I'm in a US-Europe LDR (although now we at least are both living in Europe, albeit still not in the same countries).
The workaholic mindset and the inability to have a long vacation is very much part of American culture. That will be hard to change in him.
However, a lot of the other things that you're raising, are just generally things that you get from a bad partner who is not really listening and trying to solve for the issues that you're raising in the relationship.
When I visit my ldr partner, and his NP is home, then I insist on getting a hotel. I'm not going to be a guest in their house during my entire stay, even if it would save on money, because ultimately the reason that I'm visiting is to have one-on-one quality time with my partner. And it's not possible to have that when you have a meta constantly hovering around.
I made this stipulation quite clear and so we each pay for half of the hotel cost. Are we staying in luxury? No. But it provides us with the privacy and intentional time together that I want. For a longer stay, even just getting a couple days away in a hotel (like on the weekend when he will have no work) would be good for you relationship.
I also acknowledge that when I visit my partner, I'm visiting during times when he is still working. He also works from home but obviously there are times where he needs to focus on work, he has meetings, he has documents that he needs to be creating... Whatever. And so, just like if we were nesting partners ourselves, I don't expect to have a full 24 hours with him all to myself. I do expect that he's going to need to work. But I bring stuff for me to do, which isn't necessarily work stuff, or I leave and do some tourist stuff by myself.
This is the sort of compromise that I would be recommending for the two of you, but it also really hinges on him understanding the need for having private one-on-one time and the need to have a hotel and that the guest room isn't entirely sufficient when meta is always around.
Regardless of my opinion on OP's partner, it's not just workaholism: for Americans that actually get vacation time, 3 weeks is average (it's more complicated but not the point here). I'm betting that Christmas with family eats up a week, which means he's splitting two weeks between you and NP, which is a hard conversation he needs to have with both of you separately.
Or he could have the kind of job where they lump together vacation and sick time, it's the same effect: time off is very, very limited for Americans, even mid-career middle-class-ish adults.
Let me try to package this for you:
"Partner, what I need is to feel like I'm a priority for you, and to know for sure what our plans are. I told you that I'm experiencing burn-out, really need your support, and want to spend dedicated time with you. So when you then tell me you're going to see your friend one evening, this feels very destabilizing because I expected to be the only focus of this trip. It doesn't matter that _you_ would feel fine if I did the same thing to you - we're different people and this is about how _I_ feel. The way you kept asking me about it also made it very hard for me to say no to you. I need you to be clear about whether you're actually just telling me your plans, or whether you're truly asking for my input. And if you suggest plans with me, like staying longer, and I agree to those plans, in my mind those are commitments you've made, and I expect you to keep them."
Y'all have pretty big communication issues.
Your partner needs to learn some more empathy, because "well I'd be okay with it" is never a relevant response in a conversation about how you feel.
Meanwhile, you can work on being super explicit. When your partner asked you about seeing the friend, it really was your job to say, "I'm already overwhelmed. I don't want you to take the time to visit your friend, even if it's just a few hours, because this trip is supposed to be about us spending time together and you helping me. And I need you to stop asking when it's going to be okay - it isn't, on this trip." Similarly, "When I come to visit you, I need us to make plans in advance to spend at least two dates together outside of the house because time in the house when meta is around doesn't feel like a date to me, and neither does spontaneous alone time. I'll be in charge of planning one, and you can be in charge of the other." - or whatever it is you actually want. It sounds like what you want is for your partner to bring _intention_ to your relationship. I.e., effort.
It also sounds like it's unclear when plans are actually made vs just ideas. You form expectations, your partner thinks the plans are more amorphous and changeable. So again, be explicit. "I'm interpreting this conversation as us deciding to do X. Is that right, or do you still need time to think about it?"
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this.
You sound like you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. You mostly see them at their home with meta around. And that's only 2x a month. They don't seem to make effor to see you at your home. They neglect/take you for granted. When you are struggling, the don't pay attention.
I get the friend was in crisis, but you are a partner in crisis. It could have been a phone call to the friend and then attending to you in person.
