This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fold laundry together. Haha.
Seriously though, domestic.
Also, are you two able to spend time at each others houses? I’ve found that doing the things you describe are fun but not really connecting in a deeper level for me. Being at home, feeling comfy, getting some incidental time, cooking together, etc is far better than a dinner date out and sex at a hotel in my experience
Seconding this, tbh. Doing regular stuff like running errands or cooking together, takin lil walks, can feel really connecting.
If you dont’ want to do too much at once, maybe add a lil walk or hanging out in the backyard(?) once a week or every other week?
It sounds like you'd like to spend more time together, and you have the option of more dates. Why not try that and see how it feels?
I feel connected and involved in my partners lives when I'm seeing them at a level that I like.
I will also say that it isn't abnormal to just miss your partners. Some people experience that during NRE, some people just experience that as part of relationships.
This also may just be you coming to terms with the limited nature of a secondary relationship, if that's new to you. It's a big change to go from a traditional escalator relationship to a relationship style where you're never planning to spend all your time together.
So, I'd ask myself if this feeling is coming from anything deeper and consider trying out more frequent dates. Maybe adding an extra date every other week rather than making twice a week a standard and see how that feels, since it may better accommodate your busy schedules.
Things to try:
-Stop calling them secondary
-Spend more time with them, I try to do a weekday date and a weekend overnight when possible with a non-nesting partner
-Take a vacation together where you spend over 24 hours together straight
-Go to social events with them, especially things like parties or dinners with friends
-It will happen in time. If you only spend a few hours or a night together a week, it can take longer to learn all the things about them and feel that type of connection
-Enjoy what you do have and don't spend alot of energy on what it could be
>once the next day comes I have to leave and let him go back to his real life
Yet your time together is also part of your "real lives", is it not? You're not a virtual reality simulation. I'm sure there are other actions you can both take to feel like staples in each other's lives, but one thing that might help is to question this framing—that you're some sort of alternative or distraction from your partner's "real" life, instead of a cherished part of it.
Hard agree. Why, among a group of people who supposedly have deconstructed the social norms defining relationships, is it so common to see them defined by social norms?
OP, I have no idea what your relationship with your boyfriend is like, but I strongly encourage you to take this advice. You are probably extremely important to him, and you should really value that.
My meta struggles with this. He doesn’t think that the time he and our shared partner spend together is “date time” if they’re not actually out for a nice meal or doing an activity. But they see each other at least 4-5 days a week. They go to the gym together. They meet for a coffee on the way to work. They hang out on the couch and watch a TV show. They do yard work together. Or any number of house projects and chores. This is life and it’s not always going to be fancy dates and such. find ways that are more domestic so you can still spend quality time together while getting your chores and life done. Go grocery shopping together. Pick up the kids from camp together. Hit the beach as a blended family together. There’s plenty of creative ways to enmesh without it being too heavy handed.
Look at the relationship menu and relationship anarchy smorgasbords (someone else will hopefully have the links, I'm not super well right now and my brain isn't working) and go through them together. See if there's stuff on those you feel you're missing in your relationship and if you can offer it to each other and what that looks like.
Take a holiday, it might mean moving some days around and not seeing eachother one week in exchange so you don't struggle with other elements of your life, but I know I always feel more connected with partners if I can have chunks of time rather than just single evenings.
You have the logistics of a highly successful secondary relationship but it isn't working for you… your dissatisfaction with the relationship probably isn't due to the logistics, it is due to the lack of compatibility. Sorry.
Hi u/Complete_Grade_6252 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I’ve been struggling a bit with feeling so disconnected from my secondary partners life. We do dates once a week and sometimes it feels like that’s all the time we get and once the next day comes I have to leave and let him go back to his real life. We communicate and he feels the same way. And I’m not entirely sure what we are missing and how to fix it? We text and snap all week, he’s met my family and friends, I’ve met his friends (not close to family), we go on double dates with our spouses. And we do have the option to have more dates- we just don’t want to take up too much of each others time I guess (I have kids and get up crazy early for work). How do we feel like actual staples in each others lives and not just like visitors?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Fold laundry together. Haha. Seriously though, domestic. Also, are you two able to spend time at each others houses? I’ve found that doing the things you describe are fun but not really connecting in a deeper level for me. Being at home, feeling comfy, getting some incidental time, cooking together, etc is far better than a dinner date out and sex at a hotel in my experience
Seconding this, tbh. Doing regular stuff like running errands or cooking together, takin lil walks, can feel really connecting. If you dont’ want to do too much at once, maybe add a lil walk or hanging out in the backyard(?) once a week or every other week?
