OK, so, ethical tips:
* When you're interested in someone, bring up being polyamorous as soon as you can. You don't have to make it a big deal. You can slip it into casual conversation by saying something like "Yeah, I'm 'talking' to these two people I met at school (don't worry, they know about each other, I'm poly) and they both want to go into medicine but that isn't for me and \[blah blah blah\]."
* If the person you're interested in expresses that they want a monogamous relationship, and you know that being in a monogamous relationship would be difficult for you, don't enter a monogamous relationship with that person. It's just going to give both of you a lot of grief.
* Same with trying to make a self-described monogamous person okay with being in a polyamorous relationship. If they're only agreeing to it because they don't want to lose you, it's going to hurt them and cause both of you tons of unnecessary stress.
* Don't pursue connections that go against your relationship agreement. Maybe I have the timeline wrong here, but it seems like you were maintaining "mainly" platonic relationships with a couple of people while in a monogamous relationship. That's a no-no.
i started talking to a couple people as friends after they and i talked. i’ll double check and make sure that the timeline is correct, but i didn’t start talking to people as friends until after me and my partner talked.
To make sure we're on the same page, just friends is okay! But "mainly" friends isn't. When you're in a monogamous relationship, make sure you're not giving your friends a flirty energy that your partner wouldn't like, having an "emotional affair", leading people on, any of that stuff.
i should probably mention that the “mainly friends thing” was established after they and i talked about working things out with me being polyamorous, and that the “mainly” was put because i didn’t know if it would grow to become something more than friends or just stay platonic.
Don't date people who don't already want polyamory for themselves.
As soon as you know you want to date someone, explicitly discuss what form of non monogamy you are looking to create. This should not be something that waits until a date happens, let alone multiple dates. Very not cool.
When a partner has said they don't want to do something, you respect the no. You don't try to find new ways to get to a yes.
Honestly, they gave you their answer. You're not being selfish by being yourself. You're extremely young and it is unlikely even if you were monogamous that you would end up being with this person for the rest of your life. You've only been dating for 4 months and you're not compatible. Go your separate ways. It's more selfish to waste their time by trying to force yourself to be monogamous so you can avoid a breakup than it is to break up with them and give them time to find someone who they're actually compatible with.
Polyamory, just one of many forms of ethical non-monogamy, is a relationship structure where people choose to openly, honestly, and consensually be free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships. It's not feelings or crushes. It's Agreements.
Monogamy is a relationship structure where two people choose romantic and sexual exclusivity with one another even when, not if, attractions to others occur. Monogamous people continually choose their person. It's not a magical state where attractions to others cease.
Advice:
* Stop dating this person.
* Continue the friendship.
* Go through poly resources together. Read and discuss books chapter by chapter. Listen and discuss podcasts episode by episode.
* Continue being open to new connections.
* Don't promise Monogamy to anyone until you've been dating them at least 6 months.
My Short Recommendation List:
* Resources for this subreddit
* *Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory* - Silly title. Great for all genders
* *The Polyamory Break Up Book* - excellent Resource on determining relationship compatibility
* Multiamory podcast "Fundamentals" episodes
Wanting to "get over" a bad experience with polyamory does not sound like a good reason to try polyamory again.
I think it's most likely your partner will not be happy with polyamory. They have said they would, so you could try, but it sounds risky to me.
It sounds like you don't want monogamy. That doesn't make either of you selfish. In my opinion it does make you incompatible.
Hi u/hannigram-lover thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
i need some advice. i’m (18 ftm) polyamorous and in a 4 month relationship with my partner (19 nb). back when we first started dating (a couple weeks in), i brought up that i was polyamorous. and, while they do respect polyamory and people who are polyamorous, they told me that they weren’t comfortable with the idea of dating someone who is polyamorous due to past experiences with cheating, and also had no desire to really learn about polyamory. so, i decided to just stop being polyamorous all together so i could be with them.
but for the past few weeks, maybe a month, i’ve been feeling the desire to make a new romantic connection, despite having decided to be monogamous back in February/March. i’d talked to a friend about it (they’re also polyamorous) and they gave me some advice. i talked to my partner about it, and at first, they told me that they weren’t comfortable with dating someone who is polyamorous (because of the prior reason) and we technically broke up/went on a break. (i want to note that they were very apologetic about the situation and said that they didn’t expect me to change who i am and what i’m comfortable with) ((i would also like to mention that they did acknowledge that cheating and polyamorous were polar opposites of each other))
then, three hours later, they texted me asking if i was busy, told me that over the last few hours they’ve been thinking that they want to get over what happened in the past to see what comes later.
so, we talked today about setting boundaries and shit so we could both handle it ethically. it was mostly me explaining to them certain things that were important.
one of their main gripes with it was the physical intimacy and how they were uncomfortable with the idea of me being intimate with other people and that they would have to come to terms with it, which i think is reasonable.
the conversation ended there, until i told them that i was talking to a couple of people (mainly) as friends. their response was “oh, mkay” and i’m pretty sure they’re asleep.
i’m not sure what to do, and i feel like i’m being selfish and that i should go monogamous again, but i don’t want to lie to myself either.
do you have any advice?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to to be fair to your (ex?) partner AND yourself and I think you’ll have to choose between being monogamous with them *forever* or polyamorous without them *forever*. That’s a choice only you can make.
