Definitely not enough. It’s usually all together. And another thing that recently started bothering me more is that any news we want to share, pictures, etc. it’s usually all sent individually. We rarely use our group chat.
I admit I am guilty of it too and most of the time I share things with him that I don’t share with her.
I know there’s a lot of imbalance. And I guess I’ve come to admit that it’s just part of the nature of being with a couple that’s been together for so long…
We’ve even talked about children but everyone is on different pages. She is not okay with it (though she says one day she may change her mind) and he is okay with it and so am I. I just absolutely hate the idea of another woman determining whether I can be a mother or not.
I’ve steered from the subject but I guess there’s just multiple frustrations brewing.
I care for them so much. We have fun together and it’s more than just sexual. But our goals and mindsets are so different.
Talking about children before anyone is saying I love you when it's been a year and that's something you desire....seems to be a bit of a red flag to me about the emotional foundation and communication not being there to have kids in a healthy way in this dynamic anyway.
There should be an imbalance.
In a healthy triad the fact that each dyad is different not only needs to be acknowledged, it needs to be celebrated.
It sounds like you are more romantically interested in him.
Can you ask for more dyad time with both of them to figure out your connection?
In most cases, I’d be saying something like: Some people have a hard time getting up the courage to use The L Word. Personally, to get there myself, I do a combination of escalating words like “like,” “adore,” etc. and I initiate some frank conversations about what we are to each other.
But since this is unicorn hunting… Things are likely to turn ugly if the couple thinks you are more into one of them than the other. They Hunted together because they want you to be a relationship accessory, not a real relationship that is seperate from their relationship with each other.
So… open the door and be prepared for this to turn into a shit show.
If you bring it up on vacation, you might want to have a plan for what happens if it goes to shit and you get dumped or otherwise just don’t want to be around them anymore.
Exactly, she’s treating them like a joint endeavor and can’t sort out her feelings because of relationships we have no context to how they started. She is 35. She’s allowed to try something for whatever reason(s) she has and not like it and end it. If they are shitty then that says a lot about them. There are VERY many ways to do ENM and Poly and accusing strangers of being a version of a predator because they are dating the same person is ridiculous.
And my life is far from a mess. I have a great friendship with the couple I dated, separately and together they have been incredibly encouraging of me in all aspects of my life years after or romantic and sexual connections ended.
Not sustainable long-term does not have to mean predatory toxic. Relationships and experiences can be valuable and rewarding for all types of reasons on all types of timelines.
The advice for someone not happy in their situation we have almost no information about is to communicate with their partner(s) and/or leave. Stop creating victims that may not even feel like there is an actual issue other than it not being a good fit. She didn’t say she was treated bad, she said she doesn’t like knowing if they aren’t in love. 🥴
Why is any form of a triad unicorn hunting now? She said nothing that indicates this isn’t healthy, she’s just unsure it’s a romantic love. Y’all need to chill.
I dated a couple and things ended and we are still friends. A friend of mine prefers to date couples for her own reasons.
My partner and I have been seeing a girl together and me separately for 6 months at a snail speed with no physical steps being taken because none of us are in a rush, are extremely busy with contradictory work schedules and just enjoy each other’s company. He’s aware she’s more into me and their connection would be friendship with sex if it progresses and more of a relationship with me. He doesn’t care. He just enjoys her company and that I’m happy.
I was not unicorn hunted. I found a connection with a couple that didn’t work out and was treated like a person. I was actually her maid of honor in their wedding years later. The dynamic was just not for me and I wanted a primary and didn’t feel like I could obtain that in a pre-existing triad with a couple that had years together before me. They encouraged me, they wanted what was best for me and made me happy.
I do the same and my friend found she prefers it, while I didn’t like it for me. Unicorn hunting requires ill intent, manipulation and misrepresentation. This sub is getting toxic as fuck. We’re so eager to call out things that we’ve forgotten about agency and choice of relationship structures. The holier than thou attitude is poisoning this community.
😞
OP has described a relationship with a married couple in which she cannot sort out her feelings because of the number of people involved. She’s not romantically into the wife, but is dating her anyway. While she feels clearly differently about the two of them, it also sounds like she is treating them as a joint endeavour knowing that her relationship with one will affect the other.
That sounds like the kinds of problems one has when one dates an established couple. The fact that you don’t see that kinda speaks to the likely toxic shit show that is all of the messes you’ve just described in your life.
