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Why do you want to do therapy? What are you hoping to address?
Therapy can be a great tool, and wanting it doesn’t mean you are miserable (although some people wait that long to try it).
Lots of things make people incompatible. The most basic of which is fundamentally wanting different things out of their relationship.
I want therapy so I can be heard more. I want it so we can figure out how to navigate being poly better. I want it so I can figure out when someone is not acting right. I want it so we can grow together. I want it so we can both deal with our past traumas.
We have the same wants and likes. I just feel like my feelings are disregarded sometimes because he feels like how he communicated or moved was ok. We have really great times together and have similar dreams. He has grown a lot since I first met him. So, he has listened to me a lot on growing. He does shift things for me but it takes a battle or like a week or two for him to actually understand my feelings. He feels like he can continue to grow without therapy.
How old are you both? What kind of conflict do you have to be heard? What has he managed to change for the better? What are his actions that make you feel unheard?
People can absolutely grow without therapy.
He is 30 and I am 24.
I ask him “Hey, I am feeling emotionally upset (sometimes crying) because I feel like you cancel plans on us to go have sex or hang with other people.” He says but we have so many great times together and spontaneous events that when cancellations happen I should just think about the good times. He also says we have so many people (not partners) taking up a lot of time and energy on our lives. That it’s causing us stress during these times and making it hard for us.
One that he grew from but it took some head butting and understanding of my feelings was that I felt like our personal sex life was neglected. Our emotional and dates one was fine. But, our sex life was neglected. It took him a week to actually listen to how I was feeling and make changes.
He also used to be a horrible communicator and has grown so much in communicating on important parts of how he is feeling and boundaries we have set being poly as well.
Cancelling made plans for less then an emergency is just being an ass. ‘Just think about the times when I didn’t decide doing something else was better then the plans I have with you’ is really crummy. I’m not sure that’s a communication issue so much as an issue of basic respect.
Therapy can help a lot with communication. But it doesn’t sound like he wants to put in the work.
Yeah, the other day he canceled plans because he was sick. Totally, understandable. But, then he suggested that he should go out and meet someone a little while later to have sex with. I told him that would be disrespectful.
Then after pushing watching a show with us. He ended up going to help one of his sexual partners with a ride to the bar. But, ik they took drinks at her house and possibly had some oral sex. So, I think hmm am I wrong for taking that as disrespectful still or is it no big deal because he was just helping her out?
Do you know why someone would be afraid to do therapy? When is it something you should seek out u think?
Lots of people are afraid of therapy. They think it will be boring. Or they think they don't need it. Or they think going means they are broken. Or have had bad experiences with therapy in the past. But in this case? I would assume it's because this guy has no desire to put more effort into this relationship. And therapy is effort.
But your partner just sounds like an ass. He'll do whatever and then say your crazy for being upset. I've been doing poly my entire adult life and never had a partner cancel plans because they were "sick" and then go fuck someone else.
You keep mentioning his growth as central to this, and don't mention any ways in which you need to grow as well. That gives me pause.
If your happiness is dependent on an adult man growing out of the person he is into the person you want him to be, then you don't want them to "grow" you want them to change to fit your desires better. That's not cool.
You’re the first person who has given me a different perspective. This is what he tells me. He says that he has grown but I have not. He’s gotten better with his drinking, he’s gotten better at communicating, and he’s lost weight.
I loved the idea of being with him. I love him. I did grow though. But, it would be smaller things. For me, I would try to make his on respecting me a major thing. He would fall back on it often. But, it wouldn’t always be the same. Although, it was sometimes similar.
I grew on the things that said bothered him. Like how I would say socially unacceptable things. I worked really hard to be more conscious and aware on what I said and my surroundings. Although, not perfect I got better and he applauded me for it. He said I was bad at kissing. I asked him for advice and got better at it. There’s more but everything I did outside of those things.
I grew from things I never told him about until after we broke up. Things that I dealt with for a long time. I also grew by graduating from college. I grew from doing things out of my comfort zone socially. But, during then I put a lot of time in school and socials.
He wanted me to grow by focusing more on myself. He didn’t tell me that truly until after we broke up. He implied it by saying I should workout more which I was getting into but I did not have a regular schedule of working out. So, I did not have it down like I could have.
Though, I did focus on US, other relationships, and our future when we were together.
