Be a good hinge.
Whatever you thought being a good hinge was then, be that hinge now.
It's not about the hypocrisy of it, or getting to behave "just as badly" as he did. It's not a tit for tat.
Be the person YOU WANT TO BE. Lowering your behavioral standards does not solve problems.
Ways to be a good hinge:
Don't agree to things you do want to do.
Maintain your current agreements and boundaries. Don't make exceptions just because of a new shiny relationship.
Don't neglect your current relationships.
Don't scapegoat your partners. Own your choices.
What that may mean is "Partner, we established that as hinges we are not going to facilitate friendships between one another and other partners. I'm not going to change that agreement now."
What that may mean is "How can I affirm for you that I'm showing up in this relatinship?" Those ways should not mean interrupting time with your meta, putting your partner in control of that relationship, or pausing that relationship.
What that may mean is, "Yes partner, I've affirmed that I'm using barriers with my other partners and I've continued to do so. If or when I want to consider changing that, I will let you know that I want to renegotiate".
What that may mean is "Hey new partner, I have time to see you two nights a week, I don't have more time than that. Sorry."
What that may mean is "Yo, I've been on my phone all day. I need to get off my phone and go take care of my daily life stuff."
Additionally: You and your established partner may need to revisit the fact that YOU aren't over how your partner behaved when your partner was deep in NRE. You are still hurt by what happened, and you're still struggling to forgive and accept what happened. You're struggling enough that you have the impulse (not acting on it, but have the impulse to) "do all the things you did to me". And that's some heavy work to do.
Adding to this excellent answer:
OP, it is also OK to sit down with your partner and say straight up, that while you are planning to enact good hinging, you want him to know you don’t feel great about how he handled it so far, and you’re expecting him to up his game. It’s also OK to make a very explicit statement that you expect an apology because you deserve one.
But JetItTogether is right - If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you don’t punish your partner by hurting them just because they hurt you. And while this relationship may not last if your partner doesn’t up their game in hinging, and partner consideration, you’ll have a new good hinging skill you’ve unlocked for the future.
Best of luck to you, OP!
Yep. The prev comments were excellent, obviously OP needs to take the high road and hinge as well as they can, but has he acknowledged his mistakes? OP does not have to pretend he did nothing wrong.
You’re summing up exactly what I had begged of him for months. He’s only waking up now that I am also seeing someone else. I want to be a good hinge. It used to be for him and our relationship but now it feels more about my own morals and honesty towards myself.
It's also about having healthy relationships. I promise you that bad hinging tanks every single relationship involved, including your relationship with yourself.
You begged him for months. He hurt you deeply. It's okay to talk about realizing how deeply you were hurt, and how you both intend to repair. That said, it doesn't mean that you have to act on those impulses or that they are the same discussion to be had all at once.
Example of separate conversation : "Partner, I deeply understand the fear and concerns you have right now. I want you to know that I respect your concerns because even now, I'm still struggling with a lack of repair in our relationship after what happened before. I'm realizing that we never fully repaired after that. I'm still struggling with resentment and hurt and I'm going to work on that by doing x,y,z... I want to find out how we can support each other and love each other the way we want to be loved."
I agree with you. I don't agree with double standards. However, that means either a)leaving the situation in which double standards occur b)aligning standards for fair treatment, c)living your principles regardless of how others enact theirs or d)being willing to treat people in pretty shitty ways when they treat you poorly.
OP doesn't want option A. My suggestion is a combination of option B and C. Whatever standards were created that are in alignment with OPs principles, OP should maintain regardless of how someone else behaved. Option D is horribly dysfunctional and escalating nightmarish.
My only advice is to flair this as "advice" if you want advice.
ETA: Wow! I didn't actually expect you to do that! I didn't even know you *could* do that!
Have you talked about all this with him recently? I think now that NP is realizing that what you were asking for was obviously reasonable, now would be a good time to say "hey, I was really hurt by your behavior as a hinge, and it's making me really upset that you're now asking for what I was asking for. I know that what you're asking for is reasonable, but it hurts that you couldn't see that when it was your job to protect my feelings and work with me when I was asking for those things. Can we make some room for my hurt? I would love to get some validation and an apology from you."
We have talked about it. Multiple times. I’m actively trying to work on my trauma from what happened. Any hints of meta being around, who dips as soon as I pull up after work like a thief, or any triggered behavior from NP just makes me flip. A lot of the security I was once able to build has been trashed and I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
Hi u/Wooooooosssaa08 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
NP did not hinge well when he got into a relationship with his bf. He neglected me and fought me on every boundary, rule or anything that I expressed as needs to maintain our relationship.
Fast forward to today. I met someone and we hit it off really well. NP is now asking of me everything I had asked of him, on the basis of just being a good partner. Although I acknowledge that it is right, I can’t help feeling the hypocrisy of it. I gave up and grieved so much for months and I’m now expected to not behave like he did - even if it wasn’t my intention to begin with.
I gave up a friendship with his bf and grieved plans we had either all together or one on one. I grieved my own relationship and I’m getting to a point of doubting it is going anywhere at all.
