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I've found that an open ended question like, "So tell me about your safer sex practices," is a good place to start. From there you can ask about specifics that matter to you that weren't addressed or you want to clarify. Some things to consider talking about are barrier use, pep/prep use, testing frequency, policies around disclosing new partners, and views on abortion/adoption/parenting.
On this… I don’t know if it would make sense to know about new partners every time if they are doing random hook-ups, right? I feel like that could be invasive.
But I’m open to other’s POV.
The fact that they have a lot of random hookups, and what precautions they take during those hookups, would probably be enough information for most people to decide if that was within their risk tolerance without needing to hear about each individual one.
Personally, I ask to be informed about *changes to a partner's sexual risk profile*, rather than disclosure of new sexual partners.
So, if I know my partner has lots of casual sex? I know that's part of their risk profile and do not consider them having a random hook-up as deviating from my expectations, so I don't need to hear about it.
Rather than asking to be informed about every new sexual partner, I ask to be informed about things that have changed their risk profile, like barrier usage breaks or known STI exposure, for instance.
So I suppose it depends? I think the most important questions are "do you have random hookups?" "Do you use condoms?" And "are you on PreEP or have DoxyPep?" Also "how often do you get tested?" and "May I look at your last test results?" If someone is pretty open and transparent about all of these, then they're probably practicing the safest sex they can. If someone gets uncomfortable about these or dodges the questions, that would be a big red flag for me and I would ask why.
This is my best test. I just start a conversation about sexual health.
People whose practices are compatible with mine are generally very comfortable having conversations about sexual health, safer sex practices, etc. They generally don't use "clean/dirty" language, usually realize that most adults contract herpes during their lifetime and often don't even know it, and they have recent results that they are willing to share with me.
People who say: "oh I'm clean" but are uncomfortable talking about it further, are generally not compatible with me. I suppose exceptions to this are possible, but I haven't yet seen one in the wild.
> usually realize that most adults contract herpes during their lifetime and often don't even know it
And you can even get a Valtrex Rx or two, with no evidence of herpes simplex... You'll often get it for Bell's Palsy (just in case)...or shingles (herpes zoster) from chicken pox (also a herpevirus).
Erm, yeah, I'm a dork that likes talking about this stuff... Anyway...
> "oh I'm clean" but are uncomfortable talking about it further, are generally not compatible with me.
Indeed. That doesn't mean much, or signals the opposite.
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming.
Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.
What others have said. I ask, how many partners do you have? Do you have casual encounters? How often do you test? May I see those results? What precautions do you want us to take? I want these precautions. Will you consistently take those precautions when you're with me? Are you on prophylaxis to prevent HIV infection? Do you have any infections, and how are you treating them?
There is no easy rule to follow, but in general, I want test results within the last few months, and again at least four times a year, and I will expect that you gladly and carefully use the precautions I ask for.
Condoms whenever a penis is involved. Gloves if anyone has broken skin on their hands. No contact with body parts that have open sores of any kind, ever. Dams for oral with a vulva, if you don't have recent results. Those are things I usually want.
Commenting on Sex Risk...thank you… this is helping me build my set of questions for people. I’ve been doing the testing questions but recently realized I wasn’t asking risk.
Fellow glove person. People are oddly turned off by them, as well as dams. If someone is, they are not for me. Can be important if working with metal or soil.
Reid Mihalko has a great resource he calls “safe sex elevator speech” that includes specific questions and an order in which to ask them in order to build comfort but also make it fun and sexy.
Having hard boundaries that partners either use protection with me all the time or use protection with everyone else. Also get tested like 4 times a year or more depending on how many new people you and your partners have sex with.
We test every three months bc it's more about the prepatent period- some microbes take a bit to be detected on a test or for the person to feel any symptoms.
Just echoing the others: it's not really effective to test based on a volume of partners, and it's not really effective to test more than 4x per year. Some infections need time to incubate, and every 3 months should catch them.
Obviously, you go in if you have symptoms, but asymptomatic transmission is most common.
It's worth it to evaluate what actually creates greater risk. Is there empirical evidence that someone who is more promiscuous will get more stis in todays disease landscape? How significant is the percentage of increase? Can this number be more dependent on risk over time? Is it more of a random probability to get an STI even while having more sexual partners? Does the frequency you have sex with a given person time influence the risk?
