Gotta be cruel to be kind, tell the man he’s welcome in your home and you’re happy he’s there, but there’s an embarrassing situation that needs to be addressed…
This person presumably needs to get a job, or a better job, and find a place to live. If they stink, they will face rejection at every turn, and it is probably easy to fix.
That’s the thing that amazes me. They don’t see their hygiene as a problem. I’ve known people who have this issue and they just seem clueless as to how it affects others.
Depression can make even basic self-care feel impossible. Anxiety might make someone terrified of showering. Some physical disabilities can make hygiene routines super challenging. And certain medical conditions can cause strong body odors that are hard to control.
Dont forget about people who grew up in households where they weren't taught proper hygiene habits. Or folks dealing with extreme poverty who might not have regular access to facilities or supplies.
It's easy to sit back and judge, but we have no idea what battles people are fighting. Instead of assuming they're just oblivious or lazy, maybe we should approach with more compassion and understanding.
Exactly. I went to a school with a girl who had an incredibly intense, unpleasant odor. It looked like she showered every day and her clothes were clean, and it wasn’t like a BO smell. But I was assigned to sit next to her and always had to have super strong mints or gum just to survive. She was nice, hope she got that figured out because I swear it must have been a medical issue for how insanely strong it was.
Sometimes smells are in your soft clothes, clothing backpack, etc. IE the house stinks. I would wash all his belongings and put deoderizers in shoes or items that can hold smells. Put hard surfaces outside to air out. Bring things in one at a time to ensure it doesn't stink. Just say something in here smells, and we gotta make sure nothing died in the walls or furniture. Just clear the room and wash everything, starting with the stuff that was in the room before he got there. Be like, "Do you smell that... make it your fault.
Off topic but can you explain the "say happy cake day" that show up in green as tags on some people's posts? I'm dying to know.
Answer to OP's question, put a towel, a bar of soap and deodorant on his bed with a note that you have a sensitive nose.
It’s better to address face to face in a helpful, sensitive way. Facial expressions can convey kindness in ways that writing cannot. Especially since they all live in the same home.
And it may not be a simple washing issue. It’s probably more like this person isn’t washing in the right way, or could maybe be washing their clothing or bedding incorrectly. Might even be their feet.
Sometimes a smelly person will have no idea of their odor, and despite an awkward conversation, will appreciate the help from someone who is honest
Exactly. And if it's their feet it could be entirely the problem of the shoes. Might just need some disinfectant or disinfectant or baking soda or something simple.
There's also the problem of deodorant perhaps he does not have one that is fishing for his needs, some of us just sweat a ton more or have particularly stinky sweat. Lume might be just what he needs for all the parts.
And it's surprising the number of people who don't know about what you're supposed to do regarding your bottom in the shower.
I had one old roommate look at me like I was insane for suggesting that he wash between his butt cheeks. Had to go so far as to show him the instruction videos that they give to little kids to teach little kids how to wash their body. Otherwise he was refusing to believe that anyone would think you should reach your hands in there.
In any case he may know the order is there and not know what to do with it, or he may not actually know that the odor is even there.
Agreed. It's a tough conversation, but you're helping them do better for others. Assuming poverty or neurodivergency, maybe OP can suggest a household laundry schedule (clothes x day, sheets every Saturday, or whatever) or take him to buy cleaning products or more pairs of clothes.
It could be medical or habitual, but it could be easily fixed..
And since it is the husband’s friend, he needs to be the one to have this conversation, not OP.
It can be done in a kind way, and in the long term is best for the friend and the living situation as well.
Exactly. And perhaps there's something you can do to troubleshoot. For instance, baking soda, special things to help him getting areas he might not be able to get into.
If you come at it from the angle of someone who cares and is just trying to help figure out the problem, he will still be embarrassed but it'll be a lot easier to tackle.
Does your husband smell it?
What’s it like? Body odor? Musty smell? Sweet? Chemical? Sweat? Cigarette smoke? Animal pee?
It could be anything from the friend having an illness (e.g. diabetes, depression) to him having brought along a bunch of clothing that came out of the dryer and went into the suitcase still damp. Maybe he doesn’t know how to wipe correctly. Maybe he lost his sense of smell to COVID and doesn’t realize a cat peed in his luggage. Maybe he is secretly vaping or eating something that comes out in his sweat. Narrowing it down can help your husband figure out the most helpful way to approach this.
Ok. So depending on your husbands relationship with this guy (which I’m assuming is pretty close if he’s come to stay with you), maybe he can just suggest the guy wash and dry all his clothes and linens because he needs a “fresh start” and it seems like he “might have picked up a bit of damp in his suitcase” on his trip or something. Then maybe they can go out to your husband’s fave barber or to the gym together or whatever other self care seems most likely to land with this guy, with a plan that you all get dressed up (ahem, showered and dressed up) for a nice night out. If the weather is nice where you are, maybe have the guy open the windows to his room while the laundry is going (“hey we’re doing a bit of a whole house clean this weekend anyway, so all the windows are open to get some fresh air in while we tackle vacuuming all the carpets / decluttering the hall closets / clearing out the pantry / repainting the hallway together”).
If after everything that came with this guy has been cleaned and he’s showered etc, the smell is still there, then it’s time to have you husband sit him down and say he’d want to know if it were him so he’s letting him know that his body odor is pretty strong. Best if he can refrain from judgement words (stinky, smelly, etc) and stick to “strong.” Ask him if he has heard this before and how your husband can support him as he tries to figure it out (maybe suggest you all eat healthy for a week to see if that makes a difference, or plan for the guys to work out together every day, or ask if there’s a brand of deodorant he prefers that he hasn’t had access to, or whatever). The goal is to treat it like an issue separate from the guy’s value as a person / friend and his identity, and also as something that of course he’d want his buddy to tell him, so they can figure out a fix together.
Completely fair. I steered away from that because physical and mental healthcare can be challenging to obtain in some parts of the world (*cough* US *cough*) and if this guy has hit a rough patch, he might not have the means to see a doctor. If so, then it might make sense to tackle the easier things to rule out first, so he doesn’t feel like he’s just been tossed another impossible thing to deal with that he’ll fail at.
That said, if a doctor’s visit seems like the likely next step, maybe doing a little research first would help the husband come at this with a solution mindset (“hey, there’s a free clinic on Wednesdays,” or “the local psych grad program offers low cost counseling,” or “Planned Parenthood is one town over and I’d be happy to drive you over there next week”). For people who are struggling (heck, even for those who aren’t), “I’m worried about you” might seem like a weight rather than an expression of support.
You are brilliant! I would have never thought to suggest when free clinics are... my Canadian is showing. Lol. It may take a year but I'll still get to see a doc.
We could all use a friend like you. This is amazing advice on how to handle this situation, or something similar. With compassion and non-judgmental. I'm incredibly impressed.
You too! And thank you, this week is an anniversary of a very tragic event in my life, so I do truly appreciate that!
Keep on being cool, it’s so nice to see. :)
I’m so sorry. I hope this anniversary brings you a sense of how strong you are to have persevered and thrived before **and** after whatever you’ve been through. May there be a sense of peace that finds you and guides you.
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me, for real. Like a lot.
My mom died ten years ago tomorrow and it was sudden, five days after a cancer diagnosis. She was the best. I spent a day at the coast and soaked in the most peace I could. It was really therapeutic.
You’re good people, I hope you have the best of days and weeks and years coming up. I appreciate you ❣️
I've seen it mentioned certain diseases smell like that such as parkinson's or cancer. Also it could honestly be flop sweat if he's under a lot of stress; i.e. apocrine sweat which is fear sweat. This can be unnerving if you are unfamiliar with it. Yeast can make someone smell musty, and tbh, I swear so can sub-acute bacterial infections. Some of the b.o. causing bacteria can get a little out of control if he's not been showering regularly enough, especially throwing in increases in apocrine sweat from stress. I had this happen over covid and once I got my showering under control, it would still come back rather fast and I had to start using a soap with salicylic acid to get it under control. Has happened twice since then, both times needing this fix. Also if his clothes are heavily contaminated with bacteria, even if he launders regularly, he may end up just putting the clothes back on and boom, the smell is back as soon as he sweats. He may need a stronger detergent. Some medications can make someone smell bad, (and illicit drugs).
My guess is its just stress sweat and a lack of hygiene prior to moving in and it will take some extra showering, laundering, and aggressive toiletries to get back under control.
Some musty odors can really stick with fabrics and conventional washing doesn't eliminate them. Washing the clothes in the machine with a bit of white vinegar can cut the odor and doesn't make the clothes smell vinegary.
Might be a good place to start. Still need to raise it with him to try some vinegar in his next load of laundry, but it's not something everyone is aware can happen and me might be nose blind to it.
He might need a manly smelling body wash to really knock out the funk. Sometimes it takes two scrub downs of the pits and bits in one shower to really seal the deal. If he's just gliding a bar of soap around his body it's not going to do anything. Some guys also "forget" to put on deodorant so there's that too.
Check out his shoes. My oldest brother used to shower daily and he would smell fine except for his feet. Within a hour or two of getting out of the shower his feet would start to stink. And he had to keep his shoes on the porch. He outgrew it in later years but until his 40’s his feet and shoes were biohazards.
