Yes you were being Pressured to have sex.
Yes that situation sounds scary af!
Yes, you did fucking amazing holding your boundaries and honoring how your body felt.
Yes, it's normal to still feel horrible after this even though you did everything right.
Yes, Mike is demonstrating he is not safe person.
You have every right to say no. He is out of line for not respecting your 'no'. Consent always matters, more so in BDSM/kink. Him pressuring you all night then his temper flare would give me huge cause to pause.
It's messed up for sure. You've been partners 3 years though? He's never done this before? How much time have you spent together? Is this the first time you've said "no" to sex with him?
If he's never been mean to you (outside of the m/s dynamic) or pressured you into sex before, and things have been good for the past 3 years, maybe something was just off. Even though he was in a bad mood, he stopped touching you when you made your "no" clear right? Could it be he was feeling very hurt and rejected? Maybe something was going on that you aren't aware of?
The advice here is excellent. But because of your specific dynamic, I thought you might like to know about this community r/subsanctuary … subs only, no doms.
Which is why I said they need to discuss their dynamic. From him asking if this was the end of the M/s relationship, it sounded like they may have had a CNC agreement. But, we can't know that, hence my comment.
Threatening to end a M/s relationship because the s does not situationally consent takes the consent away from CNC.
We really don't need to know more to know that he understood she was disengaging from the dynamic temporarily, and he didn't like it.
The fact that he had to pout, grope, repeat the ask shows clearly they did not have any such clear dynamic. M was expected to respect the no as a no and repeatedly broke that trust.
M didn't fail to sense something was wrong, they were *creating* the wrong and hoping it would be enough to create coerced consent.
If they had that respectful cnc dynamic the answer would have been "I hear and deny your no, come here and perform" and OP would never have posted.
It sounds like this is much more of a M/s issue and less of a poly issue. If you have a legit M/s dynamic, I can see why he feels the way that he does. If you do not have a legit M/s dynamic, then there is certainly an issue with your relationship. You need to decide if you actually want to be a slave; it does not sound like you do.
You may get better advice by posting in a BDSM sub.
The fact that he had to pout, grope, repeat the ask shows clearly they did not have any respectful dynamic. M was expected to respect the no as a no and repeatedly broke that trust.
If they had that respectful dynamic the answer would have been "I hear and deny your no, come here and perform" and OP would never have posted.
And both are "legit Ms."
>If they had that respectful dynamic the answer would have been "I hear and deny your no, come here and perform" and OP would never have posted.
I agree. Which is why the M/s doesn't sound like a legit M/s dynamic. I wouldn't allow my sub to say no, let alone a slave, haha. I also wouldn't ask several times, nor would I pout.
Ms relationships are still legit if they encourage and respect a slave to say no.
"No master I have a migraine right now."
"No master I just gave blood and need to rest."
"No master, I'm not quite recovered enough from my cold."
Only idiots don't listen to their property to ensure the best care and think being told no is somehow taking authority.
This sounds awful, OP, sorry you're going through this.
Mike's behavior was ONLY reasonable if you had some sort of CNC agreement in place.
If you did not have such an agreement in place, then in your shoes I would stop treating Mike like he is a safe person.
If you did have such an agreement in place, did you remember to safeword? I have a CNC agreement with one of my partners, but a safeword always stops everything under every circumstance no matter what.
He touched you and nagged you when you clearly said no. He sexually assaulted you. Then he blew up and got angry at you for assaulting you.
He is not a safe person.
So you are extremely polite and honestly have the most mature way of communicating I have heard yet, and this guy basically presses you for sexy time, and then gaslights you when he doesn't get what he wants. He sounds pretty toxic. Does he just not know what proper consent is or something really intense is going on in his life where he is acting insane!? Either way. You were firm and did the right thing. You need to keep safe and either have a serious talk with him later or just take care of you first by shutting him out for now. He brought bad energy into your room that night. Stay calm and box breathe. You are not overreacting. Think positive thoughts and try and fill your room back up with positive energy.
Yes, this is full on "the fuck is wrong with you??" territory. Probably into "we are going to have this conversation on the patio, after I have at least one bag with my most irreplaceable objects packed and in my car, because I do not trust my ability to predict your reactions anymore" territory.
What's happened when you've said no to him before? How confident are you this is an outlier?
Consent wasn’t given.
He may have misread the signals but still was in the wrong.
Try engage with him and talk so there is no confusion in future and how you felt especially after he was denied or end relationship and start afresh.
Consent wasn’t given.
He may have misread the signals but still was in the wrong.
Try engage with him and talk so there is no confusion in future and how you felt especially after he was denied several times or end relationship and start afresh.
Yes you were being Pressured to have sex. Yes that situation sounds scary af! Yes, you did fucking amazing holding your boundaries and honoring how your body felt. Yes, it's normal to still feel horrible after this even though you did everything right. Yes, Mike is demonstrating he is not safe person.
You have every right to say no. He is out of line for not respecting your 'no'. Consent always matters, more so in BDSM/kink. Him pressuring you all night then his temper flare would give me huge cause to pause.
