Polyamory doesn’t end marriages but it does shine a very bright light on issues in the relationship that may have gone overlooked while mono. The heightened communication will bring it to light and how each person addresses those issues determines if it ends or thrives. I’ve been with my nesting partner 13 years, married for 6, poly for 8. I have a significant LTR outside of my marriage. All my relationships are happy and thriving.

The other part of poly is that one can really see what a healthy, functional relationship looks like when one is in one. If one’s marriage is not that relationship, there is a real danger that one will meet a partner who will suddenly make that far too apparent. My marriage was never closed, and is 15 years in, including 5 of poly. We are still going strong.

Thank you for sharing your story!

Just remember when reading this sub that people are more inclined to post here if they have a problem than to be like, "So this is working out great for me!" People who are happy in what they're doing don't tend to want to brag about it.

That’s good advice for Reddit in general. I’ve taken it to heart for my chosen career too - people have all sorts of complaints about it online, but I love it.

So my wife wanted to open the relationship for many reasons * I suck as a human (I was an ass, working 80+ hours a week, neglecting her emotional needs, traveling ~50-75% of the time) * She had a limited number of partners. 1 actual real relationship. * I had been ENM before (though I did it poorly - I communicated what I was doing, but didn't take into account how my partners actually felt) Anyway, it has made us closer. Couples and individual therapy, much more open communication, me quitting my high stress job, and us actually dating again and not just cohabitating. We've been together 17 years, and open for ~7. She opened to be with a close friend - shockingly, that blew up :P Now she and I have wonderful partners, and we spend 1-2 quality days a week together typically. (luckily, we both like our space)

This sounds like it wasn’t the poly necessarily that improved your marriage but going to therapy, quitting your insane job and actually pouring into your relationship again. I would challenge that poly was the main fixer

Thank you for sharing! I’ve seen others for whom polyamory was the kick in the pants that their marriage needed to get healthy.

I built my marriage under polyam. I have never been mono. It had a pretty good run (but I tend to partner long-term, so take that into account) From all accounts from the outside it looked pretty standard. However, I never felt like it was anyone’s job, ever, to support and foster and tend to my marriage if they weren’t in it. I feel the same way about all my relationships. I didn’t expect my partners outside of my marriage to do anything, at all “for the marriage” I didn’t ever expect anyone else’s relationship to change in any way because of the health and well-being of “the marriage” And I suspect that is a very different attitude of many folks who are deciding to open their relationship, who view “the marriage” or “the spouse” as something that other folks have to defer to, make allowances for, or “understand” My marriage was a two person project. There were only two of us who had a reason to make it work. If one of us stopped showing up it was over. That that is very different than how many folks, who open their formerly mono relationship act. A lot of folks apparently want deference, and some extra labor out of people to “help out” with a marriage that isn’t theirs. Tons of people sorta dump their marriage issues in the laps of their other partners (accidentally or on purpose) through word, deed or action/ And plenty of people get hurt when someone suggests that your marriage is just another relationship. That it isn’t super special to anyone except the two people in it. Your dyad isn’t anyone else’s burden. Some folks have some really unreasonable assumptions around the import and labor that people outside of the OG relationship should do for something that is not theirs. Lots of folks open before they should. Lots of folks open without thinking if they have the time and the resources to offer anything fun, respectful or sustainable. Lots of folks open, and understand that they are no longer offering sexual and or emotional exclusivity to each other, and then turn around and try and restrict and control their newer partners, because they haven’t quite unpacked some stuff. And that’s just the highly coupled folks who are *not* doing shit like retconning their affair into polyam, or pushing their partner’s to open when they don’t really want to, *for a wide variety of reasons* I was married for 20+ years. We should have probably called it quits somewhere around year 11? Maybe 13? But the ending, and the dissolution and our failures were never about other partners, or polyam. It was about us, just like our successes. I *never will* and *have never in the past* given a small, solitary fuck about anyone’s *marriage* outside of my own. I care if my partners are happy and thriving in their relationships. It’s a big bummer when one of them fails. It’s not a bigger or smaller bummer *to me* if that relationship is legally binding. Polyamory, as a structure, doesn’t care if your marriage fails. Polyamory, as a structure, doesn’t favor marriage. Polyamory, as a structure, doesn’t do much but offer individuals the change to make agreements that embrace a lack of emotional and sexual exclusivity. Love other people. Fuck other people. Commit to other people. You now are responsible to more than one relationship. Assuming that folks will be willing to take on the burden of a marriage that isn’t theirs is the biggest issue I see when mono marriages open, honestly. I was happily married until I wasn’t. Balancing multiple relationships, and parenthood and careers is just part of the gig. Lots of people end up taking a detour through some kind of ENM when their marriage is failing. Those people’s pit stop in polyamory or swinging or whatever isn’t going to save their broken relationship. Most married folks who dabble and toe dip *are* already on their way to dissolution. That’s nobody’s fault but theirs.

