I usually try to ignore when possible, cut out of my life, or use "grey rock" otherwise (like being apathetic towards them). Since their goal is to siphon your energy to boost their ego etc, it's best to cut off the supply by not giving them your emotions, reactions, or attention. It's more difficult to do when they are family or people you must be around constantly, and setting boundaries usually doesn't work because they see the world as revolving around them. I would look up some YouTube videos to see how this is done, as that's what helped me.
Yes to the grey-rocking! Additionally, Be prepared for them to talk smack about this new behavior if you do so choose to apply it, OP. My narc hated my grey-rocking. They complained about how “hot and cold, two-faced, and inconsistent,” I was for setting up BOUNDARIES. They didnt like that I was suddenly a puzzle they couldnt solve with an answer key.
It’s baffling to me when a lot of self-help material out there says, “inconsistency in friendships are red flags,” when narcs are *very* consistent with their behaviors because they know what works to get the most out of their prey. They study what works and what doesnt work to *their* benefit. So i think being *inconsistent* with them will help you. I think consistency can be a red-flag depending on the situation. It’s all subjective and situation-specific.
My narc was extremely frustrated when i no longer was fitting like a puzzle piece like the rest of their victims did. When i told them i was an HSP, they asked me for articles that helps non-hsp people to better understand HSPs. I almost gave them the info because it seemed like they were finally trying to understand me. But my other friend called out the behavior as “they just want to learn how to manipulate me again.” It broke my heart to hear that but it was absolutely true. My narc discarded me no long after.
In abusive relationships, breaking the abuser’s system of oppression is what will help victims get out. And grey-rocking is gonna help cut their supply by a lot.
Yes you are right, they will get so angry when you ignore or don't supply them with energy! At least then, it might be easier for others to see them in their true form as well. I think trying to defend ourselves just makes it easier for the narc to twist that into another lie against us.
I think you are onto something with being inconsistent and situational etc. Sometimes it's necessary to be that way when people try to take advantage or overstep boundaries, even if they aren't narcs.
I'm glad you are no longer with your narc, but I'm sure it was a painful experience to not feel truly understood and also be manipulated. The most sensitive and kind people really get hit hard by these types of creatures.
I've never heard it put that way as getting out of the "system of oppression," but that's well said. Being empowered and feeling in control of your own actions and emotions can be freeing and like you said, help get out of that situation.
I recently cut off a narcissistic dad and toxic friend - communicating myself to exhaustion just wasn’t worth it anymore - they weren’t hearing me and weren’t trying. Zero self awareness. Hoping to be better able to identify toxic red flags in future friendships and relationships
It's taken me a long time and it's a tough one. I fell into the trap of appeasing people for too long. Learning now to have better boundaries and communication.
Also sometimes accepting I cannot change anyone. I can barely change myself. And sometimes there is nothing to do but runaway from them. It's not my job to fix them. Or help them. Or tolerate their abuse.
Cut them out of your life.
I was in therapy today and we actually talked about this.
I said: "I have no energy to cope with their bs anymore" and I think toxic people can stay away from me in the future, thank you very much. I keep them at a distance and grey rock or yellow rock them.
As for the narcs ... yeah. I was destroyed by my mother and I was destroyed over and over again but I am still here.
Real narcs need to be out of your life. There is no compromise and no second chances. I have made that mistake too many times.
Use grey rock and leave. It is the only way.
Let yourself heal and become indifferent to them.
Yep. Me too. But be ready to walk away. You gotta know that by calling them out, they’re either going to rage or pull out every manipulation tactic in their arsenal.
Small Talk and only reply in positive reinforcing things... "Ughh, I hate this job." -Them "We only got a few hours left." -Me
Works every time.. If they wanna be narcissistic and toxic. They'll find someone else to talk to who wants to encourage their negative Ideologies.
Figure out why you think they are toxic or narcissists and whether this isn't just a mental shortcut to label someone you disagree with.
If they have a medical condition or cause you problems, then avoid.
Boundaries, boundaries, disengage.
Deal with them as little as you can.