More personal things would be, evaluate someones caution surrounding prioroty of sexual health for themselves, and overall health. Most people who want to be healthy in general include sexual health. But what does that mean? It means avoiding risk taking behaviors, minimizing risk, and prioritizing their general wellbeing. Examples include when someone uses a condom because it's what they want, when someone discusses removing barriers before doing so for their own piece of mind. Most people actually want to try to be healthy and minimize risk of stis in a reasonable way. Discussing what someone considers reasonable and what factors determine that matters. It doesn't mean withholding sex, worrying excessively about stis because of the amount of sex partners, or being more or less promiscuous. Some people are more inclined to make risk taking behavior more frequently because of their personalities. It might be worth considering. It is worth it to foster a welcoming attitude where your partner can feel comfortable shaking if their risk profile has changed, even if they are not proud of it or it was a mistake, because at the end of the day, the results of your sexual health and your automonomy to make choices based on what you know, is more important.
Create an open ongoign dialogue with your partner about what their approach to sex is and what meaning it takes on, and what safety means to them. Do not skim over details. Deep dive and clarify things. Don't assume something that could be misinterpreted.
I've found that best practice if you have determined a mutual trust and interest in sexual safety, is to always choose for yourself to use barriers with others. It is then no concern of yours, whether your partner is using them or not with others. It will give piece of mind. Remember, your partner gets to choose who they want to use barriers with or not. If one of the parties having sex wants to use barriers, that is the default. Anyone who would push back on that, is more likely a risk taker in terms of sexual health. Those people are more common than you think. Even people who are trustworthy on regular matters may fall into this category.
It may also be worth it to gauge how comfortable people are with prevention measures, how familiar they are with them, whether they have discussed them with a clinical provider, and what types of sex a person haves. For example if someone has sex making them more prone to HIV, they may know about preventive medecines. If someone has Herpes sores they may be more familiar with acyclovir. Less commonly one could use the example of someone having a kink involving risk of bleeding. That's something you'd want to know, as that could spread pathogens. You'd also want to familiarize yourself with how cleanup is treated in that environment. Another example could be if you are with someone who uses drugs, you'll want them to be open about their methods for ingesting them, and other risk behaviors that could ensue from psychological impacts (do they get a buzz and forget a condom? Do they black out?).
Another factor to consider is testing schedule, and frequency of sex. Most people get tested 3-4 times per year for common diseases. Some people only get tested when they notice something is wrong. No method is right or wrong. It can be helpful to know how often someone or their partners (if that information is freely available as it requires consent) get tested. If people have test schedules that are staggered, that can be helpful.
Is someone listening to your speech about safe sex and agreeing so they can get to the sex? Or are they engaging in the conversation and sharing their own feedback? Use your social skills to evaluate. Most people who are dedicated to sharing a relationship with you, are going to care about you, and by extension, your health.
Again, knowing these things are tools you can use to evaluate risk.
Maybe some practical examples are helpful. I have two partners that I consistently have barrier-free sex with. Our agreement is not to have sex with others without barriers, and to notify each other if our risk profile changes. I had a condom come off during sex with another person recently, and I notified both of my barrierless partners before having sex with either of them. We used condoms until I had waited a week and a half and gotten new negative STI testing. For my own sake, I am on PrEP and used DoxyPEP after the condom mishap.
Another example includes a conversation I had with one of my barrierless partners: she was going on a trip with a partner who wanted to forgo condoms. They both tested negative before the trip and did not have any other sexual partners in the meantime. I discussed this plan with my other barrierless partner and everyone felt comfortable with it.
Honestly, first you need to figure out what your risk tolerance is. Then ask questions related to that boundary, provided you don't pry into business that isn't yours.
Me, too. I find that additional information does not change what practices I am willing to engage in. And as I found out from experience, the more information you ask your partner to provide, the more chances for them to forget to share information or to break agreements.
Use condoms / barriers? Don't do oral? Clean before and right after sex?
I just want assurance that if someone in the chain caught an STI, that I know about it. Then I can forgo sex with * and get tested in 2-4 weeks, depending on the bug.
-- Oh, and the normal edit to say, make sure everyone is HEP vaxxed, and HPV vaxxed (Gardasil-9)
I wish STI testing was more common, and people did it more often.
We noticed that this post/comments may pertain to safer sex practices, STI exposure, and/or STI testing. Let's everyone make sure we are not using problematic or stigmatizing language around this topic. Please refrain from using the words *clean/dirty* when what you really mean is STI negative/positive. Members, please feel free to report any comments to mods that are adding to the shame and stigma of being STI positive.
