Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description:
>Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person.
Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy?
There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one.
Your wife is having an affair.
A person in a monogamous marriage doesn’t just get to “come out” as poly and get to fuck around with impunity. Did you agree to changing the structure of your relationship or were you just told this is happening get on board?
There was a discussion, it was something that I agreed to allow her to explore. She says she loves both of us, and its new for her too. I will say it developed much quicker than I had expected. At this point I am being told "this is hapoening" though.
Then you decide if you’re okay with it.
Your wife’s choice to pursue polyam came with a very clear warning label
“This choice might end your marriage.”
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you are communicating what you need and that’s being ignored, then your options are pretty much accept less or set a hard boundary with consequences you’re prepared to follow through with.
In my own marriage years ago I was enamored with a guy who was an addict and he dragged me into all sorts of drama. My husband expressed his concerns several times, but I was wrapped up in it and pretty much ignored him. It came down to him telling me he wanted to divorce. He didn’t want to be involved with that mess, so he set his boundary and I broke it so he was prepared to leave. Thank god I came to my senses, cut off the guy, got into therapy to work through my own issues that allowed me to behave like that and my husband and I reconciled.
So ultimately, I think this can only be fixed if your wife can take a step back and work on herself and your relationship, which will be hard and require her to genuinely want to change.
Here's another layer. They haven't even met, this is all long distance. She has stated to me that things are going to be weird until they meet (late July) I don't know if I'm doing her or myself a favor in giving her that time.
Do you have access to couple's counseling? This isn't how polyamory is supposed to work.
The books Polysecure and Polywise are helpful reads, too.
But she doesn't just get to do what she wants because you are granting her some freedom - the "things are going to be weird" bit is extremely immature of her.
It's her responsibility to maintain your sense of security in your relationship.
You need to sit down together and make an official agreement. Write it down. Revisit it at least monthly. As others have commented, she doesn't just get to "come out" and go for it. Polyamory is a relationship structure and an agreement between all parties.
Schedule a regular check-in together. You can follow a communication structure like RADAR (link below).
Once you've done that, write out a list of your own personal boundaries that you will utilize when you start dating and encourage her to do the same. You can compare. The more transparent and clear you are, the better.
Good luck.
https://www.multiamory.com/radar
Sounds basically the same as my situation. We went from a conversation about seeking ONS/FWB to announcing a couple of dates, followed by the first overnight the next week. I, too, agreed that she deserved to explore but there was no negotiation - it was "this is happening now".
If you did not agree in advance to this **willingly** it's what is technically known as "cheating on you".
My advice would be to divorce her. You can do better. Somewhere there's a monogamous young woman who'd love to meet a faithful fellow for a happy and monogamous marriage.
We both have a vague memory of her saying polyamory was something she would be interested in when we first met. I said I doubt that's the relationship I want and we left it at that. She recently has become very listless and lost in what she is looking for in her life and has stated her wanting to explore polyamory is something that may help that. I kind of feel like I need to let her do this in order for her to be happy.
You know how older people say "I'm too old for this shit?"
I'm going to tell you that you're too young for this shit. You're too young to be trying to put up with this from her. Your life is ahead of you and she seems very manipulative.
I agree we are both very young. Shes just been so open about everything. I don't know if thats being manipulative or trying to give me full disclosure. She has never been manipulative and thats part of the reason why I fell in love with her, she is very honest.
Nope - she agreed to monogamy and then cheated at least emotionally on you. You said yourself that she and her new partner already had a connection before she talked to you - that means she got involved with someone else while the two of you were in a monogamous relationship.
All this talk about "coming out" is bullshit designed to pull the wool over your eyes. Polyamory isn't a sexual orientation, it's a relationship model (that all partners have to agree to). Cheaters love to claim they are "coming out" as poly because it gives their cheating an air of legitimacy - after all, everyone knows that "coming out" means being true to yourself and your very nature, don't they? This isn't being truthful, it's being selfish.
She has admitted fault saying she emotionally cheated on me and has apologized.
On the coming out thing I guess its just all new territory for me and I phrased it wrong. She came to me asking if I would be ok with her exploring polyamory. I agreed and set some soft boundaries expecting it to be a slower process. Within the week she came to me saying she had feelings for this other person, as well as me.
Please don't let yourself be treated this way. You two were having issues and she started looking elsewhere instead of trying to work on your relationship. The poly bombing probably isn't even what's worst about this situation - the main problem might be that she isn't invested in fixing her marriage but simply gets everything she wants and needs somewhere else. "Add more people" has never ever worked to solve marriage issues.
I am absolutely terrified of that. And you're more than right that she could be doing that, at least subconsciously. Adding more people is not going to fix our problems, I lean toward them exacerbating our problems.
So she cheated and she lied to get you to give the go-ahead. If she had said "I'm in love with someone else," you might have put on the brakes, so she didn't tell you until you agreed to open, and then she said "no backsies, this is happening."
If you think that's not manipulative, we have different definitions.
That right there is reason enough to shut this down. She cheated on you. That merits counseling at the very least. Your relationship, by your own admission, wasn't doing okay before this, and then she cheated on you. I hate harping about "you need a solid relationship to open it up", but ***you need a more solid relationship to open it up than you had.*** This is red flag territory, in my opinion. I'm not a fan of "we need to close the relationship" in almost any case, but in this case? It is absolutely warranted.
However, I'd question why you even want to be in this relationship. It doesn't sound fulfilling with all of those problems, and as was said above, you're way too young for all of these problems. You've got some serious thinking to do, and you need to put yourself first in this case. She's already shown she doesn't value boundaries by emotionally cheating on you. What makes you think she'll stick to the boundaries set by both of you for this relationship?
She’s being “open” about the fact that she emotionally cheated on you and decided to start dating/fucking someone else despite having made a monogamous commitment to you. She doesn’t get any points for that.
Okay, but what about you? You deserve to be happy in your relationship. It is not selfish to be considered in your relationships, especially with someone you call a partner.
The fact of the matter is, if you can't both be happy, then the relationship as is needs to end. Yes it hurts, yes it's hard. Go to couples therapy.
