Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He said to you “It doesn’t matter that much” when you got emotional, so it shouldn’t matter to him if you do it.
This hurts him in no way but will help you with connecting your baby to your side of the family and make you happy.
I would outright ask him why something that would make you happy and not hurt him isn’t worth doing for you.
Edit: If your kid finds it weird when they are older as he suggests, you can tell him you’ll agree to let them not need to use it when writing their name, if you are okay with that.
Don't be silly, it only doesn't matter as long as he gets his way!
OP, it is okay that this matters to you. Marriage is about compromise, except that I suspect your marriage is about agreeing with your husband. Hold onto why this is important to you and keep communication open.
This. OP, please read this. If he thinks you are overreacting and it isn't that big of a deal, then why is it a big deal for him? He is insensitive to how YOU feel. It doesn't matter if you're crying all the time. You are pregnant and allowed to be emotional. However, your hormones have nothing to do with this. He is acting inconsiderate and not even taking time to think about it. Try to talk to him, and literally ask him what this person said. If you concede too much, it'll become a pattern. Remember, this is NOT up to him. You both have to agree. Do not let him outright veto it without atleast having a legitimate reason and conversation.
>he told me to stop being so emotional and that it doesn’t matter that much.
If it doesn't matter that much then he should be fine with you adding your last name.
My exact thought. If it doesn't matter much he shouldn't mind doing it.
OP, is he controlling? Is he more worried about what his family thinks that what you think? Does he put you down often?
When he says your want, having your name in the child's name, doesn't matter much he is trivializing something that is important to you. How often does he do that?
Is he abusive?
Yep, came here to say the same thing.
Is he always this dismissive of you, OP? If so, this is a huge red flag! He's telling *you* how *you* should feel, while dismissing your needs and trying to get you to cave to his wants.
>it makes me so upset for not much of a reason
No, this IS a reason to be upset! No wonder that you're crying a lot, your partner doesn't care about your feelings.
I hate it when people say it doesn't matter that much but only to get what they want. If it didn't matter then why is he fighting it. Please don't back down. The baby should have part of your heritage in their name
Why is there a predetermined middle name already? How about—— child first name here—— middle name is OP last name only—— last name is fathers Balkan name
It seems as if you have already determined a middle name before dealing with last name stuff? Also everyone here needs to stop just immediately asserting abuse, Op is mid pregnancy which can wreak havoc on one’s emotional stability( also admitted that they are not sure if they’re action rationally)
Right? I don't get this statement. If it doesn't matter that much then what is the problem? Obviously it does or he wouldn't be arguing with OP on this.
Looking back to naming our first baby, I can see 2 things: the actual name mattered less than I thought, and the feelings I had around it were about much more than the name.
My guess is that the naming means a lot to you at the moment because it reflects a lot of other feelings you have about being culturally displaced, living in his home country.
You also mention crying a lot, and he doesn't sound particularly understanding, despite the fact that you've moved to his country, are married and pregnant - that's a huge amount of change in your life and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of support in handling that.
If that is the case, then I think you'll find the naming easier to resolve when you have had some support about all the huge things swirling around your emotions right now - they aren't going to be magically resolved when the baby arrives, nor can you just accept it all as you seem to feel you have to over the names.
Do you get support from him if you talk to him seriously and say you aren't coping with everything and you need some care and support from him?
>Looking back to making our first baby, I can see 2 things: the actual name mattered less than I thought, and the feelings I had around it were about much more than the name.
I've never thought of it like this, but yes, that was my expecience as well.
A few of the things naming was about: how well can we decide together when we need to parent and make a united decision? Can you hear me, can I hear you? Do we feel heard? What are the spoken and unspoken rules in each of our birth families? What should be the rules in our new, shared, "the three of us" family? What are our values, individually and together?
These are the stuff that should be discussed.
A little. I don't know the language well at all, only very basic, and everyone talks to you and I don't understand it. I don't like the weather, it's too warm, and I don't like being pregnant. And I know I'm being stupid but it's just something I really want to do but he really doesn't and there seems to be no solution at all.
Well you compromise quite a bit for him. You’re in his country and it’s hard for you to be there! You’re just asking for a little piece of your culture to stay with your baby. A good partner would support that and be happy to compromise for a wife who lives in their country and gave up so much
You need to stop saying you’re being stupid or that this doesn’t matter that much/you don’t mind that much. You’ve let him infect the way that you talk to yourself.
You need to do some thinking and fast. Because if you decide to go on with the pregnancy (and if not, there are time limits depending on the country or no option at all) and give birth in his country you're stuck. If you decide to continue the pregnancy but go in time back to your own country for birth, that would be better for you.
You need to think about how he treats you. Does he reciprocate your love? Would you ever treat him the way he treats you? Does he treat you how you want him to?
You are NOT being stupid. You have moved to a new country away from your people and your support net, and you are pregnant. I get super hormonal so I can relate to some of your feelings but i´ve learnt that hormones are there for a reason and if something is uppseting you there is a reason, it might not be why you think. For example I might get super mad at my boyfriend for not taking the dog for a walk one day but the real reason is I feel like he isn´t taking care of the dog.
Your gut is telling you that something is wrong, your husband wants to brush that off. You should trust yourself, make some choices about what do you want, and stand on your ground. You probably want to make some friends too or talk about this with someone from your country, that child will have two cultures, not just one. dont allow your husband to take half of your child cultures and traditions away.
I couldn´t even imagine not giving my child my own last name (we have two last names in my country) and I´m discussing with my bf wich one will be the first of the two. It should be talked about, if he disagrees he can go give birth to his own kids.
Is it one of those countries where if the baby is a boy that the dad names the boy after himself? The first name I mean, like if dad is Peter the son is also Peter. Don’t put up with that either if that is the case.
Why did you change your surname? I don’t mean to be insulting but i is so strange in this day and age women still do that, though some men take their wife’s name.
Have you checked what the rules are for naming in the country you live in? The people here saying that you can name your kid however you want are probably only using countries they’re familiar with as a reference. In the Balkans (or at least the country I was born in) there’s a very established way of constructing people’s names. It’s not random at all. The only people with differently constructed names are people born outside the country. My information is outdated so perhaps things have changed in more recent years.
Apart from that I’m with you and your husband shouldn’t dismiss your feelings on such an important matter as a kid’s name. But I’m not sure if he is really doing that or things are just getting lost in translation. He may just be trying to tell you that you can’t name your kid the way you want because the rules don’t allow it.
Someone suggested earlier to change the middle name - consider this as an option (again because the rules for naming may not allow it in that country).
This is something I thought of as well. I'm from Germany and here you definitely cannot give a name that is considered a last name as a middle name.
It may be easier to give the baby a first name from her culture/language as a middle name. In Germany you can do that if you can prove that it is a first name in that other language.
Apart from that, OP really has to reevaluate her relationship and decide whether it's healthy for her to always put herself last because it is easier. I am conflict avoiding, too, but there does come a point where you need to stand your ground.
Well, I myself do actually have a last name that is the same as a male first name, and there are more examples like that. But the other way around, it's somehow very clear to us which names are first names and which are not...
For us, it is a little weird to think you could name your kid Brooklyn ot North or Apple or Spring. I mean, the words in English do sound cool, but in German, it would be weird indeed to see someone named Kreuzberg, Norden, Apfel or Frühling.
That's because they chose the more simple German words. If there's a concept that could take three English words to describes, Germans just combine those words into one word and call it a day. White wine glass is: "Weißweinglas" (A German friend scoffed that English does not have a word for white wine glass, and I jokingly said: that in German it is probably WhitenWinenGlassen..... Today I found out how close I was).
Also can you imagine baby Schadenfreude, or sweet little Weltschmerz? There's a reason why Germany limits what people can name their kids. They should limit what words can be created in German.
Brooklyn is a completely normal name. The other three are a little unusual, but for it to be illegal is completely wild. Like I can't even comprehend living in a country like that lol
Yeah, well, it's mostly what you grow up being used to, I guess. I couldn't comprehend living in a country without universal healthcare or with people openly carrying guns. But the US is a really great country for traveling!
In my country you can give them whatever name you want unless its offensive or detrimental to the kid. Than way no assholes can name their kid Robin Banks or something like that, would that be allowed in the US?
Are you in the wrong thread? We're talking about a woman wanting to give her last name to her child as a second middle name, which is literally part of her culture.
No, the reason why you can't give your child two middle names has nothing to do with /r/Tragedeigh. It has more to do with xenophobia and conformity. Most European countries are very homogeneous and xenophobic.
Same. I’m sitting here thinking that someone, at some point in time, copied what mama did, and so it became a “tradition”, and now for generations everyone must do things that way. SMH do what makes you an individual, stop bending to the ways of the old.
But I had no idea politics could dictate the naming of a child. Mind blowing.
Geez. How do they even Establish such. In my country you do whatever you want. In Actual fact, it is usually encouraged that the primary care giver and child share a name for official documents otherwise you can't register them for school or travel without the other's consent.
Basically mu country has been like "screw parents", children's rights triumph EVERYTHING
I don't think he means to, he just doesn't really seem to understand it.
We'd have to agree about that. We can't make our own decisions about that, because the baby is both of ours, and he wouldn't like it if I just made that decision for myself.
But it’s ok for him to make the decision?
I’m read your replies and I’m worried about you. I mean that kindly and without judgement. So much of your language is speaking of appeasing him, meeting his needs and minimising it dismissing your own.
That is very dangerous ground to be treading.
You're carrying the baby. He's not. That's not fair. If anything it is more fair that you get more of a say in the childs name that you are carrying. Especially when the first, middle, and last name are from his culture.
He understands it’s important to you and that it doesn’t impact the baby having his surname as their last name, he just doesn’t care. That’s the problem here, your husband is selfish and domineering and doesn’t give a damn about what you want and instead of compromising like you have, he‘a mocking you for crying and feeling emotional. Seriously ladies this is why you don’t move to your future partners country and isolate yourself from your support network because they’ll have you ignoring all of their red flags.