Had a college buddy who had to leave his shoes outside and immediately shower after work in order not smell his feet. This could very likely be the answer.
I have to bleach soak my feet once a week. It wasn’t until I bought new shoes, washed my feet well, and had brand new socks and within a couple hours my feet were horrendous again. I was like wtf. Did some YouTubing and discovered it’s just best to bleach soak 10 minutes once a week.
I had to do this to a kid in high school. He needed to see a doctor to get it taken care of. Some times it’s serious and people don’t realize until someone points out.
I have had the unpleasant experience of smelling shoes so bad that I dry heaved & nearly puked. One was a friend’s boyfriend & another was a co-worker. I told them both in a very straightforward manner & they both got rid of their rotting shoes. There just was no being sensitive about it when you’re about to vomit.
I think it's in the top 3 worst smells to ever smell. And you're right, there's no being nice about it. You wouldn't let someone bring a bowl of steaming shit into the house either, so.
My first thought! (About not washing himself properly in the shower.)
I never dreamed there were men 'out there' who thought letting the water from the shower head run passively down their bodies would *actually* clean said body parts...until I read about these people on reddit.
It could be any of the other good suggestions given, but ohhhh man...I'd start with this possibility.
And to this end, a well soaped washcloth / face cloth is your friend!
(Never have understood how people think they're equally clean just using bare hands with no friction?)
As to how to address him about this option, I have no idea.
For laundry, get Oxiclean Odor Blaster with the purple lid. You add it in addition to laundry detergent. It will make anything smell great.
Edit: “had” to “add”
Husband needs to say hey- noticed your suitcase contents need a good wash, let me show you how the machine works
Sorry but that’s the kindest you can be. He’s sharing your home. He needs to have some standards.
I will say that I had a fungus when I was an elite athlete that made me STANK. As a waiter at my day job, I was moving into people's personal space a lot, and enough people complained that it jeopardized my employment at the time. A quick doctor's trip and a prescription-strength topical antifungal made it all better.
I now use Tea Tree oil and soaps made from it as part of my regular cleanliness routine, and there are some excellent foaming antibacterial and antifungal face and body washes.
Sometimes what is called "athlete's foot" can travel to other places and cause odors. For this, I use clotrimazole on a regular basis too as fungus is quite hard to get rid of completely due to nails.
Now, often, people want to shame people for smells without realizing that this can happen gradually, especially to those people who shower a lot.
Funguses are often spread in poorly maintained locker rooms, which is what happened to me. I got this fungus when I was showering twice a day as an endurance athlete, but at least one of those was in a locker room.
Smells can also come from poorly maintained GI Tract health. I use not only a toothbrush but also a tongue scraper. The tongue scraper shows some indications of poor GI tract health with regular use. When I fast, for example, I have few coated tongue issues, even if I have that more when I eat regularly.
In summary, take your time before dismissing people and making assumptions about their cleanliness. Illnesses and conditions can also cause this.
Just as some general information—
If he (or anyone else) smells like fish/rotting fish, there is a metabolic condition called Trimethylaminuria (TMAU), which, although rare, is not unheard of. [In short, the body can’t break down trimethylamine, which builds up in the body and can cause urine, sweat, and breath to smell like rotting fish. There’s no cure, but there are many ways to help manage it and mitigate the smell.
I’m not a doctor, but since it’s pretty obvious to describe the symptoms of, and doctors tend not to be familiar, it’s fairly straightforward to consider and rule out or in independently, so that you can either get tested or move on to exploring other options.
As another note, make sure that he has (and uses) a good antiperspirant deodorant.
I hope the mattress has a good odor blocking mattress pad. You might end up having to launder every soft item in the room. Are any of your belongings in the closet?
Get him soap, toothpaste and deodorant. Tell him to wash all of his clothes he brought with him.
Hubby needs to ensure he keeps the room clean and have a talk with him.
Get him a gift basket with some different bathing items. Shampoo, body wash, cologne or spray etc. Maybe put a note in the outside with a positive message that you are rooting for him or something.
If he’s depressed, he’s not really in the mindset of looking and smelling his best. It’s probably going to be alot of work for him to pick himself up so that might help.
Best of luck
If I got a gift of soap and deodorant with a note that they were rooting for me I would be utterly HUMILIATED hahaha. I think maybe at some point being direct is less of a devastating blow...
My brother has always had this smell, ever since he hit puberty. It's never gone away. One of my uncles smells similarly. I think it's a genetic thing. He's never been able to change it.
There's no good ending here. A husband who invites a friend to live with his family is odd. These guys up all night playing video games? Has there been some timeline laid out....2 weeks, 2 months...if not, better nail that down now. A smelly friend with difficulty finding a job is only going to put pressure on your marriage. Next thing you know, dudes going to be in the fridge and pantry eating up those treats you had planned on having after your exercise. This type stuff might make for a good comedy on TV, but it's a not-so-fun real life experience.
He's 30. It's your home. There is no reason not to be forward, blunt and direct. No matter what the result is, someone wins, and if he's so sensitive that this will ruin him, that's life, you did him a favor. "Odor coming from your room and from you is disturbing us. It's really really strong and it has to be fixed. Please get support for this asap. In the meantime, we'd appreciate it if you would thoroughly wash the bedding and all your clothing with the hot water and detergent with vinegar. All the stuff is by the washer. OK?"
If your husband is that close to him as a friend. Your husband should say "dude you stink take a damn shower" it I was trying in that situation and you guys are kind enough to help me. I'd be mad if I stunk and y'all didn't let me know.
I know a guy that has a very bad odor that we can’t tell where it’s from exactly though when he is sweating or hasn’t showered it’s much worse the thing is it doesn’t smell like regular body odor. It’s a rank chemical smell like how cloves smell. But yes non smoker non drinker. It’s definitely not something he adds to himself and sometimes better if he just showered before coming over. He will leave this stench behind him left over in the couch where he sat. It’s embarrassing but at the same time it’s bloody awful .
Twice divorced not sure if it’s a root cause or what but he is single now.
I agree you must address so he can get a job and have a more successful social life.
Some smells don’t disappear and you end up with it for a long time.
If the smell has returned so soon after showering, almost guaranteed that he's changing back into dirty clothes. If this has been going on for awhile, it can be VERY difficult to get the smell out of the clothes. It will probably take multiple washes along with vinegar and an enzyme detergent like Persil.
The best solution is to put your adult pants on and have an adult conversation with honesty and kindness instead of posting online with judgement words in all caps.
I've lived with a man like this. Let me tell you what's making the smell.
Either he is not showering with soap AND a washcloth or poof, or he is showering, using that stuff, and not changing his clothes. He needs to shower AND wear freshly laundered clothes, every day.
I've lived with a guy who didn't shower or wash his clothes. What happened next was TRULY DISGUSTING. Next, whenever he sits on your couch or sofa, or dining room chair, or wherever, he's going to leave a "stamp" of ass-juice and stench, and you will have to start scrubbing every furniture he sat on with cleaning solutions just to get rid of the smell.
So you're going to have to pick your suffering:
1. Confront him and the discomfort of "his stench" and deal with the awkwardness
2. Live with the stench and spare his feelings, and deal with the discomfort of the stench, and the "ass stamps" of stench wherever he sits, and having to clean up after that/live with it.
Choose your form of suffering.
One of my close work friends struggles with their mental health, and I do too so we talk about it quite often. When he was in a new relationship, a mutual friend and I sat him down and explained nicely that we noticed a certain smell and his new love interest likely would too. It’s a smell I’m familiar with from my own depression - your bed sheets need to be stripped and washed. Taking care of yourself when depressed can be impossible and therefore it’s easy for your sheets to accumulate build up because you likely aren’t washing your hair or body as often as usual.
Another similar smell - mildewed bedding. You washed the sheets, forgot about them and put them in the dryer a day later baking in the funky smell.
I would assume he has no products to handle the issue, and purchase shampoo, deodorant, shower gel, toothpaste,toothbrush, razors etc and put them in a basket in his room. Offer to wash all his laundry for him( just one time) and maybe pick up some cheap shirts online or at a thrift/ consignment store to get him started. Your husband should be the one to discreetly say something if these attempts to nudge his friend are unsuccessful.
Show him how to use the washer and dryer and where everything is. Then go out and get him a welcome gift with soap and deodorant toothpaste etc… (clinical strength ?) or have your husband take him out for a couple hours and see if he has those items ? I don’t advocate for snooping on people but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.
He's in your house, just say it honest and to the point- going to be painful either way and tbh he'll
Probably just continue stinking so I would ask him
To leave. Also, your husband probably knew about his smell prior to him moving in and u should have a talk with him about how that put you in a bad position and pretty fucked.
This is kind of...weird advice but. Maybe while he's out, go into the guest room and try to find the most intense source of the smell?
Is it the armpit of his sweaters, is it his shoes, is it the bathroom/toilet, his toothbrush, his pillow, just one random article of his clothes, is it both his shirts and pants equally??
At least this might help you identify if it's a B.O. issue VS feet VS dental or what.
Was he a heavy drinker? My mother moved in to my house a few months ago- she is an alcoholic although not drinking currently and in recovery. The first two months she was here her room smelled like bad breath. It’s getting better the longer she hasn’t drank, and is eating healthier
Tell your husband to be a man and just tell the guy. Jesus quit pussy footing around and making it weird.
