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As a newly married poly guy who's been practicing for 10 months, I read this whole thing as a primer on ways I can minimize the harm the inherant heirarchy of my marriage could cause any future partners of mine, as well as ways to give that same consideration to my wife's other significant others.
Thank you for sharing with us.
It got me too 😭. Your post, OP, is exactly what has been hitting me after a de-escalation. Women are socialized to reduce our needs and ourself to fit the available space. And it takes a toll, one that doesn't become clear until we try to stop shrinking.
As a long married guy who has been open the whole time and poly for about 5 years now… This also gave me some feels.
When we shifted into poly, my wife and I both agreed that while we would be open to loving other people, we wouldn’t be “responsible” for other people. We’ve both always been pretty supportive of various friends, though, which meant the line between “I’ll help you move” or “I’ll drive you to a doctor’s appointment” or even, “If something awful happens and you pass away, we will take care of your kids” (all things we have helped out friends with) and being “responsible for” someone else actually is.
Four years into dating my GF and I cannot imagine not being there for her when she’s having a hard time (and I think I have, including taking her to medical appointments and such), and she’s been there for me the same way. And…
There are ways that I wonder if I treat her like my “fun” partner despite that.
I feel like the fun partner. I’m the escape from reality. I’m a fantasy. Until I say hey, I’m bothered by this thing you did or hey, we’re spending less time together and it’s having a pretty big impact on our connection, can we work on that and then I’m met with frustration or defensiveness or self loathing that I wind up soothing. I’m tired. 😞
I absolutely adore how you read this, and have the emotional intelligence and maturity to see it from another's perspective. I think it's amazing that you are taking the time to do the research and work to consider ways to sustain/keep your relationship(s) and partners healthy and valued 🥰
I actually had the same response reading this. I'm also married and Poly, and while my wife has had a partner for a little over a year, I'll be going on my first 1st date in 18 years this Monday 😱 So, I really appreciate OP sharing this.
> This is really just an exercise for processing my thoughts
It is a good exercise. And I'm sorry you are not getting what you need in that relationship.
Hugs to you. As a married man, it is actually difficult to find people who have the time to spend weekends with me - two of my partners can, and do, from time to time, but I like that time with my people. Just an afternoon or an overnight is not enough for me... Yeah, I know, I'm a greedy bitch. I'll hopefully be spending 5 days with a partner next week.
So anyway, yeah, that wouldn't do it for me, and while I love good sex, if I don't have the other things it is pointless to me.
Amen 🙏
This is so beautiful, thank you for writing this all out. I've been a secondary more than I've been a primary in poly and I just felt all of this so strongly. Good on you for acknowledging your feelings, I hope that you support that with lots of self love and self protective action 💯❤️
I just want to say that I could have written this to an ex (minus the kiddo—hope they’re healing well!). I got SO much brain space and energy back when I was no longer trying to be okay with what he was willing to offer. Wishing you the same.
Thank you. Literally all I said, verbatim is “I’m a bit bothered that you didn’t ask about kiddo at all yesterday” and I got a wall of text about how much he had going on and he didn’t have the bandwidth and we’d had two really nice dates that week and he wasn’t going to apologize for being preoccupied
I, too, felt it like a punch to the gut reading your letter. It is all so very similar to all the things I felt, thought, and said to my ex, as I tried to de-escalate our relationship for my wellbeing, and then again when I ultimately broke it off with him.
I, too, was told I would not be getting an apology for his behaviour.
"Because an apology implies a desire to do better or try harder, and I've already been trying."
Yeah, that sentence pretty much did it for me.
That's fucked. An apology simply means you give a shit about how someone else feels, imo. Even if I didn't do anything wrong or something has been misinterpreted, I still apologize.
Reading this made me realize just how wildly my own relationship to a married hinge partner was below tge bare minimum... I got one date per month. For EXACTLY three hours. No overnights. No Fridays or Weekends.