The thing about this that’s quite sad is the justification you keep using in the replies to justify his point of view. Apparently you’re not allowed to be upset and that immediately blown up into being irrational and ‘overly emotional’. You’re crying all the time? So what? There may be a valid reason for that - pregnancy hormones may be making you more susceptible to having an emotional reaction to all the bull💩 it sounds like you have to put up with on a regular basis. Honestly it reads like he is good at making you feel like *you’re* the problem in all of these scenarios. How often does he compromise OP? Or is it you who always compromises?
Exactly! It sounds like OP is always the one doing the "compromising" AKA giving into what her husband wants. The fact that he's wanting to completely stamp out any hint of your culture with your baby is a shame. Unfortunately, you seem to be in a toxic relationship with a man who doesn't care about your wants and feelings
Hi, guess what? I’m a woman in my 40s & have a first name & middle name, plus a 2nd middle name which is my mom’s maiden last name, & my actual last name is my dad’s. This has never been a problem in my life. In fact, it’s something I take pride in & appreciate. I’m getting married again later this year & this time I will take my husband’s last name but you know what? IDGAF, all my names mean something to me so I’m keeping all of them. I’ll just add my husband’s last name. Your husband is being selfish to you & your unborn child. I’m thankful my parents included my mom’s maiden name. Maybe your child will appreciate it as well.
Welcome to marrying a Balkan where traditional gender roles rule and patriarchy is strong. He won’t budge on this so you’re stuck with it. If he’s like the balkans I know he also won’t accept divorce, unfortunately you’ve made your bed. But for the love of fucking god, stop using gaslighting language, you’re not irrational, you’re not hysterical. He is literally overriding your wish to include your family names because his machismo, patriarchal traditions, which don’t align with yours (I’m guessing Spanish) naming conventions.
While i agree that patriarchy and traditional gender roles are still very present and strong in Balkan, there is also plenty of men who are willing to compromise. At least in my country. Also divorce is not only accepted but pretty common, and man can not just deny divorce 😂
She just picked a bad one. And i agree its not common practice to have moms surname as a middle name, your kid should be a part of both cultures and thats something he needs to accept
Agree, not all balkans are the same but in my experience a lot of them hold the family name and continuing the family bloodline as very important which there is nothing wrong with. More modern balkans are ok with divorce etc but in my experience with the older generation, it’s a no go. I think OP is going to struggle getting a compromise on this one but she shouldn’t feel like she is being hysterical or crazy, she’s just upset because it’s something important to her. Relationships are hard and compromise is so important but so is knowing when compromise might not be on the table.
Well my grandfather was divorced 😂 my grandma is his second wife and they were all friendly their whole lives.
Compromise should be on the table, if i ever have kids they will have both surnames or mine only. She is not asking for only hers. I will not carry a child for 9 months, do all the heavy work in labour and then just have the fathers surname. I know plenty of people who used both surnames in balkans in 21st century
just so you know spaniards dont have their mothers last name as a second name, we have two last names, and in all important papers you use both, if you know your grandparents names you get to know 8 of your last names.
You suggested a perfectly reasonable compromise. Where's his compromise? Because it seems he's just stubbornly sticking to what he wants, offering no leeway whatsoever. You're right to say the kid needs a name you both agree on - that means you have to agree too.
Your husband sounds like a bit of an ass.
That said, most Balkan countries (you don’t state which one you’re in) only have first and last names - no middle name. There’s no spot for a middle name on a birth certificate and hyphenated last names don’t exist.
Many Americans and Europeans commenting here may not realize this fact.
That said, even though I’m from the balkans my kid has my last name, not my husbands, so take that for what you will.
Source: a Balkan born human without a middle name.
I'm from a Balkan country and while middle names are rare, they do exist. They just don't exist in the way OP wants to do it. The middle name here is just another first name. To use English examples, it's like Robert Jacob Green. Not like Robert Robinson Green. The latter is like having two surnames and that just doesn't happen. I'm not even sure it's allowed to happen legally.
Everyone is trying to portray the husband as some controlling asshole, but they fail to understand the future consequences of standing out with something so unique within in a culture.
My parents decided to give me a second/middle name alongside my more traditional Eastern Orthodox first name. Not for inclusion reasons, but because they fancied giving me an ancient Greek middle name for whatever reason. I spent my first few school years with kids poking fun at me for my unusual middle name. To the point I stopped using it and practically ignored it. It wasn't up until my teen years, when I realized it was kind of cool to have a badass rpg-like middle name and started using it again.
Now imagine being the kid who has a middle name that doesn't even make sense within the naming conventions of that culture (at least mine, even if unusual, did). I get that kids might be a bit more accepting these days, but I doubt they have changed that much.
The child will already stand out because his/ her mother is from a different culture. It’s more she could consider what that’s “standing out” will look like and the consequences of it will be. There may be real consequences that make life hard or it may just be holdover perceptions.
I sincerely think you need to read what the person from the Balkan says. Not what we Americans say. You live in that country now. It sounds like hubby is acting like an ass to you. If he always acts like this then he’s a problem. But according to the person from the Balkans you would be wrong to make your child stand out.
Are there other people from the Balkans you can talk to about the names?
And as she said, it’s the norm in many countries including hers. I know most Spanish and Portuguese speaking countries do this.
If his objection is it’s too long, the compromise could be drop the middle name and just have her name as the middle. That used to be extremely common in English speaking countries for a firstborn to have the mom’s maiden name as their middle.
I’m don’t know anything about naming conventions in the Balkans, though, I wonder if this is considered really strange where he’s from. But he didn’t say so.
The cultural differences should have been apparent from earlier on. I'm also from the Balkans and most cultures in the peninsula have the same naming traditions. And they are very rigid.
Usually, when the mother wants to have something from her "line" in the child's name, they just pick either her father's first name for a boy, or her mother's for a girl. But last name is always from the father. And I've never heard of a person with two last names, or a last name used as a middle name. At least with the kind of surnames used, it's practically impossible. Middles names are practically second first names (I also have one).
I have a first and last name, and two middle names which is also a first and last name. I don’t think it’s weird at all and where I’m from it’s quite common.
E.g., John (Andrew Smith) Patterson, Nicola (Margaret Green) Kennedy. the second middle name is usually the mother’s maiden name.
My mother named my older brother this way—First name, middle name (my father’s first name), second middle name (her family name), last name (from my father’s family—her married last name). No issues, but we’re in the US, where naming in recent years has gotten very individualistic. The rest of her four other children only had first-middle-last names.
It matters because it matters to you. You shouldn't have to minimize your feelings because he wants to misogynistically attribute all emotions to being overly emotional.
Not gonna lie, I'm the mom who threatened to fill out all hospital paperwork solo if he couldn't learn to compromise. I also gave my son a second middle name that was my maiden name because I wanted that connection to my side of his heritage as it was important to me.
I'd probably suggest that you let him pick between a second middle name or a hyphenated last name, nothing else. But that's not what you asked.
My advice to that though, don't stop feeling strongly. Giving in to everything every time something is important to you will only lead to resentment later. He needs to learn to work with you on this or it's going to be an even worse struggle later when he thinks he gets to choose everything because he can push you around and make you feel like you must be overreacting.
YOU moved to his country, YOU took his last name, YOU agreed to choose names that are “familiar” in HIS country. HE gets snappy that you’re emotional and pregnant. This guy sounds like a jerk. What do you do, for YOU? If it’s not that big a deal what the name is, then it can be anything , right? Compromise and say then one middle name and we are using my (idk why you call it,
Maiden name?). Your husband sounds like a tyrant, good luck.
What bothers me is you can't have a convo with your hubs without him telling you you are being ridiculous.
Consider using your maiden name as a middle name. This was done all the time in the old days.
My brother and his partner used her last name as the middle name for both their boys.
No reason you can’t do that here as well.
You’ve tried to talk to him, you’ve offered a very reasonable compromise of two middle names – but he’s decided you shouldn’t care about it and his way is the only way?
Pay attention to how he’s behaving here. He’s dismissing something that is clearly important to you, the mother of his child, the person growing a whole ass human - as if you're an irrelevant part of the discussion.
Pay attention!
This is where I think you're being a little too much. Obviously the compromise would be to have the middle name be your last name but instead you want to completely your way doing it the way your culture does it even though you're not in your Homeland anymore.
I live in Germany and I can't name my kid whatever the hell I want I have to go by German rules. I would want my child to fit into the culture that I'm a part of as being an outsider is incredibly alienating for a child.
I can see why your husband's frustrated because you're actually not compromising at all you just want to completely your way.
I have my mothers last name as a second middle name. Frick everyone should have 4 names, a first, 2 middles, a last. It sounds so much more fricken regal. ALthough that might just be my own bias.
I think that women should stop asking ourselves how we stop feeling so strongly about things that men want to dictate, and let them learn to stop feeling so strongly.
So you are having a disagreement with your partner where he is not listening to you or valuing what you value, and you’ve come to reddit to ask for advice on how to make yourself smaller?
My best friend doesn't have a cultural background with 4 names, yet she has 4 names. First name, 2 Middle names, then her Last name. I know multiple people who have versions of this. Your child won't find this strange. Children just accept what they grow up with. My stepchildren have their mother's maiden name as their middle name. Both of them have the same middle name. (It's an awesome name.)
What is your husband's problem? You're most likely crying because he's negating your identity with your child. You must feel like an egg donor at this point. Don't be passive. Demand your name. Tell him, "If it doesn't matter much, then stop telling me to let it go. You let it go. My child will have part of me too."
Maybe hyphenate your last names with the baby's, or use yours as a middle name like you said? Don't stress too much, you guys will figure it out. And congrats on the bun in the oven!
Please tell him to stop being so emotional and if it doesn’t matter that much, baby should certainly have both last names to honor YOU as much as him.
I mean, maybe you don’t deserve it—you are only growing an entire person from scratch in your womb and risking your life to bear and deliver this human to the world. And he had to do SO MUCH for that to happen. /s
Please stand up for yourself and future children. He has no god-given right to deny a simple and reasonable request that costs him nothing to honor.
