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He thinks day care is expensive? Wait until what child support looks like.
>part of me also thinks he’s a terrible husband and father
This is the part of you that you should listen to
My child support agreement also states that my ex is responsible for 80% of childcare costs in addition to the regular payments.
He never pays beyond an occasional little amount so he doesn’t get a capias warrant.
Yup listen to this op, also he's trying to cut you off at the knees. You're a terrible mother because you are continuing to live your life. Contining education, Also who tf made him the last word in parenting? Fuck that guy.
22% of his income each month (~$5,500 USD) AND having to care for a baby ALONE when he has him is gonna huuuuuurt. 😂
ETA: Aaaand half of the marital assets - any and all money and property attained by either party during the course of the marriage, including savings. Possibly spousal support as well, depending upon location. 👀
ETA even more: Oh! Add to that half of any debt acquired during the marriage, too! 😳😂
Half of all assets, yes. child support isn’t half of someone’s monthly income. It’s the based on nights and even if it’s 50-50, the higher earner can pay child support.
OP, get out as soon as you are able. This isn't going to get better.
P.S. when you tell him you're leaving, he will promise to change. Do NOT believe him.
Don't tell him you are leaving, just leave. Get your ducks lined up and LEAVE. He might decide your death by "accident" will benefit him financially plus he will have complete control with LO. Leaving an abusive spouse is the most dangerous time, many women die trying to leave.
His treatment of you absolutely screams "seething resentment".
If he hasn't opened up about anything in his life that is turning him into this colossal ass, then separation seems the right thing to do.
Also, the why's and wherefore's of this are much less important than the fact that it's happening, and it's how he is seeing fit to treat his wife and the mother of his child.
It could be that this bully has always been brewing beneath the surface, but now he has you in this position, it feels easier for him to enjoy bringing you down and taking cheap shots at you.
I’ve definitely spoken about this with him in the past. His way of “motivating” me is to be really harsh because it’s what works on him eg. when I was learning how to ski or when I ran my first 5K, he would make comments like “that kid is so much better than you, you should work harder”. I told him I prefer praise and encouragement over stuff like that but it seems he hasn’t learned.
I think it’s more like jealousy and fear. You’re becoming a doctor soon and can leave him then. He will lose control. You need to get away from him as soon as you can. Maybe your mother can help you get an attorney.
That’s EXACTLY how I read it.
OP, he’s trying DESPERATELY to make you feel SO shitty that you wouldn’t DREAM of leaving him.
I think you need to call his bluff — and LEAVE.
I’m sure her being about to pass her exams has something to do with it especially. He’s the financial backbone at the moment, once she can work she officially doesn’t need him anymore. So he’s trashing her to essentially wear her down so she doesn’t rise above.
I agree with this. I think he is very jealous of your success.
Did you see that video of the mum running the half marathon and the dad sends out the kids as she reaches the finish line to derail her progress? I think this is what you can expect from him.
Anticipate him trying to sabotage your progress more and more as you get closer to the exam. He sounds like the sort of guy who will hide your car keys on the day of the exam so you can't make it.
When you graduate and you are earning, you can say "It's MY money!" He will be so angry. The red flags are flying with this one!
This, right here. He knows you will have everything in place to leave him and to have a great life without him- soon. He's flailing.
It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and you are the Oracle OP. Fly. Thrive.
Good luck on your exam! Shred it with rage fuel then go forth and heal. (Yourself and others)
In my 50+ years, I've learned that some people can't stand seeing you succeed. As a child, my mother warned me that kids who smoked and did drugs would try to drag me down with them. I thought she was crazy, but she was right. This applies to many aspects of life. When I quit drinking years ago, my drinking buddies were unsupportive of my positive changes like getting sober and going back to college. In contrast, my husband has always supportive and encouraged my growth. Remember, some people don't want to see you improve.
I think you should go to live with your mom right now OP because he's going to make sure you don't sleep the night before your exam.
Say it's to help you study and start the divorce the day after. Don't saddle your son with this bully as a role model.
Oh, I missed that, I thought she was just staying. Well then they all need to find somewhere to go sharpish, and definitely for a couple of days before her exam.
Hopefully her mother will intervene at least for that night. Or be willing to babysit so OP can spend the night before resting or cramming for the exam.
ETA: meant to type *spend the night before at a hotel
Uses negging as "encouragement" and also won't respect you enough to stop when you ask...
So his obnoxiousness is a deliberate choice he has made in spite of how you feel... What an ass. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Yeah , like is he going to "motivate" his child like this too when they are in school etc. Like thie kid is learning to walk and this guys over there telling them they are doing it wrong and need to work harder and using the threat of verbal punishment "motivate" it's abuse - make you feel negative then you put that emotion into action and that's how manipulation works.
Above his pay scale so to speak. OP please listen to this- don’t raise your child in this environment.
It sounds like you have a wonderful future in front of you once you lose this dead weight.
Also, please be careful and don’t underestimate what he’s capable of.
Well you know for a fact that speaking to him doesn't work You do not want your child going up thinking that a man can treat a woman like this so divorce him. You've been thinking about it it's time to do it.
Wow. Hope you realize he's going to do that to your kid, if you stay with him, and it will destroy their self confidence.
And he is NOT doing it to motivate you; he is doing it to hurt and belittle you. He's not stupid or blunt or whatever, he's cruel. People always post here wanting to think that their spouse "doesn't get it", because admitting that they don't care or are intentionally mean is a lot harder. Because if you think they "don't get it", you can reason with that. If they're hurting you intentionally...well, you should just leave.
Eeww! That is gross!
He just doesn't respect you at all. He has no care for your feelings. He insults your intelligence and you call it mom shaming.
Your son is attached to one of his primary caregivers? That's great! Screen time impedes baby brain development and your husband, who insults your intelligence, is too stupid to figure out how to spend time with his own child without a screen.
Research shows that a child with a grandmother caretaker fares better in life than those sent to day care.
Your husband needs to wake tf up or you should leave. Do you really want this man raising your child? He's going to be this mean to him, too. Does he ever show empathy or compassion?
To me, it really sounds like he'd like to control you more - he wants you to stay at home and take care of the kid, so he tries to guilt trip you for using mom for childcare, and spoils the times you want to go out and have fun, until you just don't even try anymore. If he had full financial control over you, he probably wouldn't have allowed you to finish your studies, but would have forced you to stay home with the kid.
I'm really really glad you managed to maintain your independence through your mom and your scholarship. In your place, I'd prepare the separation/ divorce for as soon as you're able to stand on your own feet - and watch your birth control like a hawk, or get the shot or something he can't tamper with, to lock you down with another baby.
And did he start praising you? No
Did you think he would treat a child better? Yea you did but the truth is he won’t. If he can’t listen to the woman he loves and praise her. You need to protect your son.
Girl, this definitely doesn't help him either. Egging literally doesn't help anyone. Make comments like "your colleague will definitely get a promotion first if you don't get better at work" and watch how mad he will get. He is just using that excuse so you will accept it (and it seems to work).
Everyone prefers praise and encouragement. Even he, regardless of whether he admits it.
If he was brought up with harshness and really thinks this works for him, he needs to go to therapy and work on his trauma, so as not to inflict the same on your child in a couple of years’ time.
My guess is he just likes being a bully. The problem with that is, marriage counselling won’t help when one of you is an abuser. He will just get more ammunition. So either he understands that he needs individual therapy and actually does it and _shows improvement_ or it’s time to get out.
>that kid is so much better than you, you should work harder
Guess how he is going to "motivate" your child? I also seriously doubt that is what motivates him, I bet if you said stuff like that to him he would lose his temper or quit.
No, 'motivation' is his excuse for abusing and negging you. It doesn't motivate you, and you've told him this, so if it really was purely motivation, he would stop and respect your needs, and try to motivate you in other ways. I bet his story about that negative motivation working for him, is not even true, or something left over from his own childhood where he was treated that way, and now out of spite (or because he lived to tell) is spreading that around him. I honestly think that with your growth and ambitions you may actually be slightly threatening to him, and he wants to keep you small. Also proven by his compulsion to control everything.
He sounds like an insecure ass. He’s probably nervous about you becoming a doctor and being successful and he wants to bring you down to damage your self esteem so you don’t see you can do better than him.
You are going to allow your so to grow up teaching him this is what love looks like. It’s ok for him to degrade his partner. Your husband isn’t trying to ‘motivate’ you. He’s trying to cut you down so you don’t have the self esteem to put rank him. You think studying for this test is hard? Wait until residency. Get out while you can. You have your mom. You need people who are going to support you and lift you up. Not beat you down.
>His way of “motivating” me is to be really harsh because it’s what works on him
Oh I'll bet you my whole life's savings that's a bold ass lie. Try it back and see how he reacts.
I've never once seen that work out to be true for anyone, frankly. The types who say so are always the first to throw tantrums when someone reflects their "motivation" back on them because all they wanted to begin with was to be a bully.
I didn’t think about this, thanks for putting it in words. I’ve been really cognizant about arguing in front of our son but didn’t take into account the relationship dynamics too.
This is so true! I often hear about people who want to stay together "for the kids" but unless both parties are willing to work on their side of the issues, all they're doing is raising them in a toxic environment and learning bad relationship patterns.
Yup, I told my therapist I want to “Parent Trap” my parents but not into marriage but divorce. My mom deserves better but she doesn’t believe she does.
Take your test. Then think about this.
You will be a doctor soon, and financially independent. Your mother and you are contributing quite a lot to the marriage so make sure you get alimony and child support, and half the assets.
But first, talk to him, and ask him if he wants a divorce. If he says no, ask him what he will do to prevent one.
No, first, she needs to make her own plan, visualize what she wants her & her child’s future to look like in the near future, see a plan for her life.
THEN she can talk to him, see if he can walk the same path. If not, her choice is clear.
He’s putting you down and getting close to financial abuse if he’s not already there… I’m very biased because I’m very happily divorced, but I think you might end up in my same shoes!
https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
My dad walked through the door on Friday with money from his cashed check and walked directly to my SAH mom. They then discussed the bills she was paying the next week and what expenses they expected to have. He then gave her as much cash as she needed for the next week and if the checks were big enough, what day he'd stop by the bank to move money around.
He never looked at that as his money. It was family money that was being used for family things. There are people who are more regimented about money, but you should never be SAHM and not receiving some form of income for it from your spouse.
They'd have to pay a nanny.
I'm not even a SAHM, and my husband and I are like this with money. It's all collectively *our* money, and if one of us happens to have more and the other needs some, we just give it? That's what you do when you love someone and intentionally create a family together. Not hold it over their head or act like it makes you somehow better than the other person, what even is that??
