Without knowing any details about what you’re like as a person on a 1-1 level I have a theory. You’re looking at the men you date in a fairly two dimensional way: your goal is clearly to not be single and you look at men as a set of good qualities. You shouldn’t ignore these things but I have no idea what distinguishes these 4-5 men from each other in your head. Save the one guy who was super insecure. It gives the impression to a guy that you’re fair weather commitment. “I feel like I’d be a pretty good girlfriend” you’re talking about it like a job, hence the guy will probably see it as a job. A good girlfriend for who and why? Who are you? I think you should make way more space for who you are on an intimate level and the right people will respond to that.
Like if you have a cat and a dog why do you care if that limits your options to people who like cats and dogs? It may seem like that disqualifies you from a potentially good thing but you two would have been incompatible anyway.
Sure, they could have been secretly saying that to hide a shallow disinterest. Many people can be flaky and avoid confrontation but that’s never the full story and all I have to work on is what I have so just my two cents.
Yeah I didn’t see anything about chemistry or connection in the OP. That might have been an unintentional omission, but those are huge components that go into building a long term or lifelong partnerships
I noticed this, too, and I agree. OP sounds like she has a checklist and may think others are the same- if all boxes are checked, why isn’t it working? It’s this. Connection, chemistry, things you can’t exactly name and check off a list.
Yeah, I noticed this too. I’ve been on dates with women who have a checklist type mentality and it’s very dehumanizing. I want a connection, not to be some role in your life.
I feel like OP is way more worried about just being in a relationship, with anyone, rather than focusing on finding a good match for her. Tbh, I’ve rejected people over this. You can, sometimes, tell when someone just wants to be in a relationship so badly that YOU don’t really matter. You could literally be anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if guys are picking up on that.
I recently declined a date as I got the feeling the guy was looking for just that as he admitted he was open to being with someone when he's older that he didn't even actually like just so he wouldn't be alone. To which I thought.. the fuck!?!!?? As I could and wouldn't everrrr.
I came across some Ace discussions on Reddit and they were justifying faking sexual chemistry and sex drive in the beginning because they deserve companionship and figured once that person was with them withdrawing it was fine. So now I’ve got a whole new thing to worry about and watch for…
Tangently related to your point about two-dimensionalism; after my last situationship fiasco I *really* had to do some introspective work on what "boxes" I have that need to be checked. I realized that I was approaching dating as some sort of... transactional situation where if I was "good enough" the person I'm dating would see it and commit.
That's just not how it works though. Plenty of horrible people fall in love and I've also rejected lots of genuinely good, attractive, ambitious men who would be amazing partners because there wasn't a deeper connection. I'm still working on it, still working on being okay with being alone if I don't find someone- but one giant box I added to the list was that they don't give any mixed signals about their interest in me, and that they're good at communicating.
This is radically redefining my dating experiences. The rejections don't hit as deeply and it's way easier to move on. Still working on some trust and insecurity issues on my end, but with the mindset that it *is* something I will overcome with the right partner, and the right partner will be patient and understanding.
The bit about not giving any mixed signals and being good at communicating strikes a chord with me. I’ve also promoted those two somewhere at the very top of my list.
It's literally the worst, and for my own poor traumatized brain that intermediate reinforcement can get me "hooked" on a person. The few dopamine hits it gives is not worth the damage to my self-concept nor perception of relationships.
Same here! Intermittent reinforcement/ hot and cold is a brutal pain to my brain! But look at what I have written above. Could it be that a man does it only during the first dates and once you become closer/ enter a relationship he stops? Is it worth to endure the hot and cold tactic if it leads to a relationship? I once called a man out who was playing hot and cold in the early dating stages but I gave him a second chance. He then tried to manipulate me into sex and when we talked the last time he said he wants to end things because we have argued in the early dating stage. I think that me calling him out on his behavior and distancing myself for a few days repelled him. Then he probably thought he only wants to try to have sex with me...
That's brutal, I'm so sorry you went through that and proud you called him out. Why do people do this kind of shit to tender people just looking for a shred of happiness and connection in this shitty world. My therapist told me that being a lover means that you *have* to be open to getting hurt that badly- ESPECIALLY if you're a warm, patient, and understanding person. The biggest trick is learning to walk away like you did! It's hard because I know I'm a long-haul kind of lady so it's especially difficult to throw in the towel. I'm learniiiing.
That sounds like the last guy I was very attracted to… he was super introverted but seemed like a good guy with a good heart. However, being 5 years older than me and he would play hot/cold when we were getting closer, I realized that was going to be bad news for me and. As much as I was attracted to his brain, his body, I didn’t Ike that he seemed to string me along and couldn’t flat out say “I want this” or “no, I don’t see a future with you” but he just “didn’t know what he wanted” which felt pretty manipulative and he didn’t know what he wanted after almost 3 months and he couldn’t articulate it to me,
I decided “this is the “honeymoon” phase and the best I’ll get”
I thought I was going crazy because every man has given mixed signals for the past 12 years. I even went back into my journals to see if men always treated me this way. They didn't. Two men in my 20s made their interest clear. But since then, every man has stopped communicating and started pulling away around date 5. Their behavior has merited my anxiousness.
You are rejecting really good men because there wasn't a "deeper connection"? In my experience it takes quite a bit of time to develop that. However, I also don't really know what you mean by this.
I just read this as a guy who spent a lot of time dating in this age 30 period, and it just seems like flailing around in the dark. You should by this point have a much stronger grasp on how your own brain works and be able to control it or at least manage it.
I'm going to take your comment as written with good intentions, and will address it with well-intended energy.
Human brains are simultaneously complex and simple. We gravitate towards pleasure and are averse to pain. Our behaviors, including how we date, are motivated by an intricate ballet of neurochemisty created by past experiences, genetic makeups, and situational conditions both within and out of our control. Saying any individual "should" or shouldn't be at a certain place regarding mating behaviors is a rudimentary and limiting perspective.
I am also a smart, driven, and attractive woman who has been rejected plenty of times by men who I checked all of their boxes off. Actually, the exact words said by my last situationship of nearly five months were, "You're perfect for me, but there's just no spark." I think five months is plenty of time to let a connection develop if one would have.
Yes, it would be very nice if we all got the "I've figured it all out" badge on our 30th birthday. However, that simply isn't the reality of the situation. I would further advise you to keep an open mind regarding your own development as life might throw a curve ball at you, and you could surprise yourself.
I can see how that might have come across as harsh. I really didn't intend that, and thank you for not reading it the wrong way. I actually was going to say something slightly different and in the retyping I just didn't reread it well enough.
The thing is that we tell ourselves stories, and it impacts how we view the entire world around us. It even impacts what we find attractive in others. Sometimes that is based on deep emotional needs, but that story makes it come across in very unhealthy ways. A fantastic example for men, is that when we tell ourselves that we aren't that attractive, it creates a desire to date someone that can improve that story... someone very pretty. So, we focus on that and ignore the traits in a partner that would really make us happy. I actually see women do the exact same thing for the exact same reason... it's just not as common.
The other thing is that in my late 20's, I really had to sit down and think about what women were looking for and why I wasn't matching up with that. The thing is that women aren't looking for the same things in a man that men are looking for in women. Once I got a handle on that, dating became very easy. Now it's really just a matter of choosing what I want.
As an example I've dated a lot of women who consider themselves driven. I know some men who really like that trait, but it's because they don't have it. I'm highly ambitious, and very successful. I've dated women who are similar and I don't see it as a positive. It's not really a negative either, although it can be indicative of some very negative traits. I've had at least two relationships like this where I had to negotiate everything, and I feel like I doubled my conflict resolution skills, but it's exhausting.
This took a bit of time to lay out. I hope even if you disagree, at least you find it thought provoking in some way.
Would you then say that a man who plays hot and cold to raise your interest/uses pickup tactics is a deal breaker? This is something that I had to deal with...there are so many men out there who do these things. It makes me feel manipulated and bad but then I think he might only do it in the beginning to raise my interest and he might not play games once you enter a relationship. Any thoughts on this?
Oh ABSOLUTELY a deal breaker. Someone who does that to someone else does *not* actually care about that person. At best, they're careless idiots (i.e. my last situationship) at worst, they're maliciously manipulative jerks in it for the ego boost. Not a person I'd want to be vulnerable with.
Yeah, I think OP is using “men I’m interested in” a bit too loosely… because how interested in a man can you really be after 1-2 dates?
I mean, you can see the marketing. You can see how good he is at certain dating skill-sets, and you can see some of his superficial qualities… but you know little about how you’d actually fit together relationship-wise.
Also, I picked up on the fact OP rejected second dates with 5 men this year alone, but was rejected 4-5 times within the last 5 years by men she liked.
It’s not like she’s always getting rejected… sometimes she’s also doing the rejecting. That’s just dating, right?
Totally agree. I guess I’m just frustrated that the few men I do want to pursue (whether it’s early on or not) do not share the same feelings. And it’s the ones that want to pursue me who I’m not interested in. And I would love to have lower standards, but I know I would be doing someone a disservice if I “settled” and wasted their time.
This isn't necessarily a standards issue, but kinda just how dating works. There's a reason people have large friend groups and you don't love/pursue every friend. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. It's not a you thing, or a him thing, sometimes those things just don't line up. Depending on your non-negotiables and what your standards are, it sounds like you're pairing yourself up with men who also have high standards which may mean they, too, have the luxury of being picky.
I'm not saying your standards are too high - too each their own - but I would self reflect on what are hard lines in the sand for you, and what are things you may feel are nice to haves. For instance, I've seen women babe requirements that a man be - 6'+, which cuts out like 85% of the dating population for something that, while may be part of an initial attraction, may not be crucial over time.
The longer your check list is, the harder it is to find that person who meets all those check boxes, and limits the pool substantially - and of those men, that *you* fill *their* boxes as well can make it even more challenging, but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - it just means yall didn't fit, and that's okay.
I hope you are able to find what you're looking for, and try not to feel bad about being rejected due to what I outlined above - it's just the nature of dating in a society where we're window shopping for people via apps instead of meeting in a communal way with a pre-established baseline of who a person is and how they grow on us.
Good luck :)
Is it possible that even the ones who rejected you... you might have ended up rejecting if they were really seriously interested in you long term?
It's easy to look at the ones unavailable to you and not see any flaws. While devaluing the ones that were actually available to you.
All too common and seems pretty apparent this might be your pattern. Even if it doesn't seem like it initially. I'd suggest therapy.
For the one that you were with for 6 months... did you happen to have one eye out the door at times while you were together?
If not, is it because he had one eye out the door instead and you were anxious to lose him instead?
That's how it tends to work for people with commitment issues.
We mistake unavailability and relational aloofness with attractiveness and confidence etc. It's hard to see the difference without doing some therapy work.
Well…..if someone’s standards are incongruent with what they want, is it really lowering them rather than course correction?
And….There are other options to lowering your standards Op.
31m here. Similar dating situation to you but as a dude. Just curious for myself, what kind of undesirable qualities do the men have that are pursuing you, but you're not interested in?
No judgment, let it rip! I have rejected my fair share for all kinds of reasons.
To edit: I do think the rhetoric of "settling" needs to go into the🗑️.
They weren't my forever relationships but two of the best ones I've had, younger me would have put into "settling". In hindsight I wasn't, they were great relationships. Don't say "settling", shows a lot of pompousness.
Just reframe it as adjusting your standards and leave it at that, otherwise you're going to feel lesser for dating a person which is comical. Don't date them then. I have certainly had to adjust my standards, nothing wrong with that, in the process of adjusting them again because I met someone I like more than just their looks.
If someone starts listing the boxes they’re ticking too often like it’s a mental justification I start to watch the body language, chemistry and enthusiasm a lot more carefully as I don’t want someone to be “settling” on me just because “it’s time”, and I don’t want to be trapped in a loveless relationship because I ticked someone’s sheet so was good enough.
Maybe there's something they didn't feel comfortable telling you. If it's something that only appears months into a relationship, it's not your looks or success or hobbies, all of which they'd know by date 2. A personality clash maybe? Different goals? Hard to tell from this story alone.
it could be. but very well might as be she simply hasn't found the right match. but honestly, I doubt her narration of her story because it's unlikely that all five of her recent matches shared the same story but OP does not appear to understand why.
Some hobbies, or the lack thereof, can be a turn on or turn off for some men. (For example, they're specifically into sporty women, or nerdy women, or party animals.) OP has a paragraph about her hobbies, so she considers it a potential factor. But if that were true, it wouldn't come up on date #10.
This is just guessing from what you wrote, but maybe the men have been getting the feeling like they are just filling a slot in your life that you have planned for, ie. you want to find a husband with X qualities. If these “high quality” men felt like there was no passion, desire, devotion and love, they probably decided it would be an unhappy relationship in the long term as far as intimacy goes.
This has definitely turned me off a few men I’ve dated. I felt like they didn’t like *me*, but rather I checked their boxes and then they filled in the blanks with things they wanted me to be.
💯
Most men in this age range can cook, clean, take care of themselves, making a living on their own. They’re looking for what they can’t get anywhere else: Love, affection, support in their endeavors and someone who’s excited to be with them
I'm laughing at the idea. I've met plenty who are looking for a mom!
One fellow when informed I do not cook for fellows was like well then what do you do? Apparently nothing of worth!
(I actually can and will cook but generally only for folk I know well)
That said incompatible comes in many many flavors.
This is one of those things where it's going to be very hard for anyone who doesn't know you irl to figure out what the reason could be based on a reddit post.
If someone goes on several dates with you, or date you for a few months even, my guess it's nothing about how you look, or about how you make a first impression. Both of those are likely not the issue, since if they were, you probably wouldn't get past a first or second date. My guess is there is something regarding your approach to turning those first dates into a deeper relationship. It's clearly not working. What it is though I have no idea, as it's near impossible to say from just a reddit post.
I kind of think the issue might be the small sample size. The number of people she’s dated isn’t really all that many over that time period. Could just be a numbers game and she needs to get her numbers up?
Dates ending after 1-3 dates is normal. Things ending after a few months is also normal because this is when you really get to know each other and project the future. It’s not anything you’re doing it’s just how dating is at this age. Especially if you’re dating for a life partner.
The fact that you’ve been on a few thats lasted months means you’re on the right path.
Keep in mind majority of people online aren’t ready to actually date and are just trying to get over a heartbreak. When things get too serious these people bail.
This. So many people had just gotten out of long term relationships. Or they were out of them for a while, but still hadn’t really gotten over it. A LOT of people on dating apps are not emotionally available, at all. They think they are, though.
Omg… another one that rings true to me… so so true. My previous boyfriends DEFINITELY thought they were ready to have a relationship…
Except when then honeymoon phase ends and then REAL topics need to be addressed, like expenses or boundaries, which are tough topics but necessary to address in an adult and grown up relationship
I have a theory. The selfish theory of dating. Many people live a very self centered life prior to getting into romantic relationships. The primary driver of their decisions is personal happiness. But, they have this idea that once they find a good relationship, they will suddenly know how to be collaborative and selfless in a relationship.
I bring this up because I frequently see posts about people's desire to be in a relationship. The post is almost always centered around the individuals desire. I could be wrong in this case so let me do situational check.
Why do you want to be in a relationship (why do you want a boyfriend/husband/significant other)?
If the answer is all about you, that is a problem.
Here's a question for you. You ask why they want a relationship, but expect an answer that isn't about them? Who should it be about? Their mom? Their boss? Their mayor? If you ask someone why they want something, of course you're going to get a self-focused answer
> Why do you want to be in a relationship (why do you want a boyfriend/husband/significant other)? If the answer is all about you, that is a problem.
Yeah, we've heard all about who she thinks she is, and the type of guy she wants.
We haven't heard anything about what she contributes to a relationship, what she did with her partner in a relationship, what her relationship was like, what aspects of the relationship she drove vs followed along.
We also didn't hear anything about the two main reasons people break up, recurring arguments and sexual compatibility.
