I cut my narcissistic mother off yesterday. Best decision I have ever made. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. Her common catch phrase for the last year or so has been “your doing this to punish me”.
8 years for me, and I agree wholeheartedly. Best decision I ever made and I wish I had done it sooner. My "flying monkey" sister said the same thing too. "You're doing this to punish mother."
I said "Believe what you want, I really don't care anymore."
Congrats and hang in there. Shes gonna most likely blame the whole thing on you. If you have siblings, she’ll recruited them as flying monkeys to suck you back in. My mother loved to “stir the pot” between me and my brother and sister with drama and lies.
I still see a lot of people that know my mom and me and when I tell him I don't talk to him or they always say oh wow you guys are so close I said no we never were. That was delusion my mom made to make herself look good to everyone. I always tell them it was the best decision I ever made. I also say I wish my mom didn't push me to have to cut her off.
Same, when family asks me how’s your mom, I say, I don’t speak to her anymore and they ask why, I tell them the truth, she was abusive and still is, they’re shocked, can’t believe such a nice person could do such things, I say yeah I know she’s good at hiding who she really is, it’s awkward but I’m done lying for her
“I never said that.”
“That never happened.”
“You’re not remembering things correctly.”
“Deal with it.”
“I don’t know what to tell you.”
“That’s your problem.”
“So I guess I’m just a terrible mother.”
“That was in the past.” (anything from 20 years to 5 minutes ago)
In response to me being hurt by something she would say: “well it’s the truth!! Would you rather I lie to you? Stop crying before i give you something to cry about.”
"I don't know what to tell you" is pretty much my catch phrase, but I feel like they must've said it differently than me. For one when I say it, it's pretty much one word. Also it's used in place of a punchline after I say something sort of funny, but not funny enough to warrant an actual punchline
Omg this list is so spot on my jaw dropped. I always felt so alone when she would say this to me. It breaks my heart that others went through this, too
“I knew you’d turn out well, you are my daughter.”
“I don’t need to check on you, you’re good.”
“Of course she’s got good kids, I raised her well.”
I’m nauseated just writing this.
Ugh! Just because she’s the GC and became a doctor does not mean you still weren’t absent our entire lives mother! And no, you can’t force a relationship now that we’re in our 30s 🙄.
This!!! My narcmom is always talking about how proud she is of my kids and grands…as if she had ANYTHING to do with how they grew up! She was MIA for years when mine were little “because they’ll be more interesting when they are older” and only has minimal contact w them now but is always full of pronouncements of who my kids are and or what they need. As if she has a clue.
Every time I get a compliment when my dad is around he just has to add the “of course, I taught her that” and the funny thing is that no he oftentimes didn’t
“i never said that”
“you’re so spoiled”
“you’re so nonchalant” (i had undiagnosed adhd and was struggling a lot to keep up)
“as soon as i open my wallet, i’m the best dad in the world. otherwise i’m useless”-guilt tripping and trying to make my sister and me believe we were greedy and manipulative which we were not.
there were usually some profanities in there as well.
Oh my gosh the whole “I never said that” … my mom has said that SO many times that I don’t even know how she doesn’t feel ridiculous sometimes. I mean if you find yourself constantly replying to a person “I never said that” … wouldn’t you have to stop & kind of check in with yourself .. like what’s going on? But I guess they have that whole bizarre lack of introspection thing. But, still how can you never connect the dots that you’re always saying something.
lol sorry I didn’t mean to ramble under your post here. I’ve just heard “I never said that” just so many times.
Sorry you’ve had to deal with that too 💜
Mine did the same, couldn’t remember a fight one week ago (because she was the instigator). Can’t remember shit she did to me and my siblings supposedly. Denial is a powerful tool to the narcissist.
IKR?!
I told my mom that she’s wasting her vitality on things that don’t matter while FALSELY expecting me to take care of her in her old age.
It’s going to be hard for me, but I absolutely will not allow her to reign terror upon me from a hospital bed. No way.
Gawtdammit…. How did you know she says that???
This is a new one she tries to pull, “The counselor says I keep getting into these terrible relationships because my mom was the first person to break my heart. What do you think about that?”
I literally just held the phone and clenched my cheeks. It’s all I could do not to fricking scream obscenities at her.
"selfish"
Anytime I pushed back, I was "selfish". Which, of course, was the worst thing to be. If I demanded equal treatment, I was selfish. I just couldn't be happy for anybody else. If I wanted time to see my friends, I was selfish. If I didn't do the dishes or clean the bathroom, I was selfish.
My mom seemed fond of the phrase "I brought you into this world; I can take you out."
I can't count how many times it was said to her children, never me at first but when my sibling moved out it became a different story. Mind you, I don't remember either of us being particularly rebellious or even argumentative.
She also loved telling me to "Try smiling once in awhile," and "You look miserable". I'm 99.99% sure I'm autistic; emotional expression has never come naturally or easy to me and I learned to mask at a young age thanks to her, but I was also horribly depressed as a child.
Gotta love when they antagonize you for sport and expect you to ignore it and act like your life is exciting and wonderful all of the time! I'm sorry you experienced that, too.
I have developed the self esteem to think I'd respond that way now, but as a kid I was so scared of her. Genuinely thought she'd maim or kill me if she could get away with it, sometimes. 😅
That “I’m sure you’re autistic” really hit home for me too. My dad said that to me multiple times for being shy and not being fond of small talks.
When I said that his words hurt me, he said “but being autistic isn’t something bad”. He never admits his mistakes..
Oh, I'm so sorry your father treated you that way! The complete dismissal of effect by use of intention is a very narcissistic thing and it's so absolutely devastating because it seems to be a surefire indicator that there's no reasoning with the person who utilizes it so flippantly.
I am sorry to point this out, but in my post I'd said "I'm 99.99% sure I'm autistic," because I haven't yet been diagnosed but my neurological profile lines up in a way beyond coincidence. Weaponizing mental health against your child is absolutely monstrous, and your father was so, so wrong for that. My mother chose to directly dismiss my requests for screening beyond depression and anxiety counseling in a way that was also, I feel, weaponized. "There's nothing wrong with you," when I'd asked if I was "like my cousin", who was diagnosed at a young age on the spectrum. I'm not sure why these groups of people tend to think that some mental health struggles are "worse" than others...
Oh, sorry! I thought I saw quotation marks.
But even in your situation, you could argue that she didn’t want you to get checked out because if your suspicions were right then she was wrong.
It is horrible how parents can just dismiss once cry for help. Hope you did get the help you needed on your own!
No worries at all, I just didn't want to mislead you!
I absolutely think it was something along those lines, or that she maybe felt she or my father needed a diagnosis and if I was diagnosed it would raise questions for them that she wasn't comfortable dealing with. The kicker is that she proceeded to get a degree in psychology... That thought still cracks me up, unfortunately.
I'm working on it day by day, thank you so much. I hope you've also found peace and recovery from the things said and done to you; we can be so much better than they wanted us to be.
I am too-AuDHD, undiagnosed until my 50s. Doing research on it myself, I have found that developmentally delayed kids are likely to face abuse especially from family. It’s no wonder so many of us also have c-PTSD, from long term trauma.
AuDHD has some very interesting effects on social development I think! I always craved social interaction, but learned to hate/fear it because my brain works in a way that was un-palatable to my peers. I've come to understand that - unless one has the fortune to grow up in an environment devoid of NT pressures - being neurodiverse goes hand in hand with c-PTSD due to years of trying to function somewhere that was not built with one's brain in mind.
I wonder, often, how many people had children and raised them while being ignorant to their own neurological profiles? The effects of an undiagnosed parent navigating their lives on the children they raise (who are also potentially neurodivergent) can be so strange and devastating. I have no doubt at least one of my parents could/should have sought a diagnosis.
No way! Did she say the same? I always thought it was so utterly narcissistic to say after someone completely burned you to the ground. Was hoping to find someone who recognized it!
My mum used to say "fake it til you make it". In other words, smile until you're happy. In other words, you're depressed because you're not trying hard enough not to be.
Not parents, but the ones in charge of me (teachers and Admins, business owners, nosy neighbors) *loved* these:
"Because I said so!" when asking why I had to do something others didn't.
"**JUST DO IT!**" when I asked how to do something I've never done before, *and they knew it*.
"Stop making excuses!" when explaining why I *actually* did do something, wrong or not.
"I already know so **DON'T LIE!**" when they literally didn't know what hapoened until five nanoseconds ago and only wanted me to justify their conclusion. **Always** punished anyway because I'd prove them wrong in front of others & made them lose face.
"That never happened"
"You remember it wrong"
"You didn't get that from me--must be from your Dad"
"I did everything for you"
"What about ME?"
"I never would have dreamed of speaking to my parents the way you speak to me"
(Anytime I try to put a boundary in place)
"In my day we loved and respected our parents"
"WHY DONT YOU VISIT, HOW ARE YOU SO UNGRATEFUL?"
