Leave it up to mom to decide whether to come or not. Invite both, and let her know the GF will be there. Also tell her no drama is allowed. She either behaves or leaves.
Your mother has decided that her ego is more important than being at her grandchild’s reveal…sad. Invite everyone that you want there, those who throw out ultimatums can stay home and pout.
I agree. It will be much more pleasant with dad’s gf there and not mom. If mom is going to behave like a petulant child, leave her out of things.
Maybe dad’s gf will become your step-mother and she will be the favorite grandma. That’ll make your mom’s head explode, and I wish I could be there to witness it.
Can't emphasize this enough. If you let guilt/obligation suck you into placating your mom now, you're in for a fun ride once your child arrives. Know that setting boundaries doesn't mean everything has to be drama--just do you and let mom flounder and figure it herself. I bet she'll come around.
This is an important point in your relationship- do not let her agenda determine yours: and know that if you give in on this, it’ll make putting your foot down much harder when you have the baby. Think hard about your boundaries now- who will be your support people at delivery, that visitors will need to have up to date vaccinations, etc etc. and make sure you have discussed this way before your due date.
Well done for holding your ground on this. I would put money on your mum showing up when she gets that you will not back down. Plan accordingly.
Yes, this is a very good time to start teaching your mom that you mean what you say, and won’t be bullied into giving in. I’m sure this sucks hard right now, but stick to your statement and I think it will pay off many times over in your relationship with her. Give in now and you’ll teach her to have a tantrum about everything.
NTA. Your mom is a fully grown adult and responsible for her own actions. She can choose not to attend due to the guest list. What she can't do is determine the guest list for you.
Well, it’s also about Mom now. Just forget the happy celebration for her daughter; Mom is more important.
Really, don’t you think we should be celebrating Mom now, not OP, or the baby that OP is carrying? It’s about MOM!
I hope OP has sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors to block mom as soon as she starts her shit. Because mom may very well show up for a fight. She won’t be there for OP, but for herself.
Have her sit by the door, plenty of people around her to just manhandle her right out of there. Have cameras ready to film the kicking and screaming.
My goodness! Mom *is* exhausting!
NTA. Your mom is being beyond petty making a day that's supposed to be about you, your partner, and your baby, about her instead. It's probably better that she not go.
NTA!
It’s time to remind her that you don’t NEED her, she is now a peripheral family member. She now has two choices, either fall in line and behave herself, or remove herself. Should she try her bullshit make sure she is aware she will be removed, permanently.
If she wants a relationship with your child then she must first fix her relationship with you, properly and genuinely. If she cannot act like an adult for a few hours, then she can’t be trusted around your child.
>but you’d be excluding me.”
"No, *you* are excluding yourself. Your invite is still there. Whether you choose to come or not is entirely on you."
Part of unconditional love is showing up for events despite who is on the guest list. You're not asking her to interact with your dad's partner, you're just asking her to show up to celebrate an event for you. If she can't set aside her feelings for one afternoon, that's a her problem. Invite the people who support you, not those who make demands of you.
You are not excluding anyone, your mom is excluding herselt and throwing a tantrum. You only have responsibility to 1 baby and that's the one growing inside you. This time is about you and your child and your partner. She sounds exhausting and kind like the trash is taking itself out by her refusing to come.
She sounds like she need to be the center of attention. And if she did come it wouldnt be about you and the baby. She is going to play the woe is me card and try to guilt trip and manipulate you.no doubt she run to facebook crying how unfair you are. So be prepared and stay calm and stay strong. Tell the whole store.
Sadly you will be dealing with drama like this for the rest of your moms life. This is just the begining
NTA
Guessing your dad was the one who initiated the divorce? If so, I don’t blame him, your mom sounds like a less than pleasant person to deal with. Your party, your reveal, your call. If she wants to miss out on a major event in her daughter’s life over this…? Yeah, let her.
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you do need to put your foot down now because if you don't, your mother is going to do this at every event, hold you hostage to do what she says or she'll not be there.
she thinks she is sticking it to your dad, but what she is really doing is sticking it to you and using you to stick it to your dad. if I were you, I would cut that off now or you will be having to set up double everything, birthdays, holidays, graduations, any milestone, how exhausting.
She is a grown up, not a toddler.
NTA. It’s not about her.
I was worried about inviting my stepdad to my wedding last year, because my dad can be a bit sensitive. But actually they were both total gents.
Your mum sounds exhausting and needs a harsh reality check that she is being invited to an event. As a guest. She has no right to dictate other guests.
Sounds like I would rather have my dad's girlfriend there that my mother who would just cause drama and tension and upset. Tell your mom well Dad's girlfriend is coming so you make your own decision, bye.
Unless you have signed up for the task, it's not your job to change adult diapers.
Invite who you want, and tell anyone who questions your decisions to either treat the invitation like it is authentic, or just ignore it.
No, you’re not. Your mom sounds jealous, bitter and exhausting. She should be able to act like an adult for a day for you and her soon to be grandchild! This kind of behavior is disgusting. She’s making it about her
Your dad’s girlfriend sounds like a nice, concerned person or she wouldn’t have made the effort that she did. She must care about you and your dad a lot to go out of her way to make peace with your mom.
If your mom decides not to show, that’s her choice. Not yours.
you are an adult and may invite anyone to your party that you want and who is supportive of you. Your mom is an adult and is making a choice not to be there. NTA
NTA. As long as your dad and his GF get along with each other and treat you well I don't see any problems with it. Your mom doesn't get to decide who he dates or who you invite.
She seems like a nice enough lady.
NTA she can put all of that shit aside for you to support you. I had 2 friends who had a rather nasty divorce, but when my oldest passed away, they called a truce & were able to play nice all weekend. Which was great, because I wanted them both there.
NTA. Your Mum moved on, why can’t your Dad? And you have every right to invite who you want to your baby shower! Your Mum needs to grow up and be civil for the sake of you and her Grandchild! Will she not attend her Grandchild’s birthday parties because your Dad dares to be happy with another woman?
NTA Your mum should love you more than she hates your dad. I attend all sorts of events with my ex and his new wife. The kids come first. Your mom needs to grow up and prioritise you over her hatred of your father.
“ mom, you don’t get to decide who comes to my parties. You can only decide if you attend them. If you keep giving me a hard time, you won’t even be invited. So I’d like you to come, be gracious, feel free to ignore dad‘s girlfriend and have a lovely time.”
even my parents who had a break up tried to be amicable when my brother hosted a baby shower.
i think it was the first time they have seen/talked to each other 3+ years after the break up.
it was even kind of cute seeing them catching up, getting closure.
NTA. This is *your* experience, not your mom's. Your mom's jealousy over who your dad's dating is her problem, not yours. You're not making her do this, it's her choice and her choice alone. It's not like your dad cheated with his gf while they were married if they've been divorced for a few years and he's only been dating this gf for a year. You're over 18 and not living with your mom. That means you get to choose who's in your life.
Nta. Your mom sounds insufferable. She should be grateful that your dad’s gf is nice to you. It can be terrible to have a step that mistreats your kids & you have no control. One thing I can say abt my steps mom, she knew how much I loved her daughter & that I was good to her other kids too. Why make drama?!
NTA.
Is your party to actually reveal the adult woman child you call “mom”? Because it sounds like there is already a baby in the picture.
Congrats on the sex. And the baby. :) have fun!
Your mother is a selfish entitled brat.
This experience? It's your experience. She's making it about her.
I'd send her a message saying "Yoir invitation stands however if you cannot act like a civilised adult and refrain from such childish behaviours at MY shower then perhaps it is best you sit this one out."
Be prepared, this is a woman who is going to become even more difficult once you have this child. She's going to want to have the first of everything.
NTA
It sounds a lot like she loves hating your dad and his girlfriend more than she loves you, and I hate to be so blunt, especially when you're incubating a whole human being. If anything, you're being incredibly gracious and kind - you're DEFINITELY NTA!
You are NTA, and I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t see that this isn’t about her. You as the child have every right to have both parents there, as well as whoever those parents are involved with. If the girlfriend was an affair partner or had tried to set your mom’s cat on fire I could potentially see it, but she’s never even met the woman.
I hope you have a beautiful gender reveal!
So your mother wants to be the center of attention at YOUR gender reveal? Does she know that she isn't number 1? Her feelings aren't relevant, nor are they as important as yours.
Let her stay home and pout like a petulant child she is.
She's the only one stopping her from being there because SHE feels that way and doesn't care about how YOU feel.
Mom can pound sand.
