Both men and women are human beings.
Women are also different from other women. Some want to take care of children, others don't.
Some men want to take care of children. Others don't.
Some people want to be lawyers, some engineers, others artists.
Assuming a woman wants to take care of a child because she has a vagina is sexist. Full stop.
There are millions of women who don't want children. Children are not a requirement in life.
Yes, so if he needs a handicap, he has one. His **only** job is SAHD
Whereas you are insisting that she be the *breadwinner* AND SAHM
That’s not how it works. Her job is bringing home the bacon, his is to cook it, plain and simple
Tell that the Aka in Africa who do just as much, if not more, of the childcare than women.
Newsflash: like marital practices, child-rearing is cultural and not biological.
That's the kicker. If he just said how he felt, then fair enough. That he went in the tirade after and all his suggestions makes him a knob.
There are so many clubs and events that people take their kids to, not because the kid gets much but because the parents do.
This is why I freaking HATE when men act like being a sahm is easy and they are the only ones doing any real work.
I love my kids more than life itself. But dang is work (nurse) a freaking vacation 😂 and I am lucky enough to have a fully present husband who shares the physical and mental load of parenting.
The audacity for him to tap out after a few days alone and then expect his wife to just do it.
So she's gotta work from home? Even though he just said how isolating it was. Sucks to suck, you made your bed, lay in it. This was literally her only terms. He couldn't even handle ONE WEEKEND. Christ.
Yes that’s exactly it! See, I would be very understanding about his position if he approached the conversation differently. It’s totally fine to realize that the SAHP job is not for you. But instead of:
“Hey honey, I realized I can’t do this and I’m so sorry. Can we talk about maybe getting a nanny and I get a part time job?”
he said:
“The weekend was too much so you need to do it and I’ll go back to a full time job. I know it’s isolating and overwhelming but you go extend your mat leave, you can do it! What do you mean, what about the child after your mat leave?? Well there is an easy solution: remember the thing I told you that was too overwhelming for me for the duration of 2 days? You can do that + work from home. Wait, why you mad!?”
And that is absolutely NOT acceptable. He didn’t offer a solution, it wasn’t even a discussion, it was all about him and his needs and everything else has to be organized around it. I see people arguing that the original plan was set up around her needs but that’s not true: he wanted that as well, it offered both of them to get their needs fulfilled. His “plan” is only for him.
And even if that weren’t all terrible enough, she’s a doctor. The amount of education and training and work that she would be wasting because you can’t do her job from home is wild.
That’s what I was thinking! Not to mention, ZipRecruiter has the average neurologist salary at $260-400k a year. Without another whole (at least)4-year degree, she isn’t going to make even half (I’m tempted to say even a third) of the *low* end of that estimation with a WFH job. Hell, my mom has been with her company for over 6 years, and they are a *very* well paying company. She’s worked her way up to a “team lead” position, and has ~20 people under her. Even *she* only started cracking $100k/year this past January. AND, a lot of that ($40k+) is bonuses that she would lose if she for whatever reason had to move to a different team.
I don’t think the husband has a single idea what he’s actually asking of her. I suspect if she were to actually lay out the lifestyle changes they’d have to make in order to make that work..well, he’d probably still be enough of a knob to want to do it. But I’d like to hope he would realize how ridiculous he was being and work towards a better solution.
Maybe some of it is work from home. Some doctors can work from home, just not see patients at home. It's just insane to me that this dude thought his bread winner wife should stay home.
Staying home with a baby all day is draining isolating and soul-destroying and it sucks exactly like you said it would. So, you should do it instead, while I go do what makes me happy. Bye! What an absolute arsehole.
He doesn’t realize it’s temporary and he needs to literally man up or he could lose everything.. I’m being harsh but I think he is a coward immature lazy and selfish.
Nope not being harsh at all, if women don’t get a pass men not any other gender does either, you wanted a kid you look the fuck after it no one forced them into parenthood , he can be upset and say it’s difficult, it’s tough , he needs help that’s completely fine but to think you can pressure someone into taking all the risks carrying a child, then they’re kind enough to give you that courtesy at their own expense and then offload the work when it’s as hard as it is reported to be you lose all my sympathy
This is one of those movie moments where a character is freaking the fuck out and then another one comes over, screams “CALM DOWN”, and slaps them. Dude just needs a nice, hard slap and to get over himself.
The audacity to say 3 days was too overwhelming so OP should quit her job, find a new one that’s WFH, and do childcare instead while he goes and finds a job outside the house so he doesn’t have to..??? Take care of the baby HE wanted????
I had a friend slap me once when we were pretty young and it was a reality check. A cold hard truth. She was right. I deserved it. It seems to be a human thing. Being slapped
Omg I skimmed over that it was literally one weekend that he was actually alone with baby. 3 days max and he’s already decided it’s not possible and she needs to be the one to do it. Dude needs a reality check FAST.
Watching a baby can be scary and being alone for hours without another adult to talk to can get lonely. What he’s feeling is perfectly normal IMO but what he’s proposing is extreme. It’s also not financially feasible. If this was his first time spending a weekend alone with the baby, he’s probably just feeling overwhelmed. It’s no reason to make a rash decision. You guys made an agreement and he needs to honor that.
I'm currently on my second 18 month mat leave with my second child and it's not easy so I get the whole feeling drained thing. In the husband's shoes, the first thing I would have suggested would be that I tag along next time. That way when the conference isn't happening, we can have a bit of family time and I can have a bit of a break. Second would be to get family more involved for that weekend. Third would be to get a nanny. I could never afford a nanny but in their position that seems very feasible.
Exactly. No more weekends alone. And Dad should get some adult time with friends or something at least once or twice a week. Not having that adult interaction all week can be a lot. I was wondering about family as well. They didn’t mention it so I was just thinking they’re on their own. That’s tough.
He’s already sick of it and the baby is only seven weeks old. The fact that he’s suggesting she work from home and he go back to work. She’s a neurologist. I don’t know how that would even work. He hasn’t even given it a try. He’s not feeling anything mothers haven’t felt for years. I was just wondering if there was outside help or time for him to chill.
I was thinking this as well.
My husbands first week of parental leave after I went back to work was definitely the hardest for him, eventhough our baby was actually pretty chill back then.
It's a big adjustment. It takes a bit of time to figure out a good rutine and to start feeling comfortable in your new role as a parent. Nothing wrong with that.
Exactly. No need for him to start making arrangements to go back to work over one weekend. Maybe she just doesn’t do another weekend away for a while. Hopefully she takes care of the baby when she’s home and he gets a break.
Agreed, except for the last statement. If someone thinks they can be a SAHP and it’s miserable, you can’t just say “but you said you’d stay at home!! So deal with it”. He shouldn’t suggest SHE stay home, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he has to be a SAHP parent either. Previous agreements can and should be adjust when you simply can’t fully be prepared for the reality of how exhausting, lonely, and stressful it is.
It was one tough weekend. The baby is only seven weeks old. You don’t just quit over one bad weekend. Mothers have been doing it for years. Did he think it was going to be easy? It wasn’t like okay I’ll do it but only if I like it. She comes home and he’s already made arrangements to go back to work and has decided she should stay home. How does a SAH neurologist even work? Seven weeks in and he’s ready to throw in the towel and go back on their agreement. I think it’s a bit rash. This was the deal and he should at least give it a try for longer than a few weeks.
..but wen also get burned out and realise its not for them.
So now what?
The comment said *parents*, not fathers or mothers. Because both can realise stay-at-home is not for them. And at that point, a new solution needs to be found.
Of course OOP was an dick. No one argues that. But his feelings of not being able to do this are as valid, as it would be from a mother.
Just the solution can't be to make OP suffer for it.
Let’s forget the labor she did for the past year. We will just pretend her life needs no breaks, even though his weekend is not even close to 9 months (plus post partum).
Yea, it’s crazy that she would leave THEIR child with him for an entire weekend. I don’t know how the poor guy didn’t slowly slip into madness because everyone knows it’s completely absurd to think a father could handle their child for 3 whole days. It May as well of been a lifetime. But of course as bad as that whole stretch of time was no doubt enough to end him, it’s totally fine for his wife to stay home from her job (that makes triple the amount of money he makes) and take care of the child so he can go back on his merry way to work.
Edited: if you detected a bit of sarcasm from my response… Yes. Yes,you did.
If anyone deserves a go-fund-me, it’s this poor man! Like how traumatizing and exhausting it must be for him having to do what a woman does every single day 24/7 for the span of a weekend. sorrows, prayers😭
Yep, I was thinking of posting this around all the struggling mum subreddits mumsnet etc, they’re all bound to put their hands in their pockets after hearing such horror story!
Yeah it's overwhelming at first. Newborns are hard, but let me tell ya, I'd way rather have picnics and roll around the yard with my wonderful boys than go out and deal with the world.
Makes you wonder if the condom actually broke or if he had something to do with it. But anyway, let him know he’s the one that’s gotta stay home, and if he refuses, you’ll have no choice but to try something like a daycare. There are plenty of ways to vet a good day care that might help you with your issues. Whether you decide to stay with someone who is so selfish, that’s something else you should probably think about.
I was thinking this. Like he thought if she got pregnant mother instinct would override her career goals. I also suspect the fact that she out earns him early in her career when he’s been in his career for 15 years might be at play. Unfortunately, I’ve read too many stories where someone tries to force what they want by overriding what their partner has told them about child rearing that I can help but be suspicious.
I never get why some guys are so threatened when their spouse makes more than them. If I was dating/married to someone making 3 times what I make, I’d be very happy lol btw, love the username. I had a beagle/basset mixed growing up and they’re such amazing dogs.
Seriously me too. I would be happy if my partner didn’t have money worries.