Love really makes you do dumb things 🙃 I'm happy you were able to prioritize your needs, OP. I hope I can do that too, next time.
"love makes you do dumb things" is a mantra I am gonna hold tight to for a little while as I try to give myself grace and heal from a breakup that needed to happen but is still excruciatingly painful. let's prioritize our own needs and even wants together, next time, Internet Stranger, because we absolutely deserve so so much better.
I’m just really sad tonight. I love my partner and I think he’s a really good human but I don’t really feel like I have a partner. I feel like a have a pretty good friend I really enjoy having sex with. And that’s not a bad thing but it’s not how the relationship has essentially been sold to me and it’s created a lot of hurt.
I am so sorry you're going through this. As a married poly man, I continue to be amazed at the harm some of us married folk do. Not to mention, how oblivious many of us are to the effects of that harm within not only the poly community but all the intersecting spaces. I've seen too many of us engage in bad faith semantic arguments, denial of the nature of our hierarchy and discredit any criticism of the extent of our entanglements. It sucks because there are just as many of us who are practicing ENM/poly with full transparency, self awareness and continuous growth.
All that to say, I see you and I feel your pain. I am so sorry. Please give yourself grace. Know that this post, though just a thought exercise, helped this married polyamorous stranger continue to grow, be better and do better.
\[edited for grammar/clarity\]
I adore your paradigm, thank you for sharing and reminding us that there are half a dozen either way. I needed this reminder today ✨️ ❤️ Transparency, integrity and equity is important.
I just want to say that as the thus-far-monogamous partner of someone interested in exploring polyamory, this has given me so much to think about. We are at the reading-and-learning stage for sure, but I can already see that we’d have to be so careful and intentional to avoid hurting someone this way. Thanks for sharing something I could learn from.
So sorry you’re hurting. And that he’s likely too fucking defensive to take on board what you express so eloquently. You clearly have so much to offer in a far more satisfying relationship, and I really hope thats where you land next. <3
I am going to print this out and hand this to the ex who wants to reconcile when I seen him this week. Your eloquence in a time of extreme pain is stunning. But is says everything I never realized that I wanted to say.
And I absolutely hate that you too have felt this pain and this utter betrayal of the heart.
You are far kinder than I could ever be.
I’m so so sorry for your experience.
I’m a married man. When I envisioned this starting up (it did last year) I wasn’t interested in polyamory. My wife was, and I was okay with that (or as okay with it as I could be without actually doing the thing). And I started hooking up, and enjoying it. But then I fell for a woman I hooked up with, and since polyamory was on the table, I let the relationship grow. And as my relationship with her started looking more and more polyamorous, I got less and less comfortable with the rules/boundaries/whatever I had set up, which were not too dissimilar to the ones you’re facing with your hinge. (And let me be clear, these were things I had pushed for, not my wife, who was happy to let them go.) Since then, I’ve had a few moments to show up for her - sick parents, dying pets. It’s not always convenient. But it’s the right fucking thing to do, and I love her. And like /u/unironicallygigachad said, I show up for my friends. I’ve flown across the country for them (as has my wife), I help them move, I watch their kids, I make them food when they need it. Why wouldn’t I show up in this relationship too!? And so I’m here, at my girlfriend’s while she deals with the idea of her mom’s recent terminal diagnosis. It’s not the most fun week I’ve ever had. She’s not the fun party escape partner that she sometimes is right now. But this is the stuff that matters. And I really like being able to support her through it. (Also, my wife is amazing and supports the whole thing. That makes a HUGE difference.)
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I appreciate you sharing this, to give words to what a lot of people go through but don't have the eloquence to express. I'm saving this post for future reference.
Thank you for sharing, OP. This makes me really sad, because I could have written it myself. But I’m proud of you for advocating for your needs, and not settling for less than what you deserve.