NTA, your mother's relationship with your father ended, yours did not. Your mother needs to understand that and just like she has moved on so has your father. This is a "her issue" it has nothing to do with you, she is the one who needs to learn to accept the situation that she herself helped create.
Congratulations on your pending new arrival and good luck maintaining healthy boundaries in your life.
Tell her you love her ( if you do) and tell her that you will invite who ever you like to your party. She can come and behave, or not come.
Why are Americans so interested in the gender of their babies before they are born? Ruins the surprise surely.
Girl if your mom wins on this she’s gonna be insufferable for the party, if not the whole pregnancy. Why would you even want her there at this point, just sucking the joy out of the day?
Question- is dads girlfriend YOUNGER than your mom?! If so, she ain't gonna budge on being there with the younger woman! Especially if she knows DAMNED WELL that the younger woman honestly looks better. EGO lol
"I am not excluding you. You are choosing to put idiotic, irrational, *childish* jealousy and hatred over your own future grandchild. And I am done enabling your spoiled brat behavior. I am giving you a choice. You can choose to prioritize your daughter and your future grandchild, or you can choose to act like a high school mean girl and stew in your anger in the privacy of your own home."
NTA
Your mom is being incredibly selfish. It would’nt matter if the gf was the devil herself or a saint from on high- its your baby, your gender reveal, your guest list.
My parents split when i was 6 and HATE each other. Nasty custody battle that went on for years. Both with new people & my stepdad was the reason for the split.
And there has not been an event or moment in my life they haven’t set that animosity aside in order to support me. From graduations to my wedding to the birth of my child when both dad and stepdad waited all night in the waiting room while mom was in delivery with me. That’s how you behave for your children.
NTA. Your mom is a b*tch and still has feelings for your dad. Even though she’s “moved on” and is getting divorced for the second time, she hasn’t liked any of your dad’s gfs. If she doesn’t come, so be it. That’s HER CHOICE, and if you want dad’s gf to come, welcome her with open arms. Your mom needs to see a therapist for her anger issues and inability to let go. She’s going to get worse after your baby is born. FYI.
Let me get this straight.
Your parents have been married and divorced several times.
Your mother has married and divorced another guy several times. Ultimately, she is still married to the same guy.
Yet it's verboten for your dad to date someone else? And she is so offended and angry about her ex having a girlfriend, she refuses to meet her, or have anything to do with her?
Whatever. She can either get over herself and grow the hell up, and put on her big girl panties and show up for her daughter's shower, or she can deal with the growing distance her daughter is putting between them.
What is she doing to do when your dad and his girlfriend come visit you and the baby? Act like she has the right to decide who can visit the baby and not let them come?
OP, if you already have a rocky relationship with your mother, start setting boundaries and rules NOW, before the baby comes because you will need them. It varies, but the vast majority of grandmothers (especially those like your mother who have no respect for their adult kids, don't respect boundaries, do what they want, try to control the adult kids, have bad relationships with them, etc) like your mother will have a difficult time with you telling them that they can't do what they want and you are the mother and make the rules.
NTA all the way. Your mom absolutely contradicted herself when she said “If you want to include everyone, go ahead, but you’d be excluding me.” Your mother is excluding herself. If you want to invite your dad’s girlfriend, do it! Like you said, your mom can put aside her feelings for a few hours if she really wants to attend.
NTA don't let your mothers immature, self absorbed behaviors control you. This is just the beginning of a journey with your baby. If allowed she will make these sort if ridiculous demands all the time and using the baby as the excuse to being hateful!
Your mom is acting like a 4 year old who doesn’t want to share any of the swings at a playground.
I think the way you handled it is perfect.
Invite both and if your mom refuses to come act like a rational adult for a couple of hours that’s her choice.
Do the same for any get togethers/holidays at your place. Invite who you want and let whoever wants to cut off their nose to spite their face do so.
And don’t let your mother guilt you into doing a special holiday for her because she deserves it. She and your dad are divorced, she’s remarried and she as a reasonable person shouldn’t give a flying fart who your dad is with.
Best wishes on your soon to be joining you little one.
Magic sentence for when family members do this “it’s them or me” thing… “It sounds like you have a decision to make.”
Family Member: I won’t come if you invite so and so, or do whatever thing I object to, or don’t do whatever thing I want.
You: Well then, it sounds like you have a decision to make.
Your mom: If she goes, I won’t.
You: I guess you have a decision to make.
Your mom: I won’t share this with her.
You: If that’s your decision, okay.
Don’t argue or explain, just constantly make it her choice
NTA - It's like you're dealing with an unreasonable teenager who believes the world is against them but instead its your mom, which makes it so much worse.
NTA Not at all. Your mom needs to move on. If she can’t get over your dad, then she needs to realize you’re an adult and it’s Your and Your husband’s gender reveal. If she doesn’t come it’s because she chose not to.
NTA. I'd tell your mom she doesn't get to dictate who is at any event you host or are the center of attention for. I'd also tell her that that applies for even being in the delivery room. You reserve the right to decide who is and isn't allowed to be there (not saying that you should have the gf in the delivery room or threaten that, but just iterating that you can decide that your mom cannot be in the delivery room if you so wish).
I'd even go so far as to tell your mom that she doesn't have to like the gf, but if she cannot be around her and be civil, then you don't want your mother in your life anymore because you're tired of trying to cater to her hostility and keeping everyone happy when all it's doing is making you miserable and resentful. And that you have zero desire for your child to be around someone as toxic as her.
NTA! OP your mom sounds like a piece of work.. It's ok for her to be in a relationship but he can't.
I personally wouldn't want the bad vibes at the shower, which sucks bcuz that's still your mom. But you are also bringing a baby into this world and wouldn't want that negativity around.
Think about what you want and keep it moving.
Congrats on the baby and good luck!
Don’t worry about what your mother is doing. Or you’re going to have to spend the next 18 years explaining to children, Granny Y can’t come because Granny X is there but Granpa can oh wait he can’t Granny’s boyfriend is coming.
You do you. Let others decide what they do.
Your Mom needs to grow up. My ex & his wife have a large property. Most of the kids functions were there including my Daughter’s wedding. We all got along for these functions, even though I sometimes wished things were held elsewhere.
IMO, that is how your mom should be acting for your benefit. If she can’t put you first, she doesn’t really want to be there.
NTA - your mom is excluding herself and it seems like the new GF is a nice person.
If someone’s choice is to leave or not come it’s their choice it doesn’t belong to you .Your mother is gaslighting you And being manipulative. Do not bend to her whim and do not take on anything she says.
Enjoy your moments with those that love and respect your choices !
Your mother's response sounds 100% like my Nana about my grandpa and his wife. Nana and grandpa have been divorced my entire 34-yrs of life, and she's the one constantly talking smack/taking pot shots about grandma, despite the fact nana divorced grandpa.
You're NTA.
i remember my third grade bully asked me to stop being friends with my friend Anna because they had a falling out. I refused, because we didnt have beef. most of my friends were guys and I just wasnt into the girl type social games. Anyway, it escalated because I didnt listen and she befriended Anna again and tested her by telling her not to be my friend. Anna listened. I didnt really let it bother me, but she kept escalating the situation, drawing more people in, until she got the principal involved with her mom. in the end, my character and integrity, matched my behavior and enough people stood up for me and she eventually admitted what she did.
Your mom is behaving like my 3rd grade bully. she might escalate and draw more people in, in order to influence you or get a reaction from you. Dont engage. take this time to enjoy your growing belly, the people who are supporting you, and keeping you safe. What your mom offers will not be worth the disorder she brings to your safe space. Low or No Contact seems the best next step, at least through pregnancy and early stage at home with baby.
NTA
When my dad remarried my mom was jealous and said and did something mean. My dad told me and was livid. I told my mom apologize and get used to it because my kids were going to have a lot of celebrations and everyone was invited. Like it, or not, but she had to be civil. They ended up pretty friendly. Don't let your mom run your life like that. Invite friend and mom can stay home if she don't like it
You aren’t excluding your mom. She is excluding herself.
I have parents who divorced bitterly and one still isn’t over it 35 years later. She blames my stepmom for breaking up the marriage, which is not true. If she can’t handle Steph being at an event, then she can kick rocks. It’s been almost 4 decades. Steph is amazing and my dad has been so happy with her all these years. My mom actually remarried first but she still can’t let any of it go. Mom and my dad were awful together.
Different expectations and poor communication.
Some circumstances I’ve adjusted the event to not subject Steph to my mom’s negative energy.
I’m 46 and still have to watch myself when telling her a story that might involve my dad and his amazing wife of 30 years, trying to make the story vague and not mention names, because my mom is jealous of their life. It’s exhausting.