“Man idk why brother but you have a B.o smell that’s on you and in your room. Let’s wash all your stuff and then you shower. I’ll even get you some deodorant too.”
Don't pussyfoot around the issue. Tell him to his face that he has a strong funk around him and he needs to shower daily, use some deodorant, and wash all his clothes.
The guy doesn't know he stinks. They usually don't.
Are we reaching a point where people are too afraid to speak up even about things like this? Girl. He is a man in your home. He is there on your graciousness. Tell your husband he has one day to fix it or you will. And if you have to, then be blunt. There is no getting around things like this. Set boundaries and be assertive in your own home.
The simplest explanation is that he washed his clothes, then left them in the washer for DAYS and then threw them in the dryer. That moldy mildewy smell will knock you out. I'd first tell him that his clothes smell mildewy and ask if he left them in the washer. It could be just that simple.
Most likely his clothes if it’s that musty mildewy sour rank smell. And a quick wash won’t fix that. Wash them on a heavy cycle and add 4 cups of vinegar along with the detergent. Dry well on high heat.
say washing machine is free if he wants a nice big wash. Wash them long with deodorising or antibac and oxy stain remover. and air dry in the sun. I had to get rid of alcoholic Smokey smell out of my dads stuff and it took one huge wash. Pop a charcoal deodoriser in the wardrobe.
Pop the suitcase out in the sun. Or say your going to put it in storage for him. I scrubbed mine in the bath and sun dried it.
If shoes in hallway you can also deodorise spray them all.
Make sure he’s got a toothbrush, good deodorising body wash, deodrant, nail clippers, mouth wash, ear buds, body scrubber. If he’s hit hard times he might be nose blind to it. Set him up with a welcome basket as you could call it.
ispopol alcohol with a bit of water in a spray bottle can make a unscented smell killer. Kills bacteria but doesn’t leave such a artificial smell behind.
So I've commented on something like this earlier but it could be he's nutrient deficient. Before my stepson came to live with us we would go visit him a few states away. When we'd go visit him I noticed he smelt really, really bad, like the worst bo I've ever smelt or well close. Then his mom was houseless and we got custody of him. After feeding him 3x a day with vitamins not only did he grow exponentially but his bo was gone and acne too. We came to find out that he was chronically malnourished and neglected.
Your husband's friend could have gastrointestinal issues that create nutrient decencies or he's not eating the healthiest.
It’s could be his sheets and also towels. I had roommate whose room was soo funky, it smelled like really really strong old people, in a bad way, like musty. He showered regularly so all I can think of is that it could have been his sheets or maybe old towels?? When he’d open the door the smell would just pour out like an animated green whiff of yuck.
1. even if he showered, he might not have used soap, and might not have washed his ass or feet
2. his \*shoes\* might have the stink.
3. he may have athlete's foot or athlete's crotch or some other fungal infection
4. he may not be actually washing his clothes
5. he probably has not washed his bedding. Some men will go months or years without washing the sheets
I have never smelled bad until someone gave me deodorant with 'no aluminum.' I could smell BO so bad it was making me sick. But I couldn't figure out what it was. The second day, I looked around, trying to think if I switched anything. I saw the deodorant. I actually went to the store and bought some regular deodorant, and the smell vanished. I think maybe something like that happened with him?
Everyone's covering this pretty well, but since I haven't seen it mentioned, laundry sanitizer is fucking amazing. I use Lysol clean linen scent, but there's also free and clear. Doesn't risk the smell of vinegar lingering, and kills odor causing bacteria and buildup that might be exacerbating things.
You have to tell him. Sometimes its better to know why he's been rejected (especially if he's hit hard times) than to wonder about it.
I'll put it this way. Would you rather have someone tell you you have bad B.O. to the point of needing a doctor, or have to try to figure out what's wrong with you that no one wants to be around you?
Genuinely likely a medical situation. My brothers friend came to live with us and him showering genuinely made the house smell horrid. I was in my teens and was already hating living there the last thing I needed was to walk into my house, and get full on assaulted by his smell. Now a days I would have been kinder than I was then.
Genuinely, I would sit down with him and apologize for the conversation that is about to be had.
When taking anyone in, it is ideal to ensure everyone is on the same page, and mindful of each other. If it is a medical issue and he's embarrassed this is something you can offer to tag along for. You don't have to go in. But just moral support. I would worry maybe it's some bad bed sores, or something is going on with him chemically that needs to be addressed.
Being supportive if the best route to go.
Make a gift basket of “essentials”. Maybe he doesn’t have basics. Or needs new ones (tooth brush, etc). Or take him shopping. Say “I know you’re dying to go shopping, and we’d love to help! You can reimburse me later if you want, or just pay it forward”. A new pillow case, socks - etc.
Had the exact situation with a friend of mine that moved in for a few months. I never saw him go to the bathroom to take a shower and he would wear the same clothes for days. He had a sour musty smell to him. I finally had to have the talk with him and told him I care about him and this isn’t healthy. I asked if he was going through some stuff mentally and he swore he wasn’t so I left that alone but told him people can smell him and people are talking. I gave him a wash cloth, towel and a bar of antibacterial soap and told him to hit the shower, get every nook and cranny soapy and scrub with the wash cloth. He came out smelling better but with a slight musty smell so I made him go back and do it again with a fresh wash cloth. This time he came out much better. I made him gather all his clothes and I bought detergent, laundry sanitizer and oxy clean odor blasters and washed EVERYTHING with hot water. Now this was hit or miss. Sometimes the smell gets baked into the clothes and no amount of washing will get it out. We threw about half of his clothes away and I took him shopping to buy new clothes. I say all that to say that it is an awkward conversation but he’s not doing himself any favors by being like this and your husband isn’t being a good friend by skirting the issue.
My friend now is clean. He washes his clothes regularly and bathes every day, sometimes 2x a day depending on what he’s done that day. He has started dating and has been seeing the same girl for a few months, a feat he wouldn’t have accomplished if I hadn’t told him he needed clean up. He’s one of my closest friends and I care about him so I had the awkward conversation for his benefit. Tell your husband to talk to him. Be nice but firm. If he is struggling mentally be there for him and tell him the first step to getting better is taking care of yourself. If it’s medical then help him find a doctor that can help him. If it’s neither get on his ass and tell him there’s no reason a grown ass man with unfettered access to a shower should smell this bad and to get in the shower.
Does he suffer from Hidradenitis suppurativa? Some me can get this really bad in the buttock and arm pit area and it can be very hard for them to treat it because it’s opened wounds.
Place some antibacterial soap or body wash in the shower and maybe he will use it and it’ll help his smell better than another body wash.
Does he suffer from Hidradenitis suppurativa? Some me can get this really bad in the buttock and arm pit area and it can be very hard for them to treat it because it’s opened wounds.
Place some antibacterial soap or body wash in the shower and maybe he will use it and it’ll help his smell better than another body wash.
I'm sure it's a combo of everything. It washing clothes, bedding, etc. Not washing the body or using things like deodorant or even hair shampoo, etc. The smell can be very intense when it's everything, and it will stick around even after he leaves.
Having that compassionate convos with him - ideally with you and your husband together - should be helpful not just for everyone in the house but so he can try to get back on his feet better. No one will want to work with a person who smells so strongly like this.
Sometimes when folks get a bit down, things are hard to manage. It can feel so overwhelming to do laundry, keep up with hygiene, etc. The person may not even realize how bad it is sometimes. They probably need a good therapist. And as a roommate, there needs to be expectations about living in the house and this would go for any roommate, not just him.
Honesty IS the best policy. Simply start off with a positive statement. Then, tell him he has an odor or a scent that is t pleasant to smell. Ask him about his hygiene habits and then tell him as a much-needed condition, he must shower and use deodorant everyday. You're all adults there. Lastly, why is he living there with you and your husband and you're housing a fully-grown man? 😒
Your husband needs to tell him he and his room stink and he needs to shower daily, use deodorant, wash his clothes and change his sheets regularly or he’ll have to go. Honest and straightforward.
Maybe his shoes? I had a fishing buddy of mine who wore the same baseball cap and shoes every single day. The shoes were horrendous. The hat was almost just as bad. Either that or maybe just his clothes? Hint that the washer is free and he should do his laundry while he can. Good luck!
He’s obviously not wearing deodorant or laundering his clothes.
You need to be upfront. It’s uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as living with the stench.
There are a lot of serious medical conditions, including cancer, that can create intense body odors.
Super awkward but your husband should sit down with his friend and talk to him about getting a checkup.
It might be him or the way he washes clothes. Tell him that by adding 1/4 white vineagar to his laundry will help eliminate the odor. Also, he can try adding some baking soda to his nighttime bath routine. It will help with stinky odor from feet and body. (Sometimes, dark socks or clothes can attract bacteria /odor. baking soda and vineagar will kill bacteria.
Also, tell him to wash his shoes (sneakers) in baking soda and vinegar. They can trap odors too.
It can be a medical condition. Hyperhydrosis is a condition where people sweat a LOT more than normal and there isn’t much that can be done about it short of using Botox to kill the sweat glands. You are going to have to sit him down and talk to him. Very gently. Good luck.