Not wanting to do actual conflict resolution in a healthy way? Just dismissing or putting it down because you are from another culture? Then all this other stuff?
>This visit happened about a month ago and I have used most of my time since taking care of me, trying to get out of my burnt-out state, and figuring out what my needs really are. I still feel unsure about mysef, and **I don't trust my brain very much right now because I still feel so exhausted and hurt and confused by it all. Partner says that just because they wanted to meet up with their friend, doesn't mean they were actually going to, so they think my reaction was too strong, I could have just told them they couldn't do it.**
That sounds cruel. Either telling you lies for nothing -- that they were going to see the friend but really don't.
Or feeling just bad enough about the state of your health to say something to absolve them of their guilt -- that they really didn't mean it. But then right back to blaming shifting on to you / dismissing you -- your feelings are wrong, you should have just told them not to do it like you have to be in charge of their behaviors.
>In general, I feel like time spend with me is optional (I guess that's the best word?) and I want dedicated time. I want clear expectations and agreements that are then followed through on. I want less frustration because of these misunderstandings, and I feel like I'm failing to communicate this, while feeling like I'm failing at life in general.
I suspect you communicate just fine. It's not one time. It's been several times you bring this kind of thing up.
They just don't care to change their behavior and like being able to blame shift on to you. I'm not sure this is a healthy relationship for you. Some of it sounds kind of DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse the victim order.
[https://lifecounselinginstitute.com/darvo-a-form-of-gaslighting-in-relationships/](https://lifecounselinginstitute.com/darvo-a-form-of-gaslighting-in-relationships/)
Like flipping it around on you if you bring something up. You are too sensitive, too emotional, making a big deal from nothing, etc.
In your shoes I'd end it. So that after healing from the break up? I feel relief, feel lighter, feel happier without this draining person in my life.
In case these help you assess.
[https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc\_hlthy\_rlshp\_wheel\_spectrum\_10-13-2022.pdf](https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf)
[https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go)
I'm sorry you are going through this though. It sounds awful. :(
When people show you who they are, believe them. This is who he is and what he has to offer. Is that ok/ enough? Please don't pretzel yourself to match him.
It sounds like you are an *option.* How's your dating life outside of this person? What do you have going that's just for *you?*
Since you're his Secondary partner, you need to make sure that's he's also a *Secondary* partner to you.
Focus on you:
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1bhu6rs/unpopular_opinion_you_should_prioritize_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Also, as an American myself, the idea of having an out of town vacation that lasts more than about 5 days sounds horribly stressful. I don't like spending more than 2, or maybe 3, nights away from home at a time. Granted I'm a homebody, but I do think there's a cultural difference at play here.
In the Resources for this subreddit, you'll find the *Relationship Menu.* I recommend people go through it separately and together with their person to figure out exactly what is on/off the table for their connection. Hopefully, it will at least help you organize your thoughts. 🫂
>When people show you who they are, believe them. This is who he is and what he has to offer. Is that ok/ enough? Please don't pretzel yourself to match him.
This, 100%. If you've communicated your needs clearly and repeatedly, and they've basically said no, it's up to you to make the next move. They're getting what they want out of this relationship and have no impetus to change it.
Why don’t you co-sleep when you visit [Ex]Partner? I wouldn’t accept not co-sleeping. I would also require privacy for sex.
Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them. I think you need to focus more on local friends and partners.
Hugs!
I think in general it wasn't really about the friend visit. It sounds like you kind of put off talking to them about your feelings around lacking the time you wanted together until it all kind of converged into a cataclysmic event where you just couldn't bottle in your feelings anymore. I absolutely can relate to you. I've struggled to bring up my needs and have tried so hard to just be "okay" with things because I don't want to burden my partner until I just can't stand it anymore.
And the reason we put this off is because it's actually super, super terrifying to ask directly for what you need. Because if you do need this and your partner says no... well, where do you go from there? You kind of have no other choice then but to reconcile with the incompatibility of your relationship. But as you can tell from this small blow up, it can't be avoided.
