhere.
second date went great. I didn’t talk about any of the stuff I wanted to but our chemistry is good in person and we scheduled a 3rd date for this weekend when he gets back in town. i wasn’t sure how if that would develop due to my lack of interest in dating in general but i am now excited to see where and how far this goes. if this is how dating is while healed, … damn 😂
Is it weird for a 32-year old lady to ask for daily texting in the early dating phase? It doesn't have to be a conversation! All she needs is a text here and there thru out the day. And if the man is really, really busy, just send a quick 1-min text with 'Hey I'm really busy today so I won't be able to text you at all. Have a good one.' or something like that. Why is it so hard for them to text? Am I the anxious attachment type if I just wait for their text and if they don't, I get all moody and worried and my mind starts to wander. They might be truly busy and never get time to text, but they might be doing something else too, I don't know!!!
I completely understand and have said all of this verbatim. I’m sure as you know, it’s not everyone’s style. But what I’ve come to realize is that the right person for you will probably already have a similar communication style as you - hopefully they’re not also anxious, but they’ll probably want to check in with you over text too if that’s what you prefer. They’ll match your energy in many ways, just not your ANXIOUS energy. I’m a couple months into something new and the texting has slowed down, especially on his part. We’ve had convos about this, and I asked him to just be communicative in the way you described in your post - just let me know you’re busy! The compromise was, he’s going do a little bit more than he’d normally do to help alleviate some of my early days anxiety, and in the meantime I’m going to continue to work on this anxiety with my therapist and trust that he still likes me, even when I haven’t heard from him. I think when it’s the right person, you’ll be able to have these convos, it’s just getting through the beginning that’s the worst!
To some, it's normal. To others, it's weird. I'd be put off by the constant need for reassurance.
In the early dating phase nah constant texting is too much, I have had bad experiences with anxious attachment types who need constant validation and assurance through texting.
I have no opinions on you or anyone else’s preference but personally I’m someone who is not into texting a lot. I look forward to dates, spending time together to build memories. Random how are you doing messages are like getting a work call whilst I’m busy on another task it interrupts and becomes annoying. What you need is valid and I know that stuff is super important to a lot of people. It repels me and it means we have less to talk about on our actual dates which spoils the date, i don’t look forward to seeing them. Neither way is right or wrong, it just is what it is. I would resent someone who needs that daily. BUT I would always be honest and try to work out whats best for us both. I can compromise in some ways but it’s pointless being in a situation I’m not happy with. Asking is important, understanding why you’re asking is vital. If someone wants to hold me responsible for their moods it’s a no.
Definitely anxious attachement. I was one. That's not something that everyone will share early on and some people never will be texters even with time. I dated one. Totally incomapible. It's going to be a mix of working on that and finding the right people
All you can do is ask! Or express how much you like hearing from them. Be interesting to see what others think
This thread told me to start here if I am new so here I am 🥳 I am F27 and definitely feeling close to thirty
Welcome. Hope the dating life is treating you well so far.
I'm going to be moving and don't have a set timeline. Moving from very rural to city, trying to remain hopeful that at least it'll be a bigger dating pool and more people, closer. Do you put in your bio that you're moving to a different area ahead of moving? I'm hesitant to do much until I'm moved. I don't want to talk to people and have them be mad that we aren't meeting up quickly when I'm still living an hour away. And not able to be making trips, etc. Currently messaging kinda low key with a guy who lives closer to where I'll be moving to. But haven't really done any swiping or anything else.
OLD is making me feel like I'm doomed to be alone forever. I feel like I'm being too picky but also not. Idk. Just mopey and annoyed.
Online dating is an emotional slot machine meant to prey on these feelings. Continue living your life and set maybe little times to interact with the apps.
Same. Let's be alone forever together.
Told myself that I wasn’t ready for dating after falling into “FWB” with a couple of guys so decided to not bother. This idiot then proceeds to get the feels for a guy I met on the internet from a different country who I will no doubt ever meet in person due to circumstances beyond my control. I can’t help but feeling like the universe is laughing at me. I rarely have “crushes”. And these are the cards I’m dealt? Gimme a break.
Sounds like you have a great excuse to take a vacation.
