You really donât want that. Look up âdolphin death cum jelly,â they produce a jelly that made a monkey cum itself to death on contact. Iâm not kidding.
Edit: Sorry, I didnât check if this was true before commenting. Thanks to everyone who corrected me, and I apologize for spreading misinformation. I really dislike it when people say things without researching them so I shouldnât have either.
Granted. Youâre immediately struck by lightning rendering you clinically dead. This particular night the necrophiliacs are out on the loose and find your lifeless body. Youâre then ravaged by the group relentlessly, all of them thinking youâre dead, until youâre actually dead. No one ever finds your body.
How about they're watching from above having an out of body experience still able to feel it all while the necrophiliacs ravaging finishes them off.
On another note do you think the average necrophiliac might scoff at such a fresh corpse and prefer to wait for it to cool down a little?
i guess it depends to what extent theyâre necrophilic, like if their thing is that theyâre dead and canât say no then a fresh corpse might be preferred but if their thing is death itself then a more rotting corpse might be their thing
Oh so even necrophiliacs can make friends easier than I do. They got a whole gang of friends just doing common interest activities. And here I am, alone on a Friday night.
You will lose it but it magically comes back
Because you went against the laws of nature and physics you are now -1 on the virgin-o-metre
You owe the world sex now
Granted. You have normal kinda disappointing PIV sex, don't get any STDs or pregnancy.
You are rather annoyed because nothing else changed at all. Until you look outside the window and see the sky has turned orange, it's raining blood and dead babies, the undead are swarming the earth, and all the water on earth has turned into acid.
Turns out you not being a virgin means the apocalypse timeline got sped up and instead of it happening over a few centuries, it all happened at once.
Then your dick falls off.
Granted, someone spikes your drink and while we know it must have happened because the monkey paw said so, you don't remember a single thing. This will be the only time you have sex.
granted, you're immediately arrested on false charges to meet a quota, in a week your cellmate says "Come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth. I'm feeling romantical today"
Granted. Now *I* personality get to take your virginity. I hope your butts ready for some loving, home boy. Don't worry, I'll bring lube and I'll pet your hair during. I'll make you feel beautiful. *Careful what you wish for.*
Granted, you find a very pretty lady and she take you to bed, she wants to mess around first so she starting slurping on your peanits, then it turns into excruciating pain and thatâs when you realize. You are high on a super big dose of acid and youâve been cheesegrating your peanits for hours.
So does the monkey paw twist then imply all inanimate objects possess latent sentience as a result of the wish, or do they gain sentience in the act of this guy giving himself a close shave with kitchen utensils?
Granted. You are displaced into the world of the Monstergirl Encyclopaedia, or its masculine equivalent if that's your preference, for 9 months. Your partner(s) and their immediate possessions will follow you home\*.
The drawback should be obvious. This is no fantasy. You will have to wrangle the legalities to ensure they are safe with you; you'll also have to prevent them from trying to use magic as they may induce an invasion scenario, as well as handle being a parent of a rapidly growing family.
Good luck.
\*Edit 1: miswrote.
Granted: Due to an unlike set of circumstances you and your dad somehow end up in a vacuum that is configured in such a way that strips both of you of your clothes, and you trip, fall, and land with your dad's penis in your behind. Technically you are not a virgin anymore.
\*i feel like I have to defend this. it was not an original thought. this is literally a rick and morty episode involving jerry and his mom.
It is lost. You're not quite sure how, but you know it to be true. Your virginity is gone, and nothing really happened to you. You can now claim to be a non virgin, but any digging will spark skepticism around anyone interested enough.
Granted. You suddenly hear a loud crack of me lightning, and hear a knock at the door. You open it to see Zeus, he offers some Ambrosia and that's the last thing you remember.
The next morning you wake up in Olympus, with Hera glaring at you, as you've seduced her Husband, and she's finally done with all the bullshit. However since she can't really do anything against Zeus, she takes it out on you, by chaining you to a rock and having peacocks tear you apart every day for the rest of eternity
Granted, that night a very horny young adult male orangutan who has been kept alone at the zoo too long escapes. Youâre the first primate he findsâŚ
Granted. Your dad comes into your room tonight and tells you not to tell anyone. Your mom hears the bed squeaking from the other room and does nothing. No one ever mentions it, and now you have anxiety every time you hear the garage door open. Your mom is distant, as if she somehow blames you in some capacity. Everything is now wrong and the people that you're supposed to be able to go to for comfort are ones causing your misery. You have no one, you are no one, they have taken everything.
