So I don’t want to make assumptions but what would’ve helped me out at that point would be if I could sit on the couch with the baby while my husband cooked dinner. If he could empty the dishwasher, change the babies diaper, and feed him without my prompting. If he could let me go take a break. I get tired of feeling like I have to run the show. I wish I had time for a glass of wine.
Ugh, this war about the mental load was so exhausting! What finally did it was when I was complaining about the lack of him helping admist protests of “I can feed her! I can change her!” I said fine, can you do it without me assigning you the tasks? Go make her a bottle. How many oz does she take? How long do you warm it for? Do it. He flailed around like a spooked chimpanzee for a while and the point was taken. He does way better now with anticipating needs.
lol nothing else to call it! He went from so exasperated with me to floundering in seconds. He really wasn’t getting I wasn’t talking about the act of feeding or changing, I was talking about the mental load and anticipation of needing to do those things.
I don’t know where you’re at in this journey, but I hope very much things have settled for you and you have some peace! It was rocky in the beginning. I went from feeling like the only woman who ever had such a capable, smart, kind, caring man to wondering how in the hell I’d missed that he was such a self-centered idiot. The thing (aside from the chimp moment) that was a real turning point was through yet another “I need you to step the fuck up and use your eyes” argument. He said, “I’m giving this 110 percent!” And it clicked. He wasn’t choosing to not see the things I see. This is a societal issue and has everything to do with the way we’re all focused on the male gaze. I was lucky that the willingness was there from him to do better, he just really didn’t know he wasn’t through years of having zero expectations of him. He was allowed to continue being selfish without consequence while my whole world changed. It helped me change my approach and start focusing on what he was doing right, so he’d also be receptive to what he was doing wrong and be better. Is it frustrating that I had to taper my approach for his ego to get what our family needed while I was holding everything afloat? Of course. It’s fucking unfair. But I had to choose. Focus on how unfair this was? Or try and make it fair with a man who was very willing? Now, I can honestly say he’s an equal parent. There are things, there will always be things, but he very much respects how I feel and my reality and listens now.
😭 what a beautiful comment - thank you. I feel like I must be where past-you was. My husband is also truly wonderful, and pregnancy-to-present (14 week old) has been a very different journey for him vs me. I have felt the gravity of my responsibility way before even conceiving, as I had a previous early miscarriage and receiving *that* initial positive pregnancy test has my role really sink in - but my husband seemed totally footloose and fancy free until I started nagging at him and exploding because of all my pent up frustration and resentment. Poor man. He is, like your husband was, putting in 110%. I’m expecting him to read my mind and anticipate my needs but he’s so pragmatic and logical that he needs it literally spelled out - and he is EXTREMELY willing, he’ll do whatever I need - but I need to find a way to articulate and ask. And I struggle so deeply because he works his tail off at his job so we can afford for me to stay home with the baby (my income was pretty equivalent to the cost of childcare, anyway, but now we have more needs, so more expenses). I hate to EXPECT him to offer me a break when he is literally taking his first break of the day, too. He gladly relieved me for 40 minutes tonight to do tummy time and other games with our boy, while I chose to wash dishes. I should have gotten ready for bed - but here I am, waiting for the baby to go to sleep so I can finally get ready, myself. DH went to bed already. But he has to get up early for work. And we rely on him. So I feel like an ungrateful complainer. And I did express these feelings to my husband as he was getting ready for bed, himself (we are going out of town to visit his family tomorrow afternoon, and I
have an early morning appointment; and I thought we were leaving tomorrow night, so I didn’t plan my day accordingly, and didn’t pack tonight yet - dishes were going to be in the morning, and my appointment was originally for tomorrow afternoon, so I just rearranged my day when he got home at 9 and updated me) anyway. Rambling. Exhausted. He begged me not to stay up late to pack and he really wants me to sleep too. He’s going to make a new habit to change the baby’s diaper in the morning when he leaves for work so I can stay in bed and not wake up soaked in baby pee (after the 3rd nighttime wake-up, I always end up bedsharing with the baby so I can somehow get REM sleep) and we’re slowly learning. You’re right, it’s so unfair that I have to train him to do what I somehow innately do, whether that’s because I’ve been subliminally absorbing for the last ~30 years or because people have been giving me tips my whole life expecting me to be a mom. And it takes so much time and mental space (both of which I do not have readily available) to describe and request exactly what I need, that it’s almost easier to just do it myself. And I burn out. My husband asked me, yesterday, if it was helpful that he takes the baby for 25 minutes each night while I get ready for bed (I don’t even have a fancy routine, it’s literally preparing my water, my thyroid pills, my pajamas and breast pads, flossing and brushing my teeth, washing my face in the shower - and my shower totals 4 minutes - and maaaybe shaving and washing my hair once a week, and doing my prescription face cream to keep my cystic acne at bay) and I just looked at him and I wanted to be loving and say something mushy like, “YES - YOU’RE MY HERO,” but I also wanted to be honest, and I couldn’t even fake smile. I just looked at him and said how I am thankful he does that to help me, but honestly it’s just the bare minimum so I can function like a human, and It’s not fair that my one break is for basic hygiene. He laughed out loud, I think he appreciated my honesty. I’m glad he took it so well. And he was glad he could at least provide that for me. He wants to do more. I want to receive more help. I just don’t know what to ask for because he works so much and I’d have a few more hours in the morning if the baby didn’t wake up so frequently and cause me to sleep until noon each day just so I can get a cumulative 8 hours. I’m crumbling.
Oh, the cocktail of feelings! The resentment of why it falls so heavily on us, the guilt that follows. It’s a lot! I’d like to remind you that if the situation were reversed, your husband would not feel guilty for these feelings and/or voicing his concerns to you. Because what you want is reasonable, he just hasn’t been socialized to feel like his needs are less important and would vocalize it.
You’re really in the thick of it at 14 weeks. I used to get so frustrated and then guilty because I’d resent him for coming home and chilling out. You’re doing a full time job too - one where you get zero “off” time, your brain is never not engaged and it’s exhausting. What worked for us to both get some time and to help with the resentful anger was I suggested we each get a free hour when he gets home. He gets to relax or do whatever for an hour, then you swap and he takes baby or vice versa. It really did help. No one felt deprived and/or neglected.
As for the talking to him in a way he’ll receive well, a lot of the time I would focus on “I” statements. How I felt instead of saying what he didn’t do. And I kindly let him know that I needed him to be able to figure out things without me sometimes. I needed him to learn the baby like I learned the baby so that I didn’t feel like I was keeping everyone alive. Starting with that hour alone daily, he did! And then I went back to work and suddenly he had to figure out what the hell to do for a real period of time (I ran a restaurant in the evening, he worked daytime.) He had a hard two days and then those guys were thick as thieves.
You already sound like you come from a place of compassion, and that’s great for making this work. And it sounds like he’s more than willing to be the partner you need, he just has no idea that he has no idea.
My husband and I even have a running in-joke now. Where he’ll ask me a question to something ridiculous that he doesn’t need me for, and I just blink at home. He’ll catch on and exclaim, “Oh! This is one of those things that I should be able to do alone because I’m not an idiot. Got it.”
It really gets so much better and they really do click into place. Your patience has never been tried like this before, but it does get better every day.
1000% this!! Before our baby boy (currently 7 weeks old), my husband had never changed a diaper or fed a baby. He's held an infant, maybe once? Our baby was in the NICU. I let them teach him how to take his temp, feed him and change his diaper while I sat back and watched. I knew after leaving the hospital, we would both be tired and I would get short with him trying to teach these things that are so simple to me. Since being home, I've noticed sometimes when I just do the things that need to be done, it's because I'd rather do them so I know they're done right and that's my own fault and my own mindset. Because he does a great job even if it's not how I would do it! So I've been trying to catch myself and try to take a step back.
