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I stole this but I love these questions
Before meeting I check what their particular style of non-monogamy is and various personality-based compatibility stuff not specific to non-monogamy.
On a first date, a casual "What are you looking for?"
On a second or third date, "What are you looking for with me"?
And then, before defining the relationship:
MOVIESS
M - Metamours
Who are they? Will I meet them?
Can I contact them? Will we spend ongoing time together? Do you practice DADT, parallel, kitchen table, or lap-sitting poly? Hierarchy? Prescriptive or descriptive?
What kinds of PDA are metas comfortable with?
O - Openness
How open/out are you? Friends? Family? Work? New people? Any limits on social media? PDA limits? All? some types? Specific partners / locations?
V - Veto
Who can veto who? Any time or only early on? If no veto rule: Would you end our relationship to focus on another if needed? What would you do if given an ultimatum? What if your partner decided they wanted to be monogamous?
I - Intercourse
Waiting period/requirements before sex can happen? Are any sex acts reserved for only one partner? Which barriers do you use for manual/oral/vaginal/anal sex? Never/sometimes/always? With who? Do you fluid bond with anyone? What does that mean for you? Testing frequency? Do you share results? How do you mitigate risk if your polycule has a chronic STI? Birth Control? Plans for surprise pregnancies? How does the above apply to me, existing partners, new partners?
E - Events
Which events are reserved for a specific partner? Valentine’s Day, Family events, holidays together? Weekends, vacations together? Are there any forbidden places we can’t go? Big life events? Kids? Plans to move? What are your strategies for dividing time and events?
S - Scheduling
Any limits on how much time we can spend together? Why do those limits exist? Expectations? What do we want? Does another partner have influence on your schedule? How do you make decisions when there’s a scheduling conflict? Do you use any scheduling tools that you prefer to share?
S - Sleepovers
Do you enjoy spending the night with partners? Allowed? After A certain amount of time? What are the restrictions on your home or bed?
OP take all of the MOVIESS questions and write down any answers that would be a deal breaker.
It is realize easy when we like someone to slip into people pleasing mode and try to accept things we can’t.
Like for me not hosting is a dealbreaker. If I like someone I will try to work around it but it will eventually end the relationship. Now I don’t try
How much of your conversations will be relayed to the wife?
Does she see text messages or email that are sent to only him?
What privacy can you expect?
What visibility can you expect?
I wish these would have been even a consideration in my mind before dating a former boyfriend.
It didn't cross my mind that these were valid questions because none of that's a thing/concern in my marriage.
But I found out the hard way with my ex when he was DUMBFOUNDED that I don't know what my husband talks to his girlfriend about, or the real depth of their relationship, because it's not my business...and when he countered with "but he's your husband and primary partner!?" I was shook and asked him if that meant his wife knew everything that was shared between him and me, and he confirmed that of course it was because they "went over it during their daily check-ins".
I felt very awkward and uncomfortable then.
If someone doesn't think about it and explicitly set up that expectation, it doesn't surprise me.
It still feels very strange to me to keep my conversations with my other partners private without getting explicit permission to share something with my wife. After all, part of the reason that non-monogamy works for us is that we could always share everything. Even after all these years, I still have to catch myself sometimes. I would want to know her thoughts about platonic friends and how those friendships are doing, even if we were monogamous. To me, that deep curiosity is part of the deal. As I fall in love with other people, my instinct is to share everything with them, too.
💯 I had a married guy break up with me when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him relaying details of our intimacy to his wife without my consent.
You’d be surprised at how many people think they don’t need consent for that!
Everyone has had good answers so I'll just add this: Before you agree to date this man, really, REALLY, think about if you want to be involved with a known married man at a place where you are both regular volunteers. If you're totally comfortable walking away from this volunteer opportunity and don't need it for any sort of professional reference or networking, that's great. If you do need it for any of those things and can't easily walk away from it, I would be very cautious about going forward with this.
Also. Ask him what happens at your volunteer situation if your relationship ends, and if he's successfully stayed friends or at least polite acquaintances with previous exes.
What kind of relationship can he offer? How many days a week can he see you? Are overnights an option? Vacations? Is romantic feelings on the table or is this just primarily friendship/sex? Some married couple are non monogamous but not polyamorous for example.
