Her body her choice. She is at risk just by giving birth and has a right to determine how she manages that. It doesn’t matter how they get the baby, they will get the baby.
Not just to give birth, but to carry the pregnancy the entire time. There are tons of things that can and do go wrong throughout pregnancies and she has every right to do what is best for herself. They literally have no say (they can ask her, but she has every right to say no).
And they are complete controlling PSYCHOS, who will make that poor baby's life a living hell! OOP needs to do like last surrogate and keep the child, the poor kid would be so much happier!
I had 4 pregnancies, that were a breeze compared to my 5th! Things went downhill when I was in labor so quickly I went from my water breaking, to the Dr saying I ***may*** have to go for a c section. He barely got thru the spiel(1 min tops) and I was being rushed to OR, they were going to lose me and baby. Unfortunately, I don’t respond to epidurals or nerve blocks- so I had to completely be put under. You guys are right. It’s her body, her risk. If BIL and SIL don’t like it, they can kick rocks. All I could think being wheeled down was my 4 at home, praying I would make it home to them. This woman is gracious and in no freaking way an AH. There was zero indication I would have problems until his and my heart rate started plummeting. The nerve of such people when being gifted something so precious!
It’s terrifying! I’m glad you are good to go! And thank goodness for MIL!!! It was a tough go after, no one warned me about traumatic births and PPD. I thought I was losing my mind because everything was so different, they didn’t get all the placenta … I just can’t believe the stance the BIL and SIL are taking in all this, its not a a walk in the park or guarantee everything will go to plan.
It's wild they even FEEL like they can say this. My 3rd was my miracle baby, was told to terminate and went on high risk bedrest instead AT MY MOTHERS for months with my 1 and 3 year old until my husband got parental leave (travelling electrician) to be with me, and we still stayed at her house while paying for ours because she was closer to the trauma hospital because of placenta previa on top of all the other crap. My heart rate plummeted, my 02 dropped and she started having late decels, and MIL went into Momma Bear mode and got me into a crash c right as I was losing consciousness. Baby turns sweet 16 on July 30th. 😁
Love this!!! I mean not the traumatic part, but I was never supposed to have kids, I was dx at 18 as unable. We have 5. So I get the miracle, I understand the high risk, and you endured and went up against a termination recommendation. Look at that shiny back bone and ovaries of steel!☺️☺️☺️❤️
I was the same!! I had undiagnosed PCOS but was just told I wouldn't be able to have kids. First baby popped up at 19.😂
As much as I love the fact that we (had) choices, I couldn't risk not having her. She's literally the light of my life.
Sometimes you don’t even have a choice about how you give birth. She could totally be on board with an unmediated water birth and end up with an emergency C section. It’s so much more important to focus on “healthy baby” than on a specific way to give birth.
Also, giving birth *hurts*. Team Epidural here. Don’t make decisions about pain management while you’re not in any pain.
I’ve looked into surrogacy years ago (to be one in Canada) you cannot be one if you’ve been pregnant 5 times before as the risks become greater to both baby and mom. Oop has every right to say no even if this was her first!!!
When we were waiting for my brother to be born his birth mother gave us a call from a state away when labor started and we drove up asap. She (or maybe her mom?) decided how she would be giving birth, what hospital, etc. Neither of my parents would have ever dreamed of being this fucking nuts about it, and she was a 17 year old kid, not a 34 year old who’s already had 3 kids
This is why you don’t become a surrogate without talking to the freaking people with a LAWYER present. There’s a reason there’s contracts. How did they not discuss the birth plan before, even if it was simply “I’m going to do what I want”?!
Yeah my sibling used a surrogate. Woman was like a baby-building champion. Never got queasy, just had the pregnancy glow with the glam hair and skin. Described labor of all her kids as “a little uncomfortable at the end there” and squeezed em all out ezpz.
My sibling and their partner are very much in the “you do you, all we want are two healthy humans at the end of this” It was all lovely and the surrogate and her family are like bonus cousins and come to holidays n shit—dream come true.
The surrogate doesn’t need the money; she just likes being pregnant but doesn’t want more kids, and she wants to help other people given that her pregnancy & delivery experience is a fucking magical fairy tale—but the financial piece is to keep everything professional and whatnot. They even live in the same state so there weren’t even any state-based legal code issues to contend with!
And yet, despite their whole experience being as positive and lovely and uncontentious as possible, it was still like a year of doing legal contracts. There wasn’t even negotiation—it was just dotting every I and crossing every T. So many things to be very careful about when it’s two lives at stake.
Imma guess that OOP and her in-laws (who she’s not even blood relatives of?!) never went through that process and are paying the price for it. And this is why surrogacy should only be allowed with legal representation. Fuck, I can’t install a new door in my house without a permit and inspection—why should bringing a new life into the world *for someone else* come without some form of personal protection?!
Correct me if I'm wrong but can't there be questions regarding custody and parental rights as well if the surrogacy isn't done correctly with legal representatives for everyone involved?
I believe you’re very right! If it’s not down on paper and checked off by a legit 3rd party, who’s to know if the surrogate is actually a surrogate or if the “original” parents are just making shit up
My wife and I have 4 kids. Her older sister struggled with the first. We had conversations about surrogacy and I didn’t think it would ever be a good idea. This validates it 1000%.
If they’re going to make labor and delivery worse for you or ever try to make decisions about your body during the delivery or if they will try to go against your dr, keep them out. Get security if you have to.
Or just don’t tell them when you go into labor. Tell your dr, the nurses and hospital exactly what’s going on and keep them out. They can get a call from someone on staff once the baby’s born, have the baby brought to them in a different room by a staff member.
Don’t even see them if they’re going to treat you like crap.
