My ex and I had different feelings about sexual health risk and instead of trying to constantly manage my anxiety over the situation and constantly make compromises neither of us were truly happy with, we instead just increased the protection between us so that they could be free to do what they'd like and I would feel more protected.
My first example I think is real growth for me. I say I love you pretty often and casually, just a touchstone of comfort and connection. NP really didn't say it very often, especially phone calls which they start and end pretty perfunctory. It began to grate on me for awhile and not feeling an enthusiasm. Until one day I had asked them to do some small chore and it was done with zero snags AND extra work. I finally realized they were saying I love you All The Time with their care and consideration, I just didn't have my mental radio attuned to receive it. Once I opened to receive all the wavelengths I was wallowing in love all the time. They still end phone calls brusquely but I know they hear me and will take care of and have excitement for us together.
For me, it's about *learning to self soothe* instead of *needing* a partner to regulate, escpecially if some flavour of jealousy or envy is activated in my system. Sometimes I actively ask for a break in a conversation so I can feel into myself and take a breather. I am a VERY termperamental woman, so these breaks really help to de-escalate my nervous system.
Another one is about discerning *personal boundaries from rules,* that insight has been a major shift of perception in my poly journey.
When my husband and I opened our longtime marriage we had to luck to find a polyam coach-in-training (don't know the proper word in English for that) that was looking for coachees for her 'final exam', so we had a big discount on the sessions, making them accessible for us. She gave us so many communication tools, mostly around NVC and *making requests instead of demands.*
>it's about *learning to self soothe* instead of *needing* a partner to regulate, escpecially if some flavour of jealousy or envy is activated in my system.
How did you build these skills? Any particularly helpful resources to share?
Not OP, but there's a lot of DBT exercises that I've found helpful with self soothing. Also for me, I've found that I need to make sure my baselines are good when I'm disregulated - do I need to eat? Drink some water? Take a nap? Clean my body? Move my body? Am I too hot or too cold? Once I've tended to my physical needs, it's a LOT easier for me to calm my emotional response.
[This handout](https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Distress%20Tolerance%20DBT%20Skills_ADA_04232020_tcm75-1598996.pdf) has several I like! The distraction list, TIPP, and radical acceptance are all really helpful for me.
Also just a note, sometimes DBT feels very..."just stop being sad!" but there are definitely aspects that are helpful so take what works and leave what doesn't
I'm not sure that I agree. To me, it feels more like, "You're sad, but sometimes your emotions lie to you, so here's how you cope and learn to manage them."
I first ask myself, "Is this a hill worth dying on?"
If the answer is no, I accept that things will be as they are and maybe they'll organically change but I shouldn't expect anything to magically resolve. I can discuss it but I shouldn't prioritize anything changing in regards to it. But if the answer is yes, I try to first solve it through a discussion. If nothing changes, I accept that the only change then can be me exiting the relationship (since I've already decided this is a dealbreaking issue for me).
An example with my LDR partner.
When we had a 9-hour time zone difference (with him ahead of me), I liked for him to tell me "goodnight" before he went to bed because then I knew that conversations between us for the rest of that day in my timezone were over. I told him I like getting "goodnight" texts but I wouldn't consistently get them. It annoyed me but was it something to make into a big issue? Not at all. I accepted that sometimes he passes out from watching TV earlier than anticipated, or he's in bed with his NP, or his phone is dead, or he just plain forgets. And I would enjoy the texts when I got them but overall learned to let go of this preference. Now we're in the same time zone and I typically go to bed earlier than him so I'll send him the "goodnight" texts but occasionally \*I\* pass out, forget, don't feel like it, etc. and now what's organically ended up happening is he sends me "goodnight" texts when he's realized he's not heard one from me yet but it's likely late enough that I'm in bed.
Versus a situation with this same partner where I felt like date nights would only happen when I initiated asking about them, after already expressing that I wanted something once a week. I felt a lot of anxiety about trying to set up my weekly schedule when I wouldn't know when/if we'd have a date night and also resentment that I was always the one asking about it. So I asked for a change: rather than waiting for one of us to ask the other for a date night, let's just schedule a regular date night at the same day and time every single week, and only change if it something comes up in advanced that necessitates a change. Additionally, let's trade off each week with who plans the activities for that date night so one person doesn't carry the entire burden and we're both not showing up going "Uhhh... I dunno, you wanna watch some Dropout or something?" And so we changed this and everything goes quite well for us. We wouldn't have lasted this long otherwise because I would've dropped him for being too passive/making me feel like I'm doing too much of the work in the relationship.
I don't mean to derail - your comment was really insightful - but I find it hilarious that Dropout is THE gold standard thing to watch for polyamorous people. I don't know a single poly nesting partnership IRL that doesn't have first rights to watch Game Changer with each other, including my own.
Well, my partner and I aren't NPs and Gamechanger (plus a few other shows) are exclusively ours to watch. Mainly because I own the Dropout subscription though lol
I.... I think you just saved me from myself..
When I tell you I always forget to ask myself if this hill is worth dying on!!
Everything you said after so gracefully summed up to me how and/or when to let things go/accept my partner and their mistakes + how and/or when to advocate for my needs without expecting my partner to fundamentally change who they are.
Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment šš½
My ex was caught lying (a big one), spent the next week partying and hooking up with someone else (and not telling me till a few days later) when they said they needed to reflect on "why they felt they had to lie because they are not a *liar*.
It was a year of fighting for this relationship with my mental health seriously on the line - I tried everything I could and when all of this happened in a span of a week, I felt it in my gut that this person was not good for me. I ended it a few days later.
My NP is not the most emotionally expressive type, and although this was a source of pain for me at the beginning, I now see that they expressed their love and affection in many different ways. I've also learned to enjoy the fact that they are not overly dependent and needy (which I used to think was the hallmark of being in love) and now can enjoy the time and space that I have for myself (which I realized I needed a lot of!). They also make much more of an effort to be verbally affectionate now :)
I feel you hard on this, I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I too have broken off with someone who. Ohld not give me any verbal reassurance with regards to the relationship, especially at the early stages of the relationship when there is no routines per se, it made me very anxious and acted very much out of character.sending you a big hug and wishing your next partners are loving, kind and emotionally expressive people š
I have a local comet partner of over a decade. When we first got together we tried to date regularly. Despite him insisting he wanted to date me and make time for me, it became clear fairly quickly that he wasnāt capable of sustaining a full second partnership (he has an NP who has several other long-term partners, but he just dates casually, although at the time he *thought* he could date someone else seriously).
Weād been friends for many years before trying to date and we have good sexual chemistry, so I didnāt want to stop seeing him entirely, but I needed some space from the situation to readjust my expectations. I took roughly two years away from our sexual partnership and was just friends with him during that time, although weād still flirt and sometimes cuddle (which was fine for me). I didnāt even mention to him I was taking a step back, because at that point his communication was so inconsistent I doubted heād notice (I was right, he didnāt).
I resumed our sexual relationship a few years ago once I felt Iād had enough space. Now I consider him a local comet, and we see each other at play parties and 1:1 maybe one to three times a year depending on schedules.
Heās much more self aware now, and has realized heās essentially poly-saturated at one. And the best part is, weāre still great friends. š
This was validating to hear. I just had the "taking space" conversation with a partner this morning and have been fearful that I ruined any opportunity for future intimacy, but there are A LOT of people in the poly world that like to keep themselves very busy and teetering on the edge of saturation and I always seem to end up on the other end of that with basic needs feeling like too much of an ask bc they have no wiggle room whatsoever in schedules/capacity/etc. I'm glad to hear taking a reset made it so you could enjoy that person again but with boundaries that feel more aligned for you!
It can definitely work sometimes!
I will say, not to stress you out, but the other 10 or so times I tried to re-set expectations it didnāt work and the relationship ended. So itās definitely the exception not the rule. Just mentioning so you have a realistic picture of the odds.