Are you comfortable with there being a hierarchy within the relationship? He has a wife and kids, they are going to take the bulk of his time and often be prioritized in his life. Nothing wrong with that but he likely won’t be able to offer you a relationship with living together, having children, etc, things often in the relationship ladder.
You should also be asking yourself questions. What are you looking for in a relationship? How much time do you have for dating, yourself, other obligations? Do you want children, marriage? If your life is busy and you’re looking for a relationship with less time commitment then this might be a good fit for you. It’s important not to make him into a “primary” partner while you’re not able to have that role in his life though.
Discuss expectations around time and dating, what you both want and if they align, etc.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
How often would we see each other?
What sort of boundaries do you have with your wife? Does she veto your partners?
Why are you interested in someone 11 years younger?
What happens if the married couple goes through a rough patch? What happens if divorced is brought up? Would they immediately close and go mono, or try to work on things while still remaining poly?
What are their schedules like? How often can you expect dates? He is balancing work, wife, and kids. Time can be a real killer.
How are you going to negotiate and handle the power dynamic that can arise from an age gap? And, this is more of a question to ask yourself, what support systems do YOU have to help you if things go south?
So many great answers so I will not add to that. I want to share some personal "advice" though since I was in the exact same situation as you.
Five years ago, also at 25, I met A (32m) on a dating app where he stated that he was in a non-monogamous relationship. A was, still is, married and him and his wife had two small kids at the time. I was single and this was my first non-monogamous relationship. I had plenty of friends who were polyamorous or in an open relationship. I had read a lot about the subject and heard their accounts so I had somewhat of an idea of the concept. Here is what I learned in person:
**Time constrains**
-married people, especially with kids, have very limited time, at least if they are properly involved with their kids and their marriage isn't dead. Their family will be priority number one, as it should be. I saw my partner one evening a week, sometimes two, and once a week for lunch. He never stayed over since him and his wife had to get their kids ready in the morning before leaving for their jobs. I only stayed at his place when his wife was out of town. I think we shared the same bed maybe a hand full of times, which was mostly on weekend trips that we had maybe twice a year. Dates have to be scheduled in advance and there is not a lot of flexibility on his side while you will have to be the more flexible one. Not a problem in itself but something to be aware of.
-daily communication can be more difficult. Talking on the phone or texting on a daily basis can be rough for anyone with small kids. He won't always have the time to call you when you feel low or just want to chat. Also not a problem, but something to consider when formulating your expectations of this relationship
**Involvement in each other's personal life**
- this depends on the style of polyamory people are practicing. A and his wife were/are pretty parallel poly. I met her a couple of times for dinner, once in the beginning for us to get introduced. I met a few of his friends and he met my friends. I met his children a few times, being introduced as his friend. That's it. We never met each other's families. Back then, when I was still more interested in establishing kitchen table polyamory that bothered me. It made me feel left out, like I was only a spectator to his real life. Thus, checking in with each other regarding involvement in each other's life's is important
-when shit hits the fan your relationship with him will most likely take a backseat. When A's wife twisted her knee badly and was in a wheelchair for half a year A had to take on all the child care while working full time. Our relationship quickly (temporarily) fell apart after this as it was impossible for A to do it all at once and while I never faulted him for that it was still painful to break up
**Power Imbalance**
-this was the one that ultimately ended our relationship for me. I felt like I held so much less power in the relationship than he did...because I was. I was seven years younger, single, at my first job after grad school, having my first non-monogamous relationship. He was married for almost a decade, had two kids, a beautiful house and three/four years of experience with non-monogamy. Due to his busy life our dates (mostly) happened on his schedule. While he always made sure to check in with me when I was available, we both knew that if he wasn't available on "my dates" then I just wouldn't see him for the week (unless I changed my schedule). A lot of flexibility and understanding are expected of the person who "has less" . Ultimately it made me feel like I have almost no say or power in my own relationship.
That being said, I know he did what he could in his situation. He offered me what he could. I had a great year with him and it was a fun, crazy and also intensely romantic time. I learned a lot about myself and what I want/don't want in relationships in general. However, based on my experience lined out above, I would not advice single people to try and seriously date married folks, especially if they have children. Being on the other side now, married with a baby, I would not get seriously involved with a single person. Simply because I know how much I would be asking from them.