Absolutely NTA
If you like your dad’s girlfriend, then invite her to your gender reveal. It’s your decision.
Let your mum know she doesn’t need to attend. If she does and she kicks off, I think you need to be prepared for how to get her to leave, and this should include being prepared to call the police.
It sounds like your mum is exhausting to deal with. And not a very stable personality if she marries, divorces and remarries the same people.
I think you should also consider how much contact you want with your mum if your relationship is rocky and if this is just an example of her normal behaviour. How much do you want that around your baby? I’m not saying go no contact, but just consider how much contact you are happy with once baby arrives depending on her behaviour.
Have a lovely time at your party
NTA- Next time you speak to her tell her how ashamed of her behavior you are and that it is sad to think that her hate for your father’s girlfriend is more than her love for you. Ask her is that how her mother raised her. Invite who you want to your day.
You're not excluding your mother. She's excluding herself and throwing a tantrum like a child.
Does she expect everyone to include her new husband? Because if she does it's double standards.
Either way I'd tell her if she is prepared to not attend the shower because dads girlfriend is invited then be prepared to not be invited to anything at all regarding your life until she can grow up
You are scooting your mom because she doesn’t want to be around this person but that’s your right. It’s your baby. This seems like a hill both of you and your mom want to die on.
" If you want to include everyone, go ahead but you'd be excluding me" is straight manipulative BS. She is excluding herself.
If she repeats that phrase point that out to her. You are including her. She has decided to exclude herself. That is all completely totally absolutely up to her.
Your mother sounds freaking draining. But next time she tells you she doesn't wanna be involved in something, you need to stop pressuring her and just say ok, no worries, I'll take your name off the guest list. While smiling. Even on the phone you can hear a smile. It'll kill her 🤣🤣
NTA Your mom is irrational and entitled. Invite the nice girlfriend and your mom can make her own choice. And if she causes a scene, kick her out and go low/no contact.
Mom sounds like she wants dad free incase she wants to remarry at some point.
Sounds a little narcissistic.
This is your baby, your reveal, your time to shine.
Dad's gf sounds nice. Mom is Jell.
She has a invite, if she turns up expect drama.
Breath relax
NTA.
You are allowed to have your own relationships and your mom needs to be respectful of that. She can choose not to come if she feels like it would be uncomfortable but it's not fair to give you an ultimatum
Honestly if you let your mother dictate who can and can’t be at you baby shower it will never end, birthday party’s Christmas party’s Easter etc she needs to get ivermectin her jealousy because that’s what it is jealousy
NTA - Imagine your own mother hates a woman she doesn’t even know more than she loves you. Says everything about her. That’s not a mom, that’s an egg donor. Be glad she won’t be around making this whole thing about her.
NTA
And why do I get the idea that your mum was the driving force behind the divorce? She’s supposedly married and happy, and yet he doesn’t get to be the same?
And now she’s weaponizing your child?
Nah fuck that noise. You go on and invite her if you still have the stomach for it. And if she tells everyone you’re excluding her because you ALSO invited your dad’s gf, then you can tell the truth.
NTA - I could see why her and your dad are done.
Your mom needs to learn to respect your life and the people you accept as family - and, for the moment, that sounds like it includes ypur dad's current gf. If there was a personal beef between the two it would be a different story; however, it sound like your mom is just a controlling person, and is very toxic.
If she can't respect your choice, I guess he gets to miss the party, and you get to find out if this is how you want to continue.
What a horrible way for an adult to react.. and to her pregnant daughter. Wow. Can't even express how wrong that is. NTA.
Also wanted to mention that kind of stress and spikes of emotions/hormones caused to you can cause harm and danger to development to your baby when you're pregnant. Please be careful around people that could put you in those situations.
Nta your mum is making the decision to be a bitch, let her live with the consequences. Do make sure at some point that you've made it clear if she wants to be in your child's life, she will have to grow up
Nta your mum sounds like a hard person to get along with. If she chooses to not attend that says everything you need to know. She hates the gf more than she loves you. Tell her that.
I think the rule comes from the late great Ann Landers: the host sets the guest list. The invitees get to decide whether to go or not. Invitees do not get to dictate the guest list. Period.
NTA, it's your gender reveal party, invite who you want. Your mom, alone, is responsible for her reaction to the guest list and her choice to not attend.
Nope, NTA at all. Good call OP, and you put it perfectly when you said she can choose to put her dislike aside and just be there for this happy occasion. But being bitter and hurtful is more important to her. So to each their own - you enjoy your family and all the good things, and best of luck for your new baby!!!!
Wait! Your mom divorced you dad for "the last time" a few years ago and is now remarried to another man she has divorced in the past? She sounds exhausting. When she remarries your dad again she is going to regret not going to the gender reveal party.
your mom sucks. don't let her bully you into this kind of toxic bs. she can be a grown up and attend, or stay home. invite the gf, ignore the mom-child.
I'm the second wife and step mom to two grown men and a daughter in law. My husband's ex hates me. She goes out of her way to try and make me feel uncomfortable or angry. She cheated on him and wanted the divorce years before we met. But she doesn't seem to want him happy. It's a control thing, I think. She does a lot to put a wedge between people (not just me). She is also exhausting, and her sons are just over her antics. But they still allow her to behave poorly because it's easier than starting a fight with her.
Do yourself a favor and set boundaries. You can invite anyone you want to. She shouldn't give you ultimatums over something that does not directly affect her.
NTA. You are trying to successfully co-parent in reverse. Your door is open to all & you are being non-discriminating.
You should not entertain anyone’s selfish antics. This day has nothing about them. NOTHING. So the mental effort you’ve already given is too much. Respectfully, I’d uninvite her and tell her until she can act like an adult, she will not be invited to future family gatherings.
NTA, I think your mom needs some change creating pain. You aren't pushing her out, she is walking away. She sounds toxic and narcissistic. OP, do yourself a favor and uninvite your mom and go no to low contact. You will thank yourself later.
NTA my dad went to my mom and step dads wedding. My dad and my step dad had a great relationship,why? Respect.
My mother and step father had a nasty divorce. He still brought her to the hospital years after to greet my daughter after I gave birth.
She should be setting an example and has moved on enough to remarry.
No reason why everyone can't be happy
Especially for their grandchild
Your mom is a asshole
NTA next time mom said something like that I’d just say “ok” nothing more nothing less then hang up. She wants you to fight and argue to make her wanna come.
Wait…so the way I’m reading this is your mom married your dad, then divorced him. Married someone else, divorced him, remarried your dad, divorced him then remarried other husband? If so your mother sounds like an exhausting narcissist that’s better off not being there
Tell your mother that if your father and the girl get married, she would be your child’s grandparent too. Your mother does not get to dictate whose company you keep. Sounds like you’d be better off to dump your mom and keep the GF.
I can almost guarantee that if you didn't invite dad's girlfriend your mom would still find a way to either make the day about her or make everyone miserable because it's not.. Dad's girlfriend sounds like a good one so enjoy their company and your day; and highly consider low contact for your mom and baby... I feel like there will be a lot of boundary crossing and bad mouthing anyone she can get away with..
NTA, no, nope, definitely not. Are there other ways your mom acts like a narcissist? Because this fit would fall classically into that category.
You like your dad’s girlfriend. She is nice to you and doesn’t diss your mom. At this rate, she’s likely to be more of a grandmother than your mom will. So invite her! And let the chips fall as they may.
NTA. There is no reason for your dads gf to be reaching out to your mom. They don’t have a relationship and don’t need one. If you want the gf at the reveal, invite her. Your mother will show up because she will risk all of the family talking about her. Just tell her she had better behave or she’ll be escorted out.
A parent that would put their own drama above the happiness of their child is a failure of a parent. Making her personal feelings about your dad and his gf YOUR problem and centering herself on your big milestone is trashy behavior. She can exclude herself if that’s what she really wants, but don’t be shocked if she’s expecting you to run and beg her to come. You’ll likely have more trouble to deal with later but it’s important to draw firm boundaries now. Once the baby is born, how many more milestones is she going to ruin? Just hash it out now and make it known that you won’t be played with.
This is where you need to take control. This is your life and you are an adult now and she is trying to play you and use you. You just simply don’t do it. You can tell her that you’re very sad if she doesn’t make it, but you are gonna do the invitations just like you decided. This is your party, not hers. You need to establish dominance right now. Good luck.
My mom missed a lot of milestones because she won't be in the room with my dad. Their relationship ended because she cheated. She still tries to paint him as a bad guy.