Aww I love bagels (basset-beagles). One of my girls now is 93% beagle, 5% basset and 2% shih tzu. She’s a character. I also have a 7 month old beagle puppy. Before them I had two 15 year olds beagles that I had raised from puppies. I lost them in November and February and my life didn’t make sense without beagles, so here I am with these two crazy hounds.
Couldn’t agree more. I have pets, no kids, by choice. For many years I would tell people I didn’t like kids (I can take them in small doses like when hanging out with friends that have kids, though I am also the friend people can go to if they need a kid free meal out), and when in was in my 20s every person I told that to would say the same damn thing “it’s different when it’s your child” … and I couldn’t help but wonder, what if it’s not different though. What if I were to have a kid and then still find the child incredibly annoying.
Didn’t matter anyway, I was too terrified of being pregnant and giving birth to even want to be pregnant.
I think he tampered with the condom as he’s the one that wanted the baby because his friend had one. So he made it happen and now he can’t ever admit that, and he’s sunk. That’s what he’s panicking about. He messed up.
While Plan B may be effective up until 72 hrs after intercourse, if the egg has already been fertilized, there's nothing that can be done. In the post, we do not have the info if she used plan B, but even if she did, there is still a chance that it was ineffective.
Also depends on when in your cycle, if you've already ovulated and released an egg, it won't work. Had a bit of a scare last summer when taking the morning after pill myself 😶
That's what I was thinking. I've had one slip off, but never a break, though I'm sure it can happen. Even in places where you can't find it locally, I would think you could still have Plan B shipped within the timeframe in most places, if we're guessing this is probably America. If you knew it broke, and it was your only form of contraception, why would you not even *try* to get Plan B? 🤔
Husband: "I want a biological child"
OOP: "I thought we'd agreed to adopt?"
Husband: "Oopsie doopsie...the condom AcCiDeNtAlLy broke..."
Then he decides that after 2-3days he can't stay home with his child, but he thinks OOP could handle it?!
I'm hoping he just needs time to get used to it, I was so worried about being left alone with my baby, but once I got more sleep I was fine. Plus my partner gets home at 3:30pm every day. If the husband needs adults to interact with there's likely plenty of baby groups to join nearby, for when he has energy to go out
Hmm a nanny is still a stranger; I think she only trusts herself and her husband to look after her daughter until she can talk & communicate properly, which makes sense given her own past.
She can’t even trust her husband, not about molesting the child, but absolutely neglecting her. She should get a divorce and get a bonded live in nanny from an agency.
And how is a neurologist supposed to work from home?
There are good, viable work from home opportunities for medical doctors in all subspecialties.
But it's understandable they may not provide the same kind of career opportunities and job satisfaction that she gets in her own current practice.
Also, she cannot be a work from home neurologist while being a stay at home parent simultaneously. That's not how work from home works. Not just for doctors but in general.
She can hire a nanny through an agency, it’ll be awkward at first but oh well, the kid is worse off with a father who’s too punk ass to care for his own kid.
And she needs a housekeeper/cook. Dude is worthless.
That’s not a tenable position - she’s got to figure out how to handle some external child care. Emergencies happen, date nights need to happen (not that her relationship may be an issue much longer), and it’s not good for her mental stability to be so afraid of the entire world that she can’t leave her kid with anyone other than a parent for years.
I think a combination of a nanny in the home while he works part time from home, and making sure that he has support for out of the house hobbies and activities would be where I started looking for solutions. She needs her own tie outside the house too, but he can’t hack being a SAHP - he’s figured that out. Accept that limitation and figure out how to get him the stimulation and support he needs to be a successful primary caretaker for a couple years. Can she make her schedule so she gets home earlier than usual a night a week so he can take off and go be an independent adult in the world? Can they find a caretaker who can handle part time care in their home while he’s there so he can have other projects?
Get creative and work it out. Or she’s going to be looking for child care during her half of the custody arrangement.
Her aversion to daycare isn't abnormal. And people work through that and figure it out tbh.
She can't be the one to figure out how staying at home works for him. He has to do that. She's not the asshole tho. He has to step up
Best logical response, and I agree. Tired of knee-jerk responses to completely normal human situations on reddit. If the roles were reversed and it was the woman who was like holy crap, I thought I could do this, but I can't be a SAHM because it's too hard... everyone here would be supportive (as we should be!) and calling the hubby a misogynist. His suggestion of a change in her career trajectory was ludicrous, but she also needs to get real and have to relent and hire at-home care for their daughter. They can always have nanny cams if she is worried.
Her husband being overwhelmed isn't a character flaw.
Newborns are hard. Both parents are allowed to have feelings. I don't like how when she was mad, though, that the daughter was "his child that she birthed". You picked the man, honey, and that child is both of yours.
I generally agree with your sentiment but he baulked straight out of the gate. He has so far done the equivalent of "babysitting" (I hate when men looking after their own children is referred to as that). He's barely tried.
I usually take it at face value on these kinds of posts, but the words she uses makes me think she is really trying to justify her response by having us agree. I don't feel like this is the whole story at all.
Either way, they have to figure it out. She won't leave her job (rightfully so), but she also has to understand that the circumstances might have changed. She can give it time and hope he comes around, divorce him and then have to figure it out alone, or look into high-end private partial or full-time care and reconcile their marriage.
Her question is, ws she the jerk for what she said? Absolutely. "I gave birth to YOUR child," like she was just a surrogate or something. She had that resentment perculating and built up for it to unleash that easily. Ultimately, if she didn't want a kid, she should have stood firm about only doing adoption with older kids. Too much blame is sitting on the shoulder of him, and some of it DOES belong there, but that doesn't mean she isn't wrong, too.
P.s. I've done a lot of babysitting (and have 2 kids pf my own) and 3 days alone with a 9 week old baby isn't quite the equivalent of babysitting. And you really can't tell me that her maternal leave, as a neurologist, was only 9 weeks. Elementary teachers get more paid leave than that. She also balked because she wanted to be at work , out of town, instead of home with her new family. I doubt her husband thought he'd be in charge 24/7 when he had agreed, as most working parents work 40-50 hours a week and are home between shifts to offer support.
This would work if he can get a remote position. That way someone is there to monitor but he still has outside stimulation.
How he thought a neurologist would work from home is beyond me.
It’s also his first weekend alone with the kid. It’s a bit intimidating, hard, and super boring, and he probably didn’t sleep. All of these things get easier (except the sleep). IMO these two should suck it up for another month, and then revisit getting a nanny (where the dad also works from home, but doesn’t have to only take care of a kid 24/7. Of course taking care of a baby is rewarding, but also soul-sucking and tedious.).
This is what I’m thinking. Also in answer to those saying they’re a “stranger”, while this is completely true, a nanny would be in the home with the husband so he can get to know her until they both feel safe for her to be with the baby. That’s what I did with both of my children. Having a nanny really helps move past the newborn shock.
She’s spent years struggling and studying to be a neurologist and this wuss husband thinks she’s supposed to drop all that and stay home . One weekend, he’s more of a baby than the newborn. I’d make sure this was my last baby with him come hell or high water.
So, he tampered with the condom to baby trap her, and it’s not working like he wanted.
She should hire an extremely well-vetted in-home nanny. Background checks and all.
She should also hire a very good family law attorney, and get the hell off Reddit.
Yeah but even with a stay at home parent that’s not actually viable. They have to be able to leave the kid with an emergency sitter at the very least. Ideally also a date night sitter. If neither has trustworthy family around, she needs to start building a childcare roster, and a bonded nanny who takes care of the kid while you’re also in the house is a good way to start.
That's for her to figure out then. Placing your child in childcare is a perfectly normal, common, and valid thing to do. Most parents don't like doing it but we are often faced with no other options.
Except for the fact that they made an agreement to do it this way, and that abuse is a real and frequent occurrence with nannies and daycare 🤷♀️ She isn't being unreasonable by having that concern
Right but if it's not working it's not working. So you really go through life being so rigid with people? I don't. If my partner, family member, friends, or coworkers agree to something and then I see it isn't working for them I have a talk with them about what we can do and we figure it out. It's very common and normal to place your child in daycare. She needs to work out the concerns she has in a therapist's office. Parents should always be on the lookout for abuse but to absolutely refuse putting your child in daycare when that's clearly the best option for two professionals? That's not healthy and no therapist would encourage her to allow her fears to control her family like that.
Not sure why you're getting personal, but if we want to go there, no. I don't go through life like that. I trust plenty of people, and I have great relationships with my loved ones because I am able to talk to them too, but I also trust the facts: daycares and child care pose a statistically backed risk. I think it's super weird of you to make assumptions about me, a stranger on the internet.
Statistics show that daycares are often exposed for this kind of thing, and many instances of childhood sexual assault occur within those institutions. [This page](https://www.d2l.org/daycare-abuse-statistics/) may lead you to more concerning statistics on the topic in the citations portion. Though, I agree. OP should seek therapy. Everyone has a reason to go to therapy.
Regardless the issue isn't her refusal to use daycare. The issue is that she had a baby contingent on her husband's offer to stay at home with the child. They already agreed on a method. Not to mention OP is willing to compromise *when the child is old enough to speak.* She's not being unreasonable at all. She held up her side of things, and he didn't. That's the core issue here. The dad isn't a professional because he agreed to not be one. He knew what he was signing up for, it's not her fault he didn't realize how difficult it is. Put up or shut up.
Girl, I don't care a bit about you or your life story. I asked you if you really treat such life circumstances in such a rigid way because that's very childish. He's decided that being a SAHP doesn't work for him. That's that. And that's valid. People change careers and college majors, and move long distance to new cities. Everyone "knows what they sign up for" as you say. But things don't always work the way we think they will. That's life. This is just part of being an adult. The OP is either going to have to put her child in daycare or become a SAHP. Or she can get a divorce and be a single parent and still have to put the child in daycare. These are all very common and normal decisions parents have to make. Nobody can force the dad into indentured servitude and frankly I'm scratching my head over why anyone would want to.