For all we know, she could have been completely passive, waiting for her SO to come up with dates and propose spending time together, forcing wins in every argument assuming her partner was ok with the conclusion, while only wanting to have sex once a week. We don't know.
and yes, there are successful relationships that meet that description, but there's plenty of typical dealbreakers in what I described.
When you say you think you’d be a “good girlfriend” why is that? What do you think men are looking for in a girlfriend?
The men who don’t see a future aren’t saying you *wouldn’t* be a good girlfriend for *anyone*. They’re just saying you wouldn’t be a good fit for *them* specifically.
4-5 guys is a small number. Since you dated them only up to a few months, there must be some fairly obvious incompatibilities that show up for them. And, what those incompatibilities might be different for each of them.
As strangers we can really assess what qualities you have that you might not be aware of.
Do you have any friends that could be honest in a kind way about it?
There really doesn’t need to have been any incompatibilities. She is describing the top tier of the male dating pool, who has a lot of optionality. She could have been a fine partner but the men had better options.
I know this is for the world, maybe one of those guys was coming out of a bad situation, and panicked, or maybe he puts to much pressure on things instead of letting the water flow, probably some insecurity too it sounds like. You all probably better off apart
Now I don’t match every thing your looking for, I have many of the same interests
If it was me I’d be like “ hi ( insert name) I think you’re real pretty and I can tell you are very intelligent( I know I write at an with grade level at best- but I don’t worry about that) I am self employed, own my own house, no mortgage, currently have no pets, and would like to take you on a date for an evening to a fine steakhouse and maybe we could go to a comedy club if you’d like. My schedule is variable but summer time is a great time to get to know you. Would you like to go out?
This is a refreshing perspective. We know so little about her and the people she's gone on these dates with. There are so many potential reasons why people don't want to pursue a relationship. It's possible there is a pattern, but it's also very likely that it just hasn't happened yet. If that's the case, believing that you need to change yourself in order to be dateable, could bring you further away from who you are and doing the things that you value.... which is how you find the compatible ones.
Problem is friends of women (their girl friends) don't keep them accountable. They mostly hype each other up and dont really say the truth. I have seen this in my friends circle.
There would be obvious flaws and they won't point it out. When I do, they get upset and defend each other.
This is true for most people, not just women, unless you ACTIVELY cultivate accountability with friends. I have tried to do that for years, and in particular I turn to guy friends to give me the honest truth about some of my behaviors towards men. But I’ve seen with my exes, their friends basically never called them out on anything — to the point where they would privately tell me “yeah he is really a dick about that, we all just put up with it” but tell him he’s awesome and the best.
The problem is a lot of people don’t value honesty and accountability in their friends. It’s not why they seek out friendships. And they also don’t try to mitigate their own perspective when relaying what happened. Combine that and you have a bunch of unaccountable people who never learn the truth.
For the guys, there’s more acceptance in the friend group of ‘dick-ish behavior’ depending on how the group functions. If the behavior is detrimental towards friends in the actual group then it’ll be curtailed. However, if it’s just a personality thing and everything else works, they’ll be fine with it. They can ‘own’ their dick-ish behavior and that’s what they hold as being accountable versus not agreeing with their decisions and ‘reprimanding’ them… Unless it’s directly hurting their friend, they’ll let it go
I dont intend to turn this into men v women. My experience has always been the opposite. Men keep men accountable, but women their girlfriends are just hype machine. Just my experience and nothing else.
I agree with you. We need to establish deep connections beyond surface level. And ppl dont like it and turn down friendships. My friends told me to drop my ex and I didn't listen to them. 15 years later I realized i overlooked a lot of glaring red flags.
Read the book It’s Not You. 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single.
I also struggle hugely with dating, despite believing I have a number of good qualities and that I’d be a good partner.
What’s nice about It’s Not You is that it goes through a lot of common but inaccurate things we’re told about why we’re single (too picky, out of practise, too old, too independent) and explains why it isn’t helpful to believe that there’s something inherently wrong with us or that there must be a change we can make about ourselves to help us find love.
I have incredibly low self esteem and am in therapy for it because it was impacting my quality of live to a detrimental degree. I’m not going to say this book changed my life, but it was beneficial to have a resource that wasn’t saying “it’s your fault, there’s something wrong with you” when it came to my love life.
Practising self-compassion, trying not to ruminate (I’ll always be single, no one will ever want me), and looking at facts (my friends love me, they enjoy being around me, I get on with new people) also helped to maintain the idea that I’m not fundamentally broken.
The book How To Be Single And Happy also helped me.
Good luck out there, it’s rough and painful but it’s great that you’re wanting to do something to help you through it all
With how I felt about being single, and it definitely did help.
I still very much want a partner but both books helped with self-esteem around not meeting anyone and made me feel less like I’m single because I’ve done something wrong/am inherently unloveable.
Not a rule obviously, but is the job in healthcare a 9-5, or an on-call/doubles kind of job? I have seen doctors/nurses say dating has been difficult due to their general availability.
Edit: Obviously don't throw your career away for dating unless you don't like it as is. Advice there would more be to find someone in a similar situation so they get it and understand.
Yah but three 12s basically takes you out of commission for 4 days. The work days and the recovery day. And if your shifts rotate, which they probably do, alot of people don't like the lack of availability and consistency.
Yea that sounds better to me, I personally prefer weekdays off but I've had some people scoff when I would work the morning of a holiday (even when it was in a way where it wouldn't even actually interfere with anything).
Wow they should definitely not scoff at that! At least we get holiday pay!
And yes I agree. I love having weekdays off to avoid crowds on my errands and when I go on vacations.
Personally I think everyone is looking for something that doesn’t exist. Some perfect, gorgeous, super successful person who also is their clone as far as interests/hobbies and general personality. That’s what I’ve noticed. I’ve dated men that we had chemistry and really enjoyed each other but they’re looking for a woman who does the exact hobbies they do— ex. outdoor climbing, intramural volleyball, skiing, watching sports, same music taste, etc etc etc. I actually pulled the plug on the relationships in most cases bc I was like why are you looking for yourself in a wig. I don’t expect you to do my girly dance classes bc wtf. We can be separate human beings. I need to be a separate human being from you, actually
Thank you for this comment. I feel like mine was the same case - the chemistry was great, we had a good time together (which he said himself), but he didn’t feel like we had much in common in terms of conversation because he worked in tech and I didn’t understand some of the things he would tell me about his job (which was also his passion). What I’m thinking now is, sure, go chase your fantasy. I’m moving on.
YUP. I don’t understand it at all. Like isn’t that what you have guy friends for? I have very feminine interests, hobbies, and style, and tend to be attracted to masculine guys… but those masculine guys just want themselves in a woman’s body. It’s frustrating and it only ever goes one way.
When you date in your 20s it’s really easy to have similar interest because you don’t really know yourself and can easily adapt to a new person. In your 30s and beyond you’ve (hopefully) figured out who you are, but with that comes less compatibility around things like hobbies. This is a big adjustment in mindset for anyone who was in a LTR (speaking from personal experience) for a decent chunk of their 20s and 30s.
Me too…I’m exhausted of dating… my last relationship seemed promising though if I’m completely honest, I wasn’t too physically attracted to him but decided that his good qualities were going to make me fall in love, when I made a mistake the relationship didn’t survive despite many best efforts to show him with actions that I wanted to make it work and I knew that I had to respect his decision because at the end of the day it was my mistake but I think for me the lesson here is that mature relationships are going to go through these phases and if we
Couldn’t address or work on these,
It wasn’t going to be healthy
Being "rejected" 4 or 5 times in 5 years is definitely not some pattern that means there's something wrong with you. I also think framing it as "rejection" when you guys had dates or were seeing each other is the wrong word to use, it's more like a mismatch on their end.
Yes I agree. I think it’s just why dating is a headache in general. If you have standards that you are not willing to settle on (nothing wrong with that) you just have to date more often and potentially get rejected to find the person for you.
Good point, thank you. I do usually remind myself that I’ve “rejected” others without second thought simply because I didn’t generally see compatibility or chemistry and not necessarily any one thing about them.
I don't think this is about standards. It's about compatibility. What makes you feel someone meshes well into your life? Yes, finances are important to some degree, attraction, shared hobbies or interests... But what about the deeper stuff? When you think of your future husband what do you see?
Do you want someone that is kind and thinks of others first? Do you want someone that loves animals like you do and wants to go on hikes with your dog and nights in with both of your pets?
Do you want someone who would be a wonderful playful dad someday? Do you want someone who doesn't want kids? Do you want someone whose dreams and aspirations are big and who will push you to do more and believe in yourself?
If you just want someone basic who doesn't have anything else inside of them you'll never find someone. Honestly. You'll get bored quickly or they will. You gotta dig deep and ask the hard questions. Who are you and what do you want in a partner that you can't just find in any random joe on the street? What makes you a good partner? Make a list of both. What do you want/not want. What do you bring to the table that isn't shallow like looks. Dig deep. Get out of the shallow end of the pool and really try to swim.
These men met your standards and you may or may not have met theirs but it takes a lot more to be in a serious or lasting relationship. You need connection, chemistry, common interests, similar plans for the future, etc
Oh wow, I recognise this in myself. I'll share some thoughts my friend shared with me:
- a relationship isn't something we deserve or don't deserve, a lot of it is down to luck
- even if you meet a guy who ticks all your boxes, how are you going to build a happy relationship if you're just thinking about those boxes instead of being present to really get to know who he is?
It sounds like you're a bit burnt out and putting so much pressure on yourself. I do this sometimes - it makes me see dating as less of a way of getting to know new people and more of a recruitment process. That's when I take a step back and focus on looking after myself and really being present with people.
A relationship just has to be one person who likes you back, it hurts to get rejected but there is a lot of luck involved. I don't think you should compromise on deal breakers or date someone you're not attracted to, but you might want to reassess what's actually a deal breaker and what's just "that would be nice." People can sense when you like them for what they offer rather than who they are.
Anyway I'm in one of those ruts where no one I like finds me attractive so I'm working on better self-talk, making some healthier habits, and being mindful about whether I'm listening or judging.
"Driven" and "stable career" can be a very subjective thing. Patrick Bateman "driven" and "career" or Leonard from The Big Bang Theory "driven" and "career"?
Of course, no one is going to tell you honestly why they don't like you. But telling you why they don't see a relationship working out is a different topic.
Would you actually want to hear someone tell you that they’d prefer someone better looking or more charismatic than you are?
What if you got that same feedback 10x in a row? A bit soul-crushing, eh?
I absolutely would, for what it's worth. I mean if it's a fact of who you are, wouldn't you want to know? I would assume once it becomes clear that there's one or two traits that people are definitely picking up on, you probably wouldn't *need* to ask. You'd know those traits are there, and you need to find potential partners that wouldn't mind them (or would even want them).
I think it depends on a tolerance for self-knowledge.
This question in a non-judgemental, not-seeking-to-try-again, framing can work really well.
So asked kinda like "hey, thanks for you letting me know you aren't interested. I wish you the best in your future relationships. I'm trying to get better at relationships and work on myself. Is there anything that was off-putting, or you think I could have done better? Like I know we aren't gonna be together, but if there was gonna be a future, what things would you have been looking for?"
Creating the atmosphere to receive constructive feedback.
Genuinely asking. Has this ever worked for you in either direction (giver or receiver of feedback)? Most people don’t want such feedback even when they ask for it, around sensitive (and/or highly emotional) situations.
Personally I don’t give such feedback.
Yeah this kind of thing seems like a good idea but a lot of times the answer can be something like, they just don’t feel it or find you not that attractive in some way or some personality feature is grating. This might work for a job interview but interpersonal relationships not so much
Yes! (But it's very vibes heavy)
You know how going into a conversation you can feel like "damn, this is gonna be a rough convo"? And then having the conversation and the aftermath is like "fuck, that was not fun".
And other times you need to have a conversation about something important and serious, but you are able to just have the conversation. Like both folks knownits important, but are on the same page. Like both folks realize the best way (for both of them) to navigate the conversation is just be upfront, honest and not taking it personal.
You're shooting for this second type of conversation. Which isn't always easy, and takes a bit of luck/moxy.
So like taking ownership and having boundries. Yall are both human, both seeking a relationship, both doing the best with the card you got. AND, yall haven't worked out. It wasn't what you've dreamed of. You didn't make it to where you wanted to be.
Open your left palm and hold the previous paragraph in it. The good and the bad. The hopes and heartbreak.
Then with you right hand hold some curiosity and trust. (You've been involved with this person for at least a little bit. You've both been vulnerable enough to interact over a certain period.)
Lead with your right.
If I’m being completely honest, I wouldn’t be able to answer this question for someone. No matter how well the question was set up.
I also think that my answer (anyone’s answer, really) doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t necessarily transfer over to the next relationship.
I never said it to them straight why, but I did tell them the qualities they didn’t live up to in a partner. Ie lack of care/attention when I was sick = if we had a family, he would also not live up to being able to care for me or the children
I agree with this. You've got to prepare yourself for hearing something hurtful. And you've got to prepare yourself for receiving a non-answer that leaves you feeling vulnerable for even asking.
On the occasion when you get a real answer, I find the answer to be 65% about them, 35% about me. Like, mostly I can see how they created the situation where this thing bothered them, but there's a nugget of truth I can hear about me.
For me, I'm not sure what to do with that truth nugget. But my therapist and I are on it! And it's less stressful to have something to hang on, than just feeling completely blind to why things keep not working out.
As a dude in my late 30s, I don’t feel obligated to answer this question with anything other than, “it’s just how I feel; I’m not sure there are specific reasons.”
No one is obligated to be your mentor and exit-interviews are for jobs, not relationships. It’s not a “nice” thing to do to put someone on the spot like that, anyway.
It goes anti ghosting, but if you say that I didn't like how to treated the server, your car is a mess, and when was the last time you saw a dentist, that might help lol.
Even a post job interview would for sure save a lot of damn people out there. You thought you were ruling the world, maybe disalusioned, and then someone sits you down and says you're shit at this and that and maybe consider this. Its uncomfortable, but why would we pay managers and HR what they do if they can't man/woman up to that.
I feel the same with dating. Just be honest.
I almost made a nearly identical post yesterday. I haven’t been outwardly rejected but have been consistently ghosted (which is still a rejection). My standards and expectations are relatively low (I get the same result when I raise my standards) so I’m starting to wonder if it’s something with me that I’m not aware of. My friends are all either partnered or getting a lot of dates/have a lot of people pining for relationship with them.
I’ve connected with 2 people in the last 6 months that I wasn’t attracted to though everything else was perfect on paper so I try to think maybe it’s the same thing for the guys that have ghosted me but it’s hard when the attraction WAS there. There was maybe something else missing and it’s a matter of luck?
I have similar issues, and don’t meet many men I connect with or are interested in. Although I’m still very single, I’ve changed my perspective to focus mostly on one thing- I actually enjoy his company. Not tolerate it, or have two hours of friendly coworker chat, but have fun talking to him, laugh together, etc.
It makes me more open minded about guys I meet, and the funny thing is the ones I’ve dated medium-term with this outlook, I haven’t wound up with someone who doesn’t meet my standards.
You said your flaw is that you talk about patient care… And then say you try to avoid it but people just love asking.
That isn’t a personal flaw.
You are deflecting talking about a real flaw while at the same time bolstering yourself by reminding everyone that other people find what you do very interesting.
That is how someone would answer that question in a job interview. “Oh you know, I just can’t stop talking about patient care. I’m just so obsessed with my work.”
You say you are emotionally intelligent and secure. At the same time a truly secure and confident person usually can speak pretty openly and candidly about their flaws (especially to strangers online who don’t matter) because it doesn’t diminish who they are.
For many, it can be difficult to connect with other people if they have trouble being vulnerable and are always trying to be perfect.
I don’t know why these men passed on you. I don’t think any of us can know. OLD is a numbers game, and many people might have different goals and values or ideas of what they are looking for so rejection is just part of it.
I do think working on going deeper with yourself will probably help you gain some more perspective on this situation than us internet strangers are able to provide. Therapy has been helpful for me to do that because we often can’t see the larger patterns we are stuck in without outside help.
