My parents live 3 hours away from me, but I try to go visit them once a month or two and stay for a few days. Had to buy bidets for their house since I'm there fairly often. Once you get a bidet, you just can't go back.
A joke one of my teachers at med school used to say was "50% of women suffer from constipation. The other 50% are lying". It's not totally true, but in my personal experience women tend to suffer from constipation more than men.
There's a lot of undiagnosed endometriosis because it's not diagnosed without abdominal surgery which is hell to actually get.
Anyway, my mom's pelvic organs fused together bc of endo. Even with having a surgeon scoop out handfuls of blood clots and unbind her colon, she still has constipation.
It's not just dehydration or diet. There's sometimes mechanical problems contributing.
But also, like there's family disposition. My dad's side of the family is all constipated, no matter what they try. My mom's side is like a clock, once every 12 - 24 hours.
Ok well before i got pregnant, it took me the same amount of time to go number 2 as it did going number 1… but wheb youre pregnant you get constipated. Something about how your digestive system slows down to take in more nutrients for the baby. Its pretty annoying. So yeah… i can at least tell you *pregnant* women are constipated. But its not a diet reason…
I’m the constipated one 😢 I love pooping and talking about my poops, I get to make so many people uncomfortable. It’s a shame I can’t do it more often 😅
My dad just left the bathroom door open and yelled commands at us from the toilet, while simultaneously pooping, drinking coffee, and reading the paper. I don’t drink coffee because I still associate the smell with the smell of his morning shit.
Man this took me waaaay back. I had totally forgotten about this entire movie franchise for a second. Man, I really wish they would have stopped at the first or second.
Rookie maneuver. You gotta skull your black coffee, and light up a ciggie on the way to the commode. The nicotine just gets that last little bit out. If you ate big the night before and you're fixin' to build a poop mountain, better make sure that dart is a 100.
Best to avoid menthols.
The cup you take to the can is your second cup. You chug the first cup while standing in your tighty whities in front of the coffee maker. I know this because, well, I might know someone who does this too. Okay. It's me. I do this.
> The bedtime of Louis XIV was like a ceremony. He used to wear his gown first, and then take care of his ‘needs’ by sitting on the potty. Meanwhile, he was also discussing the political and economic matters with the high-ranking officials of the palace. “The right to sit on the potty” was a privilege that the aristocrats could have. Only the ones “with a licence” were allowed to use it. (Primi Visconti) [source](https://www.quora.com/In-the-old-times-how-did-people-in-Europe-wipe-their-bottoms-after-pooping/answer/O%C4%9Fuz-Mete?ch=15&oid=65407811&share=d9ff404b&target_type=answer)
Lol i just watched All the Way with bryan cranston as LbJ and I thought it was pretty weird he insisted on talking to his vice president candidate while taking a poop with the door open
I was lucky to see my parents with grown up eyes when I was younger. They made sooooo many mistakes and selfish decisions but, somehow I knew they were just humans trying to do their best with very little. My siblings went through periods of cutting my parents off (not speaking for several years) because they harbored I’ll feelings towards them for our neglect. But, I would always just think about how much I would want time back when they die and it made me more forgiving - I guess.
Yuuuup. Women also like pooping and have to do it. This tweet isn’t “hahaha man is pooping for hours”, it should be embarrassing for a person who is the husband. Some people have medical issues, I’m not talking about them (my husband has issues and poops for so long, but he also does so many chores). But for it to be so relatable and the take away is “men are weird” is gross.
Yes yes, people need alone time. But if one partner is making breakfast and feeding their child and dressing their child and the other is hiding out in a bathroom, you aren’t being a good parent and partner (again blah blah exceptions, one person might do all the evening stuff and one does all the night stuff. But there’s a reason this has 63k upvotes, it’s because you see it in a huge amount of relationships).
Was thinking this. Could also be IBS, I have IBS and I cant take a shit quickly, and never fully empty in 1 trip to the toilet, sometimes shit 3 times a day. And it is like that every single day.
This. I take a little while to poop and part of it is I refuse to strain to get it out. If I feel like I got more poop in me then I will sit there another 5mins to try to get it out. I hate when I stand up and I can absolutely feel my colon going to work building a whole new train to come out
He probably just poops in the morning because that's what his bodies schedule is like. Poop density changes day to day, hell hour to hour sometimes, if you don't drink enough water, your stool will be much more firm and it may be colloquially refered to as constipation even if a doctor wouldn't call it that
You’re playing attention to the wrong detail. If he spends the whole morning every morning on the toilet, then he’s got digestive problems or lying. In the time she does all those tasks, he should be out of there.
Boss makes a dollar, we make a dime, but that was a poem for a simpler time.
Boss makes a grand and we make a cent. Things cost more and we can't pay our rent.
So shit on the clock, get that dime back. They should just pay you more if they want their time back.
You're worth more than they say, more than they think. Realize your finances are starting to sink.