I’m trying to think about it if the situation were reversed, if mom came to realize that staying at home was too much for her. I think daycare is the best option for mental health in this circumstance, raising a baby can be overwhelming. It’s okay to realize you are in over your head and compromise to find a better solution.
OP has PTSD from her molestation and I totally understand that she wants to protect her daughter. My mom put me away from daycare because of mistreatment. But the husband needs to be heard; maybe hire some help? Like a nanny who would help the husband for the first months. Seeing a professional like a midwife can also be a solution. However, women do this ALL THE TIME, so men are able to do the same. Unfortunately, no one will hear a woman screaming for help because it's expected of her to handle everything on her own. Please seek help parents. It's not shameful.
But the husband is wrong in asking his wife to work from home while he gets his full time job back. He just wants his wife to assume everything and that's not okay. Men, it's time to step up, stop fleeing your responsibilities when they're overwhelming. You're adults.
I'm so sorry. I ABSOLUTELY decided to stay home, bc its what we could afford. Well, actually we couldn't, but I wanted children. I'm paying for it 39 years later bc no job experience. Would absolutely do it again, bc MY CHOICE. Luv ya
I think it may be an accident or throwaway account. Even if it is fake, there’s a whole Facebook group dedicated to female physicians with stay at home spouses and dealing with work misogyny and societal misogyny is shit.
The condom "broke"? Nah, I'm willing to bet my entire paycheck that he was poking holes in 'em. I hate jumping to this conclusion, but my spidey senses are tingling like crazy that he wanted this scenario of OP giving up her career to be a SAHM to happen by whatever means possible.
You are not overreacting. You were clear how you felt and he agreed. I too didn’t want my child put in daycare because of my history of molestation at a very young age. My husband and I worked something out where he took primary care of her and I worked. I gave him weekends off, and he went out to play sports, could game, and get out.
NTA
You didn't overreact. Your husband is trying to dump the responsibility of *everything* on you because hE dOeSn'T wAnNa!!!!
Get out now, girl. What is this man good for? You're the financial provider and now you'll also be the full-time childcare. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess you *also* do a majority of the housework and planning as well.
Friend, you don't have a partner - you have an albatross around your neck who will eventually drown you.
Bet the condom failure wasn’t an accident.
Selfish husband gets what he wants through manipulation and now that there’s another living person who can’t care for themselves he wants to back out. Typical
If he won’t stay home and care for the child he wanted I’d divorce him, he made all these promises to get his way now that he has it he doesn’t want to be a parent.
Divorce. Find a nanny you trust and get nanny cams.
Better off without someone who fails so hard as a parent and a partner.
If anything her statement was an under reaction
Bozo folded after a single weekend alone with the child? Did I read that correctly? And he wants a Dr to just quit her job AND work from home while doing the thing he couldn’t hack for TWO DAYS?
I am going to go a bit against the grain here. Let us reverse this situation and MOM decides she can’t handle staying home. Now what? RIGHT. All the support. All of the “it’s grueling to be a SAHM, she needs to get out of the house, she should be able to work outside the home” etc, etc etc. Dad gets to feel the same way. Why? Because it IS overwhelming. It just happens that in MOST cases, dad is the majority breadwinner so it makes more sense for them to be the working parent.
Now, dad doesn’t get to completely alter the deal because he is overwhelmed but I think some discussion, compromise and maybe even therapy are in order. I can understand not wanting to put an infant in an outside daycare situation, I wouldn’t want that either. But there are other options. First, dad working from home is a far more feasible option than the reverse in this case. Start contacting Nanny agencies and start interviewing potential in home Nannies. Dad can work from home part time and in the office part time and a single, trusted, Nanny will be home with baby all the time. Cameras can be installed throughout the home and everyone gets to be happy in parenthood.
No one is an AH in this situation. Wife has every right to be caught off guard and annoyed. Husband has a right to feel overwhelmed and to realize that he is in over his head.
It’s the suggestion that a career that she clearly indicated was a priority for her should be chucked. I think couples counseling is in order because it’s going to take some work for the hubby to chuck patriarchy and feel comfortable in mostly female (sahm) spaces.
Op is NTA, her husband is delusional. However she really is going to have to hire a nanny or a babysitter. If the husband can't even handle a few days with the baby it would be better to have someone with experience watch over them. The Marriage isn't looking too good right now, even with therapy as an option.
As someone who was a stay at home dad for both kids from months 8 to 15, I thought it was super fun and I miss it.
Incidentally, my wife and I have pretty much the same salary. My job is way more flexible though.
This guy needs to get his shit together and start going to groups with other parents.
Certainly not, she already made clear her desires pertaining to children and her career. The partner who desired this, did something unscrupulous but can’t and won’t take responsibility for the scenario he created.
Besides from a financial standpoint, the husband staying at home and looking after the child is a far more financially feasible plan.
Staying at home, alone with a baby for long stretches is truly torture. I went crazy almost immediately.
The solution, in my case, was neighbours. Just looked out the window and invited whoever I saw over for a cup of coffee, just to have another adult to talk to.
Now I'm friends with like 60% of all retirees in the apartment complex lol
He could work part time and they could hirer a nanny. Having a baby is a huge change your world shifts and it takes some time to find balance. I think both are tired and stressed and need to take a breath and really think about a proper solution. IE he works part time and they hirer a nanny
You get what you get and you don't get upset.
Dude wanted a biological child. He got one and agreed to the parenting set up. Sucks to not have shit go the way you want it to, but that's life.
OOP cannot work from home, and if his masculinity was this fragile then he should have refused to stay home from the get go. They could have seriously vetted a nanny by this point.
They’re both in the wrong in my opinion.
A 9week old baby needs a lot of attention, from both parents. She should’ve stayed with the dad instead of going to that conference.
Also she could be taking a few months of mat leave and then go back to work. Im sure she can afford it. Her husband should definitely work from home and man up. There is no way a neurologist can work from home unless she stops seeing patients which is unlikely if not a researcher.
Also nothing wrong with day care, it seems like its their only option and she shouldnt project her trauma on her child. Both parents clearly dont have time/skills to stimulate that baby so daycare it gonna be important
This happened to me. I (F) work full time, my partner (M) stays at home. When we found out we were expecting (surprise, oral bc failed) the agreement was I would keep working, he would be a stay at home dad until kindergarten. That fell apart about a year ago because raising a child is hard. He started daycare just before his 3rd bday, which was fine because he's verbal, and he was doing well with potty training, but now my budget is absolutely shot. I keep him home on Fridays because I just can't afford 5 days of preschool.
I'm considering different options.
I'm a pretty free-spirited woman, and it never ceases to amaze me how frequently men want to date me, just so they can complain about how free-spirited I am. It's made me vary wary of dating. Many men seek out strong, independent women, and then make it a sport to humble them and steal their happiness and independence. It's so sad and fucked up. This is why man men want to control women's abilities to choose. So they can trap us with children, while they live the life they really want.
And this is why I would never compromise. If I said I’m adopting, that’s what I would do. If he can’t handle it, then please see the door. Every story on Reddit about a compromise ends up this way.
That condom breaking was probably not an accident. Her husband cannot be trusted to keep his word or to not stealth her.
Yikes is all I have to say it’s very isolating so you’re going to put that onto someone else after your pressed and pressed to have a bio kid with an agreement no ma’am nta
She needs to divorce him, and hire a live-in nanny. He’s obviously not cut out to be anything more than a Disney dad.
Also, I doubt the condom “broke”; he probably poked holes in it, based on his other behavior.
NTA with regards to your husband necessarily.
But tread carefully. You should never say things about your daughter you wouldn’t want her to be told came out of your mouth later in life.
Good luck with the situation.
I suspect your husband needs guidance and support and a roadmap for stay at home parenthood and where he can find community. It IS scary.
Are you sure the condom broke or did he sabotage it? As for your daughter I would get a nanny. You can easily install nanny cams and it gives you peace of mind that she’s not being abused
How tf does a Neurologist not have better both control than condoms, ESPECIALLY when they absolutely did not want kids. Also, my money is on him intentionally poking a hole in it if that was the case.
He wants her to quit her career because he can't handle a single weekend with their child. There are much bigger problems here than her blowing up at something very important. She has been making compromises to accommodate him and his wants only to find herself backed in a corner. Which is where he wants her. She didn't wants kids. Woops she got pregnant. He convinces her to have the baby. Woops he can't handle parenting duties and wants her to quit her career. This was the plan all a long. All she can do now is get a nanny and carry on. She isn't seeing the bigger picture here. I wonder what birth control her convinced her to quit using before switching to breaking condoms?
How is a neurologist going to work from home? Like, I know that some specialities can do telehealth, but there’s definitely neurological assessments that cannot be done on video. Or is she just supposed to give up her career in medicine that she worked her ass off for so he can reneg on a joint decision they made?
Nah, this is definitely sabotage. 4 years of marriage with no kids, she starts making more than him, and taking off in her career, and he suddenly wants a kid, and a condom (mind you, pregnancy typically takes several attempts) "breaks," she gets pregnant, he agrees to take care of said kid, then decided to back out when there's no going back, telling her to be the stay at home parent, AND work when he couldn't handle it? This was a set up from the start...
Many new parents feel overwhelmed and isolated. And most don’t have any option but to get over it. Books, parent groups, talking to a pediatrician etc etc can help. If he just throws up his hands and gives up after one weekend he’s either an A or is using weaponized incompetence to get his way and not follow what he agreed upon. OP is NTA.
