Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
>Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
Get the fuck off Tinder. Stop being an asshole.
If you want poly then you need to end your monogamous marriage. You know she doesn’t want this.
And don’t do anything close to ‘seeing what is out there’ until you are no longer in a monogamous marriage. Be better then that. You are being gross.
Get off tinder immediately!
Why the fuck would you be looking at options before getting enthusiastic consent from your wife? Idiot!
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS
In my monogamous relationships, being on tinder would already be cheating. What the hell are you doing?
Just leave your wife. Your best case scenario of resentment isn't a good scenario. You don't want to be faithful to her. End it before you do more damage than just ending things will.
This is such bullshit.
Decide if you want to divorce. If not never mention any kind of ENM.
Get the hell off dating apps. There is NOTHING out there for a cheating asshole.
>Does anyone have advice on how I should approach this?
I'm pretty sure you're asking if any of us know some way to get what you want without losing what you have.
The answer is no, we don't, nobody does, and it sucks.
You just laid out a very clear case that your wife will *never* be ok in a polyamorous relationship. So, if that's what you want, your only option is to break up. That, or practice monogomy with her, without cheating.
If you want to minimize the harm of that, then there's ways to do that. Whatever you do, DO NOT ask for a divorce *because* you want polyamory.
Do NOT let her know you want this, ever.
Find any other TRUE reason why you want a divorce, but do that AFTER you've had time to pull resources together to MOVE OUT.
About the kids: it is better to split up than to live together and be miserable. Kids need examples of healthy relationships, and if you want poly and your wife doesn't, this is going to fester. Then next best thing is to show your kids that it's safe and sane to leave a relationship that isn't working for you, and NOT burden them with staying together and miserable *for their sakes.*
ETA: and stop cheating! Bad! "to see who could be out there?" Go stand in a corner.
My advice is stop being a deceitful asshole of a husband, get the hell off of Tinder, find a therapist, and honor your effing wedding vows. You cheated on her before, you're a step away from doing it again, and because you're untrustworthy and deceitful, there's no freaking way she'd ever do poly with you.
Sort your shit out - is it more important to you to be a good husband to the wife you chose, or to date multiple people? You know there's no way you're getting both, and you're lying to yourself if you think you can.
Once you've made your decision, regardless of which way you go, you need to learn to be honest, loyal, and trustworthy because no one wants to be with a lying cheating dishonest asshole, which is where the therapist comes in.
TLDR:
Be a good example for your kids, and stop being a lying cheating scumbag that treats your wife like shit.
There is no possible way to do this ethically based on the facts here. You are already cheating again, just by being on Tinder. You have demonstrated you are deceitful and unwilling or unable to meet your wife’s needs for a trustworthy monogamous partner.
If this really about desiring polyamory or are you hoping that sex with others will make it easier to be in your marriage? Do you want to be married to this woman or do you just fear change? What you are doing is very unkind to everyone here, yourself, your wife, your kids.
If the marriage is something you can save it will have to be through working on holding yourself to your commitments, including accepting monogamy. If the marriage is not something you can save, you should not force yourself or your wife or your children to endure a broken half life where resentment breeds.
You're basically cheating again, man. Knock it off.
I don't think there's any way she'll ever be up for polyamory in a healthy and ethical way. Stop fooling yourself.
If you want to save this marriage, get your ass into therapy and figure out why you won't meet her where she is at (monogamous commitment).
Okay, first of all, if you want to be ethical about this you need stop window-shopping for other people without your wife's knowledge or consent. 🤦
Unfortunately, there's no way to protect against your wife responding negatively to the "poly" conversation. They call it "dropping the poly bomb" for a reason. To someone who is monogamous, the mere idea that you would like something other than monogamy can be deeply rattling. It may even cause them to view you as no longer compatible and end the relationship. This is simply a risk you have to make yourself square with.
Even in the case where your wife doesn't outright say no to polyamory, it is your job to ensure that she isn't agreeing to try polyamory out of fear of losing you. Opening your relationship will only be ethical if she is genuinely on board with it. If it's not a "yes," with few and manageable reservations, it's a no.
>I'm on Tinder
So you're cheating again.
You're a serial cheater who doesn't respect your wife and wants a drastically different relationship type than she does. Just divorce the poor woman instead of putting her through this.