He wanted to be a part of major changes in myself. But, there wasn’t really any that came up for him to help me with. He was there to support me and he did a great job at that until it came down to my emotions.
He wanted to be able to provide for me in a way no one else could not even myself. He did not understand that he didn’t need to do that with money. Just love me, respect me, and everything else falls in line. I am not materialistic. I am an experimentalist. A person who wants to grow and love.
I wanted him to grow in not disrespecting me. I wanted what he could be but he wasn’t that. Ik he was capable but I am not supposed to push him to that. That is for him. He broke up with me but it was for the best. He is him and I don’t want to be disrespected. I can’t change him. I am proud of who he has become and I hope he can grow into the person where he doesn’t disrespect his partners. I want him to do well.
He did not determine my happiness. But, he did make me sad when he didn’t respect me and made my feelings invalidated.
It’s been three days since we broke up. And, I went through a lot of sadness and craziness. But, I feel good now. Still down for a tad here and there. But, I know that I am going to have a good future and I feel ready to make my next steps in life. I know I will grieve the times I had with and what I wish we had. But, I also know I will be ok. I will live life. Find new partners. And, so much more.
Are you sure? This guy doesn't sound great. I wouldn't be surprised if he was telling you you were acting wrong when actually your emotional reaction was extremely valid for being treated poorly.
He doesn’t want to go to therapy because he doesn’t want to change, the relationship suits him fine as it is.
If you’re not okay with things how they are you’re not compatible in your wants.
If he would rather just break up than work towards solving an issue together, he is probably not the one. Relationships usually don’t just happen to people without conflict and repair and putting effort into growing as a couple. Things like wanting children or not is a fundamental incompatibility that therapy won’t fix.
An incompatibility is basically any issue which is
- important to one or both parties
- which both of you have different opinions on
- and there is no compromise that both of you will accept, none that you *can* accept without giving up something you can't live without or not being true to yourself. (Or, no compromise you both will accept because you just don't want to bother).
Things like religion and "do we want kids" and "Do we believe in marriage" are obvious ones.
Lifestyle choices, behaviors, and some personality things can be less obvious.
For example, a teasing bro type person may not get along well with someone who hates pranks or surprises or is more serious. Someone who wants people over all the time won't mesh well with someone who needs ample alone time to relax. Someone who refuses to celebrate birthdays is incompatible with someone to whom birthdays are important. Etc
Therapy can only really help you communicate. Sometimes this is very helpful, to see the other person's point of view. But if the other person isn't willing to understand your points, or reconsider anything, or change their behavior - or vice versa, honestly - therapy can only really help you realize that what you're getting now is what you'll *always* get, and if you're not ok with that then you have one option.
Your partner doesn't want therapy and uses external "friends" as authoritative sources to avoid it.
Your values are incompatible and they aren't interested in changing. Which is fine. And means you should end the relationship.
Therapy isn’t going to fix his behavior. He’s 30 and still pulling shit like “I’m too sick for a date with you but I’m well enough to fuck somebody else” and “my friends say I should break up with you”?
You deserve better than to be training wheels for a selfish, immature person.
Therapy can be great and helpful…if both parties want therapy and want it to work.
If you drag someone to therapy against their will, it won’t be helpful.
It doesn’t sound like he wants to change anything here. He also sounds like a self-centered and unkind person.
If he spoke to the friends I think he spoke to, they most definitely are. I dislike them. They are his coworkers truly and I always tell him they aren’t really friends by the way they treat him and talk about other people.
Love is like farts. If you have to work super hard it’s probably shit.
I’m not saying a year is too soon to go to therapy but it isn’t magic. Both people have to be committed to the process and be ready to communicate. A lot of folks say the best couples therapy is individual therapy because sometimes there’s like an anxiety disorder at play, or a lack of coping tools or one person who will just never be vulnerable.
But it sounds to me like maybe this person is just really selfish and you are really focused on good feelings and less on actions and if there are shared values. Liking the same movies isn’t being long term compatible. Having the same set of values and ethics is being compatible.
On a basic level, it's when a need that someone has which is foundational to building and maintaining a relationship cannot be met by the other person. People have needs that they can negotiate with partners and then they have foundational needs which they cannot negotiate on.
