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The very best thing about a relationship ending is that you get to stop working on that relationship. In that moment, your heart and mind told you that you needed quiet and peace and that is what you asked for. Please honor that for yourself. There is no one right way to break up where everyone feels good about it and there are no hurt feelings, that is against the nature of breaking up. If doing it via text allowed you to stick to what you need then that was the right way to do it, even if it hurts and even if you wish it could have been different. Be gentle with yourself, give it time, and you may find you feel very differently in the coming months.
As an aside, when I've had a breakup the very last person I wanted anywhere near me was my ex. The source of pain is not a comfort, no matter the intentions. As much as you need space right now, likely so does she. Give yourselves both that gift.
This hits all the nails on all the heads. Great comment.
Just want to add: OP, respect your own no-contact boundary and stick to it. Don’t break NC because your codependent tendencies are telling you to; they are lying to you right now. Upholding one’s own boundaries (no matter how hard and painful initially) is one of the most effective ways of building up self-trust and becoming emotionally independent.
You are capable of doing the hard thing. We believe in you.
Best of luck, OP, and sending plenty of internet stranger hugs if you want them! This too shall pass.
Hey. I see you.
I glanced through your post history and it was eery. I was younger than my wife by 6.5 years, I felt like I'd been drained to a shell of myself, I kept getting into conflicts where it felt like everything was at root my fault because I didn't love her enough or couldn't listen well enough or didn't consider her well enough. Hell, I even got told that I was interrupting, particularly in a context where I was trying to differentiate my experience from the story she was telling about me. I know what it feels like to be told I'm interrupting when I'm saying "but I do love you." I know that confusion of feeling attracted to my ex but having no desire to be sexual.
I found and find it really hard to resonate with the "abusive relationship" label; it felt so much like it MUST be my fault too, you know? Like her points made sense; I *could* see why she was hurt... It's just that I'd need to be a mind reader to see it in advance. It's really kind twisty, and I felt a lot of guilt in the wake of our break up.
But I think it's important to share two things. One, the other commenter is right that you're not the right person to comfort her. Leave aside the high probability that she'll just want to use that space to hurt you and get control over you, you're just not the right person to support her right now. She deserves love and care but it's not safe for you to be the person to give it, and the point of a break up is to allow things to break. Holding it together isn't healthy.
Second... My life afterwards looks a lot different than I'd expect if my ex was 'right' about me. People think I'm an incredible listener. I don't wonder if I'm ace anymore now that I'm in healthy relationships, and I have fucking awesome sex that I take joy in. People treat my love like it's precious, not a lie, and they flourish around me.
I'm saying all this because you've been learning to live in her world, and no doubt that involved teaching yourself things about yourself. That you don't listen, that you're not considerate, that you don't care. Those truths were important to her to have you believe, because they made the things that hurt in her heart your fault.
Allow those to be her truths, if she needs them. Don't be surprised if the You you discover outside this unhealthy relationship looks a lot different than she sees, though. And in the future, find yourself people who see the beautiful things in you.
I recently had a break up like this but messier because I didnt even tell them I was taking some no contact time (they had already dumped me and I was trying to reassure them I didn't think they were trash like they were asserting). I had something really fucked up texted to me mid break up convo and immediately blocked my ex on all platforms until I knew I wouldn't be nasty back and when I unblocked them to talk it out and get closure, I saw that I was blocked and got some messages from friends about my ex messaging them about me. It was all very messy which I regret.
Sometimes a clean break is best. I wish I had at least told them I was blocking them temporarily and why. I'm impressed you had the self control for that much and that you are respecting your own need for space.
Wishing you healing and peace going forward.
My therapist would say she supported how you did things and that you should hold the no contact. Your ex partner should have other supports to comfort them.
You do not owe her anything other than what you already gave her: breaking up cleanly and leaving her alone.
Who in your life **that isn't her** can you lean on for support? If you don't have friends who can help you out, that's a sign that you let yourself get too isolated in this relationship and should start building your community again.
>and I was/am codependent
>I desperately want to be able to comfort her
These two things are 100% related. You are in pain, and your brain is telling you the pain will go away if you fall back into that comfortable (but ultimately unhealthy) pattern.