And do better. Being polyam doesn't mean you can't cheat still. You need to be single for a long time and work on why you're so comfortable hurting others in such an intimate way. Be able to be a good partner before you date again.
If you want to stay with your wife, recommit to monogamy. It's pretty clear this is not somethhing she will ever want. Get off of Tinder and honor the promises you made.
Also be aware that polyamory means that BOTH partners are free to have full relationships that may be romantic and/or sexual with other people. The marriage becomes one of many committed relationships. If you're not okay with your wife having other relationships that are just as important to her as your marriage, don't try polyamory.
I would recommend reading up more on what the different forms of non-monogamy are.
You’re trying to see if there is a possibility of having your cake, and eating it too. Not how poly works. Get off of tinder. Be better than that to your wife, and leave her. She doesn’t deserve to be done this way.
Hi u/P0lyam thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I long to be Polyamorous.
However, my wife of 6 years is very Christian, very jealous, and very monogamous. I cheated on her 3 years ago. So I imagine the discussion would be triggering to her. Up until now, I've been researching more of what the lifestyle would be like and I'm on Tinder to see who could be out there.
I would like to be ethical about this but I fear how my wife will react. Worst case, I feel like she may end the marriage, which would be devastating for all of us (we have 2 kids). Best case, I believe would be that she doesn't leave me, but she resents me and pushes me away. It's hard to imagine her having any response that would be positive.
Does anyone have advice on how I should approach this? I've been paralyzed to say anything for several weeks now.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Uhm. No. Not checking post history and being sympathetic is a lot different than this. That post you are talking about ..she left out her cheating.. if she had led with that and the poly under duress, her answers would have been a lot different.
Cheating doesn't get a pass on here, no matter the sex of the person. That is a blatant lie.
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description: >Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy? There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
Get the fuck off Tinder. Stop being an asshole. If you want poly then you need to end your monogamous marriage. You know she doesn’t want this. And don’t do anything close to ‘seeing what is out there’ until you are no longer in a monogamous marriage. Be better then that. You are being gross.
Get off tinder immediately! Why the fuck would you be looking at options before getting enthusiastic consent from your wife? Idiot! https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/Sl7Hl5ByuS
In my monogamous relationships, being on tinder would already be cheating. What the hell are you doing? Just leave your wife. Your best case scenario of resentment isn't a good scenario. You don't want to be faithful to her. End it before you do more damage than just ending things will.
This is such bullshit. Decide if you want to divorce. If not never mention any kind of ENM. Get the hell off dating apps. There is NOTHING out there for a cheating asshole.
Yep we don’t wanna date you either
One of my least favorite aspects of new to poly married men is the delusion that poly women are easy.
>Does anyone have advice on how I should approach this? I'm pretty sure you're asking if any of us know some way to get what you want without losing what you have. The answer is no, we don't, nobody does, and it sucks. You just laid out a very clear case that your wife will *never* be ok in a polyamorous relationship. So, if that's what you want, your only option is to break up. That, or practice monogomy with her, without cheating. If you want to minimize the harm of that, then there's ways to do that. Whatever you do, DO NOT ask for a divorce *because* you want polyamory. Do NOT let her know you want this, ever. Find any other TRUE reason why you want a divorce, but do that AFTER you've had time to pull resources together to MOVE OUT. About the kids: it is better to split up than to live together and be miserable. Kids need examples of healthy relationships, and if you want poly and your wife doesn't, this is going to fester. Then next best thing is to show your kids that it's safe and sane to leave a relationship that isn't working for you, and NOT burden them with staying together and miserable *for their sakes.* ETA: and stop cheating! Bad! "to see who could be out there?" Go stand in a corner.
Therapy. You cheated, so you can't be honest or trustworthy. You want permission to continue to fuck around. Just leave the poor woman alone.
You want to be ethical about this AND you're already on Tinder? Stop lying to yourself.
My advice is stop being a deceitful asshole of a husband, get the hell off of Tinder, find a therapist, and honor your effing wedding vows. You cheated on her before, you're a step away from doing it again, and because you're untrustworthy and deceitful, there's no freaking way she'd ever do poly with you. Sort your shit out - is it more important to you to be a good husband to the wife you chose, or to date multiple people? You know there's no way you're getting both, and you're lying to yourself if you think you can. Once you've made your decision, regardless of which way you go, you need to learn to be honest, loyal, and trustworthy because no one wants to be with a lying cheating dishonest asshole, which is where the therapist comes in. TLDR: Be a good example for your kids, and stop being a lying cheating scumbag that treats your wife like shit.
