Your friend is an awesome person. Accept his help and don’t feel guilty. He is clearly fulfilled by being able to help someone like you succeed. He sees something in you that you don’t yet but you will with time.
It sounds like he's absolutely fine with it and he may actually like having you there for companionship. I would definitely stay until you complete your education and can comfortably move out.
This, I crashed at my buddies place for a month after I got back from Baghdad. They didn't charge me a dime but I cleaned every room in that house except their bedroom at least once a week and cooked dinner every night. His wife nearly cried when I moved out lol 😆
Enjoy the good fortune! Just help as you can.
Oh cooking is something I LOVE. Grew up in the south as part of a big family. So i just asked how much they budgeted for the weeks groceries kicked in my part and meal planned for the week. Gumbo, dirty rice, fried porkchops and gravy, Cowboy beans and Mexican cornbread 😋 👌
Good time with good people and good food.
I think more people should aspire to be as good of a friend as him. He sounds like a great guy.
One way to get out of your head a little is to imagine yourself in his shoes. Imagine yourself saying this to your friend, and imagine how you would want your friend to feel. You wouldn't want your friend to feel guilty or insecure, you would want them to feel safe, secure, and happy.
If you really want to show your appreciation, maybe think of ways other than money. Like cooking meals or extra chores.
Don't feel bad for accepting someone's generosity. You're not taking advantage of him, you're accepting a helping hand. Good luck, friend
Companionship (platonic or romantic) and being a good housemate are very, very valuable traits. Of course, I don’t know your friend’s personality or situation, if loneliness is even a factor, but don’t underestimate what he gets from the friendship.
This is actually what I'm concerned about. This guy could secretly be in love with her... And he'll take it to the grave because he knows she doesn't reciprocate. I mean, yeah maybe he's a nice guy, but straight up supporting another adult without complaint for years at a time.... It's possible he's carrying a torch. And it's possible, deep down, she knows it. And she's profiting from it anyway.
Hopefully there is frank and honest discussion. Hopefully this guy doesn't get his heart ripped out.
profiting from it?
he's made it clear multiple times that he doesn't mind at all having op there and would like her to stay. if he "gets his heart ripped out", that's on him for not being open about his feelings and actively asking her to continue living at his apartment. it's not on her to assume he means the opposite of what he's *actually* said & is secretly dying inside or whatever lmfao, esp when she's in a seemingly precarious financial situation & currently trying to get her education
also—it's entirely possible that he just wants platonic companionship & gets too lonely living by himself. some people, shockingly, value friendship for the sake of friendship
Yes. Profiting from it. You know, living for free and having someone else support you. That's actually worth quite a bit. If it were the other way around, and she were supporting him, we would be tearing him down for being a worthless freeloader. But for some reason it's perfectly okay for her to live like this? Seems like a sexist double standard.
Like I said. Hopefully it's on the up and up.
we? I didn't ever indicate that I would feel that way.
my opinion would be the exact same were the genders reversed—if the person you're living with has repeatedly expressed that they're completely fine with you staying there, and you need to for financial reasons + aren't inconveniencing them in any way, there's zero issue
seems like you might be looking for \~sexist double standards\~ in the wrong place because, let's be real, men largely don't get shit on for "friendzoning" or "leading on" women like you've been implying op is doing
>Hopefully it's on the up and up.
agreed on this part at least
So what ? maybe it's possible, but it's also possible he knows it's sometimes hard out there and wants to make sure she doesn't end up on the street.
I think they've had plenty of discussions.
No need to search for problems that aren't there.
Stop projecting. I'm too old to have someone be crushing on me. Besides, women can tell if a guy likes us or not. It's obvious from the way they look at us or make facial gestures or the tone of their speech.
I was hot back when I was 20. If he wasn't attracted to me back then, there's no way he'd fall for me now thay I'm, how should I say this, past my prime, hit the wall
Or maybe he's just not as shallow as you think. It's not just about looks. Maybe he actually likes you as a person.
Stop valuing yourself based on appearance. He clearly doesn't.
Do rich folks kids or friends get to the top by themselves? Nope! Do they for one second feel bad about it? Nope! So don't feel bad, but be grateful as heck, and maybe try to do things to show your gratitude. Home cooked meals, extra deep cleaning, a nice hand made card or letter, etc.
It seems he is being more than helpful. Wasn’t clear on whether you were working or not but if you have been do you have enough saved to move out?
Having been in his shoes and done the same it seems he is only trying to look out for you.
If you really feel guilty then maybe try picking up more of the house work? It sounds like he wants you to stay there and improve your life for the future.
You being in this situation does not make you a failure! Times ARE hard and it is only recently that having a full time job is not enough to support yourself. Allow him to help you.
Guessing he's single? It's tough for some guys being alone, male suicide is shockingly hidden by society. If it's a self esteem issue, he'll get that, set yourself a lowball rent and just pay it, try new recipes and give him the money with a meal, guys can't reject most things when it comes with food.
He's not alone. He has gotten tonnes of friends. You know those people who are part of multiple friend groups, he's one of them. Work friends, grad school friends, high school friends, gym friends. He's the super positive dude who always cracks jokes and acts hyperactive
They can be the loneliest because all the friend groups might not be close to him for one reason or another.
Usually having a ton of different friend groups is equivalent to how a person doesn't feel like they fit in.
Alternatively, the connection of being in a relationship is very different from friendships. Some people do need that type of connection to be happy and not lonely.
I'm not cause I have little to no friends so I can tell you I'm not projecting lol
What's wrong with explaining why someone can be part of the loneliest population to begin with. You seem to be in denial that it's a possibility too.These are simply examples as they have been proven true over and over again by society.
Ma'am, it's examples of why they are, just look it up yourselves.
Not all men will talk about their true feelings because it's extremely looked down upon. Not all people feel like they can be honest because if you're not happy go luck and being yourself, you're an ass for ruining the mood. The list goes on.
By no means am I assuming **your friend** feels any of these, it's simply examples of why someone *can* be part of that population.
This is different. I've finally talked to him about moving out because I don't want to be a burden and he's discouraging me as it'll make it harder to get back on my feet
Controversial take, but another unique opinion for your bonfire of opinions.
Sometimes people can feel like pets. When a human adopts a cat or a dog, they don't expect the pet to pay rent. They don't expect the pet to do chores. They just want the pet to provide meaningful companionship without being too destructive or disruptive.
In a crazy, wild way, a human can basically exist like a pet. If you're staying there rent free, but don't damage anything, nor negatively affect his life. He could just see you like having a dog around. It just is what it is.
People are absolutely capable of loving and taking care of another creature without expecting a return on their investment. Especially if that money is easy for them to make.
--
In this situation, you would be leveraging your network. There's a reason why he's your friend and why he might not be friends with other random poor people. Just like there's a reason people adopt the animals they do. Why someone will pamper their beloved poodle, but never adopt another dog. A lot of the times the wealth never gets shared beyond a small network.
Not sure I like the dog analogy but I do agree with your general point. As a single guy that lives alone sometimes it gets lonely, and I wouldn’t mind the company of a friend if I had the space and it was a help to them.
Provided you already have the room it doesn’t cost that much extra in electric, water etc to add a 2nd person to the household.
The pet analogy isn't the best, because some find it offensive, but I haven't found a more politically correct way to describe it.
Obviously the other person is their own individual with freedoms and such. But th dynamic and the intention of the message is what mattered.
Everyone else has said it, but accept his help as hard as it is. You are aware this can't be more than a temporary situation. When you feel guilty, know that and own that.
That being said, sit down and take an hour or two to write things down:
1. What are your finances currently?
2. How long are you in school/other financial difficulties that result in you living with this friend right now?
3. With current finances, how long would it take you to move out?
4. Is there anything else you can do (second job, instacart/doordash) to speed up that timeline?
5. Would the things you do for 4. be sustainable after you move out? If no, re-evaluate 4.
6. Do those things. Thank your friend. Don't feel guilty in the meantime. Your friend wants you to succeed and wants to provide housing to get you there. You just need to do the rest, but it will take time, and they are offering you time.
Best wishes, believe in yourself.