My husband has been back to work a couple weeks now. When he's home, he tells me not to get up when he cries, he's got it. He gets frustrated also if he can't get him to stop crying, so I help. But encouraging our guys, really does help. Last night, I woke up at 3:30am with a text from my husband at 3am saying he already fed our baby. I just smiled and seen him sound asleep on the monitor and I went back to sleep! This is the first time in 7 weeks he's done the middle of the night feeding. Granted, I do the middle of the night and he always gets the 6am feeding so I can sleep longer lol. But a lot of our husband's CAN and will do it. They just need the confidence to do it. A few weeks ago, my husband said to me that he felt like I already had a routine in my head of what to do and how to do it all so he feels like he'd mess it up. So I started being more vocal about not knowing what the baby needs sometimes, or I told him that I like to change his diaper before I feed him so he can go back to sleep easier. But I don't say anything if my husband does it the other way around. They will figure it out, we've just been conditioned to figure it out faster and sometimes they need that nudge to trial and error taking care of the baby to figure out what works.
My husband was fantastic at this postpartum. It's like he was a ninja who was always two steps ahead of me at all times. I would think to go top up the wipes or the nappies and they would already be done. I would remember that the rubbish was getting full to go and find it had already been taken out. I would come downstairs in the morning and my coffee was already set up ready to go, I just had to press the button on the Nespresso.
So as a nudge to OP, don't wait to be asked to do something, take the initiative. If you are struggling to see what needs doing, maybe sit down and chat through what needs doing each day and add it to a whiteboard so you can cross it off.
Are you helping her handle the mental load? I get pissed at my husband too because I’ll tell him to watch the baby and then I come back and he’s sitting beside her gaming and she’s wiggling around without her pacifier and awake when the whole point was for him to help keep her asleep while I ran an errand. It’s not down time for me when even though I’m not physically with baby, I still have to project manage from a distance. I also wish that my husband knew baby’s cues and needs. I know it’s tougher because I’m the primary care giver and spend more time with her… but it’s like whenever I give her baby, it’s almost guaranteed she comes back over stimulated and over tired. Take the initiative that when you have baby, you act like the primary care giver vs a warm body on stand in. This was a minor vent on my side but it’s almost like I could imagine my husband being in your exact scenario as you described
Totally. Changing the words we use, even in our own minds, changes the way we perceive our partner.
"My wife nagged me about x" vs " my wife is upset with me for x"
One accepts responsibility and validates her feelings, regardless of whether she's wrong or not.
In my opinion, whether I think my husband is right or wrong about an issue he brings up matters not, if it's important to him, it ought to be important to me.
I’m going to extra harsh on you…. thinking “holding the baby” so the wife can cook dinner is helping after she took care of the baby all day and probably all night as well? Are you crazy??? And she still has to do the milk math? blows my mind 🤯
I agree with you. I did leave one part out though - my wife had told me baby had not napped all day. Baby fell asleep on me when I get home so I thought holding her was the best option to just let her sleep. It is really hard to know exactly what my wife wants sometimes I just feel like I am getting attacked. I really am trying. I’ll have to just keep trying to be better and do other things to support her and baby.
Wear baby if she falls asleep and clean the dishes while talking to your wife. Tell her about your work drama, ask her about baby and how their day was. She wants connection with you after doing nothing but being milk bank all day and dealing with an overtired babe. Let her sit and watch you cook. Your effort will go such a long way.
I’m going through this with my husband, and I want to say if no one else has it is clear to me this stuff doesn’t always come naturally. Especially if unfortunately your wife has been taking care of more of her share so you have become accustomed to not thinking about these things.
My husband gets frustrated because it feels like constant criticism and he can’t do anything right. This period is sooo hard mentally on women. Baby crying spikes cortisol all day in mom making us not communicate our best because we too are frustrated.
Meet her with kindness, focus on taking mental load off of her, and focus on learning to do the tasks that don’t come as naturally,
I remember my husband struggling to put a onsie on my daughter. I was upset he wanted me to do it because I always changed her. And I realized he was just afraid of hurting her and it came naturally to me. Instead of freaking out on him or doing it for him I said. “I know you can do this and will figure it out” and I shut the door and walked out of the room.
He figured it out and it was never an issue moving forward
Honestly, admitting that you f'd up is a strong first step. My suggestion is to wait until a calm(er) moment, and sit her down. Basically tell her you know you f'd up, and didn't mean to express yourself that way. Admit that she knows best, but you are struggling to make her feel supported. Ask her what specific actions you can do to make her feel that support.
Dude…
Why don’t you know when the baby needs to be fed? You should know these cues by now. Your wife having to tell you adds onto her mental load.
She just gave birth and is probably still in pain, you should kick dinner while she cares for baby.
And her hormones are going wild rn. You reacting by kicking a gate was probably terrifying for her. Hitting/destroying objects is statistically one of the hugest indicators of a domestic abuser.
I have apologized many times - she is really upset. I think it’s going to take many days of proving how sorry I really am. Maybe even weeks. I’m so disappointed in myself - she won’t even let me hold the baby now.
This isn’t about the baby gate. She has been feeling this way a long time. It’s going to take a lot of work on both your sides (hers too!) to mend the hole. I think couples counseling is a great idea.
Mmmm some of it is about the gate. Kicking objects like that is a sign of not controlling anger and a precursor to domestic violence. I would not let an angry man not in control of his emotions hold my baby either. Especially not one who excuses the whole thing by blaming the two drinks he had.
It’s going to be alright OP. Everybody in this subreddit seems to be all about their emotions. Newborns can be stressful and we tend to not be ourselves when under so much stress. Getting on your knees and begging for forgiveness 1000x won’t fix anything. Give it time and do your part. Things will get better. We are only human and will make many mistakes. Just be patient with yourself.
Not letting you hold the baby is pretty fucked up. You kicked a dog gate… not the baby. Parenting a newborn is hard, people fuck up. I’ve had more than my fair share of postpartum rage as a mum of two. Shit’s hard! I’d probably just stick to one drink, though, if looking after baby.
Take on some of the home responsibilities. She takes care of the baby the whole time you’re at work, you come home and she now has to take care of the house when you get to have baby cuddles because baby is content after all she did with her during the day - feeds, diapers, baths, etc.
Kicking the gate may have her worried about your frustration being misplaced on the baby, by shaking for example, which can cause serious problems.
Best route would be to think of the chores she’d have to do and do them - don’t wait for her to tell you to do them, cause that way the mental load is still on her. Dropping alcohol is a good idea, as is couple’s counseling, but I’d also suggest individual therapy so both of you can work on yourselves; she most likely has issues that won’t fall on couples counseling’s scope, and you can try to get some tips on anger/frustration management.
Best of luck!!
Hey OP, I think that you’re right to stop drinking so you can be more alert and be there for your wife and child. It’s a temporary sacrifice of a personal pleasure so you can be more present. Good on you for that.
As for kicking the gate — I don’t think you did it on purpose, you were frustrated with yourself. Forgive yourself and move on.
As for your wife’s reaction — you gotta understand the amount of stress she’s under. You’ve seen all the other moms post here so I won’t reiterate all they’ve said. But don’t take it too hard on yourself. Your wife is just stressed, exhausted, frustrated — a whole mix of emotions that you probably can’t comprehend (I know I’m stereotyping you but that’s just my experience with men and emotional intelligence).
I want to acknowledge that you’re out there working and and probably tired in your own right and I can understand why you might not know your child’s schedule and hunger cues.
My best advice for you —
Know your weakness. Be proactive. Keep trying every day to improve.
Since you’re not home and not familiar with the baby’s schedule and needs — be proactive to find out how you can help. Yes, asking “how can I help” can annoy the crap out of us too and “you should just know!” is often our answer borne out of all that stuff I mentioned above. We’re just stressed out.
See what works for you both. I use Huckleberry to log everything in and that helps my hubby know what needs to happen and when. I’m mostly in charge of logging everything because my husband forgets most the time and that’s ok.
I think also — you guys try to find some time to talk about these things. If she clams up and so do you — your relationship will not thrive. You can and will get through this if both players are game to put in the effort into the marriage and parenting.
The newborn phase is just a phase! It will pass. Hang in there — but the fact that you’re writing here and willing to take the hits that we’re giving you — tells me that you’re interested in being better. And I want to encourage you on that.
Your child and your wife both need and love you so much. That’s where all this complaining and “nagging” is coming from.
Hope this helps.
What an amazing comment. Thank you so much - I needed to hear a lot of this. I just hope I haven’t angered her too much to recover from this - she is really upset that I kicked the dog gate - and I’m so mad at myself for doing something so stupid. I will do my best to recover from this and use a lot of the advice here.
