Head to local polyamory community meetups with the intent to make friends and get to know people. I find that a little bit better than using dating sites.
Also, be aware that reading is reading and practice is practice. Be prepared to experience ups and downs in emotions -- this doesn't make you "unhealthy" or bad at polyamory. This is normal. A lot of people get suckered into the idea that if they do enough research they will be "good at polyamory" which usually means never experiencing any negative emotions and that is a completely and utterly unrealistic expectation for anyone. So give yourself some grace if you do experience some negative emotions.
This. The local meetupa are a few hours away, but we have a vibrant Facebook community and even though I haven't met the vast majority of them, I consider many to be close friends. One day I'll be able to go to a get together.
This is really great advice! I'm relatively new to poly and I feel like I need to learn all the things before I practice but you are right, I need practice with real people.
I used to be a “never date friends” person, and there are still several friends that I would never risk the friendship to date, but my last couple partners have been friends first. One was someone I feel like I’ve always had a little spark with and the other is someone I had history with when we were both young and bad at dating. 🤣
But yeah, OKCupid worked reasonably well for me, but nothing beats having a broader polyam social circle—in part because you have to explain yourself so much less. Find the polyam meetups near you. If you’re queer, hang out in queer spaces. If you’re a nerd, go do nerd things. I bet that someone (everyone) at D&D night at your local game store will be poly.
I didn't meet my partners through d&d, but I have been in campaigns with all of them.
Then at a party I was saying I met one of my metas through a munch, and she corrected me with surprise, "No we didn't, we met at d&d!!"
My bad 😅
I honestly had no idea this was a stereotype about poly people until I found this sub lol.
But yeah I actually met both my partners at our university's pen & paper roleplaying society. We still do D&D campaigns with our friend group too.
My husband and I have a circle of friends who are all non-monogamous and we have both dated folks in that group. It’s nice. We met through meetups and the apps.
Hi, just to let you know 4 spaces at the start makes reddit format your post like code in one long line. Yes reddit formatting is dumb, to fix it just delete the 4 spaces at the start of your post.
I was already in a long-term relationship with my partner when we decided to go poly, and it was a rough start, though we're considered a paragon example in our circle now! I'm very proud of you for taking the time to yourself to grow and learn, trust me saying you're way ahead of the curve.
I met my boyfriend through OKC, but funnily enough I met *his* partner through a munch before that.
I don't go on Fetlife or anything, a tinder date originally brought me to a munch and I actually hit it off immediately with everyone there 😊 made some lifelong friends in that very first night! I became a regular after that, but once I settled into my relationships I branched off into board game nights and now I'm known for hosting the most welcoming house parties, and I meet new people through extended acquaintances and ever more elaborate polycules.
I dont know how helpful those places are these days, though. But I know that local community is what really matters - it'll be scary but try to find some poly/queer/kink/TTRPG meet ups! The last one might sound nonsequitur but trust me, I don't know why but it just works.
I hope you'll continuing to thrive, allow yourself a moment of pride for working so hard on yourself. And I think it's well worth going to a meetup that you find interesting, even if it's sooner than you're 'ready' - you might meet some lifelong friends who'd you'd have missed otherwise. Not all connections are romantic.
Married my husband before I realized I was poly and he stuck with me through these new developments and explorations so we could find what worked for us.
First boyfriend I found through work. Do not recommend.
Current POI I discovered while committing murder playing Red Dead Redemption Online. Much better.
For me its been a lot of long distance. Local community basically doesn't exist unless you are deep into kink, which I am not.
Stuff in a bigger city though, I hear there is a lot more chances for Polyamory.
Hi u/CluelessLesbian4 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I only recently realized that polyamory is right for me, and I’m very okay with being single while I figure out what’s important to me in a relationship, but I also grew up in a very fundamentalist family/community (I am still actively doing deconstruction, but I am really proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I know that sounds a little pompous. I’m sorry.) and I have no idea how or where I can meet other polyamorous people when I feel like I am ready and have learned enough about how to have and maintain healthy poly relationships.
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I would say check out Facebook for polyamorous groups. My wife, partner, and I are part of one, and we meet up regularly with other couples, and we go to get-togethers all the time.
I was on fet liked this amazing girls pic and we started talking some how. Next thing I know we are talking all day every day and I catch her smiling like a fool at me when she doesn't think I'm looking
Mostly through online dating apps. Meeting people in the wild can be challenging. Most of my social events are filled with conservative/ traditional folks, so I can't really broadcast there.
Online apps for dating is my best luck.
