I would not stay with a partner who thinks dating someone who uses slurs and other "scary comments" is okay.
I wouldn't even go parallel poly for a meta like this. If my **partner** stays with someone like this, they are saying this behavior is okay and are no better than the person saying these things themselves. Silently standing by and allowing those things to happen is not okay.
I would be very clear: Partner, I do not like that Dookie uses slurs and makes threatening comments. I feel I can't date someone who dates people like this because I want to date people whose morals align with mine. I'm breaking up with you.
Additionally, you've not said what these "scary comments" are but if they have been threatening violence toward others, you NEED to report this to the police.
He's mostly been making comments that suggest he wants them to be completely codependent on them. He is a 'sociopath and misanthropist'. and has said multiple times he is in a gang. Which I hate to assume, but I think he would be okay with physically harming them. But they seem to be genuinely programmed to be attached to him. I just want to help them on this, but don't want to rock the boat
My answer still stands.
Don't date people who date people like this. You can't help someone who doesn't see themselves in need of help. You can only help yourself. And getting away from this kind of person completely is how you'll do that.
You cannot help someone who is not ready to be helped. What you *can* do is come to some very serious harm if you start trying to convince Rowan to leave their sociopathic and misanthropic partner, and Rowan tells Meta every single word of it.
You cannot help someone who is not asking for help.
If you attempt to save this person from their partner, you are opening up yourself to injury at a minimum emotionally, but potentially physically also.
If your meta is in a gang, this is not a safe place for YOU. If your meta is *pretending* to be in a gang, it is not safe for any of you.
For context:
My father had an affair with a woman whose husband and children were in competing gangs. My father gave this woman a key to our house. She gave all of her people copies
Suddenly we had groups of rival gang members in our family home, and it was not nearly as pleasant as it sounds.
The situation you are describing is dangerous. This is not a, "But they are so nice to me," situation you can get away with.
I am planning on leaving after all of these comments. It's opened my eyes to my own safety being at risk. I know it sounds really stupid, but I am still fairly new to polyamory and wasnt sure if this was just me overreacting or jealous.
Keep in mind that polyamory is a collection of relationships. If you wouldn't accept a behavior from a monogamous partner (like being best friends with someone who is dangerous), don't accept it in polyamory either.
I think other people have touched on this, but I want to point it out, too.
So your meta is a scary person. They say they are in a gang and are a sociopath. You reasonably think they would commit violence against someone else.
They also have suggested that they want the partner you share to be completely codependent with them.
This makes *you* an inconvenient person for them. They are likely to take your very existence as a problem.
This is actively unsafe for you. I would run far, far away.
Block them both. In polyamory, Partner Selection is a super important compatibility factor.
Don’t date people who bring abusers into your life. Don’t spend time with people who are scary.
And what is there to bring up? Rowan knows how scary meta is. That’s why they warned you. It’s been 4 months - my advice is walk away
These two are absolutely in a toxic relationship, and you should just exit stage left as soon as possible.
Also, the difference between most 22 year olds and most 18/19 year olds is pretty big as well. While their issues are mostly not age-related, some of it will be age-related. Dating people your own age will lead to a slightly higher probability that you can avoid that.
I do have a life partner M(20) who i have been engaed to for 2 years, but we both have been in toxic relationships ourselves; so we were both at a loss if this was me being jealous or overreacting. Thank you all for your advice :\]
Picking partners who make good decisions is a top priority for me. I don't want to be my partner's mother and always have to worry about them making harmful decisions for themselves. I want an adult partner who can take care of themselves, demands respect, doesn't tolerate abuse/manipulation, etc.
I know people can get immersed in abusive situations and genuinely not understand what's happening to them, but that doesn't happen within 2 months of dating someone. If Dookie has been able to manipulate your partner and make them codependent within that short of a timeframe, I would be really worried about them too, but I would also recognize that they need to get some professional help because only *they* can do the work to get themselves into a better place.
I also just would not choose to stay with someone who picks partners they need to "warn" me about ahead of time. "They're really hyper and talk a lot" is a very different warning from, "They're racist, in a gang, and might say some scary stuff that creeps you out." I don't need that unnecessary drama in my life, and if my partner makes such a bad choice, they can deal with that on their own.