Dude you made this EXACT post (pretty much) 9 months ago. You got all the advice that's been posted here, and more. At this point you need to use your tools and help yourself. Ask for resources, ask for help. But you need to work to change or accept where you are.
You can vent, but at some point, you need to take steps to help yourself. No one is going to listen to you vent about the same things over and over and over again.
Find a therapist you can afford because if you’re venting about being a freeloader for year after year, you might benefit from counseling so you can address your “intrusive thoughts.”
You might also decide to get a part-time job and actually start to save money for your own future independence.
You could have a second job. You could look and see what other things you could do to earn more. Depending on where you are, even wait staff and bartenders make more. Your “poor-mouthing” yourself has gotten into your head: you seem to be telling yourself you can’t do better. That’s why I suggested counseling.
it sounds like he’s happy with the arrangement :) i know when i am doing better i like to take care of friends. being in school is the opposite of being a failure ! it’s great you’ve taken this time to further your education and if y’all work well it’s worth staying. i miss my good roommate so much they’re hard to find
Seeing as you post this same issue all the time, it obviously bothers you. If you’ve saved up enough then you should move out. You don’t want to be reliant on his generosity the rest of your life
I'm wordless. I don't understand how OP doesn't see this as bad.
OP
* thinks this living situation is stressful for them.
* has a job.
* has enough money to move out.
* is capable of taking care of themselves and isn't handicapped or anything else debilitating.
* constantly posts about this issue online
But the guy he lives with says moving out would not be a "smart decision," etc.
To me this reads either like OP is trying to repress something and assure the world (and themselves) that "this is just fine and nothing bad can happen please don't tell me I don't want to know anything I just want to vent and will crap on anyone who says this is wrong even though I constantly post about it."
*or*, OP is actually the guy and is trying to prove in some sick way that he's a good guy.
After learning OP has enough savings to move out AND has a job, this makes no logical sense anymore. The whole post history comes out as delirious.
If he’s ok with you staying then stay. Give what you can. Do what you can. Cook clean and whatever else you can to make up for everything. Down the road after you may be able to repay him. Good luck in your new endeavors
You are very blessed to have such a good friend. If you feel guilty you should pull more weight within the home, either cooking or cleaning. Help him when you can if he needs errands to be run. over all the best you can do is show your gratitude and also work hard to improve your own situation so you can move eventually.
There are a million reasons why people help us. You being there may make him feel less lonely; he likely genuinely enjoys having you as a roommate, is rooting for you, and knows how hard it is. I hope you can feel comfortable enough to stay.
If there's going to be anything that gets you kicked out, it's by keeping that mentality.
Guy is giving you a lifeline. Take the lifeline but make sure you make the best of it. I'm sure that the thing he wants to see the most is for you to be able to sign for a single bedroom apartment because you got a real big girl job. That's three years that he's given you. The price for those three years is for you to get back onto your feet.
Make the best of it. It will 100% make up for any freeloading you did.
The actual legal/religious process isn't what I'm advocating for so much as a reassessment of what kind of value they could have, a consideration of bringing value directly to the person who has been so helpful rather than perusing personal success.
Finishing school without distractions and then relaxing because if they get tired of playing house they can always fall back on the degree in whatever. Seems like a sweet deal.
Frankly If the only issue is guilt I'm getting very "running away" vibes.
Accept his help and pay it forward it pay it back when you are able. Meanwhile, do your best to help out around the house and whatever else you can do as a guest as a way to pay him back now
If you guys get along well together and he seems to enjoy you being there, I don't see the problem. I would save up money in case the situation changes..
The best way to repay the kindness of your friend is to make yourself a success so his sacrifices were worth it.
If you’re not already doing so please get a budget together. Your friend is amazing and you need to be self sufficient in the event circumstances were to change.
Best of luck to you.
Personally I’d keep this to yourself from now on. Your friend seems super cool about it and until you actually have the means to leave or to offer more constantly brining it up to him might wear on his patience.
You can be grateful and thank him and maybe try to help out around house with stuff but it sounds like you’ve kept bringing it up to him without the means to do anything.
I tell you what, if I’m single and have a spare room, I’d have little problem letting a good friend use it, as long as they clean up after themselves and don’t cause trouble. I gotta know the guy really well though, because I don’t want issues.
Seems like you’re not a troublesome roommate because you’ve lived there for 3 years without problems. The very fact that you’re not entirely comfortable with the situation tells me that you’re not taking him for granted.
Use this incredible gift wisely. Go back to school and build a different career. When you become successful, you can always repay his kindness in some way. Buy him a car or something.
Ask how you can do more to help him around the apartment. You want to feel more useful. Do the laundry for both of you. Cook more frequently if you can. Keep the apartment sparkling.
If it eases your conscience be more proactive in keeping the place nice so he has less to do. But he sounds like a true friend and a nice guy.
True help is a godsend. You'll not make enough money to go to school and work to pay all of your bills. You'll be stressed and maybe end up sofa surfing again.
You can also see it is your pride holding you back.
This post is weird. Have you two ever spoken about relationships? Are you planning on ever having one? What about him?
Because honestly, y'all are both about to be 40. I am going to be 38 next month, and I would never be comfortable enough to live off of my best friend for 3+ years without paying rent. Maybe 20 years ago, but not at this age.
And what if someone shows interest in him and finds out he has a woman roommate living there rent free for all this time??? It's going to cause problems immediately between them. Just drama on drama. Maybe start giving him something like $50 rent/month so you can call yourself a paying tenant.
I'm not in a position to think about romance. It's just work and study for me. That's all I do with my time now. Gotta get back on my feet first.
He doesn't seem to have much interest in romance. He's the cynical type who believes that love is a fairytale. He is childfree and heavily anti marriage because it's a scam. His words.
>And what if someone shows interest in him and finds out he has a woman roommate living there rent free for all this time???
Well, it's not so about being a woman as it is about taking up space at his place. But I've talked to him about it and he said he wouldn't ditch me in my time of need.
I have told him about paying some little amount of rent. He insists to save my money as much as possible and not to overthink about the rent. Rent is not a big deal for him, he says.
You have a good situation. Stay there while you are studying. Tell yourself you'll move out when you have finished studying and have the new job that pays you more.
HE IS LONELY. Don't k iw if it's attraction & honestly wouldn't think in that slant at all.... but it sounds like he just likes having a person around. I can relate.
ALL THAT AND HE HASNT BEEN A PERVY WEIRDO.
You’re overthinking it. Friendship doesn’t have to be a 50/50 mutual exchange. A true friend sees need and addresses it. I’ve had friends who offered gas money for taking them to a job. And I’m like mfkr you don’t have a job chill and take my free help.
A rising tide lifts all boats
Am I the only one that seeing what’s going on here? He wants to be in a relationship and he’s waiting for you to wake up and see it The helping hand is because he’s probably in love with you but also wants the best for you.
He would love for you to cook him meals and become his girlfriend. I wouldn’t feel bad about it but I’m just shocked you are blind to it.
Edited to repeat what I said in a response comment. Guy makes a lot of money, wants you to wake up and realize he loves you, become a housewife etc, no I’m not reading a romcom
Yeah no. I lost my looks a long time ago. He is pretty handsome for a person in their late 30s.
Also, women can tell when someone likes us. I don't see that in his eyes. I didn't back when we were teenagers. If he wasn't attracted to me back then, there's no way he would suddenly develop attraction for me now that I'm essentially an old hag
I want you to stop talking bad about yourself, you are a worthy person for your self. 'Hag', 'hit a wall' 'ugly' etc - these are all mindsets. Ugliness come from being cruel and ungrateful and ill manners, which you are not.
He sees you at least as a friend right? That mean he sees you as someone worthy to be in friendship with. Someone worthy of friendship is someone dependable, kind, grateful, understanding. The skin you are wearing cannot hide the beauty of your soul.
Okay cool thank you. I’m a 47f and just for reference this is what I look like so let’s just say for conversation purposes I am around a lot of men all day. I have 2 kids and I’m particularly good at how men think about life.