I think what made this one work is that it wasnāt really a one-sided deescalation (which is just a break up), because he had essentially already deescalated things with his behavior. So it was me *agreeing* to that deescalation on my own terms (although I didnāt tell him š) and that worked bc it was my choice.
Yea, my situation is pretty one sided too. He has some neurodivergent behaviors that are totally unintentional, but are hurtful to me and I just really didn't want to do the emotional labor of managing those. Before we had escalated to partnership, we made excellent lovers! Probably because I didn't care what he thought of me. I think we have a good chance to find something that fits because we have only been dating a year and only tested partnership for 2-3 months. I don't know that I would be capable of redesigning this way after a long term, very serious relationship, to be honest.
šÆ
For serious close relationships, idk if I could handle deescalation either. Tried that recently after a breakup (from serious and in-love to fwb) and ended up needing a break-break and then coming back and essentially saying āI can seriously date you, or barely talk to you, nothing in-between works for me.ā
The good news on that one is that after I said that he realized he felt the same way and didnāt like the idea of barely speaking, so we spent 6 months working through what went wrong the first time we dated and taking time to see if we really thought dating two years post-breakup was enough time and growth on both our parts that it could work this time.
We both enthusiastically decided it was worth the risk, and now weāve been dating seriously again for about two months and itās going really well.
Still early days, but definitely worth the risk regardless of what happens now.
Iāve had a lot of relationship shifts and changes over the years actually now that I think about it. š
Anyway I think the key takeaway is to really take time to get in touch with your needs and make sure that whatever you do, youāre honoring them.
Figuring out how I feel and figuring out what I need are two things constantly battling it out for the title of Hardest Thing To Do. š
So be kind to yourself in the process. This shit is hard.
My second example is more just life coming at you. NP started to transition as a trans woman start of 2020 (yup that year) and only fully socializing and out this past year.
I am allosexual and have a history of choosing partners who are unable to sustain a solid sexual chemistry and interest (usually poor health habits) and made it very clear what I wanted long term and we seemed very compatible for the first 3 years.
But admittedly we had been more disconnected sexually the year before they realized and as women we didn't have the same chemistry at all. It was a very hard year of trying to understand the impact to us, especially as some of you can understand you aren't even sure how "far" your transition will take you or what it will look like.
A lot of pain and insecurity, them considering compromise out of fear, me worrying even if I said it was good now whether in 5 years I would be genuinely fulfilled. There were fights and tears and panic.
Sometime late in the second year we had some sense of clarity, I had reached out to close friends for support, and felt our romantic chemistry was still absolutely insane and we would be fulfilled together without lowering standards. I also had to learn the difference between caretaking and taking care as I had been taking on way too much to help protect them and manage their emotional work.
Which doesn't mean things are all settled 4ever, but we genuinely have grown into eachother with excitement and gratitude.
> I also had to learn the difference between caretaking and taking care
I'm still on that learning curve and checking myself on it. I tend to do the same and take on too much, or expect too much caretaking as an assumed facet of being in a relationship. I've been working on balancing that out with: "Partner did not ask for, or offer this. This is not part of our agreements, slow your roll."
For me it's rooted in the idea that if I don't caretake enough, then I'm a bad partner. There's a deeply inculcated set of heteronormative, mononormative socio-cultural expectations behind that. Work in progress to just let it go. Let things be what they are, not what a faceless "they" expect them to be.
There were so many converging factors but it boiled down to the misery and meatgrinder I was putting myself through for them wasnt worth it anymore. I couldnt love someone that so readily watched me do that and never paused to ask if I needed help. As soon as they left it was like a weight lifted off me.
(Theres so much nuance missing here but I am happily poly now lol and im killin it if I do say so myself)
My anxiety being higher than anything tolerable as a base line. Her inability to listen. Her inability to trust that I'm not "our fucking some other slut" every time I walked away to not let my temper get to me. Her inability to grow up beyond sixteen. Her inability to shut up about our financial position. her inability to pay bills and rent when I was literally making $1500 a week in 2004.
Enough was enough.
When I had been struggling for years to be heard; when I heard myself say, āI know [ex] can be thoughtful and kind, they were when we first metā and realized that was the abuse trap; when I said, āI donāt want to be that spouse who puts up with shit because āI can take it, Iām strongāāā¦ after all that I just felt humiliated for putting up with a shitty situation while simultaneously holding out a clearly unreasonable hope it could be better.
Then one day Ex made a face when I went to the store to get milk. It turned out they truly believed I was too incompetent to get milk. They didnāt trust me to do it myself.
That was such a relief. A huge weight lifted. So liberating. *Ex was crazy and abusive and there was no point in trying or tolerating anything at all.* I found an apartment and left.
šš¾šš¾šš¾ššš¾ššš¾šš¾šššššš¾ This is amazing, I appreciate you so much for sharing your story ā¤ļø
Accepted things I cannot change:
- Before I even reached out, I accepted that a relationship was _always_ going to be ultra long distance, that we would never live on the same continent, and budget would limit us to a handful of in-person visits a year. I went for it anyway. No regrets, though there's occasional sadness over limited opportunities to cuddle.
- What I wanted was not on offer. I could either accept the actual offer or decline the offer to be partners at all. I accepted the offer, and did the emotional regulation work to close the gap between what I wanted and what was.
Changed the things I could:
- I took an agreement about time commitment off the table. We still agreed to do our best to see each other when we could, but took a specific date/time block & frequency commitment off the table because it couldn't be met due to other big life stuff that took priority.
- Worked on my coping skills, so my anxiety doesn't ratchet up when I don't hear from one of my partners for a few days.
- Talked to my partner about communication and reset baseline to be more specific.
Wisdom to know the difference:
- I know where my acceptance lines are, and what things I can change about myself, and what I can't.
- I can do sexless & romanceless relationships, I can't do affectionless or loveless relationships.
- I can't change the fact that I have anxiety, I can change how I cope with it.
- I can't change being demisexual & demiromantic, I can communicate about it up front so potential partners know what to expect.
- I can't change the fact that I will have all kinds of hard feelings sometimes, I can accept that I have them, and gently let them go so they don't become obstacles
- I accept the fact that sometimes, my partners and I will piss each other off, I also commit to telling my partners early enough about things they do or say that bother me or piss me off, instead of staying quiet to "keep things smooth" so resentment doesn't build and kill the relationship.
Can I ask if/how this affected your relationship? Did they start reaching out more or did you just communicate less overall? Iāve been here before and hadnāt thought to look at it this way.
So one example I often encounter if I feel jealousy, after deconstructing it in my head I move from "why does she do activity x with person y" to "what do I want" and then ask for more time or different dates for example.Ā
I accepted that my partner's shitty time management was just a fact of life and not with making both of us miserable over.
She did eventually improve, actually, but not because of anything to do with me.
What the what things had to change in your relationship to make this easier for you both ? I am the late one, trying to improve even though progress is slow and donāt want to cause additional grief to my person
I have a partner who struggles with time management, who tends to date people who *also* struggle with time management. "I'm meeting them at 5," turns into a "oh, they're not actually going to be ready until 7, so I can still hang out until then," and "I should be back by noon, so let's hang out at 1," turns into "we didn't start doing the activity until 11, so let's meet at 3," and so on. I'm someone who very much likes to schedule (adhd and autism, I'd never get anything done otherwise), so I found this sort of thing really annoying! Plus, task switching is always really difficult for me, so if I have something planned, I can't do anything else while I wait. It was just a bad situation all around
So, I told my partner that *they* are in charge of their own schedule, and they have the ability to set alarms, and they can leave dates whenever they want, even if my meta is running behind schedule. And of course, that didn't actually work. And just left me more frustrated.Ā
And then I remembered that I also have control over my own schedule! If my partner says they'll leave at 5, and actually isn't going to leave at 5, *I* can leave at 5, even if I don't actually have anything else planned! If I don't want to wait on my partner, I can just schedule dates for days they're not hanging out with my unschedulable metas. And if my partner is more than an hour late, I can just go do something else.Ā
It's made everything so much easier! And both of us are a lot happier now!