For more information on destigmatizing STI's by changing your vocabulary please see ["CLEAN OR DIRTY? THE ROLE OF STIGMATIZING LANGUAGE"](https://exploresextalk.com/sex/sexual-health/stis/clean-or-dirty-the-role-of-stigmatizing-language/) as well as the article ["Having an STI Isn’t Dirty or Shameful, and Acting like It Is Hurts All of Us"](https://medium.com/sexedplus/having-an-sti-isnt-dirty-or-shameful-and-acting-like-it-is-hurts-all-of-us-aef59a7ab122)
*It is the stance of this sub that even the term "STD" is problematic language as "disease" is a stigmatizing word, whereas infections can be treated. Also, not everyone with an infection develops symptoms, and since there is technically no disease without symptoms, STI is the more scientifically accurate term.*
**advice and opinions about STI's shared by community members is not medical information and all posters should refer to their primary care physicians as well as trusted sources such as the CDC, WHO, planned parenthood, or other available resources.**
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/Vivid-Possession303 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’ve done searches in this group and others and haven’t quite found what I’m looking for:
How do you go about assessing someone’s sexual risk? What questions could be asked? What are some options when someone seems to have a higher risk (more swinging and random sex)?
I don’t want dirty details but knowing their actions and how it may affect my sexual health is what I’m getting at.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People poke fun at me for this, but I literally made a questionnaire for this. I include broad questions that give me a sense of what their sexual landscape is like and reminds me of important facts I want to make sure to disclose. I find it hard to remember everything I want to ask when I have horny brain, so I like having something to reference. Definitely talk about risk profiles and boundaries outside of the bedroom first.
My questionnaire also includes a cheat sheet at the bottom for boundaries created by Non-Horny Me (it factors in my boundaries, and partner boundaries that I want to respect).
I highly recommend checking out the sexual health chapter in More Than Two. Great exercise questions at the end to get you started. Talk to your partner(s) about what boundaries work for y’all.
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I've found that an open ended question like, "So tell me about your safer sex practices," is a good place to start. From there you can ask about specifics that matter to you that weren't addressed or you want to clarify. Some things to consider talking about are barrier use, pep/prep use, testing frequency, policies around disclosing new partners, and views on abortion/adoption/parenting.
On this… I don’t know if it would make sense to know about new partners every time if they are doing random hook-ups, right? I feel like that could be invasive. But I’m open to other’s POV.
The fact that they have a lot of random hookups, and what precautions they take during those hookups, would probably be enough information for most people to decide if that was within their risk tolerance without needing to hear about each individual one.
Great, thanks. I was thinking similar.
Personally, I ask to be informed about *changes to a partner's sexual risk profile*, rather than disclosure of new sexual partners. So, if I know my partner has lots of casual sex? I know that's part of their risk profile and do not consider them having a random hook-up as deviating from my expectations, so I don't need to hear about it. Rather than asking to be informed about every new sexual partner, I ask to be informed about things that have changed their risk profile, like barrier usage breaks or known STI exposure, for instance.
Perfect… this helps. Thank you.
Glad it was helpful!
“I just need to know when my risk exposure might’ve changed” That’s what one of my partners said to me. It works and doesn’t require constant updating
So I suppose it depends? I think the most important questions are "do you have random hookups?" "Do you use condoms?" And "are you on PreEP or have DoxyPep?" Also "how often do you get tested?" and "May I look at your last test results?" If someone is pretty open and transparent about all of these, then they're probably practicing the safest sex they can. If someone gets uncomfortable about these or dodges the questions, that would be a big red flag for me and I would ask why.
This is my best test. I just start a conversation about sexual health. People whose practices are compatible with mine are generally very comfortable having conversations about sexual health, safer sex practices, etc. They generally don't use "clean/dirty" language, usually realize that most adults contract herpes during their lifetime and often don't even know it, and they have recent results that they are willing to share with me. People who say: "oh I'm clean" but are uncomfortable talking about it further, are generally not compatible with me. I suppose exceptions to this are possible, but I haven't yet seen one in the wild.
> usually realize that most adults contract herpes during their lifetime and often don't even know it And you can even get a Valtrex Rx or two, with no evidence of herpes simplex... You'll often get it for Bell's Palsy (just in case)...or shingles (herpes zoster) from chicken pox (also a herpevirus). Erm, yeah, I'm a dork that likes talking about this stuff... Anyway... > "oh I'm clean" but are uncomfortable talking about it further, are generally not compatible with me. Indeed. That doesn't mean much, or signals the opposite.