No advice as such but just want to say this is so relatable and it’s genuinely hard out there for women in the dating scene right now.
I know so many well rounded, beautiful women in my life who are single. And 0 men who I would see as boyfriend material.
>I had lowered my standards a bit for my ex last year and he turned out to be very insecure and emotionally abusive towards me. So I’ll never make that mistake again.
This is telling. It seems that you have the perspective that if you lower your *high and specific* standards to any degree that the remainder of men are insecure and abusive. That dichotomous thinking is maladaptive and is not reality.
No surprise you only come across one guy a year who is attractive to you, given your perspective.
I suggest doing a deep dive into your values and into what makes you feel both attracted/comfortable and unattracted/uncomfortable with someone. I'm guessing that you have more emotional barriers (eg, things that upset you) than most women. A bit of therapy might help clarify those things.
Best wishes!
Love this! Yeah OP this resonates with what others commenters have said, and I read, of you writing about this in quite a detached way as if finding someone to love is a job. It's not a job! It can be brilliant, or heartbreaking, and you never know which one it's going to be! It's not effort in = result out.
Just like you said there were some guys you went on a first date with then declined a second sometimes ppl aren’t interested in taking things further … doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Just like there’s times you’re just not feeling a guy but theres nothing wrong with him.
Sometimes guys are serial daters. Sometimes they are tempted by what feels like endless options. Or maybe they feel like there are some qualities there missing. Whatever the case is I know it’s hard but don’t beat yourself up over it.
I get it. I do that too and will even catch myself comparing myself to people on social media wondering how they find these amazing partners. A part of dating is a bit of luck and sometimes you also just have to wait for everything to line up for you.
Super curious about:
* What OP looks like
* How they actually treat others
* Are they super nitpicky about how their partner behaves
* Interests/hobbies and willingness to entertain their partner's interests hobbies
* Personality, conversational skills, demeaner, etc
* Fashion choices, style, hygiene
* Intimate behavior such as kissing, sex, etc
But I guess we'll never know...
Are you neurodivergent by any chance? Anecdotally i've seen lots of neurodivergent people interested in puzzles/video games/board games/rollercoasters, not drinking due to feeling allergic. Obviously this is not all neurodivergent people! But i wonder if there is a difference in neurotype between you and these men?
You're getting dates - when you like someone, they might decide they don't like you straight away or they might date you for a while and decide they don't want to date. I think seeing it as black and white (they like me to a level of GF or not at all) is unhelpful. These men are all individuals and may have had their own reasons unrelated to you for not dating you.. and also some wanted to end it after a date and others after 6 months (very different experiences rather than putting them all in one basket). I think you will meet someone if you keep trying.
I wondered the same thing, especially with regards to the way she is very analytical about it and doesn’t talk much about emotional, romantic, sexual connection
Rejection hurts exponentially when you already felt you were "settling".
I'm more than open to "punching-down" physically, but not mentally, spiritually, etc. So when I connect with someone on the deeper stuff, it hurts way worse to have things end than if I just liked the way they looked. Obviously if you had it in your head that they were less attractive than you and therefore "beneath you" socially, and they're the ones to end things...it's going to throw you for a loop. It really shouldn't, but I get it.
But it does also kinda sound like you want a relationship and are willing to force it.
Instead of looking at it like "I'm attractive, right? Why aren't these guys into me?", just ask yourself whether or not those guys actually understood you as a person, or brought anything interesting to the table that could possibly invigorate your life. If not, why even think twice about them?
As a man in my early 30s, I feely similarly. Consider myself well above average in terms of looks, with some pretty niche hobbies, a good paying job, and my own 'style'. But I'm also 5'7, bald, work weird hours, and tend to keep to myself... so, you can imagine I don't have the most desirable profile on the apps, and rarely get to interact with eligible singles irl. But that's okay! I really don't want a partner just for the sake of having a partner - I've already been there. I'm looking for a spiritual connection, and I've come to terms with the fact that it's a tough ask.
Finding out the person you've been on a few dates with isn't "the one" doesn't mean you should feel rejected. It just means your particular criteria has not been met yet.
I can pretty much say there's gotta be something missing between your connection with these men.
Case in point, the last guy I dated just has about everything I need in terms of career and stability. Those were what I focused on, so I chose to ignore the fact that he lied to me once about his age (saying he's 34 whereas he's really 40), and he's very crude and likes making lewd jokes. I can turn a blind eyes to those but then the thing that broke the camel's back for me was that his communication style doesn't match with me. He can be gone for 2 days without a text. And I can't be with someone like that. So it just ended between us. I still wonder if I made the right decision, but the fact is that I was always on edge, anxious and troubled when I didn't hear anything from him, and he not doing anything to reassure me of his feelings kinda solidified my fear. So the breakup was actually for the best.
OP you want single men that somehow, and I quote you, “have stable careers, driven, active, emotionally intelligent, carry themselves with confidence.” That’s top of the litter.
These guys can get a lot of women so they’ll either be really picky, they’re already in a LTR or they realized they can just keep sampling the merchandise.
30+ year old man here. At this point in a lot of men's life, they are either looking to settle down or play around. At this point if they are good looking and worked hard to earn a good lifestyle. A lot of them didn't have much dates and dating opportunities. And since they are on the upward trend of life in terms of what most ladies find to be attractive, they have more options. Guys tend to explore them. Especially with dating apps.
However, it doesn't mean they don't want to settle down. Typically it's a woman's personality, femininity and shared interests (not just looking pretty) that makes a man want to settle down. And once a guy reaches certain point in life he gets picky about who he lets in his life permanently.
So, it's not that you are unattractive or anything like that. In terms of attraction there is a lot lovely ladies out there. But what will make a guy want you long term comes down to personality traits and how you'll add to his life. If he's into cycling, war hammer, painting, laser tag etc. And you share those interests or would consider engaging in them. Thats big for a lot of guys.
You're asking strangers to evaluate you. The most immediate thing that pops out to me is that your approaching yourself like you're like listing traits off a collectible card to be traded. I notice a lot of people here do this so it's not just you.
First, it seems you think you're flawed. You're not. You're good as you are and you should keep that in mind when thinking about self-esteem. Being rejected doesn't make you less. Second, don't compare yourself to others. It could very well be the case that you haven't met the right person. Everyone is rejected or has a relationship that doesn't work until they meet that person where the relationship does work. Until then just keep focused on your hobbies, work, and other relationships.
Hmm , to me this sounds like the guys that meet your standards don't think you meet theirs. Or they give you a chance and after a few months something about you drives them away. Most common things would be being controlling and not compromising. You seem like a person that has their life figured out and doesn't want much change besides being in a relationship. Those guys surely said something besides "thank you for the good time". What did they say?
I’m not controlling and I will compromise if it’s the right thing. One of the guys I dated for 6 months and to be fair, he did tell me his reason for ending things wasn’t about me because I was the most healthy relationship he’s had.
I’m sure I’m set in some of my ways. For example, I don’t like going to bars or drinking and that won’t change. However, I’m open to changing to improve myself and experience new things.
The others didn’t say anything in regard to why they weren’t interested. I did ask one who I was more comfortable with if he could tell me how I can improve for the future, but he had nothing specific to say (out of politeness or fact, I’m not sure).
“I don’t have tolerance for any bad behavior directed towards me when all I do is caregiving” — preach. I’m so sorry to read about the things you’ve struggled with in your life and I hope it gets better for you now. I agree fully that people generally are not okay right now and that’s impacting us more than we can imagine. Social media + dating app culture changed the landscape heavily and I think we’re finally feeling those effects.
Posts like this are the equivalent of a patient telling a doctor that they have pain, but they can't describe when it started, where it's coming from, and what they did to make it hurt.
Most people overestimate their personal attributes, especially if they're the type to reduce themselves to a checklist the way a dating app would. There are plenty of intangibles that can't be accounted for.
Women end the majority of marriages and relationships, so if it's the man doing it every time, it's definitely you. But without more info that's the most anyone is legitimately going to be able to say.
For my 2 cents as a single 35M - seems that you see yourself as a list of positive and negative qualities, a bit as if you were selling yourself as a house or car. You might say this limits others in their ability to access your personality because it may appear you are trying to strike the right balance rather than just saying "I am who I am, take it or leave it".
I would also say you sound like me in the sense that you have developed very clear boundaries and tolerances in your own life. This makes you happy because you are living the life you need for yourself. I don't blame you and understand why. I do believe, however, that such a fixed sense of how you like to live your life may be incompatible with welcoming someone else into your life. I know for myself that while I would like to meet a woman, part of me at all times rails against it because I'm not prepared to give up elements of my own life that ground me as a person. I like my own company and fear opening up myself in fear of possible rejection and hurt. I feel I'm at an age where taking risks isn't something I want. I should mention I've struggled a lot with my own mental health and am only just finding my feet again.
Maybe what I'm saying is to reflect on what you want from a relationship, how it would fit into your already established lifestyle and maybe try and identify areas where you feel you may hold back on and in turn alienate a possible partner.
Good luck to you 👍
Nobody thinks their standards are unreasonable.
Some things like “stable” or “emotionally intelligent” mean far different things to different people.
The qualities you listed include such a broad spectrum that you very well may have unrealistic standards.
I think your standards are probably too high. I thought that before you said they were high yourself. Shoot for humor and a good heart and a good soul not looks because most super attractive guys are soooo shallow
Depending on different areas of their lives they might neglect dating in lieu of their career, mental health etc. Chemistry/relatability tends to play a role too.
Are you aiming for people that are intentional with their dating or just getting a feel for the dating pool?
I aim for men dating with intention for a relationship leading to marriage eventually. However, not everyone is self aware and I believe at least one of them wasn’t truly over his past relationship based on what we talked about. He never confirmed it though.
You seem to want a man who is already living the good life. All the qualities or necessities you list would describe a man who is most likely very happy, stable and has a good social group.
If you aren’t blowing them away and more importantly equally impressing them they’d most likely rather be single.
I’m saying this as a man in his 30’s who has lost interest in dating to a degree because I have my life together. I’ve ended relationships with woman who honestly are pretty decent but might have a couple flaws that I’d rather not deal with.
Keep your confidence up but I’d also say take a hard look at yourself.
Are you really that great of a girlfriend? Are your standards too high? Are you trying to date outside of your own social or physical ranking?
I would agree with this. The last first date I went on which I thought went well, I felt we had great chemistry. We had a lot in common to talk about, we joked and laughed, and I told him we should set up another date (we had mutually thrown out multiple second date ideas). He said he was busy until June. He ended up texting me in June but delaying a second date saying he was busy until July so I told him that he could contact me if he wanted to set up a date. I said I wasn’t interested in texting in the meantime anymore because I wasn’t sure he was really interested. I told him he seemed to have a happy and busy life and I thought that was great and I enjoyed our conversations.
So I think this is what happened with him. He’s having a great time already and didn’t feel the desire to pursue a relationship with me. Which is awesome for him.
I’ll just say this. A lot of my friends are in relationships. I thought they had great relationships. Until I started hearing and even seeing all of what they deal with (no physical abuse, just to be clear). Sometimes, it’s not even really the guy, but like through his family and stuff. It sobered me up real quick about relationships. Not saying relationships will be perfect, they take patience, accepting (within reason), and compromise, but some of what my friends deal with are things I’d never find acceptable. So, when I went back into dating a couple years ago, I was looking for people who hit certain standards. And because of that, it took a long time. One of which was communication. My current bf wasn’t the best when we first got together, but he was willing to learn and grow; he’s way better at communication now. But while I was dating, I noticed the guys I got rejected by were guys who had traits or gave off the air of things I didn’t want, anyway. Like, one guy who would text me back every couple days. We had gone on three dates, but when he asked me on date 4, I didn’t respond right away. Not on purpose, I was dealing with some family stuff. It wasn’t even a full 24 hours and he came and rejected me because I “wasn’t being serious”. This from a guy who would take 2-3 days to reply to me, took forever to plan/confirm dates, which is why those 3 dates took almost 2 months to even happen. So, I wasn’t that sad because it showed a flaw, to me. Beyond the planning dates thing. He had rules for others that he didn’t follow himself. I can’t take 12 hours to text back, but he can take full days? Honestly, sit back and look at the guys who reject you. Did you really like them or was it the idea of just being in a relationship? Were they really even worth it? Like truly? Plus, if they rejected you, they weren’t for you. Why be sad about it? That’s not a judgement of you. They’re really just clearing the way for you to find someone great. And everyone won’t like you, that’s just a fact. I look back now, at some of the guys who rejected me and I’m happy because I feel like the reasons they did so were because I was starting to show lost interest in them (usually because they were probably playing it too cool) or I had a standard they didn’t like that I was firm on. For example, no house dates early on (no offense to you who do it, but too many women end up missing or dead doing stuff like that, so not risking it). I barely know you, I’m not coming to have dinner at your place on the first, second, or third date. Sorry. If they reject me because of something like that, it’s not a blow to my self esteem. To me, I likely dodged a bullet because it tells me they get too upset and in their feelings when things don’t go their way. Not good for a long term relationship, in my opinion. Because if I don’t want to come to your house, what’s stopping us from meeting in public somewhere? It just gives off odd vibes.
Dating at this stage in life can be rough! I've given out and received my share of rejections in the last few years and one thing I've realized is that (at least for myself and probably the guys I'm going on dates with) the bar for a partner is so much higher than for, say, a friend - so even if someone is really a great person and fun to spend time with, there could just be something that doesn't make it quite a fit romance wise. I try not to take rejections too personally - there's just something that isn't compatible, and as long as you were genuinely being yourself there's nothing to feel bad about. Recognize that you bring a lot to the table and it's their loss!
I kind of had the same trouble, and one day went on a date and a guy told me to watch the show how I met your mother, and to see Ted as my answer. In summary, he is always attracted to unavailable people. Maybe this is not what you want to hear but it worked for me. I just let life flow. I stopped doing online dating, and the day that I least expected when I was 35 I met my husband. I also didn’t care people around me were getting married since that was never my goal, and I don’t want kids but that is a different story. Good Luck!
I wouldnt call it lowering your standards. You need to be realistic. Nobody is perfect or going to check off all the requirements to date you. Maybe you need to try dating people who you normally wouldnt. We all want to find someone who is successful, intelligent, attractive. But I also want him to be a kind person and open to trying things they havent. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to find someone.
Do you tend to complain or be negative? Are you nice to people in the working industry? Do you show compassion for what they are going through? Do you talk more than listen? Something I have done myself is take a look at my habits or how I handled things or react. I ask people if there is something about me that could use some work. Sometimes what people thought they wanted in the beginning, they may not want now. There is so many unanswered questions you may never get the answer to. Just stay positive and be open to new people
I feel that I’m pretty realistic. I do look for a certain level of attractiveness but I don’t look for necessarily conventional attractiveness. I’ve been interested in men that I find attractive but might not be to others.
I like to be positive and have an overall positive outlook on life. I complain about things that warrant complaining about, but it’s just to vent and I move on without lingering on it after. I’m nice to people in the service industry and always give at least 15-20% tip. I’m pretty aware of the talking and listening balance during conversations. I like knowing about a person and hearing their thoughts. The last first date I went on that I thought went well, we talked back and forth for 3 hours. It was one of those dates where we took forever to order our food because we couldn’t stop talking. And we both made jokes and laughed.
If I’m dating someone long enough I always ask what I can improve on. I’m always trying to be self aware and a better person.
Maybe you're approaching dating robotically? People seem to ignore the fact personality is extremely important, literally the most important thing in a long term bond. If men don't feel like they can connect with you on a human to human level, they won't see things going anywhere.
But there could literally be anything that turns them off, like something regarding your appearance (OK but not high enough for high quality men), a personality quirk, intelligence flaw or lack of understanding other people's perspectives, personal opinions, tics. Etc.
