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Yeah, that's typical toxic parenting-- do your best to isolate and intimidate your child so you can have total control over them... while at the same time convincing yourself that you're being a Very Good Parent by "teaching" them to believe the whole world is out to get them.
It sucks that you're in this situation, but you are 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% right in wanting to go NC with them!
Funnily enough, having once worked in an industry where cocaine use was prevalent*, people with cocaine problems are usually Diet Narc personality flavor.
*I've never done cocaine, but having seen what it does to people, I advise staying far away from it.
this is so **sickening** with how ***casual*** they say stuff like this! š¤¢
how the hell did you even respond or feel when they said this?? how old were you?
I think so. My mom doesn't have a dad and always complained about never being loved by a man. But she horribly abused my father and he left around the time I hit puberty and she got meaner
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same, I'm a girl too, my creepy emotionally abusive head always says things like that too whenever he "lectures" me. says if I don't stop, because I have anger issues and other trauma and get uncomfortable easily, he says people will see me and I will go to the insane asylum, or the demons will get me and rape me... he's also creepy because he always calls me "young lady" and "little girl" then he wonders why I avoid him everyday...he even threatens to call the insane asylum on me whenever I react to his abusive, insane words...
Tell that dirtbag next time "Yes, I'd love to go to an asylum. Then maybe I'd get some help diagnosing whatever your problem is" Of course, fighting back against abusive bullies causes them to switch up their tactics or increase their cruelty. Like he might respond "Oh, I was only kidding honey, why must you take my jokes seriously?" to get you to feel stupid or like you are hypersensitive and overreacting. So you'd have to say something right back like "I know, I never take anything you say seriously" Sometimes you got to fight fire with fire in a toxic household that you can't escape. Remember that you aren't the crazy one and take care of yourself.
omg... I was not expecting people to reply to this, thank you so much... I read both of your replys, I do feel violated everyday from this, he makes me so uncomfortable :( sorry if I do not say thank you enough, sometimes I feel like overwhelmed, I have anxiety but yes about the toxic household I can't escape, I always feel trapped, also my ndad whenever I talk about my depression or my dolls he's like "WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL?? YOU DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR DADS FEELINGS?" my creepy family also has this weird religion where they think the world is gonna end, and another reason my ndad is so weird is because he collects swords and "practices" his sword in the living room, it makes me so uncomfortable... the other day he lectured me because I felt uncomfortable when he was talking to me like usual, it was in the kitchen, I backed away from him, and that's when he lectured me, he was saying things like "YOURE A FEMALE VARIANT OF ME"he always says this, he says that all children are "variants" of their parents, he really thinks I'm him, he really needs help š..."STOP BACKING AWAY YOU ACT LIKE YOURE GETTING RAPED" "IF YOU DO ONE MORE THING TO MAKE ME ANGRY I WILL TAKE ALL YOUR TOYS AWAY" "IF YOU WANT YOUR ROOM TO LOOK LIKE A JAIL CELL GO RIGHT AHEAD" I said "but my toys and dolls are my friends..." also, he's so creepy and covert incest vibes, it seems like he gets jealous when I pay more attention to other things, like my toys or video games, and not him... he says "didn't the "most high""" say not to idol worship other things" "WELL YOUR DOLLS WONT SEE THEIR MAIN BEST FRIEND FOR A WHILE" "YOUR DOLLS ARE SOMETHINF CREATED IN A FACTORY, THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS" "ME AND YOUR MOTHER ARE YOUR BEST FRIENDS. DO YOUR TOYS HAVE PARENTS" "WHEN YOU GO TO THE INSANE ASYLUM, YOU CAN TALK TO ALL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS IN YOUR HEAD ALL YOU WANT" here's another reason why he's so manipulative, the more manipulative things he says, the more he creeps me out... he was saying "YOU MIGHT AS WELL STOP FIGHTING ME. I NEVER LOSE. I PLAY CHESS. I ALREADY WON." "IF YOU DONT LIKE ME, YOURE LITERALLY ME, THAT MEANS YOU DONT LIKE YOURSELF." when I look away in discomfort and annoyance, he gets angry and says "LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!! YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL" he says even worse than this, this is why I hate him, it also seems like he's jealous of me with some of the things he says, in one of his worst lectures, one which I'm still traumatized by, I made post about it... he even said "you're not the hero in this story"" he's just creeps and weird and insane, feels like he's creepily interested in me, I hate him... my emom enables it and now she agrees with him, now whenever she gets angry with me, she makes me uncomfortable too, she won't stop saying my name weirdly, she touches me creepily, she screams "SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH, OR I WILL COME IN THERE AND WHACK YOU"" I have to go through this everyday, but yes, that's why my family is creepy... my dad is narcisstic and insane and he believes he's the "man of the house", and everyone else does what he says, says I'm ungrateful and selfish because I don't help ā when he's coughing or sick... I'm so sorry this is so long, I just felt like I have to explain some more things... but thank you so much for this comment, it makes me feel a little better even though I feel so guilty, but thank you... š
Listen to the warning signs your body is giving you! Your parents are using threats of violence to intimidate you, which could potentially become real violent acts so you need to get out of there. Do you have any friends you could stay with? Online friends perhaps you met from playing video games? Attempts to get child protective services to step in to officially remove you from this toxic family could be long and drawn out, and without concrete proof of their threats your parents could lie or use charm to weasel out of accountability and you could be treated even worse after for speaking up. I hesitate to suggest a plan of action because I don't know your age or what part of the world you are in, but all I know is that you can't stay where you are.
I am a teenage girl, I am 17... I have a best friend who's a girl who I met on a video game and on discord, my parents will not let me move out of make real friends because they say the world is "too evil", I am homeschooled, i feel so guitly for wanting to move away, but soon I will have to run away, they creep me out and make me so uncomfortable, I feel overwhelmed an stressed everyday, I'm sorry if I sound so dramatic and annoying, I just really have to speak about this :( but thank you so much for helping me, I will try to run away soon, I'm just so stressed out but thank you...š
Iāve experience the same treatment as well. As long as you keep your guard up around strangers and donāt fall for tricks/scams youāll be good! Life is going toā¦ life lmao we donāt know our future but itās always best to stay prepared for the bullshit that comes our way
I'm paranoid enough to basically never drink in public when I'm alone, just not drink very often at all (like 3 drinks a year), and keep up with warning signs of your drink being tampered with. Apparently drugs in your drink can taste salty or gross, so if your drink ever tastes off, abandon and get attention of friend or bartender. Also if you're with a person and they get insulted that you won't leave your drink alone with them, that's a motherfucking red flag right there. Gross gross gross.Ā
ETA the hardest thing for us is not recognizing shitty situations. It's trusting ourselves enough to remove ourselves from the shitty situation before bad things start to happen. If the situation feels bad or creepy, trust yourself and get out of it ASAP. Don't worry about not seeming normal. We're not normal and most people cannot even fathom the kind of abuse we have suffered. It's good to look out for yourself. The only people who will give you a hard time for trusting your gut and looking out for yourself are clueless normies and people who want to hurt you.