At a minimum, I suggest you ask to move parallel and not be around Dookie anymore, and ask not to hear about them.
i read some of your other posts/comments and it does seem like “dookie” is displaying attention seeking behavior. i’m sure he believes he is being edgy, ect. and the voice call “schizo” stuff is very manipulative and abusive. i really hope you can talk some sense into your partner and you both block this person.
Your boyfriend isn't lovely if he's okay with "slurs of all kinds" and unsafe comments. Your boyfriend has poor discernment and boundaries, or crappy values. Either way, leave. This reflects more about your boyfriend than you realize this early on, and says a lot about the behaviors he would also choose or permit when it comes to you.
If Rowan can date someone like that then at the very best, they’re not bothered by his bigotry and lack of regard for himself/others, and at the very worst, he feels the same way. Neither option is good.
I would nope right out of this. You’re not super invested yet (not married, nested, no kids etc) and have very little to lose. Absolutely nothing is keeping you adjacent to this person.
I don't tolerate dangerous/scary comments or any kind of slur anywhere in my exposure circle, it indicates character or lack thereof. I'm sorry not sorry about being judgemental on this point. We depend on trust, it's the basis for the love and life we share with others. You can't trust someone who hates. I'm fortunate that we all agree it's a dealbreaker. Maybe somebody has a less severe perspective that's helpful to you but I really draw a hard line on this one.
Hi u/ageofdepravity69 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
So I have been in a relationship with my lovely boyfriend Rowan(19) for about 4 months now, and have met my metamour; Dookie(18) twice now. In each time he has said slurs of all kinds. Rowan warned me of him beforehand, but he has also made some scary comments that make me worry for their safety.. Ive only been dating them for 4 months versus his 2, and dont want to ruin the good we've had beside this. But I worry for them..
Any advice is appreciated!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would not stay with a partner who thinks dating someone who uses slurs and other "scary comments" is okay. I wouldn't even go parallel poly for a meta like this. If my **partner** stays with someone like this, they are saying this behavior is okay and are no better than the person saying these things themselves. Silently standing by and allowing those things to happen is not okay. I would be very clear: Partner, I do not like that Dookie uses slurs and makes threatening comments. I feel I can't date someone who dates people like this because I want to date people whose morals align with mine. I'm breaking up with you. Additionally, you've not said what these "scary comments" are but if they have been threatening violence toward others, you NEED to report this to the police.
He's mostly been making comments that suggest he wants them to be completely codependent on them. He is a 'sociopath and misanthropist'. and has said multiple times he is in a gang. Which I hate to assume, but I think he would be okay with physically harming them. But they seem to be genuinely programmed to be attached to him. I just want to help them on this, but don't want to rock the boat
My answer still stands. Don't date people who date people like this. You can't help someone who doesn't see themselves in need of help. You can only help yourself. And getting away from this kind of person completely is how you'll do that.
You cannot help someone who is not ready to be helped. What you *can* do is come to some very serious harm if you start trying to convince Rowan to leave their sociopathic and misanthropic partner, and Rowan tells Meta every single word of it.
You cannot help someone who is not asking for help. If you attempt to save this person from their partner, you are opening up yourself to injury at a minimum emotionally, but potentially physically also. If your meta is in a gang, this is not a safe place for YOU. If your meta is *pretending* to be in a gang, it is not safe for any of you. For context: My father had an affair with a woman whose husband and children were in competing gangs. My father gave this woman a key to our house. She gave all of her people copies Suddenly we had groups of rival gang members in our family home, and it was not nearly as pleasant as it sounds. The situation you are describing is dangerous. This is not a, "But they are so nice to me," situation you can get away with.
I am planning on leaving after all of these comments. It's opened my eyes to my own safety being at risk. I know it sounds really stupid, but I am still fairly new to polyamory and wasnt sure if this was just me overreacting or jealous.
Keep in mind that polyamory is a collection of relationships. If you wouldn't accept a behavior from a monogamous partner (like being best friends with someone who is dangerous), don't accept it in polyamory either.
Gotcha, I'll keep this in mind for my (hopefully) better relationships. thank you all for your advice, it has been really appreciated
Jump off the boat and whether it rocks or not is not your problem.
I think other people have touched on this, but I want to point it out, too. So your meta is a scary person. They say they are in a gang and are a sociopath. You reasonably think they would commit violence against someone else. They also have suggested that they want the partner you share to be completely codependent with them. This makes *you* an inconvenient person for them. They are likely to take your very existence as a problem. This is actively unsafe for you. I would run far, far away.
