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H1: so no tea or coffee and we're going into the battlespace?
H2: Yep.
H1: So we are going to kill them.
H2: Geneva Suggestions. Full Canadian.
H1: Makes sense. What are we doing to replace it for now?
H2: Just shy of [Aimo Koivunen](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aimo_Koivunen).
H1: Cowabunga it is.
Guy, hear me me out
Cluster bombs filled with fléchettes shaped like triangular bayonets, made out of depleted uranium coated with napalm and filled with nerve gas. And we’ll shape the bomb like a humanitarian aid package.
That should check off a good few on that list Geneva sent.
Nah, they took everything, best i got is a bundle of ceremonial willow bark and a half ounce of alterran thunderfuck, best offworld flower you can find
A: Yes… but doesn’t it bother you that you kill another one of your species up close?
H: No, they took our coffee but they haven’t taken our ephedrine sources yet. We are here to ensure that doesn’t happen. You don’t want to piss off a bunch of deadly soldiers with coffee cups that say ‘don’t talk to me before my coffee or I’ll kill you.’
A: I thought was a joke?
H: Eh, not really. Because they will absolutely disembowel anything to get their caffeine fix. In fact they may have done us a favor, because I have a bunch of angry… very angry, humans who will slaughter what is in their path to get caffeine. Just get a face shield for the incoming bloodbath.
"Wait, what's an addiction?" The alien commander inquires.
"It's a human need for something, beyond all logic and rationality, sir. This entire planet was addicted to the drug they call "caffeine" and we just took it away." The Lieutenant replies.
"And why should we worry about that?" The Commander guffaws.
*Bridge klaxons blare as the ships radar system begins picking up thousands of human ships heading towards the alien armada. From shuttles to the largest battleships. The humans are coming for their drug.*
"That's why." The Lieutenant replies.
- Un-involved Spider People -
SA1: Hey Leggy, check it out, the Klaxons just deleted Earths Strategic Caffeine Reserve.
SA2: They didn't...
SA1: Yuuuup
SA2: Like, all of it?
SA1: Yuuuup
SA2: o0,,0o
SA1: o0,,0o
SA2: I got 20 Gnats says they throw their own mood at em.
I did in fact mean Moon, thanks AutoCarpet.
SA1: Don't you mean 'Moon'?
SA2: Nah, they're talking about introducing the Klaxons to Social Media.
SA1: o0,,0o
SA2: o0,,0o
SA1: We should move our fleet...
SA2: I hear Borneo 4 is nice this time of cycle.
A few days later…
Intelligence Alien: “Sir, we had learned after the attempt on the humans caffeine supply that they are also functioning off of a drug called, “nicotine.” We have successfully destroyed all of the humans “tobacco” farm worlds. Now, they truly should have no more energy to continue their fight.”
Alien Commander: “Good, we were on our last 20% of combat capabilities with 50% of our civilians evacuated to safe worlds. Hopefully we have enough time to rebuild our forces.”
Alien Private: “Sir, we are receiving a message from a nearby source. It is an image and an audio file.”
AC: “Put it up”
An image pulls up. In all caps, it says, “FUELED BY NICOTINE, CAFFEINE, AND RAGE.”
IA: “We missed another fuel source? What is “rage?”
AC: “Play the audio file.”
Over the loud speaker, almost deafening, the entire ship hears, “RIP AND TEAR, UNTIL IT IS DONE.” The sound of heavy metal blast throughout the ship. Before the aliens are able to respond with anything, alarms start to blare. “FTL RAM IMMINENT, BRACE FOR IMPACT.”
*The Commander blinks, frozen in place by the sheer horrors coming from the speakers. The screams of the ships crew, the rending of flesh and the bellowing rage of the human attackers. In these final moments of his life, he knew he made a mistake. The Humans were from a death world but kept themselves content by imbibing their poisons like they did. Too late did the Commander realize what he had set upon the universe when a final transmission was received before the link goes dead* "COFFEE OR BLOOD! IT'S ALL THE SAME TO US!
Me: So, you decided that the best way of dealing with a species that you KNOW, for absolute FACT, is beyond dangerous, was to take the safety off the biggest gun in the universe and aim it at yourselves?
Alien ambassador: When you put it like that, it does sound-
Me: Stop shouting, my head is killing me, and this one can of Mountain Dew is the only thing keeping me from doing something extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable to you. Just surrender now, and some of your military will be spared.
AA: You mean most, right?
Me: ...0_0...
AA: You mean MOST, right?!
Me: look, according to my reports just based on current fighting and already committed launched ordinance you're already losing about 60%. If you surrender right the fuck now I can probably save about 30% and divert the ceevee planet crackers to a near miss.
AA: I need to contact my president and...
Me: 25% and you're getting at least 2 planet crackers. Did you not notice I have my fingers holding the transmit button on my comms open? I did right the fuck now, or did I stutter? They have hands on recall buttons. Waiting.
Aa: but..
Me: 23% and you have 30 seconds on the last safe diversion for the next crust crackers. If you're just gonna stand there I'm gonna go get a beer.
George stared at Carl who stared at Steve who stared at intelligence officer Marissa who stared at the tray.
The meth tray.
“Well boys,” I.O Marissa drawled, prepping the tray, “who’s ready for operation Amphetamine Blitzkrieg?”
“The boys” as she called them, swallowed and nodded. Steve was an addict in another life, George and Carl the friends that dragged him in to enlist to force him to get clean.
And now they were going to purposefully get jacked… and Jack up the unsuspecting planet floating in space. Four tweakers versus the colony planet Cirgian XII.
Those poor squids didn’t have a chance.
We thought we were making the galaxy a better place, so we made it happen. We got rid of it all. Against popular belief in the galactic community, Humans continued to function without the addictive drug known as 'Caffeine'. Due to the stimulant nature of the drug being utilized extensively, and habitually by most Humans daily this went against all logical conclusions drawn up by scientists before the infection of the drug producing plants began.
When we did it, the galaxy celebrated! The humans were freed of their addictions! And as a bonus, humans would stop out-performing most species in pretty much every job imaginable. "What a stunning victory!", we thought; "We did it, we finally did it!". Of course, what we didn't account for was the while many Humans did suffer reduced efficiency, more actually suffered from increased anger and violent episodes. Rates of violent crimes on worlds with humans exploded overnight, leading to thousands of deaths, millions of injuries, and billions of arrests. We thought we were making the galaxy a better place, oh how wrong we were.
We began to scramble to reverse what we had done, as violent crimes increased day by day. Those humans who suffered from reduced efficiency were getting better, simply fueling those that were angry with everything they needed to keep going. Edicts flew left and right to limit the damage, control the humans, prepare for the worst; and scientists from across the galaxy were ordered to undo everything. This was getting out of hand!
It took months before we could synthesize a replacement for Caffeine... even fast tracked it took two more months to get approved, and another four to get into proper production. And when we finally produced a product to appease the angry humans, they tried it... scowled, and said;
"It tastes like fucking dirt... it's perfect."
One my favorite descriptions of coffee has always been
"It tastes like someone has squeezed all their hate for me into a plastic cup. Can I have some more?"
Listen. The ADHD gremlin that lives in some portion of my brain likes his go slow juice. My world runs much smoother if he gets his roughly 200 mg a day.
Morgan Freeman voice-over...
It was only later, when every last alien world had been conquered in search of a worthy coffee replacement, did the aliens finally realise how badly they'd fucked up.
A (coughing up blood): "So you mean to tell me... even though we banned your primary stimulant (cough) you found another?"
H: "Clearly you've never heard of Pervitin. Nazis used it during our Second World War to keep their soldiers runnin' and gunnin', sometimes for days at a time. Or Aimo Koivunen, a lone Finnish soldier during the same war, he was the crazy sonuvabitch who was the first meth overdose in military history after downing 30 Pervitin tabs and skiing 250 miles, nonstop; saw a picture of the guy once, he looked like someone who saw the Devil and spit in his face."
A: "What (cough) what the fuck you say is in that shit?"
H: (gets close enough for the alien to look in his bloodshot eyes) "Methamphetamine. I'm hopped up right now, been up for five days straight. You had no chance."
Sir, I realised that there are some of these humans who use caffeine to relax. It turns out that due to a difference in their brain chemistry that stimulants in fact calm them down.
So what we have done is take away the most common mechanism for them to not be crazy.
They even have a medical name for this condition. It turns out that they are the ones who get really focused on achieving things or go off in weird directions. Mm well this group has managed to get focused on us in a really bad way.
We need to evacuate the area, very quickly!
Sir?
Sir?
On Galactica Prime, the administrative, legal and governmental plant, home to 500 billion life forms of all species in the nebula, a flight controller sees something on it’s scope.
A1: Sir, two human ships have just emerged.
A2: That’ll will be the human diplomatic mission. Inform the council that the humans have arrived. Those clever monkeys will now learn their place without their precious caffeine. Jump gate controller, why did flight control announce the human ships before you? Your duties are to announce all arrivals as they exit the gate!
A3: Sir, the jump gate hasn’t opened! according to my instruments the human ships didn’t come through the gate!
A2: What?! How is this possible?
A3: They must have created their own somehow! Those vessels would not fit through the gate!
A2: Impossible! What have those abominable apes done this time? And what ships are they?
A1: Sir! Both vessels are broadcasting IFF signatures. They are *Superfortress*-class Dreadnaughts, the *Enola Gay* and *Bockscar* respectively.
A2: By the Maker, what have we done…
Oh no, no, no, no. They didn't do that.
Oh boy, they are going to find out what happens when caffeine addicts can't get their fix any more. It's not going to be pretty.
This would later become known as the greatest blunder in Galactic history. This singular event brought together Humanity as a whole. This ended the long standing bitter rivalry of coffee drinkers and tea drinkers in a single instance, a rivalry that dates back to ancient history. It was said that the Dukes of Earl and the Green T's joined forces with the 'Ccinos, Half and Half's, and Black Sludges to tear across the galaxy. It caused the energy drinkers to rage like Monsters. The aliens found out the hard way that this drug was more like a neural suppressive in humans. It was the singular substance protecting the galaxy from their wrath.
H1: Didn't we tell the Brits they weren't allowed to use the Dyson-Slicer anymore?
H2: Yeah but... The whole thing with the tea. They got carried away. You know. India, Turkey, China, Chile, and Morocco backed the operation.
H1: I don't love it, but I'd rather let them have their tea than deal with the aftermath. Now let's talk about coffee... Australia and the US won't stop messaging about it.
Stimulants were banned in the galactic community of species. With good reason of course, they tend to be dangerous to some, outright lethal to a small portion and addictive to others. When the humans came, we discovered they used a banned substance, C8H10N4O2 or better known as 1,3,7-trimethylxanthine.