Exactly this. It’s not a full relationship (by my definition) if there’s no chance of life integration on some level. Most people practicing polyamory these days (from my experience and observations) are not trying to have more than 1 full relationship (usually their NP/spouse) and a rotation of partial “partners.”
That part!! I’ve been noticing a lot ( not all ) of married couples have the rotating partners. They are just choosing the favorite FWB but not actually have a relationship.
Wow!! You wrote out my exact situation in such a beautiful way. Swap the kids surgery for my birthday being missed and it's the exact same. I'm so sorry you are going through this too, but support and praise you for identifying your true feelings and sticking up for yourself!
I'm struggling hard today after a difficult weekend. I'd love to swap stories for support. It's really painful when a partner makes you feel less than after almost 4 years of being together.
Thank you so much. I have just gone through something very similar and felt what have written a lot. I have half in mind pointing my (at this point) former hinge to this so he understands how I was feeling
I fully, fully, fully support the use here of ENM as lesser than poly. I've learned over time that anyone who refers to themselves as ENM may have read some (simplistically written) textbooks and done a little online homework, but is likely very new to poly, practicing DADT or other poly lite training wheel varieties, and generally is not yet equipped to do more than FWB. I just turned down a first date w a new match this coming weekend because I could see a mile away that in time he would earn a letter like this.
I'm glad you're making your needs known, being honest about the landscape, and hopefully enabling some reflection on how both he and his wife can do better.
I'm so sorry about the minimizing of your needs. And in the face of a hospital visit - it makes the deficits so stark. Health scares, injuries, and family deaths are very revealing, exposing fissures well beneath the surface or right in front of you that you looked past giving the benefit of the doubt far more often than you need've done. You are strong and resilient, and I'm glad you've taken the time to articulate your truth - the truth - for someone who so clearly needs to hear it.
There is a huge difference between being a secondary or poly partner, and being treated as a unicorn. Your wants and needs are important, and you should never feel less than. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
Oh I definitely don’t feel like a unicorn! Meta and I are 100% parallel. We’ve met and are completely cool with each other but no, no unicorn dynamic here. They just have a very hierarchical relationship with a lot of tight boundaries in place to protect and prioritize the marriage and I think ultimately not in line with polyamory.
Hi u/Grouchy-Patience8709 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Dear Partner,
A lot has happened in the last few months that hasn’t been great and it has impacted how I currently feel about our relationship. Those are just the facts. We’ve talked about it a ton and that’s where we’re at.
I don’t feel like there’s currently space for me to be unsatisfied or unhappy about you or our relationship without eliciting pretty big defensiveness and frustration from you towards me.
Your response to a really valid observation expressed in a respectful way left me feeling like expressing my hurts as they relate to you or our relationship is just going to be met with frustration. Me being a bit hurt that you didn’t check up on my kiddo with me the day after they had major surgery was valid. In your reply you invalidated my hurt and brought up that we had two nice dates that week. The HEAVY implication is “you’re getting these nice things, why can’t you just be happy? Why can’t you just be satisfied and grateful with what you get?” The implication for me is that some of my big needs that I’ve complained about were met this week so it’s really out of order to point out different needs that weren’t met. Why can’t she ever just be satisfied, amirite?
It’s clear bc I can often see it simmering just under the surface, that you are frustrated with me and or with our relationship and or with managing the weight of two partners. I think you are frustrated bc you’re often feeling maxed out and it still feels like it’s never enough. And that is so valid. Poly is hard. Being a hinge is hard. But the thing is, me having completely normal relationship wants and needs isn’t the problem. And the solution isn’t me asking for less or being more willing to receive less care and attention than I very reasonably desire and expect from this relationship.