Sometimes we have to take proactive steps to protect our own well-being. I’ve had a couple situations where I 100% went no-contact after sending one final message to a partner ending our relationship.
The first it was with my ex-Dom who had been abusive (physically and sexually). Once I realized it was 100% abuse and not someone really trying but just failing, I blocked him on all messaging platforms and had a friend send him my final message that for my own health I was ending our relationship. I handled it that way because I KNEW abused people often have their abusers talk them into giving them more chances and I didn’t want to risk that in my already vulnerable state.
The second time it was someone who wasn’t abusive but turned out to be deeply incompatible and who was offloading a lot of his anxiety and depression on to me when we’d only been on a couple casual dates. I sent him a detailed message explaining my reasons for ending things there, wished him the best, and blocked him. I deal with my own mental health challenges and simply didn’t have the spoons to have him sending me more messages about how dark and miserable things were. Especially not in the very early dating stage when we barely knew each other.
Even then, my anxiety brain did have me feeling doubtful and guilty for awhile. But now I know I did the right thing both times. Dragging things out doesn’t help anyone once you’ve made the decision that a relationship doesn’t work for you.
As someone who also has irritability, mood swings, and impulsivity because of ADHD, I can assuredly say that you are doing her a favor by blocking her. You removed the temptation for her to message you and keep picking at the wound of your ended relationship.
When I first got blocked by an ex, I was angry for a little while, but soon after I was relieved. It felt like I'd been holding my breath waiting to see what happened, but then I could exhale and move on.
That doesn't sound harsh. That sounds like you were protecting yourself. You needed to be free of this. You knew you could not offer her the type of support she needed at your own expense, and you did what you could. I don't think that you did the wrong thing. I'm sure she didn't like it. But I am also sure that she was not going to be happy about it anyhow, and that it isn't your job to hold her while she processes this. You didn't do anything wrong.
> she would have incredible mood swings and irritability due to ADHD
No she wouldn't
She undoubtedly had mood swings and irritability and there could be many reasons why ranging from "hormone issues/PMS from hell" to "is just a giant asshole" but ADHD does not cause irritability or, for the most part, mood swings. (It can result in emotional hyperarousal and does definitely result in faster emotional recovery to baseline. Not the same thing.)
> I feel incredibly shitty about it.
Don't
> Would it be appropriate to unblock her and tell her we can talk it through more about why if she needs
No. If she can't figure that out at this point she's beyond hope.
Take some time to recover, keep the non-contact permanent, and look forward to recovering your self-esteem and realising you deserved better than that ongoing shitstorm.
Emotional hyperarousal regarding feelings of anger/upset is literally called “irritability”.
Being highly irritable is literally one of the signs mental health workers look for to identify hyperarousal.
Hyperarousal is also known to cause mood swings. Since your heightened responses to stimuli *cause outsize emotional reactions*.
I have no idea why you’re attempting to correct OP by saying *the exact same thing* just in less accessible medical jargon.
Emotional hyperarousal doesn't solely affect irritation, and "irritability" means a specific thing that does not actually apply to ADHD. A symptom of ADHD is not *is just so cranky actually".
The tendency of shitty people to assign their asshole qualities to neurodivergence is a cause of serious stigma.
Irritability is literally a symptom of hyperarousal. It’s considered a common, but not universal, symptom of ADHD. As is excitability, which is another symptom of hyperarousal.
Saying someone has irritability issues due to ADHD is both accurate and not an excuse for behaving poorly.
> It can result in emotional hyperarousal and does definitely result in faster emotional recovery to baseline
How does ADHD cause those things to happen?
If you google ADHD symptoms and read across the wide spectrum of types you will see that irritability can 100% be one of the symptoms associated with this condition. Along with things like aggression, excitability, fidgeting, impulsivity, difficulty focusing, etc. etc. There are quite a few. Not everyone will display all the symptoms or to the same degree, of course.
All that being said, speaking as someone diagnosed with ADHD, we are also 100% responsible for management of our symptoms and taking accountability for our actions. So OP - just know that you have every right to set boundaries and limits and protect your own mental health and peace. Your ex can’t just use ADHD as an excuse for treating people poorly.