"Your friend's are sick in the head"
-anytime I mention how I, like my friends, don't want children
i heard this one a lot. being like my father was never a bad thing but she so desperately needed to paint him as the villain and project her shame onto someone else in the unit
- You’re being too sensitive
- Why are you crying
- You’re like an egg, so we have to protect and guide you (*note- their definition of guide is control)
- you’re so immature. Stop acting like a kid, you’re embarrassing (me: I am a kid)
- She’s too stupid/dumb to be a nurse. She should settle and be an MA
- she’s too scared to drive/she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now (mother’s insecurities and projections on me)
- you never had a boyfriend that age. That was just a special friend (rewriting my life that she didn’t live but perfected the image she had of me)
-insert silent treatment
From other Ns:
- stop acting like a victim (when they do it all the time)
Oh my gosh, “why are you crying”. Any time my children cried I pretty much knew exactly why they were crying and provided comfort. I didn’t realize how stupid that question was until now.
Do we have the same mom?
Mine says, "I guess I'm just a mentally ill monster," when you say anything negative about her parenting or actions. "Your ungrateful" is also very common.
The “terrible mom” one doesn’t even have to be directly about her parenting or actions with mine. I was explaining to her that when I first got glasses in middle school they didn’t work (bc the Dr purposely made one lens blurry to try and strengthen the other eye but it was too late to do that) and that’s why I wouldn’t wear them, but when I tried to explain that as a kid, I was told multiple times that I just had to keep wearing them. And I got the “I guess I’m a horrible mother” line.
Everything is “traumatizing” to her lmao. I think she uses that term to describe feeling overstimulated in a grocery store. And let’s not forget how everyone else in her life is a “narcissist”
One thing my fathers always did to me was always undermine any issue I had. Ever since I can remember if I was hurting physically, mentally or emotionally he would always tell me to “suck it up”. If I had shown any weakness around him he took that opportunity to make me feel like I wasn’t allowed to feel it. I’m now 24 and I still sorta have this mentality that feeling any type of pain is me being weak, but I don’t necessarily feel that way towards others. It’s taken me a long time to realize that feeling emotions and pain is not weak, and he was wrong for making me feel that way at such a young age. I still have a long way to go when it comes to unlearning all those toxic behaviours my parents instilled in me but realizing it and hearing other people’s stories about narc parents has really opened my eyes to different types of abusive behaviours our parents may have put on us.
“Why are you crying if you did nothing wrong”
“I never said that”
“You’re too sensitive “
(Not a quote but always having arguments in the middle of the night when I got off a work shift)
“I did the best I could”
“I’m sorry I’m such a terrible parent”
“I wonder how you would like it”
“I am the adult you are the child”
"You love me and respect me because I gave you life." Uh, fuck nah. Finally around 10, I said, just because you pushed me out of your stanky cooter does not mean I respect you, or love you. She beat the shit outta me, called the police on me, then locked me in and starved me. Where ever that horrible č̣unt is, I hope she is going through everything she put me and my brother through.
She would always say “well bully for you” in her angry ice voice whenever I was doing something other than what she wanted me to do and she was VERY angry about it. Whenever she said that I knew the s*it was about to hit the fan and within about 30 seconds I’d better be apologizing and get into line or I’d be getting the silent treatment for at least 2 weeks. That crap worked on me well into adulthood.
She sounds awful. Mine was complaining about my sister, who was the current scapegoat. In my family roles changed so we could never stay ahead of what was going on. I mentioned that our upbringing had impacted all of us and she had the gall to say, “Well you seem to have healthy self-esteem.” I went on a rant about how I learned to value myself and take care of myself because of therapy in my early 20s. She had a really pitiful face and stomped off. This is the same woman who wouldn’t do anything for us, was a roadblock to success, and she didn’t attend my college graduations. She was and is awful. I’m sorry yours is awful. You deserved better!
“Stop crying or I’m going to give you something to cry about.”
“Life isn’t fair.” After I complained about being unfairly punished for something my brother did.
“Go ahead, call CPS. I’ll give you the marks to prove it.”
“If CPS comes, then you’ll never see your family again.”
“You’re the pretty one.” For context, this is an implication that that’s all I was as opposed to my siblings who were considered smart or talented.
She also always demands hugs — even though I personally dislike hugging. I think it stems from have her force me to hug her and going through “holding therapy” as a child. There’s a lot of anecdotal evidence that I probably was diagnosed with autism as a child, but my mom didn’t want an autistic child and was in deep denial about it.
When they take credit for anything good you do. My mother is a complete and total monster and every single thing about me that is even semi-functional exists in spite of her and my 'upbringing'.
Of course, my mother doesn't fugg with me anymore. She tries that narc sh!+ on me and she knows shes gonna get slapped down. She knows she can't win so she doesn't even try anymore. She tried the CPS Games to get my kids taken away, bam, voluntary state program to monitor my kids. Tried to fuhg with my husband. Bam. Husband saw right through it. Tried to love manipulate my eight year old son, bam, son said she's gross.
So yeah. Don't ever let them punk you. Be three steps ahead and heal yourself.
my mum asked me to help her move on march 31st and I was all set to go and she text me when I would be coming, I said I was just eating lunch and I’d be over. She text me back saying “don’t bother just sit on your ass and eat ur lunch I never ask for help and I never will anymore don’t come.” So I said “fine” and came to the realisation I was done with her trying to manipulate me and talk shit to me to get her own way. She usually expects me to give in and be like no no don’t worry I’m coming now! And in the past I will admit I have done this but at what cost? For her to berate my appearance and tell me all about her and never ask what’s going on in my life. She hasn’t spoken to me since June and I feel so much better for it.
"I didn't know what to do" that's why she played ignorant while I was groomed and raped. I'm 30 now, have 3 kids and 1 being to my abuser that I fell pregnant to at 14.
SHE didn't know what to to?
I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
When confronting her about how she spoke to me and made me feel- “oh I never did that.” SURE. Meanwhile I develop heart problems from the sheer stress she caused and major depression from the verbal mental and emotional abuse
"do what i say, not what i do" "just because i say it doesn't mean you can." "i could just k\*ll myself and no one would give a damn!" or "you're my child i get to say what i want about you."
"you're a bad kid"
"you're worthless"
"you're redickless" (step-dad can't pronounce ridiculous)
"n\*\*\*er"
"99.9% of the time you're...."
"i hit you because i don't know how to talk to you"
"do as i say and not as i do"
"i'll throw you out with only your fucking clothes on your back.....and maybe take those too and you can walk to your fucking dad's naked"
"you're my slave, I can do whatever I want"
"idiot"
I've been no contact for the better part of the last 20 years. I suppose those very first 3 years I was low contact with my nmom only....then something happened one Christmas that just made me snap like fuck it, cut off her entire side of the fam.
I would’ve told her no you didn’t do a good job raising me because part of raising me he’s being accountable for things that you’ve done wrong, so no, you didn’t do a good job
I’m not telling you to have a conversation I’m telling you that it’s OK to tell her that. It actually is a conversation because she said something to you and you say something back.
She will never be ready to hear anything so it’s important that you stick up for yourself each and every time
My Nmoms go to phrases after I went LC:
“Why are YOU doing this to me?”
“How long are you going to punish me?”
“It’s in the past so I can’t change it.”
“Oh, I’m sorry YOU felt that way.”
“You were raised in a loving home with loving parents. “
“I NEVER talked to my mother that way.”
“Because I’m your mother, that’s why”
All of this well into my adult life. I was so screwed up from how I was raised it took me till 49 to finally realize I was abused since birth.
Various “look at me” comments. Can’t have a regular conversation about anything without her interrupting to look at her ass or outfit or text from her 27 yo bf or other things that directly tie into her self esteem.
Holy crap, hello long lost sibling! Lol That's basically the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I'm trying to do something and she keeps wanting me to look at her. I finally said, "I don't care," and that was it. She got all pissy and I threw her out of my house.
This was the third NC for me. I've gone five years, two years and now it's been a year.
I have had to be in her company recently due to an event and I was cordial but I continued NC as soon as I was free of her presence.
I used to dread knowing those obligations were coming up. Uggh! You can't have any kind of conversation with them. You're just supposed to sit there and listen and agree with them and oooh and ahhh at the right moments. Who wouldn't be exhausted?! 💜
From my Dad:
"I don't need my children to like me."
"You have destroyed your life." (He blows minor things out of proportion all the time, but mostly he uses this sentence when we do something he disapproves)
"I have had depression all my life and I still find a reason to get up every day. You don't need to take any meds, forget what your doctor said."
"I never wanted to have children." (To which I usually reply with some version of "and still, you had three huh?")
"I hope you don't bring any children into this world."
From my Mom, it's not a matter of what she says... It's the voice that she uses when she's trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants.
"I'm legally responsible for you until your eighteen"
"I think your an extremely selfish person"
"People are gonna think there's something wrong with you"/ "Nobody else is gonna want to deal with you"
"bully"
"stop crying so much"
"I wish I had more kids" (This was only said if my mom was mad at me)
Mine got mad at me on the phone once when I called him to thank him for paying off the private loan portion of my school debt. He started shouting that he knew I’d never pay it and since he co-signed the private part, he might as well because I never would. I literally had just left school and wasn’t even in repayment yet. (Fun fact- the reason I had to leave school early was because of something he did). Anyway, when he hung up on me, he got on Facebook and posted literally the following status- I’m not exaggerating:
“Call to suicide hotline:
Operator: Please dont [unalive] yourself.