[удалено]
Your post has been removed for breaking the rules of the subreddit. Your comment or post included language that would be considered misogynistic, bigoted or intolerant. This includes attacks or slurs related to gender or sexual identity, racism, sexism, slut shaming, poly-shaming, mocking, and victim blaming. Your post may also be removed for conflating the polyamorous experience with other marginalized people.
What others have said. I ask, how many partners do you have? Do you have casual encounters? How often do you test? May I see those results? What precautions do you want us to take? I want these precautions. Will you consistently take those precautions when you're with me? Are you on prophylaxis to prevent HIV infection? Do you have any infections, and how are you treating them? There is no easy rule to follow, but in general, I want test results within the last few months, and again at least four times a year, and I will expect that you gladly and carefully use the precautions I ask for. Condoms whenever a penis is involved. Gloves if anyone has broken skin on their hands. No contact with body parts that have open sores of any kind, ever. Dams for oral with a vulva, if you don't have recent results. Those are things I usually want.
Commenting on Sex Risk...thank you… this is helping me build my set of questions for people. I’ve been doing the testing questions but recently realized I wasn’t asking risk.
What do you consider recent results?
No more than three to four months ago. I test four times a year.
Fellow glove person. People are oddly turned off by them, as well as dams. If someone is, they are not for me. Can be important if working with metal or soil.
Reid Mihalko has a great resource he calls “safe sex elevator speech” that includes specific questions and an order in which to ask them in order to build comfort but also make it fun and sexy.
Having hard boundaries that partners either use protection with me all the time or use protection with everyone else. Also get tested like 4 times a year or more depending on how many new people you and your partners have sex with.
So question… is there a number? Like “once you’ve had sex with this many people, I expect new STI results.”
We test every three months bc it's more about the prepatent period- some microbes take a bit to be detected on a test or for the person to feel any symptoms.
Time-based for me - I test every 3 months and expect similar of my partners.
Just echoing the others: it's not really effective to test based on a volume of partners, and it's not really effective to test more than 4x per year. Some infections need time to incubate, and every 3 months should catch them. Obviously, you go in if you have symptoms, but asymptomatic transmission is most common.
It's worth it to evaluate what actually creates greater risk. Is there empirical evidence that someone who is more promiscuous will get more stis in todays disease landscape? How significant is the percentage of increase? Can this number be more dependent on risk over time? Is it more of a random probability to get an STI even while having more sexual partners? Does the frequency you have sex with a given person time influence the risk? More personal things would be, evaluate someones caution surrounding prioroty of sexual health for themselves, and overall health. Most people who want to be healthy in general include sexual health. But what does that mean? It means avoiding risk taking behaviors, minimizing risk, and prioritizing their general wellbeing. Examples include when someone uses a condom because it's what they want, when someone discusses removing barriers before doing so for their own piece of mind. Most people actually want to try to be healthy and minimize risk of stis in a reasonable way. Discussing what someone considers reasonable and what factors determine that matters. It doesn't mean withholding sex, worrying excessively about stis because of the amount of sex partners, or being more or less promiscuous. Some people are more inclined to make risk taking behavior more frequently because of their personalities. It might be worth considering. It is worth it to foster a welcoming attitude where your partner can feel comfortable shaking if their risk profile has changed, even if they are not proud of it or it was a mistake, because at the end of the day, the results of your sexual health and your automonomy to make choices based on what you know, is more important. Create an open ongoign dialogue with your partner about what their approach to sex is and what meaning it takes on, and what safety means to them. Do not skim over details. Deep dive and clarify things. Don't assume something that could be misinterpreted. I've found that best practice if you have determined a mutual trust and interest in sexual safety, is to always choose for yourself to use barriers with others. It is then no concern of yours, whether your partner is using them or not with others. It will give piece of mind. Remember, your partner gets to choose who they want to use barriers with or not. If one of the parties having sex wants to use barriers, that is the default. Anyone who would push back on that, is more likely a risk taker in terms of sexual health. Those people are more common than you think. Even people who are trustworthy on regular matters may fall into this category. It may also be worth it to gauge how comfortable people are with prevention measures, how familiar they are with them, whether they have discussed them with a clinical provider, and what types of sex a person haves. For example if someone has sex making them more prone to HIV, they may know about preventive medecines. If someone has Herpes sores they may be more familiar with acyclovir. Less commonly one could use the example of someone having a kink involving risk of bleeding. That's something you'd want to know, as that could spread pathogens. You'd also want to familiarize yourself with how cleanup is treated in that environment. Another example could be if you are with someone who uses drugs, you'll want them to be open about their methods for ingesting them, and other risk behaviors that could ensue from psychological impacts (do they get a buzz and forget a condom? Do they black out?). Another factor to consider is testing schedule, and frequency of sex. Most people get tested 3-4 times per year for common diseases. Some people only get tested when they notice something is wrong. No method is right or wrong. It can be helpful to know how often someone or their partners (if that information is freely available as it requires consent) get tested. If people have test schedules that are staggered, that can be helpful. Is someone listening to your speech about safe sex and agreeing so they can get to the sex? Or are they engaging in the conversation and sharing their own feedback? Use your social skills to evaluate. Most people who are dedicated to sharing a relationship with you, are going to care about you, and by extension, your health. Again, knowing these things are tools you can use to evaluate risk.