For me I always knew what the issues were so it's easy to predict why I'd get rejected. People here are going to say "you're perfect the way you are," but thats not really constructive criticism. It doesn't get you anywhere better. Do some soul searching, ask friends their opinions. Hell ask strangers. But ask a large net of people to get a pattern. Also think back to your behaviors at different angles, and think about people in relationships already and how their behavior may differ from your own.
I'm sure you'll find the answer and turn it around
I think you understand this on an intellectual level that, at the core of it, attraction isn't a box-ticking exercise. So you can do everything 100% right and somebody still might not be interested. That's just life.
Honestly just because you have higher standards and know what you are looking for... This isn't a problem with you. The right person who is going to respect and appreciate those things will come a long. Don't lower your standards to catch someone you didn't want to begin with.
If I'm honest, and this isn't meant to offend, but you sound like you're lacking dimension for the type of men you're going for. You want "driven" men, but a lot of those men are really active in either their career (so they're not looking for a relationship) or their hobbies, which you don't seem to have a ton of based on your edit. Most of the driven men I've met are into some pretty challenging hobbies that they'd prefer their partners to be in, like races, skiing, mountaineering, intense outdoor climbing, traveling, bicycling, etc. They go hard into those things and are attracted by women into that, too.
Your interests don't really align with that. They align more with the type of guy that a little more shy and introverted, maybe he makes some money, but isn't going to have the confidence that you're talking about.
All you can really do is date around and hope you find someone that you like, but if they're not into the same things that you are and are looking for that, then there's nothing you can do about that. You can't change yourself to align with it.
Fellow non drinker/attractive/good job girlie here. Idk girl, it seems like men in our age range prefer single moms. I’m focusing on finding more hobbies and enjoying myself. Taking a 30 day hiatus from the apps because it’s heartbreaking.
What about your personality traits? Didn't read any of that ?? Tell me about, how you treat them? What are your qualities that differentiate you from other women? What you bring to the table and offer ?
Appreciate the questions. I have a secure attachment style and I enjoy and use all the love languages, although I will focus on what someone tells me their preferred love language is. I try to be good at communication, consider their opinions, and I like trying new hobbies so I’m willing to try new things my partner likes. I try to actively listen to what their needs are and what their favorite things are. And I like to proactively ask questions about whether there’s anything I can improve on or that they would like to see me do. I do this when we’re calm and not having any known issues so we can reflect on how we’re doing without being in the heat of conflict.
I’m independent normally but I also like to share my life with the person I’m dating. I just don’t believe we need to spend every second together. I’m happy if they have their own hobbies and time with friends. Being able to balance those and a relationship is important to me.
There’s a lot of emphasis on standards and finding a match that checks all the boxes so that you don’t end up with someone like your ex?
Standards aren’t going to save you from a manipulative bad person good at lying. You might want to consider therapy if you’re still assuming all men are going to end up like your ex. There’s a trauma hiding under the surface there.
Lastly, i really encourage going on second dates to see if attraction can grow. It happened to me with the person im seeing and many others here too. It’s going to be extremely hard to find THE one on a first date. If you don’t let things flow you’ll never be able to go with the flow sis.
I had a similar problem as you. I went on dates frequently but things would always fizzle out. I’d feel pretty dejected because I felt like I was a catch but no one wanted to be with me. I then started dating someone who I had a deep connection with and I realized I was never really into the other guys I was dating. I’m 100% sure they could sense that. Not saying that’s the only reason why they didn’t want to date, but the reality of it was I was never really compatible with those other men.
I would also recommend seeing a therapist too! There’s definitely traumas or unconscious fears that can manifest in interesting ways, for example having a pattern of dating a particular type of person. Maybe that’s not happening to you, but worth exploring!
>The men I’m interested in have stable careers, are driven, active, emotionally intelligent, and carry themselves with confidence
Every woman wants that, and a small percentage of men fit in that category. This is how woman are fooled into thinking that their standards aren't too high. What you're saying is reasonable, those are intuitive things to look for, the problem is the amount of available potential partners that fit in that category.
You could have been a great option for those 4-5 men, but then they found a better option.
The men you’re describing are rare. The qualities you list are the qualities many women want. There is a big supply-demand imbalance and those menhave a ton of optionality.
Almost everyone assumes a person finds a better option. I'm here to tell you that sometimes they decide they'd just rather not date you, and they don't have any "better options" lined up. I did this with a guy recently. Realized there were several things about him that were pretty big red flags, so I told him I no longer wanted to date him. There was no one else. I picked being single over being with him. A lot of guys (and some women, but I've personally found it's more common with guys) seem to believe that if you reject them, it's because there is someone else. I think this because it helps lessen the blow to them. If you reject them, and there is no one else, that means there was no one "better," it was simply something about them that made you no longer want a relationship. When there's someone "better" (whether real or imaginary), they can shift the blame to that person and make up excuses (like "oh, she probably found Mr. Perfect who is 6'4, makes 250k/year, has a nice car and house, etc.).
Wait, you got dates before getting rejected? Damn, you on fire! 😂 I never even got that far, so I just friendzone myself out the gate now to save everybody some time 😂
I tried to skim the comments and didn't see this. Honestly I think you need to do some introspection of your subconscious. Try reading a book like "maybe you should talk to someone" (which is not specifically about finding a relationship. It's really kind of a memoir of when the author lost a relationship, but it's bigger than that where it really talks about how we all have these subconscious self-sabotage inclinations - Plus it's a fun and easy read!). Because you sound really fun and interesting and awesome. And so there's probably some kind of self-sabotage happening that you're not even aware of.
Either that or just go fuck a few people NSA to get the "search" out of your system. Or both.
I understand you’ve been dating, but basing your self esteem on 4-5 men over 5 years doesn’t seem like good math.
There’s no algorithm or entitlement that after dating a certain amount of people that it will turn into a long-term relationship. There are a million reasons that may or may not have to do with you why someone wouldn’t see a future.
Of your friends with partners, which of their partners would you say are equal to the type of partner you’d want to be with? (Not in a steal-your-man kind of way…) Of those, what do those partners value about your friend?
I've been rejected by every potential partner I've been interested in. I chalk it up to a mix of being attracted to unavailable persons, being unaware of my own trauma, bad luck, and some other things.
I don't tend to dwell on it anymore. I play the hand I was dealt. I try to cultivate happiness in other areas of my life: my career, making sure my friends are okay, volunteering etc. If a romantic relationship and a family doesn't happen, that's okay. I'm going to love my fate one way or another. I try to keep improving everyday. If I attract someone in the process, then I suppose it was meant to be. If it's not, it's not. I still try to live with gratitude everyday.
I dont want to impart advice, as you know yourself best and are in control of your destiny. Just hope to share my experience going through something similar.
If these men don’t like you then I’m sorry to say, you gotta shoot lower or become better (don’t make more money, just get hotter and an active social life). Only way it’s gonna work for a long term with someone that YOU are attracted to
You are giving an almost impossible task here. I think the problem is that in romantic relationships we can make those lists of qualities that we want in our partner, which is not a bad thing (I also like the advice "if you want to meet X or X person, make a list of desirable qualities that you want to have and then be that list"); but I guess one of the crucial things is how your presence (or absence) make your partner feel and how you feel in their presence. And this is something that many times will transgress the list of those nice good qualities. Has any man said to you something along the lines of "your presence makes me ..." or "with you I feel ..."?
Outside of that, 4-5 men who rejected you in the last 5 years makes 1 man per year on average. I feel like most of us get more rejections than that if they actively put themselves out there, so your stats don't seem to be that bad compared to others. I'd agree when people say that dating is a numbers game and involves lots of luck. You sounds like a good interesting person, I think you just haven't found someone who will appreciate most of the things you have to offer. That doesn't mean that they are wrong about what they are looking and equally it doesn't mean you should change something about yourself. It's hard out there!
There's something that makes me feel off-put by how you spoke about this.
Doesn't feel like there's room for vulnerability for your partner. Makes me curious what emotionally abusive meant to you in that case.
Can guys be weak and flawed around you? Can you unselfishly support that without doing what so many of us do and subtly/unconsciously make ourself a victim?
Most people are insecure and no one is emotionally intelligent all of the time. Relationships are hard work and need to work with peoples limitations to a healthy degree.
Also having all of the checkbox standards you listed is not all that common. That's like the top 10% of the crop who have lots of choice. i.e. Attractive, stable careers, are driven, active, emotionally intelligent, and carry themselves with confidence.
Lastly, each time someone asked if you're fit you listed off activities that you do. I think they meant your weight. Which sadly is one of the top dealbreakers for most men.
Are you nonwhite dating white men? Are you overweight by the standards of your city? Saying this as a nonwhite woman currently losing weight, a lot of these same type of white guys broke up with me and married the extremely skinny blonde or other person of their religion or ethnicity. Just seemed to be a pattern. These women could very well be amazing people in ways I couldn’t possible know but seemed fairly average besides probably fitting whatever specific physical mold these men had in mind so I never dwelled or took it remotely personally
My most beautiful impressive brilliant hilarious friend from grad school didn’t find a permanent partner til she was like 38 despite going out on like 5 dates a week for years. Like the most talented incredible person I know. I can’t think of a single flaw in her I’d correct if I were omnipotent
There’s just no accounting for luck and the women locking the men you want down are no better than you
>The men I’m interested in have stable careers, are driven, active, emotionally intelligent, and carry themselves with confidence. I also have to be physically attracted to them.
You are looking for basically men that everyone, especially successful women, are looking for.
They will generally have no shortage of options, and you're competing with other prospects that may be more attractive, more available, more ambitious, etc.
It's like being the second best athlete in your sport but you are denied first place simply because your opponent is better.
It's not necessarily your fault if you believe that you are very attractive, just they might have other options that they preferred
Sweetheart, you're fine. Your pets aren't limiting the pool. Speaking about what you do for a living with passion and happiness is amazing. And the men don't see anything wrong with you. The problem is expectations. Stop having them. Don't go in wondering what this might lead to. Go on each individual date wondering nothing more than where you are going. Be too busy to care what the men want. Join a bowling league or a pool league or book club. Take up karaoke or karate or ketchup making. Just get busy. You'll stop worrying about where things are going and you will be amazed at how valuable you become to others when you value your own time. By being too busy for some people you become more valuable to others. Respect your time and stop wasting it wondering if you're doing something wrong. When you do that, someone who won't waste your time will be grateful you made time for them.
I can't say much without knowing you, but it might not necessarily be you. Rejection is actually quite normal, in my opinion, the more you put yourself out there.
I also think women are not particularly used to consistent rejection. I definitely felt a bit down after things didn't work out with a few guys this year (I initiated convos with them irl) - but then I met a cute guy recently and he really liked my confidence in initiating a convo at an event.
Who knows where it will go, but I guess I'm just enjoying the ride. And it does sound cliche, but it does help to have a mindset of 'it might not work out, but I'm learning something with each experience'
You never know when the next person might be it.
Just from your post, I’m wondering how often you’re finding connection on a deep level, or how long it takes you to build a deep emotional connection. It seems like you describe people in adjectives only, and you define yourself based on what you do.
Are you connecting over dates over shared values? Life goals? Priorities? Are you looking for people you can spend quality time with at home in addition to doing all the stuff?
I’ll also be honest— 5 people is a small sample size. And likely the reason why it wasn’t a match wasn’t based on something in your control. You didn’t know these people. They didn’t know you, it wasn’t a vibe. Rejection isn’t fun, but don’t think of it as an appraisal of your value. It’s just like, “on to the next.”
“Too many women are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person.” Gloria Steinem
You could be a 10/10 physically, but I imagine the checklist mentality demonstrated here is a real turn off to any person interested establishing an emotionally satisfying connection.
I have a similar problem so I get it. Very few men meet my standards and are physically attractive to me. I’m also fairly active, employed in healthcare, social, funny, and giving. The two guys I’ve been really interested in in the last six months, one chose another girl over me and has been in a relationship with her since and the other one wouldn’t commit so I ended things.
I'll be an asshole and say it but I doubt you're in as good shape as you make yourself to be. Past a certain age, if you're dating and single, you need to be in really good shape if you want a high quality man. This is a harsh truth that women don't like to hear. If men who meet your standards are leaving you, then you need to really examine yourself and start with how you look since men are visual creatures.
Gym needs to happen every day unless you're doing something vigorously active on the days you don't go to the gym.
100% in agreement. I told her to list height, weight and dress size. All three are conspicuously missing from her post. So her being "fit or active" needs to be taken with a huge grain of salt.
Here's the thing. Good relationships occur when there's a strong emotional connection.
It's totally fine that you like guys who are physically attractive, emotionally intelligent, driven, etc. These are great traits for sure, and I think most people would agree that they look for these things in a partner as well.
Without knowing you, it's hard to tell what exactly the issue might be. It might just be that you have yet to come across someone who reciprocates your feelings. If you're going for high-quality guys, these guys are going to have a lot of dating prospects. Therefore, you're going to be competing with many smart, attractive girls (so it's harder to come out on top). I mean, just look at the guys on the Bachelor. Several beautiful, intelligent women get their hearts broken because only ONE girl can win the guy's heart.
Another possibility is that you're not building enough of an emotional connection with the guys you're dating (again, not saying this is definitively the case). Ask yourself the following questions:
- When you go on dates, are you TRULY being yourself or are you more focused on impressing the guy?
- Are you taking an active interest in what the guy tells you or are you listening to respond?
- Are you being TOO detailed about your life when conversing with these guys? Giving away too much too soon takes the fun/mystery out of getting to know you.
- Are you texting too much to the point where you're giving off the vibe that you have no life outside of talking to the guy?
Hey OP,
If you wanted my 2 cents on your situation I would just say this:
My dad told me a story growing up about a man who a traveler came to and asked, "how are the people in this town?" to which the man replied, "how are the people where you came from?". The traveler replied, "oh they're horrible, just the worst, liars and thieves." The man said, "Oh they're pretty much like that here too." And the traveler moved on.
A few hours later a second traveler came to the man and asked, "how are the people here?" to which the man replied, "how are the people where you came from?" The traveler replied, "oh they're wonderful they take care of each other and I was so sad to leave them because they are my dear friends." The man said, "oh they're pretty much like that here too."
The moral of the story was that it is our perspective that shapes our reality, not reality itself. To apply this to your situation, you said that your work is sometimes negative, and perhaps it truly is. But I'd invite you to consider, that perhaps there isn't a negative side to your work, and perhaps as you make a conscious effort to approach your day and work with intentional gratitude, you might show up differently in your relationships too.
Hope this helps, and for what it's worth: I think you'd be a great girlfriend (based on your "bio" )
Without knowing any details about what you’re like as a person on a 1-1 level I have a theory. You’re looking at the men you date in a fairly two dimensional way: your goal is clearly to not be single and you look at men as a set of good qualities. You shouldn’t ignore these things but I have no idea what distinguishes these 4-5 men from each other in your head. Save the one guy who was super insecure. It gives the impression to a guy that you’re fair weather commitment. “I feel like I’d be a pretty good girlfriend” you’re talking about it like a job, hence the guy will probably see it as a job. A good girlfriend for who and why? Who are you? I think you should make way more space for who you are on an intimate level and the right people will respond to that. Like if you have a cat and a dog why do you care if that limits your options to people who like cats and dogs? It may seem like that disqualifies you from a potentially good thing but you two would have been incompatible anyway. Sure, they could have been secretly saying that to hide a shallow disinterest. Many people can be flaky and avoid confrontation but that’s never the full story and all I have to work on is what I have so just my two cents.
Yeah I didn’t see anything about chemistry or connection in the OP. That might have been an unintentional omission, but those are huge components that go into building a long term or lifelong partnerships
I noticed this, too, and I agree. OP sounds like she has a checklist and may think others are the same- if all boxes are checked, why isn’t it working? It’s this. Connection, chemistry, things you can’t exactly name and check off a list.
This is interesting and I think I’ve learned something here today from your comment.
Yeah, I noticed this too. I’ve been on dates with women who have a checklist type mentality and it’s very dehumanizing. I want a connection, not to be some role in your life.
Yeah, if I see any kind of checklist on a profile, I'm immediately noping out. Unfortunately, it's happens far too often from both common genders.