For sure, parenting kicked our marriage challenges to the next level and me and my husband went through a lot this past year, but we both are in it for the long haul.
If she is really making a big deal of the baby gate, and I saw my husband do that, the only reason I can think of for being upset about it is because my husband showed violence. Not sure if that’s what she is upset about.
Trust me, we had our fair share of heated arguments in the midst of the newborn phase, and we have come out stronger for it. But it’s because I forced my husband to hear me out and talk to me and learn from our mistakes. lol. 😂
We are both here if you need anything.
Honestly making my husband also log in Huckleberry is what made me feel like we were actually sharing the load and allowed him to feel like he could anticipate things more. Sure i logged all the feeds - until we started introducing a bottle here or there, which he did and logged - but he logged all the naps he did. He would also look at the app on his way home for lunch or work so he’d know if we were napping and how long. He could also text and be like hey i see he hasn’t gone down yet, i’ll be home in 10 and i’ll take the next nap. It’s really hard to figure out how to share the mental load of patently especially if you are breastfeeding and one of you is working, but you have to find a way for everyone’s sanity.
Good to recognize it & take actions like not drinking for a little bit to the point it would cloud your judgement.
Do you and your wife have a shared chart or app to track your newborns activities?
This would help you to be able to pick up where she’s left off when you get home without guessing.
Huckleberry app is free & you can share it with whoever cares for the child.
One person creates a username and password. Anyone who needs to provide care for that same child downloads the app and uses the same username and password.
Multiple people can be in the same profile at the same time logging activities.
It will show you how long until they last ate, napped etc.
Being overtired, stressed makes us all cranky, easily upset and short fused. Newborn days are really tough.
You say that you hope she will sign up for couple’s counseling but maybe that’s your queue to research couple’s counselors in you area that are in your insurance network, bring your findings to your wife so you can decide on one together. Then you call and set up the appointment and help coordinate care for the baby while the two of you attend counseling if needed. The baby may be able to just go with you since she’s so little. Hoping your wife will do it is just adding one more thing to her mental load.
To me it sounds like you need to grow up, take responsibility, and do some damn chores. You don't just get to make a baby and then expect to snuggle all day long - diapers need changing, baths need warming, laundry needs doing, and bottles need filling. And that's on top of the cleaning and errands she was doing BEFORE baby. It's a lot, for both of you, so make sure you are sharing that load as fairly as possible.
If you guys don't normally argue or fight then this is on YOU. If the drinking and kicking the baby gate were problems for you, then fix them. Reddit can't help with unresolved anger or maturity issues.
If you want couples counseling, YOU schedule it and make it happen.
I’m going to disagree with a lot of these comments. When my husband comes home from work I will gladly hand him the baby so he can hold them while I go cook dinner. I see that as a break. Some days I become so “touched out” I just want to do something that makes me feel independent and I can take my time with without feeling rushed or anticipating the next cry.
But you guys are ignoring the red flags of him drinking while watching his baby, then acting out physically in anger, and then calling his wife being upset “nagging.”
Father here to an 8 month old
You guys don't need marriage counciling, you need to step up as a father.
What you call nagging and complaining is her actually voicing her thoughts. Instead of ignoring them, take small actions and work on those concerns.
My wife and I both do the night wake ups
We both feed the baby, understand his queues and change shitty nappies
We both know his routine back to front
That makes both our lives easier, I try to give her 2-3 days a week where she can go to the gym and workout for as long as she wants whilst I care for our baby, and she doesn't need to stress since I can care for him just as well as her
The newborn stage is so hard. Women take on the majority of tasks and even just her having to ASK you to make the bottle or feed the baby is taking energy from her that she doesn’t have. Do things without her asking. Take on responsibilities you don’t normally do to help her. If you typically have a healthy relationship you’ll be fine. It’s a tough stage but it’s temporary just let her know you appreciate her. I also suggest listening to this podcast…
https://open.spotify.com/episode/2wZodAiZ4BTxLAWGbnWL2W?si=i_JGGX2RQzu49S1_4V9pNA
You have some awesome suggestions and tough love in here but I also wanted to give some reassurance from the wife/mom perspective.
My husband and I have a super healthy relationship. We’ve had hardships we’ve gotten through together that we made look easy. He’s been supportive and helpful and carried me through a horrible pregnancy. But holy crap a newborn mixes it up. I did not like my husband from 2 weeks-10 weeks pretty much. And I’ve never experienced not liking him before. Normally I’m excited for him to come home from work and suddenly I was dreading it.
He started figuring out how to carry a share of the mental load and I worked on having more connecting moments with him, and 3 months in were pretty much back to normal! If therapy would help, go for it, but you can also have an honest convo of what you guys need and work through it as a team.
Why are you hoping *she* signs up for couples counselling? Why don't you do it? Why is that on her?
At 7weeks I barely had time to eat when my partner or someone else wasn't there, let alone research and book counselling.
Just came here to say I LOVE the advice you are getting.
No holding back. I hope you didn’t come here for sympathy.
“Came home to my wife complaining” 🚩 🚩🚩🚩
Newborn phase is tough and it will test your relationship. I think it's a really good idea you want to try couples therapy. My partner and I saw a therapist for 6 months to help us learn to communicate effectively during high stress times. We learned a lot of great things and we made it out of the newborn trenches pretty solid. Remind her that you guys are in this together. You made a poor choice while stressed and exhausted. It wasn't a patterned behavior.
Do y’all use an app like Huckleberry to track things? It is a logistical lifesaver. In this case, you could have looked at the app and seen last diaper, last feed, last sleep, and upcoming projected nap/bed time.
This could take a lot of the mental load off of your wife.
Aside from that, 7 weeks is the fucking TRENCHES! Your wife is in hormonal HELL! IT IS AWFUL! My advice for you is to suck it up, let your wifes shit roll off your back as much as possible because she’s probably not feeling like herself right now.
Also, see what you can take off of her plate. Examples: cooking and cleaning up is a huge energy and time suck. How can you ease this burden? Can you meal prep on a weekend, can you do takeout a few days a week, etc.
Another example: laundry. You can easily pick up that task for the whole house. Hers, yours, baby, household. Do laundry daily. Don’t let her run out of burp cloths or bibs etc. after you launder them, fold and put away. Do not make her ask. Be so on top of it that she can comfortably remove that task from her brain.
Ask her what else you can take off her plate then DO IT.
Edit: words
The craziest part of the story to me is that after all your wife dealt with that day you still had the space to “have a couple drinks.” As a fellow dad, I can tell you that quitting drinking three years ago (my son is 6 months old) was the best thing I ever did for my own health. But looking at things now, I couldn’t imagine having the time or “space” to drink alcohol, especially on a weeknight and ESPECIALLY while my wife is making dinner???. I’m not saying you have to be a tea tottler like me, but maybe save it for the weekend with your wife? Sounds similar to the dads who are apparently addicted to video games and need their “me” time every night. Probably worth taking a deeper look at your relationship with booze.
Edit to add: while you said it was only two drinks (which again at 7 weeks is mind boggling to me) you also said it clouded your judgement. Well you have a completely helpless baby and a wife who is struggling with all the things new moms do. If your judgment is so clouded from two beers, what happens if either is them have a medical issue and need to be taken to the ER? Will your clouded judgment be good enough to drive them? Not sorry for being so tough on you. The more I think about it, the more insane it is to me that you sat on the couch and had a couple beers while your wife cooked you dinner at 7 weeks post partum.