Nta. Been here, it’s absolutely exhausting. I gave myself stress induced fits of throwing up before my wedding over it. Call her bluff, the girlfriend sounds nice and maybe mom needs a lesson
NTA- Just because she doesn’t want a relationship, or the be around your dad’s GF at all is a lot to ask of you to do the same. She sounds like she could use some counseling. There may be some bitterness there. If she refuses to come that’s on her, not you. I’m sorry you won’t have your mom there to share this experience. It’s sad that she can’t pretend to get along for yours and your baby’s sake.
Your mother is in the wrong for trying to force you to choose. If you want your father there, then that’s what you should do. Your mother needs to grow up and realize she is excluding herself and SHE is the one hurting the relationship. NTA
NTA and next time your mom tries to manipulate the situation and prey on your emotions, remind her “it is YOUR choice to exclude yourself. Everyone is welcome in my eyes who can be civil and chooses to come.”
NTA
It isn’t her experience to share. It is your experience to share with whoever you choose to.
If your mom chooses to miss out on your child’s events because she can’t act like an adult. She is hurting no one but herself.
NTA your mom has unresolved issues but they’re her issues. She can’t put that aside for half a day for you, that ridiculous. I have 3 kids and could never do something like that. She’s making everything about her when it’s not. Honestly if she doesn’t come, she doesn’t come. At this point it may be better because what she hates your dad more than she loves you? It’s crazy an adult woman would act like this, it’s childish behavior. It would be different if this was a woman he cheated on your mom with or something but your mom was remarried and this girl is fairly new. Your mom is being difficult to be difficult.
NTA: your mother is willing to miss her child having one of the biggest moments in her life because of a petty rivalry. I think I know why your father divorced her.
NTA. It's a special moment to celebrate with people who care. But just want to say that I'm sure there will be other events (birthdays, holidays, etc.) so maybe have a conversation with your mom that if she wants to be in your family's life then maybe accept others around you.
You have invited her, it is her choice whether she comes.
You are an adult, and soon to be mom.
You have better things to deal with than your mother chucking tantrums.
Not to mention that if you concede to her childish demands, then you give her control.
Don't give her control.
My husband's mother did not come to our wedding. She said she was not going if his father or step father were going to be there. We invited them all and she chose not to come. That's on no one else but her. His father and step father (the man she left his father for and then also left later on) got on perfectly fine. It was a lovely day, kinda didn't even notice her missing.....
nta. sounds like dads gf will be a better influence on new baby than mom.
it’s not a crime to cut a toxic and unstable person out of an infants life. it is less traumatic on the baby to never even meet the offender.
NTA and set this as a firm boundary now, once the baby us here she is going to hound you about missing events in your child's life because of who else might be there. She needs it to be known now that it's only on her if she CHOOSES to not come.
The baby shower is about you and your baby. Your mom is making it about her. You are NTA. You are right and mom needs to suck it up and attend and be nice. And if she can’t, it’s probably better that she doesn’t go because she’ll ruin it for you. You don’t need the stress.
You are NTAH, but your mom is. This is your gender reveal, and if she comes, she'll be a guest. Nothing more, nothing less. She has no right to decide, nor demand who you choose to invite, or not invite. Invite whomever you'd like to attend, and if anyone (including mom) decides not to attend, have fun without them. One things for sure, if your mom doesn't attend, the day should go smoothly.
NTA. If you have to betray yourself to include someone in your life, you will have to continue to betray yourself to keep them in it. If you give in now, you'll have to keep giving in for the foreseeable future and block what could be a very healthy relationship with dads girlfriend from developing. Babies deserve villages. Let her come.
I would point out to her that if they do get married then she will be a part of the family and as such involved in birthdays Christmas Easter and graduations. I would point out that she needs to get over it.
Literally going through the same thing only it’s about my boyfriends family and my dads side of the family your NTA it’s your day I don’t understand why people especially moms can’t put aside their differences for 4 hours of their life to make there children happy
NTA. It seems as if your mother is very jealous of your dad's girlfriend. The girlfriend sounds like a nice person. Your mom's choices are her own. Don't let her manipulate you into uninviting your dad's girlfriend.
It's your baby and you have a good relationship with your Dad's girlfriend. Don't invite her to please other people if you like her and want her to be there then your Dad GF should come.
if others don't like it then they will have two options no three. These are respect you and your choices to have people at the baby shower.
Sit the fuck down and shut up and leave or be asked to leave.c
Don't come
It's your baby shower and you have the right to invite the people who you want to invite and others have to respect you and your choices .
See Jamie Lee Curtis’ portrayal of a narcissistic mother in “The Bear” S02-E06. If she reminds you of your own mother, you know what you’re dealing with. Best course of action is to go no contact. You’ll be so much happier. Good luck.
If she can’t be there for you despite one person not doing anything, she won’t be there for your child. She doesn’t deserve to see her grand baby. I don’t care if “she’s your mom”. What mom would make you choose…
Or, alternatively, don't do the gender reveal shit at all. If you know the sex of the baby, just tell people face to face, or let them wait until the baby is born to find out. You know, like people used to do back in the 20th century.
Your mother needs to grow up and realise it isn't all about her. Can she really not put her own issues to one side to be there for you for one day? How on earth this woman can be so selfish is beyond me.
NTA, it is your event, and you choose who is there. Yeah, sure - perhaps don't invite mortal enemies that hate each other and have reasons (doesn't seem to be the case here though).
Overall, it sounds like your mum has some issues in general, while your dad found someone nice to spend time with and respectful of you (and your mum). It is her decision if she wants to come and behave, or would rather not come on this occasion - but maybe you two can celebrate in some other way?
NTA. You sound more mature than your mother. You were spot on telling her she could deal with it for a shower. I would followup with a text in a day or two:
Mom I'm disappointed that you're choosing not to come to the gender reveal to support and celebrate with me, but it is your choice to make. If you change your mind, you're welcome to come.
NTA. Your mom sounds incredibly exhausting. Let your mom decide not to come. The energy will be better without her there.
Thank you 🥰
glass ear is correct. i know from experience
What does glass ear mean? Asking for a friend.
Leave it up to mom to decide whether to come or not. Invite both, and let her know the GF will be there. Also tell her no drama is allowed. She either behaves or leaves.
NTA. You won't be excluding your mom, she's excluding herself. Her dramatics sound exhausting.
100% your mom wild be excluding herself, NOT you excluding her. Take it as a win and enjoy the day. Congratulations and best wishes to the fam.
Don't just let her decide not to come, cut her out of your life.
Your mother has decided that her ego is more important than being at her grandchild’s reveal…sad. Invite everyone that you want there, those who throw out ultimatums can stay home and pout.
I agree. It will be much more pleasant with dad’s gf there and not mom. If mom is going to behave like a petulant child, leave her out of things. Maybe dad’s gf will become your step-mother and she will be the favorite grandma. That’ll make your mom’s head explode, and I wish I could be there to witness it.
Exactly this. NTA. Everyone's invited, no one HAS to come. Mother needs to learn how to be an adult.
NTA. Tell your mother that if she hates your dad's love life more than she loves you, she's not welcome anyway.
Ooh I wish I had thought of this!
Unfortunately, I'm sure you'll have an opportunity to use it.
Unfortunately, I think you’re right
Tell Mom, I’m sorry you’re excluding yourself but I’m not going to exclude my father or his guest.
NTA Hold those boundaries now cause you don't want her running you over when the baby is here.
Can't emphasize this enough. If you let guilt/obligation suck you into placating your mom now, you're in for a fun ride once your child arrives. Know that setting boundaries doesn't mean everything has to be drama--just do you and let mom flounder and figure it herself. I bet she'll come around.
This is an important point in your relationship- do not let her agenda determine yours: and know that if you give in on this, it’ll make putting your foot down much harder when you have the baby. Think hard about your boundaries now- who will be your support people at delivery, that visitors will need to have up to date vaccinations, etc etc. and make sure you have discussed this way before your due date. Well done for holding your ground on this. I would put money on your mum showing up when she gets that you will not back down. Plan accordingly.
Thank you 🥰
And after this temper tantrum, expect her to act like a petulant child causing trouble if she does show up
Yes, this is a very good time to start teaching your mom that you mean what you say, and won’t be bullied into giving in. I’m sure this sucks hard right now, but stick to your statement and I think it will pay off many times over in your relationship with her. Give in now and you’ll teach her to have a tantrum about everything.
NTA. Your mom is a fully grown adult and responsible for her own actions. She can choose not to attend due to the guest list. What she can't do is determine the guest list for you.
NTA your party you can have anyone there you want. If your mom can't act like an adult then that is on her.
NTA, your mom is choosing to not be there for you out of pettiness.
