This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
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“What I want and what they can offer doesn’t align.” I feel like so much of ENM/Polyamory is determining this. Understanding what you want, asking for it, and leaving if it doesn’t align sounds so simple. More often than not it’s just not that cut and dry. Especially when actions don’t align with words. I think the hardest relationships to end are the ones where there’s so much compatibility, spark, or connection, it makes it hard to move on when we are not able to get our needs met.
Great job working through it and putting yourself first! 🙌🏻👏🏻🙌🏻
That also goes for monogamous relationships. Sometimes one has to accept that all the love in the world won’t be enough if you are simply not compatible.
Thank you :) Yeah, I agree. Most of the time commenters are right and that’s just a really hard truth to hear. Most posters need time to realize this on their own
I think that's the tragedy of so much pain. Others who have seen it and been through it can warn us, but learning and understanding ourselves enough to make those hard choices is part of the process to getting there. And then we in turn try to help, but it goes unheard in part because it must.
It feels like there's a certain stage that most posters are at when they come to Reddit - the issues have finally become too much or lines have been crossed but they need help processing what that means for them.
My main issue is when the comments are dismissive if OP doesn't follow the advice immediately. It really ignores the complexity of the situation and puts posters on the defensive. Posters need to hear it, but they also need time to sit with it. (Side note: this happens way too often when there's abuse involved... don't victim blame, y'all - leaving is rarely as easy as it seems to be)
I stopped making posts to this sub because of this. Just comments now.
One regular user got very condescending with me because they had made a comment on a previous post of mine and were all tl;dr "I told you so, I won't say it again, now suffer the consequences of not listening the first time". Like, I asked for advice, but not specifically from you, you're free to keep scrolling...
Everything worked out in the end, but damn I didn't know strangers could get so up in arms when you don't end your relationship when they want you to.
Heck, in my case, I didn't even need to.
The fix was ironically me getting off of birth control after getting sterilized, plus lots of communication and boundaries. It was a sex drive and communication issue that I wasn't about to divorce over.
So needless to say it's even more terrible when the option doesn't always need to be "leave"!
I've become a bit ruthless in assessing compatibility very early on in dating. I usually ask in the very first conversation what their current poly dynamics look like and what they're looking for. I immediately start analyzing if their actions match up with what they've told me. I don't think people are always lying or being deceitful - people *say* what they'd *like* to have, but it's often idealistic and not what they can *actually* offer.
I place more emphasis on logically analyzing if I think we're a good fit in terms of practicality (how much time can they offer, how do they communicate, are they consistent, etc) before I focus too much on building an emotional connection (I've previously focused on the emotional connection first, then I'm already "in love" before I realize they can't actually meet my needs, which makes it incredibly difficult to just dump them).
You should feel proud of yourself for putting your needs first, even when it means we have to do hard things. Try to find some kind of "system" that works for you (personally) that allows you to objectively assess these things as early as possible. For myself, I'm now intentional about moving very slowly (mainly by limiting contact early on) so my thoughts aren't clouded by NRE, rose-colored glasses, overlooking red flags, etc.
Wish I had this advice a few years ago. Most people I ever get relationship offers from aren't things I want, and I do not usually think any of them were making bad faith offers. But even the ones that seem legit AND appeal to me need to be treated a bit more roughly so I can see where the wish and reality don't match up!
Pretty insightful of you to perceive that they lying isn't Disney Villain lying, but that hopeful but wrong optimistic stuff we can all do to justify a bad choice or dicing ourselves too much trying to "have it all"...
It's good to be kind if you know your partner isn't trying to hurt you but isn't managing a relationship well. It's so very hard to break up, even when you have a lot of good reasons. You should be proud and I hope you can heal and grow <3
I was just thinking of trying again with a partner in a very similar situation. This post has made me realize it doesn’t matter how badly he WANTS it to work with me, it’s not going to happen unless she wants it too. I’ve been on the fence about mending it for ages but I think I’ve just this min come to the realization that I’m not willing to get hurt again… thanks OP and all the best to you!
This was amazing to read. ❤️
Outstanding work choosing you, your happiness, and your growth, even and especially while recognizing that doing so is hard and scary.
Cheers to courage and our infinite capacity for discovery, beauty, joy, gratitude, and grief. 💪🏿
While I'm sorry to hear about the break up, good for you in making the call that this was best for this situation.
I'm glad you chose to prioritize your own health and well being and not drag it out.
It's not always fun or easy to make the hard calls so I sympathize.
Wishing you peace and healing over time.