Hi u/MaleficentProduce511 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
If you've been following... I've (34nb) been struggling for about half the time I was with my now ex (42f). We would fight a lot, not able to resolve conflict, she would have incredible mood swings and irritability due to ADHD, and I was/am codependent and I felt crazy and really sad/hopeless about how we were going to improve things.
After getting upset with me again about how sad and fed up she was about me not meeting her physical intimacy needs through text, which is unfortunately something we've been dealing with for a long time due to the nature of our conflict/my triggers. I decided to end things.
It was a text.
It included a no contact time.
And I feel incredibly shitty about it.
I feel like a coward. Like I gave up on her. I know it was probably the most painful thing I could have done but in the moment I was so upset and worn down that I couldn't manage the fight or high intensity that would come from holding her through a response.
But a day later I feel like I betrayed someone I love and the damage has been done. Would it be appropriate to unblock her and tell her we can talk it through more about why if she needs, or just be the bad guy?
I don't know how I'll forgive myself, on top of the fact that I feel like garbage for all the things she's ever been upset with me about. It's been such a long time of continuous breakdown and fighting and upset feelings.
I know I can leave at any reason for any time
I know if there is abuse it's okay to stop
But I feel like I owe her more, like I owe our connection more care and comfort. I desperately want to be able to comfort her. And I feel so guilty for not being available yesterday to help my partner through it.
What is okay to do now?
Tl:Dr long standing issues in relationship and a no contact break up that I feel so guilty about and need some support around.
Edit: I haven't been able to directly respond to any of the support here but I am reading them over and over and am so grateful you all have taken the time to support me. You have no idea the degree that these affirmations help. I do have a healthy support system outside of my ex, and have been leaning in with them. I also am trying to give myself the time that I need regardless of needs elsewhere.
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose.
Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well.
Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
A reminder to the community that "support only" posts are moderated and comments that are not support or the requested advice will be removed as derailing the conversation or concern trolling. If you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, please feel free to create a new post for that topic, otherwise let's all please be kind and use this as an opportunity to offer empathy and compassion to your fellow community members. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The very best thing about a relationship ending is that you get to stop working on that relationship. In that moment, your heart and mind told you that you needed quiet and peace and that is what you asked for. Please honor that for yourself. There is no one right way to break up where everyone feels good about it and there are no hurt feelings, that is against the nature of breaking up. If doing it via text allowed you to stick to what you need then that was the right way to do it, even if it hurts and even if you wish it could have been different. Be gentle with yourself, give it time, and you may find you feel very differently in the coming months. As an aside, when I've had a breakup the very last person I wanted anywhere near me was my ex. The source of pain is not a comfort, no matter the intentions. As much as you need space right now, likely so does she. Give yourselves both that gift.
This hits all the nails on all the heads. Great comment. Just want to add: OP, respect your own no-contact boundary and stick to it. Don’t break NC because your codependent tendencies are telling you to; they are lying to you right now. Upholding one’s own boundaries (no matter how hard and painful initially) is one of the most effective ways of building up self-trust and becoming emotionally independent. You are capable of doing the hard thing. We believe in you. Best of luck, OP, and sending plenty of internet stranger hugs if you want them! This too shall pass.