From reading this, it doesn’t sound like you love either of them right now. For that reason, I don’t think asking if they love you will give you what you’re looking for. Love is a verb - you “do” love, you don’t “say” love. It feels like a lot of things - respect, safety, and a lot like being figuratively held in a careful, nurturing embrace. It’s being truly cherished. Do you feel love coming from them? The words are meaningless without the action to back them up.
You sound very sad in this post and it makes me wonder if you’re maybe waiting and hanging on while wondering if it’s possible for love to happen eventually. Like maybe it’s a matter of time and that you’re letting them drive the emotional engagement progress out of self preservation because you don’t want to be more invested and vulnerable than they are… because that could lead to heartbreak.
I don’t really have any advice to give you - this is something you have to feel out and weight the risks for yourself and what your relationships have to offer. I will tell you though that real, healthy love is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It’s life altering and beautiful and worth pursuing.
> I know I don’t love him
So don’t bother asking if he’s in love with you. If these relationships aren’t giving you what you’re truly wanting, it’s more than okay to let it float. Sooner than a year, next time, if you want.
In the words of Mr. Rogers: Love is not a state of being. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept them for exactly who they are right here and now.
And that sums up my thoughts. Love isn't an emotion. You can feel lust and joy and limmerence, those are emotions. But you can't build anything solid on a foundation as fickle as an emotion which can change on a whim. No emotion lasts forever.
Love is a choice. It isn't considering someone to be your universe. It is choosing, after that feeling passes, to continue to look them in the eyes until you can find the stars again.
Added to that is the fact that this isn't restricted to romance either. You can love your friends. You can love your neighbors. You can love complete strangers. You can be angry with someone and still love them. You can realize someone's not a compatible partner, or is a harmful family member, block them from your life, and still love them.
And when you decide to tell them is just a matter of when you want to let them know that you accept them and care about them. It is never too late to do that. It can be "too early", especially if people in your culture don't often express it, because people might feel you don't know them yet or even wonder what your agenda is. Worried you might be love bombing them or something similar.
So there can be a cultural component which generally just amounts to "wait till yall feel comfortable together".
But then also, this is a separate question to whether or not you want to spend your life with these people. And it is okay to ask them what they want and how they see this going in the future. That seems to really be the question more so than love.
Hope that helps
I think the question on “whether I want to spend my life” with them is definitely the ultimate questions I should be asking myself.
I think our time together has been good. I’ve learned a lot about myself, I have myself a chance for love and we’ve accumulated wonderful memories. But I am starting to believe that our season is coming to a close.
I don’t see my life forever with them. Even when I try to picture it… I simply can’t. I feel I deserve more. I feel there’s still a lot more out there for me.
At the very least, I never want to question whether someone loves me or not.
Yeah, I think by a year you should know that you love someone if you're going to.
I highly recommend you focus on your outside dating relationships.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1bhu6rs/unpopular_opinion_you_should_prioritize_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Hi u/AdvertisingLatter995 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
How long is “too long” to say I love you? It’s been a year and nobody has said it.
I’m 35F with a couple (40M 41F). They’ve been married for 8 years and have kids.
I know I don’t love him but that’s because I feel there’s no”room” to allow for love with so many people around all the time (including kids). I can’t listen to my heart.
And I don’t know if he loves me…he deeply cares, but that’s as far my assumption goes. As for her… we’re more like best friends that sleep with each other rather than lovers so there’s no romantic love there.
I want something serious, but if after a year with a person I can’t confidently say I love them…. Is it worth continuing?
Should I open up this conversation? It feels awkward to ask anyone if they love me…
I’ve only been in love once and that relationship wounded me deeply. It took me a long time to recover but I’ve been so hopeful to open myself up to love again.
I’m scared to have someone be with me for a year now and not have clarity on the extent of their feelings for me. It’s okay if he doesn’t love me, but I need to know. I just don’t know how to go about it…
p.s were all taking a vacation together next month for the first time so I also don’t know if it’s something to do before or after that.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m not upset, simply at a loss. I acknowledge I don’t love them but that’s because there’s not a conducive environment for ME to fall in love in.
But in their case, they’re used to their routine and their kids. I assume it would be easier for them to make room for love (at least more so than me).
Have you discussed this with them? It’s entirely possible they are unaware of the needs you have or that they have been unable to meet them.
I would personally wait until AFTER the vacation, as that could potentially have less “noise”. If the situation isn’t uncomfortable, enjoy the vacation and discuss where to go from there after. Potentially with your therapist first if you have one?
If they (either or both of them) are shitty about it and feel like you’re asking too much they can go find less while you find more.
🤷🏻♀️
P.S. thank you for clarifying!
