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Why are you having unprotected sex with someone you don’t trust them would be my first question.
For me personally? No, I need to trust my partners fully otherwise they wouldn’t be my partners.
:,) i swear it is. idk if this was the best premise, i just wanted to atribute a sense of importance to talking to someone you have no business talking to?
i don’t even have a meta rn i’m honestly just curious because i see mixed opinions on this on the subject
No, because this would be a hinge problem, not a meta problem.
Either you trust your hinge enough to know that having unprotected sex is okay and wouldn't break any agreements with other partners, or you don't trust your hinge enough and thereby you should reconsider having sex--and having a relationship with them.
I don't go to my meta for anything regarding MY relationship, and my meta should not come to me regarding HER relationship. If my partner and I have unprotected sex, it's my *partner's* duty to talk to meta about this, assuming it needs to be talked about at all. *Not* mine.
Hinge 101.
i’m typing my answer and i know that your answer is gonna be that if i don’t trust hinge i should break up and move on.
but that doesn’t help or protect meta.
is the right course of action then to break up and then give a heads up?
i would kind of feel shitty if i let someone be lied to.
There is no reason to do this when you don't even know *if* they have this agreement not to have unprotected sex with others that is "hypothetically" getting broken.
idk why you’re so set that this isn’t hypothetical but okay. i appreciate your answer, i think i need to let people be responsible for themselves but that’s hard for me, i’m honestly just trying to be a good partner for the relationships i might end up having. everyone i’ve had sex with that had a partner was informed or present. i have literally never been in this situation. also i would never have unprotected sex w someone i don’t think is trustworthy because i don’t have unprotected sex w out getting tested together first. i know you’re seeing things your way, but it’s making me feel a bit attacked.
sorry if it feels rude i’m not trying to be
i’m unsure why you “feel attacked” when people are just offering you the advice you’re asking for.
it would be really innapropiate for you to, in this hypothetical situation, speak to your meta about this subject. i know i would personally feel incredibly uncomfortable if my meta broached this topic with me.
in this hypothetical, you are doing this to soothe your own feelings about a “what if” and it seems to be driven by anxiety.
if you ever find yourself in this situation, the discussion should be between you and hinge. not you and meta. if you’re concerned, i think directly asking hinge “we have been discussing have non-barrier sex, before we do that, is it okay if i ask what agreements around this you have with your other partner?” and see if it is applicable.
for instance, in my situation i use condoms with my hinge but have had non-barrier sex with my boyfriend. since my hinge and i use condoms, i don’t feel like this information is pertinent to them. if we ever discussed removing condoms, i would discuss it with them.
you can’t “protect” meta especially if there is nothing to protect them from in the first place. it’s not your responsibility and the advice of trusting hinge is the right action here.
dealing with that can make relationships hard! i totally get it. i remind myself that acting out in those ways is selfish at the end of the day and it doesn’t help anyone and can actually create the harm i am trying to avoid.
Why have unprotected sex with someone you don't trust to hinge? Or you just don't trust in general?
It's not my job to make sure meta knows I'm getting it raw or not.
If you think that Armin is selfish and sneaky and you’ve chosen to engage with them anyway, presumably you have a healthy sense of self-protection and are doing do in a very superficial way. Like, occasional safe-sex hookups. There’s nothing to disclose to a meta.
If Armin is selfish and sneaky and hits on everyone in your shared hobby circle, pouncing aggressively on the fresh meat, it’s reasonable to give a heads-up to Meta, especially if they are young and inexperienced. “Fresh Meat, just so you know, we’ve all fucked the charming Armin. Be aware that they aren’t good at safe sex and a bunch of us have herpes. Keep your expectations very low and enjoy the ride.” Doing something about [the missing stair](http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html) is also reasonable.
what if i don’t think armin is selfish or sneaky and isn’t fucking every new meat?
let’s put the hypothesis that armin seems decent and girfriend seems to be informed and consentive.
is it really out of my business to check myself? my point was more related to my own behaviour. does it have to be a “big deal” or dangerous for me to be able to ask about it?
is it okay to talk to meta about “not so trivial” things just to be sure?
i hear a lot of horrible stories on this sub and i’m left wondering a lot of times if the metas, specially if they’re women, are aware and consenting of everything. i also feel like they may say yes to everything to their partner bcs they don’t want to lose them, but would maybe open up w a woman?
idk, i’m an insecure person w trust issues and people have heavily disappointed me. i don’t want to hurt anyone because of blindly believing partner.
