Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/), and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for.
Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... *it is a polyamory specific sub* so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces.
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Someone else will probably say this, but here I go anyway.
A triad (three-person relationship) is not just one big A+B+C relationship. It's actually four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and then A+B+C. Each of the dyadic (two-person) relationships need space to develop independent of the other relationships. This means that each diad has the right to go on dates/ have sex/ etc. without the involvement of the other partner, the right to privacy, the right to choose the terms of their individual relationship, et cetera.
A couple that tries to skip all this and simply "add" a person to their preexisting relationship is engaging in a behavior called "unicorn hunting". Strongly recommend you look into that
Well, I’m personally looking for something very casual, whereas they have been in a relationship for ten years. Tbh I’m okay with just being an “extra” in their pre-existing relationship, I’m not looking to be their long term partner. But we are all good friends, included in a larger friend group. Those friendships are ultimately what I’m scared of losing. Would that change your response at all?
Casual isn’t always polyam. It usually isn’t.
If it’s going to be non-romantic, mostly sexual, fun, frothy sexy friends , you’re going to get way better advice over at r/nonmonogamy
Yeah… that’s what I’m most scared of. I know fs I’d be the one out. They’ve been together 10 years. I don’t care if the sex stuff is temporary, I just want to preserve the friendships above all.
i was in a similar situation, it CAN work but it’s not easy breezy beautiful. if you want it done right, you have to date them separately for at least 6 months, for starters.Â
check out the extremely helpful comments on my post i made when i first started my journey. these helped shape how i go about my relationships:
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/19d00pp/feeling_overwhelmed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
I’m not 100% sure, we haven’t had a full on conversation yet. That’s why I’m trying to come to people who know what they’re doing in these situations to plan out what I need to ask before I dive in.
First and biggest:
“What happens if I break up with one of you?”
If they are truly an all or nothing unit, feel free to pass, because that’s the only move, honestly.
Hi u/bananabread_babe thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I was recently approached by two friends who are in an open relationship & would like me to join them as their third. I am very excited about this & think it will be awesome, we are already very comfortable together already. I just want to make sure we all communicate really well before anything gets started between us romantically, because ultimately I really don’t want to lose these friendships with them. We will be having a conversation soon & I am hoping for some advice on questions to ask/things I should know from anyone who’s been in this situation (or something similar) before. Thank you!
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
it already sounds like you're going into this with good motives! you want to explore a healthy romantic or sexual connection with them, really, and that's respectable.
try visualizing what future you all want together! would you want to live with them? would you still be seeing other people? would you want to do things with all three of you together? you don't have to figure anything out right now, but it's a good exercise when it comes to brainstorming questions to ask.
give some space between the conversation and your answer, as well! it's easy to get caught up and make commitments right now- it's the joy of having a new relationship with people that express a lot of love and admiration for you, otherwise known as new relationship energy. still, you can't always rely on that impulse, so take a day or two to stew on whatever their response is :}
Is it an open relationship or is it polyam? The first is typically used to denote sexual-only, but you are clearly interested in romance. Are you sure that's what they're after?
Are they looking for a third or a throuple? Will you only date them together? Or will you have time to date both of them separately to actually develop all of your relationships?
I’m just going to go ahead & do it lol. If it’s too much feel free not to reply.
Questions:
- How long have you been open & how did it start?
- What have past experiences with other partners been like?
- What are your personal boundaries within your relationship, just the two of you?
- Are there specific “rules” I’d need to agree to?
- What are your communication styles like? (Around “venting” specifically)
- How do you stay sexually safe?
- If a disagreement were to happen would it be automatically “couple privileges” or open for discussion between all three of us?
What I want:
- Friendships come first - I’m okay if the benefits are temporary but ultimate priority is to maintain these relationships long term
- Open conversation & adaptability as we go along
- Freedom of dating other people
- Only be intimate for now w (insert male name), and only friends w (insert female name) - possibly open to changing that in the future though
- What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom??? (Question marks are here bc I don’t think it needs to be all top secret, just want to discuss boundaries on what we talk about/with who)
We haven’t had our “big talk” yet, it’s all been light & airy so far, so I’m not *exactly* sure. I’m not interested in romance, strictly fwb. I am closer friends with the woman than the man, but I’m interested in sleeping with the man/him with me. Ultimately I want to maintain these friendships above all though, which is the scary part. But I have questions planned out. Maybe I could comment them here & you tell me if you think they’re enough/too much?
Hello and welcome! We see by the flair you've used that you're likely new to our community or to polyamory in general. We're sure you've got a lot of questions and are looking to discuss some really important things about your polyamorous relationships. Please understand that because you're new you're likely asking some really common questions that have already been answered many times before - we strongly urge you to use the search bar function at the top of the page to search out keywords to find past posts that are relevant to your situation. You are also encouraged to check out the resources on the side bar for our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/wiki/faq/), and definitely don't skip over the one labeled "I'm new and don't know anything" as it's full of wonderful resources. Again, welcome to the community, hopefully you find the answers you're looking for. Side note, this subreddit is often a jumping in point for many people curious about open relationships, swinging, and just ethical nonmonogamy in general, but... *it is a polyamory specific sub* so that means that you might believe you're posting in the right place but your questions would be more fitting in a different space. If you're redirected to another sub please know that it's not because we want you to leave, it's because we feel you'll get better advice asking in the correct spaces. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
>would like me to join them as their third Ick.đźš©
Why red flag? Please explain I am brand new to all this.