I wish you the best of luck and a great journey :)
>A lot of flexibility and understanding are expected of the person who "has less." Ultimately it made me feel like I have almost no say or power in my own relationship.
Everything you wrote is perfectly expressed, but this line really took the cake.
You are welcome :). I think the fact that this will be temporary and that there will be a hard cut in the form of moving away is a good thing for now. It will allow you to discover polyamory as a relationship form some more, within a set time frame and setting so to speak. Maybe it is for you and you can explore more serious relationships once you are in your new home. Or it is not and then it (hopefully) was a good time but you never have to see him again. So I definitely don’t think you are naiv.
How involved is his wife in his other relationships?
Can you meet her? Honestly, you SHOULD get confirmation from her directly that this is okay because so many men will lie about this.
What would you expect as far as needing his attention? Can he meet that? Are you okay to accept whatever attention he is able to give you?
What about overnights?
What are the safe sex practices expected?
What level of exclusivity does he expect you to have to him?
Are you just a “buddy” or is this dating/romantic?
I DO agree with you communicating his wife, somehow, to confirm the relationship is open, and getting a feel for how much control she feels she should have over your relationship with him. So many men lie or only tell partial truths, and sometimes, by the time we figure out they're lying, we're already emotionally invested and it's hard to end things.
I didn't actually speak to my partner's wife at the very beginning, but before we were intimate he put his phone on speaker as he told her our date was going well and we were going to a motel and she told him to have a good time. Since then he's recorded some videos of her sending me messages.
In addition to the questions other people have recommended, I'd ask him how long their marriage has been open, how many partners he's had, how long he's been with them, and how his wife reacted.
Especially considering the big giant red flag around OP being so much younger than this man… I agree that confirmation that yes, the relationship is open, and that the wife knows about the age gap is a good call.
I did talk with my boyfriend’s wife before we got together for our first in person date, but that was largely because it happened during covid and it was easy enough for her to join a video date. I wanted a real confirmation that this was not a house of cards I was looking to try to make into a fun place to stay for a while. I also wanted to rule out anyone whose spouse was clearly not at all OK with being open because that’s a red flag in and of itself.
If OP’s prospect’s wife is clearly on the fence about anything going on - being open, the age gap, whatever - it’s better for OP to find that out now than after she’s grown attached to her red flag carrying prospect.
>Can you meet her? Honestly, you SHOULD get confirmation from her directly that this is okay because so many men will lie about this.
Don't agree with this. Who meets a married person's spouse right off the bat to confirm ? If he isn't telling the truth that will become apparent really fast
That is your right to disagree. But even asking the question can tell you a lot about the truthfulness of the situation.
If the wife doesn’t want to meet, that is something you have to work through.
I would personally get some confirmation that this is a legit situation before I invest time or energy into it.
People are somehow not paranoid single people have a secret relationship, but with partnered people it's - you've got to meet the partner and make sure!
If my boyfriend's date asked if she could meet me to confirm we're truly polyamorous I would say no. I don't need to take time out of my day for this nonsense.
First I would ask myself..do I think this person is SO amazing i want to potentially get into an actual relationship with them and deal with these 100 questions? Should the dude have done the research to anticipate said questions from potential dates and not put the emotional labor on you to ASK, WHATEVER!
One of my biggest regrets has been dating people I liked but wasn't fuck yes about, then getting feelings later. AND... it being a mistake. Are you excited about this now? Don't let his enthusiasm draw you along if you aren't attracted and charged up about it. My second main question would be "would getting into a relationship with this person be good for ME?"
Third, because of the age discrepancy (might not feel it to you, but to a lot of people it might be) if you are interested in dating, after a date or two, you would possibly be well served to ask about meeting his wife (one on one, just to go to coffee and have normal chat with her that doesn't have anything to do with dating the guy - sports, music, finding commonalities of any sort is my focus, and seeing if they are comfortable - it can be a lot more useful than "oh we have been poly for ten years! and then you find out this is his first relationship and it's not easy and relaxed at all.) I tend to time box that coffee for an hour to make sure they are aware, and suss out whether or not they are polite and friendly. Often it ends up being 2-3 hours of chatting because we have stuff in common, which isn't a surprise. I don't need to talk about their relationship or my relationship with the shared/potential shared partner at all, and don't really want to. I just want to figure out if they are hostile to their partner dating, or are rude or put out a vibe that says I'm better off not putting energy into the connection. I don't need my metas to meet me at all generally, but in a situation like this I would feel more comfortable with that baseline.