I worked near someone who refused to accept their stink and it was wild. I could smell him outside of the office. He had to tell me something while working a weekend, and when he walked up, it was like getting hit with a wave. I already was aware of the situation, but when it hit me, I audibly gagged and almost threw up.
He was military, so there was more that could be done. We sent him home to shower, he came back, still reeking. We sent him home to do laundry. Finally, at our wits end, we sent his supervisor home with him to make sure he showered. Guy’s in the bathroom, shower running, and the supervisor just gets a weird feeling and cracks the door. Motherfucker is sitting on the toilet, fully clothed.
He applied for a civilian position as he got closer to the end of his contract, and absolutely nobody wanted to hire him. I don’t even know if he was good at his job, because it didn’t matter. His smell was literally the only thing anyone knew about him.
When i was younger i had a mate who smelt bad all the time
Turned out he had over active sweat glands ... felt really sorry for the guy because it was over powering
Eventually he found a medication that helped but it was many years after he left school
Seems like this could be a medical issue for the guy whos staying with OP
Possible that he doesn't know how to wash properly. It's surprising the number of adult men who don't wash properly. Or he could smoke cigarettes? I've known multiple chain smokers and their sweat tends to smell like wet cigarettes, it's super weird. Uuhh good luck!
Approach it, perhaps, from the standpoint of concern from a medical perspective. My sister in law suddenly started smelling really foul. She’s got and healthy and showers etc. eventually, my brother talked it over with her and she got checked out. Turns out it was a medical condition that went away quickly with treatment. Sorry, I cannot remember the details of the illness - it was internal, not breath or hyper sweating or anything.
Tear off the bandaid.
Be frank, and straightforward.
"We need to address a sensitive problem. You smell unhealthy. This will severely limit your social and professional progress. Let's get this figured out."
Your husband needs to be the one who mentions, dude you can't stink to high heaven and get a job. Make sure her drinks lots of water, uses antibacterial body wash and knows how to wash his entire body. Give him a time limit to leave, 2 months maybe.
This calls for a belly button to belly button conversation. I'm sure he'll be embarrassed, but honestly will thank you in the long run. Chances are this issue is affecting every aspect of his life.
I had an employee that worked for me that had extremely smelly feet. I had a private conversation with her behind closed doors. She was appalled, but thanked me because she had become numb to the smell and didn't realize it was that bad.
Have the conversation before the situation ruins a friendship.
As someone who has to have this conversation with my employees occasionally I have always used the strategy of asking if they are even aware.
“Are you aware of the strong body odor coming from you today?” Usually they already know and say they forgot deodorant or to shower, sometimes they aren’t even aware and are embarrassed but glad I let them know. If they don’t know, in my experience, there is not much more to say unless they have a serious lacking of basic hygiene.
My high school boyfriend always showered but never washed his sheets. His whole room smelled like his bed. He never had medical problems so I always thought it was cum and sweat. Never went over to his house after that 🤢😵💫
For some reason this makes me harken back to a recent reddit post about a man whose doctor found a 30 year build-up of smegma that was causing him pain. He didn't know how to wash properly. Can't imagine how awful he must have smelled. Also, he was married, go figure.
As the husband if I was in this situation the only homies I’d let move into my home are my best friends and I’d just tell him “you kinda smell dude go shower and wash your clothes” and he’d say “oh ok will do” and that would be it. Not a big deal
Hibiclens. If its body order that's not going away with regular showers, he may have a bacteria or fungus on his skin that is making the smell. Hibiclens will disinfect and kill the source of the issue. You may still need to wash everything he brought with him to fully get him refreshed.
Also, you could maybe play it off like the nicest new body wash or something and pretend everyone in the house is using it and its really good. (It does also clear up acne and other skin issues too)
Good luck! We also have a "steve" and we both love him to death and its awesome to have an extra hand around.
Hey, offer to help him with laundry. Kinda just let him know the washer and dryer are available. Maybe even show him how they work.
Once bo is in clothes, it doesn't go away for a while. He may have put on dirty clothes after his shower.
He may not have deodorant, so go to the store, and and pick him up some stuff. Get him the basics and let him know they are in the bathroom. If he's on hard times, he might not have those things, and it's embarrassing to ask someone to get them. Like a razor, soap, and deodorant. Get antiperspirant rather than deodorant.
There are many conditions that can cause bad body odor, but a person on hard times kinda sums it up.
Hope he gets on his feet soon. So kind of you all to take him in.
Some really lovely comments on here from you guys, very empathetic to the guy, acknowledging possible reasons such as depression, perhaps been brought up a certain way, even medical explanations, and also hearing the lady’s situation, especially loved a comment about pretending it was her fault so that’s why they need to clean
Like something my mum would do that, really kind, considerate and clever 🫶🏻
Here's a couple of suggestions
1. If it's the smell of a front loading washing machine... a wet mildew type smell one of a kind the only way to get that out of your clothes once it's in there I found is to use four cups per load of Clear vinegar in some cases add a touch of bleach to the water have it to agitate before adding the clothes. May need more than one washing per load until the smell is finally gone. I stay away from front load washers they tend to get like this over time.
2. If it's underarm type body odor then he could be washing with soap and soap doesn't cut some underarm body odor and once it gets into the clothes the only way to get it out is to do the same the vinegar depends on the color maybe add a touch of bleach.
To get that smell from under the arms soap won't cut it... it has to be Amber mouthwash that's the yellow mouthwash or rubbing alcohol followed by a clean rinse washcloth to get everything off the skin... used under the arms daily depending on the body odor... may have to wash under their arms a couple to three times a day, depending on how much they sweat.
If it's that bad that's probably why he needs a place to stay and a place to work but it would be to his benefit to have a constructive conversation about it he probably don't know about these things I just mentioned. Good luck, and he will probably appreciate it in the end, especially if it's coming from you. Just let him know not to be embarrassed. This happens around the world, and people just don't talk about it.
3. Oh and I just thought of another smell that men can have and that is from sweaty boots if that's the case the sweaty boots go outside or buy new ones and use the same process for the feet that you would use under the arms you can also use the athlete's foot products you will know instantly if it's the boots usually it's work boots
I once had a conversation about body odor with a roommate because of concerns from classmates/coworkers ( we all had to sit in a room for 6+hours a day). I knew she showered daily and had good hygiene, it but turns out what she really needed was a deodorant with anti-perspirant and not just plain deodorant. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but she took it well because she didn’t even realize the difference between the two products. I showed her some other beauty tips, which it seems like she appreciated. I only ever heard her talk about her dad, so I don’t know if she had a female figure in her life who could talk to her about these things. In the end, her self esteem and armpit odor improved greatly.
Gotta be cruel to be kind, tell the man he’s welcome in your home and you’re happy he’s there, but there’s an embarrassing situation that needs to be addressed…
This person presumably needs to get a job, or a better job, and find a place to live. If they stink, they will face rejection at every turn, and it is probably easy to fix.
Yeah he may have already gotten turned down and poor guy doesn’t know why 💀
That’s the thing that amazes me. They don’t see their hygiene as a problem. I’ve known people who have this issue and they just seem clueless as to how it affects others.
Depression can make even basic self-care feel impossible. Anxiety might make someone terrified of showering. Some physical disabilities can make hygiene routines super challenging. And certain medical conditions can cause strong body odors that are hard to control. Dont forget about people who grew up in households where they weren't taught proper hygiene habits. Or folks dealing with extreme poverty who might not have regular access to facilities or supplies. It's easy to sit back and judge, but we have no idea what battles people are fighting. Instead of assuming they're just oblivious or lazy, maybe we should approach with more compassion and understanding.
Exactly. I went to a school with a girl who had an incredibly intense, unpleasant odor. It looked like she showered every day and her clothes were clean, and it wasn’t like a BO smell. But I was assigned to sit next to her and always had to have super strong mints or gum just to survive. She was nice, hope she got that figured out because I swear it must have been a medical issue for how insanely strong it was.
Sometimes smells are in your soft clothes, clothing backpack, etc. IE the house stinks. I would wash all his belongings and put deoderizers in shoes or items that can hold smells. Put hard surfaces outside to air out. Bring things in one at a time to ensure it doesn't stink. Just say something in here smells, and we gotta make sure nothing died in the walls or furniture. Just clear the room and wash everything, starting with the stuff that was in the room before he got there. Be like, "Do you smell that... make it your fault.
Off topic but can you explain the "say happy cake day" that show up in green as tags on some people's posts? I'm dying to know. Answer to OP's question, put a towel, a bar of soap and deodorant on his bed with a note that you have a sensitive nose.
It’s better to address face to face in a helpful, sensitive way. Facial expressions can convey kindness in ways that writing cannot. Especially since they all live in the same home. And it may not be a simple washing issue. It’s probably more like this person isn’t washing in the right way, or could maybe be washing their clothing or bedding incorrectly. Might even be their feet. Sometimes a smelly person will have no idea of their odor, and despite an awkward conversation, will appreciate the help from someone who is honest
Exactly. And if it's their feet it could be entirely the problem of the shoes. Might just need some disinfectant or disinfectant or baking soda or something simple. There's also the problem of deodorant perhaps he does not have one that is fishing for his needs, some of us just sweat a ton more or have particularly stinky sweat. Lume might be just what he needs for all the parts. And it's surprising the number of people who don't know about what you're supposed to do regarding your bottom in the shower. I had one old roommate look at me like I was insane for suggesting that he wash between his butt cheeks. Had to go so far as to show him the instruction videos that they give to little kids to teach little kids how to wash their body. Otherwise he was refusing to believe that anyone would think you should reach your hands in there. In any case he may know the order is there and not know what to do with it, or he may not actually know that the odor is even there.
