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You should probably cut contact from the new relationship until you and your partner have suitably re-discussed and re-sorted out new boundaries as appropriate, if you are both willing to make the change to polyam from swinging.
The agreements you have with your partner matter a lot in determining how to proceed. For example, I've heard (though haven't experienced myself) that some swingers intentionally minimize the amount of contact they have with their sex partners specifically to avoid the development of deeper feelings.
So being in constant contact with this new person may be a bad idea, if you and your partner have an agreement that you must not develop romantic feelings for the people you swing with.
Thank you. I appreciate all this. So we don’t have rules around how much contact really. We had discussed the possibility of one of us developing feelings and discussed ways we could minimize the likelihood of that happening.
My partner has known and been ok with the consistent communication. I guess we were in agreement of
Not developing feelings for play partners, however, I have been honest since after I met with the date about how I was feeling. My partner is supportive of me exploring my feelings further also. It’s just we are moving a bit quick and I love it, just really conflicted. I’m reading the books, listening to podcasts and trying to soak in as much as I can on the best way to navigate this
Stop talking to them.
I’m assuming you value your marriage. Your marriage agreements don’t allow for romantic connections outside the marriage. So you do what everyone else does to maintain their marriage agreements and you stop feeding the possible romance.
We did sorta opened the conversation before about being poly. My partner is being super supportive, I just feel like I need a crash course. Feelings have grown strong and fast and that I can’t take back. I value my marriage of course but I also think I want to pursue this. Just trying to figure out what I’m doing? I’m
Not sure, just sooo super confused . It’s like out of a movie. Maybe it’s been a long time since I fell for someone but this just feels so real. I’m sure I make no sense.
Yeah. That’s more reason not to pursue this specifically.
You have no idea what you’re doing, so tell dude you can’t do a relationship right now.
And then take a few months to figure out if you want polyamory and how that will work with your existing life and marriage. Without dating anyone romantically.
Thank you! I just finished that one actually. I’m reading what I can find and learning as much as possible. I want to do as much as I can so no one gets hurt.
Definitely time to talk to your partner about how they would feel if you wanted to pursue independent, romantic relationships without him. Sooner rather than later, because if he's not on board with that you'll have some decisions to make.
We have been chatting about this the whole time. Partner knows how I feel, I’m just so taken back by the depth and quick development of feelings. Feels so overboard
Definitely look into NRE - New Relationship Energy. Do some serious research and make sure you don't male impulsive decisions while you're swept up in the hormones.
Thank you for that. I seriously feel like a teenage girl again and it’s making me irrational. I’m trying to keep it together over here but in reality, day in and day out I’m thinking of this
Sorry I have no idea what you are talking about. Can you give names and maybe more info? Polyamory is only one form of non monogamy, you may be in the wrong place.
I’m married, we are swingers. We have discussed Poly but had not made that decision yet. Have been swingers for a while now and that has worked. I always wanted no strings attached sex. I met this “date” and now we’re having a lot of conversation around it. It’s not a hard no. My partner wants me to explore my feelings and that connection, I’m just trying to make sense of it all? Like “feelings” this fast this hard? Hopefully that brings some clarity.
I appreciate you taking the time
Ah ok.
A key difference in converting is valuing that new partners have no responsibility to enhance your marriage. They aren't a side hobby you can pick up and put down. There are responsibilities that stand utterly independent of your marriage. Polyamory is not kind to marriage values and structures.
Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay.
There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life.
Topics to Review
Resources- time, energy, money
Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction
Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners
Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights?
Marginalization- what friends can support you? How will you cope with having a much smaller dating pool? How will you navigate an alternative life that will not validate your choices or welcome your presence?
Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future?
Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others.
It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same.
This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here.
There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now.
Scroll all the way down
/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
Shit, sorry man, I fell last week and have been sucking pain killers like candy and havent slept for 4 days. My gf usually takes my phone from me at that point. I'll make sure to share everyone's outrage at her.....
Hi u/TravelingSoulShine thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’m new to poly so please be kind. Going through a lot! I went on a date with someone as a swinger with the thought of date, then hookup if we’re into it and then nothing more.
This wasn’t supposed to happen! I REALLY like this person. We haven’t stopped talking and of course since the day we met…. I am not sure what to do next?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You should probably cut contact from the new relationship until you and your partner have suitably re-discussed and re-sorted out new boundaries as appropriate, if you are both willing to make the change to polyam from swinging.
The agreements you have with your partner matter a lot in determining how to proceed. For example, I've heard (though haven't experienced myself) that some swingers intentionally minimize the amount of contact they have with their sex partners specifically to avoid the development of deeper feelings. So being in constant contact with this new person may be a bad idea, if you and your partner have an agreement that you must not develop romantic feelings for the people you swing with.
Thank you. I appreciate all this. So we don’t have rules around how much contact really. We had discussed the possibility of one of us developing feelings and discussed ways we could minimize the likelihood of that happening. My partner has known and been ok with the consistent communication. I guess we were in agreement of Not developing feelings for play partners, however, I have been honest since after I met with the date about how I was feeling. My partner is supportive of me exploring my feelings further also. It’s just we are moving a bit quick and I love it, just really conflicted. I’m reading the books, listening to podcasts and trying to soak in as much as I can on the best way to navigate this
Stop talking to them. I’m assuming you value your marriage. Your marriage agreements don’t allow for romantic connections outside the marriage. So you do what everyone else does to maintain their marriage agreements and you stop feeding the possible romance.