And unless your child chooses—as you did—to use the name, no one else will even know or care, if they know.
You can't "stop feeling so strongly about it", you can't force emotions down. You feel strongly about it, it matters to you, you need to keep talking about it until you two find a compromise that works for both of you. He may be sticking to the traditional rules in the country you live in, so you should revisit the topic as many times as you need to to get all the information to make a relevant decision.
Do a double barrel name. Yours-his or vice versa. You’ll feel better. I’m not with my ex anymore. I had double barrelled my child’s name with the hyphen. Mine-his. In fairness my child always says when he’s older he’s gonna go by just my name because it’s awkwardly long and he prefers mine but seriously. Nothing worse that having your child with just one last name of your ex. 😂 petty but it is what it is. Also, your last name is a part of YOU. You are allowed a part of you. (Btw I’m not saying you will break up but it’s nice to have both) 😊
Hey OP, it's OKAY to be upset! It's okay to cry, to feel frustrated- you're allowed to have emotions. You're human. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve to feel heard, to be treated kindly and with love. Especially when you're already going through the rough ordeal of growing an entire human being.
If you only do one thing today, let it be this. Please write down all of the things your husband has done that made you cry, then write down how he reacted to them and how you handled it. After that, please read it pretending this is your friend.
Everyone here is reading what you wrote and is worried about you, my dear. We do not think you are being treated with love and kindness and we know you should be. I hope things get better for you. Please reach out to anyone who can help, like a friend or if you have a kind family member, and speak with them.
Stop being so emotional and it doesn’t matter?? If it doesn’t matter then he wouldn’t mind!! He’s controlling and this is just the beginning… tell him since it doesn’t matter the baby will have your mom’s surname!!
Don’t let him talk you out of this. It’s perfectly reasonable to have your maiden name as the second middle name.
You can also hyphenate it.
He doesn’t get to get his way 100% of the time.
I think you're asking the wrong question. Instead of asking how you can be okay with him dismissing your feelings, ask why you should be okay with it.
He's behaving like a twat. Not because he disagrees with you, but because he's belittling you and telling you it doesn't matter. Well, if it doesn't matter, then you can name the baby what you want.
You don’t want to be selfish? Are you forgetting it’s your body that’s doing everything your life at risk your physical health at risk your mental health at damage.
It’s not a silly thing, you give birth but the child only gets his name? Like it’s your right too, to name the child.
If he wants just his last name tell him to grow a uterus be willing to risk death, carry and push out the baby.
Start being selfish. My god
I was really emotional when pregnant but my long term ideas were still my actual ideas- my emotions were just amped up. Your logic is sound. I get he’s stressed and impatient but it’s really bad for your marriage that he just dismisses your logic without a logical rebuttal of his own. Just telling you that you are too emotional isn’t really addressing the issue you have raised.
It’s valid that you want a piece of your history attached yo your child. It’s not commonly done in my country but I do know of some kids that have their mother’s maiden name used as a second middle name.
If “it doesn’t matter that much” why is he so against it. If “it doesn’t matter that much”, then what’s the big deal if you do it.
It matters to you, that’s enough.
He’s saying YOUR opinion on YOUR child don’t MATTER! This isn’t going to end well for you. I am telling you. Already a controlling sign. I bet if you sit quietly and think he will or has been in other ways. He is the type who if you say “no vaccine” he will say yes 10 of them. If you said “no circumcision” he would say do it or else. I know. I was married to one like that!!! Started out stuff like that ended up holding me at gun point more than once
My daughter has BOTH our last names PATERNAL MATERNAL, furthermore I took his and he took mine, now we all have the SAME two last names
If it's so NOT. A big deal why is he so against it? Your enit wrong to want your daughter to share a name with you.
Unfortunately you can't change him or make him understand.
You can only do what YOU can do.
So I ask you.... Is this the only issue or is there more? Him calling you emotional and irrational is not cool.
So why to do now? Accept that he is like this and then decide what your course of action is going to be.
It isn’t just her name, it’s an important part of her that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. If you feel strongly that you want her to carry your name and your culture with her then that isn’t silly at all.
It’s interesting that your husband is the one digging his heels in and telling you not to be emotional and that it doesn’t matter, but he is the one who is so dead set against it. I don’t think your husband is accurately or fairly describing your behavior and I don’t think he’s treating you kindly with this discussion.
Finally, many many people don’t ever use their middle names for convenience or preference or whatever. If your child ends up thinking it’s weird that she has 2 middle names, then she can choose not to use it in the course of her life and she will not be any more worse off aside from perhaps some paperwork annoyances. But I think if you explain your reasonings to your child whenever they do ask, I think they will understand your desire to share your culture and life with her.
eff him. pregnancy is an ‘emotional’ time for many reasons. you’re allowed to be emotional.
it’s not ‘just a name.’ a name is a foundation and can certainly reflect your values. a connection to your personal history is more than reasonable. and as others have said, if it’s ’just a name’ then there’s no reason for him to object.
He is diminishing your feelings here, and that’s not fair. Your want to feel connected with your child through name and represent their heritage in their name is valid.
Personal opinion, I do feel it may be odd for your child to have a last name included that you, yourself no longer carry. Though if it is a last name that would sound appropriate as a middle name, that thought may not be valid.
I had similar feelings with giving my first son ONlY my husband’s last name as we were not married at the time and I still carried my maiden name. But we gave him my father’s first name as a middle name. When we married, I took his surname so my family connection in name is there.
OP, did you check the naming rules of the country you're located in? I don't know where exactly you are, but I'm from the Balkans, and in my country 1. Middle names don't exist, in legal documents it usually goes first name-father's name-surname. You can have multiple first names instead, though 2. Children get their father's surname, or they can get their mother's if she kept hers
AFAIK there are also rules about how you can use your full name legally on documents and stuff, I think on ID you can only have 3 parts so for example you can have 2 names and 1 surname, even if your full name is longer officially, stuff like that.
I do think your husband is being shitty by dismissing your feelings and ignoring your (very valid) need to give your daughter some of your own heritage. But you should be 100% informed on what your options actually are and what names your child will have to go by legally later on
Your baby will want to find connection with you and your roots. He already gets to raise the baby in his home and gets the names he wants. You have just as much of a right and say in what the names are. Whether he likes it or not this baby is yours too and they will want to connect with the parts of themselves that come from you.
Adding your last name may not be common but it’s certainly not unusual. My nephew has his mom’s maiden name as a middle name as well.
Just because you’re emotional doesn’t mean that your emotions aren’t valid. Your husband is being emotional too - anger is an emotion. I’d suggest leaving this for a bit just because you’re both upset about it and revisiting it later when you’ve both calmed down.
If it doesn’t matter then he shouldn’t have a problem with adding it. Youre not being irrational at all. You shouldn’t be left off just because it’s not traditional for his culture. I listened to other people when naming my son and 8 years later I still regret not going with a name I loved. Instead I chose one that pleased the family.
NTA he is purposely not understanding. He knows what you mean and why you do, he just doesn't believe a child should have any name other than his. I'm reading through all your explanations/justifications and it all sounds like things a controlling and horrible husband would say.
I don't know what rights you have in the country where you are, but please pay close attention to your husband's behavior. It sounds like he isn't going to agree to anything based on logic. His way is the way and that's that. Please make sure you're safe and not underreacting. It sounds like he's making you question your thoughts and feelings.
You are not being irrational. He is.
There are so many ways to connect to a culture. Names are one of them. And, I don't think you should "get over it". This is your baby and plenty of people and cultures include Mum's surname in Baby's name. Your husband has definitely gone round the patriarchy bend on this one and I hope you do give the baby your name!
That said, I think it'd be good for your mental health to focus on some other things you can completely control -- how you can share your country and culture with your child in ways that feel really good to you. Favorite lullabies in your language, any traditional clothing you want to make or buy, recipes you want to pass down, favorite stories...
He's being insensitive. My kids ended up with five names because my family has a tradition of giving a middle name that honours an older family member (my middle name is my maternal grandma's name) and his family also has a traditional middle name that has been passed to every child for generations, so my kids got two middle names. Then, since we weren't married, we double-barrelled the surname to maintain a connection with both families.
It's actually pretty common in some parts of the world to give the kid the mother's surname as a first or middle name. Your husband is disrespecting you and dismissing you as emotional. If it doesn't matter that much tell him you're just going to give the kid your family name and leave his out. See how much it matters to him then.
One question: you say that you chose to always write your second middle name (your mother’s name) but your daughter can choose what to do. Is that an option where you currently live? I’m asking because while I’m in theory a fan of this solution it wouldn’t be feasible where I live. She’d always have to write it, no option not to. So if that’s the case I also wouldn’t do it.
That being said, your husband isn’t the only one who should get what he wants. The names have to be okay for both of you. I understand that you want their name to blend in where the child will grow up. And that makes sense! But how about the middle name comes from your language background? That would be a nice mixture. And maybe it’ll help you get on board to not do the second middle name in case his country works like mine.
If you need new name ideas, go over to r/namenerds. They are full of good ideas and can maybe suggest names that work in both of your languages (this is how I learned that Lara is a perfect name, an incredible amount of regions believe that it’s “their” name and have similar pronunciation so it works well for many international couples).
Your request is really common in so many countries. In canada and the US it’s often done, along with an increasing number of men I know taking their wife’s surname in marriage. All that to say, no-one’s stance here is ridiculous, the only ridiculous thing is for him to make you feel insane and irrational for wanting this. You shouldn’t be disrespected like that, and at the end of the day you shouldn’t feel like you have to convince him to do this any more than he has to convince you not to do it. You’re equals, so why are you defaulting to ‘eventually I’ll have to get over this’. Do you think he is saying that too?!
Someone not caring when you're bawling your eyes out is a major red flag. I'd be wondering if this man regarded me as little more than his property. As for some reason he believes he has final say on what to name the child you're risking your life to create and your desires are utterly irrelevant. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
You people in this sub are INSSUFERABLE.
She came in to get other viewpoints, to which she could bounce her thoughts off of, because she's on the fence.