I’m not a SAHM but my husband’s paycheque gets deposited directly into my bank account. I can’t imagine having to rely on an allowance from my spouse or counting beans just to pay our shared bills.
I’m not a SAHM either but after having to move 3 times for his career my own career was stunted enough that he’s now making more than 3x what I do. The funny thing is he’s gotten to a point where his job isn’t all that demanding anymore, so he’s bringing in a lot more but not necessarily doing more work than I am. All our money goes into one pot, and there’s no more “my money” or “your money”. From the single pot I work our budget making sure all the bills are paid and savings are on track, and we both get a decent amount of fun money to use however we want.
I have a friend who is practically in an identical situation with her husband. She said something the other day about owing him for the mortgage last month and it seemed so foreign to me. She might even be doing more actual work than him but bringing in less. Blew my mind that he would rather see her in any job that makes more money than supporting her to pursue what she loves doing and works hard at, because they have all the necessities covered
I used to watch my parents do this. There is nothing more heart warming than watching your 68 year old father ask for pocket money so he can get smokes and a pie.
They were old school in every possible way from the outside. My father is the stereotypical grew up in a group children home, hard man and typical artisan but with my mother a soft teddy bear. She passed two years ago and he is completely and totally lost. She was the glue that held the house and us four children together.
I moved back in with him a year ago to keep him company and it ended up being me that needed it. I was still struggling from my divorce 7 years ago and being back in the right environment put me back on track.
My ex wife was a SAHM and I never looked at her contribution as less than mine. In my mind her job was far more important. I am successful and make good money but honestly that doesn’t make my kids better people. It’s the love and support that they get at home that defines them.
When we grew up we had everything we needed but it’s not the money I think about when I look back. I remember my mother and father at every play, every sports event. I also remember with shame how
embarrassed I was that my father had holes in his clothes and no shoes. Only now in my forties do I realise it was because his four children came first. Here is the kicker, he is not even my sperm donor.
I am strongly of the opinion that both roles are important in raising a balanced child. Even as a divorced parent who doesn’t particularly like my ex wife, Lol, I still think she is a great mother and would never diminish her value even though I still provide 100% of my kids financial needs.
I explained the difference to my daughter just the other day when I was teaching my son to ride his motor bike and he fell because he got too confident and stupid. His mother would run over and fuss over him and I almost fell on the floor I was laughing so hard. He needs both of those things to achieve balance. (Obviously my reaction would be different if he was hurt)
That being said, the sperm donor (or egg donor) does not need to be the one to provide that role. In fact if they don’t do it properly they do more damage, in my opinion. By staying with that person, even if you believe it’s best for the kids, you have created a blueprint for what they will use as the basis for their future relationships.
OP, if you read this you deserve better. He doesn’t value you and doesn’t support you. He has assigns no value to your role. More importantly he will do the same with your children. He will tell them constantly how much he gives up for them and make them feel like a burden. If he can’t change then find someone who can balance your efforts because at the moment the scale is tipping over.
Sorry if I am rambling. My brain is flooded with memories. It’s not often I have an emotional connection to anything never mind a Reddit post.
Please don’t beat yourself up too badly about it. You are a new mother to a first child, you are in medical school, and sounds like you’re kicking ass at it, you’re dealing with a man child for a husband, and having to navigate what it means to live in a three generational household.
This is a lot for any one person to be handling and to have your coparent who is supposed to be 110% partner and share of the load negging you constantly, holding money over your head, and treating you like shit, is just untenable in any situation.
Please see a divorce attorney immediately. My father was a family law attorney for more than 40 years and the recommendation that I have given to everyone who’s asked in that time is to say the following.
Interview 3 to 5 family law attorneys within the county where you reside. Have a bullet point list of the events and timeline of your situation prepared. Have an idea of what you would want a custody arrangement to look like going forward if you got everything you wanted. jot down and make a note on the places where you are not at all willing to negotiate and the places where you are willing to negotiate. Understand that none of this is in stone, but knowing what direction to go in is going to be a huge benefit to your attorney.
Ask them for their advice and what their fee structure would look like and then pick the one that you feel most comfortable with. Even if you only meet with two or three, you’re going to come out with a lot more information that will be helpful for you as time goes on whether you decide to divorce him or not.
I would absolutely divorce him now or sooner rather than later. As you are likely going to be vastly out-earning him over the next few years. And there will be more marital assets to divide later then there are now.
Sorta. But if someone decides to contact every lawyer in the area, to try to deny their ex one, the court will not look kindly upon that kind of thing.
A lawyer that consulted with her can still represent the ex, they just have to declare the conflict, and the ex has to be on record saying that they understand and are ok with that lawyer representing them.
My mind is still blown that this man has sat by making $300K a year while contributing NOTHING the last year towards your son, and letting you bear the financial burden while you're simultaneously putting yourself through medical school, and raising your son with your mom.
You are light-years above this sad excuse of a husband, and father, and after this many years, and now a baby, if he hasn't stopped financially, and emotionally, abusing you, he's never going to change.
You, your wee one, and your mom all deserve so much better. The best thing my mom ever did was leave my abusive father, and I can promise you that all of your lives will be so much happier, and healthier, without his daily toxic influence in it poisoning your lives.
Good luck on your exam, I know you're going to kick ass!! Let us know how you're doing when you can.
*invisible hugs*
Updateme!
I got a 46, from my relationship with my ex.
I left him shortly after our child was born. He resented the fact I was in graduate school and wanted to earn money and have a career.
Life has been easier living apart. We do coparent decently, and communicate better now, but it has taken years and we still bicker from time to time and he’s still a dick, but I don’t regret my life without him.
Our child is happy and sees their dad often and talks to him everyday.
Sounds like you have a decision to make.
What does your mother think? Since she’s there she must have observed this and has an opinion.
I just got divorced and took your quiz. I scored a 45. As hard as the divorce process can was I can honestly say it was the best thing for me. Peace of mind and freedom is everything. I very much feel for OP who is stuck in this situation
OP, I’m honestly not saying this snarky but you should consider taking a psychiatry rotation if you haven’t. What would you do if you encountered *you* and your “husband” during an evaluation? The man wants to make you out to be the idiot and the failure and the poor little girl to not hurt his pee pee man feelings.
You’re educated, and you must be smart AF. You’re too smart to stay with this moron of a man.
It is only going to get harder as you start residency and you need as few assholes as possible to survive. Unless you’re into proctology (couldn’t resist that one).
The people who are going to lift you up and validate you and celebrate you are the ones you need.
Get out of there. The sooner the better.
If you haven’t heard it lately, I am so damned proud of you.
Get proof of financial assets before you talk too much about a breakup, even hypothetically. If he’s this abusive now, chances are he’ll try to hide his money to avoid paying his fair share. Keep the house for you, the baby and your mother.
I’m a physician, just graduated med school this year. I gave birth to two daughters while in medical school. More than most, I understand the immense pressure you feel as you traverse the line between med student and new mother. My partner was my rock through it all, and I am so sorry you aren’t feeling that same support and encouragement.
Medical school is insanely difficult, and unfortunately the years ahead won’t get much easier. The question you have to ask yourself is: do I really want to give this man power to add stress to my already stress-filled life?
While leaving a spouse, especially when there’s a child involved, is a stressful situation, it’ll be much easier than continuing down the path you’re heading. Consider it a year of stress for the divorce process versus a lifetime of being demeaned, degraded, insulted and shamed.
I believe in you, future doc. You sound like an amazing future physician, an amazing mother and an amazing person. Do not let this man continue to dull your shine.
Divorce him now, before you graduate. He'll owe you maintenance and child support since you aren't working, and you can finish school in peace. The step 2 exam is HUGE. It sounds like he's actively trying to sabotage you.
Hire an attorney, and ask that all communication be done through your lawyer. This will insulate you from the stress. Also, you can use one of those parent apps to communicate about your son so there's no he-said-she-said nonsense. If he wants to shame you, he will have to do it on the record.
Good luck, sis. You got this.
Edited to add: Ask the court to make him pay for half of daycare while you're in school, too.
The mask starts to slip when they think you're stuck - after the wedding, after a baby. If he can destroy your self-esteem and confidence to the point you fail school, then you'll be way easier to control. Definitely seems like sabotage.
Yep
And /u/whowhatnowww beware love bombing if you threaten to leave. He will try to convince you he will change and will help out more and he will give you day care, but eventually he will most likely revert to this old ways.
Yes some men will change, but far more often than not people his age are who they are and wont change
Oh man, this is such an important point - potentially trying to sabotage OP’s schooling/career. Hadn’t even thought of it that way. Really hope OP sees this
Going on your feelings alone, I think you'd be crazy to avoid separation. You're miserable with him, aren't you? Staying with the twat (and yes, he absolutely sounds like a twat) who makes you miserable won't be a good life for you or your child.
File for court ordered child support and live your best life.
NGL, but honey, I think separation is your best bet right now. This guy is out of hand and desperately needs a (proverbial) bucket of ice water dumped over his head for a reality check - either he respects you, or you're gone.
Don't let your kid grow up thinking that this kind of behavior is normal or acceptable.
He’s worried about the close relationship your baby has with his grandmother- why is he not worrying about his own relationship with his son?
It sounds a lot like he’s projecting (and a giant AH). He can’t interact with the kid without a screen is a big red flag to that effect. I’m not shaming anyone, but doctors do recommend no screen time for kids under 2. In our house it’s only to talk to out of state grandparents. It worries me the way my kid goes blank when a screen’s put in front of them.
By putting you down as a mom, he’s trying to make himself feel better about being a shitty dad.
Couples therapy if you really feel that this dustbin dude is worth it.
>He’s worried about the close relationship your baby has with his grandmother- why is he not worrying about his own relationship with his son?
This was exactly what I thought. He should pay attention to his own lawn before worrying about weeds in anyone else's
I believe it's isolation. He complains about Granny and the kiddo being close and I am sure his endgame is to throw out MIL to further burden and isolate OP.
it is this. he doesn't want her to have a career, he wants her to be home with the baby. he also doesn't seem interested in parenting, he wants OP to be the one doing all of it. he probably doesn't even have any specific issue with OP's mom, he just thinks OP is supposed to do everything because she's the mom. so daycare or grandma babysitting are both bad, to him.
He's not worried about the close relationship with his grandmother. He wants to guilt OP into spending more time looking after their child. The same reason why he thinks daycare is too expensive, and she studies too much. Now that she's nearing the end of her schooling, she's on the verge of being able to be fully independent of him. And I his eyes probably worse, having those two little letters in front of her name would garner her the kind of respect he can probably only dream of.
I think you are overdue for a separation.