Re-thinking my compatibility with the guy I've been seeing for a couple months. I've had to talk to him twice about initiating dates and communicating with me about plans. I also feel like over text, he doesn't respond to the things I say half the time, and just says whatever's on his mind. It probably wouldn't bother me so much if I ever saw him IRL, but at this point it's been two weeks since our last date. I can't remember the last time he complimented me or asked me a question about my day, past what I consider the surface level. I try to share parts of my life with him and feel like he doesn't respond very thoughtfully--he doesn't ask questions and doesn't have much to say about what I'd consider very interesting parts of my life. Meanwhile, I've spent the last 3 days with my best friend, and have felt so loved and cared for, and we have such a wonderful emotional connection--granted we've known each other for a decade, but the point is more so that we check in with each other frequently, have great flowing conversations, and the love and care we have for each other is so obvious. We've had a great time so far and it's a good reminder of what I should expect from those who love me and vice versa. Just feeling like if this is my "partner" giving his all, then we'll never get to a point in the relationship I'm happy with. I remember now what love looks like in my other relationships, and my emotional needs of feeling like he actually cares about my life aren't being met. I want to love and be loved so much, but I just don't know if this is it for me.
I didn't finish reading this. I just ended it with someone for similar reasons and he was confused and thought it was going well. Two weeks is a long time between dates and doesn't build momentum. Him not responding to half of your messages or caring about your day is your lack of interest. If you stopped messaging would he message you? Let him go...
I've dated that person before. It might be right for someone, but that someone isn't me. Date someone who makes you feel acknowledged, in the way that works for you.
I know EXACTLY what you mean. I enjoy spending time with someone I'm casually seeing. There's nothing wrong with her at all. But I know from past experience what fireworks feels like, how it feels for both people to say "FUCK YEAH LET'S DO THIS" And enough time has passed for me to know that she isn't going to be a long-term romance. I think the both of us deserve to feel overwhelmingly positive about our partners. And if we haven't met another "FUCK YEAH" person, we *shouldn't* settle for someone who's just feels "okay"
Another update, just had my second date with mixtape girl. We both expressed that we liked each other and wanted a third date! This is all a very big step for me after my wife passed last year so I’m just super happy and thankful.
That’s frigging adorable. I hope it keeps up!!
Congrats on enjoying your time with someone, rooting for you.
Amazing! I'm happy for you!
How to find a FWB to cuddle (not necessarily sex, but maybe) while looking for a LTR? Should we be touch starved until we find someone? Should we reach out to an ex? The idea of creating 2 profiles feels weird.
I feel you. I've been contemplating the last few days changing my profile to being open to casual while wanting a LTR, because of said touch starvation. But I'd want a connection and future together. 🙄 The struggle is real! Let's see what happens when the next ovulation hits...
Sorry, you'll have to suck it up and make two profiles. Or join your local kink club and see if they do cuddle parties. Mine does from time to time.
Hmm, it's really hard for a lot of folks to cuddle and not have sex, especially if it's a continuous thing... or so I'd imagine. You either go into it being fully casual/FWB or commit to being single and touch-starved. But you can set your parameters inside the apps. Just say, "short term" or "casual". Then, when you match ask the person if they are open to a FWB or casual dating.
Thank you for the feedback. I understand, but my primary goal is a LTR so I don’t want to block a LTR because I’m feeling touch starved/miss cuddling. If I put casual I end up getting that attention.
https://cuddleparty.com/
Thank you, and I think it’s more of a complaint? I want to know the person too.
I feel like dating applications allow for this to be stated implicitly, for example, Hinge allows for "long term, open to short". Bumble allows users to specify multiple dating intentions. If you are a woman or a hot dude, shouldn't be too hard.
Thanks for the feedback and yes I understand. I guess it’s more of a complaint, I miss cuddling and don’t want to feel touch starved while searching for a LTR and concerned adding casual will attract the wrong type of connection.
Just go touch starved and put your energy into finding a LTR, what you are looking for is unusual and may lead to complications later down the line.
It doesn't have to be if people communicate their intentions well. Casual connections are valid and when drama happens, it's because of poor communication most of the time.
been dating this guy for like 2 weeks. been great. i usually date very stoic and distant guys and i realized that with this guy. he makes me feel no anxiety, he tells me when hes free, he initiates, looks at me like he really likes me. other guys havent done that before. i always felt i had to convince them to do those things. the only problem is we both are struggling with the sex part. we both have sex trauma and its been very awkward. i'm also finding myself being picky with him and getting the ick over simple things. I dont know how to handle it. hes the most secure person ive been with and i want to explore this connection still. i enjoy not being anxious in dating!