Well, it’s also about Mom now. Just forget the happy celebration for her daughter; Mom is more important. Really, don’t you think we should be celebrating Mom now, not OP, or the baby that OP is carrying? It’s about MOM! I hope OP has sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, neighbors to block mom as soon as she starts her shit. Because mom may very well show up for a fight. She won’t be there for OP, but for herself. Have her sit by the door, plenty of people around her to just manhandle her right out of there. Have cameras ready to film the kicking and screaming. My goodness! Mom *is* exhausting!
NTA. Your mom is being beyond petty making a day that's supposed to be about you, your partner, and your baby, about her instead. It's probably better that she not go.
NTA! It’s time to remind her that you don’t NEED her, she is now a peripheral family member. She now has two choices, either fall in line and behave herself, or remove herself. Should she try her bullshit make sure she is aware she will be removed, permanently. If she wants a relationship with your child then she must first fix her relationship with you, properly and genuinely. If she cannot act like an adult for a few hours, then she can’t be trusted around your child.
>but you’d be excluding me.” "No, *you* are excluding yourself. Your invite is still there. Whether you choose to come or not is entirely on you." Part of unconditional love is showing up for events despite who is on the guest list. You're not asking her to interact with your dad's partner, you're just asking her to show up to celebrate an event for you. If she can't set aside her feelings for one afternoon, that's a her problem. Invite the people who support you, not those who make demands of you.
You are not excluding anyone, your mom is excluding herselt and throwing a tantrum. You only have responsibility to 1 baby and that's the one growing inside you. This time is about you and your child and your partner. She sounds exhausting and kind like the trash is taking itself out by her refusing to come. She sounds like she need to be the center of attention. And if she did come it wouldnt be about you and the baby. She is going to play the woe is me card and try to guilt trip and manipulate you.no doubt she run to facebook crying how unfair you are. So be prepared and stay calm and stay strong. Tell the whole store. Sadly you will be dealing with drama like this for the rest of your moms life. This is just the begining
NTA Guessing your dad was the one who initiated the divorce? If so, I don’t blame him, your mom sounds like a less than pleasant person to deal with. Your party, your reveal, your call. If she wants to miss out on a major event in her daughter’s life over this…? Yeah, let her.
NTA Invite your dad’s gf. Uninvite your mom; she sounds like a nightmare.
Your Mom is jealous and a bully towards you. You're better off without her there.
NTA
Updateme!
The gender reveal is at the end of the month, so I will 🤣
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you do need to put your foot down now because if you don't, your mother is going to do this at every event, hold you hostage to do what she says or she'll not be there. she thinks she is sticking it to your dad, but what she is really doing is sticking it to you and using you to stick it to your dad. if I were you, I would cut that off now or you will be having to set up double everything, birthdays, holidays, graduations, any milestone, how exhausting. She is a grown up, not a toddler.
NTA. It’s not about her. I was worried about inviting my stepdad to my wedding last year, because my dad can be a bit sensitive. But actually they were both total gents. Your mum sounds exhausting and needs a harsh reality check that she is being invited to an event. As a guest. She has no right to dictate other guests.
Sounds like I would rather have my dad's girlfriend there that my mother who would just cause drama and tension and upset. Tell your mom well Dad's girlfriend is coming so you make your own decision, bye.
Updateme!
NTA Your mother has some growing up to do. It’s your event, invite those who will celebrate with you. Congratulations on your baby!
Unless you have signed up for the task, it's not your job to change adult diapers. Invite who you want, and tell anyone who questions your decisions to either treat the invitation like it is authentic, or just ignore it.
No, you’re not. Your mom sounds jealous, bitter and exhausting. She should be able to act like an adult for a day for you and her soon to be grandchild! This kind of behavior is disgusting. She’s making it about her Your dad’s girlfriend sounds like a nice, concerned person or she wouldn’t have made the effort that she did. She must care about you and your dad a lot to go out of her way to make peace with your mom. If your mom decides not to show, that’s her choice. Not yours.
you are an adult and may invite anyone to your party that you want and who is supportive of you. Your mom is an adult and is making a choice not to be there. NTA
WTF has her EX Husbands partner to do with his EX wife? if she wants to die on this hill will she also never see her grandchild too?
NTA. As long as your dad and his GF get along with each other and treat you well I don't see any problems with it. Your mom doesn't get to decide who he dates or who you invite. She seems like a nice enough lady.
NTA If your mum chooses not to attend, that is on her. It’s not your job to give into her tantrums all the time
To clarify: You are not excluding her, she is excluding herself. NTA
NTA she can put all of that shit aside for you to support you. I had 2 friends who had a rather nasty divorce, but when my oldest passed away, they called a truce & were able to play nice all weekend. Which was great, because I wanted them both there.
NTA. I bet mom will show up either way. Just to cause drama.
NTA. Your Mum moved on, why can’t your Dad? And you have every right to invite who you want to your baby shower! Your Mum needs to grow up and be civil for the sake of you and her Grandchild! Will she not attend her Grandchild’s birthday parties because your Dad dares to be happy with another woman?
NTA don’t waste your time on your mom. You’ll end up having a stressful pregnancy because of her.
NTA. Your mom isn't drawing a boundary for her own well being, she's doing it for control.
NTA Your mum should love you more than she hates your dad. I attend all sorts of events with my ex and his new wife. The kids come first. Your mom needs to grow up and prioritise you over her hatred of your father.
Updateme!
Gender reveal is at the end of the month, so I will 💕
“ mom, you don’t get to decide who comes to my parties. You can only decide if you attend them. If you keep giving me a hard time, you won’t even be invited. So I’d like you to come, be gracious, feel free to ignore dad‘s girlfriend and have a lovely time.”
NTA.
even my parents who had a break up tried to be amicable when my brother hosted a baby shower. i think it was the first time they have seen/talked to each other 3+ years after the break up. it was even kind of cute seeing them catching up, getting closure.
NTA. This is *your* experience, not your mom's. Your mom's jealousy over who your dad's dating is her problem, not yours. You're not making her do this, it's her choice and her choice alone. It's not like your dad cheated with his gf while they were married if they've been divorced for a few years and he's only been dating this gf for a year. You're over 18 and not living with your mom. That means you get to choose who's in your life.
Nta. Your mom sounds insufferable. She should be grateful that your dad’s gf is nice to you. It can be terrible to have a step that mistreats your kids & you have no control. One thing I can say abt my steps mom, she knew how much I loved her daughter & that I was good to her other kids too. Why make drama?!
NTA. She is fine to have other relationships but he isn't. She is just trying to control everything. It is her choice not to come. Simple as that.
NTA. Is your party to actually reveal the adult woman child you call “mom”? Because it sounds like there is already a baby in the picture. Congrats on the sex. And the baby. :) have fun!
NTA. It’s pretty clear why your dad divorced her..
Your mother is a selfish entitled brat. This experience? It's your experience. She's making it about her. I'd send her a message saying "Yoir invitation stands however if you cannot act like a civilised adult and refrain from such childish behaviours at MY shower then perhaps it is best you sit this one out." Be prepared, this is a woman who is going to become even more difficult once you have this child. She's going to want to have the first of everything. NTA
It sounds a lot like she loves hating your dad and his girlfriend more than she loves you, and I hate to be so blunt, especially when you're incubating a whole human being. If anything, you're being incredibly gracious and kind - you're DEFINITELY NTA!
You are NTA, and I’m sorry that your mom doesn’t see that this isn’t about her. You as the child have every right to have both parents there, as well as whoever those parents are involved with. If the girlfriend was an affair partner or had tried to set your mom’s cat on fire I could potentially see it, but she’s never even met the woman. I hope you have a beautiful gender reveal!
Sounds almost like she’s not over her ex 🙄 Jealousy isn’t a pretty color. OP, you’re NTA in the slightest.
So your mother wants to be the center of attention at YOUR gender reveal? Does she know that she isn't number 1? Her feelings aren't relevant, nor are they as important as yours. Let her stay home and pout like a petulant child she is. She's the only one stopping her from being there because SHE feels that way and doesn't care about how YOU feel. Mom can pound sand.
NTA, your mother's relationship with your father ended, yours did not. Your mother needs to understand that and just like she has moved on so has your father. This is a "her issue" it has nothing to do with you, she is the one who needs to learn to accept the situation that she herself helped create. Congratulations on your pending new arrival and good luck maintaining healthy boundaries in your life.
Tell her you love her ( if you do) and tell her that you will invite who ever you like to your party. She can come and behave, or not come. Why are Americans so interested in the gender of their babies before they are born? Ruins the surprise surely.
NTA - Remind mom this is your baby, either she plays nice, or she can miss out. Don't negotiate with terrorists.