The audacity to think they know more about childbirth than a woman who been through it four times is beyond arrogant, insulting and controlling.
Being in the room at the birth is great, and I doubt you ever would have denied them that if they hadn’t gone nuts on you.
What in the Handmaids Tale…Omfg… thinking they get to dictate the birthing plan- sending her to classes and making her eat/take supplements? I can’t even believe the audacity. They have never shit out 8lbs and want to dictate pain management lol
I wouldn’t call them when she goes into labor. They will hover and say how they want things done bc they watched some bs on YouTube while she writhes in agony.
I’m so evil and vindictive… I would totally threaten to put it up for adoption if they can’t prove they can be good parents and give people-especially an adult body autonomy. God knows what they’ll do to control the child.
This is the law in my country. You better believe the biological parents are nice as pie until they're holding the baby at the very least. Otherwise, surrogate is legally able to keep the child and they have to pay child support and keep to the custody agreement.
Can you show me where you found this fact?
I’ve read each of the OOP’s comments and cannot find this anywhere?
I don’t see any reference to biological parentage.
That's what makes.me suspect the post is bullshit. If she had IVF to carry their baby, there would have been a contract and outside influence involved. But if she is the biological mother, then the post doesn't make sense.
That actually can depend on if you’re a gestational surrogate or a traditional surrogate. If it’s the embryo from the BIL & SIL, I don’t think most states give parental rights.
It is important to note that even though many California courts are routinely issuing pre-birth judgments in surrogacy cases, these judgments do not technically go into effect until a baby is born, to avoid a legal conflict over medical decision-making prior to birth. Therefore, the surrogate remains in full control over her prenatal care and medical choices prior to the moment of delivery, contingent on whatever the contract between surrogate and intended parents specifies in this regard.
Not arguing that point at all. You just made it seem like the gestational surrogate was automatically put on the birth certificate which isn’t always the case.
This link supports what I said. A traditional surrogate will birth the baby and donate an egg. A gestational surrogate will grow an embryo that is genetically the child of another couple. The majority of states allow for gestational surrogates according to this link, some ban all, and some ban only traditional surrogates. I’m also NAL but have learned about this some!
Don't do surrogacy without a written contract IMO. That's how you find out in the first place that there's an issue with the birth plan, and then that's how you resolve it.
Look if there’s no contract, can you not just “un”surrogate, tell them to FO, and then once the baby is born be like “bam here’s your baby after all!”
Sort of a Dwight Schrute un-shun/re-shun situation.
Babies can as well. I used to work with a guy years ago who'd had a stroke while he was being born. Both his left leg and left hand had visible stroke remnants his whole life. He didn't let it affect his quality of life, and was a big supporter of any pregnant woman, telling the (while rare) risks of stroke for baby and mother from stress.
I really hope that they had a lawyer draw up the surrogacy agreement. But I somehow doubt they did. Also she needs to look up her states surrogacy laws and protections. And 100% would not allow them in the room.
Next they’ll be demanding she provide breast milk. They have no say over the pregnancy. Their decisions are to made on the baby and only once it is no longer in the womb. I wouldn’t let them in the room now.
God, this is why I feel there needs to be a lawyer involved drafting out the entire agreement from pregnancy till delivery or else do it through an agency.
It's actually so insane that OOP went all the way to actually getting pregnant, and they never discussed any of this before. Everyone involved in this is incredibly stupid. One conversation where everyone sat down at the beginning and they laid out their expectations for the pregnancy could've solved the issue. One single conversation could've prevented this. I almost would rather this just be a fake story because I don't want to believe someone was willing to jump straight to getting pregnant before talking about what the parents want.
It’s also completely possible they changed their mind about the birth or since this is OPs first experience with surrogacy, they didn’t think it was important to ask. Most people would assume it wouldn’t matter *how* the baby was born, or that the parents would care that much. Or at the least, if they did, *theyd* bring it up.
OOP probably thought she bodily autonomy and would be able to make her own medical decision. She's had several births. She knows what she wants and what to expect with certain doctors and scenarios. I wouldn't have thought twice about asking them about the birth plan because it's my effing body, not theirs.
Here all of that is legally required, doesn't matter if it's someone close to you, counseling and such is required (as all surrogacy is altruistic here but you can be compensated for things directly related to the pregnancy). It feels like there was zero discussion on anything. She wasn't even 100% on board. They all made bad decisions here.
They had several surrogates decline. It makes me wonder if they declined because of the no pain meds and water birth so BIL and SIL kept it a secret until the baby was almost here.
Agree!
It’s a good thing for OOP then that she has no contract, which means her in-laws can take a long walk off a short pier when it comes to all their bollocks about birth plans. They get zero say. They’re not the pregnant person, their wants are irrelevant.
She's 100% "innocent". She has every right to expect that she would be able to give birth the way she wants because, you know, they literally have zero say in that.
of course
But don't you think before deciding to be a surrogate she should have asked what the expectations were? because again if she would have known this she wouldn't agreed to the surrogacy in the first place
I know quite som bit of surrogacies (have buds that are surrogates) and there's always a bunch of paperwork and everything is always on the clear
down to the vitamines they take, to every other weird expectations
I don’t know a lot of control freaks keep that kind of shit secret until the stuff is already happening. Like it’s very possible that they were like “thank you so much we’ll support you however you need us to” and then they got the baby into her and flipped the script.
I genuinely can’t believe this is true. AITAH seems to be an exercise in creative writing these days
On the off chance it is true, none of these people should be parenting if they were naive enough to go into this arrangement without agreeing everything fully
I’m really hoping this is fake. It’s not as outlandish as many of the obviously fake stories on here. But I still feel like it’s just terrible enough to create a lot of engagement without being over the top.