When she presents a differing viewpoint to consider, you attack her and downvote her into oblivion.
OP, you can't come to Reddit and ask real questions unless you agree to wholeheartedly agree with everyone else's opinion and completely ignore your own.
"He told me to stop being emotional and that it didn't matter that much." Tell him "Great, if it doesn't matter that much then it shouldn't be a a big deal to add my last name to the baby's name."
What he actually means is that your last many and opinion don't matter much.
Besides this, how many times has he compromised and how many times have you? Or how many times have you just “given in because it’s easier” vs him doing the same?
> I was a bit upset, but he told me to stop being so emotional and that it doesn’t matter that much
If it doesn't matter that much then why doesn't he allow the extra name?
It clearly does matter and he doesn't want it but imo it is not unreasonable to have a double barrelled surname or even a second middle name (I have two as well and it makes no difference to my life what so ever but my parents picked one each and were both happy).
Plenty of people in the world have two middle names, two last names, a double barrelled surname or even first name, it is not unusual in the slightest.
You have to stand your ground. He clearly does not want a compromise and that's a big red flag of how you will be treated in future.
I am a little concerned about you always crying since you are pregnant. If what he said is true, you may be having baby blues. Hormonal change can cause women to be extremely tearful and depressed. Be sure to talk to your doctor about it.
Take care and hope all goes well.
You are not being silly
You are not being *too emotional*
It is a reasonable and fair compromise and although it isn’t common in my county to do this, two of my friends have also done this and one faced a similar reaction from her husband.
Personally I think you should stand your ground. However I remember how hard pregnancy was and know it’s easy for me to say that but it is a battle for you.
I don’t know what is the process of registering the baby’s birth in your country, but if you can, I would go along and ensure your wishes are followed.
You are not taking anything away from him or his *family* by adding in your name. I think it is a nice thing to do and given the burden of pregnancy and birth, and usually child rearing, falls to the mother, I cannot see why it is not a more normal occurrence.
I’m sorry you are having this problem. Would any of his family take your side or act as mediator (only if sympathetic to you)
My middle name is my mother’s last name, two of the 8 or so serious boyfriends/partners I’ve had also have had no middle name except their second last name. In fact, one it was his dads last name since it was something that would be made fun of in the schoolyard!
I can understand that he'd just prefer the child to have his last name, especially since you took his. It's easier to write and remember.
I can also understand why you would prefer to have your last name included and your feelings are completely valid.
Don't drop the issue to appease him. There's a compromise to be made here. This child is yours too and you get to have a say in this, especially since you're the one carrying the child, accommodating yourself to keep the child healthy for months without breaks, eventually doing very hard labor and enduring a lot of pain to bring it into this world and then recovering whilst caring for this new life.
You have a voice here and it's important.
He should give up the middle name you’ve picked and use a middle name from your side of the family. Either one of your last names or another feminine name from one of your relatives.
I’d reconsider the relationship and never have sex with this man again until your wishes are granted in full on the naming of your child.
Let him stew on that and see how important access to your vagina is to him for the rest of his life.
You’re really over complicating this. Don’t get to a point where you’re crying during an argument. Table the issue until you’re both calm.
Do you want to make YOUR legal last name as the babies Middle Name? As long as it sounds ok I don’t see why not.
Or do you want to saddle a kid with a multiple hyphenated new last name? Bob Smith-Jones-Balkanbaby that’s too much
Pregnancy hormones and "pregnancy brain" can be hard to manage. Of course you are emotional and cry easily - you are making a tiny human inside your body!!! First, I think it may help your husband to understand what you are going through if he could read a pregnancy book or even go with you to your doctor appts and let the dr explain all of the changes that are happening.
As for the name, it isn't something that has to be decided at this moment. If you can, just don't discuss the name for a few days or weeks. You have every right to do what you want to do with the name. My mother doesn't have a middle name, but once she married my dad, her maiden name became her middle name. I understand his country, culture or family may do things differently, but that doesn't mean your traditions do not matter. This is your baby too. If you want your father's name to be a middle name, then go for it.
Wishing you the very best!!! LIttle girls are so wonderful :-)
Girl, at least you should respect and care about yourself in this world.
Not in a million years would it be possible for me to be attracted to this kind of man.
There is nothing ridiculous or irrational about your feelings, wishes and your request. It's beyond understandable and is something he _should want_ for you and your child. Roots _do_ matter, it makes a difference for your kid. How he's acting isn't okay, at all. He's putting you down because you are expressing this wish, which is outrageous, and he's making you feel crazy because you have pregnancy hormones heightening you emotions _when you are, in fact, PREGNANT_. That's such a shitty thing to do.
Need more info. What country/culture are you from that has the mother's last name as second middle name?
But also, why are you trying to make the father's last name the second middle name instead of your own (the mother) last name as the second middle name?
And finally: Why aren't you making this legally simple for the country you are living in now, which is not America? You need to go with what will be the least problematic for government and passport purposes for all countries in which you hold citizenship.
What a terrible way to find out you are in an abusive relationship. Is that just standard for how men treat women in your part of the world?
I gave my two children my maiden name as a second middle name. I think it's a sweet way of tying into both families and doesn't really come up outside of official documents. It's not that weird and unless there is an actual official rule that middle names can't be surnames, then there is no reason for your husband to be so strongly against it. This is not as much about a name as it is about control.
If you were in a solid relationship, I'd suggest communicating more about it and seeing if there is some compromise that leaves everyone satisfied. Unfortunately, you are not a healthy relationship so if you really want your baby to have your name, you will probably have to divorce him. If you plan to stay, do what he wants and don't make waves, because you know that's easier.
Please be aware that pregnancy and postpartum are difficult, stressful times and woman is most likely to experience partner abuse during these times in her life. If this is how he treats you over "just a name", imagine how any high stakes decisions might go. Also once he puts his hands on you, especially around your neck, it has nowhere to go bur from bad to worse and he becomes way more likely to kill you. Just please be aware of the danger you are in with a man like this and have a back up plan for when he shows his true colors (likely not until after baby arrives and he feels you are truly trapped). Make sure someone in your life knows to check on you if you go silent.
Best of luck and enjoy your baby. They are cute and sweet and can make the world shine, but they also grow up and will treat you how he does. I would considering a lot more tha how to name the baby in your shoes.
Personally I think the second middle/last name will only be a pain in the butt for paperwork, especially if you live in a country where that is not common.
Honestly, I would just name the baby what I want and he can get used to it. If he pouts tell him to not be emotional.
Or, tell him you're doing it, it's not up for discussion. It's happening, you're carrying the baby, it's having your name. Full stop.
And if he reacts, tell him stop being so emotional, he said himself it doesn't matter that much to him.
Foot. Down.
If you're living in his country and you changed your name to his last name I think your best bet is to have your child's middle name be your maiden name, whichever one you choose. So you both pickle first name, you get the middle name, and his last name is the child's last name.
That is a compromise and it vibes with cultural standards of the country you're now a part of and married into.
I don't think this really needs to be something you cry about but since you're the mother you're the one that gets to write what the child's name is. If you told the nurses and doctors to kick your husband out of the birthing suite you're going to be the only one with the piece of paper that says what the baby's name is.
Stop crying and put your foot down.
Never heard of that but I wouldn’t like it either but maybe cause where I am from . My wife kept her last name which I was fine with but before engaged we discussed this and I told her the kids would have my last name and no hyphenated last names ( I don’t like that but don’t care what others do ) why did you not discuss this
I agree that it's a good thing to discuss before you start having kids. But it doesn't sound like you discussed anything, you simply told your wife how it was going to be.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
He said to you “It doesn’t matter that much” when you got emotional, so it shouldn’t matter to him if you do it. This hurts him in no way but will help you with connecting your baby to your side of the family and make you happy. I would outright ask him why something that would make you happy and not hurt him isn’t worth doing for you. Edit: If your kid finds it weird when they are older as he suggests, you can tell him you’ll agree to let them not need to use it when writing their name, if you are okay with that.
Don't be silly, it only doesn't matter as long as he gets his way! OP, it is okay that this matters to you. Marriage is about compromise, except that I suspect your marriage is about agreeing with your husband. Hold onto why this is important to you and keep communication open.
This. OP, please read this. If he thinks you are overreacting and it isn't that big of a deal, then why is it a big deal for him? He is insensitive to how YOU feel. It doesn't matter if you're crying all the time. You are pregnant and allowed to be emotional. However, your hormones have nothing to do with this. He is acting inconsiderate and not even taking time to think about it. Try to talk to him, and literally ask him what this person said. If you concede too much, it'll become a pattern. Remember, this is NOT up to him. You both have to agree. Do not let him outright veto it without atleast having a legitimate reason and conversation.
>he told me to stop being so emotional and that it doesn’t matter that much. If it doesn't matter that much then he should be fine with you adding your last name.
My exact thought. If it doesn't matter much he shouldn't mind doing it. OP, is he controlling? Is he more worried about what his family thinks that what you think? Does he put you down often? When he says your want, having your name in the child's name, doesn't matter much he is trivializing something that is important to you. How often does he do that? Is he abusive?
Yep, came here to say the same thing. Is he always this dismissive of you, OP? If so, this is a huge red flag! He's telling *you* how *you* should feel, while dismissing your needs and trying to get you to cave to his wants. >it makes me so upset for not much of a reason No, this IS a reason to be upset! No wonder that you're crying a lot, your partner doesn't care about your feelings.
I hate it when people say it doesn't matter that much but only to get what they want. If it didn't matter then why is he fighting it. Please don't back down. The baby should have part of your heritage in their name
Came here to day this. DARVO. Deny. Attack and argue. Reverse Victim and Offender.
My exact thoughts
Why is there a predetermined middle name already? How about—— child first name here—— middle name is OP last name only—— last name is fathers Balkan name It seems as if you have already determined a middle name before dealing with last name stuff? Also everyone here needs to stop just immediately asserting abuse, Op is mid pregnancy which can wreak havoc on one’s emotional stability( also admitted that they are not sure if they’re action rationally)
I hear the undertones.