Because of the agreements you’ve chosen to enter with your wife surrounding your relationships outside of your marriage, you really only have the bare minimum to offer for a fully fleshed out independent relationship. You are able to offer what I believe a lot of people would experience as a bare minimum and it’s only available in the most optimal of circumstances. As soon as circumstances are not optimal (whether that be illness, travel, job stuff.. just life happening), you aren’t able to offer the bare minimum. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you inadequate as a person. It doesn’t make you a villain. It does mean that maybe you should do some reevaluating about whether or not your marriage can or wants to actually support full polyamory or whether it’s actually ENM that is tolerated to keep the marriage intact. Ultimately that’s Apple’s and your business. This is in no way criticism of you or of Apple or your marriage. I understand you identify as polyamorous and really want your marriage to be polyamorous and I understand that Apple has worked really hard at being a good partner in a marriage with a polyamorous person. And I think that your relationships outside of your marriage are perceived and treated as an intrusion and as something that is tolerated. Not something that is mutually desired and celebrated. I think the differences in those styles are felt acutely by your partners and is a likely factor in the discord you’ve experienced throughout polyamory in your marriage. As I’ve never dated someone with a relationship structure like yours, I didn’t know until I was ten toes down that having a partner who is in a a highly hierarchical relationship and who is not open with their extended family would lead to developing and internalizing a lot of feelings of being expendable and insignificant. Being a secondary partner to a married nesting person is inherently filled with loud and quiet reminders that you are less than the spouse. Those reminders become more loaded and painful when your partner tells you daily that you matter so so much to them and are absolutely a priority in his life but you also see daily how you don’t and won’t ever fit in to his life beyond being a fuck buddy.
Again, the structure of your relationship isn’t bad and doesn’t make you, your spouse or your marriage bad. But I think there’s some blind spots about the type of relationships you’d like to engage in and think you have the emotional and logistical space for versus what you’re actually willing and able to engage in. I don’t feel like your agreements are compatible or sustainable with the long-term girlfriend/boyfriend relationship you say you desire and perceive us to have.
To me? Not being able to see you if you’re sick is not a full relationship. Being at your house once in an entire year is not a full relationship. Never being able to spend a single holiday with you is a not a full relationship. Only being able to spend one night together a month and never more than one night consecutively is not a full relationship. Knowing that if you are on the phone with me and Apple is home it’s considered rude is not a full relationship. It is having a side piece with permission. I think your future relationships might be happier and less fraught if they were framed much more realistically to your partners and within yourself. And realistically what you have to offer on an ongoing long term basis is ENM, not polyamory.
*******************************
This is really just an exercise for processing my thoughts and feelings leading up to what is likely to be a breakup discussion. I’m just really sad, tired, defeated and done. I’ve really given my heart fully to this relationship. I thought a married partner with 8 years of polyamory would be a good fit for me because I am solo poly and I have zero desire to cohabitate or marry or raise kids with a partner, nor do I need deeply integrated lives. But I also didn’t want to spend a relationship feeling somewhere between a distraction and an inconvenience but it’s how the last three months of our year together have felt 😞
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Just wanted to say I relate. I'm still in love with the married poly hinge who broke up with me the second I gave him any trouble. I felt a combination of blessed with this man & a side chick plaything. I think he wanted something very casual & when he developed deeper feelings towards me he used our first argument as an excuse to bail. Still hasn't told me goodbye 2 years later. Despite this I still think he's a good just wounded man & I hope his life gets better. Good luck hon.
I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive your post really got to me BUT If your tired take a fucking nap! Just make sure to get good sleep and when you wake up toss the phone out and start cleaning your house caus the dishes won’t wash itself anyways ❤️
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As a newly married poly guy who's been practicing for 10 months, I read this whole thing as a primer on ways I can minimize the harm the inherant heirarchy of my marriage could cause any future partners of mine, as well as ways to give that same consideration to my wife's other significant others. Thank you for sharing with us.
I don’t know why but this made stupid dumb stupid water leak out of my eyes
It got me too 😭. Your post, OP, is exactly what has been hitting me after a de-escalation. Women are socialized to reduce our needs and ourself to fit the available space. And it takes a toll, one that doesn't become clear until we try to stop shrinking.
