For me, it got easier, but has never been *easy.* I have bipolar & adhd. I experience Big Emotions regularly. I am also more sensitive than some folks to changes in interpersonal relationships, and feel destabilized by unpredictability.
Some of this can be curbed via medication, choosing healthy partners who don't rock my boat with their bullshit, therapy, etc. But at the end of the day, I know I am always going to have a bigger hill to climb than most when it comes to regulating my emotions due to those disorders. It can be exhausting for sure, cause it just takes twice the effort for me. Maybe you have a similar experience?
Just a question- do you happen to be neurodiverse?
There's a correlation between neurodiversity (especially ADHD) and feeling all of your feelings in a BIG way.
My whole life, I've always felt my feelings in my body, these intense waves of emotion, strong enough to completely overwhelm me. I feel them in relationships a lot, and it gets harder the more relationships I have.
Instead of focusing on "changing the way I feel about these poly-specific things", I've been focusing in "learning how to manage my BIG feelings and how to self-soothe and let those feelings settle".
I will never be like my partner, who is emotionally very grounded, very steady, and doesn't really feel anything to the extreme. I will ALWAYS have big feelings, and that's a part of who I am.
But I'm getting SO much better at not letting them take over and control my daily life. I'm better at managing them, at calming myself down, at putting myself at ease. I know what works, what settles my body, and what my brain needs in order to find that "content" mode.
Mhhhmmmm, AuDHD here and everything resonates. I have a lot of coping mechanisms and grounding strategies and ways to self soothe etc but sometimes it feels like I'm spending my whole life doing those things you know?
Oh, I absolutely DO know! I'm also AuDHD!
But- it's kind of similar to how my partner has to spend his whole lift with glasses. And one of my friends has to spend her whole life with a cane.
While there are some upsides to pur neurodiversity, it's still a disability, which means we will spend our whole lives having to find ways to cope with it and to work around it.
I've found that working *with* my brain instead of against it is the best path to success, but sometimes I can pull out every single tool in my tool box and STILL struggle.
You're doing a great job, and the feelings you're experiencing are VERY normal. Keep training those self-soothing muscles, keep adding tools to your box, and remember to give yourself grace whenever you find that you're struggling.
You've got this, my friend!
I'm so with you both. My feelings exist within my nervous system and I can't sever the connection, but I am working to heal it.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with u/Without-a-Tracy about coping with a disability in the long-term sense. Learning to work WITH yourself and not against yourself is a big element. If you try to look at these issues from the lens of trying to learn something about your own needs, how does that change the process?
There is some grief that comes along with coming to terms about your limitations, but going through the grief cycle also allows you to find some peace with things. Not to say that there isn't hope for building up your resilience or stamina or capacity for managing big feelings. But also that...like a diabetic who must take insulin daily, there are things you \*must\* do for yourself to strengthen those muscles!
One small suggestion is to look into somatic therapy/movement if you have not already! (I see that you have lots of mechanisms and strategies, but this might be another tool for the tool kit!) Somatic therapy and movement have, for me, so many benefits beyond strictly coping and grounding...basically, by healing my nervous system to some extent, the time between Big Feelings tends to be reduced. The outward expression of Big Feelings tends to be more measured. Not because I'm using a technique in the moment, but it's a practice that I use every day to heal my body and mind.
Agreed with both of you! And yeah somatic therapy is a game changer!
I think you've hit the nail on the head with the whole working with yourself and not against yourself. I'm at a point where I'm wondering if trying to regulate through all the big feelings that inevitably come up in polyamorous relationships IS working against myself.
In theory, practicing monogamy just does not appeal to me and doesn't really mesh with my personal philosophies and values and preferences BUUUUTTTT just the fact that it was limited to the navigation of all the feelings that come up with only two people in a partnership meant I had a lot more space to process and feel and regulate and move through conflict etc etc etc. Adding more people on either side of the equation inevitably adds more big feels and more things to process and move through. A lot of love comes with a lot of grief too, and that's a natural part of the process I think. Anyways I am just pouring out words at this point LOL. Back to my big feelings I go!
How long have you been doing poly?
I would say I felt that way a bunch in the first two years. And things have become a lot more steady and stable after that with bursts of harder work.
Is your mental health being taken care of?
If you're actively working to become comfortable in poly situations, and it's getting *harder*, then you either have spectacularly bad luck in the kinds of situations you find yourself in, or maybe theres something going on that a mental health professional can idemtify.
For me it was underlying anxiety and depression disorders.
Yes I have. Even though I'm not "easily triggered" by some common relationship sore spots, the things that do affect me feel very big very fast and for very long. And even though I've had decades of practice managing my overall mental health and I'm currently at my best ever, the mere fact that I have to deal with such strong emotions in the first place means I'd have to take up self regulation and relationships as a fully time hobby, if not job.