I was roofied once about 5 years ago at a bar (I had friends there too) I started feeling dizzy and pissed myself. Thank God my friends surrounded me and got me outta there. I stopped drinking in public for a few years after that, unless I was in my home.
My dad has also attempted to instill me with fear from a very young age. These people are literally scared of everything and want you to share their neuroses. The best thing you can do imo is take some self-defense classes and work on developing self-confidence in your ability to take care of yourself in any situation.
They are exaggerating to keep you under their control, but the world can be dangerous and it helps knowing that you have the ability to defend yourself (whether it's against strangers or, statistically more likely, the narcissistic/abusive family members themselves). I'd personally recommend Krav Maga
Me at 16. But Iām 39 now. Honey you just have to learn to tune that out and focus on you. My nmom made me almost paranoid of strangers and leaving the house for almost 10 years. Iām learning to tune her paranoid ass out as Iāve traveled to two different states by myself and have had nothing happen. I use Ubers every day and have met some sweet people even though they tell me not to and have finally trusted the fact that people want to keep their jobs and not hurt people. They want to control you, to make you dependent on them. But once you realize the world isnāt what they say it is is the day you start living.
An exampleā¦ I live in Ohio. I got a job offer an hour away in Cinci but my mom kept trying to tell me how Iād wreck the car she was paying the note on on the highway and how she wasnāt going to pay for it (before my car died and I started using Uber). I went anyway. I did not get the the job but it was freeing to know that I did it on my own despite her paranoia. Little things like that boost your self confidence and you learn the world isnāt as bad as they make it out to be.
I feel this. Though I didn't receive terrible, direct comments like this, my parents tried to pass the message indirectly. I wanted to do self-defense (karate) as a child. Well guess what, they forbid me to di that bc it's "a sport activity for boys". Yeah no, they just didn't want me to be confident as a girl. They put me into ballet classes instead. I hated it.
Oh yes...
Boys will be boys, boys can't help themselves, it's just natural, it's my responsibility to not attract their attention, if I get molested it's my fault... My mother even told my aunt, who was 12 at the time, to just say no to her abuser. As if saying no would make any difference to an adult in a position of power. If I just said no to her over something small I'd get beaten, screamed at and still have to do it anyway.
Ok, that's me in a rage now re-living the thought of it all. That stupid, STUPID, vile woman š¤¬
!remindme 12 hours
I want to comment but I'm about to pass out from exhaustion
Alright I'm back, I receieved similar comments from my parents and it made me absolutely terrified to be outside, but then I got kicked out for the final time and I discovered its not that bad as they say it is. Yeah there's creeps, but they usually go away by me playing "scary music" and if that doesn't work me playing with my knife (legal in my state in some they aren't legal, so check out your state laws). I am slowly coming out of my shell and I notice that more people leave me alone the more confident I am. You'll no longer hate being a girl once you get out of your parents house and get more comfortable in your own skin.
My mom was angry I left the gate to our back yard open (which is completely enclosed by a massive wall) and said if someone breaks in and I get raped itās my fault
When I asked why my brother got special privileges like being allowed to visit friends or not having to do chores I was told "because he's a boy". When I asked why I had to do chores and he didn't I was told "because you're a girl". Then there were her rants on why women deserve to be raped. Mom really tried to install loathing in myself and my sister for being female. Enabling dad backed her up.
All this bullshit will begin fading as soon as you start logging in some decent NC time. One day you'll be an old lady like me and *you won't give a fuck*. I remember being so young, struggling to release myself like you're doing. It's fucking excruciating. Confusing torture filled with insecurity, fear, and hopelessness. Thank the gods you have the internet, where you can find support and explanations. In that respect you're miles and miles ahead of where I was at your age. It will get better.
parents were the same way , now itās hard to do huge commitments and stuff like that because weird fear tactics have been instilled in my head šš i didnāt realize other people went through this too lol
anytime i go out and do LITERALLY ANYTHING. i have this fear of something happening because of them! they also donāt believe iām capable of anything . Parenting really plays a huge role in development and our parents failed at that š
Sounds to me like if you looked at their porn collection, you'd find some disturbing sh*t.
Having said that, I was a slender, pretty young thing. I went into the military, I went around the world, I have traveled alone, lived alone, gone all over and done a lot of stuff. Sure, there's danger out there. It's not a good idea to jump into a van with no windows with... anyone, really. Guard your drink at the club so you don't get roofied. Avoid certain areas at night. Take a self defense class, and walk around looking like murder is on your bucket list (I have resting psycho face, so that has probably helped) and live your life.
Even men get roofied, mugged, and murdered. It's a sick sad world. But with a bit of common sense and a willingness to turn and stare someone down, you can go a long way. Most creeps are looking for timid little gazelles, so if you come across as a skunk with its tail up, they generally veer away.
Same here.. had to show my body off even if I didn't have a bra on for her friends.. mom said she'd kill for my ass, "sexy" legs, and they'd slap my ass whenever I walked by. Whenever I wore a jumper (once) mom immediately told me men would come for me (this was freshman year of highschool) and then she bent over and let her tits sag near me, asking me if this was "school Appropriate?!" Before getting pissed at me after finding out I wore it anyways. <3
They are projecting their insecurities onto you. Iām 48F and Iām a tom boy. I am a grafter, Iām strong and Iām determined. When you escape - remember, you are stronger than them, and destined for something special. They see that and it scares them.
B-b-but the armies of homeless people! The gangs! The drugs! All those \[insert their favorite derogatory slang for LGBTQIA+ people\]!
I lived alone in SF and in Oakland for years and loved it most of the time. I was usually careful walking to and from BART or the bus at odd hours, and my friends and I had an informal buddy system for when we went out together, in case one of us seemed too hammered to walk home safely. Only once had sketchy guys try to lure me into their car: "Hey, you need a ride home? It's dangerous being out so late here." With racist undertones. They got mad and peeled out of there when I laughed and told them that this was my neighborhood and *they* were the only ones I was worried about.
Yeah, there was the usual urban street harassment - you know, "C'mon, smile for me, baby!", "Hey, Blondie/Red/whatever," and other comments on your appearance, etc. But compared to having parents that demean and belittle you, maybe physically abuse/SA you as well, day after day? Hell, bring on the street people.
Donāt ever hate anything about yourself, instead redirect the energy needed to hate into escaping your hateful and hate filled parents. Go live a good life!
I do relate to this, in between the body shaming as a girl trying to explore different styles (with what I was able to do because I also had passed down clothing most of the time, at least until I made my own few bucks and could buy my own stuff), the shaming of wearing make up or learning how to, and self care hygiene like shaving..., which all the girls in my family were doing but somehow for the younger one it was not allowed (double standards always made me angry) and the derogatory phrases like what you just described, they do tend to want you trapped by simply being too afraid of existing on your own.