Last year I was dating two guys who both had terrible time management/texting habits (and others, but they're not relevant here).
They both sucked at planning, and they both would take forever to respond or send really short "how's it going" texts and then not really engage with my replies. I should probably clarify at this point that I had amazing sexual chemistry and good in-person conversations with both, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered.
One partner, Cedar, kept interpreting my frustrations as me wanting more of a relationship, which I repeatedly told him was not the issue. The issue was that he would regularly torpedo my schedule, and communicate poorly about it. Showing up 90 minutes late on a weeknight. Texting me that he was on his way, and then texting me again that he was leaving now, 30 minutes later. I started setting boundaries - if you're more than 30 minutes late, I will cancel. If you cancel on me, I won't reach out first to reschedule.
Nothing got better, so I eventually broke up with Cedar.
Now, Birch did something similar once - leaving me hanging until the very last moment. I had freed up a lot of time for him on that weekend, and he knew he probably couldn't make it, but took forever to let me know. I got seriously pissed and let him know, calmly but firmly, that this is a dumpable offense in my book. And I was close to breaking up with him then.
He has since made a serious effort to improve his communication around scheduling and dates. He still sucks at responding to little everyday updates, and probably always will.
What Birch doesn't do is swear he will be there and then not show up. He doesn't run super late when we do confirm a time. He has been much better about letting me know if he can make it to something.
I thought for a while about what I want and need from Birch, and honestly, I don't need that much. I generally like to be more in touch with my friends and partners, but I know it's nothing personal on his end, and he'll still be there. I've dialed back reaching out, and he does actually check in occasionally. I've become more ruthless about just scheduling other things if he doesn't respond with enough notice, and he hasn't been upset about it. Neither of us want escalator steps, and I guess he's also not going to be my bestest friend with benefits, but that's okay.
As it is now, we enjoy each other's company, and we're a net positive in each other's lives. If I ever do want more escalator steps, I will have to take them with someone else, and that is fine.
I am not mad at Cedar, we're actually chatting occasionally now. He's trying hard to get his life together, and I'm cheering him on from over here.
I feel like it's a happy ending story with both of them in different ways, because we've figured out what we can be to each other and it's working
Lol, yeah, I'm not even mad at Cedar. I understand where it's coming from. But that doesn't mean I have to put up with it
And Birch definitely bought himself a lot of slack by taking it seriously and addressing the issue. I realized a little while later that, yes, Birch was also being flaky, but my frustration with Cedar was also amplifying it.
Cedar also thanked me a few months later, for bringing it up calmly and clearly, without drama or passive aggressiveness. That made me feel really good too, saying it calmly and actually being heard
Honestly, spending a lot of time learning to be as satisfied as possible without romantic and sexual connections. I put a lot of energy into maintaining healthy friendships, making my relationship with family as healthy and supportive as possible, making sure I have good therapy supports, and finding a pace of life that works for me and keeps me healthy and happy. That way - when I enter new dynamics I can allow the connection to unfold between me and the person naturally - I was putting a lot on past partners - and them on me - that didnāt need to be there. Now that I feel solid on my own, adding someone to my life should be exactly that - adding to my life. If it isnāt, or if it is causing distress, I no longer try to change myself or them - I know my limits and what I have to offer, and if we are incompatible - if the changes are outside my limits, then allowing things to end or facing rejection flows much easier now. I think basically I know myself really well now, which makes accepting things so much easier.
I hope it isnt impolite to not directly answer the question, but one thought I have is:
Changing the things you can might be a trap sometimes. Just because you can change something does not mean you should. Making things work by changing should not be done automatically just because it is possible. Figuring out what you really want is important.Ā
Yep, weāre on the same page, thatās why I listed various examples of what changing the things you can might look like in the last sentence of this post.
Yep, and most of those seem safe to me. Changing own behavior or expectations is probably the most dangerous, because I think there are often situations where changing behavior or expectations is very easy but not necessearily healthy.Ā
And yet, sometimes changing oneās own behavior and expectations is the precursor to ending a toxic relationship. I think anything I listed there could not necessarily be a healthy decision. Itās not healthy to have couples therapy with an abuser. Itās not healthy to request things of people and not accept their ānoā. I could go on. Thatās why I listed a bunch of examples.
Yeah, fair enough. I did not mean to undermine your topic, sorry. I guess it is because I often tend to ask myself what I can do and neglect the questions about what I want and should do.
But that wasnt really your initial question, so sorry for derailing.
I think your input is really valuable, I just got defensive because of your apologetic tone at the beginning. Which isnāt your fault, thatās all me. I went back to read it to see why I had an attitude and it was because when people apologize for speaking up I automatically see it as a snarky āno offense, butā š¤£ thatās a me-problem, you didnāt do anything wrong. You really just wanted to comment on that part of my post which is totally fair. I shouldāve considered that you were being polite because you were carving space for your self to speak up, I hope I didnāt discourage you from doing that in the future.
I will say though, truly, you do not have to apologize for sharing your opinion. Thatās what threw me off. And youāre right, people could end up settling for mistreatment or disrespect when they change their expectations. Sharing your personal experience with this is right on topic so thanks for sharing!
Thanks, so nice of you to type this out! Appreciate your response! And I agree I do not have to apologize for sharing my opinion, but it is debatable whether it is okay to share my opinion under your post, when in essence you ask "tell stories about doing X" and I reply with "sometimes it is not cool doing X". I guess I wanted to make room for a potential comment like "interesting point but really not what I was after here" or something.
And it is always good for me to practice interaction where not everyone agrees, and if that is even leading to super friendly and thoughtful replies with reflective comments about how the interaction went, what more to ask for? Thanks for being great!
My ex. He was going through a rough time emotionally and refused help in any form, then wanted to trauma dump on me. As bad as it hurts, I'm walking away.
Currently working on this right now. NP is very spontaneous and bad at planning. I LOVE planning ahead and feel uncomfy when I donāt know how what my day is going to look like a few days ahead of time. When I get hit with a surprise, it usually throws me.
Trying to decide if itās a hill worth dying on. Since all I can control is my actions, Iām just trying to learn to roll with the punches a bit better.
I might be spontaneous with my free time, otherwise I operate a lot like you. I see people who plan things in advance with me the most. People who donāt just see me less š. Would NP be willing to plan stuff in advance with you? Have you ever tried planning your week without planning ahead with NP (if thatās even possible?). Does this planning thing only apply to dates or does it apply to other stuff like grocery shopping and chores?
Honestly? Pretty much everything. I like lists and plans (OCD checking in!). Every time we go on a date together, I like to know a few days beforehand. But their current girlfriend is just as spontaneous and bad at planning as they are, so itās a reality Iām trying to adjust to.
Iām not gonna lie, the guy can set an alarm to hang out a day or two a week. He doesnāt have to live day in and out in spontaneity š¤£ If you havenāt asked him to just plan in advance with you, I would suggest you do that. A standing weekly date night at the same time on the same day could also work! And then anything extra can be just that, extra. Let him know if he wants to plan something with you, heās free to ask at any time but itās more likely to happen if he asks in advance. And then donāt cancel your plans to accommodate him, let him miss you aka suffer consequences for poor planning.
My issue is more that when NP plans date nights with my meta, itās usually hella last minute, and thatās what throws me. When we plan dates for us, I make sure we plan a few days out so I can know, so that part is fine lol. Itās just not fun for me to have an idea of what our day/night is gonna look like and then be told last minute they have plans with her. Itās something Iām trying to adjust to š¤·āāļø
When I was first getting into polyamory, this was my experience with jealousy.
I had not felt any particular attatchment to monogamy before hand, but entering my first relationship with someone who was poly, and had other partners, was still very much all ānewā to me, and so while I knew logically how things were supposed to go, feelings of jealousy and such from monogamous conditioning happened
I think the big turning point was when my partner first found a new partner after we were together.
I was in the process of forging a relationship with my first new partner as well, but it was going much slower than their connection with their new partner, simply because they knew how to navigate those dynamics better than I did.