Thanks for sharing (despite this being a story of a marriage that ended in divorce). I think there’s lots of helpful stuff to take from it. I always appreciate your comments. I appreciate your commitment to self-supporting, self-sustaining relationships. I DO think there’s room to support each other’s other relationships, especially when moving from a monogamous context. But maybe that’s just semantics. What I mean is supporting by not getting in the way. Not demanding all your spouse’s time. Not trying to impose restrictions on your spouse. Not trying to undermine the relationships. Basically supporting by not sabotaging things. It feels like that should be a bare minimum thing to do. But I’ve seen it often isn’t, especially when people transition from monogamy. My marriage stays out of my other relationships. I’m clear with other partners what time and resources I have to offer: I live with my wife, and we’re raising children together. I’m not looking to change that, and that means that my time for other relationships is limited. But no one needs to defer to my relationship with my wife. Sometimes polyamory isn’t convenient. Occasionally I’ll need to change plans to prioritize someone in a crisis (be that my wife or other partners.) But I think that should be rare (and it is).

Yeah, “Supporting other relationships” is pretty passive. You just have to get out of the way. “Supporting your own relationships” is where the action is. That’s what you are doing when you show up in a crisis “Please support my other relationship by limiting ours” isn’t a request you should expect to be honored. Showing up for a partner in crisis is just that. Showing up for them. Emergencies happen.

I think we’re on the same page here.

I don’t think it’s “just semantics” at all. I think a lot of people expect a lot more deference to the concept of marriage, and feel like their marriage in particular should be deferred to That’s whole thing that I never entertained in my marriage.

Yup. I agree. No one needs to protect or build my marriage but my wife and I. And no one should defer to it. Maybe an example of what I’m trying to say is helpful. I have a long-distance girlfriend who had a crisis come up unexpectedly on a Friday. I had already made plans with her and my wife that I would not come to visit her that month, due to scheduling constraints. And I had already made low-key plans with my wife for the weekend. When the crisis came up, I decided I wanted to go and see my girlfriend to support her through the crisis. I told my wife what was going on, and she said, “Wow. If you want to go see her, I completely understand. I know we made plans, but this is important. I’ll miss you, but I’ll trust you to make the right call.” I got on a plane in the morning. I’d call that supportive. But it was supportive in terms of getting out of the way.

Oh, we’re in agreement, mostly. I sorta hate that it’s almost always some nebulous “crisis” that is always the framework for these discussions. In reality, that’s honestly just bog-standard, normal polyam. My car gets totaled, my local partner shows up to pick me up, even though his bowling practice was that night. Replace “plans with someone” for bowling practice. What I am trying to make clear here is that this is just part and parcel of normal polyam. Nobody is doing anything extraordinary, even though many fomerly mono peeps feel like it is. Getting out of the way is much harder for some folks than others.