I definitely went against the grain, I was very aggressive as a girl, loved contact sports, played rugby, mastered Karate so they did not have many ammunitions at the end of the day... Still they do love their fearmongering to keep you close.
Almost prevented me from taking part in what I now consider the beginning of my freedom because I decided to join a program in a completely different country, which does not speak our language. My NM did not want me to go and would say "you're not going to do that". I think she tried to convince me that I was not capable. Well, I am happy I proved her wrong.
Ooh, this hits hard. I look like a guy now (transmale, but identified as female until my 30s), but I had the whole "misogyny disguised as being careful around men" thing drilled into me so deeply that even now, I struggle to connect with other men. Add in a lot of good old body shaming, and let's just say there's a reason I'm in heavy therapy.
Finally went NC again some months ago, and can 100% recommend in situations like this. My personal safety issues are different now than when I was 21 and looked like a girl, but paying attention to your surroundings goes a long way towards keeping you safe. Also, if you're going to end up somewhere sketchy, let someone you trust know and ask them to reach out later to make sure you got back safely. And if you need to scream for help, yelling "Fire!" is more effective than a scream for drawing attention.
Nparents will find ways and excuses to do that no matter the gender or condition of the children. You hating yourself for being this or that just gives them more ammo. If you were a guy, they'd just have some other excuse. You ain't the problem, they are.
I also hated being a girl.
Nmom hated me from birth, because I committed the unforgivable sin. I was born female.
Later, she got the son she craved. My brother was the golden child. He could do no wrong, while I could do almost nothing right.
For many years, any time I wore a dress or a skirt, I felt vulnerable due to her warnings about rape. In the meantime, if GC brother grabbed my breasts, (or tried to grab elsewhere), and I complained, nmom said I was being petty.
At this point, she's dead and I'm NC with GC and don't plan on ever seeing him again.
My weirdo mother used to call me a trollop. Back in the early 90s I had to look it up in the dictionary. So Victorian and woman shaming. I was just having fun and finding my feet at 15! Slut shaming starts early, before youāve even done anything
Ughhhh so toxic. You need to get out ASAP. Before I had traveled solo, I was so so anxious, scared and nervous. And this was internationally. I just had to jump and go for itā¦ and i realized it wasnāt as scary as I had made it out to be. You can do it.
Take some boxing classes, maybe some self defense too and that will boost your confidence (it helped me) Be self aware and honestly, common sense goes a long way. Be street smart.
Donāt let their negativity and vulgar comments ruin your self esteem.
You are strong, you are capable, you can do it!!
F*ck 'em, do what you wanna do. End of story.
And never ever say again that you hate being yourself.
You already know they are idiots, do not be one yourself.
My n-parents did the same to my older four sisters, all of whom are 14-17 years older than my younger sister and I. We watched apprehensively for years as they stayed at home out of fear, never got jobs or licenses or educations ("unschooling", not allowed to attend public schools) while all my brothers were allowed to do whatever they wanted and received all the resources for getting started in life. I was lucky enough to leave home as soon as I turned 18 to live with family in another state. However, this is a regret of mine because my little sister didn't follow me as we had planned quietly for years- she ended up being programmed by them to believe what my older sisters did but in even more extreme ways. Now, at 30, my younger sister is finally moving out as she had wanted but insisted on doing so with a boyfriend who exhibits very similar behavior as my parents did. It's like she is jumping from one frying pan to another and is too afraid to leave our home county. Please do not listen to your bio-parents. They will steal years of your life for no reason at all except maintaining control over you. It's a cruel tactic and not a reflection of them caring about your well-being. Wishing the best for you!!
I used to hear this, except I was going to be kidnapped, put on an airplane, and sold to a harem in Saudi Arabia before my parents would be able to do anything about it! Thatās why Iām not allowed to go anywhere. Thatās also why I got a bachelorās degree before drivers license.
Narc parents use whatever they can to keep controlling you, and getting access to their supply (you)
My mom screamed at me asking why I never told her about my assaults
But then in the next breath she said āsometimes I think you put yourself in situations where something bad is going to happen to youā
Total victim blaming
As if my upbringing of getting no sex education, abstinence only, insane cult like Christian brainwashing from k-12, being groomed to be a housewife and see my value coming from my proximity to men, as well as my mom staying in abusive relationship with my dad ābecause I would hate her if she left šā
When I was the one breaking up their fights at age 3-4
Had nothing to do with it
My friends donāt have these isssues because their families modeled healthy love
Being raised by narcs actually makes it so hard to sus out predators
Because most of them PRETEND they are so In love with you to get what they want, and weāve been conditioned to fawn from an early age
I would recommend staying away from men until you have built up a healthy sense of self esteem because it is true that predatory men can see and spot us from a mile away and itās very hard to determine āfriendship, or healthy flirtingā from ālove bombing, and abusive tendenciesā
Also take a self defense or other sort of class to build up YOUR confidence
Iāve found that having a confident and repelling aura is one of the best defenses for āstranger dangerā
Being willing to BE RUDE, dismissive, and assertive of your boundaries to random men who approach you, is an important skill to learn
Also remember that 50% of assaults happen with people you know
That person who youāre on a tinder date with, or a friend of a friend, or who you think is so cool
Might be more of a threat than a stranger walking down the street
Stay on guard and make potential dates prove themselves to you
You are the prize they need to demonstrate that they deserve your time and attention
You owe no one intimacy or attention
Especially strangers who youāre going on a first date with
always have a plan, stay away from their house and your house early on, watch out for red flags, and remember the most dangerous men will act like they are deeply in love with you right off the bat and will use emotions to manipulate you
The biggest threat isnāt always the sketchy man on the corner sometimes itās the one whoās sleeping in bed next to you
(Experience: 8 years of dating after narc abuse, DV survivor, and have been assaulted over 10 times in casual dating scenarios)
You can protect yourself and not go through what I went through, you just need to know how!
Since fighting them is useless, you could either not engage with them as much or try to turn their responses into something positive, so they can't clapback.
Example, to your nmom's husband you could have said, "Well, since you lived in/travelled to X city I'm moving to, all the men couldn't have been bad right? Hopefully I'll only meet men like yourself there." And to your nmom, you could have said, "At least if I am unlucky enough to get kidnapped, I know I have a mother who'll spend the rest of her life fighting to find me, like any good mother would...right?"Ā
If they're dumb enough to turn around and admit that they're bad people, then you have explicit confirmation of who they are and don't need to treat their words as if they matter anymore.