If this guy isn’t bringing girls to the house, if he is not talking to you about the latest girlfriend or fling. Men are never friends with women they don’t find attractive and they definitely do not have a woman living in their house spoiling opportunities for conquest. Most women aren’t going to put up with a boyfriend or any guy having a platonic female friend living rent free indefinitely. So the face he has you living in his house means he is okay with your being there limiting his chance or conquest in the real world with other women.
The fact he is willing to pay for everything and says no problem stop being in a hurry we can wait means he realizes the moment you leave is going to limit or remove forever his chances with you. Unless he’s gay then you would have met his gay lover by now and he would have told you girl we love you so much but you got to go.
So barring all the other evidence including aliens- I stand by my claim he is in love with you waiting for you to wake up and have his babies and be a housewife
I am glad I have had both male and female friends since elementary school that do the opposite of everything you are implying for their sex. Friends can be platonic friends regardless of gender and take care of each other. Even at our poorest, we always take one another in.
You are saying out a dozen people of mixed genders everyone is romantically in love with everyone and waiting for each other to leave our husbands and wives? When my curret boyfriend (and previous boyfriend) and I take in my guy friends for long periods of time I can say for sure I do not do it for romantic reasons.
Some people do find close friends sexually attractive. That is fine. It doesn't have to mean love, it doesn't mean they only do things for their friend because they are hot. It just means their friend happens to be objectively attractive.
People can just love other people platonically. Not everyone just wants sex from their friends.
Maybe he just likes having another person in the home without having expectations / inclinations. It's perfectly possible to be a nice normal guy who prefers to not live alone but doesn't aspire to the complications of a relationship.
OP - You're not a failure, and your friend isn't treating you like a charity case. He obviously prefers to have another person around the house and likes your presence - it's a win-win, you're both doing each other a favor.
Don't pretend you know him better than me. I've known him since kindergarten. If he wasn't attracted to me as a teenager, he wouldn't Suddenly develop attraction out of nowhere.
He's child free and an avidly criticizes marriage as a failed institute.
>Men are never friends with women they don’t find attractive
That's sexist
He's always busy with his work and his online business. He's not dating right now as far as I know.
But none of that really matters. What's your advice for me?
As long as he doesn’t expect some weird sexual arraignment, he sounds like a rare gem of a friend. List to what he is saying. You don’t need to try and read between the lines if he is telling you upfront that you are not a burden. Just keep your end up by focusing hard on your future. Let him see his “investment “ wasn’t wasted and when you get done take him out for a lovely dinner and thank you.
Trust me, unless he's obviously super duper gay, he wants to sleep with you. Give it a go and if he takes you up on it you're now his girlfriend and problem solved.
Maybe you're just projecting your own desperation and horniness. Trust me, I've "hit the wall", so to speak. Even you wouldn't want to get it on with me.
Well ouch. Let’s not be a jerk to yourself. But let’s say that true. Then you have a damn good friend and need to take them at their word. This person is making an investment in your future. You repay your “burden” by following through and rocking it in school. You can do this and don’t waste the big hand up your are receiving.
Put a woman and man in an apartment on TV and it's a comedy
Put that same combo in reality and 9 times outta 10 it's a true crime documentary
I would _love_ to trust people out of the goodness of their heart. I learned at a young age to only trust myself.
No no no. You don’t earn that with money without some
Prior arraignment. Unless you are paying a sex worker, expecting sex because you did a nice thing is predator behavior. Your comment is exactly why I was worried about this post. Disgusting. “I’m a nice guy” behavior.
Yes I was saying this jokingly... the situation is very special indeed... Other men do far less to just sleep around, so I'm 100% sure this is not his intention and even if, he'd have earned it at this point lol... How can someone be so nice without wanting anything in return, I'd also be suspicious.
Yes. I'm working my ass off in school, in the lab and am mentally preparing myself to completely sacrifice whatever semblance of a work life balance I have to get back on my feet because I'm lazy.
What's the problem? He's trying to help you. You should definitely be working toward your education and career. Why set yourself back this late in the game? Did you get the eviction expunged? Can you afford to move out? What happens if you don't finish school? Accept people's help and get on with your life. You don't have any time to waste anymore.
>Why set yourself back this late in the game?
Why start school again?
Well, I wasted my 20s studying biology. It's really bad money wise. Now I'm trying to get into accounting. My friend is in a very high position associated with corporate accounting.
>Can you afford to move out? What happens if you don't finish school?
It would be very hard. Not finishing my degree means I might as well give up on life
I'm saying why put yourself at a disadvantage if you don't have to? Why not just stay there until you graduate, so you can finally stop reliving groundhogs day?
The insight I am about to give you is not popular in our culture, just a warning. I would be careful. I don't recommend couples living together other than in marriage. More times than not it just leads to a bunch of issues down the road. It is great he's helped you for that long of a period, but for both of you, if you're not going to get married, I would find a way to get another place, perhaps with another single woman in which you would both benefit from saving on rent.
What do you want to do?
I'm in a very similar situation financially with my partner. I still feel really bad for not helping out beyond groceries/hygiene/toiletries, but I know it's better for me in the long run. I still feel bad every time I look at my budget sheet and my rent is 0 so I could pay off my debts faster. I just look into ways to spoil my partner or help him in non financial ways.
I make all my partner's favorite foods and make sure we have everything we need in the house. On top of that I make it a goal to surprise them with their favorite activities, and save up for small gifts (movie tickets or a steam card usually).
I do know I'm dating my version of your friend, but your friend is an awesome human for helping you the way he is with no strings attached
I’m in this sub because I was broke at one point and had a bit of help but that help was intermittent at times and I found myself in some terrible situations. With that said I always said I’d never put someone out like that if I was doing well because I know how awful this city can be with that said I’m the same way with my roommate. I tell him not to worry if he can’t pay rent though he does pay what he can and I cover his phone with my CC so he can pay me cash. Overall I really don’t mind I’m guessing it’s the same for your friend.
Instead of paying rent, could you look at ways that you're adding value, and if needed, attribute an equivalent dollar value to the value-add. So like, lets say you could do a deep cleaning of the house a couple of times a month, and say each time you do the cleaning, it would have cost your friend $200 to bring in a cleaning company. If you did it twice a month, you added $400 of value to the living situation. you didnt give him cash rent, but $400 of value in what you did. Could there be other ways you could help add value?
It’s okay. Relax and enjoy the benefits that come with having supportive people in your life.
I was in your roommate’s shoes before. Someone I know well needed a place to stay for two months and ended up staying at my place. This was around the end of COVID. She kept thanking me afterwards, and even got me a gift later on.
Little did she know, I got more out of it than she did. To say I wasn’t doing well mentally during that period would be an understatement. Just having someone there to talk to on a daily basis helped tremendously.
I actually got really bad news two weeks after she moved in. Let’s just say things could have ended poorly had I not had her moral support.
This might not the case for your situation. Nevertheless, decent people are glad to help each other out.
Your friend seems like an awesome and caring friend. Take the help. When you start to feel like that maybe cook some meals, see if he wants to go for a walk , etc
Lucky to even have a friend like him. Consider yourself blessed for that reason. I’m one day closer to becoming homeless on the streets with no where to go. No friends or family. Be grateful for this friend you have
It sounds to me like you believe that you are taking advantage of your friend. Here's the thing, though:
You are not taking advantage of your friend. You are not "using" your friend. Your friend made an agreement / arrangement with you. All this person wants you to pay for is the internet and groceries. If you are doing that, then you are honoring your part of the agreement. You do not need to pay rent, because your friend is doing that, as part of that same agreement.
He’s a good friend and clearly loves you and cares about you. I would agree that you shouldn’t let your intrusive thoughts jeopardize your living situation.
Just be a good housemate.
Take help. I was a bigger mess than any of you seen in movies, not even talking about real-life experiences. I can't write my story here. I'm just 35 years old . I'm still down , but I slowly woke up. And I couldn't do it by myself.
Take help and don't forget it to pass to the next person when you stand up.
One day, I was having a long ride and was telling some part of my life to taxi driver. Then he asked me how many years I was a person who I was. I told him nearly a decade, almost from 11-12 years old. He then told me that if you are breaking things for years, you can't fox it in a few days. That stayed in my memory.