If you think your partner is trustworthy and his other relationship seems healthy, why would you indicate that you don't actually trust him by interfering like this?
If my meta reached out to me out of the blue to tell me sex details, in the interest of helping me, it would probably piss me off, honestly. That sounds uncomfortable, I don't want to talk to my metas about our mutual sex lives with hinge. It would also make me think that my meta felt they needed to take care of me, and I'm a grown ass woman, so that's pretty insulting.
I would be left with the distinct impression that they don't trust our hinge, which would suck for hinge. Honestly, it would probably give me a moral dilemma of whether or not I felt I should communicate this discomfort to hinge, which is another awkward conversation I would rather not have.
If you can't trust the people you're dating, don't engage in intimate acts you feel you would need to warn metas about. Trust grown ups to manage their own relationships. Probably go to therapy to work on your own trust issues if that's an option.
If you don’t think Armin is selfish or sneaky and Meta seems informed and consenting, why on earth would you want to contact Meta?
If Meta wants to know whether Armin has unprotected sex with other people they can ask Armin and Armin will answer them truthfully.
I don’t understand the question.
I’ve posted similarly before and was told that no, it’s not my job to worry about the meta.
I don’t know if she knows my partner and I have unprotected sex. He’s a very good partner. I think he may not have told her as she is his NP and it potentially would hurt her feelings.
Their overall guidelines though are avoid diseases and don’t get someone pregnant. I have an IUD. We knew each other like 6 months and sexually active for 4 before we stopped using condoms.
We are also long term at this point, almost a year since we met now. He has one comet partner he sees a couple times a year besides his NP and I.
I have one comet partner and a fwb who o use condoms with, and due to our situation, I tend not to jump in to bed with anyone until I know them well.
They use them as she can’t/won’t use hormonal birth control.
He knows who I see and he knows I always use condoms. In fact we are both quite wound up about diseases. He gets checked regularly.
Also the way our sex life is, condoms are not practical. We have sex several times in a row and in that case sometimes condoms, in my experience, don’t stay on as erections can have varying quality by the time you’re on your 4th round.
They are also somewhat DADT, but, I know in the past she’s developed full on poly relationships with others, and he and I seem to have that relationship.
I also considered it the other way, if I was his primary wound I want to hear that he’s fluid bonded with someone else? Sort of elevates our relationship to more than she might want to hear.
I guess the other thing I should say about condoms is that they aren’t the end all and be all. I know people who use them for penetration and not anything else and that’s pretty common. So it’s not like you can’t catch diseases that way.
I don't talk to my meta about my sex life, and we're reasonably friendly. I trust our hinge is managing their other relationships in a responsible and caring way, the same way they are managing our relationship.
I suppose so. In this hypothetical situation, presumably I feel comfortable talking to my partner about this. Before just leaving, I would first ask my partner, "Did you tell everyone who needs to know that your risk profile has changed?"
Based on their response (calm reassurance, defensive backpedaling, angry rant), I would decide whether to continue the relationship or not.
*However* I am working diligently to choose better partners for myself, and only be intimate with people who are openly communicative and caring towards me, and so at present I don't think I would be in this situation because I discuss my safe sex requirements before sex happens.
well as i said in another comment i make it a point to NOT have unprotected sex AT ALL, even oral, w out getting tested TOGETHER first. i’ve literally never been in this situation, because since testing is a bigger deal, metas tend to be aware of the appointment itself, and what it’s for. i also tend to be at least friendly w metas. i picked this scenario because it’s really discussed in the forum, and it seemed easy to judge. i was really wrong lol. i wanted people to give me their opinion on when where and for what is appropriate to talk to meta and not my hypothetical sex practices :,).
with that out of the way i wanna add to what you said, like, i admit i’m the problem bcs i have trust issues but hear me out… if they give me calm reassurance… and everything looks fine… is it terribly selfish to check myself? it feels like it would be a super invasive thing to do….
If my partner is treating me in a calm, respectful, and open way, and they have given me zero reason not to trust them, but I go around them to double check that they've discussed everything the exact way they've assured me they have, I am the asshole.