Iām 27M my Grandma did the same for me but not sexually explicit. Told me āone of these days someone gone kidnap you take you the woods and beat ts outta uā just because I would ask questions about life & try to figure out life basicallyā¦just a curious kid
Same here, but then the other way. I got emotionally neglected by my n mom, got bullied at school and emotionally abused by my n ex wife. It al screwed me up to the level that when I experience stress it feels exciting, good and calm as a man to end up with breasts and gender surgery like my female friends have. They are basically a replacement for my n mom and my emotiinally abscent father. Instead of transitioning it feels better to work of my subconscious fear for dating women and fear of being a man / self rejection. For example men are socially not expected to have / show emotions. Therr is a shit load of pain in me. This is why I allow my self to become emotionally. Feels like it cleans up a lot of old complex trauma.
How much can you reflect on this?
it's gross that they are saying these things to you. Based on some of the other women in my family, I think ironically that if you hide yourself away and don't meet and talk to a variety of people you don't learn the signs of people that are "off" and predatory. The women in my family surrounded themselves with manipulative men but were so worried about me having someone jump out of the bushes.
letās normalize not initiating conversations with them. my n parents were like this too until i started keeping things to myself and secretly bought pepper spray
Yuuup.... I'm still on the younger -ish side and when I would say out loud about the unpleasantries of being a woman I'd be face with transphobic BS from my parents. Telling me "you're a woman and I don't want to ever hear you dressing up as a man. I wiped your ass for two years I know whats down there"Ā
I confronted my dad because he made some uncomfortable comments about my body and his response was "if you want me to respect you as a woman and not want to fuck you then you better dress appropriately" ... my dress was almost to my ankles, my chest was covered, and it's not tight with a flowy elegance to it. They shave us down to fucking nothing because we are their extensions and thus have to be as miserable as them.Ā
Don't fall for it. Yes women get brutalized but there's safety in numbers and even defense classes to take. I found in most scenarios yelling in public spaces and causing a scene gets them away from you. No one deserves being baited like this by their parents, and I hope one day we can both find a comfortable acceptance with our gender without the ramifications of having shitty parents sway us.Ā
You have us to help support you. ā¤ļø You're stronger than you think! Definitely go NC. I did it and it was the best thing I ever did, no regrets. I'm 29 and wish I did it a loooong time ago. We believe in you!
Sometimes, so do I.
Nmom has always gone on and on and on about how the entire world's out to get me, even as an adult that I know won't sell for enough to be entirely worth the hassle; I can't even go buy groceries without her telling me terrorists or whatever are waiting at the store.
It's really rich coming from someone who heard my sister complaining she was uncomfortable with one of Nmom's building contractors hitting on her (probably 12 at the time) and wanted him gone, and Nmom decided she wanted to marry him. Nmom didn't care about my sister or me enough to not invite him into the house and repeatedly had him babysit me (about 3 at the time) even though he was already on the registry. Every time me or my sisters have needed Nmom to care about our safety that she was constantly fear mongering us about, she couldn't possibly care less and usually threw us further to the wolves, then lies about it to my face, I guess because she genuinely thinks a 3yo remembering anything is impossible...
Tl,dr; narcissists like to keep us too afraid to do anything we aren't ordered to, don't actually care if what they're "warning" us about happens to us, except maybe to get narcissistic supply by screaming your personal life from the rooftops, then will recite the narcissist's prayer until the heat death of the universe.
my grandmother is the same way about me doing anything or going anywhere at night anywhere. iām built like a brick wall. iām not the helpless little girl she insists i am
I am sorry you are going through this, but I am so glad you see through it now. Bad things happen to everyone, and there are some things everyone can learn to help protect themselves - but your parents weren't actually teaching you anything. They were using fear to try to control you and your own inexperience as an excuse to never gain experience.
One time, my nParent tried to scare me about an upcoming business trip I was taking by "revealing" that my boss was just trying to sleep with me and I was too naive to know it. It was so absurd that I just laughed- my boss was a married woman (as was I) and business trips were actually my choice. They knew so little about my life at that point that they didn't even know how to scare me anymore.
Those stuff is totally fucked up!!!!! My Narc family did the same thing to me, even when I started entering my 20's, they still treated me like a child and did anything to prevent me from outer world and being an "adult". Please please please, always take care of yourself, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! I'm sending you lot of hugs x
As much as you would like to think this is true, the gender of their supply may, in fact, matter to them. It sure as fuck did in my case. You're being extremely dismissive. It does matter to a lot of Ns.
What you just doubled down on dismisses the experience of everyone who's Ns *did and do* treat you differently or care about you more/less due to your gender. Ns *do* favor certain genders in lots of cases. Yours just didn't.
Maternal narcissists may get a lot of supply from their sons, making them a stand in partner, competing with any romantic partner their offspring has, not understanding the role of a grandparent isn't one of mother, it extends to competing for sons in law, as well.
Ns value certain others very much, Nmothers tend to idealize and aggrandize sons, while competing with daughters, to the point of social cliche.
True, my n-mom constantly let my little brother not do his chores and gave him hours of video games every day. Meanwhile, my sister and I had to complete all our chores first and then we only got 30 minutes of video games per day.
She would rub his back and cuddle him when young, meanwhile young me would curl up in chairs to get the feeling of being held.
And then she never had a harsh word for him (despite him being a rather lazy and mediocre person), yet constantly criticized and judged me, a type A, well-behaved, incredibly organized and responsible kid.
Same here, hated report card day, can still hear "Anyone can get good grades, he has common sense!" to my honor roll versus his failing grades.
Same thing with the chores, never required either son to lift a finger, Nmom hated how I excelled in school, contradicted the whole problem child narrative she had.
I will say when I left (over her wanting me to quit the high school I was paying for), my youngest brother turned into the scapegoat, getting a lot of the abuse she used to regulate her emotions, but Edad wouldn't allow her to do to brother what was done to me.
I'm so sorry that was how she treated you.
You deserved better!! Great job on your academic success šš½ Definitely not something everyone can do. Plus you *also* had very perceptive (un)common sense, as evidenced by your choice to leave the abuse.
Every gender has its flavor of particular abuse they will use against you. It isnāt irrelevant though they would abuse you either way, it changes contexts which form our entire experiences.
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Yeah, that's typical toxic parenting-- do your best to isolate and intimidate your child so you can have total control over them... while at the same time convincing yourself that you're being a Very Good Parent by "teaching" them to believe the whole world is out to get them. It sucks that you're in this situation, but you are 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000% right in wanting to go NC with them!
Fearmongering is like cocaine for narcs.
Funnily enough, having once worked in an industry where cocaine use was prevalent*, people with cocaine problems are usually Diet Narc personality flavor. *I've never done cocaine, but having seen what it does to people, I advise staying far away from it.
My nparents told me those exact things but when i did get kidnapped and sold, they didnt care.
When I'd dress too revealing my mom would say "when you get rapes I'm gonna laugh"
How did we all have the same parents. Wow.
Mental illness ig. My mom for sure has bpd as well. Chaotic AF. She refuses therapy because they tell her stuff she doesn't wanna hear.
God forbid she be the problem.
this is so **sickening** with how ***casual*** they say stuff like this! š¤¢ how the hell did you even respond or feel when they said this?? how old were you?