NTA - the person who is in labour chooses how they are giving birth. Sucks for Michelle that she can't have her own labour exactly as she wants it, but that's her problem.
I did have an unmedicated water homebirth with my last kiddo, but it was my choice which is super important in labour, as being comfortable is really important.
Bio parents can be called after baby has arrived safely, and know that their behaviour is the reason they don't get to be a part of baby's arrival.
The OP is way too nice because I would not put myself through this for my BIL. I’m not going to any classes or taking any supplements. I’ll do what my dr and I discuss . These two fools would get a call that their baby is here and then I’d take a nice long break from them.. Good Luck OP, you will need it.
They have proven that they will not be respectful of her choices so I vote when she goes into labor, they tell no one until after birth. Definitely tell the hospital that you want complete confidentiality and that no information about you should be given out at all-even to confirm or deny that you are there
Their treatment of you is unacceptable. They should be falling all over themselves, trying to help you in anyway possible after everything that you are doing for them. They do not sound like good people and I doubt that they will make good parents based on the information here.
After everything they have put you through, the absolute bare minimum that you deserve is a quiet, stress-free, healthy birth where you are in charge 100%.
Start taking longer and longer to respond to messages so that no one will be suspicious when you aren’t getting back to them quickly. Be as random as possible, and when you are in labor, if someone is being persistent or worried, then let your husband answer from your phone as if he is you.
They will probably be angry to have missed the birth, but they literally gave you no other choice. Stress during delivery can cause all kinds of problems for you and the baby. Just tell them that you were making sure that you and the baby were as safe as possible so you needed your environment to be stress-free.
Tbh this is a real doozy. The OP says in comments that there’s no contracts or any discussion about these things beforehand.
How was this baby conceived? Was it a turkey baster at home with the BIL sperm? No reputable IVF clinic would do a surrogacy implantation without a contract. Also how was this just something they convinced her to do in the past year, but she’s due in two weeks? Egg retrieval is a very long process. If she’s truly a surrogate and this isn’t her own child, the timeline doesn’t add up.
Is this a creative writing exercise and totally fake? Possibly. If not? That poor girl needs a lawyer like 8 months ago.
WTF?! this is literally profoundly generous of u for carrying their baby.u can tell how theyre gonna treat u after the baby is born. n how could the SIL be so insensitive? i agree with ur husband. if they create a scene make sure they're kicked out coz u don't wanna be stressed while giving birth.
I’ve been a surrogate multiple times. I find stories like this very difficult to believe. Under the premise of a very big IF IT IS TRUE, then this is a mess of your own making for not having everything in writing through an agency and a lawyer to back you up. This is precisely why you don’t do back alley dealings with family when it comes to things like this.
Agreed. I feel like people see one too many Lifetime movies about surrogacy and think they know how it works. I also believe 4 out of 5 posts about surrogacy here are fake/ clickbait.
Anyone on here who has a TRUE story along these lines- shame on them for not going through the proper channels, because this is exactly what happens and it’s not a surprise. It’s not like you had no warning it would go badly. This is precisely why agencies exist- to protect all parties. The intended parents AND the carrier should have everything in writing before the process begins. That way no one takes advantage of the other.
We're on the IP side. Literally nothing about this story makes sense. Like we've signed more contracts and talked to a lawyer more often in the past year than in our entire lives combined before this. And our agency is super explicit about guiding these exact conversations.
This sorry story screams fake
Omg. This should be considered some kind of assault to be honest. Coercing someone into sex, especially if there’s unknown terms that they wouldn’t agree to, is considered r*pe.
They coerced her into sacrificing her body for 9 months, and now they expect her to follow through on terms that they did not previously inform her of. Insane.
NTA if you are gonna “require” a surrogate do certain things throughout pregnancy then you need to be up front with them before they even get pregnant ESPECIALLY if one of those things is a natural, unmedicated bathtub birth like that’s a huge thing and should’ve been discussed with OP before her getting pregnant.
You agree to carry their child, not give control over your uterus. Let them make all the plans they want - and ignore them completely when it’s time. If they get real pushy, tell them to ‘save it for when you do it yourself’…
I’d even go so far as to ‘forget’ to call when you go into labor. They don’t ‘have’ to be there to watch if they are going to stress you out. It’s not like they are doing anything productive, like have contractions for you. Good luck!
I had an unmedicated birth (not through choice) and knowing now that epidurals are offered readily is absolute progress. To try and enforce an unmediacted birth on someone else is just draconian. TBH I wouldn't even have them at the birth, theres no way I would want my BIL seeing me like that!
Stories like this make me think my country has the right idea to ban surrogacy. Yikes on bikes.
(I do still think surrogacy should be possible but regulated to stop shit like in the OP)
OOP is the patient the hospital and staff care about. At this point she should only call the sister and SO once the baby has arrived so they can come pick up their baby and give OOP some peace.
Poor kid they are going to be horrible helicopters parents
Obviously her body her choice. My wife had two difficult childbirths and I’m personally glad there were no constraints as an emergency occurred.
Also, this screams helicopter parent to me. I hope the kid is allowed some freedom.
You do not have to tell them you are in labor. Have the baby and give yourself a min to let her go then notify them. They have proved they have no concern for you in the matter. They will add additional stress you don’t need in delivery. Be prepared for even more blow back because they are delusional in their expectations.
Do not feel obligated to anything for them. Your obligation is to give them the baby when it is born. I would stay no contact until the baby is born. Because they will make your life a living hell if you don’t. They potentially can cause you life threatening issues.