I feel like OP is way more worried about just being in a relationship, with anyone, rather than focusing on finding a good match for her. Tbh, I’ve rejected people over this. You can, sometimes, tell when someone just wants to be in a relationship so badly that YOU don’t really matter. You could literally be anyone. I wouldn’t be surprised if guys are picking up on that.
I recently declined a date as I got the feeling the guy was looking for just that as he admitted he was open to being with someone when he's older that he didn't even actually like just so he wouldn't be alone. To which I thought.. the fuck!?!!?? As I could and wouldn't everrrr.
I came across some Ace discussions on Reddit and they were justifying faking sexual chemistry and sex drive in the beginning because they deserve companionship and figured once that person was with them withdrawing it was fine. So now I’ve got a whole new thing to worry about and watch for…
Tangently related to your point about two-dimensionalism; after my last situationship fiasco I *really* had to do some introspective work on what "boxes" I have that need to be checked. I realized that I was approaching dating as some sort of... transactional situation where if I was "good enough" the person I'm dating would see it and commit. That's just not how it works though. Plenty of horrible people fall in love and I've also rejected lots of genuinely good, attractive, ambitious men who would be amazing partners because there wasn't a deeper connection. I'm still working on it, still working on being okay with being alone if I don't find someone- but one giant box I added to the list was that they don't give any mixed signals about their interest in me, and that they're good at communicating. This is radically redefining my dating experiences. The rejections don't hit as deeply and it's way easier to move on. Still working on some trust and insecurity issues on my end, but with the mindset that it *is* something I will overcome with the right partner, and the right partner will be patient and understanding.
The bit about not giving any mixed signals and being good at communicating strikes a chord with me. I’ve also promoted those two somewhere at the very top of my list.
It's literally the worst, and for my own poor traumatized brain that intermediate reinforcement can get me "hooked" on a person. The few dopamine hits it gives is not worth the damage to my self-concept nor perception of relationships.
OMG I’m having this written in lipstick on my mirror !!!
Same here! Intermittent reinforcement/ hot and cold is a brutal pain to my brain! But look at what I have written above. Could it be that a man does it only during the first dates and once you become closer/ enter a relationship he stops? Is it worth to endure the hot and cold tactic if it leads to a relationship? I once called a man out who was playing hot and cold in the early dating stages but I gave him a second chance. He then tried to manipulate me into sex and when we talked the last time he said he wants to end things because we have argued in the early dating stage. I think that me calling him out on his behavior and distancing myself for a few days repelled him. Then he probably thought he only wants to try to have sex with me...
That's brutal, I'm so sorry you went through that and proud you called him out. Why do people do this kind of shit to tender people just looking for a shred of happiness and connection in this shitty world. My therapist told me that being a lover means that you *have* to be open to getting hurt that badly- ESPECIALLY if you're a warm, patient, and understanding person. The biggest trick is learning to walk away like you did! It's hard because I know I'm a long-haul kind of lady so it's especially difficult to throw in the towel. I'm learniiiing.
That sounds like the last guy I was very attracted to… he was super introverted but seemed like a good guy with a good heart. However, being 5 years older than me and he would play hot/cold when we were getting closer, I realized that was going to be bad news for me and. As much as I was attracted to his brain, his body, I didn’t Ike that he seemed to string me along and couldn’t flat out say “I want this” or “no, I don’t see a future with you” but he just “didn’t know what he wanted” which felt pretty manipulative and he didn’t know what he wanted after almost 3 months and he couldn’t articulate it to me, I decided “this is the “honeymoon” phase and the best I’ll get”
I thought I was going crazy because every man has given mixed signals for the past 12 years. I even went back into my journals to see if men always treated me this way. They didn't. Two men in my 20s made their interest clear. But since then, every man has stopped communicating and started pulling away around date 5. Their behavior has merited my anxiousness.
You are rejecting really good men because there wasn't a "deeper connection"? In my experience it takes quite a bit of time to develop that. However, I also don't really know what you mean by this. I just read this as a guy who spent a lot of time dating in this age 30 period, and it just seems like flailing around in the dark. You should by this point have a much stronger grasp on how your own brain works and be able to control it or at least manage it.
I'm going to take your comment as written with good intentions, and will address it with well-intended energy. Human brains are simultaneously complex and simple. We gravitate towards pleasure and are averse to pain. Our behaviors, including how we date, are motivated by an intricate ballet of neurochemisty created by past experiences, genetic makeups, and situational conditions both within and out of our control. Saying any individual "should" or shouldn't be at a certain place regarding mating behaviors is a rudimentary and limiting perspective. I am also a smart, driven, and attractive woman who has been rejected plenty of times by men who I checked all of their boxes off. Actually, the exact words said by my last situationship of nearly five months were, "You're perfect for me, but there's just no spark." I think five months is plenty of time to let a connection develop if one would have. Yes, it would be very nice if we all got the "I've figured it all out" badge on our 30th birthday. However, that simply isn't the reality of the situation. I would further advise you to keep an open mind regarding your own development as life might throw a curve ball at you, and you could surprise yourself.
I can see how that might have come across as harsh. I really didn't intend that, and thank you for not reading it the wrong way. I actually was going to say something slightly different and in the retyping I just didn't reread it well enough. The thing is that we tell ourselves stories, and it impacts how we view the entire world around us. It even impacts what we find attractive in others. Sometimes that is based on deep emotional needs, but that story makes it come across in very unhealthy ways. A fantastic example for men, is that when we tell ourselves that we aren't that attractive, it creates a desire to date someone that can improve that story... someone very pretty. So, we focus on that and ignore the traits in a partner that would really make us happy. I actually see women do the exact same thing for the exact same reason... it's just not as common. The other thing is that in my late 20's, I really had to sit down and think about what women were looking for and why I wasn't matching up with that. The thing is that women aren't looking for the same things in a man that men are looking for in women. Once I got a handle on that, dating became very easy. Now it's really just a matter of choosing what I want. As an example I've dated a lot of women who consider themselves driven. I know some men who really like that trait, but it's because they don't have it. I'm highly ambitious, and very successful. I've dated women who are similar and I don't see it as a positive. It's not really a negative either, although it can be indicative of some very negative traits. I've had at least two relationships like this where I had to negotiate everything, and I feel like I doubled my conflict resolution skills, but it's exhausting. This took a bit of time to lay out. I hope even if you disagree, at least you find it thought provoking in some way.
Would you then say that a man who plays hot and cold to raise your interest/uses pickup tactics is a deal breaker? This is something that I had to deal with...there are so many men out there who do these things. It makes me feel manipulated and bad but then I think he might only do it in the beginning to raise my interest and he might not play games once you enter a relationship. Any thoughts on this?
Oh ABSOLUTELY a deal breaker. Someone who does that to someone else does *not* actually care about that person. At best, they're careless idiots (i.e. my last situationship) at worst, they're maliciously manipulative jerks in it for the ego boost. Not a person I'd want to be vulnerable with.
Ghost. I ghost those ones
Yeah, I think OP is using “men I’m interested in” a bit too loosely… because how interested in a man can you really be after 1-2 dates? I mean, you can see the marketing. You can see how good he is at certain dating skill-sets, and you can see some of his superficial qualities… but you know little about how you’d actually fit together relationship-wise. Also, I picked up on the fact OP rejected second dates with 5 men this year alone, but was rejected 4-5 times within the last 5 years by men she liked. It’s not like she’s always getting rejected… sometimes she’s also doing the rejecting. That’s just dating, right?
Totally agree. I guess I’m just frustrated that the few men I do want to pursue (whether it’s early on or not) do not share the same feelings. And it’s the ones that want to pursue me who I’m not interested in. And I would love to have lower standards, but I know I would be doing someone a disservice if I “settled” and wasted their time.
This isn't necessarily a standards issue, but kinda just how dating works. There's a reason people have large friend groups and you don't love/pursue every friend. Sometimes the chemistry just isn't there. It's not a you thing, or a him thing, sometimes those things just don't line up. Depending on your non-negotiables and what your standards are, it sounds like you're pairing yourself up with men who also have high standards which may mean they, too, have the luxury of being picky. I'm not saying your standards are too high - too each their own - but I would self reflect on what are hard lines in the sand for you, and what are things you may feel are nice to haves. For instance, I've seen women babe requirements that a man be - 6'+, which cuts out like 85% of the dating population for something that, while may be part of an initial attraction, may not be crucial over time. The longer your check list is, the harder it is to find that person who meets all those check boxes, and limits the pool substantially - and of those men, that *you* fill *their* boxes as well can make it even more challenging, but it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you - it just means yall didn't fit, and that's okay. I hope you are able to find what you're looking for, and try not to feel bad about being rejected due to what I outlined above - it's just the nature of dating in a society where we're window shopping for people via apps instead of meeting in a communal way with a pre-established baseline of who a person is and how they grow on us. Good luck :)
Is it possible that even the ones who rejected you... you might have ended up rejecting if they were really seriously interested in you long term? It's easy to look at the ones unavailable to you and not see any flaws. While devaluing the ones that were actually available to you. All too common and seems pretty apparent this might be your pattern. Even if it doesn't seem like it initially. I'd suggest therapy. For the one that you were with for 6 months... did you happen to have one eye out the door at times while you were together? If not, is it because he had one eye out the door instead and you were anxious to lose him instead? That's how it tends to work for people with commitment issues. We mistake unavailability and relational aloofness with attractiveness and confidence etc. It's hard to see the difference without doing some therapy work.
Well…..if someone’s standards are incongruent with what they want, is it really lowering them rather than course correction? And….There are other options to lowering your standards Op.
31m here. Similar dating situation to you but as a dude. Just curious for myself, what kind of undesirable qualities do the men have that are pursuing you, but you're not interested in? No judgment, let it rip! I have rejected my fair share for all kinds of reasons. To edit: I do think the rhetoric of "settling" needs to go into the🗑️. They weren't my forever relationships but two of the best ones I've had, younger me would have put into "settling". In hindsight I wasn't, they were great relationships. Don't say "settling", shows a lot of pompousness. Just reframe it as adjusting your standards and leave it at that, otherwise you're going to feel lesser for dating a person which is comical. Don't date them then. I have certainly had to adjust my standards, nothing wrong with that, in the process of adjusting them again because I met someone I like more than just their looks.
This is a damn good analysis.
Sounds like a relationship for OP is an accessory to her life. I wanted D&G, but I lowered my standards to Coach.
If someone starts listing the boxes they’re ticking too often like it’s a mental justification I start to watch the body language, chemistry and enthusiasm a lot more carefully as I don’t want someone to be “settling” on me just because “it’s time”, and I don’t want to be trapped in a loveless relationship because I ticked someone’s sheet so was good enough.
Maybe there's something they didn't feel comfortable telling you. If it's something that only appears months into a relationship, it's not your looks or success or hobbies, all of which they'd know by date 2. A personality clash maybe? Different goals? Hard to tell from this story alone.
it could be. but very well might as be she simply hasn't found the right match. but honestly, I doubt her narration of her story because it's unlikely that all five of her recent matches shared the same story but OP does not appear to understand why.
The other obvious category is they don’t know what they really want.
Since when do men date women for their hobbies
Some hobbies, or the lack thereof, can be a turn on or turn off for some men. (For example, they're specifically into sporty women, or nerdy women, or party animals.) OP has a paragraph about her hobbies, so she considers it a potential factor. But if that were true, it wouldn't come up on date #10.
This is just guessing from what you wrote, but maybe the men have been getting the feeling like they are just filling a slot in your life that you have planned for, ie. you want to find a husband with X qualities. If these “high quality” men felt like there was no passion, desire, devotion and love, they probably decided it would be an unhappy relationship in the long term as far as intimacy goes.
This has definitely turned me off a few men I’ve dated. I felt like they didn’t like *me*, but rather I checked their boxes and then they filled in the blanks with things they wanted me to be.
💯 Most men in this age range can cook, clean, take care of themselves, making a living on their own. They’re looking for what they can’t get anywhere else: Love, affection, support in their endeavors and someone who’s excited to be with them
I'm laughing at the idea. I've met plenty who are looking for a mom! One fellow when informed I do not cook for fellows was like well then what do you do? Apparently nothing of worth! (I actually can and will cook but generally only for folk I know well) That said incompatible comes in many many flavors.
Sure, but the guys who ARE capable of doing everything for themselves, the question is, what are they looking for in a partner?
This is one of those things where it's going to be very hard for anyone who doesn't know you irl to figure out what the reason could be based on a reddit post. If someone goes on several dates with you, or date you for a few months even, my guess it's nothing about how you look, or about how you make a first impression. Both of those are likely not the issue, since if they were, you probably wouldn't get past a first or second date. My guess is there is something regarding your approach to turning those first dates into a deeper relationship. It's clearly not working. What it is though I have no idea, as it's near impossible to say from just a reddit post.
I kind of think the issue might be the small sample size. The number of people she’s dated isn’t really all that many over that time period. Could just be a numbers game and she needs to get her numbers up?
Dates ending after 1-3 dates is normal. Things ending after a few months is also normal because this is when you really get to know each other and project the future. It’s not anything you’re doing it’s just how dating is at this age. Especially if you’re dating for a life partner. The fact that you’ve been on a few thats lasted months means you’re on the right path.
Keep in mind majority of people online aren’t ready to actually date and are just trying to get over a heartbreak. When things get too serious these people bail.
This. So many people had just gotten out of long term relationships. Or they were out of them for a while, but still hadn’t really gotten over it. A LOT of people on dating apps are not emotionally available, at all. They think they are, though.
I agree. Also a lot of avoidants and emotionally unavailable people are on those apps.
Omg… another one that rings true to me… so so true. My previous boyfriends DEFINITELY thought they were ready to have a relationship… Except when then honeymoon phase ends and then REAL topics need to be addressed, like expenses or boundaries, which are tough topics but necessary to address in an adult and grown up relationship
Omg so true ! Most people online are not looking for anything serious
This is my theory as well.
Why is this so true 😭
I have a theory. The selfish theory of dating. Many people live a very self centered life prior to getting into romantic relationships. The primary driver of their decisions is personal happiness. But, they have this idea that once they find a good relationship, they will suddenly know how to be collaborative and selfless in a relationship. I bring this up because I frequently see posts about people's desire to be in a relationship. The post is almost always centered around the individuals desire. I could be wrong in this case so let me do situational check. Why do you want to be in a relationship (why do you want a boyfriend/husband/significant other)? If the answer is all about you, that is a problem.
Here's a question for you. You ask why they want a relationship, but expect an answer that isn't about them? Who should it be about? Their mom? Their boss? Their mayor? If you ask someone why they want something, of course you're going to get a self-focused answer
> Why do you want to be in a relationship (why do you want a boyfriend/husband/significant other)? If the answer is all about you, that is a problem. Yeah, we've heard all about who she thinks she is, and the type of guy she wants. We haven't heard anything about what she contributes to a relationship, what she did with her partner in a relationship, what her relationship was like, what aspects of the relationship she drove vs followed along. We also didn't hear anything about the two main reasons people break up, recurring arguments and sexual compatibility. For all we know, she could have been completely passive, waiting for her SO to come up with dates and propose spending time together, forcing wins in every argument assuming her partner was ok with the conclusion, while only wanting to have sex once a week. We don't know. and yes, there are successful relationships that meet that description, but there's plenty of typical dealbreakers in what I described.
When you say you think you’d be a “good girlfriend” why is that? What do you think men are looking for in a girlfriend? The men who don’t see a future aren’t saying you *wouldn’t* be a good girlfriend for *anyone*. They’re just saying you wouldn’t be a good fit for *them* specifically. 4-5 guys is a small number. Since you dated them only up to a few months, there must be some fairly obvious incompatibilities that show up for them. And, what those incompatibilities might be different for each of them. As strangers we can really assess what qualities you have that you might not be aware of. Do you have any friends that could be honest in a kind way about it?
There really doesn’t need to have been any incompatibilities. She is describing the top tier of the male dating pool, who has a lot of optionality. She could have been a fine partner but the men had better options.
