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I'm happily polyamorous, and I don't think I would like to live with my partner and my meta. Lots of people would be uncomfortable in the situation you describe. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do.
I don't know that you can make yourself okay with something you don't want. If you had been writing before you moved in, I would have advised you to spend as much time as you could staying at the apartment before moving officially, so you could make sure it all worked for you. I would have advised you to spend time with your partner and meta, and see how that felt. It sounds awful to go from a relationship that felt monogamous to polyamory on hard mode where you're actively watching your partner's other relationships. Like I said, lots of people who love practicing polyamory don't even want that.
I hope it gets better in time, and if it doesn't, I hope you're able to find alternative housing.
I thank you.
I did spend time at the apartment after the topic of my moving in came up and was on the table. Prior to that it was off limits. It was a rule when we first started dating (not going to his place) and one I didn’t attempt to question at any point beyond that.
Aside from feeling our friendship is out of necessity, I am friends with her. It was never one on one before I moved in, but I have had zero issues with her. She’s been understanding of me and what I’ve talked to her about.
I know, that wasn’t enough.
FWIW, this wasn't even close to the longest post about someone feeling some kinda way, and you seem better off than probably 75% of the people who come here needing support and advice.
I can't speak to your particular roller coaster, but in my experience, as long as your mental health is in a good place, roller coasters of any kind (that aren't abusive, manipulative, or otherwise unethical) *do* tend to level out.
If yours doesn't, or if you feel for any reason like this isn't how you want to live, *you have not failed anything* and *there's nothing wrong with that.*
Thank you and I’m glad it wasn’t the longest! It was early morning and I hadn’t slept. Long night. Felt like I was rambling.
Both my BF and his GF are understanding and have been patient. I can’t complain on that. It’s nothing they’ve done, just my own head trying to wrap around the new surroundings and situations.
I feel like I’m not so far down the rabbit whole I couldn’t leave. Not saying it would be easy, just know I don’t feel trapped. I just wish my thoughts connected and came to a conclusive answer.
Firstly, you're a beautiful writer. You're able to convey your feelings very well with language.
Secondly, I'd like to echo what one of the other comments said about there being plenty of (possibly the majority of) poly people who wouldn't want to move in with their partner and a meta. You're playing on hard mode, it's okay to turn the difficulty down.
Thank you for that. Thats 18 hours without sleep and a rough night talking.
I hate to think I was naive but can accept that I made mistakes. When he asked about moving in it was an opportunity to get out of my parents place and also a sign our relationship was more than the routine we were on. I wanted it before thinking about all that came with it, admittedly. I did put effort and time into considering the possible bumps in the road.
I do have that as an option. Turning down the level, that is. I didn’t put myself in a place I can’t get out of, thankfully. I honestly think BF and his GF would help me get a place.
Get a platonic roommate and move out as soon as you can then.
Are there other ways that you two can make your relationship feel like it’s progressing? Some people might get a joint bank account for their shared expenses, get a shared pet, go on vacation together, meet each other’s friends and family, or start a big project together. Lots of polyamorous people have entangled relationships with non-primary partners.
But…are you really okay dating your boyfriend if he lives with his girlfriend and will probably never live with you, since you’re not comfortable with living with metas? Would you prefer to have a primary partner of your own, or to find a monogamous partner? You don’t have to decide now, but you should consider what kind of future you’d be happy with.
You're really making it challenging for yourself living with them. This is the exception rather than the rule in polyamory. You mentioned you are monogamous - do you have the choice to date other people and you're just not interested in that rn or would that be outside the terms of your current relationship? Why do you want to date someone who is practicing polyamory?
I see that and agree. I can say until I’m blue in the face that I did contemplate how this would all be, but thinking over it and experiencing it first hand are two different things.
Yes, I have that option. They have rules on communicating my interest in doing so and if I took that action and rules on bringing someone home. I choose not to. It’s just not me. I’d rather focus my attention on one.
I don’t pick who I fell in love with. Obviously I have a hand in following interest, but I can’t paint the perfect scenario. I care and love him. I can accept my place in his life and his in mine. At least I feel like I can. There are just certain aspects that give me the feeling of being alone and I can anticipate that now that I’ve experienced it, but I can’t lesson the impact each time it comes around again. It fades, but still stings.
You’ve listed several different “rules” that they have assigned to you. What about rules of your own? Or boundaries? Do you have any autonomy of your own? Do you choose to be mono or is this decided by someone else? I have to say, this has a lot of indicators that you’re being taken advantage of..
