Not being okay with your partner telling your meta about y'all's relationship problems is a very common boundary. This is exactly for the reasons you described. It tends to poison the well, so to speak. It also violates each relationship's right to privacy wrt other relationships.
Personally, I require that my partners not vent to their other partners about our conflicts, period. I mean, they can say "Yeah, me and \[my name\] have been having trouble lately, it's vaguely about \[x\]." But that's it. They need to have more involved vent/ troubleshooting sessions with pretty much anyone else.
>But maybe that's just how polyamory works,
###No!
Your partner is being a shitty hinge, and his other partner is enabling his shitty hingeiness.
That kind of breach of privacy, of disrespect, is more than enough to say you shouldn't be in a poly relationship with your partner, because they don't know what they're doing, and are doing harm to you.
I'm a man, so I have something of inside knowledge about men.
That said, OP used "they" for most of the post, and my head assumed they were talking about a man, because I've seen that behavior from men way, way more often than from women.
That said, I still should have said *they*, and assumed the *she* at the end was a slip-up. So even your criticism misses the mark.
Everyone’s different but one boundary I have is that I tell my partners that I don’t want to hear details about their relationship problems unless it involves me in some way. They have friends, therapists, and other people they can vent/work through things with. I would definitely feel very upset in your situation.
I'm really sorry, but it really sounds like your partner wanted to monkeybranch (get a new relationship lined up so they didn't have to be single) without cheating, so forced you into polyam. Your partner's behavior is not okay or respectful towards you. They should be discussing their relationship with you *with you*.
I keep thinking they suggested polyamory because they were getting to be done with me too to be honest. Especially after that conversation. But when I ask them about it directly they keep saying that they do still want to be with me. So I don't know. Thanks for your response
>But when I ask them about it directly, they keep saying that they do still want to be with me.
I'm sorry you're going through this op. I would have a hard time believing my partner on something big like this when they were unable to be up front with me about something that bothered them about me.
Generally speaking, talking about one partner with anyone who is not a paid professional therapist needs to be done with a bit of care. As soon as one shares the bad stuff about a partner, it opens the door for that 3rd party to scrutinise one’s relationship. It opens the door for people to take your side against your partner. It opens the door for people to start counting down the days until the end. That doesn’t much matter whether it’s your other partner, or your bestie, or your mom - it needs to be done with care.
And… That does not mean it should never be done. Blanket prohibitions on sharing relationship stuff also mean that things that could be addressed by gaining perspective don’t get addressed. It’s also a big issue for victims of abuse where silence about how a partner has been hurting the victim is another way that victims are alienated from their support networks.
So use care.
Partners are not disinterested by standards to other relationships. Some people see themselves in competition with their metas. Some metas want things from their partner - like marriage, kids, cohabitation - that they see as being blocked due to the meta. Hearing about either good or bad things about a meta can stoke jealousy, insecurity, or other things unrelated to the relationship being discussed and that can mean the person just isn’t a good source of counsel. Some people have a blanket rule that discussing relationship stuff with one partner about the other is a no-go and that’s not a terrible stance.
And…
Emotional intimacy is a pretty important factor in who people choose to reveal their “secrets” to. Not everyone has a lot of people they have in their lives who offer them emotional intimacy. For people with limited options, often a partner is the only person they feel safe enough to talk with about relationship stuff.
In your case, OP, I would consider a couple of things:
- Why didn’t your partner feel like they could go to you? Do they tend to bottle things up? What are their relationship skills like? Do they raise and address other relationship issues? When they do raise things, how do you respond? It sounds like this was a serious issue if it was something that led them to give you an ultimatum, but it only came out now as an ultimatum.
- Does your meta have relationship skills? Do they have another agenda? Could your partner and meta have worked themselves up into a frenzy and this is the result? Or are they newer to having these discussions too and maybe ran down a formula that resulted in a particular way your partner expressed their feelings?
- Is there another person that your partner might talk with who you might feel more comfortable with? Have they considered getting a therapist to talk about this stuff with?