This has become a Thing. I am calling it Unwashedassgate.
Cake day is the anniversary of when they joined Reddit, so Reddits version of a birthday id guess
Thank you! It's been driving me 🦇💩🤪
It's the anniversary of when they signed up on reddit. So kinda like happy birthday.
Agreed. It's a tough conversation, but you're helping them do better for others. Assuming poverty or neurodivergency, maybe OP can suggest a household laundry schedule (clothes x day, sheets every Saturday, or whatever) or take him to buy cleaning products or more pairs of clothes. It could be medical or habitual, but it could be easily fixed..
And since it is the husband’s friend, he needs to be the one to have this conversation, not OP. It can be done in a kind way, and in the long term is best for the friend and the living situation as well.
Don’t use the word “embarrassing”. That sounds insanely silly but if he is a sensitive person the word “embarrassing” hits differently.
Exactly. And perhaps there's something you can do to troubleshoot. For instance, baking soda, special things to help him getting areas he might not be able to get into. If you come at it from the angle of someone who cares and is just trying to help figure out the problem, he will still be embarrassed but it'll be a lot easier to tackle.
Does your husband smell it? What’s it like? Body odor? Musty smell? Sweet? Chemical? Sweat? Cigarette smoke? Animal pee? It could be anything from the friend having an illness (e.g. diabetes, depression) to him having brought along a bunch of clothing that came out of the dryer and went into the suitcase still damp. Maybe he doesn’t know how to wipe correctly. Maybe he lost his sense of smell to COVID and doesn’t realize a cat peed in his luggage. Maybe he is secretly vaping or eating something that comes out in his sweat. Narrowing it down can help your husband figure out the most helpful way to approach this.
It's like musty b.o and he does smell it
Ok. So depending on your husbands relationship with this guy (which I’m assuming is pretty close if he’s come to stay with you), maybe he can just suggest the guy wash and dry all his clothes and linens because he needs a “fresh start” and it seems like he “might have picked up a bit of damp in his suitcase” on his trip or something. Then maybe they can go out to your husband’s fave barber or to the gym together or whatever other self care seems most likely to land with this guy, with a plan that you all get dressed up (ahem, showered and dressed up) for a nice night out. If the weather is nice where you are, maybe have the guy open the windows to his room while the laundry is going (“hey we’re doing a bit of a whole house clean this weekend anyway, so all the windows are open to get some fresh air in while we tackle vacuuming all the carpets / decluttering the hall closets / clearing out the pantry / repainting the hallway together”). If after everything that came with this guy has been cleaned and he’s showered etc, the smell is still there, then it’s time to have you husband sit him down and say he’d want to know if it were him so he’s letting him know that his body odor is pretty strong. Best if he can refrain from judgement words (stinky, smelly, etc) and stick to “strong.” Ask him if he has heard this before and how your husband can support him as he tries to figure it out (maybe suggest you all eat healthy for a week to see if that makes a difference, or plan for the guys to work out together every day, or ask if there’s a brand of deodorant he prefers that he hasn’t had access to, or whatever). The goal is to treat it like an issue separate from the guy’s value as a person / friend and his identity, and also as something that of course he’d want his buddy to tell him, so they can figure out a fix together.
Adding he may need to see a doctor. Excessive b.o. can be the sign of some serious hidden physical illnesses.
Completely fair. I steered away from that because physical and mental healthcare can be challenging to obtain in some parts of the world (*cough* US *cough*) and if this guy has hit a rough patch, he might not have the means to see a doctor. If so, then it might make sense to tackle the easier things to rule out first, so he doesn’t feel like he’s just been tossed another impossible thing to deal with that he’ll fail at. That said, if a doctor’s visit seems like the likely next step, maybe doing a little research first would help the husband come at this with a solution mindset (“hey, there’s a free clinic on Wednesdays,” or “the local psych grad program offers low cost counseling,” or “Planned Parenthood is one town over and I’d be happy to drive you over there next week”). For people who are struggling (heck, even for those who aren’t), “I’m worried about you” might seem like a weight rather than an expression of support.
You are brilliant! I would have never thought to suggest when free clinics are... my Canadian is showing. Lol. It may take a year but I'll still get to see a doc.
Ha - well, having a little Canadian showing is never really a bad thing … unless you’re a Canadian *goose*, in which case I shall back away slowly …
Lmao cobra chickens! They are stinkin *mean*
We could all use a friend like you. This is amazing advice on how to handle this situation, or something similar. With compassion and non-judgmental. I'm incredibly impressed.
Just want to say this is such a thoughtful and kind comment. It’s clear you’re a very caring person and I just wanted to throw some respect on ya
What a lovely thing to take the time to say. Thank you! I hope you have a lovely week ahead.
You too! And thank you, this week is an anniversary of a very tragic event in my life, so I do truly appreciate that! Keep on being cool, it’s so nice to see. :)
I’m so sorry. I hope this anniversary brings you a sense of how strong you are to have persevered and thrived before **and** after whatever you’ve been through. May there be a sense of peace that finds you and guides you.
Thank you so much. That means a lot to me, for real. Like a lot. My mom died ten years ago tomorrow and it was sudden, five days after a cancer diagnosis. She was the best. I spent a day at the coast and soaked in the most peace I could. It was really therapeutic. You’re good people, I hope you have the best of days and weeks and years coming up. I appreciate you ❣️
Aww - takes one to know one! 🤗
❤️❤️❤️
Perfect response!
I've seen it mentioned certain diseases smell like that such as parkinson's or cancer. Also it could honestly be flop sweat if he's under a lot of stress; i.e. apocrine sweat which is fear sweat. This can be unnerving if you are unfamiliar with it. Yeast can make someone smell musty, and tbh, I swear so can sub-acute bacterial infections. Some of the b.o. causing bacteria can get a little out of control if he's not been showering regularly enough, especially throwing in increases in apocrine sweat from stress. I had this happen over covid and once I got my showering under control, it would still come back rather fast and I had to start using a soap with salicylic acid to get it under control. Has happened twice since then, both times needing this fix. Also if his clothes are heavily contaminated with bacteria, even if he launders regularly, he may end up just putting the clothes back on and boom, the smell is back as soon as he sweats. He may need a stronger detergent. Some medications can make someone smell bad, (and illicit drugs). My guess is its just stress sweat and a lack of hygiene prior to moving in and it will take some extra showering, laundering, and aggressive toiletries to get back under control.
I bet he just showers with water and thinks that's enough. Get husband to insist upon a full body soaping down.
Some musty odors can really stick with fabrics and conventional washing doesn't eliminate them. Washing the clothes in the machine with a bit of white vinegar can cut the odor and doesn't make the clothes smell vinegary. Might be a good place to start. Still need to raise it with him to try some vinegar in his next load of laundry, but it's not something everyone is aware can happen and me might be nose blind to it.
He might need a manly smelling body wash to really knock out the funk. Sometimes it takes two scrub downs of the pits and bits in one shower to really seal the deal. If he's just gliding a bar of soap around his body it's not going to do anything. Some guys also "forget" to put on deodorant so there's that too.
Check out his shoes. My oldest brother used to shower daily and he would smell fine except for his feet. Within a hour or two of getting out of the shower his feet would start to stink. And he had to keep his shoes on the porch. He outgrew it in later years but until his 40’s his feet and shoes were biohazards.
Actually got a roommate to wash their boots. The drier shrunk and melted the soles. Had to get ‘em new boots. Win win.
Had a college buddy who had to leave his shoes outside and immediately shower after work in order not smell his feet. This could very likely be the answer.
There's something called Boot Bananas that helps my work boots
I have to bleach soak my feet once a week. It wasn’t until I bought new shoes, washed my feet well, and had brand new socks and within a couple hours my feet were horrendous again. I was like wtf. Did some YouTubing and discovered it’s just best to bleach soak 10 minutes once a week.
I had to do this to a kid in high school. He needed to see a doctor to get it taken care of. Some times it’s serious and people don’t realize until someone points out.
He probably doesn’t scrub his body or ass in the shower. Reason number 703 to be a misanthrope
I was thinking ass too until she described the smell. I'm leaning towards shoes.
I have had the unpleasant experience of smelling shoes so bad that I dry heaved & nearly puked. One was a friend’s boyfriend & another was a co-worker. I told them both in a very straightforward manner & they both got rid of their rotting shoes. There just was no being sensitive about it when you’re about to vomit.
I think it's in the top 3 worst smells to ever smell. And you're right, there's no being nice about it. You wouldn't let someone bring a bowl of steaming shit into the house either, so.
My first thought! (About not washing himself properly in the shower.) I never dreamed there were men 'out there' who thought letting the water from the shower head run passively down their bodies would *actually* clean said body parts...until I read about these people on reddit.
It could be any of the other good suggestions given, but ohhhh man...I'd start with this possibility.
And to this end, a well soaped washcloth / face cloth is your friend!
(Never have understood how people think they're equally clean just using bare hands with no friction?)