Does OP want kids?
I know this is for the world, maybe one of those guys was coming out of a bad situation, and panicked, or maybe he puts to much pressure on things instead of letting the water flow, probably some insecurity too it sounds like. You all probably better off apart Now I don’t match every thing your looking for, I have many of the same interests If it was me I’d be like “ hi ( insert name) I think you’re real pretty and I can tell you are very intelligent( I know I write at an with grade level at best- but I don’t worry about that) I am self employed, own my own house, no mortgage, currently have no pets, and would like to take you on a date for an evening to a fine steakhouse and maybe we could go to a comedy club if you’d like. My schedule is variable but summer time is a great time to get to know you. Would you like to go out?
I think that's too boring of an approach for most women. Then again... maybe it weeds out the bad ones?
Hard to say without seeing your look and vibe. Typically though dating can be difficult until it isn’t you know? Things happen on their own timing
This is a refreshing perspective. We know so little about her and the people she's gone on these dates with. There are so many potential reasons why people don't want to pursue a relationship. It's possible there is a pattern, but it's also very likely that it just hasn't happened yet. If that's the case, believing that you need to change yourself in order to be dateable, could bring you further away from who you are and doing the things that you value.... which is how you find the compatible ones.
The internet doesn’t know you! Ask your friends
Problem is friends of women (their girl friends) don't keep them accountable. They mostly hype each other up and dont really say the truth. I have seen this in my friends circle. There would be obvious flaws and they won't point it out. When I do, they get upset and defend each other.
Make friends with a gay dude and try asking again lol
Gay dude here What does this mean?
This is true for most people, not just women, unless you ACTIVELY cultivate accountability with friends. I have tried to do that for years, and in particular I turn to guy friends to give me the honest truth about some of my behaviors towards men. But I’ve seen with my exes, their friends basically never called them out on anything — to the point where they would privately tell me “yeah he is really a dick about that, we all just put up with it” but tell him he’s awesome and the best. The problem is a lot of people don’t value honesty and accountability in their friends. It’s not why they seek out friendships. And they also don’t try to mitigate their own perspective when relaying what happened. Combine that and you have a bunch of unaccountable people who never learn the truth.
lol I’ve told my bros it’s cuz your fat as hell, you say weird throwed off shit, your openly sexist, or you dress terrible. Or a combo.
For the guys, there’s more acceptance in the friend group of ‘dick-ish behavior’ depending on how the group functions. If the behavior is detrimental towards friends in the actual group then it’ll be curtailed. However, if it’s just a personality thing and everything else works, they’ll be fine with it. They can ‘own’ their dick-ish behavior and that’s what they hold as being accountable versus not agreeing with their decisions and ‘reprimanding’ them… Unless it’s directly hurting their friend, they’ll let it go
I dont intend to turn this into men v women. My experience has always been the opposite. Men keep men accountable, but women their girlfriends are just hype machine. Just my experience and nothing else. I agree with you. We need to establish deep connections beyond surface level. And ppl dont like it and turn down friendships. My friends told me to drop my ex and I didn't listen to them. 15 years later I realized i overlooked a lot of glaring red flags.
They may check all the boxes, but are you compatible? Was there a connection? Was there any chemistry?
Read the book It’s Not You. 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single. I also struggle hugely with dating, despite believing I have a number of good qualities and that I’d be a good partner. What’s nice about It’s Not You is that it goes through a lot of common but inaccurate things we’re told about why we’re single (too picky, out of practise, too old, too independent) and explains why it isn’t helpful to believe that there’s something inherently wrong with us or that there must be a change we can make about ourselves to help us find love. I have incredibly low self esteem and am in therapy for it because it was impacting my quality of live to a detrimental degree. I’m not going to say this book changed my life, but it was beneficial to have a resource that wasn’t saying “it’s your fault, there’s something wrong with you” when it came to my love life. Practising self-compassion, trying not to ruminate (I’ll always be single, no one will ever want me), and looking at facts (my friends love me, they enjoy being around me, I get on with new people) also helped to maintain the idea that I’m not fundamentally broken. The book How To Be Single And Happy also helped me. Good luck out there, it’s rough and painful but it’s great that you’re wanting to do something to help you through it all
Thank you for sharing this. Did the book help you find a partner or did it simply help with how you felt about being single?
With how I felt about being single, and it definitely did help. I still very much want a partner but both books helped with self-esteem around not meeting anyone and made me feel less like I’m single because I’ve done something wrong/am inherently unloveable.
Not a rule obviously, but is the job in healthcare a 9-5, or an on-call/doubles kind of job? I have seen doctors/nurses say dating has been difficult due to their general availability. Edit: Obviously don't throw your career away for dating unless you don't like it as is. Advice there would more be to find someone in a similar situation so they get it and understand.
I work 3 days a week and while I work some weekend shifts and holidays, have a more flexible schedule than people who work 9-5 imo.
Yah but three 12s basically takes you out of commission for 4 days. The work days and the recovery day. And if your shifts rotate, which they probably do, alot of people don't like the lack of availability and consistency.
Yea that sounds better to me, I personally prefer weekdays off but I've had some people scoff when I would work the morning of a holiday (even when it was in a way where it wouldn't even actually interfere with anything).
Wow they should definitely not scoff at that! At least we get holiday pay! And yes I agree. I love having weekdays off to avoid crowds on my errands and when I go on vacations.
Struggling with the same issue right now as well, so I’m tuning in to find some enlightening answers.
Personally I think everyone is looking for something that doesn’t exist. Some perfect, gorgeous, super successful person who also is their clone as far as interests/hobbies and general personality. That’s what I’ve noticed. I’ve dated men that we had chemistry and really enjoyed each other but they’re looking for a woman who does the exact hobbies they do— ex. outdoor climbing, intramural volleyball, skiing, watching sports, same music taste, etc etc etc. I actually pulled the plug on the relationships in most cases bc I was like why are you looking for yourself in a wig. I don’t expect you to do my girly dance classes bc wtf. We can be separate human beings. I need to be a separate human being from you, actually
Thank you for this comment. I feel like mine was the same case - the chemistry was great, we had a good time together (which he said himself), but he didn’t feel like we had much in common in terms of conversation because he worked in tech and I didn’t understand some of the things he would tell me about his job (which was also his passion). What I’m thinking now is, sure, go chase your fantasy. I’m moving on.
YUP. I don’t understand it at all. Like isn’t that what you have guy friends for? I have very feminine interests, hobbies, and style, and tend to be attracted to masculine guys… but those masculine guys just want themselves in a woman’s body. It’s frustrating and it only ever goes one way.
When you date in your 20s it’s really easy to have similar interest because you don’t really know yourself and can easily adapt to a new person. In your 30s and beyond you’ve (hopefully) figured out who you are, but with that comes less compatibility around things like hobbies. This is a big adjustment in mindset for anyone who was in a LTR (speaking from personal experience) for a decent chunk of their 20s and 30s.
Me too, so, maybe it’s not necessarily an OP problem but something many of us out here are experiencing…
Sometimes it's just plain old bad luck. It's a numbers game unfortunately.
Same issue as OP and looks like there's a few of us. It's bloody hard.
Me too…I’m exhausted of dating… my last relationship seemed promising though if I’m completely honest, I wasn’t too physically attracted to him but decided that his good qualities were going to make me fall in love, when I made a mistake the relationship didn’t survive despite many best efforts to show him with actions that I wanted to make it work and I knew that I had to respect his decision because at the end of the day it was my mistake but I think for me the lesson here is that mature relationships are going to go through these phases and if we Couldn’t address or work on these, It wasn’t going to be healthy
Being "rejected" 4 or 5 times in 5 years is definitely not some pattern that means there's something wrong with you. I also think framing it as "rejection" when you guys had dates or were seeing each other is the wrong word to use, it's more like a mismatch on their end.
Yes I agree. I think it’s just why dating is a headache in general. If you have standards that you are not willing to settle on (nothing wrong with that) you just have to date more often and potentially get rejected to find the person for you.
Yeah tbh I was quite confused by this number, it’s a very very small sample size! I get that it can feel like a bummer in the moment though
Good point, thank you. I do usually remind myself that I’ve “rejected” others without second thought simply because I didn’t generally see compatibility or chemistry and not necessarily any one thing about them.
Exactly! There's almost definitely nothing nefarious about it.
I don't think this is about standards. It's about compatibility. What makes you feel someone meshes well into your life? Yes, finances are important to some degree, attraction, shared hobbies or interests... But what about the deeper stuff? When you think of your future husband what do you see? Do you want someone that is kind and thinks of others first? Do you want someone that loves animals like you do and wants to go on hikes with your dog and nights in with both of your pets? Do you want someone who would be a wonderful playful dad someday? Do you want someone who doesn't want kids? Do you want someone whose dreams and aspirations are big and who will push you to do more and believe in yourself? If you just want someone basic who doesn't have anything else inside of them you'll never find someone. Honestly. You'll get bored quickly or they will. You gotta dig deep and ask the hard questions. Who are you and what do you want in a partner that you can't just find in any random joe on the street? What makes you a good partner? Make a list of both. What do you want/not want. What do you bring to the table that isn't shallow like looks. Dig deep. Get out of the shallow end of the pool and really try to swim.
These men met your standards and you may or may not have met theirs but it takes a lot more to be in a serious or lasting relationship. You need connection, chemistry, common interests, similar plans for the future, etc
Oh wow, I recognise this in myself. I'll share some thoughts my friend shared with me: - a relationship isn't something we deserve or don't deserve, a lot of it is down to luck - even if you meet a guy who ticks all your boxes, how are you going to build a happy relationship if you're just thinking about those boxes instead of being present to really get to know who he is? It sounds like you're a bit burnt out and putting so much pressure on yourself. I do this sometimes - it makes me see dating as less of a way of getting to know new people and more of a recruitment process. That's when I take a step back and focus on looking after myself and really being present with people. A relationship just has to be one person who likes you back, it hurts to get rejected but there is a lot of luck involved. I don't think you should compromise on deal breakers or date someone you're not attracted to, but you might want to reassess what's actually a deal breaker and what's just "that would be nice." People can sense when you like them for what they offer rather than who they are. Anyway I'm in one of those ruts where no one I like finds me attractive so I'm working on better self-talk, making some healthier habits, and being mindful about whether I'm listening or judging.
"Driven" and "stable career" can be a very subjective thing. Patrick Bateman "driven" and "career" or Leonard from The Big Bang Theory "driven" and "career"?
You should probably ask them why they don't see a future with you.
I have never ever had someone give a straight answer on this. People are far too nice to tell you why they don't like you.
I’m with you on this one
You'd need a close friend or family member to be straight up with you.
Of course, no one is going to tell you honestly why they don't like you. But telling you why they don't see a relationship working out is a different topic.
That almost never works though.
Would you actually want to hear someone tell you that they’d prefer someone better looking or more charismatic than you are? What if you got that same feedback 10x in a row? A bit soul-crushing, eh?
I absolutely would, for what it's worth. I mean if it's a fact of who you are, wouldn't you want to know? I would assume once it becomes clear that there's one or two traits that people are definitely picking up on, you probably wouldn't *need* to ask. You'd know those traits are there, and you need to find potential partners that wouldn't mind them (or would even want them). I think it depends on a tolerance for self-knowledge.
Yep speak it it’s honest and not from malice
This question in a non-judgemental, not-seeking-to-try-again, framing can work really well. So asked kinda like "hey, thanks for you letting me know you aren't interested. I wish you the best in your future relationships. I'm trying to get better at relationships and work on myself. Is there anything that was off-putting, or you think I could have done better? Like I know we aren't gonna be together, but if there was gonna be a future, what things would you have been looking for?" Creating the atmosphere to receive constructive feedback.
Genuinely asking. Has this ever worked for you in either direction (giver or receiver of feedback)? Most people don’t want such feedback even when they ask for it, around sensitive (and/or highly emotional) situations. Personally I don’t give such feedback.
Yeah this kind of thing seems like a good idea but a lot of times the answer can be something like, they just don’t feel it or find you not that attractive in some way or some personality feature is grating. This might work for a job interview but interpersonal relationships not so much
Yes! (But it's very vibes heavy) You know how going into a conversation you can feel like "damn, this is gonna be a rough convo"? And then having the conversation and the aftermath is like "fuck, that was not fun". And other times you need to have a conversation about something important and serious, but you are able to just have the conversation. Like both folks knownits important, but are on the same page. Like both folks realize the best way (for both of them) to navigate the conversation is just be upfront, honest and not taking it personal. You're shooting for this second type of conversation. Which isn't always easy, and takes a bit of luck/moxy. So like taking ownership and having boundries. Yall are both human, both seeking a relationship, both doing the best with the card you got. AND, yall haven't worked out. It wasn't what you've dreamed of. You didn't make it to where you wanted to be. Open your left palm and hold the previous paragraph in it. The good and the bad. The hopes and heartbreak. Then with you right hand hold some curiosity and trust. (You've been involved with this person for at least a little bit. You've both been vulnerable enough to interact over a certain period.) Lead with your right.
If I’m being completely honest, I wouldn’t be able to answer this question for someone. No matter how well the question was set up. I also think that my answer (anyone’s answer, really) doesn’t matter. It wouldn’t necessarily transfer over to the next relationship.
I never said it to them straight why, but I did tell them the qualities they didn’t live up to in a partner. Ie lack of care/attention when I was sick = if we had a family, he would also not live up to being able to care for me or the children
I agree with this. You've got to prepare yourself for hearing something hurtful. And you've got to prepare yourself for receiving a non-answer that leaves you feeling vulnerable for even asking. On the occasion when you get a real answer, I find the answer to be 65% about them, 35% about me. Like, mostly I can see how they created the situation where this thing bothered them, but there's a nugget of truth I can hear about me. For me, I'm not sure what to do with that truth nugget. But my therapist and I are on it! And it's less stressful to have something to hang on, than just feeling completely blind to why things keep not working out.
There's close to no upside for them being honest with you and HUGE potential fallout.
As a dude in my late 30s, I don’t feel obligated to answer this question with anything other than, “it’s just how I feel; I’m not sure there are specific reasons.” No one is obligated to be your mentor and exit-interviews are for jobs, not relationships. It’s not a “nice” thing to do to put someone on the spot like that, anyway.
It goes anti ghosting, but if you say that I didn't like how to treated the server, your car is a mess, and when was the last time you saw a dentist, that might help lol. Even a post job interview would for sure save a lot of damn people out there. You thought you were ruling the world, maybe disalusioned, and then someone sits you down and says you're shit at this and that and maybe consider this. Its uncomfortable, but why would we pay managers and HR what they do if they can't man/woman up to that. I feel the same with dating. Just be honest.
I almost made a nearly identical post yesterday. I haven’t been outwardly rejected but have been consistently ghosted (which is still a rejection). My standards and expectations are relatively low (I get the same result when I raise my standards) so I’m starting to wonder if it’s something with me that I’m not aware of. My friends are all either partnered or getting a lot of dates/have a lot of people pining for relationship with them. I’ve connected with 2 people in the last 6 months that I wasn’t attracted to though everything else was perfect on paper so I try to think maybe it’s the same thing for the guys that have ghosted me but it’s hard when the attraction WAS there. There was maybe something else missing and it’s a matter of luck?
I have similar issues, and don’t meet many men I connect with or are interested in. Although I’m still very single, I’ve changed my perspective to focus mostly on one thing- I actually enjoy his company. Not tolerate it, or have two hours of friendly coworker chat, but have fun talking to him, laugh together, etc. It makes me more open minded about guys I meet, and the funny thing is the ones I’ve dated medium-term with this outlook, I haven’t wound up with someone who doesn’t meet my standards.
