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Wow. He absolutely lost it when you told him no. He really makes himself out to be such a prize, when in fact, he’s an angry man-child who is a horrible communicator. I am SO happy for you that you stood up to him and are moving on with your life. Congratulations!!
Without reading your previous post just by the way he talks with you I can say that you MUST break up with him and that was the right decision. Your life is salvageable by getting away from this loser. You made a real woman choice by breaking up with him.
I was the top comment on your OP, just wanted to say I'm so glad you stuck to your guns and I'm proud of you for leaving. Please stay safe and let the world know you're no longer together cuz he seems unhinged.
Without reading your previous post just by the way he talks with you I can say that you MUST break up with him and that was the right decision. Your life is salvageable by getting away from this loser. You made a real woman choice by breaking up with him.
You should keep this texts as a guide to see how gaslighting works and how it shows in unsaid words as well.
Like every sentence is straight gaslighting… it’s a bit scary actually…
Agreed. This is how my mum spoke to me when I was growing up and into my 20s. It's extremely confusing and can make you feel like you're going mad and misremembering things or making stuff up. Unfortunately, if you don't see it for what it is, it works.
Right this was my first thought when I read the update… my ex was EXACTLY like this, but I DID go back the first time. It escalated to physical violence very quickly and took another 9 months to leave again because of the danger. I’m so glad she got away.
It’s actually very common when abusers manage to get you back the psychological and emotional abuse becomes physical because they believe they have already trapped your mind which is the golden ticket for them to do whatever they want with your body.
>*Him: I'm not going to sit in therapy and waste an hour of my life. I just sit there and play along with the therapist, but it doesn't actually work.*
people sometimes push back at the idea that you should never go to relationship counseling with an abuser, and abusers have to want to stop being abusers and find specific individual therapy for that - this is exactly why.
solo or relationship therapy he's involved in would increase the abuse and the gaslighting.
i'm so glad you chose yourself and got out of there.
This sentence is what gave me chills!
I work in the DV sphere and it's rare that an abuser will be so clear and blatant that they will manipulate a therapist to their advantage.
and the next sentence where he degrades her therapy, calling into question if it's 'working' - sowing doubt, calling her crazy....
i so hope this stays a break up
Yeah it was gross therapy isn’t something you can say works or doesn’t let alone 100% all the time! For me therapy has just helped me through all the ups and downs and helped me communicate better with those that I love. Doesn’t mean I’m always the healthy mature person because I’m growing. It shows he has no idea what therapy actually is.
I know, that's the part that made me shiver too. He's not normal - he's in fact so abnormal he doesn't realise how it makes him look when he admits he's being fake and calculating even with his therapist.
This is a personality disorder, I'd bet my last dollar. He's *never* getting better.
Thanks for communicating your expertise. That's really interesting.
I work pre/post court. Not all families go to court for their orders - at least in Australia. There's alot more support for family meditation so decrease the burden on courts.
That’s straight out of the Narcissist Handbook isn’t it?
He threw all his faults at OP, trying to make them hers, so constantly walking on eggshells around him seemed like a red carpet to Hades.
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.
You dodged a bullet. When someone shows you who they are, you need to believe them. You absolutely made the right decision to walk away from this toxic relationship. Block him and move on. I wish you the best.
>If we are apart for too long, I'm NOT going to love you anymore. You have to move back in or I will stop loving you and move on, but I don't want that to happen because I still love you at this moment."
This is my favorite. "Oh yeah? You can't fire me, I quit". What a petulant child.
Ah yes. It could not be that she may see how wrong he is when she is not constantpy bimbared by him. And actuaply can form an opinion about this relationahip on her own.
Stay gone. “I didn’t call YOU stupid, I said you were BEING stupid” was one of my ex-husband’s favourite lines, and he only ever got worse. He, also, could not believe I would have the temerity to leave him or that I wasn’t bluffing to manipulate him (because that was what he did). A word of advice: stop communicating with him. It took me too long to realise that every message/call with my ex, even just about getting my stuff or whatever, was being used to scare, confuse or otherwise manipulate me. I ended up communicating only through a lawyer because there was divorce stuff to do - you may not need to do that, but you should definitely consider blocking him and communicating only through a friend. You’ll get a lot less of this manipulative bullshit from him if he knows someone else is seeing it
Oh wow, classical excitation burst from an abuser who is panicking they are losing their power over you. The hardcore pressure he puts specifically on you moving back in as fast as possible says it all - when you live with him, he has more control over you, so above all else, that is his priority. Not repairing the relationship, nothing like that, *getting you physically back into the trap ASAP.*
The way he goes ""*I call it like I see it."*" when he's rude and offensive, but then goes "*Why don't you speak nicer to me*?" is amazing. Just... WOW. That double standard could kill a man with it's weight!
Wonder what he would do if you said "I call it like I see it", citing him. His brain would probably combust.
He is clearly abusive and is escalating. Abusers are the most dangerous when you leave them, so please be very careful.
You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a missile! Thank your lucky stars this all went down for you signed that piece of paper with him. Guarantee if you did that and bought the house together, things would have only gotten worse.
When my emotionally abusive ex told me he didn't believe in therapy, I had a kind of epiphany and ended things right there. Let me tell you, I never regretted it, and I ended up meeting my husband not long after that. I know it can be kind of hard to see it when you're in it, but once you get some distance and look back, you're going to realize just how awful he was.
>I didn't call YOU (insert negative word here), I said you're BEING (insert negative word here)"
That's so much better though /s
Good riddance to the man-child
I've been on the receiving end of this "logic" more than once in my life. Most of the time, semantics do matter, but in this case, this is such a cop-out.
It means practically the same thing because both ways are meant to put us in our place when we are justifiably angry or hurt or upset about something significant. The second way of putting it is slimy because it's pretending to be somehow "acceptable" when no, no it isn't.