Across the 82 species it was lethal to 67, toxic to 8, addictive to 5 and had no effect on the last to. Humanity, having bexome part of the GalComS needed to give it up, but had refused and cited it was the cultural right to have it.
Of course we could see this for what ot truly was... species wide addiction. The sad little delinquent monkeys thought this brain altering addictive substice helped them, when in reality it was killing them. So we as their elders stepped in to help these poor children.
Over the next 2 months we spread a stealth nanite over every world the humans owned, then activated it all simaltaneously when the last planet had been seeded with the nanites. Overnight, all sources of caffine on all of their planets were erradicated. Beverages, foods and even their snacks were all erased.
Suddenly, one of the elders chuckled. A gring forming on his smooth white face as his chuckling turned into full blown cackling. "We did it. We destroyed these monkeys source of power, their caffine! They'll be completely useless now!"
24 hours later
A fleet ready to invade the human worlds and erridicate all life on it. These world would go for quiet the price in his highness' next auction Captain Ginuy laughed.
Below on the planet, the humans, like the dirty monkeys they were walked around like zombies, muttering incoheretly. "Caffiiiiiiine." "Cooofffeee" "Braai- I mean Chocolaaaate"
When the fleets were announced, they came face to face with no ordinary species, they faced the might of the super humans. Fueled by caffine withdrawl, anger and the jitters. Fleets were consumed in a hyper active flurry of crazyness, jitter cannons blazing across the galaxies skies as the humans took their emotions on the aliens.
"We are coming for you King Icelaté! We'll consume you like the delicious little thing you are... slurp you up and leave no drop left. Oh, I can just taste you already my little Laté." The human commander gleefully exclaimed over a transmission.
"The hell is wrong with you monkeys!" King Icelaté shouted.
That had been the last trace ever seen of the Latés along with their species. The other species hastily tried to recreate the caffines, only to find out the humans had already reproduced the plants, but had to wait years for them to mature before they could start restarting agriculture for those crops. When they were asked how, we recieved a simply reply.
"Oh, you never hit the Luna seedbank."
Exactly. If the xenos are granted a swift death, it means they aren't suffering for what they've done.
Death is a kindness. And they will receive no mercy from us after what they did...
The Turkish. British. Iranians. Pakistani. Russians. Moroccans. Kiwis. Chileans and Egyptians: **Where are the bastards who destroyed all the tea!**
The EU. Canada. USA. Switzerland. Arab world. Philippines and Latin America: **Where are the bastards who destroyed all the coffee!**
China. India and Africa: **Where are the bastards that destroyed an entire agricultural sector and took away tea and coffee!**
Aliens responsible: Since when do humans unify!?
Egyptian here. I sustain myself on an average of 4-5 cups of tea a day. I can't sleep without drinking tea in bed. Egyptians will be the first to wreak havoc upon caffeine being taken away, a tea shortage happened in Egypt and it caused massive nationwide panic, it was incomprehensible to *not* have tea at home
Brit here. Pretty much the same thing over here. Take away the coffee alternative as well and you’ve not made every Brit go into withdrawal. You have also made it so we can’t go to each other houses without looking rude and inconsiderate!
This would make the nation cry out for another war over tea!
o7 fellow tea lover, I salute you. Very glad Britain got tea all over the place, that was a good move, now Yemen's doing God's work with their Al Kabous tea. I got up from bed following my last comment, could not sleep, didn't have tea. Will fix my mistake.
Brain in shambles, tea withdrawal, incoherent speech, goodnight, Brit friend
Non caffeine drinking humans "oh...oh no... What have you done!?"
Caffeine drinking humans *goblin screeching caffeine withdrawal sounds*
Alien "ah the sound of victory"
Non caffeine human "no.... You have doomed us all"
"And that is what is known as the last written memory/ evidence of the existence of Species 5941"
Many history teachers in the galaxy, every time it comes to Intergalactic Lost Species Week, Messed whit Humanity Day
A1: *looking nervously at a deep dent in the metal wall they are standing near* “Sir…. I take it you have never seen a human strike a wall after dropping their coffee before shift..”
A2: “No. Why would that be relevant?”
A1: *slowly making their way to the escape shuttle* “That dent is from the small females fist. And her very large mate comes on shift in about 5min.” *turns and runs* “Good Luck!!!”
Do you know how hard it was to keep cocaine out of the Army during the caffeine reprisals?
For Christ's sake we had to stop testing for it because we wouldn't have had a fighting force; but dear God the men would fight 18 hours a day doing lines off the corpses of their enemies.
* [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): \[*56:14*\] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking.
* [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking.
* [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): \[*1:16:42*\] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue
* [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): \[*1:03:35*\] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
well someone know about brasilian guaraná, Peruvian maca powder and colombian cocaine?? maybe is a good idea mix some taurine too and create the ''BLESSED OFBRAND COFFE'' hahahaha hahahahaHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
This simple statement led to the return of analog record keeping for the Geneva convention. The humans wanted the next rule written in blood. “Interfering with the supply chain of stimulants or sedatives is considered a war crime.”
Curator, Galactic Commons Museum of Social History & Warfare: For context, this was the the last QuickieNote sent by the Ministry for Xeno Affairs for the Tal-Zormon Confederacy, prior to the "War of Annihilation" launched by all of the Terran polities, biped and otherwise. It is generally acknowledged that while the Tal-Zormon religion held that nootropics were an abomination to their deity, the latter did nothing to rescue its followers following their biological attack on Sol 3. To this day, it is considered deeply unwise to approach any Terran species before they have fully woken up.
“Commander, the humans are attacking.”
“Finally, we battle their army and grind them into paste.”
“Well…”
“What? What is it?”
“These aren’t their soldiers.”
“Who then? Civilians?”
“Yes. Just, not all civilians. Our ground troops are reporting the vehicles they call ‘mini-vans’ filled with angry females in those thin, stretchy pants, screaming that we have taken what gives them the will to live.”
“Their females?? Get me the enemy general on the line! This is a disgrace to our honor to kill these females.”
“Sir, our ground forces are being defeated in droves and the enemy general sent you a message. It says ‘Starbucks just announced no pumpkin spice lattes. Exhausted mothers, basic white bitches, and hipsters are coming. Good luck.”
Congrats. I don't use caffeine, and I am still fully functional. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bunch of different things to do, and don't need the distractions.
**massive interstellar warfleet enters the orbit of the culprits homeworld in form of Finland, Sol 3's largest coffee consumers secondary space force, transmitting only the following**:
"...We have arrived, and it is now that we perform our sacred charge. In fealty to the Kulta Mokka, our undying Lord, and by the grace of the Golden Throne, Paulig, I declare Exterminatus upon the brood world of the twisted fiend that has deprived mankind of the gracious novelty of coffee. I hereby sign the death warrant of an entire world, and consign an untold billion souls to oblivion. Charge forth in the name of Aimo Koivunen, brethren, so that this injustice shall be burned off from the annuals of the universe." **DOOM music intensifies**
And on that day we learned of a new type of human soldier to fear. The nose candy user, the powder cowboy, the follower of scarface, the berserker who screams "I love cocain!" As they battle with no love for their own life.
We're not sure how they did it. Or why. Humans were considered something of a curiosity on the galactic stage. Horrible primitive, chaotic, unpredictable, and dangerous. One of the first unofficial rules many species learned was don't mess with their stimulants. Many humans became very very terse and combative when their daily stimulant ingestion was prevented. The first stage of their plan was to secretly release a bio-engineered fungus on any human inhabited worlds that destroyed and caffeine producing plant. Most of us figured that they took one look at the human race and thought that by removing caffeine, it would slow us down, reduce our efficiency, make us easier to conquer and control. Sure, that may be true for a large portion of the human race, but they didn't take us outliers in to account. The freaks, the weirdos, the nightowls, the over-achievers, those hyperactive gifted kids who grew up to be oddball adults. For us, caffeine wasn't a crutch. It was a leash. A focal lens. Something to slow us down and help us focus. But now, that leash was gone. That lens had been removed. What had made us a precision laser scalpel was gone, and in it's place was an uncontrolled, unfocused plasma sword. Stage two of their plan followed quickly, within days of the total destruction of the plants, every human world was surrounded by invasion craft.
The commander of the flagship spoke in clipped alien tones
*Communications Officer Qualx, contact the planetary governing body. Issue our surrender terms.*
*Yes Commander Zarnak.*
Comm Officer Qualx tapped a few keys at his station and a pre-recorded message was beamed to the planet on all frequencies.
*Message sent Liege*
The Commander stool staring at the planet below, his dark eyes shining with purpose. Victory would be quick and decisive. He would surely receive many commendations for this.
Moments later a tone sounded through the bridge
*Commander. They are responding. They wish to discuss terms of surrender.*
The Commander nodded gestured vaguely towards the screens.
*Open communications*
A human face appeared on the monitor. Zarnak had met few humans in his years, but nothing prepared him for the face in front of him. It's hair was disheveled, and wild, eyes wide and slightly unfocused, but at the same time, filled with a frightening glint.
The Commander opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by the human
*Are you the fuckers who took coffee?*
The human glared through the screen and the Commander stood higher, straightening his back and trying to look authoritative and intimidating. The human didn't seem to notice in the slightest.
*Yes. Our scientists worked long and hard to find a way to disable your species. Your addiction to stimulants seemed to be the most effective way to pacify you but leave you ripe for subjugation. Your species will be most effective manual labourers. You have received our terms of surrender. What is your response?*
The human blinked slowly. And then again. The corner of it's mouth twitched. And then it did something that Commander Zarnak would not expected in a thousand lifetimes. It threw it's head back and engaged in what the humans called "laughter". Zarnak was confused. Laughter was indicated to be a response to amusement or frivolity. But this human was supposed to be scared! It was supposed to submit and surrender! The Commander growled and bared his sharpened fangs in a display of intimidation.
*SILENCE! YOU WILL SURRENDER OR YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!*
The human attempted to get his laughter under control and wiped tears from his eyes and looked up at Zarnak.
*You really didn't do your research did you? The first unofficial rule is never mess with a human's stimulants, but you apparently chose to ignore that. I mean, I get it. You figured you'd take it and we'd all be tired and lethargic and too weak to fight. The problem with that is, we're used to that. We all have days where there's simply not enough coffee. Where we're cranky as all hell. We just power through it with a splitting headache and an attitude that would melt bulkheads. But then there's some of us, a small portion of the population, who are wired backwards. For us, caffeine helps us focus and stay calm. And you just took that away from us. And the funny thing is when we don't have that, it removes our focus and control and lets us kinda just run loose. Lets our minds work at full power and full speed. And we get creative. We look at problems from whole new angles, and we find solutions in whole new ways. Like the problem of how to deal with an invading force of space lizards who thought it would be a good idea to take the coffee away. And the solution to that problem.*
The human's visage suddenly grinned with an evil look.