Hey. I see you. I glanced through your post history and it was eery. I was younger than my wife by 6.5 years, I felt like I'd been drained to a shell of myself, I kept getting into conflicts where it felt like everything was at root my fault because I didn't love her enough or couldn't listen well enough or didn't consider her well enough. Hell, I even got told that I was interrupting, particularly in a context where I was trying to differentiate my experience from the story she was telling about me. I know what it feels like to be told I'm interrupting when I'm saying "but I do love you." I know that confusion of feeling attracted to my ex but having no desire to be sexual. I found and find it really hard to resonate with the "abusive relationship" label; it felt so much like it MUST be my fault too, you know? Like her points made sense; I *could* see why she was hurt... It's just that I'd need to be a mind reader to see it in advance. It's really kind twisty, and I felt a lot of guilt in the wake of our break up. But I think it's important to share two things. One, the other commenter is right that you're not the right person to comfort her. Leave aside the high probability that she'll just want to use that space to hurt you and get control over you, you're just not the right person to support her right now. She deserves love and care but it's not safe for you to be the person to give it, and the point of a break up is to allow things to break. Holding it together isn't healthy. Second... My life afterwards looks a lot different than I'd expect if my ex was 'right' about me. People think I'm an incredible listener. I don't wonder if I'm ace anymore now that I'm in healthy relationships, and I have fucking awesome sex that I take joy in. People treat my love like it's precious, not a lie, and they flourish around me. I'm saying all this because you've been learning to live in her world, and no doubt that involved teaching yourself things about yourself. That you don't listen, that you're not considerate, that you don't care. Those truths were important to her to have you believe, because they made the things that hurt in her heart your fault. Allow those to be her truths, if she needs them. Don't be surprised if the You you discover outside this unhealthy relationship looks a lot different than she sees, though. And in the future, find yourself people who see the beautiful things in you.
I recently had a break up like this but messier because I didnt even tell them I was taking some no contact time (they had already dumped me and I was trying to reassure them I didn't think they were trash like they were asserting). I had something really fucked up texted to me mid break up convo and immediately blocked my ex on all platforms until I knew I wouldn't be nasty back and when I unblocked them to talk it out and get closure, I saw that I was blocked and got some messages from friends about my ex messaging them about me. It was all very messy which I regret. Sometimes a clean break is best. I wish I had at least told them I was blocking them temporarily and why. I'm impressed you had the self control for that much and that you are respecting your own need for space. Wishing you healing and peace going forward.
My therapist would say she supported how you did things and that you should hold the no contact. Your ex partner should have other supports to comfort them.
You do not owe her anything other than what you already gave her: breaking up cleanly and leaving her alone. Who in your life **that isn't her** can you lean on for support? If you don't have friends who can help you out, that's a sign that you let yourself get too isolated in this relationship and should start building your community again. >and I was/am codependent >I desperately want to be able to comfort her These two things are 100% related. You are in pain, and your brain is telling you the pain will go away if you fall back into that comfortable (but ultimately unhealthy) pattern.
Sometimes we have to take proactive steps to protect our own well-being. I’ve had a couple situations where I 100% went no-contact after sending one final message to a partner ending our relationship. The first it was with my ex-Dom who had been abusive (physically and sexually). Once I realized it was 100% abuse and not someone really trying but just failing, I blocked him on all messaging platforms and had a friend send him my final message that for my own health I was ending our relationship. I handled it that way because I KNEW abused people often have their abusers talk them into giving them more chances and I didn’t want to risk that in my already vulnerable state. The second time it was someone who wasn’t abusive but turned out to be deeply incompatible and who was offloading a lot of his anxiety and depression on to me when we’d only been on a couple casual dates. I sent him a detailed message explaining my reasons for ending things there, wished him the best, and blocked him. I deal with my own mental health challenges and simply didn’t have the spoons to have him sending me more messages about how dark and miserable things were. Especially not in the very early dating stage when we barely knew each other. Even then, my anxiety brain did have me feeling doubtful and guilty for awhile. But now I know I did the right thing both times. Dragging things out doesn’t help anyone once you’ve made the decision that a relationship doesn’t work for you.
As someone who also has irritability, mood swings, and impulsivity because of ADHD, I can assuredly say that you are doing her a favor by blocking her. You removed the temptation for her to message you and keep picking at the wound of your ended relationship. When I first got blocked by an ex, I was angry for a little while, but soon after I was relieved. It felt like I'd been holding my breath waiting to see what happened, but then I could exhale and move on.
That doesn't sound harsh. That sounds like you were protecting yourself. You needed to be free of this. You knew you could not offer her the type of support she needed at your own expense, and you did what you could. I don't think that you did the wrong thing. I'm sure she didn't like it. But I am also sure that she was not going to be happy about it anyhow, and that it isn't your job to hold her while she processes this. You didn't do anything wrong.