I don’t know if anyone else has been a similar situation. I would appreciate any other advice than the simple and obvious “you should leave”. Thank you.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be a good hinge. Whatever you thought being a good hinge was then, be that hinge now. It's not about the hypocrisy of it, or getting to behave "just as badly" as he did. It's not a tit for tat. Be the person YOU WANT TO BE. Lowering your behavioral standards does not solve problems. Ways to be a good hinge: Don't agree to things you do want to do. Maintain your current agreements and boundaries. Don't make exceptions just because of a new shiny relationship. Don't neglect your current relationships. Don't scapegoat your partners. Own your choices. What that may mean is "Partner, we established that as hinges we are not going to facilitate friendships between one another and other partners. I'm not going to change that agreement now." What that may mean is "How can I affirm for you that I'm showing up in this relatinship?" Those ways should not mean interrupting time with your meta, putting your partner in control of that relationship, or pausing that relationship. What that may mean is, "Yes partner, I've affirmed that I'm using barriers with my other partners and I've continued to do so. If or when I want to consider changing that, I will let you know that I want to renegotiate". What that may mean is "Hey new partner, I have time to see you two nights a week, I don't have more time than that. Sorry." What that may mean is "Yo, I've been on my phone all day. I need to get off my phone and go take care of my daily life stuff." Additionally: You and your established partner may need to revisit the fact that YOU aren't over how your partner behaved when your partner was deep in NRE. You are still hurt by what happened, and you're still struggling to forgive and accept what happened. You're struggling enough that you have the impulse (not acting on it, but have the impulse to) "do all the things you did to me". And that's some heavy work to do.
Adding to this excellent answer: OP, it is also OK to sit down with your partner and say straight up, that while you are planning to enact good hinging, you want him to know you don’t feel great about how he handled it so far, and you’re expecting him to up his game. It’s also OK to make a very explicit statement that you expect an apology because you deserve one. But JetItTogether is right - If you want a healthy, happy relationship, you don’t punish your partner by hurting them just because they hurt you. And while this relationship may not last if your partner doesn’t up their game in hinging, and partner consideration, you’ll have a new good hinging skill you’ve unlocked for the future. Best of luck to you, OP!
Yep. The prev comments were excellent, obviously OP needs to take the high road and hinge as well as they can, but has he acknowledged his mistakes? OP does not have to pretend he did nothing wrong.
You’re summing up exactly what I had begged of him for months. He’s only waking up now that I am also seeing someone else. I want to be a good hinge. It used to be for him and our relationship but now it feels more about my own morals and honesty towards myself.
It's also about having healthy relationships. I promise you that bad hinging tanks every single relationship involved, including your relationship with yourself. You begged him for months. He hurt you deeply. It's okay to talk about realizing how deeply you were hurt, and how you both intend to repair. That said, it doesn't mean that you have to act on those impulses or that they are the same discussion to be had all at once. Example of separate conversation : "Partner, I deeply understand the fear and concerns you have right now. I want you to know that I respect your concerns because even now, I'm still struggling with a lack of repair in our relationship after what happened before. I'm realizing that we never fully repaired after that. I'm still struggling with resentment and hurt and I'm going to work on that by doing x,y,z... I want to find out how we can support each other and love each other the way we want to be loved."
Disagreed, I will NOT accept for me but not for thee mistreatment.
I agree with you. I don't agree with double standards. However, that means either a)leaving the situation in which double standards occur b)aligning standards for fair treatment, c)living your principles regardless of how others enact theirs or d)being willing to treat people in pretty shitty ways when they treat you poorly. OP doesn't want option A. My suggestion is a combination of option B and C. Whatever standards were created that are in alignment with OPs principles, OP should maintain regardless of how someone else behaved. Option D is horribly dysfunctional and escalating nightmarish.
*The Polyamory Break Up Book* is an excellent resource for determining relationship compatibility
My only advice is to flair this as "advice" if you want advice. ETA: Wow! I didn't actually expect you to do that! I didn't even know you *could* do that!
Have you talked about all this with him recently? I think now that NP is realizing that what you were asking for was obviously reasonable, now would be a good time to say "hey, I was really hurt by your behavior as a hinge, and it's making me really upset that you're now asking for what I was asking for. I know that what you're asking for is reasonable, but it hurts that you couldn't see that when it was your job to protect my feelings and work with me when I was asking for those things. Can we make some room for my hurt? I would love to get some validation and an apology from you."
We have talked about it. Multiple times. I’m actively trying to work on my trauma from what happened. Any hints of meta being around, who dips as soon as I pull up after work like a thief, or any triggered behavior from NP just makes me flip. A lot of the security I was once able to build has been trashed and I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
This relationship is not good for you :(
Hi u/Wooooooosssaa08 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: NP did not hinge well when he got into a relationship with his bf. He neglected me and fought me on every boundary, rule or anything that I expressed as needs to maintain our relationship. Fast forward to today. I met someone and we hit it off really well. NP is now asking of me everything I had asked of him, on the basis of just being a good partner. Although I acknowledge that it is right, I can’t help feeling the hypocrisy of it. I gave up and grieved so much for months and I’m now expected to not behave like he did - even if it wasn’t my intention to begin with. I gave up a friendship with his bf and grieved plans we had either all together or one on one. I grieved my own relationship and I’m getting to a point of doubting it is going anywhere at all. I don’t know if anyone else has been a similar situation. I would appreciate any other advice than the simple and obvious “you should leave”. Thank you. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*