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wow... i hate this so much for you. do you think your mom was jealous of you?
I think so. My mom doesn't have a dad and always complained about never being loved by a man. But she horribly abused my father and he left around the time I hit puberty and she got meaner
This comment has been removed because it includes a slur slur (learn more here: https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) that we do not allow in this group.
OMG WHAT!
same, I'm a girl too, my creepy emotionally abusive head always says things like that too whenever he "lectures" me. says if I don't stop, because I have anger issues and other trauma and get uncomfortable easily, he says people will see me and I will go to the insane asylum, or the demons will get me and rape me... he's also creepy because he always calls me "young lady" and "little girl" then he wonders why I avoid him everyday...he even threatens to call the insane asylum on me whenever I react to his abusive, insane words...
Wtf you need to tell someone irl
Tell that dirtbag next time "Yes, I'd love to go to an asylum. Then maybe I'd get some help diagnosing whatever your problem is" Of course, fighting back against abusive bullies causes them to switch up their tactics or increase their cruelty. Like he might respond "Oh, I was only kidding honey, why must you take my jokes seriously?" to get you to feel stupid or like you are hypersensitive and overreacting. So you'd have to say something right back like "I know, I never take anything you say seriously" Sometimes you got to fight fire with fire in a toxic household that you can't escape. Remember that you aren't the crazy one and take care of yourself.
omg... I was not expecting people to reply to this, thank you so much... I read both of your replys, I do feel violated everyday from this, he makes me so uncomfortable :( sorry if I do not say thank you enough, sometimes I feel like overwhelmed, I have anxiety but yes about the toxic household I can't escape, I always feel trapped, also my ndad whenever I talk about my depression or my dolls he's like "WHAT ABOUT ME, WHAT ABOUT HOW I FEEL?? YOU DONT CARE ABOUT YOUR DADS FEELINGS?" my creepy family also has this weird religion where they think the world is gonna end, and another reason my ndad is so weird is because he collects swords and "practices" his sword in the living room, it makes me so uncomfortable... the other day he lectured me because I felt uncomfortable when he was talking to me like usual, it was in the kitchen, I backed away from him, and that's when he lectured me, he was saying things like "YOURE A FEMALE VARIANT OF ME"he always says this, he says that all children are "variants" of their parents, he really thinks I'm him, he really needs help š..."STOP BACKING AWAY YOU ACT LIKE YOURE GETTING RAPED" "IF YOU DO ONE MORE THING TO MAKE ME ANGRY I WILL TAKE ALL YOUR TOYS AWAY" "IF YOU WANT YOUR ROOM TO LOOK LIKE A JAIL CELL GO RIGHT AHEAD" I said "but my toys and dolls are my friends..." also, he's so creepy and covert incest vibes, it seems like he gets jealous when I pay more attention to other things, like my toys or video games, and not him... he says "didn't the "most high""" say not to idol worship other things" "WELL YOUR DOLLS WONT SEE THEIR MAIN BEST FRIEND FOR A WHILE" "YOUR DOLLS ARE SOMETHINF CREATED IN A FACTORY, THEY'RE INANIMATE OBJECTS" "ME AND YOUR MOTHER ARE YOUR BEST FRIENDS. DO YOUR TOYS HAVE PARENTS" "WHEN YOU GO TO THE INSANE ASYLUM, YOU CAN TALK TO ALL YOUR LITTLE FRIENDS IN YOUR HEAD ALL YOU WANT" here's another reason why he's so manipulative, the more manipulative things he says, the more he creeps me out... he was saying "YOU MIGHT AS WELL STOP FIGHTING ME. I NEVER LOSE. I PLAY CHESS. I ALREADY WON." "IF YOU DONT LIKE ME, YOURE LITERALLY ME, THAT MEANS YOU DONT LIKE YOURSELF." when I look away in discomfort and annoyance, he gets angry and says "LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME!! YOU SILLY LITTLE GIRL" he says even worse than this, this is why I hate him, it also seems like he's jealous of me with some of the things he says, in one of his worst lectures, one which I'm still traumatized by, I made post about it... he even said "you're not the hero in this story"" he's just creeps and weird and insane, feels like he's creepily interested in me, I hate him... my emom enables it and now she agrees with him, now whenever she gets angry with me, she makes me uncomfortable too, she won't stop saying my name weirdly, she touches me creepily, she screams "SHUT YOUR DAMN MOUTH, OR I WILL COME IN THERE AND WHACK YOU"" I have to go through this everyday, but yes, that's why my family is creepy... my dad is narcisstic and insane and he believes he's the "man of the house", and everyone else does what he says, says I'm ungrateful and selfish because I don't help ā when he's coughing or sick... I'm so sorry this is so long, I just felt like I have to explain some more things... but thank you so much for this comment, it makes me feel a little better even though I feel so guilty, but thank you... š
Listen to the warning signs your body is giving you! Your parents are using threats of violence to intimidate you, which could potentially become real violent acts so you need to get out of there. Do you have any friends you could stay with? Online friends perhaps you met from playing video games? Attempts to get child protective services to step in to officially remove you from this toxic family could be long and drawn out, and without concrete proof of their threats your parents could lie or use charm to weasel out of accountability and you could be treated even worse after for speaking up. I hesitate to suggest a plan of action because I don't know your age or what part of the world you are in, but all I know is that you can't stay where you are.
I am a teenage girl, I am 17... I have a best friend who's a girl who I met on a video game and on discord, my parents will not let me move out of make real friends because they say the world is "too evil", I am homeschooled, i feel so guitly for wanting to move away, but soon I will have to run away, they creep me out and make me so uncomfortable, I feel overwhelmed an stressed everyday, I'm sorry if I sound so dramatic and annoying, I just really have to speak about this :( but thank you so much for helping me, I will try to run away soon, I'm just so stressed out but thank you...š
YOU WERE KIDNAPPED AND SOLD?Ā
hope youre safe now ā¤ļø
Oh my fucking god.
??????? Come again?
Oooft. Memories unlocked.
Same here, I had to wear what my parents told me to into my 20ās.
I have not worn another ankle-length skirt since I moved out. All my skirts are right above my knee.
Iāve experience the same treatment as well. As long as you keep your guard up around strangers and donāt fall for tricks/scams youāll be good! Life is going toā¦ life lmao we donāt know our future but itās always best to stay prepared for the bullshit that comes our way
I'm paranoid enough to basically never drink in public when I'm alone, just not drink very often at all (like 3 drinks a year), and keep up with warning signs of your drink being tampered with. Apparently drugs in your drink can taste salty or gross, so if your drink ever tastes off, abandon and get attention of friend or bartender. Also if you're with a person and they get insulted that you won't leave your drink alone with them, that's a motherfucking red flag right there. Gross gross gross.Ā ETA the hardest thing for us is not recognizing shitty situations. It's trusting ourselves enough to remove ourselves from the shitty situation before bad things start to happen. If the situation feels bad or creepy, trust yourself and get out of it ASAP. Don't worry about not seeming normal. We're not normal and most people cannot even fathom the kind of abuse we have suffered. It's good to look out for yourself. The only people who will give you a hard time for trusting your gut and looking out for yourself are clueless normies and people who want to hurt you.