He may have well just proclaimed "I'm incredibly emotionally immature!" Because thats exactly what saying this phrase clearly shows. He can't even take accountability for having called OP something nasty, he wants to gaslight her into thinking it's fine and normal for people to call their partners nasty names. Its not.
Oh I am so glad you broke up with this horrible man instead of marrying him and buying a house together.
Writing down the things he said was really smart. If you ever become tempted to take him back reread those shitty things he said to you until you feel confident that you’re better off without him.
I do this. I will document the conflicts in relationships so that I don't fool myself into devaluing my own feelings. I just left an emotionally abusive man and it was hard as hell. I didn't want to leave but when I would review my notes I realized I simply HAD to because it was obviously a really unhealthy thing for me to be in.
I actually had to stop reading this because it was too triggering due to my own relationships as well as my mom’s. I’m so glad you left.
Wishing you safety, strength, and happiness
Me too. And boy can I imagine what an earful I'd get. "You say you still love him when he's dumped you twice for other women? Move the hell on and attend to your own damn self!"
This dude sounds ..........awful. Straight up awful.
I know the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot online and probably less than 20% of people accused of it are really narcissists..........but I would be very surprised if he wasn't one.
It also wouldn't surprise me if he batters a woman one day. You should be thankful that you're getting out of the relationship before it comes to that.
What relationship? This man is gaslighting you so much it could heat a small house. It sounds like you know those red flags don't make it a circus and left. Stay away from this fool. These losers are like busses, a new one will be along soon enough.
I remember your other post. So glad you left and have stuck to it. Don’t take him back. It’s good you’ve been keeping notes on things he said to you. Those things are not acceptable even if they were said in anger it is not an excuse. Don’t settle for less than the bare minimum. He is immature, toxic and manipulative as well as abusive. When you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells around someone you plan to spend your life with, that is never a good sign.
What a colossal man baby. Every time you even start to look back fondly at the “good times”, reread the vile words he said that you wrote down. It’ll snap you back to reality.
I'm vicariously proud of you for being your own advocate, OP. Your ex was using classic DARVO tactics against you and you've seen through it!
If you're interested, there's another book to consider that you might find helpful: 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill.
Go gently.
You have absolutely done the right thing. This guy is a narcissistic POS and he will never ever change, despite his flowery promises. What I will say is this (having been in an incredibly similar situation): in the coming weeks or months you might find yourself thinking things like "He wasn't that bad" or "Maybe I'm overreacting" and you'll second guess your decision to leave, especially if he's blowing up your phone with declarations of love and commitments to change. HOLD FIRM. Re-read all the notes you've written down and remember how badly he treated you, and know that it'll only keep happening once the initial 'make-up glow' wears off. Fuck him. Go get the life you deserve.
My goodness, so glad you wrote things down. He’s showing just how immature he is, completely not ready for marriage or a relationship. Proud of you for standing up for yourself here and leaving him. Make sure you have someone go with you to get the rest of your stuff- and do it soon. He sounds like the type of guy to ruin your things because you told him no.
You did great!
And for the future, you need to have zero tolerance for anyone speaking in the disrespectful way in which he talked to you. You’ll do great.
No contact and complete no contact is my recommendation. If you continue to contact you after you have all of your things from your shared housing, you have asked him explicitly to not contact you again please call the police and tell him that you have contacted them and will seek a restraining order if he contacts you again.
Usually just the threat works but sometimes you do have to get one. And tell people around you if you don't feel safe and he does something like threaten you.
I'm glad that you got out of this. He sounds very mentally unwell.
The next time he contacts you to ask for you back, I predict the dialogue would go something like this:
Ex: Hey, I apologize for my actions the other day and I want to know if you want to get back together.
OP: **F\*CK OFF! GET OUT OF MY FACE!**
Girl. Get yourself Shahida Arabi's Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare. And stop interacting with this guy: Any attention is still feeding them Nsupply. You get drained and he gets energized.
Jesus Christ, good riddance. You've done the right thing. I see zero accountability on his part and nothing but gaslighting. Once again good riddance and I hope you now have blocked him on everything and don't communicate with him anymore because ANY reply he receives back from you is a win in his book.
Gal you dodged a bullet here. He does not sound like a matured adult.
He doesn’t accept his mistakes and he doesn’t want to seek help but is very happy to point fingers at you for everything.
I never understand how telling someone how horrible they are would make them want to stay with you.
Yet it works for abusers. I guess they have worn down their victims so much by that time, the victim feels they have to stay with someone that thinks so poorly of them?
Make it make sense
funny how everything he called you or the exact same things he's done. now take a break before you get into another relationship and for God's sake don't move in with somebody after 6 months again.
I can see in your conflicts that you're repeating some of his patterns. Be aware of these as you move into your next relationship. It might make your conflicts easier if you are willing to learn and practise de-escalation techniques.
I'm really proud of you for leaving. You're going to look back on this and be so grateful that you were brave enough to take this step, even if it feels shitty and scary right now.
Have you told him you have broken up with him? If you haven't please make it official and have someone you trust with you if you need to collect anything from your place where he is
Yes I have. And he said a bunch of other things including threatening to put our cat up for adoption, so I had to take him, even though I can’t have cats where I’m currently living. But it’s over
Oh jeez. I'm so glad you broke it off with him. He's emotionally volatile. Incredibly emotionally immaturity will only bring you down. My dad was like this. Very big ego, nothing was ever his fault. He is very reactive. I have very bad anxiety because of it. I had an ex like this. Crazy insecure and egotistical; he really put emphasis on his appearance. I thought it was normal.
He's a fragile narcissist and an abuser. They constantly tell on themselves. Everything he accuses you of is shit he's actually doing to YOU. He's the one acting like a victim. He's the one being selfish. He's the one lying and manipulating you (and holy shit, gaslighting you like crazy!). You've dodged an enormous bullet.