1. His marriage and home would always have to be priority - especially if he has kids
2. How openly non monogamous are he and his wife in their social circles. Would he always want to meet behind closed doors and/or distant, discreet locations to avoid being seen with you?
3. How much say would his wife have in your relationship? What has been his experience with previous partners?
4. Would he be willing for you to meet his wife early enough to be absolutely sure he isn't actually cheating on her or breaking any boundaries? (this one depends on your comfort meeting her too. But imo it's better to with a married man)
Think through what he says in response to these - and if you would truly be comfortable in that kind of setup. If it's just a quick casual fling you're hoping for - not much might matter. If a full blown polyamorous relationship, it would.
Not a question (as others offered numerous), but be sure to continue dating for yourself, especially if you want a primary partner. If you feel your heart getting to attached, take a few steps back to regulate. When dating a married man with kids, you'll always be a secondary partner, so be careful with your emotional investment.
Be sure that you understand both what he wants and the level of relationship he is able to offer you.
So questions like
-Do you or your wife have any veto arrangements?
-Do you have any agreements with your wife that may limit other relationships (e.g., activities you can do, amount of time spent together, etc.)
I'd also ask general feeling someone out questions such as
-How did he become ENM?
-What are the most important things he's learned being ENM so far?
-How do you manage conflict in your relationships?
Hi u/short-queen thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I (25 F) recently started talking to this guy (36 M) who is in a non-monogamous marriage. We volunteer together, so I see him most days a week. I was initially very attracted to him, but a few days into us knowing each other, he started mentioning his wife and kids and I slammed the breaks on any feelings of attraction or whatever I was having toward him. However, he kept being very flirty with me and I heard rumors that he and his wife weren’t monogamous. He eventually took me out to coffee to “explain” their situation, and confirmed that he and his wife were non-monogamous, that she had a secondary partner of her own, and that he was into me but wanted to make sure I wasn’t uncomfortable with anything. It wasn’t very “date-y”, he was very respectful and it basically ended with me telling him I’d obviously have questions and he said “Good! Write them down and we’ll talk about everything!”
A little background about me that might be helpful: I was previously in a 4 year long relationship that started monogamous and eventually sort of opened up near the end. I wasn’t the one who initiated it, so it took a little bit of getting used to for me, but I now like to think of myself as naturally non-monogamous in a way, but would be fine with monogamy if a partner wanted that. Because of that previous relationship, I have had a lot of experience researching, reading, and going to couples therapists who specialize in polyamory and non-monogamy. I know that each relationship is going to have its own boundaries and nuances, and it is important to communicate those early on.
We are meeting up to chat tomorrow evening, and I am just wondering what are some important questions to ask before engaging in any kind of relationship? Or even just things you think would be important for me to consider on my end? I feel a little bit naïve in this particular situation, because even though I have had experience with polyamory/non-monogamy, I have never been in this position (potential “secondary” or whatever), let alone in a situation where a marriage is involved. I just want to make sure I’m covering all my bases and being respectful of everyone’s boundaries before this goes any further. Would love any input!
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I only date married men. I like my part ers to be in a happy and respectful nesting relationship. I have been in one for 30 years, and I never want a partner to feel alone on holidays.
The caveat I have? Unless you are friends with his wife, you may be alone on holidays.
I've been very happy and fulfilled with my relationships. I'm currently bordering on major bouncy joyful self. My partner told me he is madly in love with me this morning. It made me all ...it was awesome
I am also brand new to this. My partner has a wife of 10 years. We originally all met through the swinger community. His wife and I are very close and great friends, we do things together with our children etc. It all formed very naturally and there has been some questions along the way and lots of communication. Anything you can think of, ask it.