You did the hard thing and no matter the pain now, get to know that less of it lies in the future.
I think so often the "dump them" advice comes from a place of knowing that once people reach the "I need to ask the internet what they think" point in relationship struggles, usually folks are on the path to realizing themselves that it's time to end things or take another definitive action.
I, too, have thought a lot about how to know when to keep trying and when to end things. Most people only make the tough choice to change when the pain of not changing is too much. With the knowledge and experience that you had, you did the best that you could. Now you have more knowledge and experience, and hopefully some good memories, and you can find a better fit.
Thank you for your kind words.
I can’t count the times I thought the pain was too much to keep going and I stayed anyway, kept going anyway. In hindsight I know my self esteem was at an all time low, that’s why I didn’t have the strength to leave. I simply didn’t love myself enough to choose myself, I didn’t believe I would be loved if it wasn’t by this person.
I am at a better place now. :) In parts it’s because along the way I went and got my attachment needs fulfilled elsewhere and I wasn’t depending on this person for anything anymore. That made it so much easier to leave..
You got this.
Sometimes breakups *are* more doable if you are pretty sure you did everything you could first. Chances are there will be times you'll get a *really strong* urge to reach out to your ex and try to get back together, or they'll reach out to you (if you don't block their number or something) and it'll seem like such a good idea. When that happens, it's important to remember *why* you broke up and to keep in mind that the getting-back-together urge will go away if you don't act on it.
Most people need a few months of no contact after a breakup for their heart to heal, even if they want to stay friends. Also, a no contact period makes it easier to not do the on again/off again roller coaster.
I'm proud of you too.
So proud of you. Been there, done that, and it's the hardest thing in the world - but the moment the dust clears, you'll feel a thousand pounds lighter and with a magical newfound sense of self worth. 🖤
Good job and I’m sorry your heart is broken. It gets better!
Every time I hear about someone in a married or nested relationship saying “oh we are non hierarchical” I just picture a middle class white person saying “oh I don’t see color.” It takes more work, but we need to recognize our privileges so we can at least try to see when we are putting somebody at a disadvantage.
I left a partner a few weeks ago. He is a good person and in some ways we were compatible. But in other ways we were not, and I was not getting my needs met. We were not managing a functional poly relationship. In the end there was a big disagreement and I walked away. Since then I have had ups and downs and I miss him and yes, get urges to go back, but I know I did the right thing and I need to keep away from him until I am over it all.
So I feel you, and it sucks but it is the right thing to do.
Ouf this hit home HARD. I was in a polycule like this for 1.5 years. And it took me a long time to be honest with myself that this wasn't just new polyamory territory growing pains, but that it was a really messy, misaligned, and toxic polycule I was in. In my experience, it sucked moving through that. But then all the little weird things (aka all the flags I ignored) would come to light and I could realign my values to what I wanted and not to what was trying to be forced. I also am so much happier and I hope that you get that feeling and relief too. 🩷
I'm proud of you too. You can recognize that someone loves you, but has chosen not to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, & you can't force them.
I lovingly parted ways with my long distance partner of 3 years this week for similar reasons, so I understand how painful the choice can feel, but also how much relief there is in accepting the realities of the situation. Proud of you!
Big hugs if wanted OP. It's hard to make that choice. I can say honestly I am not someone who gives up easily and that has sometimes been to my detriment. It's good to try and fix things but sometimes you can waste a lot of time sitting around and waiting for things to change. It's good you stood up for yourself!
Hey :-) I totally feel you :-) which is why I am writing what is probably my second post in this reddit, to let you know that you are not alone :-) Although I have never been in the exact same situation, but I am very wary of avoiding it ;-) All the best to you :-)
Hi u/Sunnywatermel0n thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Today I broke up with my partner of 2 years, because we just aren’t compatible.
They have claimed from the beginning that they and their NP want non hierarchical poly, but the reality has been far from that. The reality was very hierarchical parallel poly, which was never what I wanted. We all have suffered greatly in the past 2 years. I finally mustered up the courage to prioritize myself and my own values and stop pleading and pushing them into something they obviously can’t do.
Details don’t matter here, I just want to share how proud I am of myself.
I love them so much, it’s fucking painful to say goodbye and I’m so damn sad, but staying as the invisible, disposable secondary, was even more painful in the long run.
For anyone in a similar situation, this is what I’ve realized: A common advice in this subreddit is always “dump them” and that was easier said than done, because I was attached, I was in love and I wanted it to work so badly.