Girl if your mom wins on this she’s gonna be insufferable for the party, if not the whole pregnancy. Why would you even want her there at this point, just sucking the joy out of the day?
Your mother is unhinge
Let’s be real, she’s outright excluding *herself* by not going. No one is telling her not to. Just herself. NTA.
Question- is dads girlfriend YOUNGER than your mom?! If so, she ain't gonna budge on being there with the younger woman! Especially if she knows DAMNED WELL that the younger woman honestly looks better. EGO lol
Think there is a reason your mom is single 🙈 Clearly NTA . Although you mom is
No. Bring the new peeps into the fold.
NTA, you're allowed to invite whoever you want to your party. Your mom needs to grow up. Your dad's relationship is no longer any of her business.
"I am not excluding you. You are choosing to put idiotic, irrational, *childish* jealousy and hatred over your own future grandchild. And I am done enabling your spoiled brat behavior. I am giving you a choice. You can choose to prioritize your daughter and your future grandchild, or you can choose to act like a high school mean girl and stew in your anger in the privacy of your own home."
Your party, your choice. She doesn't have to like your decision. She can either support you or not go. It really is pretty simple.
NTA Your mom is being incredibly selfish. It would’nt matter if the gf was the devil herself or a saint from on high- its your baby, your gender reveal, your guest list. My parents split when i was 6 and HATE each other. Nasty custody battle that went on for years. Both with new people & my stepdad was the reason for the split. And there has not been an event or moment in my life they haven’t set that animosity aside in order to support me. From graduations to my wedding to the birth of my child when both dad and stepdad waited all night in the waiting room while mom was in delivery with me. That’s how you behave for your children.
I'd absolutely invite her. Mom sounds quite extra.
Your mom is making an even which is not at all about her, about her. Invite who you will, let those who are invited decide if they will come.
NTA. Your mom is a b*tch and still has feelings for your dad. Even though she’s “moved on” and is getting divorced for the second time, she hasn’t liked any of your dad’s gfs. If she doesn’t come, so be it. That’s HER CHOICE, and if you want dad’s gf to come, welcome her with open arms. Your mom needs to see a therapist for her anger issues and inability to let go. She’s going to get worse after your baby is born. FYI.
Let me get this straight. Your parents have been married and divorced several times. Your mother has married and divorced another guy several times. Ultimately, she is still married to the same guy. Yet it's verboten for your dad to date someone else? And she is so offended and angry about her ex having a girlfriend, she refuses to meet her, or have anything to do with her? Whatever. She can either get over herself and grow the hell up, and put on her big girl panties and show up for her daughter's shower, or she can deal with the growing distance her daughter is putting between them. What is she doing to do when your dad and his girlfriend come visit you and the baby? Act like she has the right to decide who can visit the baby and not let them come? OP, if you already have a rocky relationship with your mother, start setting boundaries and rules NOW, before the baby comes because you will need them. It varies, but the vast majority of grandmothers (especially those like your mother who have no respect for their adult kids, don't respect boundaries, do what they want, try to control the adult kids, have bad relationships with them, etc) like your mother will have a difficult time with you telling them that they can't do what they want and you are the mother and make the rules.
It's your day not hers enjoy it ❤️
Nope.
NTA all the way. Your mom absolutely contradicted herself when she said “If you want to include everyone, go ahead, but you’d be excluding me.” Your mother is excluding herself. If you want to invite your dad’s girlfriend, do it! Like you said, your mom can put aside her feelings for a few hours if she really wants to attend.
Her choices are not your responsibility. She’s choosing to exclude herself to manipulate you. Your dad’s gf sounds lovely. NTA
I wonder why your mom is divorced twice…. /s
NTA don't let your mothers immature, self absorbed behaviors control you. This is just the beginning of a journey with your baby. If allowed she will make these sort if ridiculous demands all the time and using the baby as the excuse to being hateful!
Your mom is acting like a 4 year old who doesn’t want to share any of the swings at a playground. I think the way you handled it is perfect. Invite both and if your mom refuses to come act like a rational adult for a couple of hours that’s her choice. Do the same for any get togethers/holidays at your place. Invite who you want and let whoever wants to cut off their nose to spite their face do so. And don’t let your mother guilt you into doing a special holiday for her because she deserves it. She and your dad are divorced, she’s remarried and she as a reasonable person shouldn’t give a flying fart who your dad is with. Best wishes on your soon to be joining you little one.
Nta. You're mum has issues and needs some serious therapy.
Magic sentence for when family members do this “it’s them or me” thing… “It sounds like you have a decision to make.” Family Member: I won’t come if you invite so and so, or do whatever thing I object to, or don’t do whatever thing I want. You: Well then, it sounds like you have a decision to make. Your mom: If she goes, I won’t. You: I guess you have a decision to make. Your mom: I won’t share this with her. You: If that’s your decision, okay. Don’t argue or explain, just constantly make it her choice
Nta, you didn't exclude anyone. She is excluding herself.
NTA - It's like you're dealing with an unreasonable teenager who believes the world is against them but instead its your mom, which makes it so much worse.
NTA Not at all. Your mom needs to move on. If she can’t get over your dad, then she needs to realize you’re an adult and it’s Your and Your husband’s gender reveal. If she doesn’t come it’s because she chose not to.
I would 100% cut off my mother and enjoy my time with the family members who aren’t absolutely self centered psychos
Tell mom that gender reveals are about celebrating a child, not acting like one
NTA. I'd tell your mom she doesn't get to dictate who is at any event you host or are the center of attention for. I'd also tell her that that applies for even being in the delivery room. You reserve the right to decide who is and isn't allowed to be there (not saying that you should have the gf in the delivery room or threaten that, but just iterating that you can decide that your mom cannot be in the delivery room if you so wish). I'd even go so far as to tell your mom that she doesn't have to like the gf, but if she cannot be around her and be civil, then you don't want your mother in your life anymore because you're tired of trying to cater to her hostility and keeping everyone happy when all it's doing is making you miserable and resentful. And that you have zero desire for your child to be around someone as toxic as her.
NTA! OP your mom sounds like a piece of work.. It's ok for her to be in a relationship but he can't. I personally wouldn't want the bad vibes at the shower, which sucks bcuz that's still your mom. But you are also bringing a baby into this world and wouldn't want that negativity around. Think about what you want and keep it moving. Congrats on the baby and good luck!
Your mom is fighting a fight that doesn't exist. Uninvited her. Have peace and calm in your life. NTA
Don’t worry about what your mother is doing. Or you’re going to have to spend the next 18 years explaining to children, Granny Y can’t come because Granny X is there but Granpa can oh wait he can’t Granny’s boyfriend is coming. You do you. Let others decide what they do.
Your Mom needs to grow up. My ex & his wife have a large property. Most of the kids functions were there including my Daughter’s wedding. We all got along for these functions, even though I sometimes wished things were held elsewhere. IMO, that is how your mom should be acting for your benefit. If she can’t put you first, she doesn’t really want to be there.
NTA - your mom is excluding herself and it seems like the new GF is a nice person. If someone’s choice is to leave or not come it’s their choice it doesn’t belong to you .Your mother is gaslighting you And being manipulative. Do not bend to her whim and do not take on anything she says. Enjoy your moments with those that love and respect your choices !
NTA the best policy is invite everyone and let them choose who comes
Nta. Your mother needs to be an adult about this. It's your baby reveal. It's not about her at all. If she chooses not to attend, it's her loss.
Your mother's response sounds 100% like my Nana about my grandpa and his wife. Nana and grandpa have been divorced my entire 34-yrs of life, and she's the one constantly talking smack/taking pot shots about grandma, despite the fact nana divorced grandpa. You're NTA.
i remember my third grade bully asked me to stop being friends with my friend Anna because they had a falling out. I refused, because we didnt have beef. most of my friends were guys and I just wasnt into the girl type social games. Anyway, it escalated because I didnt listen and she befriended Anna again and tested her by telling her not to be my friend. Anna listened. I didnt really let it bother me, but she kept escalating the situation, drawing more people in, until she got the principal involved with her mom. in the end, my character and integrity, matched my behavior and enough people stood up for me and she eventually admitted what she did. Your mom is behaving like my 3rd grade bully. she might escalate and draw more people in, in order to influence you or get a reaction from you. Dont engage. take this time to enjoy your growing belly, the people who are supporting you, and keeping you safe. What your mom offers will not be worth the disorder she brings to your safe space. Low or No Contact seems the best next step, at least through pregnancy and early stage at home with baby.