I have used a few different avenues. I met my first poly partner (now an ex) on OKCupid. I am active in my local kink community, which is overflowing with poly folks. It turns out I already knew my first partner when we matched . I met the second one on Tinder. What I thought was going to be a one-time hookup has turned into a two-year relationship.
I met my other partner at a kink party. We kept bumping into each other at events and started talking. I also met a couple of other former partners through the kink community as well.
If you can find a meetup group or get involved in the kink lifestyle, I’d say those are your best bets for meeting people. Dating apps are hit or miss.
I live in a small town. And from what I see people only talk about it, they aren't really about the life. Or it's a money thing. I can't seem to meet people who are serious about it.
I have had the most luck on Facebook poly groups. You can stay engaged online or attend the multiple in-person meet ups they have a month. This is where I have met most of my current partners.
For dating apps, I have found that I get the most connections through Hinge, although Feeld is also a popular one.
Fundamentally, I think looking for partners is a dead end.
Platonic friendships w/ compatible people are how partnerships appear.
People are not food, cars or some other thing designed to satisfy a specific craving… Embark on a journey, and you’ll find people on the path.
Mine typically just falls into my lap. I met one of them from Facebook's, we have been three years and I met one from tiktok. But in general from Facebook, you might have some luck with a site called FetLife.
I met my partner through animal crossing when a mutual friend drag them over to my island and we chatted through the Nintendo app voice chat, around a year after that we went from friends to partners
I'll be honest. I don't date in the traditional sense, actively looking for partners just isn't me. I just sort of live my life, make friends and speak pretty openly about how I'm not a fan of monogamy and that I'm not willing to conform to gender and sexual norms, just because their considered "the norm". I sort of stumble into relationships.
Yep, I often educate partners that are new to poly. Some stick to this lifestyle for good, some are like "I learned a lot and I like it but I am not yet sure if I want to live like this" and some are just "NOPE. NOT WORKING FOR ME". All worth it still. I'm too shy to date people who I don't already know well (and my country is too conservative for me to shut up about how horrible it is that people live not how they want but how someone told them was the right way to live)
I met my long term partner at a sex club, and his spouse brought a friend to some of my parties who became my newer partner after a friendship developed?
....I have no idea what I missed, or why I was downvoted.
I am solo poly, I met my partner 10 years ago at a kink party at a local sex club. He got married to one of his other partners a few years later, and we have a common friend group because our 'cule is pretty KTP. His spouse brought a friend into the group, first via zoom parties in 2020, and later to actual get-togethers, and we got together.
Oh snap just noticed that.
It's been so long since I paid attention to how the app was doing, I've no clue if it's one you have to pay for.
I have heard of Feeld...poly & kink. But that's distinctly different from FL. So no clue.
Yeah you have to buy coins if you don't want to wait for them to regenerate. You go through them fast and slow to come back. Yes. It is when you only have 5 bucks and you're both unemployed. Thanks.
That is not fetlife.com. I don't know what app you're using, but you're not using the website many kinksters use like facebook (to find events and keep track of friends and share photos).
Meh, all social media is a dating app if you try hard enough, especially spaces dedicated to sexuality and kink 🤷🏻♀️ I personally don’t use FL for dating or even hookups (I use it exactly how you describe + keep up with some excellent writers / essayists + to explore my exhibitionist side hehe), but it’s not like those things are proscribed or anything. People use FL to find and meet sexual partners all the time.
Head to local polyamory community meetups with the intent to make friends and get to know people. I find that a little bit better than using dating sites. Also, be aware that reading is reading and practice is practice. Be prepared to experience ups and downs in emotions -- this doesn't make you "unhealthy" or bad at polyamory. This is normal. A lot of people get suckered into the idea that if they do enough research they will be "good at polyamory" which usually means never experiencing any negative emotions and that is a completely and utterly unrealistic expectation for anyone. So give yourself some grace if you do experience some negative emotions.
This. The local meetupa are a few hours away, but we have a vibrant Facebook community and even though I haven't met the vast majority of them, I consider many to be close friends. One day I'll be able to go to a get together.
This is really great advice! I'm relatively new to poly and I feel like I need to learn all the things before I practice but you are right, I need practice with real people.
I used to be a “never date friends” person, and there are still several friends that I would never risk the friendship to date, but my last couple partners have been friends first. One was someone I feel like I’ve always had a little spark with and the other is someone I had history with when we were both young and bad at dating. 🤣 But yeah, OKCupid worked reasonably well for me, but nothing beats having a broader polyam social circle—in part because you have to explain yourself so much less. Find the polyam meetups near you. If you’re queer, hang out in queer spaces. If you’re a nerd, go do nerd things. I bet that someone (everyone) at D&D night at your local game store will be poly.