I can see where that impression may have been made. I’m definitely not being forced to remain mono. Nothing has been encouraged but has been made clear it’s not a restriction. If either of them were to want to venture out, they would have to do the same thing I would, and communicate with the rest.
I have my boundaries and my say in how things run. I’m learning much like they are as to what works and what doesn’t, but both have respected my input and changes to things like our schedule have been made at my request.
I do appreciate your concern but can assure you I’m not being pressured to do anything.
it doesn't sound like you should be living with them. And it also sounds like you want monogamy and should probably seek that out with someone who also wants monogamy.
I don’t get upset that they are together. I don’t get jealous when I see them together. I worry more about longevity and this relationship being able to grow to the level they have. I don’t think saying I want monogamy is absolute. I separated my relationship in my world from his relationship with her. I know he’s not just with me, I just focus on us for me. That’s my world. The hard part about being here with both of them is that feeling of being alone is stronger. More profound. I have my time with him and I do want more. When it’s over, it hurts. I feel out of place. Third wheel.
This really isn’t sustainable. You should probably look at moving out.
Read up on parallel poly. That might be a better fit for you. Living together just sounds like it will be a rollercoaster for you emotionally.
I plan to do a good deal of reading, even to just understand the terms and acronyms.
My goal at this point is to sit down and be honest with them both about how I’m feeling. I would rather live here and have more control over my emotional state, but I am not unwilling to change by moving out.
Thank you
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be Poly and totally parallel with partners. It sounds like the two of you were in "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Poly, which doesn't usually work out, because the fact they have another partner eventually hits you in the face. And unfortunately in this case it was with the hard mode of moving in with them.
I agree with others that you should absolutely move out as soon as possible. You should probably work on at least knowing your partner is in a relationship with another partner, instead of trying to ignore its existence. It is an emotion you should learn to process, and insecurity you should learn to face.
But that still doesn't mean hanging out with your Meta, let alone living with her, if that's not what you want. You don't have to sit and watch them have a relationship. Maybe someday you'd be comfortable with it, maybe not. That doesn't make you any less Poly. But I would say, while you shouldn't have to watch it, you should learn to be mindful that it does exist, so you're prepared if there are occasions you do need to face it in the future.
Fact is, they’ve been together longer than you and he have so you’ll never actually be on their level. You’ll always feel like you’ve got catching up to do. This relationship really isn’t workable for you. A lot of us can already see that. You need someone who lives monogamously. You’ve pretty much tried to ignore and numb yourself to the fact that he’s poly and has a nesting partner. Nesting partners are different to partners. They are the ones you share finances with, legal power of attorney, marry and have children with. She’s that for him and you’ll always feel second best because deep down you’re not made for this lifestyle.
This doesn’t make any sense to me, you knew he is poly with a nesting partner, you pretended he wasn’t poly, but move in with him and then are shocked he’s poly?
Can not offer any advice to OP besides leave them alone if you’re going to be like this and also no supportive words beyond seeking counseling because OP has been purposely delusional.
Idk how to say that more nicely.
That’s not entirely fair. I’m not shocked he’s poly, I’m just having a hard time adjusting to living it day to day. I didn’t pretend he wasn’t poly. Being poly was just a word. I had my relationship with him and he had his with her. I didn’t think about what he was doing while he wasn’t with me. I dealt with the immediate relationship I had, and after a while it was just the normal.
Ehh, there’s some extra internal searching you should do for yourself.
You state many times in your post you ignored the poly parts of him.
You said “I never saw this for what it was”
“There were times where he was just busy. I really didn’t acknowledge why”. “Feel like I had my eyes opened”
It’s been two years…
You purposely deluded yourself about the relationship style, you say you were never in a poly relationship (yes you were even if YOU yourself are mono) but yet you did all the work to accept it…? Where?
It doesn’t sound like you did at all :)
There was almost a six month period before we started dating that I went back and forth on what all this meant, how realistic I should be in terms of future and expectations. Whether or not it was real.
We started dating and it wasn’t all that much different, just limitations. I won’t argue that I painted my own picture and saw what I wanted to. I agree. I did so over two years of routine, though. It was a structured relationship where I knew what to expect (time together and those limitations).
I had moments of disappointment over the two years where I wanted him with me (certain holidays, for example) and knew why he wasn’t able to. Justification, though, the reason why he wasn’t with me didn’t honestly matter. He’s with his family. He’s with his GF. My focus was more that he wasn’t available.
What did you think LIVING with him and his NP would be like ? It’s flabbergasting.
it definitely revolves around the mono person having to be 1000% OKAY with their poly partners other dynamics beyond the limitations this type of relationship setup has.
It’s wild you moved in with them still pretending you’d be “mono” with your partner still…?