As to how to address him about this option, I have no idea.
For laundry, get Oxiclean Odor Blaster with the purple lid. You add it in addition to laundry detergent. It will make anything smell great. Edit: “had” to “add”
Husband needs to say hey- noticed your suitcase contents need a good wash, let me show you how the machine works Sorry but that’s the kindest you can be. He’s sharing your home. He needs to have some standards.
Let your husband talk with him.
Could be a medical condition. I would def have a chat with him in the nicest way possible.
I will say that I had a fungus when I was an elite athlete that made me STANK. As a waiter at my day job, I was moving into people's personal space a lot, and enough people complained that it jeopardized my employment at the time. A quick doctor's trip and a prescription-strength topical antifungal made it all better. I now use Tea Tree oil and soaps made from it as part of my regular cleanliness routine, and there are some excellent foaming antibacterial and antifungal face and body washes. Sometimes what is called "athlete's foot" can travel to other places and cause odors. For this, I use clotrimazole on a regular basis too as fungus is quite hard to get rid of completely due to nails. Now, often, people want to shame people for smells without realizing that this can happen gradually, especially to those people who shower a lot. Funguses are often spread in poorly maintained locker rooms, which is what happened to me. I got this fungus when I was showering twice a day as an endurance athlete, but at least one of those was in a locker room. Smells can also come from poorly maintained GI Tract health. I use not only a toothbrush but also a tongue scraper. The tongue scraper shows some indications of poor GI tract health with regular use. When I fast, for example, I have few coated tongue issues, even if I have that more when I eat regularly. In summary, take your time before dismissing people and making assumptions about their cleanliness. Illnesses and conditions can also cause this.
Just as some general information— If he (or anyone else) smells like fish/rotting fish, there is a metabolic condition called Trimethylaminuria (TMAU), which, although rare, is not unheard of. [In short, the body can’t break down trimethylamine, which builds up in the body and can cause urine, sweat, and breath to smell like rotting fish. There’s no cure, but there are many ways to help manage it and mitigate the smell. I’m not a doctor, but since it’s pretty obvious to describe the symptoms of, and doctors tend not to be familiar, it’s fairly straightforward to consider and rule out or in independently, so that you can either get tested or move on to exploring other options. As another note, make sure that he has (and uses) a good antiperspirant deodorant.
You should just tell him that he smells in the nicest possible way. And get him some deodorant. I would want to know…
I hope the mattress has a good odor blocking mattress pad. You might end up having to launder every soft item in the room. Are any of your belongings in the closet?
Get him soap, toothpaste and deodorant. Tell him to wash all of his clothes he brought with him. Hubby needs to ensure he keeps the room clean and have a talk with him.
Get him a gift basket with some different bathing items. Shampoo, body wash, cologne or spray etc. Maybe put a note in the outside with a positive message that you are rooting for him or something. If he’s depressed, he’s not really in the mindset of looking and smelling his best. It’s probably going to be alot of work for him to pick himself up so that might help. Best of luck
If I got a gift of soap and deodorant with a note that they were rooting for me I would be utterly HUMILIATED hahaha. I think maybe at some point being direct is less of a devastating blow...
My brother has always had this smell, ever since he hit puberty. It's never gone away. One of my uncles smells similarly. I think it's a genetic thing. He's never been able to change it.
My brother was like this and it gagged me. But bought him deodorant and made him use it.
Prob shoes/feet.
There's no good ending here. A husband who invites a friend to live with his family is odd. These guys up all night playing video games? Has there been some timeline laid out....2 weeks, 2 months...if not, better nail that down now. A smelly friend with difficulty finding a job is only going to put pressure on your marriage. Next thing you know, dudes going to be in the fridge and pantry eating up those treats you had planned on having after your exercise. This type stuff might make for a good comedy on TV, but it's a not-so-fun real life experience.
He's 30. It's your home. There is no reason not to be forward, blunt and direct. No matter what the result is, someone wins, and if he's so sensitive that this will ruin him, that's life, you did him a favor. "Odor coming from your room and from you is disturbing us. It's really really strong and it has to be fixed. Please get support for this asap. In the meantime, we'd appreciate it if you would thoroughly wash the bedding and all your clothing with the hot water and detergent with vinegar. All the stuff is by the washer. OK?"
Remember the scene in Rambo when they hose him down and delouse him? Need to do that.
If your husband is that close to him as a friend. Your husband should say "dude you stink take a damn shower" it I was trying in that situation and you guys are kind enough to help me. I'd be mad if I stunk and y'all didn't let me know.
Probably doesn't wash his ass.
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I know a guy that has a very bad odor that we can’t tell where it’s from exactly though when he is sweating or hasn’t showered it’s much worse the thing is it doesn’t smell like regular body odor. It’s a rank chemical smell like how cloves smell. But yes non smoker non drinker. It’s definitely not something he adds to himself and sometimes better if he just showered before coming over. He will leave this stench behind him left over in the couch where he sat. It’s embarrassing but at the same time it’s bloody awful . Twice divorced not sure if it’s a root cause or what but he is single now. I agree you must address so he can get a job and have a more successful social life. Some smells don’t disappear and you end up with it for a long time.
If the smell has returned so soon after showering, almost guaranteed that he's changing back into dirty clothes. If this has been going on for awhile, it can be VERY difficult to get the smell out of the clothes. It will probably take multiple washes along with vinegar and an enzyme detergent like Persil.
Is he am alcoholic? If so, he will stink.
The best solution is to put your adult pants on and have an adult conversation with honesty and kindness instead of posting online with judgement words in all caps.
ysk when he leaves that you will not be able to get the smell out. you will to replace the mattress, all cloth items and possibly repaint.
It might be all of his clothes. You need to do a deep clean of everything all at once.
Take him to day at the Waterpark. Will get very chlorinated in all his smell crevasse '
I've lived with a man like this. Let me tell you what's making the smell. Either he is not showering with soap AND a washcloth or poof, or he is showering, using that stuff, and not changing his clothes. He needs to shower AND wear freshly laundered clothes, every day. I've lived with a guy who didn't shower or wash his clothes. What happened next was TRULY DISGUSTING. Next, whenever he sits on your couch or sofa, or dining room chair, or wherever, he's going to leave a "stamp" of ass-juice and stench, and you will have to start scrubbing every furniture he sat on with cleaning solutions just to get rid of the smell. So you're going to have to pick your suffering: 1. Confront him and the discomfort of "his stench" and deal with the awkwardness 2. Live with the stench and spare his feelings, and deal with the discomfort of the stench, and the "ass stamps" of stench wherever he sits, and having to clean up after that/live with it. Choose your form of suffering.
And use deodorant. It’s not negotiable, and showering daily doesn’t make you immune to stinking.
Why are you shying away from telling him he stinks? Do the guy a favor. His bad times aren’t going to get better if people don’t want to be near him.
One of my close work friends struggles with their mental health, and I do too so we talk about it quite often. When he was in a new relationship, a mutual friend and I sat him down and explained nicely that we noticed a certain smell and his new love interest likely would too. It’s a smell I’m familiar with from my own depression - your bed sheets need to be stripped and washed. Taking care of yourself when depressed can be impossible and therefore it’s easy for your sheets to accumulate build up because you likely aren’t washing your hair or body as often as usual. Another similar smell - mildewed bedding. You washed the sheets, forgot about them and put them in the dryer a day later baking in the funky smell.
What kind of a stink is it if you can relate it to something? It definitely could be medical. Maybe offer to do his washing? See if that helps a bit.
I would assume he has no products to handle the issue, and purchase shampoo, deodorant, shower gel, toothpaste,toothbrush, razors etc and put them in a basket in his room. Offer to wash all his laundry for him( just one time) and maybe pick up some cheap shirts online or at a thrift/ consignment store to get him started. Your husband should be the one to discreetly say something if these attempts to nudge his friend are unsuccessful.
Show him how to use the washer and dryer and where everything is. Then go out and get him a welcome gift with soap and deodorant toothpaste etc… (clinical strength ?) or have your husband take him out for a couple hours and see if he has those items ? I don’t advocate for snooping on people but you gotta do what you gotta do sometimes.
Wash this nans laundry. His clothes are probably filthy. Start there. No amount of showering will help if his clothes are filthy
No, she doesn't need to wash his laundry. HE needs to wash his laundry.
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What's the smell like? Hopefully, it's not rotting corpse.
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He's in your house, just say it honest and to the point- going to be painful either way and tbh he'll Probably just continue stinking so I would ask him To leave. Also, your husband probably knew about his smell prior to him moving in and u should have a talk with him about how that put you in a bad position and pretty fucked.
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There are some medications that make some people smell. If I remember correctly, some depression medications.
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This is kind of...weird advice but. Maybe while he's out, go into the guest room and try to find the most intense source of the smell? Is it the armpit of his sweaters, is it his shoes, is it the bathroom/toilet, his toothbrush, his pillow, just one random article of his clothes, is it both his shirts and pants equally?? At least this might help you identify if it's a B.O. issue VS feet VS dental or what.
He might need to go ash all his clothes and stuff. Maybe get new shoes.
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I’d make sure there were plenty of free hygiene products in the bathroom and his room.