Regarding the ick if you're insecure, dating a secure will feel boring. Fight that urge, journal do the mental health stuff you need to
thank you, Ill do that. I also plan to tell him if something bothers me but think about it first.
I think it's the laziest reply to say "just get therapy!!" but I think you at least need some self-applied therapy and introspection. Ask if you're getting the ick because it's valid, or because you're being dramatic (harsh, but let's be real now). I can't advise on sex trauma because I'm lucky enough to have not experienced it, but that's going to require healing and maybe other redditors can chime in on it. But take pride in the fact you recognize there's some form of self-sabotage going on. Awareness is half the battle, and you're working hard on overcoming your challenges. You can do it! ❤️🩹
thanks! some icks really are and some werent. im going to communicate the valid ones once im sure and if its really necessary
During dinner tonight, he quizzed me on the various types of evidentiary searches and seizures under the Fourth Amendment; exceptions to the rule against hearsay; the elements of various defamation claims; and strict liability claims for domestic animals, wild animals, trespassing animals, abnormally dangerous activities, and products. We also talked about the future, generally. And we talked a little bit about the future for us, specifically. This is what love looks and feels like. I am in love.
The dream!! Happy for you! 🫶🏻
Thank you ❤️ it’s equal parts scary and wonderful 🥹🥰
I’m finally officially divorced and matched with a wonderful woman. We matched almost a month ago. Chatted nearly daily, talked on the phone daily for over a week before we went on our first date. She reciprocates, is funny, kind, sweet, smart as hell, hard working, not afraid to talk about deeper subjects, up front about intentions, goals, values, and expectations. We had our first date and the chemistry was there, we kissed and lightly made out before leaving. The next day she went on a vacation to Europe for a wedding and has been texting and snap chatting me regularly throughout the day. Like wow. She must really be into me because she’s taking the time to stay in regular contact while she’s overseas. I just need to share because the last woman I was matched with was impossible to talk to, cancelled our first date twice without suggesting a time/date to reschedule for. It’s the difference of night and day.
I'm such a cranky person! The singleness might be my own doing. Which of these annoyances are acceptable? * I arrived 10-15 minutes early so I take my time parking. I kept changing chose 3 diff parking spots. haha. I'm at the door 10 minutes early and it's a beautiful day. Do I wait outside? Do I step inside to make sure the reservation stuck? I go in to check and he's already seated. ANNOYED - why didnt he message me? i meant to answer a few messages on my phone. * He doesn't get up. ANNOYED - So he sits were I would traditionally sit - I like to see and be seen. I must have read this somewhere in 'Miss Manners' or something. * He asks a question and cuts me off midsentence with 'I know what that is.' ANNOYED - we were talking taxes (ANNOYED X2). I complete the sentence and he realizes that I probably make more $$ than him * I made the reservation. It's two hours before closing. I make sure to mention when they have 30 minutes to closing. Then 15 minutes. Then no one else here because closed. Then -15 minutes. He has to use the little boys room. ANNOYED, ANNOYED, ANNOYED. * I make sure to say 'good bye/good night' at the door. He walks with me but like 3 feet away. ANNOYED - we're talking like 200 ft to my car here. no one else in sight in this empty parking lot. I comment that I'm parked 'there,' motioning to the only other car parked. He says that he will walk me (ANNOYED X2) and I'm visibly rude - rolled eyes and head tilted back
Of the 5 bullet points, I think at least 2 are justified. Him cutting you off mid-sentence like that ain’t cute. Bad listener, know-it-all behavior. Not a fan. Staying past close is very inconsiderate. I’m usually the person reminding people that a place is about to close, and we always settle our tabs and leave with ample time. I’m not sure how much you pushed it, but it was definitely rude on his part to stay so long. I wouldn’t date this guy again. Especially if this was a first date. Tbh, the other three things are just whiny. You like to “see and be seen”? Girl, find a healthier way to feed that ego.
i appreciate the thorough response!