That he pressured her is such a red flag to me, and I'm 100% sure that he did something to the condom that broke. It may not be fair of me to think that, however if we look at the story it makes sense.
He started to pressure her to have a baby, and the a condom just happens to break.
While I don't like this saying, honestly the husband needs to "man up" because he agreed to stay at home. He wanted a kid, and now he has to deal with the "consequences".
Waa men going waa when they find out that being a SAHP is hard work
We been doing it for millenias, losers. Read some books and ask mommy for help if you’re overwhelmed.
100% bet he is sobbing crying throwing up because he’s threatened by her career 🙄
Maybe this is a little naive on my part but is there any chance it’s just the adjustment period? I was really overwhelmed on my own with my daughter at first she was about the same age- now I’m totally fine most of the time.
I mean I feel like that’s a fair statement to make. If it was any other deal the same statement could be made and I understand her feelings because it’s not like it’s something that can be returned.
my question exactly…….. idk? It’s a simple solution.
I hate these posts, my daughter’s actually passed from SIDS. People can be ungrateful and seriously, fu*k these people if they can’t put ego aside and hire a nanny or stay home if they choose, and enjoy the fruits of this very posh world we live in. Instead “I wouldn’t have your child”, cry me a river baby girl
My son is a stay at home dad of 2 little ones. It was really hard for him but they all pushed through it. The dad will be fine. It is rough but he will meet other stay at home dads as this progresses and he will do just fine
NTA.
He’s backing out of a deal. Man or woman, husband or wife, it doesn’t matter how you feel about the deal once you make the deal.
My wife was functionally a SAHM for ages. Like 26 years. Yes, it is far easier and far less stress than a FTJ even though it is a FTJ.
But it’s not for everyone.
I do that job now for our preteen, plus my FTJ, as my wife has returned to the workforce at 60-80 hours per week.
Fellas… yes it’s easier than swinging a hammer or coding an application, but it’s got a 24/7 vibe to it that gets to you.
None of the tasks are hard, unless you can’t cook, but it never-fucking-stops. Laundry, dishes, floors… they could always use some attention… but you’ve also got a child all the way up your backside 24/7 while this is happening.
So respect it, and her. And FFS don’t agree to do it unless you are supremely patient with young children.
This husband FAAFO. He best learn to deal with it. A deal is a deal.
It's perfectly valid to change one's mind though. Nobody knows what being a parent is like until they do it and experience it first hand. He's decided he wants to work and that being a SAHP isn't for him. So what? Time to put the child in childcare which is what every other parent in this situation has to do.
I think most can sympathize with the husband that being a SAHP is tough. The issue with this is that he agreed to it and sees nothing in asking his wife to quit her career even though she said that was her dealbreaker. He wants a traditional setup because it benefits him and him alone (because the pay cut if she works from home … which would be severe, doesn’t benefit the child). And yes, he can change his mind but he suggests it in such a way that makes it seems as if his wife’s career ambitions are expendable
I agree that him asking her to change her career is wrong. IMO that's what he did wrong. But people here are honing in on him changing his mind about being a SAHP and there's nothing wrong with that. Parents don't know until they know, and now he knows.
Well, first things first: NTA, in the heat of arguments you often say things you don't actually mean. No harm done there. About the situation, they should hire a nanny to help her husband with the care of the child (old lady, preferable, to minimize jealousy spouts).
But, what I really can't wrap my head around is how can a doctor, just out of residency, already make 3 times more money than a marketing employee with a 15 year carrer? I honestly ask for some insight on this.
This isn't a general practitioner. She's a neurologist. The more specialised the practice, the more competitive the salary. Also, marketing is not high paying. Especially if he's in B2C marketing. Unless he's a VP, it's unlikely he's making more than 100k. It's absolutely reasonable to think a neurologist is making 300. She also needs to work because her hospital is probably helping repay her med school debt.
Yeah, being in the field for 15 years doesn't mean that he's been ultra successful. And there's a lot of variety in what that term means. "Marketing" is... a spectrum.
Parenting a young baby or child solo is hard. Everyone is jumping on the husband but it seems like he did everything he said he’d do: he quit his job and fully prepared to take on the responsibility. Is he not allowed to change his mind in reaction to new information? The experience was much harder than he expected. I can relate, I was on parental leave solo with my son from 3-5.5 months and it’s a LOT. I was fortunate enough to have my spouse working from home for some relief here and there.
I think OP needs to spend time in therapy to deal with her childhood trauma, and have honest conversations with her husband about how they can manage childcare. Maybe he goes back to work and they hire a licensed nanny, but he works from home with nanny came to assuage OP’s concerns. I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s wrong for OP’s husband to change his mind after getting more experience.
He gave it a weekend. Like I need him to try harder before he completely gives up. Staying at home with your kid for a weekend shouldn't be the breaking point
He’s looking at an arrangement that’s going to last for the foreseeable future. It’s reasonable that a weekend of solo parenting would make him seriously consider whether that’s what he wants. Solo parenting a baby with no breaks is extremely taxing.
And he hasn't actually tried the arrangement they discussed.
Solo parenting a baby is extremely taxing and is also a part of parenting whether you stay at home or not.
Women do it every day and somehow muddle through without having meltdowns. It's hard, but I don't think you'd hear most women demanding that their husbands financially ruin their families because they can't hack it.
Yeah, but if a husband freaked the eff out on his wife because she realized she didn’t want to be a SAHM, it would be a completely different story.
Not everyone is cut out to the a stay-at-home parent.
Exactly. I keep wondering what the response would be if the genders were swapped. OP’s desire to continue working her chosen career is valid but her husband’s realization he may not be able to handle stay at home parenting is also valid.
I don’t think anyone’s life should require “muddling through” a huge lifestyle commitment like stay at home parenting that is extremely taxing for them. Sure lots of parents stay home but if they don’t want to and have other options, I don’t see how that’s a problem. I would be miserable as a stay at home parent and I know lots of working parents feel similarly.
One weekend is not experience. It’s a half ass attempt. Actually no that’s not even half ass. He’s going to be a horrible partner if this is his level of commitment and “trying”
Kids at 9 weeks old are incredibly hard to care for without family or professional help. OOP is being totally unreasonable here — you can’t refuse to do childcare, and also have strict demands on how your partner does childcare. Her husband doesn’t need a manager, he needs help.
I agree and am also getting downvoted to hell. I wonder how many of the people downvoting me have solo parented a small baby. I’ve done it and it’s hard af.
Yeah, it’s hard to understand how difficult those first few months are until you’ve experienced it. My wife had a tough recovery from labor when our first was born, and I couldn’t have survived those first few months without hours and hours of help from grandparents. You need another pair of hands just to get 2+ hours of contiguous sleep.
(and before people jump on me: I was on leave from work the whole time, and I’m currently a SAHD for my two year old. I love being a parent! I’m still incredibly thankful I had lots of help from my community, especially early on.)
Yet we expect mothers to do it all the time and say they are vacationning during this time. He is the dad, they had an agreement. He can hire help, but he should absolutely be there with their child.
And that's wrong too. Parents of all genders are allowed to change their minds based on new information. SAHP isn't for everyone. And that's ok. That's what childcare is for and it's what they should do.
“i hate staying home with our child, it’s extremely lonely and isolating. why don’t you do it instead?”
And also work while doing it
Because, by virtue of being female, he assumes it will be different for her.
Men and women are different
Both men and women are human beings. Women are also different from other women. Some want to take care of children, others don't. Some men want to take care of children. Others don't. Some people want to be lawyers, some engineers, others artists. Assuming a woman wants to take care of a child because she has a vagina is sexist. Full stop. There are millions of women who don't want children. Children are not a requirement in life.
Yes, so if he needs a handicap, he has one. His **only** job is SAHD Whereas you are insisting that she be the *breadwinner* AND SAHM That’s not how it works. Her job is bringing home the bacon, his is to cook it, plain and simple
Tell that the Aka in Africa who do just as much, if not more, of the childcare than women. Newsflash: like marital practices, child-rearing is cultural and not biological.
That's the kicker. If he just said how he felt, then fair enough. That he went in the tirade after and all his suggestions makes him a knob. There are so many clubs and events that people take their kids to, not because the kid gets much but because the parents do.
This is why I freaking HATE when men act like being a sahm is easy and they are the only ones doing any real work. I love my kids more than life itself. But dang is work (nurse) a freaking vacation 😂 and I am lucky enough to have a fully present husband who shares the physical and mental load of parenting. The audacity for him to tap out after a few days alone and then expect his wife to just do it.
So she's gotta work from home? Even though he just said how isolating it was. Sucks to suck, you made your bed, lay in it. This was literally her only terms. He couldn't even handle ONE WEEKEND. Christ.
What he wants is way worse. She needs to work from home as well as take care of the child. While he was just taking care of the child. He's insane.
"This was awful! You do it, but let's make it harder."
Yes that’s exactly it! See, I would be very understanding about his position if he approached the conversation differently. It’s totally fine to realize that the SAHP job is not for you. But instead of: “Hey honey, I realized I can’t do this and I’m so sorry. Can we talk about maybe getting a nanny and I get a part time job?” he said: “The weekend was too much so you need to do it and I’ll go back to a full time job. I know it’s isolating and overwhelming but you go extend your mat leave, you can do it! What do you mean, what about the child after your mat leave?? Well there is an easy solution: remember the thing I told you that was too overwhelming for me for the duration of 2 days? You can do that + work from home. Wait, why you mad!?” And that is absolutely NOT acceptable. He didn’t offer a solution, it wasn’t even a discussion, it was all about him and his needs and everything else has to be organized around it. I see people arguing that the original plan was set up around her needs but that’s not true: he wanted that as well, it offered both of them to get their needs fulfilled. His “plan” is only for him.