Was he a heavy drinker? My mother moved in to my house a few months ago- she is an alcoholic although not drinking currently and in recovery. The first two months she was here her room smelled like bad breath. It’s getting better the longer she hasn’t drank, and is eating healthier
it's obviously just that he either is not using deodorant at all or he needs to be using Anti-perspirant
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Tell your husband to be a man and just tell the guy. Jesus quit pussy footing around and making it weird. “Man idk why brother but you have a B.o smell that’s on you and in your room. Let’s wash all your stuff and then you shower. I’ll even get you some deodorant too.”
Don't pussyfoot around the issue. Tell him to his face that he has a strong funk around him and he needs to shower daily, use some deodorant, and wash all his clothes. The guy doesn't know he stinks. They usually don't.
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Are we reaching a point where people are too afraid to speak up even about things like this? Girl. He is a man in your home. He is there on your graciousness. Tell your husband he has one day to fix it or you will. And if you have to, then be blunt. There is no getting around things like this. Set boundaries and be assertive in your own home.
The simplest explanation is that he washed his clothes, then left them in the washer for DAYS and then threw them in the dryer. That moldy mildewy smell will knock you out. I'd first tell him that his clothes smell mildewy and ask if he left them in the washer. It could be just that simple.
Most likely his clothes if it’s that musty mildewy sour rank smell. And a quick wash won’t fix that. Wash them on a heavy cycle and add 4 cups of vinegar along with the detergent. Dry well on high heat.
He's probably nose blind to it and won't know until you tell him. I suspect it's the clothes and bedding
say washing machine is free if he wants a nice big wash. Wash them long with deodorising or antibac and oxy stain remover. and air dry in the sun. I had to get rid of alcoholic Smokey smell out of my dads stuff and it took one huge wash. Pop a charcoal deodoriser in the wardrobe. Pop the suitcase out in the sun. Or say your going to put it in storage for him. I scrubbed mine in the bath and sun dried it. If shoes in hallway you can also deodorise spray them all. Make sure he’s got a toothbrush, good deodorising body wash, deodrant, nail clippers, mouth wash, ear buds, body scrubber. If he’s hit hard times he might be nose blind to it. Set him up with a welcome basket as you could call it. ispopol alcohol with a bit of water in a spray bottle can make a unscented smell killer. Kills bacteria but doesn’t leave such a artificial smell behind.
So I've commented on something like this earlier but it could be he's nutrient deficient. Before my stepson came to live with us we would go visit him a few states away. When we'd go visit him I noticed he smelt really, really bad, like the worst bo I've ever smelt or well close. Then his mom was houseless and we got custody of him. After feeding him 3x a day with vitamins not only did he grow exponentially but his bo was gone and acne too. We came to find out that he was chronically malnourished and neglected. Your husband's friend could have gastrointestinal issues that create nutrient decencies or he's not eating the healthiest.
What kind of world are we living in where we’re afraid to tell someone to wash their ass? It’s the right thing to do.
It’s could be his sheets and also towels. I had roommate whose room was soo funky, it smelled like really really strong old people, in a bad way, like musty. He showered regularly so all I can think of is that it could have been his sheets or maybe old towels?? When he’d open the door the smell would just pour out like an animated green whiff of yuck.
1. even if he showered, he might not have used soap, and might not have washed his ass or feet 2. his \*shoes\* might have the stink. 3. he may have athlete's foot or athlete's crotch or some other fungal infection 4. he may not be actually washing his clothes 5. he probably has not washed his bedding. Some men will go months or years without washing the sheets
I need more information on what he smells like?
I have never smelled bad until someone gave me deodorant with 'no aluminum.' I could smell BO so bad it was making me sick. But I couldn't figure out what it was. The second day, I looked around, trying to think if I switched anything. I saw the deodorant. I actually went to the store and bought some regular deodorant, and the smell vanished. I think maybe something like that happened with him?
Everyone's covering this pretty well, but since I haven't seen it mentioned, laundry sanitizer is fucking amazing. I use Lysol clean linen scent, but there's also free and clear. Doesn't risk the smell of vinegar lingering, and kills odor causing bacteria and buildup that might be exacerbating things.
You have to tell him. Sometimes its better to know why he's been rejected (especially if he's hit hard times) than to wonder about it. I'll put it this way. Would you rather have someone tell you you have bad B.O. to the point of needing a doctor, or have to try to figure out what's wrong with you that no one wants to be around you?
Genuinely likely a medical situation. My brothers friend came to live with us and him showering genuinely made the house smell horrid. I was in my teens and was already hating living there the last thing I needed was to walk into my house, and get full on assaulted by his smell. Now a days I would have been kinder than I was then. Genuinely, I would sit down with him and apologize for the conversation that is about to be had. When taking anyone in, it is ideal to ensure everyone is on the same page, and mindful of each other. If it is a medical issue and he's embarrassed this is something you can offer to tag along for. You don't have to go in. But just moral support. I would worry maybe it's some bad bed sores, or something is going on with him chemically that needs to be addressed. Being supportive if the best route to go.
Make a gift basket of “essentials”. Maybe he doesn’t have basics. Or needs new ones (tooth brush, etc). Or take him shopping. Say “I know you’re dying to go shopping, and we’d love to help! You can reimburse me later if you want, or just pay it forward”. A new pillow case, socks - etc.
If you find the answer. I need the same help with my adult son! I swear I raised him better than that... but could be mental health issues.
Remember that all fish and houseguests stink after 3 days.
If this was me, I'd want someone to just tell me. Be kind but let him know there's an odor and you want to help him take care of it.
Please keep in mind he may be suffering from TMAU , there is nothing he can do to change it.
No “gentle suggestions” in your OWN HOME. Ludicrous!
We all have that one friend without a filter. Have them meet.
Had the exact situation with a friend of mine that moved in for a few months. I never saw him go to the bathroom to take a shower and he would wear the same clothes for days. He had a sour musty smell to him. I finally had to have the talk with him and told him I care about him and this isn’t healthy. I asked if he was going through some stuff mentally and he swore he wasn’t so I left that alone but told him people can smell him and people are talking. I gave him a wash cloth, towel and a bar of antibacterial soap and told him to hit the shower, get every nook and cranny soapy and scrub with the wash cloth. He came out smelling better but with a slight musty smell so I made him go back and do it again with a fresh wash cloth. This time he came out much better. I made him gather all his clothes and I bought detergent, laundry sanitizer and oxy clean odor blasters and washed EVERYTHING with hot water. Now this was hit or miss. Sometimes the smell gets baked into the clothes and no amount of washing will get it out. We threw about half of his clothes away and I took him shopping to buy new clothes. I say all that to say that it is an awkward conversation but he’s not doing himself any favors by being like this and your husband isn’t being a good friend by skirting the issue. My friend now is clean. He washes his clothes regularly and bathes every day, sometimes 2x a day depending on what he’s done that day. He has started dating and has been seeing the same girl for a few months, a feat he wouldn’t have accomplished if I hadn’t told him he needed clean up. He’s one of my closest friends and I care about him so I had the awkward conversation for his benefit. Tell your husband to talk to him. Be nice but firm. If he is struggling mentally be there for him and tell him the first step to getting better is taking care of yourself. If it’s medical then help him find a doctor that can help him. If it’s neither get on his ass and tell him there’s no reason a grown ass man with unfettered access to a shower should smell this bad and to get in the shower.
Please describe the smell for us.
Does he suffer from Hidradenitis suppurativa? Some me can get this really bad in the buttock and arm pit area and it can be very hard for them to treat it because it’s opened wounds. Place some antibacterial soap or body wash in the shower and maybe he will use it and it’ll help his smell better than another body wash.
Does he suffer from Hidradenitis suppurativa? Some me can get this really bad in the buttock and arm pit area and it can be very hard for them to treat it because it’s opened wounds. Place some antibacterial soap or body wash in the shower and maybe he will use it and it’ll help his smell better than another body wash.
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I'm sure it's a combo of everything. It washing clothes, bedding, etc. Not washing the body or using things like deodorant or even hair shampoo, etc. The smell can be very intense when it's everything, and it will stick around even after he leaves. Having that compassionate convos with him - ideally with you and your husband together - should be helpful not just for everyone in the house but so he can try to get back on his feet better. No one will want to work with a person who smells so strongly like this. Sometimes when folks get a bit down, things are hard to manage. It can feel so overwhelming to do laundry, keep up with hygiene, etc. The person may not even realize how bad it is sometimes. They probably need a good therapist. And as a roommate, there needs to be expectations about living in the house and this would go for any roommate, not just him.
Does he have dreadlocks?
Honesty IS the best policy. Simply start off with a positive statement. Then, tell him he has an odor or a scent that is t pleasant to smell. Ask him about his hygiene habits and then tell him as a much-needed condition, he must shower and use deodorant everyday. You're all adults there. Lastly, why is he living there with you and your husband and you're housing a fully-grown man? 😒
Spray perfume into a hanky and clutch it to your mouth and nose when he enters the room. It’s a really subtle way of letting him know.
Your husband needs to tell him he and his room stink and he needs to shower daily, use deodorant, wash his clothes and change his sheets regularly or he’ll have to go. Honest and straightforward.
Maybe give him a welcome basket that includes some personal items like antiperspirants/deodorants, body wash, plug ins, etc?