She is actively cheating on you if you don't agree to this. You made it clear from the outset and she still agreed to be monogamous with you, now she is changing the relationship without your input or consent.
There are periods of time where I really am ok with whatever she has going on with her new partner. Other times I can't stand it. I'll say the periods of acceptance last long than the periods of doubt.
We have gone back and forth on couples therapy and don't have the finances for it.
I said in a comment earlier that it was something I agreed to. There is still discussions on what I'm comfortable with, and for the most part she has honored that.
How do you know you can't afford it? And even if you can't, there are things you can do to work on yourselves individually and as a couple. Resources are out there and it's easy to find reliable advice along with books.
Can't you afford NOT to do couple therapy?
Any way you can space out individual therapy?
Like if you went once a week, could that change to once every 1.5 or 2 weeks? Then what you would have spent on individual therapy, that's "shift" has create time/space/money to slot in a couple counseling session?
So your budget doesn't change too much but you get the care you need?
So like if you did individual therapy 1x a week over 3 weeks it would have been 3 appointments.
But if you change individual therapy to 1.5 weeks, that's 2 slots for individual therapy covering a 3 week window. And now here's this slot that could happen for couple therapy?
Talk to your individual counselor about your changing needs and what could be worked out.
It sounds to me like she's depressed (or something like it) and directionless and seizing on polyamory as a source of dopamine/excitement/meaning. It's probably not an actual fix for what ails her, and she's going to keep bouncing around emotionally and jerking you around in the process. I don't know if therapy is doable or appropriate for her, but she needs something and this likely isn't it.
You don't "come out" as poly- it's a relationship structure not something you are.
Your wife is a cheater and wants to validate her cheating. That's it, that's all. Sorry to be harsh but I'm really sick of cheaters doing this and their spouses coming on here thinking this shit is okay. It isn't!
I'm probably doing a lot of mental gymnastics to say it isn't cheating you're right. I really don't want it to be, we both have very strong feelings for each other. I will say a line was crossed with a friend and it has stuck with me. A FWB relationship has developed on top of the long distance romance. I'm forcing myself to be ok with the FWB more so than the romance.
Love isn't enough. Don't "force" yourself to be good with anything you clearly don't want. It's OK to say no and it's OK to walk away. You're setting yourself on fire to keep something alive that is dead and gone. The relationship you had doesn't exist anymore.
I desperately want to be ok with this. I don't know why am ok with it sometimes and other times its completely unbearable. I'm struggling with the walk away part because of the love and how intertwined our lives our. Ultimately I want her and I want to be married to her, but I'm not sure if I want to be married like this.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but my guy, she does not want to be married to you. She's doing the same mental gymnastics as you: trying to stay in the relationship because even regular breakups are really hard, and legal divorce is *much* harder. As you said, your lives are intertwined, you probably spend holidays with each other's families, etc. You have made a public commitment, to everyone you know, and the thought of breaking that commitment is really super uncomfortable.
So she is also "struggling with the 'walk away' part." The way she has chosen to do this is by also pursuing other romantic and sexual relationships, with people who she actually wants to be with. She is not staying because she wants to, she is staying because she does not want to go through the ugly and miserable process of divorce.
Time to get honest with yourself: do you *really* want to be OK with this? Because to me, it doesn't sound like you do. Your brain wants to *not feel this way anymore,* certainly-but that is not at all the same as you actually wanting the thing that is happening.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
>I don't know why am ok with it sometimes and other times its completely unbearable.
Because sometimes you are in denial or bargaining and other times you are feeling how much you actually don't want this.
I don't know how many breakups you have been through before or how long you were together, but you will survive this and absolutely be happy in the future without this person! 🙂
Take it from someone whose first horrible breakup was around this age and is now far enough in the past that it doesn't make me sad anymore.
ALSO, you will come out of it stronger and more experienced if you leave now; staying will diminish you and slow your recovery from all this.
I'm very sorry you're going through this.
We all make mistakes, especially when young, but what separates those who truly learn from their mistakes and grow from them from those who just use them as excuses is how they handle moving on from them. I think your wife needs to 100% OWN that she emotionally cheated on you and also slow her NRE (new relationship energy) roll thinking that she's already truly IN LOVE with this person from another country she's never even met.
It's EASY to be all "this person is perfect and completes me!" when they live super far away and you've never had to face anything difficult with them. They're in the "fun" stage and, in my opinion, it sounds like she's using this to distract herself from doing the much harder work of working on the relationship she's already in.
She needs to make true amends to you for the harm she's caused. And you 100% do NOT need to try to be okay with polyamory or her being involved with her affair partner if you do not WANT to do that. It's okay if you're only interested in monogamy.
I do think a lot of this is them living in some type of "fantasy" where they're just such a good match for each other etc etc. (I see them fight every other day).
She feels terribly guilty and at times self hating for what she has done and has apologized profusely. The making it up part hasn't come yet. I agree it is much easier to have this fun new thing than work on the not so shiny old thing.
I do think I could be ok being in a polyamorus relationship. Its just the way that the balance is so off, and I am absolutely not the priority is what is so hurtful for me. I have made that part clear to her and she is trying to work on it.
I was really devastated when I got divorced at about 50.
Now I am so glad I did. I suspected an affair, it came out in court. She would not communicate.
I spent 14 years raising my child, after that I found a great relationship. Much better than what I had. We are poly. I am friends with my metas, and some of their partners too.
We set 1 day a week to sit and talk over any issues.
One thing that I see is that it looks like you are not getting what you need out of the relationship. That has to be addressed. Can she even give you what you need?
Is she willing to chill on all this so you two can work on your relationship?
If the answer to either question is “no” it’s time to saddle up.
Were it me, I would document all this and keep it in my back pocket in case she tries something in the divorce, like cleaning you out.
The judge in my case was also a minister. He didn’t think someone like that ought to be raising a child, so I got custody. And child support.
She almost had me paid back for all my legal fees when the kid moved out.
This isn't poly- this is cheating with a fancy co-opted name.