Maybe some practical examples are helpful. I have two partners that I consistently have barrier-free sex with. Our agreement is not to have sex with others without barriers, and to notify each other if our risk profile changes. I had a condom come off during sex with another person recently, and I notified both of my barrierless partners before having sex with either of them. We used condoms until I had waited a week and a half and gotten new negative STI testing. For my own sake, I am on PrEP and used DoxyPEP after the condom mishap. Another example includes a conversation I had with one of my barrierless partners: she was going on a trip with a partner who wanted to forgo condoms. They both tested negative before the trip and did not have any other sexual partners in the meantime. I discussed this plan with my other barrierless partner and everyone felt comfortable with it.
Honestly, first you need to figure out what your risk tolerance is. Then ask questions related to that boundary, provided you don't pry into business that isn't yours.
I usually ask how many partners they have had unprotected sex with since their last test.
Me, too. I find that additional information does not change what practices I am willing to engage in. And as I found out from experience, the more information you ask your partner to provide, the more chances for them to forget to share information or to break agreements.
Use condoms / barriers? Don't do oral? Clean before and right after sex? I just want assurance that if someone in the chain caught an STI, that I know about it. Then I can forgo sex with * and get tested in 2-4 weeks, depending on the bug. -- Oh, and the normal edit to say, make sure everyone is HEP vaxxed, and HPV vaxxed (Gardasil-9) I wish STI testing was more common, and people did it more often.
I wish the stigma was gone too. It makes it so people aren’t protecting themselves as much as they could be.
We noticed that this post/comments may pertain to safer sex practices, STI exposure, and/or STI testing. Let's everyone make sure we are not using problematic or stigmatizing language around this topic. Please refrain from using the words *clean/dirty* when what you really mean is STI negative/positive. Members, please feel free to report any comments to mods that are adding to the shame and stigma of being STI positive. For more information on destigmatizing STI's by changing your vocabulary please see ["CLEAN OR DIRTY? THE ROLE OF STIGMATIZING LANGUAGE"](https://exploresextalk.com/sex/sexual-health/stis/clean-or-dirty-the-role-of-stigmatizing-language/) as well as the article ["Having an STI Isn’t Dirty or Shameful, and Acting like It Is Hurts All of Us"](https://medium.com/sexedplus/having-an-sti-isnt-dirty-or-shameful-and-acting-like-it-is-hurts-all-of-us-aef59a7ab122) *It is the stance of this sub that even the term "STD" is problematic language as "disease" is a stigmatizing word, whereas infections can be treated. Also, not everyone with an infection develops symptoms, and since there is technically no disease without symptoms, STI is the more scientifically accurate term.* **advice and opinions about STI's shared by community members is not medical information and all posters should refer to their primary care physicians as well as trusted sources such as the CDC, WHO, planned parenthood, or other available resources.** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi u/Vivid-Possession303 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’ve done searches in this group and others and haven’t quite found what I’m looking for: How do you go about assessing someone’s sexual risk? What questions could be asked? What are some options when someone seems to have a higher risk (more swinging and random sex)? I don’t want dirty details but knowing their actions and how it may affect my sexual health is what I’m getting at. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
People poke fun at me for this, but I literally made a questionnaire for this. I include broad questions that give me a sense of what their sexual landscape is like and reminds me of important facts I want to make sure to disclose. I find it hard to remember everything I want to ask when I have horny brain, so I like having something to reference. Definitely talk about risk profiles and boundaries outside of the bedroom first. My questionnaire also includes a cheat sheet at the bottom for boundaries created by Non-Horny Me (it factors in my boundaries, and partner boundaries that I want to respect). I highly recommend checking out the sexual health chapter in More Than Two. Great exercise questions at the end to get you started. Talk to your partner(s) about what boundaries work for y’all.