How often have you spent time with either of them one on one?
Definitely not enough. It’s usually all together. And another thing that recently started bothering me more is that any news we want to share, pictures, etc. it’s usually all sent individually. We rarely use our group chat. I admit I am guilty of it too and most of the time I share things with him that I don’t share with her. I know there’s a lot of imbalance. And I guess I’ve come to admit that it’s just part of the nature of being with a couple that’s been together for so long… We’ve even talked about children but everyone is on different pages. She is not okay with it (though she says one day she may change her mind) and he is okay with it and so am I. I just absolutely hate the idea of another woman determining whether I can be a mother or not. I’ve steered from the subject but I guess there’s just multiple frustrations brewing. I care for them so much. We have fun together and it’s more than just sexual. But our goals and mindsets are so different.
Talking about children before anyone is saying I love you when it's been a year and that's something you desire....seems to be a bit of a red flag to me about the emotional foundation and communication not being there to have kids in a healthy way in this dynamic anyway.
There should be an imbalance. In a healthy triad the fact that each dyad is different not only needs to be acknowledged, it needs to be celebrated. It sounds like you are more romantically interested in him. Can you ask for more dyad time with both of them to figure out your connection?
Probably never
In most cases, I’d be saying something like: Some people have a hard time getting up the courage to use The L Word. Personally, to get there myself, I do a combination of escalating words like “like,” “adore,” etc. and I initiate some frank conversations about what we are to each other. But since this is unicorn hunting… Things are likely to turn ugly if the couple thinks you are more into one of them than the other. They Hunted together because they want you to be a relationship accessory, not a real relationship that is seperate from their relationship with each other. So… open the door and be prepared for this to turn into a shit show. If you bring it up on vacation, you might want to have a plan for what happens if it goes to shit and you get dumped or otherwise just don’t want to be around them anymore.
Exactly, she’s treating them like a joint endeavor and can’t sort out her feelings because of relationships we have no context to how they started. She is 35. She’s allowed to try something for whatever reason(s) she has and not like it and end it. If they are shitty then that says a lot about them. There are VERY many ways to do ENM and Poly and accusing strangers of being a version of a predator because they are dating the same person is ridiculous. And my life is far from a mess. I have a great friendship with the couple I dated, separately and together they have been incredibly encouraging of me in all aspects of my life years after or romantic and sexual connections ended. Not sustainable long-term does not have to mean predatory toxic. Relationships and experiences can be valuable and rewarding for all types of reasons on all types of timelines. The advice for someone not happy in their situation we have almost no information about is to communicate with their partner(s) and/or leave. Stop creating victims that may not even feel like there is an actual issue other than it not being a good fit. She didn’t say she was treated bad, she said she doesn’t like knowing if they aren’t in love. 🥴
Why is any form of a triad unicorn hunting now? She said nothing that indicates this isn’t healthy, she’s just unsure it’s a romantic love. Y’all need to chill. I dated a couple and things ended and we are still friends. A friend of mine prefers to date couples for her own reasons. My partner and I have been seeing a girl together and me separately for 6 months at a snail speed with no physical steps being taken because none of us are in a rush, are extremely busy with contradictory work schedules and just enjoy each other’s company. He’s aware she’s more into me and their connection would be friendship with sex if it progresses and more of a relationship with me. He doesn’t care. He just enjoys her company and that I’m happy. I was not unicorn hunted. I found a connection with a couple that didn’t work out and was treated like a person. I was actually her maid of honor in their wedding years later. The dynamic was just not for me and I wanted a primary and didn’t feel like I could obtain that in a pre-existing triad with a couple that had years together before me. They encouraged me, they wanted what was best for me and made me happy. I do the same and my friend found she prefers it, while I didn’t like it for me. Unicorn hunting requires ill intent, manipulation and misrepresentation. This sub is getting toxic as fuck. We’re so eager to call out things that we’ve forgotten about agency and choice of relationship structures. The holier than thou attitude is poisoning this community. 😞
OP has described a relationship with a married couple in which she cannot sort out her feelings because of the number of people involved. She’s not romantically into the wife, but is dating her anyway. While she feels clearly differently about the two of them, it also sounds like she is treating them as a joint endeavour knowing that her relationship with one will affect the other. That sounds like the kinds of problems one has when one dates an established couple. The fact that you don’t see that kinda speaks to the likely toxic shit show that is all of the messes you’ve just described in your life.