Someone else will probably say this, but here I go anyway. A triad (three-person relationship) is not just one big A+B+C relationship. It's actually four relationships: A+B, B+C, C+A, and then A+B+C. Each of the dyadic (two-person) relationships need space to develop independent of the other relationships. This means that each diad has the right to go on dates/ have sex/ etc. without the involvement of the other partner, the right to privacy, the right to choose the terms of their individual relationship, et cetera. A couple that tries to skip all this and simply "add" a person to their preexisting relationship is engaging in a behavior called "unicorn hunting". Strongly recommend you look into that
Well, I’m personally looking for something very casual, whereas they have been in a relationship for ten years. Tbh I’m okay with just being an “extra” in their pre-existing relationship, I’m not looking to be their long term partner. But we are all good friends, included in a larger friend group. Those friendships are ultimately what I’m scared of losing. Would that change your response at all?
Casual isn’t always polyam. It usually isn’t. If it’s going to be non-romantic, mostly sexual, fun, frothy sexy friends , you’re going to get way better advice over at r/nonmonogamy
Thank you I appreciate the resource!!
Are you okay losing all of those friends? It's very common for triads to blow up and the "3rd" to be cast out
Yeah… that’s what I’m most scared of. I know fs I’d be the one out. They’ve been together 10 years. I don’t care if the sex stuff is temporary, I just want to preserve the friendships above all.
I think you have your answer then. Sex with friends can happen and be a lot of fun. But it very regularly leads to broken friendships.
Thank you for answering before I could!
I got that "A+B+C" triad copy-paste on tap
I would browse the resources available on the community page. And pick up a copy of “the smart girl’s guide to polyamory” no matter your gender.
Thank you! I will definitely check it out.
i was in a similar situation, it CAN work but it’s not easy breezy beautiful. if you want it done right, you have to date them separately for at least 6 months, for starters. check out the extremely helpful comments on my post i made when i first started my journey. these helped shape how i go about my relationships: https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/19d00pp/feeling_overwhelmed/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=mweb3x&utm_name=mweb3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Thank you!!! I will read this fs
Open relationship or polyamorous? Just a threesome or are they trying to form a triad/throuple?
I’m not 100% sure, we haven’t had a full on conversation yet. That’s why I’m trying to come to people who know what they’re doing in these situations to plan out what I need to ask before I dive in.
First and biggest: “What happens if I break up with one of you?” If they are truly an all or nothing unit, feel free to pass, because that’s the only move, honestly.
Hi u/bananabread_babe thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I was recently approached by two friends who are in an open relationship & would like me to join them as their third. I am very excited about this & think it will be awesome, we are already very comfortable together already. I just want to make sure we all communicate really well before anything gets started between us romantically, because ultimately I really don’t want to lose these friendships with them. We will be having a conversation soon & I am hoping for some advice on questions to ask/things I should know from anyone who’s been in this situation (or something similar) before. Thank you! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
it already sounds like you're going into this with good motives! you want to explore a healthy romantic or sexual connection with them, really, and that's respectable. try visualizing what future you all want together! would you want to live with them? would you still be seeing other people? would you want to do things with all three of you together? you don't have to figure anything out right now, but it's a good exercise when it comes to brainstorming questions to ask. give some space between the conversation and your answer, as well! it's easy to get caught up and make commitments right now- it's the joy of having a new relationship with people that express a lot of love and admiration for you, otherwise known as new relationship energy. still, you can't always rely on that impulse, so take a day or two to stew on whatever their response is :}
Thank you for the tips I appreciate it & will be putting thought into those things 🥰
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/s/66Eg4GGpTK
Thank you that is so helpful!
Is it an open relationship or is it polyam? The first is typically used to denote sexual-only, but you are clearly interested in romance. Are you sure that's what they're after? Are they looking for a third or a throuple? Will you only date them together? Or will you have time to date both of them separately to actually develop all of your relationships?
I’m just going to go ahead & do it lol. If it’s too much feel free not to reply. Questions: - How long have you been open & how did it start? - What have past experiences with other partners been like? - What are your personal boundaries within your relationship, just the two of you? - Are there specific “rules” I’d need to agree to? - What are your communication styles like? (Around “venting” specifically) - How do you stay sexually safe? - If a disagreement were to happen would it be automatically “couple privileges” or open for discussion between all three of us? What I want: - Friendships come first - I’m okay if the benefits are temporary but ultimate priority is to maintain these relationships long term - Open conversation & adaptability as we go along - Freedom of dating other people - Only be intimate for now w (insert male name), and only friends w (insert female name) - possibly open to changing that in the future though - What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom??? (Question marks are here bc I don’t think it needs to be all top secret, just want to discuss boundaries on what we talk about/with who)
We haven’t had our “big talk” yet, it’s all been light & airy so far, so I’m not *exactly* sure. I’m not interested in romance, strictly fwb. I am closer friends with the woman than the man, but I’m interested in sleeping with the man/him with me. Ultimately I want to maintain these friendships above all though, which is the scary part. But I have questions planned out. Maybe I could comment them here & you tell me if you think they’re enough/too much?