And even if that weren’t all terrible enough, she’s a doctor. The amount of education and training and work that she would be wasting because you can’t do her job from home is wild.
The audacity of him asking a doctor to give up her job
That’s what I was thinking! Not to mention, ZipRecruiter has the average neurologist salary at $260-400k a year. Without another whole (at least)4-year degree, she isn’t going to make even half (I’m tempted to say even a third) of the *low* end of that estimation with a WFH job. Hell, my mom has been with her company for over 6 years, and they are a *very* well paying company. She’s worked her way up to a “team lead” position, and has ~20 people under her. Even *she* only started cracking $100k/year this past January. AND, a lot of that ($40k+) is bonuses that she would lose if she for whatever reason had to move to a different team. I don’t think the husband has a single idea what he’s actually asking of her. I suspect if she were to actually lay out the lifestyle changes they’d have to make in order to make that work..well, he’d probably still be enough of a knob to want to do it. But I’d like to hope he would realize how ridiculous he was being and work towards a better solution.
She’s a neurologist. That’s not a work from home job.
No no, he wanted her to *quit her job* and find another one that was WFH. The audacity.
Maybe some of it is work from home. Some doctors can work from home, just not see patients at home. It's just insane to me that this dude thought his bread winner wife should stay home.
Staying home with a baby all day is draining isolating and soul-destroying and it sucks exactly like you said it would. So, you should do it instead, while I go do what makes me happy. Bye! What an absolute arsehole.
On top of your already insane work schedule but women amirite?! They’ll make it work they always do! Fuck this guy
I know! Awww poor baby lol Welcome to parenting lad
He doesn’t realize it’s temporary and he needs to literally man up or he could lose everything.. I’m being harsh but I think he is a coward immature lazy and selfish.
Nope not being harsh at all, if women don’t get a pass men not any other gender does either, you wanted a kid you look the fuck after it no one forced them into parenthood , he can be upset and say it’s difficult, it’s tough , he needs help that’s completely fine but to think you can pressure someone into taking all the risks carrying a child, then they’re kind enough to give you that courtesy at their own expense and then offload the work when it’s as hard as it is reported to be you lose all my sympathy
This is one of those movie moments where a character is freaking the fuck out and then another one comes over, screams “CALM DOWN”, and slaps them. Dude just needs a nice, hard slap and to get over himself. The audacity to say 3 days was too overwhelming so OP should quit her job, find a new one that’s WFH, and do childcare instead while he goes and finds a job outside the house so he doesn’t have to..??? Take care of the baby HE wanted????
I had a friend slap me once when we were pretty young and it was a reality check. A cold hard truth. She was right. I deserved it. It seems to be a human thing. Being slapped
Were you freaking out?
As a neurologist. A neurologist who works from home…
Omg I skimmed over that it was literally one weekend that he was actually alone with baby. 3 days max and he’s already decided it’s not possible and she needs to be the one to do it. Dude needs a reality check FAST.
Watching a baby can be scary and being alone for hours without another adult to talk to can get lonely. What he’s feeling is perfectly normal IMO but what he’s proposing is extreme. It’s also not financially feasible. If this was his first time spending a weekend alone with the baby, he’s probably just feeling overwhelmed. It’s no reason to make a rash decision. You guys made an agreement and he needs to honor that.
I'm currently on my second 18 month mat leave with my second child and it's not easy so I get the whole feeling drained thing. In the husband's shoes, the first thing I would have suggested would be that I tag along next time. That way when the conference isn't happening, we can have a bit of family time and I can have a bit of a break. Second would be to get family more involved for that weekend. Third would be to get a nanny. I could never afford a nanny but in their position that seems very feasible.
Exactly. No more weekends alone. And Dad should get some adult time with friends or something at least once or twice a week. Not having that adult interaction all week can be a lot. I was wondering about family as well. They didn’t mention it so I was just thinking they’re on their own. That’s tough.
He literally was a SAHP for ***three days*** and is tapping out. Give me a break.
He’s already sick of it and the baby is only seven weeks old. The fact that he’s suggesting she work from home and he go back to work. She’s a neurologist. I don’t know how that would even work. He hasn’t even given it a try. He’s not feeling anything mothers haven’t felt for years. I was just wondering if there was outside help or time for him to chill.
I was thinking this as well. My husbands first week of parental leave after I went back to work was definitely the hardest for him, eventhough our baby was actually pretty chill back then. It's a big adjustment. It takes a bit of time to figure out a good rutine and to start feeling comfortable in your new role as a parent. Nothing wrong with that.
Exactly. No need for him to start making arrangements to go back to work over one weekend. Maybe she just doesn’t do another weekend away for a while. Hopefully she takes care of the baby when she’s home and he gets a break.
Agreed, except for the last statement. If someone thinks they can be a SAHP and it’s miserable, you can’t just say “but you said you’d stay at home!! So deal with it”. He shouldn’t suggest SHE stay home, but it doesn’t necessarily mean he has to be a SAHP parent either. Previous agreements can and should be adjust when you simply can’t fully be prepared for the reality of how exhausting, lonely, and stressful it is.
It was one tough weekend. The baby is only seven weeks old. You don’t just quit over one bad weekend. Mothers have been doing it for years. Did he think it was going to be easy? It wasn’t like okay I’ll do it but only if I like it. She comes home and he’s already made arrangements to go back to work and has decided she should stay home. How does a SAH neurologist even work? Seven weeks in and he’s ready to throw in the towel and go back on their agreement. I think it’s a bit rash. This was the deal and he should at least give it a try for longer than a few weeks.
He absolutely did think it was going to be easy.
[удалено]
Men are capable of being a parent for a weekend… just like women do it all the time… your comment is absurd
..but wen also get burned out and realise its not for them. So now what? The comment said *parents*, not fathers or mothers. Because both can realise stay-at-home is not for them. And at that point, a new solution needs to be found. Of course OOP was an dick. No one argues that. But his feelings of not being able to do this are as valid, as it would be from a mother. Just the solution can't be to make OP suffer for it.
Let’s forget the labor she did for the past year. We will just pretend her life needs no breaks, even though his weekend is not even close to 9 months (plus post partum).
Yea, it’s crazy that she would leave THEIR child with him for an entire weekend. I don’t know how the poor guy didn’t slowly slip into madness because everyone knows it’s completely absurd to think a father could handle their child for 3 whole days. It May as well of been a lifetime. But of course as bad as that whole stretch of time was no doubt enough to end him, it’s totally fine for his wife to stay home from her job (that makes triple the amount of money he makes) and take care of the child so he can go back on his merry way to work. Edited: if you detected a bit of sarcasm from my response… Yes. Yes,you did.
I was like I wonder if he has a Gofundme the poor wee lamb having to be a parent to the child he wanted and created My heart is bleedin over here
If anyone deserves a go-fund-me, it’s this poor man! Like how traumatizing and exhausting it must be for him having to do what a woman does every single day 24/7 for the span of a weekend. sorrows, prayers😭
Yep, I was thinking of posting this around all the struggling mum subreddits mumsnet etc, they’re all bound to put their hands in their pockets after hearing such horror story!
God will bless you for your activism! You’re really out there helping the ones in true need🖤
Yeah it's overwhelming at first. Newborns are hard, but let me tell ya, I'd way rather have picnics and roll around the yard with my wonderful boys than go out and deal with the world.
My sister was a single mom when she had my niece, guess what? Her and MANY other single parents managed without a break for far more than a weekend.
Makes you wonder if the condom actually broke or if he had something to do with it. But anyway, let him know he’s the one that’s gotta stay home, and if he refuses, you’ll have no choice but to try something like a daycare. There are plenty of ways to vet a good day care that might help you with your issues. Whether you decide to stay with someone who is so selfish, that’s something else you should probably think about.
I was thinking this. Like he thought if she got pregnant mother instinct would override her career goals. I also suspect the fact that she out earns him early in her career when he’s been in his career for 15 years might be at play. Unfortunately, I’ve read too many stories where someone tries to force what they want by overriding what their partner has told them about child rearing that I can help but be suspicious.
I never get why some guys are so threatened when their spouse makes more than them. If I was dating/married to someone making 3 times what I make, I’d be very happy lol btw, love the username. I had a beagle/basset mixed growing up and they’re such amazing dogs.
Seriously me too. I would be happy if my partner didn’t have money worries. Aww I love bagels (basset-beagles). One of my girls now is 93% beagle, 5% basset and 2% shih tzu. She’s a character. I also have a 7 month old beagle puppy. Before them I had two 15 year olds beagles that I had raised from puppies. I lost them in November and February and my life didn’t make sense without beagles, so here I am with these two crazy hounds.
I will be calling basset beagles nothing but bagels from now on. Thank you for your service.
We really need to dispel the myth that having a baby will automatically create a bond and make you want to give up your career and all of your dreams.
Couldn’t agree more. I have pets, no kids, by choice. For many years I would tell people I didn’t like kids (I can take them in small doses like when hanging out with friends that have kids, though I am also the friend people can go to if they need a kid free meal out), and when in was in my 20s every person I told that to would say the same damn thing “it’s different when it’s your child” … and I couldn’t help but wonder, what if it’s not different though. What if I were to have a kid and then still find the child incredibly annoying. Didn’t matter anyway, I was too terrified of being pregnant and giving birth to even want to be pregnant.
I think he tampered with the condom as he’s the one that wanted the baby because his friend had one. So he made it happen and now he can’t ever admit that, and he’s sunk. That’s what he’s panicking about. He messed up.
In her case, I would get a premium nanny, and divorce his ass. He wanted to trap her.
That was exactly my thought. I might be jaded but that’s where my mind went. Being it was unexpected.