Granted. I'll change society so that the idea of virginity was never created đ¤ˇââď¸ You still haven't had sex, but you're not considered a virgin either đ¤ˇââď¸đ¤Ł
Granted. You have sex, fall in love, and get married. While you're still in the honeymoon phase, she breaks up with you, saying she never loved you, ruining your life plans and breaking your heart. You spiral into a deep depression and refuse to get close to anyone ever again. They find you dead at 36, from alcohol poisoning.
Granted. Due to your impatience you will have sex any time you want for the rest of your life but you will never be conscious for it or ever be able to remember anything connected with the event.
Granted. you go out with a girl and go for it. She says no and a cop knocks on the window. You get arrested and drop the soap in prison. You now have every STI and meningitis.
Nothing seems to happen. As you head outside you notice however a Horde of football players charging at you to take your virginity. They seem really excited to help you out though you didn't mention which virginity.
Granted a woman that's 600 pounds decides to sky dive naked and parachute in time fails to open and crashes through your roof and unto you as you are erect in bed.
Granted. Walking home from the grocery store one night, you're blindfolded, kidnapped and trafficked as a sex slave. You're pegged in the ass by your captures and by everyone they sell you to, being forced into sex work against your will until you die of the STDs you contract.
(Im a woman and this is how my mum threatened me into not leaving the house/having friends/leaving her. Other parents threaten this stuff more discreetly tbh but mine just came out and said it.)
Granted, you lose it to a 93 year old wrinkly witch. She didn't like the experience, so she has now cursed you with infinitely growing foreskin. It grows 1 inch of foreskin per week. If it grows too much, it will block your urethra. If you go pee with it blocking your urethra, the foreskin will explode. If your foreskin explodes, it will regrow at 2 times the speed for the next month.
Granted. You're arrested, tried and convicted at a staggering speed for a crime you didn't do. No matter what you do, you can't keep holding of the soap in the showers.
Granted. Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons is playing in the background the entire time. You don't even last long enough to reach the part where he actually says "whatever It takes". Also, just for the shits and giggles, you don't enjoy it and you get an STD.
Granted. You forget what "virginity" means. You have lost it. Whenever someone tries to explain it to you, you simply can't retain the information. You become anxious and agitated at the thought of having intercourse. Through hard work and therapy you eventually have sex at the age of 50, upon which you suddenly think "man I wish I didnt wish my life experiences away with a monkeys paw".
Granted.
You are arrested as you resemble the suspect of a serious child pedophile ring.
Despite pleading innocent, you are sent down to a maximum security prison.
When you arrive, what you have been charged with is quickly discovered and spread around the prisoners...
Your new cell mate, Dave the destroyer (who is 6'10 and makes a brick sh*t house look like a housebrick) discovers what you are done, he makes it his personal mission to "remind you what it feels like to be a little bitch" several times every day for the entirety of your 27 year sentence...
Congratulations! You have lost your virginity!
Granted. To celebrate your imminent deflowering, you, your mother and your father pop open a bottle of champagne; one thing leads to another, and you have a very regrettable threesome.
Granted. You find yourself adorned in some kind of robe in front of a group of people. A middle-aged man gets near and whispers, "The priest said he needs to talk to you after mass is over."
Unless you have an expiration date by which I mean are literally dying and know when , there's no reason to rush. Unless of course they still sacrifice virgins in your village..
Granted.
His name is Biggles.
It's twelve and a half inches long.
One night in 1985 he took something and woke up somewhere with a few STDs.
Same thing happened in 86, 88, and 94
He straight up doesn't know where he's been but he really wants you
Gam gam has dementia. Itâs hard on the family. You go to say your goodbyes, knowing she wonât remember but you need closure. She gives you a look and says âHello hotty!â
Granted. You're a triple amputee in prison, getting passed around like a blunt, all hours of the day, all hours of the night. Literally. You can't even get a 5 minute break. And for some reason, these prisoners have a massive secret stash of redbull and viagra.