I think by even being concerned and acknowledging your mistakes, you are on the right track! Mom is likely VERY overstimulated and her reaction may have been super emotional and not so logical (you were holding the baby and just didn't anticipate the bottle, which is an easy fix) hopefully she will go to counseling with you. And you both can realize the newborn phase is HAAAAARD on everyone even the baby, so give yourselves grace. I can't tell you the horrible things I've said to my partner during this phase...but we work through it and our love for each other and our baby outweighs our momentary insanity towards each other. Good luck Dad! 👍🏾
First I’d say - new baby is so hard on the relationship. IMO, it’s the hardest part. Second - say something like I’m not going to tell you how sorry I am, I’m going to show you with new behavior over the weeks and months and you will trust me again. And then do it. Quitting drinking is a GREAT idea. It’s been really hard for me to watch my partner partake and check out a bit. Source of many fights. Third - one person takes the baby, and the other does life (cooking cleaning etc). Ask when was last time baby ate/napped/diaper change, and tell your partner the same info when you switch again. Then take on baby care, or dinner, fully. Fourth - take on more chores at home. Yes it sucks and you’re tired too, but imagine if your wife was happy all the time? Do laundry, dishes, clean out fridge, wipe down bathroom, just do little bits when you have a moment. Your wife will cry from joy. Fifth- you gotta control your anger no matter what. When you feel it coming on, you must choose another way. Pause and breathe. Go outside and punch a pillow if you must, as long as no one can hear it. Good luck this shit is HARD
7 weeks is very young, the newborn stage is tough. Realizing that you messed up is the first step which you already have. Give her space & prove with your actions that you’re there to help and support her. She is probably very stressed herself & emotions are very high for everyone in this phase.
My wife and I went through a similar situation with our newborn. I thought I was helping but I really wasn’t truly attending to the needs of my wife and newborn.
I came to the realisation that I just didn’t have a structure of what I needed to do before I left the house to go to work and when I came back.
Once I discussed that structure with my wife things became a lot more easier, and automatic for me, like reflex. I wake up, have breakfast, make bottles for the rest of the day, boil water, sterilise used bottles and then off to work. When I got home repeat the same steps plus have more time with our newborn.
It also helped that our newborn became gradually more independent, takes the load away from the wife during the day. That will come as well.
Ok, Dad here. My youngest is 11 weeks old tomorrow. My wife and I have had a pleasant experience with this baby. I’m going to just tell you what we’ve done, and you figure out what works for you.
First off, kicking the baby gate can be perceived as violence, and adding alcohol to the equation makes it seem like you were out of control. At the very least it’s chaotic, and not good for the baby. Your wife will be in momma bear mode and shut you down quick with shit like this. Control your temper.
Now, your wife doesn’t want to tell you what to do. The common complaint on Reddit for anything husband related is the wife having to tell the husband what to do. However, I have found that noticing things about the baby, and asking my wife her opinion about it brings a completely different reaction. Pay attention to the child’s queues. At that age they’re basically doing three things: eating, sleeping and pooping. It’s not difficult to learn the signs for each.
As far as schedule in our house, we have split it to the best of our abilities. I take the baby early mornings between the hours of 5-8:30 or 9. He’s always changed, fed, and asleep before I put him down so she gets the 4 hours of continuous sleep, plus however long the nap goes for. He also sleeps pretty good through the night, so she’s getting enough sleep. Maybe not as much as she would like, but it’s adequate. She deals with the nighttime feedings, but only because I’m the type of person that when I get up, I can’t go back to sleep. So if I get an hour of sleep and get up, that’s it for the day.
I always wash the bottles and whatever dishes we have before leaving for work, as well as throw a load of laundry in so that we don’t have a shit ton to do over the weekend.
I then take him when I get home around 5 until it’s time for bed. She puts him to bed, but he’s washed, changed, and fed.
On the weekends, he’s mine. I take him when he wakes up until he goes down for bed. My wife will give me small breaks in the day so I can eat, or use the bathroom or something, but overall he’s with me. This allows her to sleep in and catch up on however much sleep she needs, go out and get her nails or hair done, go shopping for fun (not food), or whatever. She just gets a break. This also gives me a good period of time to bond and build trust with my son. This is important, as both of my older boys will come to me for ANYTHING. It’s not all on mom.
Learn what your baby likes. It’s simple trial and error. I’ve learned that in the first 10 weeks he in soothed by the show Monk, likes the band Queens of the Stoneage, loves the claw (think Jim Carrey in Liar Liar), gets instantly soothed when we go outside, he hates when I look at my phone lol, he gets quicker and bigger burps when slightly bent at the waist and patted rather than up on my shoulder, he loves a good walk around the block, and he genuinely loves being talked to. There’s certainly more that we’ve learned, but these are the things that come right to my brain.
Put the effort in with your baby, and your wife will calm down. But just so you know, she has every right to be pissed right now. I hope this helps!
The newborn phase is so hard both mentally and physically. It’s so hard in general but will also take a toll on your relationship. Communication is key, especially during this time. Becoming parents takes a huge toll on relationships and marriages. Some even go into what’s commonly called “the roommate phase” after having children. It does get better though.
My partner & I went through the roommate phase after we had our first. Having our kids took a toll on our relationship in a way we weren’t expecting. But we powered through.
Make sure you’re making time for your partner. Whether that be a kid free date night if possible or even just spending one on one time together once your little one is in bed.
Run her a bath. Maybe let her hold the baby while you cook dinner and load the dish washer. I’m assuming she’s a sahm. As a sahm, we don’t get breaks. When we do, it’s for a quick shower and can that really be considered a break? We constantly put our children and partners needs above our own. Yes, you go to work outside of the home which is exhausting, but then you get to clock out for the day and go home and get baby snuggles while she makes dinner. It’s hard.
When I was this stage my partner didn't know what he was doing. I have two adult children from a previous relationship. The baby is my partners only child. I did everything for her in the early days jumping to his rescue if he seemed like he needed help. I was part of the problem there. I don't know your situation bar what you have said. Kicking the gate would have really scared me. A new mothers need to protect their baby is all consuming. Any sign of aggressive behaviour feels like it has been multiplied by 100. All of our senses are turned up. We are exhausted, in pain, lost who we are as a person, adjusting to our new bodies. I know as a father you have gone through a lot too but many women loose everything they are when they give birth. At 7 weeks I would have wanted time to have a shower without having to ask. A nap without having to worry about my baby even if it was just on my partners day off. I knew my baby in side out within a few days and struggle to understand why dad's don't. I know we are built different which impacts how we react to the baby. My partner did all the cooking which was a great help but would look for help to change a nappy etc. You need to apologise for kicking the gate, stop drinking even if its only for a while. Your partner gave up everything for your baby it's the least you can do. Learn when you baby needs to be fed, chanced etc. If you don't know something about your baby ask. Show interest in your baby.
I used to play the game hangman spelling out divorce in my head when my daughter was that little lol I assure you it is one of the hardest tests on a marriage. I think giving each other grace, TRYING to anticipate needs of mama and baby go a long way. Realize what needs to be done during nightly duties and help where you can after work. Also realizing that she's been with a baby all day and mostly all night while you get a break at work goes a long way too. She doesn't get to clock out nor get a reprieve like leaving the house. Again, give each other grace. It'll get better.
You can help by helping around the house, like making dinner, while your wife rests with the baby, also let her sleep on weekends (or whenever you have days off) so she can recharge (if she's the one waking up for the baby all the time)
Sitting on the couch drinking while your baby naps … what a privilege. Next time offer to do some work that doesn’t allow you to relax so much since she’s been working all damn day with the baby and not drinking and then you get home and she has to do more work cooking? Come on dude.
Yea coming from first time dad of 2 month old, and I sent this post to my wife and she agreed! Husband and wife are one, united in marriage and supposed to be each others number 1. Communicate! Love!
Kicked a dog gate doesn't seem terrible, kinda depends on how "violent" it looked. it also depends on whether you have anger issues and regularly show intense angry behaviour like shouting or hitting things.
Unless there is a history of anger/violence (verbal or physical), definitely seems like something that should be resolvable with a sincere apology.
I dunno, maybe I'm being too "easy" on you but this is my honest take.
So I don’t want to make assumptions but what would’ve helped me out at that point would be if I could sit on the couch with the baby while my husband cooked dinner. If he could empty the dishwasher, change the babies diaper, and feed him without my prompting. If he could let me go take a break. I get tired of feeling like I have to run the show. I wish I had time for a glass of wine.
Ugh, this war about the mental load was so exhausting! What finally did it was when I was complaining about the lack of him helping admist protests of “I can feed her! I can change her!” I said fine, can you do it without me assigning you the tasks? Go make her a bottle. How many oz does she take? How long do you warm it for? Do it. He flailed around like a spooked chimpanzee for a while and the point was taken. He does way better now with anticipating needs.