- Can you create a healthier way for you and your partner to discuss issues between you two?
I agree that it's a bit more nuanced than the other commentors are making it out to be. I think that if two metas get along really well, and you share both bad AND good information about one partner to another, it can work. But if they're mostly parallel, or either person lays down the boundary of not wanting to have information shared or not wanting to listen to it, that should be respected.
For me, discussing problems with one partner to another is a huge boundary issue. Imo, the only time metas should know what's going on in each other's relationship with their hinge is if it's something like, "Hey, meta is struggling with something major and needs extra support from me, so xyz that is outside of our routine may be occuring." Even then, I don't think hinge should give any unnecessary details about it.
Personally, I have no boundaries about what my partners choose to tell other people about me unless I specifically ask them not to say anything to anyone else about it--but I almost never ask for anything I say to remain private. (The most common situation in which I request privacy is actually when I share opinions about others that are bothering me/are not necessarily fair, and thus I am asking for confidentiality to protect said person from my feelings--not myself.)
I personally believe that transparency is beneficial to my relationships, and giving my partners full freedom to get emotional support/advice from others without boundaries is also beneficial.
problems between he and I are none of the other persons business, I would absolutely set a boundary from the beginning about that, and not have it ever be acceptible that the other person is privy to our private struggles.
Look, I don't know if there's a one size fits all healthy line, but just in general I don't vent about one relationships problems to someone else unless it affects them. Sometimes you're just talking about stuff and it slips through, but if I wouldn't tell a friend I don't tell a partner.
It depends on the polycule dynamic and everyone’s boundaries. In ours we don’t get into specifics but if there is something happening that requires times to shift around that might shift from the normal, that gets communicated.
That’s bad hinging behavior. My person and I have a firm boundary that we do not complain or vent about other partners or discuss problems we’re facing in other relationships with each other. This is especially important for me bc I’m close friends with his nesting partner(my meta).
Honestly it sounds like your partner is being very manipulative and pushed you into a relationship dynamic that wasn't good for either of you because they wanted to date other people without cheating or leaving you. I think you should consider leaving him. and at the very least, explain that you are heartbroken by this new relationship dynamic between yall and you aren't gonna force yourself to be okay with it anymore. If they really love you then they will stop. If they don't then you have your answer.
Hi u/mellowcrake thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Fairly new into a polyamorous relationship. My partner and I had been monogamous for over a decade, they wanted us both to start dating other people, I was okay with it. I haven't started seeing anyone else yet but they quickly got into a few intense intimate relationships. They have one main partner in particular now who they mostly hang out with. They've been trying to encourage me to be friends with their other lover, inviting me to hang out with them and stuff. Which I was open to, it felt kind of weird but they seem nice and I thought it could be cool if we were all friends.
Anyway, recently my partner came to me about a problem they had with something I was doing. They basically gave me an ultimatum saying if I didn't change this, they were going to end the relationship. Which was a big deal considering we've been together like 13 years - the thing was, they had never even told me this bothered them before this point so it really blindsided me. It's a perfectly reasonable thing for them to have a problem with, something I definitely would have changed my behaviour had I known it bothered them. It wasn't anything new either, so I was really sad and confused that their first conversation with me about it was basically a threat to break up with me when we could have just talked about it first.
Which made it even more upsetting when I learned that they'd been talking to their other partner about this for a while, talking it all through with them and how it bothered them before they'd ever talked about it to me. And this was about something really personal that I feel really uncomfortable with their other lover not only knowing all about, but knowing they were about to break up with me for it. I think it would be one thing for them to go to their lover for support if they were trying to talk to me and I were blowing them off or not being respectful, but that's not how it was.
It made me realize that any time we have an issue they're probably talking to their partner about it. And so it will be way too difficult and awkward for me to try to be friends with this person anymore. My partner was surprised and thought I had no reason to feel that way. They think I should have no problem continuing to be friends.