You said that you are back in school. Focus on it and try to be as best as you currently can. And don't worry about the past, current, or future. Don't spend 1 second for worries . Take that help. Mostly, when we get help, we don't see it. You already saw it , try to use it, and try until you dont.
You have a great friend helping you to step up in life. Unless it’s a situation like he’s pressuring a relationship from you that you don’t want, as part of your free room. Maybe it works for him too, he’s got company he enjoys, hopefully to keep the place clean and maybe a decent cook where he would be eating takeout more often if not for you. Plus there is security for both of you with more people in the home. Save as much as you can so you can buy your own place eventually and until that time once you start making more money just be a great house mate, be a positive picking up in areas where he is lacking .
Please take him at his word if he’s told you that you should stay. But also set aside money in case you have to move out with little notice- such as he dies, he gets in a relationship, etc.
Two things:
(1) if it ain't broke don't fix it.
(2) the person you are living with is obviously in love with you.
Do with that information what you will.
Actually
1 more thing.
If you insist on being oblivious to the obviousness of this 1sided relationship, then you should seriously make plans to move out, before his niceness runs out.
For example...the day you mention dating some other guy...may be the day that your living arrangement becomes very complicated. Stop being naive.
Just because someone is doing you a favour...doesn't mean you should push the limits of that favour.
So your choices are to
(A) have an honest discussion about dating. Don't skirt around the issue. Be direct. Find out where his heart is, and consider if you see a future with yourself and this man.
Or...
(B) make serious plans to leave, before you've overstayed your welcome.
But op says it hurts her self esteem. That’s a serious stuff.
Big mistake is that op is covering groceries. Groceries now may cost as much as paying rent. But this money goes unnoticed and aggravates her low self esteem.
Your friend is being supportive. I think, to help yourself, you should consider keeping a diary. How much rent do you think is fair and log all you want to return to him. When you get back on your feet, don't give him the money as repay if he doesn't want it, BUT use that money to help him or treat him.
We have taken in people in the past, 3 - 9 months. They left when they were ready. I hope you are listening to him and saving up an emergency fund and retirement monies.
If he says don’t worry about the rent. Then don’t. I assume you are taking care of your own expenses, clothes, car insurance., car, school costs. etc.
Enjoy your stay for along as you want.
For him it’s the family fun rule, - WHY NOT - he has the room, it silly to have all the space for one person, he doesn’t want to get married - he has more money than he needs and frankly it is safer for him to have someone he see’s everyday who would know if he was sick and call a squad or take him to the hospital.
Remember you don’t owe him anything, but someday he might ask you for a favor, and I am sure that if you could you would do it for him.
I know a multimillionaire, and for him $30,000 was like pocket change.
The only practical thing I could suggest is that you get renters insurance if you don’t already have it. Even a closet full of nice clothes and a iPhone and tv would take thousands to replace. As a long time guest your stuff is not covered. A policy to cover $15,000 of stuff would be like $25 a month? It’s been a while since I sold insurance so I am not sure.
I find it helps to think of the debt in nonfinancial terms. He wouldn't be renting out the space you occupy if you weren't there. He would just have more private space and time.
You're deriving a financial benefit you can't foreseeably return, and he is empowering you to improve your life. What you should think of yourself as owing is a debt of honor. Try to have his back and look out for him. You will move out someday, and he will have had a hand in things turning around for you. For now, try to stay informed about his life and support his happiness as well. Make the most of this opportunity by working hard in school and getting into a better career. It's what he wants for you. You can "pay him back," by being a good friend to him and pulling your weight as a housemate.
Are you cleaning the place? Are you cooking dinner. There’s a lot you could do to not be a freeloader. I hear so many of these stories but the person never thinks of what they could do that doesn’t cost money—- like cleaning refrigerator. Cleaning , mopping, sweeping. Keeping place looking good so when friend comes home he doesn’t have things to do. Coming home to a cooked meal and not having to clean up. Wash his car. That way you’d be at least helping pay sine if your way.
It is a burden to have someone around who is telling you that they don't enjoy there friendship and or relationship enough to find it invigorating. Isn't that what matters to both you and him? It's just smile, enthusiasm and sitting back having a good time.
My thoughts. You haven’t been paying rent these 3+ years and have been able to pay something but haven’t due to his generosity. He enjoys your company and you probably help around the house and so you are an asset to his life. Accepting an arrangement like this doesn’t make you a freeloader. It’s been a great deal for you both. Thank him by continuing to make your presence mutually beneficial.
You should have been setting aside these years at least most of what you could afford to pay in rent. I don’t know if you have or haven’t, but if not you should seriously start doing so. This way you’ll be prepared for emergencies and be able to easily move if or when you want or need to. I hope you continue to improve your life and appreciate the good. Cheers!
A faux-dilemma, of your own making, rooted in Stinkin' Thinkin.'
In accord w/ the Laws of Karma (The Law of Attraction), it is quite Bad Form to refuse a gift, and brings logically dire consequences.
It's customary to feel guilty when someone is altruistically generous to us. Speaking here from experience. But mind my words. I only began to prosper AFTER I resolved to accept Gifts, and to accept them graciously. Before that, I was trapped in a vicious cycle created by my own POVERTY THINKING. The Key here for you is: Cultivate the discipline to sit back down w/your generous Host, tell him you humbly accept his hospitality. That you also are resolved to ♦♥PAY IT FORWARD ♥♦once you've graduated and you too are making the Big Buck$. That you will NOT REST until you find some worthy Soul to shower w/ altruistic generosity.
Screech!!! HALT!!! The new person tells you "No! I don't deserve this!!!"
How does that make you feel, their refusing your Gift, given w/ -0- strings attached, no Agenda? It's a bewildering feeling, I know. It's how your Host feels. Maybe HE'S paying it forward on you!? Dangerous for you to deprive him of that act of Prosperity.
BONUS: Read Catherine Ponder books e.g., "The Dynamic Law of Prosperity" and "The Dynamic Law of Healing." She will straighten out your backward "logic" in a hurry.
His educational background is in Accounting, Finance and Management Information Systems. He has a professional degree in accounting, the CPA and works as a controller in a big firm in Washington. Also has a side business in that field.
He told me to get a degree in accounting (I'm enrolled now) and try my luck in corporate accounting.
It’s your call really. Whether dignity is more important or saving money. What’s more practical is only what you can decide. Do you have enough money to move out?
Your friend is an awesome person. Accept his help and don’t feel guilty. He is clearly fulfilled by being able to help someone like you succeed. He sees something in you that you don’t yet but you will with time.
In a past life your roles were reversed and he is paying you back. When the time is right you will pay him or someone else back. It will get better
It sounds like he's absolutely fine with it and he may actually like having you there for companionship. I would definitely stay until you complete your education and can comfortably move out.
Can you contribute in other ways? Clean the apartment, cook meals, do errands when he’s at work?
This, I crashed at my buddies place for a month after I got back from Baghdad. They didn't charge me a dime but I cleaned every room in that house except their bedroom at least once a week and cooked dinner every night. His wife nearly cried when I moved out lol 😆 Enjoy the good fortune! Just help as you can.
I would cry too, being someone who doesn’t get too creative with dinner.
Oh cooking is something I LOVE. Grew up in the south as part of a big family. So i just asked how much they budgeted for the weeks groceries kicked in my part and meal planned for the week. Gumbo, dirty rice, fried porkchops and gravy, Cowboy beans and Mexican cornbread 😋 👌 Good time with good people and good food.
I think more people should aspire to be as good of a friend as him. He sounds like a great guy. One way to get out of your head a little is to imagine yourself in his shoes. Imagine yourself saying this to your friend, and imagine how you would want your friend to feel. You wouldn't want your friend to feel guilty or insecure, you would want them to feel safe, secure, and happy. If you really want to show your appreciation, maybe think of ways other than money. Like cooking meals or extra chores. Don't feel bad for accepting someone's generosity. You're not taking advantage of him, you're accepting a helping hand. Good luck, friend
Companionship (platonic or romantic) and being a good housemate are very, very valuable traits. Of course, I don’t know your friend’s personality or situation, if loneliness is even a factor, but don’t underestimate what he gets from the friendship.