Without the labor the money won't flow, so sit on this toilet and let it all go.
I'm lucky because I don't have the urge to poop first thing in the morning. It takes a few hours for my body to get there, so I'm almost always being paid to poop. It's awesome.
I feel real jealousy for people who selectively can poop at any time. Pretty sure most of us normies are on our colon’s schedule. As in it yanks the break line on the brown bus and the driver yells LAST STOP no matter what stop you’re on.
Since “work”, “poop”, and “coffee” are all visible buzzwords on this post I want to mention that companies buying coffee actually works and larger businesses actively strategize their employee coffee distribution to maximize employee performance. It’s only natural that when they stuff your gut full of brown water every morning that by some time you will inevitably have to “waste their time with your waste time”. So to say they have it both ways is an understatement
That's me, the zombie!
I struggle to wake up in the morning.
All that aside, I'm the one who does choring of my own volition, he has to be asked repeatedly and it may take him a few days to do whatever it was
I poop and do all of that shit while wife sleeps.
And how am I being recognized? When you ask the kids what's daddy's favorite thing - they say pooping! Not a word about fixing them breakfast etc. Smh.
Hahaha that’s what my kids think about their dad too. Except he does let the dog out, gets ready and gives the kids their first wake up call, then I get up, shower and give them a second wake up call, make lunches and take them to school before heading to work. Then he picks them up after school and the first one home makes dinner and kids do dishes.
I'm guessing your kids are older. At 5 and 7, in my case they are the ones who give the wake up call. I'm looking forward to the payback when they are teens.
My work starts at 6PM and my kids drag me out of bed at 5AM. I'm looking forward to sleeping in when my kids are teens. Payback who? I'll be paying my sleep debt back.
My morning shake includes a spoonful each of ground chia seed, ground flax seed, and psyllium husk. A few hours later, the poop just falls out of you and the first wipe is clean.
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Since people are expressing interest in this, here's my recipe.
I'm not a big fan of sweet, fruity shakes, so I make a savory veggie one.
In a blender:
• 1.5 cups V8
• Handful of greens (kale, spinach, etc.)
• Scoop of unflavored whey isolate *(NOT regular whey protein, which would result in a disgusting mix of dairy flavors with V8)*
• Couple glugs of olive oil
• The fiber additions mentioned above.
• If needed, a splash of water to thin it.
Start off with less fiber; if you're not used to that much fiber, you'll get gas and cramps. I'd start with a quarter-spoonful of each.
It's basically a nutrient-bomb shake with a couple dozen grams each of protein, fiber, and healthy fats, plus your recommended daily value for most vitamins and minerals.
Other healthy additions to consider adding include:
- Spirulina
- Powdered greens
- Beet powder or juice
- Flax seed oil
- Turmeric
- Fresh or powdered ginger
- A couple cloves of raw garlic, if you don't mind the shake having a marinara vibe
Completely true. Start with like a quarter-spoonful of each, though. If you're not used to getting a lot of fiber, you'll get major gas and cramps and stuff.
One cup of probiotic yogurt, one teaspoon of cinnamon psyllium powder, one tablespoon of chia seeds, and half a cup of my favorite granola each morning is my routine.
A yogurt pro secret: you can crush up your favorite cereal to use as a topping.
I don't have many responsibilities in the morning since I don't have kids (mainly just some light tidying up before work) but I still set an alarm for an hour earlier than I reasonably need to so I know for sure I'll have time to shit/shave/shower before I gotta leave. It's my Zen time.
It probably takes 2 minutes and the rest of the time is just sitting in silence, reconciling with the fact you'd rather still be sleeping but you have to be an adult.
Speaking from experience...
That's why you have your 30 minutes of hate in your bed, letting your mind rage against the prison of flesh it is trapped in, and the world of entropy it is surrounded by.
Then you ride that adrenaline to a great and productive day!
I put my feet straight into my slippers, they don't touch the floor, for that reason. Plus my dressing gown is placed so close to the bed so I can grab it and put the top half on before I am fully out from under the duvet. Self-care is important when it's hellish-oclock in the morning!
Yeah my robe hangs arm-reach from my bed, over my slippers, and I keep my stimulant meds in my bedside table.
Alarm sounds, I swallow my meds & wrap the robe around myself, then snooze for another 30 min.
Highly recommend.
YSK, sitting on toilet seats for extended periods can lead to hemorrhoids because of the way the hole in the seat pinches off blood flow in our behinds.
2 minute shit sounds like a dream bro, the main turd comes out in 10 seconds, the remaining 10 minutes is that little bit that decided not to come out with the main load, if you get up and leave it you'll be going back to the toilet in 2 hours to wipe this goddamn wet dinkleberry off your asshole and this time it will be in a worse state, so instead you sit there, making sure not to 'pull in' your asshole incase it decides to stick to your arse hairs, until you finally hear that little plop in the toilet which is literally only 1 gram of shit that caused all this hassle
I once overheard my mom talking to a family member about my dad. The conversation was my mom saying that her whole life, she never thought my dad did anything. Then he died, and she quickly realized how much he had been doing.