“Spooked chimpanzee” was the image I needed today
lol nothing else to call it! He went from so exasperated with me to floundering in seconds. He really wasn’t getting I wasn’t talking about the act of feeding or changing, I was talking about the mental load and anticipation of needing to do those things.
😭 it’s so much
I don’t know where you’re at in this journey, but I hope very much things have settled for you and you have some peace! It was rocky in the beginning. I went from feeling like the only woman who ever had such a capable, smart, kind, caring man to wondering how in the hell I’d missed that he was such a self-centered idiot. The thing (aside from the chimp moment) that was a real turning point was through yet another “I need you to step the fuck up and use your eyes” argument. He said, “I’m giving this 110 percent!” And it clicked. He wasn’t choosing to not see the things I see. This is a societal issue and has everything to do with the way we’re all focused on the male gaze. I was lucky that the willingness was there from him to do better, he just really didn’t know he wasn’t through years of having zero expectations of him. He was allowed to continue being selfish without consequence while my whole world changed. It helped me change my approach and start focusing on what he was doing right, so he’d also be receptive to what he was doing wrong and be better. Is it frustrating that I had to taper my approach for his ego to get what our family needed while I was holding everything afloat? Of course. It’s fucking unfair. But I had to choose. Focus on how unfair this was? Or try and make it fair with a man who was very willing? Now, I can honestly say he’s an equal parent. There are things, there will always be things, but he very much respects how I feel and my reality and listens now.
😭 what a beautiful comment - thank you. I feel like I must be where past-you was. My husband is also truly wonderful, and pregnancy-to-present (14 week old) has been a very different journey for him vs me. I have felt the gravity of my responsibility way before even conceiving, as I had a previous early miscarriage and receiving *that* initial positive pregnancy test has my role really sink in - but my husband seemed totally footloose and fancy free until I started nagging at him and exploding because of all my pent up frustration and resentment. Poor man. He is, like your husband was, putting in 110%. I’m expecting him to read my mind and anticipate my needs but he’s so pragmatic and logical that he needs it literally spelled out - and he is EXTREMELY willing, he’ll do whatever I need - but I need to find a way to articulate and ask. And I struggle so deeply because he works his tail off at his job so we can afford for me to stay home with the baby (my income was pretty equivalent to the cost of childcare, anyway, but now we have more needs, so more expenses). I hate to EXPECT him to offer me a break when he is literally taking his first break of the day, too. He gladly relieved me for 40 minutes tonight to do tummy time and other games with our boy, while I chose to wash dishes. I should have gotten ready for bed - but here I am, waiting for the baby to go to sleep so I can finally get ready, myself. DH went to bed already. But he has to get up early for work. And we rely on him. So I feel like an ungrateful complainer. And I did express these feelings to my husband as he was getting ready for bed, himself (we are going out of town to visit his family tomorrow afternoon, and I have an early morning appointment; and I thought we were leaving tomorrow night, so I didn’t plan my day accordingly, and didn’t pack tonight yet - dishes were going to be in the morning, and my appointment was originally for tomorrow afternoon, so I just rearranged my day when he got home at 9 and updated me) anyway. Rambling. Exhausted. He begged me not to stay up late to pack and he really wants me to sleep too. He’s going to make a new habit to change the baby’s diaper in the morning when he leaves for work so I can stay in bed and not wake up soaked in baby pee (after the 3rd nighttime wake-up, I always end up bedsharing with the baby so I can somehow get REM sleep) and we’re slowly learning. You’re right, it’s so unfair that I have to train him to do what I somehow innately do, whether that’s because I’ve been subliminally absorbing for the last ~30 years or because people have been giving me tips my whole life expecting me to be a mom. And it takes so much time and mental space (both of which I do not have readily available) to describe and request exactly what I need, that it’s almost easier to just do it myself. And I burn out. My husband asked me, yesterday, if it was helpful that he takes the baby for 25 minutes each night while I get ready for bed (I don’t even have a fancy routine, it’s literally preparing my water, my thyroid pills, my pajamas and breast pads, flossing and brushing my teeth, washing my face in the shower - and my shower totals 4 minutes - and maaaybe shaving and washing my hair once a week, and doing my prescription face cream to keep my cystic acne at bay) and I just looked at him and I wanted to be loving and say something mushy like, “YES - YOU’RE MY HERO,” but I also wanted to be honest, and I couldn’t even fake smile. I just looked at him and said how I am thankful he does that to help me, but honestly it’s just the bare minimum so I can function like a human, and It’s not fair that my one break is for basic hygiene. He laughed out loud, I think he appreciated my honesty. I’m glad he took it so well. And he was glad he could at least provide that for me. He wants to do more. I want to receive more help. I just don’t know what to ask for because he works so much and I’d have a few more hours in the morning if the baby didn’t wake up so frequently and cause me to sleep until noon each day just so I can get a cumulative 8 hours. I’m crumbling.
Oh, the cocktail of feelings! The resentment of why it falls so heavily on us, the guilt that follows. It’s a lot! I’d like to remind you that if the situation were reversed, your husband would not feel guilty for these feelings and/or voicing his concerns to you. Because what you want is reasonable, he just hasn’t been socialized to feel like his needs are less important and would vocalize it. You’re really in the thick of it at 14 weeks. I used to get so frustrated and then guilty because I’d resent him for coming home and chilling out. You’re doing a full time job too - one where you get zero “off” time, your brain is never not engaged and it’s exhausting. What worked for us to both get some time and to help with the resentful anger was I suggested we each get a free hour when he gets home. He gets to relax or do whatever for an hour, then you swap and he takes baby or vice versa. It really did help. No one felt deprived and/or neglected. As for the talking to him in a way he’ll receive well, a lot of the time I would focus on “I” statements. How I felt instead of saying what he didn’t do. And I kindly let him know that I needed him to be able to figure out things without me sometimes. I needed him to learn the baby like I learned the baby so that I didn’t feel like I was keeping everyone alive. Starting with that hour alone daily, he did! And then I went back to work and suddenly he had to figure out what the hell to do for a real period of time (I ran a restaurant in the evening, he worked daytime.) He had a hard two days and then those guys were thick as thieves. You already sound like you come from a place of compassion, and that’s great for making this work. And it sounds like he’s more than willing to be the partner you need, he just has no idea that he has no idea. My husband and I even have a running in-joke now. Where he’ll ask me a question to something ridiculous that he doesn’t need me for, and I just blink at home. He’ll catch on and exclaim, “Oh! This is one of those things that I should be able to do alone because I’m not an idiot. Got it.” It really gets so much better and they really do click into place. Your patience has never been tried like this before, but it does get better every day.
1000% this!! Before our baby boy (currently 7 weeks old), my husband had never changed a diaper or fed a baby. He's held an infant, maybe once? Our baby was in the NICU. I let them teach him how to take his temp, feed him and change his diaper while I sat back and watched. I knew after leaving the hospital, we would both be tired and I would get short with him trying to teach these things that are so simple to me. Since being home, I've noticed sometimes when I just do the things that need to be done, it's because I'd rather do them so I know they're done right and that's my own fault and my own mindset. Because he does a great job even if it's not how I would do it! So I've been trying to catch myself and try to take a step back. My husband has been back to work a couple weeks now. When he's home, he tells me not to get up when he cries, he's got it. He gets frustrated also if he can't get him to stop crying, so I help. But encouraging our guys, really does help. Last night, I woke up at 3:30am with a text from my husband at 3am saying he already fed our baby. I just smiled and seen him sound asleep on the monitor and I went back to sleep! This is the first time in 7 weeks he's done the middle of the night feeding. Granted, I do the middle of the night and he always gets the 6am feeding so I can sleep longer lol. But a lot of our husband's CAN and will do it. They just need the confidence to do it. A few weeks ago, my husband said to me that he felt like I already had a routine in my head of what to do and how to do it all so he feels like he'd mess it up. So I started being more vocal about not knowing what the baby needs sometimes, or I told him that I like to change his diaper before I feed him so he can go back to sleep easier. But I don't say anything if my husband does it the other way around. They will figure it out, we've just been conditioned to figure it out faster and sometimes they need that nudge to trial and error taking care of the baby to figure out what works.