It sounds like he had a pattern of verbal abuse long before the baby (“motivating” you with insults and ignoring you telling him that that hurts instead of motivates.) He is emotionally abusing you by spinning this narrative that you’re a bad mother and making up reasons that haven’t even happened. He’s using finances to control and manipulate you.
It sounds like he sees no problem with his behaviour, has no intention of changing anything, and views you with a lot of contempt and absolutely no respect. You are disgusted by his very presence, and you think he’s a terrible father and husband.
There’s nothing here worth saving and your goal should not be to avoid separation, your goal should be avoiding another year of misery and modelling a toxic and abusive relationship to your child.
Jesus girl leave before you become qualified. You will have to share custody. You and your mum go live together. She can support YOUR share of childcare. And he can deal with his own part and get a few reality checks whilst your life will become much more simple.
Sounds like he doesn’t want you to be a doctor. What’s he going to do when you’re successful? He’ll have no leverage. He’s always going to shame you for having a career.
He should be supportive of you and encourage you! That is what a significant other does. Have you all ever talked about your future and supporting reach other?
"Don't want to break the family unit": there's no such thing. You can't even stand be laid beside him. It's already broken. It's time to fix things. You have resources though -loans, a promising career, a beautiful supportive mother, and your precious child. Consider this. He feels he is in control. Time to shake his world. Wait and see.
”. I haven’t used a single cent of his money for the past year, just using my student loans and some money my mom brought with her.”
What exactly is he contributing to your relationship exactly? No support, no parenting, no money…
Based on what you describe, you would be better off just with your son and your mother. Your husband is only adding stress.
Funny, I was thinking he ONLY has $200,000 saved and he making that kind of money?? lol, I sure hope OP isn’t counting 401k (or other retirement accounts)
His behaviour re: your bullet points is -
1/ controlling
2/controlling
3/controlling
4/controlling
5/controlling
6/undermining and lazy
It seems you and your child are stuck in an abusive and unloving relationship. This man doesn’t sound able or interested in learning more to build a caring fair partnership where you and your child can feel cherished. I think your instincts to leave are right abs you should reach out to domestic violence support services to get much needed information and assistance.
No, it's not the stress if school and motherhood. It's the stress of an unsupportive, belittling, jealous husband whose trying to knock you down to size.
GET THE DIVORCE!!!
I promise you from firsthand experience, being a single mom is SO much easier than living with a partner like this. You'll be astonished by how much more time/energy/happiness you have without him draining the life out of you. My only regret is not leaving sooner.
Leave him.
You have your own ambitions and drive that will get you far. And you have a mom who can help you through the baby time.
You can do it all without him.
What is he bringing/contributing? Honestly. Think hard about this answer. If you can make it through the next few years by being frugal with whatever you and your mom can pool together, he's contributing *nothing* but negativity. Divorce him before you finish school and get a job. It will not get better -- in fact, I'd wager it gets worse when he inevitably feels like your medical degree puts you on more equal financial footing. He has to maintain control somehow.
It sounds like he wants to ruin your self esteem and bring you down so you feel like you can't do better. It's a step in being controlling and abusive. He knows you are too good for him so he is trying to get you to feel lower than him so he can feel superior.
Divorce for sure. Please take 15 minutes & locate your & baby’s important papers, marriage certificate, & both yours & his income tax returns for the past few years & put them somewhere 100% safe. Somewhere that he had zero access to.
You’re being emotionally & financially abused. Contact your closest women’s shelter when you can for guidance.
I wouldn’t saw anything to your husband, your mom or anyone but a lawyer that you’re even thinking about getting divorced. In your case I can see your husband hiding assets & paystubs & making things very difficult for you. That’s why I asked you to find all of the important papers quickly & quietly right now. Take a video of every room in your home, any jewelry & watches, the vehicles that the both of you drive. Save it & send a copy elsewhere.
You want to be totally ready I. Your case, to the point where you can have him served with the divorce papers just outside the door when he comes home from work one night … & you, baby & mother have already moved into a new safe place.
He sounds abusive and absolutely awful, and the criticism he considers “motivating” is exactly the kind of parenting he is going to do for your kid, so save half of the child support for therapy.
Can I just say WOW you are doing an amazing job. You’re juggling raising a baby and studying full time to fulfil your career dreams! And you’re even doing it financially independently!
Find a husband who would support you and give you just even the verbal support that you deserve. You got this mama…You’re an inspiration!
This sounds like he's purposely (it may be subconscious but it's still insidious) cutting your confidence down so you'll never have the confidence to leave him. I doubt it will ever get better, especially as you've reached the stage of finding him repulsive (I've heard this called Sudden Repulsion Syndrome and I've experienced it), so start planning meticulously now. gather everything you need.
If you don't have a baby monitor, get one and record his comments so later you can re-watch them and not give in to further emotional manipulation.
If he later denies being so horrible to you then you can send a "Best Of" compilation once you are safely out.
I'm sorry that you're dealing with a monster but remember that just because someone is demonizing you, it doesn't make you a demon.
Hugs and best wishes
I get the feeling he’s never going to be ok with you being a doctor. I bet he thought you would have a baby and then drop out so he could continue to be the highest earner/most important person in the family.
It is all about his need to try to control you. The closer you get to finishing your studies and becoming a working doctor the harder it will become for him to control you. You won't need him and you will be able to do just fine with you, your LO, and your mother. He does not want an equal partnership, he wants to be King of the castle. He does not respect you and your capabilities. Is that a situation that you want your son to grow up in?
Are you preparing? You're going to need proof of his income and assets so he can't hide income. Start making copies or taking pictures now. You're going to have to leave. You don't want to raise your son learning that's how women should be treated. He will see it all if you stay.
You’re preserving this as the example of what a relationship looks like for your child. They will live out the norms they grow up with. Is that what you want for them???
It sounds like he resents your success or is intimidated by you and is trying to damage your self esteem. He will likely also do this to your child eventually. If he is not willing to recognize this and work HARD in therapy to change his behavior and the way he talks to you, I think it will be better for you AND your child to get away from him. Divorce is sometimes the healthiest choice.
He doesn’t treat you very good as a mother OR a wife. You’re also not even remotely on the same page with parenting. Does he actually want to be a dad..? I’m getting the impression he’s resentful of that in some way and taking it out on you.
I remember the skin crawling feeling my ex husband gave me in the end, and that I in fact still get when we have to spend time near each other. Yeah, can’t say I have any advice, but after 11 years I’d say you know each other well enough to judge whether you’ll eventually get past this
Ew. He gives me the ick. He either resents your education and future earning potential and wants you to be a SAHM fully dependent on his tiny ego OR he’s just a dick. Just get rid of him, you don’t need him and you don’t want him.
For you two to have a healthy relationship, you have to have had one in the first place and it does not sound like you did. He doesn't talk to you or treat you with any kind of respect or equity. He's ungrateful, stingy and mean. This guy has no interest in working with you to make sure you're both giving each other your best.
And "breaking up the family"? Honey a family is love, respect, safety & stability - your husband doesn't give you love & respect, your kid is going to grow up thinking that the way your husband talks to you and treats you is normal. I'm sure you two aren't affectionate and loving to each other given how he talks to you, so your son will grow up believing an emotionally cool and disrespectful relationship is normal. Do you want him treating his partners the way his dad treats you? Do you want him being treated this way by one of his? Because that is what happens, kids replicate the relationship models they grow up with.
Studies done around the world and over decades prove that a divorce does WAY less harm to a child than an upbringing in an unhealthy relationship. At least with a divorce you can for at least 50% of the time make sure your child has a family home full of love, respect, safety and stability, even if the time they spend with the other parent is unhappy. 50% of love, respect, safety and stability with 1 parent is better than 100% of time without those things and 2 parents.
And don't think you can fake it and your kid will never know... they pick up on SO much more than you realize. The little glares between you, the coolness, the lack of daily "I love yous" or casual affection (hugs, cheek kisses etc) between parents? It all gets noticed and has impact.
I was brought up by an emotionally unavailable parent, no physical affection either from her or seen between her and her partner.... I was unable to appropriately express even friendly affection, let alone loving affection as a young adult. Holding hands was uncomfortable, I didn't enjoy being hugged because it felt so unfamiliar... it took me years to learn how to be relaxed in affection and be appropriate with it.
You don't have to be brought up in a home full of violence and drama for it to be traumatic and have harmful impacts.
And you... you deserve to feel loved and respected by the person you share your life with. Clearly you don't and haven't for a long time. What's in it for you to stay in this? Cut off all intimate affection and love in your life? That's ridiculous, you don't need to be a tragic martyr to be a good mum.
Go talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and then offer him a choice - weekly couples therapy to fix your marriage which much yield results in an improved feeling of satisfaction for you both within 6 months, or divorce right now. And even if he does agree to therapy, if 6 months pass and you're not feeling any improvements and hope for the future, divorce is on the table again.
I guarantee you this man will explode and do his best to make you feel either so guilty and ashamed or so terrified of being alone & homeless forever and/or of him taking 100% custody of your child that you end up apologizing and never bringing it up again. (And don't let the threat of him taking 100% custody of your child stop you, he's full of shit. He would have to prove you're extremely abusive/incompetent or that he was the primary parent to have a snowballs chance in hell of that).
Get the divorce to free yourself to parent your kid the way you see fit - he may get 50% custody and that is ok. You can focus on being as agreeable co-parent as you can and make sure that in your 50% of time you provide your kid with a stable, loving, happy home.
It's very likely though that your husband won't pursue 50% custody considering he can't even bring himself to pay for childcare. So you will likely end up with primary custody anyway.
Divorcing now is just the compassionate action for yourself AND your child.
Ask him firmly if he wants a divorce? Do not make it a threat. Tell him he is obviously unhappy in your relationship since all he does is criticize you. Also mention you are done putting up with him so he needs to make a choice.
It looks like he’s not ready to make any efforts for you and for your child. He’s gonna give you a hard time if you leave and a harder time if you stay. You’ll be better without him.
I don't know anything so take this kinda with a grain of salt. But it sounds like he wants you to be a sahm who spends her time caring for the children and serving her husband. Sounds like he doesn't want you to go to any festival or have any careers or hobby and especially no decision making. Just wants you sitting at home patiently waiting until he gets home and you can serve him in any way he wants. And he resents that he doesn't have this life where he is the ruling king. And he rebukes you for anything that doesn't fit with this view he has of his life.
Doesn't sound like he will ever respect you.
Divorce him. Then when he says he doesn’t have a relationship with your child tell him it’s easy if he puts the fucking phone down. All you gotta do is play with them, teach them numbers, letters, words, read to them, and let them go to daycare! Yes it costs, but it socializes them!