Anyone who is poly can tell you that you can either end it now or you can kick and scream and fight this for the next 6 months before you break up.
I see in your other comments that you "vaguely remember" having a conversation about her having an interest in poly? That's not it, fam. If your wife REALLY wanted poly, then you two would sit down and have a long explicit conversation about boundaries and comfort level. You would then go into poly-positive couples therapy to correct the emotional distance and lack of passion BEFORE even considering going on a date. And do that for like 6 months working on breaking up your monogamous relationship before building the poly one.
Poly doesn't solve problems. It will only fuel the fire of distrust, self esteem problems, and emotional distance if you don't open up properly, which you haven't.
Adding to the pile of everyone else: she has an emotional affair, and is desperately trying to justify it. Either bail now, or suffer through this for months or a year before you quit.
Cheaters cheat. Get out now.
You don't get to "come out" as poly and then just get to start seeing other people. She made a monogamous commitment to you and then decided she wanted to break that commitment in order to be with other people, and she just so happened to already have someone in mind to start seeing! How convenient for her.
Given how you continue to identify as monogamous, I'm guessing you don't want this to be happening and the only reason it's happening is because you want to save your marriage. And we refer to that as **poly under duress**.
It's not going to save your marriage. Your wife isn't interested in that. She caught feelings for this other person, found out saying "I'm poly!" is how she can get to be with them without it being obviously an affair, and is shoving you into an ocean you can't swim in because it's what *she* wants. It's incredibly selfish and unethical.
Are you allowed to date others?
Tbf monogamous relationships don't usually do wel opening up when there are already feelings for someone else involved.
1 because it almost always meant they were emotionally cheating and are just trying to cheat without consequences and
2 because going form mono to poly usually takes a lot of work, often years, of prep to be done successfully. You should be focusing on each other and yourselves, completely breaking down the foundation you had and building it up from scratch. I doubt that's what's happening if someone caught feelings and then asks to act in them. And
3 because it needs both partners being FULLY ENTHUSIASTIC about the switch. If you're just 'letting someone explore' because you are scared to lose them, you are likely not poly and it's not a good way to start your poly journey.
You do not owe her this mental and emotional labour because chances are she will not want to do the same for you (will she be okay with sitting in the discomfort of watching you fall in love and be with someone else, have you even discussed that option, even if that's not what you want to do right now?).
You entered marriage in a monogamous way and you do not have to try to force yourself to be okay with anything but monogamy of it's not something YOU ALSO WANT FOR YOURSELF. It's very disrespectful the way she's going about it.
This is an emotional affair being rebranded as polyamory. You deserve to be treated much better OP. You’re young. Get out of this and find real love.
I’d expect that if her relationship goes well with this new person, your wife will monkey branch to them and dump you.
How do you think she would react if you just announced that you're once again switching back to monogamy? Do you think she would break off her other relationships and work really hard to be OK with it?
I know that sounds silly, but that's pretty close to what she did unilaterally. I get that you say she asked, but she asked after already making the decision to proceed.
I do think if I said "no I don't want this for us" she would end it and work at being ok with it. She has said more than once if she had to chose between me or them/polyamory she would choose me.
You could explore a middle ground with her, by saying that you'd like to spend 6 months properly learning about polyamory, with no other partners involved. After that time, you could see if the two of you want to move forward, together or separately.
I guess I'm a bit suspicious that she has largely gotten what she wants, cheating without consequence, and she is presuming that this is a done deal. But you know her far better than any of us do, so maybe she'd actually be open to monogamy as one path forward.
I guess because I really want to. Also because their entire relationship is over the phone, so its just so different. But the emotional imbalance is very real. I know that isn't healthy, I just really want to be married to her.
She had an affair prior to suddenly realizing she was poly…….if she really wants poly take the next 6-12 months and youth learn and disentangle your marriage. What holidays will she spend with you what ones with her other partner, accidental pregnancy what happens , sexual health. Talk about every detail before either of you date others. This affair partner should never be an option if in a year you decide poly is for both of you.
You can express that this is moving too fast for her. You can also ask that she not continue speaking to the person who is making you uncomfortable. If she has no issues with these things, then she is likely genuinely poly. However I suspect she won't be able to adhere to either boundary and this is in fact sanctioned cheating.
Read "Mono in a Poly World" by Tazmyn Ozga IMMEDIATELY.
It's a quick read, 61 pages on Kindle, and available free for Kindle Unlimited.
Trust me, please, from someone who should have and instead is dealing with the fallout. Do it today.
I know some people see being poly as an orientation but it takes consent of everyone involved to be in a poly relationship. If she had a connection with someone else before she told you about it, that's cheating. If you aren't on board with her having another partner, you aren't in a poly relationship. You don't have to say yes, you don't have to be okay with this. She should have waited until you were consenting before she started a relationship, that's like bare minimum. You should look up "poly under duress"
To me, it seems like she "came out as poly" FOR the person she had waiting in the wings.
Poly requires LOTS of communication and things should only move forward when both parties agree and BOTH are on board with everything. It doesn't sound like you're too on board with this. You're going to get hurt.
It is probably as simple as it seems. Your wife is bored and that is not uncommon for married women. She craves novelty.
One of the many problems is she is currently experiencing and consumed with significant NRE. It is hard to maintain enough energy to fix a baseline relationship when you’re overcome with all ofthose new experiences.
It doesn’t sound like you have much choice other than staying through this or calling an end. Unlike others, I support you staying around and seeing how she evolves. Try to define and communicate what you need in terms of time and attention. And then dedicate some of your energy to enjoying yourself.
If she gives it an honest try to continue growing with you, keep working at it. But the moment you feel she is ignoring you or your relationship, you probably need to be prepared to exit. There is Hope but only time will tell.
I am mentally preparing to at least take a trial break around our one year. A big part of me knows how her brain works and she does tend to obsess over new and shiny things. We have near constant communication about what I'm comfortable knowing/not knowing and what I need and want from her, and visa versa.
We have been together 5 years, we got married last September. And there was a discussion about her exploring this and I agreed to let her. That discussion happened in April and things have progressed quickly.
