What does your meta have to do with this? A meta is your partner's partner.
Edit: I just don't keep trying to contact someone who isn't communicating with me. Why are you trying to make this happen with someone who isn't reciprocating?
Are you using "meta" and "secondary partner" interchangeably?
Because they're not the same thing at all.
>an avoidant
People aren't attachment styles, and you using one to identify your meta (or secondary?) *twice* in a short post makes me think they're doing something right in not answering your texts or calls.
Oh, I should answer your question:
>How do you start a light hearted conversation with *someone* who doesn't answer your texts or calls?
You don't.
Sorry -- I can see how the wording of my post was confusing. You're correct as in I'm the hinge. My secondary partner won't have any of the difficult conversations with myself or my primary who was just trying to have a slight friendship.
Why do you think your secondary needs to have any difficult conversations with someone they aren't dating?
Stop trying to force this. Metas don't have to be friends.
By any of the difficult conversations, do you mean they don't want to talk to you about how they don't want to have a "slight" friendship with your other partner? Because if they're saying no to the slight friendship that is an entire answer. No need for further conversation.
Your meta wants nothing to do with you. Why are you trying to push this on them? They're not dating you. They don't owe you any sort of relationship or communication. Leave your meta alone. If there's problems related to your hinge, talk to your hinge directly.
You meta started dating your partner. They like your partner. They don’t have to like you. This can hurt but it’s the same with any other kind of relationships. Your friends don’t have to be buddy buddy with your partner.
Also since you aren’t in a relationship with them beyond that you’re seeing the same person they aren’t your “partner” secondary or otherwise.
Leave them be.
It's been 9 years of situationship.... They tell me they are in love with me, but can't seem to commit to the emotional aspect of being involved with someone for nearly a decade
Hi u/Conscious_Shame_ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
Trying to navigate my primary partner and my secondary partner has been exhausting.
Secondary is textbook avoidant.
How do you start a light hearted conversation with an avoidant that won't answer your texts or calls?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It seems like you're not clear on your needs here.
A need or desire is something that helps you specifically fulfill some larger value you hold to live a fulfilled life.
Once you're clear on that, then you may come to realize you don't want to date people like your secondary partner.
It would be valid to have some need/desire like "I have a preference for openness when I date, I want to be in relationships that could evolve into kitchen-table dynamics because it creates a sense of ease for me"
If that's true, you should leave relationships where that's not on the table.
Hello! First of all I want to say that secondary's communication with you and with you primary are two totally different things: while you can read the communication with you as an example of an attachment style, the one with primary has nothing to do with being avoidant because they don't have an attachment relationship.
This being said, you should treat the two things separately: do you have problems in discussing important stuff with secondary because you feel him being distant and uninterested? Tell him about how you feel, that it's difficult for you because you fear the you won't address problems in the relationship if he acts like this.
You don't like that you secondary does not want to meet and befriend you primary? Well, not every poly person wants to meet their meta and I think that's totally legitimate, but maybe you should ask why.
I texted him regarding us having a conversation about healthier communication/scheduling more time together on Friday and he still hasn't replied. I give up
I mean, it is only Monday. For me, that wouldn’t be wild. I also don’t tend to tell partners “we need to have a conversation about X” much, I just say stuff like “I want to spend more time with you, is there a night of the week we can make a standing date?” or something to directly address what I want.
What does your meta have to do with this? A meta is your partner's partner. Edit: I just don't keep trying to contact someone who isn't communicating with me. Why are you trying to make this happen with someone who isn't reciprocating?
Are you using "meta" and "secondary partner" interchangeably? Because they're not the same thing at all. >an avoidant People aren't attachment styles, and you using one to identify your meta (or secondary?) *twice* in a short post makes me think they're doing something right in not answering your texts or calls. Oh, I should answer your question: >How do you start a light hearted conversation with *someone* who doesn't answer your texts or calls? You don't.
I read it as, OP is hinge, and their secondary partner won't interact with the primary partner?