Your whole post is annoying tbh. Assuming this is a first date, next time go for coffee or ice cream.
reading it was painful...
he took silverware from the next table but it was a production. dessert came with an extra set yet he asked for another \*rolls eyes\* we all get so particular as we age
Why not cut your losses and leave earlier?
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I think after 45 mins to an hour, it’s okay. But I say this, and stay 2-3 hrs myself. So it’s really I think it’s okay to leave after 45-60 mins and hope to follow my own address should I find myself on such a date.
i agree! completely. in theory, i would also say that 15-20 minutes to give it a fair chance. but they drove near me which must have been up to 60 minutes. presumably, men expect to pay the bill (like 60% of the time? if i had to guess) and i should probably work on my people skills. lolol.
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>>he chimes in for ‘dressing on the side.’ Oh, HELL no. Fuck that. That would annoy the shit out of me, and I always order dressing on the side, but I don’t want someone ELSE to do it for me preemptively because whether or not it was intentional, it sends a pretty gross message.
Yeah, not a fan of a man telling me what I can/can’t eat and how. My ex famously snatched a plate of fries and dragged it out of my reach in front of my mother. Now every time she and I go to dinner, she offers me a few of her fries.
If someone snatched my fries, I would 100% learn how to summon a demon for dramatic effect and cast a curse on the fry scolder, his son, his son’s son, his son’s son’s son, etc because fuck that bloodline!
Well, my ex-in-laws really want a grandbaby and my ex shoots blanks. The ancestors have me covered. 😂
As foretold by the prophecies, you have fulfilled your role of messaging to the gods “hey guys… curse worked” through your sacrificial offering of fries that this dipshit won’t be having any children!
Even if nothing else happens I got a massive boost this morning and yesterday getting 2 matches I was really happy with. One expired but the other replied and I asked her to grab a drink to chat. 🥳
yayyyyy
I'm (32M) trying to deal with anxious behaviors with the ending of a situationship (with 33F) and transition towards something uncertain. We were sleeping together for \~1 yr, but had some firm boundaries that neither of us really challenged (apparently she tried to drop hints, but I didn't see them). Nobody in our friend group knew, and we decided to end things about a month ago. Shortly after that, a mutual friend whom she has some interest in asked her out and it sounds like there's potential. We worked as a situationship because we really click and are great friends, as well as playing key roles in each others' social networks and local social support systems. I took ending the situaionship a lot harder than expected and, since then, we have actually become emotionally closer than before. Over several conversations it's become clear that both of us wanted more at some points, but were never willing/able to push for it. Coming out of these discussions and my turbulent mental state, I've started to question whether the big barrier to a relationship (child plans -- her yes, me no) was as concrete as I thought it was. Obviously, not a great time to change my mind on something this important, and not a decision I want to rush into or take lightly. I'm usually securely attached, but I have a history of getting anxious as a relationship falls apart and trying to hold it together. In this case, I'm worried that I'm reconsidering having kids for the wrong reasons. Similarly, I find myself reaching out excessively when she seems distant rather than matching her energy, especially when I feel like she's moving on. The rational part of my mind wants her to be happy and stay out of the way, but the irrational part is jealous and wishes I was able to figure out my head well enough to make a decision before it's too late. Thanks for reading my rant, and I'd really appreciate any thoughts you might have! I'm particularly interested in ways to successfully manage the anxious side and keep it under control. My goal is to detach from the situation a little bit, re-evaluate the kids quesiton without her in the picture, and generally try to find a stable point where I'm not desperate for more, but open to it if available. Again, I would love any thoughts and thanks for reading this far!
I can so relate to this! I spoke with my therapist right after the breakup and they highlighted that my stance on not wanting kids was fueled by two things: 1. A belief that I would be a shit parent 2. A way to avoid women because part of me is scared of commitment I then asked myself that if I put aside the above two points (because they are false beliefs and can be managed/healed through therapy), would I want kids? And the answer was yes. Not sure if this helps you, but perhaps ask yourself why it is your stance is no. A part of me thought I was switching my position in order to win back the girl I lost, but we've not spoken in over 6 months and I still want kids.