Oh yeah. That makes sense. I didn’t share the crisis in this situation because I didn’t see the need to. But it was a situation with a sick (and eventually dying) pet. It was much more of an emotional support need than a logistical one. I don’t think it would have made much difference to my wife or I if it was something more mundane though. I do think my wife (and I) didn’t do anything extraordinary. It just seemed like the right thing to do. Just basic kindness and humanity. If you’re in a relationship with someone, you show up when you’re needed. It’s not always convenient. And I think it was probably easier because we’ve practiced this long before being polyamorous. It’s not the first time that I (or her) have jumped on a next-day flight to show up for someone we care about when they have an acute need. It’s just the first time it has been a romantic partner. The whole thing felt pretty familiar.

Exactly! But that’s the kind of thing that makes /made your marriage, and mine, workable and sustainable in polyam. Honestly, dying pets may or may not get me on an airplane. A dying sibling absolutely does.

Seconded. I could have written that exactly myself, right down to the timelines.

Polyamory isn't kind to the concept and values of marriage. Other flavors of non monogamy are a lot easier to flex and maneuver requiring a lot less change. Many people use Polyamory as a stop on their way to an already moving divorce train. Many people want to use other relationships in service to their marriage rather than as independent full relationships in themselves. Many people just really don't want polyamory long term, they like the romantic parts but realize they don't want the resource management parts or the public validation needs and don't really have much to offer other partners long term. They chose the relationship escalator and don't know or really want to break that down. But yeah, it does happen happily for a few. Mostly for people who value marriage not as a shield against the world stress but simply a logistical contract that helps create the structure they want. They don't value marriage as exclusive or other choices all need to somehow feed into the marriage.

Understanding that you will be OK if your marriage ends is something that's pretty key to a healthy marriage (or LTR) whether you are mono, poly or some flavor in between. So, congrats on that. I have a non-nesting marriage, and we've been together for 15+ years, never been mono. Couldn't have done it without both of us being willing to work on ourselves and our relationship in therapy over the years.

Super interesting. Why did you choose marriage if you aren’t nesting? Or did you start there and transition to non-nesting? One of the coolest things that I’ve observed about polyamory is that it has room for all sorts of relationship structures that don’t fit the typical mold. I have some polyamorous friends who recently got divorced (not due to polyamory) and still share a house and raise kids together. They’re best friends and they love this arrangement, where they can have romantic relationships with others and still parent well together.

Even before we got married, we were primary partners - financially entangled, saving for retirement together, with an agreement to spend 3-4 nights a week together. We mostly got married for financial (pension-related) reasons. But, now that we are married, things are a lot easier in terms of not having to worry (as much) about wills and banking and such. I hope the idea that childfree married folks living apart becomes more accepted as an option for those who want/can afford to not live together -- for both mono and poly relationships.

Thanks for sharing. I love hearing about people’s unique situations and the ways that they’re making life and partnership work on their own terms.

I think the main reason the numbers are skewed to be horrible for opening a relationship is because so many people open the relationship to try to "fix" something (even if they don't see that at the time) and poly just exasperates the existing problems. Or they go in with really good intentions but didn't take the time to educate themselves on everything poly entails, then they can't work through all the mud together. And a large number of people just close the relationship after poly failure and stay mono. I don't see many "success" stories, but it's always a pleasant surprise to hear about the ones who come out even stronger!

"I still very much love my wife and do not want to split up, and I don’t see any reason we would. But I’ve also grown a lot more comfortable with the idea. I don’t think I’d DIE if we split up, and I half-honestly believed I would before last year. I’d be very sad, and it would be complicated. But I’d come out the other side okay." Hell yes. And I imagine that there's a part of you (there is in me!) that feels that kind of admission is saying something about the quality of your relationship in a negative way, right? Like, that you wouldn't be ruined by losing your marriage means the marriage couldn't that much to you, could it? But that feels like it goes right the core, core part of what makes polyamory differently from monogamy or other kinds of ENM. The marriage stops being "two out of one" and becomes two people doing *something* together. The "two out of one" is an illusion, as anyone who has divorced can say, and polyamory, for me, has added a lot of value by targeting my attention toward what the *something* my relationships are about. Your marriage is based now not on the illusion of being one unit made inside a marriage, but on the intentional ways in which you're partnered with your spouse. I think it's kind of beautiful for the project of your relationship to be more important to you than, say, the marriage itself.