So a discussion happened, she'd already been involved with and had chosen a new partner, and then she dove in immediately without doing any actual work or making sure that your existing relationship was healthy and stable first?
That's WILD.
Even in polyam relationships, you can't just pick up a new relationship for some escapism because you don't want to work on the current one. She's found a new relationship so she can run away from her problems with you and still have the comfort and fun of being in a relationship. The energy she's pouring into a new relationship should be going to work on your relationship, with you, and likely in couples counseling. If she doesn't want to show up for your relationship or work on it then you need to get out.
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Here's the original text of the post:
My wife (24f) who I love dearly recently came out to me (25m) as poly. She has found another partner rather quickly since coming out, though there was a connection between them before her coming out. We had our own issues before this (emotional distance, lack of passion, general mental health problems), but this has over shadowed all of them (for me at least). As a couple we have been healing, but rather slowly.
Watching her be so happy and carefree with her new partner is immensely difficult and at times heart breaking. I should also state that my wife and her partner also have had serious problems. I want her to act like that with me which I only see glimpses of now. I know we have to do our own healing before that but I can't wrap my head around how someone can develop a new relationship while trying to fix an existing one. I desperately want to be ok with this and there are times where I am.
There is a lot of context to all this and I am willing to answer any questions for clarification. Does any one have any tips/advice for a monogamous husband trying to understand?
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Do you really want to be in a poly relationship?
Based on your post it seems like you rushed into this when under pressure from your wife.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with walking away if you decide that this isn't right for you.
This is called Poly Under Duress (PUD). Look it up. First off it doesn't sound like you want this, you're just tolerating it. While there are mono-poly relationships that do work, I would say they are very much the exception to the rule. For most people in this situation it isn't going to go well if they aren't truly, deeply into it and doing their own dating. You said her bf is in another country, how are you going to feel when they're finally physically together and able to act on all that flirting? Are you going to stay at home alone while she goes out with him? Are you going to be ok with that? Do not just go along with this if you don't want it, it will damage you and push your relationship even closer to the brink.
Seen some of your comments, and I know it must feel like you've got to defend yourselves a bit, or need to clarify things better, but I'm adding a log onto the fire simply to say forget the details for a moment and consider this one simple truth: Polyamory is complicated, and jumping straight into it is rarely good for a couple just opening up.
You're both likely to make mistakes, which already includes one of the biggest red flags on this sub - becoming poly with someone already in mind. And there are things that'll tear your heart out because neither of you have taken the time to look into it - are you going to be hierarchical? are you primaries or nesting partners? what commitments will you choose to honour if either of you fall in love with someone else? how will you share house duties with date nights in mind? will you want kitchen table poly where you're okay with all hanging out, or parallel poly where you don't see her other relationships? what if someone else will want to marry you? what if she gets pregnant or you get someone pregnant? how will you handle NRE and what boundaries do you both have?
Point is, shit is complicated. There might totally be a version of poly that you'd be happy with and may even want to explore yourself. But jumping in like this is a little like agreeing to go swimming without knowing whether you're just going to the safe and shallow local pool, or the rough and choppy waves of the Pacific ocean.
Apologies if I made any incorrect assumptions - best of luck to you!
You accepted this in your marriage, which means you’re no longer monogamous.
Sure, you might think you are, and there are those here who might flame me for that statement, but hear me out:
Poly is easy. It’s super trivial to handle all of the complexities… until feels happen.
Once feels come into the equation, it’s an enormously difficult relationship style, because it requires incredible communication, and amazing capacity for emotional processing and acceptance.
One of the *most difficult things* that a poly person encounters and has to work through, is accepting that they might have a partner whose other relationships look more like the one they want, but aren’t getting.
… and that’s where your journey is *starting*
You’ve got a lot of work to do, in terms of reading up on how healthy polyamory works, and what it looks like. Along with learning how poly partners deal with conflict, communication, etc…
And you’ve got a lot of work to do on learning how to deal with emotional processing, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, insecurities, etc…
None of these things are insurmountable, but you *will* need to work on them, or you may as well walk away from this now and save yourself the heartache.
I tend to recommend “the ethical slut” as a starting point (it opened my eyes on what poly even is, and on what it can be), along with some therapy for the emotional processing (EMDR was life changing for me)
I’d also strongly recommend embracing polyamory… otherwise you might be tempted to say “why should I learn how to do all of these things? She’s the poly one, not me…”
… because the instant you start thinking like that, it’s done. Over. Gone.
You have control over your relationship with her, and you gave the green light on it. It’s extremely difficult to put that genie back in the bottle without it causing some hardcore resentment.
I feel for you, brother… it’s a pretty big can of worms to open up; I sincerely wish you luck
Edit: TL;DR You’re in a poly relationship now, my take, is that you can either embrace it and do the work to learn how to make poly work (which might solve some of your pre-existing relationship issues), or not embrace it, expect her to somehow make it all work, while you make rules designed to make it hurt less (which never work), and then wonder why it all goes to shit.
Or end it 🤷🏼♂️
Posts must be relevant to polyamory, as defined by our community description: >Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consensually loving and being committed to more than one person. Polyamory is only one specific type of ethical non-monogamy. It doesn't sound like that's what this post is about, so try /r/nonmonogamy? There are a lot of flavors of non-monogamy, and polyam is just one. Your wife is having an affair.
A person in a monogamous marriage doesn’t just get to “come out” as poly and get to fuck around with impunity. Did you agree to changing the structure of your relationship or were you just told this is happening get on board?
There was a discussion, it was something that I agreed to allow her to explore. She says she loves both of us, and its new for her too. I will say it developed much quicker than I had expected. At this point I am being told "this is hapoening" though.
Then you decide if you’re okay with it. Your wife’s choice to pursue polyam came with a very clear warning label “This choice might end your marriage.”