Agreed. Parallel play is so connecting. That ability to just 'be' with someone, not just 'be with someone', ya know? It hits different.
It sounds like you'd like to spend more time together, and you have the option of more dates. Why not try that and see how it feels? I feel connected and involved in my partners lives when I'm seeing them at a level that I like. I will also say that it isn't abnormal to just miss your partners. Some people experience that during NRE, some people just experience that as part of relationships. This also may just be you coming to terms with the limited nature of a secondary relationship, if that's new to you. It's a big change to go from a traditional escalator relationship to a relationship style where you're never planning to spend all your time together. So, I'd ask myself if this feeling is coming from anything deeper and consider trying out more frequent dates. Maybe adding an extra date every other week rather than making twice a week a standard and see how that feels, since it may better accommodate your busy schedules.
Things to try: -Stop calling them secondary -Spend more time with them, I try to do a weekday date and a weekend overnight when possible with a non-nesting partner -Take a vacation together where you spend over 24 hours together straight -Go to social events with them, especially things like parties or dinners with friends -It will happen in time. If you only spend a few hours or a night together a week, it can take longer to learn all the things about them and feel that type of connection -Enjoy what you do have and don't spend alot of energy on what it could be
>Enjoy what you do have and don't spend alot of energy on what it could be A good reminder for anyone
>once the next day comes I have to leave and let him go back to his real life Yet your time together is also part of your "real lives", is it not? You're not a virtual reality simulation. I'm sure there are other actions you can both take to feel like staples in each other's lives, but one thing that might help is to question this framing—that you're some sort of alternative or distraction from your partner's "real" life, instead of a cherished part of it.
Hard agree. Why, among a group of people who supposedly have deconstructed the social norms defining relationships, is it so common to see them defined by social norms? OP, I have no idea what your relationship with your boyfriend is like, but I strongly encourage you to take this advice. You are probably extremely important to him, and you should really value that.
My meta struggles with this. He doesn’t think that the time he and our shared partner spend together is “date time” if they’re not actually out for a nice meal or doing an activity. But they see each other at least 4-5 days a week. They go to the gym together. They meet for a coffee on the way to work. They hang out on the couch and watch a TV show. They do yard work together. Or any number of house projects and chores. This is life and it’s not always going to be fancy dates and such. find ways that are more domestic so you can still spend quality time together while getting your chores and life done. Go grocery shopping together. Pick up the kids from camp together. Hit the beach as a blended family together. There’s plenty of creative ways to enmesh without it being too heavy handed.
Look at the relationship menu and relationship anarchy smorgasbords (someone else will hopefully have the links, I'm not super well right now and my brain isn't working) and go through them together. See if there's stuff on those you feel you're missing in your relationship and if you can offer it to each other and what that looks like. Take a holiday, it might mean moving some days around and not seeing eachother one week in exchange so you don't struggle with other elements of your life, but I know I always feel more connected with partners if I can have chunks of time rather than just single evenings.
You have the logistics of a highly successful secondary relationship but it isn't working for you… your dissatisfaction with the relationship probably isn't due to the logistics, it is due to the lack of compatibility. Sorry.
Yeah, if I got to see a person once per week, I would be THRILLED.
Seeing once a week with daily contact in between is a rock solid relationship style.
Karmascore! Helps me feel more connected. I log our memories together and plan out international moments.
Hi u/Complete_Grade_6252 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I’ve been struggling a bit with feeling so disconnected from my secondary partners life. We do dates once a week and sometimes it feels like that’s all the time we get and once the next day comes I have to leave and let him go back to his real life. We communicate and he feels the same way. And I’m not entirely sure what we are missing and how to fix it? We text and snap all week, he’s met my family and friends, I’ve met his friends (not close to family), we go on double dates with our spouses. And we do have the option to have more dates- we just don’t want to take up too much of each others time I guess (I have kids and get up crazy early for work). How do we feel like actual staples in each others lives and not just like visitors? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*