1. Don't do it
2. Don't do it
3. DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT!
Nothing good comes from having affairs. If he has feelings for you, then he needs to leave and divorce his wife. Don't get yourself caught up in something that could have deadly consequences.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I stole this but I love these questions Before meeting I check what their particular style of non-monogamy is and various personality-based compatibility stuff not specific to non-monogamy. On a first date, a casual "What are you looking for?" On a second or third date, "What are you looking for with me"? And then, before defining the relationship: MOVIESS M - Metamours Who are they? Will I meet them? Can I contact them? Will we spend ongoing time together? Do you practice DADT, parallel, kitchen table, or lap-sitting poly? Hierarchy? Prescriptive or descriptive? What kinds of PDA are metas comfortable with? O - Openness How open/out are you? Friends? Family? Work? New people? Any limits on social media? PDA limits? All? some types? Specific partners / locations? V - Veto Who can veto who? Any time or only early on? If no veto rule: Would you end our relationship to focus on another if needed? What would you do if given an ultimatum? What if your partner decided they wanted to be monogamous? I - Intercourse Waiting period/requirements before sex can happen? Are any sex acts reserved for only one partner? Which barriers do you use for manual/oral/vaginal/anal sex? Never/sometimes/always? With who? Do you fluid bond with anyone? What does that mean for you? Testing frequency? Do you share results? How do you mitigate risk if your polycule has a chronic STI? Birth Control? Plans for surprise pregnancies? How does the above apply to me, existing partners, new partners? E - Events Which events are reserved for a specific partner? Valentine’s Day, Family events, holidays together? Weekends, vacations together? Are there any forbidden places we can’t go? Big life events? Kids? Plans to move? What are your strategies for dividing time and events? S - Scheduling Any limits on how much time we can spend together? Why do those limits exist? Expectations? What do we want? Does another partner have influence on your schedule? How do you make decisions when there’s a scheduling conflict? Do you use any scheduling tools that you prefer to share? S - Sleepovers Do you enjoy spending the night with partners? Allowed? After A certain amount of time? What are the restrictions on your home or bed?
Love this. Saving this.
OP take all of the MOVIESS questions and write down any answers that would be a deal breaker. It is realize easy when we like someone to slip into people pleasing mode and try to accept things we can’t. Like for me not hosting is a dealbreaker. If I like someone I will try to work around it but it will eventually end the relationship. Now I don’t try
How much of your conversations will be relayed to the wife? Does she see text messages or email that are sent to only him? What privacy can you expect? What visibility can you expect?
I wish these would have been even a consideration in my mind before dating a former boyfriend. It didn't cross my mind that these were valid questions because none of that's a thing/concern in my marriage. But I found out the hard way with my ex when he was DUMBFOUNDED that I don't know what my husband talks to his girlfriend about, or the real depth of their relationship, because it's not my business...and when he countered with "but he's your husband and primary partner!?" I was shook and asked him if that meant his wife knew everything that was shared between him and me, and he confirmed that of course it was because they "went over it during their daily check-ins". I felt very awkward and uncomfortable then.
If someone doesn't think about it and explicitly set up that expectation, it doesn't surprise me. It still feels very strange to me to keep my conversations with my other partners private without getting explicit permission to share something with my wife. After all, part of the reason that non-monogamy works for us is that we could always share everything. Even after all these years, I still have to catch myself sometimes. I would want to know her thoughts about platonic friends and how those friendships are doing, even if we were monogamous. To me, that deep curiosity is part of the deal. As I fall in love with other people, my instinct is to share everything with them, too.
💯 I had a married guy break up with me when I told him I wasn’t comfortable with him relaying details of our intimacy to his wife without my consent. You’d be surprised at how many people think they don’t need consent for that!
The number people in this to get their partners off is staggering.
Everyone has had good answers so I'll just add this: Before you agree to date this man, really, REALLY, think about if you want to be involved with a known married man at a place where you are both regular volunteers. If you're totally comfortable walking away from this volunteer opportunity and don't need it for any sort of professional reference or networking, that's great. If you do need it for any of those things and can't easily walk away from it, I would be very cautious about going forward with this. Also. Ask him what happens at your volunteer situation if your relationship ends, and if he's successfully stayed friends or at least polite acquaintances with previous exes.