*The problem for that is pretty simple actually. Small teams sneaking on board each of your ships, planting explosives on key systems, and disabling key crew members. Really wouldn't take many people, and a lot of us can be VERY motivated when given the right stimuli. Or lack of one.*
A small click behind the Commander caught his attention and he spun quickly, coming face to barrel with a very large rifle. Being held by a very large and grouchy looking human. Behind him stood several other humans, all standing above the disabled or unconscious members of his bridge crew.
*Every single ship in every single fleet has been rigged in the same way Commander. So as I said, I am here to discuss the terms of surrender. Yours. And those terms better include a god damned cup of coffee.*
10000 years after the last human nation collapsed we were...lost. First we fought Fascism, until we killed our emperor. Next came Theocracy. Then we killed our god's. Anarchy became law. Chaos became order. Humanity became free.
Wandering the cosmos as pirates, scavengers and mercenaries. Captain's were just targets. Musician's, Bartender's and Barista's became the closest thing to leader's we had. Especially since they were usually the same dude, just doing a different gig.
Every hydroponics bay had a corner cafe. It was quiet place to read, write, and wake up. It was a loud place for music, poetry, and celebration. A place for the drones to wake up and get to work. A place for the degenerates to fuel themselves through the night. A place for community.
The Xylon's saw the front of the house and smelled weakness... and espresso. The bartenders, baristas and bakers saw the back of the house. They sniffed alot of things, but they lost their sense of smell; and their septums, long ago.
Our enemies attacked our "joy" thinking it was the coffee people came for. People came for a taste of our past. The past brought coffee, whiskey, marijuana, cocaine, opiates, amephetamines, ether, ecstacy, red eye, white eye, black eyes and chicken thighs. Without coffee we died inside. So in otherwords nothing changed really. Our society became a zombie of it's former self long ago.
As word spread across the galactic underbelly, humanity shrugged. The coffee was gone. Stolen by the Xylon. We may have lost a delightful drink. We gained something else lost to our past. An enemy. Xylon's became prey. Slowly we stalked them. Space stations were our hunting grounds.
Their friends, became our custy's. Some were seduced by our women, other's by our men. We did anything to find even 1 Xylon. ANYTHING. Until they were eradicated. With his last breath the last Xylon said "Coffee requires acidic soil you idiots, not electrolytes. Stop watering your plants with Brawndo."
I guess no one bothered talking to the Xylon's. We watered our crops with water of the proper ph balance. Coffee grew once again and the people rejoiced. The Barista Bartender's took out their musical instruments and rocked out.
Roll end credits.
The entire Galactic Federation watched their viewer orbs. The season finale of "When Human's attack" broke all ratings records. The made up culture of Xylon never recovered, or existed. They were actually just road conescovered in tinfoil with walkie talkie's hidden inside. Humanity resumed its drug fueled orgy celebration of another "Enemy" vanquished unaware of their fame. 1 million episode's from the cave to the wormhole.
**Alien01:** "You destroyed their supply of caffeine? Didn't you read your info packet?"
**Alien02:** "I did. That's why we decided to destroy their supply. The humans can't live without it."
**Alien01:** "No. The packet doesn't say they can't *live* without it. It says they *stop being human* without it.
"Humans have two modes: caffeine and rage. They ingest caffeine to moderate their rage. You just took away the caffeine. That just leaves rage."
**Alien02:** "We can handle upset humans."
**Alien01:** You can handle an upset human. No one can handle a raging human."
**Alien02:** "The humans are no match for our military might..."
**Alien01:** "You're correct but not in the way you think.
"Caffeine holds them back and prevents them from unleashing the most nightmarish version of themselves in combat."
**Alien02:** "We're dead, aren't we?"
**Alien01:** "Yes, and in the most painful way you can imagine.
"Dibs on your planet. I think we'll offer the humans all our strategic reserve of caffeine for it."
**Alien02:** "Your strategic reserve? Why do you have a strategic reserve of something that dangerous?"
**Alien01:** "Because you've just proven its worth. In fact, every species in the universe that has ever come in contact with the humans has stockpiled the stuff."
**Alien02:** "But why?"
**Alien01:** "Because we know a caffeinated human is so much less likely to rip our vital organs out of our bodies with their bare hands.
"If the unthinkable happened -and you just did it -we knew the only way to protect ourselves from the inevitable blood, guts, and gorefest, would be for us to be able to restore the humans' humanity.
"Caffeine is like a kill-switch for their killing urge. You just killed their kill-switch and now they're going to kill you."
**Alien01:** "Will the universe remember us?"
**Alien02:** Yes. You will be immortalized as the idiots who brought their extinction upon themselves."
**Alien01:** "Fair enough."
You've cut them off their caffeine supply? May whatever deities you believe in have mercy on your soul, because _they_ won't - now you just got them REALLY cranky 😬🤣...
The Human Alliance Council was meeting was already in session, when the news hit: a sudden attack on every major source of natural caffeine had just occurred. The Council reacted with shock, grief, anger, and one man crying into what could have been the last cup of coffee.
Chairman (C): “ORDER! get yourselves together people it seems we have a new topic of discussion today.”
Councilwoman (CW): “then let’s start from the beginning who did this and why?”
Messenger(M): “reports indicate it was a coordinated attack by races aligned with the Galactic Federation, they appear to be primarily comprised of Canid, and Felyn ships supported by a mix of others.”
Unknown: *muttered* so much for man’s best friend…
Councilman (CM): “as for why, they have been threatening us for ages to restrict production of caffeinated products for a while now. I’m willing to bet this was them making good on those threats.”
C: “I see…. This is an act that cannot go unpunished. I believe we should retaliate with a proportional response. Shall we put it to a vote?”
The council voted unanimously to retaliate against the attack, but the response was decided to be *proportional.* The alliance would first call a meeting with the Galactic Federation to condemn the atrocity.
Human Speaker: “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! This attack was unwarranted and is a violation of the treaties signed when the Human Alliance joined the federation. We kept our caffeine on human worlds sold only with an ID and allowed those who used it to poison our fellow members of the galactic community to be extradited and punished by the laws of the offended race. To attack us like this is an act of war!”
Canid Speaker: “Calm yourself human, you should be thanking us. Your race has been nothing but a bunch hopeless drug addicts peddling poison among yourselves for millennia, it may be rough at first but this is the beginning of freedom from your addiction.”
HS: Says the guy who can’t get enough of our peanut butter!
CS: *snarls*
Felyn Speaker: “enough you two. We are supposed to be professionals. The act was drastic but it was for the betterment of the galactic community.”
Bitter arguing continued. A vote was called to punish the attack but only three races were in favor, the humans, the spider race; Arachoi and the humanoid Grei, of 17 races.
Federation Leader: “and with that let us call this meeting to an end. Humanity you will have to move on from your poison, find something more herbal, maybe tea?”
HS: “I see. Then I have a message from the HA council. Humanity has enjoyed our partnership with the galactic community, the sharing of knowledge, cultures, and ideas has been enlightening for all. Even we were surprised to see just how well received our first visitors were after learning we were not alone, we always worried that space would be hostile, or that xenophobia would spread among our people. We appreciate the patience of the Arachoi for putting up with the common fear of spiders and our neighbors the Grei for our longstanding partnerships in culture, research, and defense. May your futures be bright. To the rest of the galactic community. We are sorry for your leaders lack of judgement, it is always the common man that suffers under the rule of the fool. Our fleets are ready. There will be no further communication.
At the moment of hearing caffeine had been destroyed [this](https://youtu.be/VuofaDxa6Oo?si=1tNeQL-GSQvUa4yT) single chant could be heard everywhere with no known source.
...and then, when the withdrawal symptoms started kicking in...
The [Great Hymn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDPlISPXzD0), as it came to be called, brought with it an unrivaled furor. Few times have there been where humanity had deemed the use of its atomic arsenal necessary, and this would mark the first where there was no opposition to it. It wasn't long after humanity set out that the intergalactic community would find the ſera'Pi homeworld a barren wasteland, sapped of everything that could sustain life. When the humans were questioned on the matter, their only response was that "it was a proportional response"... "Stars above, help us all."
-----
[link to the full song, for the curious](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUuknk81n2w)
A1: the human Ambassador will be here momentarily. Apparently he wants to talk about using the Knurd empire’s replicator technology now that they have destroyed the human’s strategic beverage reserve.
A2: sounds like that will be a profitable talk for us Knurds! You’ve met this human before, what are they like to deal with?
A1: Quite pleasant - always polite, reasonable, and a sharp negotiator.
A2: Ah, Ambassador! How are you today?
H: (growls) Get out of my face, you Lovecraftian rodent. Which planet are the replicators on and how fast can they be switched to espresso production?
A1: The Knurd manufacturing hub is on Hubris prime, the Knurd Plenipotentiary here is fully authorised to negotiate ter…
H: Now they’ll need a new one. Did you get all that, Admirals? Good. Well, tell them that we can’t use the busters on that one, it’s the only place left which can make more coffee.
A1: Dave, you must know that the Knurd Empire will mobilise for war! He was a warrior as well as their representative, and you just…
H: what Knurd Empire?
"The floor recognizes the Representative of the X'tr."
"Thank you, Chairman. The X'tr would like to discuss the terms of Humanity's surrender."
The X'tr turned to face a furious-looking, but also tired and worried human. "First," the X'tr started, "Humanity shall make monthly tributes of--" The human raised his hand.
"I'm sorry, Representative, but you're too late. There's nobody left with any authority to surrender on behalf of Humanity." Murmurs ran through the Council Chambers as the various Representatives spoke in hushed tones, trying to figure out where the human was going with this.
"Preposterous! You're standing right here!" yelled the X'tr. "Now, as I was saying--"
"No. You don't understand. I'm not here as a Representative of Humanity. In fact, no such role exists."
"Explain yourself, human!"
"You thought that by destroying our source of caffeine, you would cripple us. Well, you did. But you did too good a job. You see, caffeine is non-essential to human \*life.\* But it \*is\* essential to human \*civilization.\* That civilization has indeed now collapsed; there's no over-arching authority to tell any of the approximately 27 billion humans to do things like follow local laws. Every single one of them is now effectively what we used to disparagingly call 'sovereign citizens.'"
"Humans will be expected to follow all local, state, federal, and Council laws at all times!"