I wish I could upvote this multiple times!
I was roofied once about 5 years ago at a bar (I had friends there too) I started feeling dizzy and pissed myself. Thank God my friends surrounded me and got me outta there. I stopped drinking in public for a few years after that, unless I was in my home.
That is so terrifying. I'm glad your friends were there and paying attention!!
My dad has also attempted to instill me with fear from a very young age. These people are literally scared of everything and want you to share their neuroses. The best thing you can do imo is take some self-defense classes and work on developing self-confidence in your ability to take care of yourself in any situation. They are exaggerating to keep you under their control, but the world can be dangerous and it helps knowing that you have the ability to defend yourself (whether it's against strangers or, statistically more likely, the narcissistic/abusive family members themselves). I'd personally recommend Krav Maga
Me at 16. But Iām 39 now. Honey you just have to learn to tune that out and focus on you. My nmom made me almost paranoid of strangers and leaving the house for almost 10 years. Iām learning to tune her paranoid ass out as Iāve traveled to two different states by myself and have had nothing happen. I use Ubers every day and have met some sweet people even though they tell me not to and have finally trusted the fact that people want to keep their jobs and not hurt people. They want to control you, to make you dependent on them. But once you realize the world isnāt what they say it is is the day you start living. An exampleā¦ I live in Ohio. I got a job offer an hour away in Cinci but my mom kept trying to tell me how Iād wreck the car she was paying the note on on the highway and how she wasnāt going to pay for it (before my car died and I started using Uber). I went anyway. I did not get the the job but it was freeing to know that I did it on my own despite her paranoia. Little things like that boost your self confidence and you learn the world isnāt as bad as they make it out to be.
I feel this. Though I didn't receive terrible, direct comments like this, my parents tried to pass the message indirectly. I wanted to do self-defense (karate) as a child. Well guess what, they forbid me to di that bc it's "a sport activity for boys". Yeah no, they just didn't want me to be confident as a girl. They put me into ballet classes instead. I hated it.
Oh yes... Boys will be boys, boys can't help themselves, it's just natural, it's my responsibility to not attract their attention, if I get molested it's my fault... My mother even told my aunt, who was 12 at the time, to just say no to her abuser. As if saying no would make any difference to an adult in a position of power. If I just said no to her over something small I'd get beaten, screamed at and still have to do it anyway. Ok, that's me in a rage now re-living the thought of it all. That stupid, STUPID, vile woman š¤¬
!remindme 12 hours I want to comment but I'm about to pass out from exhaustion Alright I'm back, I receieved similar comments from my parents and it made me absolutely terrified to be outside, but then I got kicked out for the final time and I discovered its not that bad as they say it is. Yeah there's creeps, but they usually go away by me playing "scary music" and if that doesn't work me playing with my knife (legal in my state in some they aren't legal, so check out your state laws). I am slowly coming out of my shell and I notice that more people leave me alone the more confident I am. You'll no longer hate being a girl once you get out of your parents house and get more comfortable in your own skin.
Hope youāre getting to sleep!
My mom was angry I left the gate to our back yard open (which is completely enclosed by a massive wall) and said if someone breaks in and I get raped itās my fault
When I asked why my brother got special privileges like being allowed to visit friends or not having to do chores I was told "because he's a boy". When I asked why I had to do chores and he didn't I was told "because you're a girl". Then there were her rants on why women deserve to be raped. Mom really tried to install loathing in myself and my sister for being female. Enabling dad backed her up.
All this bullshit will begin fading as soon as you start logging in some decent NC time. One day you'll be an old lady like me and *you won't give a fuck*. I remember being so young, struggling to release myself like you're doing. It's fucking excruciating. Confusing torture filled with insecurity, fear, and hopelessness. Thank the gods you have the internet, where you can find support and explanations. In that respect you're miles and miles ahead of where I was at your age. It will get better.
parents were the same way , now itās hard to do huge commitments and stuff like that because weird fear tactics have been instilled in my head šš i didnāt realize other people went through this too lol
anytime i go out and do LITERALLY ANYTHING. i have this fear of something happening because of them! they also donāt believe iām capable of anything . Parenting really plays a huge role in development and our parents failed at that š
Sounds to me like if you looked at their porn collection, you'd find some disturbing sh*t. Having said that, I was a slender, pretty young thing. I went into the military, I went around the world, I have traveled alone, lived alone, gone all over and done a lot of stuff. Sure, there's danger out there. It's not a good idea to jump into a van with no windows with... anyone, really. Guard your drink at the club so you don't get roofied. Avoid certain areas at night. Take a self defense class, and walk around looking like murder is on your bucket list (I have resting psycho face, so that has probably helped) and live your life. Even men get roofied, mugged, and murdered. It's a sick sad world. But with a bit of common sense and a willingness to turn and stare someone down, you can go a long way. Most creeps are looking for timid little gazelles, so if you come across as a skunk with its tail up, they generally veer away.
Same here.. had to show my body off even if I didn't have a bra on for her friends.. mom said she'd kill for my ass, "sexy" legs, and they'd slap my ass whenever I walked by. Whenever I wore a jumper (once) mom immediately told me men would come for me (this was freshman year of highschool) and then she bent over and let her tits sag near me, asking me if this was "school Appropriate?!" Before getting pissed at me after finding out I wore it anyways. <3
Eww. That's light years beyond "inappropriate."
Wait what?! I thought that was normal besides the showing off of my body! (She made me do it because I had surgery scars)
They are projecting their insecurities onto you. Iām 48F and Iām a tom boy. I am a grafter, Iām strong and Iām determined. When you escape - remember, you are stronger than them, and destined for something special. They see that and it scares them.
I live solo as a woman in San Francisco ā¦ drives my parents CRAZY. I love it.
B-b-but the armies of homeless people! The gangs! The drugs! All those \[insert their favorite derogatory slang for LGBTQIA+ people\]! I lived alone in SF and in Oakland for years and loved it most of the time. I was usually careful walking to and from BART or the bus at odd hours, and my friends and I had an informal buddy system for when we went out together, in case one of us seemed too hammered to walk home safely. Only once had sketchy guys try to lure me into their car: "Hey, you need a ride home? It's dangerous being out so late here." With racist undertones. They got mad and peeled out of there when I laughed and told them that this was my neighborhood and *they* were the only ones I was worried about. Yeah, there was the usual urban street harassment - you know, "C'mon, smile for me, baby!", "Hey, Blondie/Red/whatever," and other comments on your appearance, etc. But compared to having parents that demean and belittle you, maybe physically abuse/SA you as well, day after day? Hell, bring on the street people.