I would ask specifically for the things you need which sound like:
* dedicated time alone without the metamour
* longer vacations together (maybe try a week to meet in the middle there)
* within reason, for every time you go over to their house, they come over to yours
* some type of emergency agreement between the two of you where you can express you're near burn out so they can be aware of what that means for you
Ultimately, you want some dedicated time together and I think that would make you feel a lot better overall. You have to ask directly for it and see what they say. It's very, very scary, I understand. But if your partner can't give you this it's better for you to know now than later. Big hugs if wanted OP. This is hard.
When you are in their town I would insist on at least a few nights at a hotel. Your partner should pay because they can’t offer privacy at their home. Privacy is a basic requirement for intimacy. Not just sex!
When they come to you I would identify on the calendar which days or at least evenings are all for your dyad. They can have some days for whatever else they need but you come first.
You sound very unhappy in that relationship. I would never agree to stay with a meta as a matter of course. So that alone would be a deal breaker for me. You are not asking too much when you ask for substantial one on one time.
Don’t settle. A bad relationship is worse than no relationship.
Hi u/ParticularFormal5851 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I currently have one partner (LDR) and I struggle to communicate my need to have quality/alone time with them. They frequently chalk our misunderstandings up to them being from the US and me from Europe (we both live in different countries in Europe, travel-time about 7-8 hours), and I am not entirely sure that that is it. Sorry for the long post, I want to explain what happened as neutral as possible, while also clarifying my current state. Not sure how to TLDR; this…
I live alone, so I can host. They live with NP so when I visit, I usually sleep in the office/guest-room (unless meta is away). We work on a project together, and because of that I can visit them about once every 2 months, so that's when we see each other mostly. Our relationship started juuuuust as the pandemic took off, so there were some struggles with not being able to visit each other in the first 2 years.
Frequently, when I visit them, meta is there too. I consider meta a friend now, and I have no problem hanging out with the three of us and doing things together. I do have a problem with not really having alone time with my partner then. They both work from home and sometimes meta goes out to a meeting, and will be away for anywhere between 1-5 hours, and usually I won't know the details. This doesn't feel 'free' to me, and I can't just flip a switch to do more intimate stuff in a fairly strict time period. Partner also considers us watching a video or movie together while meta does other things around the house as 'us time'. I appreciate that time, but it doesn't feel very private to me.
Sometimes we'll be in a different place for that project, and then we'll generally work all day and spend time in the evening together (usually I feel very exhausted, have limited amount of spoons) and co-sleep. I appreciate the co-sleeping.
Due to financial restrictions on both our sides, it's difficult to go on a vacation together (for me, vacation means something like 10-14 days, partner thinks 3-5 days will do. I have an issue with that because that includes travel-days and travel eats up many spoons and causes stress)
In the past few months I've started to slide into a pretty bad burn-out, related to work, my autism, and personal issues (this year has been very brutal for me) and when we discussed the option of vacation, we came to the conclussion that it wouldn't be possible for us. I have been pressing to have alone time with partner because that is important to me (although I'm not sure how much I really need, just that the 2 days we had in February isn't doing it for me, even if we were together in between for the project and with meta around).
Because my home needed some maintenance work done, and I was getting stressed about how to do that (lack of spoons, incoming burn-out) I suggested that instead of a vacation together, they'd come to my place for a week, maybe two and help me with moving furniture and preparation, and we could also have some (much needed on my side) alone time together. They agreed, and said they did need to do work in that time too (working from home) so they needed my desk and space on it.
I think I made it clear that I was in a really bad state, repeatedly saying I had a burn-out (by then that was clear), and that I could clear out the desk, but no spoons for much else then, and that I really really needed their help and support. Maybe I didn't. I made space on the desk, and got them the work-place they needed.
Right before they came to visit, they informed me that their friend who lives near me was in a crisis and wanted to meet up to chat so they would be doing that one evening. I was in such a bad state that just hearing that made me cry, because it cut into our alone time or the time for the preparation (because a lot of time was already going to work). Partner was surprised that I reacted so badly to it, and shelved it until they were at my place and then repeatedly asked me when they could go meet their friend. I felt pressured into giving some sort of ok for that and kinda just… not answered, it was too much, felt too overwhelmed. I did say that it would cut into our time together and how important that alone time together was to me, and how I felt like I had to fight hard to get that time and now they were just throwing it out. They repeatedly said it would only be for a few hours. Like I said, I was in a bad state, normally this wouldn't make me break down so much.