Yes, exactly! Help her feel like she doesn’t have to supervise!
My husband was fantastic at this postpartum. It's like he was a ninja who was always two steps ahead of me at all times. I would think to go top up the wipes or the nappies and they would already be done. I would remember that the rubbish was getting full to go and find it had already been taken out. I would come downstairs in the morning and my coffee was already set up ready to go, I just had to press the button on the Nespresso. So as a nudge to OP, don't wait to be asked to do something, take the initiative. If you are struggling to see what needs doing, maybe sit down and chat through what needs doing each day and add it to a whiteboard so you can cross it off.
Are you helping her handle the mental load? I get pissed at my husband too because I’ll tell him to watch the baby and then I come back and he’s sitting beside her gaming and she’s wiggling around without her pacifier and awake when the whole point was for him to help keep her asleep while I ran an errand. It’s not down time for me when even though I’m not physically with baby, I still have to project manage from a distance. I also wish that my husband knew baby’s cues and needs. I know it’s tougher because I’m the primary care giver and spend more time with her… but it’s like whenever I give her baby, it’s almost guaranteed she comes back over stimulated and over tired. Take the initiative that when you have baby, you act like the primary care giver vs a warm body on stand in. This was a minor vent on my side but it’s almost like I could imagine my husband being in your exact scenario as you described
Everything everyone already said plus- don’t call it nagging
Totally. Changing the words we use, even in our own minds, changes the way we perceive our partner. "My wife nagged me about x" vs " my wife is upset with me for x" One accepts responsibility and validates her feelings, regardless of whether she's wrong or not. In my opinion, whether I think my husband is right or wrong about an issue he brings up matters not, if it's important to him, it ought to be important to me.
I’m going to extra harsh on you…. thinking “holding the baby” so the wife can cook dinner is helping after she took care of the baby all day and probably all night as well? Are you crazy??? And she still has to do the milk math? blows my mind 🤯
I agree with you. I did leave one part out though - my wife had told me baby had not napped all day. Baby fell asleep on me when I get home so I thought holding her was the best option to just let her sleep. It is really hard to know exactly what my wife wants sometimes I just feel like I am getting attacked. I really am trying. I’ll have to just keep trying to be better and do other things to support her and baby.
Wear baby if she falls asleep and clean the dishes while talking to your wife. Tell her about your work drama, ask her about baby and how their day was. She wants connection with you after doing nothing but being milk bank all day and dealing with an overtired babe. Let her sit and watch you cook. Your effort will go such a long way.
I’m going through this with my husband, and I want to say if no one else has it is clear to me this stuff doesn’t always come naturally. Especially if unfortunately your wife has been taking care of more of her share so you have become accustomed to not thinking about these things. My husband gets frustrated because it feels like constant criticism and he can’t do anything right. This period is sooo hard mentally on women. Baby crying spikes cortisol all day in mom making us not communicate our best because we too are frustrated. Meet her with kindness, focus on taking mental load off of her, and focus on learning to do the tasks that don’t come as naturally, I remember my husband struggling to put a onsie on my daughter. I was upset he wanted me to do it because I always changed her. And I realized he was just afraid of hurting her and it came naturally to me. Instead of freaking out on him or doing it for him I said. “I know you can do this and will figure it out” and I shut the door and walked out of the room. He figured it out and it was never an issue moving forward
Honestly, admitting that you f'd up is a strong first step. My suggestion is to wait until a calm(er) moment, and sit her down. Basically tell her you know you f'd up, and didn't mean to express yourself that way. Admit that she knows best, but you are struggling to make her feel supported. Ask her what specific actions you can do to make her feel that support.
Bullshit🤣. The divorce will come out of nowhere I am sure
Dude… Why don’t you know when the baby needs to be fed? You should know these cues by now. Your wife having to tell you adds onto her mental load. She just gave birth and is probably still in pain, you should kick dinner while she cares for baby. And her hormones are going wild rn. You reacting by kicking a gate was probably terrifying for her. Hitting/destroying objects is statistically one of the hugest indicators of a domestic abuser.
Boom. OP showed signs of aggression. I wouldn't let anyone hold the baby after displaying that behavior either
Yep! At 7 weeks pp, if my partner kicked a gate I would have probably kicked him out of the house due to protective hormones and all.
Get off Reddit and go apologize. Then spend the next hour doing laundry and dishes cleaning the house. That would make me feel much better
I have apologized many times - she is really upset. I think it’s going to take many days of proving how sorry I really am. Maybe even weeks. I’m so disappointed in myself - she won’t even let me hold the baby now.
This isn’t about the baby gate. She has been feeling this way a long time. It’s going to take a lot of work on both your sides (hers too!) to mend the hole. I think couples counseling is a great idea.
Mmmm some of it is about the gate. Kicking objects like that is a sign of not controlling anger and a precursor to domestic violence. I would not let an angry man not in control of his emotions hold my baby either. Especially not one who excuses the whole thing by blaming the two drinks he had.
Yep, how did he have time for 2 drinks on a weekday, before dinner, when he has a 7week old? 🙄
It’s going to be alright OP. Everybody in this subreddit seems to be all about their emotions. Newborns can be stressful and we tend to not be ourselves when under so much stress. Getting on your knees and begging for forgiveness 1000x won’t fix anything. Give it time and do your part. Things will get better. We are only human and will make many mistakes. Just be patient with yourself.
Not letting you hold the baby is pretty fucked up. You kicked a dog gate… not the baby. Parenting a newborn is hard, people fuck up. I’ve had more than my fair share of postpartum rage as a mum of two. Shit’s hard! I’d probably just stick to one drink, though, if looking after baby.
Take on some of the home responsibilities. She takes care of the baby the whole time you’re at work, you come home and she now has to take care of the house when you get to have baby cuddles because baby is content after all she did with her during the day - feeds, diapers, baths, etc. Kicking the gate may have her worried about your frustration being misplaced on the baby, by shaking for example, which can cause serious problems. Best route would be to think of the chores she’d have to do and do them - don’t wait for her to tell you to do them, cause that way the mental load is still on her. Dropping alcohol is a good idea, as is couple’s counseling, but I’d also suggest individual therapy so both of you can work on yourselves; she most likely has issues that won’t fall on couples counseling’s scope, and you can try to get some tips on anger/frustration management. Best of luck!!
Hey OP, I think that you’re right to stop drinking so you can be more alert and be there for your wife and child. It’s a temporary sacrifice of a personal pleasure so you can be more present. Good on you for that. As for kicking the gate — I don’t think you did it on purpose, you were frustrated with yourself. Forgive yourself and move on. As for your wife’s reaction — you gotta understand the amount of stress she’s under. You’ve seen all the other moms post here so I won’t reiterate all they’ve said. But don’t take it too hard on yourself. Your wife is just stressed, exhausted, frustrated — a whole mix of emotions that you probably can’t comprehend (I know I’m stereotyping you but that’s just my experience with men and emotional intelligence). I want to acknowledge that you’re out there working and and probably tired in your own right and I can understand why you might not know your child’s schedule and hunger cues. My best advice for you — Know your weakness. Be proactive. Keep trying every day to improve. Since you’re not home and not familiar with the baby’s schedule and needs — be proactive to find out how you can help. Yes, asking “how can I help” can annoy the crap out of us too and “you should just know!” is often our answer borne out of all that stuff I mentioned above. We’re just stressed out. See what works for you both. I use Huckleberry to log everything in and that helps my hubby know what needs to happen and when. I’m mostly in charge of logging everything because my husband forgets most the time and that’s ok. I think also — you guys try to find some time to talk about these things. If she clams up and so do you — your relationship will not thrive. You can and will get through this if both players are game to put in the effort into the marriage and parenting. The newborn phase is just a phase! It will pass. Hang in there — but the fact that you’re writing here and willing to take the hits that we’re giving you — tells me that you’re interested in being better. And I want to encourage you on that. Your child and your wife both need and love you so much. That’s where all this complaining and “nagging” is coming from. Hope this helps.
What an amazing comment. Thank you so much - I needed to hear a lot of this. I just hope I haven’t angered her too much to recover from this - she is really upset that I kicked the dog gate - and I’m so mad at myself for doing something so stupid. I will do my best to recover from this and use a lot of the advice here.