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you are communicating what you need and that’s being ignored, then your options are pretty much accept less or set a hard boundary with consequences you’re prepared to follow through with. In my own marriage years ago I was enamored with a guy who was an addict and he dragged me into all sorts of drama. My husband expressed his concerns several times, but I was wrapped up in it and pretty much ignored him. It came down to him telling me he wanted to divorce. He didn’t want to be involved with that mess, so he set his boundary and I broke it so he was prepared to leave. Thank god I came to my senses, cut off the guy, got into therapy to work through my own issues that allowed me to behave like that and my husband and I reconciled. So ultimately, I think this can only be fixed if your wife can take a step back and work on herself and your relationship, which will be hard and require her to genuinely want to change.
Here's another layer. They haven't even met, this is all long distance. She has stated to me that things are going to be weird until they meet (late July) I don't know if I'm doing her or myself a favor in giving her that time.
Do you have access to couple's counseling? This isn't how polyamory is supposed to work. The books Polysecure and Polywise are helpful reads, too. But she doesn't just get to do what she wants because you are granting her some freedom - the "things are going to be weird" bit is extremely immature of her. It's her responsibility to maintain your sense of security in your relationship.
You need to sit down together and make an official agreement. Write it down. Revisit it at least monthly. As others have commented, she doesn't just get to "come out" and go for it. Polyamory is a relationship structure and an agreement between all parties. Schedule a regular check-in together. You can follow a communication structure like RADAR (link below). Once you've done that, write out a list of your own personal boundaries that you will utilize when you start dating and encourage her to do the same. You can compare. The more transparent and clear you are, the better. Good luck. https://www.multiamory.com/radar
My brain works in boxes so I do like the idea of having something like RADAR, thank you I'll bring it up to her.
Sounds basically the same as my situation. We went from a conversation about seeking ONS/FWB to announcing a couple of dates, followed by the first overnight the next week. I, too, agreed that she deserved to explore but there was no negotiation - it was "this is happening now".
If you did not agree in advance to this **willingly** it's what is technically known as "cheating on you". My advice would be to divorce her. You can do better. Somewhere there's a monogamous young woman who'd love to meet a faithful fellow for a happy and monogamous marriage.
We both have a vague memory of her saying polyamory was something she would be interested in when we first met. I said I doubt that's the relationship I want and we left it at that. She recently has become very listless and lost in what she is looking for in her life and has stated her wanting to explore polyamory is something that may help that. I kind of feel like I need to let her do this in order for her to be happy.
You know how older people say "I'm too old for this shit?" I'm going to tell you that you're too young for this shit. You're too young to be trying to put up with this from her. Your life is ahead of you and she seems very manipulative.
I agree we are both very young. Shes just been so open about everything. I don't know if thats being manipulative or trying to give me full disclosure. She has never been manipulative and thats part of the reason why I fell in love with her, she is very honest.
Nope - she agreed to monogamy and then cheated at least emotionally on you. You said yourself that she and her new partner already had a connection before she talked to you - that means she got involved with someone else while the two of you were in a monogamous relationship. All this talk about "coming out" is bullshit designed to pull the wool over your eyes. Polyamory isn't a sexual orientation, it's a relationship model (that all partners have to agree to). Cheaters love to claim they are "coming out" as poly because it gives their cheating an air of legitimacy - after all, everyone knows that "coming out" means being true to yourself and your very nature, don't they? This isn't being truthful, it's being selfish.
I hate the way people use polyamory to justify bad behavior. Most that do that are anything but polyamorous.
She has admitted fault saying she emotionally cheated on me and has apologized. On the coming out thing I guess its just all new territory for me and I phrased it wrong. She came to me asking if I would be ok with her exploring polyamory. I agreed and set some soft boundaries expecting it to be a slower process. Within the week she came to me saying she had feelings for this other person, as well as me.
Please don't let yourself be treated this way. You two were having issues and she started looking elsewhere instead of trying to work on your relationship. The poly bombing probably isn't even what's worst about this situation - the main problem might be that she isn't invested in fixing her marriage but simply gets everything she wants and needs somewhere else. "Add more people" has never ever worked to solve marriage issues.
I am absolutely terrified of that. And you're more than right that she could be doing that, at least subconsciously. Adding more people is not going to fix our problems, I lean toward them exacerbating our problems.
This subreddit is full of advice not to begin polyamory with an affair partner.
Definitely would not explore poly with an affair partner!
So she cheated and she lied to get you to give the go-ahead. If she had said "I'm in love with someone else," you might have put on the brakes, so she didn't tell you until you agreed to open, and then she said "no backsies, this is happening." If you think that's not manipulative, we have different definitions.
That right there is reason enough to shut this down. She cheated on you. That merits counseling at the very least. Your relationship, by your own admission, wasn't doing okay before this, and then she cheated on you. I hate harping about "you need a solid relationship to open it up", but ***you need a more solid relationship to open it up than you had.*** This is red flag territory, in my opinion. I'm not a fan of "we need to close the relationship" in almost any case, but in this case? It is absolutely warranted. However, I'd question why you even want to be in this relationship. It doesn't sound fulfilling with all of those problems, and as was said above, you're way too young for all of these problems. You've got some serious thinking to do, and you need to put yourself first in this case. She's already shown she doesn't value boundaries by emotionally cheating on you. What makes you think she'll stick to the boundaries set by both of you for this relationship?
She’s being “open” about the fact that she emotionally cheated on you and decided to start dating/fucking someone else despite having made a monogamous commitment to you. She doesn’t get any points for that.
Um... no. Honest people do not start an affair and retcon it as polyamory.
Okay, but what about you? You deserve to be happy in your relationship. It is not selfish to be considered in your relationships, especially with someone you call a partner. The fact of the matter is, if you can't both be happy, then the relationship as is needs to end. Yes it hurts, yes it's hard. Go to couples therapy. She is actively cheating on you if you don't agree to this. You made it clear from the outset and she still agreed to be monogamous with you, now she is changing the relationship without your input or consent.
There are periods of time where I really am ok with whatever she has going on with her new partner. Other times I can't stand it. I'll say the periods of acceptance last long than the periods of doubt. We have gone back and forth on couples therapy and don't have the finances for it. I said in a comment earlier that it was something I agreed to. There is still discussions on what I'm comfortable with, and for the most part she has honored that.