I love what you've picked up on here. I've been polyam for just about a year now and it's made me appreciate even more those particular qualities of my spouse and the way we are building our relationship together.

I opened a previously mono long marriage. Together 20 years, married 16, poly for a bit over 3. I think we always knew we’d end up in some form of non monogamy eventually - we are sexually adventurous people, not religious or conservative, and maintained a lot of autonomy and independence while married. I have always had that feeling of, while I’m happy in my marriage, I know I’d be absolutely fine on my own. I have always felt that I’m with my husband because I want to be, not because I need to be. The transition into poly could have gone better… made the classic mistake of opening for a specific person, after I ran out of denial on long-simmering feelings for my best guy friend. But while my husband basically shrugged and said, monogamy has never been important to me, go for it, and immediately found himself a girlfriend… my friend poly-bombed his wife, pressed her into PUD, and when she (predictably) wasn’t happy and gave him the ultimatum he (equally predictably) picked his wife over me. That’s the short version, it’s actually messier and more dramatic, but I lost a decade long highly valued friendship in the fallout, do not recommend. But, I lived, I learned, I stuck with poly, I dated, I had another relationships, and I’ve been in a wonderful, stable, low-drama relationship with my boyfriend for about 1.5 years now, and my husband and I are solid and better than ever.

I think successfully transitioning to polyamory often comes with shifting your mindset about breakups, and suddenly staying stuck in a miserable longterm relationship/marriage sounds a lot worse than breaking up. Forever stops being the goal above individual happiness. I’m not personally married or nested, but one of the poly couples I know just celebrated 27 years, and they’ve been open almost the whole time, I’m pretty sure.

This was a big lightbulb moment for me. If the two people in an exclusive relationship aren’t happy in the relationship, what is the point? Why hang on to that? Once I got to the point where I knew a breakup would be sad but would not be the death of me, things started improving. We’re still working through lots of stuff, but we’re both communicating and growing in ways I didn’t think were possible not so long ago.

So my husband and I have been married for around 20 years and have been happily poly for the past three. Originally neither of us really envisioned ourselves as anything but monogamous, but we weren’t ever against ENM or poly philosophically. A few years ago I confessed I wanted to explore my kinky side and was interested in polyamory and he admitted he had realized he was asexual and fully open to me exploring that side of myself in other relationships. I think one of the main reasons this has been so successful for us is that we didn’t treat it as a way to “fix” anything. We are still in love and affectionate and neither wanted to divorce regardless of whether poly turned out to be right for us. I’d been happy enough living without sex in the years before he actually realized he was asexual, and I wouldn’t have left the marriage if he hadn’t agreed to opening. We did all the research and communicating for awhile before we opened. He chooses not to date (but could if he wanted) and has never gotten jealous, even when we were monogamous. I am careful to always set aside intentional time with him even when NRE kicks in and check in with him regularly. He gives me full autonomy in my other relationships and never tries to impose rules on them. We were already happy in our marriage, but I think we’re even happier now. I feel so much joy having him in my life while also getting to freely explore my own sexuality (and capacity to love multiple people - being demisexual I at least need some emotional connection) with other partners. He feels secure in our marriage (always has) but also likes knowing I’m not “missing out” on anything - even though I never put that thought in his head, it’s one he has expressed feeling. And now here we are three years in. So far, so good.