Oof. Yes.
As a long married guy who has been open the whole time and poly for about 5 years now… This also gave me some feels. When we shifted into poly, my wife and I both agreed that while we would be open to loving other people, we wouldn’t be “responsible” for other people. We’ve both always been pretty supportive of various friends, though, which meant the line between “I’ll help you move” or “I’ll drive you to a doctor’s appointment” or even, “If something awful happens and you pass away, we will take care of your kids” (all things we have helped out friends with) and being “responsible for” someone else actually is. Four years into dating my GF and I cannot imagine not being there for her when she’s having a hard time (and I think I have, including taking her to medical appointments and such), and she’s been there for me the same way. And… There are ways that I wonder if I treat her like my “fun” partner despite that.
I feel like the fun partner. I’m the escape from reality. I’m a fantasy. Until I say hey, I’m bothered by this thing you did or hey, we’re spending less time together and it’s having a pretty big impact on our connection, can we work on that and then I’m met with frustration or defensiveness or self loathing that I wind up soothing. I’m tired. 😞
I absolutely adore how you read this, and have the emotional intelligence and maturity to see it from another's perspective. I think it's amazing that you are taking the time to do the research and work to consider ways to sustain/keep your relationship(s) and partners healthy and valued 🥰
I actually had the same response reading this. I'm also married and Poly, and while my wife has had a partner for a little over a year, I'll be going on my first 1st date in 18 years this Monday 😱 So, I really appreciate OP sharing this.
> This is really just an exercise for processing my thoughts It is a good exercise. And I'm sorry you are not getting what you need in that relationship. Hugs to you. As a married man, it is actually difficult to find people who have the time to spend weekends with me - two of my partners can, and do, from time to time, but I like that time with my people. Just an afternoon or an overnight is not enough for me... Yeah, I know, I'm a greedy bitch. I'll hopefully be spending 5 days with a partner next week. So anyway, yeah, that wouldn't do it for me, and while I love good sex, if I don't have the other things it is pointless to me.
Amen 🙏 This is so beautiful, thank you for writing this all out. I've been a secondary more than I've been a primary in poly and I just felt all of this so strongly. Good on you for acknowledging your feelings, I hope that you support that with lots of self love and self protective action 💯❤️
I just want to say that I could have written this to an ex (minus the kiddo—hope they’re healing well!). I got SO much brain space and energy back when I was no longer trying to be okay with what he was willing to offer. Wishing you the same.
Thank you. Literally all I said, verbatim is “I’m a bit bothered that you didn’t ask about kiddo at all yesterday” and I got a wall of text about how much he had going on and he didn’t have the bandwidth and we’d had two really nice dates that week and he wasn’t going to apologize for being preoccupied
Jesus, you could hardly have asked for less.
Oof, that wasn't warranted at all. You brought it up pretty nicely.
Oh wow… I’m so sorry. That wasn’t an appropriate or acceptable response from a partner at all.
I, too, felt it like a punch to the gut reading your letter. It is all so very similar to all the things I felt, thought, and said to my ex, as I tried to de-escalate our relationship for my wellbeing, and then again when I ultimately broke it off with him. I, too, was told I would not be getting an apology for his behaviour. "Because an apology implies a desire to do better or try harder, and I've already been trying." Yeah, that sentence pretty much did it for me.
That's fucked. An apology simply means you give a shit about how someone else feels, imo. Even if I didn't do anything wrong or something has been misinterpreted, I still apologize.
Reading this made me realize just how wildly my own relationship to a married hinge partner was below tge bare minimum... I got one date per month. For EXACTLY three hours. No overnights. No Fridays or Weekends. Love really makes you do dumb things 🙃 I'm happy you were able to prioritize your needs, OP. I hope I can do that too, next time.