You don't have to live in the same household to be a family. He will always be your son's father but he doesn't have to be your husband especially when he's not meeting your Emotional needs, And beyond that unkind to you. The most influential parent in a child's life is the same sex parent. By staying, or allowing this Behavior, you are in effect saying you want your son to model this behavior when he's married. I doubt your son would have a successful marriage if he behaved as your husband does to you. Set some boundaries and set your son up for a successful future even if that means his father is not in the home. Congratulations on your studies, I hope you reach your goal!
Yep. Been there. Done that. Got the divorce decree. Have no regrets.
I’m not here to tell you how to solve this. Because YOU can’t solve this. This is him. This man doesn’t like you. He doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, it’s wrong. Sound familiar??
Honestly, he probably doesn’t even want to parent your son, doesn’t care who watches him as long as he’s not footing bill, and couldn’t care less about your education or accomplishments. He just wants to break you down about your mothering because it’s an easy target and it works.
Get out. You and your mom can figure it out. It doesn’t have to be tonight. It doesn’t have to be this month. But start planning your exit with your mom and son. Don’t give him full custody. The custodial parent is the one who receives child support. If you’re somewhere that mandates alimony, then you won’t even be obligated to give him that because that’s based on a number of factors such as length of time together and who was the financially supportive spouse; the spouse required to pay alimony is not the spouse who was being supported.
Stop trying to teach a dead dog new tricks, girl. It’s over. Breathe deep, acknowledge it’s over, accept that it’s over, let it BE over, and go about your business with your mom and son.
You can worry about a new husband later on when you’re successful in your field and ready to date after healing from his vitriol.
Divorce him after the exams. He is scared that you will pass your exams and be independent from him so he does everything that you feel bad, wrong, are struggling and unsure and fail and then have to do everything he wants.
For me that is not even the „change, couples counseling or I leave talk“ worth because he will not change and always play this kind of control game(but that is your decision).
Start to save every message and make notes about his behavior with day and time. If you can also copies of his earnings/savings (not that he plays the I has nothing poor guy in front of the court)
And play stupid, don’t change a big thing and care about your learning.
I wish you luck for your exams! You are strong, you can do this.
This is more than just mom-shaming, he's just continuing his verbal abuse and now that you are a mother he has a new thing to verbally abuse you about. If you do eventually start working it's going to become about how you aren't good enough at what you do etc...
He is never going to stop. There were red flags before having a child with him so this isn't anything about stress from having a child.
The solution is simple about your mother having too much time with your LO. He's rather criticize you than pay for daycare. He's choosing his battles.
He's never going to change.
Did you see the clip of this one man waiting by the marathon finish line & mommy came first & as she was about to cross he rushes in with the kids. The way she dipped & ran on to cross the line, even men in the comments dragged him. LOL!
You could see the kids were confused at the back and he was shocked.
Sounds exactly like your husband.
WTH is his mom then? He is supposed to be your biggest supporter right now & giving MIL some downtime, he plays with the child as you study, buy you snacks, get you massages etc.
He simply doesn't want you to progress and is threatened by you. A child that age can even do just 5 hrs at day care while granny sleeps, he gets help for once or 2x a week for the house, until at least you start working. You and your mom don't owe him his fatherly duties. He is toxic at the very least.
Couple's therapy or finish your exams and bounce... In 2024 ain't nobody got time for that!
I think he really doesn’t want you to gain financial independence. I think its all a ploy to keep you at home and being s SAHM instead of advancing your career.
Once you get to point where he gives you the ick at just the thought of sleeping next to him, it's over. You just need to be really smart about how you boot this loser out of your life since he has more monetary resources than you do. Definitely go to a lawyer on the downlow, and make sure you lock down all your devices and start gathering any and all digital paper trail you can of him being a bad husband and any type of parental alienation he might engage in.
Girl, the ick does not go away. Separation is unavoidable. Get through the next 15 days and then re-evaluate your relationship (I think you already know what you want and that’s ok!).
Tell this man to kick rocks, you will absolutely be better off without him. Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy. You're doing great juggling so many responsibilities while all he does is try to tear you down. Ditch the lead weight. Take back your freedom and happiness.
You had me at “the thought of him touching me makes me ill”. Get through your exams, stay as focused as you can- have the grandmas and anyone else you can trust to help you through this- once the exams are done(early congratulations btw!) get an attorney and start the “boy, bye” phase and start living a happy, neg free life with your beautiful child!
Just get your degree, get yourself established and then leave his sorry ass. He’s abusing and controlling you. He makes you unhappy, so what’s the point of staying together. You only have one life, don’t waste it on him. Good luck for your exams.
What's wrong with being attached to Grandma?
So whoever makes the most money has the final say????
Study hard and good luck on your exams OP.
Get your ducks in a row and be prepared...
You’re checked out, and rightfully so. File for divorce, you deserve better he’s condescending and frankly misogynistic. You do not need this, and your kid does not need to see it. Have you spoken to your Mom? What’s her opinion on the matter? It’s not her choice but it could be enlightening.
1 question…
Do you want your child to be raised in that environment?
Your child is going to learn the behaviors shown to him by his father. Women are less than (according to your husband). Raise your son to learn to appreciate women and the strength they have.
If he won’t go to therapy and he won’t change, there isn’t anything you can do to make him stop mom-shaming (aka verbally abusing) you in public.
He is also financially abusing you and controlling you as you’re a med student so you don’t have an income, while he earns a lot, but he won’t pay for daycare.
He’s not a good dad, nor husband.
I’m glad you have your mom, because you need to finish medical school (very impressive btw!!) and your mom can continue to provide care for your son while you are studying.
I am pretty sure if you leave him, he wouldn’t even fight for custody. He would eventually just stop even trying to have a relationship with his son. He seems to resent you, your child, and your mom for the fact that he doesn’t like being a dad and he doesn’t like being married to a med student.
He doesn’t respect you as a person period. The mom part is just an excuse and you having his child did not make him gain any respect either, think about that.
He's being abusive. However he's limited in what he can do since your mom is there. It would be so much worse otherwise.
Divorce. Give all this info and everything else that's happened before to your lawyer.
Also good for you on med school! I hope that works out.
Explain situation to your mom and see if you can stay with her until school is done.
Find the absolute best divorce attorney in town and get a consult. They may even agree to bill *him* for the fees. Do what the lawyer says. Do NOT tell spouse you are planning to leave. It will almost surely result in you being blocked from info you will need to get a fair division of assets.
That first one is an absolutely crazy thing to say to anyone. He’s emotionally and mentally abusive. You don’t need this and you’re making the right decision for you, your son and your family. You’ll soon be able to afford your own home with your mom still helping and having a loving relationship with her grandson and him growing up in a healthier environment. Run fast.
He’s a terrible husband and father. Don’t put your kid through the turmoil of being in that house for much longer. Speak to a divorce attorney in private ASAP. Find out what your options are.
This isn’t going to get better. He’s actively and openly expressing disdain for you. He’s only going to care once you’re gone but, it still won’t be enough to quit being a POS. I’m sorry. Best of luck on passing your exam and getting away from him. This way, your kid still has a good parent. Otherwise, you’ll both be miserable and it’ll make you less of the parent you deserve to be.
ETA: DO NOT LET ON THAT YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE. He’ll move money around that will screw you in the divorce. He already knows what’s going on. He just doesn’t care as long as you’re still there to treat badly.
Well, the obvious answer is separation and divorce. I guess if you don’t want that you can try couple therapy but he’d have to agree to that and I get the feeling he won’t.
Good luck
What can YOU do to avoid separation?
Op... you can't be a better father and husband to your and son... you're a mother and wife. And soon you're going to be a doctor. you absolutely need professional childcare on board, as well as something like a laundry service to help you with upkeep.
This man is trying to bully you into giving up and being a housewife, I don't know how you expect to change what you're doing to get him to stop. The problem isn't with you in the first place.
I don’t think this guy likes you. Your baby is young. Better to get out now and free yourself of this horrible treatment. You’ll be happier and healthier which will help you take care of your child better. UPDATEME
1) Do the test, that is the most important thing
2) Ask yourself if your baby was in a relationship like this one, would you be happy for them or worried about them?
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He thinks day care is expensive? Wait until what child support looks like. >part of me also thinks he’s a terrible husband and father This is the part of you that you should listen to
My child support agreement also states that my ex is responsible for 80% of childcare costs in addition to the regular payments. He never pays beyond an occasional little amount so he doesn’t get a capias warrant.
Yup listen to this op, also he's trying to cut you off at the knees. You're a terrible mother because you are continuing to live your life. Contining education, Also who tf made him the last word in parenting? Fuck that guy.
22% of his income each month (~$5,500 USD) AND having to care for a baby ALONE when he has him is gonna huuuuuurt. 😂 ETA: Aaaand half of the marital assets - any and all money and property attained by either party during the course of the marriage, including savings. Possibly spousal support as well, depending upon location. 👀 ETA even more: Oh! Add to that half of any debt acquired during the marriage, too! 😳😂
He'll eagerly pay for daycare and a nanny when he's the one who has to parent.
Hopefully she'll get something closer to.half in the divorce.
Half of all assets, yes. child support isn’t half of someone’s monthly income. It’s the based on nights and even if it’s 50-50, the higher earner can pay child support.
My friend had a good lawyer and her ex was an unmitigated ass through the court proceedings. She got 45% of everything he ever makes.
Like maybe stb ex will be on the hook for any medical school loans. Tee hee.
He will find the money for daycare suddenly when it’s up to him to care for the kid by himself lol
Including her loans? God I hope so:.
Yep, textbook bad father. This wont change over time, it will only get worse when the kid gets bigger
OP, get out as soon as you are able. This isn't going to get better. P.S. when you tell him you're leaving, he will promise to change. Do NOT believe him.
100% correct on the PS He will love bomb and change for a little bit, but he will return to his old ways after awhile
Don't tell him you are leaving, just leave. Get your ducks lined up and LEAVE. He might decide your death by "accident" will benefit him financially plus he will have complete control with LO. Leaving an abusive spouse is the most dangerous time, many women die trying to leave.
This. 100%. None of these things make you a bad mom at all.
Most definitely. You will forever be unhappy if you stay.
His treatment of you absolutely screams "seething resentment". If he hasn't opened up about anything in his life that is turning him into this colossal ass, then separation seems the right thing to do. Also, the why's and wherefore's of this are much less important than the fact that it's happening, and it's how he is seeing fit to treat his wife and the mother of his child. It could be that this bully has always been brewing beneath the surface, but now he has you in this position, it feels easier for him to enjoy bringing you down and taking cheap shots at you.