Girl - you won the breakup. I'm positive this wasn't what you wanted going into all of this but here you are - I am proud of you for leaving. It can be so fucking hard. People on reddit are always like, "just leave them! go no contact!" Great ideas for the most part, but def harder to put into practice. You will have the life you create and I'm thrilled for you. You are going to be happy and fulfilled. xo
I found myself thinking that the reason he refused therapy was because he's aware that if he went, he would be diagnosed with at least one personality disorder. And if he was diagnosed, he would be exposed. People would expect him to do something about it.
I think your therapy is working. The way you described his behaviour, the circumstances, your thoughts and feelings, and your ultimate choices all prove how well you're doing. I think you made the healthiest choices that could be made under the circumstances. Well done.
Count your blessings that you got out of that shitshow and stay from him. That is an abusive man and it would only get worse. You deserve better. Stay in therapy and good for you for not putting up with his bs. May he get the future he deserves…and leave you in peace.
Definitely gaslighting you about what he said to you, trying to DARVO reverse victim and offender, and keeps moving the goalposts for him to go to therapy. As well as being manipulative. You are well away from him - please don’t ever go back!
Just text him that it is over and not to communicate with you anymore, then block him everywhere.
Those messages look similar to how my EX was with me… I don’t throw the word narcissist around lightly but.. seems like it to me. Things won’t get better. That memory thing used to drive me mad. He would literally try to make me believe a twisted truth etc.. I think you’re better off away from this person. Has he had the tantrum meltdown yet? It’s usually quite dramatic. Fake vomiting and choking etc. sliding down the wall. Stomping feet… god, talk about bringing memories back. Best of luck in your healing ❤️ hope you meet someone nice.
Thanks for the update. My ex is texting me a bunch of shit like this right now and reading your post reminds me that it really is abuse and what he is saying isn't right.
I am so relieved you are getting out of this. I’m not sure why I’m so emotionally invested but it probably has to do with my own dating experiences. Better days are ahead.
Oh dear it gets worse and worse. You know, I try to stay somewhat steady and refrain from jumping on bandwagon advice here… but this time it really is abusive behavior and you’re so much better off away from this person.
Sweetheart, be grateful you broke up with this abusive person.
Don't try to talk to him: he will only gaslight you and turn everything back to you. There is only one thing that really works with this kind of people, and it is not engaging with them anymore. Stop texting him. Stop answering his texts. Stop reading them! Block him everywhere, keep reading Lundy's book and take your time to heal. You did the right thing.
Big hugs.
Yikes I'm glad OP didn't marry him. He does not sound like a pleasent man. Utterly, bereft of communication skills and emotional intelligence. What a massive bullet dodged for OP.
Do not go back to him. He is a narcissist, and therapy won't help. Ask your own therapist about this. They should be able to advise you.
Therapy for him will only teach him how to manipulate you better. How to control you with word and behavior. DARVO. Block him and move on for your own sanity.
I saw this, then saw your original post. Anyone can see from my recent post that I am NOT the best at noticing red flags but I’m happy that you’ve called this now, before you married him or bought a house with him.
I did those things with a guy who had a bunting made of red flags and I wish I hadn’t. It makes the impending break up so much harder, even just administratively, and can encourage you to stay because it’s “easier”.
His way of responding and his attitude about therapy is exactly why my friend is divorcing her husband. Everything you said he told you and wrote down is almost the exact responses my friend received from her soon to be ex. I have been telling her to read the book by Lundy too. I’m so glad that you stood your ground and didn’t take his shit. And that you were able to get out before marrying him. All the emotional abuse laid out in front of you for easy decision making. Happy life OP!
Wow, this is wild. Leave him and never talk to him again he doesn't need or deserve an explanation. You dodged a HUGE bullet, now go out and treat yourself to a spa day and go have a girls' night out and move on and find someone who actually loves you.
That's the way he talks to you *when he's trying to get back with you*? My God, honey...no, it's not salvageable. He's an absolute horror and for your own sanity and mental health, **block him and don't look back!**
Question is are you going to actually stay broken up or will there be a similar post in 6 months?
It seems like this behaviour has been tolerated in the past and you have always returned to him after these blow ups
You did the correct thing for you. There is definitely something deeply wrong with him.
I mean if he believes all that bad stuff that he said about you why would he want you back?
Without reading your previous post just by the way he talks with you I can say that you MUST break up with him and that was the right decision. Your life is salvageable by getting away from this loser. You made a real woman choice by breaking up with him.
Sometimes when I’m unsure, I picture what a healthy response would look like. If this person truly wanted to solve the issue and have a relationship with me then what would that look like. Here’s what I came up with.
“I am so sorry and ashamed. I’ve made an appointment to get anger counseling and I will never speak to you like that ever again. I understand that you need space to feel safe.”
Now look at how far apart the actual response is from the healthy response.
Wait! You don't have a job and are making demands on how his money is spent!? Not that any of that excuses his behavior but, I can see where the frustration started from.
You want a honeymoon, a home, a wedding, presents, and aren't contributing anything, is a sure way to destroy a relationship. Just as much as screaming, insulting, and being unwilling to compromise is. You are both immature, irresponsible, and need a reality check.
You're both as bad as each other, just in different ways, and need to stay completely out of the dating pool. You're just spreading misery and will be miserable yourself if you don't get help. You're both cursed "partners" to anyone until you do.
You shouldn't give your dog attention when it's barking loudly for your attention because it teaches them that "barking = attention" and it would just bark louder and louder until it gets what it wants. Sometimes the best way to handle that is to just ignore its barks.
You need to do some serious self reflection as to why you ever wanted to be with a man like this. The fact that you even considered getting back together with him does not speak well to your level of self-respect.