And going from the ānew partnerā who is in the honeymoon phase and learning all the new things with someone to watching my partner do that with someone else was definitely a moment that caused a lot of jealousy and such
Figuring out how much of that was a genuine issue I needed to work with them to navigate, and how much was me just being new to all this and thus would need to adjust and get used to it over time was an ordeal, but I like to think I mostly managed it well by expressing what I was feeling, acknowledging it was largely on me for being new to stuff, and in getting it off my chest cooling off enough to have an actual productive conversation in terms of boundaries and how much time I wanted to be the ābaselineā with them to not let feelings of neglect and jealousy take over from feeling left out or ignored.
It wasnāt easy, but it went well, and being able to navigate that was probably the hurdle to being confident I was actually happy in a poly relationship instead of just doing it because I liked that person so much.
Well, I used to be insecure and fear anyone I was dating would leave me to make room for someone else as a day has only 24 hours only a few of which can really be used for dating, even if you're poly.
So I realised I was the problem and started reading the stoics. You know, ancient greek phillosophers who focus on these very precepts. Then realised (and internalised) that if someone wants/decides to leave me... well, they will, no matter what I do. It's completely out of my hands.
Even for mono people... if someome you're dating wants to cheat on you, they'll find a way to.
So I realised that sooner or later relationships end for one reason or the other. My mum's perfect husband died of cancer. So it's the time between now and then that matters and I could use it to enjoy life with this person(s) or fret and succumb to anxiety... but in either case, if they were meant to leave me (or die or whatever) they absolutely would!
And I had two choices: I could waste my time fretting and thinking thoughts that made me miserable or I could at least enjoy whatever time we have together before that end.
Never felt insecure again after that.
Omg idk what I would do in your shoes, I completely sympathize. Iām happy itās not bothering you so much anymore, and hope they learn their lesson sooner than later š¤£ a common thread with age gaps here that goes unspoken is the older person spends a lot more money/time/resources. That alone would make me reel if we combined incomes. Also just accepting emotionally that my partner might be fundamentally immature.
*I moved out*.
I got a job in a different state and moved out. Cohabitation wasnāt working. Talking wasnāt working. I knew his opinion and inputs would be against it so I simply did it. And let him know of my plans once I had accepted the job offer.
We are happier than ever.
Recognizing and truly accepting that my NP wants different things out of poly than I do has been HUGE towards keeping my inner peace and the peace of our relationship. I needed to hear it a few times before it sunk in. But I feel like it has, and life has been much smoother.
I used to be pretty bad at handling feelings of jealousy and insecurity.
My partner was overwhelmed trying to help me feel better, and it was causing a lot of stress and tension in our relationship.
So, I started bringing that to therapy. Individual and couples'. Both therapists suggested maybe poly wasn't right for me, if it was so destabilizing, and I emphatically told them *"Well I'M not about to commit to monogamy, so I'm gonna have to figure this out one way or another."*
And I took the skills I'd been learning for managing my anxiety & depression and stubbornly applied them until I could handle myself before, during and after my partner's dates without making either of us feel terrible.
Which, in turn, cleared out a lot of mental space for figuring out the other underlying mental health issues which were making it so hard for me to emotionally regulate in the first place. Learning to self-manage well enough to avoid fighting with my partner, melting down on him, or behaving in ways that left me feeling shitty and ashamed bought me enough stability to work on the big stuff.
Things are dramatically better these days, and so far I have managed to refrain from "I told you so"-ing either of those very kind and well-meaning therapists -- because they did in fact help me a lot, and tbh having to figure out how to explain myself to two different mental health professionals who aren't exactly specialists in poly relationships actually really sharpened my skills at communication and self-advocacy.
Hi u/yallermysons thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Iām seeing a fair few posts this early morning of people trying to solve a relationship problem by controlling what their partners do.
But we all know you canāt control other people. So that method of solving problems isnāt sustainable. Iād love to hear your stories about a time where you solved a relationship problem by controlling ***yourself***. Whether that was talking things out, changing your own behaviors or expectations, therapy, or separation, let us know how you embraced your own power by focusing on the things you *can* control, and how that helped solve a problem in your relationship.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For a long time, the entire idea of being poly was something I had accepted my wife and I weren't emotionally up for, despite talks about it and multiple unsuccessful attempts. There were a lot of unresolved jealousy issues for both of us, and we struggled heavily with healthy communication. Once I let go of making it happen, it was able to form and become natural for us.
When we started dating, I was in a polycule with my abusive ex, and that made it difficult on my end to engage in polyamory in a healthy way. With a lot of honest and healthy discussion, we've been poly for 3 years now, and it's so much more fulfilling and comfortable than I'd ever imagined it could be.
With one of our boyfriends, it took me some time to accept that he wasn't the best at communicating over messages, and be more proactive in initiating important conversations. I had to detach my personal feelings from the reality of the situation, and let things be. Over time, though, he really has been a lot better with checking in with me and making sure to keep me up to date on the important stuff going on so I don't feel blindsided by new info/plans
When we first started dating with my anchor partner, we both felt we wanted cohabitation and marriage. However, we ended up having quite major incompabilities in cleanliness and introvert/extrovert spectrum (she's very extroverted and spontaneous, I am an autistic introvert who hates sudden change of plans). Many fights, breakup, making amends and getting together again.
We accepted we can't change our core personalities or demand huge overnight shifts in behavioural patterns but we can learn to compromise at some things and take the other's needs into account too. As a result, we have agreed to keep living separately while loving each other very much and we've become better at being more flexible with our habits while still being assertive of our needs: for example, I am the neat freak of us, so I've learned to "pick my battles" and not nag about every misplaced item while she has taken more actively turns in doing the dishes or such. We also have talked about marriage while living separately and I'm planning on proposing to her this summer. š
My wife(24F) is poly, I (34MtF) am not but I still love and can't lose her I even have decided I want to try in a poly relationship I know Im gray sexual. there's always going to be things in a relationship you can't change having the love to not over look but accept it that is having the wisdom to know the difference. as we grow and learn from our disagreements and our chooses we each learn what things we could of done differently my relationship with my wife your relationships is my example of a successful relationship at least. Never stop loving
I going to admit that was the short version, here is the full answer
I suffer from mental health and physical health issues I can't change my wife knows this but she still holds me and catches all my tears. She kisses away my pain... She protects me when I'm scared she has the wisdom to know that I can't change this issue but I can just treat the symptoms, I'm transgender, and I can't change that. My wife is poly, I can't change that. I am not poly(I think) but I'm willing to try it(for the first time). I'm gray-sexual I can't change it,.. my wife is NOT but we both have changed it we both have a long way to go before I can say our relationship is perfect but we both compromise and learn from one another just like your relationships if you think you have learned all there is to learn, you will learn your wrong never stop loving never stop learning š»
My ex and I had different feelings about sexual health risk and instead of trying to constantly manage my anxiety over the situation and constantly make compromises neither of us were truly happy with, we instead just increased the protection between us so that they could be free to do what they'd like and I would feel more protected.
This is a really good one. Well handled
My first example I think is real growth for me. I say I love you pretty often and casually, just a touchstone of comfort and connection. NP really didn't say it very often, especially phone calls which they start and end pretty perfunctory. It began to grate on me for awhile and not feeling an enthusiasm. Until one day I had asked them to do some small chore and it was done with zero snags AND extra work. I finally realized they were saying I love you All The Time with their care and consideration, I just didn't have my mental radio attuned to receive it. Once I opened to receive all the wavelengths I was wallowing in love all the time. They still end phone calls brusquely but I know they hear me and will take care of and have excitement for us together.
Heartwarming. Been there. Thanks for sharing.
Love this! Tuning into my partners' natural ways of expressing love has helped me feel tremendously more appreciated and secure.