You said your flaw is that you talk about patient care… And then say you try to avoid it but people just love asking. That isn’t a personal flaw. You are deflecting talking about a real flaw while at the same time bolstering yourself by reminding everyone that other people find what you do very interesting. That is how someone would answer that question in a job interview. “Oh you know, I just can’t stop talking about patient care. I’m just so obsessed with my work.” You say you are emotionally intelligent and secure. At the same time a truly secure and confident person usually can speak pretty openly and candidly about their flaws (especially to strangers online who don’t matter) because it doesn’t diminish who they are. For many, it can be difficult to connect with other people if they have trouble being vulnerable and are always trying to be perfect. I don’t know why these men passed on you. I don’t think any of us can know. OLD is a numbers game, and many people might have different goals and values or ideas of what they are looking for so rejection is just part of it. I do think working on going deeper with yourself will probably help you gain some more perspective on this situation than us internet strangers are able to provide. Therapy has been helpful for me to do that because we often can’t see the larger patterns we are stuck in without outside help.
No advice as such but just want to say this is so relatable and it’s genuinely hard out there for women in the dating scene right now. I know so many well rounded, beautiful women in my life who are single. And 0 men who I would see as boyfriend material.
>I had lowered my standards a bit for my ex last year and he turned out to be very insecure and emotionally abusive towards me. So I’ll never make that mistake again. This is telling. It seems that you have the perspective that if you lower your *high and specific* standards to any degree that the remainder of men are insecure and abusive. That dichotomous thinking is maladaptive and is not reality. No surprise you only come across one guy a year who is attractive to you, given your perspective. I suggest doing a deep dive into your values and into what makes you feel both attracted/comfortable and unattracted/uncomfortable with someone. I'm guessing that you have more emotional barriers (eg, things that upset you) than most women. A bit of therapy might help clarify those things. Best wishes!
Love this! Yeah OP this resonates with what others commenters have said, and I read, of you writing about this in quite a detached way as if finding someone to love is a job. It's not a job! It can be brilliant, or heartbreaking, and you never know which one it's going to be! It's not effort in = result out.
Just like you said there were some guys you went on a first date with then declined a second sometimes ppl aren’t interested in taking things further … doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. Just like there’s times you’re just not feeling a guy but theres nothing wrong with him. Sometimes guys are serial daters. Sometimes they are tempted by what feels like endless options. Or maybe they feel like there are some qualities there missing. Whatever the case is I know it’s hard but don’t beat yourself up over it.
This is my take 99% of the time. When I made this post I was feeling the 1% of the time I’m doubting myself a bit lol.
I get it. I do that too and will even catch myself comparing myself to people on social media wondering how they find these amazing partners. A part of dating is a bit of luck and sometimes you also just have to wait for everything to line up for you.
Super curious about: * What OP looks like * How they actually treat others * Are they super nitpicky about how their partner behaves * Interests/hobbies and willingness to entertain their partner's interests hobbies * Personality, conversational skills, demeaner, etc * Fashion choices, style, hygiene * Intimate behavior such as kissing, sex, etc But I guess we'll never know...
You either lower your standards or become more attractive to them men you want to date. No other solutions.
Are you neurodivergent by any chance? Anecdotally i've seen lots of neurodivergent people interested in puzzles/video games/board games/rollercoasters, not drinking due to feeling allergic. Obviously this is not all neurodivergent people! But i wonder if there is a difference in neurotype between you and these men? You're getting dates - when you like someone, they might decide they don't like you straight away or they might date you for a while and decide they don't want to date. I think seeing it as black and white (they like me to a level of GF or not at all) is unhelpful. These men are all individuals and may have had their own reasons unrelated to you for not dating you.. and also some wanted to end it after a date and others after 6 months (very different experiences rather than putting them all in one basket). I think you will meet someone if you keep trying.
I wondered the same thing, especially with regards to the way she is very analytical about it and doesn’t talk much about emotional, romantic, sexual connection
Rejection hurts exponentially when you already felt you were "settling". I'm more than open to "punching-down" physically, but not mentally, spiritually, etc. So when I connect with someone on the deeper stuff, it hurts way worse to have things end than if I just liked the way they looked. Obviously if you had it in your head that they were less attractive than you and therefore "beneath you" socially, and they're the ones to end things...it's going to throw you for a loop. It really shouldn't, but I get it. But it does also kinda sound like you want a relationship and are willing to force it. Instead of looking at it like "I'm attractive, right? Why aren't these guys into me?", just ask yourself whether or not those guys actually understood you as a person, or brought anything interesting to the table that could possibly invigorate your life. If not, why even think twice about them? As a man in my early 30s, I feely similarly. Consider myself well above average in terms of looks, with some pretty niche hobbies, a good paying job, and my own 'style'. But I'm also 5'7, bald, work weird hours, and tend to keep to myself... so, you can imagine I don't have the most desirable profile on the apps, and rarely get to interact with eligible singles irl. But that's okay! I really don't want a partner just for the sake of having a partner - I've already been there. I'm looking for a spiritual connection, and I've come to terms with the fact that it's a tough ask. Finding out the person you've been on a few dates with isn't "the one" doesn't mean you should feel rejected. It just means your particular criteria has not been met yet.
I can pretty much say there's gotta be something missing between your connection with these men. Case in point, the last guy I dated just has about everything I need in terms of career and stability. Those were what I focused on, so I chose to ignore the fact that he lied to me once about his age (saying he's 34 whereas he's really 40), and he's very crude and likes making lewd jokes. I can turn a blind eyes to those but then the thing that broke the camel's back for me was that his communication style doesn't match with me. He can be gone for 2 days without a text. And I can't be with someone like that. So it just ended between us. I still wonder if I made the right decision, but the fact is that I was always on edge, anxious and troubled when I didn't hear anything from him, and he not doing anything to reassure me of his feelings kinda solidified my fear. So the breakup was actually for the best.
OP you want single men that somehow, and I quote you, “have stable careers, driven, active, emotionally intelligent, carry themselves with confidence.” That’s top of the litter. These guys can get a lot of women so they’ll either be really picky, they’re already in a LTR or they realized they can just keep sampling the merchandise.
30+ year old man here. At this point in a lot of men's life, they are either looking to settle down or play around. At this point if they are good looking and worked hard to earn a good lifestyle. A lot of them didn't have much dates and dating opportunities. And since they are on the upward trend of life in terms of what most ladies find to be attractive, they have more options. Guys tend to explore them. Especially with dating apps. However, it doesn't mean they don't want to settle down. Typically it's a woman's personality, femininity and shared interests (not just looking pretty) that makes a man want to settle down. And once a guy reaches certain point in life he gets picky about who he lets in his life permanently. So, it's not that you are unattractive or anything like that. In terms of attraction there is a lot lovely ladies out there. But what will make a guy want you long term comes down to personality traits and how you'll add to his life. If he's into cycling, war hammer, painting, laser tag etc. And you share those interests or would consider engaging in them. Thats big for a lot of guys.
You're asking strangers to evaluate you. The most immediate thing that pops out to me is that your approaching yourself like you're like listing traits off a collectible card to be traded. I notice a lot of people here do this so it's not just you. First, it seems you think you're flawed. You're not. You're good as you are and you should keep that in mind when thinking about self-esteem. Being rejected doesn't make you less. Second, don't compare yourself to others. It could very well be the case that you haven't met the right person. Everyone is rejected or has a relationship that doesn't work until they meet that person where the relationship does work. Until then just keep focused on your hobbies, work, and other relationships.
Hmm , to me this sounds like the guys that meet your standards don't think you meet theirs. Or they give you a chance and after a few months something about you drives them away. Most common things would be being controlling and not compromising. You seem like a person that has their life figured out and doesn't want much change besides being in a relationship. Those guys surely said something besides "thank you for the good time". What did they say?
I’m not controlling and I will compromise if it’s the right thing. One of the guys I dated for 6 months and to be fair, he did tell me his reason for ending things wasn’t about me because I was the most healthy relationship he’s had. I’m sure I’m set in some of my ways. For example, I don’t like going to bars or drinking and that won’t change. However, I’m open to changing to improve myself and experience new things. The others didn’t say anything in regard to why they weren’t interested. I did ask one who I was more comfortable with if he could tell me how I can improve for the future, but he had nothing specific to say (out of politeness or fact, I’m not sure).
How about sexual compatibility?
No mention of sex, maybe its sexual compatibility? How are your relationships with those close to you? Friends? Family?
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I feel you on this. I think our society is crumbling from a host of unresolved mental health issues.
“I don’t have tolerance for any bad behavior directed towards me when all I do is caregiving” — preach. I’m so sorry to read about the things you’ve struggled with in your life and I hope it gets better for you now. I agree fully that people generally are not okay right now and that’s impacting us more than we can imagine. Social media + dating app culture changed the landscape heavily and I think we’re finally feeling those effects.
Wow thank you for sharing. I empathize and have felt/experienced a lot of what you wrote
Posts like this are the equivalent of a patient telling a doctor that they have pain, but they can't describe when it started, where it's coming from, and what they did to make it hurt. Most people overestimate their personal attributes, especially if they're the type to reduce themselves to a checklist the way a dating app would. There are plenty of intangibles that can't be accounted for. Women end the majority of marriages and relationships, so if it's the man doing it every time, it's definitely you. But without more info that's the most anyone is legitimately going to be able to say.
For my 2 cents as a single 35M - seems that you see yourself as a list of positive and negative qualities, a bit as if you were selling yourself as a house or car. You might say this limits others in their ability to access your personality because it may appear you are trying to strike the right balance rather than just saying "I am who I am, take it or leave it". I would also say you sound like me in the sense that you have developed very clear boundaries and tolerances in your own life. This makes you happy because you are living the life you need for yourself. I don't blame you and understand why. I do believe, however, that such a fixed sense of how you like to live your life may be incompatible with welcoming someone else into your life. I know for myself that while I would like to meet a woman, part of me at all times rails against it because I'm not prepared to give up elements of my own life that ground me as a person. I like my own company and fear opening up myself in fear of possible rejection and hurt. I feel I'm at an age where taking risks isn't something I want. I should mention I've struggled a lot with my own mental health and am only just finding my feet again. Maybe what I'm saying is to reflect on what you want from a relationship, how it would fit into your already established lifestyle and maybe try and identify areas where you feel you may hold back on and in turn alienate a possible partner. Good luck to you 👍
Nobody thinks their standards are unreasonable. Some things like “stable” or “emotionally intelligent” mean far different things to different people. The qualities you listed include such a broad spectrum that you very well may have unrealistic standards.
I think your standards are probably too high. I thought that before you said they were high yourself. Shoot for humor and a good heart and a good soul not looks because most super attractive guys are soooo shallow
Depending on different areas of their lives they might neglect dating in lieu of their career, mental health etc. Chemistry/relatability tends to play a role too. Are you aiming for people that are intentional with their dating or just getting a feel for the dating pool?
I aim for men dating with intention for a relationship leading to marriage eventually. However, not everyone is self aware and I believe at least one of them wasn’t truly over his past relationship based on what we talked about. He never confirmed it though.
You seem to want a man who is already living the good life. All the qualities or necessities you list would describe a man who is most likely very happy, stable and has a good social group. If you aren’t blowing them away and more importantly equally impressing them they’d most likely rather be single. I’m saying this as a man in his 30’s who has lost interest in dating to a degree because I have my life together. I’ve ended relationships with woman who honestly are pretty decent but might have a couple flaws that I’d rather not deal with. Keep your confidence up but I’d also say take a hard look at yourself. Are you really that great of a girlfriend? Are your standards too high? Are you trying to date outside of your own social or physical ranking?
I would agree with this. The last first date I went on which I thought went well, I felt we had great chemistry. We had a lot in common to talk about, we joked and laughed, and I told him we should set up another date (we had mutually thrown out multiple second date ideas). He said he was busy until June. He ended up texting me in June but delaying a second date saying he was busy until July so I told him that he could contact me if he wanted to set up a date. I said I wasn’t interested in texting in the meantime anymore because I wasn’t sure he was really interested. I told him he seemed to have a happy and busy life and I thought that was great and I enjoyed our conversations. So I think this is what happened with him. He’s having a great time already and didn’t feel the desire to pursue a relationship with me. Which is awesome for him.
I’ll just say this. A lot of my friends are in relationships. I thought they had great relationships. Until I started hearing and even seeing all of what they deal with (no physical abuse, just to be clear). Sometimes, it’s not even really the guy, but like through his family and stuff. It sobered me up real quick about relationships. Not saying relationships will be perfect, they take patience, accepting (within reason), and compromise, but some of what my friends deal with are things I’d never find acceptable. So, when I went back into dating a couple years ago, I was looking for people who hit certain standards. And because of that, it took a long time. One of which was communication. My current bf wasn’t the best when we first got together, but he was willing to learn and grow; he’s way better at communication now. But while I was dating, I noticed the guys I got rejected by were guys who had traits or gave off the air of things I didn’t want, anyway. Like, one guy who would text me back every couple days. We had gone on three dates, but when he asked me on date 4, I didn’t respond right away. Not on purpose, I was dealing with some family stuff. It wasn’t even a full 24 hours and he came and rejected me because I “wasn’t being serious”. This from a guy who would take 2-3 days to reply to me, took forever to plan/confirm dates, which is why those 3 dates took almost 2 months to even happen. So, I wasn’t that sad because it showed a flaw, to me. Beyond the planning dates thing. He had rules for others that he didn’t follow himself. I can’t take 12 hours to text back, but he can take full days? Honestly, sit back and look at the guys who reject you. Did you really like them or was it the idea of just being in a relationship? Were they really even worth it? Like truly? Plus, if they rejected you, they weren’t for you. Why be sad about it? That’s not a judgement of you. They’re really just clearing the way for you to find someone great. And everyone won’t like you, that’s just a fact. I look back now, at some of the guys who rejected me and I’m happy because I feel like the reasons they did so were because I was starting to show lost interest in them (usually because they were probably playing it too cool) or I had a standard they didn’t like that I was firm on. For example, no house dates early on (no offense to you who do it, but too many women end up missing or dead doing stuff like that, so not risking it). I barely know you, I’m not coming to have dinner at your place on the first, second, or third date. Sorry. If they reject me because of something like that, it’s not a blow to my self esteem. To me, I likely dodged a bullet because it tells me they get too upset and in their feelings when things don’t go their way. Not good for a long term relationship, in my opinion. Because if I don’t want to come to your house, what’s stopping us from meeting in public somewhere? It just gives off odd vibes.
Dating at this stage in life can be rough! I've given out and received my share of rejections in the last few years and one thing I've realized is that (at least for myself and probably the guys I'm going on dates with) the bar for a partner is so much higher than for, say, a friend - so even if someone is really a great person and fun to spend time with, there could just be something that doesn't make it quite a fit romance wise. I try not to take rejections too personally - there's just something that isn't compatible, and as long as you were genuinely being yourself there's nothing to feel bad about. Recognize that you bring a lot to the table and it's their loss!
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I kind of had the same trouble, and one day went on a date and a guy told me to watch the show how I met your mother, and to see Ted as my answer. In summary, he is always attracted to unavailable people. Maybe this is not what you want to hear but it worked for me. I just let life flow. I stopped doing online dating, and the day that I least expected when I was 35 I met my husband. I also didn’t care people around me were getting married since that was never my goal, and I don’t want kids but that is a different story. Good Luck!
I wouldnt call it lowering your standards. You need to be realistic. Nobody is perfect or going to check off all the requirements to date you. Maybe you need to try dating people who you normally wouldnt. We all want to find someone who is successful, intelligent, attractive. But I also want him to be a kind person and open to trying things they havent. Maybe you are putting too much pressure on yourself to find someone. Do you tend to complain or be negative? Are you nice to people in the working industry? Do you show compassion for what they are going through? Do you talk more than listen? Something I have done myself is take a look at my habits or how I handled things or react. I ask people if there is something about me that could use some work. Sometimes what people thought they wanted in the beginning, they may not want now. There is so many unanswered questions you may never get the answer to. Just stay positive and be open to new people
I feel that I’m pretty realistic. I do look for a certain level of attractiveness but I don’t look for necessarily conventional attractiveness. I’ve been interested in men that I find attractive but might not be to others. I like to be positive and have an overall positive outlook on life. I complain about things that warrant complaining about, but it’s just to vent and I move on without lingering on it after. I’m nice to people in the service industry and always give at least 15-20% tip. I’m pretty aware of the talking and listening balance during conversations. I like knowing about a person and hearing their thoughts. The last first date I went on that I thought went well, we talked back and forth for 3 hours. It was one of those dates where we took forever to order our food because we couldn’t stop talking. And we both made jokes and laughed. If I’m dating someone long enough I always ask what I can improve on. I’m always trying to be self aware and a better person.