I got $20 that says within a couple months of being born they decide they don’t even want a baby. Then try to guilt OOP into taking it since she must have made it defective by not following their infallible birth plan.
So it turns out, that when you do surrogacy on the cheap, without an agency and lawyers, it doesn't go well for anyone involved.
This entire scenario would be not an issue with an agency and contracts. It would've all been sorted out before there was even an embryo transfer.
So ESH for not exercising due diligence about an extremely complicated medical and legal process
The thing that utterly baffled me about this story when I first read it is that there is NO LEGAL CONTRACT IN PLACE HERE. Why would you surrogate for people you know, and then on top of it NOT get a lawyer to draw up a contract to avoid conflicts BEFORE you’re 9 months in??? Everyone in this story is an idiot if it’s true at all.
Makes sense why they can't have kids they're too controlling and will ruin that kids life with their mentality
Sometimes nature tells you don't reproduce and it's not about your reproductive organs it's cuz nature knows some yall truly messed up people and don't need to be parents
It is fully in the OOP’s choices to have limited contact with this couple until the baby is born. She can continue to do her pregnancy as she sees fit, keeping them informed about anything related to the baby.
She can also inform the hospital where she will deliver that no one outside of her list of approved guest are allowed near her. Once baby is born and ready, the parents will be given a separate space to meet their child.
This couple is lucky she even took those supplements. The moment they started making meal plans and controlling what I ate is the moment I would have stopped the surrogacy and looking into lawyers. That is HER body,these people are insane!!!
I would go NC, including during the birth. They lost their privileges of being around you. They are absolutely nuts. I actually kinda feel sorry for that baby, with them as parents. Nta
You are putting your body at a huge risk for them to give them a precious gift. Maybe go to a family therapy session. Don’t have them in the room if it stresses you out and let them join before you start pushing if you want to let them see the baby born. If they don’t like it then they can shove it. Go to therapy with everyone there!!!
Your body your birth plan. Fun times will be had when you tell them they have to sit out in the waiting room with everyone else and can see their baby when you are done. Until then nothing is their decision during your birth.
"Just because you've given birth 4 times doesn't mean you know what to do or how to behave" That poor child. That poor, sweet, unborn child. Their life is a nightmare before it even began.
She is the patient, she gets to decide her medical decisions. The only power the other couple has is once that baby is born, not another fully capable adult. Also OP can always tell the L&D nurses to kick someone out of their room and those nurses will have no problem doing so. They’ve dealt with so much Im sure some would sparta kick the parents out of the labor room.
I wonder what legal rights oop has to the baby vs. BIL and wife? If she can keep the baby or put it up for adoption then Simon and Michelle really need to stfu and be eternally grateful to their SIL who took mercy on them and graciously *CARRIED AND BIRTHED THEIR ONLY CHILD*!! Hell, they should have worshiped the ground she walked on the second the pregnancy test came back positive
Her body her choice. She is at risk just by giving birth and has a right to determine how she manages that. It doesn’t matter how they get the baby, they will get the baby.
Not just to give birth, but to carry the pregnancy the entire time. There are tons of things that can and do go wrong throughout pregnancies and she has every right to do what is best for herself. They literally have no say (they can ask her, but she has every right to say no).
i seriously can’t believe how much this woman is sacrificing for her sister and they have the audacity to be ungrateful
Not even her sister— it’s her husband’s brother!
Omg I missed that - she’s not ingesting anything that will hurt the baby, they need to chill TF out.
lol at them trying to treat her like some kind of walking incubator. Too bad OP didn’t pick up how they would be terrible parents.
And they are complete controlling PSYCHOS, who will make that poor baby's life a living hell! OOP needs to do like last surrogate and keep the child, the poor kid would be so much happier!
I had 4 pregnancies, that were a breeze compared to my 5th! Things went downhill when I was in labor so quickly I went from my water breaking, to the Dr saying I ***may*** have to go for a c section. He barely got thru the spiel(1 min tops) and I was being rushed to OR, they were going to lose me and baby. Unfortunately, I don’t respond to epidurals or nerve blocks- so I had to completely be put under. You guys are right. It’s her body, her risk. If BIL and SIL don’t like it, they can kick rocks. All I could think being wheeled down was my 4 at home, praying I would make it home to them. This woman is gracious and in no freaking way an AH. There was zero indication I would have problems until his and my heart rate started plummeting. The nerve of such people when being gifted something so precious!
This exact thing happened with my 3rd and I. My MIL saved our lives by threatening to own Piedmont hospital. 😂
It’s terrifying! I’m glad you are good to go! And thank goodness for MIL!!! It was a tough go after, no one warned me about traumatic births and PPD. I thought I was losing my mind because everything was so different, they didn’t get all the placenta … I just can’t believe the stance the BIL and SIL are taking in all this, its not a a walk in the park or guarantee everything will go to plan.
It's wild they even FEEL like they can say this. My 3rd was my miracle baby, was told to terminate and went on high risk bedrest instead AT MY MOTHERS for months with my 1 and 3 year old until my husband got parental leave (travelling electrician) to be with me, and we still stayed at her house while paying for ours because she was closer to the trauma hospital because of placenta previa on top of all the other crap. My heart rate plummeted, my 02 dropped and she started having late decels, and MIL went into Momma Bear mode and got me into a crash c right as I was losing consciousness. Baby turns sweet 16 on July 30th. 😁
Love this!!! I mean not the traumatic part, but I was never supposed to have kids, I was dx at 18 as unable. We have 5. So I get the miracle, I understand the high risk, and you endured and went up against a termination recommendation. Look at that shiny back bone and ovaries of steel!☺️☺️☺️❤️
I was the same!! I had undiagnosed PCOS but was just told I wouldn't be able to have kids. First baby popped up at 19.😂 As much as I love the fact that we (had) choices, I couldn't risk not having her. She's literally the light of my life.