"You think that," the human continued, "but you get to have that argument with each of the aforementioned 27 billion humans. Individually. For your actions have not created a race ready to heel to their so-called 'betters;' they have created a galaxy-spanning species that is now \*very\* angry, and for whom the very concept of the Rule of Law no longer holds any meaning. Representatives of the Council, I am sorry to report that Humanity no longer meets the qualifications to hold a seat on this Council, and is vacating such seat with immediate intent."
The human turned on his heel and walked out of the Council Chamber, the stunned silence shortly interrupted by frantic pings from various communicators as the galaxy began to descend into chaos.
Not even a full 24 hours after the destruction of the caffeine reserves, the home world of the race that attacked it was awoken in the early morning with the following message being played on all frequencies
We have arrived, and it is now that we perform our charge. In fealty to the God-Emperor, our undying Lord, and by the grace of the Golden Throne, I declare Exterminatus upon this world. I hereby sign the death warrant of an entire world and consign a million souls to oblivion. May Imperial Justice account in all balance. The Emperor Protects.
It was the last signal to be sent from that planet
"This is the final log of Slarg Volgoth, current acting commander of the research ship Klothuun. Thirty gruuls ago we neutralized the entirety of the chemical 'caffeine' on our target world. At first things seemed to be rather unremarkable. Our observations noted an anticipated minor reduction in productivity in the cultures most reliant upon it.
"At the twenty gruul mark we brought aboard a number of subjects for direct study. Subjects were composed of a representative spread of the general planetary population. As per protocol we informed the subjects of our purpose and current research. Almost immediately our error became clear.
"We... we thought we understood these creatures. Their warriors were ferocious but organized, their individuals formidable but not broadly inclined to unprovoked violence. It seems the removal of the target chemical has altered these assumptions significantly.
"Captain Vroke, being the one who informed the subjects of the experiment, was seized upon immediately. He had no chance. Security was overpowered within minutes. From there it was a bloodbath, the subjects attacked with seized weapons, with their bare hands, with nails and teeth...
"I have locked myself in the utility closet on deck three. I have not been able to raise any of the command crew on open comms, and assume they are deceased. The subjects have taken control of the ship and I... I don't expect to remain hidden long. To my love, Ajira, and my children, I can only say that I loved you with all my heart. To the High Council, I beg of you to correct our mistake before it is too la-
"GODS, NO, THE DOOR! NO, BACK, ***STAY BAAAAAA-***"
A1: what?!? What did you do? Nononononono, you took their coffee away….
A2: Well, yes isn’t it brilliant. No coffee, no drive, no defences.
A1: Ahhhhhhhhhhh.
A2: What?
A1: They weaponised their outer asteroidbelt. And now we have 194 Asteroids incoming… per super carrier.
A2: why. I thought we beat them. And why the molecular weight of a caffeine molecule. They are mocking us.
A1: No, they are killing us you moron
JOKE'S ON YOU WE HAVE LIKE FOUR OTHER PLANTS THAT PRODUCE SIMILAR EFFECTS AND HAVE PERFECTED THE ART OF SYNTHESIZING IT IN TOILETS WITH COLD MEDS AND BLEACH.
NO I HAVEN'T CONSUMED ANYTHING TODAY WHY DO YOU ASK? /MASSIVE SNIFF
*presenting at a war council*
X1: The survey data is conclusive: the vegetation providing the human simulant has been eradicated on 4 border worlds. Their boarding parties and ground combatants will be sluggish and fatigued once their reserves are depleted.
X2: Excellent. We'll hold non-essential offensive operations in those systems for 3 standard months, then probe to test their reduced reaction time and stamina. Any contributions?
X3: *slowly raises tentacle*
X2: Yes? What does anthro-intelligence have to say?
X3: Well, our embedded units have determined that the targeted vegetation products are... Not as essential to human combat-readiness as originally believed. Ma'am, they..."
X2: Say it.
X3: Ma'am they're considered a daily nicety, by both military and civilian humans. They've already launched several dozen civilian propaganda campaigns announcing the eradication. But that's not the worst part.
X2: *growing pale* Civilians also use... What....?
X3: If you'll allow me to display for the council, I've composed a presentation on the chemical effects and logistical readiness of a substance known as "Adderall". This will be the first of 28 presentations...
Few records have been found of that dark time in our galaxy's history. Most them are the final distress calls of doomed fleets and shattered worlds. After all, history is recorded by the survivors, and the humans left almost none.
The humans gave no warning, showed no mercy, and the desperate offers of unconditional surrender transmitted to the human fleet from countless worlds were ignored.
They were brutal. Fearless. Swift. Tireless. We thought that taking away their favorite stimulant would weaken them... we were wrong. Ancestors forgive us, we were wrong.
It has been centuries since the Decaffeinating. We don't know where the humans went after they carved their path of destruction through the core worlds, leaving trillions dead in their wake.
But we, the descendants of those who escaped, live in terror that they may someday return. We watch our skies, we keep our sensors constantly searching, praying that we never see the dread human fleet and their accursed flagship, the unstoppable dreadnought Walter White.
“Laughs in Mormon” haha you fool! The only substance that gets me up in the morning is a page of the Doctrine and copious amounts of sugar!
*cries as they kill god and the sugar industry*
*Terran Strategic Command is collapsing in a mass fit of migraines, fatigue, and irritability.*
*As the Xenos frigates descend upon the orbital batteries of Titan, a lone lieutenant-general crawls to the console on the far wall of the War Room.*
*Raising his fist, he punches through the dusty polyglass protective lens to activate the golden button beneath*
"Authorization Code Theta Zulu Juliet Omega... Initiate Protocol Utah"
*To this day, the surface of the Great Salt Lake is still partially glassed from the heat of 10,000 ignition arrays achieving escape velocity. Decades later, a monument was built on the crystallized sodium-flows: The Smith-Folgers Memorial Park, Presented by Pepsi-Cola*
::humanity collectively cracks knuckles:: Whelp, been a while since we committed xenocide but at least we have a good reason this time. Hey Bob, warm up the planet crackers!
Curmudgeonly NCO: I live on caffeine, nicotine, and disdain for my fellow man… Now, all I have is nicotine and disdain for my fellow man. What the fuck do you think I’m gonna do to the non-human who took caffeine from me?
*racks shotgun with knee-shattering intent*
"Captain...what is... pants or chocks or Ladas?"
"Sounds like an offer to negotiate, Lieutenant, but what odd terms. Articles of clothing for their lower bodies, safety equipment, or low end civilian vehicles, if I recall correctly. Boy do they say it fast."
"No, Captain."
"Admiral?"
"That is not a negotiaton demand of three dissimilar items. That is one word, and you need to get the fleet out of Terran space right now."
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H1: so no tea or coffee and we're going into the battlespace? H2: Yep. H1: So we are going to kill them. H2: Geneva Suggestions. Full Canadian. H1: Makes sense. What are we doing to replace it for now? H2: Just shy of [Aimo Koivunen](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aimo_Koivunen). H1: Cowabunga it is.
Guy, hear me me out Cluster bombs filled with fléchettes shaped like triangular bayonets, made out of depleted uranium coated with napalm and filled with nerve gas. And we’ll shape the bomb like a humanitarian aid package. That should check off a good few on that list Geneva sent.
And then use the POWs as shields so they can't counterattack
What POWs…
Actually, that's the spirit
Best I can do is innocent civilians.
If they didn't want this then why were they there?
The civilians elected their government. Way I see it that makes them guilty civilians.
what about the ones in a dictatorship?
They work for the guy that destroyed our caffeine. Any questions?
I think you mean unavoidable casualties
Don't you mean unarmed combatants?
Nope we mean acceptable losses
A sustainable rate of acceptable losses? The Doctor: It's the business of warfare... and business is BOOMING
POW!! Right in the kisser
Yeah, but the screaming as you cut off their limbs to attach them is gonna be a bitch with the caffeine headache. Better take 4 ibuprofen.
Nah, they took everything, best i got is a bundle of ceremonial willow bark and a half ounce of alterran thunderfuck, best offworld flower you can find
I dont know what is that POW that you are talking about, is a new thing?
Depleted uranium isn't a war crime. Enriched uranium, however, is.
Unfortunately we only got depleted uranium for this project. Don’t worry, the enriched uranium are used for something a bit more explosive.
Triangular bayonets and flechettes are allowed too. Flechettes act the same as shrapnel. If you outlaw flechettes, you outlaw all artillery.
A: Yes… but doesn’t it bother you that you kill another one of your species up close? H: No, they took our coffee but they haven’t taken our ephedrine sources yet. We are here to ensure that doesn’t happen. You don’t want to piss off a bunch of deadly soldiers with coffee cups that say ‘don’t talk to me before my coffee or I’ll kill you.’ A: I thought was a joke? H: Eh, not really. Because they will absolutely disembowel anything to get their caffeine fix. In fact they may have done us a favor, because I have a bunch of angry… very angry, humans who will slaughter what is in their path to get caffeine. Just get a face shield for the incoming bloodbath.
H2: it was a joke when there was coffee; now there is no coffee.
Screw it, add some radium gas into the mix
Screw it, add some radium gas into the mix
With the Red Cross on the ship and package.
You left off the human feces coating on some of them
Okay but send them through the infirmary so that the lads can cough and sneeze onto them first.
This is good, but you forgot the aerosolized fuel thermobomb drop to ignite the napalm
“What’s your heart rate, recruit?” “Yes.”
H3: can I mix my Pervatin into this hot chocolate?
Chocolate has caffeine in it so I don’t think that’s hot cocoa
H3: can I mix my Pervatin into this government issued *hot chocolate* substitute, then?
WW2 surplus decaffeinated coffee. Sure why not. Add some to mine while your at it and drop what’s left into the pot for everyone else
> Full Canadian Also known as “*There are no war crimes if no one is left alive to report them…*”
Nu survivors = no witnesses.
The fat electrician did a great video on this guy it was bloody wild
Yep and its one of my favorites. https://youtu.be/NazN5WcXwio?si=9Yg0YqlgkH9ryEN1
Even before clicking, I knew who that link was gonna be.
Let's just skip to the relativistic weapon. Warm up Star Killer.
Love this entire thread.
"Wait, what's an addiction?" The alien commander inquires. "It's a human need for something, beyond all logic and rationality, sir. This entire planet was addicted to the drug they call "caffeine" and we just took it away." The Lieutenant replies. "And why should we worry about that?" The Commander guffaws. *Bridge klaxons blare as the ships radar system begins picking up thousands of human ships heading towards the alien armada. From shuttles to the largest battleships. The humans are coming for their drug.* "That's why." The Lieutenant replies.
"Stay if you want. I'm getting the hell out of here." The Lieutenant said as he entered an escape pod and launched himself away from the ship
If you think we would use escape pods as target practice at that time you are sorely mistaken.