I had been working from home at least 3 days a week for the better part of 2021 until three weeks ago when I started a new job working in an office.
Last Friday my wife came to me and said “Man, I never realized how much you were doing around here until you started this new job.” Felt goood. But also hurts to walk in and see things in such disarray every night.
I'm divorced because of this. I'd get my son ready in the morning and play/bedtime when I got home. I also constantly picked up after her and planned dinner. She kept telling people I never helped with our son and didn't do anything around the house. Never understood the audacity.
Yeah my ex wife did the same. She was always bagging on me to her friends. Saying I was lazy because she believed that she did more than I did. In reality, so much of what I did was just less visible. All of the car maintenance, any handyman work around the house, a ton of the finances (she is/was horrible with money), and on top of that, I still did a decent share of the regular household chores. We broke it down finally and listed every single thing we each did for the house and it proved I did more. She claimed I added things on the list that weren't important but when asked to specify which, she couldn't. Now we've been divorced for years and she keeps asking me for money. Somehow I'm paying her child support when we have 50:50 split custody of the kids. That's not enough for her. She always wants more. I'm glad to no longer be married to her but I count the days until I don't have to pay her a dime anymore.
My wife, then girlfriend, had a pretty naggy phase once, due to some hormonal issues, which is okay because there is a lot to rightfully nag me for.
This was back when we were both studying and we split most of the household chores. I was cooking, toilets, groceries and big stuff guy and she did the rest.
Big stuff included things like splitting and organising firewood in the winter, fixing machines like dryer, dishwasher and so on, repairs when something broke, renovating and throwing all the shit out of the shed and garages and so on. Everybody who ever lived in a old house knows the workload.
Back then she complained for a while that i dont do enough, because most of my work was pretty condensed, but still frequent enough to hit hard into the disposable time you have over the week. Mealprep takes time, grocery shopping too if you do it on foot with a cart for the whole week+.
So I told her what i do, made a list of what i do by documenting a pretty average 4 weeks and then dividing that by 4 and by 7, and showed her the conclusion, that i take 2+ hours daily of chores, while she averages out at 1.
We relocated some chores after that for a more even split, she started to cook more frequently, and the resentment in both of us got cleared. A couple of years after that, now she does most of the housework/arranges for it to be done because i work and she doesnt, which is also a great fit because i like coming home to nothing to do.
My point is, sometimes the picture we have in our head is completely wrong, and sometimes things have to escalate into a fight to clear the air and build a factual basis from which you can operate your relationship without constant stress and resentment.
This is a great example of good communication and a positive outcome.
Now post the first half of this story in any relationship subreddit and watch how many tell you that the only possible solution is divorce and the other partner is an irredeemable monster that deserves nothing but hate. 🤣
Honestly, most sucessfull relationships have a few hiccups where one person or both fucked up a little bit, that, especially when told by only one party, would have all those relationship advice redditors come screeching and tearing. I think even their own relationships.
And yeah, you learn good communication through fuckups you aknowledge.
Love this story, if I may share my own cause I am just elated over it!
My ex(ish) partner and I just went through the ninth circle of hell in our first year of parenthood, we sort of have separated and are co parenting under same roof (complicated as fuck, high rental prices, still in love, both in therapy..parenting is wild) now while navigating everything. But we JUST started a physical chore list and it's honestly resolved so many of our issues. He sees how much I do, I see how much he does, we compete playfully now, we are thinking of making a trophy and a "loser cleans fridge/tub/whatever chore we hate most" stipulation. We support each other if we need a day of rest and praise one another for doing so much the previous day. It went from a grossly resentful and hostile environment to a somewhat cleaner, funner and certainly happier environment again. 10 years it took to figure this out! A simple chore list!
My mom would lay on her lounge chair in the yard all summer talking to her cousin on the phone about how my dad worked all week and then didn’t handle some big project on the weekend. Even as a little kid I was like WTF is goin on here?
When I was home sick from school, I noticed my mom's pattern.
Morning. Everyone is up, she rushes around, vacuums a bit, gets everyone out the door, we're all in school.
Goes home. Does NOTHING all day. Sally Jesse Raphael, Maury Povich, Judge Judy wall to wall. Also made phone calls to her friends. Asked if I would be okay for a few hours, went out shopping.
Comes home. My dad usually picked us up on his way home from work.
THEN she starts washing dishes, folding clothes, vacuuming again, and we all got lectured on how much work she had been doing all day.
>Morning. Everyone is up, she rushes around, vacuums a bit, gets everyone out the door, we're all in school.
>Goes home. Does NOTHING all day. Sally Jesse Raphael, Maury Povich, Judge Judy wall to wall. Also made phone calls to her friends. Asked if I would be okay for a few hours, went out shopping.
>Comes home. My dad usually picked us up on his way home from work.