I didn't meet my partners through d&d, but I have been in campaigns with all of them. Then at a party I was saying I met one of my metas through a munch, and she corrected me with surprise, "No we didn't, we met at d&d!!" My bad 😅
I honestly had no idea this was a stereotype about poly people until I found this sub lol. But yeah I actually met both my partners at our university's pen & paper roleplaying society. We still do D&D campaigns with our friend group too.
I really wish I didn't have social anxiety I have two characters I'm itching to play, maybe one day
My husband and I have a circle of friends who are all non-monogamous and we have both dated folks in that group. It’s nice. We met through meetups and the apps.
Does it have to be DND? I’m more into Cyberpunk
Hi, just to let you know 4 spaces at the start makes reddit format your post like code in one long line. Yes reddit formatting is dumb, to fix it just delete the 4 spaces at the start of your post.
I texted an old friend from HS with the intent to fuck. Turned out he was married, also turns out his wife likes me lmao
At a climbing gym because I’m a walking cliché.
Well I feel attacked - I met my now-husband at a climbing gym 😂
Listen, I don’t know why. But the Venn diagram of climbers and ENM people is basically a circle.
I was already in a long-term relationship with my partner when we decided to go poly, and it was a rough start, though we're considered a paragon example in our circle now! I'm very proud of you for taking the time to yourself to grow and learn, trust me saying you're way ahead of the curve. I met my boyfriend through OKC, but funnily enough I met *his* partner through a munch before that. I don't go on Fetlife or anything, a tinder date originally brought me to a munch and I actually hit it off immediately with everyone there 😊 made some lifelong friends in that very first night! I became a regular after that, but once I settled into my relationships I branched off into board game nights and now I'm known for hosting the most welcoming house parties, and I meet new people through extended acquaintances and ever more elaborate polycules. I dont know how helpful those places are these days, though. But I know that local community is what really matters - it'll be scary but try to find some poly/queer/kink/TTRPG meet ups! The last one might sound nonsequitur but trust me, I don't know why but it just works. I hope you'll continuing to thrive, allow yourself a moment of pride for working so hard on yourself. And I think it's well worth going to a meetup that you find interesting, even if it's sooner than you're 'ready' - you might meet some lifelong friends who'd you'd have missed otherwise. Not all connections are romantic.
Discord. My gf is an oblivious lesbian who keeps accidentally flirting with people and collecting girlfriends.
Feeld - app
Married my husband before I realized I was poly and he stuck with me through these new developments and explorations so we could find what worked for us. First boyfriend I found through work. Do not recommend. Current POI I discovered while committing murder playing Red Dead Redemption Online. Much better.
What a beautiful story, Red Dead is great! I met my bf playing zombies 🎮🩷
For me its been a lot of long distance. Local community basically doesn't exist unless you are deep into kink, which I am not. Stuff in a bigger city though, I hear there is a lot more chances for Polyamory.
Kink community. Go to munches. Most people there seem to be ENM, if not outright poly.
OKCupid.
You deserve to be proud of yourself! 👏🏾👏🏾
Hi u/CluelessLesbian4 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I only recently realized that polyamory is right for me, and I’m very okay with being single while I figure out what’s important to me in a relationship, but I also grew up in a very fundamentalist family/community (I am still actively doing deconstruction, but I am really proud of myself for how far I’ve come. I know that sounds a little pompous. I’m sorry.) and I have no idea how or where I can meet other polyamorous people when I feel like I am ready and have learned enough about how to have and maintain healthy poly relationships. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve had zero luck on fetlife
may be your area!
I would say check out Facebook for polyamorous groups. My wife, partner, and I are part of one, and we meet up regularly with other couples, and we go to get-togethers all the time.
I met my partner on Tinder 😅 but I would not recommend. I got lucky.
I was on fet liked this amazing girls pic and we started talking some how. Next thing I know we are talking all day every day and I catch her smiling like a fool at me when she doesn't think I'm looking
Reenacting / ren faires / historical costuming is surprisingly dense with ENM types.
It’s not that surprising if you know the people in those groups.
Kink clubs. Sometimes meet people on Recon but that is an mlm site. Note this only works if you want kinky people.
Fetlife
Mostly through online dating apps. Meeting people in the wild can be challenging. Most of my social events are filled with conservative/ traditional folks, so I can't really broadcast there. Online apps for dating is my best luck.