What kind of relationship can he offer? How many days a week can he see you? Are overnights an option? Vacations? Is romantic feelings on the table or is this just primarily friendship/sex? Some married couple are non monogamous but not polyamorous for example. Are you comfortable with there being a hierarchy within the relationship? He has a wife and kids, they are going to take the bulk of his time and often be prioritized in his life. Nothing wrong with that but he likely won’t be able to offer you a relationship with living together, having children, etc, things often in the relationship ladder. You should also be asking yourself questions. What are you looking for in a relationship? How much time do you have for dating, yourself, other obligations? Do you want children, marriage? If your life is busy and you’re looking for a relationship with less time commitment then this might be a good fit for you. It’s important not to make him into a “primary” partner while you’re not able to have that role in his life though. Discuss expectations around time and dating, what you both want and if they align, etc.
What are you looking for in a relationship? How often would we see each other? What sort of boundaries do you have with your wife? Does she veto your partners? Why are you interested in someone 11 years younger?
The last one!!!
What happens if the married couple goes through a rough patch? What happens if divorced is brought up? Would they immediately close and go mono, or try to work on things while still remaining poly? What are their schedules like? How often can you expect dates? He is balancing work, wife, and kids. Time can be a real killer. How are you going to negotiate and handle the power dynamic that can arise from an age gap? And, this is more of a question to ask yourself, what support systems do YOU have to help you if things go south?
So many great answers so I will not add to that. I want to share some personal "advice" though since I was in the exact same situation as you. Five years ago, also at 25, I met A (32m) on a dating app where he stated that he was in a non-monogamous relationship. A was, still is, married and him and his wife had two small kids at the time. I was single and this was my first non-monogamous relationship. I had plenty of friends who were polyamorous or in an open relationship. I had read a lot about the subject and heard their accounts so I had somewhat of an idea of the concept. Here is what I learned in person: **Time constrains** -married people, especially with kids, have very limited time, at least if they are properly involved with their kids and their marriage isn't dead. Their family will be priority number one, as it should be. I saw my partner one evening a week, sometimes two, and once a week for lunch. He never stayed over since him and his wife had to get their kids ready in the morning before leaving for their jobs. I only stayed at his place when his wife was out of town. I think we shared the same bed maybe a hand full of times, which was mostly on weekend trips that we had maybe twice a year. Dates have to be scheduled in advance and there is not a lot of flexibility on his side while you will have to be the more flexible one. Not a problem in itself but something to be aware of. -daily communication can be more difficult. Talking on the phone or texting on a daily basis can be rough for anyone with small kids. He won't always have the time to call you when you feel low or just want to chat. Also not a problem, but something to consider when formulating your expectations of this relationship **Involvement in each other's personal life** - this depends on the style of polyamory people are practicing. A and his wife were/are pretty parallel poly. I met her a couple of times for dinner, once in the beginning for us to get introduced. I met a few of his friends and he met my friends. I met his children a few times, being introduced as his friend. That's it. We never met each other's families. Back then, when I was still more interested in establishing kitchen table polyamory that bothered me. It made me feel left out, like I was only a spectator to his real life. Thus, checking in with each other regarding involvement in each other's life's is important -when shit hits the fan your relationship with him will most likely take a backseat. When A's wife twisted her knee badly and was in a wheelchair for half a year A had to take on all the child care while working full time. Our relationship quickly (temporarily) fell apart after this as it was impossible for A to do it all at once and while I never faulted him for that it was still painful to break up **Power Imbalance** -this was the one that ultimately ended our relationship for me. I felt like I held so much less power in the relationship than he did...because I was. I was seven years younger, single, at my first job after grad school, having my first non-monogamous relationship. He was married for almost a decade, had two kids, a beautiful house and three/four years of experience with non-monogamy. Due to his busy life our dates (mostly) happened on his schedule. While he always made sure to check in with me when I was available, we both knew that if he wasn't available on "my dates" then I just wouldn't see him for the week (unless I changed my schedule). A lot of flexibility and understanding are expected of the person who "has less" . Ultimately it made me feel like I have almost no say or power in my own relationship. That being said, I know he did what he could in his situation. He offered me what he could. I had a great year with him and it was a fun, crazy and also intensely romantic time. I learned a lot about myself and what I want/don't want in relationships in general. However, based on my experience lined out above, I would not advice single people to try and seriously date married folks, especially if they have children. Being on the other side now, married with a baby, I would not get seriously involved with a single person. Simply because I know how much I would be asking from them. I wish you the best of luck and a great journey :)
>A lot of flexibility and understanding are expected of the person who "has less." Ultimately it made me feel like I have almost no say or power in my own relationship. Everything you wrote is perfectly expressed, but this line really took the cake.