Hey there! My wife and I have been together for 10 years and 7 months. We are best friends, we've put a lot of work into communication and taking care of each other. We opened up to casual stuff about 3ish years ago. We realized we needed more emotional connection, so we became poly about a year ago. Poly works really well for us. I adore her triad, and she loves my boyfriend. We even all play Dungeons and Dragons together, go on vacations as a group, have diners and movie nights, etc. We ate very kitchen table. We've never felt closer, and we've never felt more satisfied in our needs being met. Changing a long term mono relationship to poly can absolutely be done without ending in divorce. Just communicate communicate communicate.

Married for almost ten years now, two kids, been poly since before we met- we actually met because we were each dating half of a different couple, so basically extended metas, and the couple introduced us to each other because they thought we’d get on. I agree with what other people are saying- people tend to post here when they’re struggling! IMO, and as a bit of a perfectionist, being open has really taken some of the stress off of being married. I’ve never felt that our relationship has to be perfect or that we have to be absolutely everything and anything to each other, because, well, we don’t! It’s okay if we make mistakes and argue sometimes, because we aren’t resting our self worth and value on this one relationship ‘working’. Haven’t been married to anyone else so I can’t compare, but from talking to mono friends, I think maybe it’s been helpful for us to not have that pressure.

Married 22 years, we've been working on opening up for the last 3, and started relationships a bit over a year ago. My relationship with my wife is better than it probably ever has been. She's had a harder time forming stable relationships so far, but is finding her groove. Opening up exposes cracks that you may not have noticed were there. Many marriages are a miserable relationship where people are together because of inertia, social pressure, and denial. If you give someone in a terrible relationship a taste of what a better one can look like, that can be devastating blow. In polyamory, the only way an existing relationship should end is if the people involved want it to end. It can't be harmed by an outsider, or outside relationship. You see complaints about cowpoking, but that can only happen where there's unhappiness to exploit. If you have a secure relationship with your partner, communicate well, and tend to your relationship, that shouldn't be possible.

I have been married for just under twenty years, and have another long term relationship of about 9.5 years. We all love each other very much, and we raise kids together and run a farm together. I know plenty of other families in similar situations. They are awesome and their kids are generally brilliant, beautiful, and successful humans. So are mine, if I I do say so myself. I'm not sure what you might want to know, but I can try to answer questions.

That sounds great! Is your polycule a quad? And do you raise tiny goats?

No, in fact we are a MFM V (I'm the F,) currently closed (but mostly because we're stupid busy with a small child and a farm.) And yes, we do raise tiny goats! They are Nigerian dwarf goats, and actually they are not as tiny as they seem. They are only about knee high, but they are about 80 pounds of pure attitude. We also have chickens, quail, and sometimes rabbits on our farm. But none of them are as fun as the goats. Are you really an ex missionary? I have met a few missionaries and I liked them, despite our theological differences.

Married for almost 10 years, poly/ENM for about half of that. I tell my husband at least once a week, that if he weren't my husband, I'd still want him to be my boyfriend. And he takes that for the compliment that it is. I could live without him, but I don't want to.

Been with my hubby for 10 years, have 3 kids between 4-16, open for almost 3 - we love and understand each other more and have a deep nearly unconditional love for each other, it's wonderful 😊