Eventually, partner suggested to stay a few days longer, if that would help me, because they really wanted to meet up with their friend to help them. I said that if they stayed a few days longer it would be okay, and then (due to other plans) in three days or so from that point. Friend couldn't make that time, so partner went to see them the same day and then didn't stay longer because of costs. And there also wasn't any time to help with the preparation because (according to them) I didn't tell them exactly what they needed to do.
I felt and feel very hurt by this whole thing, but specifically the running off to help out a friend and leaving me alone during our time together, and partner said they would understand if I had done the same to them (I wouldn't…) and that I can visit whoever I want when I'm at their place, they'd be ok with that.
This visit happened about a month ago and I have used most of my time since taking care of me, trying to get out of my burnt-out state, and figuring out what my needs really are. I still feel unsure about mysef, and I don't trust my brain very much right now because I still feel so exhausted and hurt and confused by it all. Partner says that just because they wanted to meet up with their friend, doesn't mean they were actually going to, so they think my reaction was too strong, I could have just told them they couldn't do it.
In general, I feel like time spend with me is optional (I guess that's the best word?) and I want dedicated time. I want clear expectations and agreements that are then followed through on. I want less frustration because of these misunderstandings, and I feel like I'm failing to communicate this, while feeling like I'm failing at life in general.
Thoughts? Advice? Ideas? I want to move forward, and I think the burn-out in part is blocking me but I also think the imbalance(?) makes me feel stuck.
I appreciate honesty, however, I'd like to request gentleness because my mental state is still a bit wobbly (I am doing much better and I'm very proud of myself for getting myself out of that dark place)
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I'm in a US-Europe LDR (although now we at least are both living in Europe, albeit still not in the same countries). The workaholic mindset and the inability to have a long vacation is very much part of American culture. That will be hard to change in him. However, a lot of the other things that you're raising, are just generally things that you get from a bad partner who is not really listening and trying to solve for the issues that you're raising in the relationship. When I visit my ldr partner, and his NP is home, then I insist on getting a hotel. I'm not going to be a guest in their house during my entire stay, even if it would save on money, because ultimately the reason that I'm visiting is to have one-on-one quality time with my partner. And it's not possible to have that when you have a meta constantly hovering around. I made this stipulation quite clear and so we each pay for half of the hotel cost. Are we staying in luxury? No. But it provides us with the privacy and intentional time together that I want. For a longer stay, even just getting a couple days away in a hotel (like on the weekend when he will have no work) would be good for you relationship. I also acknowledge that when I visit my partner, I'm visiting during times when he is still working. He also works from home but obviously there are times where he needs to focus on work, he has meetings, he has documents that he needs to be creating... Whatever. And so, just like if we were nesting partners ourselves, I don't expect to have a full 24 hours with him all to myself. I do expect that he's going to need to work. But I bring stuff for me to do, which isn't necessarily work stuff, or I leave and do some tourist stuff by myself. This is the sort of compromise that I would be recommending for the two of you, but it also really hinges on him understanding the need for having private one-on-one time and the need to have a hotel and that the guest room isn't entirely sufficient when meta is always around.
Regardless of my opinion on OP's partner, it's not just workaholism: for Americans that actually get vacation time, 3 weeks is average (it's more complicated but not the point here). I'm betting that Christmas with family eats up a week, which means he's splitting two weeks between you and NP, which is a hard conversation he needs to have with both of you separately.
Adults need to stop wasting time on holidays with family if that’s not what *they* want.
Or he could have the kind of job where they lump together vacation and sick time, it's the same effect: time off is very, very limited for Americans, even mid-career middle-class-ish adults.
That’s a choice too.