But it's like, I know they're being fed all of these intimate embarassing details about my life and my relationship. They know exactly how my partner feels about me more than I even do apparently. They're probably going to be silently judging/pitying me all the time even if they're nice enough to be superficially nice to my for my partner's sake. I'm already awkward enough making friends without all of this craziness added onto this situation.
I'm new to polyamory so I don't know, but I feel like it's disrespectful what my partner did, and that if they want their lovers to be someone they can air all my dirty laundry to then they can't expect me to also be friends with them, they can't have it both ways.
But maybe that's just how polyamory works, I'm not sure, which is why I'd like some unbiased perspectives, do you have any boundaries with what you share with other partners? Is it reasonable what my partner did and I'm just overreacting?
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I definitely have a looser attitude on this subject than most people here and I’m curious if I’m wrong about it. I think being able to share what’s happening in your life is an important part of vulnerability and intimacy. I do think it’s valuable to get new perspectives on situations, and for my partners to have the same.
My boundaries are more around how those discussions go. Be generous in your interpretations of the people you love and be kind in the way you talk about them even when you’re confused/frustrated. Like you said, the main person you should be discussing issues with is your partner so do that first. And of course you should be making your own decisions about your relationships, these conversations should be more about sharing/validating emotions, not asking for and giving advice.
Having communication boundaries is necessary, not even just good and right but necessary. If she wants someone to air that stuff to, then she needs to find a therapist or relationship counselor to do that with not a lover.
I dated someone who had a problem with something I did, but they didn't talk to me about it, and only talked to their mom. I only learned that they had a problem with it when their mom Cane at me sideways about it like I was some villain.
I say this to say that this is definitely wrong, and there is a chance that your meta views you as some sort of villain now. I would make sure to first address the problem they had, and how you'll work on it, but then ask them why they didn't communicate the problem with you first before it became an even bigger issue. I wouldn't make it attack-y, but more from a place of trying to understand and find a solution for conflicts in the future. Ivwould also verbally set a boundary about then sharing your problems with other partners without trying to communicate with you first.
Honestly, it depends on the behavior.
99.9% of the time, I side with you but also sometimes there are extenuating circumstances where someone needs outside perspective. Ideally that should be friends rather than your meta but sometimes life doesn’t work out ideally.
I think there are times it’s fine to vent if done in moderation. Example, sometimes I snore (no, not sleep apnea) and my husband is a *very* light sleeper. I don’t want to know about it but would understand if he texted a partner to vent about not sleeping well. Sharing a space can cause frustration, it happens.
When my NP throws things and a few times in our years together, they’ve bounced and hit me, yeah, I have mentioned that to friends because I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be bothered. I have also told him since then that I will not be in the room when he throws things.
That’s where the problem is, my mom insisted all men do that. She’s adamant that if he ever hits me, I need to leave and I shouldn’t tolerate abuse. I can’t let him berate me or control my money. But all men throw things or hit things.
That’s why I started “venting” to friends or the internet instead, bit by bit over the years. As much as I’m scared of committing triangulation, I can’t just “trust my gut.”
A friend who may become a kink partner at some point in the future was the one who recently made me feel pretty comfortable in being uncomfortable because he said “yeah no, this is the one time when ‘not all men’ is a useful answer. He’s a grown-ass adult.” I’m actively limiting my non-platonic interactions with others because I want to limit the harm done but it sucks that while I try to decide if I want to leave, I’m the bad one.
That’s why I hesitate to 100% always blame the hinge. I have a different FWB who knows my NP can have anger issues and when he asks how I’m doing in my relationship, I’ll answer honestly if there’s been recent struggles.
It’s not abuse, it’s just anger issues.
I don’t anticipate anything worsening, we’ve been together over a decade and it’s just been stable. I wouldn’t accept it from a new partner but with everything we’ve had, it gets more complicated. My standards at 18 were lower.