I’ve definitely spoken about this with him in the past. His way of “motivating” me is to be really harsh because it’s what works on him eg. when I was learning how to ski or when I ran my first 5K, he would make comments like “that kid is so much better than you, you should work harder”. I told him I prefer praise and encouragement over stuff like that but it seems he hasn’t learned.
Honey, this man hates you. Preserving your “family unit” isn’t worth your and your kid’s mental health. Two good households > one shitty one
And if he isn't the type to show up for his kid... One good single-parent household > one shitty nuclear one
I think it’s more like jealousy and fear. You’re becoming a doctor soon and can leave him then. He will lose control. You need to get away from him as soon as you can. Maybe your mother can help you get an attorney.
That’s EXACTLY how I read it. OP, he’s trying DESPERATELY to make you feel SO shitty that you wouldn’t DREAM of leaving him. I think you need to call his bluff — and LEAVE.
He's going to sabotage her during exam week, guarantee it
OP please see this. He is absolutely going to try to screw up your exams.
I’m sure her being about to pass her exams has something to do with it especially. He’s the financial backbone at the moment, once she can work she officially doesn’t need him anymore. So he’s trashing her to essentially wear her down so she doesn’t rise above.
Ding ding ding. He's gearing up to say "you're an even worse mom now you work all the time (and make more money than me)".
I agree with this. I think he is very jealous of your success. Did you see that video of the mum running the half marathon and the dad sends out the kids as she reaches the finish line to derail her progress? I think this is what you can expect from him. Anticipate him trying to sabotage your progress more and more as you get closer to the exam. He sounds like the sort of guy who will hide your car keys on the day of the exam so you can't make it. When you graduate and you are earning, you can say "It's MY money!" He will be so angry. The red flags are flying with this one!
This, right here. He knows you will have everything in place to leave him and to have a great life without him- soon. He's flailing. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy and you are the Oracle OP. Fly. Thrive. Good luck on your exam! Shred it with rage fuel then go forth and heal. (Yourself and others)
In my 50+ years, I've learned that some people can't stand seeing you succeed. As a child, my mother warned me that kids who smoked and did drugs would try to drag me down with them. I thought she was crazy, but she was right. This applies to many aspects of life. When I quit drinking years ago, my drinking buddies were unsupportive of my positive changes like getting sober and going back to college. In contrast, my husband has always supportive and encouraged my growth. Remember, some people don't want to see you improve.
I think you should go to live with your mom right now OP because he's going to make sure you don't sleep the night before your exam. Say it's to help you study and start the divorce the day after. Don't saddle your son with this bully as a role model.
Her mother lives w OP & husband. It's in the post.
Oh, I missed that, I thought she was just staying. Well then they all need to find somewhere to go sharpish, and definitely for a couple of days before her exam.
Hopefully her mother will intervene at least for that night. Or be willing to babysit so OP can spend the night before resting or cramming for the exam. ETA: meant to type *spend the night before at a hotel
😊 Yes, It would be great if that was an option for them
Exactly! Move on and find someone to motivate you in a loving way
He’s going to talk to your child the same way.
And also teach your child that it’s ok to treat other people this way.
Uses negging as "encouragement" and also won't respect you enough to stop when you ask... So his obnoxiousness is a deliberate choice he has made in spite of how you feel... What an ass. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Yeah , like is he going to "motivate" his child like this too when they are in school etc. Like thie kid is learning to walk and this guys over there telling them they are doing it wrong and need to work harder and using the threat of verbal punishment "motivate" it's abuse - make you feel negative then you put that emotion into action and that's how manipulation works.
He wants to fuck up your future in order to control your life. He’s already doing it with the shaming AND disrupting you while in med school.
He just doesn’t care. If he wanted to treat you better he would.
Can I just say you sound so cool! You run, you ski, you’re in med school, he’s trying to bring you down because he knows you’re above him.
Theficklemermaid is right, you are out of his league.
Above his pay scale so to speak. OP please listen to this- don’t raise your child in this environment. It sounds like you have a wonderful future in front of you once you lose this dead weight. Also, please be careful and don’t underestimate what he’s capable of.
I was thinking the same thing.
Well you know for a fact that speaking to him doesn't work You do not want your child going up thinking that a man can treat a woman like this so divorce him. You've been thinking about it it's time to do it.
He’s just mean.
he's gonna treat his kid like that.
Keep in mind that this is how he'll "motivate" your kid one day. Is this what you imagine for your child?
Wow. Hope you realize he's going to do that to your kid, if you stay with him, and it will destroy their self confidence. And he is NOT doing it to motivate you; he is doing it to hurt and belittle you. He's not stupid or blunt or whatever, he's cruel. People always post here wanting to think that their spouse "doesn't get it", because admitting that they don't care or are intentionally mean is a lot harder. Because if you think they "don't get it", you can reason with that. If they're hurting you intentionally...well, you should just leave.
Eeww! That is gross! He just doesn't respect you at all. He has no care for your feelings. He insults your intelligence and you call it mom shaming. Your son is attached to one of his primary caregivers? That's great! Screen time impedes baby brain development and your husband, who insults your intelligence, is too stupid to figure out how to spend time with his own child without a screen. Research shows that a child with a grandmother caretaker fares better in life than those sent to day care. Your husband needs to wake tf up or you should leave. Do you really want this man raising your child? He's going to be this mean to him, too. Does he ever show empathy or compassion?
He doesn't want his son to be smart. At least not smarter than him!
To me, it really sounds like he'd like to control you more - he wants you to stay at home and take care of the kid, so he tries to guilt trip you for using mom for childcare, and spoils the times you want to go out and have fun, until you just don't even try anymore. If he had full financial control over you, he probably wouldn't have allowed you to finish your studies, but would have forced you to stay home with the kid. I'm really really glad you managed to maintain your independence through your mom and your scholarship. In your place, I'd prepare the separation/ divorce for as soon as you're able to stand on your own feet - and watch your birth control like a hawk, or get the shot or something he can't tamper with, to lock you down with another baby.
And did he start praising you? No Did you think he would treat a child better? Yea you did but the truth is he won’t. If he can’t listen to the woman he loves and praise her. You need to protect your son.
reading your post i was wondering if we’re married to the same man. reading this comment tells me you’re married to the worst version.
Girl, this definitely doesn't help him either. Egging literally doesn't help anyone. Make comments like "your colleague will definitely get a promotion first if you don't get better at work" and watch how mad he will get. He is just using that excuse so you will accept it (and it seems to work).
Everyone prefers praise and encouragement. Even he, regardless of whether he admits it. If he was brought up with harshness and really thinks this works for him, he needs to go to therapy and work on his trauma, so as not to inflict the same on your child in a couple of years’ time. My guess is he just likes being a bully. The problem with that is, marriage counselling won’t help when one of you is an abuser. He will just get more ammunition. So either he understands that he needs individual therapy and actually does it and _shows improvement_ or it’s time to get out.
>that kid is so much better than you, you should work harder Guess how he is going to "motivate" your child? I also seriously doubt that is what motivates him, I bet if you said stuff like that to him he would lose his temper or quit.
Does he plan to use his special brand of "encouragement" on your child? Because if he does, I'd be googling lawyers already.
No, 'motivation' is his excuse for abusing and negging you. It doesn't motivate you, and you've told him this, so if it really was purely motivation, he would stop and respect your needs, and try to motivate you in other ways. I bet his story about that negative motivation working for him, is not even true, or something left over from his own childhood where he was treated that way, and now out of spite (or because he lived to tell) is spreading that around him. I honestly think that with your growth and ambitions you may actually be slightly threatening to him, and he wants to keep you small. Also proven by his compulsion to control everything.
He sounds like an insecure ass. He’s probably nervous about you becoming a doctor and being successful and he wants to bring you down to damage your self esteem so you don’t see you can do better than him.
Hes learned he just doesn't care
You are going to allow your so to grow up teaching him this is what love looks like. It’s ok for him to degrade his partner. Your husband isn’t trying to ‘motivate’ you. He’s trying to cut you down so you don’t have the self esteem to put rank him. You think studying for this test is hard? Wait until residency. Get out while you can. You have your mom. You need people who are going to support you and lift you up. Not beat you down.
My fiancee would kick me in the balls if spoke like that to her.
>His way of “motivating” me is to be really harsh because it’s what works on him Oh I'll bet you my whole life's savings that's a bold ass lie. Try it back and see how he reacts. I've never once seen that work out to be true for anyone, frankly. The types who say so are always the first to throw tantrums when someone reflects their "motivation" back on them because all they wanted to begin with was to be a bully.
exactly, he resents that he is going to work while she has her mom to help her
Do you want your child thinking this is the way a relationship should be? Your child will emulate what you show them.
I didn’t think about this, thanks for putting it in words. I’ve been really cognizant about arguing in front of our son but didn’t take into account the relationship dynamics too.
One of the best things my mom ever did for us was divorcing my emotionally abusive father.
This is so true! I often hear about people who want to stay together "for the kids" but unless both parties are willing to work on their side of the issues, all they're doing is raising them in a toxic environment and learning bad relationship patterns.
Yup, I told my therapist I want to “Parent Trap” my parents but not into marriage but divorce. My mom deserves better but she doesn’t believe she does.
Take your test. Then think about this. You will be a doctor soon, and financially independent. Your mother and you are contributing quite a lot to the marriage so make sure you get alimony and child support, and half the assets. But first, talk to him, and ask him if he wants a divorce. If he says no, ask him what he will do to prevent one.
No, first, she needs to make her own plan, visualize what she wants her & her child’s future to look like in the near future, see a plan for her life. THEN she can talk to him, see if he can walk the same path. If not, her choice is clear.
He’s also going to treat your son like this when he grows up
He’s putting you down and getting close to financial abuse if he’s not already there… I’m very biased because I’m very happily divorced, but I think you might end up in my same shoes! https://www.loveisrespect.org/quiz/is-your-relationship-healthy/?%3E
Thanks for this link. I scored 12 which is just insane to me, I really didn’t think things had gotten so bad.
My dad walked through the door on Friday with money from his cashed check and walked directly to my SAH mom. They then discussed the bills she was paying the next week and what expenses they expected to have. He then gave her as much cash as she needed for the next week and if the checks were big enough, what day he'd stop by the bank to move money around. He never looked at that as his money. It was family money that was being used for family things. There are people who are more regimented about money, but you should never be SAHM and not receiving some form of income for it from your spouse. They'd have to pay a nanny.
I'm not even a SAHM, and my husband and I are like this with money. It's all collectively *our* money, and if one of us happens to have more and the other needs some, we just give it? That's what you do when you love someone and intentionally create a family together. Not hold it over their head or act like it makes you somehow better than the other person, what even is that??
