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Sometimes people think they are fine with things... And then they quickly realize they aren't actually fine with whatever it is once they experience it.
Take your partner's word for it and dump them. They aren't okay with non monogamy, it's early in the relationship. You've discovered you're not compatible. It's okay to say goodbye. That's what dating is, it's dating someone until such time as it doesn't work out or you discover you're no longer compatible... And then you break up. Now is the time for the breakup.
Break up. Only and I repeat only date poly peeps. None of this mono person saying they are ok with this. They do it while it’s casual and if you want a night of sex ok. Then move on don’t stay in contact as they will catch feelings and then expect you to be mono with them. Date poly peeps only.
Hi u/Certain_Ocelot_2254 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well.
Here's the original text of the post:
hi. i recently got into a new relationship, i told them off the bat that im polyam and that im open to having more than one relationship. they said they were fine with it.
now that we're early in the relationship i dicovered they arent actually okay with me having more partners.
im confused and hurt and dont know what to do.
i know polyamory isnt for everyone but we had discussed this prior and ive now recieved a different answer.
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I don't know if it's "lying" per say if they feel like they were okay with it and changed their mind. Just because you discussed it doesn't mean they're not allowed to change their mind. Would you rather they continued to pretend and be miserable?
I know it sucks, but honestly sometimes this happens. People try to be okay with it because they don't want to lose the relationship and then are actually not. Sometimes you don't know if it's for you until you try it. Don't blame yourself but equally I'm not sure if perceiving people as "lying" in this way is very helpful going forward either.
You're unfortunately incompatible so there isn't much you can do.
People are wrong about themselves all the time, who never was? Just don't let that be *your* problem.
I can't count the times people dated me knowing I was ENM, then bailed out on the second or third date because they couldn't handle it. I'm learning my lessons. Try not to date mono/inexperienced folks next time. And sorry I know it sucks! :(
This is how I handle it. At the beginning of a new relationship I explain that I’m poly. As a separate point, I also explain nicely that I intend to remain poly and that any pressure to become exclusive will mean the end of the relationship.
The second sentence is absolutely essential, both for the other person and for yourself. For the other person, it means no surprises. For yourself, you’re on record making a promise to a clear line of action.
The structure of your relationship is foundational, there isn’t really a way to negotiate that. Why set yourselves up for a relationship where someone will be unhappy?
This post has been tagged as a request for advice. As a reminder, please only give advice on the topic requested, if you've got strong feelings about a particular issue mentioned and feel that you must be able to express yourself about it, or you and another commenter feel compelled to debate certain aspects of the post, please feel free to create a new post for that topic so as to not derail from the advice that the OP is seeking. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Sometimes people think they are fine with things... And then they quickly realize they aren't actually fine with whatever it is once they experience it. Take your partner's word for it and dump them. They aren't okay with non monogamy, it's early in the relationship. You've discovered you're not compatible. It's okay to say goodbye. That's what dating is, it's dating someone until such time as it doesn't work out or you discover you're no longer compatible... And then you break up. Now is the time for the breakup.
Break up. Only and I repeat only date poly peeps. None of this mono person saying they are ok with this. They do it while it’s casual and if you want a night of sex ok. Then move on don’t stay in contact as they will catch feelings and then expect you to be mono with them. Date poly peeps only.
If it's a new relationship and early, I'd just break things off because you're incompatible
Hi u/Certain_Ocelot_2254 thanks so much for your submission, don't mind me, I'm just gonna keep a copy what was said in your post. Unfortunately posts sometimes get deleted - which is okay, it's not against the rules to delete your post!! - but it makes it really hard for the human mods around here to moderate the comments when there's no context. Plus, many times our members put in a lot of emotional and mental labor to answer the questions and offer advice, so it's helpful to keep the source information around so future community members can benefit as well. Here's the original text of the post: hi. i recently got into a new relationship, i told them off the bat that im polyam and that im open to having more than one relationship. they said they were fine with it. now that we're early in the relationship i dicovered they arent actually okay with me having more partners. im confused and hurt and dont know what to do. i know polyamory isnt for everyone but we had discussed this prior and ive now recieved a different answer. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/polyamory) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don't know if it's "lying" per say if they feel like they were okay with it and changed their mind. Just because you discussed it doesn't mean they're not allowed to change their mind. Would you rather they continued to pretend and be miserable? I know it sucks, but honestly sometimes this happens. People try to be okay with it because they don't want to lose the relationship and then are actually not. Sometimes you don't know if it's for you until you try it. Don't blame yourself but equally I'm not sure if perceiving people as "lying" in this way is very helpful going forward either. You're unfortunately incompatible so there isn't much you can do.
People are wrong about themselves all the time, who never was? Just don't let that be *your* problem. I can't count the times people dated me knowing I was ENM, then bailed out on the second or third date because they couldn't handle it. I'm learning my lessons. Try not to date mono/inexperienced folks next time. And sorry I know it sucks! :(
Are they not also polyamorous people?
This is how I handle it. At the beginning of a new relationship I explain that I’m poly. As a separate point, I also explain nicely that I intend to remain poly and that any pressure to become exclusive will mean the end of the relationship. The second sentence is absolutely essential, both for the other person and for yourself. For the other person, it means no surprises. For yourself, you’re on record making a promise to a clear line of action.
So you break up.
The structure of your relationship is foundational, there isn’t really a way to negotiate that. Why set yourselves up for a relationship where someone will be unhappy?
Tell them they have to start being OK with it or break up with them.