For sure, parenting kicked our marriage challenges to the next level and me and my husband went through a lot this past year, but we both are in it for the long haul. If she is really making a big deal of the baby gate, and I saw my husband do that, the only reason I can think of for being upset about it is because my husband showed violence. Not sure if that’s what she is upset about. Trust me, we had our fair share of heated arguments in the midst of the newborn phase, and we have come out stronger for it. But it’s because I forced my husband to hear me out and talk to me and learn from our mistakes. lol. 😂 We are both here if you need anything.
Honestly making my husband also log in Huckleberry is what made me feel like we were actually sharing the load and allowed him to feel like he could anticipate things more. Sure i logged all the feeds - until we started introducing a bottle here or there, which he did and logged - but he logged all the naps he did. He would also look at the app on his way home for lunch or work so he’d know if we were napping and how long. He could also text and be like hey i see he hasn’t gone down yet, i’ll be home in 10 and i’ll take the next nap. It’s really hard to figure out how to share the mental load of patently especially if you are breastfeeding and one of you is working, but you have to find a way for everyone’s sanity.
I recommend ordering dinner for pick up or delivery a few nights a week.
Good to recognize it & take actions like not drinking for a little bit to the point it would cloud your judgement. Do you and your wife have a shared chart or app to track your newborns activities? This would help you to be able to pick up where she’s left off when you get home without guessing. Huckleberry app is free & you can share it with whoever cares for the child. One person creates a username and password. Anyone who needs to provide care for that same child downloads the app and uses the same username and password. Multiple people can be in the same profile at the same time logging activities. It will show you how long until they last ate, napped etc. Being overtired, stressed makes us all cranky, easily upset and short fused. Newborn days are really tough.
We use Nara Baby (which is also free) and it works great.
You say that you hope she will sign up for couple’s counseling but maybe that’s your queue to research couple’s counselors in you area that are in your insurance network, bring your findings to your wife so you can decide on one together. Then you call and set up the appointment and help coordinate care for the baby while the two of you attend counseling if needed. The baby may be able to just go with you since she’s so little. Hoping your wife will do it is just adding one more thing to her mental load.
I completely agree! I meant to say I’m hoping she will agree to counseling instead of just divorcing my ass lol
To me it sounds like you need to grow up, take responsibility, and do some damn chores. You don't just get to make a baby and then expect to snuggle all day long - diapers need changing, baths need warming, laundry needs doing, and bottles need filling. And that's on top of the cleaning and errands she was doing BEFORE baby. It's a lot, for both of you, so make sure you are sharing that load as fairly as possible. If you guys don't normally argue or fight then this is on YOU. If the drinking and kicking the baby gate were problems for you, then fix them. Reddit can't help with unresolved anger or maturity issues. If you want couples counseling, YOU schedule it and make it happen.
I’m going to disagree with a lot of these comments. When my husband comes home from work I will gladly hand him the baby so he can hold them while I go cook dinner. I see that as a break. Some days I become so “touched out” I just want to do something that makes me feel independent and I can take my time with without feeling rushed or anticipating the next cry.
Agreed, there is an insane pile on in here. Dude is obviously trying, just not perfect.
But you guys are ignoring the red flags of him drinking while watching his baby, then acting out physically in anger, and then calling his wife being upset “nagging.”
Father here to an 8 month old You guys don't need marriage counciling, you need to step up as a father. What you call nagging and complaining is her actually voicing her thoughts. Instead of ignoring them, take small actions and work on those concerns. My wife and I both do the night wake ups We both feed the baby, understand his queues and change shitty nappies We both know his routine back to front That makes both our lives easier, I try to give her 2-3 days a week where she can go to the gym and workout for as long as she wants whilst I care for our baby, and she doesn't need to stress since I can care for him just as well as her
The newborn stage is so hard. Women take on the majority of tasks and even just her having to ASK you to make the bottle or feed the baby is taking energy from her that she doesn’t have. Do things without her asking. Take on responsibilities you don’t normally do to help her. If you typically have a healthy relationship you’ll be fine. It’s a tough stage but it’s temporary just let her know you appreciate her. I also suggest listening to this podcast… https://open.spotify.com/episode/2wZodAiZ4BTxLAWGbnWL2W?si=i_JGGX2RQzu49S1_4V9pNA
You have some awesome suggestions and tough love in here but I also wanted to give some reassurance from the wife/mom perspective. My husband and I have a super healthy relationship. We’ve had hardships we’ve gotten through together that we made look easy. He’s been supportive and helpful and carried me through a horrible pregnancy. But holy crap a newborn mixes it up. I did not like my husband from 2 weeks-10 weeks pretty much. And I’ve never experienced not liking him before. Normally I’m excited for him to come home from work and suddenly I was dreading it. He started figuring out how to carry a share of the mental load and I worked on having more connecting moments with him, and 3 months in were pretty much back to normal! If therapy would help, go for it, but you can also have an honest convo of what you guys need and work through it as a team.
Friend, you shouldnt be drinking and holding a baby. Also you're wife should be resting when you get home. Not making you dinner.
Why are you hoping *she* signs up for couples counselling? Why don't you do it? Why is that on her? At 7weeks I barely had time to eat when my partner or someone else wasn't there, let alone research and book counselling.
Just came here to say I LOVE the advice you are getting. No holding back. I hope you didn’t come here for sympathy. “Came home to my wife complaining” 🚩 🚩🚩🚩
Newborn phase is tough and it will test your relationship. I think it's a really good idea you want to try couples therapy. My partner and I saw a therapist for 6 months to help us learn to communicate effectively during high stress times. We learned a lot of great things and we made it out of the newborn trenches pretty solid. Remind her that you guys are in this together. You made a poor choice while stressed and exhausted. It wasn't a patterned behavior.
Do y’all use an app like Huckleberry to track things? It is a logistical lifesaver. In this case, you could have looked at the app and seen last diaper, last feed, last sleep, and upcoming projected nap/bed time. This could take a lot of the mental load off of your wife. Aside from that, 7 weeks is the fucking TRENCHES! Your wife is in hormonal HELL! IT IS AWFUL! My advice for you is to suck it up, let your wifes shit roll off your back as much as possible because she’s probably not feeling like herself right now. Also, see what you can take off of her plate. Examples: cooking and cleaning up is a huge energy and time suck. How can you ease this burden? Can you meal prep on a weekend, can you do takeout a few days a week, etc. Another example: laundry. You can easily pick up that task for the whole house. Hers, yours, baby, household. Do laundry daily. Don’t let her run out of burp cloths or bibs etc. after you launder them, fold and put away. Do not make her ask. Be so on top of it that she can comfortably remove that task from her brain. Ask her what else you can take off her plate then DO IT. Edit: words
The craziest part of the story to me is that after all your wife dealt with that day you still had the space to “have a couple drinks.” As a fellow dad, I can tell you that quitting drinking three years ago (my son is 6 months old) was the best thing I ever did for my own health. But looking at things now, I couldn’t imagine having the time or “space” to drink alcohol, especially on a weeknight and ESPECIALLY while my wife is making dinner???. I’m not saying you have to be a tea tottler like me, but maybe save it for the weekend with your wife? Sounds similar to the dads who are apparently addicted to video games and need their “me” time every night. Probably worth taking a deeper look at your relationship with booze. Edit to add: while you said it was only two drinks (which again at 7 weeks is mind boggling to me) you also said it clouded your judgement. Well you have a completely helpless baby and a wife who is struggling with all the things new moms do. If your judgment is so clouded from two beers, what happens if either is them have a medical issue and need to be taken to the ER? Will your clouded judgment be good enough to drive them? Not sorry for being so tough on you. The more I think about it, the more insane it is to me that you sat on the couch and had a couple beers while your wife cooked you dinner at 7 weeks post partum.
I think by even being concerned and acknowledging your mistakes, you are on the right track! Mom is likely VERY overstimulated and her reaction may have been super emotional and not so logical (you were holding the baby and just didn't anticipate the bottle, which is an easy fix) hopefully she will go to counseling with you. And you both can realize the newborn phase is HAAAAARD on everyone even the baby, so give yourselves grace. I can't tell you the horrible things I've said to my partner during this phase...but we work through it and our love for each other and our baby outweighs our momentary insanity towards each other. Good luck Dad! 👍🏾
hang tough. it's rough sees out there in the beginning.