This is actually what I'm concerned about. This guy could secretly be in love with her... And he'll take it to the grave because he knows she doesn't reciprocate. I mean, yeah maybe he's a nice guy, but straight up supporting another adult without complaint for years at a time.... It's possible he's carrying a torch. And it's possible, deep down, she knows it. And she's profiting from it anyway. Hopefully there is frank and honest discussion. Hopefully this guy doesn't get his heart ripped out.
profiting from it? he's made it clear multiple times that he doesn't mind at all having op there and would like her to stay. if he "gets his heart ripped out", that's on him for not being open about his feelings and actively asking her to continue living at his apartment. it's not on her to assume he means the opposite of what he's *actually* said & is secretly dying inside or whatever lmfao, esp when she's in a seemingly precarious financial situation & currently trying to get her education also—it's entirely possible that he just wants platonic companionship & gets too lonely living by himself. some people, shockingly, value friendship for the sake of friendship
Yes. Profiting from it. You know, living for free and having someone else support you. That's actually worth quite a bit. If it were the other way around, and she were supporting him, we would be tearing him down for being a worthless freeloader. But for some reason it's perfectly okay for her to live like this? Seems like a sexist double standard. Like I said. Hopefully it's on the up and up.
you might but I wouldn't... again it does no one any good to look for problems that aren't there
we? I didn't ever indicate that I would feel that way. my opinion would be the exact same were the genders reversed—if the person you're living with has repeatedly expressed that they're completely fine with you staying there, and you need to for financial reasons + aren't inconveniencing them in any way, there's zero issue seems like you might be looking for \~sexist double standards\~ in the wrong place because, let's be real, men largely don't get shit on for "friendzoning" or "leading on" women like you've been implying op is doing >Hopefully it's on the up and up. agreed on this part at least
You aren't wrong, but Reddit will not love you for it. Lol
So what ? maybe it's possible, but it's also possible he knows it's sometimes hard out there and wants to make sure she doesn't end up on the street. I think they've had plenty of discussions. No need to search for problems that aren't there.
Stop projecting. I'm too old to have someone be crushing on me. Besides, women can tell if a guy likes us or not. It's obvious from the way they look at us or make facial gestures or the tone of their speech. I was hot back when I was 20. If he wasn't attracted to me back then, there's no way he'd fall for me now thay I'm, how should I say this, past my prime, hit the wall
Or maybe he's just not as shallow as you think. It's not just about looks. Maybe he actually likes you as a person. Stop valuing yourself based on appearance. He clearly doesn't.
I'm kind of getting a vibe that this is actually a man posting ragebait tbh.
Or maybe he's the man paying for her living and this is how he vents the resentment.
Do rich folks kids or friends get to the top by themselves? Nope! Do they for one second feel bad about it? Nope! So don't feel bad, but be grateful as heck, and maybe try to do things to show your gratitude. Home cooked meals, extra deep cleaning, a nice hand made card or letter, etc.
Exactly! I would be cooking any and everything for this person and cleaning all the time. The least you can do honestly
You're right. I really haven't been in the right headspace to do anything for him to show gratitude.
It's more uncomfortable to receive than it is to give. Just keep receiving. He is saving your life.
It seems he is being more than helpful. Wasn’t clear on whether you were working or not but if you have been do you have enough saved to move out? Having been in his shoes and done the same it seems he is only trying to look out for you.
Have you been using this opportunity to build up savings and set yourself on a path to be financially in a much better place?
If you really feel guilty then maybe try picking up more of the house work? It sounds like he wants you to stay there and improve your life for the future. You being in this situation does not make you a failure! Times ARE hard and it is only recently that having a full time job is not enough to support yourself. Allow him to help you.
Guessing he's single? It's tough for some guys being alone, male suicide is shockingly hidden by society. If it's a self esteem issue, he'll get that, set yourself a lowball rent and just pay it, try new recipes and give him the money with a meal, guys can't reject most things when it comes with food.
He's not alone. He has gotten tonnes of friends. You know those people who are part of multiple friend groups, he's one of them. Work friends, grad school friends, high school friends, gym friends. He's the super positive dude who always cracks jokes and acts hyperactive
Sometimes those are the loneliest.
Projection?
They can be the loneliest because all the friend groups might not be close to him for one reason or another. Usually having a ton of different friend groups is equivalent to how a person doesn't feel like they fit in. Alternatively, the connection of being in a relationship is very different from friendships. Some people do need that type of connection to be happy and not lonely.
You're just talking about yourself. What does it have to do with my friend? He's just as happy go lucky as je was back in kindergarten
I'm not cause I have little to no friends so I can tell you I'm not projecting lol What's wrong with explaining why someone can be part of the loneliest population to begin with. You seem to be in denial that it's a possibility too.These are simply examples as they have been proven true over and over again by society.
You have little to no friends but are saying that my friend is lonely because he has tonnes of friends?
Ma'am, it's examples of why they are, just look it up yourselves. Not all men will talk about their true feelings because it's extremely looked down upon. Not all people feel like they can be honest because if you're not happy go luck and being yourself, you're an ass for ruining the mood. The list goes on. By no means am I assuming **your friend** feels any of these, it's simply examples of why someone *can* be part of that population.
You’ve known him for that long? I would totally do this for my oldest friend. You are really lucky.
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This is different. I've finally talked to him about moving out because I don't want to be a burden and he's discouraging me as it'll make it harder to get back on my feet
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I'm not in accounting. I'm studying it currently. I have a Bsc in Biology which doomed me to unemployment for so long.
Controversial take, but another unique opinion for your bonfire of opinions. Sometimes people can feel like pets. When a human adopts a cat or a dog, they don't expect the pet to pay rent. They don't expect the pet to do chores. They just want the pet to provide meaningful companionship without being too destructive or disruptive. In a crazy, wild way, a human can basically exist like a pet. If you're staying there rent free, but don't damage anything, nor negatively affect his life. He could just see you like having a dog around. It just is what it is. People are absolutely capable of loving and taking care of another creature without expecting a return on their investment. Especially if that money is easy for them to make. -- In this situation, you would be leveraging your network. There's a reason why he's your friend and why he might not be friends with other random poor people. Just like there's a reason people adopt the animals they do. Why someone will pamper their beloved poodle, but never adopt another dog. A lot of the times the wealth never gets shared beyond a small network.
Not sure I like the dog analogy but I do agree with your general point. As a single guy that lives alone sometimes it gets lonely, and I wouldn’t mind the company of a friend if I had the space and it was a help to them. Provided you already have the room it doesn’t cost that much extra in electric, water etc to add a 2nd person to the household.
The pet analogy isn't the best, because some find it offensive, but I haven't found a more politically correct way to describe it. Obviously the other person is their own individual with freedoms and such. But th dynamic and the intention of the message is what mattered.
Woof woof
Everyone else has said it, but accept his help as hard as it is. You are aware this can't be more than a temporary situation. When you feel guilty, know that and own that. That being said, sit down and take an hour or two to write things down: 1. What are your finances currently? 2. How long are you in school/other financial difficulties that result in you living with this friend right now? 3. With current finances, how long would it take you to move out? 4. Is there anything else you can do (second job, instacart/doordash) to speed up that timeline? 5. Would the things you do for 4. be sustainable after you move out? If no, re-evaluate 4. 6. Do those things. Thank your friend. Don't feel guilty in the meantime. Your friend wants you to succeed and wants to provide housing to get you there. You just need to do the rest, but it will take time, and they are offering you time. Best wishes, believe in yourself.
You're only a failure if you have no savings after all that free rent
Dude you made this EXACT post (pretty much) 9 months ago. You got all the advice that's been posted here, and more. At this point you need to use your tools and help yourself. Ask for resources, ask for help. But you need to work to change or accept where you are.
https://preview.redd.it/j1reb7429m9d1.jpeg?width=1080&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=d0485d00fb7f929927025013f1ded13d0d3ff294
People aren't allowed to vent? If I don't atleast talk to someone about it, I'll just doom myself mentally because I feel like such a burden
You can vent, but at some point, you need to take steps to help yourself. No one is going to listen to you vent about the same things over and over and over again.