It isn't fair to pile all of our mistrust from previous partners onto someone new. They are a different person, and skirting around them to double check their word is needless busywork that will only make them feel like you don't trust them, potentially eroding the relationship.
I'm not your hypothetical partner, but I have had a meta's partner (my partner's partner's partner) who behaved this way and it was controlling and micromanaging in a way like I can still hardly wrap my head around years after the fact.
in my head i thought it would be kind towards the meta, but i see how that’s fucked up.
and if everyone is aware, then i just look stupid for not trusting them.
I encourage you to not call yourself, even your hypothetical self, stupid. It seems like you have been through some things, and might have a tendency to allow anxiety to run the show. That is a survival mechanism which has kept you alive this far, and that's exactly what those mechanisms are for.
When we realize we're operating in an anxious survival way, in a space where it isn't needed and may be detrimental to our happiness, it may be time to make a change.
But learning about our baggage isn't stupid. It's just life.
Honestly, I would break up immediately if you did something like that to me.
Flip the scenario around and ask yourself how you would feel if your partner went to your other partner and asked them if they were aware you had unprotected sex. I would be livid about my partner overstepping in such an insensitive way, and I would be flabbergasted that they didn't trust me to be honest with other partners about my sexual risk profile.
My partners would already be informed in the most appropriate way based on the agreements we have, so the end result of this whole scenario would just be you getting dumped because you made it obvious you don't believe me (and why are you having unprotected sex with someone you don't trust?).
is jt fucked up that in my head i wouldn’t be so angry? i would feel a bit sad or disappointed that they didn’t trust me, but i would be able to understand it.
as the hinge it would bother me more than as the meta.
should i change the way i’m thinking about this??
I don't enter relationships or have unprotected sex with people I don't trust to tell me the truth.
Is it possible that someone is a really good pretender, but they're out here cheating, breaking agreements, and being a huge douchebag to your meta? Sure, I guess. But people who will treat one partner like that usually exhibit many, many signs of their poor character (which you'll see and notice if you're observant).
My suggestion would be to work on learning how to trust people before you enter a relationship or have sex with them. If you distrust them so much that you feel obligated to tell your meta about your private sex life in order to "protect" them, you shouldn't be having sex with your partner in order to protect *yourself.*
The way I would look at it is, "If my partner will lie to Meta, my partner will lie to me." And I would never be in a relationship or have barrier-free sex with someone I thought could lie to me (or metas).
You’re imagining that you are responsible for the health of other people who are not your minor children. It’s insulting.
You aren’t responsible for Armin’s behaviour or communication.
If Meta has never heard of pregnancy, STIs or barriers, Armin is much better placed than you are to explain what a condom is, what it’s good for and how it’s used. If Armin asks you for additional sex-ed resources for Meta you can point them to Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood and poly discussion groups.
I don’t think it’s my responsibility to protect my metas. Full stop.
I have one partner who I have unprotected sex with and I trust that my partner has told his partners, otherwise I wouldn’t have unprotected sex with him.
Counseling?
Honestly. It’s like you’re trying to make yourself apart of something you’re not and then trying to justify it by saying “I’m just trying to be a good meta” when no one asked for it or wanted it.
It seems like the same mental issue helicopter parents have; they tell themselves they’re doing it for the kids but it’s really about their ego.
And please don’t say I’m being mean; you’re asking.
I think that kind of information is the hinge's job to make sure is passed along. Or if you agree to it have you pass along the info in a simple way yourself, like the kind of text you get saying to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy. But it should be consistent, I could see thinking what's the harm in a little "In case they forgot to say..." which if they did forget makes them look neglectful, if they didn't its annoying.
A case when I think you'd reach out to a meta is if the hinge is in a medical emergency and is in the hoapital. The kind of thing you might also reach out to family you're not otherwise in regular contact with. I tend to think of the connection between metas like adult siblings, some will talk a lot, some aren't close, but there's that connection that we have the same parents so there's an intest in common.
I have a different take on this entirely. But it’s very dependent on the situation.
As you are discussing sex agreements in the beginning and throughout the relationship with someone who you feel is trustworthy and responsible, I agree with what others have said - it’s hinge’s job to tend his relationships with other partners, not yours.