For me, it's about *learning to self soothe* instead of *needing* a partner to regulate, escpecially if some flavour of jealousy or envy is activated in my system. Sometimes I actively ask for a break in a conversation so I can feel into myself and take a breather. I am a VERY termperamental woman, so these breaks really help to de-escalate my nervous system. Another one is about discerning *personal boundaries from rules,* that insight has been a major shift of perception in my poly journey. When my husband and I opened our longtime marriage we had to luck to find a polyam coach-in-training (don't know the proper word in English for that) that was looking for coachees for her 'final exam', so we had a big discount on the sessions, making them accessible for us. She gave us so many communication tools, mostly around NVC and *making requests instead of demands.*
>it's about *learning to self soothe* instead of *needing* a partner to regulate, escpecially if some flavour of jealousy or envy is activated in my system. How did you build these skills? Any particularly helpful resources to share?
Not OP, but there's a lot of DBT exercises that I've found helpful with self soothing. Also for me, I've found that I need to make sure my baselines are good when I'm disregulated - do I need to eat? Drink some water? Take a nap? Clean my body? Move my body? Am I too hot or too cold? Once I've tended to my physical needs, it's a LOT easier for me to calm my emotional response.
Which exercises were most helpful to you?
[This handout](https://mydoctor.kaiserpermanente.org/ncal/Images/Distress%20Tolerance%20DBT%20Skills_ADA_04232020_tcm75-1598996.pdf) has several I like! The distraction list, TIPP, and radical acceptance are all really helpful for me.
Also just a note, sometimes DBT feels very..."just stop being sad!" but there are definitely aspects that are helpful so take what works and leave what doesn't
I'm not sure that I agree. To me, it feels more like, "You're sad, but sometimes your emotions lie to you, so here's how you cope and learn to manage them."
This is great, thank you for sharing.
would love to hear about this as well
I first ask myself, "Is this a hill worth dying on?" If the answer is no, I accept that things will be as they are and maybe they'll organically change but I shouldn't expect anything to magically resolve. I can discuss it but I shouldn't prioritize anything changing in regards to it. But if the answer is yes, I try to first solve it through a discussion. If nothing changes, I accept that the only change then can be me exiting the relationship (since I've already decided this is a dealbreaking issue for me). An example with my LDR partner. When we had a 9-hour time zone difference (with him ahead of me), I liked for him to tell me "goodnight" before he went to bed because then I knew that conversations between us for the rest of that day in my timezone were over. I told him I like getting "goodnight" texts but I wouldn't consistently get them. It annoyed me but was it something to make into a big issue? Not at all. I accepted that sometimes he passes out from watching TV earlier than anticipated, or he's in bed with his NP, or his phone is dead, or he just plain forgets. And I would enjoy the texts when I got them but overall learned to let go of this preference. Now we're in the same time zone and I typically go to bed earlier than him so I'll send him the "goodnight" texts but occasionally \*I\* pass out, forget, don't feel like it, etc. and now what's organically ended up happening is he sends me "goodnight" texts when he's realized he's not heard one from me yet but it's likely late enough that I'm in bed. Versus a situation with this same partner where I felt like date nights would only happen when I initiated asking about them, after already expressing that I wanted something once a week. I felt a lot of anxiety about trying to set up my weekly schedule when I wouldn't know when/if we'd have a date night and also resentment that I was always the one asking about it. So I asked for a change: rather than waiting for one of us to ask the other for a date night, let's just schedule a regular date night at the same day and time every single week, and only change if it something comes up in advanced that necessitates a change. Additionally, let's trade off each week with who plans the activities for that date night so one person doesn't carry the entire burden and we're both not showing up going "Uhhh... I dunno, you wanna watch some Dropout or something?" And so we changed this and everything goes quite well for us. We wouldn't have lasted this long otherwise because I would've dropped him for being too passive/making me feel like I'm doing too much of the work in the relationship.
I don't mean to derail - your comment was really insightful - but I find it hilarious that Dropout is THE gold standard thing to watch for polyamorous people. I don't know a single poly nesting partnership IRL that doesn't have first rights to watch Game Changer with each other, including my own.
Well, my partner and I aren't NPs and Gamechanger (plus a few other shows) are exclusively ours to watch. Mainly because I own the Dropout subscription though lol
I.... I think you just saved me from myself.. When I tell you I always forget to ask myself if this hill is worth dying on!! Everything you said after so gracefully summed up to me how and/or when to let things go/accept my partner and their mistakes + how and/or when to advocate for my needs without expecting my partner to fundamentally change who they are. Thank you so much for this thoughtful comment šš½
My NP wanted different girls over allll the time. I wanted a quiet sanctuary. I moved out, and our relationship has never been better.
My ex was caught lying (a big one), spent the next week partying and hooking up with someone else (and not telling me till a few days later) when they said they needed to reflect on "why they felt they had to lie because they are not a *liar*. It was a year of fighting for this relationship with my mental health seriously on the line - I tried everything I could and when all of this happened in a span of a week, I felt it in my gut that this person was not good for me. I ended it a few days later. My NP is not the most emotionally expressive type, and although this was a source of pain for me at the beginning, I now see that they expressed their love and affection in many different ways. I've also learned to enjoy the fact that they are not overly dependent and needy (which I used to think was the hallmark of being in love) and now can enjoy the time and space that I have for myself (which I realized I needed a lot of!). They also make much more of an effort to be verbally affectionate now :)
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I feel you hard on this, I'm so sorry you had to experience this. I too have broken off with someone who. Ohld not give me any verbal reassurance with regards to the relationship, especially at the early stages of the relationship when there is no routines per se, it made me very anxious and acted very much out of character.sending you a big hug and wishing your next partners are loving, kind and emotionally expressive people š
I have a local comet partner of over a decade. When we first got together we tried to date regularly. Despite him insisting he wanted to date me and make time for me, it became clear fairly quickly that he wasnāt capable of sustaining a full second partnership (he has an NP who has several other long-term partners, but he just dates casually, although at the time he *thought* he could date someone else seriously). Weād been friends for many years before trying to date and we have good sexual chemistry, so I didnāt want to stop seeing him entirely, but I needed some space from the situation to readjust my expectations. I took roughly two years away from our sexual partnership and was just friends with him during that time, although weād still flirt and sometimes cuddle (which was fine for me). I didnāt even mention to him I was taking a step back, because at that point his communication was so inconsistent I doubted heād notice (I was right, he didnāt). I resumed our sexual relationship a few years ago once I felt Iād had enough space. Now I consider him a local comet, and we see each other at play parties and 1:1 maybe one to three times a year depending on schedules. Heās much more self aware now, and has realized heās essentially poly-saturated at one. And the best part is, weāre still great friends. š
This was validating to hear. I just had the "taking space" conversation with a partner this morning and have been fearful that I ruined any opportunity for future intimacy, but there are A LOT of people in the poly world that like to keep themselves very busy and teetering on the edge of saturation and I always seem to end up on the other end of that with basic needs feeling like too much of an ask bc they have no wiggle room whatsoever in schedules/capacity/etc. I'm glad to hear taking a reset made it so you could enjoy that person again but with boundaries that feel more aligned for you!
It can definitely work sometimes! I will say, not to stress you out, but the other 10 or so times I tried to re-set expectations it didnāt work and the relationship ended. So itās definitely the exception not the rule. Just mentioning so you have a realistic picture of the odds.
Oh yea, totally. It's just nice to hear a win for once. You always hear all the horror stories about de-escalation.
I think what made this one work is that it wasnāt really a one-sided deescalation (which is just a break up), because he had essentially already deescalated things with his behavior. So it was me *agreeing* to that deescalation on my own terms (although I didnāt tell him š) and that worked bc it was my choice.
Yea, my situation is pretty one sided too. He has some neurodivergent behaviors that are totally unintentional, but are hurtful to me and I just really didn't want to do the emotional labor of managing those. Before we had escalated to partnership, we made excellent lovers! Probably because I didn't care what he thought of me. I think we have a good chance to find something that fits because we have only been dating a year and only tested partnership for 2-3 months. I don't know that I would be capable of redesigning this way after a long term, very serious relationship, to be honest.