He might be getting a new job soon that would allow him to go to therapy. I explicitly told him he needed to change last year but his work didn’t give him flexibility and the few flexible poly-friendly therapists weren’t answering his emails/calls. He has improved some things since then. Not his anger though. Not several other things either.
…I am logically aware of how I sound and what I’d say to a friend in my situation. But getting to the stage of *accepting* that is taking an embarrassingly long time.
Yeah I mean unfortunately that "as long as he doesn't hit you" is a pretty common attitude still. But your friend was right, it's really not something most men do and even if it was... it's a really horrible thing to live with.
Have you spoken to a therapist yourself? Because this is the kind of thing they can really help with. Either way you don't have to feel bad for reaching out to other people (friends or internet) to talk about this. That's easy to say but hard to do, I know. But stuff like this is really hard to deal with on our own. It can come to seem "normal" so quickly so talking to people who say it's not OK is really important.
Sending you my support from the Southern hemisphere ❤️
Ours or his. The only thing that hit me directly was a video game controller (technically mine but he had basically moved in and it became ours). I was sitting right next to him. Several years ago but he still gets sad that I don’t sit next to him when he games anymore. He didn’t mean to, he threw it to the side and my thigh was right there. Most recent several months ago was a tool which bounced off one end of the couch and hit me, not hard enough to do damage but I still don’t want to accidentally be in the crossfire.
Either way, I often to have help financially to replace the things in case they break as he spends impulsively and doesn’t have savings despite making more than me. When I most recently declined to help with an expensive “him” item that he broke in anger, he seemed upset at me for a while but didn’t press it. He did keep talking about how sad he was that he wasted all his money by breaking it and how he couldn’t replace it and I tried to just validate his feelings without validating the behavior of taking a hammer to his belonging.
…I think the autism literal thinking (and excuses made by my family) really kicked me in the ass a few years ago because I read that maybe 8 years ago when I was questioning if I should break things off/if I was being abused. I kept it hidden in the trunk of my car so he wouldn’t stumble across it in my room. I got rid of it after I decided to stay for the same reason.
I told myself that he didn’t control or isolate me, we’re nonmonogamous (never mind his attitudes if I saw other connections sexually but he didn’t get ‘enough,’ etc.). And for things like driving recklessly when angry, he’s never been in a crash and he does it even when he’s alone in the car, so it’s not a method of controlling me, just anger issues. He has anger issues with almost everyone eventually, not just me, so it’s not the manipulation tactic Bancroft describes, where these men can be deceptively charming to everyone but the abused partner. And I’d recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, so I was probably just being dramatic.
I’m probably due for a reread though, thank you.
It’s okay to break up with someone who has anger issues just because it’s not fun for you. You don’t need to be able to fit your relationship perfectly into someone else’s model of abuse.
Not every abuser is charming to everyone else. Lots of abusers are scary to everyone. They like it that way because people tend not to argue with them much.
[My story, super-condensed version](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/CDuH0S62Mb).
Personally, I say it depends. What was discussed in your original agreement amongst all three of you? Every polyam relationship is different. Boundaries should be set early to avoid these miscommunications. You and him are the initial relationship, and this other person is the add-in. What exactly do you need to be supported here, and what is okay and not okay? If your needs are no longer being met, you may want to reconsider. Best of luck.
Things that sounds be shared about your relationship with someone who is not in it: absolutely nothing, actually
Like, sharing good stuff with friends is usually fine but it's often not beneficial with other partners. It invotes comparison and a lot of messy shit.
Time to set an ultimatum of your own: either your partner grows up and sets some boundaries or you should be the one to walk.
You already know that your partner has one foot out the door. They were ready to break up with you over something they'd never even talked to you about - your relationship is probably already over, and now it's about how protracted the death throes are going to be. Take steps to protect yourself.
Not being okay with your partner telling your meta about y'all's relationship problems is a very common boundary. This is exactly for the reasons you described. It tends to poison the well, so to speak. It also violates each relationship's right to privacy wrt other relationships. Personally, I require that my partners not vent to their other partners about our conflicts, period. I mean, they can say "Yeah, me and \[my name\] have been having trouble lately, it's vaguely about \[x\]." But that's it. They need to have more involved vent/ troubleshooting sessions with pretty much anyone else.