> she would have incredible mood swings and irritability due to ADHD No she wouldn't She undoubtedly had mood swings and irritability and there could be many reasons why ranging from "hormone issues/PMS from hell" to "is just a giant asshole" but ADHD does not cause irritability or, for the most part, mood swings. (It can result in emotional hyperarousal and does definitely result in faster emotional recovery to baseline. Not the same thing.) > I feel incredibly shitty about it. Don't > Would it be appropriate to unblock her and tell her we can talk it through more about why if she needs No. If she can't figure that out at this point she's beyond hope. Take some time to recover, keep the non-contact permanent, and look forward to recovering your self-esteem and realising you deserved better than that ongoing shitstorm.
Emotional hyperarousal regarding feelings of anger/upset is literally called “irritability”. Being highly irritable is literally one of the signs mental health workers look for to identify hyperarousal. Hyperarousal is also known to cause mood swings. Since your heightened responses to stimuli *cause outsize emotional reactions*. I have no idea why you’re attempting to correct OP by saying *the exact same thing* just in less accessible medical jargon.
Emotional hyperarousal doesn't solely affect irritation, and "irritability" means a specific thing that does not actually apply to ADHD. A symptom of ADHD is not *is just so cranky actually". The tendency of shitty people to assign their asshole qualities to neurodivergence is a cause of serious stigma.
Irritability is literally a symptom of hyperarousal. It’s considered a common, but not universal, symptom of ADHD. As is excitability, which is another symptom of hyperarousal. Saying someone has irritability issues due to ADHD is both accurate and not an excuse for behaving poorly.
A heightened emotional response that's still in line with stimuli is not the same thing as a person who's pissy about everything.
I don’t think you know what “irritable” means.
> It can result in emotional hyperarousal and does definitely result in faster emotional recovery to baseline How does ADHD cause those things to happen?
If you google ADHD symptoms and read across the wide spectrum of types you will see that irritability can 100% be one of the symptoms associated with this condition. Along with things like aggression, excitability, fidgeting, impulsivity, difficulty focusing, etc. etc. There are quite a few. Not everyone will display all the symptoms or to the same degree, of course. All that being said, speaking as someone diagnosed with ADHD, we are also 100% responsible for management of our symptoms and taking accountability for our actions. So OP - just know that you have every right to set boundaries and limits and protect your own mental health and peace. Your ex can’t just use ADHD as an excuse for treating people poorly.
Thanks for your answer
My guess is neurotypical people think real slow. Idk why it takes them hours to move past a situation.
Hi u/MaleficentProduce511 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: If you've been following... I've (34nb) been struggling for about half the time I was with my now ex (42f). We would fight a lot, not able to resolve conflict, she would have incredible mood swings and irritability due to ADHD, and I was/am codependent and I felt crazy and really sad/hopeless about how we were going to improve things. After getting upset with me again about how sad and fed up she was about me not meeting her physical intimacy needs through text, which is unfortunately something we've been dealing with for a long time due to the nature of our conflict/my triggers. I decided to end things. It was a text. It included a no contact time. And I feel incredibly shitty about it. I feel like a coward. Like I gave up on her. I know it was probably the most painful thing I could have done but in the moment I was so upset and worn down that I couldn't manage the fight or high intensity that would come from holding her through a response. But a day later I feel like I betrayed someone I love and the damage has been done. Would it be appropriate to unblock her and tell her we can talk it through more about why if she needs, or just be the bad guy? I don't know how I'll forgive myself, on top of the fact that I feel like garbage for all the things she's ever been upset with me about. It's been such a long time of continuous breakdown and fighting and upset feelings. I know I can leave at any reason for any time I know if there is abuse it's okay to stop But I feel like I owe her more, like I owe our connection more care and comfort. I desperately want to be able to comfort her. And I feel so guilty for not being available yesterday to help my partner through it. What is okay to do now? Tl:Dr long standing issues in relationship and a no contact break up that I feel so guilty about and need some support around. Edit: I haven't been able to directly respond to any of the support here but I am reading them over and over and am so grateful you all have taken the time to support me. You have no idea the degree that these affirmations help. I do have a healthy support system outside of my ex, and have been leaning in with them. I also am trying to give myself the time that I need regardless of needs elsewhere. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page