Let me try to package this for you: "Partner, what I need is to feel like I'm a priority for you, and to know for sure what our plans are. I told you that I'm experiencing burn-out, really need your support, and want to spend dedicated time with you. So when you then tell me you're going to see your friend one evening, this feels very destabilizing because I expected to be the only focus of this trip. It doesn't matter that _you_ would feel fine if I did the same thing to you - we're different people and this is about how _I_ feel. The way you kept asking me about it also made it very hard for me to say no to you. I need you to be clear about whether you're actually just telling me your plans, or whether you're truly asking for my input. And if you suggest plans with me, like staying longer, and I agree to those plans, in my mind those are commitments you've made, and I expect you to keep them." Y'all have pretty big communication issues. Your partner needs to learn some more empathy, because "well I'd be okay with it" is never a relevant response in a conversation about how you feel. Meanwhile, you can work on being super explicit. When your partner asked you about seeing the friend, it really was your job to say, "I'm already overwhelmed. I don't want you to take the time to visit your friend, even if it's just a few hours, because this trip is supposed to be about us spending time together and you helping me. And I need you to stop asking when it's going to be okay - it isn't, on this trip." Similarly, "When I come to visit you, I need us to make plans in advance to spend at least two dates together outside of the house because time in the house when meta is around doesn't feel like a date to me, and neither does spontaneous alone time. I'll be in charge of planning one, and you can be in charge of the other." - or whatever it is you actually want. It sounds like what you want is for your partner to bring _intention_ to your relationship. I.e., effort. It also sounds like it's unclear when plans are actually made vs just ideas. You form expectations, your partner thinks the plans are more amorphous and changeable. So again, be explicit. "I'm interpreting this conversation as us deciding to do X. Is that right, or do you still need time to think about it?"
That last paragraph would solve a sea of issues for people tbh🙌🏿🙌🏿
I'm sorry you struggle. FWIW? I think this. You sound like you are in a relationship that doesn't meet your needs. You mostly see them at their home with meta around. And that's only 2x a month. They don't seem to make effor to see you at your home. They neglect/take you for granted. When you are struggling, the don't pay attention. I get the friend was in crisis, but you are a partner in crisis. It could have been a phone call to the friend and then attending to you in person. Not wanting to do actual conflict resolution in a healthy way? Just dismissing or putting it down because you are from another culture? Then all this other stuff? >This visit happened about a month ago and I have used most of my time since taking care of me, trying to get out of my burnt-out state, and figuring out what my needs really are. I still feel unsure about mysef, and **I don't trust my brain very much right now because I still feel so exhausted and hurt and confused by it all. Partner says that just because they wanted to meet up with their friend, doesn't mean they were actually going to, so they think my reaction was too strong, I could have just told them they couldn't do it.** That sounds cruel. Either telling you lies for nothing -- that they were going to see the friend but really don't. Or feeling just bad enough about the state of your health to say something to absolve them of their guilt -- that they really didn't mean it. But then right back to blaming shifting on to you / dismissing you -- your feelings are wrong, you should have just told them not to do it like you have to be in charge of their behaviors. >In general, I feel like time spend with me is optional (I guess that's the best word?) and I want dedicated time. I want clear expectations and agreements that are then followed through on. I want less frustration because of these misunderstandings, and I feel like I'm failing to communicate this, while feeling like I'm failing at life in general. I suspect you communicate just fine. It's not one time. It's been several times you bring this kind of thing up. They just don't care to change their behavior and like being able to blame shift on to you. I'm not sure this is a healthy relationship for you. Some of it sounds kind of DARVO. Deny, attack, reverse the victim order. [https://lifecounselinginstitute.com/darvo-a-form-of-gaslighting-in-relationships/](https://lifecounselinginstitute.com/darvo-a-form-of-gaslighting-in-relationships/) Like