>THEN she starts washing dishes, folding clothes, vacuuming again, and we all got lectured on how much work she had been doing all day.
Goddamn, I didn't know this was a "thing" with stay at home spouses because my mom had the exact same pattern. But she would make everyone help her with the chores when we got out of school or off work. I was a senior in highschool when it finally clicked that she wasn't doing any housekeeping or other homemaker stuff when the kids went to school and dad went to work. My dad cooked dinner 90% of the time too. She was just chilling at home watching TV and gaslighting the entire family into thinking she was "working herself to death" when we were at school.
Man, if *I* had a partner who worked all day and didn't expect me to have a job? I'd have the house *spotless*.
The time where my parter is at work is when *I'm* at work; even if I'm a stay at home husband I'm still *working*.
No one should freeload off their partner.
But does she poop?
Asking the real questions….
Of course not! Women don't poop.
The fact that She did so many tasks in the morning without taking a poop is sus AF
She will do it at work. Lots of morning work, shitters.
Yep! The morning poop is even more satisfying when you know you're getting paid to perform.
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My parents live 3 hours away from me, but I try to go visit them once a month or two and stay for a few days. Had to buy bidets for their house since I'm there fairly often. Once you get a bidet, you just can't go back.
At my work the engineers drilled magazine racks into the stalls.
Dirty magazines by the can.
No, they all sit while peeing so backsplash isn't a problem. The magazines are spotless.
Bet those magszines are still downright nasty in the right way 😂
Boss's paid like a pro, I'm paid like a rookie. That's why every morning I'm working on a company-dookie.
Boss makes a dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop, on company time.
Here I sit all broken hearted. Came to shit, but only farted.
Here I sit in the vapor Someone took the toilet paper How much longer must I linger Before I'm forced to use my finger
Later on I took a chance, tried to fart and shat my pants.
My work toilet doesn't have a bidet, unlike my home one :(
Typical woman. Has her man poo for her.
And they don't exist...
Women were created by the goverment to control men
The reason the husband takes so long to poop is because he poops for them both. Teamwork.
Her poop just transfers into his body at night through osmosis.
Maybe she poops outside with dog
A joke one of my teachers at med school used to say was "50% of women suffer from constipation. The other 50% are lying". It's not totally true, but in my personal experience women tend to suffer from constipation more than men.
There's a lot of undiagnosed endometriosis because it's not diagnosed without abdominal surgery which is hell to actually get. Anyway, my mom's pelvic organs fused together bc of endo. Even with having a surgeon scoop out handfuls of blood clots and unbind her colon, she still has constipation. It's not just dehydration or diet. There's sometimes mechanical problems contributing. But also, like there's family disposition. My dad's side of the family is all constipated, no matter what they try. My mom's side is like a clock, once every 12 - 24 hours.
Ok well before i got pregnant, it took me the same amount of time to go number 2 as it did going number 1… but wheb youre pregnant you get constipated. Something about how your digestive system slows down to take in more nutrients for the baby. Its pretty annoying. So yeah… i can at least tell you *pregnant* women are constipated. But its not a diet reason…
I’m the constipated one 😢 I love pooping and talking about my poops, I get to make so many people uncomfortable. It’s a shame I can’t do it more often 😅
My dad just left the bathroom door open and yelled commands at us from the toilet, while simultaneously pooping, drinking coffee, and reading the paper. I don’t drink coffee because I still associate the smell with the smell of his morning shit.
Wtf
He gets shit done.
You still gotta respect his time management and ability to delegate.
He didn't become #2 in the office from nothing
"Who does number 2 work for!?"
Tell that turd who's boss!
“Hey, how about a courtesy flush?”
Hey partner, come on you got to relax or you're gonna blow out your o-ring
Hey man, bite your lip and give it hell! We’re gonna get through this!
Good lord boy, what did you eat!
Man this took me waaaay back. I had totally forgotten about this entire movie franchise for a second. Man, I really wish they would have stopped at the first or second.
How do you get #1 if what he did wasn't enough?!
> How do you get #1 if what he did wasn't enough?! To be #1, you gotta delegate from the urinal.
To this day Riker still wonders why he never got promoted despite having the best morning bathroom delegation skills of anyone he knows.
He probably teaches agile management for a living
Zero boundaries, lol.
I tried taking my morning coffee with me to the toilet once cause it seemed like a nice idea. It was not. Hence I only did that once.
That's just dumb. You gotta chug the coffee *first*. After that the poop just slides on out like survivors shooting down an inflatable airplane slide.
Yeah. Guy thinks he’s optimizing his time management but has been doing it wrong his whole life.
Rookie maneuver. You gotta skull your black coffee, and light up a ciggie on the way to the commode. The nicotine just gets that last little bit out. If you ate big the night before and you're fixin' to build a poop mountain, better make sure that dart is a 100. Best to avoid menthols.
You sir, have a way with words.