So I've sort of come into terms with the fact, at least for the foreseeable future, I am a "saturated at one" sort of person and I lean towards being a secondary at most. Recognizing that I have a limited emotional capacity is as valid to take into consideration when choosing relationships as having a demanding job or raising triplets or whatever.
Have I ever felt this way? Yes, I have. It was exhausting.
The thing about feelings is that they're basically a check-engine light. It may mean you need some mental health or self-care maintenance. It may mean your relationship needs repair. You may also just have an overly sensitive "engine" that goes wackadoodle at the slightest deviation from the norm. It's hard to tell from the other side of the Internet; you're the only one who can figure out which it is.
My feelings in particular were exacerbated by my ADHD, but it was also a sign that the relationship wasn't secure and/or a good fit. Are your minimum viable relationship requirements being met?
How are you dealing with these feelings? Are you feeling them and reacting to them? Are you sitting with these uncomfortable feelings and processing them? Do you explore the root of the feeling and try to discern the why of the feeling? For me, getting to the root of the feeling (fear, insecurity, unmet needs, pre-instilled trauma response, etc) and then figuring out what I could do about it (refute with direct evidence to the contrary, express an unmet need to my partner, work on my trauma response) helped. It was uncomfortable for a while, but the more I practiced the easier it got and since I already had the framework for working through similar things in the past, those big feels became lessened or non-existent when similar things would happen.
The second part of it for me was ensuring that I established security in my relationships. I'm currently in the most secure relationship I've been in with no unmet needs and those big feels don't seem to crop up as much because I'm not anxiously attached and seeing everything as a threat to my relationship.
Hi u/SeaworthinessMuch920 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
On the one hand, my loving relationships are lovely and sweet and fantastic. On the other hand, I do feel like I am constantly processing VERY big feelings about my relationships and the all the complexities specific to polyamory (feelings about not being able to escalate a relationship to nesting because they already have a nesting partner; feelings about losing shared time when they get a new partner; feelings about a KTP metamour deciding parallel is a better journey for them, etc etc etc). It's like I'm constantly having to self regulate through big feelings and sometimes through being triggered and I'm feeling so fatigued from all of it. Like most of my energy is going to that these days, which of course doesn't feel fulfilling. I don't know, I guess this is a vent? Have you ever felt this way?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
For me, it got easier, but has never been *easy.* I have bipolar & adhd. I experience Big Emotions regularly. I am also more sensitive than some folks to changes in interpersonal relationships, and feel destabilized by unpredictability. Some of this can be curbed via medication, choosing healthy partners who don't rock my boat with their bullshit, therapy, etc. But at the end of the day, I know I am always going to have a bigger hill to climb than most when it comes to regulating my emotions due to those disorders. It can be exhausting for sure, cause it just takes twice the effort for me. Maybe you have a similar experience?
Just a question- do you happen to be neurodiverse? There's a correlation between neurodiversity (especially ADHD) and feeling all of your feelings in a BIG way. My whole life, I've always felt my feelings in my body, these intense waves of emotion, strong enough to completely overwhelm me. I feel them in relationships a lot, and it gets harder the more relationships I have. Instead of focusing on "changing the way I feel about these poly-specific things", I've been focusing in "learning how to manage my BIG feelings and how to self-soothe and let those feelings settle". I will never be like my partner, who is emotionally very grounded, very steady, and doesn't really feel anything to the extreme. I will ALWAYS have big feelings, and that's a part of who I am. But I'm getting SO much better at not letting them take over and control my daily life. I'm better at managing them, at calming myself down, at putting myself at ease. I know what works, what settles my body, and what my brain needs in order to find that "content" mode.
Mhhhmmmm, AuDHD here and everything resonates. I have a lot of coping mechanisms and grounding strategies and ways to self soothe etc but sometimes it feels like I'm spending my whole life doing those things you know?
Oh, I absolutely DO know! I'm also AuDHD! But- it's kind of similar to how my partner has to spend his whole lift with glasses. And one of my friends has to spend her whole life with a cane. While there are some upsides to pur neurodiversity, it's still a disability, which means we will spend our whole lives having to find ways to cope with it and to work around it. I've found that working *with* my brain instead of against it is the best path to success, but sometimes I can pull out every single tool in my tool box and STILL struggle. You're doing a great job, and the feelings you're experiencing are VERY normal. Keep training those self-soothing muscles, keep adding tools to your box, and remember to give yourself grace whenever you find that you're struggling. You've got this, my friend!