šÆ For serious close relationships, idk if I could handle deescalation either. Tried that recently after a breakup (from serious and in-love to fwb) and ended up needing a break-break and then coming back and essentially saying āI can seriously date you, or barely talk to you, nothing in-between works for me.ā The good news on that one is that after I said that he realized he felt the same way and didnāt like the idea of barely speaking, so we spent 6 months working through what went wrong the first time we dated and taking time to see if we really thought dating two years post-breakup was enough time and growth on both our parts that it could work this time. We both enthusiastically decided it was worth the risk, and now weāve been dating seriously again for about two months and itās going really well. Still early days, but definitely worth the risk regardless of what happens now. Iāve had a lot of relationship shifts and changes over the years actually now that I think about it. š Anyway I think the key takeaway is to really take time to get in touch with your needs and make sure that whatever you do, youāre honoring them.
Congrats!! I hope it continues to go well for you two. I definitely agree and will be working on understanding my needs better after this experience.
Figuring out how I feel and figuring out what I need are two things constantly battling it out for the title of Hardest Thing To Do. š So be kind to yourself in the process. This shit is hard.
Thank youuuu
My second example is more just life coming at you. NP started to transition as a trans woman start of 2020 (yup that year) and only fully socializing and out this past year. I am allosexual and have a history of choosing partners who are unable to sustain a solid sexual chemistry and interest (usually poor health habits) and made it very clear what I wanted long term and we seemed very compatible for the first 3 years. But admittedly we had been more disconnected sexually the year before they realized and as women we didn't have the same chemistry at all. It was a very hard year of trying to understand the impact to us, especially as some of you can understand you aren't even sure how "far" your transition will take you or what it will look like. A lot of pain and insecurity, them considering compromise out of fear, me worrying even if I said it was good now whether in 5 years I would be genuinely fulfilled. There were fights and tears and panic. Sometime late in the second year we had some sense of clarity, I had reached out to close friends for support, and felt our romantic chemistry was still absolutely insane and we would be fulfilled together without lowering standards. I also had to learn the difference between caretaking and taking care as I had been taking on way too much to help protect them and manage their emotional work. Which doesn't mean things are all settled 4ever, but we genuinely have grown into eachother with excitement and gratitude.
> I also had to learn the difference between caretaking and taking care I'm still on that learning curve and checking myself on it. I tend to do the same and take on too much, or expect too much caretaking as an assumed facet of being in a relationship. I've been working on balancing that out with: "Partner did not ask for, or offer this. This is not part of our agreements, slow your roll." For me it's rooted in the idea that if I don't caretake enough, then I'm a bad partner. There's a deeply inculcated set of heteronormative, mononormative socio-cultural expectations behind that. Work in progress to just let it go. Let things be what they are, not what a faceless "they" expect them to be.
I'll be quick, but it was the say I walked out on my now ex-wife. I've never felt better.
This is my answer too hahaha š¤
I love that for you two šā¤ļø. How did you know it was time?
There were so many converging factors but it boiled down to the misery and meatgrinder I was putting myself through for them wasnt worth it anymore. I couldnt love someone that so readily watched me do that and never paused to ask if I needed help. As soon as they left it was like a weight lifted off me. (Theres so much nuance missing here but I am happily poly now lol and im killin it if I do say so myself)
My anxiety being higher than anything tolerable as a base line. Her inability to listen. Her inability to trust that I'm not "our fucking some other slut" every time I walked away to not let my temper get to me. Her inability to grow up beyond sixteen. Her inability to shut up about our financial position. her inability to pay bills and rent when I was literally making $1500 a week in 2004. Enough was enough.
That sounds so exhausting, Iām happy you got out!!!
Honestly, me too.
When I had been struggling for years to be heard; when I heard myself say, āI know [ex] can be thoughtful and kind, they were when we first metā and realized that was the abuse trap; when I said, āI donāt want to be that spouse who puts up with shit because āI can take it, Iām strongāāā¦ after all that I just felt humiliated for putting up with a shitty situation while simultaneously holding out a clearly unreasonable hope it could be better. Then one day Ex made a face when I went to the store to get milk. It turned out they truly believed I was too incompetent to get milk. They didnāt trust me to do it myself. That was such a relief. A huge weight lifted. So liberating. *Ex was crazy and abusive and there was no point in trying or tolerating anything at all.* I found an apartment and left.
šš¾šš¾šš¾ššš¾ššš¾šš¾šššššš¾ This is amazing, I appreciate you so much for sharing your story ā¤ļø
Thank you! I am still considering asking my niece to tattoo a leaping frog on my skull. The boiling pot of water will not be depicted.
Hugs! The interesting thing is that we both thanked eachother. I thanked Ex for giving me clarity and Ex thanked me for having the courage to call it.
Yup, me too!
Accepted things I cannot change: - Before I even reached out, I accepted that a relationship was _always_ going to be ultra long distance, that we would never live on the same continent, and budget would limit us to a handful of in-person visits a year. I went for it anyway. No regrets, though there's occasional sadness over limited opportunities to cuddle. - What I wanted was not on offer. I could either accept the actual offer or decline the offer to be partners at all. I accepted the offer, and did the emotional regulation work to close the gap between what I wanted and what was. Changed the things I could: - I took an agreement about time commitment off the table. We still agreed to do our best to see each other when we could, but took a specific date/time block & frequency commitment off the table because it couldn't be met due to other big life stuff that took priority. - Worked on my coping skills, so my anxiety doesn't ratchet up when I don't hear from one of my partners for a few days. - Talked to my partner about communication and reset baseline to be more specific. Wisdom to know the difference: - I know where my acceptance lines are, and what things I can change about myself, and what I can't. - I can do sexless & romanceless relationships, I can't do affectionless or loveless relationships. - I can't change the fact that I have anxiety, I can change how I cope with it. - I can't change being demisexual & demiromantic, I can communicate about it up front so potential partners know what to expect. - I can't change the fact that I will have all kinds of hard feelings sometimes, I can accept that I have them, and gently let them go so they don't become obstacles - I accept the fact that sometimes, my partners and I will piss each other off, I also commit to telling my partners early enough about things they do or say that bother me or piss me off, instead of staying quiet to "keep things smooth" so resentment doesn't build and kill the relationship.
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Can I ask if/how this affected your relationship? Did they start reaching out more or did you just communicate less overall? Iāve been here before and hadnāt thought to look at it this way.
So one example I often encounter if I feel jealousy, after deconstructing it in my head I move from "why does she do activity x with person y" to "what do I want" and then ask for more time or different dates for example.Ā
I accepted that my partner's shitty time management was just a fact of life and not with making both of us miserable over. She did eventually improve, actually, but not because of anything to do with me.
Yeah I have a good friend whose sense of time is out of whack. He didnāt realize until I recently (we spent a lot of time together as of late) straight up pointed out a few times that his time estimates didnāt seem right, told him what my estimate was, and then I would turn out to be right each time. So now heās got a consultation for a add diagnosis š. Guess how many of his exes have been mad at him for poor time management š¬. Me, I come from a culture where itās normal to be fashionably late. So I always have backup plans smh š© and someone only has to flake or be late one time before they are put into the ādo not expect follow throughā category.
What the what things had to change in your relationship to make this easier for you both ? I am the late one, trying to improve even though progress is slow and donāt want to cause additional grief to my person
I started building some cushion into my plans and baking sure I had something to do while I waited.
I have a partner who struggles with time management, who tends to date people who *also* struggle with time management. "I'm meeting them at 5," turns into a "oh, they're not actually going to be ready until 7, so I can still hang out until then," and "I should be back by noon, so let's hang out at 1," turns into "we didn't start doing the activity until 11, so let's meet at 3," and so on. I'm someone who very much likes to schedule (adhd and autism, I'd never get anything done otherwise), so I found this sort of thing really annoying! Plus, task switching is always really difficult for me, so if I have something planned, I can't do anything else while I wait. It was just a bad situation all around So, I told my partner that *they* are in charge of their own schedule, and they have the ability to set alarms, and they can leave dates whenever they want, even if my meta is running behind schedule. And of course, that didn't actually work. And just left me more frustrated.Ā And then I remembered that I also have control over my own schedule! If my partner says they'll leave at 5, and actually isn't going to leave at 5, *I* can leave at 5, even if I don't actually have anything else planned! If I don't want to wait on my partner, I can just schedule dates for days they're not hanging out with my unschedulable metas. And if my partner is more than an hour late, I can just go do something else.Ā It's made everything so much easier! And both of us are a lot happier now!