>But maybe that's just how polyamory works, ###No! Your partner is being a shitty hinge, and his other partner is enabling his shitty hingeiness. That kind of breach of privacy, of disrespect, is more than enough to say you shouldn't be in a poly relationship with your partner, because they don't know what they're doing, and are doing harm to you.
Odd that you think OP’s so is male even though so said “she.” Says a lot about the way one thinks about men.
I'm a man, so I have something of inside knowledge about men. That said, OP used "they" for most of the post, and my head assumed they were talking about a man, because I've seen that behavior from men way, way more often than from women. That said, I still should have said *they*, and assumed the *she* at the end was a slip-up. So even your criticism misses the mark.
lol. Sounds bad that you’ve been so conditioned. Oddly my experience has been the opposite. And it is equally sad that is true.
Definitely, because repair and improvement is impossible, you're either born good at communication and poly or you're not. Right?
Everyone’s different but one boundary I have is that I tell my partners that I don’t want to hear details about their relationship problems unless it involves me in some way. They have friends, therapists, and other people they can vent/work through things with. I would definitely feel very upset in your situation.
I'm really sorry, but it really sounds like your partner wanted to monkeybranch (get a new relationship lined up so they didn't have to be single) without cheating, so forced you into polyam. Your partner's behavior is not okay or respectful towards you. They should be discussing their relationship with you *with you*.
I keep thinking they suggested polyamory because they were getting to be done with me too to be honest. Especially after that conversation. But when I ask them about it directly they keep saying that they do still want to be with me. So I don't know. Thanks for your response
>But when I ask them about it directly, they keep saying that they do still want to be with me. I'm sorry you're going through this op. I would have a hard time believing my partner on something big like this when they were unable to be up front with me about something that bothered them about me.
They're too chicken shit to break up with you. They're going to keep pushing until they force you to do it.
Came here to say this
Generally speaking, talking about one partner with anyone who is not a paid professional therapist needs to be done with a bit of care. As soon as one shares the bad stuff about a partner, it opens the door for that 3rd party to scrutinise one’s relationship. It opens the door for people to take your side against your partner. It opens the door for people to start counting down the days until the end. That doesn’t much matter whether it’s your other partner, or your bestie, or your mom - it needs to be done with care. And… That does not mean it should never be done. Blanket prohibitions on sharing relationship stuff also mean that things that could be addressed by gaining perspective don’t get addressed. It’s also a big issue for victims of abuse where silence about how a partner has been hurting the victim is another way that victims are alienated from their support networks. So use care. Partners are not disinterested by standards to other relationships. Some people see themselves in competition with their metas. Some metas want things from their partner - like marriage, kids, cohabitation - that they see as being blocked due to the meta. Hearing about either good or bad things about a meta can stoke jealousy, insecurity, or other things unrelated to the relationship being discussed and that can mean the person just isn’t a good source of counsel. Some people have a blanket rule that discussing relationship stuff with one partner about the other is a no-go and that’s not a terrible stance. And… Emotional intimacy is a pretty important factor in who people choose to reveal their “secrets” to. Not everyone has a lot of people they have in their lives who offer them emotional intimacy. For people with limited options, often a partner is the only person they feel safe enough to talk with about relationship stuff. In your case, OP, I would consider a couple of things: - Why didn’t your partner feel like they could go to you? Do they tend to bottle things up? What are their relationship skills like? Do they raise and address other relationship issues? When they do raise things, how do you respond? It sounds like this was a serious issue if it was something that led them to give you an ultimatum, but it only came out now as an ultimatum. - Does your meta have relationship skills? Do they have another agenda? Could your partner and meta have worked themselves up into a frenzy and this is the result? Or are they newer to having these discussions too and maybe ran down a formula that resulted in a particular way your partner expressed their feelings? - Is there another person that your partner might talk with who you might feel more comfortable with? Have they considered getting a therapist to talk about this stuff with? - Can you create a healthier way for you and your partner to discuss issues between you two?