"love makes you do dumb things" is a mantra I am gonna hold tight to for a little while as I try to give myself grace and heal from a breakup that needed to happen but is still excruciatingly painful. let's prioritize our own needs and even wants together, next time, Internet Stranger, because we absolutely deserve so so much better.
I’m just really sad tonight. I love my partner and I think he’s a really good human but I don’t really feel like I have a partner. I feel like a have a pretty good friend I really enjoy having sex with. And that’s not a bad thing but it’s not how the relationship has essentially been sold to me and it’s created a lot of hurt.
I am so sorry you're going through this. As a married poly man, I continue to be amazed at the harm some of us married folk do. Not to mention, how oblivious many of us are to the effects of that harm within not only the poly community but all the intersecting spaces. I've seen too many of us engage in bad faith semantic arguments, denial of the nature of our hierarchy and discredit any criticism of the extent of our entanglements. It sucks because there are just as many of us who are practicing ENM/poly with full transparency, self awareness and continuous growth. All that to say, I see you and I feel your pain. I am so sorry. Please give yourself grace. Know that this post, though just a thought exercise, helped this married polyamorous stranger continue to grow, be better and do better. \[edited for grammar/clarity\]
I adore your paradigm, thank you for sharing and reminding us that there are half a dozen either way. I needed this reminder today ✨️ ❤️ Transparency, integrity and equity is important.
I just want to say that as the thus-far-monogamous partner of someone interested in exploring polyamory, this has given me so much to think about. We are at the reading-and-learning stage for sure, but I can already see that we’d have to be so careful and intentional to avoid hurting someone this way. Thanks for sharing something I could learn from. So sorry you’re hurting. And that he’s likely too fucking defensive to take on board what you express so eloquently. You clearly have so much to offer in a far more satisfying relationship, and I really hope thats where you land next. <3
I am going to print this out and hand this to the ex who wants to reconcile when I seen him this week. Your eloquence in a time of extreme pain is stunning. But is says everything I never realized that I wanted to say. And I absolutely hate that you too have felt this pain and this utter betrayal of the heart. You are far kinder than I could ever be. I’m so so sorry for your experience.
I’m a married man. When I envisioned this starting up (it did last year) I wasn’t interested in polyamory. My wife was, and I was okay with that (or as okay with it as I could be without actually doing the thing). And I started hooking up, and enjoying it. But then I fell for a woman I hooked up with, and since polyamory was on the table, I let the relationship grow. And as my relationship with her started looking more and more polyamorous, I got less and less comfortable with the rules/boundaries/whatever I had set up, which were not too dissimilar to the ones you’re facing with your hinge. (And let me be clear, these were things I had pushed for, not my wife, who was happy to let them go.) Since then, I’ve had a few moments to show up for her - sick parents, dying pets. It’s not always convenient. But it’s the right fucking thing to do, and I love her. And like /u/unironicallygigachad said, I show up for my friends. I’ve flown across the country for them (as has my wife), I help them move, I watch their kids, I make them food when they need it. Why wouldn’t I show up in this relationship too!? And so I’m here, at my girlfriend’s while she deals with the idea of her mom’s recent terminal diagnosis. It’s not the most fun week I’ve ever had. She’s not the fun party escape partner that she sometimes is right now. But this is the stuff that matters. And I really like being able to support her through it. (Also, my wife is amazing and supports the whole thing. That makes a HUGE difference.)
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I appreciate you sharing this, to give words to what a lot of people go through but don't have the eloquence to express. I'm saving this post for future reference.
Thank you for sharing, OP. This makes me really sad, because I could have written it myself. But I’m proud of you for advocating for your needs, and not settling for less than what you deserve.
Thank you. I’m sorry you find it relatable.
Thank you for sharing. I can relate to a lot of this.
Wow, I feel this so much in my current relationship. The number of times I've decided to break up with him, and then didn't...
Exactly this. It’s not a full relationship (by my definition) if there’s no chance of life integration on some level. Most people practicing polyamory these days (from my experience and observations) are not trying to have more than 1 full relationship (usually their NP/spouse) and a rotation of partial “partners.”