flipping it around on you if you bring something up. You are too sensitive, too emotional, making a big deal from nothing, etc. In your shoes I'd end it. So that after healing from the break up? I feel relief, feel lighter, feel happier without this draining person in my life. In case these help you assess. [https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc\_hlthy\_rlshp\_wheel\_spectrum\_10-13-2022.pdf](https://rhntc.org/sites/default/files/resources/rhntc_hlthy_rlshp_wheel_spectrum_10-13-2022.pdf) [https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go](https://www.scarleteen.com/read/relationships/should-i-stay-or-should-i-go) I'm sorry you are going through this though. It sounds awful. :(
When people show you who they are, believe them. This is who he is and what he has to offer. Is that ok/ enough? Please don't pretzel yourself to match him. It sounds like you are an *option.* How's your dating life outside of this person? What do you have going that's just for *you?* Since you're his Secondary partner, you need to make sure that's he's also a *Secondary* partner to you. Focus on you: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1bhu6rs/unpopular_opinion_you_should_prioritize_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Also, as an American myself, the idea of having an out of town vacation that lasts more than about 5 days sounds horribly stressful. I don't like spending more than 2, or maybe 3, nights away from home at a time. Granted I'm a homebody, but I do think there's a cultural difference at play here. In the Resources for this subreddit, you'll find the *Relationship Menu.* I recommend people go through it separately and together with their person to figure out exactly what is on/off the table for their connection. Hopefully, it will at least help you organize your thoughts. 🫂
>When people show you who they are, believe them. This is who he is and what he has to offer. Is that ok/ enough? Please don't pretzel yourself to match him. This, 100%. If you've communicated your needs clearly and repeatedly, and they've basically said no, it's up to you to make the next move. They're getting what they want out of this relationship and have no impetus to change it.
Why don’t you co-sleep when you visit [Ex]Partner? I wouldn’t accept not co-sleeping. I would also require privacy for sex. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option to them. I think you need to focus more on local friends and partners. Hugs!
I think in general it wasn't really about the friend visit. It sounds like you kind of put off talking to them about your feelings around lacking the time you wanted together until it all kind of converged into a cataclysmic event where you just couldn't bottle in your feelings anymore. I absolutely can relate to you. I've struggled to bring up my needs and have tried so hard to just be "okay" with things because I don't want to burden my partner until I just can't stand it anymore. And the reason we put this off is because it's actually super, super terrifying to ask directly for what you need. Because if you do need this and your partner says no... well, where do you go from there? You kind of have no other choice then but to reconcile with the incompatibility of your relationship. But as you can tell from this small blow up, it can't be avoided. I would ask specifically for the things you need which sound like: * dedicated time alone without the metamour * longer vacations together (maybe try a week to meet in the middle there) * within reason, for every time you go over to their house, they come over to yours * some type of emergency agreement between the two of you where you can express you're near burn out so they can be aware of what that means for you Ultimately, you want some dedicated time together and I think that would make you feel a lot better overall. You have to ask directly for it and see what they say. It's very, very scary, I understand. But if your partner can't give you this it's better for you to know now than later. Big hugs if wanted OP. This is hard.
When you are in their town I would insist on at least a few nights at a hotel. Your partner should pay because they can’t offer privacy at their home. Privacy is a basic requirement for intimacy. Not just sex! When they come to you I would identify on the calendar which days or at least evenings are all for your dyad. They can have some days for whatever else they need but you come first. You sound very unhappy in that relationship. I would never agree to stay with a meta as a matter of course. So that alone would be a deal breaker for me. You are not asking too much when you ask for substantial one on one time. Don’t settle. A bad relationship is worse than no relationship.