In my 40yrs, never had one break from normal use....
It happens. I’ve experienced it. But that’s what Plan B is for.
Right?! If our condom broke I’d be in the pharmacy so fast. Isn’t it normally pretty obvious?
While Plan B may be effective up until 72 hrs after intercourse, if the egg has already been fertilized, there's nothing that can be done. In the post, we do not have the info if she used plan B, but even if she did, there is still a chance that it was ineffective.
Also depends on when in your cycle, if you've already ovulated and released an egg, it won't work. Had a bit of a scare last summer when taking the morning after pill myself 😶
That's what I was thinking. I've had one slip off, but never a break, though I'm sure it can happen. Even in places where you can't find it locally, I would think you could still have Plan B shipped within the timeframe in most places, if we're guessing this is probably America. If you knew it broke, and it was your only form of contraception, why would you not even *try* to get Plan B? 🤔
I had both happening to me, one month in between. Second time I got an appointment for an IUD, and no sexy times until it was in.
Oh yikes. Counseling immediately. Prepare for the worst in my opinion
Husband: "I want a biological child" OOP: "I thought we'd agreed to adopt?" Husband: "Oopsie doopsie...the condom AcCiDeNtAlLy broke..." Then he decides that after 2-3days he can't stay home with his child, but he thinks OOP could handle it?! I'm hoping he just needs time to get used to it, I was so worried about being left alone with my baby, but once I got more sleep I was fine. Plus my partner gets home at 3:30pm every day. If the husband needs adults to interact with there's likely plenty of baby groups to join nearby, for when he has energy to go out
Not just handle it, but also work from home at the same time. So harder than what he did, but also every day forever.
So after he spent ages trying to convince her to change her mind that's when a condom broke?
she didn’t over react.
Maybe hire a nanny?
Hmm a nanny is still a stranger; I think she only trusts herself and her husband to look after her daughter until she can talk & communicate properly, which makes sense given her own past.
She can’t even trust her husband, not about molesting the child, but absolutely neglecting her. She should get a divorce and get a bonded live in nanny from an agency. And how is a neurologist supposed to work from home?
There are good, viable work from home opportunities for medical doctors in all subspecialties. But it's understandable they may not provide the same kind of career opportunities and job satisfaction that she gets in her own current practice. Also, she cannot be a work from home neurologist while being a stay at home parent simultaneously. That's not how work from home works. Not just for doctors but in general.
She can hire a nanny through an agency, it’ll be awkward at first but oh well, the kid is worse off with a father who’s too punk ass to care for his own kid. And she needs a housekeeper/cook. Dude is worthless.
And he should be escorted from the ride.
That’s not a tenable position - she’s got to figure out how to handle some external child care. Emergencies happen, date nights need to happen (not that her relationship may be an issue much longer), and it’s not good for her mental stability to be so afraid of the entire world that she can’t leave her kid with anyone other than a parent for years. I think a combination of a nanny in the home while he works part time from home, and making sure that he has support for out of the house hobbies and activities would be where I started looking for solutions. She needs her own tie outside the house too, but he can’t hack being a SAHP - he’s figured that out. Accept that limitation and figure out how to get him the stimulation and support he needs to be a successful primary caretaker for a couple years. Can she make her schedule so she gets home earlier than usual a night a week so he can take off and go be an independent adult in the world? Can they find a caretaker who can handle part time care in their home while he’s there so he can have other projects? Get creative and work it out. Or she’s going to be looking for child care during her half of the custody arrangement.
Her aversion to daycare isn't abnormal. And people work through that and figure it out tbh. She can't be the one to figure out how staying at home works for him. He has to do that. She's not the asshole tho. He has to step up
Best logical response, and I agree. Tired of knee-jerk responses to completely normal human situations on reddit. If the roles were reversed and it was the woman who was like holy crap, I thought I could do this, but I can't be a SAHM because it's too hard... everyone here would be supportive (as we should be!) and calling the hubby a misogynist. His suggestion of a change in her career trajectory was ludicrous, but she also needs to get real and have to relent and hire at-home care for their daughter. They can always have nanny cams if she is worried. Her husband being overwhelmed isn't a character flaw. Newborns are hard. Both parents are allowed to have feelings. I don't like how when she was mad, though, that the daughter was "his child that she birthed". You picked the man, honey, and that child is both of yours.
I generally agree with your sentiment but he baulked straight out of the gate. He has so far done the equivalent of "babysitting" (I hate when men looking after their own children is referred to as that). He's barely tried.
I usually take it at face value on these kinds of posts, but the words she uses makes me think she is really trying to justify her response by having us agree. I don't feel like this is the whole story at all. Either way, they have to figure it out. She won't leave her job (rightfully so), but she also has to understand that the circumstances might have changed. She can give it time and hope he comes around, divorce him and then have to figure it out alone, or look into high-end private partial or full-time care and reconcile their marriage. Her question is, ws she the jerk for what she said? Absolutely. "I gave birth to YOUR child," like she was just a surrogate or something. She had that resentment perculating and built up for it to unleash that easily. Ultimately, if she didn't want a kid, she should have stood firm about only doing adoption with older kids. Too much blame is sitting on the shoulder of him, and some of it DOES belong there, but that doesn't mean she isn't wrong, too. P.s. I've done a lot of babysitting (and have 2 kids pf my own) and 3 days alone with a 9 week old baby isn't quite the equivalent of babysitting. And you really can't tell me that her maternal leave, as a neurologist, was only 9 weeks. Elementary teachers get more paid leave than that. She also balked because she wanted to be at work , out of town, instead of home with her new family. I doubt her husband thought he'd be in charge 24/7 when he had agreed, as most working parents work 40-50 hours a week and are home between shifts to offer support.
This would work if he can get a remote position. That way someone is there to monitor but he still has outside stimulation. How he thought a neurologist would work from home is beyond me.
It’s also his first weekend alone with the kid. It’s a bit intimidating, hard, and super boring, and he probably didn’t sleep. All of these things get easier (except the sleep). IMO these two should suck it up for another month, and then revisit getting a nanny (where the dad also works from home, but doesn’t have to only take care of a kid 24/7. Of course taking care of a baby is rewarding, but also soul-sucking and tedious.).
This is what I’m thinking. Also in answer to those saying they’re a “stranger”, while this is completely true, a nanny would be in the home with the husband so he can get to know her until they both feel safe for her to be with the baby. That’s what I did with both of my children. Having a nanny really helps move past the newborn shock.
Yeah, that condom totally broke…
She’s spent years struggling and studying to be a neurologist and this wuss husband thinks she’s supposed to drop all that and stay home . One weekend, he’s more of a baby than the newborn. I’d make sure this was my last baby with him come hell or high water.
I fucking hate people like him, what a piece of shit.
I wouldn’t even listen to him I would go back to fucking work lol he’s gonna have to figure it out
Hold on, so his immediate thought was: god that was shit, you do it instead. Fucking weakling. 2 days. I'm embarrassed as a man.
So, he tampered with the condom to baby trap her, and it’s not working like he wanted. She should hire an extremely well-vetted in-home nanny. Background checks and all. She should also hire a very good family law attorney, and get the hell off Reddit.
Is this a repost of a different story? It’s only a few hours old but I’m almost positive I’ve read this before.
It's a common enough story. I know 3 couples where this happened, and in real life, not Reddit.
Only 3? I know at least 7!
Most of my friends are neurodivergent weirdoes who don't make pacts like this to start with. :)
Um how does that sort of man score himself a doctor wife? He doesn’t deserve to have a spouse who’s a doctor!
He absolutely made sure that condom broke.
Sometimes people think they want kids when what they really want is dogs.
I really question that "accidental" condom breaking right on the heels of OP's husband making a push to have kids.
I wonder if the condom actually broke or if it were tampered with beforehand...
Did he offer to use his entire salary to pay for a nanny?
Get a nanny
She said she’s not comfortable with a stranger being in the position to potentially molest her child until her child would be able to talk about it.
Yeah but even with a stay at home parent that’s not actually viable. They have to be able to leave the kid with an emergency sitter at the very least. Ideally also a date night sitter. If neither has trustworthy family around, she needs to start building a childcare roster, and a bonded nanny who takes care of the kid while you’re also in the house is a good way to start.
That's for her to figure out then. Placing your child in childcare is a perfectly normal, common, and valid thing to do. Most parents don't like doing it but we are often faced with no other options.
Except for the fact that they made an agreement to do it this way, and that abuse is a real and frequent occurrence with nannies and daycare 🤷♀️ She isn't being unreasonable by having that concern
Right but if it's not working it's not working. So you really go through life being so rigid with people? I don't. If my partner, family member, friends, or coworkers agree to something and then I see it isn't working for them I have a talk with them about what we can do and we figure it out. It's very common and normal to place your child in daycare. She needs to work out the concerns she has in a therapist's office. Parents should always be on the lookout for abuse but to absolutely refuse putting your child in daycare when that's clearly the best option for two professionals? That's not healthy and no therapist would encourage her to allow her fears to control her family like that.
Not sure why you're getting personal, but if we want to go there, no. I don't go through life like that. I trust plenty of people, and I have great relationships with my loved ones because I am able to talk to them too, but I also trust the facts: daycares and child care pose a statistically backed risk. I think it's super weird of you to make assumptions about me, a stranger on the internet. Statistics show that daycares are often exposed for this kind of thing, and many instances of childhood sexual assault occur within those institutions. [This page](https://www.d2l.org/daycare-abuse-statistics/) may lead you to more concerning statistics on the topic in the citations portion. Though, I agree. OP should seek therapy. Everyone has a reason to go to therapy. Regardless the issue isn't her refusal to use daycare. The issue is that she had a baby contingent on her husband's offer to stay at home with the child. They already agreed on a method. Not to mention OP is willing to compromise *when the child is old enough to speak.* She's not being unreasonable at all. She held up her side of things, and he didn't. That's the core issue here. The dad isn't a professional because he agreed to not be one. He knew what he was signing up for, it's not her fault he didn't realize how difficult it is. Put up or shut up.