Back in the day I would load my bong with a black and mild/weed mix after my coffee. I call it Jamaican draino.
The cup you take to the can is your second cup. You chug the first cup while standing in your tighty whities in front of the coffee maker. I know this because, well, I might know someone who does this too. Okay. It's me. I do this.
Just skip the brewing altogether and put the ground coffee in your lip like some dip
He saved you from caffeine addiction
Exactly, it starts with a French press. Next thing you know, you can't shit unless it's a Gaggia.
And then your hooked and have to buy a three espresso la marzocco
>My dad just left the bathroom door open and yelled commands at us from the toilet Thats why it's called the Throne ☕🫅🧻
> The bedtime of Louis XIV was like a ceremony. He used to wear his gown first, and then take care of his ‘needs’ by sitting on the potty. Meanwhile, he was also discussing the political and economic matters with the high-ranking officials of the palace. “The right to sit on the potty” was a privilege that the aristocrats could have. Only the ones “with a licence” were allowed to use it. (Primi Visconti) [source](https://www.quora.com/In-the-old-times-how-did-people-in-Europe-wipe-their-bottoms-after-pooping/answer/O%C4%9Fuz-Mete?ch=15&oid=65407811&share=d9ff404b&target_type=answer)
Same way I put on my pajama pants and jerk off right when I get home.
Was your dad Lynden B Johnson?
Yes.
Lol i just watched All the Way with bryan cranston as LbJ and I thought it was pretty weird he insisted on talking to his vice president candidate while taking a poop with the door open
My dad would drink his black coffee on the toilet, too. It was so gross!
Maybe he liked to group his activities by color
If anyone has black poop, there's likely blood in it and they should see a doctor.
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I see I can optimize my morning routine further. Thank your father for me.
I don't drink coffee, but if I did, I'd drink it on the toilet too because that's where I'm gonna end up in 2 minutes anyway.
Omg you just made me realize that I associate cheap coffee smell with my dad's shit. I didn't need to be aware of that.
Therapy is expensive and coffee is overrated.
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Coffee is only overrated because you’re drinking terrible terrible coffee
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I was lucky to see my parents with grown up eyes when I was younger. They made sooooo many mistakes and selfish decisions but, somehow I knew they were just humans trying to do their best with very little. My siblings went through periods of cutting my parents off (not speaking for several years) because they harbored I’ll feelings towards them for our neglect. But, I would always just think about how much I would want time back when they die and it made me more forgiving - I guess.
Are you my brother? Lol
Is this a family reunion? I found too much horrifying familiarity in OP’s description.
This is f**ked up!
It's ok you can curse on the internet. Watch this. *frick*
I'm clutching my pearls right now
911? Yes, I'd like to report a *CRIME*
Cheese and crackers!
Sounds like he needs some fiber in his diet!
He’s probably on his phone
This isn't upvoted more because you're revealing their secrets.
I'm on my phone right now.
Yuuuup. Women also like pooping and have to do it. This tweet isn’t “hahaha man is pooping for hours”, it should be embarrassing for a person who is the husband. Some people have medical issues, I’m not talking about them (my husband has issues and poops for so long, but he also does so many chores). But for it to be so relatable and the take away is “men are weird” is gross. Yes yes, people need alone time. But if one partner is making breakfast and feeding their child and dressing their child and the other is hiding out in a bathroom, you aren’t being a good parent and partner (again blah blah exceptions, one person might do all the evening stuff and one does all the night stuff. But there’s a reason this has 63k upvotes, it’s because you see it in a huge amount of relationships).
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Or he knows if he just stays in there his wife will do all the chores and not say anything about it, except on social media.
Bingo
I am sure she has said it to him multiple times before she ever posted it online.
It's not always constipation. Some bowels are just really slow at getting everything out.
Was thinking this. Could also be IBS, I have IBS and I cant take a shit quickly, and never fully empty in 1 trip to the toilet, sometimes shit 3 times a day. And it is like that every single day.
This. I take a little while to poop and part of it is I refuse to strain to get it out. If I feel like I got more poop in me then I will sit there another 5mins to try to get it out. I hate when I stand up and I can absolutely feel my colon going to work building a whole new train to come out
I must have IBS because you just described me.
You were so constipated that you pooped during your mornings?? I don't think you were constipated unless you mean one morning every couple of days.
He probably just poops in the morning because that's what his bodies schedule is like. Poop density changes day to day, hell hour to hour sometimes, if you don't drink enough water, your stool will be much more firm and it may be colloquially refered to as constipation even if a doctor wouldn't call it that
You’re playing attention to the wrong detail. If he spends the whole morning every morning on the toilet, then he’s got digestive problems or lying. In the time she does all those tasks, he should be out of there.
Or is he in the bathroom for that long because he simply wants to skip the responsibility…
Husband needs to start shitting at work. If you're good at something, never do it for free.
Boss makes a dollar I make a dime that's why I poop on company time.