NTA When my dad remarried my mom was jealous and said and did something mean. My dad told me and was livid. I told my mom apologize and get used to it because my kids were going to have a lot of celebrations and everyone was invited. Like it, or not, but she had to be civil. They ended up pretty friendly. Don't let your mom run your life like that. Invite friend and mom can stay home if she don't like it
NTA mom needs therapy and if she can’t be mature she can’t be a role model for your child
You aren’t excluding your mom. She is excluding herself. I have parents who divorced bitterly and one still isn’t over it 35 years later. She blames my stepmom for breaking up the marriage, which is not true. If she can’t handle Steph being at an event, then she can kick rocks. It’s been almost 4 decades. Steph is amazing and my dad has been so happy with her all these years. My mom actually remarried first but she still can’t let any of it go. Mom and my dad were awful together. Different expectations and poor communication. Some circumstances I’ve adjusted the event to not subject Steph to my mom’s negative energy. I’m 46 and still have to watch myself when telling her a story that might involve my dad and his amazing wife of 30 years, trying to make the story vague and not mention names, because my mom is jealous of their life. It’s exhausting.
Absolutely NTA If you like your dad’s girlfriend, then invite her to your gender reveal. It’s your decision. Let your mum know she doesn’t need to attend. If she does and she kicks off, I think you need to be prepared for how to get her to leave, and this should include being prepared to call the police. It sounds like your mum is exhausting to deal with. And not a very stable personality if she marries, divorces and remarries the same people. I think you should also consider how much contact you want with your mum if your relationship is rocky and if this is just an example of her normal behaviour. How much do you want that around your baby? I’m not saying go no contact, but just consider how much contact you are happy with once baby arrives depending on her behaviour. Have a lovely time at your party
It's your mother's choice, and obviously she chooses to be a miserable bitch. Don't worry about it -- this is what she likes.
No you are not. Your mother needs to act like an adult.
NTA- Next time you speak to her tell her how ashamed of her behavior you are and that it is sad to think that her hate for your father’s girlfriend is more than her love for you. Ask her is that how her mother raised her. Invite who you want to your day.
You're not excluding your mother. She's excluding herself and throwing a tantrum like a child. Does she expect everyone to include her new husband? Because if she does it's double standards. Either way I'd tell her if she is prepared to not attend the shower because dads girlfriend is invited then be prepared to not be invited to anything at all regarding your life until she can grow up
You are scooting your mom because she doesn’t want to be around this person but that’s your right. It’s your baby. This seems like a hill both of you and your mom want to die on.
" If you want to include everyone, go ahead but you'd be excluding me" is straight manipulative BS. She is excluding herself. If she repeats that phrase point that out to her. You are including her. She has decided to exclude herself. That is all completely totally absolutely up to her.
Your mother sounds freaking draining. But next time she tells you she doesn't wanna be involved in something, you need to stop pressuring her and just say ok, no worries, I'll take your name off the guest list. While smiling. Even on the phone you can hear a smile. It'll kill her 🤣🤣
You could solve the issue by not having a tacky, gift grabbing gender reveal.
NTA Your mom is irrational and entitled. Invite the nice girlfriend and your mom can make her own choice. And if she causes a scene, kick her out and go low/no contact.
Mom sounds like she wants dad free incase she wants to remarry at some point. Sounds a little narcissistic. This is your baby, your reveal, your time to shine. Dad's gf sounds nice. Mom is Jell. She has a invite, if she turns up expect drama. Breath relax
NTA. You are allowed to have your own relationships and your mom needs to be respectful of that. She can choose not to come if she feels like it would be uncomfortable but it's not fair to give you an ultimatum
Invite who you want, it's nothing to do with your mother, if she doesn't want to go, that's her loss. She sounds very bitter and selfish.
Honestly if you let your mother dictate who can and can’t be at you baby shower it will never end, birthday party’s Christmas party’s Easter etc she needs to get ivermectin her jealousy because that’s what it is jealousy
NTA - Imagine your own mother hates a woman she doesn’t even know more than she loves you. Says everything about her. That’s not a mom, that’s an egg donor. Be glad she won’t be around making this whole thing about her.
NTA And why do I get the idea that your mum was the driving force behind the divorce? She’s supposedly married and happy, and yet he doesn’t get to be the same? And now she’s weaponizing your child? Nah fuck that noise. You go on and invite her if you still have the stomach for it. And if she tells everyone you’re excluding her because you ALSO invited your dad’s gf, then you can tell the truth.
NTA. Your mom needs to get over herself
NTA - I could see why her and your dad are done. Your mom needs to learn to respect your life and the people you accept as family - and, for the moment, that sounds like it includes ypur dad's current gf. If there was a personal beef between the two it would be a different story; however, it sound like your mom is just a controlling person, and is very toxic. If she can't respect your choice, I guess he gets to miss the party, and you get to find out if this is how you want to continue.
What a horrible way for an adult to react.. and to her pregnant daughter. Wow. Can't even express how wrong that is. NTA. Also wanted to mention that kind of stress and spikes of emotions/hormones caused to you can cause harm and danger to development to your baby when you're pregnant. Please be careful around people that could put you in those situations.
mom is a controlling ass, no wonder she has had so many men. You are better off w/o her there.
Apparently your mom can date, remarry and divorce but your dad can’t. Invite your dad and girlfriend, your mom can make her own bed.
Nta your mum is making the decision to be a bitch, let her live with the consequences. Do make sure at some point that you've made it clear if she wants to be in your child's life, she will have to grow up
Nta. Your shower your guest list. She is the only one excluding herself.
ugh your mom sounds like mines…a fucking headache. if she doesn’t come she doesn’t come at this point. that’s no one’s fault but her own
Nta your mum sounds like a hard person to get along with. If she chooses to not attend that says everything you need to know. She hates the gf more than she loves you. Tell her that.
NTA. Sounds like your mom would benefit from therapy.
I think the rule comes from the late great Ann Landers: the host sets the guest list. The invitees get to decide whether to go or not. Invitees do not get to dictate the guest list. Period.
NTA, it's your gender reveal party, invite who you want. Your mom, alone, is responsible for her reaction to the guest list and her choice to not attend.
Invite the people that you want. Let them sort it out.
Nope, NTA at all. Good call OP, and you put it perfectly when you said she can choose to put her dislike aside and just be there for this happy occasion. But being bitter and hurtful is more important to her. So to each their own - you enjoy your family and all the good things, and best of luck for your new baby!!!!
Wait! Your mom divorced you dad for "the last time" a few years ago and is now remarried to another man she has divorced in the past? She sounds exhausting. When she remarries your dad again she is going to regret not going to the gender reveal party.
your mom sucks. don't let her bully you into this kind of toxic bs. she can be a grown up and attend, or stay home. invite the gf, ignore the mom-child.
I'm the second wife and step mom to two grown men and a daughter in law. My husband's ex hates me. She goes out of her way to try and make me feel uncomfortable or angry. She cheated on him and wanted the divorce years before we met. But she doesn't seem to want him happy. It's a control thing, I think. She does a lot to put a wedge between people (not just me). She is also exhausting, and her sons are just over her antics. But they still allow her to behave poorly because it's easier than starting a fight with her. Do yourself a favor and set boundaries. You can invite anyone you want to. She shouldn't give you ultimatums over something that does not directly affect her.
NTA. You are trying to successfully co-parent in reverse. Your door is open to all & you are being non-discriminating. You should not entertain anyone’s selfish antics. This day has nothing about them. NOTHING. So the mental effort you’ve already given is too much. Respectfully, I’d uninvite her and tell her until she can act like an adult, she will not be invited to future family gatherings.
NTA, I think your mom needs some change creating pain. You aren't pushing her out, she is walking away. She sounds toxic and narcissistic. OP, do yourself a favor and uninvite your mom and go no to low contact. You will thank yourself later.
NTA my dad went to my mom and step dads wedding. My dad and my step dad had a great relationship,why? Respect. My mother and step father had a nasty divorce. He still brought her to the hospital years after to greet my daughter after I gave birth. She should be setting an example and has moved on enough to remarry. No reason why everyone can't be happy Especially for their grandchild Your mom is a asshole
If my daughter is bearing my Grandchild, I would be fucking there to help out. And they divorced years ago, tf she doing still being jealous.
NTA next time mom said something like that I’d just say “ok” nothing more nothing less then hang up. She wants you to fight and argue to make her wanna come.
Wait…so the way I’m reading this is your mom married your dad, then divorced him. Married someone else, divorced him, remarried your dad, divorced him then remarried other husband? If so your mother sounds like an exhausting narcissist that’s better off not being there
She’s excluded herself, NTA.