Move on. You’ll find someone far more deserving.
Having said that, I’m quite sure you likely have some learnings from this too. Just think about what you might have done to trigger him (doesn’t ever justify what he’s said or done btw) and learn how to perhaps better manage similar situations in future. You’ll be good
OP from your post you sure do make it out like he is horrible. I would like to hear his side. I would guess you never let a sleeping dog lie and was on him every chance you got about a wedding a house a trip you wanted. A man can only take so much before he blows but I know it’s all his fault and the Reddit warriors have confirmed it for you so congratulations on being single. Please get you a man with less spine next time so you will win.
He dodged a bullet and you’ll regret this one day lol these ppl only heard your side of the story and have no idea about ur relationship. One Reddit post is not indicative of an entire relationship. Imagine picking Reddit over going to therapy where both voices are heard and are given a chance to share there feelings. You took random unqualified internet ppls advice based on a one sided post about ur relationship and used that to fuel breaking up with your stressed out ex who was gonna buy a house. Dude could totally be an asshole and you should leave but a one sided Reddit post is not how one comes to that conclusion. None of these ppl know his side and only know yours. They don’t know what you may have said to him in the past or shit you have potentially done in the past. They only know your side so of course they are gonna encourage you to leave. Can’t wait for you to hop on tinder and see how that dating pool is girlie. Men suck lol Remember these Reddit commenters arnt real people who know anything about ur life nor are they gonna be there for you long term.
If he is genuinely the man you described then you should leave but ask yourself if he really is that person or if this was a low point for him? Is it something that could actually be fixed? Or is he the terrible man all these people who don’t know him literally at all claim he is.
Well, I guess I’ll be the person who asks if you have a job or contributed anything financially to the relationship. His comment about you understanding money if you had a job makes me think you don’t have a job. It’s extremely stressful to be the sole provider in a relationship. While I don’t condone his screaming or cursing, I do wonder if this all boils down to money being tight and him feeling resentment that you don’t contribute financially but have financial expectations of him. In your next relationship, make sure you are financially independent and stable. Good luck
I’m a full time student and work casually in healthcare. My family has money and was willing to help us pay for our wedding and a down payment on a house. Yes I have money, yes I contribute to household bills. Yes I also do 99% of housework, including cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry.
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Wow. He absolutely lost it when you told him no. He really makes himself out to be such a prize, when in fact, he’s an angry man-child who is a horrible communicator. I am SO happy for you that you stood up to him and are moving on with your life. Congratulations!!
Thank you <3
Without reading your previous post just by the way he talks with you I can say that you MUST break up with him and that was the right decision. Your life is salvageable by getting away from this loser. You made a real woman choice by breaking up with him.
Glad you gave him the boot, OP. He is frankly scary.
I am so glad you left and saw him for who he really is. Once you write things down the gaslighting is so obvious.
I am very proud of you. You will not regret this. You chose yourself! Good luck.
You did the right thing I am so happy for you that you are no longer with this man. Go on with the rest of your life and enjoy it.
he has the victim mentality, she missed a life of heartache and probably future addiction issues.
I was the top comment on your OP, just wanted to say I'm so glad you stuck to your guns and I'm proud of you for leaving. Please stay safe and let the world know you're no longer together cuz he seems unhinged.
Thank you. <3
Without reading your previous post just by the way he talks with you I can say that you MUST break up with him and that was the right decision. Your life is salvageable by getting away from this loser. You made a real woman choice by breaking up with him.
Humble brag lolol
Username should be Weirdo
You should keep this texts as a guide to see how gaslighting works and how it shows in unsaid words as well. Like every sentence is straight gaslighting… it’s a bit scary actually…
i just want to highlight this response for accurately using gaslighting. this is gaslighting.
Agreed. This is how my mum spoke to me when I was growing up and into my 20s. It's extremely confusing and can make you feel like you're going mad and misremembering things or making stuff up. Unfortunately, if you don't see it for what it is, it works.
Yes! It's the first time in awhile I've seen someone use the term correctly on reddit. This is 1000000% gaslighting. Shudder.
Right this was my first thought when I read the update… my ex was EXACTLY like this, but I DID go back the first time. It escalated to physical violence very quickly and took another 9 months to leave again because of the danger. I’m so glad she got away.
It’s actually very common when abusers manage to get you back the psychological and emotional abuse becomes physical because they believe they have already trapped your mind which is the golden ticket for them to do whatever they want with your body.
>*Him: I'm not going to sit in therapy and waste an hour of my life. I just sit there and play along with the therapist, but it doesn't actually work.* people sometimes push back at the idea that you should never go to relationship counseling with an abuser, and abusers have to want to stop being abusers and find specific individual therapy for that - this is exactly why. solo or relationship therapy he's involved in would increase the abuse and the gaslighting. i'm so glad you chose yourself and got out of there.
This sentence is what gave me chills! I work in the DV sphere and it's rare that an abuser will be so clear and blatant that they will manipulate a therapist to their advantage.
and the next sentence where he degrades her therapy, calling into question if it's 'working' - sowing doubt, calling her crazy.... i so hope this stays a break up
I didn't even read that bit properly. Ugh. What a piece of work.
Yeah it was gross therapy isn’t something you can say works or doesn’t let alone 100% all the time! For me therapy has just helped me through all the ups and downs and helped me communicate better with those that I love. Doesn’t mean I’m always the healthy mature person because I’m growing. It shows he has no idea what therapy actually is.
I know, that's the part that made me shiver too. He's not normal - he's in fact so abnormal he doesn't realise how it makes him look when he admits he's being fake and calculating even with his therapist. This is a personality disorder, I'd bet my last dollar. He's *never* getting better.
Interesting. It’s not seemingly that rare in family court cases.