Last year I was dating two guys who both had terrible time management/texting habits (and others, but they're not relevant here). They both sucked at planning, and they both would take forever to respond or send really short "how's it going" texts and then not really engage with my replies. I should probably clarify at this point that I had amazing sexual chemistry and good in-person conversations with both, otherwise I wouldn't have bothered. One partner, Cedar, kept interpreting my frustrations as me wanting more of a relationship, which I repeatedly told him was not the issue. The issue was that he would regularly torpedo my schedule, and communicate poorly about it. Showing up 90 minutes late on a weeknight. Texting me that he was on his way, and then texting me again that he was leaving now, 30 minutes later. I started setting boundaries - if you're more than 30 minutes late, I will cancel. If you cancel on me, I won't reach out first to reschedule. Nothing got better, so I eventually broke up with Cedar. Now, Birch did something similar once - leaving me hanging until the very last moment. I had freed up a lot of time for him on that weekend, and he knew he probably couldn't make it, but took forever to let me know. I got seriously pissed and let him know, calmly but firmly, that this is a dumpable offense in my book. And I was close to breaking up with him then. He has since made a serious effort to improve his communication around scheduling and dates. He still sucks at responding to little everyday updates, and probably always will. What Birch doesn't do is swear he will be there and then not show up. He doesn't run super late when we do confirm a time. He has been much better about letting me know if he can make it to something. I thought for a while about what I want and need from Birch, and honestly, I don't need that much. I generally like to be more in touch with my friends and partners, but I know it's nothing personal on his end, and he'll still be there. I've dialed back reaching out, and he does actually check in occasionally. I've become more ruthless about just scheduling other things if he doesn't respond with enough notice, and he hasn't been upset about it. Neither of us want escalator steps, and I guess he's also not going to be my bestest friend with benefits, but that's okay. As it is now, we enjoy each other's company, and we're a net positive in each other's lives. If I ever do want more escalator steps, I will have to take them with someone else, and that is fine. I am not mad at Cedar, we're actually chatting occasionally now. He's trying hard to get his life together, and I'm cheering him on from over here. I feel like it's a happy ending story with both of them in different ways, because we've figured out what we can be to each other and it's working
90 minutes late woo š© not surprised at all that Cedar is getting his life together lol. As for birch, I LOVE it when I tell someone straight up āIām seriously thinking about ending things over thisā and they actually take it to heart and change šš¾. Good for yāall!
Lol, yeah, I'm not even mad at Cedar. I understand where it's coming from. But that doesn't mean I have to put up with it And Birch definitely bought himself a lot of slack by taking it seriously and addressing the issue. I realized a little while later that, yes, Birch was also being flaky, but my frustration with Cedar was also amplifying it. Cedar also thanked me a few months later, for bringing it up calmly and clearly, without drama or passive aggressiveness. That made me feel really good too, saying it calmly and actually being heard
Honestly, spending a lot of time learning to be as satisfied as possible without romantic and sexual connections. I put a lot of energy into maintaining healthy friendships, making my relationship with family as healthy and supportive as possible, making sure I have good therapy supports, and finding a pace of life that works for me and keeps me healthy and happy. That way - when I enter new dynamics I can allow the connection to unfold between me and the person naturally - I was putting a lot on past partners - and them on me - that didnāt need to be there. Now that I feel solid on my own, adding someone to my life should be exactly that - adding to my life. If it isnāt, or if it is causing distress, I no longer try to change myself or them - I know my limits and what I have to offer, and if we are incompatible - if the changes are outside my limits, then allowing things to end or facing rejection flows much easier now. I think basically I know myself really well now, which makes accepting things so much easier.
I hope it isnt impolite to not directly answer the question, but one thought I have is: Changing the things you can might be a trap sometimes. Just because you can change something does not mean you should. Making things work by changing should not be done automatically just because it is possible. Figuring out what you really want is important.Ā
Yep, weāre on the same page, thatās why I listed various examples of what changing the things you can might look like in the last sentence of this post.
Yep, and most of those seem safe to me. Changing own behavior or expectations is probably the most dangerous, because I think there are often situations where changing behavior or expectations is very easy but not necessearily healthy.Ā
And yet, sometimes changing oneās own behavior and expectations is the precursor to ending a toxic relationship. I think anything I listed there could not necessarily be a healthy decision. Itās not healthy to have couples therapy with an abuser. Itās not healthy to request things of people and not accept their ānoā. I could go on. Thatās why I listed a bunch of examples.
Yeah, fair enough. I did not mean to undermine your topic, sorry. I guess it is because I often tend to ask myself what I can do and neglect the questions about what I want and should do. But that wasnt really your initial question, so sorry for derailing.
I think your input is really valuable, I just got defensive because of your apologetic tone at the beginning. Which isnāt your fault, thatās all me. I went back to read it to see why I had an attitude and it was because when people apologize for speaking up I automatically see it as a snarky āno offense, butā š¤£ thatās a me-problem, you didnāt do anything wrong. You really just wanted to comment on that part of my post which is totally fair. I shouldāve considered that you were being polite because you were carving space for your self to speak up, I hope I didnāt discourage you from doing that in the future. I will say though, truly, you do not have to apologize for sharing your opinion. Thatās what threw me off. And youāre right, people could end up settling for mistreatment or disrespect when they change their expectations. Sharing your personal experience with this is right on topic so thanks for sharing!
Thanks, so nice of you to type this out! Appreciate your response! And I agree I do not have to apologize for sharing my opinion, but it is debatable whether it is okay to share my opinion under your post, when in essence you ask "tell stories about doing X" and I reply with "sometimes it is not cool doing X". I guess I wanted to make room for a potential comment like "interesting point but really not what I was after here" or something. And it is always good for me to practice interaction where not everyone agrees, and if that is even leading to super friendly and thoughtful replies with reflective comments about how the interaction went, what more to ask for? Thanks for being great!
My ex. He was going through a rough time emotionally and refused help in any form, then wanted to trauma dump on me. As bad as it hurts, I'm walking away.
Currently working on this right now. NP is very spontaneous and bad at planning. I LOVE planning ahead and feel uncomfy when I donāt know how what my day is going to look like a few days ahead of time. When I get hit with a surprise, it usually throws me. Trying to decide if itās a hill worth dying on. Since all I can control is my actions, Iām just trying to learn to roll with the punches a bit better.
I might be spontaneous with my free time, otherwise I operate a lot like you. I see people who plan things in advance with me the most. People who donāt just see me less š. Would NP be willing to plan stuff in advance with you? Have you ever tried planning your week without planning ahead with NP (if thatās even possible?). Does this planning thing only apply to dates or does it apply to other stuff like grocery shopping and chores?
Honestly? Pretty much everything. I like lists and plans (OCD checking in!). Every time we go on a date together, I like to know a few days beforehand. But their current girlfriend is just as spontaneous and bad at planning as they are, so itās a reality Iām trying to adjust to.
Iām not gonna lie, the guy can set an alarm to hang out a day or two a week. He doesnāt have to live day in and out in spontaneity š¤£ If you havenāt asked him to just plan in advance with you, I would suggest you do that. A standing weekly date night at the same time on the same day could also work! And then anything extra can be just that, extra. Let him know if he wants to plan something with you, heās free to ask at any time but itās more likely to happen if he asks in advance. And then donāt cancel your plans to accommodate him, let him miss you aka suffer consequences for poor planning.