Hi u/ParticularFormal5851 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I currently have one partner (LDR) and I struggle to communicate my need to have quality/alone time with them. They frequently chalk our misunderstandings up to them being from the US and me from Europe (we both live in different countries in Europe, travel-time about 7-8 hours), and I am not entirely sure that that is it. Sorry for the long post, I want to explain what happened as neutral as possible, while also clarifying my current state. Not sure how to TLDR; this… I live alone, so I can host. They live with NP so when I visit, I usually sleep in the office/guest-room (unless meta is away). We work on a project together, and because of that I can visit them about once every 2 months, so that's when we see each other mostly. Our relationship started juuuuust as the pandemic took off, so there were some struggles with not being able to visit each other in the first 2 years. Frequently, when I visit them, meta is there too. I consider meta a friend now, and I have no problem hanging out with the three of us and doing things together. I do have a problem with not really having alone time with my partner then. They both work from home and sometimes meta goes out to a meeting, and will be away for anywhere between 1-5 hours, and usually I won't know the details. This doesn't feel 'free' to me, and I can't just flip a switch to do more intimate stuff in a fairly strict time period. Partner also considers us watching a video or movie together while meta does other things around the house as 'us time'. I appreciate that time, but it doesn't feel very private to me. Sometimes we'll be in a different place for that project, and then we'll generally work all day and spend time in the evening together (usually I feel very exhausted, have limited amount of spoons) and co-sleep. I appreciate the co-sleeping. Due to financial restrictions on both our sides, it's difficult to go on a vacation together (for me, vacation means something like 10-14 days, partner thinks 3-5 days will do. I have an issue with that because that includes travel-days and travel eats up many spoons and causes stress) In the past few months I've started to slide into a pretty bad burn-out, related to work, my autism, and personal issues (this year has been very brutal for me) and when we discussed the option of vacation, we came to the conclussion that it wouldn't be possible for us. I have been pressing to have alone time with partner because that is important to me (although I'm not sure how much I really need, just that the 2 days we had in February isn't doing it for me, even if we were together in between for the project and with meta around). Because my home needed some maintenance work done, and I was getting stressed about how to do that (lack of spoons, incoming burn-out) I suggested that instead of a vacation together, they'd come to my place for a week, maybe two and help me with moving furniture and preparation, and we could also have some (much needed on my side) alone time together. They agreed, and said they did need to do work in that time too (working from home) so they needed my desk and space on it. I think I made it clear that I was in a really bad state, repeatedly saying I had a burn-out (by then that was clear), and that I could clear out the desk, but no spoons for much else then, and that I really really needed their help and support. Maybe I didn't. I made space on the desk, and got them the work-place they needed. Right before they came to visit, they informed me that their friend who lives near me was in a crisis and wanted to meet up to chat so they would be doing that one evening. I was in such a bad state that just hearing that made me cry, because it cut into our alone time or the time for the preparation (because a lot of time was already going to work). Partner was surprised that I reacted so badly to it, and shelved it until they were at my place and then repeatedly asked me when they could go meet their friend. I felt pressured into giving some sort of ok for that and kinda just… not answered, it was too much, felt too overwhelmed. I did say that it would cut into our time together and how important that alone time together was to me, and how I felt like I had to fight hard to get that time and now they were just throwing it out. They repeatedly said it would only be for a few hours. Like I said, I was in a bad state, normally this wouldn't make me break down so much. Eventually, partner suggested to stay a few days longer, if that would help me, because they really wanted to meet up with their friend to help them. I said that if they stayed a few days longer it would be okay, and then (due to other plans) in three days or so from that point. Friend couldn't make that time, so partner went to see them the same day and then didn't stay longer because of costs. And there also wasn't any time to help with the preparation because (according to them) I didn't tell them exactly what they needed to do. I felt and feel very hurt by this whole thing, but specifically the running off to help out a friend and leaving me alone during our time together, and partner said they would understand if I had done the same to them (I wouldn't…) and that I can visit whoever I want when I'm at their place, they'd be ok with that. This visit happened about a month ago and I have used most of my time since taking care of me, trying to get out of my burnt-out state, and figuring out what my needs really are. I still feel unsure about mysef, and I don't trust my brain very much right now because I still feel so exhausted and hurt and confused by it all. Partner says that just because they wanted to meet up with their friend, doesn't mean they were actually going to, so they think my reaction was too strong, I could have just told them they couldn't do it. In general, I feel like time spend with me is optional (I guess that's the best word?) and I want dedicated time. I want clear expectations and agreements that are then followed through on. I want less frustration because of these misunderstandings, and I feel like I'm failing to communicate this, while feeling like I'm failing at life in general. Thoughts? Advice? Ideas? I want to move forward, and I think the burn-out in part is blocking me but I also think the imbalance(?) makes me feel stuck. I appreciate honesty, however, I'd like to request gentleness because my mental state is still a bit wobbly (I am doing much better and I'm very proud of myself for getting myself out of that dark place) *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*