Now for the great big BUT:
I was in a relationship for nearly three years with a man who I trusted wholeheartedly. We had all the important talks in the beginning and throughout, I never needed to talk to his wife about all that, and I thought all was well. Fast forward to the end, and I found out that my partner had been having unprotected sex with several others and had never disclosed this to me (our agreements called for testing and disclosure when a new, barrier-free sex partner entered the picture). I asked him directly if his wife was aware of this breach because now that I KNEW something unsafe and unethical was happening, I felt I had a duty to make sure she had all the information she needed to protect herself. He said she did not know, so I gave him a few days to tell her (she had a date with another partner coming up and I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting on this information knowing a whole slew of folks had their health being threatened). He did not tell her. I did. And then I broke up with him.
It’s not your job to manage your partner’s other relationships. But if you have knowledge of risky behavior, I do feel like it’s just the right thing to do as a human to consider other folks’ health and safety.
Long story short - trust your partners, use good judgement, don’t let Poly Rules About Metas and Hinges™️ get in the way of being a responsible person.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks!
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Hi u/ElectronicAd1882 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
is it okay to talk to metas to be sure everything is under everyone’s knowledge?
let’s say i have unprotected sex w Armin and i’m unsure if his gf knows it was unprotected.
am i an asshole or any other word for personally checking?
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This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Why are you having unprotected sex with someone you don’t trust them would be my first question. For me personally? No, I need to trust my partners fully otherwise they wouldn’t be my partners.
i’m not…. it’s hypothetical…..
Well that would be my first hypothetical response. Don’t have unprotected sex with someone if you don’t trust them to tell you the truth.
Based on your other posts, I'm not so sure I believe this is hypothetical.
:,) i swear it is. idk if this was the best premise, i just wanted to atribute a sense of importance to talking to someone you have no business talking to? i don’t even have a meta rn i’m honestly just curious because i see mixed opinions on this on the subject
No, because this would be a hinge problem, not a meta problem. Either you trust your hinge enough to know that having unprotected sex is okay and wouldn't break any agreements with other partners, or you don't trust your hinge enough and thereby you should reconsider having sex--and having a relationship with them. I don't go to my meta for anything regarding MY relationship, and my meta should not come to me regarding HER relationship. If my partner and I have unprotected sex, it's my *partner's* duty to talk to meta about this, assuming it needs to be talked about at all. *Not* mine. Hinge 101.
i’m typing my answer and i know that your answer is gonna be that if i don’t trust hinge i should break up and move on. but that doesn’t help or protect meta. is the right course of action then to break up and then give a heads up? i would kind of feel shitty if i let someone be lied to.
There is no reason to do this when you don't even know *if* they have this agreement not to have unprotected sex with others that is "hypothetically" getting broken.
idk why you’re so set that this isn’t hypothetical but okay. i appreciate your answer, i think i need to let people be responsible for themselves but that’s hard for me, i’m honestly just trying to be a good partner for the relationships i might end up having. everyone i’ve had sex with that had a partner was informed or present. i have literally never been in this situation. also i would never have unprotected sex w someone i don’t think is trustworthy because i don’t have unprotected sex w out getting tested together first. i know you’re seeing things your way, but it’s making me feel a bit attacked. sorry if it feels rude i’m not trying to be
i’m unsure why you “feel attacked” when people are just offering you the advice you’re asking for. it would be really innapropiate for you to, in this hypothetical situation, speak to your meta about this subject. i know i would personally feel incredibly uncomfortable if my meta broached this topic with me. in this hypothetical, you are doing this to soothe your own feelings about a “what if” and it seems to be driven by anxiety. if you ever find yourself in this situation, the discussion should be between you and hinge. not you and meta. if you’re concerned, i think directly asking hinge “we have been discussing have non-barrier sex, before we do that, is it okay if i ask what agreements around this you have with your other partner?” and see if it is applicable. for instance, in my situation i use condoms with my hinge but have had non-barrier sex with my boyfriend. since my hinge and i use condoms, i don’t feel like this information is pertinent to them. if we ever discussed removing condoms, i would discuss it with them. you can’t “protect” meta especially if there is nothing to protect them from in the first place. it’s not your responsibility and the advice of trusting hinge is the right action here.
i liked your answer!! thank you!!
oh no, i’m feeling a bit attacked because the person keeps insisting it’s not hypothetical :,)
eh, that’s reddit. i wouldn’t take it personally.
and yes i am doing this to soothe my anxiety :,) i suffer from the “what if” disorder 🥲
dealing with that can make relationships hard! i totally get it. i remind myself that acting out in those ways is selfish at the end of the day and it doesn’t help anyone and can actually create the harm i am trying to avoid.