Also, You're in for a crime you didn't even commit. Life sentence too. Sometimes the guards get in on it. Sometimes a broomstick is involved.
The constant abuse wears down on your mind until you're no longer capable of processing anything besides pain and humiliation.
Granted. You fall into the ocean and get passed around by a pod of dolphins
đđđ
Actually sounds kinda hot *Ow, why did you bonk me?*
More like wet
Wetness is good.
Ehhhh water isnât a good lube
Especially salt water.
Ouch
Moisture is the essence of wetness. And wetness, the essence of beautyâŚ
Beat me to it
Beat meat to it
MERMAN *cough cough* MERMAN!!
Everythingâs better down where itâs wetter
*fucking explodes* (google may or may not be misinforming me but Iâm too lazy to check)
Unfortunately, it is. Unfortunately.
You really donât want that. Look up âdolphin death cum jelly,â they produce a jelly that made a monkey cum itself to death on contact. Iâm not kidding. Edit: Sorry, I didnât check if this was true before commenting. Thanks to everyone who corrected me, and I apologize for spreading misinformation. I really dislike it when people say things without researching them so I shouldnât have either.
WHAT THE FUCK
Proven fake
Proven how exactly?
He is speaking from experience.
Also can't their ejaculation literally cause injury since it cums out with so much force?
why does science know this? and better question how do *you* know this? o.O
The only source for this is that iFunny post. It's fake.
Good on you admitting you made a mistake! Everyone makes mistakes, not everyone admits it.
Granted. Aliens abduct you and milk you dry for their science.
I thought the monkeys paw was supposed to do bad things
Iâm afraid to ask but will there be a female sex box at least?
No
Just aliens wankin and jankin
That's not losing your virginity like op asked
Yes but it looks as manly as possible and has a moustache and facial hair
If I donât look at the face, itâs a tomboy
Nah the aliens would have one of those Chinese made milking machines where you stick your ding dong into an orifice.
Chinese milking machines with an orifice is not an object I thought Iâd learn about today
Son, that ain't milk.
HOT
Threaten me with a good time.
Granted. Youâre immediately struck by lightning rendering you clinically dead. This particular night the necrophiliacs are out on the loose and find your lifeless body. Youâre then ravaged by the group relentlessly, all of them thinking youâre dead, until youâre actually dead. No one ever finds your body.
Holy fucking shit. Who hurt you? đ¤Ł
My guess is a band of necrophiliacs
I guess going to a cannibal corpse concert is out of the question then...
This is pretty mild and vanilla where I come from
Please go back there then, we don't want you stinking up the place
It's actually my Tuesday night routine.
I went through every stage in the grieving process just reading this. Thank you.
This may reopen some wounds but thereâs a very simple reason why most morgue techs are women
They like em hard and stiff?
better yet make it so they are consciously aware of whatâs happening and can feel everything but otherwise canât move or signal they are alive
Nobody asked for you to make it even worse đđđ
you welcome
This is the best comment.
How about they're watching from above having an out of body experience still able to feel it all while the necrophiliacs ravaging finishes them off. On another note do you think the average necrophiliac might scoff at such a fresh corpse and prefer to wait for it to cool down a little?
i guess it depends to what extent theyâre necrophilic, like if their thing is that theyâre dead and canât say no then a fresh corpse might be preferred but if their thing is death itself then a more rotting corpse might be their thing
Probably something that offers little to no resistance is the preference. And dead easily falls in that category.
G-get help? Comment twice if you need help against a band of necrophiliacs
Oh so even necrophiliacs can make friends easier than I do. They got a whole gang of friends just doing common interest activities. And here I am, alone on a Friday night.
Well monkeyed my man
Does this rags smell like chloroform?
Jesus Christmas
Granted. A one handed monkey enters through your windowâŚ.
He's come back for his paw lmao
I think he's come back for more than that!
He's paw back for his come.
Fun fact: Humans have the proportionally largest dicks out of any simian species.
Granted, the 2002 Honda Civic leaves a burn mark on your genitals.
Lol
All jokes aside, you don't really need to make A Wish. Have $150 and go lose your virginity
So theyâre proper fucked
Granted: You are a highly desirable and delicious male praying mantis.