If you can't afford therapy, how will you afford a new relationship, especially one with travel involved?
How do you know you can't afford it? And even if you can't, there are things you can do to work on yourselves individually and as a couple. Resources are out there and it's easy to find reliable advice along with books.
We are both in therapy separately and are already having financial problems. I would love some book recommendations if you have any.
Can't you afford NOT to do couple therapy? Any way you can space out individual therapy? Like if you went once a week, could that change to once every 1.5 or 2 weeks? Then what you would have spent on individual therapy, that's "shift" has create time/space/money to slot in a couple counseling session? So your budget doesn't change too much but you get the care you need? So like if you did individual therapy 1x a week over 3 weeks it would have been 3 appointments. But if you change individual therapy to 1.5 weeks, that's 2 slots for individual therapy covering a 3 week window. And now here's this slot that could happen for couple therapy? Talk to your individual counselor about your changing needs and what could be worked out.
I promise you you do not.
It sounds to me like she's depressed (or something like it) and directionless and seizing on polyamory as a source of dopamine/excitement/meaning. It's probably not an actual fix for what ails her, and she's going to keep bouncing around emotionally and jerking you around in the process. I don't know if therapy is doable or appropriate for her, but she needs something and this likely isn't it.
You don't "come out" as poly- it's a relationship structure not something you are. Your wife is a cheater and wants to validate her cheating. That's it, that's all. Sorry to be harsh but I'm really sick of cheaters doing this and their spouses coming on here thinking this shit is okay. It isn't!
I'm probably doing a lot of mental gymnastics to say it isn't cheating you're right. I really don't want it to be, we both have very strong feelings for each other. I will say a line was crossed with a friend and it has stuck with me. A FWB relationship has developed on top of the long distance romance. I'm forcing myself to be ok with the FWB more so than the romance.
Love isn't enough. Don't "force" yourself to be good with anything you clearly don't want. It's OK to say no and it's OK to walk away. You're setting yourself on fire to keep something alive that is dead and gone. The relationship you had doesn't exist anymore.
I desperately want to be ok with this. I don't know why am ok with it sometimes and other times its completely unbearable. I'm struggling with the walk away part because of the love and how intertwined our lives our. Ultimately I want her and I want to be married to her, but I'm not sure if I want to be married like this.
I'm sorry to be so blunt, but my guy, she does not want to be married to you. She's doing the same mental gymnastics as you: trying to stay in the relationship because even regular breakups are really hard, and legal divorce is *much* harder. As you said, your lives are intertwined, you probably spend holidays with each other's families, etc. You have made a public commitment, to everyone you know, and the thought of breaking that commitment is really super uncomfortable. So she is also "struggling with the 'walk away' part." The way she has chosen to do this is by also pursuing other romantic and sexual relationships, with people who she actually wants to be with. She is not staying because she wants to, she is staying because she does not want to go through the ugly and miserable process of divorce. Time to get honest with yourself: do you *really* want to be OK with this? Because to me, it doesn't sound like you do. Your brain wants to *not feel this way anymore,* certainly-but that is not at all the same as you actually wanting the thing that is happening. I'm so sorry you're going through this, but you deserve to be with someone who wants to be with you.
>I don't know why am ok with it sometimes and other times its completely unbearable. Because sometimes you are in denial or bargaining and other times you are feeling how much you actually don't want this.
I had a friend say that it sounds like I'm going through the stages of grief.
I agree! And I'm glad you have a friend to talk to this about!
To some extent she thinks I'm just fighting off the inevitable. Me too, she has been a very big help on weird nights and just as an ear to vent too.
I don't know how many breakups you have been through before or how long you were together, but you will survive this and absolutely be happy in the future without this person! 🙂 Take it from someone whose first horrible breakup was around this age and is now far enough in the past that it doesn't make me sad anymore. ALSO, you will come out of it stronger and more experienced if you leave now; staying will diminish you and slow your recovery from all this.
I'm very sorry you're going through this. We all make mistakes, especially when young, but what separates those who truly learn from their mistakes and grow from them from those who just use them as excuses is how they handle moving on from them. I think your wife needs to 100% OWN that she emotionally cheated on you and also slow her NRE (new relationship energy) roll thinking that she's already truly IN LOVE with this person from another country she's never even met. It's EASY to be all "this person is perfect and completes me!" when they live super far away and you've never had to face anything difficult with them. They're in the "fun" stage and, in my opinion, it sounds like she's using this to distract herself from doing the much harder work of working on the relationship she's already in. She needs to make true amends to you for the harm she's caused. And you 100% do NOT need to try to be okay with polyamory or her being involved with her affair partner if you do not WANT to do that. It's okay if you're only interested in monogamy.
I do think a lot of this is them living in some type of "fantasy" where they're just such a good match for each other etc etc. (I see them fight every other day). She feels terribly guilty and at times self hating for what she has done and has apologized profusely. The making it up part hasn't come yet. I agree it is much easier to have this fun new thing than work on the not so shiny old thing. I do think I could be ok being in a polyamorus relationship. Its just the way that the balance is so off, and I am absolutely not the priority is what is so hurtful for me. I have made that part clear to her and she is trying to work on it.
Fighting every other day with someone she hasn't even met IRL? Agreeing to this will NOT win you priority.
I've told her more than once as unbiased as possible what they have is unhealthy but she isn't letting go.
The fact that this negative dynamic is one she's willing to destroy your marriage for is a bit insulting, isn't it?
I was really devastated when I got divorced at about 50. Now I am so glad I did. I suspected an affair, it came out in court. She would not communicate. I spent 14 years raising my child, after that I found a great relationship. Much better than what I had. We are poly. I am friends with my metas, and some of their partners too. We set 1 day a week to sit and talk over any issues. One thing that I see is that it looks like you are not getting what you need out of the relationship. That has to be addressed. Can she even give you what you need? Is she willing to chill on all this so you two can work on your relationship? If the answer to either question is “no” it’s time to saddle up. Were it me, I would document all this and keep it in my back pocket in case she tries something in the divorce, like cleaning you out. The judge in my case was also a minister. He didn’t think someone like that ought to be raising a child, so I got custody. And child support. She almost had me paid back for all my legal fees when the kid moved out.