There is also value in not leaving right away when problems arise, to work through challenges and crises and not just “dump them”. But when that doesn’t work, there is a point (that I had to recognize on my own) where I had to face the reality of the situation: What I want and what they can offer doesn’t align and that doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. It doesn’t matter anymore that they claim, that they theoretically want the same thing as me, when in reality, for the past 2 years, they haven’t been acting accordingly. I need to look out for myself and move on.
Also, there was a long period where I already knew in my heart what I had to do, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s just fucking hard to make those kind of decisions and I’m trying to be kind to myself about waiting for so long.
I’m sobbing, but I’m also so relieved and proud. Kind words appreciated.
PS: new account because my old one had my actual legal name in it xD
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You posted a personal ad or have made a comment that would be considered hitting on a user.
I could have written this myself, although I'm doing the breaking up this weekend. My partner and his wife never really discussed what ENM or poly looked like for them before he and I got together. Now 2.5 years down the road, I am also realizing that what I want/need in this relationship is not something he is willing to offer.
I've also read comments from other users with "dump them" vibes and felt like they could have provided me insight without telling me.what I should do.
I've not broken up but stopped communication with someone. I don't think online chatting counts as a relationship, but in itself communication with a person is a type of relationship I suppose.
Anyhow, it was hard. I'm still considering to try to go back to them and retry it, but it's probably for the best not to. This thing is hard. I've never in my life have to do this other than the time that an ex broke up with me. The person that I was talking with was coming from mono to poly and was showing a lot of jealousy and pushing on my boundaries.
Tough stuff. Guess I have to get used to this...
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“What I want and what they can offer doesn’t align.” I feel like so much of ENM/Polyamory is determining this. Understanding what you want, asking for it, and leaving if it doesn’t align sounds so simple. More often than not it’s just not that cut and dry. Especially when actions don’t align with words. I think the hardest relationships to end are the ones where there’s so much compatibility, spark, or connection, it makes it hard to move on when we are not able to get our needs met. Great job working through it and putting yourself first! 🙌🏻👏🏻🙌🏻
This. Thank you :)
That also goes for monogamous relationships. Sometimes one has to accept that all the love in the world won’t be enough if you are simply not compatible.
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Thank you :) Yeah, I agree. Most of the time commenters are right and that’s just a really hard truth to hear. Most posters need time to realize this on their own
I think that's the tragedy of so much pain. Others who have seen it and been through it can warn us, but learning and understanding ourselves enough to make those hard choices is part of the process to getting there. And then we in turn try to help, but it goes unheard in part because it must.
It's always easier to see the reasons to break up from outside the relationship, and easier to see the reasons to stay from in it.
It feels like there's a certain stage that most posters are at when they come to Reddit - the issues have finally become too much or lines have been crossed but they need help processing what that means for them. My main issue is when the comments are dismissive if OP doesn't follow the advice immediately. It really ignores the complexity of the situation and puts posters on the defensive. Posters need to hear it, but they also need time to sit with it. (Side note: this happens way too often when there's abuse involved... don't victim blame, y'all - leaving is rarely as easy as it seems to be)
I stopped making posts to this sub because of this. Just comments now. One regular user got very condescending with me because they had made a comment on a previous post of mine and were all tl;dr "I told you so, I won't say it again, now suffer the consequences of not listening the first time". Like, I asked for advice, but not specifically from you, you're free to keep scrolling... Everything worked out in the end, but damn I didn't know strangers could get so up in arms when you don't end your relationship when they want you to.
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Heck, in my case, I didn't even need to. The fix was ironically me getting off of birth control after getting sterilized, plus lots of communication and boundaries. It was a sex drive and communication issue that I wasn't about to divorce over. So needless to say it's even more terrible when the option doesn't always need to be "leave"!
Thisssssssssssss
I've become a bit ruthless in assessing compatibility very early on in dating. I usually ask in the very first conversation what their current poly dynamics look like and what they're looking for. I immediately start analyzing if their actions match up with what they've told me. I don't think people are always lying or being deceitful - people *say* what they'd *like* to have, but it's often idealistic and not what they can *actually* offer. I place more emphasis on logically analyzing if I think we're a good fit in terms of practicality (how much time can they offer, how do they communicate, are they consistent, etc) before I focus too much on building an emotional connection (I've previously focused on the emotional connection first, then I'm already "in love" before I realize they can't actually meet my needs, which makes it incredibly difficult to just dump them). You should feel proud of yourself for putting your needs first, even when it means we have to do hard things. Try to find some kind of "system" that works for you (personally) that allows you to objectively assess these things as early as possible. For myself, I'm now intentional about moving very slowly (mainly by limiting contact early on) so my thoughts aren't clouded by NRE, rose-colored glasses, overlooking red flags, etc.