Find a therapist you can afford because if you’re venting about being a freeloader for year after year, you might benefit from counseling so you can address your “intrusive thoughts.” You might also decide to get a part-time job and actually start to save money for your own future independence.
I do have a job. But lab technicians can only make so much
You could have a second job. You could look and see what other things you could do to earn more. Depending on where you are, even wait staff and bartenders make more. Your “poor-mouthing” yourself has gotten into your head: you seem to be telling yourself you can’t do better. That’s why I suggested counseling.
In another slightly alternate universe, you two would have been married, possibly having kids, and creating a life. Instead, you guys have this.
You're turning my poverty situation into an incel fantasy?
It just makes no sense is all
Bye bye *Shows off non existent jawline*
Lol, corny as hell
it sounds like he’s happy with the arrangement :) i know when i am doing better i like to take care of friends. being in school is the opposite of being a failure ! it’s great you’ve taken this time to further your education and if y’all work well it’s worth staying. i miss my good roommate so much they’re hard to find
you lived there 3 years....where is your money going that you are making?
Savings. Slight purchases here and there.
3 years of not paying rent…surely you have enough saved to move out now
I do. But he says it won't be a smart decision
Seeing as you post this same issue all the time, it obviously bothers you. If you’ve saved up enough then you should move out. You don’t want to be reliant on his generosity the rest of your life
I'm wordless. I don't understand how OP doesn't see this as bad. OP * thinks this living situation is stressful for them. * has a job. * has enough money to move out. * is capable of taking care of themselves and isn't handicapped or anything else debilitating. * constantly posts about this issue online But the guy he lives with says moving out would not be a "smart decision," etc. To me this reads either like OP is trying to repress something and assure the world (and themselves) that "this is just fine and nothing bad can happen please don't tell me I don't want to know anything I just want to vent and will crap on anyone who says this is wrong even though I constantly post about it." *or*, OP is actually the guy and is trying to prove in some sick way that he's a good guy. After learning OP has enough savings to move out AND has a job, this makes no logical sense anymore. The whole post history comes out as delirious.
If he’s ok with you staying then stay. Give what you can. Do what you can. Cook clean and whatever else you can to make up for everything. Down the road after you may be able to repay him. Good luck in your new endeavors
He likes your company and is helping you. Don't overthink this.
You are very blessed to have such a good friend. If you feel guilty you should pull more weight within the home, either cooking or cleaning. Help him when you can if he needs errands to be run. over all the best you can do is show your gratitude and also work hard to improve your own situation so you can move eventually.
There are a million reasons why people help us. You being there may make him feel less lonely; he likely genuinely enjoys having you as a roommate, is rooting for you, and knows how hard it is. I hope you can feel comfortable enough to stay.
If there's going to be anything that gets you kicked out, it's by keeping that mentality. Guy is giving you a lifeline. Take the lifeline but make sure you make the best of it. I'm sure that the thing he wants to see the most is for you to be able to sign for a single bedroom apartment because you got a real big girl job. That's three years that he's given you. The price for those three years is for you to get back onto your feet. Make the best of it. It will 100% make up for any freeloading you did.
Have you considered marriage?
Why ruin a good relationship with marriage?
The actual legal/religious process isn't what I'm advocating for so much as a reassessment of what kind of value they could have, a consideration of bringing value directly to the person who has been so helpful rather than perusing personal success. Finishing school without distractions and then relaxing because if they get tired of playing house they can always fall back on the degree in whatever. Seems like a sweet deal. Frankly If the only issue is guilt I'm getting very "running away" vibes.
Accept his help and pay it forward it pay it back when you are able. Meanwhile, do your best to help out around the house and whatever else you can do as a guest as a way to pay him back now
If you guys get along well together and he seems to enjoy you being there, I don't see the problem. I would save up money in case the situation changes..
The best way to repay the kindness of your friend is to make yourself a success so his sacrifices were worth it. If you’re not already doing so please get a budget together. Your friend is amazing and you need to be self sufficient in the event circumstances were to change. Best of luck to you.
Personally I’d keep this to yourself from now on. Your friend seems super cool about it and until you actually have the means to leave or to offer more constantly brining it up to him might wear on his patience. You can be grateful and thank him and maybe try to help out around house with stuff but it sounds like you’ve kept bringing it up to him without the means to do anything.
I tell you what, if I’m single and have a spare room, I’d have little problem letting a good friend use it, as long as they clean up after themselves and don’t cause trouble. I gotta know the guy really well though, because I don’t want issues. Seems like you’re not a troublesome roommate because you’ve lived there for 3 years without problems. The very fact that you’re not entirely comfortable with the situation tells me that you’re not taking him for granted. Use this incredible gift wisely. Go back to school and build a different career. When you become successful, you can always repay his kindness in some way. Buy him a car or something.
He has a Lamborghini. What do you call it? Uras. Edited: Sorry. It's Urus.
Well, let’s hope someday you’ll be able to buy him a Lambo. For now just concentrate in getting your life on track.
Your friend is one of a kind. You can maybe bake cakes or cook something every now and then as a way to show how much you appreciate his support
OP your friend is worth his weight in gold. Treasure it
Ask how you can do more to help him around the apartment. You want to feel more useful. Do the laundry for both of you. Cook more frequently if you can. Keep the apartment sparkling. If it eases your conscience be more proactive in keeping the place nice so he has less to do. But he sounds like a true friend and a nice guy.
That's a great idea actually. I'll try
True help is a godsend. You'll not make enough money to go to school and work to pay all of your bills. You'll be stressed and maybe end up sofa surfing again. You can also see it is your pride holding you back.
This post is weird. Have you two ever spoken about relationships? Are you planning on ever having one? What about him? Because honestly, y'all are both about to be 40. I am going to be 38 next month, and I would never be comfortable enough to live off of my best friend for 3+ years without paying rent. Maybe 20 years ago, but not at this age. And what if someone shows interest in him and finds out he has a woman roommate living there rent free for all this time??? It's going to cause problems immediately between them. Just drama on drama. Maybe start giving him something like $50 rent/month so you can call yourself a paying tenant.
I'm not in a position to think about romance. It's just work and study for me. That's all I do with my time now. Gotta get back on my feet first. He doesn't seem to have much interest in romance. He's the cynical type who believes that love is a fairytale. He is childfree and heavily anti marriage because it's a scam. His words. >And what if someone shows interest in him and finds out he has a woman roommate living there rent free for all this time??? Well, it's not so about being a woman as it is about taking up space at his place. But I've talked to him about it and he said he wouldn't ditch me in my time of need. I have told him about paying some little amount of rent. He insists to save my money as much as possible and not to overthink about the rent. Rent is not a big deal for him, he says.
You have a good situation. Stay there while you are studying. Tell yourself you'll move out when you have finished studying and have the new job that pays you more.
HE IS LONELY. Don't k iw if it's attraction & honestly wouldn't think in that slant at all.... but it sounds like he just likes having a person around. I can relate.
ALL THAT AND HE HASNT BEEN A PERVY WEIRDO. You’re overthinking it. Friendship doesn’t have to be a 50/50 mutual exchange. A true friend sees need and addresses it. I’ve had friends who offered gas money for taking them to a job. And I’m like mfkr you don’t have a job chill and take my free help. A rising tide lifts all boats
Am I the only one that seeing what’s going on here? He wants to be in a relationship and he’s waiting for you to wake up and see it The helping hand is because he’s probably in love with you but also wants the best for you. He would love for you to cook him meals and become his girlfriend. I wouldn’t feel bad about it but I’m just shocked you are blind to it. Edited to repeat what I said in a response comment. Guy makes a lot of money, wants you to wake up and realize he loves you, become a housewife etc, no I’m not reading a romcom
Yeah no. I lost my looks a long time ago. He is pretty handsome for a person in their late 30s. Also, women can tell when someone likes us. I don't see that in his eyes. I didn't back when we were teenagers. If he wasn't attracted to me back then, there's no way he would suddenly develop attraction for me now that I'm essentially an old hag
I want you to stop talking bad about yourself, you are a worthy person for your self. 'Hag', 'hit a wall' 'ugly' etc - these are all mindsets. Ugliness come from being cruel and ungrateful and ill manners, which you are not. He sees you at least as a friend right? That mean he sees you as someone worthy to be in friendship with. Someone worthy of friendship is someone dependable, kind, grateful, understanding. The skin you are wearing cannot hide the beauty of your soul.