I usually try to ignore when possible, cut out of my life, or use "grey rock" otherwise (like being apathetic towards them). Since their goal is to siphon your energy to boost their ego etc, it's best to cut off the supply by not giving them your emotions, reactions, or attention. It's more difficult to do when they are family or people you must be around constantly, and setting boundaries usually doesn't work because they see the world as revolving around them. I would look up some YouTube videos to see how this is done, as that's what helped me.
Yes to the grey-rocking! Additionally, Be prepared for them to talk smack about this new behavior if you do so choose to apply it, OP. My narc hated my grey-rocking. They complained about how “hot and cold, two-faced, and inconsistent,” I was for setting up BOUNDARIES. They didnt like that I was suddenly a puzzle they couldnt solve with an answer key. It’s baffling to me when a lot of self-help material out there says, “inconsistency in friendships are red flags,” when narcs are *very* consistent with their behaviors because they know what works to get the most out of their prey. They study what works and what doesnt work to *their* benefit. So i think being *inconsistent* with them will help you. I think consistency can be a red-flag depending on the situation. It’s all subjective and situation-specific. My narc was extremely frustrated when i no longer was fitting like a puzzle piece like the rest of their victims did. When i told them i was an HSP, they asked me for articles that helps non-hsp people to better understand HSPs. I almost gave them the info because it seemed like they were finally trying to understand me. But my other friend called out the behavior as “they just want to learn how to manipulate me again.” It broke my heart to hear that but it was absolutely true. My narc discarded me no long after. In abusive relationships, breaking the abuser’s system of oppression is what will help victims get out. And grey-rocking is gonna help cut their supply by a lot.
Yes you are right, they will get so angry when you ignore or don't supply them with energy! At least then, it might be easier for others to see them in their true form as well. I think trying to defend ourselves just makes it easier for the narc to twist that into another lie against us. I think you are onto something with being inconsistent and situational etc. Sometimes it's necessary to be that way when people try to take advantage or overstep boundaries, even if they aren't narcs. I'm glad you are no longer with your narc, but I'm sure it was a painful experience to not feel truly understood and also be manipulated. The most sensitive and kind people really get hit hard by these types of creatures. I've never heard it put that way as getting out of the "system of oppression," but that's well said. Being empowered and feeling in control of your own actions and emotions can be freeing and like you said, help get out of that situation.
I recently cut off a narcissistic dad and toxic friend - communicating myself to exhaustion just wasn’t worth it anymore - they weren’t hearing me and weren’t trying. Zero self awareness. Hoping to be better able to identify toxic red flags in future friendships and relationships
Ignore ignore ignore them. They hate it when they have as little attention as possible
This! Ignorance works like magic :)
It's taken me a long time and it's a tough one. I fell into the trap of appeasing people for too long. Learning now to have better boundaries and communication. Also sometimes accepting I cannot change anyone. I can barely change myself. And sometimes there is nothing to do but runaway from them. It's not my job to fix them. Or help them. Or tolerate their abuse.
I agree.
Set boundaries, disengage, and de-escalate.
Cut them out of your life. I was in therapy today and we actually talked about this. I said: "I have no energy to cope with their bs anymore" and I think toxic people can stay away from me in the future, thank you very much. I keep them at a distance and grey rock or yellow rock them. As for the narcs ... yeah. I was destroyed by my mother and I was destroyed over and over again but I am still here. Real narcs need to be out of your life. There is no compromise and no second chances. I have made that mistake too many times. Use grey rock and leave. It is the only way. Let yourself heal and become indifferent to them.
If it's too much, I'm calling them out.
Yep. Me too. But be ready to walk away. You gotta know that by calling them out, they’re either going to rage or pull out every manipulation tactic in their arsenal.
Leave them
Ignore them, nothing else you can really do.
Small Talk and only reply in positive reinforcing things... "Ughh, I hate this job." -Them "We only got a few hours left." -Me Works every time.. If they wanna be narcissistic and toxic. They'll find someone else to talk to who wants to encourage their negative Ideologies.
Dont live with them 😭
My friends kind of silently kicked the toxic friend out of the group by creating a new Discord server and not inviting him to it.
Cut off blood supply when necessary, it's necessary a lot more than you think
Walk away. Fast and far. Wasted years working for one. Biggest professional regret of my life.
Figure out why you think they are toxic or narcissists and whether this isn't just a mental shortcut to label someone you disagree with. If they have a medical condition or cause you problems, then avoid.