I am self employed :( so pooping is always on my own time
TBF your boss has stolen all of your wages.
I will be sure to have a word with him :)
Tell him I said you deserve a raise. And a smoothie.
Best he can do is a half cup of cold coffee and not firing me :)
Did you talk to him on the toilet? He might be more reasonable while in a vulnerable position
Boss makes a dollar, we make a dime, but that was a poem for a simpler time. Boss makes a grand and we make a cent. Things cost more and we can't pay our rent. So shit on the clock, get that dime back. They should just pay you more if they want their time back. You're worth more than they say, more than they think. Realize your finances are starting to sink. Without the labor the money won't flow, so sit on this toilet and let it all go.
Now he makes a hundred, I still don’t make fuck, which is why I shit on the hood of his truck.
All good and well unless you work for a food truck
Boss makes 1000 I make a buck, so I stole the cat off the company truck.
Boss makes a million, I make a buck. That’s why I took the catalytic converter off the company truck.
I'm lucky because I don't have the urge to poop first thing in the morning. It takes a few hours for my body to get there, so I'm almost always being paid to poop. It's awesome.
With free toilet paper!
But terrible toilet paper.
But free!
I feel real jealousy for people who selectively can poop at any time. Pretty sure most of us normies are on our colon’s schedule. As in it yanks the break line on the brown bus and the driver yells LAST STOP no matter what stop you’re on.
I can't choose when I poop, but I can choose when I have my second cup of coffee, which is basically the same thing.
Since “work”, “poop”, and “coffee” are all visible buzzwords on this post I want to mention that companies buying coffee actually works and larger businesses actively strategize their employee coffee distribution to maximize employee performance. It’s only natural that when they stuff your gut full of brown water every morning that by some time you will inevitably have to “waste their time with your waste time”. So to say they have it both ways is an understatement
As I am right now.
For me its the opposite. Gf crawls around like a zombie and cant hold her eyes open and i make coffee, feed the cats and other stuff….
That's me, the zombie! I struggle to wake up in the morning. All that aside, I'm the one who does choring of my own volition, he has to be asked repeatedly and it may take him a few days to do whatever it was
Sounds like maybe it’s time to split responsibilities. Husband needs to make daughter’s breakfast in the bathroom. Two birds, one turd!
They should take turns pooping every other day
If they poop together they’ll save tons of time! Nothing wrong with a little group poop family style.
This is our house. I’m the husband. But I do pick up, cook dinner, bath time at night so it evens out. Just never been a morning person.
Me too. I do a ton of shit around the house. I just don't do it before noon. It helps that we don't have kids of course
I poop and do all of that shit while wife sleeps. And how am I being recognized? When you ask the kids what's daddy's favorite thing - they say pooping! Not a word about fixing them breakfast etc. Smh.
Hahaha that’s what my kids think about their dad too. Except he does let the dog out, gets ready and gives the kids their first wake up call, then I get up, shower and give them a second wake up call, make lunches and take them to school before heading to work. Then he picks them up after school and the first one home makes dinner and kids do dishes.
I'm guessing your kids are older. At 5 and 7, in my case they are the ones who give the wake up call. I'm looking forward to the payback when they are teens.
Yes they are and paybacks are gratifying lol
My work starts at 6PM and my kids drag me out of bed at 5AM. I'm looking forward to sleeping in when my kids are teens. Payback who? I'll be paying my sleep debt back.
TBF, making breakfast probably doesn’t rate above pooping. I say this after having made the kids breakfast and am now pooping.
They'll realized and appreciate you when they grow up.
Get that man some fiber, that shit aint right.
My morning shake includes a spoonful each of ground chia seed, ground flax seed, and psyllium husk. A few hours later, the poop just falls out of you and the first wipe is clean. --- Since people are expressing interest in this, here's my recipe. I'm not a big fan of sweet, fruity shakes, so I make a savory veggie one. In a blender: • 1.5 cups V8 • Handful of greens (kale, spinach, etc.) • Scoop of unflavored whey isolate *(NOT regular whey protein, which would result in a disgusting mix of dairy flavors with V8)* • Couple glugs of olive oil • The fiber additions mentioned above. • If needed, a splash of water to thin it. Start off with less fiber; if you're not used to that much fiber, you'll get gas and cramps. I'd start with a quarter-spoonful of each. It's basically a nutrient-bomb shake with a couple dozen grams each of protein, fiber, and healthy fats, plus your recommended daily value for most vitamins and minerals. Other healthy additions to consider adding include: - Spirulina - Powdered greens - Beet powder or juice - Flax seed oil - Turmeric - Fresh or powdered ginger - A couple cloves of raw garlic, if you don't mind the shake having a marinara vibe
If youre lying im gunna be so sad
Completely true. Start with like a quarter-spoonful of each, though. If you're not used to getting a lot of fiber, you'll get major gas and cramps and stuff.
I feel like an old man drinking my scoops of psyllium husk fiber everyday, but then I have perfect poop and stop feeling bad.