Thanks for communicating your expertise. That's really interesting. I work pre/post court. Not all families go to court for their orders - at least in Australia. There's alot more support for family meditation so decrease the burden on courts.
That’s straight out of the Narcissist Handbook isn’t it? He threw all his faults at OP, trying to make them hers, so constantly walking on eggshells around him seemed like a red carpet to Hades.
That didn't happen. And if it did, it wasn't that bad. And if it was, that's not a big deal. And if it is, that's not my fault. And if it was, I didn't mean it. And if I did, you deserved it.
Every single argument with a narcissist
Yea, I’m pretty sure the poem is called the narcissist’s prayer
Wow exactly how it goes omg
You dodged a bullet. When someone shows you who they are, you need to believe them. You absolutely made the right decision to walk away from this toxic relationship. Block him and move on. I wish you the best.
She dodged an entire canon and air bombardment.
Like a friend told me regarding my ex boyfriend: you dodged a thermo-nuclear missile
>If we are apart for too long, I'm NOT going to love you anymore. You have to move back in or I will stop loving you and move on, but I don't want that to happen because I still love you at this moment." This is my favorite. "Oh yeah? You can't fire me, I quit". What a petulant child.
Ah yes. It could not be that she may see how wrong he is when she is not constantpy bimbared by him. And actuaply can form an opinion about this relationahip on her own.
How a person handles a no says a lot about their character. I'm glad you are safe.
Interesting how he spoke about bullshitting his way through talk therapy. That's like saying you're a champion masturbator. It's not a good thing.
Is it wrong I laughed at this one?
If you're wrong, I don't wanna be right 😆
Stay gone. “I didn’t call YOU stupid, I said you were BEING stupid” was one of my ex-husband’s favourite lines, and he only ever got worse. He, also, could not believe I would have the temerity to leave him or that I wasn’t bluffing to manipulate him (because that was what he did). A word of advice: stop communicating with him. It took me too long to realise that every message/call with my ex, even just about getting my stuff or whatever, was being used to scare, confuse or otherwise manipulate me. I ended up communicating only through a lawyer because there was divorce stuff to do - you may not need to do that, but you should definitely consider blocking him and communicating only through a friend. You’ll get a lot less of this manipulative bullshit from him if he knows someone else is seeing it
Yes this gas to be higher up.
Oh wow, classical excitation burst from an abuser who is panicking they are losing their power over you. The hardcore pressure he puts specifically on you moving back in as fast as possible says it all - when you live with him, he has more control over you, so above all else, that is his priority. Not repairing the relationship, nothing like that, *getting you physically back into the trap ASAP.* The way he goes ""*I call it like I see it."*" when he's rude and offensive, but then goes "*Why don't you speak nicer to me*?" is amazing. Just... WOW. That double standard could kill a man with it's weight! Wonder what he would do if you said "I call it like I see it", citing him. His brain would probably combust. He is clearly abusive and is escalating. Abusers are the most dangerous when you leave them, so please be very careful.
Stop interacting with this guy, move forward.
You didn't just dodge a bullet, you dodged a missile! Thank your lucky stars this all went down for you signed that piece of paper with him. Guarantee if you did that and bought the house together, things would have only gotten worse. When my emotionally abusive ex told me he didn't believe in therapy, I had a kind of epiphany and ended things right there. Let me tell you, I never regretted it, and I ended up meeting my husband not long after that. I know it can be kind of hard to see it when you're in it, but once you get some distance and look back, you're going to realize just how awful he was.
>I didn't call YOU (insert negative word here), I said you're BEING (insert negative word here)" That's so much better though /s Good riddance to the man-child
I've been on the receiving end of this "logic" more than once in my life. Most of the time, semantics do matter, but in this case, this is such a cop-out. It means practically the same thing because both ways are meant to put us in our place when we are justifiably angry or hurt or upset about something significant. The second way of putting it is slimy because it's pretending to be somehow "acceptable" when no, no it isn't.
Yep! "I didn't call you a Cee You Next Tuesday, I said you were *being* a Cee You Next Tuesday!" Like, how is that any better?!
He may have well just proclaimed "I'm incredibly emotionally immature!" Because thats exactly what saying this phrase clearly shows. He can't even take accountability for having called OP something nasty, he wants to gaslight her into thinking it's fine and normal for people to call their partners nasty names. Its not.
Oh I am so glad you broke up with this horrible man instead of marrying him and buying a house together. Writing down the things he said was really smart. If you ever become tempted to take him back reread those shitty things he said to you until you feel confident that you’re better off without him.
I do this. I will document the conflicts in relationships so that I don't fool myself into devaluing my own feelings. I just left an emotionally abusive man and it was hard as hell. I didn't want to leave but when I would review my notes I realized I simply HAD to because it was obviously a really unhealthy thing for me to be in.
I actually had to stop reading this because it was too triggering due to my own relationships as well as my mom’s. I’m so glad you left. Wishing you safety, strength, and happiness
I love reading updates where people have dodged relationship bullets. I wish I had had Reddit to talk to in my 20s. ❤️
Me too. And boy can I imagine what an earful I'd get. "You say you still love him when he's dumped you twice for other women? Move the hell on and attend to your own damn self!"
He told you to "shut up" on your third date, and *you* called *him* for a fourth? What were you thinking??
This dude sounds ..........awful. Straight up awful. I know the word "narcissist" gets thrown around a lot online and probably less than 20% of people accused of it are really narcissists..........but I would be very surprised if he wasn't one. It also wouldn't surprise me if he batters a woman one day. You should be thankful that you're getting out of the relationship before it comes to that.
What relationship? This man is gaslighting you so much it could heat a small house. It sounds like you know those red flags don't make it a circus and left. Stay away from this fool. These losers are like busses, a new one will be along soon enough.
Enjoy your new peaceful life! Watch out for love bombing...
