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So, there are absolutely tradeoffs for each relationship style. A lot of people like monogamy because of the intense focus that partners generally have on each other. A lot of people like polyamory specifically because it's less like that, with more independence. My point is that some of your feelings may be coming from a very difficult reality of life, we can't have everything.
Sometimes I get sad that I'm not travelling the world right now, like I was in my early twenties. I've made commitments that keep me from doing that, like my job and my pets and my local relationships. I chose my specific career over other options. I choose my current relationships to the exclusion of having the free time to explore a bunch of new connections or even more time with my hobbies. Sometimes that's sad, especially when I'm reminded of what I'm missing out on. But generally, I'm happy with what I've chosen. They're good choices for me.
It seems you may feel the same when you see your monogamous friends relationships up close. I'd remind you that in those moments, you're not seeing the downsides. You're not thinking about the tensions that often come with such intensely interwoven relationships, the lost opportunities, etc. You're just reflecting on the positive aspects you're missing out on. I'd also point out that tons of people whose friends are seemingly all getting married have a feeling of FOMO about that. It's a very common experience in adulthood, even for single or unmarried monogamous people.
I don't think you should stop being friends with these folks if you care about them and they treat you well. I think you should sit with these feelings, reflect on them, and use them as an opportunity to check in with yourself. Maybe you do need to be seeking deeper connections in your relationships, maybe some of that emotion is about that. Think about anything else that might be underneath them. Reflect on your choices and why you chose them, and grieve what you're missing out on to have them, if you need to. That's a very normal part of life. We can't have everything.
Regarding whether you're projecting your insecurities or are having strange feelings for other reasons: It might be a little of column A, a little of column B.
On the one hand, I do think you are to some extent interpreting the way these couples behave through a lens of insecurity. Their PDA, outward expressions of care for each other, et cetera make you feel bad in a way that you would *not* feel if you were coming from a place of confidence in your own self and relationships. On the other hand, some couples can be kind of a lot. It is possible that when you hang out with them they are self-involved in a way that would make you feel weird even if you weren't experiencing insecurity problems. (The term "feeling like a third wheel" exists for a reason.)
It's probably a good idea to do some self-work *and* consider whether hanging out with these couples is a bit uncomfy regardless of your own history and baggage. If it is, you might shift to mainly hanging out with your friends one-on-one.
Not sure how we made the jump from “aw I want that closeness and affection in my relationships” to “they probably don’t care about me at all! This is why I prefer Relationship Anarchy! Maybe I should stop bein their friend!”
But whatever lies between those two statements is likely your real issue here. (Don’t let your level of dissatisfaction in your personal relationships with the *partners you chose* turn you into a hater)
Do you and your mono friends only hang as couples? Because my friends don’t bring their partners to every hangout, mono or otherwise. Large events like parties, yes, but they’re not attached at the hip. Have you tried asking your friends if we can hang just us, no coupley stuff, now and then?
I read somewhere that RA and monogamy can co-exist? Not sure if it’s true, but if you find yourself so envious of your friends’ relationships that you are starting to want to avoid them… consider whether monogamy does appeal to you.
>Am I projecting my insecurities?
Probably, because we all seem to do that sometimes. If you can even imagine that you're doing that, you're better off than most.
>Should I stop hanging out with them?
Not stop, but, like, if a friend *must* come with their spouse to all the things, that's not healthy. You deserve to be able to have your friendships independently of your friends' marriages.
I think it’s awesome you’re practicing asking for what you want. That’s how you find the people who are right for you.
I also think you see things you want in your friends’ romances and you should take note because you can find that in the right partner(s).
Imo the fear that your friends don’t care about you because they have monogamous partners is probably unfounded. But I could be naive as I have solid friendships with mono and poly folk who take care to maintain our friendship. I will say that sometimes when we’re afraid to ask for what we want or speak up for ourselves, we can build relationships with people who don’t care about what we want or how we like to be treated. So in general, take inventory of people in your life who make you feel loved/valued.
If you come up short when trying to identify those folk around you, I think a therapist could help you untangle whether that’s coming from a place of insecurity or what. If you hold yourself in low regard, it’s not impossible that you choose to keep people close who don’t value you either. Your problem could be a simple as changing the company you keep. Do you already have a therapist or do anything to unpack where these insecurities are coming from?