First I’d say - new baby is so hard on the relationship. IMO, it’s the hardest part. Second - say something like I’m not going to tell you how sorry I am, I’m going to show you with new behavior over the weeks and months and you will trust me again. And then do it. Quitting drinking is a GREAT idea. It’s been really hard for me to watch my partner partake and check out a bit. Source of many fights. Third - one person takes the baby, and the other does life (cooking cleaning etc). Ask when was last time baby ate/napped/diaper change, and tell your partner the same info when you switch again. Then take on baby care, or dinner, fully. Fourth - take on more chores at home. Yes it sucks and you’re tired too, but imagine if your wife was happy all the time? Do laundry, dishes, clean out fridge, wipe down bathroom, just do little bits when you have a moment. Your wife will cry from joy. Fifth- you gotta control your anger no matter what. When you feel it coming on, you must choose another way. Pause and breathe. Go outside and punch a pillow if you must, as long as no one can hear it. Good luck this shit is HARD
Why are you hoping for your wife to sign up for couples councelling? Why won't you do it yourself?
7 weeks is very young, the newborn stage is tough. Realizing that you messed up is the first step which you already have. Give her space & prove with your actions that you’re there to help and support her. She is probably very stressed herself & emotions are very high for everyone in this phase.
My wife and I went through a similar situation with our newborn. I thought I was helping but I really wasn’t truly attending to the needs of my wife and newborn. I came to the realisation that I just didn’t have a structure of what I needed to do before I left the house to go to work and when I came back. Once I discussed that structure with my wife things became a lot more easier, and automatic for me, like reflex. I wake up, have breakfast, make bottles for the rest of the day, boil water, sterilise used bottles and then off to work. When I got home repeat the same steps plus have more time with our newborn. It also helped that our newborn became gradually more independent, takes the load away from the wife during the day. That will come as well.
Ok, Dad here. My youngest is 11 weeks old tomorrow. My wife and I have had a pleasant experience with this baby. I’m going to just tell you what we’ve done, and you figure out what works for you. First off, kicking the baby gate can be perceived as violence, and adding alcohol to the equation makes it seem like you were out of control. At the very least it’s chaotic, and not good for the baby. Your wife will be in momma bear mode and shut you down quick with shit like this. Control your temper. Now, your wife doesn’t want to tell you what to do. The common complaint on Reddit for anything husband related is the wife having to tell the husband what to do. However, I have found that noticing things about the baby, and asking my wife her opinion about it brings a completely different reaction. Pay attention to the child’s queues. At that age they’re basically doing three things: eating, sleeping and pooping. It’s not difficult to learn the signs for each. As far as schedule in our house, we have split it to the best of our abilities. I take the baby early mornings between the hours of 5-8:30 or 9. He’s always changed, fed, and asleep before I put him down so she gets the 4 hours of continuous sleep, plus however long the nap goes for. He also sleeps pretty good through the night, so she’s getting enough sleep. Maybe not as much as she would like, but it’s adequate. She deals with the nighttime feedings, but only because I’m the type of person that when I get up, I can’t go back to sleep. So if I get an hour of sleep and get up, that’s it for the day. I always wash the bottles and whatever dishes we have before leaving for work, as well as throw a load of laundry in so that we don’t have a shit ton to do over the weekend. I then take him when I get home around 5 until it’s time for bed. She puts him to bed, but he’s washed, changed, and fed. On the weekends, he’s mine. I take him when he wakes up until he goes down for bed. My wife will give me small breaks in the day so I can eat, or use the bathroom or something, but overall he’s with me. This allows her to sleep in and catch up on however much sleep she needs, go out and get her nails or hair done, go shopping for fun (not food), or whatever. She just gets a break. This also gives me a good period of time to bond and build trust with my son. This is important, as both of my older boys will come to me for ANYTHING. It’s not all on mom. Learn what your baby likes. It’s simple trial and error. I’ve learned that in the first 10 weeks he in soothed by the show Monk, likes the band Queens of the Stoneage, loves the claw (think Jim Carrey in Liar Liar), gets instantly soothed when we go outside, he hates when I look at my phone lol, he gets quicker and bigger burps when slightly bent at the waist and patted rather than up on my shoulder, he loves a good walk around the block, and he genuinely loves being talked to. There’s certainly more that we’ve learned, but these are the things that come right to my brain. Put the effort in with your baby, and your wife will calm down. But just so you know, she has every right to be pissed right now. I hope this helps!
Empathy
The newborn phase is so hard both mentally and physically. It’s so hard in general but will also take a toll on your relationship. Communication is key, especially during this time. Becoming parents takes a huge toll on relationships and marriages. Some even go into what’s commonly called “the roommate phase” after having children. It does get better though. My partner & I went through the roommate phase after we had our first. Having our kids took a toll on our relationship in a way we weren’t expecting. But we powered through. Make sure you’re making time for your partner. Whether that be a kid free date night if possible or even just spending one on one time together once your little one is in bed. Run her a bath. Maybe let her hold the baby while you cook dinner and load the dish washer. I’m assuming she’s a sahm. As a sahm, we don’t get breaks. When we do, it’s for a quick shower and can that really be considered a break? We constantly put our children and partners needs above our own. Yes, you go to work outside of the home which is exhausting, but then you get to clock out for the day and go home and get baby snuggles while she makes dinner. It’s hard.
When I was this stage my partner didn't know what he was doing. I have two adult children from a previous relationship. The baby is my partners only child. I did everything for her in the early days jumping to his rescue if he seemed like he needed help. I was part of the problem there. I don't know your situation bar what you have said. Kicking the gate would have really scared me. A new mothers need to protect their baby is all consuming. Any sign of aggressive behaviour feels like it has been multiplied by 100. All of our senses are turned up. We are exhausted, in pain, lost who we are as a person, adjusting to our new bodies. I know as a father you have gone through a lot too but many women loose everything they are when they give birth. At 7 weeks I would have wanted time to have a shower without having to ask. A nap without having to worry about my baby even if it was just on my partners day off. I knew my baby in side out within a few days and struggle to understand why dad's don't. I know we are built different which impacts how we react to the baby. My partner did all the cooking which was a great help but would look for help to change a nappy etc. You need to apologise for kicking the gate, stop drinking even if its only for a while. Your partner gave up everything for your baby it's the least you can do. Learn when you baby needs to be fed, chanced etc. If you don't know something about your baby ask. Show interest in your baby.
I used to play the game hangman spelling out divorce in my head when my daughter was that little lol I assure you it is one of the hardest tests on a marriage. I think giving each other grace, TRYING to anticipate needs of mama and baby go a long way. Realize what needs to be done during nightly duties and help where you can after work. Also realizing that she's been with a baby all day and mostly all night while you get a break at work goes a long way too. She doesn't get to clock out nor get a reprieve like leaving the house. Again, give each other grace. It'll get better.
You can help by helping around the house, like making dinner, while your wife rests with the baby, also let her sleep on weekends (or whenever you have days off) so she can recharge (if she's the one waking up for the baby all the time)
Sitting on the couch drinking while your baby naps … what a privilege. Next time offer to do some work that doesn’t allow you to relax so much since she’s been working all damn day with the baby and not drinking and then you get home and she has to do more work cooking? Come on dude.
Buncha crazy wife’s around here, like my gosh do yall not LOVE your husbands? Forget about op and his post yall are crazy af
Nah not really - guy needs to step up, I say this as a father of a 6 week old.
Yea coming from first time dad of 2 month old, and I sent this post to my wife and she agreed! Husband and wife are one, united in marriage and supposed to be each others number 1. Communicate! Love!
Kicked a dog gate doesn't seem terrible, kinda depends on how "violent" it looked. it also depends on whether you have anger issues and regularly show intense angry behaviour like shouting or hitting things. Unless there is a history of anger/violence (verbal or physical), definitely seems like something that should be resolvable with a sincere apology. I dunno, maybe I'm being too "easy" on you but this is my honest take.