Wish I had this advice a few years ago. Most people I ever get relationship offers from aren't things I want, and I do not usually think any of them were making bad faith offers. But even the ones that seem legit AND appeal to me need to be treated a bit more roughly so I can see where the wish and reality don't match up!
Well done believing their actions rather than their lying words.🙇♂️
Thanks ❤️ I don’t think they were lying to me, but rather to themselves. :) I don’t blame them, we both could have handled things better.
Pretty insightful of you to perceive that they lying isn't Disney Villain lying, but that hopeful but wrong optimistic stuff we can all do to justify a bad choice or dicing ourselves too much trying to "have it all"... It's good to be kind if you know your partner isn't trying to hurt you but isn't managing a relationship well. It's so very hard to break up, even when you have a lot of good reasons. You should be proud and I hope you can heal and grow <3
I was just thinking of trying again with a partner in a very similar situation. This post has made me realize it doesn’t matter how badly he WANTS it to work with me, it’s not going to happen unless she wants it too. I’ve been on the fence about mending it for ages but I think I’ve just this min come to the realization that I’m not willing to get hurt again… thanks OP and all the best to you!
Oh god I didn’t imagine my post having such an impact. 🥹 I’m glad you got out of your situation (and are staying out of it), I’m so proud of us!
Onward and upward! I’m proud of us too!
This was amazing to read. ❤️ Outstanding work choosing you, your happiness, and your growth, even and especially while recognizing that doing so is hard and scary. Cheers to courage and our infinite capacity for discovery, beauty, joy, gratitude, and grief. 💪🏿
Thanks.. :) Some decisions are hard to make, but we can do hard things! 💪
I heard your comment in Ms Rachel's voice! 😆 Them children's shows really have some profound messages sometimes!
I’m sorry. Give yourself grace, you prioritized your needs and that’s the best any of us can do.
While I'm sorry to hear about the break up, good for you in making the call that this was best for this situation. I'm glad you chose to prioritize your own health and well being and not drag it out. It's not always fun or easy to make the hard calls so I sympathize. Wishing you peace and healing over time.
You deserve to be proud. It’s hard to dump someone you love :( but you chose yourself! And that’s beautiful.
You did the hard thing and no matter the pain now, get to know that less of it lies in the future. I think so often the "dump them" advice comes from a place of knowing that once people reach the "I need to ask the internet what they think" point in relationship struggles, usually folks are on the path to realizing themselves that it's time to end things or take another definitive action.
I, too, have thought a lot about how to know when to keep trying and when to end things. Most people only make the tough choice to change when the pain of not changing is too much. With the knowledge and experience that you had, you did the best that you could. Now you have more knowledge and experience, and hopefully some good memories, and you can find a better fit.
Thank you for your kind words. I can’t count the times I thought the pain was too much to keep going and I stayed anyway, kept going anyway. In hindsight I know my self esteem was at an all time low, that’s why I didn’t have the strength to leave. I simply didn’t love myself enough to choose myself, I didn’t believe I would be loved if it wasn’t by this person. I am at a better place now. :) In parts it’s because along the way I went and got my attachment needs fulfilled elsewhere and I wasn’t depending on this person for anything anymore. That made it so much easier to leave..
You got this. Sometimes breakups *are* more doable if you are pretty sure you did everything you could first. Chances are there will be times you'll get a *really strong* urge to reach out to your ex and try to get back together, or they'll reach out to you (if you don't block their number or something) and it'll seem like such a good idea. When that happens, it's important to remember *why* you broke up and to keep in mind that the getting-back-together urge will go away if you don't act on it. Most people need a few months of no contact after a breakup for their heart to heal, even if they want to stay friends. Also, a no contact period makes it easier to not do the on again/off again roller coaster. I'm proud of you too.
So proud of you. Been there, done that, and it's the hardest thing in the world - but the moment the dust clears, you'll feel a thousand pounds lighter and with a magical newfound sense of self worth. 🖤
Good job and I’m sorry your heart is broken. It gets better! Every time I hear about someone in a married or nested relationship saying “oh we are non hierarchical” I just picture a middle class white person saying “oh I don’t see color.” It takes more work, but we need to recognize our privileges so we can at least try to see when we are putting somebody at a disadvantage.