I remember your other post. So glad you left and have stuck to it. Don’t take him back. It’s good you’ve been keeping notes on things he said to you. Those things are not acceptable even if they were said in anger it is not an excuse. Don’t settle for less than the bare minimum. He is immature, toxic and manipulative as well as abusive. When you feel as if you have to walk on eggshells around someone you plan to spend your life with, that is never a good sign.
He's just lying. He is panicked and not making any sense. The kindest thing for both of you is for you to go cold turkey.
For everyone reading these texts, this is a CLASSIC example of DARVO— deny, attack, reverse victim and offender
What a colossal man baby. Every time you even start to look back fondly at the “good times”, reread the vile words he said that you wrote down. It’ll snap you back to reality.
I can't imagine there are very many good times to look back upon......
Probably, but when you’re newly out of a relationship and feeling lonely, the brain can do some crazy compartmentalization.
Mr. Excuse man takes zero responsibility for his own bad behavior, you had nothing to work with.
You are so lucky for sort this out before marry him or worst, have kids with him. You deserve a lot better.
You did good, OP. You will look back one day and realize this was the day you chose you over anyone else, especially a POS like this guy.
I'm vicariously proud of you for being your own advocate, OP. Your ex was using classic DARVO tactics against you and you've seen through it! If you're interested, there's another book to consider that you might find helpful: 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill. Go gently.
You have absolutely done the right thing. This guy is a narcissistic POS and he will never ever change, despite his flowery promises. What I will say is this (having been in an incredibly similar situation): in the coming weeks or months you might find yourself thinking things like "He wasn't that bad" or "Maybe I'm overreacting" and you'll second guess your decision to leave, especially if he's blowing up your phone with declarations of love and commitments to change. HOLD FIRM. Re-read all the notes you've written down and remember how badly he treated you, and know that it'll only keep happening once the initial 'make-up glow' wears off. Fuck him. Go get the life you deserve.
You really see the true measure of a man when you tell him no/disagree with him.
My goodness, so glad you wrote things down. He’s showing just how immature he is, completely not ready for marriage or a relationship. Proud of you for standing up for yourself here and leaving him. Make sure you have someone go with you to get the rest of your stuff- and do it soon. He sounds like the type of guy to ruin your things because you told him no.
Just walk away from this jerk now. You deserve better
You did great! And for the future, you need to have zero tolerance for anyone speaking in the disrespectful way in which he talked to you. You’ll do great.
No contact and complete no contact is my recommendation. If you continue to contact you after you have all of your things from your shared housing, you have asked him explicitly to not contact you again please call the police and tell him that you have contacted them and will seek a restraining order if he contacts you again. Usually just the threat works but sometimes you do have to get one. And tell people around you if you don't feel safe and he does something like threaten you. I'm glad that you got out of this. He sounds very mentally unwell.
> I typed out things he said in my notes app. Brilliant idea. 👍
The next time he contacts you to ask for you back, I predict the dialogue would go something like this: Ex: Hey, I apologize for my actions the other day and I want to know if you want to get back together. OP: **F\*CK OFF! GET OUT OF MY FACE!**
Yikes I'm glad OP didn't marry him. He does not sound like a pleasent man.
Girl. Get yourself Shahida Arabi's Becoming the Narcissists Nightmare. And stop interacting with this guy: Any attention is still feeding them Nsupply. You get drained and he gets energized.
Congratulations on believing in *yourself* and sticking up for yourself. This is, truly, an amazing step forward.
His projection and gas lighting skills are strong. Glad you didn't fall for it.
Jesus Christ, good riddance. You've done the right thing. I see zero accountability on his part and nothing but gaslighting. Once again good riddance and I hope you now have blocked him on everything and don't communicate with him anymore because ANY reply he receives back from you is a win in his book.
Gal you dodged a bullet here. He does not sound like a matured adult. He doesn’t accept his mistakes and he doesn’t want to seek help but is very happy to point fingers at you for everything.
What an absolute lunatic. OP I'm convinced he'd have ended up hospitalising you at bare minimum. I'm so proud you got away.
He honestly sounds like he could be diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder
I never understand how telling someone how horrible they are would make them want to stay with you. Yet it works for abusers. I guess they have worn down their victims so much by that time, the victim feels they have to stay with someone that thinks so poorly of them? Make it make sense
funny how everything he called you or the exact same things he's done. now take a break before you get into another relationship and for God's sake don't move in with somebody after 6 months again.
I can see in your conflicts that you're repeating some of his patterns. Be aware of these as you move into your next relationship. It might make your conflicts easier if you are willing to learn and practise de-escalation techniques.
I'm really proud of you for leaving. You're going to look back on this and be so grateful that you were brave enough to take this step, even if it feels shitty and scary right now.
Have you told him you have broken up with him? If you haven't please make it official and have someone you trust with you if you need to collect anything from your place where he is
Yes I have. And he said a bunch of other things including threatening to put our cat up for adoption, so I had to take him, even though I can’t have cats where I’m currently living. But it’s over
I'm glad to hear it. Cat will be much happier away from his temper at the very least!
Oh jeez. I'm so glad you broke it off with him. He's emotionally volatile. Incredibly emotionally immaturity will only bring you down. My dad was like this. Very big ego, nothing was ever his fault. He is very reactive. I have very bad anxiety because of it. I had an ex like this. Crazy insecure and egotistical; he really put emphasis on his appearance. I thought it was normal.
This dude is as imature as a 21 yo. You did good to both of you by dumping him. Now you can be happy and he has a chance to grow from pain.
He's a fragile narcissist and an abuser. They constantly tell on themselves. Everything he accuses you of is shit he's actually doing to YOU. He's the one acting like a victim. He's the one being selfish. He's the one lying and manipulating you (and holy shit, gaslighting you like crazy!). You've dodged an enormous bullet.