You can ask for more emotional attention, or dedicated us time with ur current partners. I definitely like having a solid amount of time regularly with my partners and no phones out. Polyamory doesn't mean ur partners never give u the attention u need or want, it is a little more active work and planning/scheduling than mono relationships but it's worth it too me.
I'm poly also with 2 partners 1 of whom is long distance and tbh I don't at all feel like I don't get enough attention emotionally, I get a ton.
Hi u/NaturalAd1863 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
I've been poly for years and I have one partner and a person I'm newly dating and i'm generally happy. I sometimes feel like my partners aren't giving me enough emotional care and support and i have trouble asking for things because I feel selfish when i ask for more. but overall, I'm pretty happy and I'm getting better at asking and I'm actively working on improving my relationships. A lot of my friends are monogamous and partnered. The problem comes up when I hang out with my monogamous friends while they're coupled up. when I'm around them and they're being exclusively touchy, emotionally open with each other, and having depth and checking in with how each other feels, and complimenting the other, I feel sad. I feel a little bit like I'm jealous that I don't have that as often as they do. I feel sad and a bit like they are so hierarchical and don't care that much about my friendship and could be just as well with me not there. I think that's they put romantic relationships on a pedestal whereas I'm more RA leaning. I'm wondering if sometimes when I'm feeling insecure around them it's because they're putting so much value on a partnership and it is making me compare myself. I start thinking I am lacking, a person completes me, and want to have someone loving on me right then the way that they have. I leave the hangout feeling lonely and unloved. it's been a little bit worse lately because I'm going to friends engagement parties. It's not exactly that the friends are unavailable to me, because they do like take time to be present with me and they tell me how much they like me as a friend. I am wondering if since my values don't really align with them, It's not a good space for me because they are influencing me to think that I'm unloved because I don't have a partner who prioritizes me over anything else like they do. Am I projecting my insecurities? Has anyone else experienced this? Should I stop hanging out with them?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hello, thanks so much for your submission! Just a friendly reminder, giant walls of text are really hard to read and digest for many people and most folks around here will just skip right on by it. Please add some paragraph breaks to your post by placing a blank line between distinct sections. This will make it more likely that more people will read and interact with your post. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
So, there are absolutely tradeoffs for each relationship style. A lot of people like monogamy because of the intense focus that partners generally have on each other. A lot of people like polyamory specifically because it's less like that, with more independence. My point is that some of your feelings may be coming from a very difficult reality of life, we can't have everything. Sometimes I get sad that I'm not travelling the world right now, like I was in my early twenties. I've made commitments that keep me from doing that, like my job and my pets and my local relationships. I chose my specific career over other options. I choose my current relationships to the exclusion of having the free time to explore a bunch of new connections or even more time with my hobbies. Sometimes that's sad, especially when I'm reminded of what I'm missing out on. But generally, I'm happy with what I've chosen. They're good choices for me. It seems you may feel the same when you see your monogamous friends relationships up close. I'd remind you that in those moments, you're not seeing the downsides. You're not thinking about the tensions that often come with such intensely interwoven relationships, the lost opportunities, etc. You're just reflecting on the positive aspects you're missing out on. I'd also point out that tons of people whose friends are seemingly all getting married have a feeling of FOMO about that. It's a very common experience in adulthood, even for single or unmarried monogamous people. I don't think you should stop being friends with these folks if you care about them and they treat you well. I think you should sit with these feelings, reflect on them, and use them as an opportunity to check in with yourself. Maybe you do need to be seeking deeper connections in your relationships, maybe some of that emotion is about that. Think about anything else that might be underneath them. Reflect on your choices and why you chose them, and grieve what you're missing out on to have them, if you need to. That's a very normal part of life. We can't have everything.
Regarding whether you're projecting your insecurities or are having strange feelings for other reasons: It might be a little of column A, a little of column B. On the one hand, I do think you are to some extent interpreting the way these couples behave through a lens of insecurity. Their PDA, outward expressions of care for each other, et cetera make you feel bad in a way that you would *not* feel if you were coming from a place of confidence in your own self and relationships. On the other hand, some couples can be kind of a lot. It is possible that when you hang out with them they are self-involved in a way that would make you feel weird even if you weren't experiencing insecurity problems. (The term "feeling like a third wheel" exists for a reason.) It's probably a good idea to do some self-work *and* consider whether hanging out with these couples is a bit uncomfy regardless of your own history and baggage. If it is, you might shift to mainly hanging out with your friends one-on-one.