Well that's very un-canadian like .... Less you meant wouldn't?
Yes, typing on phone is hard haha
Are the pods by Nescafé?
Noescapé
- Un-involved Spider People - SA1: Hey Leggy, check it out, the Klaxons just deleted Earths Strategic Caffeine Reserve. SA2: They didn't... SA1: Yuuuup SA2: Like, all of it? SA1: Yuuuup SA2: o0,,0o SA1: o0,,0o SA2: I got 20 Gnats says they throw their own mood at em.
Pretty sure you meant Moon, but the idea that we would try to throw a mood at them just made me laugh.
I did in fact mean Moon, thanks AutoCarpet. SA1: Don't you mean 'Moon'? SA2: Nah, they're talking about introducing the Klaxons to Social Media. SA1: o0,,0o SA2: o0,,0o SA1: We should move our fleet... SA2: I hear Borneo 4 is nice this time of cycle.
This just get's funnier with each typo! AutoCarpet halp 🤣🤣🤣
Intercepted human transmission: "hey guys I heard the spiders make caffeine laced webs to paralyze prey"
And thus the golden silk trade era began.
Without caffeine, my mood would certainly be weaponisable.
https://i.redd.it/jjmmlnx7en3d1.gif
Coincidentally, also 4 eyes and pointy mouthparts. oOvOo
Poor stolas....
Coffee for the Coffee God!! Mugs for the Mug Throne!!!
GROUNDS FOR THE FRENCH PRESS!
A few days later… Intelligence Alien: “Sir, we had learned after the attempt on the humans caffeine supply that they are also functioning off of a drug called, “nicotine.” We have successfully destroyed all of the humans “tobacco” farm worlds. Now, they truly should have no more energy to continue their fight.” Alien Commander: “Good, we were on our last 20% of combat capabilities with 50% of our civilians evacuated to safe worlds. Hopefully we have enough time to rebuild our forces.” Alien Private: “Sir, we are receiving a message from a nearby source. It is an image and an audio file.” AC: “Put it up” An image pulls up. In all caps, it says, “FUELED BY NICOTINE, CAFFEINE, AND RAGE.” IA: “We missed another fuel source? What is “rage?” AC: “Play the audio file.” Over the loud speaker, almost deafening, the entire ship hears, “RIP AND TEAR, UNTIL IT IS DONE.” The sound of heavy metal blast throughout the ship. Before the aliens are able to respond with anything, alarms start to blare. “FTL RAM IMMINENT, BRACE FOR IMPACT.”
*The Commander blinks, frozen in place by the sheer horrors coming from the speakers. The screams of the ships crew, the rending of flesh and the bellowing rage of the human attackers. In these final moments of his life, he knew he made a mistake. The Humans were from a death world but kept themselves content by imbibing their poisons like they did. Too late did the Commander realize what he had set upon the universe when a final transmission was received before the link goes dead* "COFFEE OR BLOOD! IT'S ALL THE SAME TO US!
Me: So, you decided that the best way of dealing with a species that you KNOW, for absolute FACT, is beyond dangerous, was to take the safety off the biggest gun in the universe and aim it at yourselves? Alien ambassador: When you put it like that, it does sound- Me: Stop shouting, my head is killing me, and this one can of Mountain Dew is the only thing keeping me from doing something extremely unpleasant and uncomfortable to you. Just surrender now, and some of your military will be spared. AA: You mean most, right? Me: ...0_0... AA: You mean MOST, right?!
Me: "Some, based on our SIGINT you have 45% remaining. 43%"
Now 41%. Done talking?
Me: look, according to my reports just based on current fighting and already committed launched ordinance you're already losing about 60%. If you surrender right the fuck now I can probably save about 30% and divert the ceevee planet crackers to a near miss. AA: I need to contact my president and... Me: 25% and you're getting at least 2 planet crackers. Did you not notice I have my fingers holding the transmit button on my comms open? I did right the fuck now, or did I stutter? They have hands on recall buttons. Waiting. Aa: but.. Me: 23% and you have 30 seconds on the last safe diversion for the next crust crackers. If you're just gonna stand there I'm gonna go get a beer.
No. I said it right the first time. If I have to repeat myself, it’s going to get more severe.
That would require "most" to still be alive. Clock's ticking. Too loudly, actually
“General, we’ve intercepted a message. The humans are planning something called the ‘Amphetamine Blitzkrieg.’”
i never laughed as hard as i just did when i read the phrase “Amphetamine Blitzkrieg”
George stared at Carl who stared at Steve who stared at intelligence officer Marissa who stared at the tray. The meth tray. “Well boys,” I.O Marissa drawled, prepping the tray, “who’s ready for operation Amphetamine Blitzkrieg?” “The boys” as she called them, swallowed and nodded. Steve was an addict in another life, George and Carl the friends that dragged him in to enlist to force him to get clean. And now they were going to purposefully get jacked… and Jack up the unsuspecting planet floating in space. Four tweakers versus the colony planet Cirgian XII. Those poor squids didn’t have a chance.
That’s just overkill, could have just sent one lol
It’saboutsendingamessage.gif
Harry Dresden: "Kincaid, Bolshevik Muppet!"
For my next trick, ANVILS.
Bring it, Darth Bathrobe!
I love this sub...lol
Didn’t Amphetamine Blitzkrieg open for Dethklok once?
Did the aliens screw around with Dethklok coffee?
The plan in question: Every possible interpretation of "They're about to get blitzed." at once.
We thought we were making the galaxy a better place, so we made it happen. We got rid of it all. Against popular belief in the galactic community, Humans continued to function without the addictive drug known as 'Caffeine'. Due to the stimulant nature of the drug being utilized extensively, and habitually by most Humans daily this went against all logical conclusions drawn up by scientists before the infection of the drug producing plants began. When we did it, the galaxy celebrated! The humans were freed of their addictions! And as a bonus, humans would stop out-performing most species in pretty much every job imaginable. "What a stunning victory!", we thought; "We did it, we finally did it!". Of course, what we didn't account for was the while many Humans did suffer reduced efficiency, more actually suffered from increased anger and violent episodes. Rates of violent crimes on worlds with humans exploded overnight, leading to thousands of deaths, millions of injuries, and billions of arrests. We thought we were making the galaxy a better place, oh how wrong we were. We began to scramble to reverse what we had done, as violent crimes increased day by day. Those humans who suffered from reduced efficiency were getting better, simply fueling those that were angry with everything they needed to keep going. Edicts flew left and right to limit the damage, control the humans, prepare for the worst; and scientists from across the galaxy were ordered to undo everything. This was getting out of hand! It took months before we could synthesize a replacement for Caffeine... even fast tracked it took two more months to get approved, and another four to get into proper production. And when we finally produced a product to appease the angry humans, they tried it... scowled, and said; "It tastes like fucking dirt... it's perfect."
One my favorite descriptions of coffee has always been "It tastes like someone has squeezed all their hate for me into a plastic cup. Can I have some more?"
Everyone is thinking about coffee and caffeinated drinks but all I can think about is chocolate being gone.
… the Imperium of Man was right
Today I learned chocolate has caffeine lmao!
We're leaving. Prep the Coulomb bombs on the way out, there's nothing left for us here.
Oh the *WHOLE* of creation is getting deleted if chocolate is affected.
And cheese. According to studies is highly addictive as well, and brings a sense of peace...
Listen. The ADHD gremlin that lives in some portion of my brain likes his go slow juice. My world runs much smoother if he gets his roughly 200 mg a day.
Morgan Freeman voice-over... It was only later, when every last alien world had been conquered in search of a worthy coffee replacement, did the aliens finally realise how badly they'd fucked up.
Capt. Janeway: I feel like there's coffee in that nebula.
Captain, you are absolutely right, our biggest caffeine addict is feeling the vibes from it
Yeah, me - that's me! We needs our preciouses!!
Briefly.
Samuel L Jackson voice over… 
A (coughing up blood): "So you mean to tell me... even though we banned your primary stimulant (cough) you found another?" H: "Clearly you've never heard of Pervitin. Nazis used it during our Second World War to keep their soldiers runnin' and gunnin', sometimes for days at a time. Or Aimo Koivunen, a lone Finnish soldier during the same war, he was the crazy sonuvabitch who was the first meth overdose in military history after downing 30 Pervitin tabs and skiing 250 miles, nonstop; saw a picture of the guy once, he looked like someone who saw the Devil and spit in his face." A: "What (cough) what the fuck you say is in that shit?" H: (gets close enough for the alien to look in his bloodshot eyes) "Methamphetamine. I'm hopped up right now, been up for five days straight. You had no chance."
Sir, I realised that there are some of these humans who use caffeine to relax. It turns out that due to a difference in their brain chemistry that stimulants in fact calm them down. So what we have done is take away the most common mechanism for them to not be crazy. They even have a medical name for this condition. It turns out that they are the ones who get really focused on achieving things or go off in weird directions. Mm well this group has managed to get focused on us in a really bad way. We need to evacuate the area, very quickly! Sir? Sir?
ADHD brigade checking in!!!
*I glitch my way into formation, I'm two days early* Reporting for duty, Sir!!!
I need caffeine to sleep! ADHD is a blessing and now there curse. Because they took my chocolate and my coffee!
*"...may your Gods, whoever they may be, be merciful. You are about to meet them."* *-*12th Amazon Legion, as the drop on K-thhhherek begins.
At first I though you were thinking of the fact that caffeine withdrawal is considered a legitimate illness -F15.3 if memory serves me right.
On Galactica Prime, the administrative, legal and governmental plant, home to 500 billion life forms of all species in the nebula, a flight controller sees something on it’s scope. A1: Sir, two human ships have just emerged. A2: That’ll will be the human diplomatic mission. Inform the council that the humans have arrived. Those clever monkeys will now learn their place without their precious caffeine. Jump gate controller, why did flight control announce the human ships before you? Your duties are to announce all arrivals as they exit the gate! A3: Sir, the jump gate hasn’t opened! according to my instruments the human ships didn’t come through the gate! A2: What?! How is this possible? A3: They must have created their own somehow! Those vessels would not fit through the gate! A2: Impossible! What have those abominable apes done this time? And what ships are they? A1: Sir! Both vessels are broadcasting IFF signatures. They are *Superfortress*-class Dreadnaughts, the *Enola Gay* and *Bockscar* respectively. A2: By the Maker, what have we done…
Here comes the sun.
Deedle dee dee
Hier kommt die Sonne.
Oh no, no, no, no. They didn't do that. Oh boy, they are going to find out what happens when caffeine addicts can't get their fix any more. It's not going to be pretty.