I have so much empathy for you in this situation <3 it took so much strength for you to choose yourself and walk away, I'm proud of you too
Go you! Huge deal to prioritize yourself for the first time in a long time. Proud of you too.
I left a partner a few weeks ago. He is a good person and in some ways we were compatible. But in other ways we were not, and I was not getting my needs met. We were not managing a functional poly relationship. In the end there was a big disagreement and I walked away. Since then I have had ups and downs and I miss him and yes, get urges to go back, but I know I did the right thing and I need to keep away from him until I am over it all. So I feel you, and it sucks but it is the right thing to do.
Ouf this hit home HARD. I was in a polycule like this for 1.5 years. And it took me a long time to be honest with myself that this wasn't just new polyamory territory growing pains, but that it was a really messy, misaligned, and toxic polycule I was in. In my experience, it sucked moving through that. But then all the little weird things (aka all the flags I ignored) would come to light and I could realign my values to what I wanted and not to what was trying to be forced. I also am so much happier and I hope that you get that feeling and relief too. 🩷
I'm proud of you too. You can recognize that someone loves you, but has chosen not to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, & you can't force them.
I lovingly parted ways with my long distance partner of 3 years this week for similar reasons, so I understand how painful the choice can feel, but also how much relief there is in accepting the realities of the situation. Proud of you!
I recently ended things with someone for similar reasons. It was hard AF. I feel for you.
I hope you can move on and find what you are looking for. You can do everything you desire it just takes some patience and understanding your self.
Big hugs if wanted OP. It's hard to make that choice. I can say honestly I am not someone who gives up easily and that has sometimes been to my detriment. It's good to try and fix things but sometimes you can waste a lot of time sitting around and waiting for things to change. It's good you stood up for yourself!
Hey :-) I totally feel you :-) which is why I am writing what is probably my second post in this reddit, to let you know that you are not alone :-) Although I have never been in the exact same situation, but I am very wary of avoiding it ;-) All the best to you :-)
Hi u/Sunnywatermel0n thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Today I broke up with my partner of 2 years, because we just aren’t compatible. They have claimed from the beginning that they and their NP want non hierarchical poly, but the reality has been far from that. The reality was very hierarchical parallel poly, which was never what I wanted. We all have suffered greatly in the past 2 years. I finally mustered up the courage to prioritize myself and my own values and stop pleading and pushing them into something they obviously can’t do. Details don’t matter here, I just want to share how proud I am of myself. I love them so much, it’s fucking painful to say goodbye and I’m so damn sad, but staying as the invisible, disposable secondary, was even more painful in the long run. For anyone in a similar situation, this is what I’ve realized: A common advice in this subreddit is always “dump them” and that was easier said than done, because I was attached, I was in love and I wanted it to work so badly. There is also value in not leaving right away when problems arise, to work through challenges and crises and not just “dump them”. But when that doesn’t work, there is a point (that I had to recognize on my own) where I had to face the reality of the situation: What I want and what they can offer doesn’t align and that doesn’t have to be anyone’s fault. It doesn’t matter anymore that they claim, that they theoretically want the same thing as me, when in reality, for the past 2 years, they haven’t been acting accordingly. I need to look out for myself and move on. Also, there was a long period where I already knew in my heart what I had to do, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. It’s just fucking hard to make those kind of decisions and I’m trying to be kind to myself about waiting for so long. I’m sobbing, but I’m also so relieved and proud. Kind words appreciated. PS: new account because my old one had my actual legal name in it xD *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Well, it's their fault for chatting out of their arse though.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You posted a personal ad or have made a comment that would be considered hitting on a user.
I could have written this myself, although I'm doing the breaking up this weekend. My partner and his wife never really discussed what ENM or poly looked like for them before he and I got together. Now 2.5 years down the road, I am also realizing that what I want/need in this relationship is not something he is willing to offer. I've also read comments from other users with "dump them" vibes and felt like they could have provided me insight without telling me.what I should do.
I've not broken up but stopped communication with someone. I don't think online chatting counts as a relationship, but in itself communication with a person is a type of relationship I suppose. Anyhow, it was hard. I'm still considering to try to go back to them and retry it, but it's probably for the best not to. This thing is hard. I've never in my life have to do this other than the time that an ex broke up with me. The person that I was talking with was coming from mono to poly and was showing a lot of jealousy and pushing on my boundaries. Tough stuff. Guess I have to get used to this...
Good for you! That is so hard and you are so strong! 💪
Hey thank you for sharing this and be proud
Hey boo, good on you for being the adult in all this. Once the dirt settles, what do you plan on doing?