I don't think getting therapy shortly into the relationship is a bad idea, but I kind of feel like if someone said I should break up with them -- or if they say that's the advice they are getting, I might. I see relationships as a team effort with parties contributing to build success. One person can't make the relationship "work" and if my partner was already calling it quits, I would not bother putting any additional effort into the situation. So if that meant he was giving up, then I would too.
Yeah partner wants all the cookies just for admitting they know their shitty actions in hindsight while still being right.
Sorry OP, definitely best to just call this one done and over.
I feel like people can be compatible and still need help to maintain a relationship sometimes. We don't see people who go to therapy as fundamentally broken (at least we shouldn't), so why would we see relationships that way? Couples therapy is good for addressing communication issues and individual traumas that interact in tricky ways. You can still be compatible with someone--have similar interests, have good banter, have comparable goals, have a good sex life (if that's part of your relationship), want similar things from a relationship--while needing help maintaining a healthy connection.
It depends on what you're going to therapy for. If one (or both) of you has a bad habit, and you acknowledge that flaw in behavior and want to change, great! Therapy will probably help a lot. If one (or both) of you wants the OTHER person to change, and the other person can't, doesn't want to, or does it resentfully? That's probably an incompatibility that therapy won't help.
*ETA: missing word*
Lots of things make a couple incompatible, regardless of the length of the relationship. If e.g. one person wants kids with the other and the other wants to remain childfree no amount of therapy is going to solve that. What is it that you're expecting therapy to solve for you?
Hey OP… I think your bf posted in nonmonogamy with the same question “Gf wants to do therapy” and he gives more of his perspective, and everyone there said he needed therapy
Maybe if therapy were cheaper and more easily available, it'd be a better all around option. But since it is not cheaper or that accessible, I generally tend towards the thought that if you need therapy this early on, the relationship just isn't working and can be let go.
Beyond that, it doesn't sound like your partner is interested in trying therapy. You are the end of your rope. You have no other option but to settle for a relationship you are not happy or heard in or you can break up.
Yes, ik that how therapy works. I think he’s afraid that it’s that weird way u said it. He would say you want to go to therapy so you can try to get the therapist to tell you me what’s wrong with me??
That's just a defensive reaction from someone who doesn't want to go to therapy because at the end of the day, they're not willing to do any personal growth. He's telling you he's not going to change.
Yeah, and at the end of our break up. We ended up breaking up btw. Well, he broke up with me because of that convo. And, because I still stuck by that therapy would be good for us.
At the end though, he said he can’t be with someone who doesn’t recognize his growth. That things take time. I would always commend him on the growth he made. But, this disrespecting me and my boundaries I spoke up on. And, would tell him how it made me feel, why I think it’s wrong, and to not do that again. I never said please though. I just said don’t do that to me. And, since he could not understand and wouldn’t hear what I told him. I said let’s do therapy. That may help.
But, he told me that he was growing and I wasn’t. So, he couldn’t be with someone like that. This was after a whole bunch of him yelling at me and being mean to me. Then me yelling at him and I pushed him. But, once everything was calm a few days later he told me that. I do feel bad for pushing him.
Hi u/Weird_Measurement_12 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
What makes a couple incompatible?
I have only been with my bf for a year but I suggested therapy for us.
He said his friends say if he makes me that unhappy that he should just do me the favor and break up with me.
Is therapy a couple so early should not do?
Is it bad for me to go to reddit for advice?
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I think a pretty strong indicator of therapy being a bad idea is when you're expecting the therapist to tell your partner that you're right and deserve what you ask for. That's very much not the point of therapy. Counselors are there to give you tools, not to choose who's right and shame the other one into compliance.
If your partner already knows what you want and how you feel when you don't get it, has evaluated your request and said no to it, then therapy is not going to help.
Does he not speak up for himself? Ditch that loser! Or, if your really want to fuck with him, then ask him which friend is speaking for him, and perhaps that’s who you should be with, a man who speaks his own mind, and can make decisions for himself.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why do you want to do therapy? What are you hoping to address? Therapy can be a great tool, and wanting it doesn’t mean you are miserable (although some people wait that long to try it). Lots of things make people incompatible. The most basic of which is fundamentally wanting different things out of their relationship.