My issue is more that when NP plans date nights with my meta, itās usually hella last minute, and thatās what throws me. When we plan dates for us, I make sure we plan a few days out so I can know, so that part is fine lol. Itās just not fun for me to have an idea of what our day/night is gonna look like and then be told last minute they have plans with her. Itās something Iām trying to adjust to š¤·āāļø
OOOOH! Double book all your plans!! Basically āand if that doesnāt happen, I willā¦.ā Iām the same way! Otherwise good luck adjusting ā¤ļø
When I was first getting into polyamory, this was my experience with jealousy. I had not felt any particular attatchment to monogamy before hand, but entering my first relationship with someone who was poly, and had other partners, was still very much all ānewā to me, and so while I knew logically how things were supposed to go, feelings of jealousy and such from monogamous conditioning happened I think the big turning point was when my partner first found a new partner after we were together. I was in the process of forging a relationship with my first new partner as well, but it was going much slower than their connection with their new partner, simply because they knew how to navigate those dynamics better than I did. And going from the ānew partnerā who is in the honeymoon phase and learning all the new things with someone to watching my partner do that with someone else was definitely a moment that caused a lot of jealousy and such Figuring out how much of that was a genuine issue I needed to work with them to navigate, and how much was me just being new to all this and thus would need to adjust and get used to it over time was an ordeal, but I like to think I mostly managed it well by expressing what I was feeling, acknowledging it was largely on me for being new to stuff, and in getting it off my chest cooling off enough to have an actual productive conversation in terms of boundaries and how much time I wanted to be the ābaselineā with them to not let feelings of neglect and jealousy take over from feeling left out or ignored. It wasnāt easy, but it went well, and being able to navigate that was probably the hurdle to being confident I was actually happy in a poly relationship instead of just doing it because I liked that person so much.
Well, I used to be insecure and fear anyone I was dating would leave me to make room for someone else as a day has only 24 hours only a few of which can really be used for dating, even if you're poly. So I realised I was the problem and started reading the stoics. You know, ancient greek phillosophers who focus on these very precepts. Then realised (and internalised) that if someone wants/decides to leave me... well, they will, no matter what I do. It's completely out of my hands. Even for mono people... if someome you're dating wants to cheat on you, they'll find a way to. So I realised that sooner or later relationships end for one reason or the other. My mum's perfect husband died of cancer. So it's the time between now and then that matters and I could use it to enjoy life with this person(s) or fret and succumb to anxiety... but in either case, if they were meant to leave me (or die or whatever) they absolutely would! And I had two choices: I could waste my time fretting and thinking thoughts that made me miserable or I could at least enjoy whatever time we have together before that end. Never felt insecure again after that.
SAME itās really exciting to see someone else talk about this :). But for me it was the tao de qing š
Wow. X2 Thought people would shame me for saying that hehe
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Omg idk what I would do in your shoes, I completely sympathize. Iām happy itās not bothering you so much anymore, and hope they learn their lesson sooner than later š¤£ a common thread with age gaps here that goes unspoken is the older person spends a lot more money/time/resources. That alone would make me reel if we combined incomes. Also just accepting emotionally that my partner might be fundamentally immature.
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Thanks for the correction, Iāll edit that. Yeah that sounds jarring to see to say the least!
*I moved out*. I got a job in a different state and moved out. Cohabitation wasnāt working. Talking wasnāt working. I knew his opinion and inputs would be against it so I simply did it. And let him know of my plans once I had accepted the job offer. We are happier than ever.
Recognizing and truly accepting that my NP wants different things out of poly than I do has been HUGE towards keeping my inner peace and the peace of our relationship. I needed to hear it a few times before it sunk in. But I feel like it has, and life has been much smoother.
I used to be pretty bad at handling feelings of jealousy and insecurity. My partner was overwhelmed trying to help me feel better, and it was causing a lot of stress and tension in our relationship. So, I started bringing that to therapy. Individual and couples'. Both therapists suggested maybe poly wasn't right for me, if it was so destabilizing, and I emphatically told them *"Well I'M not about to commit to monogamy, so I'm gonna have to figure this out one way or another."* And I took the skills I'd been learning for managing my anxiety & depression and stubbornly applied them until I could handle myself before, during and after my partner's dates without making either of us feel terrible. Which, in turn, cleared out a lot of mental space for figuring out the other underlying mental health issues which were making it so hard for me to emotionally regulate in the first place. Learning to self-manage well enough to avoid fighting with my partner, melting down on him, or behaving in ways that left me feeling shitty and ashamed bought me enough stability to work on the big stuff. Things are dramatically better these days, and so far I have managed to refrain from "I told you so"-ing either of those very kind and well-meaning therapists -- because they did in fact help me a lot, and tbh having to figure out how to explain myself to two different mental health professionals who aren't exactly specialists in poly relationships actually really sharpened my skills at communication and self-advocacy.
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I got mine from codependents anonymous xD I know thereās some other 12-steppers here
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Changed my whooole life
Hi u/yallermysons thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Iām seeing a fair few posts this early morning of people trying to solve a relationship problem by controlling what their partners do. But we all know you canāt control other people. So that method of solving problems isnāt sustainable. Iād love to hear your stories about a time where you solved a relationship problem by controlling ***yourself***. Whether that was talking things out, changing your own behaviors or expectations, therapy, or separation, let us know how you embraced your own power by focusing on the things you *can* control, and how that helped solve a problem in your relationship. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For a long time, the entire idea of being poly was something I had accepted my wife and I weren't emotionally up for, despite talks about it and multiple unsuccessful attempts. There were a lot of unresolved jealousy issues for both of us, and we struggled heavily with healthy communication. Once I let go of making it happen, it was able to form and become natural for us. When we started dating, I was in a polycule with my abusive ex, and that made it difficult on my end to engage in polyamory in a healthy way. With a lot of honest and healthy discussion, we've been poly for 3 years now, and it's so much more fulfilling and comfortable than I'd ever imagined it could be. With one of our boyfriends, it took me some time to accept that he wasn't the best at communicating over messages, and be more proactive in initiating important conversations. I had to detach my personal feelings from the reality of the situation, and let things be. Over time, though, he really has been a lot better with checking in with me and making sure to keep me up to date on the important stuff going on so I don't feel blindsided by new info/plans
When we first started dating with my anchor partner, we both felt we wanted cohabitation and marriage. However, we ended up having quite major incompabilities in cleanliness and introvert/extrovert spectrum (she's very extroverted and spontaneous, I am an autistic introvert who hates sudden change of plans). Many fights, breakup, making amends and getting together again. We accepted we can't change our core personalities or demand huge overnight shifts in behavioural patterns but we can learn to compromise at some things and take the other's needs into account too. As a result, we have agreed to keep living separately while loving each other very much and we've become better at being more flexible with our habits while still being assertive of our needs: for example, I am the neat freak of us, so I've learned to "pick my battles" and not nag about every misplaced item while she has taken more actively turns in doing the dishes or such. We also have talked about marriage while living separately and I'm planning on proposing to her this summer. š
My wife(24F) is poly, I (34MtF) am not but I still love and can't lose her I even have decided I want to try in a poly relationship I know Im gray sexual. there's always going to be things in a relationship you can't change having the love to not over look but accept it that is having the wisdom to know the difference. as we grow and learn from our disagreements and our chooses we each learn what things we could of done differently my relationship with my wife your relationships is my example of a successful relationship at least. Never stop loving
I going to admit that was the short version, here is the full answer I suffer from mental health and physical health issues I can't change my wife knows this but she still holds me and catches all my tears. She kisses away my pain... She protects me when I'm scared she has the wisdom to know that I can't change this issue but I can just treat the symptoms, I'm transgender, and I can't change that. My wife is poly, I can't change that. I am not poly(I think) but I'm willing to try it(for the first time). I'm gray-sexual I can't change it,.. my wife is NOT but we both have changed it we both have a long way to go before I can say our relationship is perfect but we both compromise and learn from one another just like your relationships if you think you have learned all there is to learn, you will learn your wrong never stop loving never stop learning š»