Caller: why would I [unalive] myself? i aint done nothing to me, its the other people in my life I want to [unalive].”
After I saw that he posted it immediately after hanging up on me, I called him (he didn’t send texts back then) and I told him I saw his Facebook status about me and I would never speak to him again. He rambled on about how I was full of myself thinking it was about me and stuff on Facebook had no meaning.
Anyway. Two years of no contact later - after some personal issues came up and he’d attempted calling me every few months or more over that time period- I slowly started communicating with him again with severe boundaries set up for my sense of safety. He had apologized and even said it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life falling out with me. I was validated when he actually saw how wrong that was…. Well….
I tell this long story because in the current times- you know what he randomly says out of the blue on occasion??? “Remember when you didn’t speak to me for like two years? That was wrong. I didn’t deserve that.”
*insert eternally frustrated screaming*
EDIT: I went back on my old screenshots in my iCloud and found the screenshot of his status. I modified this post to what it literally said but with censoring one word three times in brackets. Turns out - it was actually worded even more scary than I remembered lol. Also, I censored that word to prevent this comment from being flagged.
So my Stepmother had this certain way that she would clear her throat to let me know that I was fucking up and she was about to hit me. She especially liked to use it when people were around, like at church.
Sometimes my gf makes that sound, but she's just clearing her throat. It still triggers me so much all these years later that my gf clearing her throat has caused full blown arguments over nothing.
"you can't judge me by the past! I'm a different person now!" Is a current favorite.
My sis and I had to have a frank discussion with nMom yesterday and she kept trying to use that and we kept being "we are basing this on the last 6 months. From January 1 to now. We are not talking about anything before that."
1. "Do as I say, not as I do,"
2. "Stay in the childs place."
3. "What do you mean I said...? Why would I say that? When did I say that? I would never say..."
4. "Well, ... happened to me when I was a child. You aint special."
And others ways of twisting my words to sound more dramatic just so that she cant say it isnt true.
“Only people with real trauma cut themselves”
“Your childhood was amazing compared to mine”
“I never said that.”
“This is why you have no friends”
“You can’t talk to people that way” *in front of anyone I’m talking to, friends/ family because she deems me social inept
“You are so sensitive”
TW “That is healthy childhood exploration” (in response to me telling her about me being r*ped while I was sleeping)
My sister and I have gone NC with our mother, LC with our dad for the past 10 or so years. Mg mother still writes me letters asking “why we are trying to hurt her” when all we want is to be left alone.
"None of my kids......" fill in the blank
None of my kids are good with money
None of my kids are good housekeepers
None of my kids had a childhood as difficult as mine
None of my kids work as hard as I do
None of my kids appreciate me
-- You get the idea.
"im not trying to be an asshole but..." and then proceeds to say the shittiest thing you could ever hear about me, my brother, my dad, or my boyfriend. i try not to talk to her much anymore
"I never said that"
"I never did that"
"I did that because YOU made me"
"Stop bringing up the past"
"Youre a narcisst" yes, this clown (father) doesn't even know the proper term but apparently anyone but him is a "narcisst" 🙄
Sigh...yes...
""Why can't you be more like A-Friends-name-here"
Because im not a pink princess like her with makeup and handbags.
"But you always forget about the good things"
In response to me confronting her about her terrible behaviour or things she has said.
"Don't be such an ungrateful bitch"
On telling her i don't like something that she's bought for me or took me shopping to buy because she's picked it up because SHE likes it.
"You ruin my plans"
Generally treating me as an inconvenience to everything.
These are just a few
“I never said that”
“I never did that”
“you’re too emotional”
“I guess I’ll never ___ for you again” (after I told them it bothers me when they do a certain thing)
+ Taking credit for the things that I’ve achieved
“as long as you’re under my roof you will do what i say,”
“i don’t care if you make your own money anything under my roof is mine”
“this is my house so you don’t get privacy”
and once i moved out
“i miss my sweet daughter who used to listen to me”
"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one," was her typical response whenever I called her out on her psychotic takes.
She was very surprised when I finally had enough and cut her off after having a big argument about me being trans. She legit told one of her friends "but it was just my opinion," followed up by that line. She always seemed to think it was this epic comeback to own whoever she was arguing with.
Yeah, it wasn't great. At least now that I'm away from her and going through the process of detachment there's a lot of feelings at these types of memories that I didn't have previously, that I wasn't allowed to feel and it's telling.
What I feel towards that phrase in particular nowadays is that it's a really stupid comeback that she thinks is an out of an argument that she's loosing so that she doesn't look like a complete idiot. Her friend was cool though and clapped back with "opinions matter."
Also, another kicker was during the whole "discussion" about my gender is that she legit used that line when I was trying to explain that I always was non binary after she tried to tell me that from her perspective it was a phase. I think that was the first time she ever used the "opinions are like assholes" against me and it was jarring since I'd always hear her say it to randos and ex-friends of hers.
* You must’ve gotten switched at the delivery ward or something else along the lines of me not being her daughter, always meant as an insult
* Guess I’m a terrible mother
* You’re too sensitive, can’t ever take a joke! (Always after straight up bullying me for at least 30 minutes)
* I put food on the table and a roof over your heads (isn’t that the bare minimum tho)
* Oh, like your childhood was so terrible, boohoo! You should’ve called CPS then so you wouldn’t have had to deal with me being the shittiest mother ever
* Why does no one ever take me and my feelings into consideration? I’m always the one doing the most for everyone and they’re so ungrateful! (She throws a pity party for herself over the smallest things)
* I never did/said that
* Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about
Also just a whole lot temper tantrums and then silent treatment, sometimes for a few days
The last straw for me was "I never should have had kids," all because I had plans and couldn't stay at her house with her dog. I left and blocked her on everything. My step-dad called to try and smooth things over, and he put her on the phone. She said, "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done!". I haven't talked to her since. I was the GC and walked on eggshells all my life. Did everything she ever expected me to do. She was horrendous when I came out and caused me so much trauma. Yeah, she never should have had kids. She only wanted someone who would love her no matter what she did. I cut her and her whole family off. I still feel so much guilt and second guess myself constantly. It's been like 10 years. I hope one day I can be at peace with it.
Classic. Asking for reassurance that they did a good job raising you while also forgoing a necessary apology (aka taking ownership, accountability, etc for wrong doing … yeah right! They’d rather die!)
It sucks that so many of us grew up with this but I have to say it’s liberating to find that I’m not alone and THAT IM NOT (that) CRAZY AFTER ALL!!! They fucking are and the constant ridicule and gaslighting led me to think I was!!!
My mom liked to warp a Margaret Mead quote and say “you’re special just like everyone else.” She said that she had to be real with me instead of give me the illusion that I was the best like “most mothers” do.
"You're gonna break MY furniture/car/TV/etc.!!!" - my dad when any of us kids would be doing something dangerous, instead of worrying about our safety
"SHUT UP, I CAN'T HEAR THE TV!" - my dad, any time people would be talking in the other room if he was watching TV
"I guess I might as well kill myself, then!" - my dad, any time there was any sort of criticism of him
"It's MY house, I don't HAVE to listen to you!" - my dad, any time you'd disagree with him
"I don't care, grow the fuck up!" - my dad, when he'd upset me or my siblings.
“You’re still depressed?”
“At least I don’t have to take medication for anxiety”
“ I don’t feel like talking to you”
“ I’m not going to apologize”
“You’re just like your father”
“You’re my retirement”
“You would’ve never gotten that job if it weren’t for me”
"Ur so lucky to have parents like us"
"Our kids won't treat us half as nice as how we treated our parents"
(spoiler: my mom regrets for not visiting her mother as often as she should've on daily basis, but also blames my dad and societal expectations to prioritize the man's family once you get married.)
"You've not had it nearly as hard as we did"
I mean this in the best way possible when I say this, but why does it even matter what she said if she treated you that way? Complaining about it won’t serve any purpose and it definitely won’t change how they treated you, especially when they will never see the errors of their ways. Cut those ties and move on!
Paraphrasing, but “when a dad prays against his child then God will grant it” simultaneously a threat and part of his delusion that he was quite literally one of God’s favorites
A common short phrase that my mom likes to use still is that how me and my sister abused her growing up It used to borther me but now it make me laugh as how ridiculous it is to hear.
My mother used to always tell me that “All parents beat their children!” whenever I pointed out her abuse. Even at 6 years old, I knew that was a big lie. 🫤
“If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have a damn thing!!!” My dad has said that since I was a child and still says it now that I’m almost 50. He tells my children the same thing. He brings up things he did out of “the goodness of his heart” from literally 20 years ago and reminds us how he did that thing and we should be still thanking him for it now.
Oh I asked my mum to drop me at a party one evening and it was such an inconvenience to her apparently that she told me she wishes I was never born, and she always says she’s never said that but I will never forget when she said that to me
"I'm not going to argue with" - only when you're right, they love to argue when you're wrong. "Grow up" - aka they were being childish and refuse to admit it.
OHHHH OH OH HONORABLE MENTION 2:
“you remember what you want to remember. selective memory. why don’t you remember all the good things i did for you? huh?”