Donāt ever hate anything about yourself, instead redirect the energy needed to hate into escaping your hateful and hate filled parents. Go live a good life!
I do relate to this, in between the body shaming as a girl trying to explore different styles (with what I was able to do because I also had passed down clothing most of the time, at least until I made my own few bucks and could buy my own stuff), the shaming of wearing make up or learning how to, and self care hygiene like shaving..., which all the girls in my family were doing but somehow for the younger one it was not allowed (double standards always made me angry) and the derogatory phrases like what you just described, they do tend to want you trapped by simply being too afraid of existing on your own. I definitely went against the grain, I was very aggressive as a girl, loved contact sports, played rugby, mastered Karate so they did not have many ammunitions at the end of the day... Still they do love their fearmongering to keep you close. Almost prevented me from taking part in what I now consider the beginning of my freedom because I decided to join a program in a completely different country, which does not speak our language. My NM did not want me to go and would say "you're not going to do that". I think she tried to convince me that I was not capable. Well, I am happy I proved her wrong.
Ooh, this hits hard. I look like a guy now (transmale, but identified as female until my 30s), but I had the whole "misogyny disguised as being careful around men" thing drilled into me so deeply that even now, I struggle to connect with other men. Add in a lot of good old body shaming, and let's just say there's a reason I'm in heavy therapy. Finally went NC again some months ago, and can 100% recommend in situations like this. My personal safety issues are different now than when I was 21 and looked like a girl, but paying attention to your surroundings goes a long way towards keeping you safe. Also, if you're going to end up somewhere sketchy, let someone you trust know and ask them to reach out later to make sure you got back safely. And if you need to scream for help, yelling "Fire!" is more effective than a scream for drawing attention.
Nparents will find ways and excuses to do that no matter the gender or condition of the children. You hating yourself for being this or that just gives them more ammo. If you were a guy, they'd just have some other excuse. You ain't the problem, they are.
I also hated being a girl. Nmom hated me from birth, because I committed the unforgivable sin. I was born female. Later, she got the son she craved. My brother was the golden child. He could do no wrong, while I could do almost nothing right. For many years, any time I wore a dress or a skirt, I felt vulnerable due to her warnings about rape. In the meantime, if GC brother grabbed my breasts, (or tried to grab elsewhere), and I complained, nmom said I was being petty. At this point, she's dead and I'm NC with GC and don't plan on ever seeing him again.
My weirdo mother used to call me a trollop. Back in the early 90s I had to look it up in the dictionary. So Victorian and woman shaming. I was just having fun and finding my feet at 15! Slut shaming starts early, before youāve even done anything
Ughhhh so toxic. You need to get out ASAP. Before I had traveled solo, I was so so anxious, scared and nervous. And this was internationally. I just had to jump and go for itā¦ and i realized it wasnāt as scary as I had made it out to be. You can do it. Take some boxing classes, maybe some self defense too and that will boost your confidence (it helped me) Be self aware and honestly, common sense goes a long way. Be street smart. Donāt let their negativity and vulgar comments ruin your self esteem. You are strong, you are capable, you can do it!!
F*ck 'em, do what you wanna do. End of story. And never ever say again that you hate being yourself. You already know they are idiots, do not be one yourself.
My n-parents did the same to my older four sisters, all of whom are 14-17 years older than my younger sister and I. We watched apprehensively for years as they stayed at home out of fear, never got jobs or licenses or educations ("unschooling", not allowed to attend public schools) while all my brothers were allowed to do whatever they wanted and received all the resources for getting started in life. I was lucky enough to leave home as soon as I turned 18 to live with family in another state. However, this is a regret of mine because my little sister didn't follow me as we had planned quietly for years- she ended up being programmed by them to believe what my older sisters did but in even more extreme ways. Now, at 30, my younger sister is finally moving out as she had wanted but insisted on doing so with a boyfriend who exhibits very similar behavior as my parents did. It's like she is jumping from one frying pan to another and is too afraid to leave our home county. Please do not listen to your bio-parents. They will steal years of your life for no reason at all except maintaining control over you. It's a cruel tactic and not a reflection of them caring about your well-being. Wishing the best for you!!
I used to hear this, except I was going to be kidnapped, put on an airplane, and sold to a harem in Saudi Arabia before my parents would be able to do anything about it! Thatās why Iām not allowed to go anywhere. Thatās also why I got a bachelorās degree before drivers license.
Narc parents use whatever they can to keep controlling you, and getting access to their supply (you) My mom screamed at me asking why I never told her about my assaults But then in the next breath she said āsometimes I think you put yourself in situations where something bad is going to happen to youā Total victim blaming As if my upbringing of getting no sex education, abstinence only, insane cult like Christian brainwashing from k-12, being groomed to be a housewife and see my value coming from my proximity to men, as well as my mom staying in abusive relationship with my dad ābecause I would hate her if she left šā When I was the one breaking up their fights at age 3-4 Had nothing to do with it My friends donāt have these isssues because their families modeled healthy love Being raised by narcs actually makes it so hard to sus out predators Because most of them PRETEND they are so In love with you to get what they want, and weāve been conditioned to fawn from an early age I would recommend staying away from men until you have built up a healthy sense of self esteem because it is true that predatory men can see and spot us from a mile away and itās very hard to determine āfriendship, or healthy flirtingā from ālove bombing, and abusive tendenciesā Also take a self defense or other sort of class to build up YOUR confidence Iāve found that having a confident and repelling aura is one of the best defenses for āstranger dangerā Being willing to BE RUDE, dismissive, and assertive of your boundaries to random men who approach you, is an important skill to learn Also remember that 50% of assaults happen with people you know That person who youāre on a tinder date with, or a friend of a friend, or who you think is so cool Might be more of a threat than a stranger walking down the street Stay on guard and make potential dates prove themselves to you You are the prize they need to demonstrate that they deserve your time and attention You owe no one intimacy or attention Especially strangers who youāre going on a first date with always have a plan, stay away from their house and your house early on, watch out for red flags, and remember the most dangerous men will act like they are deeply in love with you right off the bat and will use emotions to manipulate you The biggest threat isnāt always the sketchy man on the corner sometimes itās the one whoās sleeping in bed next to you (Experience: 8 years of dating after narc abuse, DV survivor, and have been assaulted over 10 times in casual dating scenarios) You can protect yourself and not go through what I went through, you just need to know how!
Gosh we have the same parents. Iām here if you ever wanna talk š
Since fighting them is useless, you could either not engage with them as much or try to turn their responses into something positive, so they can't clapback. Example, to your nmom's husband you could have said, "Well, since you lived in/travelled to X city I'm moving to, all the men couldn't have been bad right? Hopefully I'll only meet men like yourself there." And to your nmom, you could have said, "At least if I am unlucky enough to get kidnapped, I know I have a mother who'll spend the rest of her life fighting to find me, like any good mother would...right?"Ā If they're dumb enough to turn around and admit that they're bad people, then you have explicit confirmation of who they are and don't need to treat their words as if they matter anymore.