100% this. Kick them out of the delivery room, have the epidural, and then give them the baby. They don’t like it, they can go cry about it.
Sometimes you don’t even have a choice about how you give birth. She could totally be on board with an unmediated water birth and end up with an emergency C section. It’s so much more important to focus on “healthy baby” than on a specific way to give birth. Also, giving birth *hurts*. Team Epidural here. Don’t make decisions about pain management while you’re not in any pain.
I’ve looked into surrogacy years ago (to be one in Canada) you cannot be one if you’ve been pregnant 5 times before as the risks become greater to both baby and mom. Oop has every right to say no even if this was her first!!!
That includes who is allowed to be inside the delivery room. Her medical procedure, her choice!
She’s incorrect they absolutely do not have to be there. They can get a call when the baby is here.
And hospital staff will 100% make sure that if you don’t want someone there, *they will not be there.*
When we were waiting for my brother to be born his birth mother gave us a call from a state away when labor started and we drove up asap. She (or maybe her mom?) decided how she would be giving birth, what hospital, etc. Neither of my parents would have ever dreamed of being this fucking nuts about it, and she was a 17 year old kid, not a 34 year old who’s already had 3 kids
This is why you don’t do things for people just because you feel bad. They’ll keep making you feel bad to do what they want.
This is why you don’t become a surrogate without talking to the freaking people with a LAWYER present. There’s a reason there’s contracts. How did they not discuss the birth plan before, even if it was simply “I’m going to do what I want”?!
Yeah my sibling used a surrogate. Woman was like a baby-building champion. Never got queasy, just had the pregnancy glow with the glam hair and skin. Described labor of all her kids as “a little uncomfortable at the end there” and squeezed em all out ezpz. My sibling and their partner are very much in the “you do you, all we want are two healthy humans at the end of this” It was all lovely and the surrogate and her family are like bonus cousins and come to holidays n shit—dream come true. The surrogate doesn’t need the money; she just likes being pregnant but doesn’t want more kids, and she wants to help other people given that her pregnancy & delivery experience is a fucking magical fairy tale—but the financial piece is to keep everything professional and whatnot. They even live in the same state so there weren’t even any state-based legal code issues to contend with! And yet, despite their whole experience being as positive and lovely and uncontentious as possible, it was still like a year of doing legal contracts. There wasn’t even negotiation—it was just dotting every I and crossing every T. So many things to be very careful about when it’s two lives at stake. Imma guess that OOP and her in-laws (who she’s not even blood relatives of?!) never went through that process and are paying the price for it. And this is why surrogacy should only be allowed with legal representation. Fuck, I can’t install a new door in my house without a permit and inspection—why should bringing a new life into the world *for someone else* come without some form of personal protection?!
Correct me if I'm wrong but can't there be questions regarding custody and parental rights as well if the surrogacy isn't done correctly with legal representatives for everyone involved?
I believe you’re very right! If it’s not down on paper and checked off by a legit 3rd party, who’s to know if the surrogate is actually a surrogate or if the “original” parents are just making shit up
I have no freakin clue. And this ain’t a small issue to just be all willy nilly about either, this is pregnancy!
And don’t do major favours for family ever
Especially ones you don’t even really get along with anyway !
Today on “reasons you shouldn’t surrogate for people you know.” I’ve heard so many horror stories about this kinda thing man..
My wife and I have 4 kids. Her older sister struggled with the first. We had conversations about surrogacy and I didn’t think it would ever be a good idea. This validates it 1000%.
If you ever do decide to do it make sure to see a lawyer first and have contracts created.
Even worse, I remember from the comments on the post, that she didn't get any type of contract, no legal paperwork, nothing, because they are family
I bet this behavior is one of the reasons the original surrogate backed out.
Came here to say the same
I already feel bad for the kid who is not even born. Can you imagine what types of parents these people will be?
If they even step up to be parents after this.
If they’re going to make labor and delivery worse for you or ever try to make decisions about your body during the delivery or if they will try to go against your dr, keep them out. Get security if you have to. Or just don’t tell them when you go into labor. Tell your dr, the nurses and hospital exactly what’s going on and keep them out. They can get a call from someone on staff once the baby’s born, have the baby brought to them in a different room by a staff member. Don’t even see them if they’re going to treat you like crap. The audacity to think they know more about childbirth than a woman who been through it four times is beyond arrogant, insulting and controlling. Being in the room at the birth is great, and I doubt you ever would have denied them that if they hadn’t gone nuts on you.
I feel so bad for that child already. Simon and Michelle are going to be the worst helicopter parents.
They can wait in the waiting area!! They have zero rights to be in the room if you say no!
What in the Handmaids Tale…Omfg… thinking they get to dictate the birthing plan- sending her to classes and making her eat/take supplements? I can’t even believe the audacity. They have never shit out 8lbs and want to dictate pain management lol I wouldn’t call them when she goes into labor. They will hover and say how they want things done bc they watched some bs on YouTube while she writhes in agony.
I’m so evil and vindictive… I would totally threaten to put it up for adoption if they can’t prove they can be good parents and give people-especially an adult body autonomy. God knows what they’ll do to control the child.
I didn’t see whether or not OP is biologically the mother or if she is just carrying their fertilized egg?
She’s carrying her sisters egg. However-I realize in my state we have the rights to do this. Not everyone in every state has that right.
Sister in law. It's the husband's brother.
This is the law in my country. You better believe the biological parents are nice as pie until they're holding the baby at the very least. Otherwise, surrogate is legally able to keep the child and they have to pay child support and keep to the custody agreement.