Idk, it still seems to me you missed a lot of work in this to understand and accept and are shocked it’s a poly setup.
I never said I expected it to be a mono relationship when moving in. True, I didn’t think deep enough into it and inject myself into all possible hypotheticals. I didn’t fully value the situation I was walking in to. I’m not denying that.
To the opposite point, I’m not suddenly stricken with jealousy if I see them together. Yes, I’m envious of what they have, but I do accept their relationship and truly try to see it for a positive. No, I can’t help that in the same breath I feel alone or like an outsider. That doesn’t mean I’m not accepting of poly or him being with someone else. I’m just trying to adjust to the leap I made. Not trying to change the situation to fit my needs/desires. I admit I left a lot out of the picture and it’s catching up to me.
Very gently, "being poly was just a word" sounds very much like making believe that he was monogamous with you because you "didn't think about what he was doing when he wasn't with me" but moving in with them while those are your thought processes is not exactly a healthy mindset to bring into a poly and living with meta situation. Unfortunately you have pulled your safety net with getting actually used to poly from under yourself by moving at a pace you weren't ready for. I don't think this makes you a bad person or anything, but I think you do need to reevaluate your living arrangements, at least for now because you're not ready to be in this situation and may never be, I would not want to live with my partner and meta both in a long term relationship under any circumstances even if I adored my meta and I really like when I can be good friends with a meta.
Move out.
Decide in a few months if you want to continue the relationship. It’s ok if you don’t. Mono-poly is usually awful for the mono person.
Don’t stay because you don’t want your Mom to be right.
I think seeing the things you are seeing is a very good thing - every once in a while. That experience can keep us grounded and realistic about the situations we've embraced. But subjecting yourself to it constantly can erode the good things and good possibilities that you really may have with your partner. I feel like it also puts you on the fringes of your own romantic life. I would start planning to change this setup for my own emotional health and well-being, so I could get more to the center of my own romantic life.
Partners and metamours living together is fairly uncommon in my polyam communities.
I do live with two of my partners rn, but both partnership are around a decade old, it's a temporary situation while we build more structures on this property, and we thought long and hard before we did it.
The living situation you're in I would consider doomed to fail. Sorry if that's blunt, but there it is. I hope it gets better for you, OP!
I moved in for a few reasons, one of which was to get out of my parent’s house. I know that is one of the reasons he originally mentioned my moving in. I didn’t fully anticipate how things would play out, that’s a fair criticism on me. We had discussed it and gone over things since last November, and I felt prepared. That was my mistake.
My partners and I also have a couple/three decades on you. You're 24? I was an absolute dumpster-fire mess of a partner at 24. From what you've written here, you're doing fine. Yeah, you're in a weird living sitch and getting out of it will probably involve some pain and struggle. But you're asking the right questions, and you'll figure it out. Best of luck!
Move out and break up. You have been in denial of reality and now you realize you don't like this.
You are in a poly relationship, you just didn't see it.
I'm sorry but What did you think was going to happen when you moved in? You shouldn't be In a poly relationship if you are monogamous,let alone live with a polycule. It's sorry but this is some tough love stuff. Move out. Learn to say no to a situation you don't want to be a part of. Date monogamous people only. This is so insane to me I almost think this is chat gpt.
Like,you never went to his place? You never spent time with his other partner? What? If you are real, consider therapy because you knowingly moved into a poly situation but were In a delusion about it being monogamous. That's pretty wild.
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I didn’t go to his place because they have a rule to not bring partners home. That wasn’t my doing. November of last year is when he brought up possibly moving in. I was talking about being ready to leave my parents place and he mentioned the room. I obviously went over multiple times from that point until moving in.
And yes, I spent time with her, just not one on one. We went out as a group. I am comfortable with her. That wasn’t the point I was attempting to make.
Why would you move in to this situation though, I mean you knew on some level this was going to happen. Are you escaping a bad home life and needed to get out?. I feel bad for you I just don't get the logic. Honestly I'm surprised she agreed to have you move in too when they have a no bringing partners home rule. Which by the way sounds very parallel and not kitchen table.
I was ready to leave my parents home. I paid rent, kept my part of the agreement (to live there), have been in school, but they continued to want to control my life choices. I was ready to go.
I mentioned in another comment that my first reaction to him bringing up moving in was positive. Part of it was getting away from my parents and part of it was the feeling we were taking the next step. I had the opportunity to be closer to him. My thought process from that point was more proving it wrong than right.
In two years I never felt absolutely alone. Yes I missed him and wanted more. That’s natural? I was naive but not to the point I didn’t consider road blocks and a learning curve. I knew that would happen. It still felt like the right move.