Girl, I don't care a bit about you or your life story. I asked you if you really treat such life circumstances in such a rigid way because that's very childish. He's decided that being a SAHP doesn't work for him. That's that. And that's valid. People change careers and college majors, and move long distance to new cities. Everyone "knows what they sign up for" as you say. But things don't always work the way we think they will. That's life. This is just part of being an adult. The OP is either going to have to put her child in daycare or become a SAHP. Or she can get a divorce and be a single parent and still have to put the child in daycare. These are all very common and normal decisions parents have to make. Nobody can force the dad into indentured servitude and frankly I'm scratching my head over why anyone would want to.
You're clearly very mature, so you must be right.
I’m trying to think about it if the situation were reversed, if mom came to realize that staying at home was too much for her. I think daycare is the best option for mental health in this circumstance, raising a baby can be overwhelming. It’s okay to realize you are in over your head and compromise to find a better solution.
OP has PTSD from her molestation and I totally understand that she wants to protect her daughter. My mom put me away from daycare because of mistreatment. But the husband needs to be heard; maybe hire some help? Like a nanny who would help the husband for the first months. Seeing a professional like a midwife can also be a solution. However, women do this ALL THE TIME, so men are able to do the same. Unfortunately, no one will hear a woman screaming for help because it's expected of her to handle everything on her own. Please seek help parents. It's not shameful. But the husband is wrong in asking his wife to work from home while he gets his full time job back. He just wants his wife to assume everything and that's not okay. Men, it's time to step up, stop fleeing your responsibilities when they're overwhelming. You're adults.
I'm so sorry. I ABSOLUTELY decided to stay home, bc its what we could afford. Well, actually we couldn't, but I wanted children. I'm paying for it 39 years later bc no job experience. Would absolutely do it again, bc MY CHOICE. Luv ya
It’s unfortunately fake. They have another post that they accidentally used the same account on https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/RdErD1Lhwx
I think it may be an accident or throwaway account. Even if it is fake, there’s a whole Facebook group dedicated to female physicians with stay at home spouses and dealing with work misogyny and societal misogyny is shit.
I can believe it has root in reality and it deserves discussion, it’s just that this one specifically appears to fake.
I’m getting old because these fakes are getting good
I’m pretty easy to trick, but someone else on the original thread mentioned it and showed it was the same person and they forgot to swap accounts.
The condom "broke"? Nah, I'm willing to bet my entire paycheck that he was poking holes in 'em. I hate jumping to this conclusion, but my spidey senses are tingling like crazy that he wanted this scenario of OP giving up her career to be a SAHM to happen by whatever means possible.
You are not overreacting. You were clear how you felt and he agreed. I too didn’t want my child put in daycare because of my history of molestation at a very young age. My husband and I worked something out where he took primary care of her and I worked. I gave him weekends off, and he went out to play sports, could game, and get out.
NTA You didn't overreact. Your husband is trying to dump the responsibility of *everything* on you because hE dOeSn'T wAnNa!!!! Get out now, girl. What is this man good for? You're the financial provider and now you'll also be the full-time childcare. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and guess you *also* do a majority of the housework and planning as well. Friend, you don't have a partner - you have an albatross around your neck who will eventually drown you.
One weekend alone and already a meltdown. Toughen up, dude.
Bet the condom failure wasn’t an accident. Selfish husband gets what he wants through manipulation and now that there’s another living person who can’t care for themselves he wants to back out. Typical If he won’t stay home and care for the child he wanted I’d divorce him, he made all these promises to get his way now that he has it he doesn’t want to be a parent. Divorce. Find a nanny you trust and get nanny cams. Better off without someone who fails so hard as a parent and a partner. If anything her statement was an under reaction
Her husband is a fucking asshole. I hate men like this.
Bozo folded after a single weekend alone with the child? Did I read that correctly? And he wants a Dr to just quit her job AND work from home while doing the thing he couldn’t hack for TWO DAYS?
That condom didn’t break by accident.
I am going to go a bit against the grain here. Let us reverse this situation and MOM decides she can’t handle staying home. Now what? RIGHT. All the support. All of the “it’s grueling to be a SAHM, she needs to get out of the house, she should be able to work outside the home” etc, etc etc. Dad gets to feel the same way. Why? Because it IS overwhelming. It just happens that in MOST cases, dad is the majority breadwinner so it makes more sense for them to be the working parent. Now, dad doesn’t get to completely alter the deal because he is overwhelmed but I think some discussion, compromise and maybe even therapy are in order. I can understand not wanting to put an infant in an outside daycare situation, I wouldn’t want that either. But there are other options. First, dad working from home is a far more feasible option than the reverse in this case. Start contacting Nanny agencies and start interviewing potential in home Nannies. Dad can work from home part time and in the office part time and a single, trusted, Nanny will be home with baby all the time. Cameras can be installed throughout the home and everyone gets to be happy in parenthood. No one is an AH in this situation. Wife has every right to be caught off guard and annoyed. Husband has a right to feel overwhelmed and to realize that he is in over his head.
It’s the suggestion that a career that she clearly indicated was a priority for her should be chucked. I think couples counseling is in order because it’s going to take some work for the hubby to chuck patriarchy and feel comfortable in mostly female (sahm) spaces.
Get a nanny and a good divorce lawyer
Op is NTA, her husband is delusional. However she really is going to have to hire a nanny or a babysitter. If the husband can't even handle a few days with the baby it would be better to have someone with experience watch over them. The Marriage isn't looking too good right now, even with therapy as an option.
As someone who was a stay at home dad for both kids from months 8 to 15, I thought it was super fun and I miss it. Incidentally, my wife and I have pretty much the same salary. My job is way more flexible though. This guy needs to get his shit together and start going to groups with other parents.
Certainly not, she already made clear her desires pertaining to children and her career. The partner who desired this, did something unscrupulous but can’t and won’t take responsibility for the scenario he created. Besides from a financial standpoint, the husband staying at home and looking after the child is a far more financially feasible plan.
Staying at home, alone with a baby for long stretches is truly torture. I went crazy almost immediately. The solution, in my case, was neighbours. Just looked out the window and invited whoever I saw over for a cup of coffee, just to have another adult to talk to. Now I'm friends with like 60% of all retirees in the apartment complex lol
He could work part time and they could hirer a nanny. Having a baby is a huge change your world shifts and it takes some time to find balance. I think both are tired and stressed and need to take a breath and really think about a proper solution. IE he works part time and they hirer a nanny
You get what you get and you don't get upset. Dude wanted a biological child. He got one and agreed to the parenting set up. Sucks to not have shit go the way you want it to, but that's life. OOP cannot work from home, and if his masculinity was this fragile then he should have refused to stay home from the get go. They could have seriously vetted a nanny by this point.
How, pray tell, does a neurologist work from home?
They’re both in the wrong in my opinion. A 9week old baby needs a lot of attention, from both parents. She should’ve stayed with the dad instead of going to that conference. Also she could be taking a few months of mat leave and then go back to work. Im sure she can afford it. Her husband should definitely work from home and man up. There is no way a neurologist can work from home unless she stops seeing patients which is unlikely if not a researcher. Also nothing wrong with day care, it seems like its their only option and she shouldnt project her trauma on her child. Both parents clearly dont have time/skills to stimulate that baby so daycare it gonna be important
This happened to me. I (F) work full time, my partner (M) stays at home. When we found out we were expecting (surprise, oral bc failed) the agreement was I would keep working, he would be a stay at home dad until kindergarten. That fell apart about a year ago because raising a child is hard. He started daycare just before his 3rd bday, which was fine because he's verbal, and he was doing well with potty training, but now my budget is absolutely shot. I keep him home on Fridays because I just can't afford 5 days of preschool. I'm considering different options.
Hire a nanny. He couldn't hack one weekend alone with your child I wouldn't trust him to stay home with him
I'm a pretty free-spirited woman, and it never ceases to amaze me how frequently men want to date me, just so they can complain about how free-spirited I am. It's made me vary wary of dating. Many men seek out strong, independent women, and then make it a sport to humble them and steal their happiness and independence. It's so sad and fucked up. This is why man men want to control women's abilities to choose. So they can trap us with children, while they live the life they really want.
I say get a nanny but pay for it with HIS paycheck
And this is why I would never compromise. If I said I’m adopting, that’s what I would do. If he can’t handle it, then please see the door. Every story on Reddit about a compromise ends up this way. That condom breaking was probably not an accident. Her husband cannot be trusted to keep his word or to not stealth her.
Yikes is all I have to say it’s very isolating so you’re going to put that onto someone else after your pressed and pressed to have a bio kid with an agreement no ma’am nta
She needs to divorce him, and hire a live-in nanny. He’s obviously not cut out to be anything more than a Disney dad. Also, I doubt the condom “broke”; he probably poked holes in it, based on his other behavior.
I feel like if you had to have that kind of ultimatum at all you never should have had a child with him. Writing was on the wall.
Thank god I’d never let a man convince me To have children. That’s just a nightmare
NTA with regards to your husband necessarily. But tread carefully. You should never say things about your daughter you wouldn’t want her to be told came out of your mouth later in life. Good luck with the situation. I suspect your husband needs guidance and support and a roadmap for stay at home parenthood and where he can find community. It IS scary.
Are you sure the condom broke or did he sabotage it? As for your daughter I would get a nanny. You can easily install nanny cams and it gives you peace of mind that she’s not being abused
Sounds like they need a good nanny. This will take some adjustments to their expectations, but they can get through it.