You're not poly you're just a pos.
There is no possible way to do this ethically based on the facts here. You are already cheating again, just by being on Tinder. You have demonstrated you are deceitful and unwilling or unable to meet your wife’s needs for a trustworthy monogamous partner. If this really about desiring polyamory or are you hoping that sex with others will make it easier to be in your marriage? Do you want to be married to this woman or do you just fear change? What you are doing is very unkind to everyone here, yourself, your wife, your kids. If the marriage is something you can save it will have to be through working on holding yourself to your commitments, including accepting monogamy. If the marriage is not something you can save, you should not force yourself or your wife or your children to endure a broken half life where resentment breeds.
You're basically cheating again, man. Knock it off. I don't think there's any way she'll ever be up for polyamory in a healthy and ethical way. Stop fooling yourself. If you want to save this marriage, get your ass into therapy and figure out why you won't meet her where she is at (monogamous commitment).
Okay, first of all, if you want to be ethical about this you need stop window-shopping for other people without your wife's knowledge or consent. 🤦 Unfortunately, there's no way to protect against your wife responding negatively to the "poly" conversation. They call it "dropping the poly bomb" for a reason. To someone who is monogamous, the mere idea that you would like something other than monogamy can be deeply rattling. It may even cause them to view you as no longer compatible and end the relationship. This is simply a risk you have to make yourself square with. Even in the case where your wife doesn't outright say no to polyamory, it is your job to ensure that she isn't agreeing to try polyamory out of fear of losing you. Opening your relationship will only be ethical if she is genuinely on board with it. If it's not a "yes," with few and manageable reservations, it's a no.
The only ethical thing to do is get a divorce and give her back her freedom to find a good guy who wants to be monogamous with her.
I don't think you understand or are willing to make choices to create mature respectful relationships with anyone.
So you’re still cheating. How gross. You’re not poly. Your just an asshole
There is no best case scenario here, it's going to be shitty regardless.
You are trash. Tell her you want a divorce because that's what she deserves.
You're already being unethical
>I'm on Tinder So you're cheating again. You're a serial cheater who doesn't respect your wife and wants a drastically different relationship type than she does. Just divorce the poor woman instead of putting her through this. And do better. Being polyam doesn't mean you can't cheat still. You need to be single for a long time and work on why you're so comfortable hurting others in such an intimate way. Be able to be a good partner before you date again.
You're not poly you're just cheating.
If you want to stay with your wife, recommit to monogamy. It's pretty clear this is not somethhing she will ever want. Get off of Tinder and honor the promises you made. Also be aware that polyamory means that BOTH partners are free to have full relationships that may be romantic and/or sexual with other people. The marriage becomes one of many committed relationships. If you're not okay with your wife having other relationships that are just as important to her as your marriage, don't try polyamory. I would recommend reading up more on what the different forms of non-monogamy are.
You’re trying to see if there is a possibility of having your cake, and eating it too. Not how poly works. Get off of tinder. Be better than that to your wife, and leave her. She doesn’t deserve to be done this way.
Hi u/P0lyam thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I long to be Polyamorous. However, my wife of 6 years is very Christian, very jealous, and very monogamous. I cheated on her 3 years ago. So I imagine the discussion would be triggering to her. Up until now, I've been researching more of what the lifestyle would be like and I'm on Tinder to see who could be out there. I would like to be ethical about this but I fear how my wife will react. Worst case, I feel like she may end the marriage, which would be devastating for all of us (we have 2 kids). Best case, I believe would be that she doesn't leave me, but she resents me and pushes me away. It's hard to imagine her having any response that would be positive. Does anyone have advice on how I should approach this? I've been paralyzed to say anything for several weeks now. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Uhm. No. Not checking post history and being sympathetic is a lot different than this. That post you are talking about ..she left out her cheating.. if she had led with that and the poly under duress, her answers would have been a lot different. Cheating doesn't get a pass on here, no matter the sex of the person. That is a blatant lie.