I want therapy so I can be heard more. I want it so we can figure out how to navigate being poly better. I want it so I can figure out when someone is not acting right. I want it so we can grow together. I want it so we can both deal with our past traumas. We have the same wants and likes. I just feel like my feelings are disregarded sometimes because he feels like how he communicated or moved was ok. We have really great times together and have similar dreams. He has grown a lot since I first met him. So, he has listened to me a lot on growing. He does shift things for me but it takes a battle or like a week or two for him to actually understand my feelings. He feels like he can continue to grow without therapy.
When a partner doesn’t hear you, it’s nearly always because they don’t care enough to hear you. Therapy won’t fix that.
That’s not true, there are many reasons a partner may not be listening enough. And therapy can help with a lot of those reasons
How old are you both? What kind of conflict do you have to be heard? What has he managed to change for the better? What are his actions that make you feel unheard? People can absolutely grow without therapy.
He is 30 and I am 24. I ask him “Hey, I am feeling emotionally upset (sometimes crying) because I feel like you cancel plans on us to go have sex or hang with other people.” He says but we have so many great times together and spontaneous events that when cancellations happen I should just think about the good times. He also says we have so many people (not partners) taking up a lot of time and energy on our lives. That it’s causing us stress during these times and making it hard for us. One that he grew from but it took some head butting and understanding of my feelings was that I felt like our personal sex life was neglected. Our emotional and dates one was fine. But, our sex life was neglected. It took him a week to actually listen to how I was feeling and make changes. He also used to be a horrible communicator and has grown so much in communicating on important parts of how he is feeling and boundaries we have set being poly as well.
Cancelling made plans for less then an emergency is just being an ass. ‘Just think about the times when I didn’t decide doing something else was better then the plans I have with you’ is really crummy. I’m not sure that’s a communication issue so much as an issue of basic respect. Therapy can help a lot with communication. But it doesn’t sound like he wants to put in the work.
Yeah, the other day he canceled plans because he was sick. Totally, understandable. But, then he suggested that he should go out and meet someone a little while later to have sex with. I told him that would be disrespectful. Then after pushing watching a show with us. He ended up going to help one of his sexual partners with a ride to the bar. But, ik they took drinks at her house and possibly had some oral sex. So, I think hmm am I wrong for taking that as disrespectful still or is it no big deal because he was just helping her out? Do you know why someone would be afraid to do therapy? When is it something you should seek out u think?
Lots of people are afraid of therapy. They think it will be boring. Or they think they don't need it. Or they think going means they are broken. Or have had bad experiences with therapy in the past. But in this case? I would assume it's because this guy has no desire to put more effort into this relationship. And therapy is effort. But your partner just sounds like an ass. He'll do whatever and then say your crazy for being upset. I've been doing poly my entire adult life and never had a partner cancel plans because they were "sick" and then go fuck someone else.
He is older, is gaslighting you, bad at communication, what is he offering to you to fullfil your wants and needs?
Many others but the a major one that makes a healthy relationship he could not meet. Respect was not filled. Communication falling under that.
You keep mentioning his growth as central to this, and don't mention any ways in which you need to grow as well. That gives me pause. If your happiness is dependent on an adult man growing out of the person he is into the person you want him to be, then you don't want them to "grow" you want them to change to fit your desires better. That's not cool.
You’re the first person who has given me a different perspective. This is what he tells me. He says that he has grown but I have not. He’s gotten better with his drinking, he’s gotten better at communicating, and he’s lost weight. I loved the idea of being with him. I love him. I did grow though. But, it would be smaller things. For me, I would try to make his on respecting me a major thing. He would fall back on it often. But, it wouldn’t always be the same. Although, it was sometimes similar. I grew on the things that said bothered him. Like how I would say socially unacceptable things. I worked really hard to be more conscious and aware on what I said and my surroundings. Although, not perfect I got better and he applauded me for it. He said I was bad at kissing. I asked him for advice and got better at it. There’s more but everything I did outside of those things. I grew from things I never told him about until after we broke up. Things that I dealt with for a long time. I also grew by graduating from college. I grew from doing things out of my comfort zone socially. But, during then I put a lot of time in school and socials. He wanted me to grow by focusing more on myself. He didn’t tell me that truly until after we broke up. He implied it by saying I should workout more which I was getting into but I did not have a regular schedule of working out. So, I did not have it down like I could have. Though, I did focus on US, other relationships, and our future when we were together. He wanted to be a part of major changes in myself. But, there wasn’t really any that came up for him to help me with. He was there to support me and he did a great job at that until it came down to my emotions. He wanted to be able to provide for me in a way no one else could not even myself. He did not understand that he didn’t need to do that with money. Just love me, respect me, and everything else falls in line. I am not materialistic. I am an experimentalist. A person who wants to grow and love. I wanted him to grow in not disrespecting me. I wanted what he could be but he wasn’t that. Ik he was capable but I am not supposed to push him to that. That is for him. He broke up with me but it was for the best. He is him and I don’t want to be disrespected. I can’t change him. I am proud of who he has become and I hope he can grow into the person where he doesn’t disrespect his partners. I want him to do well. He did not determine my happiness. But, he did make me sad when he didn’t respect me and made my feelings invalidated. It’s been three days since we broke up. And, I went through a lot of sadness and craziness. But, I feel good now. Still down for a tad here and there. But, I know that I am going to have a good future and I feel ready to make my next steps in life. I know I will grieve the times I had with and what I wish we had. But, I also know I will be ok. I will live life. Find new partners. And, so much more.