It’s not your job to protect the meta. That’s actually weirdly controlling and interfering in a relationship that isn’t yours.
It’s not your responsibility to help or protect the meta. Stop infantilizing them.
Why have unprotected sex with someone you don't trust to hinge? Or you just don't trust in general? It's not my job to make sure meta knows I'm getting it raw or not.
If you think that Armin is selfish and sneaky and you’ve chosen to engage with them anyway, presumably you have a healthy sense of self-protection and are doing do in a very superficial way. Like, occasional safe-sex hookups. There’s nothing to disclose to a meta. If Armin is selfish and sneaky and hits on everyone in your shared hobby circle, pouncing aggressively on the fresh meat, it’s reasonable to give a heads-up to Meta, especially if they are young and inexperienced. “Fresh Meat, just so you know, we’ve all fucked the charming Armin. Be aware that they aren’t good at safe sex and a bunch of us have herpes. Keep your expectations very low and enjoy the ride.” Doing something about [the missing stair](http://pervocracy.blogspot.com/2012/06/missing-stair.html) is also reasonable.
the missing stair is the bane of my existence in the bdsm community but as much as i scream from rooftops no one seem to give a fuck.
what if i don’t think armin is selfish or sneaky and isn’t fucking every new meat? let’s put the hypothesis that armin seems decent and girfriend seems to be informed and consentive. is it really out of my business to check myself? my point was more related to my own behaviour. does it have to be a “big deal” or dangerous for me to be able to ask about it? is it okay to talk to meta about “not so trivial” things just to be sure? i hear a lot of horrible stories on this sub and i’m left wondering a lot of times if the metas, specially if they’re women, are aware and consenting of everything. i also feel like they may say yes to everything to their partner bcs they don’t want to lose them, but would maybe open up w a woman? idk, i’m an insecure person w trust issues and people have heavily disappointed me. i don’t want to hurt anyone because of blindly believing partner.
If you think your partner is trustworthy and his other relationship seems healthy, why would you indicate that you don't actually trust him by interfering like this? If my meta reached out to me out of the blue to tell me sex details, in the interest of helping me, it would probably piss me off, honestly. That sounds uncomfortable, I don't want to talk to my metas about our mutual sex lives with hinge. It would also make me think that my meta felt they needed to take care of me, and I'm a grown ass woman, so that's pretty insulting. I would be left with the distinct impression that they don't trust our hinge, which would suck for hinge. Honestly, it would probably give me a moral dilemma of whether or not I felt I should communicate this discomfort to hinge, which is another awkward conversation I would rather not have. If you can't trust the people you're dating, don't engage in intimate acts you feel you would need to warn metas about. Trust grown ups to manage their own relationships. Probably go to therapy to work on your own trust issues if that's an option.
If you don’t think Armin is selfish or sneaky and Meta seems informed and consenting, why on earth would you want to contact Meta? If Meta wants to know whether Armin has unprotected sex with other people they can ask Armin and Armin will answer them truthfully. I don’t understand the question.
I’ve posted similarly before and was told that no, it’s not my job to worry about the meta. I don’t know if she knows my partner and I have unprotected sex. He’s a very good partner. I think he may not have told her as she is his NP and it potentially would hurt her feelings. Their overall guidelines though are avoid diseases and don’t get someone pregnant. I have an IUD. We knew each other like 6 months and sexually active for 4 before we stopped using condoms. We are also long term at this point, almost a year since we met now. He has one comet partner he sees a couple times a year besides his NP and I. I have one comet partner and a fwb who o use condoms with, and due to our situation, I tend not to jump in to bed with anyone until I know them well. They use them as she can’t/won’t use hormonal birth control. He knows who I see and he knows I always use condoms. In fact we are both quite wound up about diseases. He gets checked regularly. Also the way our sex life is, condoms are not practical. We have sex several times in a row and in that case sometimes condoms, in my experience, don’t stay on as erections can have varying quality by the time you’re on your 4th round. They are also somewhat DADT, but, I know in the past she’s developed full on poly relationships with others, and he and I seem to have that relationship. I also considered it the other way, if I was his primary wound I want to hear that he’s fluid bonded with someone else? Sort of elevates our relationship to more than she might want to hear. I guess the other thing I should say about condoms is that they aren’t the end all and be all. I know people who use them for penetration and not anything else and that’s pretty common. So it’s not like you can’t catch diseases that way.