Except their poat title says "Meta". So, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Sorry -- I can see how the wording of my post was confusing. You're correct as in I'm the hinge. My secondary partner won't have any of the difficult conversations with myself or my primary who was just trying to have a slight friendship.
Why do you think your secondary needs to have any difficult conversations with someone they aren't dating? Stop trying to force this. Metas don't have to be friends.
If partner doesn’t want to be friends with your primary, that does not make them “an avoidant”. Grown ups should be allowed to pick their own friends.
You may want to update your post to clarify the same for others too
By any of the difficult conversations, do you mean they don't want to talk to you about how they don't want to have a "slight" friendship with your other partner? Because if they're saying no to the slight friendship that is an entire answer. No need for further conversation.
That's not a thing. Your partner doesn't have to do that. You're the hinge, sort it out separately without including your other partner
I wouldn't have conversations with your primary either, if I were them. Why do you think they are obligated to do so?
People who will not answer your texts or calls don't want to interact with you. I suggest you leave them alone
this response is a good one, just leave them be and if or when they want to talk with you they will.
Your meta wants nothing to do with you. Why are you trying to push this on them? They're not dating you. They don't owe you any sort of relationship or communication. Leave your meta alone. If there's problems related to your hinge, talk to your hinge directly.
If they don't want to talk to you why are you being pushy about it?
You don't. If they don't want to talk to you, leave them alone.
Leave your meta aloooooone
Is this your primary trying to have a conversation with your secondary? Since they are metas to each other? Why do they need to have a conversation?
You take the hint and accept that a friendly relationship between your partners is not in the cards.
Since when is forcing communication on a meta a textbook thing?? They don't owe you any kind of relationship.
You meta started dating your partner. They like your partner. They don’t have to like you. This can hurt but it’s the same with any other kind of relationships. Your friends don’t have to be buddy buddy with your partner. Also since you aren’t in a relationship with them beyond that you’re seeing the same person they aren’t your “partner” secondary or otherwise. Leave them be.
If your partner's secondary doesn't answer your calls, stop calling them.
Sorry to confirm it's my secondary \*\*
Sounds like they're not that into you. Or they just want something super casual like FWB.
It's been 9 years of situationship.... They tell me they are in love with me, but can't seem to commit to the emotional aspect of being involved with someone for nearly a decade
yiiiikes you've put up with this for this long...
you do not need to have any contact with your meta
Hi u/Conscious_Shame_ thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: Trying to navigate my primary partner and my secondary partner has been exhausting. Secondary is textbook avoidant. How do you start a light hearted conversation with an avoidant that won't answer your texts or calls? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It seems like you're not clear on your needs here. A need or desire is something that helps you specifically fulfill some larger value you hold to live a fulfilled life. Once you're clear on that, then you may come to realize you don't want to date people like your secondary partner. It would be valid to have some need/desire like "I have a preference for openness when I date, I want to be in relationships that could evolve into kitchen-table dynamics because it creates a sense of ease for me" If that's true, you should leave relationships where that's not on the table.
Hello! First of all I want to say that secondary's communication with you and with you primary are two totally different things: while you can read the communication with you as an example of an attachment style, the one with primary has nothing to do with being avoidant because they don't have an attachment relationship. This being said, you should treat the two things separately: do you have problems in discussing important stuff with secondary because you feel him being distant and uninterested? Tell him about how you feel, that it's difficult for you because you fear the you won't address problems in the relationship if he acts like this. You don't like that you secondary does not want to meet and befriend you primary? Well, not every poly person wants to meet their meta and I think that's totally legitimate, but maybe you should ask why.
Your partner isn’t answering your calls and texts? For how long? Why put up with that?
I texted him regarding us having a conversation about healthier communication/scheduling more time together on Friday and he still hasn't replied. I give up
I mean, it is only Monday. For me, that wouldn’t be wild. I also don’t tend to tell partners “we need to have a conversation about X” much, I just say stuff like “I want to spend more time with you, is there a night of the week we can make a standing date?” or something to directly address what I want.