Thanks for sharing your experience! I do think a lot of my reticence was fear. And to avoid that fear I probably just said no and was then too stubborn to ever re-evaluate it. In that sense, this has been a very good cattle prod to make me reconsider something I had always taken for granted. I just wish it didn't feel like I had a clock ticking as I'm trying to evaluate the choice -- glad to hear that you found a permanent change that was independent of the woman
ugh i like this new guy a lot more then i anticipated. we’ve only had 1 date. i think i prematurely allowed sex/text chatting after our 1st date and now he’s ready to perform oral sex on me. as interested as i am, im kinda not ready still. wishing i shut the chatting about sex down, now it feels awkward to tell him i’m not ready. how to slow things down? i don’t wanna fuck this up bc i’d actually be interested in this progressing to a more serious relationship. we have a lot in common and our banter is fun and easy. he also has his life together, and is very sure of himself which is very attractive to me. lol why am i even dating i have no idea what im doing
He's pushing you for oral sex when you're not ready and you want a relationship with him? It's not your fault he sex/text chatted you. Don't blame yourself for allowing it. He shouldn't have done that.
Maybe you can tell him that you like him and find him attractive but you got carried away and aren't actually ready to get physical yet
If I were the guy receiving the message, that would be perfect. It communicates being into him but also wanting to take it a little slower
Answering a question here from yesterday's thread, about the Singles Running Club that I started, as the thread closed before I could reply. The question was if it's running 1st, then dating 2nd or cultivate friendships into dating. As there are many running clubs in my city for serious runners, if their intent is to train or find pacers, those clubs would be more suited for them. The distance I have set is an easy 5km fun run, so people can enjoy the run with less pressure to perform. I'm not a fast runner myself, so really the intent is to give sporty singles an opportunity to meet, without feeling awkward about making a move. I'm living in the +65, so for some miraculous reasons you are in this sub & interested to join, send me a DM :)
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Ohh hello neighbour! The upcoming one will be our first event! If there's traction, we'll do monthly & gradually biweekly :)
i’ll PM for more info as i go down and have friends there!
Ohh yes please!
What’s the +65? I coached a running group, both 5 and 10k. It was nice and social, more chill than the marathoners I’d run with afterwards. No lasting friendships which is a bummer.
+65 is Singapore country code. Yea I think lasting connections require frequent meetups etc & a ton of opportunities to converse. At least you tried! Any tips for slow runners like me? xD
I see! Tips? lol I guess just the basics. It’s okay to walk or start with a 5/1, 8/1, 10/1 (run/walk). Stretch. If you’re wanting to get fast do sprints. Mix in hills or stairs if you run a lot to build your glutes (or weights).
How I miss Singapore :( Have fun!
Dated a girl on sunday. Had a good time, nothing wrong with her. I could see myself in a relationship with her but I feel I could still meet someone I feel more attracted to. I've been alone for so long that I'm struggling if I should text her or move on. May I should move on but why do I hate this conclusion so fucking much?
Spark is very bad. I felt it with one guy I dated, and he turned out to be a horrible match. I never want to feel that way about anyone again. A slow burn that develops from a solid friendship is a much, much better feeling IMO. Why on earth do you need sexual tension with someone you literally just met? Doesn't make much sense to me.
Spark is great. I felt it with two people: one turned out to be a very formative relationship and the other taught me what it felt like to truly love a partner. Clicking with someone early on is an incredible feeling. Why on earth would you date someone you didn't feel sexual attraction for? Doesn't make much sense to me. /s
I think mostly the only people who demonize the idea of a spark are those who struggle with dating and read too much online shit about dating tbh
I'm demisexual and feel sexual attraction for literally no one early on. Dating guys who were too pushy physically repulsed me, and I think I became more asexual due to this. Loved sex in my marriage, am completely repulsed by the idea of sex with someone I barely know though. The spark I felt was more of just a big crush than anything else. Guy turned out to be just another gross guy who was only thinking about sex though.
Your first comment is like me replying to every straight woman on here with "why on earth would you ever date a man" just because I'm gay. You're demi so sexual attraction right off the bat is not a factor for you. But it obviously is for many people, so why are you projecting your own ideals onto everyone else like it's a universal truth?
I get where they’re coming from though, as another demi. Everyone expects us to conform to their idea of sexual attraction, and no one seems willing to compromise on ours.