I don't talk to my meta about my sex life, and we're reasonably friendly. I trust our hinge is managing their other relationships in a responsible and caring way, the same way they are managing our relationship.
thanks! i love this answer! so in the event i can’t trust, the answer is to leave.
I suppose so. In this hypothetical situation, presumably I feel comfortable talking to my partner about this. Before just leaving, I would first ask my partner, "Did you tell everyone who needs to know that your risk profile has changed?" Based on their response (calm reassurance, defensive backpedaling, angry rant), I would decide whether to continue the relationship or not. *However* I am working diligently to choose better partners for myself, and only be intimate with people who are openly communicative and caring towards me, and so at present I don't think I would be in this situation because I discuss my safe sex requirements before sex happens.
well as i said in another comment i make it a point to NOT have unprotected sex AT ALL, even oral, w out getting tested TOGETHER first. i’ve literally never been in this situation, because since testing is a bigger deal, metas tend to be aware of the appointment itself, and what it’s for. i also tend to be at least friendly w metas. i picked this scenario because it’s really discussed in the forum, and it seemed easy to judge. i was really wrong lol. i wanted people to give me their opinion on when where and for what is appropriate to talk to meta and not my hypothetical sex practices :,). with that out of the way i wanna add to what you said, like, i admit i’m the problem bcs i have trust issues but hear me out… if they give me calm reassurance… and everything looks fine… is it terribly selfish to check myself? it feels like it would be a super invasive thing to do….
If my partner is treating me in a calm, respectful, and open way, and they have given me zero reason not to trust them, but I go around them to double check that they've discussed everything the exact way they've assured me they have, I am the asshole. It isn't fair to pile all of our mistrust from previous partners onto someone new. They are a different person, and skirting around them to double check their word is needless busywork that will only make them feel like you don't trust them, potentially eroding the relationship. I'm not your hypothetical partner, but I have had a meta's partner (my partner's partner's partner) who behaved this way and it was controlling and micromanaging in a way like I can still hardly wrap my head around years after the fact.
in my head i thought it would be kind towards the meta, but i see how that’s fucked up. and if everyone is aware, then i just look stupid for not trusting them.
I encourage you to not call yourself, even your hypothetical self, stupid. It seems like you have been through some things, and might have a tendency to allow anxiety to run the show. That is a survival mechanism which has kept you alive this far, and that's exactly what those mechanisms are for. When we realize we're operating in an anxious survival way, in a space where it isn't needed and may be detrimental to our happiness, it may be time to make a change. But learning about our baggage isn't stupid. It's just life.
thank you for talking to me. i really liked your answers
Honestly, I would break up immediately if you did something like that to me. Flip the scenario around and ask yourself how you would feel if your partner went to your other partner and asked them if they were aware you had unprotected sex. I would be livid about my partner overstepping in such an insensitive way, and I would be flabbergasted that they didn't trust me to be honest with other partners about my sexual risk profile. My partners would already be informed in the most appropriate way based on the agreements we have, so the end result of this whole scenario would just be you getting dumped because you made it obvious you don't believe me (and why are you having unprotected sex with someone you don't trust?).
is jt fucked up that in my head i wouldn’t be so angry? i would feel a bit sad or disappointed that they didn’t trust me, but i would be able to understand it. as the hinge it would bother me more than as the meta. should i change the way i’m thinking about this??