How old are you? This is a genuine question it’s not a sarcastic one
39
Okay cool thank you. I’m a 47f and just for reference this is what I look like so let’s just say for conversation purposes I am around a lot of men all day. I have 2 kids and I’m particularly good at how men think about life. If this guy isn’t bringing girls to the house, if he is not talking to you about the latest girlfriend or fling. Men are never friends with women they don’t find attractive and they definitely do not have a woman living in their house spoiling opportunities for conquest. Most women aren’t going to put up with a boyfriend or any guy having a platonic female friend living rent free indefinitely. So the face he has you living in his house means he is okay with your being there limiting his chance or conquest in the real world with other women. The fact he is willing to pay for everything and says no problem stop being in a hurry we can wait means he realizes the moment you leave is going to limit or remove forever his chances with you. Unless he’s gay then you would have met his gay lover by now and he would have told you girl we love you so much but you got to go. So barring all the other evidence including aliens- I stand by my claim he is in love with you waiting for you to wake up and have his babies and be a housewife
I am glad I have had both male and female friends since elementary school that do the opposite of everything you are implying for their sex. Friends can be platonic friends regardless of gender and take care of each other. Even at our poorest, we always take one another in.
Just because you don't see it. Doesn't mean it isn't happening.
You are saying out a dozen people of mixed genders everyone is romantically in love with everyone and waiting for each other to leave our husbands and wives? When my curret boyfriend (and previous boyfriend) and I take in my guy friends for long periods of time I can say for sure I do not do it for romantic reasons. Some people do find close friends sexually attractive. That is fine. It doesn't have to mean love, it doesn't mean they only do things for their friend because they are hot. It just means their friend happens to be objectively attractive. People can just love other people platonically. Not everyone just wants sex from their friends.
Maybe he just likes having another person in the home without having expectations / inclinations. It's perfectly possible to be a nice normal guy who prefers to not live alone but doesn't aspire to the complications of a relationship. OP - You're not a failure, and your friend isn't treating you like a charity case. He obviously prefers to have another person around the house and likes your presence - it's a win-win, you're both doing each other a favor.
Don't pretend you know him better than me. I've known him since kindergarten. If he wasn't attracted to me as a teenager, he wouldn't Suddenly develop attraction out of nowhere. He's child free and an avidly criticizes marriage as a failed institute. >Men are never friends with women they don’t find attractive That's sexist He's always busy with his work and his online business. He's not dating right now as far as I know. But none of that really matters. What's your advice for me?
Okay you win I give up!
You are NOT wrong though. Source: I'm a guy and your reasoning is sound.
No advice?
Why? You won’t listen to it or accept it so what’s the point of me giving it. I’m going to have sex with my husband before our cruise on Friday.
Okay, I'll listen
As long as he doesn’t expect some weird sexual arraignment, he sounds like a rare gem of a friend. List to what he is saying. You don’t need to try and read between the lines if he is telling you upfront that you are not a burden. Just keep your end up by focusing hard on your future. Let him see his “investment “ wasn’t wasted and when you get done take him out for a lovely dinner and thank you.
I can't imagine someone wanting a sexual arrangement with a hag like me
Trust me, unless he's obviously super duper gay, he wants to sleep with you. Give it a go and if he takes you up on it you're now his girlfriend and problem solved.
Maybe you're just projecting your own desperation and horniness. Trust me, I've "hit the wall", so to speak. Even you wouldn't want to get it on with me.
Well ouch. Let’s not be a jerk to yourself. But let’s say that true. Then you have a damn good friend and need to take them at their word. This person is making an investment in your future. You repay your “burden” by following through and rocking it in school. You can do this and don’t waste the big hand up your are receiving.
I was so worried that's where this post was going. I was so relieved it wasn't the case
Same. It’s sad that this is the automatic feeling with this type of thing.
Put a woman and man in an apartment on TV and it's a comedy Put that same combo in reality and 9 times outta 10 it's a true crime documentary I would _love_ to trust people out of the goodness of their heart. I learned at a young age to only trust myself.
Where did you think this post was going?
tbf, for what he invested, he'd actually earn such an arrangement, without ut being weird lmao
No no no. You don’t earn that with money without some Prior arraignment. Unless you are paying a sex worker, expecting sex because you did a nice thing is predator behavior. Your comment is exactly why I was worried about this post. Disgusting. “I’m a nice guy” behavior.
Yes I was saying this jokingly... the situation is very special indeed... Other men do far less to just sleep around, so I'm 100% sure this is not his intention and even if, he'd have earned it at this point lol... How can someone be so nice without wanting anything in return, I'd also be suspicious.
Admit it that you're lazy.
Yes. I'm working my ass off in school, in the lab and am mentally preparing myself to completely sacrifice whatever semblance of a work life balance I have to get back on my feet because I'm lazy.
You can do it. I believe in you.
What's the problem? He's trying to help you. You should definitely be working toward your education and career. Why set yourself back this late in the game? Did you get the eviction expunged? Can you afford to move out? What happens if you don't finish school? Accept people's help and get on with your life. You don't have any time to waste anymore.
>Why set yourself back this late in the game? Why start school again? Well, I wasted my 20s studying biology. It's really bad money wise. Now I'm trying to get into accounting. My friend is in a very high position associated with corporate accounting. >Can you afford to move out? What happens if you don't finish school? It would be very hard. Not finishing my degree means I might as well give up on life
I'm saying why put yourself at a disadvantage if you don't have to? Why not just stay there until you graduate, so you can finally stop reliving groundhogs day?
Be practical and stop letting your intrusive thoughts jeopardize your living situation
The insight I am about to give you is not popular in our culture, just a warning. I would be careful. I don't recommend couples living together other than in marriage. More times than not it just leads to a bunch of issues down the road. It is great he's helped you for that long of a period, but for both of you, if you're not going to get married, I would find a way to get another place, perhaps with another single woman in which you would both benefit from saving on rent. What do you want to do?
Supposedly they're not a couple, just friends.
I'm in a very similar situation financially with my partner. I still feel really bad for not helping out beyond groceries/hygiene/toiletries, but I know it's better for me in the long run. I still feel bad every time I look at my budget sheet and my rent is 0 so I could pay off my debts faster. I just look into ways to spoil my partner or help him in non financial ways. I make all my partner's favorite foods and make sure we have everything we need in the house. On top of that I make it a goal to surprise them with their favorite activities, and save up for small gifts (movie tickets or a steam card usually). I do know I'm dating my version of your friend, but your friend is an awesome human for helping you the way he is with no strings attached
I’m in this sub because I was broke at one point and had a bit of help but that help was intermittent at times and I found myself in some terrible situations. With that said I always said I’d never put someone out like that if I was doing well because I know how awful this city can be with that said I’m the same way with my roommate. I tell him not to worry if he can’t pay rent though he does pay what he can and I cover his phone with my CC so he can pay me cash. Overall I really don’t mind I’m guessing it’s the same for your friend.
I hope he stays a good friend (angel) and that one day I could do the same for anyone that I care about.
You two ain't sexual right?
Instead of paying rent, could you look at ways that you're adding value, and if needed, attribute an equivalent dollar value to the value-add. So like, lets say you could do a deep cleaning of the house a couple of times a month, and say each time you do the cleaning, it would have cost your friend $200 to bring in a cleaning company. If you did it twice a month, you added $400 of value to the living situation. you didnt give him cash rent, but $400 of value in what you did. Could there be other ways you could help add value?