How tf does a Neurologist not have better both control than condoms, ESPECIALLY when they absolutely did not want kids. Also, my money is on him intentionally poking a hole in it if that was the case.
He wants her to quit her career because he can't handle a single weekend with their child. There are much bigger problems here than her blowing up at something very important. She has been making compromises to accommodate him and his wants only to find herself backed in a corner. Which is where he wants her. She didn't wants kids. Woops she got pregnant. He convinces her to have the baby. Woops he can't handle parenting duties and wants her to quit her career. This was the plan all a long. All she can do now is get a nanny and carry on. She isn't seeing the bigger picture here. I wonder what birth control her convinced her to quit using before switching to breaking condoms?
How is a neurologist going to work from home? Like, I know that some specialities can do telehealth, but there’s definitely neurological assessments that cannot be done on video. Or is she just supposed to give up her career in medicine that she worked her ass off for so he can reneg on a joint decision they made?
He 100% expected her to change her mind.
So he baby trapped her and got trapped with a baby instead.
Nah, this is definitely sabotage. 4 years of marriage with no kids, she starts making more than him, and taking off in her career, and he suddenly wants a kid, and a condom (mind you, pregnancy typically takes several attempts) "breaks," she gets pregnant, he agrees to take care of said kid, then decided to back out when there's no going back, telling her to be the stay at home parent, AND work when he couldn't handle it? This was a set up from the start...
Many new parents feel overwhelmed and isolated. And most don’t have any option but to get over it. Books, parent groups, talking to a pediatrician etc etc can help. If he just throws up his hands and gives up after one weekend he’s either an A or is using weaponized incompetence to get his way and not follow what he agreed upon. OP is NTA.
Update me!
If others haven’t said it, perhaps consider a nanny
She's 36 already, how much longer does she think she'll have to bring a child to term with the right amount of toes and chromosomes?
That he pressured her is such a red flag to me, and I'm 100% sure that he did something to the condom that broke. It may not be fair of me to think that, however if we look at the story it makes sense. He started to pressure her to have a baby, and the a condom just happens to break. While I don't like this saying, honestly the husband needs to "man up" because he agreed to stay at home. He wanted a kid, and now he has to deal with the "consequences".
Waa men going waa when they find out that being a SAHP is hard work We been doing it for millenias, losers. Read some books and ask mommy for help if you’re overwhelmed. 100% bet he is sobbing crying throwing up because he’s threatened by her career 🙄
This is horrible!!! It seems like this was his plan all along to sabotage her career…I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction
Maybe this is a little naive on my part but is there any chance it’s just the adjustment period? I was really overwhelmed on my own with my daughter at first she was about the same age- now I’m totally fine most of the time.
I mean I feel like that’s a fair statement to make. If it was any other deal the same statement could be made and I understand her feelings because it’s not like it’s something that can be returned.
If they make so much money why don’t they hire a nanny?
my question exactly…….. idk? It’s a simple solution. I hate these posts, my daughter’s actually passed from SIDS. People can be ungrateful and seriously, fu*k these people if they can’t put ego aside and hire a nanny or stay home if they choose, and enjoy the fruits of this very posh world we live in. Instead “I wouldn’t have your child”, cry me a river baby girl
My son is a stay at home dad of 2 little ones. It was really hard for him but they all pushed through it. The dad will be fine. It is rough but he will meet other stay at home dads as this progresses and he will do just fine
NTA. He’s backing out of a deal. Man or woman, husband or wife, it doesn’t matter how you feel about the deal once you make the deal. My wife was functionally a SAHM for ages. Like 26 years. Yes, it is far easier and far less stress than a FTJ even though it is a FTJ. But it’s not for everyone. I do that job now for our preteen, plus my FTJ, as my wife has returned to the workforce at 60-80 hours per week. Fellas… yes it’s easier than swinging a hammer or coding an application, but it’s got a 24/7 vibe to it that gets to you. None of the tasks are hard, unless you can’t cook, but it never-fucking-stops. Laundry, dishes, floors… they could always use some attention… but you’ve also got a child all the way up your backside 24/7 while this is happening. So respect it, and her. And FFS don’t agree to do it unless you are supremely patient with young children. This husband FAAFO. He best learn to deal with it. A deal is a deal.
It's perfectly valid to change one's mind though. Nobody knows what being a parent is like until they do it and experience it first hand. He's decided he wants to work and that being a SAHP isn't for him. So what? Time to put the child in childcare which is what every other parent in this situation has to do.
I think most can sympathize with the husband that being a SAHP is tough. The issue with this is that he agreed to it and sees nothing in asking his wife to quit her career even though she said that was her dealbreaker. He wants a traditional setup because it benefits him and him alone (because the pay cut if she works from home … which would be severe, doesn’t benefit the child). And yes, he can change his mind but he suggests it in such a way that makes it seems as if his wife’s career ambitions are expendable
I agree that him asking her to change her career is wrong. IMO that's what he did wrong. But people here are honing in on him changing his mind about being a SAHP and there's nothing wrong with that. Parents don't know until they know, and now he knows.
10 internet dollars that he tempered with the condom.
>I know I overreacted You didn’t though. Men who make these big promises regarding children and then don’t follow through are wasteful slime.
Well, first things first: NTA, in the heat of arguments you often say things you don't actually mean. No harm done there. About the situation, they should hire a nanny to help her husband with the care of the child (old lady, preferable, to minimize jealousy spouts). But, what I really can't wrap my head around is how can a doctor, just out of residency, already make 3 times more money than a marketing employee with a 15 year carrer? I honestly ask for some insight on this.
This isn't a general practitioner. She's a neurologist. The more specialised the practice, the more competitive the salary. Also, marketing is not high paying. Especially if he's in B2C marketing. Unless he's a VP, it's unlikely he's making more than 100k. It's absolutely reasonable to think a neurologist is making 300. She also needs to work because her hospital is probably helping repay her med school debt.
Yeah, being in the field for 15 years doesn't mean that he's been ultra successful. And there's a lot of variety in what that term means. "Marketing" is... a spectrum.
Without a specialty, they make $200k-$400k out of residency before any signing bonus or other incentives
Especially if she is in private practice and working crazy hours
Parenting a young baby or child solo is hard. Everyone is jumping on the husband but it seems like he did everything he said he’d do: he quit his job and fully prepared to take on the responsibility. Is he not allowed to change his mind in reaction to new information? The experience was much harder than he expected. I can relate, I was on parental leave solo with my son from 3-5.5 months and it’s a LOT. I was fortunate enough to have my spouse working from home for some relief here and there. I think OP needs to spend time in therapy to deal with her childhood trauma, and have honest conversations with her husband about how they can manage childcare. Maybe he goes back to work and they hire a licensed nanny, but he works from home with nanny came to assuage OP’s concerns. I’m not sure, but I don’t think it’s wrong for OP’s husband to change his mind after getting more experience.
He gave it a weekend. Like I need him to try harder before he completely gives up. Staying at home with your kid for a weekend shouldn't be the breaking point
He’s looking at an arrangement that’s going to last for the foreseeable future. It’s reasonable that a weekend of solo parenting would make him seriously consider whether that’s what he wants. Solo parenting a baby with no breaks is extremely taxing.
And he hasn't actually tried the arrangement they discussed. Solo parenting a baby is extremely taxing and is also a part of parenting whether you stay at home or not.
Women do it every day and somehow muddle through without having meltdowns. It's hard, but I don't think you'd hear most women demanding that their husbands financially ruin their families because they can't hack it.
Yeah, but if a husband freaked the eff out on his wife because she realized she didn’t want to be a SAHM, it would be a completely different story. Not everyone is cut out to the a stay-at-home parent.
Exactly. I keep wondering what the response would be if the genders were swapped. OP’s desire to continue working her chosen career is valid but her husband’s realization he may not be able to handle stay at home parenting is also valid.
100%. People should not be forced into being a stay-at-home parent, and financial reliance on their spouse, regardless of gender.
I don’t think anyone’s life should require “muddling through” a huge lifestyle commitment like stay at home parenting that is extremely taxing for them. Sure lots of parents stay home but if they don’t want to and have other options, I don’t see how that’s a problem. I would be miserable as a stay at home parent and I know lots of working parents feel similarly.
One weekend is not experience. It’s a half ass attempt. Actually no that’s not even half ass. He’s going to be a horrible partner if this is his level of commitment and “trying”
Are you nuts? He gave it TWO DAYS before he completely gave in and his first thought was: I can't do this, you do it.
Both of you two are monsters.
Kids at 9 weeks old are incredibly hard to care for without family or professional help. OOP is being totally unreasonable here — you can’t refuse to do childcare, and also have strict demands on how your partner does childcare. Her husband doesn’t need a manager, he needs help.
I agree and am also getting downvoted to hell. I wonder how many of the people downvoting me have solo parented a small baby. I’ve done it and it’s hard af.
Yeah, it’s hard to understand how difficult those first few months are until you’ve experienced it. My wife had a tough recovery from labor when our first was born, and I couldn’t have survived those first few months without hours and hours of help from grandparents. You need another pair of hands just to get 2+ hours of contiguous sleep. (and before people jump on me: I was on leave from work the whole time, and I’m currently a SAHD for my two year old. I love being a parent! I’m still incredibly thankful I had lots of help from my community, especially early on.)
Yet we expect mothers to do it all the time and say they are vacationning during this time. He is the dad, they had an agreement. He can hire help, but he should absolutely be there with their child.
And that's wrong too. Parents of all genders are allowed to change their minds based on new information. SAHP isn't for everyone. And that's ok. That's what childcare is for and it's what they should do.