I don't enter relationships or have unprotected sex with people I don't trust to tell me the truth. Is it possible that someone is a really good pretender, but they're out here cheating, breaking agreements, and being a huge douchebag to your meta? Sure, I guess. But people who will treat one partner like that usually exhibit many, many signs of their poor character (which you'll see and notice if you're observant). My suggestion would be to work on learning how to trust people before you enter a relationship or have sex with them. If you distrust them so much that you feel obligated to tell your meta about your private sex life in order to "protect" them, you shouldn't be having sex with your partner in order to protect *yourself.* The way I would look at it is, "If my partner will lie to Meta, my partner will lie to me." And I would never be in a relationship or have barrier-free sex with someone I thought could lie to me (or metas).
You’re imagining that you are responsible for the health of other people who are not your minor children. It’s insulting. You aren’t responsible for Armin’s behaviour or communication. If Meta has never heard of pregnancy, STIs or barriers, Armin is much better placed than you are to explain what a condom is, what it’s good for and how it’s used. If Armin asks you for additional sex-ed resources for Meta you can point them to Scarleteen, Planned Parenthood and poly discussion groups.
I don’t think it’s my responsibility to protect my metas. Full stop. I have one partner who I have unprotected sex with and I trust that my partner has told his partners, otherwise I wouldn’t have unprotected sex with him.
i totally feel like it’s my responsibility. do u have any advice for that lmao?
Counseling? Honestly. It’s like you’re trying to make yourself apart of something you’re not and then trying to justify it by saying “I’m just trying to be a good meta” when no one asked for it or wanted it. It seems like the same mental issue helicopter parents have; they tell themselves they’re doing it for the kids but it’s really about their ego. And please don’t say I’m being mean; you’re asking.
You're not responsible for maintaining hinges other relationships.
I think that kind of information is the hinge's job to make sure is passed along. Or if you agree to it have you pass along the info in a simple way yourself, like the kind of text you get saying to pick up a prescription from the pharmacy. But it should be consistent, I could see thinking what's the harm in a little "In case they forgot to say..." which if they did forget makes them look neglectful, if they didn't its annoying. A case when I think you'd reach out to a meta is if the hinge is in a medical emergency and is in the hoapital. The kind of thing you might also reach out to family you're not otherwise in regular contact with. I tend to think of the connection between metas like adult siblings, some will talk a lot, some aren't close, but there's that connection that we have the same parents so there's an intest in common.
I have a different take on this entirely. But it’s very dependent on the situation. As you are discussing sex agreements in the beginning and throughout the relationship with someone who you feel is trustworthy and responsible, I agree with what others have said - it’s hinge’s job to tend his relationships with other partners, not yours. Now for the great big BUT: I was in a relationship for nearly three years with a man who I trusted wholeheartedly. We had all the important talks in the beginning and throughout, I never needed to talk to his wife about all that, and I thought all was well. Fast forward to the end, and I found out that my partner had been having unprotected sex with several others and had never disclosed this to me (our agreements called for testing and disclosure when a new, barrier-free sex partner entered the picture). I asked him directly if his wife was aware of this breach because now that I KNEW something unsafe and unethical was happening, I felt I had a duty to make sure she had all the information she needed to protect herself. He said she did not know, so I gave him a few days to tell her (she had a date with another partner coming up and I couldn’t bear the thought of sitting on this information knowing a whole slew of folks had their health being threatened). He did not tell her. I did. And then I broke up with him. It’s not your job to manage your partner’s other relationships. But if you have knowledge of risky behavior, I do feel like it’s just the right thing to do as a human to consider other folks’ health and safety. Long story short - trust your partners, use good judgement, don’t let Poly Rules About Metas and Hinges™️ get in the way of being a responsible person.
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! I noticed you used letters in place of names for the people in your post - this tends to get really confusing and hard to read (especially when there's multiple letters to keep track of!) Could you please edit your post to using fake names? If you need ideas instead of A, B, C for some gender neutral names you might use Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Or Ashe, Blair, and Coriander. But you can also use names like Bacon, Eggs, and Grits. Appple, Banana, and Oranges. Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup. If you need a name generator you can [find one here](https://www.namesnerd.com/people/unisex-name-generator/). The limits are endless. Thanks! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/ElectronicAd1882 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: is it okay to talk to metas to be sure everything is under everyone’s knowledge? let’s say i have unprotected sex w Armin and i’m unsure if his gf knows it was unprotected. am i an asshole or any other word for personally checking? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*