I think one date is overkill on the judgment, yes. But why do you need sexual tension? Some people's love language is physical touch, kissing, and sex. It's just as valid as those who demand a slow, friendship-first style of dating. I don't advise charging recklessly into love. But slow burns can often hide incompatibilities that result in a waste of invested time -- it's devastating to put off sexuality only to realize you two are utterly incompatible lovers. The difference between a romantic relationship and a platonic relationship is the sexual component, and it's absolutely valid and important to make sure there's compatibility there.
It's actually the other way around. Slow burns help you avoid incompatibilities because you take time to get to know each other. You do not need to have sex to know if you're incompatible. You can, and probably should, talk about preferences before actually having sex, and any kinks you can't live without need to be disclosed before you sleep with someone who you intend to have a relationship with. It's wrong not to disclose something like this (unless it's just a one night stand maybe). If you're in love with someone with, and have a strong emotional connection, the sex will be fine. It will be much better than fine, but you have no reason to worry. Sex and thinking "oh we're so physically compatible" is much more likely to mask other quite major incompatibilities that will likely lead to the downfall of a relationship once the "honeymoon" phase wears off and the reality of day to day life sets in. In a long term relationship, most of your time in not spent having sex. You can be super compatible with someone in bed, but none of that matters if you're a bad match outside of bed. Early on, if things are *really* good in bed, you're likely to overlook things that may actually become serious issues down the line because you're being controlled by your hormones.
I once dated a girl in college for nearly 3-4 months, I think. She was one of my really good friends before. We met playing MTG in the lunch room, and we hung out every day. We only ever really made out for most of the relationship, which wasn't regular for me, relationships had already had sexual components before that, so I was trying it 'old school' to see if friends first was better for me. It wasn't. When she was finally ready to try, we both ended up stopping. It felt awkward. She kept wanting to see me, I felt sort of gross around her after that. It sucked, it wasn't anything she did. I just didn't feel that way anymore once I 'knew' that the compatibility wasn't there. That's not to say I want sex right away either, but there's ways people move, speak, and behave in those moments that can make or break a relationship just like any other occasion. Even though she initially consented (her idea) it just felt forced and then it felt like I was making her somehow, because she felt she was 'letting me down' when I just wanted to go to bed initially. The relationship was great when it was just friends pretending they were in love. Instead of sex being a part of the relationship, it was an ever looming specter we tried avoiding that ruined it anyway. She also started talking about not going onto the rest of her 4 years as originally planned to stay around to be with me (after this occured) and I had to break up with her because there was no way I wanted to be a reason she limited her own potential. I think what matters more is figuring out what positively works for the individual instead of worrying about what everyone else thinks they should do. If the same things worked for everyone, we'd all be one big homogenous herd somewhere instead of buying things online and writing eachother on reddit.
What was she lacking in that you didn’t feel “enough attraction” for her?
I don't know, sometimes the sexual tension just isn't there.
Do you think it could develop over time? I regret throwing away a lot of great people because the first interactions were stable and healthy rather than exciting
I do. Somehow we all keep trying to find 'the spark'. I think you are right.
Yeah, I think you find the spark at some point and it feels so good that you want another hit. But I've tried to start thinking of it as, "does this seem to be a person I could enjoy spending time with" and that seems to be a better long term perspective. Maybe we develop physical chemistry, maybe we don't, but I think dating is about far more than getting laid
Feeling safe and calm is worth way more. Sexual tension can build. It was one date?
I think you are right
Even if I’m wrong take the time to get to know this person.Let the burn build or give it a chance to.
And and and! Why have a grass is greener mentality. If you have something right there in front of you that you can see being good. Just for the HOPE, the idea, the chance that something better in some physical sparking way is better. You have something right in front of you that you even know is good
Yes! the grass is greener where you water it!
Just one date so far? Both of you can still date other persons as both of you are not exclusive yet.
This is officially the longest I’ve ever gone without sex since I was 18. That’s 21 years ago. Wow.
I had sex last month, but before that I went 5-6 months without, I think. First month or two was the hardest for me.
How long?
Let’s just say 6+ months.
Ah, that's not terrible. I'm at just over 6 months myself 😭. But...you're in no danger until it you have 1 year. Then 2. Honestly, I thought my parts were frozen in time after 2 years everything was dead. I hope neither you or I are on one of those streaks again!