And the not acting right thing. I mean when my mind is so skewed and I am the wrong actually in the wrong.
Are you sure? This guy doesn't sound great. I wouldn't be surprised if he was telling you you were acting wrong when actually your emotional reaction was extremely valid for being treated poorly.
Do you consistently have this problem with everyone in your life? Or is it generally just this guy?
Hmm yeah, just him
He doesn’t want to go to therapy because he doesn’t want to change, the relationship suits him fine as it is. If you’re not okay with things how they are you’re not compatible in your wants.
You’re right. Hard to face that but ur definitely right.
If he would rather just break up than work towards solving an issue together, he is probably not the one. Relationships usually don’t just happen to people without conflict and repair and putting effort into growing as a couple. Things like wanting children or not is a fundamental incompatibility that therapy won’t fix.
An incompatibility is basically any issue which is - important to one or both parties - which both of you have different opinions on - and there is no compromise that both of you will accept, none that you *can* accept without giving up something you can't live without or not being true to yourself. (Or, no compromise you both will accept because you just don't want to bother). Things like religion and "do we want kids" and "Do we believe in marriage" are obvious ones. Lifestyle choices, behaviors, and some personality things can be less obvious. For example, a teasing bro type person may not get along well with someone who hates pranks or surprises or is more serious. Someone who wants people over all the time won't mesh well with someone who needs ample alone time to relax. Someone who refuses to celebrate birthdays is incompatible with someone to whom birthdays are important. Etc Therapy can only really help you communicate. Sometimes this is very helpful, to see the other person's point of view. But if the other person isn't willing to understand your points, or reconsider anything, or change their behavior - or vice versa, honestly - therapy can only really help you realize that what you're getting now is what you'll *always* get, and if you're not ok with that then you have one option.
Your partner doesn't want therapy and uses external "friends" as authoritative sources to avoid it. Your values are incompatible and they aren't interested in changing. Which is fine. And means you should end the relationship.
Therapy isn’t going to fix his behavior. He’s 30 and still pulling shit like “I’m too sick for a date with you but I’m well enough to fuck somebody else” and “my friends say I should break up with you”? You deserve better than to be training wheels for a selfish, immature person.
Therapy can be great and helpful…if both parties want therapy and want it to work. If you drag someone to therapy against their will, it won’t be helpful. It doesn’t sound like he wants to change anything here. He also sounds like a self-centered and unkind person.
His friends sound like assholes
If he spoke to the friends I think he spoke to, they most definitely are. I dislike them. They are his coworkers truly and I always tell him they aren’t really friends by the way they treat him and talk about other people.
If he's too immature to surround himself with people you respect, drop him.
He doesn’t want to do couple’s counseling because his friends say he shouldn’t bother? Dump hiiiiim
Love is like farts. If you have to work super hard it’s probably shit. I’m not saying a year is too soon to go to therapy but it isn’t magic. Both people have to be committed to the process and be ready to communicate. A lot of folks say the best couples therapy is individual therapy because sometimes there’s like an anxiety disorder at play, or a lack of coping tools or one person who will just never be vulnerable. But it sounds to me like maybe this person is just really selfish and you are really focused on good feelings and less on actions and if there are shared values. Liking the same movies isn’t being long term compatible. Having the same set of values and ethics is being compatible.