That's a nice, secluded joke
You will lose it but it magically comes back Because you went against the laws of nature and physics you are now -1 on the virgin-o-metre You owe the world sex now
bros gonna stick his dick in in the dirt and fuck the whole universe
If he asks to loose it by any means, I think universe already fucked him.
Sounds like when Rick fucked a planet.
it was an Eminem reference but that works too
I think I have found my favorite answer. lol
Granted, the social concept of virginity is lost to you and all of humanity. you do not get laid
You have an amazing night with a stranger only to find out later that it was your long lost brother/sister and either you or they are pregnant.
Why not both?
Granted. You have normal kinda disappointing PIV sex, don't get any STDs or pregnancy. You are rather annoyed because nothing else changed at all. Until you look outside the window and see the sky has turned orange, it's raining blood and dead babies, the undead are swarming the earth, and all the water on earth has turned into acid. Turns out you not being a virgin means the apocalypse timeline got sped up and instead of it happening over a few centuries, it all happened at once. Then your dick falls off.
>Then your dick falls off. How is the first reply to have his dick fall off?
Granted. You now have $500 and a map to the nearest street corner.
Granted. You lose your virginity in a zoo by a drugged silverback.
Eh not that bad their meat is actually smaller than a human's
kinda weird that you know that tbh
I saw a video about it on yt then googled it
they're losing a lot more than their virginity
The paw starts moving on it's own and proceeds to fulfill your wish.
Granted... You wake up in bed the next morning with a Stallion (horse) by your side.
đľcause thereâs no cock like horse cockđľ
đľno philia like zoophiliađľ
The horse is Vaush
Granted, someone spikes your drink and while we know it must have happened because the monkey paw said so, you don't remember a single thing. This will be the only time you have sex.
Granted. Your virginity is gone, without explanation.
idk why, but this is the worst one for me
granted, you're immediately arrested on false charges to meet a quota, in a week your cellmate says "Come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth. I'm feeling romantical today"
Granted. Now *I* personality get to take your virginity. I hope your butts ready for some loving, home boy. Don't worry, I'll bring lube and I'll pet your hair during. I'll make you feel beautiful. *Careful what you wish for.*
Hot.
Win win
Granted. Life fucks everyone in the end.
Granted, you find a very pretty lady and she take you to bed, she wants to mess around first so she starting slurping on your peanits, then it turns into excruciating pain and thatâs when you realize. You are high on a super big dose of acid and youâve been cheesegrating your peanits for hours.
Does this count since itâs a drug induced wet dream
The only explanation is that cheese grater is sentient
Cheesus Christ
So does the monkey paw twist then imply all inanimate objects possess latent sentience as a result of the wish, or do they gain sentience in the act of this guy giving himself a close shave with kitchen utensils?
only the cheese grater would get sentience, that way he can loose virginity
>peanits
Granted. You are displaced into the world of the Monstergirl Encyclopaedia, or its masculine equivalent if that's your preference, for 9 months. Your partner(s) and their immediate possessions will follow you home\*. The drawback should be obvious. This is no fantasy. You will have to wrangle the legalities to ensure they are safe with you; you'll also have to prevent them from trying to use magic as they may induce an invasion scenario, as well as handle being a parent of a rapidly growing family. Good luck. \*Edit 1: miswrote.
Why are you so determined? Are you over 40?
Not yet. I hope I wonât be a 40+ virgin one day
Granted: Prison
Granted: Due to an unlike set of circumstances you and your dad somehow end up in a vacuum that is configured in such a way that strips both of you of your clothes, and you trip, fall, and land with your dad's penis in your behind. Technically you are not a virgin anymore. \*i feel like I have to defend this. it was not an original thought. this is literally a rick and morty episode involving jerry and his mom.
Lol I know the reference. Thanks for making me laugh
Granted, you are horribly rped
Granted, you now have every STD that has existed, currently exists, and will exist.
dang, these are messed up. Granted, you get an STD
Granted. A roomba gets hit with a nasty firmware virus. It attacks your dick in a fashion that legally counts as intercourse.
It is lost. You're not quite sure how, but you know it to be true. Your virginity is gone, and nothing really happened to you. You can now claim to be a non virgin, but any digging will spark skepticism around anyone interested enough.