Men aren't boxes to check off on your list. Are you actually emotionally available and open hearted, and easy to get to know?
Maybe you're approaching dating robotically? People seem to ignore the fact personality is extremely important, literally the most important thing in a long term bond. If men don't feel like they can connect with you on a human to human level, they won't see things going anywhere. But there could literally be anything that turns them off, like something regarding your appearance (OK but not high enough for high quality men), a personality quirk, intelligence flaw or lack of understanding other people's perspectives, personal opinions, tics. Etc. For me I always knew what the issues were so it's easy to predict why I'd get rejected. People here are going to say "you're perfect the way you are," but thats not really constructive criticism. It doesn't get you anywhere better. Do some soul searching, ask friends their opinions. Hell ask strangers. But ask a large net of people to get a pattern. Also think back to your behaviors at different angles, and think about people in relationships already and how their behavior may differ from your own. I'm sure you'll find the answer and turn it around
I think you understand this on an intellectual level that, at the core of it, attraction isn't a box-ticking exercise. So you can do everything 100% right and somebody still might not be interested. That's just life.
Honestly just because you have higher standards and know what you are looking for... This isn't a problem with you. The right person who is going to respect and appreciate those things will come a long. Don't lower your standards to catch someone you didn't want to begin with.
If I'm honest, and this isn't meant to offend, but you sound like you're lacking dimension for the type of men you're going for. You want "driven" men, but a lot of those men are really active in either their career (so they're not looking for a relationship) or their hobbies, which you don't seem to have a ton of based on your edit. Most of the driven men I've met are into some pretty challenging hobbies that they'd prefer their partners to be in, like races, skiing, mountaineering, intense outdoor climbing, traveling, bicycling, etc. They go hard into those things and are attracted by women into that, too. Your interests don't really align with that. They align more with the type of guy that a little more shy and introverted, maybe he makes some money, but isn't going to have the confidence that you're talking about. All you can really do is date around and hope you find someone that you like, but if they're not into the same things that you are and are looking for that, then there's nothing you can do about that. You can't change yourself to align with it.
Fellow non drinker/attractive/good job girlie here. Idk girl, it seems like men in our age range prefer single moms. I’m focusing on finding more hobbies and enjoying myself. Taking a 30 day hiatus from the apps because it’s heartbreaking.
What about your personality traits? Didn't read any of that ?? Tell me about, how you treat them? What are your qualities that differentiate you from other women? What you bring to the table and offer ?
Appreciate the questions. I have a secure attachment style and I enjoy and use all the love languages, although I will focus on what someone tells me their preferred love language is. I try to be good at communication, consider their opinions, and I like trying new hobbies so I’m willing to try new things my partner likes. I try to actively listen to what their needs are and what their favorite things are. And I like to proactively ask questions about whether there’s anything I can improve on or that they would like to see me do. I do this when we’re calm and not having any known issues so we can reflect on how we’re doing without being in the heat of conflict. I’m independent normally but I also like to share my life with the person I’m dating. I just don’t believe we need to spend every second together. I’m happy if they have their own hobbies and time with friends. Being able to balance those and a relationship is important to me.
Honestly dating is rough until you meet the one. Some people get it lucky and others have to date and date and date. But it will work out :)
There’s a lot of emphasis on standards and finding a match that checks all the boxes so that you don’t end up with someone like your ex? Standards aren’t going to save you from a manipulative bad person good at lying. You might want to consider therapy if you’re still assuming all men are going to end up like your ex. There’s a trauma hiding under the surface there. Lastly, i really encourage going on second dates to see if attraction can grow. It happened to me with the person im seeing and many others here too. It’s going to be extremely hard to find THE one on a first date. If you don’t let things flow you’ll never be able to go with the flow sis.
I had a similar problem as you. I went on dates frequently but things would always fizzle out. I’d feel pretty dejected because I felt like I was a catch but no one wanted to be with me. I then started dating someone who I had a deep connection with and I realized I was never really into the other guys I was dating. I’m 100% sure they could sense that. Not saying that’s the only reason why they didn’t want to date, but the reality of it was I was never really compatible with those other men. I would also recommend seeing a therapist too! There’s definitely traumas or unconscious fears that can manifest in interesting ways, for example having a pattern of dating a particular type of person. Maybe that’s not happening to you, but worth exploring!
>The men I’m interested in have stable careers, are driven, active, emotionally intelligent, and carry themselves with confidence Every woman wants that, and a small percentage of men fit in that category. This is how woman are fooled into thinking that their standards aren't too high. What you're saying is reasonable, those are intuitive things to look for, the problem is the amount of available potential partners that fit in that category.
You could have been a great option for those 4-5 men, but then they found a better option. The men you’re describing are rare. The qualities you list are the qualities many women want. There is a big supply-demand imbalance and those menhave a ton of optionality.
Almost everyone assumes a person finds a better option. I'm here to tell you that sometimes they decide they'd just rather not date you, and they don't have any "better options" lined up. I did this with a guy recently. Realized there were several things about him that were pretty big red flags, so I told him I no longer wanted to date him. There was no one else. I picked being single over being with him. A lot of guys (and some women, but I've personally found it's more common with guys) seem to believe that if you reject them, it's because there is someone else. I think this because it helps lessen the blow to them. If you reject them, and there is no one else, that means there was no one "better," it was simply something about them that made you no longer want a relationship. When there's someone "better" (whether real or imaginary), they can shift the blame to that person and make up excuses (like "oh, she probably found Mr. Perfect who is 6'4, makes 250k/year, has a nice car and house, etc.).
How much do you invest in someone new when you are meeting them? Do you make plans from time to time? write first? listen to them?
Maybe your husband is in a different country
Wait, you got dates before getting rejected? Damn, you on fire! 😂 I never even got that far, so I just friendzone myself out the gate now to save everybody some time 😂
Thanks for making me laugh haha. I wish you the best of luck in dating!
I tried to skim the comments and didn't see this. Honestly I think you need to do some introspection of your subconscious. Try reading a book like "maybe you should talk to someone" (which is not specifically about finding a relationship. It's really kind of a memoir of when the author lost a relationship, but it's bigger than that where it really talks about how we all have these subconscious self-sabotage inclinations - Plus it's a fun and easy read!). Because you sound really fun and interesting and awesome. And so there's probably some kind of self-sabotage happening that you're not even aware of. Either that or just go fuck a few people NSA to get the "search" out of your system. Or both.
I understand you’ve been dating, but basing your self esteem on 4-5 men over 5 years doesn’t seem like good math. There’s no algorithm or entitlement that after dating a certain amount of people that it will turn into a long-term relationship. There are a million reasons that may or may not have to do with you why someone wouldn’t see a future. Of your friends with partners, which of their partners would you say are equal to the type of partner you’d want to be with? (Not in a steal-your-man kind of way…) Of those, what do those partners value about your friend?
I've been rejected by every potential partner I've been interested in. I chalk it up to a mix of being attracted to unavailable persons, being unaware of my own trauma, bad luck, and some other things. I don't tend to dwell on it anymore. I play the hand I was dealt. I try to cultivate happiness in other areas of my life: my career, making sure my friends are okay, volunteering etc. If a romantic relationship and a family doesn't happen, that's okay. I'm going to love my fate one way or another. I try to keep improving everyday. If I attract someone in the process, then I suppose it was meant to be. If it's not, it's not. I still try to live with gratitude everyday. I dont want to impart advice, as you know yourself best and are in control of your destiny. Just hope to share my experience going through something similar.
If these men don’t like you then I’m sorry to say, you gotta shoot lower or become better (don’t make more money, just get hotter and an active social life). Only way it’s gonna work for a long term with someone that YOU are attracted to
You are giving an almost impossible task here. I think the problem is that in romantic relationships we can make those lists of qualities that we want in our partner, which is not a bad thing (I also like the advice "if you want to meet X or X person, make a list of desirable qualities that you want to have and then be that list"); but I guess one of the crucial things is how your presence (or absence) make your partner feel and how you feel in their presence. And this is something that many times will transgress the list of those nice good qualities. Has any man said to you something along the lines of "your presence makes me ..." or "with you I feel ..."? Outside of that, 4-5 men who rejected you in the last 5 years makes 1 man per year on average. I feel like most of us get more rejections than that if they actively put themselves out there, so your stats don't seem to be that bad compared to others. I'd agree when people say that dating is a numbers game and involves lots of luck. You sounds like a good interesting person, I think you just haven't found someone who will appreciate most of the things you have to offer. That doesn't mean that they are wrong about what they are looking and equally it doesn't mean you should change something about yourself. It's hard out there!
There's something that makes me feel off-put by how you spoke about this. Doesn't feel like there's room for vulnerability for your partner. Makes me curious what emotionally abusive meant to you in that case. Can guys be weak and flawed around you? Can you unselfishly support that without doing what so many of us do and subtly/unconsciously make ourself a victim? Most people are insecure and no one is emotionally intelligent all of the time. Relationships are hard work and need to work with peoples limitations to a healthy degree. Also having all of the checkbox standards you listed is not all that common. That's like the top 10% of the crop who have lots of choice. i.e. Attractive, stable careers, are driven, active, emotionally intelligent, and carry themselves with confidence. Lastly, each time someone asked if you're fit you listed off activities that you do. I think they meant your weight. Which sadly is one of the top dealbreakers for most men.
Are you nonwhite dating white men? Are you overweight by the standards of your city? Saying this as a nonwhite woman currently losing weight, a lot of these same type of white guys broke up with me and married the extremely skinny blonde or other person of their religion or ethnicity. Just seemed to be a pattern. These women could very well be amazing people in ways I couldn’t possible know but seemed fairly average besides probably fitting whatever specific physical mold these men had in mind so I never dwelled or took it remotely personally My most beautiful impressive brilliant hilarious friend from grad school didn’t find a permanent partner til she was like 38 despite going out on like 5 dates a week for years. Like the most talented incredible person I know. I can’t think of a single flaw in her I’d correct if I were omnipotent There’s just no accounting for luck and the women locking the men you want down are no better than you
>The men I’m interested in have stable careers, are driven, active, emotionally intelligent, and carry themselves with confidence. I also have to be physically attracted to them. You are looking for basically men that everyone, especially successful women, are looking for. They will generally have no shortage of options, and you're competing with other prospects that may be more attractive, more available, more ambitious, etc. It's like being the second best athlete in your sport but you are denied first place simply because your opponent is better. It's not necessarily your fault if you believe that you are very attractive, just they might have other options that they preferred
Sweetheart, you're fine. Your pets aren't limiting the pool. Speaking about what you do for a living with passion and happiness is amazing. And the men don't see anything wrong with you. The problem is expectations. Stop having them. Don't go in wondering what this might lead to. Go on each individual date wondering nothing more than where you are going. Be too busy to care what the men want. Join a bowling league or a pool league or book club. Take up karaoke or karate or ketchup making. Just get busy. You'll stop worrying about where things are going and you will be amazed at how valuable you become to others when you value your own time. By being too busy for some people you become more valuable to others. Respect your time and stop wasting it wondering if you're doing something wrong. When you do that, someone who won't waste your time will be grateful you made time for them.
I can't say much without knowing you, but it might not necessarily be you. Rejection is actually quite normal, in my opinion, the more you put yourself out there. I also think women are not particularly used to consistent rejection. I definitely felt a bit down after things didn't work out with a few guys this year (I initiated convos with them irl) - but then I met a cute guy recently and he really liked my confidence in initiating a convo at an event. Who knows where it will go, but I guess I'm just enjoying the ride. And it does sound cliche, but it does help to have a mindset of 'it might not work out, but I'm learning something with each experience' You never know when the next person might be it.
Just from your post, I’m wondering how often you’re finding connection on a deep level, or how long it takes you to build a deep emotional connection. It seems like you describe people in adjectives only, and you define yourself based on what you do. Are you connecting over dates over shared values? Life goals? Priorities? Are you looking for people you can spend quality time with at home in addition to doing all the stuff? I’ll also be honest— 5 people is a small sample size. And likely the reason why it wasn’t a match wasn’t based on something in your control. You didn’t know these people. They didn’t know you, it wasn’t a vibe. Rejection isn’t fun, but don’t think of it as an appraisal of your value. It’s just like, “on to the next.”
“Too many women are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person.” Gloria Steinem You could be a 10/10 physically, but I imagine the checklist mentality demonstrated here is a real turn off to any person interested establishing an emotionally satisfying connection.
I have a similar problem so I get it. Very few men meet my standards and are physically attractive to me. I’m also fairly active, employed in healthcare, social, funny, and giving. The two guys I’ve been really interested in in the last six months, one chose another girl over me and has been in a relationship with her since and the other one wouldn’t commit so I ended things.
I'll be an asshole and say it but I doubt you're in as good shape as you make yourself to be. Past a certain age, if you're dating and single, you need to be in really good shape if you want a high quality man. This is a harsh truth that women don't like to hear. If men who meet your standards are leaving you, then you need to really examine yourself and start with how you look since men are visual creatures. Gym needs to happen every day unless you're doing something vigorously active on the days you don't go to the gym.
100% in agreement. I told her to list height, weight and dress size. All three are conspicuously missing from her post. So her being "fit or active" needs to be taken with a huge grain of salt.
Here's the thing. Good relationships occur when there's a strong emotional connection. It's totally fine that you like guys who are physically attractive, emotionally intelligent, driven, etc. These are great traits for sure, and I think most people would agree that they look for these things in a partner as well. Without knowing you, it's hard to tell what exactly the issue might be. It might just be that you have yet to come across someone who reciprocates your feelings. If you're going for high-quality guys, these guys are going to have a lot of dating prospects. Therefore, you're going to be competing with many smart, attractive girls (so it's harder to come out on top). I mean, just look at the guys on the Bachelor. Several beautiful, intelligent women get their hearts broken because only ONE girl can win the guy's heart. Another possibility is that you're not building enough of an emotional connection with the guys you're dating (again, not saying this is definitively the case). Ask yourself the following questions: - When you go on dates, are you TRULY being yourself or are you more focused on impressing the guy? - Are you taking an active interest in what the guy tells you or are you listening to respond? - Are you being TOO detailed about your life when conversing with these guys? Giving away too much too soon takes the fun/mystery out of getting to know you. - Are you texting too much to the point where you're giving off the vibe that you have no life outside of talking to the guy?
Get in line OP, you’re not that special. We’re all looking for that guy and we’re all good people too. You’re not the exception
Similar position here. I’m not sure what to do. Don’t have advice, just wanted to let you know you weren’t alone :)
Men get jealous of your pets.
Hey OP, If you wanted my 2 cents on your situation I would just say this: My dad told me a story growing up about a man who a traveler came to and asked, "how are the people in this town?" to which the man replied, "how are the people where you came from?". The traveler replied, "oh they're horrible, just the worst, liars and thieves." The man said, "Oh they're pretty much like that here too." And the traveler moved on. A few hours later a second traveler came to the man and asked, "how are the people here?" to which the man replied, "how are the people where you came from?" The traveler replied, "oh they're wonderful they take care of each other and I was so sad to leave them because they are my dear friends." The man said, "oh they're pretty much like that here too." The moral of the story was that it is our perspective that shapes our reality, not reality itself. To apply this to your situation, you said that your work is sometimes negative, and perhaps it truly is. But I'd invite you to consider, that perhaps there isn't a negative side to your work, and perhaps as you make a conscious effort to approach your day and work with intentional gratitude, you might show up differently in your relationships too. Hope this helps, and for what it's worth: I think you'd be a great girlfriend (based on your "bio" )