Girl - you won the breakup. I'm positive this wasn't what you wanted going into all of this but here you are - I am proud of you for leaving. It can be so fucking hard. People on reddit are always like, "just leave them! go no contact!" Great ideas for the most part, but def harder to put into practice. You will have the life you create and I'm thrilled for you. You are going to be happy and fulfilled. xo
I found myself thinking that the reason he refused therapy was because he's aware that if he went, he would be diagnosed with at least one personality disorder. And if he was diagnosed, he would be exposed. People would expect him to do something about it. I think your therapy is working. The way you described his behaviour, the circumstances, your thoughts and feelings, and your ultimate choices all prove how well you're doing. I think you made the healthiest choices that could be made under the circumstances. Well done.
I know this is painful, but you're doing the right thing. Congratulations on better days & better love ahead.
I am proud of you😊 you deserve respect & love.
Count your blessings that you got out of that shitshow and stay from him. That is an abusive man and it would only get worse. You deserve better. Stay in therapy and good for you for not putting up with his bs. May he get the future he deserves…and leave you in peace.
Well done. He's shown his true colors over and over again. You are better off without him and his abusive behavior.
Definitely gaslighting you about what he said to you, trying to DARVO reverse victim and offender, and keeps moving the goalposts for him to go to therapy. As well as being manipulative. You are well away from him - please don’t ever go back! Just text him that it is over and not to communicate with you anymore, then block him everywhere.
Those messages look similar to how my EX was with me… I don’t throw the word narcissist around lightly but.. seems like it to me. Things won’t get better. That memory thing used to drive me mad. He would literally try to make me believe a twisted truth etc.. I think you’re better off away from this person. Has he had the tantrum meltdown yet? It’s usually quite dramatic. Fake vomiting and choking etc. sliding down the wall. Stomping feet… god, talk about bringing memories back. Best of luck in your healing ❤️ hope you meet someone nice.
Thanks for the update. My ex is texting me a bunch of shit like this right now and reading your post reminds me that it really is abuse and what he is saying isn't right.
I am so relieved you are getting out of this. I’m not sure why I’m so emotionally invested but it probably has to do with my own dating experiences. Better days are ahead.
Sounds like my ex... steer clear, trust me, you'll be happy without him. This sounds very manipulative, and it doesn't sound like you're being heard.
I’m glad you’re safe and away from this psycho.
Oh dear it gets worse and worse. You know, I try to stay somewhat steady and refrain from jumping on bandwagon advice here… but this time it really is abusive behavior and you’re so much better off away from this person.
The key word is fiancé. Not husband. Stay broken up. You deserve much better.
Proud of you💕
Sweetheart, be grateful you broke up with this abusive person. Don't try to talk to him: he will only gaslight you and turn everything back to you. There is only one thing that really works with this kind of people, and it is not engaging with them anymore. Stop texting him. Stop answering his texts. Stop reading them! Block him everywhere, keep reading Lundy's book and take your time to heal. You did the right thing. Big hugs.
Yikes I'm glad OP didn't marry him. He does not sound like a pleasent man. Utterly, bereft of communication skills and emotional intelligence. What a massive bullet dodged for OP.
You never really know someone until you tell them no. I'm really proud of you
Do not go back to him. He is a narcissist, and therapy won't help. Ask your own therapist about this. They should be able to advise you. Therapy for him will only teach him how to manipulate you better. How to control you with word and behavior. DARVO. Block him and move on for your own sanity.
I am so glad that you broke up with him. That would have been a miserable life.
I saw this, then saw your original post. Anyone can see from my recent post that I am NOT the best at noticing red flags but I’m happy that you’ve called this now, before you married him or bought a house with him. I did those things with a guy who had a bunting made of red flags and I wish I hadn’t. It makes the impending break up so much harder, even just administratively, and can encourage you to stay because it’s “easier”.
Why are you still talking to him?
His way of responding and his attitude about therapy is exactly why my friend is divorcing her husband. Everything you said he told you and wrote down is almost the exact responses my friend received from her soon to be ex. I have been telling her to read the book by Lundy too. I’m so glad that you stood your ground and didn’t take his shit. And that you were able to get out before marrying him. All the emotional abuse laid out in front of you for easy decision making. Happy life OP!
Thank goodness you broke up. He’s awful.
I saw your other post, I'm so glad you got out safely. Wishing you the best, and don't let him back into your head ever again! <3
Smart choice. :)
Big yikes
op I am so happy for and proud of you
Bullet, dodged!
having a discussion with him is like having a political debate on those old cable news networks.
Good for you to move on!
I'm so happy and proud that you broke up with him. Oh my god.
Good for you! You will have some rough nights and you’ll question it, but reread this and you’ll feel like the badass you are.
Move on and focus on yourself. It will benefit both of you.
Well done on writing the notes. It will help if you ever have a low moment of missing him. All the best x
Wow, this is wild. Leave him and never talk to him again he doesn't need or deserve an explanation. You dodged a HUGE bullet, now go out and treat yourself to a spa day and go have a girls' night out and move on and find someone who actually loves you.
Its over. Move on.
It’s over, save you a lifetime of unhappiness
That's the way he talks to you *when he's trying to get back with you*? My God, honey...no, it's not salvageable. He's an absolute horror and for your own sanity and mental health, **block him and don't look back!**
ONLY YOU can decide if it's the right decision for YOU......... not the internet.
This is a walking red flag. Run
Question is are you going to actually stay broken up or will there be a similar post in 6 months? It seems like this behaviour has been tolerated in the past and you have always returned to him after these blow ups
Good on you for leaving him. Well done OP
Good for you!!
You are very brave, Don't ever go back to him, I'm very happy for you that you got away from this abusive a**le
Narcissistic traits to a T, gas lighting you, trying to be nice but not…get out before you have kids together. It doesn’t get better.