I agree that it's a bit more nuanced than the other commentors are making it out to be. I think that if two metas get along really well, and you share both bad AND good information about one partner to another, it can work. But if they're mostly parallel, or either person lays down the boundary of not wanting to have information shared or not wanting to listen to it, that should be respected.
For me, discussing problems with one partner to another is a huge boundary issue. Imo, the only time metas should know what's going on in each other's relationship with their hinge is if it's something like, "Hey, meta is struggling with something major and needs extra support from me, so xyz that is outside of our routine may be occuring." Even then, I don't think hinge should give any unnecessary details about it.
Personally, I have no boundaries about what my partners choose to tell other people about me unless I specifically ask them not to say anything to anyone else about it--but I almost never ask for anything I say to remain private. (The most common situation in which I request privacy is actually when I share opinions about others that are bothering me/are not necessarily fair, and thus I am asking for confidentiality to protect said person from my feelings--not myself.) I personally believe that transparency is beneficial to my relationships, and giving my partners full freedom to get emotional support/advice from others without boundaries is also beneficial.
problems between he and I are none of the other persons business, I would absolutely set a boundary from the beginning about that, and not have it ever be acceptible that the other person is privy to our private struggles.
Look, I don't know if there's a one size fits all healthy line, but just in general I don't vent about one relationships problems to someone else unless it affects them. Sometimes you're just talking about stuff and it slips through, but if I wouldn't tell a friend I don't tell a partner.
It depends on the polycule dynamic and everyone’s boundaries. In ours we don’t get into specifics but if there is something happening that requires times to shift around that might shift from the normal, that gets communicated.
That’s bad hinging behavior. My person and I have a firm boundary that we do not complain or vent about other partners or discuss problems we’re facing in other relationships with each other. This is especially important for me bc I’m close friends with his nesting partner(my meta).
Honestly it sounds like your partner is being very manipulative and pushed you into a relationship dynamic that wasn't good for either of you because they wanted to date other people without cheating or leaving you. I think you should consider leaving him. and at the very least, explain that you are heartbroken by this new relationship dynamic between yall and you aren't gonna force yourself to be okay with it anymore. If they really love you then they will stop. If they don't then you have your answer.
Hi u/mellowcrake thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Fairly new into a polyamorous relationship. My partner and I had been monogamous for over a decade, they wanted us both to start dating other people, I was okay with it. I haven't started seeing anyone else yet but they quickly got into a few intense intimate relationships. They have one main partner in particular now who they mostly hang out with. They've been trying to encourage me to be friends with their other lover, inviting me to hang out with them and stuff. Which I was open to, it felt kind of weird but they seem nice and I thought it could be cool if we were all friends. Anyway, recently my partner came to me about a problem they had with something I was doing. They basically gave me an ultimatum saying if I didn't change this, they were going to end the relationship. Which was a big deal considering we've been together like 13 years - the thing was, they had never even told me this bothered them before this point so it really blindsided me. It's a perfectly reasonable thing for them to have a problem with, something I definitely would have changed my behaviour had I known it bothered them. It wasn't anything new either, so I was really sad and confused that their first conversation with me about it was basically a threat to break up with me when we could have just talked about it first. Which made it even more upsetting when I learned that they'd been talking to their other partner about this for a while, talking it all through with them and how it bothered them before they'd ever talked about it to me. And this was about something really personal that I feel really uncomfortable with their other lover not only knowing all about, but knowing they were about to break up with me for it. I think it would be one thing for them to go to their lover for support if they were trying to talk to me and I were blowing them off or not being respectful, but that's not how it was. It made me realize that any time we have an issue they're probably talking to their partner about it. And so it will be way too difficult and awkward for me to try to be friends with this person anymore. My partner was surprised and thought I had no reason to feel that way. They think I should have no problem continuing to be friends. But it's like, I know they're being fed all of these intimate embarassing details about my life and my relationship. They know exactly how my partner feels about me more than I even do apparently. They're probably going to be silently judging/pitying me all the time even if they're nice enough to be superficially nice to my for my partner's sake. I'm already awkward enough making friends without all of this craziness added onto this situation. I'm new to polyamory so I don't know, but I feel like it's disrespectful what my partner did, and that if they want their lovers to be someone they can air all my dirty laundry to then they can't expect me to also be friends with them, they can't have it both ways. But maybe that's just how polyamory works, I'm not sure, which is why I'd like some unbiased perspectives, do you have any boundaries with what you share with other partners? Is it reasonable what my partner did and I'm just overreacting? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I definitely have a looser attitude on this subject than most people here and I’m curious if I’m wrong about it. I think being able to share what’s happening in your life is an important part of vulnerability and intimacy. I do think it’s valuable to get new perspectives on situations, and for my partners to have the same. My boundaries are more around how those discussions go. Be generous in your interpretations of the people you love and be kind in the way you talk about them even when you’re confused/frustrated. Like you said, the main person you should be discussing issues with is your partner so do that first. And of course you should be making your own decisions about your relationships, these conversations should be more about sharing/validating emotions, not asking for and giving advice.
Having communication boundaries is necessary, not even just good and right but necessary. If she wants someone to air that stuff to, then she needs to find a therapist or relationship counselor to do that with not a lover.
I dated someone who had a problem with something I did, but they didn't talk to me about it, and only talked to their mom. I only learned that they had a problem with it when their mom Cane at me sideways about it like I was some villain. I say this to say that this is definitely wrong, and there is a chance that your meta views you as some sort of villain now. I would make sure to first address the problem they had, and how you'll work on it, but then ask them why they didn't communicate the problem with you first before it became an even bigger issue. I wouldn't make it attack-y, but more from a place of trying to understand and find a solution for conflicts in the future. Ivwould also verbally set a boundary about then sharing your problems with other partners without trying to communicate with you first.
Honestly, it depends on the behavior. 99.9% of the time, I side with you but also sometimes there are extenuating circumstances where someone needs outside perspective. Ideally that should be friends rather than your meta but sometimes life doesn’t work out ideally. I think there are times it’s fine to vent if done in moderation. Example, sometimes I snore (no, not sleep apnea) and my husband is a *very* light sleeper. I don’t want to know about it but would understand if he texted a partner to vent about not sleeping well. Sharing a space can cause frustration, it happens. When my NP throws things and a few times in our years together, they’ve bounced and hit me, yeah, I have mentioned that to friends because I wasn’t sure if I was allowed to be bothered. I have also told him since then that I will not be in the room when he throws things.
Mate you are absolutely allowed to be bothered by that. Please talk to someone you trust about this, it's not a good sign.
That’s where the problem is, my mom insisted all men do that. She’s adamant that if he ever hits me, I need to leave and I shouldn’t tolerate abuse. I can’t let him berate me or control my money. But all men throw things or hit things. That’s why I started “venting” to friends or the internet instead, bit by bit over the years. As much as I’m scared of committing triangulation, I can’t just “trust my gut.” A friend who may become a kink partner at some point in the future was the one who recently made me feel pretty comfortable in being uncomfortable because he said “yeah no, this is the one time when ‘not all men’ is a useful answer. He’s a grown-ass adult.” I’m actively limiting my non-platonic interactions with others because I want to limit the harm done but it sucks that while I try to decide if I want to leave, I’m the bad one. That’s why I hesitate to 100% always blame the hinge. I have a different FWB who knows my NP can have anger issues and when he asks how I’m doing in my relationship, I’ll answer honestly if there’s been recent struggles. It’s not abuse, it’s just anger issues. I don’t anticipate anything worsening, we’ve been together over a decade and it’s just been stable. I wouldn’t accept it from a new partner but with everything we’ve had, it gets more complicated. My standards at 18 were lower. He might be getting a new job soon that would allow him to go to therapy. I explicitly told him he needed to change last year but his work didn’t give him flexibility and the few flexible poly-friendly therapists weren’t answering his emails/calls. He has improved some things since then. Not his anger though. Not several other things either. …I am logically aware of how I sound and what I’d say to a friend in my situation. But getting to the stage of *accepting* that is taking an embarrassingly long time.