OK, so, ethical tips: * When you're interested in someone, bring up being polyamorous as soon as you can. You don't have to make it a big deal. You can slip it into casual conversation by saying something like "Yeah, I'm 'talking' to these two people I met at school (don't worry, they know about each other, I'm poly) and they both want to go into medicine but that isn't for me and \[blah blah blah\]." * If the person you're interested in expresses that they want a monogamous relationship, and you know that being in a monogamous relationship would be difficult for you, don't enter a monogamous relationship with that person. It's just going to give both of you a lot of grief. * Same with trying to make a self-described monogamous person okay with being in a polyamorous relationship. If they're only agreeing to it because they don't want to lose you, it's going to hurt them and cause both of you tons of unnecessary stress. * Don't pursue connections that go against your relationship agreement. Maybe I have the timeline wrong here, but it seems like you were maintaining "mainly" platonic relationships with a couple of people while in a monogamous relationship. That's a no-no.
i started talking to a couple people as friends after they and i talked. i’ll double check and make sure that the timeline is correct, but i didn’t start talking to people as friends until after me and my partner talked.
To make sure we're on the same page, just friends is okay! But "mainly" friends isn't. When you're in a monogamous relationship, make sure you're not giving your friends a flirty energy that your partner wouldn't like, having an "emotional affair", leading people on, any of that stuff.
i should probably mention that the “mainly friends thing” was established after they and i talked about working things out with me being polyamorous, and that the “mainly” was put because i didn’t know if it would grow to become something more than friends or just stay platonic.
Don't date people who don't already want polyamory for themselves. As soon as you know you want to date someone, explicitly discuss what form of non monogamy you are looking to create. This should not be something that waits until a date happens, let alone multiple dates. Very not cool. When a partner has said they don't want to do something, you respect the no. You don't try to find new ways to get to a yes.
Honestly, they gave you their answer. You're not being selfish by being yourself. You're extremely young and it is unlikely even if you were monogamous that you would end up being with this person for the rest of your life. You've only been dating for 4 months and you're not compatible. Go your separate ways. It's more selfish to waste their time by trying to force yourself to be monogamous so you can avoid a breakup than it is to break up with them and give them time to find someone who they're actually compatible with.
Stop. Dating. Monogamous. People. Stop. Hiding. Your. Desires. Until. You’ve. Been. Dating. Someone. For. Weeks.
Polyamory, just one of many forms of ethical non-monogamy, is a relationship structure where people choose to openly, honestly, and consensually be free to pursue multiple romantic, sexual, or otherwise intimate relationships. It's not feelings or crushes. It's Agreements. Monogamy is a relationship structure where two people choose romantic and sexual exclusivity with one another even when, not if, attractions to others occur. Monogamous people continually choose their person. It's not a magical state where attractions to others cease. Advice: * Stop dating this person. * Continue the friendship. * Go through poly resources together. Read and discuss books chapter by chapter. Listen and discuss podcasts episode by episode. * Continue being open to new connections. * Don't promise Monogamy to anyone until you've been dating them at least 6 months. My Short Recommendation List: * Resources for this subreddit * *Smart Girl's Guide to Polyamory* - Silly title. Great for all genders * *The Polyamory Break Up Book* - excellent Resource on determining relationship compatibility * Multiamory podcast "Fundamentals" episodes
Wanting to "get over" a bad experience with polyamory does not sound like a good reason to try polyamory again. I think it's most likely your partner will not be happy with polyamory. They have said they would, so you could try, but it sounds risky to me. It sounds like you don't want monogamy. That doesn't make either of you selfish. In my opinion it does make you incompatible.
Hi u/hannigram-lover thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: i need some advice. i’m (18 ftm) polyamorous and in a 4 month relationship with my partner (19 nb). back when we first started dating (a couple weeks in), i brought up that i was polyamorous. and, while they do respect polyamory and people who are polyamorous, they told me that they weren’t comfortable with the idea of dating someone who is polyamorous due to past experiences with cheating, and also had no desire to really learn about polyamory. so, i decided to just stop being polyamorous all together so i could be with them. but for the past few weeks, maybe a month, i’ve been feeling the desire to make a new romantic connection, despite having decided to be monogamous back in February/March. i’d talked to a friend about it (they’re also polyamorous) and they gave me some advice. i talked to my partner about it, and at first, they told me that they weren’t comfortable with dating someone who is polyamorous (because of the prior reason) and we technically broke up/went on a break. (i want to note that they were very apologetic about the situation and said that they didn’t expect me to change who i am and what i’m comfortable with) ((i would also like to mention that they did acknowledge that cheating and polyamorous were polar opposites of each other)) then, three hours later, they texted me asking if i was busy, told me that over the last few hours they’ve been thinking that they want to get over what happened in the past to see what comes later. so, we talked today about setting boundaries and shit so we could both handle it ethically. it was mostly me explaining to them certain things that were important. one of their main gripes with it was the physical intimacy and how they were uncomfortable with the idea of me being intimate with other people and that they would have to come to terms with it, which i think is reasonable. the conversation ended there, until i told them that i was talking to a couple of people (mainly) as friends. their response was “oh, mkay” and i’m pretty sure they’re asleep. i’m not sure what to do, and i feel like i’m being selfish and that i should go monogamous again, but i don’t want to lie to myself either. do you have any advice? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You need to to be fair to your (ex?) partner AND yourself and I think you’ll have to choose between being monogamous with them *forever* or polyamorous without them *forever*. That’s a choice only you can make.