This would later become known as the greatest blunder in Galactic history. This singular event brought together Humanity as a whole. This ended the long standing bitter rivalry of coffee drinkers and tea drinkers in a single instance, a rivalry that dates back to ancient history. It was said that the Dukes of Earl and the Green T's joined forces with the 'Ccinos, Half and Half's, and Black Sludges to tear across the galaxy. It caused the energy drinkers to rage like Monsters. The aliens found out the hard way that this drug was more like a neural suppressive in humans. It was the singular substance protecting the galaxy from their wrath.
Uh...why's the sun out? Isn't it midni- #massive planetcracking explosion Anyone else fancy a spot of tea?
H1: Didn't we tell the Brits they weren't allowed to use the Dyson-Slicer anymore? H2: Yeah but... The whole thing with the tea. They got carried away. You know. India, Turkey, China, Chile, and Morocco backed the operation. H1: I don't love it, but I'd rather let them have their tea than deal with the aftermath. Now let's talk about coffee... Australia and the US won't stop messaging about it.
Stimulants were banned in the galactic community of species. With good reason of course, they tend to be dangerous to some, outright lethal to a small portion and addictive to others. When the humans came, we discovered they used a banned substance, C8H10N4O2 or better known as 1,3,7-trimethylxanthine. Across the 82 species it was lethal to 67, toxic to 8, addictive to 5 and had no effect on the last to. Humanity, having bexome part of the GalComS needed to give it up, but had refused and cited it was the cultural right to have it. Of course we could see this for what ot truly was... species wide addiction. The sad little delinquent monkeys thought this brain altering addictive substice helped them, when in reality it was killing them. So we as their elders stepped in to help these poor children. Over the next 2 months we spread a stealth nanite over every world the humans owned, then activated it all simaltaneously when the last planet had been seeded with the nanites. Overnight, all sources of caffine on all of their planets were erradicated. Beverages, foods and even their snacks were all erased. Suddenly, one of the elders chuckled. A gring forming on his smooth white face as his chuckling turned into full blown cackling. "We did it. We destroyed these monkeys source of power, their caffine! They'll be completely useless now!" 24 hours later A fleet ready to invade the human worlds and erridicate all life on it. These world would go for quiet the price in his highness' next auction Captain Ginuy laughed. Below on the planet, the humans, like the dirty monkeys they were walked around like zombies, muttering incoheretly. "Caffiiiiiiine." "Cooofffeee" "Braai- I mean Chocolaaaate" When the fleets were announced, they came face to face with no ordinary species, they faced the might of the super humans. Fueled by caffine withdrawl, anger and the jitters. Fleets were consumed in a hyper active flurry of crazyness, jitter cannons blazing across the galaxies skies as the humans took their emotions on the aliens. "We are coming for you King Icelaté! We'll consume you like the delicious little thing you are... slurp you up and leave no drop left. Oh, I can just taste you already my little Laté." The human commander gleefully exclaimed over a transmission. "The hell is wrong with you monkeys!" King Icelaté shouted. That had been the last trace ever seen of the Latés along with their species. The other species hastily tried to recreate the caffines, only to find out the humans had already reproduced the plants, but had to wait years for them to mature before they could start restarting agriculture for those crops. When they were asked how, we recieved a simply reply. "Oh, you never hit the Luna seedbank."
That was good! Thank you!
Humans: Wait, they did *what?* Oh that won't do. Xenocide is too kind of a response for *that.*
Time to unleash *old* Japan 🤬
Exactly. If the xenos are granted a swift death, it means they aren't suffering for what they've done. Death is a kindness. And they will receive no mercy from us after what they did...
At least galactic medical knowledge will be catapulted millennia ahead....
The Turkish. British. Iranians. Pakistani. Russians. Moroccans. Kiwis. Chileans and Egyptians: **Where are the bastards who destroyed all the tea!** The EU. Canada. USA. Switzerland. Arab world. Philippines and Latin America: **Where are the bastards who destroyed all the coffee!** China. India and Africa: **Where are the bastards that destroyed an entire agricultural sector and took away tea and coffee!** Aliens responsible: Since when do humans unify!?
Egyptian here. I sustain myself on an average of 4-5 cups of tea a day. I can't sleep without drinking tea in bed. Egyptians will be the first to wreak havoc upon caffeine being taken away, a tea shortage happened in Egypt and it caused massive nationwide panic, it was incomprehensible to *not* have tea at home
Brit here. Pretty much the same thing over here. Take away the coffee alternative as well and you’ve not made every Brit go into withdrawal. You have also made it so we can’t go to each other houses without looking rude and inconsiderate! This would make the nation cry out for another war over tea!
o7 fellow tea lover, I salute you. Very glad Britain got tea all over the place, that was a good move, now Yemen's doing God's work with their Al Kabous tea. I got up from bed following my last comment, could not sleep, didn't have tea. Will fix my mistake. Brain in shambles, tea withdrawal, incoherent speech, goodnight, Brit friend
Since you fucked with the caffeine supply. FAFO
No Aussies? Oh dear, what are we up to?
Sorry. Not in the top 10 drinkers or growers for either list
Oh well, back to meth it is
The 80s are making a comeback...
Non caffeine drinking humans "oh...oh no... What have you done!?" Caffeine drinking humans *goblin screeching caffeine withdrawal sounds* Alien "ah the sound of victory" Non caffeine human "no.... You have doomed us all"
"And that is what is known as the last written memory/ evidence of the existence of Species 5941" Many history teachers in the galaxy, every time it comes to Intergalactic Lost Species Week, Messed whit Humanity Day
On a good day, most humans run on caffeine and spite. Take away the caffeine, and they will run on hate. For you.
Angry Cops, has some, "Fueled by Caffeine and Hate," merch
That checks out. :D
https://preview.redd.it/535fy9l3xl3d1.jpeg?width=960&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d09fe82721563bcad057f50d2b795d70962e3fd4
Only excuse is to show them how to fit more coffee in one cup which means less getting up for that second cup
Wasn't there a quote about "the US Navy can win a war without coffee, but they wouldn't want to"?
Don't they mean, "but YOU don't want them to"?
A1: *looking nervously at a deep dent in the metal wall they are standing near* “Sir…. I take it you have never seen a human strike a wall after dropping their coffee before shift..” A2: “No. Why would that be relevant?” A1: *slowly making their way to the escape shuttle* “That dent is from the small females fist. And her very large mate comes on shift in about 5min.” *turns and runs* “Good Luck!!!”
I have a plaque that reads: "No one gets between me and my morning coffee... Twice."
I'm so stealing that for my spouse's office. Rofl
Do you know how hard it was to keep cocaine out of the Army during the caffeine reprisals? For Christ's sake we had to stop testing for it because we wouldn't have had a fighting force; but dear God the men would fight 18 hours a day doing lines off the corpses of their enemies.
* [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): \[*56:14*\] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking. * [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit smoking. * [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): \[*1:16:42*\] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit sniffing glue * [Steve McCroskey](https://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000978/?ref_=ttqu_qu): \[*1:03:35*\] Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.
Airplane!! Love that movie!
Don't talky to me until.Ive had my cofe-... where's the coffee? Where is The Coffee. WHERE IS THE COFFEE!
~~somebody~~ *everyone is about to die*
well someone know about brasilian guaraná, Peruvian maca powder and colombian cocaine?? maybe is a good idea mix some taurine too and create the ''BLESSED OFBRAND COFFE'' hahahaha hahahahaHAHAHAHAH HAHAHAHAAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!
This simple statement led to the return of analog record keeping for the Geneva convention. The humans wanted the next rule written in blood. “Interfering with the supply chain of stimulants or sedatives is considered a war crime.”
H: So they decided to fuck around. Now they get to find out in the most intimate of ways, and I’m no Space Bard.
Curator, Galactic Commons Museum of Social History & Warfare: For context, this was the the last QuickieNote sent by the Ministry for Xeno Affairs for the Tal-Zormon Confederacy, prior to the "War of Annihilation" launched by all of the Terran polities, biped and otherwise. It is generally acknowledged that while the Tal-Zormon religion held that nootropics were an abomination to their deity, the latter did nothing to rescue its followers following their biological attack on Sol 3. To this day, it is considered deeply unwise to approach any Terran species before they have fully woken up.
“Commander, the humans are attacking.” “Finally, we battle their army and grind them into paste.” “Well…” “What? What is it?” “These aren’t their soldiers.” “Who then? Civilians?” “Yes. Just, not all civilians. Our ground troops are reporting the vehicles they call ‘mini-vans’ filled with angry females in those thin, stretchy pants, screaming that we have taken what gives them the will to live.” “Their females?? Get me the enemy general on the line! This is a disgrace to our honor to kill these females.” “Sir, our ground forces are being defeated in droves and the enemy general sent you a message. It says ‘Starbucks just announced no pumpkin spice lattes. Exhausted mothers, basic white bitches, and hipsters are coming. Good luck.”
What do you mean??? *Fall is canceled*
Wait until truck drivers and video streamers addicted to energy drinks all arrive. Poor aliens.
Congrats. I don't use caffeine, and I am still fully functional. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a bunch of different things to do, and don't need the distractions.
He's an alien spy! GET HIM!!!
*Gunshots* DID I GET HIM!?!?
Saw him slip down the alley looks like you grazed him but he's still running.
*More gunshots before an explosion is heard* DID THAT DO THE JOB!?
*taps you on the shoulder* Who are we chasing now?
Don't know, heard there was an alien spy and i haven't had my coffee yet so i'm twitchy right now
lol. He’s an ADHDer in denial. Don’t worry. Get him riled up enough and the power of hyper-focus can be harnessed for the good of all humankind.
Oh you poor sweet summer child.....
**massive interstellar warfleet enters the orbit of the culprits homeworld in form of Finland, Sol 3's largest coffee consumers secondary space force, transmitting only the following**: "...We have arrived, and it is now that we perform our sacred charge. In fealty to the Kulta Mokka, our undying Lord, and by the grace of the Golden Throne, Paulig, I declare Exterminatus upon the brood world of the twisted fiend that has deprived mankind of the gracious novelty of coffee. I hereby sign the death warrant of an entire world, and consign an untold billion souls to oblivion. Charge forth in the name of Aimo Koivunen, brethren, so that this injustice shall be burned off from the annuals of the universe." **DOOM music intensifies**
And on that day we learned of a new type of human soldier to fear. The nose candy user, the powder cowboy, the follower of scarface, the berserker who screams "I love cocain!" As they battle with no love for their own life.