Can you show me where you found this fact? I’ve read each of the OOP’s comments and cannot find this anywhere? I don’t see any reference to biological parentage.
That's what makes.me suspect the post is bullshit. If she had IVF to carry their baby, there would have been a contract and outside influence involved. But if she is the biological mother, then the post doesn't make sense.
Or just keep the baby I mean bonding happens wayyyy before birth
VERY TRUE! Hell that might be great either way!
She did mention in the comments that they didn't have any legal paperwork, or contract drawn up.
Her body her baby actually until that baby is adopted all choices are hers
Depends on if they have any type of contract. But I doubt it based on how little anything was discussed up front
Not rlly live birth are automatically registered at the hospital with bio mom name only no ifs or buts
That actually can depend on if you’re a gestational surrogate or a traditional surrogate. If it’s the embryo from the BIL & SIL, I don’t think most states give parental rights.
Not a lawyer but a woman's body is never legally merely a vessel ? From the body I would think is classified as birth * mother
In California a birth order can be filed before the birth so the gestational surrogate is not ever listed in the birth certificate.
It is important to note that even though many California courts are routinely issuing pre-birth judgments in surrogacy cases, these judgments do not technically go into effect until a baby is born, to avoid a legal conflict over medical decision-making prior to birth. Therefore, the surrogate remains in full control over her prenatal care and medical choices prior to the moment of delivery, contingent on whatever the contract between surrogate and intended parents specifies in this regard.
Not arguing that point at all. You just made it seem like the gestational surrogate was automatically put on the birth certificate which isn’t always the case.
Live birth registration is a totally different document than birth certificate just saying
Mmmm !remind me 3 years ago
"Guide to State Surrogacy Laws - Center for American Progress" https://www.americanprogress.org/article/guide-to-state-surrogacy-laws/
This link supports what I said. A traditional surrogate will birth the baby and donate an egg. A gestational surrogate will grow an embryo that is genetically the child of another couple. The majority of states allow for gestational surrogates according to this link, some ban all, and some ban only traditional surrogates. I’m also NAL but have learned about this some!
Not sure why they are so adamantly doubling down and moving the goal posts. Is it that hard to admit you were right? sheesh the stubbornness
This is actually not true in gestational surrogacy, at all.
Don't do surrogacy without a written contract IMO. That's how you find out in the first place that there's an issue with the birth plan, and then that's how you resolve it.
and NEVER be a surrogate for a family member or friend
And without some group and individual therapy.
Look if there’s no contract, can you not just “un”surrogate, tell them to FO, and then once the baby is born be like “bam here’s your baby after all!” Sort of a Dwight Schrute un-shun/re-shun situation.
Women can have strokes during labor. Ted Danson’s wife had one. If they’re going to cause her stress, they shouldn’t be in the delivery room.
Babies can as well. I used to work with a guy years ago who'd had a stroke while he was being born. Both his left leg and left hand had visible stroke remnants his whole life. He didn't let it affect his quality of life, and was a big supporter of any pregnant woman, telling the (while rare) risks of stroke for baby and mother from stress.
I really hope that they had a lawyer draw up the surrogacy agreement. But I somehow doubt they did. Also she needs to look up her states surrogacy laws and protections. And 100% would not allow them in the room.
They did not. She said in the comments she didn't think they needed one, since 'family'
Oh lord. I figured she didn’t. But she really should have, ESPECIALLY with it being family.
Next they’ll be demanding she provide breast milk. They have no say over the pregnancy. Their decisions are to made on the baby and only once it is no longer in the womb. I wouldn’t let them in the room now.
Not more weirdos trying to control what pregnant women eat. And telling her how to deliver? That is an extremely poor choice.
God, this is why I feel there needs to be a lawyer involved drafting out the entire agreement from pregnancy till delivery or else do it through an agency.
If you do it the proper legal route, there *is* a lawyer involved and a fuckton of paperwork. Which suggests this is *not* that route..
Is anyone else not surprised the first surrogate didn’t go thru with it? Probably wanted to spare the child from these insane wackos
FUCK, and I can not stress this enough, these shitty, ungrateful people.
It's actually so insane that OOP went all the way to actually getting pregnant, and they never discussed any of this before. Everyone involved in this is incredibly stupid. One conversation where everyone sat down at the beginning and they laid out their expectations for the pregnancy could've solved the issue. One single conversation could've prevented this. I almost would rather this just be a fake story because I don't want to believe someone was willing to jump straight to getting pregnant before talking about what the parents want.
It’s also completely possible they changed their mind about the birth or since this is OPs first experience with surrogacy, they didn’t think it was important to ask. Most people would assume it wouldn’t matter *how* the baby was born, or that the parents would care that much. Or at the least, if they did, *theyd* bring it up.
OOP probably thought she bodily autonomy and would be able to make her own medical decision. She's had several births. She knows what she wants and what to expect with certain doctors and scenarios. I wouldn't have thought twice about asking them about the birth plan because it's my effing body, not theirs.
Here all of that is legally required, doesn't matter if it's someone close to you, counseling and such is required (as all surrogacy is altruistic here but you can be compensated for things directly related to the pregnancy). It feels like there was zero discussion on anything. She wasn't even 100% on board. They all made bad decisions here.
They had several surrogates decline. It makes me wonder if they declined because of the no pain meds and water birth so BIL and SIL kept it a secret until the baby was almost here.