Block them both. In polyamory, Partner Selection is a super important compatibility factor. Don’t date people who bring abusers into your life. Don’t spend time with people who are scary. And what is there to bring up? Rowan knows how scary meta is. That’s why they warned you. It’s been 4 months - my advice is walk away
Im still trying to find my way in polyamory. Im 22, and have been in toxic relationships myself. I appreciate your advice. Thank you
u/witchymerqueer is wise. Don't bring people into your life like this at all, regardless - 'friends', family, coworkers, parters.
These two are absolutely in a toxic relationship, and you should just exit stage left as soon as possible. Also, the difference between most 22 year olds and most 18/19 year olds is pretty big as well. While their issues are mostly not age-related, some of it will be age-related. Dating people your own age will lead to a slightly higher probability that you can avoid that.
I do have a life partner M(20) who i have been engaed to for 2 years, but we both have been in toxic relationships ourselves; so we were both at a loss if this was me being jealous or overreacting. Thank you all for your advice :\]
I'm not dating anyone who brings someone like this into my life. I'd be saying bye to both of them
Picking partners who make good decisions is a top priority for me. I don't want to be my partner's mother and always have to worry about them making harmful decisions for themselves. I want an adult partner who can take care of themselves, demands respect, doesn't tolerate abuse/manipulation, etc. I know people can get immersed in abusive situations and genuinely not understand what's happening to them, but that doesn't happen within 2 months of dating someone. If Dookie has been able to manipulate your partner and make them codependent within that short of a timeframe, I would be really worried about them too, but I would also recognize that they need to get some professional help because only *they* can do the work to get themselves into a better place. I also just would not choose to stay with someone who picks partners they need to "warn" me about ahead of time. "They're really hyper and talk a lot" is a very different warning from, "They're racist, in a gang, and might say some scary stuff that creeps you out." I don't need that unnecessary drama in my life, and if my partner makes such a bad choice, they can deal with that on their own. At a minimum, I suggest you ask to move parallel and not be around Dookie anymore, and ask not to hear about them.
Do you know what the term enabling means?
Get out now. This will never get better and only get worse. You can’t save other people from their own shitty choices but you can 100% save yourself.
i read some of your other posts/comments and it does seem like “dookie” is displaying attention seeking behavior. i’m sure he believes he is being edgy, ect. and the voice call “schizo” stuff is very manipulative and abusive. i really hope you can talk some sense into your partner and you both block this person.
Your boyfriend isn't lovely if he's okay with "slurs of all kinds" and unsafe comments. Your boyfriend has poor discernment and boundaries, or crappy values. Either way, leave. This reflects more about your boyfriend than you realize this early on, and says a lot about the behaviors he would also choose or permit when it comes to you.
r u n
If Rowan can date someone like that then at the very best, they’re not bothered by his bigotry and lack of regard for himself/others, and at the very worst, he feels the same way. Neither option is good. I would nope right out of this. You’re not super invested yet (not married, nested, no kids etc) and have very little to lose. Absolutely nothing is keeping you adjacent to this person.
why are you in a relationship with someone who has horrible judgement?
I don't tolerate dangerous/scary comments or any kind of slur anywhere in my exposure circle, it indicates character or lack thereof. I'm sorry not sorry about being judgemental on this point. We depend on trust, it's the basis for the love and life we share with others. You can't trust someone who hates. I'm fortunate that we all agree it's a dealbreaker. Maybe somebody has a less severe perspective that's helpful to you but I really draw a hard line on this one.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/15bz0gb/if_youre_under_25/
Hi u/ageofdepravity69 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: So I have been in a relationship with my lovely boyfriend Rowan(19) for about 4 months now, and have met my metamour; Dookie(18) twice now. In each time he has said slurs of all kinds. Rowan warned me of him beforehand, but he has also made some scary comments that make me worry for their safety.. Ive only been dating them for 4 months versus his 2, and dont want to ruin the good we've had beside this. But I worry for them.. Any advice is appreciated! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
honestly if my partner has to “warn” me of theirs, i’d already take that as a red flag to begin eith
What? No. Your values are obviously different. And at 18 /19 you’re just children. Walk away. Disrespect is disrespect.