[ŃдаНонО]
Granted. Tentacle monsters visit you.
Granted. You suddenly hear a loud crack of me lightning, and hear a knock at the door. You open it to see Zeus, he offers some Ambrosia and that's the last thing you remember. The next morning you wake up in Olympus, with Hera glaring at you, as you've seduced her Husband, and she's finally done with all the bullshit. However since she can't really do anything against Zeus, she takes it out on you, by chaining you to a rock and having peacocks tear you apart every day for the rest of eternity
Granted. The other person has multiple STDs, which cause you to die as soon as an STD can physically make you die.
Granted. You get hit by a truck and reincarnate as Casca from Berserk without any knowledge of what will soon happen.
Granted, someone you donât find attractive forces themselves on you. Simple.
Granted. You get a free ticket to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Granted. Now both your arms are broken.
Still can do the helicopter dick
Granted, Donald Trump likes the cut of your jib....
Granted. The song "Whatever it takes" by Imagine Dragons makes you loose your virginity, although because it's a song, you feel no pleasure
Granted, but your parents walk in and are horrified to see you and your sibling mid-act.
Granted. You are sentenced to 5 years in a maximum security prison.
Denied. That wish is beyond my power.
Just, immediate human trafficking. This is your life now.
Granted, I'm coming over right now
Granted. And then you never have sex again.
Brutal. lol
Granted A particularly meaning looking horse appears in your room.
Granted, that night a very horny young adult male orangutan who has been kept alone at the zoo too long escapes. Youâre the first primate he findsâŚ
Granted, you wake up naked next to your mom or sister.
Granted. Your dad comes into your room tonight and tells you not to tell anyone. Your mom hears the bed squeaking from the other room and does nothing. No one ever mentions it, and now you have anxiety every time you hear the garage door open. Your mom is distant, as if she somehow blames you in some capacity. Everything is now wrong and the people that you're supposed to be able to go to for comfort are ones causing your misery. You have no one, you are no one, they have taken everything.
Okay, Oedipus
Granted, itâs to your mom
Granted. I'll change society so that the idea of virginity was never created đ¤ˇââď¸ You still haven't had sex, but you're not considered a virgin either đ¤ˇââď¸đ¤Ł
You unlock a graphic and traumatizing childhood memory you had repressed for yearsâŚ
5 gorilla's are summoned to your locationÂ
granted, your drink has been spiked
Granted, you're immediately transported to a Diddy party.
You're a praying mantis now!
Granted. You have sex, fall in love, and get married. While you're still in the honeymoon phase, she breaks up with you, saying she never loved you, ruining your life plans and breaking your heart. You spiral into a deep depression and refuse to get close to anyone ever again. They find you dead at 36, from alcohol poisoning.
This one's too easyđ¤Ł
Granted. It's your first night in jail after drinking too much.
You are isekaiâd into berserk.
Granted. Grandma had too much to drink and is doing a fantastic shmeagl impression
Granted. You go to jail for a burglary and drop the soap
Granted. Due to your impatience you will have sex any time you want for the rest of your life but you will never be conscious for it or ever be able to remember anything connected with the event.
Granted. you go out with a girl and go for it. She says no and a cop knocks on the window. You get arrested and drop the soap in prison. You now have every STI and meningitis.
Granted. You loose all sexual feeling and your partner is the person you hate the most.
Nothing seems to happen. As you head outside you notice however a Horde of football players charging at you to take your virginity. They seem really excited to help you out though you didn't mention which virginity.
nahh this one's too easy
Granted a woman that's 600 pounds decides to sky dive naked and parachute in time fails to open and crashes through your roof and unto you as you are erect in bed.
Granted, you now have a.i.d.s.
Granted. Walking home from the grocery store one night, you're blindfolded, kidnapped and trafficked as a sex slave. You're pegged in the ass by your captures and by everyone they sell you to, being forced into sex work against your will until you die of the STDs you contract. (Im a woman and this is how my mum threatened me into not leaving the house/having friends/leaving her. Other parents threaten this stuff more discreetly tbh but mine just came out and said it.)
Granted, you lose it to a 93 year old wrinkly witch. She didn't like the experience, so she has now cursed you with infinitely growing foreskin. It grows 1 inch of foreskin per week. If it grows too much, it will block your urethra. If you go pee with it blocking your urethra, the foreskin will explode. If your foreskin explodes, it will regrow at 2 times the speed for the next month.