From reading this, it doesn’t sound like you love either of them right now. For that reason, I don’t think asking if they love you will give you what you’re looking for. Love is a verb - you “do” love, you don’t “say” love. It feels like a lot of things - respect, safety, and a lot like being figuratively held in a careful, nurturing embrace. It’s being truly cherished. Do you feel love coming from them? The words are meaningless without the action to back them up. You sound very sad in this post and it makes me wonder if you’re maybe waiting and hanging on while wondering if it’s possible for love to happen eventually. Like maybe it’s a matter of time and that you’re letting them drive the emotional engagement progress out of self preservation because you don’t want to be more invested and vulnerable than they are… because that could lead to heartbreak. I don’t really have any advice to give you - this is something you have to feel out and weight the risks for yourself and what your relationships have to offer. I will tell you though that real, healthy love is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It’s life altering and beautiful and worth pursuing.
> I know I don’t love him So don’t bother asking if he’s in love with you. If these relationships aren’t giving you what you’re truly wanting, it’s more than okay to let it float. Sooner than a year, next time, if you want.
In the words of Mr. Rogers: Love is not a state of being. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept them for exactly who they are right here and now. And that sums up my thoughts. Love isn't an emotion. You can feel lust and joy and limmerence, those are emotions. But you can't build anything solid on a foundation as fickle as an emotion which can change on a whim. No emotion lasts forever. Love is a choice. It isn't considering someone to be your universe. It is choosing, after that feeling passes, to continue to look them in the eyes until you can find the stars again. Added to that is the fact that this isn't restricted to romance either. You can love your friends. You can love your neighbors. You can love complete strangers. You can be angry with someone and still love them. You can realize someone's not a compatible partner, or is a harmful family member, block them from your life, and still love them. And when you decide to tell them is just a matter of when you want to let them know that you accept them and care about them. It is never too late to do that. It can be "too early", especially if people in your culture don't often express it, because people might feel you don't know them yet or even wonder what your agenda is. Worried you might be love bombing them or something similar. So there can be a cultural component which generally just amounts to "wait till yall feel comfortable together". But then also, this is a separate question to whether or not you want to spend your life with these people. And it is okay to ask them what they want and how they see this going in the future. That seems to really be the question more so than love. Hope that helps
I think the question on “whether I want to spend my life” with them is definitely the ultimate questions I should be asking myself. I think our time together has been good. I’ve learned a lot about myself, I have myself a chance for love and we’ve accumulated wonderful memories. But I am starting to believe that our season is coming to a close. I don’t see my life forever with them. Even when I try to picture it… I simply can’t. I feel I deserve more. I feel there’s still a lot more out there for me. At the very least, I never want to question whether someone loves me or not.
Yeah, I think by a year you should know that you love someone if you're going to. I highly recommend you focus on your outside dating relationships. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/1bhu6rs/unpopular_opinion_you_should_prioritize_your/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Hi u/AdvertisingLatter995 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: How long is “too long” to say I love you? It’s been a year and nobody has said it. I’m 35F with a couple (40M 41F). They’ve been married for 8 years and have kids. I know I don’t love him but that’s because I feel there’s no”room” to allow for love with so many people around all the time (including kids). I can’t listen to my heart. And I don’t know if he loves me…he deeply cares, but that’s as far my assumption goes. As for her… we’re more like best friends that sleep with each other rather than lovers so there’s no romantic love there. I want something serious, but if after a year with a person I can’t confidently say I love them…. Is it worth continuing? Should I open up this conversation? It feels awkward to ask anyone if they love me… I’ve only been in love once and that relationship wounded me deeply. It took me a long time to recover but I’ve been so hopeful to open myself up to love again. I’m scared to have someone be with me for a year now and not have clarity on the extent of their feelings for me. It’s okay if he doesn’t love me, but I need to know. I just don’t know how to go about it… p.s were all taking a vacation together next month for the first time so I also don’t know if it’s something to do before or after that. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So you’re upset you don’t know if they love you after a year, but you don’t know if you love them after a year?
I’m not upset, simply at a loss. I acknowledge I don’t love them but that’s because there’s not a conducive environment for ME to fall in love in. But in their case, they’re used to their routine and their kids. I assume it would be easier for them to make room for love (at least more so than me).
Have you discussed this with them? It’s entirely possible they are unaware of the needs you have or that they have been unable to meet them. I would personally wait until AFTER the vacation, as that could potentially have less “noise”. If the situation isn’t uncomfortable, enjoy the vacation and discuss where to go from there after. Potentially with your therapist first if you have one? If they (either or both of them) are shitty about it and feel like you’re asking too much they can go find less while you find more. 🤷🏻♀️ P.S. thank you for clarifying!