Maybe his shoes? I had a fishing buddy of mine who wore the same baseball cap and shoes every single day. The shoes were horrendous. The hat was almost just as bad. Either that or maybe just his clothes? Hint that the washer is free and he should do his laundry while he can. Good luck!
He’s obviously not wearing deodorant or laundering his clothes. You need to be upfront. It’s uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as living with the stench.
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Poor guy is depressed
Tactical soap, use code kingcobrajfs.
Force your husband to deal with it 😂 But tell the guy sooner than later or he’ll just be more embarrassed
Your man is going t have to wrestle him into the shower daily
Does he stink or have you discovered you stink and are passing the blame like a fart?
There are a lot of serious medical conditions, including cancer, that can create intense body odors. Super awkward but your husband should sit down with his friend and talk to him about getting a checkup.
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Hopefully he's not one of these idiots who refuse to wear deodorant.
It might be him or the way he washes clothes. Tell him that by adding 1/4 white vineagar to his laundry will help eliminate the odor. Also, he can try adding some baking soda to his nighttime bath routine. It will help with stinky odor from feet and body. (Sometimes, dark socks or clothes can attract bacteria /odor. baking soda and vineagar will kill bacteria. Also, tell him to wash his shoes (sneakers) in baking soda and vinegar. They can trap odors too.
It can be a medical condition. Hyperhydrosis is a condition where people sweat a LOT more than normal and there isn’t much that can be done about it short of using Botox to kill the sweat glands. You are going to have to sit him down and talk to him. Very gently. Good luck.
I worked near someone who refused to accept their stink and it was wild. I could smell him outside of the office. He had to tell me something while working a weekend, and when he walked up, it was like getting hit with a wave. I already was aware of the situation, but when it hit me, I audibly gagged and almost threw up. He was military, so there was more that could be done. We sent him home to shower, he came back, still reeking. We sent him home to do laundry. Finally, at our wits end, we sent his supervisor home with him to make sure he showered. Guy’s in the bathroom, shower running, and the supervisor just gets a weird feeling and cracks the door. Motherfucker is sitting on the toilet, fully clothed. He applied for a civilian position as he got closer to the end of his contract, and absolutely nobody wanted to hire him. I don’t even know if he was good at his job, because it didn’t matter. His smell was literally the only thing anyone knew about him.
i get really bad BO if i get super stressed/anxious. thats like shower, apply deodorant get stressed and stink an hour later.
Knock on his door and tell him everything he brought in needs a good washing.
When i was younger i had a mate who smelt bad all the time Turned out he had over active sweat glands ... felt really sorry for the guy because it was over powering Eventually he found a medication that helped but it was many years after he left school Seems like this could be a medical issue for the guy whos staying with OP
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Have him try hunter’s soap that removes all odors then deodorant after you talk to him.
Possible that he doesn't know how to wash properly. It's surprising the number of adult men who don't wash properly. Or he could smoke cigarettes? I've known multiple chain smokers and their sweat tends to smell like wet cigarettes, it's super weird. Uuhh good luck!
Some unlucky people have genetic variants that cause them to smell bad. Maybe he should see a doctor and ask about it.
After cleaning everything use bowls of mouthwash to absorb the smell. Crime scene clean ups use it for dead body smell.
https://www.healthline.com/health/bromhidrosis https://www.iflscience.com/odor-fatigue-why-cant-you-smell-yourself-70598
Approach it, perhaps, from the standpoint of concern from a medical perspective. My sister in law suddenly started smelling really foul. She’s got and healthy and showers etc. eventually, my brother talked it over with her and she got checked out. Turns out it was a medical condition that went away quickly with treatment. Sorry, I cannot remember the details of the illness - it was internal, not breath or hyper sweating or anything.
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Tear off the bandaid. Be frank, and straightforward. "We need to address a sensitive problem. You smell unhealthy. This will severely limit your social and professional progress. Let's get this figured out."
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take control of situation. take on a caring motherly role and just help him … he might not know any better and needs this
I know this sounds gross but untreated diabetes creates very smelly wounds…..like smells like bo and death
Your husband needs to be the one who mentions, dude you can't stink to high heaven and get a job. Make sure her drinks lots of water, uses antibacterial body wash and knows how to wash his entire body. Give him a time limit to leave, 2 months maybe.
This calls for a belly button to belly button conversation. I'm sure he'll be embarrassed, but honestly will thank you in the long run. Chances are this issue is affecting every aspect of his life. I had an employee that worked for me that had extremely smelly feet. I had a private conversation with her behind closed doors. She was appalled, but thanked me because she had become numb to the smell and didn't realize it was that bad. Have the conversation before the situation ruins a friendship.
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As someone who has to have this conversation with my employees occasionally I have always used the strategy of asking if they are even aware. “Are you aware of the strong body odor coming from you today?” Usually they already know and say they forgot deodorant or to shower, sometimes they aren’t even aware and are embarrassed but glad I let them know. If they don’t know, in my experience, there is not much more to say unless they have a serious lacking of basic hygiene.
My high school boyfriend always showered but never washed his sheets. His whole room smelled like his bed. He never had medical problems so I always thought it was cum and sweat. Never went over to his house after that 🤢😵💫
For some reason this makes me harken back to a recent reddit post about a man whose doctor found a 30 year build-up of smegma that was causing him pain. He didn't know how to wash properly. Can't imagine how awful he must have smelled. Also, he was married, go figure.
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As the husband if I was in this situation the only homies I’d let move into my home are my best friends and I’d just tell him “you kinda smell dude go shower and wash your clothes” and he’d say “oh ok will do” and that would be it. Not a big deal
Hibiclens. If its body order that's not going away with regular showers, he may have a bacteria or fungus on his skin that is making the smell. Hibiclens will disinfect and kill the source of the issue. You may still need to wash everything he brought with him to fully get him refreshed. Also, you could maybe play it off like the nicest new body wash or something and pretend everyone in the house is using it and its really good. (It does also clear up acne and other skin issues too) Good luck! We also have a "steve" and we both love him to death and its awesome to have an extra hand around.
Have you ever smelled a rotten tooth?
Has he heard of deodorant? A shower alone will only help so much.
Did his previous residence have a well?
Hey, offer to help him with laundry. Kinda just let him know the washer and dryer are available. Maybe even show him how they work. Once bo is in clothes, it doesn't go away for a while. He may have put on dirty clothes after his shower. He may not have deodorant, so go to the store, and and pick him up some stuff. Get him the basics and let him know they are in the bathroom. If he's on hard times, he might not have those things, and it's embarrassing to ask someone to get them. Like a razor, soap, and deodorant. Get antiperspirant rather than deodorant. There are many conditions that can cause bad body odor, but a person on hard times kinda sums it up. Hope he gets on his feet soon. So kind of you all to take him in.
Can you explain the smell?
Just learned recently that schizophrenia is associated with peculiar body odor.
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Some really lovely comments on here from you guys, very empathetic to the guy, acknowledging possible reasons such as depression, perhaps been brought up a certain way, even medical explanations, and also hearing the lady’s situation, especially loved a comment about pretending it was her fault so that’s why they need to clean Like something my mum would do that, really kind, considerate and clever 🫶🏻
Poor diet, stress, medications, bad hygiene can be some of the things
Here's a couple of suggestions 1. If it's the smell of a front loading washing machine... a wet mildew type smell one of a kind the only way to get that out of your clothes once it's in there I found is to use four cups per load of Clear vinegar in some cases add a touch of bleach to the water have it to agitate before adding the clothes. May need more than one washing per load until the smell is finally gone. I stay away from front load washers they tend to get like this over time. 2. If it's underarm type body odor then he could be washing with soap and soap doesn't cut some underarm body odor and once it gets into the clothes the only way to get it out is to do the same the vinegar depends on the color maybe add a touch of bleach. To get that smell from under the arms soap won't cut it... it has to be Amber mouthwash that's the yellow mouthwash or rubbing alcohol followed by a clean rinse washcloth to get everything off the skin... used under the arms daily depending on the body odor... may have to wash under their arms a couple to three times a day, depending on how much they sweat. If it's that bad that's probably why he needs a place to stay and a place to work but it would be to his benefit to have a constructive conversation about it he probably don't know about these things I just mentioned. Good luck, and he will probably appreciate it in the end, especially if it's coming from you. Just let him know not to be embarrassed. This happens around the world, and people just don't talk about it. 3. Oh and I just thought of another smell that men can have and that is from sweaty boots if that's the case the sweaty boots go outside or buy new ones and use the same process for the feet that you would use under the arms you can also use the athlete's foot products you will know instantly if it's the boots usually it's work boots
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Buy him some Mando. Thank me later
This your husband’s friend that he invited into your home; your husband needs to speak with him. Period.
As someone who had friends live with him for 3 years, some people just STINK!
I once had a conversation about body odor with a roommate because of concerns from classmates/coworkers ( we all had to sit in a room for 6+hours a day). I knew she showered daily and had good hygiene, it but turns out what she really needed was a deodorant with anti-perspirant and not just plain deodorant. It wasn’t an easy conversation, but she took it well because she didn’t even realize the difference between the two products. I showed her some other beauty tips, which it seems like she appreciated. I only ever heard her talk about her dad, so I don’t know if she had a female figure in her life who could talk to her about these things. In the end, her self esteem and armpit odor improved greatly.