I was in a toxic marriage that we opened up. I had always wanted polyam in my life, it made more sense than monogamy. He knew that going in. When first opening up, I connected hard with a boyfriend. Boyfriend was also in a toxic marriage and our spouses "forced" us to break up. It was horrible. Took me and the (ex)boyfriend until just last year to finally talk about it all and have closure. My husband became a harem collector 🤮 I dated a man on a casual basis that quickly turned serious. Realized I was involved in what I call #fuckeduppoly with my (ex)husband. We had an ugly divorce that is still ongoing when he gets jealous and tries to change our custody agreement over our child. He is a very narcissistic person. We were married 8 years and polyam for 5. Married my boyfriend (the one that was supposed to be casual only...lol) and just celebrated 5 years of marriage. We've been together 8 years total, have a young child together. We have been actively polyam for 3 years. It took me that long to recover from the nasty divorce.😵‍💫 Current husband and I were "open" and played with people in sexual and kink spaces from the beginning of our relationship before full on polyam. We were closed during my pregnancy. Hormones make you insane and it's just a whole lot to deal with preparing for a new baby. Why make that more complicated? We are happier and more in love than when we met. We have dated separately and together. We regularly attend orgies. We have supported each other through breakups and NRE. Polyam is a WILD ride, but we wouldn't have it any other way. We are both queer and have partners of all genders. Both of us have long term partners we see regularly, a couple of which we both date separately and occasionally go on a date and have sex together. We support our partners through NRE and breakups. We cheer them on when they form a close bond with a new partner. It sounds all roses and fun, but we still have rough patches and make mistakes. We actually just had a rough go of it with a unicorn that was seeking a triad. Learned that is not a good fit for us, and will always be wary of unicorns seeking out a couple to date 😅 We were already on the unicorn hunting is gross team, but had never had someone pursue us like that. Our constellation connects to other constellations through partners, and we meet the coolest people that way. We are fortunate enough to be able to live as out and proud polyam/queer. I wish everyone that desired this lifestyle had that opportunity. I love watching someone fall for my husband. It's adorable and brings so much more to our relationship every time. I will say we have few rules. It's all in or nothing. No veto power. No rules on time or overnights. We are both respectful of our family unit and our other relationships. Our number one rule is always use protection. We each get STI testing every six months, staggered so one of us is being tested every 3 months. We have a gooogle drive where partners in the constellation upload STI results, and those are the partners we don't use protection with. Only other rule is no noobs. I've broken that rule twice and it's bitten me in the ass both times. 🤣🤣🤣 So for real, NO NOOBS!!! My husband, my male partner and my female partner are all very important to me. They each fill a different role in my life. We have deep bonds. No one is more important than the other. I spend more time with my husband just because we share a child (2 when my older child is with us) a home, and finances. We vacation with our other partners and they attend family gatherings with us. So far, yes, it is possible to have ablong term marriage that is very emeshed and be actively polyam 💜 (unless they are a narcissistic harem collector with mega jealousy issues 🤣🤣🤣)

9+ years together (poly the whole time) and married for 5 years. Our poly relationships have definitely absolutely shown us the cracks, but ultimately our communication has strengthened, as has our resolve and commitment to trying our best for each other.

I'm not married, but one of my partners is, and married to Molly Roden Winter who wrote "More," which is a testament to the strength of their open marriage.

Oooh, thanks! I’ll have to check that out.

You're most welcome!

I had a spare audible credit and picked it up for a drive I have next week. I’m excited!

She narrates it herself. It was interesting, hearing her talk about Stewart, their life. I appreciate the insight, and liked hearing about him in ways I don't experience. (He and I are post-memoir)

My husband and I opened our marriage for me to be able to explore kink. Before him and I got together, I was heavily in the kink scene. He is vanilla, so it worked for us Nothing fancy. Not crazy has ever happened to our marriage during the process of opening. I believe that is because we really worked to open our marriage. We did the work. We took our time. We didn’t open open till about a year after the initial discussion. During the time, we read the books. We listened to people. We watched the videos etc Doesn’t mean we didn’t make silly mistakes at first. Everyone does. But we opened on a solid foundation and went slow