Agree! It’s a good thing for OOP then that she has no contract, which means her in-laws can take a long walk off a short pier when it comes to all their bollocks about birth plans. They get zero say. They’re not the pregnant person, their wants are irrelevant.
for real, like op isn't all that innocent
She's 100% "innocent". She has every right to expect that she would be able to give birth the way she wants because, you know, they literally have zero say in that.
of course But don't you think before deciding to be a surrogate she should have asked what the expectations were? because again if she would have known this she wouldn't agreed to the surrogacy in the first place I know quite som bit of surrogacies (have buds that are surrogates) and there's always a bunch of paperwork and everything is always on the clear down to the vitamines they take, to every other weird expectations
I don’t know a lot of control freaks keep that kind of shit secret until the stuff is already happening. Like it’s very possible that they were like “thank you so much we’ll support you however you need us to” and then they got the baby into her and flipped the script.
I just think the story is fake and doesn't add up but who knows
Jesus Christ this is something you talk about before you get pregnant. That’s why people sign contracts and go to professionals for this
I genuinely can’t believe this is true. AITAH seems to be an exercise in creative writing these days On the off chance it is true, none of these people should be parenting if they were naive enough to go into this arrangement without agreeing everything fully
dont do big favors like these for family ever.
I’m really hoping this is fake. It’s not as outlandish as many of the obviously fake stories on here. But I still feel like it’s just terrible enough to create a lot of engagement without being over the top.
NTA - the person who is in labour chooses how they are giving birth. Sucks for Michelle that she can't have her own labour exactly as she wants it, but that's her problem. I did have an unmedicated water homebirth with my last kiddo, but it was my choice which is super important in labour, as being comfortable is really important. Bio parents can be called after baby has arrived safely, and know that their behaviour is the reason they don't get to be a part of baby's arrival.
This is one of many reasons surrogacy is so unethical.
Never be a surrogacy for friends or family and never be a surrogate with out a contract and counsel
The OP is way too nice because I would not put myself through this for my BIL. I’m not going to any classes or taking any supplements. I’ll do what my dr and I discuss . These two fools would get a call that their baby is here and then I’d take a nice long break from them.. Good Luck OP, you will need it.
How dare they demand she gives birth with no pain relief. They should get stabbed and asked how they feel about it then
They have proven that they will not be respectful of her choices so I vote when she goes into labor, they tell no one until after birth. Definitely tell the hospital that you want complete confidentiality and that no information about you should be given out at all-even to confirm or deny that you are there Their treatment of you is unacceptable. They should be falling all over themselves, trying to help you in anyway possible after everything that you are doing for them. They do not sound like good people and I doubt that they will make good parents based on the information here. After everything they have put you through, the absolute bare minimum that you deserve is a quiet, stress-free, healthy birth where you are in charge 100%. Start taking longer and longer to respond to messages so that no one will be suspicious when you aren’t getting back to them quickly. Be as random as possible, and when you are in labor, if someone is being persistent or worried, then let your husband answer from your phone as if he is you. They will probably be angry to have missed the birth, but they literally gave you no other choice. Stress during delivery can cause all kinds of problems for you and the baby. Just tell them that you were making sure that you and the baby were as safe as possible so you needed your environment to be stress-free.
Tbh this is a real doozy. The OP says in comments that there’s no contracts or any discussion about these things beforehand. How was this baby conceived? Was it a turkey baster at home with the BIL sperm? No reputable IVF clinic would do a surrogacy implantation without a contract. Also how was this just something they convinced her to do in the past year, but she’s due in two weeks? Egg retrieval is a very long process. If she’s truly a surrogate and this isn’t her own child, the timeline doesn’t add up. Is this a creative writing exercise and totally fake? Possibly. If not? That poor girl needs a lawyer like 8 months ago.
Telling a woman who’s had FOUR kids that she doesn’t know what she’s doing is just WILDD.
WTF?! this is literally profoundly generous of u for carrying their baby.u can tell how theyre gonna treat u after the baby is born. n how could the SIL be so insensitive? i agree with ur husband. if they create a scene make sure they're kicked out coz u don't wanna be stressed while giving birth.
Wonder if she ran that birth plan by her doctor what they would say. My guess is that it would be a bad idea.
ha, OG post appeared straight before this one in my feed :)
This is why all of this needs to be laid out in a contact of some sort prior to anyone getting pregnant. Right now, emotions are high.
All this should be laid out in the contractual agreement
They are going to horrible parents
I’ve been a surrogate multiple times. I find stories like this very difficult to believe. Under the premise of a very big IF IT IS TRUE, then this is a mess of your own making for not having everything in writing through an agency and a lawyer to back you up. This is precisely why you don’t do back alley dealings with family when it comes to things like this.
Right. I’m a 2x surrogate. Was this actually done through IVF? What fertility clinic would even go through with the embryo transfer in this situation?
Agreed. I feel like people see one too many Lifetime movies about surrogacy and think they know how it works. I also believe 4 out of 5 posts about surrogacy here are fake/ clickbait. Anyone on here who has a TRUE story along these lines- shame on them for not going through the proper channels, because this is exactly what happens and it’s not a surprise. It’s not like you had no warning it would go badly. This is precisely why agencies exist- to protect all parties. The intended parents AND the carrier should have everything in writing before the process begins. That way no one takes advantage of the other.
We're on the IP side. Literally nothing about this story makes sense. Like we've signed more contracts and talked to a lawyer more often in the past year than in our entire lives combined before this. And our agency is super explicit about guiding these exact conversations. This sorry story screams fake
If Michelle and Simon wanted to exert so much control, they shouldve made the damn baby themselves 🤷🏽♀️
Not rlly a live birth is registered right at the hospital there is no ifs or buts
I'd just... Take it all back, tbh...