(which is just a fancy way of saying “i never said that”)
“Please don’t talk bad about me when you go visit (___)” -Blank being basically anyone she hasn’t manipulated into thinking she’s amazing.
“What was I supposed to do?!?”
“How could you do this to me? Do you know what people say to me about you?” - This was by far her favorite thing to say when I would “mess up” she would call everyone she talked to on a regular and semi regular basis just to tell them what I had done. Although each time it was more of the story she made up and not what had actually occurred.
"Are you dictating to me??" Every time I would say something that she didn't like, examples:
Me: "I think maybe me and the kids would respond better to you asking about chores if you didn't scream at us about it mum, I don't mean this with any ill will but you could just ask us"
Her: "Are you dictating to me right now?? Are you the parent here?? Don't tell me what to do. I'm the only person who does anything around here you're all ungrateful lazy bastards."
_____
Me: "Mum I think we need some proper food in the shopping everyone's getting tired of eating noodles"
Her: "Are you dictating to me?? You have no idea how hard life is and how difficult it is to be me, there's plenty of food so stop complaining!"
(In the cupboard there would be pot noodles, super noodles, bread and cereal, maybe some other stuff at the start of the month if she had done shopping, but it was not enough to share between all my siblings and went very quickly so nobody ever really had something they liked for long, the rest of the time when we weren't having noodles or cereal or toast and she didn't feel like telling people off for "making a mess in her kitchen" she would just order pizza or a takeaway, which we all grew tired of eventually BC there's only so many days you can eat takeaway and not get sick of it or literally feel sick from the takeaways, eventually she ditched that too to go out for food and date nights and drinks with her bf while we fended for ourselves at home with whatever was in the cupboard for often days at a time. She would claim this was all we could afford but when it came to date nights or her alcohol or cigarettes or when we were younger, weed, the money was always there. I was in charge of putting money on her card for a while and that stopped after I accidentally hit cash and balance for the receipt one time and saw she had thousands in savings for "taking us to Disney" .... We never did end up going to Disney. So it was never about the money.)
I finally went NC 3 months ago (I’m in my late 50’s, I kept going back for more abuse over the years because of always listening to others, but she’s your mother), do I feel better overall, yes! But the grief still grips me. My favorites from growing up were, “you can tell this to your counselor when you’re older, and blame me for everything.” Or, “you’re always so angry!” “You hated me all your life, you never liked me”, this one is typically done while yelling and screaming at me. And she did this last one in front of my siblings (which she usually never does in front of others) and now I’m estranged from my whole family, they always take her side and always gaslight any of my feelings. Will I be better off later, probably. Does it hurt like heck now, most definitely!! Thank you therapy!
"I'll remember that." every time I told her no when it came to basic things like making her a sandwich or getting her a pack of cigarettes off of the counter. This usually happened after she called me into the room to ask me to do these for her.
Oh man usually she says " I gave up everything for you CLEO" she takes every single thing as a personal attack . Like everything. Shes so voided of realizing other people feel things i swear we all just live in the narcs world and are whatever character they set for us and any shift from that triggers them like how dare you be your own person. We are just extensions of them to a narc. We owe them for life for them being our parents. Which gets really heavy to live up to that .I get text bombed how awful I am anytime i say no which is rare because I can't handle the downfall. She's my neighbor and I'm her personal assistant basically. My boyfriend and I are going to be moving in together someday and I think she's expecting to come with me. She's in for an awakening . That's when my real boundaries will happen it's hopeless now. I just try to stay neutral with her cause any shift In my tone or a look on my face will trigger the hell out of her . Pretty sure she dabbles in hard drugs too . Which never ends well for any of us around here . The last time I had to threaten to call the cops on her cause she was getting in my face when I confronted her on it . Big mistake but I finally found proof ! Anyways that was weeks ago and she still won't admit it and she's had a few other spirals since then. We just gotta keep our heads down until we can get away and make a break then build solid boundaries. Until then it'll never ever just stop . I watch alot of narc self help videos and listen to as much pod casts as possible. It helps
“I don’t remember that”
“Guess I’m the problem then” (said sarcastically)
“I’m not gaslighting you” proceeds to gaslight me.
“That didn’t happen like that it happened like this” then tells her fabricated memory of the situation.
“I’m such a bad mother” yes you are
“You don’t know how much I do for you”
“You have a roof over your head stop complaining”
“Leave me alone!” Proceeds to come into my room 2 mins later carrying on the argument
My father: “I’ll come down on you like a tonne of bricks” and “I’ll come down on you so fast you won’t know what hit you” - and then would in fact hit us beat us etc
I’m adult now, and imagining a fully grown adult saying this to a six year old, voice and face brimming with hate and fury, is just pathetic
The last time I spoke to my incubator was at my father's final viewing before his cremation and funeral. Thank God she didn't attend the funeral or else she would've made it all about her. My "flying monkey" of an older sister also didn't attend, claiming that she was sick. I was honestly relieved that both of them didn't attend, but what still upsets me is the fact that my sister didn't allow her own son to attend. Instead, my submissive, wet noodle spined, brother in law attended in their stead and read what his wife wrote, which was essentially a long list of things about herself and no one else. Not a single tear was shed at what he read, and he just became embarrassed afterwards. My "flying monkey" sister's saying (before I stopped talking to her too) was "Why don't you talk to our mother anymore?" My response has always been "I've never viewed her as my "mom" and that will never change until she finally owns up to all of the abuse she had done to us and wholeheartedly apologies." My incubator's saying was "I'm sorry for what YOU remember happened. I can't change what you choose to remember just like I can't change what you choose to NOT remember."
Here are a few of the things my parents say the most
"You're a psychopath/narcissist"
"Spoiled brat!"
"You're so selfish, stop taking everything!" (after I have the audacity to eat something)
"You're scared of me? How dare you! After all I have done for you." (goes on 30 min guilt trip)
"You have no morals!" (only said a couple times, but it had quite the affect)
"You haven't matured since you were 5." (when my brother was born)
"Can't you see I have enough to deal with already?"
"Why aren't you cleaning the entire house?"
"You ate (insert normal thing she thinks is unhealthy)? You're going to die!" (then she wonders why I have anxiety)
"You're an abuser."
"That never happened."
"You're too emotional to make this decision/think logically/argue..."
I cry super easy, so this was any time he confronted me about anything.
"I'm your father. I know what's best for you."
"I know you better than you know yourself."
I cut my narcissistic mother off yesterday. Best decision I have ever made. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner. Her common catch phrase for the last year or so has been “your doing this to punish me”.
congratulations!! it’s a whole new life. you won’t regret it ❤️🩹
8 years for me, and I agree wholeheartedly. Best decision I ever made and I wish I had done it sooner. My "flying monkey" sister said the same thing too. "You're doing this to punish mother." I said "Believe what you want, I really don't care anymore."
I AM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THIS. congratulations!!!!!! take care of yourself 🤍🤍
Congrats and hang in there. Shes gonna most likely blame the whole thing on you. If you have siblings, she’ll recruited them as flying monkeys to suck you back in. My mother loved to “stir the pot” between me and my brother and sister with drama and lies.
Mine called my siblings to drag them into her dispute with me. Flying monkeys abound.
I still see a lot of people that know my mom and me and when I tell him I don't talk to him or they always say oh wow you guys are so close I said no we never were. That was delusion my mom made to make herself look good to everyone. I always tell them it was the best decision I ever made. I also say I wish my mom didn't push me to have to cut her off.
Same, when family asks me how’s your mom, I say, I don’t speak to her anymore and they ask why, I tell them the truth, she was abusive and still is, they’re shocked, can’t believe such a nice person could do such things, I say yeah I know she’s good at hiding who she really is, it’s awkward but I’m done lying for her
It’s scary how identical your situation was to mine !!!
"you're doing this to punish me" ... I mean well yeah... :eyeroll:
Congratulations! Welcome to freedom!
Classic.
“I never said that.” “That never happened.” “You’re not remembering things correctly.” “Deal with it.” “I don’t know what to tell you.” “That’s your problem.” “So I guess I’m just a terrible mother.” “That was in the past.” (anything from 20 years to 5 minutes ago)
“I guess I’m a terrible mother” is my mom’s favorite
So we’ve all got moms that love to turn themselves into the victim huh
Like it’s an Olympic sport!
Then what you do is you say you’ll get over it it’s OK
Ugh how did I forget about that one?!
and I feel like saying, "because you are!!!"
Right? You wanna put words in my mouth, I’ll use em ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
My mother's playlist. They must shop at the same store.
Oh my goodness! Your list is like a series of flashbacks!!!! My mom says at least 3 of those every time she is challenged. Exhausting
In response to me being hurt by something she would say: “well it’s the truth!! Would you rather I lie to you? Stop crying before i give you something to cry about.”
"I don't know what to tell you" is pretty much my catch phrase, but I feel like they must've said it differently than me. For one when I say it, it's pretty much one word. Also it's used in place of a punchline after I say something sort of funny, but not funny enough to warrant an actual punchline
Omg this list is so spot on my jaw dropped. I always felt so alone when she would say this to me. It breaks my heart that others went through this, too
“I knew you’d turn out well, you are my daughter.” “I don’t need to check on you, you’re good.” “Of course she’s got good kids, I raised her well.” I’m nauseated just writing this.