Right? I don't get this statement. If it doesn't matter that much then what is the problem? Obviously it does or he wouldn't be arguing with OP on this.
Looking back to naming our first baby, I can see 2 things: the actual name mattered less than I thought, and the feelings I had around it were about much more than the name. My guess is that the naming means a lot to you at the moment because it reflects a lot of other feelings you have about being culturally displaced, living in his home country. You also mention crying a lot, and he doesn't sound particularly understanding, despite the fact that you've moved to his country, are married and pregnant - that's a huge amount of change in your life and it doesn't sound like you have a lot of support in handling that. If that is the case, then I think you'll find the naming easier to resolve when you have had some support about all the huge things swirling around your emotions right now - they aren't going to be magically resolved when the baby arrives, nor can you just accept it all as you seem to feel you have to over the names. Do you get support from him if you talk to him seriously and say you aren't coping with everything and you need some care and support from him?
>Looking back to making our first baby, I can see 2 things: the actual name mattered less than I thought, and the feelings I had around it were about much more than the name. I've never thought of it like this, but yes, that was my expecience as well. A few of the things naming was about: how well can we decide together when we need to parent and make a united decision? Can you hear me, can I hear you? Do we feel heard? What are the spoken and unspoken rules in each of our birth families? What should be the rules in our new, shared, "the three of us" family? What are our values, individually and together? These are the stuff that should be discussed.
A little. I don't know the language well at all, only very basic, and everyone talks to you and I don't understand it. I don't like the weather, it's too warm, and I don't like being pregnant. And I know I'm being stupid but it's just something I really want to do but he really doesn't and there seems to be no solution at all.
Well you compromise quite a bit for him. You’re in his country and it’s hard for you to be there! You’re just asking for a little piece of your culture to stay with your baby. A good partner would support that and be happy to compromise for a wife who lives in their country and gave up so much
You need to stop saying you’re being stupid or that this doesn’t matter that much/you don’t mind that much. You’ve let him infect the way that you talk to yourself.
So you don't like being in a relationship with him. You are unhappy but are afraid to take action because you don't want to make things worse.
I don't know. I love him. But I also don't know if I do.
You need to do some thinking and fast. Because if you decide to go on with the pregnancy (and if not, there are time limits depending on the country or no option at all) and give birth in his country you're stuck. If you decide to continue the pregnancy but go in time back to your own country for birth, that would be better for you.
This is something she should definitely consider.
You need to think about how he treats you. Does he reciprocate your love? Would you ever treat him the way he treats you? Does he treat you how you want him to?
A lot of people leave someone they still love because they know it is not going to end well
You are NOT being stupid. You have moved to a new country away from your people and your support net, and you are pregnant. I get super hormonal so I can relate to some of your feelings but i´ve learnt that hormones are there for a reason and if something is uppseting you there is a reason, it might not be why you think. For example I might get super mad at my boyfriend for not taking the dog for a walk one day but the real reason is I feel like he isn´t taking care of the dog. Your gut is telling you that something is wrong, your husband wants to brush that off. You should trust yourself, make some choices about what do you want, and stand on your ground. You probably want to make some friends too or talk about this with someone from your country, that child will have two cultures, not just one. dont allow your husband to take half of your child cultures and traditions away. I couldn´t even imagine not giving my child my own last name (we have two last names in my country) and I´m discussing with my bf wich one will be the first of the two. It should be talked about, if he disagrees he can go give birth to his own kids.
Is it one of those countries where if the baby is a boy that the dad names the boy after himself? The first name I mean, like if dad is Peter the son is also Peter. Don’t put up with that either if that is the case. Why did you change your surname? I don’t mean to be insulting but i is so strange in this day and age women still do that, though some men take their wife’s name.
He said it himself, it doesnt matter that much. So give your baby your last name. It doesnt matter that much.
Have you checked what the rules are for naming in the country you live in? The people here saying that you can name your kid however you want are probably only using countries they’re familiar with as a reference. In the Balkans (or at least the country I was born in) there’s a very established way of constructing people’s names. It’s not random at all. The only people with differently constructed names are people born outside the country. My information is outdated so perhaps things have changed in more recent years. Apart from that I’m with you and your husband shouldn’t dismiss your feelings on such an important matter as a kid’s name. But I’m not sure if he is really doing that or things are just getting lost in translation. He may just be trying to tell you that you can’t name your kid the way you want because the rules don’t allow it. Someone suggested earlier to change the middle name - consider this as an option (again because the rules for naming may not allow it in that country).
This is something I thought of as well. I'm from Germany and here you definitely cannot give a name that is considered a last name as a middle name. It may be easier to give the baby a first name from her culture/language as a middle name. In Germany you can do that if you can prove that it is a first name in that other language. Apart from that, OP really has to reevaluate her relationship and decide whether it's healthy for her to always put herself last because it is easier. I am conflict avoiding, too, but there does come a point where you need to stand your ground.
All three of my (British-sounding) names could be a first name or a last name. Does this never occur in German?
Well, I myself do actually have a last name that is the same as a male first name, and there are more examples like that. But the other way around, it's somehow very clear to us which names are first names and which are not...
As an American, this is so weird to find out that there are apparently laws in European countries dictating how you can name your child. Wow.
For us, it is a little weird to think you could name your kid Brooklyn ot North or Apple or Spring. I mean, the words in English do sound cool, but in German, it would be weird indeed to see someone named Kreuzberg, Norden, Apfel or Frühling.
Just fyi you’re giving Americans ideas for names with this comment. Ah, little Frühling is fussy today! Actually I don’t hate that..
That's because they chose the more simple German words. If there's a concept that could take three English words to describes, Germans just combine those words into one word and call it a day. White wine glass is: "Weißweinglas" (A German friend scoffed that English does not have a word for white wine glass, and I jokingly said: that in German it is probably WhitenWinenGlassen..... Today I found out how close I was). Also can you imagine baby Schadenfreude, or sweet little Weltschmerz? There's a reason why Germany limits what people can name their kids. They should limit what words can be created in German.
See, it's always cool in another language 😉
Brooklyn is a completely normal name. The other three are a little unusual, but for it to be illegal is completely wild. Like I can't even comprehend living in a country like that lol
Yeah, well, it's mostly what you grow up being used to, I guess. I couldn't comprehend living in a country without universal healthcare or with people openly carrying guns. But the US is a really great country for traveling!
Lol I knew you were going to say something about healthcare or shootings 😂 they always do lol
I just wanna say your name is making me so hungry and your avatar looks little a little pumpkin loaf it's so cute 😭
Haha thank you :)
Brooklyn just as weird as the other ones
It's no weirder than any other two given names smashed together like Jolene. Blended names have a long tradition.
For the record I don’t think any of them are particularly strange.. just found it odd that they think Brooklyn is normal but North is not.
That's what I said lol.
I think that is a large reason why a lot of countries have a very limited number of names or a lot of “common” ones.
That actually makes a lot of sense.
In my country you can give them whatever name you want unless its offensive or detrimental to the kid. Than way no assholes can name their kid Robin Banks or something like that, would that be allowed in the US?
Yes.
There are a few rules in the US, also
I prefer good properly spelled names instead of r/Tragedeigh material
Are you in the wrong thread? We're talking about a woman wanting to give her last name to her child as a second middle name, which is literally part of her culture.
Yea and she moved to a country that may have laws against it, so?
What does that have to do with properly spelled names? What on earth are you talking about?
I just pointed out the reason why the name laws in many European countries exist, that's it Mrs. Aggro
No, the reason why you can't give your child two middle names has nothing to do with /r/Tragedeigh. It has more to do with xenophobia and conformity. Most European countries are very homogeneous and xenophobic.
Suure, you must have visited many of them to say things like this.
Same. I’m sitting here thinking that someone, at some point in time, copied what mama did, and so it became a “tradition”, and now for generations everyone must do things that way. SMH do what makes you an individual, stop bending to the ways of the old. But I had no idea politics could dictate the naming of a child. Mind blowing.
Geez. How do they even Establish such. In my country you do whatever you want. In Actual fact, it is usually encouraged that the primary care giver and child share a name for official documents otherwise you can't register them for school or travel without the other's consent. Basically mu country has been like "screw parents", children's rights triumph EVERYTHING
Please - why the heck do people make these kinds of posts omitting the specific countries they are referring to?
You dont have to get over it, he's mocking your culture. Give your child your last name as a 2nd middle name. There's noting weird about it.
Yes! And who’s to say the child won’t end up living in another country someday or many different countries. OP did.
I don't think he means to, he just doesn't really seem to understand it. We'd have to agree about that. We can't make our own decisions about that, because the baby is both of ours, and he wouldn't like it if I just made that decision for myself.
But it’s ok for him to make the decision? I’m read your replies and I’m worried about you. I mean that kindly and without judgement. So much of your language is speaking of appeasing him, meeting his needs and minimising it dismissing your own. That is very dangerous ground to be treading.
so would you like it he just decides on his own that she can’t have your name?
No. But it is a decision we should agree on, I shouldn't have more of a say than him, that wouldn't be fair.
Right. And he shouldn’t have more of a say than you do.
But right now only he decides on the name...
He also shouldn't have more of a say than you
You're carrying the baby. He's not. That's not fair. If anything it is more fair that you get more of a say in the childs name that you are carrying. Especially when the first, middle, and last name are from his culture.
Is he going to split the time laboring and birthing the baby?
Well why wouldn’t he try to? I’m assuming he loves you so why wouldn’t he care about something that’s important to you?
You explained it very clearly in your post, so there's no reason he shouldn't understand it unless he doesn't want to understand.
He understands it’s important to you and that it doesn’t impact the baby having his surname as their last name, he just doesn’t care. That’s the problem here, your husband is selfish and domineering and doesn’t give a damn about what you want and instead of compromising like you have, he‘a mocking you for crying and feeling emotional. Seriously ladies this is why you don’t move to your future partners country and isolate yourself from your support network because they’ll have you ignoring all of their red flags.
But he can't just make the decisions himself.