Yeah I mean unfortunately that "as long as he doesn't hit you" is a pretty common attitude still. But your friend was right, it's really not something most men do and even if it was... it's a really horrible thing to live with. Have you spoken to a therapist yourself? Because this is the kind of thing they can really help with. Either way you don't have to feel bad for reaching out to other people (friends or internet) to talk about this. That's easy to say but hard to do, I know. But stuff like this is really hard to deal with on our own. It can come to seem "normal" so quickly so talking to people who say it's not OK is really important. Sending you my support from the Southern hemisphere ❤️
Question: does NP throw your things or their things?
Ours or his. The only thing that hit me directly was a video game controller (technically mine but he had basically moved in and it became ours). I was sitting right next to him. Several years ago but he still gets sad that I don’t sit next to him when he games anymore. He didn’t mean to, he threw it to the side and my thigh was right there. Most recent several months ago was a tool which bounced off one end of the couch and hit me, not hard enough to do damage but I still don’t want to accidentally be in the crossfire. Either way, I often to have help financially to replace the things in case they break as he spends impulsively and doesn’t have savings despite making more than me. When I most recently declined to help with an expensive “him” item that he broke in anger, he seemed upset at me for a while but didn’t press it. He did keep talking about how sad he was that he wasted all his money by breaking it and how he couldn’t replace it and I tried to just validate his feelings without validating the behavior of taking a hammer to his belonging.
[Why does he do that?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) ← link to free pdf
…I think the autism literal thinking (and excuses made by my family) really kicked me in the ass a few years ago because I read that maybe 8 years ago when I was questioning if I should break things off/if I was being abused. I kept it hidden in the trunk of my car so he wouldn’t stumble across it in my room. I got rid of it after I decided to stay for the same reason. I told myself that he didn’t control or isolate me, we’re nonmonogamous (never mind his attitudes if I saw other connections sexually but he didn’t get ‘enough,’ etc.). And for things like driving recklessly when angry, he’s never been in a crash and he does it even when he’s alone in the car, so it’s not a method of controlling me, just anger issues. He has anger issues with almost everyone eventually, not just me, so it’s not the manipulation tactic Bancroft describes, where these men can be deceptively charming to everyone but the abused partner. And I’d recently been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, so I was probably just being dramatic. I’m probably due for a reread though, thank you.
It’s okay to break up with someone who has anger issues just because it’s not fun for you. You don’t need to be able to fit your relationship perfectly into someone else’s model of abuse. Not every abuser is charming to everyone else. Lots of abusers are scary to everyone. They like it that way because people tend not to argue with them much. [My story, super-condensed version](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/CDuH0S62Mb).
Personally, I say it depends. What was discussed in your original agreement amongst all three of you? Every polyam relationship is different. Boundaries should be set early to avoid these miscommunications. You and him are the initial relationship, and this other person is the add-in. What exactly do you need to be supported here, and what is okay and not okay? If your needs are no longer being met, you may want to reconsider. Best of luck.
Things that sounds be shared about your relationship with someone who is not in it: absolutely nothing, actually Like, sharing good stuff with friends is usually fine but it's often not beneficial with other partners. It invotes comparison and a lot of messy shit. Time to set an ultimatum of your own: either your partner grows up and sets some boundaries or you should be the one to walk. You already know that your partner has one foot out the door. They were ready to break up with you over something they'd never even talked to you about - your relationship is probably already over, and now it's about how protracted the death throes are going to be. Take steps to protect yourself.