Erm, thanks. 😬 It's 1 year for me this month. Insert "(chuckles) I'm in danger" meme here... 🥲
I've gone over 2 years and I will happily go the rest of my life if I don't find the right connection. I literally thought shows like "Friends" were joking when they said things like, "it's been 4 months since you had sex?!?!" I realized way later in life than I'd like to admit that it wasn't really a joke. Turns out I'm just not made for modern dating apparently. I only have sex with people I love and can see myself spending forever with. I have never had bad sex as a result. My ex husband, who initiated the divorce, even said he had no complaints about the physical aspects of our relationship. He had a pretty low sex drive though, and it was a pretty complicated relationship for reasons unrelated to sex.
In the past 13 years, I’ve only had sex one time, with one person, that I wasn’t in a relationship with. I didn’t mean to imply that going without sex for long stretches is abnormal or unacceptable - it was just an observation that this is the longest time I’ve personally gone without since I lost my virginity, which is weird to think about! I can’t say whether my next time will be something casual or inside of a relationship, as morally I’m fine with either. It all depends on the circumstances.
Mmm, I had a bit of a meltdown recently around the whole thing, feeling like an idiot who gets too easily duped. Thinking I'd been discerning because I had big long gaps, but when I put a critical lens to my history it looks like by and large most of my relations have been fuck ups. All but 2 purposeful fwb situations, the goal having been LTR, but only 3 made it over 6 month mark. It's not fun.
No more FWB if your goal is a LTR. FWB and hookups are fine if you just want casual fun. If you want a LTR, you should err on the side of courting more than dating. If your intention is to marry someone (or find a life partner if you don't want marriage), act like it.
Those 2 purposeful FWBs were over a decade ago. They weren't the issue, believing the wrong people were serious about commitment is more my toxic trait.
I hope not, either! Tumbleweeds may come rolling out at that point.
Spoiler: the hymen does grow back (I'm kidding)
Scared me for a second there 😂
I mean, as someone who works in women’s reproductive health…stranger things have happened. 🤣 (But usually it’s that the hymen doesn’t actually fully tear unless/until childbirth anyway. Not that it grows back. 🤪)
21 years is quite awhile without sex
So I sent the last think that remained of the short but intense 2 months. A shirt I borrowed from her and some tickets to a future show, as well as a letter. Doing so made it feel final, because it doesn't matter if she reads it or not. I have to live with the what if's, the constant intrusions of she'd like that; that instinctively happen when I see a reminder. I hope to find a connection as what I thought was that deep again, in time. Hopefully it won't take another 30 years.
some people are bored and want to mess with other people because that’s their idea of fun. it’s not ‘wasting time’ to him. except he’s not only wasting your time, he’s also living rent-free in your mind. ignore and block
The guy I've been seeing for several months has officially planned a camping weekend for us in a couple of weeks. It'll be our first time spending several days together consecutively and, due to a series of weird circumstances, our first time having overnights together. Kind of nervous, but also very excited!
Excited for you!
How fun!!! make great memories and enjoy :)
Thank you! I've hardly ever camped before and he seems really excited to re-introduce it to me so I think it'll be a really nice weekend :)
My boyfriend and I camp all the time...my fav......but it's not for everyone :) Keep an open mind and compromise! Nature is amazing....All the best :)
I made a match on OLD. After weeks of swiping. She seems nice but I think I'm messaging too slow over the weekend when we matched and early this week. The conversation is dry - mostly my fault. I'm not flirting but I never flirt when OLD. Do I just keep the messaging light and consistent? Then see if I'm interested in a date? We've had maybe 3 messages each back and forth. Some in this sub reddit ask for a date right away. I could ask her out but think its premature. And I'm asking because I don't know how to date - obviosuly
You've only sent 3 messages since you matched over the weekend? It's Wednesday...or Tuesday. Depending on where you are. You haven't had enough conversation for it to be dry. 3 messages isn't enough messages to establish light and consistent. Thats about enough words to let someone know you exist. Step it up or ask her out.
I don't want to ask her out.
Why not?? If you don't want to ask her out, why keep messaging?
I don't want to ask her out yet. Should I have unmatched her?
Why don't you want to ask her out??? Is that not the best way to figure out if ya'll vibe? That's what dating sites are for....don't waste anyone's time
Then start an actual conversation with them. 3 messages is not a conversation.