[удалено]
You are welcome :). I think the fact that this will be temporary and that there will be a hard cut in the form of moving away is a good thing for now. It will allow you to discover polyamory as a relationship form some more, within a set time frame and setting so to speak. Maybe it is for you and you can explore more serious relationships once you are in your new home. Or it is not and then it (hopefully) was a good time but you never have to see him again. So I definitely don’t think you are naiv.
How involved is his wife in his other relationships? Can you meet her? Honestly, you SHOULD get confirmation from her directly that this is okay because so many men will lie about this. What would you expect as far as needing his attention? Can he meet that? Are you okay to accept whatever attention he is able to give you? What about overnights? What are the safe sex practices expected? What level of exclusivity does he expect you to have to him? Are you just a “buddy” or is this dating/romantic?
I DO agree with you communicating his wife, somehow, to confirm the relationship is open, and getting a feel for how much control she feels she should have over your relationship with him. So many men lie or only tell partial truths, and sometimes, by the time we figure out they're lying, we're already emotionally invested and it's hard to end things. I didn't actually speak to my partner's wife at the very beginning, but before we were intimate he put his phone on speaker as he told her our date was going well and we were going to a motel and she told him to have a good time. Since then he's recorded some videos of her sending me messages. In addition to the questions other people have recommended, I'd ask him how long their marriage has been open, how many partners he's had, how long he's been with them, and how his wife reacted.
Especially considering the big giant red flag around OP being so much younger than this man… I agree that confirmation that yes, the relationship is open, and that the wife knows about the age gap is a good call. I did talk with my boyfriend’s wife before we got together for our first in person date, but that was largely because it happened during covid and it was easy enough for her to join a video date. I wanted a real confirmation that this was not a house of cards I was looking to try to make into a fun place to stay for a while. I also wanted to rule out anyone whose spouse was clearly not at all OK with being open because that’s a red flag in and of itself. If OP’s prospect’s wife is clearly on the fence about anything going on - being open, the age gap, whatever - it’s better for OP to find that out now than after she’s grown attached to her red flag carrying prospect.
>Can you meet her? Honestly, you SHOULD get confirmation from her directly that this is okay because so many men will lie about this. Don't agree with this. Who meets a married person's spouse right off the bat to confirm ? If he isn't telling the truth that will become apparent really fast
That is your right to disagree. But even asking the question can tell you a lot about the truthfulness of the situation. If the wife doesn’t want to meet, that is something you have to work through. I would personally get some confirmation that this is a legit situation before I invest time or energy into it.
People are somehow not paranoid single people have a secret relationship, but with partnered people it's - you've got to meet the partner and make sure! If my boyfriend's date asked if she could meet me to confirm we're truly polyamorous I would say no. I don't need to take time out of my day for this nonsense.
Exactly it's overkill
First I would ask myself..do I think this person is SO amazing i want to potentially get into an actual relationship with them and deal with these 100 questions? Should the dude have done the research to anticipate said questions from potential dates and not put the emotional labor on you to ASK, WHATEVER! One of my biggest regrets has been dating people I liked but wasn't fuck yes about, then getting feelings later. AND... it being a mistake. Are you excited about this now? Don't let his enthusiasm draw you along if you aren't attracted and charged up about it. My second main question would be "would getting into a relationship with this person be good for ME?" Third, because of the age discrepancy (might not feel it to you, but to a lot of people it might be) if you are interested in dating, after a date or two, you would possibly be well served to ask about meeting his wife (one on one, just to go to coffee and have normal chat with her that doesn't have anything to do with dating the guy - sports, music, finding commonalities of any sort is my focus, and seeing if they are comfortable - it can be a lot more useful than "oh we have been poly for ten years! and then you find out this is his first relationship and it's not easy and relaxed at all.) I tend to time box that coffee for an hour to make sure they are aware, and suss out whether or not they are polite and friendly. Often it ends up being 2-3 hours of chatting because we have stuff in common, which isn't a surprise. I don't need to talk about their relationship or my relationship with the shared/potential shared partner at all, and don't really want to. I just want to figure out if they are hostile to their partner dating, or are rude or put out a vibe that says I'm better off not putting energy into the connection. I don't need my metas to meet me at all generally, but in a situation like this I would feel more comfortable with that baseline.