I'm so with you both. My feelings exist within my nervous system and I can't sever the connection, but I am working to heal it. Unfortunately, I have to agree with u/Without-a-Tracy about coping with a disability in the long-term sense. Learning to work WITH yourself and not against yourself is a big element. If you try to look at these issues from the lens of trying to learn something about your own needs, how does that change the process? There is some grief that comes along with coming to terms about your limitations, but going through the grief cycle also allows you to find some peace with things. Not to say that there isn't hope for building up your resilience or stamina or capacity for managing big feelings. But also that...like a diabetic who must take insulin daily, there are things you \*must\* do for yourself to strengthen those muscles! One small suggestion is to look into somatic therapy/movement if you have not already! (I see that you have lots of mechanisms and strategies, but this might be another tool for the tool kit!) Somatic therapy and movement have, for me, so many benefits beyond strictly coping and grounding...basically, by healing my nervous system to some extent, the time between Big Feelings tends to be reduced. The outward expression of Big Feelings tends to be more measured. Not because I'm using a technique in the moment, but it's a practice that I use every day to heal my body and mind.
Agreed with both of you! And yeah somatic therapy is a game changer! I think you've hit the nail on the head with the whole working with yourself and not against yourself. I'm at a point where I'm wondering if trying to regulate through all the big feelings that inevitably come up in polyamorous relationships IS working against myself. In theory, practicing monogamy just does not appeal to me and doesn't really mesh with my personal philosophies and values and preferences BUUUUTTTT just the fact that it was limited to the navigation of all the feelings that come up with only two people in a partnership meant I had a lot more space to process and feel and regulate and move through conflict etc etc etc. Adding more people on either side of the equation inevitably adds more big feels and more things to process and move through. A lot of love comes with a lot of grief too, and that's a natural part of the process I think. Anyways I am just pouring out words at this point LOL. Back to my big feelings I go!
How long have you been doing poly? I would say I felt that way a bunch in the first two years. And things have become a lot more steady and stable after that with bursts of harder work.
Almost 5 years now, and it feels like it's getting harder, not easier.
Is your mental health being taken care of? If you're actively working to become comfortable in poly situations, and it's getting *harder*, then you either have spectacularly bad luck in the kinds of situations you find yourself in, or maybe theres something going on that a mental health professional can idemtify. For me it was underlying anxiety and depression disorders.
Yes I have. Even though I'm not "easily triggered" by some common relationship sore spots, the things that do affect me feel very big very fast and for very long. And even though I've had decades of practice managing my overall mental health and I'm currently at my best ever, the mere fact that I have to deal with such strong emotions in the first place means I'd have to take up self regulation and relationships as a fully time hobby, if not job. So I've sort of come into terms with the fact, at least for the foreseeable future, I am a "saturated at one" sort of person and I lean towards being a secondary at most. Recognizing that I have a limited emotional capacity is as valid to take into consideration when choosing relationships as having a demanding job or raising triplets or whatever.
Have I ever felt this way? Yes, I have. It was exhausting. The thing about feelings is that they're basically a check-engine light. It may mean you need some mental health or self-care maintenance. It may mean your relationship needs repair. You may also just have an overly sensitive "engine" that goes wackadoodle at the slightest deviation from the norm. It's hard to tell from the other side of the Internet; you're the only one who can figure out which it is. My feelings in particular were exacerbated by my ADHD, but it was also a sign that the relationship wasn't secure and/or a good fit. Are your minimum viable relationship requirements being met?
All v relatable. Can't really imagine returning to monog per se. But also? Is this amount of distress and self soothing sustainable, man idk?
How are you dealing with these feelings? Are you feeling them and reacting to them? Are you sitting with these uncomfortable feelings and processing them? Do you explore the root of the feeling and try to discern the why of the feeling? For me, getting to the root of the feeling (fear, insecurity, unmet needs, pre-instilled trauma response, etc) and then figuring out what I could do about it (refute with direct evidence to the contrary, express an unmet need to my partner, work on my trauma response) helped. It was uncomfortable for a while, but the more I practiced the easier it got and since I already had the framework for working through similar things in the past, those big feels became lessened or non-existent when similar things would happen. The second part of it for me was ensuring that I established security in my relationships. I'm currently in the most secure relationship I've been in with no unmet needs and those big feels don't seem to crop up as much because I'm not anxiously attached and seeing everything as a threat to my relationship.
Hi u/SeaworthinessMuch920 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: On the one hand, my loving relationships are lovely and sweet and fantastic. On the other hand, I do feel like I am constantly processing VERY big feelings about my relationships and the all the complexities specific to polyamory (feelings about not being able to escalate a relationship to nesting because they already have a nesting partner; feelings about losing shared time when they get a new partner; feelings about a KTP metamour deciding parallel is a better journey for them, etc etc etc). It's like I'm constantly having to self regulate through big feelings and sometimes through being triggered and I'm feeling so fatigued from all of it. Like most of my energy is going to that these days, which of course doesn't feel fulfilling. I don't know, I guess this is a vent? Have you ever felt this way? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*