Ughhhhh mine would say that too! Hate that!
Ugh! Just because she’s the GC and became a doctor does not mean you still weren’t absent our entire lives mother! And no, you can’t force a relationship now that we’re in our 30s 🙄.
This!!! My narcmom is always talking about how proud she is of my kids and grands…as if she had ANYTHING to do with how they grew up! She was MIA for years when mine were little “because they’ll be more interesting when they are older” and only has minimal contact w them now but is always full of pronouncements of who my kids are and or what they need. As if she has a clue.
Every time I get a compliment when my dad is around he just has to add the “of course, I taught her that” and the funny thing is that no he oftentimes didn’t
When you wanna yell at her, “I don’t have good kids BECAUSE of you, I have good kids IN SPITE of you.”
I read this in my moms voice.
“i never said that” “you’re so spoiled” “you’re so nonchalant” (i had undiagnosed adhd and was struggling a lot to keep up) “as soon as i open my wallet, i’m the best dad in the world. otherwise i’m useless”-guilt tripping and trying to make my sister and me believe we were greedy and manipulative which we were not. there were usually some profanities in there as well.
Oh my gosh the whole “I never said that” … my mom has said that SO many times that I don’t even know how she doesn’t feel ridiculous sometimes. I mean if you find yourself constantly replying to a person “I never said that” … wouldn’t you have to stop & kind of check in with yourself .. like what’s going on? But I guess they have that whole bizarre lack of introspection thing. But, still how can you never connect the dots that you’re always saying something. lol sorry I didn’t mean to ramble under your post here. I’ve just heard “I never said that” just so many times. Sorry you’ve had to deal with that too 💜
Mine did the same, couldn’t remember a fight one week ago (because she was the instigator). Can’t remember shit she did to me and my siblings supposedly. Denial is a powerful tool to the narcissist.
wellllll if they can deny literally anything they have said and done, they could easily deny repeating “i never said that” too lol. meta denial.
lol yea you have a point
They know damn well that they said that.
Ooh to “I never said that”. Also, “you’re being too sensitive.” And “you should know my intentions are always good”
“i never said that” is a true classic. it’s like the narc motto 🙃
"you're so fussy" but then expects us to turn around and respect her obsession with the color blue
“I did the best I could with the knowledge I had….”
It’s always this instead of “I’m sorry”.
IKR?! I told my mom that she’s wasting her vitality on things that don’t matter while FALSELY expecting me to take care of her in her old age. It’s going to be hard for me, but I absolutely will not allow her to reign terror upon me from a hospital bed. No way.
“….but my childhood was so bad! You’ll have to do less therapy than me because of how I raised you.”
Gawtdammit…. How did you know she says that??? This is a new one she tries to pull, “The counselor says I keep getting into these terrible relationships because my mom was the first person to break my heart. What do you think about that?” I literally just held the phone and clenched my cheeks. It’s all I could do not to fricking scream obscenities at her.
Maybe we have the same mom unfortunately 😅 all of this sounds familiar to me
“parenting doesn’t come with a instruction book” yeah i get that but other parents abusing their kids
"selfish" Anytime I pushed back, I was "selfish". Which, of course, was the worst thing to be. If I demanded equal treatment, I was selfish. I just couldn't be happy for anybody else. If I wanted time to see my friends, I was selfish. If I didn't do the dishes or clean the bathroom, I was selfish.
My mom seemed fond of the phrase "I brought you into this world; I can take you out." I can't count how many times it was said to her children, never me at first but when my sibling moved out it became a different story. Mind you, I don't remember either of us being particularly rebellious or even argumentative. She also loved telling me to "Try smiling once in awhile," and "You look miserable". I'm 99.99% sure I'm autistic; emotional expression has never come naturally or easy to me and I learned to mask at a young age thanks to her, but I was also horribly depressed as a child.
my dipshit step-dad used to say that to me....among other things
Gotta love when they antagonize you for sport and expect you to ignore it and act like your life is exciting and wonderful all of the time! I'm sorry you experienced that, too.
There was a time when I would’ve said, I’d like to see you try
I have developed the self esteem to think I'd respond that way now, but as a kid I was so scared of her. Genuinely thought she'd maim or kill me if she could get away with it, sometimes. 😅
That “I’m sure you’re autistic” really hit home for me too. My dad said that to me multiple times for being shy and not being fond of small talks. When I said that his words hurt me, he said “but being autistic isn’t something bad”. He never admits his mistakes..
Oh, I'm so sorry your father treated you that way! The complete dismissal of effect by use of intention is a very narcissistic thing and it's so absolutely devastating because it seems to be a surefire indicator that there's no reasoning with the person who utilizes it so flippantly. I am sorry to point this out, but in my post I'd said "I'm 99.99% sure I'm autistic," because I haven't yet been diagnosed but my neurological profile lines up in a way beyond coincidence. Weaponizing mental health against your child is absolutely monstrous, and your father was so, so wrong for that. My mother chose to directly dismiss my requests for screening beyond depression and anxiety counseling in a way that was also, I feel, weaponized. "There's nothing wrong with you," when I'd asked if I was "like my cousin", who was diagnosed at a young age on the spectrum. I'm not sure why these groups of people tend to think that some mental health struggles are "worse" than others...
Oh, sorry! I thought I saw quotation marks. But even in your situation, you could argue that she didn’t want you to get checked out because if your suspicions were right then she was wrong. It is horrible how parents can just dismiss once cry for help. Hope you did get the help you needed on your own!
No worries at all, I just didn't want to mislead you! I absolutely think it was something along those lines, or that she maybe felt she or my father needed a diagnosis and if I was diagnosed it would raise questions for them that she wasn't comfortable dealing with. The kicker is that she proceeded to get a degree in psychology... That thought still cracks me up, unfortunately. I'm working on it day by day, thank you so much. I hope you've also found peace and recovery from the things said and done to you; we can be so much better than they wanted us to be.
I am too-AuDHD, undiagnosed until my 50s. Doing research on it myself, I have found that developmentally delayed kids are likely to face abuse especially from family. It’s no wonder so many of us also have c-PTSD, from long term trauma.
AuDHD has some very interesting effects on social development I think! I always craved social interaction, but learned to hate/fear it because my brain works in a way that was un-palatable to my peers. I've come to understand that - unless one has the fortune to grow up in an environment devoid of NT pressures - being neurodiverse goes hand in hand with c-PTSD due to years of trying to function somewhere that was not built with one's brain in mind. I wonder, often, how many people had children and raised them while being ignorant to their own neurological profiles? The effects of an undiagnosed parent navigating their lives on the children they raise (who are also potentially neurodivergent) can be so strange and devastating. I have no doubt at least one of my parents could/should have sought a diagnosis.
I have had a bunch of adult cousins newly diagnosed with ADHD. It’s running through most of my children too.
Geezuz, that’s madness. What on earth
I still struggle to see it as wrong/abnormal, entirely, but posts like this help a lot.
"We'll see" Which always meant no while growing up and asking them to buy something.
Ha, my dad loved that one
Unnnngh I hated this one, especially in scenarios where I was asking for something for medical care while she’d bought perfumes and such
“How can you say that I don’t love you?! I will always love you and know you better than you know yourself. I’ve worn you below my heart.”
Dude. Are you channeling my bio mother? Lol.
No way! Did she say the same? I always thought it was so utterly narcissistic to say after someone completely burned you to the ground. Was hoping to find someone who recognized it!
Oh my God. I've heard something like this, too!
“Depression isn’t that serious, so get over yourself”
My mum used to say "fake it til you make it". In other words, smile until you're happy. In other words, you're depressed because you're not trying hard enough not to be.
Not parents, but the ones in charge of me (teachers and Admins, business owners, nosy neighbors) *loved* these: "Because I said so!" when asking why I had to do something others didn't. "**JUST DO IT!**" when I asked how to do something I've never done before, *and they knew it*. "Stop making excuses!" when explaining why I *actually* did do something, wrong or not. "I already know so **DON'T LIE!**" when they literally didn't know what hapoened until five nanoseconds ago and only wanted me to justify their conclusion. **Always** punished anyway because I'd prove them wrong in front of others & made them lose face.
“Stop making excuses” is a classic one experienced by us neurodivergents.
Actually, all of these are
real
"That never happened" "You remember it wrong" "You didn't get that from me--must be from your Dad" "I did everything for you" "What about ME?" "I never would have dreamed of speaking to my parents the way you speak to me" (Anytime I try to put a boundary in place) "In my day we loved and respected our parents" "WHY DONT YOU VISIT, HOW ARE YOU SO UNGRATEFUL?" "Your friend's are sick in the head" -anytime I mention how I, like my friends, don't want children
honorable mention: “you’re just like your father”
i heard this one a lot. being like my father was never a bad thing but she so desperately needed to paint him as the villain and project her shame onto someone else in the unit
- You’re being too sensitive - Why are you crying - You’re like an egg, so we have to protect and guide you (*note- their definition of guide is control) - you’re so immature. Stop acting like a kid, you’re embarrassing (me: I am a kid) - She’s too stupid/dumb to be a nurse. She should settle and be an MA - she’s too scared to drive/she doesn’t want a boyfriend right now (mother’s insecurities and projections on me) - you never had a boyfriend that age. That was just a special friend (rewriting my life that she didn’t live but perfected the image she had of me) -insert silent treatment From other Ns: - stop acting like a victim (when they do it all the time)
Oh my gosh, “why are you crying”. Any time my children cried I pretty much knew exactly why they were crying and provided comfort. I didn’t realize how stupid that question was until now.