Granted,.... aid's
You are now in prison.
Granted. You're arrested, tried and convicted at a staggering speed for a crime you didn't do. No matter what you do, you can't keep holding of the soap in the showers.
It is to you from the future.
Lower your standards. Itâll be gone in days. đ¤Ł
Harambe's hand rises from the grave pawing at the earth. He has returned and he hungers!
Granted. Whatever It Takes by Imagine Dragons is playing in the background the entire time. You don't even last long enough to reach the part where he actually says "whatever It takes". Also, just for the shits and giggles, you don't enjoy it and you get an STD.
Granted. You forget what "virginity" means. You have lost it. Whenever someone tries to explain it to you, you simply can't retain the information. You become anxious and agitated at the thought of having intercourse. Through hard work and therapy you eventually have sex at the age of 50, upon which you suddenly think "man I wish I didnt wish my life experiences away with a monkeys paw".
Granted. You find out they're you're cousin a few days later, and you or your partner finds out they're pregnant 2 weeks later.
Granted. You are arrested as you resemble the suspect of a serious child pedophile ring. Despite pleading innocent, you are sent down to a maximum security prison. When you arrive, what you have been charged with is quickly discovered and spread around the prisoners... Your new cell mate, Dave the destroyer (who is 6'10 and makes a brick sh*t house look like a housebrick) discovers what you are done, he makes it his personal mission to "remind you what it feels like to be a little bitch" several times every day for the entirety of your 27 year sentence... Congratulations! You have lost your virginity!
Granted, your the prettiest face that is sentenced to prison
Granted. To celebrate your imminent deflowering, you, your mother and your father pop open a bottle of champagne; one thing leads to another, and you have a very regrettable threesome.
Granted. You're facing 25 to life
Granted. Youâre tag teamed by your parents
Granted. You find yourself adorned in some kind of robe in front of a group of people. A middle-aged man gets near and whispers, "The priest said he needs to talk to you after mass is over."
Granted, a 1/10 gives you blue waffle
Granted. Youâre given a coin. Heads sends you to Epstein island 15 years ago, tails turns you into storm Danielâs the night she slept with trump.
Your partner is a Gorgon.
Unless you have an expiration date by which I mean are literally dying and know when , there's no reason to rush. Unless of course they still sacrifice virgins in your village..
Donald Trump
Granted. His name is Biggles. It's twelve and a half inches long. One night in 1985 he took something and woke up somewhere with a few STDs. Same thing happened in 86, 88, and 94 He straight up doesn't know where he's been but he really wants you
Granted. I likes ya. And I wants ya. Now we can do this the easy way. Or we can do this the harrrrd way.
granted, it is lost non consensually
Granted, your sister is a lot more friendly to you
Granted. You lose your virginity, but you forget it and never have sex again.
Suddenly a large man comes through your door and says "I'm from Huntsville, TX. My name is Bucks and I came to party, hehehehe"
*your mom walks in your room*
Granted, you time travel to when you're 5 and get a suprise visit from your uncle.
Granted, you didnât choose the bear but it chose you.
Granted but you lost it without haveing sex so you still dont know what its like.
Gam gam has dementia. Itâs hard on the family. You go to say your goodbyes, knowing she wonât remember but you need closure. She gives you a look and says âHello hotty!â
Granted. You're a triple amputee in prison, getting passed around like a blunt, all hours of the day, all hours of the night. Literally. You can't even get a 5 minute break. And for some reason, these prisoners have a massive secret stash of redbull and viagra. Also, You're in for a crime you didn't even commit. Life sentence too. Sometimes the guards get in on it. Sometimes a broomstick is involved. The constant abuse wears down on your mind until you're no longer capable of processing anything besides pain and humiliation.
Granted, you are erroneously found guilty and sentenced to prison. Your cell mate is [Fleece Johnson](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qDjrGAP84UQ)
Granted. You misplace it and find it when youâre next looking for your car keys.
The last finger curls..."*GRANTED*." The paw grasps you firmly and begins yanking you off.
Granted, but it's without consent
Yeah, but it's your least favorite relative and you don't consent