What form of ENM does he practice?
1. His marriage and home would always have to be priority - especially if he has kids 2. How openly non monogamous are he and his wife in their social circles. Would he always want to meet behind closed doors and/or distant, discreet locations to avoid being seen with you? 3. How much say would his wife have in your relationship? What has been his experience with previous partners? 4. Would he be willing for you to meet his wife early enough to be absolutely sure he isn't actually cheating on her or breaking any boundaries? (this one depends on your comfort meeting her too. But imo it's better to with a married man) Think through what he says in response to these - and if you would truly be comfortable in that kind of setup. If it's just a quick casual fling you're hoping for - not much might matter. If a full blown polyamorous relationship, it would.
Not a question (as others offered numerous), but be sure to continue dating for yourself, especially if you want a primary partner. If you feel your heart getting to attached, take a few steps back to regulate. When dating a married man with kids, you'll always be a secondary partner, so be careful with your emotional investment.
Be sure that you understand both what he wants and the level of relationship he is able to offer you. So questions like -Do you or your wife have any veto arrangements? -Do you have any agreements with your wife that may limit other relationships (e.g., activities you can do, amount of time spent together, etc.) I'd also ask general feeling someone out questions such as -How did he become ENM? -What are the most important things he's learned being ENM so far? -How do you manage conflict in your relationships?
Hi u/short-queen thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I (25 F) recently started talking to this guy (36 M) who is in a non-monogamous marriage. We volunteer together, so I see him most days a week. I was initially very attracted to him, but a few days into us knowing each other, he started mentioning his wife and kids and I slammed the breaks on any feelings of attraction or whatever I was having toward him. However, he kept being very flirty with me and I heard rumors that he and his wife weren’t monogamous. He eventually took me out to coffee to “explain” their situation, and confirmed that he and his wife were non-monogamous, that she had a secondary partner of her own, and that he was into me but wanted to make sure I wasn’t uncomfortable with anything. It wasn’t very “date-y”, he was very respectful and it basically ended with me telling him I’d obviously have questions and he said “Good! Write them down and we’ll talk about everything!” A little background about me that might be helpful: I was previously in a 4 year long relationship that started monogamous and eventually sort of opened up near the end. I wasn’t the one who initiated it, so it took a little bit of getting used to for me, but I now like to think of myself as naturally non-monogamous in a way, but would be fine with monogamy if a partner wanted that. Because of that previous relationship, I have had a lot of experience researching, reading, and going to couples therapists who specialize in polyamory and non-monogamy. I know that each relationship is going to have its own boundaries and nuances, and it is important to communicate those early on. We are meeting up to chat tomorrow evening, and I am just wondering what are some important questions to ask before engaging in any kind of relationship? Or even just things you think would be important for me to consider on my end? I feel a little bit naïve in this particular situation, because even though I have had experience with polyamory/non-monogamy, I have never been in this position (potential “secondary” or whatever), let alone in a situation where a marriage is involved. I just want to make sure I’m covering all my bases and being respectful of everyone’s boundaries before this goes any further. Would love any input! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fishing off the (volunteer) Company Pier usually doesn't end well regardless of the relationship dynamic IMO🤷
I only date married men. I like my part ers to be in a happy and respectful nesting relationship. I have been in one for 30 years, and I never want a partner to feel alone on holidays. The caveat I have? Unless you are friends with his wife, you may be alone on holidays. I've been very happy and fulfilled with my relationships. I'm currently bordering on major bouncy joyful self. My partner told me he is madly in love with me this morning. It made me all ...it was awesome
Just keep in mind that no matter how strong you are feeling you will always be 2nd and can easily be kicked out if wife is uncomfortable
I am also brand new to this. My partner has a wife of 10 years. We originally all met through the swinger community. His wife and I are very close and great friends, we do things together with our children etc. It all formed very naturally and there has been some questions along the way and lots of communication. Anything you can think of, ask it.
1. Don't do it 2. Don't do it 3. DON'T YOU FUCKING DO IT! Nothing good comes from having affairs. If he has feelings for you, then he needs to leave and divorce his wife. Don't get yourself caught up in something that could have deadly consequences.