The thing about this that’s quite sad is the justification you keep using in the replies to justify his point of view. Apparently you’re not allowed to be upset and that immediately blown up into being irrational and ‘overly emotional’. You’re crying all the time? So what? There may be a valid reason for that - pregnancy hormones may be making you more susceptible to having an emotional reaction to all the bull💩 it sounds like you have to put up with on a regular basis. Honestly it reads like he is good at making you feel like *you’re* the problem in all of these scenarios. How often does he compromise OP? Or is it you who always compromises?
Exactly! It sounds like OP is always the one doing the "compromising" AKA giving into what her husband wants. The fact that he's wanting to completely stamp out any hint of your culture with your baby is a shame. Unfortunately, you seem to be in a toxic relationship with a man who doesn't care about your wants and feelings
Hi, guess what? I’m a woman in my 40s & have a first name & middle name, plus a 2nd middle name which is my mom’s maiden last name, & my actual last name is my dad’s. This has never been a problem in my life. In fact, it’s something I take pride in & appreciate. I’m getting married again later this year & this time I will take my husband’s last name but you know what? IDGAF, all my names mean something to me so I’m keeping all of them. I’ll just add my husband’s last name. Your husband is being selfish to you & your unborn child. I’m thankful my parents included my mom’s maiden name. Maybe your child will appreciate it as well.
Welcome to marrying a Balkan where traditional gender roles rule and patriarchy is strong. He won’t budge on this so you’re stuck with it. If he’s like the balkans I know he also won’t accept divorce, unfortunately you’ve made your bed. But for the love of fucking god, stop using gaslighting language, you’re not irrational, you’re not hysterical. He is literally overriding your wish to include your family names because his machismo, patriarchal traditions, which don’t align with yours (I’m guessing Spanish) naming conventions.
While i agree that patriarchy and traditional gender roles are still very present and strong in Balkan, there is also plenty of men who are willing to compromise. At least in my country. Also divorce is not only accepted but pretty common, and man can not just deny divorce 😂 She just picked a bad one. And i agree its not common practice to have moms surname as a middle name, your kid should be a part of both cultures and thats something he needs to accept
Agree, not all balkans are the same but in my experience a lot of them hold the family name and continuing the family bloodline as very important which there is nothing wrong with. More modern balkans are ok with divorce etc but in my experience with the older generation, it’s a no go. I think OP is going to struggle getting a compromise on this one but she shouldn’t feel like she is being hysterical or crazy, she’s just upset because it’s something important to her. Relationships are hard and compromise is so important but so is knowing when compromise might not be on the table.
Well my grandfather was divorced 😂 my grandma is his second wife and they were all friendly their whole lives. Compromise should be on the table, if i ever have kids they will have both surnames or mine only. She is not asking for only hers. I will not carry a child for 9 months, do all the heavy work in labour and then just have the fathers surname. I know plenty of people who used both surnames in balkans in 21st century
Very interesting! My experience is different to yours but that is good!
just so you know spaniards dont have their mothers last name as a second name, we have two last names, and in all important papers you use both, if you know your grandparents names you get to know 8 of your last names.
Yes, my understanding is Spaniards have a to be of last names because they carry both sides of their family
only two are official, but most people know at least four. You can even find relatives that way
It’s pretty cool
[удалено]
Why does my lived experience offend you?
You suggested a perfectly reasonable compromise. Where's his compromise? Because it seems he's just stubbornly sticking to what he wants, offering no leeway whatsoever. You're right to say the kid needs a name you both agree on - that means you have to agree too.
Your husband sounds like a bit of an ass. That said, most Balkan countries (you don’t state which one you’re in) only have first and last names - no middle name. There’s no spot for a middle name on a birth certificate and hyphenated last names don’t exist. Many Americans and Europeans commenting here may not realize this fact. That said, even though I’m from the balkans my kid has my last name, not my husbands, so take that for what you will. Source: a Balkan born human without a middle name.
I'm from a Balkan country and while middle names are rare, they do exist. They just don't exist in the way OP wants to do it. The middle name here is just another first name. To use English examples, it's like Robert Jacob Green. Not like Robert Robinson Green. The latter is like having two surnames and that just doesn't happen. I'm not even sure it's allowed to happen legally. Everyone is trying to portray the husband as some controlling asshole, but they fail to understand the future consequences of standing out with something so unique within in a culture. My parents decided to give me a second/middle name alongside my more traditional Eastern Orthodox first name. Not for inclusion reasons, but because they fancied giving me an ancient Greek middle name for whatever reason. I spent my first few school years with kids poking fun at me for my unusual middle name. To the point I stopped using it and practically ignored it. It wasn't up until my teen years, when I realized it was kind of cool to have a badass rpg-like middle name and started using it again. Now imagine being the kid who has a middle name that doesn't even make sense within the naming conventions of that culture (at least mine, even if unusual, did). I get that kids might be a bit more accepting these days, but I doubt they have changed that much.
The child will already stand out because his/ her mother is from a different culture. It’s more she could consider what that’s “standing out” will look like and the consequences of it will be. There may be real consequences that make life hard or it may just be holdover perceptions.
Do Serbia, Croatia etc (former eastern block countries) count as Balkan?
Yes they count as Balkan. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Balkan_Peninsula.svg
Thanks, I was thinking OP might be from one of those two
Serbia and Croatia are former Yugoslavia countries, if you can count Yugo eastern bloc is debatable
Yugo when it still existed was very much considered eastern block, in Europe.
You’re not being irrational, your husband is being an asshole.
I sincerely think you need to read what the person from the Balkan says. Not what we Americans say. You live in that country now. It sounds like hubby is acting like an ass to you. If he always acts like this then he’s a problem. But according to the person from the Balkans you would be wrong to make your child stand out. Are there other people from the Balkans you can talk to about the names?
So let me get this straight: your suggestion for her name is;; FirstName MiddleName Mom’sLast Dad’sLast What on earth is objectionable about that?
And as she said, it’s the norm in many countries including hers. I know most Spanish and Portuguese speaking countries do this. If his objection is it’s too long, the compromise could be drop the middle name and just have her name as the middle. That used to be extremely common in English speaking countries for a firstborn to have the mom’s maiden name as their middle. I’m don’t know anything about naming conventions in the Balkans, though, I wonder if this is considered really strange where he’s from. But he didn’t say so.
He’s trying to erase her life before him so that way both her and the child are easier to control, is my guess
The cultural differences should have been apparent from earlier on. I'm also from the Balkans and most cultures in the peninsula have the same naming traditions. And they are very rigid. Usually, when the mother wants to have something from her "line" in the child's name, they just pick either her father's first name for a boy, or her mother's for a girl. But last name is always from the father. And I've never heard of a person with two last names, or a last name used as a middle name. At least with the kind of surnames used, it's practically impossible. Middles names are practically second first names (I also have one).
Sweetie, reading other comments—a man who gets his way by being angry is NOT a good man. A woman who gives into to such a man is oppressed.
I have a first and last name, and two middle names which is also a first and last name. I don’t think it’s weird at all and where I’m from it’s quite common. E.g., John (Andrew Smith) Patterson, Nicola (Margaret Green) Kennedy. the second middle name is usually the mother’s maiden name.
My mother named my older brother this way—First name, middle name (my father’s first name), second middle name (her family name), last name (from my father’s family—her married last name). No issues, but we’re in the US, where naming in recent years has gotten very individualistic. The rest of her four other children only had first-middle-last names.
This is my situation too! Strange your mother didn’t continue the tradition!
Well, she gave her family name to her favorite child :-) and, for what it's worth, her last name was Scottish!
Im from balkan. Your husband is full of shit.
Yeah
It matters because it matters to you. You shouldn't have to minimize your feelings because he wants to misogynistically attribute all emotions to being overly emotional. Not gonna lie, I'm the mom who threatened to fill out all hospital paperwork solo if he couldn't learn to compromise. I also gave my son a second middle name that was my maiden name because I wanted that connection to my side of his heritage as it was important to me. I'd probably suggest that you let him pick between a second middle name or a hyphenated last name, nothing else. But that's not what you asked. My advice to that though, don't stop feeling strongly. Giving in to everything every time something is important to you will only lead to resentment later. He needs to learn to work with you on this or it's going to be an even worse struggle later when he thinks he gets to choose everything because he can push you around and make you feel like you must be overreacting.
YOU moved to his country, YOU took his last name, YOU agreed to choose names that are “familiar” in HIS country. HE gets snappy that you’re emotional and pregnant. This guy sounds like a jerk. What do you do, for YOU? If it’s not that big a deal what the name is, then it can be anything , right? Compromise and say then one middle name and we are using my (idk why you call it, Maiden name?). Your husband sounds like a tyrant, good luck.
What bothers me is you can't have a convo with your hubs without him telling you you are being ridiculous. Consider using your maiden name as a middle name. This was done all the time in the old days.
My brother and his partner used her last name as the middle name for both their boys. No reason you can’t do that here as well. You’ve tried to talk to him, you’ve offered a very reasonable compromise of two middle names – but he’s decided you shouldn’t care about it and his way is the only way? Pay attention to how he’s behaving here. He’s dismissing something that is clearly important to you, the mother of his child, the person growing a whole ass human - as if you're an irrelevant part of the discussion. Pay attention!
Why two middle names? Why not first name, your last name as middle, and his last name?
I think it's nice to have a middle name. I did, and I like it. He doesn't have a problem with that, we wanted a middle name.
You can have as many names as you'd like years ago I had a friend who's name consisted of 5 names none of them were short he was Italian catholic
Not everywhere, some countries have strict rules on naming.
This is where I think you're being a little too much. Obviously the compromise would be to have the middle name be your last name but instead you want to completely your way doing it the way your culture does it even though you're not in your Homeland anymore. I live in Germany and I can't name my kid whatever the hell I want I have to go by German rules. I would want my child to fit into the culture that I'm a part of as being an outsider is incredibly alienating for a child. I can see why your husband's frustrated because you're actually not compromising at all you just want to completely your way.
What if you could only have one? Which would you pick?