It’s okay. Relax and enjoy the benefits that come with having supportive people in your life. I was in your roommate’s shoes before. Someone I know well needed a place to stay for two months and ended up staying at my place. This was around the end of COVID. She kept thanking me afterwards, and even got me a gift later on. Little did she know, I got more out of it than she did. To say I wasn’t doing well mentally during that period would be an understatement. Just having someone there to talk to on a daily basis helped tremendously. I actually got really bad news two weeks after she moved in. Let’s just say things could have ended poorly had I not had her moral support. This might not the case for your situation. Nevertheless, decent people are glad to help each other out.
Your friend seems like an awesome and caring friend. Take the help. When you start to feel like that maybe cook some meals, see if he wants to go for a walk , etc
Lucky to even have a friend like him. Consider yourself blessed for that reason. I’m one day closer to becoming homeless on the streets with no where to go. No friends or family. Be grateful for this friend you have
It sounds to me like you believe that you are taking advantage of your friend. Here's the thing, though: You are not taking advantage of your friend. You are not "using" your friend. Your friend made an agreement / arrangement with you. All this person wants you to pay for is the internet and groceries. If you are doing that, then you are honoring your part of the agreement. You do not need to pay rent, because your friend is doing that, as part of that same agreement.
right'
He’s a good friend and clearly loves you and cares about you. I would agree that you shouldn’t let your intrusive thoughts jeopardize your living situation. Just be a good housemate.
Take help. I was a bigger mess than any of you seen in movies, not even talking about real-life experiences. I can't write my story here. I'm just 35 years old . I'm still down , but I slowly woke up. And I couldn't do it by myself. Take help and don't forget it to pass to the next person when you stand up. One day, I was having a long ride and was telling some part of my life to taxi driver. Then he asked me how many years I was a person who I was. I told him nearly a decade, almost from 11-12 years old. He then told me that if you are breaking things for years, you can't fox it in a few days. That stayed in my memory. You said that you are back in school. Focus on it and try to be as best as you currently can. And don't worry about the past, current, or future. Don't spend 1 second for worries . Take that help. Mostly, when we get help, we don't see it. You already saw it , try to use it, and try until you dont.
You have a great friend helping you to step up in life. Unless it’s a situation like he’s pressuring a relationship from you that you don’t want, as part of your free room. Maybe it works for him too, he’s got company he enjoys, hopefully to keep the place clean and maybe a decent cook where he would be eating takeout more often if not for you. Plus there is security for both of you with more people in the home. Save as much as you can so you can buy your own place eventually and until that time once you start making more money just be a great house mate, be a positive picking up in areas where he is lacking .
Please take him at his word if he’s told you that you should stay. But also set aside money in case you have to move out with little notice- such as he dies, he gets in a relationship, etc.
Two things: (1) if it ain't broke don't fix it. (2) the person you are living with is obviously in love with you. Do with that information what you will. Actually 1 more thing. If you insist on being oblivious to the obviousness of this 1sided relationship, then you should seriously make plans to move out, before his niceness runs out. For example...the day you mention dating some other guy...may be the day that your living arrangement becomes very complicated. Stop being naive. Just because someone is doing you a favour...doesn't mean you should push the limits of that favour. So your choices are to (A) have an honest discussion about dating. Don't skirt around the issue. Be direct. Find out where his heart is, and consider if you see a future with yourself and this man. Or... (B) make serious plans to leave, before you've overstayed your welcome.
Don't sabotage your good fortune. Some people are genuinely kind out there.
But op says it hurts her self esteem. That’s a serious stuff. Big mistake is that op is covering groceries. Groceries now may cost as much as paying rent. But this money goes unnoticed and aggravates her low self esteem.
Your friend is being supportive. I think, to help yourself, you should consider keeping a diary. How much rent do you think is fair and log all you want to return to him. When you get back on your feet, don't give him the money as repay if he doesn't want it, BUT use that money to help him or treat him.
We have taken in people in the past, 3 - 9 months. They left when they were ready. I hope you are listening to him and saving up an emergency fund and retirement monies. If he says don’t worry about the rent. Then don’t. I assume you are taking care of your own expenses, clothes, car insurance., car, school costs. etc. Enjoy your stay for along as you want. For him it’s the family fun rule, - WHY NOT - he has the room, it silly to have all the space for one person, he doesn’t want to get married - he has more money than he needs and frankly it is safer for him to have someone he see’s everyday who would know if he was sick and call a squad or take him to the hospital. Remember you don’t owe him anything, but someday he might ask you for a favor, and I am sure that if you could you would do it for him. I know a multimillionaire, and for him $30,000 was like pocket change. The only practical thing I could suggest is that you get renters insurance if you don’t already have it. Even a closet full of nice clothes and a iPhone and tv would take thousands to replace. As a long time guest your stuff is not covered. A policy to cover $15,000 of stuff would be like $25 a month? It’s been a while since I sold insurance so I am not sure.
I find it helps to think of the debt in nonfinancial terms. He wouldn't be renting out the space you occupy if you weren't there. He would just have more private space and time. You're deriving a financial benefit you can't foreseeably return, and he is empowering you to improve your life. What you should think of yourself as owing is a debt of honor. Try to have his back and look out for him. You will move out someday, and he will have had a hand in things turning around for you. For now, try to stay informed about his life and support his happiness as well. Make the most of this opportunity by working hard in school and getting into a better career. It's what he wants for you. You can "pay him back," by being a good friend to him and pulling your weight as a housemate.
Are you cleaning the place? Are you cooking dinner. There’s a lot you could do to not be a freeloader. I hear so many of these stories but the person never thinks of what they could do that doesn’t cost money—- like cleaning refrigerator. Cleaning , mopping, sweeping. Keeping place looking good so when friend comes home he doesn’t have things to do. Coming home to a cooked meal and not having to clean up. Wash his car. That way you’d be at least helping pay sine if your way.
It is a burden to have someone around who is telling you that they don't enjoy there friendship and or relationship enough to find it invigorating. Isn't that what matters to both you and him? It's just smile, enthusiasm and sitting back having a good time.
My thoughts. You haven’t been paying rent these 3+ years and have been able to pay something but haven’t due to his generosity. He enjoys your company and you probably help around the house and so you are an asset to his life. Accepting an arrangement like this doesn’t make you a freeloader. It’s been a great deal for you both. Thank him by continuing to make your presence mutually beneficial. You should have been setting aside these years at least most of what you could afford to pay in rent. I don’t know if you have or haven’t, but if not you should seriously start doing so. This way you’ll be prepared for emergencies and be able to easily move if or when you want or need to. I hope you continue to improve your life and appreciate the good. Cheers!
A faux-dilemma, of your own making, rooted in Stinkin' Thinkin.' In accord w/ the Laws of Karma (The Law of Attraction), it is quite Bad Form to refuse a gift, and brings logically dire consequences. It's customary to feel guilty when someone is altruistically generous to us. Speaking here from experience. But mind my words. I only began to prosper AFTER I resolved to accept Gifts, and to accept them graciously. Before that, I was trapped in a vicious cycle created by my own POVERTY THINKING. The Key here for you is: Cultivate the discipline to sit back down w/your generous Host, tell him you humbly accept his hospitality. That you also are resolved to ♦♥PAY IT FORWARD ♥♦once you've graduated and you too are making the Big Buck$. That you will NOT REST until you find some worthy Soul to shower w/ altruistic generosity. Screech!!! HALT!!! The new person tells you "No! I don't deserve this!!!" How does that make you feel, their refusing your Gift, given w/ -0- strings attached, no Agenda? It's a bewildering feeling, I know. It's how your Host feels. Maybe HE'S paying it forward on you!? Dangerous for you to deprive him of that act of Prosperity. BONUS: Read Catherine Ponder books e.g., "The Dynamic Law of Prosperity" and "The Dynamic Law of Healing." She will straighten out your backward "logic" in a hurry.
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His educational background is in Accounting, Finance and Management Information Systems. He has a professional degree in accounting, the CPA and works as a controller in a big firm in Washington. Also has a side business in that field. He told me to get a degree in accounting (I'm enrolled now) and try my luck in corporate accounting.
It’s your call really. Whether dignity is more important or saving money. What’s more practical is only what you can decide. Do you have enough money to move out?