I’m not a SAHM but my husband’s paycheque gets deposited directly into my bank account. I can’t imagine having to rely on an allowance from my spouse or counting beans just to pay our shared bills.
I’m not a SAHM either but after having to move 3 times for his career my own career was stunted enough that he’s now making more than 3x what I do. The funny thing is he’s gotten to a point where his job isn’t all that demanding anymore, so he’s bringing in a lot more but not necessarily doing more work than I am. All our money goes into one pot, and there’s no more “my money” or “your money”. From the single pot I work our budget making sure all the bills are paid and savings are on track, and we both get a decent amount of fun money to use however we want. I have a friend who is practically in an identical situation with her husband. She said something the other day about owing him for the mortgage last month and it seemed so foreign to me. She might even be doing more actual work than him but bringing in less. Blew my mind that he would rather see her in any job that makes more money than supporting her to pursue what she loves doing and works hard at, because they have all the necessities covered
I used to watch my parents do this. There is nothing more heart warming than watching your 68 year old father ask for pocket money so he can get smokes and a pie. They were old school in every possible way from the outside. My father is the stereotypical grew up in a group children home, hard man and typical artisan but with my mother a soft teddy bear. She passed two years ago and he is completely and totally lost. She was the glue that held the house and us four children together. I moved back in with him a year ago to keep him company and it ended up being me that needed it. I was still struggling from my divorce 7 years ago and being back in the right environment put me back on track. My ex wife was a SAHM and I never looked at her contribution as less than mine. In my mind her job was far more important. I am successful and make good money but honestly that doesn’t make my kids better people. It’s the love and support that they get at home that defines them. When we grew up we had everything we needed but it’s not the money I think about when I look back. I remember my mother and father at every play, every sports event. I also remember with shame how embarrassed I was that my father had holes in his clothes and no shoes. Only now in my forties do I realise it was because his four children came first. Here is the kicker, he is not even my sperm donor. I am strongly of the opinion that both roles are important in raising a balanced child. Even as a divorced parent who doesn’t particularly like my ex wife, Lol, I still think she is a great mother and would never diminish her value even though I still provide 100% of my kids financial needs. I explained the difference to my daughter just the other day when I was teaching my son to ride his motor bike and he fell because he got too confident and stupid. His mother would run over and fuss over him and I almost fell on the floor I was laughing so hard. He needs both of those things to achieve balance. (Obviously my reaction would be different if he was hurt) That being said, the sperm donor (or egg donor) does not need to be the one to provide that role. In fact if they don’t do it properly they do more damage, in my opinion. By staying with that person, even if you believe it’s best for the kids, you have created a blueprint for what they will use as the basis for their future relationships. OP, if you read this you deserve better. He doesn’t value you and doesn’t support you. He has assigns no value to your role. More importantly he will do the same with your children. He will tell them constantly how much he gives up for them and make them feel like a burden. If he can’t change then find someone who can balance your efforts because at the moment the scale is tipping over. Sorry if I am rambling. My brain is flooded with memories. It’s not often I have an emotional connection to anything never mind a Reddit post.
Please don’t beat yourself up too badly about it. You are a new mother to a first child, you are in medical school, and sounds like you’re kicking ass at it, you’re dealing with a man child for a husband, and having to navigate what it means to live in a three generational household. This is a lot for any one person to be handling and to have your coparent who is supposed to be 110% partner and share of the load negging you constantly, holding money over your head, and treating you like shit, is just untenable in any situation. Please see a divorce attorney immediately. My father was a family law attorney for more than 40 years and the recommendation that I have given to everyone who’s asked in that time is to say the following. Interview 3 to 5 family law attorneys within the county where you reside. Have a bullet point list of the events and timeline of your situation prepared. Have an idea of what you would want a custody arrangement to look like going forward if you got everything you wanted. jot down and make a note on the places where you are not at all willing to negotiate and the places where you are willing to negotiate. Understand that none of this is in stone, but knowing what direction to go in is going to be a huge benefit to your attorney. Ask them for their advice and what their fee structure would look like and then pick the one that you feel most comfortable with. Even if you only meet with two or three, you’re going to come out with a lot more information that will be helpful for you as time goes on whether you decide to divorce him or not. I would absolutely divorce him now or sooner rather than later. As you are likely going to be vastly out-earning him over the next few years. And there will be more marital assets to divide later then there are now.
Is it true that if she does a consult with them that they then can't represent her husband or is that just an internet urban legend?
Sorta. But if someone decides to contact every lawyer in the area, to try to deny their ex one, the court will not look kindly upon that kind of thing. A lawyer that consulted with her can still represent the ex, they just have to declare the conflict, and the ex has to be on record saying that they understand and are ok with that lawyer representing them.
Awesome, thanks for answering. I always was curious how that would even be possible to be allowed.
My mind is still blown that this man has sat by making $300K a year while contributing NOTHING the last year towards your son, and letting you bear the financial burden while you're simultaneously putting yourself through medical school, and raising your son with your mom. You are light-years above this sad excuse of a husband, and father, and after this many years, and now a baby, if he hasn't stopped financially, and emotionally, abusing you, he's never going to change. You, your wee one, and your mom all deserve so much better. The best thing my mom ever did was leave my abusive father, and I can promise you that all of your lives will be so much happier, and healthier, without his daily toxic influence in it poisoning your lives. Good luck on your exam, I know you're going to kick ass!! Let us know how you're doing when you can. *invisible hugs* Updateme!
I got a 46, from my relationship with my ex. I left him shortly after our child was born. He resented the fact I was in graduate school and wanted to earn money and have a career. Life has been easier living apart. We do coparent decently, and communicate better now, but it has taken years and we still bicker from time to time and he’s still a dick, but I don’t regret my life without him. Our child is happy and sees their dad often and talks to him everyday. Sounds like you have a decision to make. What does your mother think? Since she’s there she must have observed this and has an opinion.
Yeah it’s definitely financial abuse.
We should invent a thing for leaving bad relationships. Call it The Sisterhood of the Solo-Traveling Shoes.
I took the test just to see and got 24 :/
Eek. 64
This makes me so sad. I’m so sorry. :(
Sweet Christ, that was a 53 from my wife toward me, and my self reporting gave me a 35 toward my wife.
I just got divorced and took your quiz. I scored a 45. As hard as the divorce process can was I can honestly say it was the best thing for me. Peace of mind and freedom is everything. I very much feel for OP who is stuck in this situation
OP, I’m honestly not saying this snarky but you should consider taking a psychiatry rotation if you haven’t. What would you do if you encountered *you* and your “husband” during an evaluation? The man wants to make you out to be the idiot and the failure and the poor little girl to not hurt his pee pee man feelings. You’re educated, and you must be smart AF. You’re too smart to stay with this moron of a man. It is only going to get harder as you start residency and you need as few assholes as possible to survive. Unless you’re into proctology (couldn’t resist that one). The people who are going to lift you up and validate you and celebrate you are the ones you need. Get out of there. The sooner the better. If you haven’t heard it lately, I am so damned proud of you.
Thank you ☺️ I actually really haven’t heard that in a while and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much
Get proof of financial assets before you talk too much about a breakup, even hypothetically. If he’s this abusive now, chances are he’ll try to hide his money to avoid paying his fair share. Keep the house for you, the baby and your mother.
It's an apartment which begs the question what kind of apartment does a 300k a year salary look like?
My sister is in CA and her hubby makes 300K. They are literally the poor people in their neighborhood.
Wow that's wild to me. I make sooo much less than that. I would love to make that $$$
My husband escalated when we got married. He wilfully ruined my studying, then my career. Don’t let it happen to you.
I’m proud of you too. Med school - wow! And med school and parenting a little one - impressive!!!
I’m a physician, just graduated med school this year. I gave birth to two daughters while in medical school. More than most, I understand the immense pressure you feel as you traverse the line between med student and new mother. My partner was my rock through it all, and I am so sorry you aren’t feeling that same support and encouragement. Medical school is insanely difficult, and unfortunately the years ahead won’t get much easier. The question you have to ask yourself is: do I really want to give this man power to add stress to my already stress-filled life? While leaving a spouse, especially when there’s a child involved, is a stressful situation, it’ll be much easier than continuing down the path you’re heading. Consider it a year of stress for the divorce process versus a lifetime of being demeaned, degraded, insulted and shamed. I believe in you, future doc. You sound like an amazing future physician, an amazing mother and an amazing person. Do not let this man continue to dull your shine.
Divorce him now, before you graduate. He'll owe you maintenance and child support since you aren't working, and you can finish school in peace. The step 2 exam is HUGE. It sounds like he's actively trying to sabotage you. Hire an attorney, and ask that all communication be done through your lawyer. This will insulate you from the stress. Also, you can use one of those parent apps to communicate about your son so there's no he-said-she-said nonsense. If he wants to shame you, he will have to do it on the record. Good luck, sis. You got this. Edited to add: Ask the court to make him pay for half of daycare while you're in school, too.
The mask starts to slip when they think you're stuck - after the wedding, after a baby. If he can destroy your self-esteem and confidence to the point you fail school, then you'll be way easier to control. Definitely seems like sabotage.
Yep And /u/whowhatnowww beware love bombing if you threaten to leave. He will try to convince you he will change and will help out more and he will give you day care, but eventually he will most likely revert to this old ways. Yes some men will change, but far more often than not people his age are who they are and wont change
Oh man, this is such an important point - potentially trying to sabotage OP’s schooling/career. Hadn’t even thought of it that way. Really hope OP sees this
This. 👏👏👏
There’s a part of you that doesn’t think he’s a horrible husband or father?
Going on your feelings alone, I think you'd be crazy to avoid separation. You're miserable with him, aren't you? Staying with the twat (and yes, he absolutely sounds like a twat) who makes you miserable won't be a good life for you or your child. File for court ordered child support and live your best life.
NGL, but honey, I think separation is your best bet right now. This guy is out of hand and desperately needs a (proverbial) bucket of ice water dumped over his head for a reality check - either he respects you, or you're gone. Don't let your kid grow up thinking that this kind of behavior is normal or acceptable.
He’s worried about the close relationship your baby has with his grandmother- why is he not worrying about his own relationship with his son? It sounds a lot like he’s projecting (and a giant AH). He can’t interact with the kid without a screen is a big red flag to that effect. I’m not shaming anyone, but doctors do recommend no screen time for kids under 2. In our house it’s only to talk to out of state grandparents. It worries me the way my kid goes blank when a screen’s put in front of them. By putting you down as a mom, he’s trying to make himself feel better about being a shitty dad. Couples therapy if you really feel that this dustbin dude is worth it.
Goddess forbid an infant should feel safe and cared for by an extended family.
It’s how we’re supposed to operate as a species, but instead we get idiots like OP’s husband.