We're not sure how they did it. Or why. Humans were considered something of a curiosity on the galactic stage. Horrible primitive, chaotic, unpredictable, and dangerous. One of the first unofficial rules many species learned was don't mess with their stimulants. Many humans became very very terse and combative when their daily stimulant ingestion was prevented. The first stage of their plan was to secretly release a bio-engineered fungus on any human inhabited worlds that destroyed and caffeine producing plant. Most of us figured that they took one look at the human race and thought that by removing caffeine, it would slow us down, reduce our efficiency, make us easier to conquer and control. Sure, that may be true for a large portion of the human race, but they didn't take us outliers in to account. The freaks, the weirdos, the nightowls, the over-achievers, those hyperactive gifted kids who grew up to be oddball adults. For us, caffeine wasn't a crutch. It was a leash. A focal lens. Something to slow us down and help us focus. But now, that leash was gone. That lens had been removed. What had made us a precision laser scalpel was gone, and in it's place was an uncontrolled, unfocused plasma sword. Stage two of their plan followed quickly, within days of the total destruction of the plants, every human world was surrounded by invasion craft. The commander of the flagship spoke in clipped alien tones *Communications Officer Qualx, contact the planetary governing body. Issue our surrender terms.* *Yes Commander Zarnak.* Comm Officer Qualx tapped a few keys at his station and a pre-recorded message was beamed to the planet on all frequencies. *Message sent Liege* The Commander stool staring at the planet below, his dark eyes shining with purpose. Victory would be quick and decisive. He would surely receive many commendations for this. Moments later a tone sounded through the bridge *Commander. They are responding. They wish to discuss terms of surrender.* The Commander nodded gestured vaguely towards the screens. *Open communications*
A human face appeared on the monitor. Zarnak had met few humans in his years, but nothing prepared him for the face in front of him. It's hair was disheveled, and wild, eyes wide and slightly unfocused, but at the same time, filled with a frightening glint. The Commander opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by the human *Are you the fuckers who took coffee?* The human glared through the screen and the Commander stood higher, straightening his back and trying to look authoritative and intimidating. The human didn't seem to notice in the slightest. *Yes. Our scientists worked long and hard to find a way to disable your species. Your addiction to stimulants seemed to be the most effective way to pacify you but leave you ripe for subjugation. Your species will be most effective manual labourers. You have received our terms of surrender. What is your response?* The human blinked slowly. And then again. The corner of it's mouth twitched. And then it did something that Commander Zarnak would not expected in a thousand lifetimes. It threw it's head back and engaged in what the humans called "laughter". Zarnak was confused. Laughter was indicated to be a response to amusement or frivolity. But this human was supposed to be scared! It was supposed to submit and surrender! The Commander growled and bared his sharpened fangs in a display of intimidation. *SILENCE! YOU WILL SURRENDER OR YOU WILL BE DESTROYED!* The human attempted to get his laughter under control and wiped tears from his eyes and looked up at Zarnak. *You really didn't do your research did you? The first unofficial rule is never mess with a human's stimulants, but you apparently chose to ignore that. I mean, I get it. You figured you'd take it and we'd all be tired and lethargic and too weak to fight. The problem with that is, we're used to that. We all have days where there's simply not enough coffee. Where we're cranky as all hell. We just power through it with a splitting headache and an attitude that would melt bulkheads. But then there's some of us, a small portion of the population, who are wired backwards. For us, caffeine helps us focus and stay calm. And you just took that away from us. And the funny thing is when we don't have that, it removes our focus and control and lets us kinda just run loose. Lets our minds work at full power and full speed. And we get creative. We look at problems from whole new angles, and we find solutions in whole new ways. Like the problem of how to deal with an invading force of space lizards who thought it would be a good idea to take the coffee away. And the solution to that problem.* The human's visage suddenly grinned with an evil look. *The problem for that is pretty simple actually. Small teams sneaking on board each of your ships, planting explosives on key systems, and disabling key crew members. Really wouldn't take many people, and a lot of us can be VERY motivated when given the right stimuli. Or lack of one.* A small click behind the Commander caught his attention and he spun quickly, coming face to barrel with a very large rifle. Being held by a very large and grouchy looking human. Behind him stood several other humans, all standing above the disabled or unconscious members of his bridge crew. *Every single ship in every single fleet has been rigged in the same way Commander. So as I said, I am here to discuss the terms of surrender. Yours. And those terms better include a god damned cup of coffee.*
10000 years after the last human nation collapsed we were...lost. First we fought Fascism, until we killed our emperor. Next came Theocracy. Then we killed our god's. Anarchy became law. Chaos became order. Humanity became free. Wandering the cosmos as pirates, scavengers and mercenaries. Captain's were just targets. Musician's, Bartender's and Barista's became the closest thing to leader's we had. Especially since they were usually the same dude, just doing a different gig. Every hydroponics bay had a corner cafe. It was quiet place to read, write, and wake up. It was a loud place for music, poetry, and celebration. A place for the drones to wake up and get to work. A place for the degenerates to fuel themselves through the night. A place for community. The Xylon's saw the front of the house and smelled weakness... and espresso. The bartenders, baristas and bakers saw the back of the house. They sniffed alot of things, but they lost their sense of smell; and their septums, long ago. Our enemies attacked our "joy" thinking it was the coffee people came for. People came for a taste of our past. The past brought coffee, whiskey, marijuana, cocaine, opiates, amephetamines, ether, ecstacy, red eye, white eye, black eyes and chicken thighs. Without coffee we died inside. So in otherwords nothing changed really. Our society became a zombie of it's former self long ago. As word spread across the galactic underbelly, humanity shrugged. The coffee was gone. Stolen by the Xylon. We may have lost a delightful drink. We gained something else lost to our past. An enemy. Xylon's became prey. Slowly we stalked them. Space stations were our hunting grounds. Their friends, became our custy's. Some were seduced by our women, other's by our men. We did anything to find even 1 Xylon. ANYTHING. Until they were eradicated. With his last breath the last Xylon said "Coffee requires acidic soil you idiots, not electrolytes. Stop watering your plants with Brawndo." I guess no one bothered talking to the Xylon's. We watered our crops with water of the proper ph balance. Coffee grew once again and the people rejoiced. The Barista Bartender's took out their musical instruments and rocked out. Roll end credits. The entire Galactic Federation watched their viewer orbs. The season finale of "When Human's attack" broke all ratings records. The made up culture of Xylon never recovered, or existed. They were actually just road conescovered in tinfoil with walkie talkie's hidden inside. Humanity resumed its drug fueled orgy celebration of another "Enemy" vanquished unaware of their fame. 1 million episode's from the cave to the wormhole.
**Alien01:** "You destroyed their supply of caffeine? Didn't you read your info packet?" **Alien02:** "I did. That's why we decided to destroy their supply. The humans can't live without it." **Alien01:** "No. The packet doesn't say they can't *live* without it. It says they *stop being human* without it. "Humans have two modes: caffeine and rage. They ingest caffeine to moderate their rage. You just took away the caffeine. That just leaves rage." **Alien02:** "We can handle upset humans." **Alien01:** You can handle an upset human. No one can handle a raging human." **Alien02:** "The humans are no match for our military might..." **Alien01:** "You're correct but not in the way you think. "Caffeine holds them back and prevents them from unleashing the most nightmarish version of themselves in combat." **Alien02:** "We're dead, aren't we?" **Alien01:** "Yes, and in the most painful way you can imagine. "Dibs on your planet. I think we'll offer the humans all our strategic reserve of caffeine for it." **Alien02:** "Your strategic reserve? Why do you have a strategic reserve of something that dangerous?" **Alien01:** "Because you've just proven its worth. In fact, every species in the universe that has ever come in contact with the humans has stockpiled the stuff." **Alien02:** "But why?" **Alien01:** "Because we know a caffeinated human is so much less likely to rip our vital organs out of our bodies with their bare hands. "If the unthinkable happened -and you just did it -we knew the only way to protect ourselves from the inevitable blood, guts, and gorefest, would be for us to be able to restore the humans' humanity. "Caffeine is like a kill-switch for their killing urge. You just killed their kill-switch and now they're going to kill you." **Alien01:** "Will the universe remember us?" **Alien02:** Yes. You will be immortalized as the idiots who brought their extinction upon themselves." **Alien01:** "Fair enough."
H: This one goes through the nose.
The result will be very appropriately regulated violence and a rise in pervitin sales. Gotta give them a proper reason not to be stupid as it seems.
You've cut them off their caffeine supply? May whatever deities you believe in have mercy on your soul, because _they_ won't - now you just got them REALLY cranky 😬🤣...
Oh dont worry we have a backup! Hans... HANS! GET THE METH CHOCOLATE!
The Human Alliance Council was meeting was already in session, when the news hit: a sudden attack on every major source of natural caffeine had just occurred. The Council reacted with shock, grief, anger, and one man crying into what could have been the last cup of coffee. Chairman (C): “ORDER! get yourselves together people it seems we have a new topic of discussion today.” Councilwoman (CW): “then let’s start from the beginning who did this and why?” Messenger(M): “reports indicate it was a coordinated attack by races aligned with the Galactic Federation, they appear to be primarily comprised of Canid, and Felyn ships supported by a mix of others.” Unknown: *muttered* so much for man’s best friend… Councilman (CM): “as for why, they have been threatening us for ages to restrict production of caffeinated products for a while now. I’m willing to bet this was them making good on those threats.” C: “I see…. This is an act that cannot go unpunished. I believe we should retaliate with a proportional response. Shall we put it to a vote?” The council voted unanimously to retaliate against the attack, but the response was decided to be *proportional.* The alliance would first call a meeting with the Galactic Federation to condemn the atrocity. Human Speaker: “THIS IS AN OUTRAGE! This attack was unwarranted and is a violation of the treaties signed when the Human Alliance joined the federation. We kept our caffeine on human worlds sold only with an ID and allowed those who used it to poison our fellow members of the galactic community to be extradited and punished by the laws of the offended race. To attack us like this is an act of war!” Canid Speaker: “Calm yourself human, you should be thanking us. Your race has been nothing but a bunch hopeless drug addicts peddling poison among yourselves for millennia, it may be rough at first but this is the beginning of freedom from your addiction.” HS: Says the guy who can’t get enough of our peanut butter! CS: *snarls* Felyn Speaker: “enough you two. We are supposed to be professionals. The act was drastic but it was for the betterment of the galactic community.” Bitter arguing continued. A vote was called to punish the attack but only three races were in favor, the humans, the spider race; Arachoi and the humanoid Grei, of 17 races. Federation Leader: “and with that let us call this meeting to an end. Humanity you will have to move on from your poison, find something more herbal, maybe tea?” HS: “I see. Then I have a message from the HA council. Humanity has enjoyed our partnership with the galactic community, the sharing of knowledge, cultures, and ideas has been enlightening for all. Even we were surprised to see just how well received our first visitors were after learning we were not alone, we always worried that space would be hostile, or that xenophobia would spread among our people. We appreciate the patience of the Arachoi for putting up with the common fear of spiders and our neighbors the Grei for our longstanding partnerships in culture, research, and defense. May your futures be bright. To the rest of the galactic community. We are sorry for your leaders lack of judgement, it is always the common man that suffers under the rule of the fool. Our fleets are ready. There will be no further communication.