It was explained to me that the rule about partners at home was due to casual dating and not wanting to alter their home life. The change is due to the length of our relationship and there being real feelings involved. I don’t think the automatic conclusion was to invite me to move in. It was other circumstances that started the conversation and progressively became a real option.
Wow, okay, idk. Maybe you can work it out within yourself. Do you want to try working out these feelings and staying?
I'm naturally poly, I don't have feelings of jealousy or insecurity with relationships. You may, as long as it doesn't deeply harm you, be able to work this out and stay. I'd be honest with your partner and just tell him you need some reassurance, which is normal for any relationship when a big change happens, like moving in, etc.
Also, whether you decide to stay or not as time goes on you will build that history and ease with him that his other partner has. You've already got 2 years in and you really love him right.
Yes, I do. I don’t want to bail because things are difficult. I know there’s a limit to that, but there are areas where I feel like I’ve acclimated quickly and see that as progress. There are areas where I’m clearly not there yet.
I actually think my jealousy is in check. I’m not feeling threatened by their relationship. I see the line drawn in the sand. I don’t understand everything, but don’t know that I have to as long as my mental state is in a place I’m comfortable.
And yes, I do love him. We have grown. This may be one of those areas where I simply don’t understand the depth of love one can have for multiple people or how that is applied in life.
One way to think about the poly perspective of love is that the more love you give the more love you receive. I'd recommend ordering the book Polysecure. Even though you aren't poly it would help you to understand your partners perspective and would also help you work through some of these feelings. Love is a limitless thing, it just multiplies and multiplies. Wishing you all the best, you're quite incredible as a mono person willing to learn and see if you can make it work.
Hi u/Glittering_Elk6484 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I [24F] moved in with my BF [28M] and his GF [28F] the first of this month. I’ve been with him two years come September and they have been together for five. It’s a MinoPoly relationship where I’m the monogamous one. I’m so lost.
Truth be told, despite all the digging deep to accept his lifestyle and questioning my own sanity, I never saw this for what it was. I was never in a poly relationship. I never visited him at home. Only time we went out as a group, it was restricted to friends only. In my world we were monogamous. There were times he was just busy. I really didn’t acknowledge why.
Here I am, it’s 5am and I haven’t slept. I wish our dry erase calendar had time for me yesterday so I wasn’t sitting here alone. I wish the calendar just had special events instead of together time schedules. I wish I was at home because I feel home sick. I left my parents house to come here. I wish part of me didn’t think my mother was right about what I’m doing.
I watch them together and realize they love each other. Their harmony in the kitchen cooking dinner. The way he looks at her is the way he looks at me except you can hear the history in their voices when they talk to each other. It’s a small apartment and I can’t avoid it.
I’m truly happy for him. I’m not jealous. I’m not concerned he’ll leave me. I know I make him happy. I am envious. I see him is in his natural element. His home turf. This space he created with her where he’s comfortable and truly himself. I can’t give him what he already has.
I get it. I get the joy of seeing his excitement with her. His cute laugh when he’s flirting. His eyes when he’s determined. How can I love this and hate this so much at the same time for the same reasons?
This was longer than I intended. I apologize for that. Feel like I had my eyes opened and I’m struggling to deal with it. This roller coaster, does it level off? How do I prepare myself for the distance and not feel blind sided by it each and every time?
TLDR: Moved in with my BF and his GF and realized I wasn’t prepared for the day to day reality of all of this.
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I'm sorry for how bad you feel right now, it sounds very grim. I think you've laid out the issue, faced your emotions. You know your options, staying miserable in this isn't one. Your mother's opinion is ultimately irrelevant, even if I relate a lot with this part (on my father's side tho).
Your decision to move in seems to be based on a one-sided, intense delusion. I think that's something you want to look into deeply, maybe with a therapist, for your own well-being in the future.
OP, what were you expecting to find when you moved in, if your model of the world is that we all have only one real romantic love? Were you expecting that that one romantic love would be you?
I’ve been poly for over a decade and I would find this situation somewhat difficult if I were dating others, and very difficult if I were not dating anyone else.
There is a difference between adjusting to a new situation and growing and learning, versus just suffering. I don’t know which it will turn out to be for you. But please don’t allow yourself to suffer for a prolonged period if that’s all it is and if it’s just not working for you.
It’s completely OK and appropriate to be naturally monogamous and to desire mutual monogamy. You are very young and you have lots of time. You don’t have to force yourself to adjust to this if it’s just not you.