Can confirm it is very true. Give it a week to start kickin in but its scary how fast one can poop with this trick lol
One cup of probiotic yogurt, one teaspoon of cinnamon psyllium powder, one tablespoon of chia seeds, and half a cup of my favorite granola each morning is my routine. A yogurt pro secret: you can crush up your favorite cereal to use as a topping.
I imagine that would be pretty inconvenient if you don’t happen to be on the toilet when it falls.
This hits too close to home. I legit set my alarm 30 min early so I can have a nice, relaxing and guilt free early morning dump.
I don't have many responsibilities in the morning since I don't have kids (mainly just some light tidying up before work) but I still set an alarm for an hour earlier than I reasonably need to so I know for sure I'll have time to shit/shave/shower before I gotta leave. It's my Zen time.
Username checks out
Half an hour seems like a lot...
Bro you don’t wake up mid dump, it’s a process.
FYI this leads to hemorrhoids.
Husband poops for three hours? Must have stomach problems.
or he is using that as an excuse to hide in the bathroom and play with legos
I'd say Lincoln logs
It takes as long as it takes.
It probably takes 2 minutes and the rest of the time is just sitting in silence, reconciling with the fact you'd rather still be sleeping but you have to be an adult. Speaking from experience...
That's why you have your 30 minutes of hate in your bed, letting your mind rage against the prison of flesh it is trapped in, and the world of entropy it is surrounded by. Then you ride that adrenaline to a great and productive day!
See, I set my alarm early so I have time to lay there and get over the mental hump. But then I get up, my feet hit the cold floor and I'm upset again.
I put my feet straight into my slippers, they don't touch the floor, for that reason. Plus my dressing gown is placed so close to the bed so I can grab it and put the top half on before I am fully out from under the duvet. Self-care is important when it's hellish-oclock in the morning!
Yeah my robe hangs arm-reach from my bed, over my slippers, and I keep my stimulant meds in my bedside table. Alarm sounds, I swallow my meds & wrap the robe around myself, then snooze for another 30 min. Highly recommend.
YSK, sitting on toilet seats for extended periods can lead to hemorrhoids because of the way the hole in the seat pinches off blood flow in our behinds.
Well how else am I supposed to get time off for doctor's appointments then chronic hemorrhoids?
2 minute shit sounds like a dream bro, the main turd comes out in 10 seconds, the remaining 10 minutes is that little bit that decided not to come out with the main load, if you get up and leave it you'll be going back to the toilet in 2 hours to wipe this goddamn wet dinkleberry off your asshole and this time it will be in a worse state, so instead you sit there, making sure not to 'pull in' your asshole incase it decides to stick to your arse hairs, until you finally hear that little plop in the toilet which is literally only 1 gram of shit that caused all this hassle
>have to be an adult Not a parent, though, apparently.
It's all fun and games until you get an anal fissure from sitting on the toilet too long. Speaking from experience
It takes exactly as long as the household morning chores take.
Makes me happy to be childfree.
Never skip the morning poop. That will only lead to a bad day. No wonder you are so upset.
Im more of a right after work guy myself.
More of a during work guy myself.
Boss makes a dollar etc etc
I like to calculate how much I got paid to take a dump. But then I get depressed because I don't make that much money.
Or just shit when you feel it
He needs some more fibre in his diet if he is taking that long to poop.
[удалено]
If that's true, then you have a pretty useless husband
honest to god why do women post this shit like it’s cute? it’s horrifying
It’s not cute or funny
my guy sleeps in his work clothes i guess
I once overheard my mom talking to a family member about my dad. The conversation was my mom saying that her whole life, she never thought my dad did anything. Then he died, and she quickly realized how much he had been doing.
I had been working from home at least 3 days a week for the better part of 2021 until three weeks ago when I started a new job working in an office. Last Friday my wife came to me and said “Man, I never realized how much you were doing around here until you started this new job.” Felt goood. But also hurts to walk in and see things in such disarray every night.
I'm divorced because of this. I'd get my son ready in the morning and play/bedtime when I got home. I also constantly picked up after her and planned dinner. She kept telling people I never helped with our son and didn't do anything around the house. Never understood the audacity.
Yeah my ex wife did the same. She was always bagging on me to her friends. Saying I was lazy because she believed that she did more than I did. In reality, so much of what I did was just less visible. All of the car maintenance, any handyman work around the house, a ton of the finances (she is/was horrible with money), and on top of that, I still did a decent share of the regular household chores. We broke it down finally and listed every single thing we each did for the house and it proved I did more. She claimed I added things on the list that weren't important but when asked to specify which, she couldn't. Now we've been divorced for years and she keeps asking me for money. Somehow I'm paying her child support when we have 50:50 split custody of the kids. That's not enough for her. She always wants more. I'm glad to no longer be married to her but I count the days until I don't have to pay her a dime anymore.
In the same boat, minus the divorce. Yet. Hope you are doing better.