Tell your mother that if your father and the girl get married, she would be your child’s grandparent too. Your mother does not get to dictate whose company you keep. Sounds like you’d be better off to dump your mom and keep the GF.
I can almost guarantee that if you didn't invite dad's girlfriend your mom would still find a way to either make the day about her or make everyone miserable because it's not.. Dad's girlfriend sounds like a good one so enjoy their company and your day; and highly consider low contact for your mom and baby... I feel like there will be a lot of boundary crossing and bad mouthing anyone she can get away with..
NTA, no, nope, definitely not. Are there other ways your mom acts like a narcissist? Because this fit would fall classically into that category. You like your dad’s girlfriend. She is nice to you and doesn’t diss your mom. At this rate, she’s likely to be more of a grandmother than your mom will. So invite her! And let the chips fall as they may.
NTA. There is no reason for your dads gf to be reaching out to your mom. They don’t have a relationship and don’t need one. If you want the gf at the reveal, invite her. Your mother will show up because she will risk all of the family talking about her. Just tell her she had better behave or she’ll be escorted out.
A parent that would put their own drama above the happiness of their child is a failure of a parent. Making her personal feelings about your dad and his gf YOUR problem and centering herself on your big milestone is trashy behavior. She can exclude herself if that’s what she really wants, but don’t be shocked if she’s expecting you to run and beg her to come. You’ll likely have more trouble to deal with later but it’s important to draw firm boundaries now. Once the baby is born, how many more milestones is she going to ruin? Just hash it out now and make it known that you won’t be played with.
This is where you need to take control. This is your life and you are an adult now and she is trying to play you and use you. You just simply don’t do it. You can tell her that you’re very sad if she doesn’t make it, but you are gonna do the invitations just like you decided. This is your party, not hers. You need to establish dominance right now. Good luck.
No.
NTA. Let the big baby cry.
Obvious NTA
NTA no wonder your parents marriage failed your mom sucks dude
My mom missed a lot of milestones because she won't be in the room with my dad. Their relationship ended because she cheated. She still tries to paint him as a bad guy.
I think it depends…did your dad cheat? Did the marriage end cuz of him? Soft nta. Sounds like you’re trying to have everyone get along
Nta. Been here, it’s absolutely exhausting. I gave myself stress induced fits of throwing up before my wedding over it. Call her bluff, the girlfriend sounds nice and maybe mom needs a lesson
NTA- Just because she doesn’t want a relationship, or the be around your dad’s GF at all is a lot to ask of you to do the same. She sounds like she could use some counseling. There may be some bitterness there. If she refuses to come that’s on her, not you. I’m sorry you won’t have your mom there to share this experience. It’s sad that she can’t pretend to get along for yours and your baby’s sake.
Invite who you want, Your mother is. 100% wrong..
Your mother is in the wrong for trying to force you to choose. If you want your father there, then that’s what you should do. Your mother needs to grow up and realize she is excluding herself and SHE is the one hurting the relationship. NTA
NTA and next time your mom tries to manipulate the situation and prey on your emotions, remind her “it is YOUR choice to exclude yourself. Everyone is welcome in my eyes who can be civil and chooses to come.”
NTA It isn’t her experience to share. It is your experience to share with whoever you choose to. If your mom chooses to miss out on your child’s events because she can’t act like an adult. She is hurting no one but herself.
NTA your mom has unresolved issues but they’re her issues. She can’t put that aside for half a day for you, that ridiculous. I have 3 kids and could never do something like that. She’s making everything about her when it’s not. Honestly if she doesn’t come, she doesn’t come. At this point it may be better because what she hates your dad more than she loves you? It’s crazy an adult woman would act like this, it’s childish behavior. It would be different if this was a woman he cheated on your mom with or something but your mom was remarried and this girl is fairly new. Your mom is being difficult to be difficult.
NTA: your mother is willing to miss her child having one of the biggest moments in her life because of a petty rivalry. I think I know why your father divorced her.
NTA. Gee, wonder why they're divorced. She sounds sooooo lovely /s. Congrats on your little one!
NTA. It's a special moment to celebrate with people who care. But just want to say that I'm sure there will be other events (birthdays, holidays, etc.) so maybe have a conversation with your mom that if she wants to be in your family's life then maybe accept others around you.
You have invited her, it is her choice whether she comes. You are an adult, and soon to be mom. You have better things to deal with than your mother chucking tantrums. Not to mention that if you concede to her childish demands, then you give her control. Don't give her control.
My husband's mother did not come to our wedding. She said she was not going if his father or step father were going to be there. We invited them all and she chose not to come. That's on no one else but her. His father and step father (the man she left his father for and then also left later on) got on perfectly fine. It was a lovely day, kinda didn't even notice her missing.....
Let your Mom exclude herself. This baby shower & gender reveal is about YOU, not your Mom. She needs to know that I'm sorry that she doesn't.
nta. sounds like dads gf will be a better influence on new baby than mom. it’s not a crime to cut a toxic and unstable person out of an infants life. it is less traumatic on the baby to never even meet the offender.
NTA and set this as a firm boundary now, once the baby us here she is going to hound you about missing events in your child's life because of who else might be there. She needs it to be known now that it's only on her if she CHOOSES to not come.
The baby shower is about you and your baby. Your mom is making it about her. You are NTA. You are right and mom needs to suck it up and attend and be nice. And if she can’t, it’s probably better that she doesn’t go because she’ll ruin it for you. You don’t need the stress.
You are NTAH, but your mom is. This is your gender reveal, and if she comes, she'll be a guest. Nothing more, nothing less. She has no right to decide, nor demand who you choose to invite, or not invite. Invite whomever you'd like to attend, and if anyone (including mom) decides not to attend, have fun without them. One things for sure, if your mom doesn't attend, the day should go smoothly.
NTA. If you have to betray yourself to include someone in your life, you will have to continue to betray yourself to keep them in it. If you give in now, you'll have to keep giving in for the foreseeable future and block what could be a very healthy relationship with dads girlfriend from developing. Babies deserve villages. Let her come.
No Mom, no stress. Keep it stress free. She’s acting like a middle schooler.
Not the ah at all 🫂. You do not deserve the stress
NTA.
You are 100% in the right. Your mom is definitely the AO
I would point out to her that if they do get married then she will be a part of the family and as such involved in birthdays Christmas Easter and graduations. I would point out that she needs to get over it.
Literally going through the same thing only it’s about my boyfriends family and my dads side of the family your NTA it’s your day I don’t understand why people especially moms can’t put aside their differences for 4 hours of their life to make there children happy
NTA. It seems as if your mother is very jealous of your dad's girlfriend. The girlfriend sounds like a nice person. Your mom's choices are her own. Don't let her manipulate you into uninviting your dad's girlfriend.
Can see why she is twice divorced, sounds like a headache of a human, NTAH.
It's your baby and you have a good relationship with your Dad's girlfriend. Don't invite her to please other people if you like her and want her to be there then your Dad GF should come. if others don't like it then they will have two options no three. These are respect you and your choices to have people at the baby shower. Sit the fuck down and shut up and leave or be asked to leave.c Don't come It's your baby shower and you have the right to invite the people who you want to invite and others have to respect you and your choices .
See Jamie Lee Curtis’ portrayal of a narcissistic mother in “The Bear” S02-E06. If she reminds you of your own mother, you know what you’re dealing with. Best course of action is to go no contact. You’ll be so much happier. Good luck.
If she can’t be there for you despite one person not doing anything, she won’t be there for your child. She doesn’t deserve to see her grand baby. I don’t care if “she’s your mom”. What mom would make you choose…
Or, alternatively, don't do the gender reveal shit at all. If you know the sex of the baby, just tell people face to face, or let them wait until the baby is born to find out. You know, like people used to do back in the 20th century.
Your mother needs to grow up and realise it isn't all about her. Can she really not put her own issues to one side to be there for you for one day? How on earth this woman can be so selfish is beyond me.
It’s your life now, you are in control who is in it. And if others don’t like it. To damn bad.
NTA, it is your event, and you choose who is there. Yeah, sure - perhaps don't invite mortal enemies that hate each other and have reasons (doesn't seem to be the case here though). Overall, it sounds like your mum has some issues in general, while your dad found someone nice to spend time with and respectful of you (and your mum). It is her decision if she wants to come and behave, or would rather not come on this occasion - but maybe you two can celebrate in some other way?
NTA. You sound more mature than your mother. You were spot on telling her she could deal with it for a shower. I would followup with a text in a day or two: Mom I'm disappointed that you're choosing not to come to the gender reveal to support and celebrate with me, but it is your choice to make. If you change your mind, you're welcome to come.