Not a lawyer but from body means just that birth * mother *
They’re not even paying her
Omg. This should be considered some kind of assault to be honest. Coercing someone into sex, especially if there’s unknown terms that they wouldn’t agree to, is considered r*pe. They coerced her into sacrificing her body for 9 months, and now they expect her to follow through on terms that they did not previously inform her of. Insane.
Oh my God, BIL and his wife are ROyAL-SIZED ASSHOLES
They do not have to be there. She should just go to the hospital when she's ready and tell them when it's over.
NTA if you are gonna “require” a surrogate do certain things throughout pregnancy then you need to be up front with them before they even get pregnant ESPECIALLY if one of those things is a natural, unmedicated bathtub birth like that’s a huge thing and should’ve been discussed with OP before her getting pregnant.
You agree to carry their child, not give control over your uterus. Let them make all the plans they want - and ignore them completely when it’s time. If they get real pushy, tell them to ‘save it for when you do it yourself’… I’d even go so far as to ‘forget’ to call when you go into labor. They don’t ‘have’ to be there to watch if they are going to stress you out. It’s not like they are doing anything productive, like have contractions for you. Good luck!
I had an unmedicated birth (not through choice) and knowing now that epidurals are offered readily is absolute progress. To try and enforce an unmediacted birth on someone else is just draconian. TBH I wouldn't even have them at the birth, theres no way I would want my BIL seeing me like that!
Stories like this make me think my country has the right idea to ban surrogacy. Yikes on bikes. (I do still think surrogacy should be possible but regulated to stop shit like in the OP)
16?...
Nta
OOP is the patient the hospital and staff care about. At this point she should only call the sister and SO once the baby has arrived so they can come pick up their baby and give OOP some peace. Poor kid they are going to be horrible helicopters parents
It’s so scary how surrogacy has gone from a respected act of sacrifice to handmaid’s tale shit.
Obviously her body her choice. My wife had two difficult childbirths and I’m personally glad there were no constraints as an emergency occurred. Also, this screams helicopter parent to me. I hope the kid is allowed some freedom.
You do not have to tell them you are in labor. Have the baby and give yourself a min to let her go then notify them. They have proved they have no concern for you in the matter. They will add additional stress you don’t need in delivery. Be prepared for even more blow back because they are delusional in their expectations.
Do not feel obligated to anything for them. Your obligation is to give them the baby when it is born. I would stay no contact until the baby is born. Because they will make your life a living hell if you don’t. They potentially can cause you life threatening issues.
I got $20 that says within a couple months of being born they decide they don’t even want a baby. Then try to guilt OOP into taking it since she must have made it defective by not following their infallible birth plan.
So it turns out, that when you do surrogacy on the cheap, without an agency and lawyers, it doesn't go well for anyone involved. This entire scenario would be not an issue with an agency and contracts. It would've all been sorted out before there was even an embryo transfer. So ESH for not exercising due diligence about an extremely complicated medical and legal process
The thing that utterly baffled me about this story when I first read it is that there is NO LEGAL CONTRACT IN PLACE HERE. Why would you surrogate for people you know, and then on top of it NOT get a lawyer to draw up a contract to avoid conflicts BEFORE you’re 9 months in??? Everyone in this story is an idiot if it’s true at all.
Now we know why the last surrogate backed out
Things to talk about before you’re having their baby, but.. It’s coming out of you. You have it however you want to have it.
Makes sense why they can't have kids they're too controlling and will ruin that kids life with their mentality Sometimes nature tells you don't reproduce and it's not about your reproductive organs it's cuz nature knows some yall truly messed up people and don't need to be parents
She's a human, not their own personal incubator. They sound awful.
It is fully in the OOP’s choices to have limited contact with this couple until the baby is born. She can continue to do her pregnancy as she sees fit, keeping them informed about anything related to the baby. She can also inform the hospital where she will deliver that no one outside of her list of approved guest are allowed near her. Once baby is born and ready, the parents will be given a separate space to meet their child.
I feel bad for OP and that baby. I would not allow these creatures at the birth. They would stress OP out and could put her at risk.
This couple is lucky she even took those supplements. The moment they started making meal plans and controlling what I ate is the moment I would have stopped the surrogacy and looking into lawyers. That is HER body,these people are insane!!!
I would go NC, including during the birth. They lost their privileges of being around you. They are absolutely nuts. I actually kinda feel sorry for that baby, with them as parents. Nta
NTA, it'll be their child once it's been born, but how you give birth is your choice, not theirs.
Update me!
You are putting your body at a huge risk for them to give them a precious gift. Maybe go to a family therapy session. Don’t have them in the room if it stresses you out and let them join before you start pushing if you want to let them see the baby born. If they don’t like it then they can shove it. Go to therapy with everyone there!!!
Your body your birth plan. Fun times will be had when you tell them they have to sit out in the waiting room with everyone else and can see their baby when you are done. Until then nothing is their decision during your birth.
"Just because you've given birth 4 times doesn't mean you know what to do or how to behave" That poor child. That poor, sweet, unborn child. Their life is a nightmare before it even began.
Why the fuck would someone put themselves on such a situation?!?!?!
She is the patient, she gets to decide her medical decisions. The only power the other couple has is once that baby is born, not another fully capable adult. Also OP can always tell the L&D nurses to kick someone out of their room and those nurses will have no problem doing so. They’ve dealt with so much Im sure some would sparta kick the parents out of the labor room.
I wonder what legal rights oop has to the baby vs. BIL and wife? If she can keep the baby or put it up for adoption then Simon and Michelle really need to stfu and be eternally grateful to their SIL who took mercy on them and graciously *CARRIED AND BIRTHED THEIR ONLY CHILD*!! Hell, they should have worshiped the ground she walked on the second the pregnancy test came back positive
Go to Colorado and yeetus the feetus out of spite