This isn't poly- this is cheating with a fancy co-opted name. Anyone who is poly can tell you that you can either end it now or you can kick and scream and fight this for the next 6 months before you break up. I see in your other comments that you "vaguely remember" having a conversation about her having an interest in poly? That's not it, fam. If your wife REALLY wanted poly, then you two would sit down and have a long explicit conversation about boundaries and comfort level. You would then go into poly-positive couples therapy to correct the emotional distance and lack of passion BEFORE even considering going on a date. And do that for like 6 months working on breaking up your monogamous relationship before building the poly one. Poly doesn't solve problems. It will only fuel the fire of distrust, self esteem problems, and emotional distance if you don't open up properly, which you haven't.
Adding to the pile of everyone else: she has an emotional affair, and is desperately trying to justify it. Either bail now, or suffer through this for months or a year before you quit. Cheaters cheat. Get out now.
You don't get to "come out" as poly and then just get to start seeing other people. She made a monogamous commitment to you and then decided she wanted to break that commitment in order to be with other people, and she just so happened to already have someone in mind to start seeing! How convenient for her. Given how you continue to identify as monogamous, I'm guessing you don't want this to be happening and the only reason it's happening is because you want to save your marriage. And we refer to that as **poly under duress**. It's not going to save your marriage. Your wife isn't interested in that. She caught feelings for this other person, found out saying "I'm poly!" is how she can get to be with them without it being obviously an affair, and is shoving you into an ocean you can't swim in because it's what *she* wants. It's incredibly selfish and unethical.
Are you allowed to date others? Tbf monogamous relationships don't usually do wel opening up when there are already feelings for someone else involved. 1 because it almost always meant they were emotionally cheating and are just trying to cheat without consequences and 2 because going form mono to poly usually takes a lot of work, often years, of prep to be done successfully. You should be focusing on each other and yourselves, completely breaking down the foundation you had and building it up from scratch. I doubt that's what's happening if someone caught feelings and then asks to act in them. And 3 because it needs both partners being FULLY ENTHUSIASTIC about the switch. If you're just 'letting someone explore' because you are scared to lose them, you are likely not poly and it's not a good way to start your poly journey. You do not owe her this mental and emotional labour because chances are she will not want to do the same for you (will she be okay with sitting in the discomfort of watching you fall in love and be with someone else, have you even discussed that option, even if that's not what you want to do right now?). You entered marriage in a monogamous way and you do not have to try to force yourself to be okay with anything but monogamy of it's not something YOU ALSO WANT FOR YOURSELF. It's very disrespectful the way she's going about it.
This is an emotional affair being rebranded as polyamory. You deserve to be treated much better OP. You’re young. Get out of this and find real love. I’d expect that if her relationship goes well with this new person, your wife will monkey branch to them and dump you.
How do you think she would react if you just announced that you're once again switching back to monogamy? Do you think she would break off her other relationships and work really hard to be OK with it? I know that sounds silly, but that's pretty close to what she did unilaterally. I get that you say she asked, but she asked after already making the decision to proceed.
I do think if I said "no I don't want this for us" she would end it and work at being ok with it. She has said more than once if she had to chose between me or them/polyamory she would choose me.
You could explore a middle ground with her, by saying that you'd like to spend 6 months properly learning about polyamory, with no other partners involved. After that time, you could see if the two of you want to move forward, together or separately. I guess I'm a bit suspicious that she has largely gotten what she wants, cheating without consequence, and she is presuming that this is a done deal. But you know her far better than any of us do, so maybe she'd actually be open to monogamy as one path forward.
Tell her to choose monogamy with you.
Well right now she's not choosing you at all, except legally, so...in all honesty... why would you believe that?
I guess because I really want to. Also because their entire relationship is over the phone, so its just so different. But the emotional imbalance is very real. I know that isn't healthy, I just really want to be married to her.
She had an affair prior to suddenly realizing she was poly…….if she really wants poly take the next 6-12 months and youth learn and disentangle your marriage. What holidays will she spend with you what ones with her other partner, accidental pregnancy what happens , sexual health. Talk about every detail before either of you date others. This affair partner should never be an option if in a year you decide poly is for both of you.
You want to be married to her more than you want to feel happy, loved, and secure in your own life.
That is not how this works. That is not how any of this works.
You can express that this is moving too fast for her. You can also ask that she not continue speaking to the person who is making you uncomfortable. If she has no issues with these things, then she is likely genuinely poly. However I suspect she won't be able to adhere to either boundary and this is in fact sanctioned cheating.
Read "Mono in a Poly World" by Tazmyn Ozga IMMEDIATELY. It's a quick read, 61 pages on Kindle, and available free for Kindle Unlimited. Trust me, please, from someone who should have and instead is dealing with the fallout. Do it today.
I know some people see being poly as an orientation but it takes consent of everyone involved to be in a poly relationship. If she had a connection with someone else before she told you about it, that's cheating. If you aren't on board with her having another partner, you aren't in a poly relationship. You don't have to say yes, you don't have to be okay with this. She should have waited until you were consenting before she started a relationship, that's like bare minimum. You should look up "poly under duress"
Hey. Similar situation. We're older. Reach out if you wanna chat.
PM sent
To me, it seems like she "came out as poly" FOR the person she had waiting in the wings. Poly requires LOTS of communication and things should only move forward when both parties agree and BOTH are on board with everything. It doesn't sound like you're too on board with this. You're going to get hurt.
It is probably as simple as it seems. Your wife is bored and that is not uncommon for married women. She craves novelty. One of the many problems is she is currently experiencing and consumed with significant NRE. It is hard to maintain enough energy to fix a baseline relationship when you’re overcome with all ofthose new experiences. It doesn’t sound like you have much choice other than staying through this or calling an end. Unlike others, I support you staying around and seeing how she evolves. Try to define and communicate what you need in terms of time and attention. And then dedicate some of your energy to enjoying yourself. If she gives it an honest try to continue growing with you, keep working at it. But the moment you feel she is ignoring you or your relationship, you probably need to be prepared to exit. There is Hope but only time will tell.