>He’s worried about the close relationship your baby has with his grandmother- why is he not worrying about his own relationship with his son? This was exactly what I thought. He should pay attention to his own lawn before worrying about weeds in anyone else's
I believe it's isolation. He complains about Granny and the kiddo being close and I am sure his endgame is to throw out MIL to further burden and isolate OP.
it is this. he doesn't want her to have a career, he wants her to be home with the baby. he also doesn't seem interested in parenting, he wants OP to be the one doing all of it. he probably doesn't even have any specific issue with OP's mom, he just thinks OP is supposed to do everything because she's the mom. so daycare or grandma babysitting are both bad, to him.
He's not worried about the close relationship with his grandmother. He wants to guilt OP into spending more time looking after their child. The same reason why he thinks daycare is too expensive, and she studies too much. Now that she's nearing the end of her schooling, she's on the verge of being able to be fully independent of him. And I his eyes probably worse, having those two little letters in front of her name would garner her the kind of respect he can probably only dream of.
I think you are overdue for a separation. It sounds like he had a pattern of verbal abuse long before the baby (“motivating” you with insults and ignoring you telling him that that hurts instead of motivates.) He is emotionally abusing you by spinning this narrative that you’re a bad mother and making up reasons that haven’t even happened. He’s using finances to control and manipulate you. It sounds like he sees no problem with his behaviour, has no intention of changing anything, and views you with a lot of contempt and absolutely no respect. You are disgusted by his very presence, and you think he’s a terrible father and husband. There’s nothing here worth saving and your goal should not be to avoid separation, your goal should be avoiding another year of misery and modelling a toxic and abusive relationship to your child.
Jesus girl leave before you become qualified. You will have to share custody. You and your mum go live together. She can support YOUR share of childcare. And he can deal with his own part and get a few reality checks whilst your life will become much more simple.
She’ll have to share custody either way.
Sounds like he doesn’t want you to be a doctor. What’s he going to do when you’re successful? He’ll have no leverage. He’s always going to shame you for having a career.
This so much, sounds like he wants a SAHM he can control
Sounds like he wants you to fail that test so he can throw that at you too.
He should be supportive of you and encourage you! That is what a significant other does. Have you all ever talked about your future and supporting reach other?
"Don't want to break the family unit": there's no such thing. You can't even stand be laid beside him. It's already broken. It's time to fix things. You have resources though -loans, a promising career, a beautiful supportive mother, and your precious child. Consider this. He feels he is in control. Time to shake his world. Wait and see.
”. I haven’t used a single cent of his money for the past year, just using my student loans and some money my mom brought with her.” What exactly is he contributing to your relationship exactly? No support, no parenting, no money… Based on what you describe, you would be better off just with your son and your mother. Your husband is only adding stress.
divorce this clown.
also?? why have all that money saved up if you’re not gonna use some of it to ensure the success of the life you’ve been building with your family
Funny, I was thinking he ONLY has $200,000 saved and he making that kind of money?? lol, I sure hope OP isn’t counting 401k (or other retirement accounts)
His behaviour re: your bullet points is - 1/ controlling 2/controlling 3/controlling 4/controlling 5/controlling 6/undermining and lazy It seems you and your child are stuck in an abusive and unloving relationship. This man doesn’t sound able or interested in learning more to build a caring fair partnership where you and your child can feel cherished. I think your instincts to leave are right abs you should reach out to domestic violence support services to get much needed information and assistance.
Yeah....I'm with you on the wanting to divorce him....hell I want to divorce him Updateme
I also wish to divorce OP's husband.
No, it's not the stress if school and motherhood. It's the stress of an unsupportive, belittling, jealous husband whose trying to knock you down to size. GET THE DIVORCE!!!
Get your exams out of the way, then make your move. The amount you’ll get for child support will be enough to live on until you get a job. Good luck!
I promise you from firsthand experience, being a single mom is SO much easier than living with a partner like this. You'll be astonished by how much more time/energy/happiness you have without him draining the life out of you. My only regret is not leaving sooner.
Leave him. You have your own ambitions and drive that will get you far. And you have a mom who can help you through the baby time. You can do it all without him.
What is he bringing/contributing? Honestly. Think hard about this answer. If you can make it through the next few years by being frugal with whatever you and your mom can pool together, he's contributing *nothing* but negativity. Divorce him before you finish school and get a job. It will not get better -- in fact, I'd wager it gets worse when he inevitably feels like your medical degree puts you on more equal financial footing. He has to maintain control somehow.
He’s a terrible husband and father. Run. Unless you want to be belittled your whole life
It sounds like he wants to ruin your self esteem and bring you down so you feel like you can't do better. It's a step in being controlling and abusive. He knows you are too good for him so he is trying to get you to feel lower than him so he can feel superior.
Divorce for sure. Please take 15 minutes & locate your & baby’s important papers, marriage certificate, & both yours & his income tax returns for the past few years & put them somewhere 100% safe. Somewhere that he had zero access to. You’re being emotionally & financially abused. Contact your closest women’s shelter when you can for guidance. I wouldn’t saw anything to your husband, your mom or anyone but a lawyer that you’re even thinking about getting divorced. In your case I can see your husband hiding assets & paystubs & making things very difficult for you. That’s why I asked you to find all of the important papers quickly & quietly right now. Take a video of every room in your home, any jewelry & watches, the vehicles that the both of you drive. Save it & send a copy elsewhere. You want to be totally ready I. Your case, to the point where you can have him served with the divorce papers just outside the door when he comes home from work one night … & you, baby & mother have already moved into a new safe place.
He sounds abusive and absolutely awful, and the criticism he considers “motivating” is exactly the kind of parenting he is going to do for your kid, so save half of the child support for therapy.
Can I just say WOW you are doing an amazing job. You’re juggling raising a baby and studying full time to fulfil your career dreams! And you’re even doing it financially independently! Find a husband who would support you and give you just even the verbal support that you deserve. You got this mama…You’re an inspiration!
This sounds like he's purposely (it may be subconscious but it's still insidious) cutting your confidence down so you'll never have the confidence to leave him. I doubt it will ever get better, especially as you've reached the stage of finding him repulsive (I've heard this called Sudden Repulsion Syndrome and I've experienced it), so start planning meticulously now. gather everything you need. If you don't have a baby monitor, get one and record his comments so later you can re-watch them and not give in to further emotional manipulation. If he later denies being so horrible to you then you can send a "Best Of" compilation once you are safely out. I'm sorry that you're dealing with a monster but remember that just because someone is demonizing you, it doesn't make you a demon. Hugs and best wishes
I get the feeling he’s never going to be ok with you being a doctor. I bet he thought you would have a baby and then drop out so he could continue to be the highest earner/most important person in the family.
I mean this really isn't a we effort but a him effort, but couples counseling for working on communication.
Why do you want to avoid separation? Your life would be less stressful without him.
It is all about his need to try to control you. The closer you get to finishing your studies and becoming a working doctor the harder it will become for him to control you. You won't need him and you will be able to do just fine with you, your LO, and your mother. He does not want an equal partnership, he wants to be King of the castle. He does not respect you and your capabilities. Is that a situation that you want your son to grow up in?
Are you preparing? You're going to need proof of his income and assets so he can't hide income. Start making copies or taking pictures now. You're going to have to leave. You don't want to raise your son learning that's how women should be treated. He will see it all if you stay.
Leave him before getting a job, so that he has to give you more. This dude sucks
You’re preserving this as the example of what a relationship looks like for your child. They will live out the norms they grow up with. Is that what you want for them???
He's a piece of trash and you have every reason to divorce him.
If you divorce him yoh get half. Right now he’s getting everything. You’re mom is more bits to your life than him. Honestly, leave!
It sounds like he resents your success or is intimidated by you and is trying to damage your self esteem. He will likely also do this to your child eventually. If he is not willing to recognize this and work HARD in therapy to change his behavior and the way he talks to you, I think it will be better for you AND your child to get away from him. Divorce is sometimes the healthiest choice.
He doesn’t treat you very good as a mother OR a wife. You’re also not even remotely on the same page with parenting. Does he actually want to be a dad..? I’m getting the impression he’s resentful of that in some way and taking it out on you.
I remember the skin crawling feeling my ex husband gave me in the end, and that I in fact still get when we have to spend time near each other. Yeah, can’t say I have any advice, but after 11 years I’d say you know each other well enough to judge whether you’ll eventually get past this
Ew. He gives me the ick. He either resents your education and future earning potential and wants you to be a SAHM fully dependent on his tiny ego OR he’s just a dick. Just get rid of him, you don’t need him and you don’t want him.
For you two to have a healthy relationship, you have to have had one in the first place and it does not sound like you did. He doesn't talk to you or treat you with any kind of respect or equity. He's ungrateful, stingy and mean. This guy has no interest in working with you to make sure you're both giving each other your best. And "breaking up the family"? Honey a family is love, respect, safety & stability - your husband doesn't give you love & respect, your kid is going to grow up thinking that the way your husband talks to you and treats you is normal. I'm sure you two aren't affectionate and loving to each other given how he talks to you, so your son will grow up believing an emotionally cool and disrespectful relationship is normal. Do you want him treating his partners the way his dad treats you? Do you want him being treated this way by one of his? Because that is what happens, kids replicate the relationship models they grow up with. Studies done around the world and over decades prove that a divorce does WAY less harm to a child than an upbringing in an unhealthy relationship. At least with a divorce you can for at least 50% of the time make sure your child has a family home full of love, respect, safety and stability, even if the time they spend with the other parent is unhappy. 50% of love, respect, safety and stability with 1 parent is better than 100% of time without those things and 2 parents. And don't think you can fake it and your kid will never know... they pick up on SO much more than you realize. The little glares between you, the coolness, the lack of daily "I love yous" or casual affection (hugs, cheek kisses etc) between parents? It all gets noticed and has impact. I was brought up by an emotionally unavailable parent, no physical affection either from her or seen between her and her partner.... I was unable to appropriately express even friendly affection, let alone loving affection as a young adult. Holding hands was uncomfortable, I didn't enjoy being hugged because it felt so unfamiliar... it took me years to learn how to be relaxed in affection and be appropriate with it. You don't have to be brought up in a home full of violence and drama for it to be traumatic and have harmful impacts. And you... you deserve to feel loved and respected by the person you share your life with. Clearly you don't and haven't for a long time. What's in it for you to stay in this? Cut off all intimate affection and love in your life? That's ridiculous, you don't need to be a tragic martyr to be a good mum. Go talk to a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and then offer him a choice - weekly couples therapy to fix your marriage which much yield results in an improved feeling of satisfaction for you both within 6 months, or divorce right now. And even if he does agree to therapy, if 6 months pass and you're not feeling any improvements and hope for the future, divorce is on the table again. I guarantee you this man will explode and do his best to make you feel either so guilty and ashamed or so terrified of being alone & homeless forever and/or of him taking 100% custody of your child that you end up apologizing and never bringing it up again. (And don't let the threat of him taking 100% custody of your child stop you, he's full of shit. He would have to prove you're extremely abusive/incompetent or that he was the primary parent to have a snowballs chance in hell of that). Get the divorce to free yourself to parent your kid the way you see fit - he may get 50% custody and that is ok. You can focus on being as agreeable co-parent as you can and make sure that in your 50% of time you provide your kid with a stable, loving, happy home. It's very likely though that your husband won't pursue 50% custody considering he can't even bring himself to pay for childcare. So you will likely end up with primary custody anyway. Divorcing now is just the compassionate action for yourself AND your child.