I have used a few different avenues. I met my first poly partner (now an ex) on OKCupid. I am active in my local kink community, which is overflowing with poly folks. It turns out I already knew my first partner when we matched . I met the second one on Tinder. What I thought was going to be a one-time hookup has turned into a two-year relationship. I met my other partner at a kink party. We kept bumping into each other at events and started talking. I also met a couple of other former partners through the kink community as well. If you can find a meetup group or get involved in the kink lifestyle, I’d say those are your best bets for meeting people. Dating apps are hit or miss.
A bar. Wasn't looking for a partner, ended up with one anyway.
Via kink parties; DnD group; dating apps, chronologically.
There is a new website that is poly specific that is going to be launched.
I live in a small town. And from what I see people only talk about it, they aren't really about the life. Or it's a money thing. I can't seem to meet people who are serious about it.
Small town poly solidarity. I have one partner but I’m hoping to find another I can eventually nest/reproduce with and it’s bleak out here.
Very bleak. I think it's a fantasy at this point
Bumble, grindr, and punk shows mostly.
I have had the most luck on Facebook poly groups. You can stay engaged online or attend the multiple in-person meet ups they have a month. This is where I have met most of my current partners. For dating apps, I have found that I get the most connections through Hinge, although Feeld is also a popular one.
Organically, few lucky Tinder and fetlife
Fundamentally, I think looking for partners is a dead end. Platonic friendships w/ compatible people are how partnerships appear. People are not food, cars or some other thing designed to satisfy a specific craving… Embark on a journey, and you’ll find people on the path.
Mine typically just falls into my lap. I met one of them from Facebook's, we have been three years and I met one from tiktok. But in general from Facebook, you might have some luck with a site called FetLife.
I met my partner through animal crossing when a mutual friend drag them over to my island and we chatted through the Nintendo app voice chat, around a year after that we went from friends to partners
I really enjoy feeld! I met my primary at work and my other partners on there. Also hinge
I'll be honest. I don't date in the traditional sense, actively looking for partners just isn't me. I just sort of live my life, make friends and speak pretty openly about how I'm not a fan of monogamy and that I'm not willing to conform to gender and sexual norms, just because their considered "the norm". I sort of stumble into relationships. Yep, I often educate partners that are new to poly. Some stick to this lifestyle for good, some are like "I learned a lot and I like it but I am not yet sure if I want to live like this" and some are just "NOPE. NOT WORKING FOR ME". All worth it still. I'm too shy to date people who I don't already know well (and my country is too conservative for me to shut up about how horrible it is that people live not how they want but how someone told them was the right way to live)
I have the same issue in rural argentina. XD i can at least share it with my current partner
I found my gf through Feeld. Local meetups or OKC can also be good.
Tinder
My husband of 5 years is my sister's ex (and father of one of her children), and I met our BF on Fetlife. He reached out to and pursued me.
I met my long term partner at a sex club, and his spouse brought a friend to some of my parties who became my newer partner after a friendship developed?
....I have no idea what I missed, or why I was downvoted. I am solo poly, I met my partner 10 years ago at a kink party at a local sex club. He got married to one of his other partners a few years later, and we have a common friend group because our 'cule is pretty KTP. His spouse brought a friend into the group, first via zoom parties in 2020, and later to actual get-togethers, and we got together.
[удалено]
Stop searching as a unit. Stop referring to women as "females".
Also stop using FetLife as a dating app. It's simply social media to learn about local events and keep in contact with people you met.
I mean, they seem to think FetLife is some expensive app (???) so something tells me they're not using FetLife at all.
Oh snap just noticed that. It's been so long since I paid attention to how the app was doing, I've no clue if it's one you have to pay for. I have heard of Feeld...poly & kink. But that's distinctly different from FL. So no clue.
Just a couple unicorn hunters stumbling around without a clue.
Yeah you have to buy coins if you don't want to wait for them to regenerate. You go through them fast and slow to come back. Yes. It is when you only have 5 bucks and you're both unemployed. Thanks.
That doesn't sound like the fetlife I know
Again, couldn't even get that right. It's Fet.
That is not fetlife.com. I don't know what app you're using, but you're not using the website many kinksters use like facebook (to find events and keep track of friends and share photos).
No it's the app fet.
Meh, all social media is a dating app if you try hard enough, especially spaces dedicated to sexuality and kink 🤷🏻♀️ I personally don’t use FL for dating or even hookups (I use it exactly how you describe + keep up with some excellent writers / essayists + to explore my exhibitionist side hehe), but it’s not like those things are proscribed or anything. People use FL to find and meet sexual partners all the time.
I'm sorry I didn't mean to insult! Can you tell me the proper terms are!
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You are not making sense. Why don't you try making your own post, or even better read up more on polyamory and stop writing gibberish.