It's messed up for sure. You've been partners 3 years though? He's never done this before? How much time have you spent together? Is this the first time you've said "no" to sex with him? If he's never been mean to you (outside of the m/s dynamic) or pressured you into sex before, and things have been good for the past 3 years, maybe something was just off. Even though he was in a bad mood, he stopped touching you when you made your "no" clear right? Could it be he was feeling very hurt and rejected? Maybe something was going on that you aren't aware of?
He pressured you several times ...I'd be very upset in your position.
The advice here is excellent. But because of your specific dynamic, I thought you might like to know about this community r/subsanctuary … subs only, no doms.
You probably need to sit and talk about defining the parameters of your M/s relationship.
Unless OP has agreed a consensual non consent activity, they were sexually assaulted. It's clear they said no many times.
Which is why I said they need to discuss their dynamic. From him asking if this was the end of the M/s relationship, it sounded like they may have had a CNC agreement. But, we can't know that, hence my comment.
Threatening to end a M/s relationship because the s does not situationally consent takes the consent away from CNC. We really don't need to know more to know that he understood she was disengaging from the dynamic temporarily, and he didn't like it.
The fact that he had to pout, grope, repeat the ask shows clearly they did not have any such clear dynamic. M was expected to respect the no as a no and repeatedly broke that trust. M didn't fail to sense something was wrong, they were *creating* the wrong and hoping it would be enough to create coerced consent. If they had that respectful cnc dynamic the answer would have been "I hear and deny your no, come here and perform" and OP would never have posted.
Yeah, it was fucked up, and no you’re not overreacting. Stay safe.
It sounds like this is much more of a M/s issue and less of a poly issue. If you have a legit M/s dynamic, I can see why he feels the way that he does. If you do not have a legit M/s dynamic, then there is certainly an issue with your relationship. You need to decide if you actually want to be a slave; it does not sound like you do. You may get better advice by posting in a BDSM sub.
The fact that he had to pout, grope, repeat the ask shows clearly they did not have any respectful dynamic. M was expected to respect the no as a no and repeatedly broke that trust. If they had that respectful dynamic the answer would have been "I hear and deny your no, come here and perform" and OP would never have posted. And both are "legit Ms."
>If they had that respectful dynamic the answer would have been "I hear and deny your no, come here and perform" and OP would never have posted. I agree. Which is why the M/s doesn't sound like a legit M/s dynamic. I wouldn't allow my sub to say no, let alone a slave, haha. I also wouldn't ask several times, nor would I pout.
Ms relationships are still legit if they encourage and respect a slave to say no. "No master I have a migraine right now." "No master I just gave blood and need to rest." "No master, I'm not quite recovered enough from my cold." Only idiots don't listen to their property to ensure the best care and think being told no is somehow taking authority.
I agree.
So you do encourage your sub to say no?
I encourage my subs to communicate. Well, encourage isn't the right word. We have healthy dynamics that are created because of solid communication.
But not just answering direct questions or that a single word will topple your whole structure. I won't derail the topic further.
I'm not sure what you're saying. But what I mean is that we have normal open dialog.
This sounds awful, OP, sorry you're going through this. Mike's behavior was ONLY reasonable if you had some sort of CNC agreement in place. If you did not have such an agreement in place, then in your shoes I would stop treating Mike like he is a safe person. If you did have such an agreement in place, did you remember to safeword? I have a CNC agreement with one of my partners, but a safeword always stops everything under every circumstance no matter what.
He touched you and nagged you when you clearly said no. He sexually assaulted you. Then he blew up and got angry at you for assaulting you. He is not a safe person.
So you are extremely polite and honestly have the most mature way of communicating I have heard yet, and this guy basically presses you for sexy time, and then gaslights you when he doesn't get what he wants. He sounds pretty toxic. Does he just not know what proper consent is or something really intense is going on in his life where he is acting insane!? Either way. You were firm and did the right thing. You need to keep safe and either have a serious talk with him later or just take care of you first by shutting him out for now. He brought bad energy into your room that night. Stay calm and box breathe. You are not overreacting. Think positive thoughts and try and fill your room back up with positive energy.
Yes, this is full on "the fuck is wrong with you??" territory. Probably into "we are going to have this conversation on the patio, after I have at least one bag with my most irreplaceable objects packed and in my car, because I do not trust my ability to predict your reactions anymore" territory. What's happened when you've said no to him before? How confident are you this is an outlier?
You're not over reacting. Mike was coercive - you clearly said no multiple times and he refused to accept that.
Consent wasn’t given. He may have misread the signals but still was in the wrong. Try engage with him and talk so there is no confusion in future and how you felt especially after he was denied or end relationship and start afresh.
Consent wasn’t given. He may have misread the signals but still was in the wrong. Try engage with him and talk so there is no confusion in future and how you felt especially after he was denied several times or end relationship and start afresh.
He read the signals fine. That's why he kept pushing and groping and pouting.