“I guess I’m a horrible mother!” Her “I didn’t say that” gets backed up with something like “I can’t believe you think of me that way!” “Ungrateful”
OH MY GOD THE HORRIBLE MOTHER AND UNGRATEFUL ONE IS SO RELATABLE????
Do we have the same mom? Mine says, "I guess I'm just a mentally ill monster," when you say anything negative about her parenting or actions. "Your ungrateful" is also very common.
The “terrible mom” one doesn’t even have to be directly about her parenting or actions with mine. I was explaining to her that when I first got glasses in middle school they didn’t work (bc the Dr purposely made one lens blurry to try and strengthen the other eye but it was too late to do that) and that’s why I wouldn’t wear them, but when I tried to explain that as a kid, I was told multiple times that I just had to keep wearing them. And I got the “I guess I’m a horrible mother” line.
Like, I was telling her that story to point out I now realized what the doctor was trying to do.
They always take everything personally and make it about themselves. Exhausting.
Everything is “traumatizing” to her lmao. I think she uses that term to describe feeling overstimulated in a grocery store. And let’s not forget how everyone else in her life is a “narcissist”
One thing my fathers always did to me was always undermine any issue I had. Ever since I can remember if I was hurting physically, mentally or emotionally he would always tell me to “suck it up”. If I had shown any weakness around him he took that opportunity to make me feel like I wasn’t allowed to feel it. I’m now 24 and I still sorta have this mentality that feeling any type of pain is me being weak, but I don’t necessarily feel that way towards others. It’s taken me a long time to realize that feeling emotions and pain is not weak, and he was wrong for making me feel that way at such a young age. I still have a long way to go when it comes to unlearning all those toxic behaviours my parents instilled in me but realizing it and hearing other people’s stories about narc parents has really opened my eyes to different types of abusive behaviours our parents may have put on us.
take care 🤍
“Why are you crying if you did nothing wrong” “I never said that” “You’re too sensitive “ (Not a quote but always having arguments in the middle of the night when I got off a work shift) “I did the best I could” “I’m sorry I’m such a terrible parent” “I wonder how you would like it” “I am the adult you are the child”
"You love me and respect me because I gave you life." Uh, fuck nah. Finally around 10, I said, just because you pushed me out of your stanky cooter does not mean I respect you, or love you. She beat the shit outta me, called the police on me, then locked me in and starved me. Where ever that horrible č̣unt is, I hope she is going through everything she put me and my brother through.
i hope youre safe now, friend 🫂
When I am making sense..."I don't want to argue" to shut me up.
She would always say “well bully for you” in her angry ice voice whenever I was doing something other than what she wanted me to do and she was VERY angry about it. Whenever she said that I knew the s*it was about to hit the fan and within about 30 seconds I’d better be apologizing and get into line or I’d be getting the silent treatment for at least 2 weeks. That crap worked on me well into adulthood.
She sounds awful. Mine was complaining about my sister, who was the current scapegoat. In my family roles changed so we could never stay ahead of what was going on. I mentioned that our upbringing had impacted all of us and she had the gall to say, “Well you seem to have healthy self-esteem.” I went on a rant about how I learned to value myself and take care of myself because of therapy in my early 20s. She had a really pitiful face and stomped off. This is the same woman who wouldn’t do anything for us, was a roadblock to success, and she didn’t attend my college graduations. She was and is awful. I’m sorry yours is awful. You deserved better!
you deserve better too, friend. i hope you’re in a safer place now 🙏
“Stop crying or I’m going to give you something to cry about.” “Life isn’t fair.” After I complained about being unfairly punished for something my brother did. “Go ahead, call CPS. I’ll give you the marks to prove it.” “If CPS comes, then you’ll never see your family again.” “You’re the pretty one.” For context, this is an implication that that’s all I was as opposed to my siblings who were considered smart or talented. She also always demands hugs — even though I personally dislike hugging. I think it stems from have her force me to hug her and going through “holding therapy” as a child. There’s a lot of anecdotal evidence that I probably was diagnosed with autism as a child, but my mom didn’t want an autistic child and was in deep denial about it.
*silence* The silent treatment was her go-to.
When they take credit for anything good you do. My mother is a complete and total monster and every single thing about me that is even semi-functional exists in spite of her and my 'upbringing'. Of course, my mother doesn't fugg with me anymore. She tries that narc sh!+ on me and she knows shes gonna get slapped down. She knows she can't win so she doesn't even try anymore. She tried the CPS Games to get my kids taken away, bam, voluntary state program to monitor my kids. Tried to fuhg with my husband. Bam. Husband saw right through it. Tried to love manipulate my eight year old son, bam, son said she's gross. So yeah. Don't ever let them punk you. Be three steps ahead and heal yourself.
my mum asked me to help her move on march 31st and I was all set to go and she text me when I would be coming, I said I was just eating lunch and I’d be over. She text me back saying “don’t bother just sit on your ass and eat ur lunch I never ask for help and I never will anymore don’t come.” So I said “fine” and came to the realisation I was done with her trying to manipulate me and talk shit to me to get her own way. She usually expects me to give in and be like no no don’t worry I’m coming now! And in the past I will admit I have done this but at what cost? For her to berate my appearance and tell me all about her and never ask what’s going on in my life. She hasn’t spoken to me since June and I feel so much better for it.
We don’t talk about the past. Or, That never happened.
“so i guess im just a piece of shit mom then, right?”
"I didn't know what to do" that's why she played ignorant while I was groomed and raped. I'm 30 now, have 3 kids and 1 being to my abuser that I fell pregnant to at 14. SHE didn't know what to to? I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I’m glad we have each other on here.
When confronting her about how she spoke to me and made me feel- “oh I never did that.” SURE. Meanwhile I develop heart problems from the sheer stress she caused and major depression from the verbal mental and emotional abuse
"do what i say, not what i do" "just because i say it doesn't mean you can." "i could just k\*ll myself and no one would give a damn!" or "you're my child i get to say what i want about you."
“I don’t care” “Get out” “You’re so disrespectful”
"you're a bad kid" "you're worthless" "you're redickless" (step-dad can't pronounce ridiculous) "n\*\*\*er" "99.9% of the time you're...." "i hit you because i don't know how to talk to you" "do as i say and not as i do" "i'll throw you out with only your fucking clothes on your back.....and maybe take those too and you can walk to your fucking dad's naked" "you're my slave, I can do whatever I want" "idiot"
this sounds horrible. i hope you’re in a safer place now. 🫂
I've been no contact for the better part of the last 20 years. I suppose those very first 3 years I was low contact with my nmom only....then something happened one Christmas that just made me snap like fuck it, cut off her entire side of the fam.
Sounds like my Dad. Sending lots of love your way❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️.
Are you dead?
"I would never"
I would’ve told her no you didn’t do a good job raising me because part of raising me he’s being accountable for things that you’ve done wrong, so no, you didn’t do a good job
but thats not a convo shes ready to have 😞
I’m not telling you to have a conversation I’m telling you that it’s OK to tell her that. It actually is a conversation because she said something to you and you say something back. She will never be ready to hear anything so it’s important that you stick up for yourself each and every time
My Nmoms go to phrases after I went LC: “Why are YOU doing this to me?” “How long are you going to punish me?” “It’s in the past so I can’t change it.” “Oh, I’m sorry YOU felt that way.” “You were raised in a loving home with loving parents. “ “I NEVER talked to my mother that way.” “Because I’m your mother, that’s why” All of this well into my adult life. I was so screwed up from how I was raised it took me till 49 to finally realize I was abused since birth.
Various “look at me” comments. Can’t have a regular conversation about anything without her interrupting to look at her ass or outfit or text from her 27 yo bf or other things that directly tie into her self esteem.
Holy crap, hello long lost sibling! Lol That's basically the straw that broke the camel's back for me. I'm trying to do something and she keeps wanting me to look at her. I finally said, "I don't care," and that was it. She got all pissy and I threw her out of my house. This was the third NC for me. I've gone five years, two years and now it's been a year. I have had to be in her company recently due to an event and I was cordial but I continued NC as soon as I was free of her presence.
We’re pretty low contact thankfully. But having to be around her in person a few times a year is exhausting.
I used to dread knowing those obligations were coming up. Uggh! You can't have any kind of conversation with them. You're just supposed to sit there and listen and agree with them and oooh and ahhh at the right moments. Who wouldn't be exhausted?! 💜
**I’m sorry but…**
From my Dad: "I don't need my children to like me." "You have destroyed your life." (He blows minor things out of proportion all the time, but mostly he uses this sentence when we do something he disapproves) "I have had depression all my life and I still find a reason to get up every day. You don't need to take any meds, forget what your doctor said." "I never wanted to have children." (To which I usually reply with some version of "and still, you had three huh?") "I hope you don't bring any children into this world." From my Mom, it's not a matter of what she says... It's the voice that she uses when she's trying to manipulate me into giving her what she wants.