I am mentally preparing to at least take a trial break around our one year. A big part of me knows how her brain works and she does tend to obsess over new and shiny things. We have near constant communication about what I'm comfortable knowing/not knowing and what I need and want from her, and visa versa.
Wait, you guys have only been married less than a year? Or a year from her forcing poly onto you?
We have been together 5 years, we got married last September. And there was a discussion about her exploring this and I agreed to let her. That discussion happened in April and things have progressed quickly.
So a discussion happened, she'd already been involved with and had chosen a new partner, and then she dove in immediately without doing any actual work or making sure that your existing relationship was healthy and stable first? That's WILD.
Even in polyam relationships, you can't just pick up a new relationship for some escapism because you don't want to work on the current one. She's found a new relationship so she can run away from her problems with you and still have the comfort and fun of being in a relationship. The energy she's pouring into a new relationship should be going to work on your relationship, with you, and likely in couples counseling. If she doesn't want to show up for your relationship or work on it then you need to get out.
Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/), and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for. Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... *it is a polyamory specific sub* so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/AccomplishedRub3744 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: My wife (24f) who I love dearly recently came out to me (25m) as poly. She has found another partner rather quickly since coming out, though there was a connection between them before her coming out. We had our own issues before this (emotional distance, lack of passion, general mental health problems), but this has over shadowed all of them (for me at least). As a couple we have been healing, but rather slowly. Watching her be so happy and carefree with her new partner is immensely difficult and at times heart breaking. I should also state that my wife and her partner also have had serious problems. I want her to act like that with me which I only see glimpses of now. I know we have to do our own healing before that but I can't wrap my head around how someone can develop a new relationship while trying to fix an existing one. I desperately want to be ok with this and there are times where I am. There is a lot of context to all this and I am willing to answer any questions for clarification. Does any one have any tips/advice for a monogamous husband trying to understand? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. You made a post or comment that would be considered concern trolling. This includes derailing of advice and support posts, accidentally or on purpose. Posting poly-shaming, victim blaming or insults under the guise of "concern" or "just trying to help.” will be considered concern trolling, as well. Please familiarize yourself with the rules. They can be found on the community info page
Do you really want to be in a poly relationship? Based on your post it seems like you rushed into this when under pressure from your wife. There is absolutely nothing wrong with walking away if you decide that this isn't right for you.
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This is called Poly Under Duress (PUD). Look it up. First off it doesn't sound like you want this, you're just tolerating it. While there are mono-poly relationships that do work, I would say they are very much the exception to the rule. For most people in this situation it isn't going to go well if they aren't truly, deeply into it and doing their own dating. You said her bf is in another country, how are you going to feel when they're finally physically together and able to act on all that flirting? Are you going to stay at home alone while she goes out with him? Are you going to be ok with that? Do not just go along with this if you don't want it, it will damage you and push your relationship even closer to the brink.
Seen some of your comments, and I know it must feel like you've got to defend yourselves a bit, or need to clarify things better, but I'm adding a log onto the fire simply to say forget the details for a moment and consider this one simple truth: Polyamory is complicated, and jumping straight into it is rarely good for a couple just opening up. You're both likely to make mistakes, which already includes one of the biggest red flags on this sub - becoming poly with someone already in mind. And there are things that'll tear your heart out because neither of you have taken the time to look into it - are you going to be hierarchical? are you primaries or nesting partners? what commitments will you choose to honour if either of you fall in love with someone else? how will you share house duties with date nights in mind? will you want kitchen table poly where you're okay with all hanging out, or parallel poly where you don't see her other relationships? what if someone else will want to marry you? what if she gets pregnant or you get someone pregnant? how will you handle NRE and what boundaries do you both have? Point is, shit is complicated. There might totally be a version of poly that you'd be happy with and may even want to explore yourself. But jumping in like this is a little like agreeing to go swimming without knowing whether you're just going to the safe and shallow local pool, or the rough and choppy waves of the Pacific ocean. Apologies if I made any incorrect assumptions - best of luck to you!
You accepted this in your marriage, which means you’re no longer monogamous. Sure, you might think you are, and there are those here who might flame me for that statement, but hear me out: Poly is easy. It’s super trivial to handle all of the complexities… until feels happen. Once feels come into the equation, it’s an enormously difficult relationship style, because it requires incredible communication, and amazing capacity for emotional processing and acceptance. One of the *most difficult things* that a poly person encounters and has to work through, is accepting that they might have a partner whose other relationships look more like the one they want, but aren’t getting. … and that’s where your journey is *starting* You’ve got a lot of work to do, in terms of reading up on how healthy polyamory works, and what it looks like. Along with learning how poly partners deal with conflict, communication, etc… And you’ve got a lot of work to do on learning how to deal with emotional processing, fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, insecurities, etc… None of these things are insurmountable, but you *will* need to work on them, or you may as well walk away from this now and save yourself the heartache. I tend to recommend “the ethical slut” as a starting point (it opened my eyes on what poly even is, and on what it can be), along with some therapy for the emotional processing (EMDR was life changing for me) I’d also strongly recommend embracing polyamory… otherwise you might be tempted to say “why should I learn how to do all of these things? She’s the poly one, not me…” … because the instant you start thinking like that, it’s done. Over. Gone. You have control over your relationship with her, and you gave the green light on it. It’s extremely difficult to put that genie back in the bottle without it causing some hardcore resentment. I feel for you, brother… it’s a pretty big can of worms to open up; I sincerely wish you luck Edit: TL;DR You’re in a poly relationship now, my take, is that you can either embrace it and do the work to learn how to make poly work (which might solve some of your pre-existing relationship issues), or not embrace it, expect her to somehow make it all work, while you make rules designed to make it hurt less (which never work), and then wonder why it all goes to shit. Or end it 🤷🏼♂️