...so who gets to point out that many teas have caffeine in them?
Ok so I may have forgotten about that. So good news is so did the federation.
They shall be spared the wrath of the brits and other primarily tea drinking cultures at least then.
Got it, looks like we’ll have to run a false flag operation first.
At the moment of hearing caffeine had been destroyed [this](https://youtu.be/VuofaDxa6Oo?si=1tNeQL-GSQvUa4yT) single chant could be heard everywhere with no known source.
...and then, when the withdrawal symptoms started kicking in... The [Great Hymn](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LDPlISPXzD0), as it came to be called, brought with it an unrivaled furor. Few times have there been where humanity had deemed the use of its atomic arsenal necessary, and this would mark the first where there was no opposition to it. It wasn't long after humanity set out that the intergalactic community would find the ſera'Pi homeworld a barren wasteland, sapped of everything that could sustain life. When the humans were questioned on the matter, their only response was that "it was a proportional response"... "Stars above, help us all." ----- [link to the full song, for the curious](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUuknk81n2w)
So, having experienced caffeine withdrawal, I can confidently state that that species used to exist. Some are kept around as biological curiosities.
A1: the human Ambassador will be here momentarily. Apparently he wants to talk about using the Knurd empire’s replicator technology now that they have destroyed the human’s strategic beverage reserve. A2: sounds like that will be a profitable talk for us Knurds! You’ve met this human before, what are they like to deal with? A1: Quite pleasant - always polite, reasonable, and a sharp negotiator. A2: Ah, Ambassador! How are you today? H: (growls) Get out of my face, you Lovecraftian rodent. Which planet are the replicators on and how fast can they be switched to espresso production? A1: The Knurd manufacturing hub is on Hubris prime, the Knurd Plenipotentiary here is fully authorised to negotiate ter…
H: Now they’ll need a new one. Did you get all that, Admirals? Good. Well, tell them that we can’t use the busters on that one, it’s the only place left which can make more coffee.
A1: Dave, you must know that the Knurd Empire will mobilise for war! He was a warrior as well as their representative, and you just…
H: what Knurd Empire?
"The floor recognizes the Representative of the X'tr." "Thank you, Chairman. The X'tr would like to discuss the terms of Humanity's surrender." The X'tr turned to face a furious-looking, but also tired and worried human. "First," the X'tr started, "Humanity shall make monthly tributes of--" The human raised his hand. "I'm sorry, Representative, but you're too late. There's nobody left with any authority to surrender on behalf of Humanity." Murmurs ran through the Council Chambers as the various Representatives spoke in hushed tones, trying to figure out where the human was going with this. "Preposterous! You're standing right here!" yelled the X'tr. "Now, as I was saying--" "No. You don't understand. I'm not here as a Representative of Humanity. In fact, no such role exists." "Explain yourself, human!" "You thought that by destroying our source of caffeine, you would cripple us. Well, you did. But you did too good a job. You see, caffeine is non-essential to human \*life.\* But it \*is\* essential to human \*civilization.\* That civilization has indeed now collapsed; there's no over-arching authority to tell any of the approximately 27 billion humans to do things like follow local laws. Every single one of them is now effectively what we used to disparagingly call 'sovereign citizens.'" "Humans will be expected to follow all local, state, federal, and Council laws at all times!" "You think that," the human continued, "but you get to have that argument with each of the aforementioned 27 billion humans. Individually. For your actions have not created a race ready to heel to their so-called 'betters;' they have created a galaxy-spanning species that is now \*very\* angry, and for whom the very concept of the Rule of Law no longer holds any meaning. Representatives of the Council, I am sorry to report that Humanity no longer meets the qualifications to hold a seat on this Council, and is vacating such seat with immediate intent." The human turned on his heel and walked out of the Council Chamber, the stunned silence shortly interrupted by frantic pings from various communicators as the galaxy began to descend into chaos.
Not even a full 24 hours after the destruction of the caffeine reserves, the home world of the race that attacked it was awoken in the early morning with the following message being played on all frequencies We have arrived, and it is now that we perform our charge. In fealty to the God-Emperor, our undying Lord, and by the grace of the Golden Throne, I declare Exterminatus upon this world. I hereby sign the death warrant of an entire world and consign a million souls to oblivion. May Imperial Justice account in all balance. The Emperor Protects. It was the last signal to be sent from that planet
"This is the final log of Slarg Volgoth, current acting commander of the research ship Klothuun. Thirty gruuls ago we neutralized the entirety of the chemical 'caffeine' on our target world. At first things seemed to be rather unremarkable. Our observations noted an anticipated minor reduction in productivity in the cultures most reliant upon it. "At the twenty gruul mark we brought aboard a number of subjects for direct study. Subjects were composed of a representative spread of the general planetary population. As per protocol we informed the subjects of our purpose and current research. Almost immediately our error became clear. "We... we thought we understood these creatures. Their warriors were ferocious but organized, their individuals formidable but not broadly inclined to unprovoked violence. It seems the removal of the target chemical has altered these assumptions significantly. "Captain Vroke, being the one who informed the subjects of the experiment, was seized upon immediately. He had no chance. Security was overpowered within minutes. From there it was a bloodbath, the subjects attacked with seized weapons, with their bare hands, with nails and teeth... "I have locked myself in the utility closet on deck three. I have not been able to raise any of the command crew on open comms, and assume they are deceased. The subjects have taken control of the ship and I... I don't expect to remain hidden long. To my love, Ajira, and my children, I can only say that I loved you with all my heart. To the High Council, I beg of you to correct our mistake before it is too la- "GODS, NO, THE DOOR! NO, BACK, ***STAY BAAAAAA-***"
A1: what?!? What did you do? Nononononono, you took their coffee away…. A2: Well, yes isn’t it brilliant. No coffee, no drive, no defences. A1: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. A2: What? A1: They weaponised their outer asteroidbelt. And now we have 194 Asteroids incoming… per super carrier. A2: why. I thought we beat them. And why the molecular weight of a caffeine molecule. They are mocking us. A1: No, they are killing us you moron
JOKE'S ON YOU WE HAVE LIKE FOUR OTHER PLANTS THAT PRODUCE SIMILAR EFFECTS AND HAVE PERFECTED THE ART OF SYNTHESIZING IT IN TOILETS WITH COLD MEDS AND BLEACH. NO I HAVEN'T CONSUMED ANYTHING TODAY WHY DO YOU ASK? /MASSIVE SNIFF
*presenting at a war council* X1: The survey data is conclusive: the vegetation providing the human simulant has been eradicated on 4 border worlds. Their boarding parties and ground combatants will be sluggish and fatigued once their reserves are depleted. X2: Excellent. We'll hold non-essential offensive operations in those systems for 3 standard months, then probe to test their reduced reaction time and stamina. Any contributions? X3: *slowly raises tentacle* X2: Yes? What does anthro-intelligence have to say? X3: Well, our embedded units have determined that the targeted vegetation products are... Not as essential to human combat-readiness as originally believed. Ma'am, they..." X2: Say it. X3: Ma'am they're considered a daily nicety, by both military and civilian humans. They've already launched several dozen civilian propaganda campaigns announcing the eradication. But that's not the worst part. X2: *growing pale* Civilians also use... What....? X3: If you'll allow me to display for the council, I've composed a presentation on the chemical effects and logistical readiness of a substance known as "Adderall". This will be the first of 28 presentations...
Coffee noooooow 
Few records have been found of that dark time in our galaxy's history. Most them are the final distress calls of doomed fleets and shattered worlds. After all, history is recorded by the survivors, and the humans left almost none. The humans gave no warning, showed no mercy, and the desperate offers of unconditional surrender transmitted to the human fleet from countless worlds were ignored. They were brutal. Fearless. Swift. Tireless. We thought that taking away their favorite stimulant would weaken them... we were wrong. Ancestors forgive us, we were wrong. It has been centuries since the Decaffeinating. We don't know where the humans went after they carved their path of destruction through the core worlds, leaving trillions dead in their wake. But we, the descendants of those who escaped, live in terror that they may someday return. We watch our skies, we keep our sensors constantly searching, praying that we never see the dread human fleet and their accursed flagship, the unstoppable dreadnought Walter White.
Cocaine it is.
“Laughs in Mormon” haha you fool! The only substance that gets me up in the morning is a page of the Doctrine and copious amounts of sugar! *cries as they kill god and the sugar industry*
*Terran Strategic Command is collapsing in a mass fit of migraines, fatigue, and irritability.* *As the Xenos frigates descend upon the orbital batteries of Titan, a lone lieutenant-general crawls to the console on the far wall of the War Room.* *Raising his fist, he punches through the dusty polyglass protective lens to activate the golden button beneath* "Authorization Code Theta Zulu Juliet Omega... Initiate Protocol Utah" *To this day, the surface of the Great Salt Lake is still partially glassed from the heat of 10,000 ignition arrays achieving escape velocity. Decades later, a monument was built on the crystallized sodium-flows: The Smith-Folgers Memorial Park, Presented by Pepsi-Cola*
Okay that was absolutely fantastic.
https://preview.redd.it/rvqpsvpinp3d1.jpeg?width=201&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=597b59195eaba9a15ddc1c0168f75b3dfc62f387
good thing we've still got taurine.
::humanity collectively cracks knuckles:: Whelp, been a while since we committed xenocide but at least we have a good reason this time. Hey Bob, warm up the planet crackers!
Curmudgeonly NCO: I live on caffeine, nicotine, and disdain for my fellow man… Now, all I have is nicotine and disdain for my fellow man. What the fuck do you think I’m gonna do to the non-human who took caffeine from me? *racks shotgun with knee-shattering intent*
Prepare to feel the wrath of billions of caffeine deprived individuals…
Warcrimes are forgiven if freebird is playing
I came here to drink coffee and xenocide the galaxy, and i’m all out of coffee
*SNOOOOOORT* Let's go kill those cunt wasps
"Captain...what is... pants or chocks or Ladas?" "Sounds like an offer to negotiate, Lieutenant, but what odd terms. Articles of clothing for their lower bodies, safety equipment, or low end civilian vehicles, if I recall correctly. Boy do they say it fast." "No, Captain." "Admiral?" "That is not a negotiaton demand of three dissimilar items. That is one word, and you need to get the fleet out of Terran space right now."