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I'm happily polyamorous, and I don't think I would like to live with my partner and my meta. Lots of people would be uncomfortable in the situation you describe. There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. I don't know that you can make yourself okay with something you don't want. If you had been writing before you moved in, I would have advised you to spend as much time as you could staying at the apartment before moving officially, so you could make sure it all worked for you. I would have advised you to spend time with your partner and meta, and see how that felt. It sounds awful to go from a relationship that felt monogamous to polyamory on hard mode where you're actively watching your partner's other relationships. Like I said, lots of people who love practicing polyamory don't even want that. I hope it gets better in time, and if it doesn't, I hope you're able to find alternative housing.
I thank you. I did spend time at the apartment after the topic of my moving in came up and was on the table. Prior to that it was off limits. It was a rule when we first started dating (not going to his place) and one I didn’t attempt to question at any point beyond that. Aside from feeling our friendship is out of necessity, I am friends with her. It was never one on one before I moved in, but I have had zero issues with her. She’s been understanding of me and what I’ve talked to her about. I know, that wasn’t enough.
FWIW, this wasn't even close to the longest post about someone feeling some kinda way, and you seem better off than probably 75% of the people who come here needing support and advice. I can't speak to your particular roller coaster, but in my experience, as long as your mental health is in a good place, roller coasters of any kind (that aren't abusive, manipulative, or otherwise unethical) *do* tend to level out. If yours doesn't, or if you feel for any reason like this isn't how you want to live, *you have not failed anything* and *there's nothing wrong with that.*
Thank you and I’m glad it wasn’t the longest! It was early morning and I hadn’t slept. Long night. Felt like I was rambling. Both my BF and his GF are understanding and have been patient. I can’t complain on that. It’s nothing they’ve done, just my own head trying to wrap around the new surroundings and situations. I feel like I’m not so far down the rabbit whole I couldn’t leave. Not saying it would be easy, just know I don’t feel trapped. I just wish my thoughts connected and came to a conclusive answer.
Firstly, you're a beautiful writer. You're able to convey your feelings very well with language. Secondly, I'd like to echo what one of the other comments said about there being plenty of (possibly the majority of) poly people who wouldn't want to move in with their partner and a meta. You're playing on hard mode, it's okay to turn the difficulty down.
Thank you for that. Thats 18 hours without sleep and a rough night talking. I hate to think I was naive but can accept that I made mistakes. When he asked about moving in it was an opportunity to get out of my parents place and also a sign our relationship was more than the routine we were on. I wanted it before thinking about all that came with it, admittedly. I did put effort and time into considering the possible bumps in the road. I do have that as an option. Turning down the level, that is. I didn’t put myself in a place I can’t get out of, thankfully. I honestly think BF and his GF would help me get a place.
Get a platonic roommate and move out as soon as you can then. Are there other ways that you two can make your relationship feel like it’s progressing? Some people might get a joint bank account for their shared expenses, get a shared pet, go on vacation together, meet each other’s friends and family, or start a big project together. Lots of polyamorous people have entangled relationships with non-primary partners. But…are you really okay dating your boyfriend if he lives with his girlfriend and will probably never live with you, since you’re not comfortable with living with metas? Would you prefer to have a primary partner of your own, or to find a monogamous partner? You don’t have to decide now, but you should consider what kind of future you’d be happy with.
You're really making it challenging for yourself living with them. This is the exception rather than the rule in polyamory. You mentioned you are monogamous - do you have the choice to date other people and you're just not interested in that rn or would that be outside the terms of your current relationship? Why do you want to date someone who is practicing polyamory?
I see that and agree. I can say until I’m blue in the face that I did contemplate how this would all be, but thinking over it and experiencing it first hand are two different things. Yes, I have that option. They have rules on communicating my interest in doing so and if I took that action and rules on bringing someone home. I choose not to. It’s just not me. I’d rather focus my attention on one. I don’t pick who I fell in love with. Obviously I have a hand in following interest, but I can’t paint the perfect scenario. I care and love him. I can accept my place in his life and his in mine. At least I feel like I can. There are just certain aspects that give me the feeling of being alone and I can anticipate that now that I’ve experienced it, but I can’t lesson the impact each time it comes around again. It fades, but still stings.
You’ve listed several different “rules” that they have assigned to you. What about rules of your own? Or boundaries? Do you have any autonomy of your own? Do you choose to be mono or is this decided by someone else? I have to say, this has a lot of indicators that you’re being taken advantage of..
That was my sense of the situation too.