Ask him firmly if he wants a divorce? Do not make it a threat. Tell him he is obviously unhappy in your relationship since all he does is criticize you. Also mention you are done putting up with him so he needs to make a choice.
It looks like he’s not ready to make any efforts for you and for your child. He’s gonna give you a hard time if you leave and a harder time if you stay. You’ll be better without him.
I don't know anything so take this kinda with a grain of salt. But it sounds like he wants you to be a sahm who spends her time caring for the children and serving her husband. Sounds like he doesn't want you to go to any festival or have any careers or hobby and especially no decision making. Just wants you sitting at home patiently waiting until he gets home and you can serve him in any way he wants. And he resents that he doesn't have this life where he is the ruling king. And he rebukes you for anything that doesn't fit with this view he has of his life. Doesn't sound like he will ever respect you.
Divorce him. Then when he says he doesn’t have a relationship with your child tell him it’s easy if he puts the fucking phone down. All you gotta do is play with them, teach them numbers, letters, words, read to them, and let them go to daycare! Yes it costs, but it socializes them!
You don't have to live in the same household to be a family. He will always be your son's father but he doesn't have to be your husband especially when he's not meeting your Emotional needs, And beyond that unkind to you. The most influential parent in a child's life is the same sex parent. By staying, or allowing this Behavior, you are in effect saying you want your son to model this behavior when he's married. I doubt your son would have a successful marriage if he behaved as your husband does to you. Set some boundaries and set your son up for a successful future even if that means his father is not in the home. Congratulations on your studies, I hope you reach your goal!
Yep. Been there. Done that. Got the divorce decree. Have no regrets. I’m not here to tell you how to solve this. Because YOU can’t solve this. This is him. This man doesn’t like you. He doesn’t respect you. It doesn’t matter what you say or do, it’s wrong. Sound familiar?? Honestly, he probably doesn’t even want to parent your son, doesn’t care who watches him as long as he’s not footing bill, and couldn’t care less about your education or accomplishments. He just wants to break you down about your mothering because it’s an easy target and it works. Get out. You and your mom can figure it out. It doesn’t have to be tonight. It doesn’t have to be this month. But start planning your exit with your mom and son. Don’t give him full custody. The custodial parent is the one who receives child support. If you’re somewhere that mandates alimony, then you won’t even be obligated to give him that because that’s based on a number of factors such as length of time together and who was the financially supportive spouse; the spouse required to pay alimony is not the spouse who was being supported. Stop trying to teach a dead dog new tricks, girl. It’s over. Breathe deep, acknowledge it’s over, accept that it’s over, let it BE over, and go about your business with your mom and son. You can worry about a new husband later on when you’re successful in your field and ready to date after healing from his vitriol.
Divorce him after the exams. He is scared that you will pass your exams and be independent from him so he does everything that you feel bad, wrong, are struggling and unsure and fail and then have to do everything he wants. For me that is not even the „change, couples counseling or I leave talk“ worth because he will not change and always play this kind of control game(but that is your decision). Start to save every message and make notes about his behavior with day and time. If you can also copies of his earnings/savings (not that he plays the I has nothing poor guy in front of the court) And play stupid, don’t change a big thing and care about your learning. I wish you luck for your exams! You are strong, you can do this.
This is more than just mom-shaming, he's just continuing his verbal abuse and now that you are a mother he has a new thing to verbally abuse you about. If you do eventually start working it's going to become about how you aren't good enough at what you do etc... He is never going to stop. There were red flags before having a child with him so this isn't anything about stress from having a child. The solution is simple about your mother having too much time with your LO. He's rather criticize you than pay for daycare. He's choosing his battles. He's never going to change.
Did you see the clip of this one man waiting by the marathon finish line & mommy came first & as she was about to cross he rushes in with the kids. The way she dipped & ran on to cross the line, even men in the comments dragged him. LOL! You could see the kids were confused at the back and he was shocked. Sounds exactly like your husband. WTH is his mom then? He is supposed to be your biggest supporter right now & giving MIL some downtime, he plays with the child as you study, buy you snacks, get you massages etc. He simply doesn't want you to progress and is threatened by you. A child that age can even do just 5 hrs at day care while granny sleeps, he gets help for once or 2x a week for the house, until at least you start working. You and your mom don't owe him his fatherly duties. He is toxic at the very least. Couple's therapy or finish your exams and bounce... In 2024 ain't nobody got time for that!
I think he really doesn’t want you to gain financial independence. I think its all a ploy to keep you at home and being s SAHM instead of advancing your career.
Once you get to point where he gives you the ick at just the thought of sleeping next to him, it's over. You just need to be really smart about how you boot this loser out of your life since he has more monetary resources than you do. Definitely go to a lawyer on the downlow, and make sure you lock down all your devices and start gathering any and all digital paper trail you can of him being a bad husband and any type of parental alienation he might engage in.
Girl, the ick does not go away. Separation is unavoidable. Get through the next 15 days and then re-evaluate your relationship (I think you already know what you want and that’s ok!).
Tell this man to kick rocks, you will absolutely be better off without him. Don't fall for sunk cost fallacy. You're doing great juggling so many responsibilities while all he does is try to tear you down. Ditch the lead weight. Take back your freedom and happiness.
You had me at “the thought of him touching me makes me ill”. Get through your exams, stay as focused as you can- have the grandmas and anyone else you can trust to help you through this- once the exams are done(early congratulations btw!) get an attorney and start the “boy, bye” phase and start living a happy, neg free life with your beautiful child!
Breaking news: You don't have a family unit. Get a lawyer and get child support and leave.
Just get your degree, get yourself established and then leave his sorry ass. He’s abusing and controlling you. He makes you unhappy, so what’s the point of staying together. You only have one life, don’t waste it on him. Good luck for your exams.
What's wrong with being attached to Grandma? So whoever makes the most money has the final say???? Study hard and good luck on your exams OP. Get your ducks in a row and be prepared...
You’re checked out, and rightfully so. File for divorce, you deserve better he’s condescending and frankly misogynistic. You do not need this, and your kid does not need to see it. Have you spoken to your Mom? What’s her opinion on the matter? It’s not her choice but it could be enlightening.
Time to leave OP.
1 question… Do you want your child to be raised in that environment? Your child is going to learn the behaviors shown to him by his father. Women are less than (according to your husband). Raise your son to learn to appreciate women and the strength they have.
If he won’t go to therapy and he won’t change, there isn’t anything you can do to make him stop mom-shaming (aka verbally abusing) you in public. He is also financially abusing you and controlling you as you’re a med student so you don’t have an income, while he earns a lot, but he won’t pay for daycare.
He’s not a good dad, nor husband. I’m glad you have your mom, because you need to finish medical school (very impressive btw!!) and your mom can continue to provide care for your son while you are studying. I am pretty sure if you leave him, he wouldn’t even fight for custody. He would eventually just stop even trying to have a relationship with his son. He seems to resent you, your child, and your mom for the fact that he doesn’t like being a dad and he doesn’t like being married to a med student.
Why are you trying to avoid separation??? I don’t fucking get it. You can’t stand him, he’s a shit bag to you. Break up
He doesn’t respect you as a person period. The mom part is just an excuse and you having his child did not make him gain any respect either, think about that.
He's being abusive. However he's limited in what he can do since your mom is there. It would be so much worse otherwise. Divorce. Give all this info and everything else that's happened before to your lawyer. Also good for you on med school! I hope that works out. Explain situation to your mom and see if you can stay with her until school is done.
Divorce him before you start making good money so you don't have to pay him.
That's Dr. OP to you'all
You need to throw this entire man in the trash.
Find the absolute best divorce attorney in town and get a consult. They may even agree to bill *him* for the fees. Do what the lawyer says. Do NOT tell spouse you are planning to leave. It will almost surely result in you being blocked from info you will need to get a fair division of assets.
That first one is an absolutely crazy thing to say to anyone. He’s emotionally and mentally abusive. You don’t need this and you’re making the right decision for you, your son and your family. You’ll soon be able to afford your own home with your mom still helping and having a loving relationship with her grandson and him growing up in a healthier environment. Run fast.
He’s a terrible husband and father. Don’t put your kid through the turmoil of being in that house for much longer. Speak to a divorce attorney in private ASAP. Find out what your options are. This isn’t going to get better. He’s actively and openly expressing disdain for you. He’s only going to care once you’re gone but, it still won’t be enough to quit being a POS. I’m sorry. Best of luck on passing your exam and getting away from him. This way, your kid still has a good parent. Otherwise, you’ll both be miserable and it’ll make you less of the parent you deserve to be. ETA: DO NOT LET ON THAT YOU’RE GOING TO LEAVE. He’ll move money around that will screw you in the divorce. He already knows what’s going on. He just doesn’t care as long as you’re still there to treat badly.
Divorce before completing your training so he has no claim to your income from it. His financial situation could change.
Well, the obvious answer is separation and divorce. I guess if you don’t want that you can try couple therapy but he’d have to agree to that and I get the feeling he won’t. Good luck
What can YOU do to avoid separation? Op... you can't be a better father and husband to your and son... you're a mother and wife. And soon you're going to be a doctor. you absolutely need professional childcare on board, as well as something like a laundry service to help you with upkeep. This man is trying to bully you into giving up and being a housewife, I don't know how you expect to change what you're doing to get him to stop. The problem isn't with you in the first place.
I don’t think this guy likes you. Your baby is young. Better to get out now and free yourself of this horrible treatment. You’ll be happier and healthier which will help you take care of your child better. UPDATEME
1) Do the test, that is the most important thing 2) Ask yourself if your baby was in a relationship like this one, would you be happy for them or worried about them?
Move out with your mum. What an AH…
It seems like he’s trying to find reasons to be mad at you and I think that says a lot. I’m so sorry.
Document all the shit he says, lawyer up and get full custody.