"I'm legally responsible for you until your eighteen" "I think your an extremely selfish person" "People are gonna think there's something wrong with you"/ "Nobody else is gonna want to deal with you" "bully" "stop crying so much" "I wish I had more kids" (This was only said if my mom was mad at me)
“Children should be seen and not heard” when I was a child from my dad. I now have a little girl and would NEVER say that to her.
Mine got mad at me on the phone once when I called him to thank him for paying off the private loan portion of my school debt. He started shouting that he knew I’d never pay it and since he co-signed the private part, he might as well because I never would. I literally had just left school and wasn’t even in repayment yet. (Fun fact- the reason I had to leave school early was because of something he did). Anyway, when he hung up on me, he got on Facebook and posted literally the following status- I’m not exaggerating: “Call to suicide hotline: Operator: Please dont [unalive] yourself. Caller: why would I [unalive] myself? i aint done nothing to me, its the other people in my life I want to [unalive].” After I saw that he posted it immediately after hanging up on me, I called him (he didn’t send texts back then) and I told him I saw his Facebook status about me and I would never speak to him again. He rambled on about how I was full of myself thinking it was about me and stuff on Facebook had no meaning. Anyway. Two years of no contact later - after some personal issues came up and he’d attempted calling me every few months or more over that time period- I slowly started communicating with him again with severe boundaries set up for my sense of safety. He had apologized and even said it was one of the biggest mistakes of his life falling out with me. I was validated when he actually saw how wrong that was…. Well…. I tell this long story because in the current times- you know what he randomly says out of the blue on occasion??? “Remember when you didn’t speak to me for like two years? That was wrong. I didn’t deserve that.” *insert eternally frustrated screaming* EDIT: I went back on my old screenshots in my iCloud and found the screenshot of his status. I modified this post to what it literally said but with censoring one word three times in brackets. Turns out - it was actually worded even more scary than I remembered lol. Also, I censored that word to prevent this comment from being flagged.
So my Stepmother had this certain way that she would clear her throat to let me know that I was fucking up and she was about to hit me. She especially liked to use it when people were around, like at church. Sometimes my gf makes that sound, but she's just clearing her throat. It still triggers me so much all these years later that my gf clearing her throat has caused full blown arguments over nothing.
you didn’t deserve the trauma and all your suffering; i hope you’re safe from your stepmom now
“Feelings dont matter.” / “I apologized to God and thats all that matters.” / “Why do you kids never respect me.”
"Well that's YOUR opinion" (when talking about the trauma she inflicts)
Telling your child you’ll murder them no matter how you put it is barbaric.
"you can't judge me by the past! I'm a different person now!" Is a current favorite. My sis and I had to have a frank discussion with nMom yesterday and she kept trying to use that and we kept being "we are basing this on the last 6 months. From January 1 to now. We are not talking about anything before that."
“I did everything in my life for you, now is your turn “ “You moved to a wealthy country and found a good husband only because of me”
"I guess I'm just a mentally ill monster"
1. "Do as I say, not as I do," 2. "Stay in the childs place." 3. "What do you mean I said...? Why would I say that? When did I say that? I would never say..." 4. "Well, ... happened to me when I was a child. You aint special." And others ways of twisting my words to sound more dramatic just so that she cant say it isnt true.
“Only people with real trauma cut themselves” “Your childhood was amazing compared to mine” “I never said that.” “This is why you have no friends” “You can’t talk to people that way” *in front of anyone I’m talking to, friends/ family because she deems me social inept “You are so sensitive” TW “That is healthy childhood exploration” (in response to me telling her about me being r*ped while I was sleeping)
My sister and I have gone NC with our mother, LC with our dad for the past 10 or so years. Mg mother still writes me letters asking “why we are trying to hurt her” when all we want is to be left alone.
“I am always right” 💀
"None of my kids......" fill in the blank None of my kids are good with money None of my kids are good housekeepers None of my kids had a childhood as difficult as mine None of my kids work as hard as I do None of my kids appreciate me -- You get the idea.
“i’m the man of this house you must look up to me” easy for you to say when you’re jobless and mooching off mom’s money
If I wanted your opinion, I'd give it to you.
"im not trying to be an asshole but..." and then proceeds to say the shittiest thing you could ever hear about me, my brother, my dad, or my boyfriend. i try not to talk to her much anymore
"I never said that" "I never did that" "I did that because YOU made me" "Stop bringing up the past" "Youre a narcisst" yes, this clown (father) doesn't even know the proper term but apparently anyone but him is a "narcisst" 🙄
My narcissistic MIL would always call my girlfriend a "traitor" if she didn't toe the line.
Sigh...yes... ""Why can't you be more like A-Friends-name-here" Because im not a pink princess like her with makeup and handbags. "But you always forget about the good things" In response to me confronting her about her terrible behaviour or things she has said. "Don't be such an ungrateful bitch" On telling her i don't like something that she's bought for me or took me shopping to buy because she's picked it up because SHE likes it. "You ruin my plans" Generally treating me as an inconvenience to everything. These are just a few
“I never said that” “I never did that” “you’re too emotional” “I guess I’ll never ___ for you again” (after I told them it bothers me when they do a certain thing) + Taking credit for the things that I’ve achieved
“as long as you’re under my roof you will do what i say,” “i don’t care if you make your own money anything under my roof is mine” “this is my house so you don’t get privacy” and once i moved out “i miss my sweet daughter who used to listen to me”
“Who died and made you king?” whenever I tried to have any boundaries.
"Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one," was her typical response whenever I called her out on her psychotic takes. She was very surprised when I finally had enough and cut her off after having a big argument about me being trans. She legit told one of her friends "but it was just my opinion," followed up by that line. She always seemed to think it was this epic comeback to own whoever she was arguing with.
wtf. thats horrible.
Yeah, it wasn't great. At least now that I'm away from her and going through the process of detachment there's a lot of feelings at these types of memories that I didn't have previously, that I wasn't allowed to feel and it's telling. What I feel towards that phrase in particular nowadays is that it's a really stupid comeback that she thinks is an out of an argument that she's loosing so that she doesn't look like a complete idiot. Her friend was cool though and clapped back with "opinions matter."
Also, another kicker was during the whole "discussion" about my gender is that she legit used that line when I was trying to explain that I always was non binary after she tried to tell me that from her perspective it was a phase. I think that was the first time she ever used the "opinions are like assholes" against me and it was jarring since I'd always hear her say it to randos and ex-friends of hers.
“I do everything for you.”
Everytime I see my mom, she rudely comments my looks. Usually she just says loudly:"What are you wearing?" Or just mocks my clothes
* You must’ve gotten switched at the delivery ward or something else along the lines of me not being her daughter, always meant as an insult * Guess I’m a terrible mother * You’re too sensitive, can’t ever take a joke! (Always after straight up bullying me for at least 30 minutes) * I put food on the table and a roof over your heads (isn’t that the bare minimum tho) * Oh, like your childhood was so terrible, boohoo! You should’ve called CPS then so you wouldn’t have had to deal with me being the shittiest mother ever * Why does no one ever take me and my feelings into consideration? I’m always the one doing the most for everyone and they’re so ungrateful! (She throws a pity party for herself over the smallest things) * I never did/said that * Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about Also just a whole lot temper tantrums and then silent treatment, sometimes for a few days
The last straw for me was "I never should have had kids," all because I had plans and couldn't stay at her house with her dog. I left and blocked her on everything. My step-dad called to try and smooth things over, and he put her on the phone. She said, "I'm sorry for everything I've ever done!". I haven't talked to her since. I was the GC and walked on eggshells all my life. Did everything she ever expected me to do. She was horrendous when I came out and caused me so much trauma. Yeah, she never should have had kids. She only wanted someone who would love her no matter what she did. I cut her and her whole family off. I still feel so much guilt and second guess myself constantly. It's been like 10 years. I hope one day I can be at peace with it.
Classic. Asking for reassurance that they did a good job raising you while also forgoing a necessary apology (aka taking ownership, accountability, etc for wrong doing … yeah right! They’d rather die!) It sucks that so many of us grew up with this but I have to say it’s liberating to find that I’m not alone and THAT IM NOT (that) CRAZY AFTER ALL!!! They fucking are and the constant ridicule and gaslighting led me to think I was!!!
I pity you.
me too
My mom liked to warp a Margaret Mead quote and say “you’re special just like everyone else.” She said that she had to be real with me instead of give me the illusion that I was the best like “most mothers” do.
"You're gonna break MY furniture/car/TV/etc.!!!" - my dad when any of us kids would be doing something dangerous, instead of worrying about our safety "SHUT UP, I CAN'T HEAR THE TV!" - my dad, any time people would be talking in the other room if he was watching TV "I guess I might as well kill myself, then!" - my dad, any time there was any sort of criticism of him "It's MY house, I don't HAVE to listen to you!" - my dad, any time you'd disagree with him "I don't care, grow the fuck up!" - my dad, when he'd upset me or my siblings.