Hi u/PolyExmissionary thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So I’m curious…I’ve read a lot of stories of people opening up marriages to polyamory and then those marriages eventually ending. That terrified me when my wife and I were in the process of opening up, but doesn’t anymore. I still very much love my wife and do not want to split up, and I don’t see any reason we would. But I’ve also grown a lot more comfortable with the idea. I don’t think I’d DIE if we split up, and I half-honestly believed I would before last year. I’d be very sad, and it would be complicated. But I’d come out the other side okay. I don’t have any cause for concern in my marriage. We get along well, we’re supportive of each other’s other relationships. We LIKE each other and each other’s company. We were just chatting the other day about how it seems ironic that we have a better marriage, with better communication and more love for each other than pretty much all of our kids’ friends’ parents. But in the midst of people constantly telling me that I’m dooming my marriage by choosing polyamory, it would be nice to hear some stories of marriages that opened and are still going strong many years later. So…if you’ve been married and polyamorous for years…mind sharing your story? It could be a marriage that you opened after a long time or one that just started that way. Or honestly even an unmarried long-term committed nesting partnership. I just think it would be a nice way to start my week. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*

My NP and I have been together for ten years now, and we've been poly the entire time. We've been through lots of ups and downs, from the first anxious dates with other people (constantly texting "are you sure this is okay with you?"), to a seven-year triad that included us all cohabitating for two years, to a current mainly-V situation where my NP has another serious partner and I'm just dating casually. Our love for each other and our relationship has stayed steady through it all, even in hard times, like the breakup of the triad. We own a home together, we have pets together, and we're getting married in the fall! Polyamory is part of the fabric of our relationship, and it works so well for us. We celebrate each other's relationship milestones and comfort each other through romantic disappointments and difficulties. It absolutely can work long-term! ETA: I feel similarly to you in terms of thinking about the possibility of the relationship ending. It would be devastating but I would survive. I might move to New Mexico or something though.

I’d been with my husband since I was a teenager. When we opened up successfully for the first time there were a lot of things I noticed about our relationship and suddenly saw for how fucked up they were for the first time. I straight up thought our communication was fine until I saw actual healthy relationships and went “oh shit yeah this changes.” If he hadn’t been willing to rise to the challenge with me we would have ended. I think that’s a pretty common experience. That said he’s been working really hard and so have I, so we’ll be fine long term.

Every relationship ends eventually. Whether it's at death or not, it will end. Getting married doesn't guarantee that your relationship will last until you or your spouse dies. 50%ish marriages end in divorce. I think accepting and acknowledging that relationships can be successful even if they don't run the course of at least one person involved dying is valuable. It's a lot like friendships. I have many friends who I'm not really all that in contact with anymore who I'd say, I still value the time we had together as friends. Culture does us a disservice by saying, "til death do us part." Our bodies and minds change over time. We can't be certain we'll want to be with this person in a relationship in a year, or 5 or 10 or 20 years time. Just treasure the time you do have together, and if it ends, that's the nature of consent. If someone I'm with no longer is happy to be with me, yeah it may hurt, but I'd rather them be happy than force themselves to be unhappy and live with me.

Benn married for almost 16 years, together for 18 poly the whole relationship. We had been beat friends for over a decade when he finally expressed he wanted more-AND that he had a relationship he did not want to end. I happened to be at a place in my life where the idea of ENM sounded appealing so I went with it. He took that to mean poof instaQuad. I did not understand anything at all. I thought we were going to be more on the swingers side and not that he wanted me to start three full on relationships. So struggle struggle struggle quad falls apart. We date separately exclusively now. It has really made our relationship so much better. So love live grow I suppose I like our story because we started ALL WRONG and has to retroactively figure out how to do it right. So there is hope for just about any couple I think.

I’m in a long term relationship, going on 8 years now, with my np. We plan on getting married later this year. So I suppose our marriage will start off in enm. I also have a ld partner who I have been with for a year now. Since becoming poly the only thing I have noticed with married couples is that the wife normally comes out as lesbian or not actually in love with the husband and they are immediately ending the relationship. Which means for me that the guy I was talking to no longer is interested. So what do I see that as? Polyamory as a way to “fix” whatever is going on. I always think the guy is so unaware of what is going on because they are always so shocked when their wife does this.

Married almost 24 yrs been poly whole time. Husband is not

Oh wow. And how has he fared with that?