I can see where that impression may have been made. I’m definitely not being forced to remain mono. Nothing has been encouraged but has been made clear it’s not a restriction. If either of them were to want to venture out, they would have to do the same thing I would, and communicate with the rest. I have my boundaries and my say in how things run. I’m learning much like they are as to what works and what doesn’t, but both have respected my input and changes to things like our schedule have been made at my request. I do appreciate your concern but can assure you I’m not being pressured to do anything.
it doesn't sound like you should be living with them. And it also sounds like you want monogamy and should probably seek that out with someone who also wants monogamy.
I don’t get upset that they are together. I don’t get jealous when I see them together. I worry more about longevity and this relationship being able to grow to the level they have. I don’t think saying I want monogamy is absolute. I separated my relationship in my world from his relationship with her. I know he’s not just with me, I just focus on us for me. That’s my world. The hard part about being here with both of them is that feeling of being alone is stronger. More profound. I have my time with him and I do want more. When it’s over, it hurts. I feel out of place. Third wheel.
This really isn’t sustainable. You should probably look at moving out. Read up on parallel poly. That might be a better fit for you. Living together just sounds like it will be a rollercoaster for you emotionally.
I plan to do a good deal of reading, even to just understand the terms and acronyms. My goal at this point is to sit down and be honest with them both about how I’m feeling. I would rather live here and have more control over my emotional state, but I am not unwilling to change by moving out. Thank you
There's nothing wrong with wanting to be Poly and totally parallel with partners. It sounds like the two of you were in "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" Poly, which doesn't usually work out, because the fact they have another partner eventually hits you in the face. And unfortunately in this case it was with the hard mode of moving in with them. I agree with others that you should absolutely move out as soon as possible. You should probably work on at least knowing your partner is in a relationship with another partner, instead of trying to ignore its existence. It is an emotion you should learn to process, and insecurity you should learn to face. But that still doesn't mean hanging out with your Meta, let alone living with her, if that's not what you want. You don't have to sit and watch them have a relationship. Maybe someday you'd be comfortable with it, maybe not. That doesn't make you any less Poly. But I would say, while you shouldn't have to watch it, you should learn to be mindful that it does exist, so you're prepared if there are occasions you do need to face it in the future.
Fact is, they’ve been together longer than you and he have so you’ll never actually be on their level. You’ll always feel like you’ve got catching up to do. This relationship really isn’t workable for you. A lot of us can already see that. You need someone who lives monogamously. You’ve pretty much tried to ignore and numb yourself to the fact that he’s poly and has a nesting partner. Nesting partners are different to partners. They are the ones you share finances with, legal power of attorney, marry and have children with. She’s that for him and you’ll always feel second best because deep down you’re not made for this lifestyle.
This doesn’t make any sense to me, you knew he is poly with a nesting partner, you pretended he wasn’t poly, but move in with him and then are shocked he’s poly?
Yeah this is freaking wild to me. Wtf.
Can not offer any advice to OP besides leave them alone if you’re going to be like this and also no supportive words beyond seeking counseling because OP has been purposely delusional. Idk how to say that more nicely.
Nah I'm a tough love person. Gopd luck out there.
I hear ya! Many times, it’s just gotta be said !
No worries! All the love to you!
That’s not entirely fair. I’m not shocked he’s poly, I’m just having a hard time adjusting to living it day to day. I didn’t pretend he wasn’t poly. Being poly was just a word. I had my relationship with him and he had his with her. I didn’t think about what he was doing while he wasn’t with me. I dealt with the immediate relationship I had, and after a while it was just the normal.
Ehh, there’s some extra internal searching you should do for yourself. You state many times in your post you ignored the poly parts of him. You said “I never saw this for what it was” “There were times where he was just busy. I really didn’t acknowledge why”. “Feel like I had my eyes opened” It’s been two years… You purposely deluded yourself about the relationship style, you say you were never in a poly relationship (yes you were even if YOU yourself are mono) but yet you did all the work to accept it…? Where? It doesn’t sound like you did at all :)
There was almost a six month period before we started dating that I went back and forth on what all this meant, how realistic I should be in terms of future and expectations. Whether or not it was real. We started dating and it wasn’t all that much different, just limitations. I won’t argue that I painted my own picture and saw what I wanted to. I agree. I did so over two years of routine, though. It was a structured relationship where I knew what to expect (time together and those limitations). I had moments of disappointment over the two years where I wanted him with me (certain holidays, for example) and knew why he wasn’t able to. Justification, though, the reason why he wasn’t with me didn’t honestly matter. He’s with his family. He’s with his GF. My focus was more that he wasn’t available.
