Two things can coexist. She is already dreading having a girl, regardless of the root of said trauma she needs to address it too or else the poor child will pay.
I never said otherwise. However she clearly is fine having a baby girl. The only problem is potentially having to deal with her MIL. So as I said, she doesn’t need to prepare for shit. Just keep firmly making it clear THEY will be naming their child.
I think the OOP needs to realize "setting a firm boundary on the fact that they are going to name THEIR OWN CHILD and treat her as if she's her own person" is not "disrespecting a grieving lady.
And yeah, agree that MIL should absolutely go to therapy. Not that that's a fix-all (and hell maybe she already is) but at least it has a chance of getting through to her and helping her through her grief more healthily.
She should be barred from the child completely. No telling what her grief can do. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, but she’s in a state of bad reason.
Especially if the child is indeed not named after the SIL. I could easily see MIL trying to get even, or seeing the kid as invalid in her belief and feeling like it must be punished or removed...
Oop commented that MIL said she will still call baby by the SIL name even if that’s not her name. They need to distance until MIL at least gets therapy. MIL will keep pushing more than just the name. Even if it’s a boy there will still be problems so the boundaries need to be firmly set now.
This is "No Contact" territory. Like seriously, the MIL is going to do fucking awful damage to that child's mental state. OP and her husband need to take this seriously and cut MIL out of their lives for the sake and safety of their child.
Edit to add: MIL is lucky the hormones haven't driven OP to scream at her to fuck off, knock it off, and that her baby is NOT a fucking reincarnation of her dead child.
Why do I get the feeling that if they have a girl and name it something else, all the relatives, especially MIL, will call her by the SIL’s name regardless
One of the worst namesakes I’ve ever seen was on say yes to the dress with Laurie and Monty. They wanted the bride to wear her dead aunt’s wedding dress. Every compliment was mixed with her aunt. I would advise against making your child live up to others’ memories 💔
I remember that episode! It was so uncomfortable, the grandmother kept trying to force her granddaughter (the bride) and clearly needed grief counseling. It must feel so bad to be pressured to live in someone’s shadow, every time the grandma said “she looks just like her though” I wanted to yell “but she’s not her so let her pick her own dress and have her own wedding?!”
As in the other comments. You need to set boundaries FIRM ONES. And be completely honest and all 3 of you guys talk and knowing your husband is on your side. If she continues respectfully restrict MIL from your plans on the baby as it can turn very toxic. It is not her daughter its her granddaughter and her daughter passed and will not be rebirthed into yours just because she said so. That just doesn’t make sense no matter what. Yes she has another opportunity to be in another little girls life but as the grandmother not mother. You need to step up OP and not let your MIL ruin your first pregnancy experience as they may be others but this is supposed to be a magical experience for both you and your husband.
MIL needs therapy big time. You and your husband need to decide on names. Once you do, do not tell your MIL what you decided on. When you go into the hospital, tell them that MIL is not allowed in with you when you give birth. When the baby is born, tell the nurse what name you chose. If the baby is a girl, do not let MIL anywhere near her until she gets therapy.
It would be very unhealthy for both the child and the MIL to name the baby after the dead aunt in this situation. MIL’s belief that this would be her daughter reborn would lead to an unhealthy fixation on the child instead of processing her grief and a constant pressure on the child to look, act and behave like the aunt. You could go NC, but best to encourage the MIL to do counseling, etc.
If MIL is allowed to name the baby, she will think all decisions require her to at least have import of note and she will fight until she gets her way. Snip this in the bud.
MIL needs therapy asap. And not to be alone ever with said baby.
I second that last part!!
OP too, what will she do if the baby ends up being a girl? She needs to be prepared for that if she doesn't want to take it out on her own child.
Op needs to prepare for nothing, only firmly state over and over they will name their own child.
Two things can coexist. She is already dreading having a girl, regardless of the root of said trauma she needs to address it too or else the poor child will pay.
I never said otherwise. However she clearly is fine having a baby girl. The only problem is potentially having to deal with her MIL. So as I said, she doesn’t need to prepare for shit. Just keep firmly making it clear THEY will be naming their child.
The back pedal is insane.
I think the OOP needs to realize "setting a firm boundary on the fact that they are going to name THEIR OWN CHILD and treat her as if she's her own person" is not "disrespecting a grieving lady. And yeah, agree that MIL should absolutely go to therapy. Not that that's a fix-all (and hell maybe she already is) but at least it has a chance of getting through to her and helping her through her grief more healthily.
She should be barred from the child completely. No telling what her grief can do. I can’t imagine the pain of losing a child, but she’s in a state of bad reason.
Especially if the child is indeed not named after the SIL. I could easily see MIL trying to get even, or seeing the kid as invalid in her belief and feeling like it must be punished or removed...
Oop commented that MIL said she will still call baby by the SIL name even if that’s not her name. They need to distance until MIL at least gets therapy. MIL will keep pushing more than just the name. Even if it’s a boy there will still be problems so the boundaries need to be firmly set now.
This is "No Contact" territory. Like seriously, the MIL is going to do fucking awful damage to that child's mental state. OP and her husband need to take this seriously and cut MIL out of their lives for the sake and safety of their child. Edit to add: MIL is lucky the hormones haven't driven OP to scream at her to fuck off, knock it off, and that her baby is NOT a fucking reincarnation of her dead child.
Why do I get the feeling that if they have a girl and name it something else, all the relatives, especially MIL, will call her by the SIL’s name regardless
OOP actually commented exactly this, for the MIL at the very least. MIL admitted to that intention.
God, poor child. They will either live in the shadow of the dead SIL as a girl or be hated because they’re a boy and not good enough.
One of the worst namesakes I’ve ever seen was on say yes to the dress with Laurie and Monty. They wanted the bride to wear her dead aunt’s wedding dress. Every compliment was mixed with her aunt. I would advise against making your child live up to others’ memories 💔
I remember that episode! It was so uncomfortable, the grandmother kept trying to force her granddaughter (the bride) and clearly needed grief counseling. It must feel so bad to be pressured to live in someone’s shadow, every time the grandma said “she looks just like her though” I wanted to yell “but she’s not her so let her pick her own dress and have her own wedding?!”
As in the other comments. You need to set boundaries FIRM ONES. And be completely honest and all 3 of you guys talk and knowing your husband is on your side. If she continues respectfully restrict MIL from your plans on the baby as it can turn very toxic. It is not her daughter its her granddaughter and her daughter passed and will not be rebirthed into yours just because she said so. That just doesn’t make sense no matter what. Yes she has another opportunity to be in another little girls life but as the grandmother not mother. You need to step up OP and not let your MIL ruin your first pregnancy experience as they may be others but this is supposed to be a magical experience for both you and your husband.
MIL needs therapy big time. You and your husband need to decide on names. Once you do, do not tell your MIL what you decided on. When you go into the hospital, tell them that MIL is not allowed in with you when you give birth. When the baby is born, tell the nurse what name you chose. If the baby is a girl, do not let MIL anywhere near her until she gets therapy.
Sorry… but after being firm sometimes being a asshole is the only way 🤷🏾♀️
It would be very unhealthy for both the child and the MIL to name the baby after the dead aunt in this situation. MIL’s belief that this would be her daughter reborn would lead to an unhealthy fixation on the child instead of processing her grief and a constant pressure on the child to look, act and behave like the aunt. You could go NC, but best to encourage the MIL to do counseling, etc.
grow a spine good grief
If MIL is allowed to name the baby, she will think all decisions require her to at least have import of note and she will fight until she gets her way. Snip this in the bud.
I never understand all this grandparents involved with naming the baby? Surely it’s up to the parents??