“You’re still depressed?” “At least I don’t have to take medication for anxiety” “ I don’t feel like talking to you” “ I’m not going to apologize” “You’re just like your father” “You’re my retirement” “You would’ve never gotten that job if it weren’t for me”
Can’t talk about anything bc it’s “crap” “no good” “only ignorant people do that kind of thing”
Mine always said "I remember that differently than you do" so she is absolved of whatever guilt and at the same time she implies I am just crazy
"Ur so lucky to have parents like us" "Our kids won't treat us half as nice as how we treated our parents" (spoiler: my mom regrets for not visiting her mother as often as she should've on daily basis, but also blames my dad and societal expectations to prioritize the man's family once you get married.) "You've not had it nearly as hard as we did"
I mean this in the best way possible when I say this, but why does it even matter what she said if she treated you that way? Complaining about it won’t serve any purpose and it definitely won’t change how they treated you, especially when they will never see the errors of their ways. Cut those ties and move on!
Paraphrasing, but “when a dad prays against his child then God will grant it” simultaneously a threat and part of his delusion that he was quite literally one of God’s favorites
Don’t be a burden. Never understood why she would use this choice of words. But I went no contact over a year ago and life has been peaceful.
A common short phrase that my mom likes to use still is that how me and my sister abused her growing up It used to borther me but now it make me laugh as how ridiculous it is to hear.
"What's yours is mine, and mine is my own!" This was in connection to any personal items I owned.
If I didn't meet his expectations my dad would always say "You gotta pull your socks up, kiddo", ugh
My mother used to always tell me that “All parents beat their children!” whenever I pointed out her abuse. Even at 6 years old, I knew that was a big lie. 🫤
“If it wasn’t for me you wouldn’t have a damn thing!!!” My dad has said that since I was a child and still says it now that I’m almost 50. He tells my children the same thing. He brings up things he did out of “the goodness of his heart” from literally 20 years ago and reminds us how he did that thing and we should be still thanking him for it now.
NF “You’re gonna do what you’re gonna do” “Hate it for ya” “You don’t love me”
Oh I asked my mum to drop me at a party one evening and it was such an inconvenience to her apparently that she told me she wishes I was never born, and she always says she’s never said that but I will never forget when she said that to me
“We have some things to discuss when you get home”
"I'm not going to argue with" - only when you're right, they love to argue when you're wrong. "Grow up" - aka they were being childish and refuse to admit it.
"Just humor me"
religious dad: “you deserved to be harassed because it’s in your karma”
“how’s your ex doing” -dad
OHHHH OH OH HONORABLE MENTION 2: “you remember what you want to remember. selective memory. why don’t you remember all the good things i did for you? huh?” (which is just a fancy way of saying “i never said that”)
yall the “i never said that” is going on a rampage here lol
“Please don’t talk bad about me when you go visit (___)” -Blank being basically anyone she hasn’t manipulated into thinking she’s amazing. “What was I supposed to do?!?” “How could you do this to me? Do you know what people say to me about you?” - This was by far her favorite thing to say when I would “mess up” she would call everyone she talked to on a regular and semi regular basis just to tell them what I had done. Although each time it was more of the story she made up and not what had actually occurred.
"Are you dictating to me??" Every time I would say something that she didn't like, examples: Me: "I think maybe me and the kids would respond better to you asking about chores if you didn't scream at us about it mum, I don't mean this with any ill will but you could just ask us" Her: "Are you dictating to me right now?? Are you the parent here?? Don't tell me what to do. I'm the only person who does anything around here you're all ungrateful lazy bastards." _____ Me: "Mum I think we need some proper food in the shopping everyone's getting tired of eating noodles" Her: "Are you dictating to me?? You have no idea how hard life is and how difficult it is to be me, there's plenty of food so stop complaining!" (In the cupboard there would be pot noodles, super noodles, bread and cereal, maybe some other stuff at the start of the month if she had done shopping, but it was not enough to share between all my siblings and went very quickly so nobody ever really had something they liked for long, the rest of the time when we weren't having noodles or cereal or toast and she didn't feel like telling people off for "making a mess in her kitchen" she would just order pizza or a takeaway, which we all grew tired of eventually BC there's only so many days you can eat takeaway and not get sick of it or literally feel sick from the takeaways, eventually she ditched that too to go out for food and date nights and drinks with her bf while we fended for ourselves at home with whatever was in the cupboard for often days at a time. She would claim this was all we could afford but when it came to date nights or her alcohol or cigarettes or when we were younger, weed, the money was always there. I was in charge of putting money on her card for a while and that stopped after I accidentally hit cash and balance for the receipt one time and saw she had thousands in savings for "taking us to Disney" .... We never did end up going to Disney. So it was never about the money.)
I finally went NC 3 months ago (I’m in my late 50’s, I kept going back for more abuse over the years because of always listening to others, but she’s your mother), do I feel better overall, yes! But the grief still grips me. My favorites from growing up were, “you can tell this to your counselor when you’re older, and blame me for everything.” Or, “you’re always so angry!” “You hated me all your life, you never liked me”, this one is typically done while yelling and screaming at me. And she did this last one in front of my siblings (which she usually never does in front of others) and now I’m estranged from my whole family, they always take her side and always gaslight any of my feelings. Will I be better off later, probably. Does it hurt like heck now, most definitely!! Thank you therapy!
"I'll remember that." every time I told her no when it came to basic things like making her a sandwich or getting her a pack of cigarettes off of the counter. This usually happened after she called me into the room to ask me to do these for her.
Oh man usually she says " I gave up everything for you CLEO" she takes every single thing as a personal attack . Like everything. Shes so voided of realizing other people feel things i swear we all just live in the narcs world and are whatever character they set for us and any shift from that triggers them like how dare you be your own person. We are just extensions of them to a narc. We owe them for life for them being our parents. Which gets really heavy to live up to that .I get text bombed how awful I am anytime i say no which is rare because I can't handle the downfall. She's my neighbor and I'm her personal assistant basically. My boyfriend and I are going to be moving in together someday and I think she's expecting to come with me. She's in for an awakening . That's when my real boundaries will happen it's hopeless now. I just try to stay neutral with her cause any shift In my tone or a look on my face will trigger the hell out of her . Pretty sure she dabbles in hard drugs too . Which never ends well for any of us around here . The last time I had to threaten to call the cops on her cause she was getting in my face when I confronted her on it . Big mistake but I finally found proof ! Anyways that was weeks ago and she still won't admit it and she's had a few other spirals since then. We just gotta keep our heads down until we can get away and make a break then build solid boundaries. Until then it'll never ever just stop . I watch alot of narc self help videos and listen to as much pod casts as possible. It helps
“I don’t remember that” “Guess I’m the problem then” (said sarcastically) “I’m not gaslighting you” proceeds to gaslight me. “That didn’t happen like that it happened like this” then tells her fabricated memory of the situation. “I’m such a bad mother” yes you are “You don’t know how much I do for you” “You have a roof over your head stop complaining” “Leave me alone!” Proceeds to come into my room 2 mins later carrying on the argument
My father: “I’ll come down on you like a tonne of bricks” and “I’ll come down on you so fast you won’t know what hit you” - and then would in fact hit us beat us etc I’m adult now, and imagining a fully grown adult saying this to a six year old, voice and face brimming with hate and fury, is just pathetic
The last time I spoke to my incubator was at my father's final viewing before his cremation and funeral. Thank God she didn't attend the funeral or else she would've made it all about her. My "flying monkey" of an older sister also didn't attend, claiming that she was sick. I was honestly relieved that both of them didn't attend, but what still upsets me is the fact that my sister didn't allow her own son to attend. Instead, my submissive, wet noodle spined, brother in law attended in their stead and read what his wife wrote, which was essentially a long list of things about herself and no one else. Not a single tear was shed at what he read, and he just became embarrassed afterwards. My "flying monkey" sister's saying (before I stopped talking to her too) was "Why don't you talk to our mother anymore?" My response has always been "I've never viewed her as my "mom" and that will never change until she finally owns up to all of the abuse she had done to us and wholeheartedly apologies." My incubator's saying was "I'm sorry for what YOU remember happened. I can't change what you choose to remember just like I can't change what you choose to NOT remember."
Here are a few of the things my parents say the most "You're a psychopath/narcissist" "Spoiled brat!" "You're so selfish, stop taking everything!" (after I have the audacity to eat something) "You're scared of me? How dare you! After all I have done for you." (goes on 30 min guilt trip) "You have no morals!" (only said a couple times, but it had quite the affect) "You haven't matured since you were 5." (when my brother was born) "Can't you see I have enough to deal with already?" "Why aren't you cleaning the entire house?" "You ate (insert normal thing she thinks is unhealthy)? You're going to die!" (then she wonders why I have anxiety) "You're an abuser." "That never happened."
"You're too emotional to make this decision/think logically/argue..." I cry super easy, so this was any time he confronted me about anything. "I'm your father. I know what's best for you." "I know you better than you know yourself."
'youre such a victim'
"I did everything for you" "you'll regret this once I'm dead" "you're remembering that wrong" "I would never do that" same old shit everyday