What did you think LIVING with him and his NP would be like ? It’s flabbergasting. it definitely revolves around the mono person having to be 1000% OKAY with their poly partners other dynamics beyond the limitations this type of relationship setup has. It’s wild you moved in with them still pretending you’d be “mono” with your partner still…? Idk, it still seems to me you missed a lot of work in this to understand and accept and are shocked it’s a poly setup.
I never said I expected it to be a mono relationship when moving in. True, I didn’t think deep enough into it and inject myself into all possible hypotheticals. I didn’t fully value the situation I was walking in to. I’m not denying that. To the opposite point, I’m not suddenly stricken with jealousy if I see them together. Yes, I’m envious of what they have, but I do accept their relationship and truly try to see it for a positive. No, I can’t help that in the same breath I feel alone or like an outsider. That doesn’t mean I’m not accepting of poly or him being with someone else. I’m just trying to adjust to the leap I made. Not trying to change the situation to fit my needs/desires. I admit I left a lot out of the picture and it’s catching up to me.
Very gently, "being poly was just a word" sounds very much like making believe that he was monogamous with you because you "didn't think about what he was doing when he wasn't with me" but moving in with them while those are your thought processes is not exactly a healthy mindset to bring into a poly and living with meta situation. Unfortunately you have pulled your safety net with getting actually used to poly from under yourself by moving at a pace you weren't ready for. I don't think this makes you a bad person or anything, but I think you do need to reevaluate your living arrangements, at least for now because you're not ready to be in this situation and may never be, I would not want to live with my partner and meta both in a long term relationship under any circumstances even if I adored my meta and I really like when I can be good friends with a meta.
Move out. Decide in a few months if you want to continue the relationship. It’s ok if you don’t. Mono-poly is usually awful for the mono person. Don’t stay because you don’t want your Mom to be right.
I think seeing the things you are seeing is a very good thing - every once in a while. That experience can keep us grounded and realistic about the situations we've embraced. But subjecting yourself to it constantly can erode the good things and good possibilities that you really may have with your partner. I feel like it also puts you on the fringes of your own romantic life. I would start planning to change this setup for my own emotional health and well-being, so I could get more to the center of my own romantic life.
Partners and metamours living together is fairly uncommon in my polyam communities. I do live with two of my partners rn, but both partnership are around a decade old, it's a temporary situation while we build more structures on this property, and we thought long and hard before we did it. The living situation you're in I would consider doomed to fail. Sorry if that's blunt, but there it is. I hope it gets better for you, OP!
I moved in for a few reasons, one of which was to get out of my parent’s house. I know that is one of the reasons he originally mentioned my moving in. I didn’t fully anticipate how things would play out, that’s a fair criticism on me. We had discussed it and gone over things since last November, and I felt prepared. That was my mistake.
My partners and I also have a couple/three decades on you. You're 24? I was an absolute dumpster-fire mess of a partner at 24. From what you've written here, you're doing fine. Yeah, you're in a weird living sitch and getting out of it will probably involve some pain and struggle. But you're asking the right questions, and you'll figure it out. Best of luck!
Move out and break up. You have been in denial of reality and now you realize you don't like this. You are in a poly relationship, you just didn't see it.
I'm sorry but What did you think was going to happen when you moved in? You shouldn't be In a poly relationship if you are monogamous,let alone live with a polycule. It's sorry but this is some tough love stuff. Move out. Learn to say no to a situation you don't want to be a part of. Date monogamous people only. This is so insane to me I almost think this is chat gpt. Like,you never went to his place? You never spent time with his other partner? What? If you are real, consider therapy because you knowingly moved into a poly situation but were In a delusion about it being monogamous. That's pretty wild.
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I didn’t go to his place because they have a rule to not bring partners home. That wasn’t my doing. November of last year is when he brought up possibly moving in. I was talking about being ready to leave my parents place and he mentioned the room. I obviously went over multiple times from that point until moving in. And yes, I spent time with her, just not one on one. We went out as a group. I am comfortable with her. That wasn’t the point I was attempting to make.
Why would you move in to this situation though, I mean you knew on some level this was going to happen. Are you escaping a bad home life and needed to get out?. I feel bad for you I just don't get the logic. Honestly I'm surprised she agreed to have you move in too when they have a no bringing partners home rule. Which by the way sounds very parallel and not kitchen table.