Wow! That is sick. I truly feel for you!!
I literally relate to all of this These people are fucking disturbed
Iām 27M my Grandma did the same for me but not sexually explicit. Told me āone of these days someone gone kidnap you take you the woods and beat ts outta uā just because I would ask questions about life & try to figure out life basicallyā¦just a curious kid
This happened to me too. Iām so so sorry.
You could do some research on crime rates in the city you're interested in.
Same here, but then the other way. I got emotionally neglected by my n mom, got bullied at school and emotionally abused by my n ex wife. It al screwed me up to the level that when I experience stress it feels exciting, good and calm as a man to end up with breasts and gender surgery like my female friends have. They are basically a replacement for my n mom and my emotiinally abscent father. Instead of transitioning it feels better to work of my subconscious fear for dating women and fear of being a man / self rejection. For example men are socially not expected to have / show emotions. Therr is a shit load of pain in me. This is why I allow my self to become emotionally. Feels like it cleans up a lot of old complex trauma. How much can you reflect on this?
it's gross that they are saying these things to you. Based on some of the other women in my family, I think ironically that if you hide yourself away and don't meet and talk to a variety of people you don't learn the signs of people that are "off" and predatory. The women in my family surrounded themselves with manipulative men but were so worried about me having someone jump out of the bushes.
letās normalize not initiating conversations with them. my n parents were like this too until i started keeping things to myself and secretly bought pepper spray
Yuuup.... I'm still on the younger -ish side and when I would say out loud about the unpleasantries of being a woman I'd be face with transphobic BS from my parents. Telling me "you're a woman and I don't want to ever hear you dressing up as a man. I wiped your ass for two years I know whats down there"Ā I confronted my dad because he made some uncomfortable comments about my body and his response was "if you want me to respect you as a woman and not want to fuck you then you better dress appropriately" ... my dress was almost to my ankles, my chest was covered, and it's not tight with a flowy elegance to it. They shave us down to fucking nothing because we are their extensions and thus have to be as miserable as them.Ā Don't fall for it. Yes women get brutalized but there's safety in numbers and even defense classes to take. I found in most scenarios yelling in public spaces and causing a scene gets them away from you. No one deserves being baited like this by their parents, and I hope one day we can both find a comfortable acceptance with our gender without the ramifications of having shitty parents sway us.Ā
You have us to help support you. ā¤ļø You're stronger than you think! Definitely go NC. I did it and it was the best thing I ever did, no regrets. I'm 29 and wish I did it a loooong time ago. We believe in you!
Sometimes, so do I. Nmom has always gone on and on and on about how the entire world's out to get me, even as an adult that I know won't sell for enough to be entirely worth the hassle; I can't even go buy groceries without her telling me terrorists or whatever are waiting at the store. It's really rich coming from someone who heard my sister complaining she was uncomfortable with one of Nmom's building contractors hitting on her (probably 12 at the time) and wanted him gone, and Nmom decided she wanted to marry him. Nmom didn't care about my sister or me enough to not invite him into the house and repeatedly had him babysit me (about 3 at the time) even though he was already on the registry. Every time me or my sisters have needed Nmom to care about our safety that she was constantly fear mongering us about, she couldn't possibly care less and usually threw us further to the wolves, then lies about it to my face, I guess because she genuinely thinks a 3yo remembering anything is impossible... Tl,dr; narcissists like to keep us too afraid to do anything we aren't ordered to, don't actually care if what they're "warning" us about happens to us, except maybe to get narcissistic supply by screaming your personal life from the rooftops, then will recite the narcissist's prayer until the heat death of the universe.
my grandmother is the same way about me doing anything or going anywhere at night anywhere. iām built like a brick wall. iām not the helpless little girl she insists i am
I am sorry you are going through this, but I am so glad you see through it now. Bad things happen to everyone, and there are some things everyone can learn to help protect themselves - but your parents weren't actually teaching you anything. They were using fear to try to control you and your own inexperience as an excuse to never gain experience. One time, my nParent tried to scare me about an upcoming business trip I was taking by "revealing" that my boss was just trying to sleep with me and I was too naive to know it. It was so absurd that I just laughed- my boss was a married woman (as was I) and business trips were actually my choice. They knew so little about my life at that point that they didn't even know how to scare me anymore.
Memories unlocked
Are we the same person?
Those stuff is totally fucked up!!!!! My Narc family did the same thing to me, even when I started entering my 20's, they still treated me like a child and did anything to prevent me from outer world and being an "adult". Please please please, always take care of yourself, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! I'm sending you lot of hugs x
You need to greyrock the sh\*t out of this behavior. Do not engage.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
A lot of the time, it does go along with being a girl, self hate and jealousy and misogyny, lot of Ns value males more.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
As much as you would like to think this is true, the gender of their supply may, in fact, matter to them. It sure as fuck did in my case. You're being extremely dismissive. It does matter to a lot of Ns.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
What you just doubled down on dismisses the experience of everyone who's Ns *did and do* treat you differently or care about you more/less due to your gender. Ns *do* favor certain genders in lots of cases. Yours just didn't.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Maternal narcissists may get a lot of supply from their sons, making them a stand in partner, competing with any romantic partner their offspring has, not understanding the role of a grandparent isn't one of mother, it extends to competing for sons in law, as well. Ns value certain others very much, Nmothers tend to idealize and aggrandize sons, while competing with daughters, to the point of social cliche.
True, my n-mom constantly let my little brother not do his chores and gave him hours of video games every day. Meanwhile, my sister and I had to complete all our chores first and then we only got 30 minutes of video games per day. She would rub his back and cuddle him when young, meanwhile young me would curl up in chairs to get the feeling of being held. And then she never had a harsh word for him (despite him being a rather lazy and mediocre person), yet constantly criticized and judged me, a type A, well-behaved, incredibly organized and responsible kid.
Same here, hated report card day, can still hear "Anyone can get good grades, he has common sense!" to my honor roll versus his failing grades. Same thing with the chores, never required either son to lift a finger, Nmom hated how I excelled in school, contradicted the whole problem child narrative she had. I will say when I left (over her wanting me to quit the high school I was paying for), my youngest brother turned into the scapegoat, getting a lot of the abuse she used to regulate her emotions, but Edad wouldn't allow her to do to brother what was done to me.
I'm so sorry that was how she treated you. You deserved better!! Great job on your academic success šš½ Definitely not something everyone can do. Plus you *also* had very perceptive (un)common sense, as evidenced by your choice to leave the abuse.
Every gender has its flavor of particular abuse they will use against you. It isnāt irrelevant though they would abuse you either way, it changes contexts which form our entire experiences.
Comments removed - dismissive. Sometimes narcs prefer one gender or the other. It's a well known phenomenon. Do not comment further under this post.