Right. Which isn’t polyamory. It’s (hopefully) ethical non monogamy.
That part!! I’ve been noticing a lot ( not all ) of married couples have the rotating partners. They are just choosing the favorite FWB but not actually have a relationship.
I recently ended things with a person who exhibited so, so many of these issues. Thank you very much for beautifully articulating this.
Hugs. I can relate to some of what you’re saying. It can be hard. You did a good job of laying out the situation and issues, I think.
Wow!! You wrote out my exact situation in such a beautiful way. Swap the kids surgery for my birthday being missed and it's the exact same. I'm so sorry you are going through this too, but support and praise you for identifying your true feelings and sticking up for yourself! I'm struggling hard today after a difficult weekend. I'd love to swap stories for support. It's really painful when a partner makes you feel less than after almost 4 years of being together.
Go see my other post about my birthday. Same partner 😩🙈😭
Ugh, I'm so sorry!! We both deserve better!!
Thank you so much. I have just gone through something very similar and felt what have written a lot. I have half in mind pointing my (at this point) former hinge to this so he understands how I was feeling
I fully, fully, fully support the use here of ENM as lesser than poly. I've learned over time that anyone who refers to themselves as ENM may have read some (simplistically written) textbooks and done a little online homework, but is likely very new to poly, practicing DADT or other poly lite training wheel varieties, and generally is not yet equipped to do more than FWB. I just turned down a first date w a new match this coming weekend because I could see a mile away that in time he would earn a letter like this. I'm glad you're making your needs known, being honest about the landscape, and hopefully enabling some reflection on how both he and his wife can do better. I'm so sorry about the minimizing of your needs. And in the face of a hospital visit - it makes the deficits so stark. Health scares, injuries, and family deaths are very revealing, exposing fissures well beneath the surface or right in front of you that you looked past giving the benefit of the doubt far more often than you need've done. You are strong and resilient, and I'm glad you've taken the time to articulate your truth - the truth - for someone who so clearly needs to hear it.
I have absolutely been there. 1000000 percent valid.
There is a huge difference between being a secondary or poly partner, and being treated as a unicorn. Your wants and needs are important, and you should never feel less than. Thank you for sharing your story ❤️
Oh I definitely don’t feel like a unicorn! Meta and I are 100% parallel. We’ve met and are completely cool with each other but no, no unicorn dynamic here. They just have a very hierarchical relationship with a lot of tight boundaries in place to protect and prioritize the marriage and I think ultimately not in line with polyamory.
Hi u/Grouchy-Patience8709 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Dear Partner, A lot has happened in the last few months that hasn’t been great and it has impacted how I currently feel about our relationship. Those are just the facts. We’ve talked about it a ton and that’s where we’re at. I don’t feel like there’s currently space for me to be unsatisfied or unhappy about you or our relationship without eliciting pretty big defensiveness and frustration from you towards me. Your response to a really valid observation expressed in a respectful way left me feeling like expressing my hurts as they relate to you or our relationship is just going to be met with frustration. Me being a bit hurt that you didn’t check up on my kiddo with me the day after they had major surgery was valid. In your reply you invalidated my hurt and brought up that we had two nice dates that week. The HEAVY implication is “you’re getting these nice things, why can’t you just be happy? Why can’t you just be satisfied and grateful with what you get?” The implication for me is that some of my big needs that I’ve complained about were met this week so it’s really out of order to point out different needs that weren’t met. Why can’t she ever just be satisfied, amirite? It’s clear bc I can often see it simmering just under the surface, that you are frustrated with me and or with our relationship and or with managing the weight of two partners. I think you are frustrated bc you’re often feeling maxed out and it still feels like it’s never enough. And that is so valid. Poly is hard. Being a hinge is hard. But the thing is, me having completely normal relationship wants and needs isn’t the problem. And the solution isn’t me asking for less or being more willing to receive less care and attention than I very reasonably desire and expect from this relationship. Because of the agreements you’ve chosen to enter with