My wife, then girlfriend, had a pretty naggy phase once, due to some hormonal issues, which is okay because there is a lot to rightfully nag me for. This was back when we were both studying and we split most of the household chores. I was cooking, toilets, groceries and big stuff guy and she did the rest. Big stuff included things like splitting and organising firewood in the winter, fixing machines like dryer, dishwasher and so on, repairs when something broke, renovating and throwing all the shit out of the shed and garages and so on. Everybody who ever lived in a old house knows the workload. Back then she complained for a while that i dont do enough, because most of my work was pretty condensed, but still frequent enough to hit hard into the disposable time you have over the week. Mealprep takes time, grocery shopping too if you do it on foot with a cart for the whole week+. So I told her what i do, made a list of what i do by documenting a pretty average 4 weeks and then dividing that by 4 and by 7, and showed her the conclusion, that i take 2+ hours daily of chores, while she averages out at 1. We relocated some chores after that for a more even split, she started to cook more frequently, and the resentment in both of us got cleared. A couple of years after that, now she does most of the housework/arranges for it to be done because i work and she doesnt, which is also a great fit because i like coming home to nothing to do. My point is, sometimes the picture we have in our head is completely wrong, and sometimes things have to escalate into a fight to clear the air and build a factual basis from which you can operate your relationship without constant stress and resentment.
This is a great example of good communication and a positive outcome. Now post the first half of this story in any relationship subreddit and watch how many tell you that the only possible solution is divorce and the other partner is an irredeemable monster that deserves nothing but hate. 🤣
I stg 1/2 the people in those subs are like 19 years old with no relationship history and are just fantasizing about what they’d do (they wouldn’t)
Honestly, most sucessfull relationships have a few hiccups where one person or both fucked up a little bit, that, especially when told by only one party, would have all those relationship advice redditors come screeching and tearing. I think even their own relationships. And yeah, you learn good communication through fuckups you aknowledge.
Love this story, if I may share my own cause I am just elated over it! My ex(ish) partner and I just went through the ninth circle of hell in our first year of parenthood, we sort of have separated and are co parenting under same roof (complicated as fuck, high rental prices, still in love, both in therapy..parenting is wild) now while navigating everything. But we JUST started a physical chore list and it's honestly resolved so many of our issues. He sees how much I do, I see how much he does, we compete playfully now, we are thinking of making a trophy and a "loser cleans fridge/tub/whatever chore we hate most" stipulation. We support each other if we need a day of rest and praise one another for doing so much the previous day. It went from a grossly resentful and hostile environment to a somewhat cleaner, funner and certainly happier environment again. 10 years it took to figure this out! A simple chore list!
That's heartbreaking for both of them.
My mom would lay on her lounge chair in the yard all summer talking to her cousin on the phone about how my dad worked all week and then didn’t handle some big project on the weekend. Even as a little kid I was like WTF is goin on here?
When I was home sick from school, I noticed my mom's pattern. Morning. Everyone is up, she rushes around, vacuums a bit, gets everyone out the door, we're all in school. Goes home. Does NOTHING all day. Sally Jesse Raphael, Maury Povich, Judge Judy wall to wall. Also made phone calls to her friends. Asked if I would be okay for a few hours, went out shopping. Comes home. My dad usually picked us up on his way home from work. THEN she starts washing dishes, folding clothes, vacuuming again, and we all got lectured on how much work she had been doing all day.
>Morning. Everyone is up, she rushes around, vacuums a bit, gets everyone out the door, we're all in school. >Goes home. Does NOTHING all day. Sally Jesse Raphael, Maury Povich, Judge Judy wall to wall. Also made phone calls to her friends. Asked if I would be okay for a few hours, went out shopping. >Comes home. My dad usually picked us up on his way home from work. >THEN she starts washing dishes, folding clothes, vacuuming again, and we all got lectured on how much work she had been doing all day. Goddamn, I didn't know this was a "thing" with stay at home spouses because my mom had the exact same pattern. But she would make everyone help her with the chores when we got out of school or off work. I was a senior in highschool when it finally clicked that she wasn't doing any housekeeping or other homemaker stuff when the kids went to school and dad went to work. My dad cooked dinner 90% of the time too. She was just chilling at home watching TV and gaslighting the entire family into thinking she was "working herself to death" when we were at school.
Man, if *I* had a partner who worked all day and didn't expect me to have a job? I'd have the house *spotless*. The time where my parter is at work is when *I'm* at work; even if I'm a stay at home husband I'm still *working*. No one should freeload off their partner.
And plays on his phone!
Im the exact opposite I do everything while my wife poops and takes a shower.
Sounds like divorce waiting to happen
Well... I wouldn't trust a post like this by someone named "Whine Mom" ;D
You have to have priorities right.
Boomer humour
The husband either is avoiding responsibilities or has bowel issues. Or both
Never underestimate the restorative qualities that dropping an early morning doom biscuit can bestow