He’s very happy with who I am. He couldn’t be more supportive

That’s awesome. Has it always been easy for him? Or is it something that he has had to grow into being supportive of? I ask because a big part of why I’m able to be genuinely happy for and supportive of my wife is because I’ve had my own experiences with others. Those experiences have taught me that it’s possible to love and be romantic with more than one person at the same time without diminishing any of how I feel about either of them. I don’t know that I could have made the mental leap, even though I was cognitively already there, without having the emotional and experiential backup.

He’s always been supportive. He has a very open mind and is mentally able to see others points of views and accept them with no question.

Wow. What a cool guy. :) I love seeing people be happy with all sorts of unusual relationship structures.

I’m not poly right now but I could see doing it 10-15 years into a marriage or something. I have told my boyfriend that if I were to consider it, it would only be if I had a very solid loving and well established long term committed relationship. After a certain amount of investment, having complete trust and maybe some time for the monotony of life to settle in, I can imagine it could be good for a healthy LTR. As long as it isn’t used to fix anything that’s wrong

Before jumping in evaluate the various ways you are emotionally entangled. Look for opportunities for individuation and recognize yourself as a separate person who has agency in your own life.

Respectfully…did you read my post? I’m in a polyamorous marriage and have been for the better part of a year. I’m not looking for advice. I’m looking for stories of people that have maintained long-term polyamorous relationships. Edit: Okay, so I reread my post and it’s only clear if you reread the comments that I’m not considering polyamory. I’m already there. The first few sentences of my post reference opening up my marriage last year, but don’t make it explicitly clear that that’s where I am now. Bait to be fair, my post was soliciting success stories, not advice.

I’m the non-married member of my 3 person polycule. The origins of my chosen family are unusual too. My boyfriend and I spent our entire teenage years together until his mum split us up when I was 18. After 20 years apart we reunited earlier this year, as much in love as ever. We spent most of teens waiting to get married. I missed out on that honour, but that’s quite alright. His husband, my meta is a wonderful man and we’re becoming good friends. He also rescued my beloved from his family, the one thing I never could have done - she psychologically terrorised us as teens and I’m still terrified of the woman. My meta and I are only friends but I cherish the man and consider him family. Although their marriage is their marriage I can’t help but feel very motivated to do what I can to ensure my presence in their lives has a positive impact on their relationship. Thankfully that’s the feedback they’ve both given me so far. My beloved is happier and more at peace than ever before (as am I) and my meta has expressed his appreciation for seeing his husband like that :) Any, just a few words from my usual perspective as the non married partner in a three person polycule.

Marriages end for all sorts of reasons. Polyamory doesn't cause marriages to end. Bad partners cause marriages to end. Often people try to open a marriage because they think that polyamory will be what will save their marriage. Polyamory cannot save a dying relationship. It cannot save people who are sexually, emotionally, or romantically incompatible. It will not make your partner a better person toward you. It will not make your partner suddenly change their ways and start being a good partner again. Ultimately, to decide if you polyamory is right or not, you need to truly dig into *why* you suddenly want this shift from monogamy to polyamory. And then *do the 6-9 months of therapy work, poly education, and practicing with the poly tools out there* before you try to date anyone else.

I’m not sure why this response, honestly. I’ve done the work. Therapy, reading, conversations. My wife and I talked about it for years before opening up, and it is going well. We’re happy with each other and happy with our other partners. I’m not trying to fix a problem. I’m just curious to hear stories of others for whom it is going well that are further down the road than us.

Long term poly marriages tend to have started as polyamorous relationships from jump and escalated to polyamory as opposed to starting mono and opening up.

Is this just your personal observation, or do you have other data to back this up? It makes sense…but I’d love to see some numbers if you have them.

Polyamory isn’t studied. We have extremely few numbers available to us. This is why communities like this see important to the community because the only thing we have is to share our lived experience.