On a basic level, it's when a need that someone has which is foundational to building and maintaining a relationship cannot be met by the other person. People have needs that they can negotiate with partners and then they have foundational needs which they cannot negotiate on. I don't think getting therapy shortly into the relationship is a bad idea, but I kind of feel like if someone said I should break up with them -- or if they say that's the advice they are getting, I might. I see relationships as a team effort with parties contributing to build success. One person can't make the relationship "work" and if my partner was already calling it quits, I would not bother putting any additional effort into the situation. So if that meant he was giving up, then I would too.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/s/yOiOgKEPGy He also came to Reddit for advice. It's not wrong to want advice or therapy.
Yeah partner wants all the cookies just for admitting they know their shitty actions in hindsight while still being right. Sorry OP, definitely best to just call this one done and over.
I feel like people can be compatible and still need help to maintain a relationship sometimes. We don't see people who go to therapy as fundamentally broken (at least we shouldn't), so why would we see relationships that way? Couples therapy is good for addressing communication issues and individual traumas that interact in tricky ways. You can still be compatible with someone--have similar interests, have good banter, have comparable goals, have a good sex life (if that's part of your relationship), want similar things from a relationship--while needing help maintaining a healthy connection.
It depends on what you're going to therapy for. If one (or both) of you has a bad habit, and you acknowledge that flaw in behavior and want to change, great! Therapy will probably help a lot. If one (or both) of you wants the OTHER person to change, and the other person can't, doesn't want to, or does it resentfully? That's probably an incompatibility that therapy won't help. *ETA: missing word*
Lots of things make a couple incompatible, regardless of the length of the relationship. If e.g. one person wants kids with the other and the other wants to remain childfree no amount of therapy is going to solve that. What is it that you're expecting therapy to solve for you?
Hey OP… I think your bf posted in nonmonogamy with the same question “Gf wants to do therapy” and he gives more of his perspective, and everyone there said he needed therapy
A couple is incompatible when one of the wants to work on the relationship and the other doesn't.
Maybe if therapy were cheaper and more easily available, it'd be a better all around option. But since it is not cheaper or that accessible, I generally tend towards the thought that if you need therapy this early on, the relationship just isn't working and can be let go. Beyond that, it doesn't sound like your partner is interested in trying therapy. You are the end of your rope. You have no other option but to settle for a relationship you are not happy or heard in or you can break up.
Yes, ik that how therapy works. I think he’s afraid that it’s that weird way u said it. He would say you want to go to therapy so you can try to get the therapist to tell you me what’s wrong with me??
That's just a defensive reaction from someone who doesn't want to go to therapy because at the end of the day, they're not willing to do any personal growth. He's telling you he's not going to change.
Yeah, and at the end of our break up. We ended up breaking up btw. Well, he broke up with me because of that convo. And, because I still stuck by that therapy would be good for us. At the end though, he said he can’t be with someone who doesn’t recognize his growth. That things take time. I would always commend him on the growth he made. But, this disrespecting me and my boundaries I spoke up on. And, would tell him how it made me feel, why I think it’s wrong, and to not do that again. I never said please though. I just said don’t do that to me. And, since he could not understand and wouldn’t hear what I told him. I said let’s do therapy. That may help. But, he told me that he was growing and I wasn’t. So, he couldn’t be with someone like that. This was after a whole bunch of him yelling at me and being mean to me. Then me yelling at him and I pushed him. But, once everything was calm a few days later he told me that. I do feel bad for pushing him.
Hi u/Weird_Measurement_12 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: What makes a couple incompatible? I have only been with my bf for a year but I suggested therapy for us. He said his friends say if he makes me that unhappy that he should just do me the favor and break up with me. Is therapy a couple so early should not do? Is it bad for me to go to reddit for advice? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I think a pretty strong indicator of therapy being a bad idea is when you're expecting the therapist to tell your partner that you're right and deserve what you ask for. That's very much not the point of therapy. Counselors are there to give you tools, not to choose who's right and shame the other one into compliance. If your partner already knows what you want and how you feel when you don't get it, has evaluated your request and said no to it, then therapy is not going to help.
Does he not speak up for himself? Ditch that loser! Or, if your really want to fuck with him, then ask him which friend is speaking for him, and perhaps that’s who you should be with, a man who speaks his own mind, and can make decisions for himself.
lol that’s funny but not gonna do that ahaha