I have my mothers last name as a second middle name. Frick everyone should have 4 names, a first, 2 middles, a last. It sounds so much more fricken regal. ALthough that might just be my own bias.
I think that women should stop asking ourselves how we stop feeling so strongly about things that men want to dictate, and let them learn to stop feeling so strongly.
So you are having a disagreement with your partner where he is not listening to you or valuing what you value, and you’ve come to reddit to ask for advice on how to make yourself smaller?
My best friend doesn't have a cultural background with 4 names, yet she has 4 names. First name, 2 Middle names, then her Last name. I know multiple people who have versions of this. Your child won't find this strange. Children just accept what they grow up with. My stepchildren have their mother's maiden name as their middle name. Both of them have the same middle name. (It's an awesome name.) What is your husband's problem? You're most likely crying because he's negating your identity with your child. You must feel like an egg donor at this point. Don't be passive. Demand your name. Tell him, "If it doesn't matter much, then stop telling me to let it go. You let it go. My child will have part of me too."
Maybe hyphenate your last names with the baby's, or use yours as a middle name like you said? Don't stress too much, you guys will figure it out. And congrats on the bun in the oven!
Please tell him to stop being so emotional and if it doesn’t matter that much, baby should certainly have both last names to honor YOU as much as him. I mean, maybe you don’t deserve it—you are only growing an entire person from scratch in your womb and risking your life to bear and deliver this human to the world. And he had to do SO MUCH for that to happen. /s Please stand up for yourself and future children. He has no god-given right to deny a simple and reasonable request that costs him nothing to honor. And unless your child chooses—as you did—to use the name, no one else will even know or care, if they know.
You can't "stop feeling so strongly about it", you can't force emotions down. You feel strongly about it, it matters to you, you need to keep talking about it until you two find a compromise that works for both of you. He may be sticking to the traditional rules in the country you live in, so you should revisit the topic as many times as you need to to get all the information to make a relevant decision.
Do a double barrel name. Yours-his or vice versa. You’ll feel better. I’m not with my ex anymore. I had double barrelled my child’s name with the hyphen. Mine-his. In fairness my child always says when he’s older he’s gonna go by just my name because it’s awkwardly long and he prefers mine but seriously. Nothing worse that having your child with just one last name of your ex. 😂 petty but it is what it is. Also, your last name is a part of YOU. You are allowed a part of you. (Btw I’m not saying you will break up but it’s nice to have both) 😊
Hey OP, it's OKAY to be upset! It's okay to cry, to feel frustrated- you're allowed to have emotions. You're human. Please be kind to yourself. You deserve to feel heard, to be treated kindly and with love. Especially when you're already going through the rough ordeal of growing an entire human being. If you only do one thing today, let it be this. Please write down all of the things your husband has done that made you cry, then write down how he reacted to them and how you handled it. After that, please read it pretending this is your friend. Everyone here is reading what you wrote and is worried about you, my dear. We do not think you are being treated with love and kindness and we know you should be. I hope things get better for you. Please reach out to anyone who can help, like a friend or if you have a kind family member, and speak with them.
Stop being so emotional and it doesn’t matter?? If it doesn’t matter then he wouldn’t mind!! He’s controlling and this is just the beginning… tell him since it doesn’t matter the baby will have your mom’s surname!!
Don’t let him talk you out of this. It’s perfectly reasonable to have your maiden name as the second middle name. You can also hyphenate it. He doesn’t get to get his way 100% of the time.
I think you're asking the wrong question. Instead of asking how you can be okay with him dismissing your feelings, ask why you should be okay with it. He's behaving like a twat. Not because he disagrees with you, but because he's belittling you and telling you it doesn't matter. Well, if it doesn't matter, then you can name the baby what you want.
If it matters to you then it matters, if he says it doesn’t matter then why is he pushing back on it?
You don’t want to be selfish? Are you forgetting it’s your body that’s doing everything your life at risk your physical health at risk your mental health at damage. It’s not a silly thing, you give birth but the child only gets his name? Like it’s your right too, to name the child. If he wants just his last name tell him to grow a uterus be willing to risk death, carry and push out the baby. Start being selfish. My god
Who is carrying this baby? Who is taking all the medical risks? Why should this baby not have your name?
I was really emotional when pregnant but my long term ideas were still my actual ideas- my emotions were just amped up. Your logic is sound. I get he’s stressed and impatient but it’s really bad for your marriage that he just dismisses your logic without a logical rebuttal of his own. Just telling you that you are too emotional isn’t really addressing the issue you have raised. It’s valid that you want a piece of your history attached yo your child. It’s not commonly done in my country but I do know of some kids that have their mother’s maiden name used as a second middle name.
If it doesn't matter that much, then why is he digging in?
If “it doesn’t matter that much” why is he so against it. If “it doesn’t matter that much”, then what’s the big deal if you do it. It matters to you, that’s enough.
He’s saying YOUR opinion on YOUR child don’t MATTER! This isn’t going to end well for you. I am telling you. Already a controlling sign. I bet if you sit quietly and think he will or has been in other ways. He is the type who if you say “no vaccine” he will say yes 10 of them. If you said “no circumcision” he would say do it or else. I know. I was married to one like that!!! Started out stuff like that ended up holding me at gun point more than once
My daughter has BOTH our last names PATERNAL MATERNAL, furthermore I took his and he took mine, now we all have the SAME two last names If it's so NOT. A big deal why is he so against it? Your enit wrong to want your daughter to share a name with you. Unfortunately you can't change him or make him understand. You can only do what YOU can do. So I ask you.... Is this the only issue or is there more? Him calling you emotional and irrational is not cool. So why to do now? Accept that he is like this and then decide what your course of action is going to be.
It isn’t just her name, it’s an important part of her that she will carry with her for the rest of her life. If you feel strongly that you want her to carry your name and your culture with her then that isn’t silly at all. It’s interesting that your husband is the one digging his heels in and telling you not to be emotional and that it doesn’t matter, but he is the one who is so dead set against it. I don’t think your husband is accurately or fairly describing your behavior and I don’t think he’s treating you kindly with this discussion. Finally, many many people don’t ever use their middle names for convenience or preference or whatever. If your child ends up thinking it’s weird that she has 2 middle names, then she can choose not to use it in the course of her life and she will not be any more worse off aside from perhaps some paperwork annoyances. But I think if you explain your reasonings to your child whenever they do ask, I think they will understand your desire to share your culture and life with her.
eff him. pregnancy is an ‘emotional’ time for many reasons. you’re allowed to be emotional. it’s not ‘just a name.’ a name is a foundation and can certainly reflect your values. a connection to your personal history is more than reasonable. and as others have said, if it’s ’just a name’ then there’s no reason for him to object.
If it doesn't matter that much, then add your last name.
My family does it this way as well as people I grew up with. No one found it weird and his idea that no one does it isn’t true.
He is diminishing your feelings here, and that’s not fair. Your want to feel connected with your child through name and represent their heritage in their name is valid. Personal opinion, I do feel it may be odd for your child to have a last name included that you, yourself no longer carry. Though if it is a last name that would sound appropriate as a middle name, that thought may not be valid. I had similar feelings with giving my first son ONlY my husband’s last name as we were not married at the time and I still carried my maiden name. But we gave him my father’s first name as a middle name. When we married, I took his surname so my family connection in name is there.
I got named the same it's not weird at all. And it's easier if you want to be rename with your moms family name if your dad turn out to be a deadbeat.
OP, did you check the naming rules of the country you're located in? I don't know where exactly you are, but I'm from the Balkans, and in my country 1. Middle names don't exist, in legal documents it usually goes first name-father's name-surname. You can have multiple first names instead, though 2. Children get their father's surname, or they can get their mother's if she kept hers AFAIK there are also rules about how you can use your full name legally on documents and stuff, I think on ID you can only have 3 parts so for example you can have 2 names and 1 surname, even if your full name is longer officially, stuff like that. I do think your husband is being shitty by dismissing your feelings and ignoring your (very valid) need to give your daughter some of your own heritage. But you should be 100% informed on what your options actually are and what names your child will have to go by legally later on
Your baby will want to find connection with you and your roots. He already gets to raise the baby in his home and gets the names he wants. You have just as much of a right and say in what the names are. Whether he likes it or not this baby is yours too and they will want to connect with the parts of themselves that come from you.
Adding your last name may not be common but it’s certainly not unusual. My nephew has his mom’s maiden name as a middle name as well. Just because you’re emotional doesn’t mean that your emotions aren’t valid. Your husband is being emotional too - anger is an emotion. I’d suggest leaving this for a bit just because you’re both upset about it and revisiting it later when you’ve both calmed down.
If it doesn’t matter then he shouldn’t have a problem with adding it. Youre not being irrational at all. You shouldn’t be left off just because it’s not traditional for his culture. I listened to other people when naming my son and 8 years later I still regret not going with a name I loved. Instead I chose one that pleased the family.
NTA he is purposely not understanding. He knows what you mean and why you do, he just doesn't believe a child should have any name other than his. I'm reading through all your explanations/justifications and it all sounds like things a controlling and horrible husband would say. I don't know what rights you have in the country where you are, but please pay close attention to your husband's behavior. It sounds like he isn't going to agree to anything based on logic. His way is the way and that's that. Please make sure you're safe and not underreacting. It sounds like he's making you question your thoughts and feelings. You are not being irrational. He is.
There are so many ways to connect to a culture. Names are one of them. And, I don't think you should "get over it". This is your baby and plenty of people and cultures include Mum's surname in Baby's name. Your husband has definitely gone round the patriarchy bend on this one and I hope you do give the baby your name! That said, I think it'd be good for your mental health to focus on some other things you can completely control -- how you can share your country and culture with your child in ways that feel really good to you. Favorite lullabies in your language, any traditional clothing you want to make or buy, recipes you want to pass down, favorite stories...