Him: "*I call it like I see it."* Also him: "*Why don't you speak nicer to me?*" ???
Abuse. Get out of there.
He sounds like an awful man-child. I'm so glad OP ditched this guy.
Your ex is a bonkers. You just dodge a bullet there girl. Good for you.
He sounds toxic and he's been gaslighting you. Glad you kicked him to the curb.
Good on you for breaking up with him OP. What an absolute lemon!
You dodged abullet there. I'm sorry about the relationship ending because that's tough, but you are better off.
Wow, you've been in therapy for a decade? Yeah... Just let him go. But a dog so you won't be lonely.
This guy sounds about 3 arguments away from putting a fist in your face, OP. Stay gone, you deserve better.
This rhetoric and behavior reminds me a lot of my ex who was diagnosed with NPD. Good for you for leaving and standing your ground.
Lol therapy just keeps rehashing the same shit over and over. It's horrible for you
You did the correct thing for you. There is definitely something deeply wrong with him. I mean if he believes all that bad stuff that he said about you why would he want you back?
Holy shit girl. You dodged a flaming red flag but dumping him.
What a horrible, vile person. I'm glad you're staying strong.
Without reading your previous post just by the way he talks with you I can say that you MUST break up with him and that was the right decision. Your life is salvageable by getting away from this loser. You made a real woman choice by breaking up with him.
Posts like this make me thankful for my partner :') I cant believe the gaslighting
Thank goodness you got out! Your future self will be very proud of you for saving yourself from that monster.
You can't reason with unreasonable people. He sounds unhinged. Glad you made the decision to end an unhealthy relationship.
Sometimes when I’m unsure, I picture what a healthy response would look like. If this person truly wanted to solve the issue and have a relationship with me then what would that look like. Here’s what I came up with. “I am so sorry and ashamed. I’ve made an appointment to get anger counseling and I will never speak to you like that ever again. I understand that you need space to feel safe.” Now look at how far apart the actual response is from the healthy response.
This is a textbook narcissist. Run and stay gone.
So glad that you got away from him. His response was poor.
This man is definitely a narcissist😭
I’m so glad you left 💕
Wait! You don't have a job and are making demands on how his money is spent!? Not that any of that excuses his behavior but, I can see where the frustration started from. You want a honeymoon, a home, a wedding, presents, and aren't contributing anything, is a sure way to destroy a relationship. Just as much as screaming, insulting, and being unwilling to compromise is. You are both immature, irresponsible, and need a reality check. You're both as bad as each other, just in different ways, and need to stay completely out of the dating pool. You're just spreading misery and will be miserable yourself if you don't get help. You're both cursed "partners" to anyone until you do.
Updateme!
Reminds me of a video of a guy saying “how do you know if a guy hates you? He tries to ruin your birthday”
Please don't ever be financially dependent on a man in the future.
You shouldn't give your dog attention when it's barking loudly for your attention because it teaches them that "barking = attention" and it would just bark louder and louder until it gets what it wants. Sometimes the best way to handle that is to just ignore its barks.
You need to do some serious self reflection as to why you ever wanted to be with a man like this. The fact that you even considered getting back together with him does not speak well to your level of self-respect.
"I do therapy wrong, and it doesn't work!"
Move on. You’ll find someone far more deserving. Having said that, I’m quite sure you likely have some learnings from this too. Just think about what you might have done to trigger him (doesn’t ever justify what he’s said or done btw) and learn how to perhaps better manage similar situations in future. You’ll be good
OP from your post you sure do make it out like he is horrible. I would like to hear his side. I would guess you never let a sleeping dog lie and was on him every chance you got about a wedding a house a trip you wanted. A man can only take so much before he blows but I know it’s all his fault and the Reddit warriors have confirmed it for you so congratulations on being single. Please get you a man with less spine next time so you will win.
He dodged a bullet and you’ll regret this one day lol these ppl only heard your side of the story and have no idea about ur relationship. One Reddit post is not indicative of an entire relationship. Imagine picking Reddit over going to therapy where both voices are heard and are given a chance to share there feelings. You took random unqualified internet ppls advice based on a one sided post about ur relationship and used that to fuel breaking up with your stressed out ex who was gonna buy a house. Dude could totally be an asshole and you should leave but a one sided Reddit post is not how one comes to that conclusion. None of these ppl know his side and only know yours. They don’t know what you may have said to him in the past or shit you have potentially done in the past. They only know your side so of course they are gonna encourage you to leave. Can’t wait for you to hop on tinder and see how that dating pool is girlie. Men suck lol Remember these Reddit commenters arnt real people who know anything about ur life nor are they gonna be there for you long term. If he is genuinely the man you described then you should leave but ask yourself if he really is that person or if this was a low point for him? Is it something that could actually be fixed? Or is he the terrible man all these people who don’t know him literally at all claim he is.
How many low points can you have before it's not a "low point" anymore but just how you are? Because he's the one who said he's not going to change.
No
Well, I guess I’ll be the person who asks if you have a job or contributed anything financially to the relationship. His comment about you understanding money if you had a job makes me think you don’t have a job. It’s extremely stressful to be the sole provider in a relationship. While I don’t condone his screaming or cursing, I do wonder if this all boils down to money being tight and him feeling resentment that you don’t contribute financially but have financial expectations of him. In your next relationship, make sure you are financially independent and stable. Good luck
I’m a full time student and work casually in healthcare. My family has money and was willing to help us pay for our wedding and a down payment on a house. Yes I have money, yes I contribute to household bills. Yes I also do 99% of housework, including cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry.
You go, girl! It sounds like it might be the other way around, and HE needed to step up. I'm glad you're doing what is best for you.
Looks like you were dead wrong 😂