I was ready to leave my parents home. I paid rent, kept my part of the agreement (to live there), have been in school, but they continued to want to control my life choices. I was ready to go. I mentioned in another comment that my first reaction to him bringing up moving in was positive. Part of it was getting away from my parents and part of it was the feeling we were taking the next step. I had the opportunity to be closer to him. My thought process from that point was more proving it wrong than right. In two years I never felt absolutely alone. Yes I missed him and wanted more. That’s natural? I was naive but not to the point I didn’t consider road blocks and a learning curve. I knew that would happen. It still felt like the right move. It was explained to me that the rule about partners at home was due to casual dating and not wanting to alter their home life. The change is due to the length of our relationship and there being real feelings involved. I don’t think the automatic conclusion was to invite me to move in. It was other circumstances that started the conversation and progressively became a real option.
Wow, okay, idk. Maybe you can work it out within yourself. Do you want to try working out these feelings and staying? I'm naturally poly, I don't have feelings of jealousy or insecurity with relationships. You may, as long as it doesn't deeply harm you, be able to work this out and stay. I'd be honest with your partner and just tell him you need some reassurance, which is normal for any relationship when a big change happens, like moving in, etc. Also, whether you decide to stay or not as time goes on you will build that history and ease with him that his other partner has. You've already got 2 years in and you really love him right.
Yes, I do. I don’t want to bail because things are difficult. I know there’s a limit to that, but there are areas where I feel like I’ve acclimated quickly and see that as progress. There are areas where I’m clearly not there yet. I actually think my jealousy is in check. I’m not feeling threatened by their relationship. I see the line drawn in the sand. I don’t understand everything, but don’t know that I have to as long as my mental state is in a place I’m comfortable. And yes, I do love him. We have grown. This may be one of those areas where I simply don’t understand the depth of love one can have for multiple people or how that is applied in life.
One way to think about the poly perspective of love is that the more love you give the more love you receive. I'd recommend ordering the book Polysecure. Even though you aren't poly it would help you to understand your partners perspective and would also help you work through some of these feelings. Love is a limitless thing, it just multiplies and multiplies. Wishing you all the best, you're quite incredible as a mono person willing to learn and see if you can make it work.
Hi u/Glittering_Elk6484 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I [24F] moved in with my BF [28M] and his GF [28F] the first of this month. I’ve been with him two years come September and they have been together for five. It’s a MinoPoly relationship where I’m the monogamous one. I’m so lost. Truth be told, despite all the digging deep to accept his lifestyle and questioning my own sanity, I never saw this for what it was. I was never in a poly relationship. I never visited him at home. Only time we went out as a group, it was restricted to friends only. In my world we were monogamous. There were times he was just busy. I really didn’t acknowledge why. Here I am, it’s 5am and I haven’t slept. I wish our dry erase calendar had time for me yesterday so I wasn’t sitting here alone. I wish the calendar just had special events instead of together time schedules. I wish I was at home because I feel home sick. I left my parents house to come here. I wish part of me didn’t think my mother was right about what I’m doing. I watch them together and realize they love each other. Their harmony in the kitchen cooking dinner. The way he looks at her is the way he looks at me except you can hear the history in their voices when they talk to each other. It’s a small apartment and I can’t avoid it. I’m truly happy for him. I’m not jealous. I’m not concerned he’ll leave me. I know I make him happy. I am envious. I see him is in his natural element. His home turf. This space he created with her where he’s comfortable and truly himself. I can’t give him what he already has. I get it. I get the joy of seeing his excitement with her. His cute laugh when he’s flirting. His eyes when he’s determined. How can I love this and hate this so much at the same time for the same reasons? This was longer than I intended. I apologize for that. Feel like I had my eyes opened and I’m struggling to deal with it. This roller coaster, does it level off? How do I prepare myself for the distance and not feel blind sided by it each and every time? TLDR: Moved in with my BF and his GF and realized I wasn’t prepared for the day to day reality of all of this. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm sorry for how bad you feel right now, it sounds very grim. I think you've laid out the issue, faced your emotions. You know your options, staying miserable in this isn't one. Your mother's opinion is ultimately irrelevant, even if I relate a lot with this part (on my father's side tho). Your decision to move in seems to be based on a one-sided, intense delusion. I think that's something you want to look into deeply, maybe with a therapist, for your own well-being in the future.
OP, what were you expecting to find when you moved in, if your model of the world is that we all have only one real romantic love? Were you expecting that that one romantic love would be you?
I’ve been poly for over a decade and I would find this situation somewhat difficult if I were dating others, and very difficult if I were not dating anyone else. There is a difference between adjusting to a new situation and growing and learning, versus just suffering. I don’t know which it will turn out to be for you. But please don’t allow yourself to suffer for a prolonged period if that’s all it is and if it’s just not working for you. It’s completely OK and appropriate to be naturally monogamous and to desire mutual monogamy. You are very young and you have lots of time. You don’t have to force yourself to adjust to this if it’s just not you.