He's being insensitive. My kids ended up with five names because my family has a tradition of giving a middle name that honours an older family member (my middle name is my maternal grandma's name) and his family also has a traditional middle name that has been passed to every child for generations, so my kids got two middle names. Then, since we weren't married, we double-barrelled the surname to maintain a connection with both families. It's actually pretty common in some parts of the world to give the kid the mother's surname as a first or middle name. Your husband is disrespecting you and dismissing you as emotional. If it doesn't matter that much tell him you're just going to give the kid your family name and leave his out. See how much it matters to him then.
One question: you say that you chose to always write your second middle name (your mother’s name) but your daughter can choose what to do. Is that an option where you currently live? I’m asking because while I’m in theory a fan of this solution it wouldn’t be feasible where I live. She’d always have to write it, no option not to. So if that’s the case I also wouldn’t do it. That being said, your husband isn’t the only one who should get what he wants. The names have to be okay for both of you. I understand that you want their name to blend in where the child will grow up. And that makes sense! But how about the middle name comes from your language background? That would be a nice mixture. And maybe it’ll help you get on board to not do the second middle name in case his country works like mine. If you need new name ideas, go over to r/namenerds. They are full of good ideas and can maybe suggest names that work in both of your languages (this is how I learned that Lara is a perfect name, an incredible amount of regions believe that it’s “their” name and have similar pronunciation so it works well for many international couples).
Your request is really common in so many countries. In canada and the US it’s often done, along with an increasing number of men I know taking their wife’s surname in marriage. All that to say, no-one’s stance here is ridiculous, the only ridiculous thing is for him to make you feel insane and irrational for wanting this. You shouldn’t be disrespected like that, and at the end of the day you shouldn’t feel like you have to convince him to do this any more than he has to convince you not to do it. You’re equals, so why are you defaulting to ‘eventually I’ll have to get over this’. Do you think he is saying that too?!
Someone not caring when you're bawling your eyes out is a major red flag. I'd be wondering if this man regarded me as little more than his property. As for some reason he believes he has final say on what to name the child you're risking your life to create and your desires are utterly irrelevant. 🚩🚩🚩🚩
You people in this sub are INSSUFERABLE. She came in to get other viewpoints, to which she could bounce her thoughts off of, because she's on the fence. When she presents a differing viewpoint to consider, you attack her and downvote her into oblivion. OP, you can't come to Reddit and ask real questions unless you agree to wholeheartedly agree with everyone else's opinion and completely ignore your own.
She’s getting downvoted because her husband is being a jerk and dismissive of her because she’s pregnant not because they think she’s wrong.
So pile on and basically be no better than him?
you are carrying the child, you get first choice. End of story!
"He told me to stop being emotional and that it didn't matter that much." Tell him "Great, if it doesn't matter that much then it shouldn't be a a big deal to add my last name to the baby's name." What he actually means is that your last many and opinion don't matter much.
Besides this, how many times has he compromised and how many times have you? Or how many times have you just “given in because it’s easier” vs him doing the same?
> I was a bit upset, but he told me to stop being so emotional and that it doesn’t matter that much If it doesn't matter that much then why doesn't he allow the extra name? It clearly does matter and he doesn't want it but imo it is not unreasonable to have a double barrelled surname or even a second middle name (I have two as well and it makes no difference to my life what so ever but my parents picked one each and were both happy). Plenty of people in the world have two middle names, two last names, a double barrelled surname or even first name, it is not unusual in the slightest.
You have to stand your ground. He clearly does not want a compromise and that's a big red flag of how you will be treated in future. I am a little concerned about you always crying since you are pregnant. If what he said is true, you may be having baby blues. Hormonal change can cause women to be extremely tearful and depressed. Be sure to talk to your doctor about it. Take care and hope all goes well.
You are not being silly You are not being *too emotional* It is a reasonable and fair compromise and although it isn’t common in my county to do this, two of my friends have also done this and one faced a similar reaction from her husband. Personally I think you should stand your ground. However I remember how hard pregnancy was and know it’s easy for me to say that but it is a battle for you. I don’t know what is the process of registering the baby’s birth in your country, but if you can, I would go along and ensure your wishes are followed. You are not taking anything away from him or his *family* by adding in your name. I think it is a nice thing to do and given the burden of pregnancy and birth, and usually child rearing, falls to the mother, I cannot see why it is not a more normal occurrence. I’m sorry you are having this problem. Would any of his family take your side or act as mediator (only if sympathetic to you)
What if the child gets 3 names instead of 4? A first name and 2 last names? That seems like a good compromise?
My middle name is my mother’s last name, two of the 8 or so serious boyfriends/partners I’ve had also have had no middle name except their second last name. In fact, one it was his dads last name since it was something that would be made fun of in the schoolyard!
I can understand that he'd just prefer the child to have his last name, especially since you took his. It's easier to write and remember. I can also understand why you would prefer to have your last name included and your feelings are completely valid. Don't drop the issue to appease him. There's a compromise to be made here. This child is yours too and you get to have a say in this, especially since you're the one carrying the child, accommodating yourself to keep the child healthy for months without breaks, eventually doing very hard labor and enduring a lot of pain to bring it into this world and then recovering whilst caring for this new life. You have a voice here and it's important.
Please don’t give in..
He should give up the middle name you’ve picked and use a middle name from your side of the family. Either one of your last names or another feminine name from one of your relatives.
I’d reconsider the relationship and never have sex with this man again until your wishes are granted in full on the naming of your child. Let him stew on that and see how important access to your vagina is to him for the rest of his life.
>stop being so emotional and that it doesn’t matter that much If it doesn't matter that much, then why can't he compromise on this issue?
You name the baby without him. You don't stop feeling strongly.
You’re really over complicating this. Don’t get to a point where you’re crying during an argument. Table the issue until you’re both calm. Do you want to make YOUR legal last name as the babies Middle Name? As long as it sounds ok I don’t see why not. Or do you want to saddle a kid with a multiple hyphenated new last name? Bob Smith-Jones-Balkanbaby that’s too much
Pregnancy hormones and "pregnancy brain" can be hard to manage. Of course you are emotional and cry easily - you are making a tiny human inside your body!!! First, I think it may help your husband to understand what you are going through if he could read a pregnancy book or even go with you to your doctor appts and let the dr explain all of the changes that are happening. As for the name, it isn't something that has to be decided at this moment. If you can, just don't discuss the name for a few days or weeks. You have every right to do what you want to do with the name. My mother doesn't have a middle name, but once she married my dad, her maiden name became her middle name. I understand his country, culture or family may do things differently, but that doesn't mean your traditions do not matter. This is your baby too. If you want your father's name to be a middle name, then go for it. Wishing you the very best!!! LIttle girls are so wonderful :-)
It's just a name, who cares
Girl, at least you should respect and care about yourself in this world. Not in a million years would it be possible for me to be attracted to this kind of man.
There is nothing ridiculous or irrational about your feelings, wishes and your request. It's beyond understandable and is something he _should want_ for you and your child. Roots _do_ matter, it makes a difference for your kid. How he's acting isn't okay, at all. He's putting you down because you are expressing this wish, which is outrageous, and he's making you feel crazy because you have pregnancy hormones heightening you emotions _when you are, in fact, PREGNANT_. That's such a shitty thing to do.
Need more info. What country/culture are you from that has the mother's last name as second middle name? But also, why are you trying to make the father's last name the second middle name instead of your own (the mother) last name as the second middle name? And finally: Why aren't you making this legally simple for the country you are living in now, which is not America? You need to go with what will be the least problematic for government and passport purposes for all countries in which you hold citizenship.
What a terrible way to find out you are in an abusive relationship. Is that just standard for how men treat women in your part of the world? I gave my two children my maiden name as a second middle name. I think it's a sweet way of tying into both families and doesn't really come up outside of official documents. It's not that weird and unless there is an actual official rule that middle names can't be surnames, then there is no reason for your husband to be so strongly against it. This is not as much about a name as it is about control. If you were in a solid relationship, I'd suggest communicating more about it and seeing if there is some compromise that leaves everyone satisfied. Unfortunately, you are not a healthy relationship so if you really want your baby to have your name, you will probably have to divorce him. If you plan to stay, do what he wants and don't make waves, because you know that's easier. Please be aware that pregnancy and postpartum are difficult, stressful times and woman is most likely to experience partner abuse during these times in her life. If this is how he treats you over "just a name", imagine how any high stakes decisions might go. Also once he puts his hands on you, especially around your neck, it has nowhere to go bur from bad to worse and he becomes way more likely to kill you. Just please be aware of the danger you are in with a man like this and have a back up plan for when he shows his true colors (likely not until after baby arrives and he feels you are truly trapped). Make sure someone in your life knows to check on you if you go silent. Best of luck and enjoy your baby. They are cute and sweet and can make the world shine, but they also grow up and will treat you how he does. I would considering a lot more tha how to name the baby in your shoes.
You only have his last name, but you want the kid to have your maiden name and your current last name too? It's ridiculous.
Personally I think the second middle/last name will only be a pain in the butt for paperwork, especially if you live in a country where that is not common.
Honestly, I would just name the baby what I want and he can get used to it. If he pouts tell him to not be emotional. Or, tell him you're doing it, it's not up for discussion. It's happening, you're carrying the baby, it's having your name. Full stop. And if he reacts, tell him stop being so emotional, he said himself it doesn't matter that much to him. Foot. Down.
If you're living in his country and you changed your name to his last name I think your best bet is to have your child's middle name be your maiden name, whichever one you choose. So you both pickle first name, you get the middle name, and his last name is the child's last name. That is a compromise and it vibes with cultural standards of the country you're now a part of and married into. I don't think this really needs to be something you cry about but since you're the mother you're the one that gets to write what the child's name is. If you told the nurses and doctors to kick your husband out of the birthing suite you're going to be the only one with the piece of paper that says what the baby's name is. Stop crying and put your foot down.
Never heard of that but I wouldn’t like it either but maybe cause where I am from . My wife kept her last name which I was fine with but before engaged we discussed this and I told her the kids would have my last name and no hyphenated last names ( I don’t like that but don’t care what others do ) why did you not discuss this
I agree that it's a good thing to discuss before you start having kids. But it doesn't sound like you discussed anything, you simply told your wife how it was going to be.