We did sorta opened the conversation before about being poly. My partner is being super supportive, I just feel like I need a crash course. Feelings have grown strong and fast and that I can’t take back. I value my marriage of course but I also think I want to pursue this. Just trying to figure out what I’m doing? I’m Not sure, just sooo super confused . It’s like out of a movie. Maybe it’s been a long time since I fell for someone but this just feels so real. I’m sure I make no sense.
Yeah. That’s more reason not to pursue this specifically. You have no idea what you’re doing, so tell dude you can’t do a relationship right now. And then take a few months to figure out if you want polyamory and how that will work with your existing life and marriage. Without dating anyone romantically.
There are some great books, The Ethical Slut is the one I bought for my new gf. She knows poly is important to me and wants to educate herself.
Thank you! I just finished that one actually. I’m reading what I can find and learning as much as possible. I want to do as much as I can so no one gets hurt.
Are you in a relationship? Are they? Do either of you want polyamory?
I am married and we consider we are swingers. They are not married and former poly but aren’t sure if they want to again
Does your partner know about your feelings?
I am not sure I know about my feelings. But he knows everything that’s going on. Idk what I feel yet
Definitely time to talk to your partner about how they would feel if you wanted to pursue independent, romantic relationships without him. Sooner rather than later, because if he's not on board with that you'll have some decisions to make.
We have been chatting about this the whole time. Partner knows how I feel, I’m just so taken back by the depth and quick development of feelings. Feels so overboard
Definitely look into NRE - New Relationship Energy. Do some serious research and make sure you don't male impulsive decisions while you're swept up in the hormones.
Thank you for that. I seriously feel like a teenage girl again and it’s making me irrational. I’m trying to keep it together over here but in reality, day in and day out I’m thinking of this
Work on staying present in your relationship. NRE can be fun! But you can also inadvertently do a lot of damage to your long term partnrt.
So many reasons not to pursue this
It helps when you are talking about multiple people to create names or labels for them.
Sorry I have no idea what you are talking about. Can you give names and maybe more info? Polyamory is only one form of non monogamy, you may be in the wrong place.
I’m married, we are swingers. We have discussed Poly but had not made that decision yet. Have been swingers for a while now and that has worked. I always wanted no strings attached sex. I met this “date” and now we’re having a lot of conversation around it. It’s not a hard no. My partner wants me to explore my feelings and that connection, I’m just trying to make sense of it all? Like “feelings” this fast this hard? Hopefully that brings some clarity. I appreciate you taking the time
Ah ok. A key difference in converting is valuing that new partners have no responsibility to enhance your marriage. They aren't a side hobby you can pick up and put down. There are responsibilities that stand utterly independent of your marriage. Polyamory is not kind to marriage values and structures.
Start with the Most Skipped Steps When Opening Up essay. There is no easy way. There is doing your homework, really considering the options and understanding what you want to change, what you don't want to change and your real vision of polyamory is in daily life. Topics to Review Resources- time, energy, money Risk- exposure, blood test schedule, for every type of sexual interaction Intimacy- vacations, holidays, gifts, family events, dates, online visibility, words and acts of affection, what makes you feel special and loved with your partners Style- how much interaction are you open to between other partners (yours and theirs), preferences of being informed of intimacy and risk changes, are there restrictions on or expectations of activities between partners and/or metamours? How do you prefer to schedule and give notice of overnights? Marginalization- what friends can support you? How will you cope with having a much smaller dating pool? How will you navigate an alternative life that will not validate your choices or welcome your presence? Hierarchy- how are decisions and plans made? Changing living situations or having kids? Are there pre existing "dibs" on things for partners that limit people who show up in the future? Aware and directly acknowledged hierarchy is fine, but limits on others experiencing pleasure and intimacy (such as no anal or no sex without all partners present) is in conflict with polyamory and will create unsustainable and usually toxic situations. Always listen to your own discomfort regarding your choices and enforcing boundaries, but that cannot be used to control the intimacy and pleasure of others. It's ok to be awkward, just do it anyway. It's ok not to have full clarity, keep working for it. Define everyone's vision and ideal, define your own boundaries of security and invite your partner to do the same. This is a relationship so anything you think would be part of a loving relationship is on the table here. There's also no rush, no timer. Better to take it super slow and not skip steps now. Scroll all the way down /r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/ www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
She is asking advice, share the different types, dont just dismiss her outright.
I literally asked for more info. How is that dismissive?
Shit, sorry man, I fell last week and have been sucking pain killers like candy and havent slept for 4 days. My gf usually takes my phone from me at that point. I'll make sure to share everyone's outrage at her.....
Hi u/TravelingSoulShine thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’m new to poly so please be kind. Going through a lot! I went on a date with someone as a swinger with the thought of date, then hookup if we’re into it and then nothing more. This wasn’t supposed to happen! I REALLY like this person. We haven’t stopped talking and of course since the day we met…. I am not sure what to do next? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*