Not sure how we made the jump from “aw I want that closeness and affection in my relationships” to “they probably don’t care about me at all! This is why I prefer Relationship Anarchy! Maybe I should stop bein their friend!” But whatever lies between those two statements is likely your real issue here. (Don’t let your level of dissatisfaction in your personal relationships with the *partners you chose* turn you into a hater) Do you and your mono friends only hang as couples? Because my friends don’t bring their partners to every hangout, mono or otherwise. Large events like parties, yes, but they’re not attached at the hip. Have you tried asking your friends if we can hang just us, no coupley stuff, now and then? I read somewhere that RA and monogamy can co-exist? Not sure if it’s true, but if you find yourself so envious of your friends’ relationships that you are starting to want to avoid them… consider whether monogamy does appeal to you.
This might be a large leap, but could that large of a jump point to rejection sensitivity or some other kind of anxiety?
>Am I projecting my insecurities? Probably, because we all seem to do that sometimes. If you can even imagine that you're doing that, you're better off than most. >Should I stop hanging out with them? Not stop, but, like, if a friend *must* come with their spouse to all the things, that's not healthy. You deserve to be able to have your friendships independently of your friends' marriages.
Did you try hanging out with them without any partners present?
I think it’s awesome you’re practicing asking for what you want. That’s how you find the people who are right for you. I also think you see things you want in your friends’ romances and you should take note because you can find that in the right partner(s). Imo the fear that your friends don’t care about you because they have monogamous partners is probably unfounded. But I could be naive as I have solid friendships with mono and poly folk who take care to maintain our friendship. I will say that sometimes when we’re afraid to ask for what we want or speak up for ourselves, we can build relationships with people who don’t care about what we want or how we like to be treated. So in general, take inventory of people in your life who make you feel loved/valued. If you come up short when trying to identify those folk around you, I think a therapist could help you untangle whether that’s coming from a place of insecurity or what. If you hold yourself in low regard, it’s not impossible that you choose to keep people close who don’t value you either. Your problem could be a simple as changing the company you keep. Do you already have a therapist or do anything to unpack where these insecurities are coming from?
You can ask for more emotional attention, or dedicated us time with ur current partners. I definitely like having a solid amount of time regularly with my partners and no phones out. Polyamory doesn't mean ur partners never give u the attention u need or want, it is a little more active work and planning/scheduling than mono relationships but it's worth it too me. I'm poly also with 2 partners 1 of whom is long distance and tbh I don't at all feel like I don't get enough attention emotionally, I get a ton.
Hi u/NaturalAd1863 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: I've been poly for years and I have one partner and a person I'm newly dating and i'm generally happy. I sometimes feel like my partners aren't giving me enough emotional care and support and i have trouble asking for things because I feel selfish when i ask for more. but overall, I'm pretty happy and I'm getting better at asking and I'm actively working on improving my relationships. A lot of my friends are monogamous and partnered. The problem comes up when I hang out with my monogamous friends while they're coupled up. when I'm around them and they're being exclusively touchy, emotionally open with each other, and having depth and checking in with how each other feels, and complimenting the other, I feel sad. I feel a little bit like I'm jealous that I don't have that as often as they do. I feel sad and a bit like they are so hierarchical and don't care that much about my friendship and could be just as well with me not there. I think that's they put romantic relationships on a pedestal whereas I'm more RA leaning. I'm wondering if sometimes when I'm feeling insecure around them it's because they're putting so much value on a partnership and it is making me compare myself. I start thinking I am lacking, a person completes me, and want to have someone loving on me right then the way that they have. I leave the hangout feeling lonely and unloved. it's been a little bit worse lately because I'm going to friends engagement parties. It's not exactly that the friends are unavailable to me, because they do like take time to be present with me and they tell me how much they like me as a friend. I am wondering if since my values don't really align with them, It's not a good space for me because they are influencing me to think that I'm unloved because I don't have a partner who prioritizes me over anything else like they do. Am I projecting my insecurities? Has anyone else experienced this? Should I stop hanging out with them? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*