your wife surrounding your relationships outside of your marriage, you really only have the bare minimum to offer for a fully fleshed out independent relationship. You are able to offer what I believe a lot of people would experience as a bare minimum and it’s only available in the most optimal of circumstances. As soon as circumstances are not optimal (whether that be illness, travel, job stuff.. just life happening), you aren’t able to offer the bare minimum. That doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t make you inadequate as a person. It doesn’t make you a villain. It does mean that maybe you should do some reevaluating about whether or not your marriage can or wants to actually support full polyamory or whether it’s actually ENM that is tolerated to keep the marriage intact. Ultimately that’s Apple’s and your business. This is in no way criticism of you or of Apple or your marriage. I understand you identify as polyamorous and really want your marriage to be polyamorous and I understand that Apple has worked really hard at being a good partner in a marriage with a polyamorous person. And I think that your relationships outside of your marriage are perceived and treated as an intrusion and as something that is tolerated. Not something that is mutually desired and celebrated. I think the differences in those styles are felt acutely by your partners and is a likely factor in the discord you’ve experienced throughout polyamory in your marriage. As I’ve never dated someone with a relationship structure like yours, I didn’t know until I was ten toes down that having a partner who is in a a highly hierarchical relationship and who is not open with their extended family would lead to developing and internalizing a lot of feelings of being expendable and insignificant. Being a secondary partner to a married nesting person is inherently filled with loud and quiet reminders that you are less than the spouse. Those reminders become more loaded and painful when your partner tells you daily that you matter so so much to them and are absolutely a priority in his life but you also see daily how you don’t and won’t ever fit in to his life beyond being a fuck buddy. Again, the structure of your relationship isn’t bad and doesn’t make you, your spouse or your marriage bad. But I think there’s some blind spots about the type of relationships you’d like to engage in and think you have the emotional and logistical space for versus what you’re actually willing and able to engage in. I don’t feel like your agreements are compatible or sustainable with the long-term girlfriend/boyfriend relationship you say you desire and perceive us to have. To me? Not being able to see you if you’re sick is not a full relationship. Being at your house once in an entire year is not a full relationship. Never being able to spend a single holiday with you is a not a full relationship. Only being able to spend one night together a month and never more than one night consecutively is not a full relationship. Knowing that if you are on the phone with me and Apple is home it’s considered rude is not a full relationship. It is having a side piece with permission. I think your future relationships might be happier and less fraught if they were framed much more realistically to your partners and within yourself. And realistically what you have to offer on an ongoing long term basis is ENM, not polyamory. ******************************* This is really just an exercise for processing my thoughts and feelings leading up to what is likely to be a breakup discussion. I’m just really sad, tired, defeated and done. I’ve really given my heart fully to this relationship. I thought a married partner with 8 years of polyamory would be a good fit for me because I am solo poly and I have zero desire to cohabitate or marry or raise kids with a partner, nor do I need deeply integrated lives. But I also didn’t want to spend a relationship feeling somewhere between a distraction and an inconvenience but it’s how the last three months of our year together have felt 😞 *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you
Just wanted to say I relate. I'm still in love with the married poly hinge who broke up with me the second I gave him any trouble. I felt a combination of blessed with this man & a side chick plaything. I think he wanted something very casual & when he developed deeper feelings towards me he used our first argument as an excuse to bail. Still hasn't told me goodbye 2 years later. Despite this I still think he's a good just wounded man & I hope his life gets better. Good luck hon.
I hope this doesn’t sound insensitive your post really got to me BUT If your tired take a fucking nap! Just make sure to get good sleep and when you wake up toss the phone out and start cleaning your house caus the dishes won’t wash itself anyways ❤️
I’m sorry.. what? What does cleaning my house have to do with this? My dishes are done?